Pendejo Time - The Tech Summit

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

Folks it is the year the Thomas. His inventions? Groundbreaking. His work ethic? Unmatched. His phone? Dripping with spit. Support the Show.

There's a mouse with some cheese that is eating, munching yummy so please in the evening. He is chasing for cheese and it's yummy, every rod I like that a lot. You know, it's like I prepare songs for you, and then I perform them, and you, you know, no pun intended, you don't give a rat's ass. Well, I think the thing is is that I want, you know, the first, I want to give you more time to shine on the show. You know what I mean? Thank you. to shine on the show you know what i mean um it thank you it and and i feel like the way things have been going it's it's just you know what it's just important that you get to speak your truth on here because the first year you know the first year we were working

with xbox headphones and like we got a couple we were our salad days and you know I was just trying to fill some time and I was just you know regaling the audience with mostly depressing stories that at the end were funny in some roundabout way because I didn't die or something but now you know and then year two it was like, what if this rap song was about Starburst? And the first half of – now we're coming into year three. And I really think year three is the year of the Thomas. And I want this to just be the year that you really come out of your shell and that you really just start to blossom into a beautiful podcaster.

Not that you aren't now.'s just this is this is your moment you know like you wow that really means a lot Jake every time you come on here I you know I see the last just the last few months the light in your eyes is brighter and you and and and me you know, I'm always I'm always going to be here with a with a with a quick little, you know, tale from my life. You know, the stories are always be there. You know, it's it's been it's been a stupid ride for me. But now it's time for Thomas to just everything that you've brought to the table. Mousy cheese. Everybody wants to eat some cheese, the Black Eyed Peas song about,

I think, a different type of bean. What I want more than anything is that now that we're making the clips and people are watching the clips. I want, I want the audio portion to also reflect how I, cause you have a beautiful resonant voice and, uh,

and I want everyone to see not just, not just your face, but just to experience your personality through your voice. So if you want to run by, if you want to let everybody here if you want to let everybody hear everybody wants to eat some cheese again, I think that they would really, I think they would really like that. I remember the whole song, and that's the thing.

Yeah, I know it was a long time ago. You know, I don't want to repeat myself too much because we've got a lot to cover on here. We do, and again, I want to let you drive because, you know, it's been a long road. And again, coming into the Pendejo triumph, the third year here, it's time – I think it's time for Thomas to just let it ride a little bit. You know? Right.

To just maybe – don't take the hour, you know, but just coming on with everybody, every rat wants to eat some cheese, great start, you know. That's a great. Yeah, you know, it's like, I mean, what if Jesse Owens only ever walked, you know what I mean? Right, right. He would have tried to go to the walking Olympics

and he would have been slow as fuck there. But it turned out he could run fast as hell. What if Karl Malone wasn't good at basketball? Right. Yeah, you know, what if he was only good at getting kids pregnant, you know? Yeah, what if Ben Roethlisberger just couldn't throw a football good or couldn't run fast or couldn't do any of that type of stuff? What if Johnny Manziel couldn't do cocaine? He probably would have been

a pretty good... I watched that Netflix document. The person that we wanted him to be. But anyway. Do you ever watch like a... Those 3030s? Yeah, yeah. I watched the one on Marcus Dupree.

I think that was maybe the only one I watched. The Netflix one on Johnny Manziel was cool. I have this. Maybe it's my American mind, but whenever I watch somebody squander their talent, I'm like, dude, you could have had it all. I get mad. I'm like, dude, if I would have been given that opportunity,

I could have thrown for 1,000 yards. I don't even watch football. I know who Johnny Manziel is because he was a cultural phenomenon when I was in high school and college or whatever. Everybody knew who he was. But I'll watch the documentary about an athlete that's like, oh, it fell by the wayside. Let his demons get the best of him. I'm like, yeah, man, I wouldn't have done that. It's not like I did that without any talent.

of them and I'm like yeah man I wouldn't have done that it's not like I did that without any talent it's not like I it's not like I you know with no talent and nothing to offer anybody did exactly what Johnny Menzel did but just in a way less cooler you know way but if I was good at football or baseball and I was given you know a multi-million dollar opportunity I wouldn't do drugs and throw it in the trash I'd probably go to church every day you know what i mean i wouldn't you know have sex with whores or or sell my underwear or wear you know yeah it'd be tim tebow or something you were telling me earlier today that you wanted me to you wanted to show me an invention oh yeah um yeah so you know everybody has a phone. It's got a camera on it. Yeah.

Yeah, so I invented a phone without a camera. Oh. It's like a big cell phone. Because I'm trying to break into the cell phone market. It's about 13 feet long and about 22 feet wide. And I call it big phone. All one word. B-I-G-F-o-n-e and the o has a little like a umlaut over it um i'm trying to get into like the marketing area too and that's what all

the smart companies do they make like a they have one of their letters have like a german thing above it or whatever um and the reason i think people want to buy it is because we're all so addicted to our phones it It makes us depressed. So if we just have a big phone that has one button on it that can only call our mom, then nobody, you know, you can't get advertised to or anything like that. Yeah. I only built one. It turns out

it's pretty expensive and difficult to build like a 13 by 22 foot phone. That sits in your garage. Yeah, to make it that small, I imagine it sits in your garage yeah to make it that small i imagine it would yeah yeah it was a big and the button weighs like 300 pound to press it you have to get like a hydraulic jet yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i've actually been working on an app you've probably heard of it by now through the news and stuff it's called kiss lips okay yeah yeah i saw that on i saw that on uh grouply yeah but instead of normally it's spelled k-i-s-s-l-i-p-s right

right right yeah that's that's smart you don't want to spell it how it's supposed to be spelled right yes you want to change it up a little bit so kiss lips it's an app on the phone that it makes a um a pair of lips appear on your screen and you have you have 30 minutes to kiss the lips it can pop up at any point you have to kiss the lips within 30 minutes or it sends a video of you putting um your whole arm up your ass and it sends a video to your mom. Oh, okay. And what, can I ask, like, what utilitarian purpose does this serve? It's so that you have to kiss it.

