Pendejo Time - therapist assassin

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

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yeah it's cool to be health conscious and then tell the tell the people like don't even lie to the people that were running the meal plan service you know what do you like to eat and you know you might feel compelled to say i i like broccoli i like rice just said dude i fucking love eating um juju beans i really like fucking fully loaded mashed potatoes. I like brown gravy in a bucket. Yeah, my favorite foods, honestly, if this is what I would say if I was applying to be an alien and they asked me, oh, what do you like to eat normally? Applying to be an alien?

Yeah, if I was applying to be an alien and they said, okay, what do you like to eat if you want to be an alien? I'd say usually I like floripal blue goo and sometimes like i'll drink like snackle trackle and uh and then and then sometimes for a dessert i like to have green slime and they would say, really? You have green slim? And what else are you probably having, too? What are you having, Florpal Doodle? And I would say, oh, it's my favorite. And they'd say, we fucking made up Florpal Doople.

You're not going to be an alien, and you're a piece of shit. And we're going to fucking hit you with a rock raise. You're being interviewed by Chuck Windig. He's disguising himself as an alien. He's a guy that's like, it's Monday, better zam diddly on to the coffee zone and get your fucking wiggle waggle going. Because, oh my God, it's fucking ping pong time. Did you hear that guy shot himself in the head twice? Yeah, once for my amusement and the other time because he was done being alive. Yeah, he had one gun in his mouth and then he had the other one in his asshole.

The bullets met somewhere in his chest. He had a Rube Goldberg machine where a guy slapped him on the back of the head and it triggered both of the gunshots at once. So it was the shortest Rube Goldberg machine ever. No, the guy's name was Rube Goldberg Machine. And he just smacks the shit out of him, and then he kills himself. Good old Rube and Machine. We went to high school with them. Yeah, it's my Rube Goldberg machine to kill myself.

A guy just knocks me unconscious, and I wake up and blow my brains out. Yeah, I just came up with the new Rube Goldberg machine where I take a bunch of fucking pills and go to bed. Yeah, yeah. The new ethical way to do fucking euthanasia. At the end of stage, terminal euthanasia. Canada's working on it. It's like a mousetrap situation.

Oh, like a, you know, they have this machinery that you never know what actually kills the person in order for people to do the Hippocratic Oath. The doctors don't actually have to kill them. Yeah, kind of. Basically, it's like a guy comes up to you he's wearing a mask and he knocks you unconscious and he shoots you in your chest in your head a bunch of times and then you get lethally injected so it's not sure the doctor killed you or the guy killed you and that way you can have you know plausible deniability or whatever and that's what we're gonna start this new like rube goldbergberg machine, and it sucks because it starts with me having to experiment with guys.

And I'm like, fuck, I wish I could set off this machine differently. But I have no choice. You're trying to play mousetrap with a buddy, and you pull a card, but you won't let him see the card. And it's like, oh, dude, you got to, in order to release the trap and have it go down the ladder and get my mouse, you have to suck my dick. Let me see that card. Really?

No, no, you don't have to see it. You don't have to see the card. But it for sure says that. So if you have to fling the marble into the funnel, the funnel spins down, and then it hits my mouse trap. It goes down the ladder. It'll catch my mouse. But before you can flick the marble, you have to suck my balls for about 30 minutes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just drew a new card in Uno, and I'm putting it down. And it means you have to fuck the neighbors so gross when they sunbathe shit I got a draw to what do you got oh dude you got a pay you got to pay my rent for a year and then you have to move in with me too and you have to dress like a girl and sleep in my bed. I hate this game. I have to finger myself. It's the worst game.

Shit about the kids version. Ah, fuck, dude. Why'd we get the gay adult version? Oh, man, I fucking love Cards Against Humanity. Thanks for inviting me over. Oh, what's this? The prompt says things that you Say to your friend That's playing this game with you alone

Oh looks like you have to put your blank In my blank Looks like you have to put your balls in my butt Shit that's Fuck man It looks like we're screwed I hate this game I just drew this it says name three times in the next hour

You're gonna suck my dick with your mouth. That doesn't even make sense. That's crazy, man. I don't remember playing this. I don't remember how this. I don't know how Yahtzee goes. Fuck, man. I guess they've changed all the rules.

Let's see. Things you can put in your butt. Let's see Things you can put in your butt Let's see we got A chair A horse My friend Michael's Big dick What?

I don't I'm not gonna pick that one I'll put a chair This is how I remember playing Monopoly Is Michael even here? Yeah I. I'll put a chair. This isn't how I remember playing Monopoly. Is Michael even here? Yeah, I guess I'll have to beat Michael. That's not how I remember playing. Sorry.

Oh, you have to. Sorry. Sex. We're going to play sorry. Sorry. You have to have sex with me. Then I have to kill you. Let's see.

Battleship. B2. Fuck, you sunk my ship, and now I have to blow you under the table. Oh, shit. You got the bow of my ship and the balls of my dick. You just hit my...

