Pendejo Time - Themdiana Jones

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

Still a working title sorrySupport the Show.

Do you think you can fuck with me? Are you fucking with me right now? Do you really want to mess with me right now? Are you fucking with me? Do you think you can come in my house and fuck with me? Do you really think you can come over here and fuck with me? Do I seem like somebody that you can fuck with? Are you stomping on my fucking toes?

Do you have your foot up my ass? Are you beating the hell out of me? Are you fucking with me? Are you killing me? Are you fucking with me? Are you at my house fucking with me? Are you fucking with me right now? Are you messing with me right now? Are you messing with me?

Is this a prank? Are you fucking with me? Okay. Because I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I think I came across wrong there. I'm sorry, I think I came across wrong there. Just, I could have sworn you were fucking with me. Were you fucking with me earlier when we were joking around?

Were you messing around with me? Were you pulling the wool over my eyes? Were you fucking me up? Were you laying it down on me? Did you suck me down? Did I get sucked up like a buttercup? Did you kill my father? Are you a sniper? Did you, Were you ever a Navy SEAL? Did you ever kiss Chris Kyle? Was it on the lips? Thank you for joining us for our weekly free episode of Pendejo Pindeo time. I am your host, Thomas. Jake cannot be here, as he tragically... He's in quicksand. So, it's not what anybody wants to hear about their first or second favorite podcast host. But that's the case, you know, Jake and I,

we are podcasters, but before that, we're adventurers, and the other day, we were in, you know, one of the scary parts of South America, not one of the dance parts, you know, they've got two, it's all either Samba or Booby Traps down there And we were in Booby Trap Territory we were looking for An artifact I believe Some type of Ruby crown

I think and Jake was really More interested in it than I was Because I'm not big on rubies because I'm not A fucking girl But the way Jake saw it that was something that was important to him. And I thought that was cool. And Jake can have a lot more problems with me in terms of social stuff. So I figured best to get him out of the house.

So we went on this adventure basically. And what happened was we're in Paraguay, God forbid, or one of those places. And, well, we come across some bubbling sand. And this is sort of the classic type of bubbling, cauldron-like mixtures that you'll encounter, especially on adventures. Mixtures that you'll encounter Especially on adventures And You know Having watched a lot of MacGyver

And Indiana Jones And All the other blonde guys From back in the day You know You'll get that on the bigger jobs So I

Basically I grabbed a big ass vine That happened to be hanging down to around waist height. And I swung across the ravine and basically landed on the other side, and my muscles looked huge. It was really crazy. It was like somebody had rubbed baby oil on me, if you could believe it. I sure couldn't. I looked great. And you wouldn't know looking at me now, but in the adventure, it was something else.

I mean, it really was. Now, Jake, he grabbed a vine, but it was more knee length. And neither of us really thought anything of it i thought maybe the longer the vine the um the lesser the time that's jungle talk for you though it's one of those mini jungle sayings pardon me but anyway like I said, Jake basically goes to swing over this classic adventure ravine, and what ends up happening, if you could believe it, is he lands, and I take no pleasure in saying this, he lands, he hits the back of his head,

somehow gets a boo-boo on the back of his head i don't know how his pants fall off and he ends up stuck in the mud now here's a really sad part because of the mud situation and i hate to even say this because it's not you know it's not true but um his his but his pants get pulled down, and the whole tribe sees his wee-wee. And I know what you're thinking. A whole tribe saw Jake's wee-wee? That can't be true. And it's not, but it's something to think about with how it is in today's society.

I mean, just the other day, how it is in today's society. I mean, just the other day, I saw, I saw two hens fucking the other day. If you could believe that. And they were both females as far as I know. They were humping. You know, they weren't scissoring.

These were, I believe one of them was, I believe the vernacular is, one of them was a stud. And the other was getting strapped up, basically, and I don't have anything against that, I think it's a beautiful thing, but it's not something I've learned to expect from the chicken community. I expect it from dogs, you know. I remember my ex-girlfriend had these two dogs, these two old-ass dogs that used to fuck. And that could be real... It wasn't something I liked to see.