Okay. And then your mom doesn't see it. Okay, okay. And how, what does this do to, like, make society better? Because, you know, Facebook wants to connect people, and Twitter wants to be the marketplace of ideas. Well, think about it, like, you know facebook wants to connect people and twitter wants to be the marketplace of ideas think about it like you know it's so hard to get yourself to check your email and stuff like that imagine if you could send somebody a kiss lips oh so you can send it and if they don't if they don't respond to it they kiss it it's like a red receipt they kiss it if

they don't kiss it then i see it doesn't have to be to the mom but can be and this is how we stay connected because if when i hate when i send somebody a message and they don't respond but i can see they read it i get so mad and that's such a great idea because like what i you know what i've thought like when i've sent a friend a message is like man i see he's left me left me on scene like if only there was a way that if he didn't respond to my message in less than half an hour, then a video of him shoving his whole hand and arm up his asshole would get sent to his mom. I literally was just thinking that. And so the fact that you came up with this is brilliant.

And, you know, we've got so many social media apps today. We've got Twitter. We've got Facebook. We've got Instagram. we've got twinder we've got facebook we've got instagram and you know i think if we could have something like kiss lips it would unite all them together right and it would make it yeah well you'd you you'd have some incentive you'd have yeah people would have like um like a new motivation to like reach out and talk to people i hate getting left on scene and sometimes look i'm guilty of it too sometimes somebody will message me like hey man like uh dude my house exploded and i don't want to deal with that right now you know what i mean like i don't want to talk

to them about it there are problems and i don't i don't care to listen to them at all but now but if there were stakes involved yeah like i'm already happy that i'm already looking forward to hearing about couples saying they met on kiss lips you know that really just gets me excited thinking about people just kissing the phones back and forth and then and then it goes it goes to touch but which is another app i'm working on where it you touch the butt and then right you touch the butt and then you touch the phone's butt. Okay. And is there like a sort of freemium pay-to-play type deal where like pussy penis, like you pay for that and then you – Yeah, there's another one called Thrust Love.

Okay. Where you can put your tongue into the charging port of the phone and even if it gets wet, the phone doesn't die or start fizzing. Okay. Where you can put your tongue into the charging port of the phone, and even if it gets wet, the phone doesn't die or start fizzing. Okay. The phone doesn't bubble or anything whenever you spit into it. And it's a phone basically that you can lick and you can perform cunnilingus on, and that helps charge the phone. It's called Tongue Power, and it's something I'm working on.

It uses solar energy in your mouth to transform the phone into a device that can live off the saliva from the energy. And basically the conversion rate is like 1000 licks is like 1% battery. Oh, so if you lick it a thousand times, you get 1% charge. If you look at a hundred thousand times in a night, you get one percent charge if you look at a hundred thousand times in a night you get a full charge battery but there's also a wireless charger and it the wireless charger

you set it on it charges it in 10 minutes oh okay okay so you get a hundred thousand times okay okay so i man that's really uh that's something because, you know, we want to interface with our devices in a healthy way, in a more engaging way. We just scroll all day. And if you could lick your phone 100,000 times at night to charge it, then you really are, like, engaging with technology in a way that we haven't seen before. And of course, look, anybody can use – any old hoopty hollery could put a phone on a wireless charger. Anybody can do it. My grandpapa could do it and my mammon could do it. But it takes a real industrious mind.

But it takes a real industry's mind. It takes a real genius and a real engaged and caring person to lick their phone 100,000 times just for 10% battery. Because you know that you're not getting that much out of it. But you also know that you, like in terms of a battery life, but you know that you're getting an emotional connection. Yeah. And you could pitch it so easily. You could be like like you know how your phone dies when you lick it yeah what if there was a phone that instead of dying when you licked it became charged fully and that made you responsible for licking it i think does your wife complain that every time she uses your phone it smells like a mouth

what if i told you that phones were supposed to smell like a mouth? Because that's how it got charged, and that's how the battery got in there. With the new Mouth Love phone, this 100% charge can be all yours every night with only 100,000 licks. And it'll also come with a wireless charger that completely charges the phone in 10 minutes in case you don't have time to lick it 100,000 times. This warranty will extend to over 1 billion licks. When you hit the 1 billion lick mark,

if your phone doesn't work anymore, we'll refund you 10 billion licks right back through your phone to you. And so the phone has some sort of biological technological interface where it can lick you. The phone will lick you 10 billion times. That's great. And do you have to get all those licks at once or can you spread them out over the course of your life? It licks slow, but it's all at once. It goes like this.

Lick. Okay. Lick. Lick. So the warranty basically puts you in a position where whenever that warranty decides to be cashed in you have to sit there for

I'm guessing 15 years and get licked by your phone well no that's if your phone doesn't work anymore it'll start licking you okay okay like a hungry dog or something I got you okay yeah and you can always take your phone to a lick station and get some of the licks taken out and put in your bank account

which you can use for lick coins and with lick coins you can really do a lot people trade lick coins you can use them to buy candy and sweets and treats and gingers and lollies and you can use liquor coins for gasoline as well as hybrid thermal thermal energy you can use it on thermal energy and you can use it to um you can use it on anything even a pair of even if a pair of chews you can use it on and when you look at where lick coin is taking us in the future and where it's already been in the past and you think about you know using a lick coin to buy groceries you know stuff like that using it to buy groceries, stuff like that. Using it on gas, on groceries. Imagine using a Bitcoin and buying a house

if that's how you got your mortgage. Question, so what's the exchange rate for one Bitcoin to US dollar? With only one billion Bitcoins, you can get over a hundred dollars okay so we're still working on pumping those numbers up i mean well think about this currently in circulation today there are 100 billion trillion lit coins and those are all united states tongue generated licks every lick you make is a factory for a lick coin.

Every lick you give your phone makes a lick appear in the blockchain. Okay. And these blockchain licks will create magnet thermal energy through your phone, which can

charge up to 100% in 10 minutes. Think about that, Jake. You know, here's what I think is so crazy about all these ideas that you have. Everybody talks about Elon Musk and they talk about the Tesla and they talk about the SpaceX rockets

and they talk about Neuralink. He better watch his butt because somebody's coming for the smartest man in the world crown and with kiss lips with touch butt with thrust love with lit coin

I mean you're talking about a cornucopia if you will of groundbreaking and life changing just world shattering imagine if we could imagine this Jake of groundbreaking and life-changing, just world-shattering. Yeah. Imagine if we could go... Imagine this, Jake.