Oh, you hit the shaft of my boat. You hit my black shaft, dude. Fuck. You hit the fucking shaft of my boat. You hit my black shaft, dude. You hit the fucking shaft of my fucking missile, dude. You just sunk my edible panties. Oh, fuck. You just sunk my fucking body glitter. Oh, you hit the anus of the battleship. Shit, dude.

Fuck. I have to put this whole game in my ass and I have to put the little red missiles in my b-hole I have to put a camera in your in my room now I have to put a camera in your car and watch you fucking in traffic alone your most private moments the moments you think no one else sees I have to see them oh that's so bad oh no I have to fucking i have to put my dog down in front of you hey man you told uh you you uh come here let me talk to you for a second man you invited thomas to play board games with us and you said he was chill we've been through sorry monopoly cards against humanity yahtzee, and Cranium.

In every game, he pulls out a card where one of us has to have sex with him. And some of these games, dude, don't even have cards. So you need to fucking do some explaining. Look, man, I'm doing all my cards. Get out of here. Get. Get. I'm sorry. I don't Get out of here. Get. Get. I'm sorry.

I don't know what he was doing here. He's gone now. Listen, man. I'm just saying. You invited this guy over. And every game that we play, he invents a new rule where one of us has to fuck him. And I'm just saying that it's kind of weird. My wife's here.

Yeah, I don't. Look. I don't agree with it personally. You know? Weird. My wife's weird, man. Yeah, I don't... Look. I don't agree with it personally, you know, but I'm not going to take a guy's Second Amendment rights to play video games with us, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, yeah, I guess. I mean, I guess he has the freedom of speech to invent new rules where he has to get orgied by everybody here.

A lot of people grow up playing games different. We used to play suck-em-off poker. Yeah, yeah, a lot of people Grow up playing games Different We used to play Suck em off poker Yeah yeah A lot of Yeah we used to play Fuck em and hold em Where you have sex With a guy

And you snuggle With him For like two or three hours Other people played Blackjack We used to play Black guy named Jack Who would

Like we'd kiss It's kind of a Man you know what I miss that game so much I always thought it was A bit of a mouthful I always thought it was A bit of

I actually thought They could have shortened The name Of that game Just a little bit I figured maybe You know Yeah it was a

It was a long It was a long German game Long box For the Yeah yeah The box to play the game Was like eight feet long.

But some of those games have a very storied history. Yeah, black guy named Jack that we would have to kiss. Yeah, you have to stutter, too. It's important. It's important, yeah. Black guy named Jack that I would have to kiss. It was probably one of my favorite card games growing up. Everybody, whenever I would bring that up,

people would be like, are you talking about black Jack? You know, like the casino game. I'd say, no, that game's fun too. But I feel like the house is more in your favor with black guy named Jack who I have people, different people have different preferences. You know what I mean? Yeah, people play all sorts of games, you know. There's Russian 11.

You know, it's just like that movie Lotions 11. Yeah. We don't have to talk about the plot If you don't want to My uncle showed it to me one time In his basement And I didn't really like it all that much But yeah They had lotions 12

They had lotions 13 I didn't like the lotions 13 Where it was all girls Yeah I was kind of mad about that I don't want to see a bunch of girls Doing lotions 11 stuff Yeah Honestly yeah What if they had I don't want to see a bunch of girls doing Lotions 11 stuff. Yeah.

Honestly, yeah. What if they did a new diverse one where it was instead of a little Chinese guy, it was a big, fat, white guy, and the box was just really big that he had to fit in. Yeah, like a huge. Any person could fit in. Yeah, a huge huge... Any person could fit in. Yeah, a huge fat, like, NB type. You know, like the... No, they should...

They made the person fat already. We're going back to white. We're going... It has to be... A fat white guy? It's the only white guy in the movie, though. It's crazy they just... That one of the guys' whole thing was just that he was a tiny guy

He was a Chinese guy who was flexible, yeah, yeah Nowadays, you know, they would be having probably, I don't know, a Tibetan guy on there Yeah, maybe a Taiwanese guy Yeah, anyway, yeah, we used to play Texas Suck and Blow Em. We used to play Black Guy. We used to play Five Cards Stud That Fucks Me. Yeah, we used to play. We used to play Let It Ride On My Balls.

Yeah, so Baccarat, we used to play Around the Block. There's a lot where we can shoot some hoops. And that was a fun game. Yeah, I love a theme change. I love... Yeah. Around the block, there are a lot of guys who love to hang out with me and be my friend,

and nothing else goes on. It's just my friends, and we're hanging out in their truck. Yeah, it used to be uh betting it all on red and roulette and now it's just trying to get ahead and who's who's who's up next yeah you know jake i i had a serious thought the other day. Yeah, let's hear it, brother. I was in a park, and I was feeding pigeons. You know, I like doing that. And I saw a couple of really little kids,

and I mean, like, probably six or eight inches tall. And they were running, and they were playing with a frisbee. Right. And that was probably two or three centimeters wide. And I noticed one say to the other, Yep. We used to tell our parents goodnight.