You know, nobody ever wants to see two dogs fuck, but seeing a 14-year-old dachshund, 14-year-old male dachshund 14 year old male dachshund makes get dicked down by a bigger dog is um i don't know it feels cruel to let it happen but you gotta wonder why uh why he was ended up in that situation all the time you know what i mean because they were friend dogs i think i think part of me found it hard to admit that I was friends with an old gay dog. At the time, that was more different for me than it is now. I'll say that for sure.

Nowadays, if I was friends with an old ass gay dog, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Nowadays, you know, if I was friends with an old-ass gay dog, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Because, I mean, most of my friends now got more complicated situations than that, you know what I mean? So it would be, I mean, I can, that one's pretty easy to remember. But, I mean, if you've got a gay dog at home, what I would say is, you know, just try and treat it it like an equal treat it like you would treat a straight dog you know so if you see it you know this guy it's a little red rocket out at the dog park put a condom on your dog you know what i mean even if it's a gay dog put a condom on and um you know if you're gonna let that type of rendezvous go down you know you need to your dog needs to be strapped up and a lot of people say you know quit putting a condom on your dog

every time you make him go for a walk my dog look you think i'm leaving the house without a condom on i don't care if i'm taking the trash out because you never know you know what my neighbor's got a pitbull you know what if what if my neighbor's pitbull comes and tries to take advantage of me you know what i mean that's something i worry about getting taken advantage of by a pit bull because it's one thing as a man to get murdered by a pit bull. If I got raped by one, I'd be pissed as hell because that's like,

man, that's fucked up. You're getting dominated, dominated. Getting killed is a whole different deal. You know what I mean? Although I will say, if you get killed by dogs as a man As a grown man I feel like it's best for it to at least be

A gang of dogs At least a gaggle of dogs At least two or three You get killed by one dog It's like alright You know You get killed by one dog It's like the dog was better than you in that way

It was able to outsmart you You got beaten by something That you helped domesticate You know So In that case it's just a Fail of domestication Although if a whole group of dogs

Once you fucked up Like they're probably right. You know what I mean? I generally trust the dogs to make the right decisions. Not really with pit bulls. And I'm not even trying to get into, like, it's okay if you own a pit bull and it's a nice one or whatever, but if you're not taking it for walks or whatever,

that's, you know, who gives a fuck, actually? Just a bunch of nurses letting their kids get mauled. That's fine. See if the hospital can show you how to put a fucking head back on. You know, a little infant head. That's not, you know, we don't like to talk about stuff like that on here, but that's okay. Getting down to the nitty gritty. I hope everybody had a good week, you know.

I didn't, but it was okay. I hope you did. There's a lot of things in life to enjoy. Yeah, so basically, oh, Jake is actually on vacation right now. Believe it or not, I made up the quicksand thing. That was just a little joke. In the news this week, the Supreme Court has rejected affirmative action programs at Harvard and UNC. So that, man, that's fucking, that's certainly something.

They declared that the race-conscious admissions programs were unlawful and sharply curtailing a policy that had long been a pillar of higher education. Yeah, I mean, that's one of those things, I hate to say it, but as a 23-year-old community college sophomore, I will say, you know, I had a 1.3 GPA Going back to college That I had to work back from And as somebody

Who's up to I think like a 2.4 now You know I feel like I feel like you can do it with your Pull yourself up by the bootstraps How about that How about you don't even apply to college

How about you kill yourself You. How about that? How about you don't even apply to college? How about you kill yourself? You ever think about that, dumbass? You know? How about you fucking... How about you go... How about you fucking eat dirt for a living, you piece of shit? White piece of shit trying to go to college. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Oh, you're Asian and you want to go to college? Why don't you fucking go to college fuck you fuck you oh you're asian and you want to go to college why don't you fucking go to go to this fucking asia university how about that i don't actually really have an opinion on this um and if there is an asia, I apologize to anybody who goes there. Probably not. It would be a pretty fucking useless university. You'd have to teach so many languages. You know what I mean?