Imagine if you could go to Mars only with licks. If there's a way to use licks to get to space. And that may sound like a fabble or like a fairy tale. A fucked up lie. It might sound stupider than hell. Yeah, it might sound like a downright obituary. You know what I mean?

But when you look at where licks are taking us and where we've been in terms of lick pathways and when you look at how many licks people are putting into their phones every night if we got one million people licking a rocket imagine how many licks we could translate into thermal energy to get that rocket taking off into space. We've got engineers and we've got astronauts who are licking the inside of that rocket, keeping it afloat, keeping it going, keeping it wet and moist,

and it's gliding through space. Right, right, right. To the moon or Mars, which are the same distance, thankfully. to the moon or mars which are the same distance thankfully and when you look at how people lick on other planets which through the lickiverse we've communicated with some of these lick beings um you know and you know we they speak they Lickies to a certain extent. The language of the tongue, perhaps, you could call it. That's what I like to call it.

Because I feel like Lickies, it's like, oh, are they from Planet Lick? It's like there is no Planet Lick. This isn't a sci-fi fantasy. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. This isn't just the dumbest thing you've ever heard in your life this is this is real real this is real this is real this isn't me this isn't the most this the most brain dead thing you've ever ever heard two adult men talk about this is real science this is real look if you think i'm delusional you should talk to general donovan mcclick who is the leader of the

alien race the liquors i love that i love that what i love about that is is that he has he has a an english first name and the mick implies that he is maybe scott's irish origin but then then you hear the lick and you go okay now i know what i'm dealing with now i know that i'm dealing with you know a real a real swarthy son of a bitch i'm dealing with uh the licking these man and uh you can't yeah people say you can't trust them as far as you can lick them. But the thing is that once they get to know you, once they've wrapped their mouth around your whole body like 42,000 times, then you know. Yeah, these aren't guys that can be bought with 100,000 licks and a handshake.

You know what I mean? No, no, no. They have too much integrity. Yeah. They live by their tongues and they die by their hands. And you're not going to get your mouth run on one of these guys easily. So their loyalty means the world to us. And they're using these Lick phones.

They like the mouth phone. They like the iPod Lick, which is another one I'm working on. I call it the iPod Lick. So have you been reverse engineering their technology? And that's how you – so I guess my question is if they use them, this is like a chicken, you know, like a licking in an egg type deal. Where in like if you invented it but they use it, are you – because you know all of this UFO stuff is happening. Yeah, every day.

So much is happening. Everything is happening all the time forever. And the Congress, that guy in Mexico is like, I found one. You know what I mean? And he's like, I got him. They called it a UFS. It was an unidentified flying sombrero, they said. That is – I didn't hear that.

I didn't hear that. They announced it on the news. That's what they said they were going to call it. I thought that's not what they should call it. No. I agree with you there, brother. I think maybe they should have had some forethought into that because the wrong person might hear that and they might take it the wrong way. Yeah, they might take those licks the wrong way.

Yeah, a less intellectual person. A person not like you and me. person a person not like you and me a really uh a really stupid a really stupid grown man in his 20s might hear that and think wow that's that's the type of thing i like to hear um but yeah you know with all this disclosure happening here and in mexico i guess the big question is and this is what everybody wants to know. Everybody in the UFO community, everybody in the FBI, the CIA, DARPA, they want to know, are you reverse injuring Lick technology? Well, no, it's so funny you even bring that up because Lick technology started with us.

And you look at what the Lick company did. They were okay. but there's nothing to reverse engineer there if anything they forward engineered what we're doing and that's the way i like to look at it you know when you look at the weather you're not looking at nobody looks at weather from the past nobody knows what climates were like even 10 years ago there's just no record of it and so yeah when we look at where lick charging came from i don't even i i don't even have tax records from last year you know what i mean right right right i don't own a tv from last year i don't know anybody from last year you know what i mean right right right i don't own a tv from last year i don't know

anybody from last year you know so i told all my lick cadets we're gonna approach this just like the like the boy scounds you know where we leave everything the same that we've, we live everything worse than we found it. Right, right, right. So, when you find a lick, you take a lick. Mm-hmm. You know, when you hit a lick, you let the lick hit you back, you know? Mm-hmm. So, we're not going to leave licks in our phones that the phones can't give back.

If that answers your question. Right. You know, there's always going to be questions that are left unanswered. And there's always going to be mysteries abound, you know. And there's another phone I've been working on as well. But I haven't – I guess I could tease it. But I don't really want to fully show my deck of cards. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you don't want to show your... It's called the Big Booty Dick Riding Phone. And basically it's a... I'm already interested. I'm already sold. But if you feel the need... It's similar to the Lick Phone, but kind of the opposite. Okay, so...

Go ahead. Yeah. I'm all ears. What do you think it might be? I mean, God. You know, I come to these tech summits every year. And, you know, you hand out your business cards and you schmooze with people. They schmooze with you.

You know, some guy is like, oh, you know, I'm a senior dev at Microsoft. Or, oh, you know, I'm John Google. And you're like, that's great. I meet you guys all the time. I don't, I'm senior dev at Microsoft. Oh, you know, I'm John Google. And you're like, that's great. I meet you guys all the time. I don't, I'm not, it's fine. I'm here for the free little sandwiches. I'm here for the little martinis. I've been coming to these for years.

And I walk in here today and you tell me not only do you have a lick phone, you have a big booty dick rider phone. And now my ears perk up and out. And now you've got my attention. Because a lick phone, the lick phone is, you know, it's great. Anybody can get it.

There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with it. Anybody can get it. In fact, with it there's nothing wrong with it anybody can get it in fact it's a great it's great for just your layman your average everyday

working class Mr. Joe you know the big booty dick rider phone this is an exclusive device right and and like I said

I come to these all the time you know you listen to people talk about their families and oh I just got promoted and everything. Everything's so boring. Oh, the iPhone 17. Oh, the meta world and you have legs.