Mm-hmm. And now we tell our parents fortnight and now we tell our parents fortnight yeah yeah you got to experience something that a lot of people don't get to experience is two children in pensive sort of contemplative thought most kids just play and then they die playing or they die of some sort of illness. But you got to see two children experiencing like a moment of, you know, like mature conceptual thought. Yeah. We used to tell our parents goodnight and now we tell them fortnight. That is not something that your average five-year-old would say. No, no, it's not.

That's a mature child. Child that's going to grow up to have a really cool job, like land surveyor. Yes, yes. Pickle. What did you, whenever you were tiny, what did you want to do when you got big? Man, I really, really, really, really, really wanted to be, and I'm kind of glad I missed, I'm glad I didn't follow through with this. I wanted to be a professional wrestler. Like, I wanted to be, like, Triple H, or, like, Stone Cold, or there was a wrestler, his name was just, his whole thing was just That he liked butts And his name was Mr. Ass

And I thought he was awesome Because he came out to a song That was like I like to lick em I like to slap em And this was like 1999 2000 So it was pretty racy stuff

I wanted to be a professional wrestler I wanted to Have like a gimmick I had a picture taken At school one day That was like What do you want to be? And it said I want to be a wrestler And I saw a picture of it I have like an Nick i had a picture taken on in school one day that was like what do you want to be and said i want to be a wrestler and i saw a picture of it i have like an nwo bandana on and

i've got like the belt and i've got a kid and a fucking headlock and i'm like flexing i'm like i'm gonna be the fucking greatest wwe wrestler of all time uh but then i quickly realized uh when i got like 12 years old all of those guys are addicted to Oxycontin and they're very bad. The industry does a lot to you. It makes you not like a,

you know, not all of them but many of them aren't great guys and it's kind of like a dog eat dog world. It's a dog eat dog world out there

and so I didn't get to be a wrestler. I got to be, I got to work in advertising and podcasting. That's good. What did you want to be?'t get to be a wrestler. I got to work in advertising and podcasting. That's good. What did you want to be? I wanted to be, so whenever I was really little,

I thought that most guys who ride on motorcycles, like that's their job. Yeah, same. I remember. So I decided I wanted to be a motorcycle guy. And then I got a few years older. And it turns out those guys do get paid for that, but they get paid for the selling meth part. Yeah.

So I decided, you know what? I'm going to cut my losses. And I'm going to be a detective. I kind of wish that I found out that was a police officer, and even as a seven-year-old, I was like, well, that's gay. Yeah, I don't want to be the rule guy. Because I used to like being the robber in Cops and Robbers.

I'm a robber. Yeah. I'm not a cop. Yeah. I thought when I was a kid that all of the most grueling, back-breaking, or just straight-up illegal, dangerous, life-threatreatening and sort of life-ruining jobs were awesome. Like obviously there are the cliche ones like firefighter. Um, but I think I mentioned it to you before. I thought

that the one thing I really wanted more than anything was not to be the guy that drove the garbage truck, but to be the bad-ass son of a bitch that hung off the end of it all day. That looks so sick to me. I was like, you get to hang off the back of a moving car and you just get to pick up bags of shit and throw it into a big monster's mouth all fucking day i thought that guy was this he had the sickest life i pictured that guy like when i was a kid like the guy that hung off the back of the dumpster he went home every day to like a mansion like taught like fucking beautiful shiny glossy like marble floors and like a dope-ass car and like a hot-ass wife and like two cool sons and like you know guest house and pool and then I got old and realized those guys typically come home and smoke heroin off a tinfoil.

And, you know, they don't do any type of cool stuff. I'm not saying everybody that works for the city is a drug addict. But a lot of the guys that I knew that worked for the city were 100% drug addicts. Yeah, that's fair. And then what were some other ones? I wanted to be a marine biologist for a while as well. And then I realized that everybody else in fifth grade also wanted to be one and i thought a lot of these kids are smarter than me i don't think all 40 of us are

gonna be marine biologists i decided to be an architect and then it turns out uh that's fucking stupid yeah i thought uh i thought being an architect would like when i was a kid i was like oh that's what that pays it's one of of those guaranteed to make a lot of money jobs. And I had two friends that majored in it, and they all wait tables. That happens a lot, no matter, regardless of your area of study. But I was like, oh, it's like being a lawyer or a doctor. You're guaranteed, but it's like not. Yeah, because I thought it was the same thing as being an engineer.

Yeah, yeah, me too. Which even engineering jobs can be competitive you know what i mean for sure yeah yeah for sure which sucks if you get a hard degree anybody should hire yes dude yeah that's like when dude i was so dead set on being a lawyer like i was like fuck it i'm not gonna fucking be a musician like this shit sucks like stand-ups gay like this was when i was like like i guess halfway through college i was like fuck it i'll just be a lawyer and uh i was like oh in my in my 1920 year old brain i was like if you take the lsat and you study for it and you go to law school then you get to be a lawyer after and you

get to make like a bunch of money it's like being a doctor like you put in the time and or whatever and then i talked to two lawyers one of my professors whose wife had her own practice her own firm uh and then like the guy that taught my lsat course or whatever he was like hey yeah man you could go like three hundred thousand dollars in the debt and just like never find a job and then you could also find a job that pays like the same as like being a teacher. Getting into big law is like really hard. Getting into the big firm is hard. You got to know somebody and you have to went through a really good law school and you have to have a really good GPA. What's your GPA like?