Better to have one in each country, probably. But what do I know about the Asian upper education system? Hell, I don't even know that much about the American higher education system. In fact, I call it an upper education system about a sentence ago. I don't think anybody calls it that. You know? It's not upper Manhattan.

Upper college. Fucking dumbass. Nice job, Thomas. Making yourself look like a goddamn idiot. Stupid. In local news today, a Fort Worth soul food restaurant suffers fire damage, but owner vows to rebuild. Owners love to vow to rebuild after they burn down their own restaurants.

love to vow to rebuild after they burn down their own restaurants. Whenever I get this insurance payout, God willing, put this on my fucking grave. I will make the 15th best fried chicken in this

Metroplex. You know, I gotta say it There's enough Okay Well Here's a funny one Dude fucking

There's so much news And it's all made up Thief ruins Mall of America vacation For Texas family Oh my god I can't believe it. Somebody got robbed at the mall. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

You know, who cares? Oh, nice. Local school district has banned LGBTQ pronoun and bathroom accommodations. That's right. No gay poop. No gay poop at this school.

Fucker. There's some protests in France and as previously reported by the entire world. Who gives a fuck about what they got going on? France, you know, I understand life is probably objectively better there. I know they have health care and stuff like that. The poor are treated better, it seems like.

But I'll tell you what. I'm an American, and you know what we like like big cheeseburgers we like french fries sweet potatoes like hot dogs you know we'll fuck with whatever they got going on um you know i imagine they just paint The Eiffel Tower all day I imagine they're all Dressed up like mimes I imagine the frogs Sing over there I imagine you know People are just fucking

And eating bread all day Is what I imagine Everybody smells horrible That's okay. Ah. What a life we live. Every day we toil. Isn't that nice?

Hope you guys have been doing well. I've been trying to learn more about things i was reading a bunch of skyrim lore today i know what you're thinking this guy is depressed that can't be the case so that's just not how things are you know a guy like me getting severely depressed over the course of a few months just could not happen. I've always been a happy-go-lucky guy. That's what I'm known as.

That's the energy I've sustained over the years. And, you know, the weird thing about reading a lot of lore, for me, about Elder Scrolls, is I'm not that, like, I don't fucking care that much about Elder Scrolls. I've played probably 70 hours of Skyrim, maybe 100, and I have barely played any Oblivion or Morrowind or any of those games, because I didn't really get into them until until like last year i'd never played skyrim i had never played fucking i just i just downloaded marowind like a month ago and as it turns out

it was indeed made a long ass time ago so kind of hard for me to enjoy when by today's standards it does suck shit so sorry just bad graphics it's all right it's no no fault of their own but yeah you know i think for a lot of people certain times in their life will find them learning obsessively about things that they don't particularly even enjoy. For a while, I was keeping obsessive track over who was on top in terms of all the licorice brands that are sold on Amazon. I had them pulled up. And it was bookmarked in my phone. So I could keep track of the rankings.

See which licorice were being sold the most. And it pissed me off. How popular. Twizzlers and Red Vines really are. And. Good and Plenty's never left the list either. And those are okay. But they're not. They're not Wile E. Wallaby.

They're not Daryl Lee. Nobody is fucking with New Zealand and Australia in terms of licorice right now, in terms of mainstream licorice output, and I know I'm going to catch a lot of heat from saying that. I know you guys are passionate licorice lovers. I know our audience is mostly boys in English boarding schools. So I know your crowd is passionate about things like licorice, Turkish delight, all the other boy candies.

You don't see kids eating candy as much as they used to. It seems like it's mostly fast food now. Used to be people would give candy all the time. But eventually it turned into a thing that pedophiles did. And now if you have, let's say if you have a great big lollipop, you know, like the size of a fucking fist. If you have that in your bag and you see a little girl you can't give her that lollipop or then her family will think that you have bad intentions but really i mean used to be you could be a guy who just gave kids lollipops

all day and nobody thought twice about it. They were like, fuck yeah, that dude has a big ass van full of candy just for my kids. You know why? Because he's the opposite of a pedophile. He's a guy who just wants to give them candy. Not saying those guys don't exist. I think that's, I think most people who are nice to children just want to be nice, but... You know, probably shouldn't be letting random people babysit your kids and stuff like that.