I don't care about that stuff. It goes in one ass and out the other. But when I hear about the Big Booty Dick Rider phone, again, I'm tuned in. And if I had to guess, if I had to guess what it was, I would assume that the Big Booty Dick Rider phone, first of all, it's glamorous. It's sleek. You're right about that. It's probably it jiggles. I'm going to assume that it has some sort of jiggling interface.

You're on the right track. I'm going to assume... I'm going to assume that it comes in different colors. It does. Okay, great. Admittedly, it's still kind of a limited range. Okay. But it goes from a pure white to a light brown at the moment okay and you're not

thinking about you guys aren't doing anything in r&d to get a darker big booty dick right we're we're looking into it um honestly the the prototypes it's it's cheaper for the lighter paint. So for the prototypes, we used the cheap paint. We didn't think about how inclusive. We also only have one booty size at the moment. And we're working on bigger, darker booties as we speak, as well as teeny, tiny little booties um some of them wider even some pasty white booties and some big black booties as well that's see that's what sorry sorry i get every time i come to these um you know they this i always get a little bit of the little sandwiches stuck in my throat.

It's hard to... Also, just taking it back. It's not every day that you meet somebody who's such a prolific inventor. Yeah, I invented all these today, so it's been a busy day for me. Yeah, I mean, you go to the hotel, you check in,

you put your bags down, and you're thinking. You're not taking time off. You're not down at the hotel, you check in, you put your bags down, and you're thinking. You're not taking time off. You're not down at the hotel bar meeting and greeting, swapping bodily fluids with interns or upstairs thinking about killing yourself. You're down here. You're showing off your wares. You're saying, hey, look, I'm working constantly. I'm always on my grind. I'm always coming up with new inventions. And I think that's probably why you, you know, of everybody here at the Tech Summit, you're probably up next.

You know, I know people say that a lot, you know. But anyway. Yeah. And, I mean, I've got a little something for the ladies as well I can't you know what I don't know if I can handle another one but I'm just going to trust you

so for the for the for the gentlemen we had the big booty dick riding phone. And it does go on your penis? It does ride. You can finish inside of it. It's waterproof.

Very cool. And it seals up. Nothing comes out of it. That is a very, very, very awesome feature. Keeps it in there. You know what? Your phone just gets heavier.

Hey, but here's the thing. Everybody loves a phone that weighs 50 to 60 pounds and jostles around like it has fluid in it. That's kind of what people when we do these UX focus groups Smells like hay. hay yeah cleaning supplies yeah yeah it's got kind of like a bleach chlorine smell to it yeah yeah god damn it it's just this air you know that's just uh yeah it's the air in this in

this conference room or whatever the fuck the ladies we've got it's called the big black dick fucking you phone okay and basically this one's completely different and on on this one it's a phone you could put um wherever you want and right it's it's about three feet long and it's made out of real human materials it's okay we got it um from uh a medical people who donate their bodies to science made a bunch of those bodies into penises and it's got a screen on it it's got a two inch by three inch touch screen and it other than that it's a three foot long penis and it can go into your body and it produces lick fluids um yeah so it's uses lick phone technology but it everything's coming around platform got you okay yeah everything's coming around you know and i love like that kind of you're building building, and people talk about the Apple ecosystem, the AirPods, the MacBook, the iPhone, the Android ecosystem, the cricket phone, crack pipe, high point, the Android ecosystem.

Now we're looking into the Lick ecosystem, the Leko system, if you will. And that man, you know, a lot of people, a lot of people probably want, they probably don't want to hear anymore because they feel like they've been like, they've like their minds been blown. Yeah. Like they, they,

they, they probably feel like maybe that, that the big booty dick writer phone, the lick phone, the big black dick fucking you phone, they probably feel like all those things. They're like, God, you know what? I can't handle anymore at the Tech Summit.

So I think maybe, I don't know. But maybe they want even more. What if your phone number could be sperm's? But maybe they want even more. What if your phone number could be sperm's? Like arranged in a certain... What if... Imagine this, all right? You're a big pickup artist guy.

I know you are, Jake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a huge piece of shit, yeah. Imagine you're at a bar, a really high-class bar, where they serve cocktails, Manhattan style cocktails. And a girl asks for your number. And you pull out your big booty dick writing phone. And it squirts on her hand. And squirts her your phone number under her hand and it's sperms that squirts out of the phones and it's in the shape of the phone number and

it's instantly transmitted into her skin and she knows your phone number forever would that be cool? Now imagine this on a grander scale. You're in a big Zoom meeting with all your coworkers who you're friends with, and somebody shoots a big phone number load all over their webcam, and now you know all the information for the meeting right sorry yeah it wasn't cam on your digital skin i wasn't laughing at you i was i got a very funny email from my boss i love funny emails i email my boss every 10 minutes every day yeah that's something that the young kids don't

understand uh is that you need to be emailing your boss every five every 10 minutes every day. Yeah, that's something that the young kids don't understand is that you need to be emailing your boss every 5 to 10 minutes every day, even on weekends. Yeah, I'll email him and I'll say, Having a sandwich, I love you. Yeah, I'll email my boss and say, I just put my sockies on and I'm getting cozy-wozy in my little bug bed. Yeah, I'll say, I took a shower today.

Yeah, yeah. I'll say, I'm putting on my nighttime condom, sir. And then he always responds with a thumbs up because he loves to hear about my traditions, my little traditions. I have a big, I have a giant cowboy boss. He's nine feet tall. Oh, you got the cowboy boss? That's so cool. Yeah, and I'll tell him, feed the horse.