And I'd be like, it's like a two point. OK, yeah, you're more you're more like in the 70K range. You might as well just work your way up in a grocery store or something. Plus, you'll still work 80 hour weeks and want to kill yourself and you won't even have the money or the car the lifestyle to show for it so i was like oh i heard that from one guy what is oh how do other people respond to this do they feel the same way everybody i talked to is like yeah no don't don't do it but i just yeah i just thought it was my job that you made a bunch of money doing whatever yeah oh well but being all the winners no being a garbage man hanging off the fucking back of the shit was cool i thought what other type of shit that i thought was dope um

fucking obviously yeah fireman i used to think being a lumberjack was cooler yeah for lumber's gonna say lumberjack forklift driver i was like dude you have your own vehicle that's not your car yeah i thought they like drove them home yeah yeah like so you like rich guys have a company car or whatever yeah i was like dude that's their forklift it just sits in their driveway and they just like take it i was i was fully like fucking i was way too old when i found that wasn't the case also farmers seem like a cooler job when you're young yeah at least to me. I thought being a rancher would be cool, I guess. Well, I didn't know that a lot of their life is just subsidized.

I recently found this out. Yeah, yeah. A lot of their life is just subsidized by the government. Their farms, a whole bunch of their shit is just like, they're like, they're like, I, a lot of these guys are like anti handout,

but like, I'm like half their fucking income is just like government subsidies and shit. Same for like people who like start big companies or like own them or whatever. Like a lot of their R and D is just like, like I was like, Oh, it would be cool to be an entrepreneur or farmer. Did you ever go to one of those types of like discovery kids where you went to like a fake town and they gave you like a fake job?

And then like you would like, you know, you made fake money. It was like how to be an adult or whatever the fuck. And you would take this. The one that I went to, you take a little. It was like a field trip in like, I don't know, fourth or fifth grade. And you went to a little town and you filled out the thing that was like, here's what you could be like per your skills. They had me.

I was supposed to be like the guy who like, I guess it would be like, I was like design the city buildings. I didn't know how to draw. I don't know why they did that. But I always thought like, oh, I wonder if any of my friends got like robber or like killer. You know what I mean? Yeah.

In the little adult town. How do you get that job? Yeah. I would probably be the town, town hooper. Maybe the town like shit talker. Town thinker. Town money getter. Town fucker.

Oh my God. Yeah. He's a town pussy eater. The town munch. Yeah. Yeah, the town fucking dick gunner. Fuck, I got the town guy that gets fucked by my friend a bunch. It sucks.

He's playing guess who. Like, oh, who does he look like? He looks fucking like the kind of guy who would get a lot of fucking pussy and have a lot of money in his bank account and have a dope-ass place with a cool-ass life and then nothing bad ever happened to him. And anybody ever asked if he had any problems, he'd say no because his life's been 100% good, no problems.

He looks like the type of guy who knows his way around a vajayjay. Yeah, he looks like the type of guy who fucking is a pleasure giver and fucking nothing bad ever happened to him. Yeah, he doesn't have anything. If you were to say, hey, man, it's cool. We can talk about it. He would say, I don't have nothing to fucking talk about because my life has been so bad. And nothing to talk about because I'm fucking cool.

My life has been so badass, dude. It's been so sick. I'll talk about money. We could talk about that. We could talk about cash flow, income. We could talk about that. We could talk about cash flow, income. We could talk about fucking our success. In therapy, like your first therapy session with a new shrink. Like, so, you know, I guess we can just start off with the basics.

You know, your name's Thomas. What brought you in today? You know, obviously people who seek therapy typically, you know, they come in, something happened, you know what I mean? Yeah, so like my accountant's mad at me right now because I've been like making too much money. And then the banker is mad because they said they don't have room for all my cash at the bank, so they got to stack it up next to the counters. And they don't have room for people to sit. got to stack it up next to the counters and they don't have room for people to sit and the stock market said i can't invest money no more because whenever i put money in everybody pays attention and it makes the stock go up a million times because of how much money it is okay okay well

it seems like you're doing well for yourself yeah but you know a lot of my clients a lot of my clients are successful so i mean everybody who. Probably not as successful as me, unfortunately. Yo, I do not like cooking or doing the dishes. If I had it my way, I would never do either of those things. But I still have to feed myself. You have to eat food. It's part of being alive. Luckily, guys, Factor Meals has you covered with their pre-prepared, chef-crafted, and dietician-approved meals.