Unless you want them to get molested. Anyway, Skyrim is a beautiful game. I want to start a new campaign soon, but I don't know what race I want to play as, I'm big on the races in Skyrim, you know, I tried to be an Argonian, as it turns out, not the best, not the best choice, I would love a world, I would love in this next Elder Scrolls game. Alright. I would love if a lot of it was underwater. And I would love if you could do more. With the Argonians. Because I think they're cool as shit.

I'd love to be a lizard guy. It's one of the only things I really want in life. Is I'd love to be able to breathe underwater. And be a lizard. And to. Kind of. I think I would like to be an alligator or a crocodile but i wouldn't want to hurt anybody or or kill an animal so i don't really know how that would work

i don't think i've got it in me to crush a duck in my jaws let alone an antelope or a child or a woman. I could never kill a woman with my jaws. I think that would cross a moral line for me. And I know I'm going to catch some heat for that. Thomas, if you're a crocodile and you volunteer to be one, surely you can kill a woman with your jaws. I don't think so. You know, she's probably washing her children's clothes in the river.

I can eat other things. You know, I can eat fish. I can eat reeds or whatever. I don't know. I don't even know what all crocodiles can eat fish i can eat uh reeds or whatever i don't know i don't even know what all crocodiles can eat you know it seems like they only eat fucking exotic ass shit i never you never see a video of a crocodile eating an ant you know it's always the fucking rarest type of deer you've ever seen. Or... Crocodile eating. Crocodile things...

Crocodile things to eat. Crocodile things to eat. Fucking brilliant. In the wild, crocodiles eat insects, fish, small frogs, lizards, crustaceans, and small mammals. Dude, they eat fucking insects? You're telling me they eat goddamn

insects. That's... Okay. Okay. All right, well. I'm finding a lot of instructions for feeding them. Apparently, if any of you guys have a pet crocodile at home, do not feed them chicken or beef only. I don't even fucking know what that means.

even fucking know what that means, crocodiles are crazy, you know, let's see, they eat crustaceans and mollusks, mollusks, mollusks. I've never seen a mollusk in my life. I don't know what. I don't know. I'm sure they're under the water somewhere. If any mollusks are listening. God, dude. I'm butchering that word. That's a hard word to say for me.

Mollusks. Fuck that. They're crabs now. Enjoy being a crustacean, mollusks. You guys don't get your own category anymore. I'm now realizing I know pretty much nothing about crocodiles. They eat octopi and squids. Which are both crustaceans apparently.

What the fuck? Do you guys know that? Octopus? I said octopus. Octopus? Octopus crustacean is it octopus octopus crustacean is it fuck i forgot the type is it is it Fuck! They're mollusks. That's what a mollusk is?

Okay, so it says crustaceans include crabs, lobster, crawfish, shrimp, and prawn. I thought prawn was a type of shrimp. So that fucks me up, but Mollusks Include squid Octopus Mussels Snails Clams Oysters

Abalone And scallops Fuck Well, I have been I've been bested Apparently, I know what a mollusk is now. It's fucked up that we eat octopuses. I think I've said this before.

Now, they are delicious. You know, but it's one of those things where I'm like, I could go without calamari for the rest of my life, I think. You know, I would be okay. Finding out how smart octopi were It was like finding out I had been eating Like kindergartners

Speaking of eating Kindergarteners Let's see what the Clintons Are up to Clinton family You know You know you have A bad family Clinton family. You know, you know you have a bad family when you can Google them.