And that's what I say whenever I'm beating the hell out of my stupid goddamn cock. I heard that Cowboy Boss, when you do a good job, he clicks his heels and his spurs make a crack so loud that God can hear it. Yes, sir. I love my giant Cowboy Boss. Every day for lunch, he eats a horseshoe. That's crazy. I got Pirate Boss. It's okay you know i really want to get up to like um spaceman boss or cowboy boss but pirate boss you know

every night i text him you know i text him you know right before i go to bed so i just set my alarm and i just got him and under my blankie and i love you pirate boss and he just everything's the same it's just his response i yeah to everything you know and it and it's not it's it's nice to know that he's there but i wish that he would be a little bit more yeah he's kind of distant he is yeah but he's busy you know he's plundering pillaging murdering raping it's just but the pirate's life is yeah is very short but very very intense beard on fire eating hard tech yeah drinking rum he's drinking he's drinking malibu yeah he's yeah he's drinking malibu rum he's uh rushing for his sorority he's drinking malibu and eating wheat thins on a

on a boat yeah he's yeah he's snorting Adderall on his friend's boat. He's got finals tomorrow too. He's really, really concerned about rushing because he's not sure if all the girls like him quite yet. He's trying to find out more about the leader of the sorority so he can ingratiate himself to her

and that community. But he's Catholic and they're all Protestant, and it's bizarre. They think he's weird. But anyway, you know, Pirate Boss, if you're listening, I'll get back to work soon. I'm just on my podcasting break. Yeah, he's hooked on a podcast right now. Yeah, you know,

I used to work for this one guy and he was Tarzan. Did I ever tell you about that? Yeah, you were working at the... He's like a subcontractor or something. Yeah, so we would have to swing from vines. It was really...

It really sucked. You worked with a lot of gorillas, right? Yeah, it was me, a bunch of gorillas, and we all worked for Tarzan. And everybody thought it was sick as fuck that Tarzan was a human and could talk to gorillas, but I was also human, and nobody gave a fuck.

Because I couldn't talk as well, and I wasn't as sexy. I was the fat guy out there. You broke all the vines. They probably were mad about that. They couldn't talk as well, and I wasn't as sexy. I was the fat guy out there. You broke all the vines. They probably were mad about that. They couldn't swing around you. They weren't super happy about it, and I couldn't eat that many bananas. Yeah, you didn't.

Those guys would eat like 100 pounds of bananas in a day, and I would tell them I'm going to get sick from all the potassium if I do this. And so I would try and eat you know some squirrel meat or some edamame or something you know yeah yeah the edamame yeah all the jungle foods you know like pork gyoza uh just stuff that grows out there in the jungle you know yeah california rolls sesame chicken and stuff yeah Yeah, yeah. Bourbon chicken. Fuck, you know. Mugu gai pan.

All that type of stuff. Yeah. Do they have chickens in Asia? Dude, you know what's funny? I'm not even joking. Let me see if I can find this motherfucker. They got a big son of a bitch over there, dude. And every time I see a video of it, I think it's like edited in some way.

Brahman chicken. These things are huge. Brahma, no. Brahman, like the Indian class, or something it was called. Brahma. Brahma chicken. Is this the big son of a bitch?

No. Big chicken. Biggest. I saw a video of a chicken coming out of a goddamn chicken house and it was the biggest big ass chicken yeah big ass oh these guys are the size of small dogs get the fuck out of here dude the largest chicken in the world if you're looking for inappropriate jokes related to size and chicken synonyms, you'll be walking away a bit sore. Oh, good one.

They're talking about cock. The truly massive Jersey giant chicken. Oh, these guys are from New Jersey. The heavenly Brahma breed at number two. 10 pounds? 18? So Brahma is big, but Jersey giant is bigger, I guess. Yeah, motherfuckers weigh like 20 pounds.

They're the size of small dogs. It's like a Maine Coon. Dude, if I saw a chicken that big, I would die. Largest chicken in the world. This is the video I saw. He comes out of the chicken coop. It's kind of grainy. I thought maybe it was like a...

Yeah, it's a Jersey Giant. Dude! I'm going to send this to you. I know this isn't funny for you guys. You're not watching what we're watching. I sent Jake a fake chicken that looks like it's 400 pounds, but it's clearly Photoshopped. Let's go.

Check this out, Thomas. Look at this guy. I just sent it to you. Damn. Watch the video. The enormous cock became an internet sensation last year after a video of him strutting around his pen went viral. Yeah, he's a big son of a bitch.

He's about the size of a dog. Anyway, so I want to thank you guys for coming to the Tech Summit. The episode's not over, but the Tech Summit is closing. And the invention of the year is about to be announced. Tech Summit. The episode's not over, but the Tech Summit is closing. the Invention of the Year is about to be announced. Let's bring out our announcer. Hello!

For Invention of the Year, we've taken a look at Big Phone from Jake Rhodes from Pandejo Time. We've taken a look at Lick Phone. We've also taken a look at Big Booty Dick Writing Phone from Thomas. And we've also taken a look at Big Black Dick Fucking You Phone from Thomas. We've also taken a look at the Jiggly phone and we've come to the

conclusion that all of these phones are very horny and serve no purpose but we gotta give the award to somebody so we'll give it to Thomas for the Lick phone thank you Thomas thank you I've decided to

refuse this award as I believe that this platform was built on racism. And I think that the only reason why the big black dick fucking you phone didn't make it is because it was called the big black dick. If it was a big white dick, if it was a medium white dick fucking you phone, it would have gotten the award immediately.

But because of the racism, they went with a white name. They went with the lick phone, and only white people lick. The... That sounds like a really good, like, early little b song title

set to some like jazzy hip-hop beat only white people lick only white people lick um yeah only white people do lick and that's a perennial philosophical question for our times Perennial philosophical question for our times. I had to go defer my student loans. You know how it is. I had to go on Nelnet to say I don't have a job. Nice. Are they making you pay those now?

I'm not going to pay them. My credit score dropped 30 points yesterday, which is pretty cool because I've been working really hard on not doing anything about it and then it just goes up uh because a bunch of shit got charged off but um i have a collection on my account it's a payday loan i got some years back uh when i couldn't pay my bills and it it's funny, you know, I feel like if you borrow money from some, like a big company, this is just my opinion. If you borrow money from like a really shady,

predatory lending company, you shouldn't have to pay it back. They should, if they ask you to, they only get to ask once. They say, hey man, you borrowed $1,400 from us in 2017 when you didn't have any money. Would you mind?