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You're probably the biggest eater they have on staff. Yeah, and that was just for breakfast. Hell yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm glad Thomas is getting in his midday calories, and I'm getting in my sweet-ass pancake treats. If you want even more factor, they have all sorts of add-on snacks and smoothies. And me and Thomas, if there's one thing about us,

we're white boys and we love smoothies. We love snacks and smoothies. We love snacks and smoothies, and especially a midday bite. God damn, dude, I don't know what I would do without a midday bite. Sometimes, if I don't get my midday bite, I go completely insane, and everyone has to call state and local police. So you'll always be prepared, no matter what life throws at you. No matter what life throws at you.

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This convenience is killer. This convenience is going to get you fed and get you right. Thank you. Thank you, Factor Meals. factor meals difficult for me to tell um i guess my question is you know like what everybody's got trauma you know everybody's got things i don't want to pry look if it's your first session you don't want to talk about it like that's okay but you say you know you obviously you're a go-getter like you're a busy guy like you get after it but you know what are the things that make it hard for you

to get up in the morning? You know what I mean? Like, it's just the things act hard, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, so I sleep with a bunch of gold bricks on my chest, and when I wake up, it's hard to sit up. And then I lick the money, and then I get to work. Okay, so your tasks are typically what hold you back.

Yeah, I would say my money does hold me back in some ways because I've got to carry around suitcases with it, and it makes my arms tired. Okay. Okay. So do you think that the money could be like your obsession with money, things that you can control? Are they like – is that a manifestation of anything that you think is deep?

No, I would say there is a fear. Like one time I kept forgetting to check my account balance, and then I finally got around to looking, and it was over $100 billion. And it just scared me knowing that I could get that much money Without even realizing That's awesome If that's the money I know about What other money am I getting to That I've forgotten about

Yeah It's just It's gonna hit my Just direct deposit's gonna hit A hundred more Because A million dollars Yeah yeah

I'm the type of dude That can turn a hundred million dollars Into a hundred and eight million dollars yeah yeah i'm the type of dude that could turn 100 million dollars into 108 million dollars overnight yeah yeah i mean yeah that's crazy yeah i mean i'm look it's always it's always a pleasure to be around somebody so money-minded you know yeah because people who are successful typically you know they have um you know. Yeah. Because people who are successful, typically, you know, they have, you know, these very intense drives. They come from somewhere, you know. What type of values do you think were instilled in you by your parents? A lot of, like, dollar values, a lot of money, a lot of checks and income.

Okay. I would say they gave me a lot of reasons to stay motivated because they taught me what a dollar was. Your parents taught you what a dollar was? And I taught them how many there are because I've gotten most of them by now. Oh, okay. And they always motivated because they were so broke. We used to drink water every night.

We used to eat. We'd get so broke we'd roast some potatoes some nights oh we'd have sandwiches for lunch sometimes i'd wake up ask what's for breakfast eggs biscuits gravy sausage bacon um orange juice we got fried ham we got fried green tomatoes we got strawberry jam raspberry jam, orange marmalade we got white toast we got wheat toast we got pumpernickel bread

if you want a little we got a little horseradish aioli and we could put you could do a little prosciutto that we cured recently If you want we have egg sandwiches Deviled eggs We have these little lady finger

Things We have tiramisu I just made Some crepes With fresh blueberries and raspberries From our voluptuous garden We have luxury pickles, which are made out of...

They're expensive. And many other delicious foods, and I'd say, fuck you, Mom, I'm going to the bank. Right. You ever have a moment like that? No, you know, being a therapist is not really that lucrative of a position. I bet. I heard. But, you know, being a therapist is not really that lucrative of a position. I bet. I heard.

But, you know, I guess I want to get to the point, you know, why we're here today, why I think we're here. You, look, I typically don't try to acknowledge or bring attention to things like this. But you seem, you really seem like you're avoiding this. And so maybe it'll be good for us as, you know, client and patient to address this issue and perhaps why you're here today. You are covered head to toe in some old, some new, to toe in some old, some new, some still bleeding scars, cuts, deep ones. And I feel like that should have been the first thing that you brought up when you came in here.

But you have a lot of wounds, physical wounds. And I just thought maybe we could get to the point, if you do self-harm, you know. I understand you're a money-getting guy and you get to the dollars. But you also clearly harm yourself. And so that's why I kind of, for me personally, it's important that we discuss that. Well, I mean, look. My name is Money Delicious For a reason And I understand

I have a lot of open wounds Okay I have a lot of scars I have a lot of cuts You can't see I have body parts missing I don't have butt cheeks It's flat back there

It goes straight from Right It goes I got it goes. I got six. I got four feet of back. Here's something you don't know. Every piece of wound is a piece of money in God's

eyes. And every time I go to the bank, I cut myself in front of them. And I should say blood is money. I take that blood. I fucking throw it in the parking lot it's my lamb i am my own my skin is my sacrificial lamb and i sacrifice it to sacrifice it to the money god every day i go to sleep i wake up my i'm covered in blood and every time I take a shower I scream

you know but Warren Buffet did you know that Warren Buffet has been shooting up in the same McDonald's bathroom for 50 years I think I think you're thinking of the old story about his car. He had the same old car.