Let's see. Who the hell is Tyler Cassidy Clinton? I found Bill Clinton's nephew And he's a model Wow Found that instantly Fucking awesome This guy is a model for all the big brands Because

His uncle is Bill Clinton This guy's not even that handsome Okay I lied He kind of does look like a model Bill Clinton. This guy's not even that handsome. Okay, I lied. He kind of does look like a model, but I don't really know how to describe him past that. You know what I mean? I think he's here walking for Ferragamo.

Okay, you know. I'll let him have this. Seems like there's worse things he could be doing. God knows he was probably put through the ringer. In the Clinton family, you end up as a model. Oh, he's only 29 also. Let's see who Roger Clinton is.

Just a... Okay, half-brother? You know, I don't really give a fuck about this guy, he's a guy from Hot Springs, Arkansas, I don't think he's, I don't think he's doing a whole lot with his life, Bill Clinton, though, he is, he's, he was the president, and before that, he was, he was governor of Arkansas, I he was um he was governor of arkansas i feel like moving up from governor of arkansas is a big step i feel like it's one of the only states where you can be governor and people are like uh okay i guess you know nice job presiding over 120 000 people or whatever it is I'm sure there's

Like how do you even get rich off being the governor of Arkansas The therapeutic Mineral water springs You know you You funnel money out of that Do you make money off I guess you could sell state park land.

But... Fuck, dude. Slim Pickens. I'm sorry. Sorry, Bill. He might be the most famous person from Arkansas. You ever think about that?

Let's see. Arkansas people. I'm a big research guy. I don't know about y'all. Arkansas people. Well, Arkansas is 70.2% white. I guess I don't know what I was expecting there. You know, that's about... Sounds about right.

Now we'll be back in a minute. I'm going to blow my nose. See you guys. And we're back. Jesus Christ, Thomas. I had quite a while to clear my throat and it seems I did not do that.

Now I'm going to level with you guys. When I said that I was going to take a break to blow my nose, I don't know why I said that, to be honest, because I had no need to do such a thing. I was simply out of ideas for what to talk about, but I went and I ate a sandwich. I made two sandwiches sandwiches one for me and one for my girlfriend and let me tell you folks they turned out pretty well all right and here's what we're rocking with today okay so i had some sourdough from heb which if you don't live in Texas, it's just a regular grocery store And what else, what was it? So it was some leftover chicken thighs

That we had I sort of tore them off the bone or whatever Mixed it up in some Dijon mustard Alright, so Put that on the bread With some Munster A little bit of mayo on the bun then also some pickles and some roasted red peppers and then we threw that on the skillet you know kind of pressed it got it like a grilled cheese type of situation If you catch my drift Ended up being a pretty good

Pretty good sandwich We were watching some Thing about submarines And Navy ships Pretty cool I think the Navy is I don't think it's

Here's my thing. I don't want to be on the ocean that much, you know what I mean? To where I'm going to bother building a ship that only has to be refueled every 70 years or whatever because it runs on uranium. I think it's sick as fuck that that exists i would prefer it if that only existed maybe in like a movie or something though you know what i mean like i don't really like that that type of power exists uh makes me feel very makes me feel anything I've ever done Is somewhat futile You know what I mean? Like I'm gonna do some cool stuff in my life

I've already done some cool stuff with my life, you know So will you I I Presume But One thing I'm never going to do And I can just say this outright

Because I know it's not going to happen I'm never going to invent a ship That Could basically fit Washington D.C. on it And runs off uranium And has multiple reactors on it And runs off. A fist size supply of uranium.

For like 50 years. That's just not going to happen. It's not really where my priorities are right now. Now if that's you. Hey. You go for it buddy. But it just sounds. You know.

There's something a little bit sketchy. About nuclear. Things to me. And I'm not entirely into nuclear power just because I don't, honestly don't. I don't know how it works. Like I do, I know the process. But I just, beyond a very, like I have a fifth grader's understanding of nuclear power, where I'm like, oh, well, the rods go in the, the cooling tank, and then the, you know. So, I'm not gonna pretend to be an expert on that.