And you could just say no, and then they don't get to ask anymore. This is just my opinion. I don't know if it would fix the economy or make it worse. I also believe that you should be able to kill them. Not the people that work there. They usually just need a job or whatever. But the people that run them, you should be able to kill them. They need a job or whatever.

But the people that run them, you should be able to kill them. Yeah, I have started getting the payday offers in the mail, which is how I know that I'm low income. Dude, the thing about them is – I don't think they send them to rich people. No. No, my buddies who live in North Dallas are not getting Speedy Cash and Ace Cash Express letters in the mail. They're really fucked up because they'll send you something in the mail that's like, you got it. You're approved.

$1,000. No questions asked, dude. You can have it right now. And you're reading it and you're like, dude, right now? And the letter's like, yeah, you can have $1,000. It's not you're like dude like right now and then letters like yeah you can have a thousand dollars it's not a big deal you just got to come to the store and then you go to the store and you're like i got this letter that says i can have a thousand dollars and i don't have to do anything and the guy's like yeah you don't have to do anything you just have to give me your bank info and then we'll give you a thousand dollars

cash and they're like well why do you need my bank info and they're like well because we're going to take three hundred dollars out of your account every week. And you go, here's a really fair trade. We give you $1,000. You pay us $12,000 over the course of a year. And you go, damn, that's a really solid deal. And you take it every time because you need to pay your rent and stuff. Some of it may have gone up my nose, but that doesn't count.

Sometimes you just got to let it ride. Yeah. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. My trauma, I have so much trauma, and it makes me get payday loans. I'm looking at how to borrow money from Cash App. Dude, did you see that video of the guy that did the Cash App glitch, and he had negative $38,000 in his cash app? I guess it was his brother or something that was like, yo, twin,

let me get a look at that cash app, and he's like trying to hide the phone. Oh, man. Yeah, that's tough. My favorite one of those where he pulled his phone out to show his credit score, and it said four. I really hope it was real. They were like, let me see it. He's like, no, no, no. real they were like let me see it he's like no no no they're like let me see it pull it out and he's like no it's it's like it's not even

and then they like grab the phone and they turned over and it's credit karma and it just it just says four like the red arrow it's like all the way to the left which is like i'm like dude look when i when my shit was like 480 that's like the end of the road you know like it's over or whatever um four is impressive like at that point it's the lending it's it's transgenic experience it's those guys fault like you're not you shouldn't be lending money out to a guy with a credit score of 550 560 certainly not 450 certainly not 300 if you get to four you know what i mean like you should be able to reset you know definitely you know how like in skyrim where you can't do any of the missions because you keep killing everybody's chickens and cows and like all

the bounty hunters trying to shoot you with guns and stuff. Similar situation that man found himself in. Yeah. I don't know. I've always been really, really wealthy, so I haven't really had that many issues. I'm tired of you saying that shit. You've been saying that shit for three years. You've been saying I'm really wealthy.

You think I'm capping, dude? I'm a fucking billionaire. Did you know. Did you know that? Yeah, I know that when I run payroll, you take 90% of the money and you leave me with 10% because you say you need it. I'm a millionaire. You say you need it. You say, Jake, I need you to take 2% of the patron money and I need 98%. And I say, why?

It's because I got parlays to run. My treasures and my parlays. One day they're going to hit, and you're going to be a millionaire off. Dude, man, I can't. I was thinking. So Sean O'Malley gets the upset. Sean Strickland got the upset. There's somebody.

There's a UFC fan who's like a Sean Strickland, O'Malley type guy, whole shitty white suburban kid who's like, all right, that's two upsets in a row. So they're going to bet everything on the next stupid, dumbass, white fucking Ohio guy type fighter. They're going to bet the house on him, and he's going to get steamrolled, and then they're going to kill their whole family. There's no way that that's not down the pipe for at least one guy. bet the house on him and he's going to get steamrolled and then they're going to kill their whole family. Like, it's just, there's no way that that's not down the pipe for at least one guy.

If you have a sports betting problem, contact 1-800-GET-OVER-IT. Sports betting is not an addiction. It's not real. You should just stop betting money on and you should stop gambling. It's not. Yeah, or just bet like $5.

Yeah, yeah. In the same rush. Have you ever been to a casino uh just one time they're really fucking stupid and i can't stand them um i if i'm gonna spend a bunch of money on something like i want to get high that's always kind of been my philosophy like i have friends who are like very close friends who are degenerate gamblers and they're like dude there's nothing like pulling all your money out of your account and putting it on black and then winning it's nothing like it and i was like i'm pretty sure you could do like a line or two lines of cocaine and it's the same like it's

the same thing and it maybe costs you like 20 bucks at the bar and they're like no because if you win all that money in your account doubles and i I'm like, yeah, that's gambling. If you lose, you feel really sick for like a month. You have to call your friends to ask you for favors. I'm not really interested in that. I guess you can OD on drugs. For sure. That's kind of like losing, you know,

blackjack or whatever, or roulette. But winning, you know, you just get to feel good for a couple hours. You don't get to think about life or anything like that. For sure. You ever been sleepy before? Dude, I'm really tired right now. I'm really sleepy.

I made really fucked up hot dogs earlier. Big bratwurst hot dogs with, like, I roasted up some peppers and some garlic and i made like a sauce and i used hoagie buns so they're real big and i made big huge nasty fucked up hot dogs that like an orc would eat uh and then i ate one and a half of them and i feel sick and uh yeah you know i just don't feel good oh dude i fucking um what's it called today i was uh i was like tracking my calories because i haven't done that in forever because i was thinking about like trying to put on a few pounds this winter maybe oh bulking winter nice light bolt You beat a couple to 10, 15 pounds? Yeah. Dude, my fucking regular shmegular calorie intake is almost 4,000 calories a day. I ate 3,800 calories a day, and I was just chilling. Do you want to know how many I've been...

Dude, I took my notes. I took notes of everything I ate. So I had 824 calories of rice today. That's good. It's hard to gauge, though. Two cups of rice isn't that much, but calorically pretty dense. So that's not crazy. I had a quarter rice and four cups.