Warren Buffet. You ever heard of him? No, I've never heard of Warren Buffet. I have not. If that is a friend of yours, we don't need to discuss the criminal nature. He started the first hamburger index. Warren Buffet. He started the first hamburger.

Yeah. He was the first guy to invest in hamburgers. He just bought a bunch and just waited until they appreciated their value. Yeah, he was a genius. And then sold them. Every time somebody sells a hamburger, he makes a dollar. So he just bought a bunch and just waited until they appreciated it. Yeah, it was genius. And then sold them. Yeah. Every time somebody sells a hamburger, he makes a dollar. I feel like maybe you and me have a lot to discuss because aside from the wounds, you're telling me now.

Well, just our entire conversation that, know a man named warren buffet who invented the first hamburger index and made his fortune sell hamburgers and now every time somebody sells or buys one he gets a dollar and also that you're that you know you wake up every day covered in blood uh that you taught your parents how to get to the money, that you just everything about what you have to say about your money getting schemes. I feel like maybe that you are being dishonest with me. You're a therapist. Look, maybe you have a profound sickness of the soul.

And in order to avoid me passing judgment upon you as a clinician of the state deemed eligible to assassinate you with fucking ninja moves, if I find out that you as a clinician of the state deemed eligible to assassinate you with fucking ninja moves if i find out that you're a crazy wacky ass motherfucker who'd be getting to that cheese sauce and not a normal ass son of a bitch that i can't kill you and you know that and if you think that i won't because if i get down to the bottom of it i find out that you're a wacky little bug and you're fucking crazy as shit it's my job as therapist assassin of the beautiful state of the United Confederates of America that I will fucking kill you with a big ass rubber mallet. Well, I think you're lying.

I don't think you get to any money. I think you're a broke ass pussy bitch who has crazy ass dreams of being a psycho money getting motherfucker. Well, let me tell you something you white motherfucker i've got an angel on my left shoulder named lick i got a devil on my right shoulder named suck and they're both coming for your podcast tonight i'm gonna rip your fucking head off i'm gonna eat your fucking blood i'm gonna I'm gonna make worms Look like fucking snakes Compared to what I'm gonna do To the inside of your stomach

Listen I'm gonna be a I'm gonna be a tapeworm In your fucking In your stomach I'm gonna be like If a tapeworm could be in a stomach In 2046

Listen I understand you're upset In 2046 The America Created The new Class In 2046 Listen I understand You're upset In 2046 The America Created The new Class Of therapists

And executioners And judges And cops Called therapy assassins And As By order Decree of the court

I exist To determine Whether or not You Are actually Getting paper And getting money And getting your dick sucked

Or if you're just One of those crazy-ass, fucking fake-ass, wacky-ass motherfuckers who don't get to the paper and who don't get their shit sucked fucking raw like a thug. So, basically, I think that you're full of it. And you, being my patient and potentially my victim, need to prove to me that you actually be getting to the money and that you're not a fraud, a crazy fraud, a crazy frog, fraud man, who I'm going to hurt if I find out you're lying to me.

I'm going to make Louis Farrakhan look like Barney compared to what I'm going to do to you. I'm going to make the movie American Sniper on your ass a million times. I'm going to go American Psycho on you. You ever see Patrick Bateman, the way that he was having sex with that girl? That's what I'm going to fucking do to you. And then I'm going to fucking make you listen to Huey P. Newton. I think that's the guy in the movie.

Huey Lewis. And then I'm going to fucking smash your head in with an axe. I'm going to let my fist run a train on your ass. By hitting you. I'm going to fucking... You ever see the book of Eli? I'm going to fucking shove a phone book up your ass, bud. You're talking to the backshot maestro.

I'm going to make you look like salt and pepper. You're talking to the fucking rope king. I shoot shit long as a goddamn tanker fuel line. 65 miles long. It takes fucking 16 hazmat guys to clean it up. The army has to get involved when I bust ropes. And I'm going to fucking shoot one at you. Bitch.

I'm going to kick you in the asshole so hard you start sneezing. I'm going to turn you inside out. Like a hot pocket. I'm going to play laser tag with you. And I'm going to use a fucking stinger missile. I'm going to shoot your shit so fucking bad. You're going to have a big hole in you like Looney Tunes Tom from Tom and Jerry

from the cartoon cat. I'm going to blow up the first girl you jacked off to. I think she is dead. But you could go back. She is now. I'm going to fuck it. it Listen this has been A wonderful therapy session I've learned so much about you

She heard you jacked off to her And she put C4 in her pussy And did a cannonball I'm gonna fuck You ate the pussy so bad She put on a bomb vest And sat in her house Blew her own house up She named no political projects No moral You ate the pussy so bad, she put on a bomb vest and sat in her house.