I did take a tour of a nuclear power plant, um, like, office area one time, so basically, uh, my grandmother at the time, um, she's since passed, but at the time she was, um, we, so I used to play violin for her, um, So I used to play violin for her Sunday school class sometimes. It was like an elderly group. But a nice group of gals. And I went on a field trip one time out to Glen Rose, Texas. If you go out there, there's two things that are notable about Glen Rose. You've got Fossil Rim, which is a little spot in the river over there where they've got old dinosaur prints.

Dinosaur footprints in the river rock. You can see it. It's a lot more worn out than it was Even like 10 years ago But I remember when I was a little kid It was like It was pretty legit Anyway Still worth it if you're out there for some reason They're very racist though

Anyway You've got that And you've also got a nuclear power plant. And I think that's beautiful. You know, we build upon the bones. You know, there's probably actual dinosaur bones underneath that power plant. You know, we build upon the bones of our predecessors. Only to...

Anyway, you know, that's okay. I mean, it's not like you can really build anything and be sure it's not on top of dinosaur dust. You know what I mean? I mean, really, what can you do? If I found a dinosaur skeleton, you know how big it would have to be for me to contact a museum? Imagine you find a small dinosaur skeleton

and you call a museum and they tell you it's a fucking dog skeleton and then you're haunted knowing you found a dog skeleton they tell you it's a fucking dog skeleton And then you're haunted Knowing you found a dog skeleton For the rest of your life You feel like a piece Like they treat you like you're a piece of shit Like you called the

Three piece suit guy over From the Smithsonian Museum Or whatever the fuck I don't think I feel like you have to work your way up to the Smithsonian, you know, maybe like the first artifact you find, I'll have to talk to Indiana Jones about this, but maybe like the first artifact you find, it goes to like a small museum, and you work your way up, I don't know, but I feel like if it was a scenario like that, you know, they would act like

you had killed the dog. And like done a prank. Where it's like I'm going to call the museum guy. And get him to look at it. And that wouldn't be cool. So please don't do that. But yeah. I mean.

Realistically though. I think museums are going to take what they can get Whenever we were kids, we used to donate Puerto Rican kids to this one museum In Dallas And they'd give us 40 bucks for them That's what we had down here Instead of collecting those Tin cans

Or like the milk pails or anything We would just I'm not beating the sleepyhead allegations tonight fellas I'll tell you that much Sometimes you just Sometimes a week just Sometimes you take hold of the day Sometimes it takes hold of you

And then it Then it fucks you It kills you That's just That's just how it goes You know that's That's just how it goes Whenever I do these solo episodes

People are always like Man You sound so fucking You sound like you're having so much fun You sound like you love doing this show by yourself That's right I'm having a blast over here You guys ever think about How long it would take us to notice if there was a new type of cloud that showed up?

It'd only be really fucking annoying people that would tell me about it. And then I would just not look up. Because I'll do that out of spite. There's some cool ass shit in this world. An annoying person through my eyes wants to show me, I'll just say no, I don't give a fuck if it's about Mars or whatever it is, I'm just not gonna know that, you're gonna know it and I won't, and I'll be less rich in my knowledge of the world because of it, but I don't give a fuck, I don't want to learn about that from you, you don't get to have

your imprint on me because you told me about how many rings jupiter has or whatever the fuck how they got a new mars rover and there must be life up there because somebody fucked the mars rover that'd be cool imagine if they had a booty cam on the mars rover and it was another mars creature hitting it from the back. Would you watch that shit, Loki? Even though it would be a robot sex situation? I don't know what I would do.

I think that would be one of my biggest fears going to Mars was that one of the rovers would get all horny and just try and fucking do whatever they wanted to me. I would be so scared. We have waited a long time for you to come here to jack us off.

I don't know if, I don't really know if it's in the Mars rover's brain to get hornier, to get jacked off. Probably not. You know, I wouldn't program that into anything. But definitely something to consider. Anyway, I think I'm going to call this one for right now. And get back to you guys next week When Jake Is back in town

Because This old boy is getting pretty Pretty sleepy And I don't want to bore you guys But Thank you for tuning in To this week's free episode of Pendejo Time If you are listening

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