Oh, okay. Four cups of rice, that's hefty, but okay. But some of the shit I didn't even know. Like mayonnaise, apparently. Yeah, calorically very dense, man. Yeah, yeah. rice is that's hefty but okay okay but some of the shit i didn't even know like mayonnaise apparently yeah calorically very dense man yeah yeah i had 300 calories of mayonnaise it's eggs and butter and like old milk like what i had 385 calories of candy okay i had 200 calories of chocolate chips um i had 200 calories of chocolate chips. I had... Let's see.

I think I had, let's see, about 1,500 calories of Taco Bell, which was my second dinner. How many calories? About 1,500. Let's go, Thomas. That's awesome. Yeah, things are not looking.

I'm in the other. I don't think I'm going to. I don't think I'm going to bulk because I think that would be really expensive, and I think I would just be on the toilet all day if I did that. Yeah. Turns out I already live like a fat guy. Well, I think, like, your maintenance is probably, like, 2,300. So you're probably, like, what you're eating now is probably fine if you're just lifting.

Like, you could definitely, like, you could bulk with that. I'm on the other side of it. I think I've been eating, aside from tonight, like, tonight was a one-off. I think I've been eating less than 1,000 calories a day for, like, two or three weeks. 1,000? Yeah, I don't eat. I haven't been eating. I've just been really depressed.

I don't do anything. I just, I don't don't eat. I haven't been eating. I've just been really depressed. I don't do anything. I don't leave my apartment. I don't eat. If you're depressed, you need to eat a lot and get fat. No, I already did that. I already did that like six years ago, so I'm going the other way with it. I'm probably eating, I don't know, maybe not less than a thousand. Probably somewhere around like maybe 1,300.

I'm guessing because I don't eat breakfast. I don't eat lunch. I eat dinner around 7 or 8, and it's like some chicken or like a little bit of pasta or something, and then that's it. No, dude. You need to fucking – if you're going to be depressed, keep drinking, but drink more. Whatever you're drinking, drink more. press, keep drinking, but drink more, whatever you're drinking, drink more, and eat a bunch of fucking burgers, candy, pasta. Yeah, I texted.

Come on. Be a fat guy. Then you can drink so much more. What did I text you? When you texted me the other day, you were like, the drinking's probably good. Yeah. You were like, I drink is probably good. Yeah. You were like, I've just been taking Adderall and drinking. Oh, yeah, drinking liquor.

I said, the drinking is good. Keep doing that. You know, you don't want to – I'm not telling you not to live your life. You should take Adderall and drink whiskey all night. You have a good storied history with that, don't you, brother? No, I got prescribed the Adderall. It's a small dose.

Everybody gets prescribed it. That's the thing. Then, hey, you're telling me you're smarter than a doctor? A doctor wants me to take this at 4 in the morning so I can drive 16 hours. Yeah, I took a bunch of it to drive home from Denton. No, I didn't take a bunch.

I took one or two. Did I take two? I don't remember. I had to drive home from Denton. It was like 1 in the morning. And so I was like, I'll just take some Adderall, listen to Breaking Benjamin, just get really mad in my car. I don't think I ate that day.

Yeah, I mean, it's like, I know where this goes, I've been down this road before, like, thousands of times, I know where it goes, I go through two phases, I know we're coming up at the end of the episode, there are days, there are months of my life, extended periods where I'm in the gym two hours a day, I'm tracking my calories, I'm staying at my maintenance, or maybe a little bit over, and I'm fucking living like a highland i'm living like a trappist monk you know i take fucking i'm tracking my protein and my fucking carbs and i'm working out i'm lifting and i'm running and i'm training i'm sparring i'm just living like a warrior like i'm ready for war then i get bored with that i get very fucking bored with that the idea of going to the gym makes me mad it makes me so fucking mad I can't think. And what sounds good

is like Wednesday around noon being so drunk that I can't think. And then you have a little and that wears off and you're like, I don't feel so good. You take a little Adderall and then you can write stuff. Your brain just becomes an

endless wellspring of ideas. Knowledge, forbidden, esoteric scrolls scrolls like that yeah and i you know what i don't i don't count it as doing drugs again because i got to prescribe from a doctor i got to prescribe from a doctor online and her smoke alarm was going off the whole time that i was talking i told you you about that, right? Yeah, yeah. I went to one of those. I don't know if I have. So I went to one of those. Thomas does this. I went to one of those fly-by-night ADD places.

And the questions were like, do you struggle focusing? I was like, yeah. Like, do you find that you talk over people? Yeah. Do you have to read the same sentence over and over again? Yes. Congratulations. talk over people yeah do you have do you have to read the same sentence over and over again yes congratulations you uh we will now reach a nurse practitioner reach out to you and then this lady reached out uh met me on zoom and her her smoke alarm was going off some of you were saying jake you had that problem for six months i don't give a fuck i'm not a doctor i'm a guy who got a

master's degree in philosophy so it doesn't matter if i i have stupid degrees i'm not a doctor. I'm a guy who got a master's degree in philosophy. So it doesn't matter if I have stupid degrees. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. You know what I mean? Anyway. You're a nurse in philosophy. That's true. And then other times, you know, all I want to do, I just want to lay in the dark. I don't want to think about anything.

I don't want to eat. You know, I just want to fucking drink beer. And I want to fucking take Kratom. And I want to play GTA Online. And I want everyone to leave me alone. Except for Thomas and except for my fiance, except for my dog. You guys, if you're my family,

if you're not my chosen family, my chosen family, no, it'll pass. You know, it's just seasons of life. Yeah. Come springtime, after I've withered down to a nice 145 i'm just i'm just like just skin and bone coming to do the video episodes and the wind carries me all the way from

san marcos to yeah to fort worth you're gonna be uh as as i say online you're gonna be in your twink era yeah it'll it'll be like that you like you want to say so yeah i like when you say you're having your twink moment you're in your twink era i like when you oh jake he's bulking yeah that's twink death yeah yeah twink death for a man who's about to get married to a woman yeah yeah i'm just you know i'm just like at the wedding like dude you look good man yeah i'm in my twink era right now uh yeah i'm twinked up for the wedding i'm twinked up for the wedding i lost 40 pounds damn what'd you do uh i just got prescribed edurol and just ate one grain of rice every day for like a week i I got really depressed. My online friends were saying I looked cunty, so I kept doing it. Yeah, everybody was saying in the clips that you looked glowing,