Blew her own house up. She didn't have no political projects, no moral endeavors. She just put on a bomb vest and put on fucking an I Love Lucy and blew her own fucking house up and killed all her plants and her cats. Fucking, Allahu, he ate my pussy like shit bar and blew herself up. I'm going to find your favorite teacher from elementary school and I'm going to trick her into drinking colloidal silver over the course of a few years, and she's going to start having health issues. I'm going to teach the fucking Macarena to the first girl that jacked you off at church camp,

and I'm going to teach it to her, and she's going to do it right. She typically didn't do it the right way when she was at church camp. I'm going to put your dog on Accutane. I'm going to put your cat on fucking Obilify and Welbutrin, and he's fucking going to stop chasing the mice around. He won't be depressed, but he also won't have much emotions at all, really, but it's his choosing. You know, emotions are wanting to kill him.

I'm going to get all your cousins Invisalign, but not you. I'm going to get Invisalign for your balls, so when you pull your dick out to piss and you look at your balls, it looks like two beautiful sets of pearly white teeth. Yeah, you need invisalized for your balls because there's invisible. So you need a line around them so you can see them. Mm-hmm. I'm going to get braces for your dick because it's all bent up because you let guys pull. You got guys from the Navy pull on it all the time like an old piece of rope.

Yeah, you want to straighten my dick out so you can put it in your mouth, you crazy hoe. No, I don't want to straighten it out for me. I want to straighten it out so you fucking have to look at it all the time because that way you have to fucking look at it more. Yeah, I'm going to look at it all the time. I'm going to look down and say, get off me, Jake. Stop it. I'm trying to sleep.

Yeah, I'm having to, oh man, I'm having to get some braces. Oh, yeah, you got to kick kids to get braces. No, no, no. I got to spend like eight grand straightening my buddy's dick out so I can suck it. I got to get asshole braces because my shit collapsed because I tried to put a candle in there. I tried to put a whole garden tomato in my butt. Yeah, I got a butthole brace that keeps my shit spread all day. Every time I sit down, I go...

Yeah, I got like a fucking... I got one of the O-rings from the Challenger rocket ship in my butt at all times to keep my shit fucking squared away. Yeah, I sit down on a metal chair. That shit is cold. Yeah, you ever blow into a beer bottle when you're done with it and it goes... Every time I sit down, that's the sound my butt makes. Yeah, I let my roommates play croquet and my butt is the last hole. Yeah I let my roommates Play croquet

My butt is the last hole My roommate plays my butt Like a jug Like a cowboy At a fire pit Anyway Thank you for coming to State sponsored

Therapy Assassin Counseling No problem I hate you I hate you Get me out of here I'm just kidding We deemed it You're a real money getting

Motherfucker I think Honestly man I hope that we get past I hate you. Get me out of here. I'm just kidding. We're doing it. You're a real money-getting motherfucker. I think, honestly, man, I hope that we get past this place as a culture and as a society where we feel like everybody needs therapy. Yeah. All this therapy. Therapy's good. Freaking, you know, diversity. All these things, Jake, that you're against.

I understand where you come from. I think, honestly, man know you know me i'm not a good guy right you're pretty kind of like a lowdown twisted bastard yeah i'm a real fucking diabolical you're a menace piece of shit he's a menace i don't like i don't like therapy i don't want people to figure out what's wrong with them and fix it. I don't like diversity. I like I want I don't want there to be too many different types of white guys. It feels like there should be three. You know what I mean?

Like you should men shouldn't have different types of guys that they are. There should be like three different types of white guys. You're allowed to be you're allowed to be like football dad. You know what I mean? You're allowed to be like jazz white guy. They've been around a long time. Then you're allowed to be a white guy computer guy. No more of this like, oh, I'm fucking, I'm into World War II or whatever.

Take that shit out of town. I don't want to see it anymore. What are you looking at on your phone? I was looking. I was folding this into a triangle. Yeah, Jake hates triangles because he can't do excellent math like me. Jake, look. Like it or not, in a few years, everybody in commercial is going to look like me.

Because it's going to be me in every commercial. Hey, my name's Thomas, and I am presenting to you the Apple iPhone. What's the next one? 16? 15? Sure.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking 500. Yeah. I think I could do a lot for corporate companies because I've got such a... I think... You look trustworthy. Everybody I know says, man, my first impression of Thomas was that he was... I could trust him.

I have such a kind, caring voice. You have a visage that a mother could massage. You know what I mean? That guy looks like he's the least likely guy in a room to be a pedophile or steal money from his family. I like the cut of that guy's jib. He looks like the guy who'd be least likely to cut my daughter up into pieces and bury her under limestone.

I would probably never cut somebody's daughter up into pieces. Probably. I could never see myself engaging in something like that. I mean, life is long. I just don't. You know what I mean? I'm kind of lazy. Yeah, I'm lazy.

I'm going to kill somebody. I'm probably going to do it with my car on accident, looking at my phone. Yeah. You know, which is not ideal. You shouldn't do that. But I'm saying,

if it turns out I killed somebody, probably I like... Probably like a gas leak or something that I indirectly caused. Or it could be from my sick-ass sniper skills. I've been sniping people lately in real life. But that's a hobby you can only really have in video games, I feel like, is getting to be a really good sniper. No, you can have, no, that's false, man. You could go...