that you just looked so sexy and beautiful and voluptuous. So I just kept – I actually got my fly-by-night nurse to double my Adderall prescription, and I'm now looking to get down to 105 at 6 feet tall. I think that would be a good look for me. Just completely

emaciated, yellow, liver failure. If you're listening to this... I'm going to get you on estrogen. That would be cool, dude. I think... I would never do that because i i like having um i like being a guy i like having a penis and a nuts and i don't like having breasts uh and i don't want to be a girl last i checked at least you know things change guys change their minds

all the time about this stuff you know what i mean uh but yeah i mean it apparently helps with uh with hair loss and stuff i don't i uh i think i have all my hair you do you do but it would just be interesting to do it like it was a supplement it'd be very funny to you for you to pitch something for the show like an idea like jake i got a really funny idea for a video series. I'm like, what? And you're like, I get on test, and you get on estrogen, and we see what happens. And you just get huge and cut up. Yeah, I get really angry all the time.

Yeah, yeah. I get really controlling. I'm like, look, I'm the alpha, and for these episodes, I need you to only speak when I'm not speaking. Don't try and riff. And you're like, Thomas, why are you being like this? Thomas, we talked about this. This is not my love language.

I've been watching a lot of love language TikToks lately, and you are not giving me words of affirmation. No, we're just describing a scenario. You're trying to do like nesting but you you're just like nailing t-shirts to the wall yeah I'm like uh I'm doing I'm trying to like I start identifying with like all of the like fucking like alt girl shit on so I start wearing like different mismatched colored ankle socks and I get get a cat, and I name him, like, Tube or something. I have, like, all of the fucking, like, Death Grips posters on my wall. My apartment stinks.

I have a stinky girl house. I get one of those 50s, like, nightgowns that, like, the old crazy wives wear. I just walk around my apartment, just mumble to myself. I start listening to The Garden a bunch. I start dating guys with neck tattoos. I'm just describing women that I dated like 10 years ago. Listen, if you're listening to this show, that means that it's free. And that means that you heard so many great ideas.

We really should charge for this because you came out hot with every mouse wants to eat some cheese. And then you talked about your ideas and your notions and your concepts, which by the way, brilliant. I, I hats off to you. You asked me about my invention.

I told you about big phone. And then you were like, let me bring out the big dog, which I just, you know, I'm not, I'm not saying that you're like a one upper, but I am saying that you want up me there,

brother. And you really made me look bad, like a piece of shit. And, but it's okay because you had so many great inventions. So many that I don't want to repeat them because the only one that really right now, for whatever reason, I'm thinking about is Big Black Dick Fucking You Phone. There's Big Black Dick Fucking You Phone, the Lick Phone. Lick Phone, there we go, yeah.

And the Big Booty Dick Writing Phone. Big Booty Dick Writing Phone. Big booty dick writing phone. Yeah, that was it. Thank you for sharing all of those with me. No problem. And with the audience, because, again, they didn't pay for this. But if they want to, if they want to check out a lot of our funny stuff, we've had a couple of really solid runs lately.

Runs with the law. Thomas is going to jail for possession of child pornography. Just kidding. It's a joke. Deferred education. Deferred education. Hey, man, that judge caught me about 15 terabytes of that shit, but he gave me deferred education.

I really wooed him. I won him over. He just fucking, you know, he said, I mean, we both went to the same high school. He said, look, I dressed up like Pee Wee Herman. They let it slide. I know you got so much of this shit, and it ain't good. Honestly, son, it's grosser than hell. Son, I don't know why you wore your Heelys for this.

You're a real depraved, sick son of a bitch, but, man, I just like the cut of your jib, and I'm going to give you one more chance to get right with the Lord. I know that you had a dungeon too. But everybody makes mistakes. Me, you know, hey, I went to UT. That's mistake number one. But, you know, I'm going to go ahead and let you off with warning. Just a little warning.

No community service. And thank you for being a beacon of light in our community. Yeah, if you want to pay for the show, head on over to pandahotime.com slash Patreon and give me $5. Give me and Thomas five bucks a month to get you access to all of the bonus episodes as well as Discord access.

I made a note. I'm not going to pin it because I have the show poster pinned. I have to remind myself and others about this. When I set the Patreon up, it auto-added everybody that was already in there. When you set the Discord up? Sorry, when I set the Discord up, it added

everybody who was already on the email or RSS feed, whatever the fuck, for the Patreon. However, sometimes people get auto-added and sometimes people don't. And everything I read about it is either if it's an email thing, like if your Patreon email and your Discord email are different, the Patreon bot doesn't add people if it's not.

I don't fucking know. Anyway, read the post that's up at the top, or you can check out the about on the Patreon, or you can just message me on Twitter or whatever, or Instagram, and I will get you Discord access. If you sign up for the Patreon and you don't get added, message me, message the Patreon. You don't get added, message me. Message the Patreon.

You can just hit message creator or whatever the fuck, and I will send you a link, but there is one up there. That's five bucks a month. Ten bucks a month gets you access to all that cool shit plus video episodes. We have a sketch out. Check that shit out.

Try to get another one done for the end of the year. We also have a show coming up. If you're listening to this and you're from chicago which is about i don't fucking know 500 of you i think i don't fucking know um come on out to shuba's tavern lincoln's uh lincoln hall november 10th at 7 p.m tickets are 25 in advance 30 bones at the fucking door uh we're gonna do some stand up uh we're gonna do some live podcasting we're gonna do some hanging out we're gonna do some laughing tickets have been going people saying that message me that they're getting the damn tickets i think

they might do a second show if we sell out so if you do not get tickets for this one uh or go buy them but if you go to buy them and you see that they are not available, we'll probably do a second show. But I think, yeah, there's still some available. Anyway, listen to the show, buy the ticket, take the ride, enjoy your life,

purchase Lickphone, praise China. God bless. God bless. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye, China.