You want to... You think being a sniper is only a video game hobby? Listen, man. If you want to kill people with big-ass, badass guns, I've got some news for you. And it's our newest sponsor, the American fucking military, baby. They're made up. They're fake news nowadays. Dude, you want to fucking kill motherfuckers and make $45,000 a year doing it?

Shit, boy. I've got a fucking job for you. It's called being in the fucking American Army, Marines, Navy, or Air Force. Or Coast Guard, baby. Or National Guard. Listen, you want to fucking get turned into a fucking monster by the state by the time you're fucking 22? You want to be a fucking absolute alcoholic, bad knees, crazy psycho? Join the military.

You can make up to $58,000. It's so funny that my friends that work their way up or whatever, they're like, yeah, I made it to captain. This is another thing I thought when I was a kid that a captain of the army made like $1 million. A captain of the army makes like $65,000.

$60,000. That's okay. You know, I used to be a mercenary and I always thought I'd hate doing it. But the truth is, I loved it. Jake loved every minute. I used to be.

They would call me the. They would call me the. They call you the. They call you the dick sucker. They would call me the dick sucker because they would say, if that guy keeps being so awesome, if that guy does one more awesome thing, I'll suck a dick. And then I would do something awesome. And then, because of the bed situation,

I would actually have to accept a blowjob from a guy, which I did not like. I thought, this I did not like. Yeah. I thought, this is a horrible game. You know, DevGru and, like, Operator guys, you know, Delta Force, DevGru, Green Berets and stuff, CIA SAG guys. They all get cool, badass nicknames Like Joker and fucking You know clown And uh And fucking the robot

You know like cool Yeah Cool special operator The Chrysler The Chrysler yeah like You know uh Fiat 500 Like you know they get cool

Like fucking Bullseye Chris Chris Kyle That's a nickname American Sniper Yeah you get to be the Like, you know, they get cool at, like, fucking Bullseye. Chris Kyle. Chris Kyle. That's a nickname. American Sniper. Yeah, you get to be the, yeah, fucking Blade. Laser.

The Toker. Coldplay. The Toker is a great one. Yeah, you get that if you fucking, If you kill a bunch of Fucking ISIS guys And then Over their dead bodies You fucking Rip a fat ass doobie joint

And you flick the fucking Burning shit in their eye And you say Sorry Yeah I'm I'm walking through the village Of Of Afghan children

That I killed And I say And I'm And I got the song playing Some people call me The space cowboy Yeah yeah yeah people call me the space cowboy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some call me the master of the... Some call me the killer of children. Some call me the war criminal. Some people call me Satan. Satan. Because I kill kids with my big gun. Because I'm a shooter. I'm a looter.

I kill children from my computer. I do it with my big ass drone. I'm a sinner. I'm a stabber. I'm a kid kidnapper. Get my money from the government. That's what you sing to them when you're walking down the highway of death.

You know, you get to be, you can be fucking Jungle Jim. You can be fucking Mandingo. You can be... Dude, who the fuck is called Mandingo? I don't know, man. Who gives a shit? Yeah, my Delta Force name was pretty cool.

It called me Slave. That's what I did not really like. I felt like it was... I wasn't quite sure why. Both. You know, all the other guys, they had fucking... Tiger. They had Tex. They had texts, you know, that they had fucking.

They had beasts. I mean, some of my guys were just. Kobe, you know. They had Cobra, you know. And then me, I was just sex slave. Sex slave. Hole. Yeah.

I thought Hole was a bad nickname. Yeah. You know, man, one guy was just called Sheriff, you know, because he didn't take no shit. And he's not from the Iraqi Army, not from the Afghani police, nothing, man. Even the people we worked with out there, he just. And then one guy, I mean, he was just. One guy, they call him fucking. They call him Gambler because he just.

But me, I was just fucking. I was fuckhole. I don't know how they. Well, how'd you get that nickname man i can see gambler you know like he takes risks you know he kind of colors outside the lines of you know sniper i get it you know laser accurate but how did you in special forces get the nickname fuck hole you got to have a story for that yeah i they used to call me the mummy because while I was asleep, everybody would wrap me in toilet paper and fuck me. You wake up and you're just getting cummed on.

No, they're sealing the chamber again. Stop it. No, stop it. Yeah, you know, your uncle was rooster. Your other uncle, he was Rambo. He wore a bandana on the battlefield. And me, I was, they called me Fleshtube. Your old daddy, your daddy.

Fleshtube? Why Fleshtube, daddy? Yeah, well, because so obviously your uncle Rooster, you know, he's quick, and he's always up in the morning talking his shit. You know, he's fast, too. They could never catch him. He'd be out there, you know.

He'd do his run and gun, and he'd kick doors in, and Daesh couldn't catch him, you know. And then Rambo, like I said, you know, my brother, your uncle, your other uncle, he had the bandana on. And he didn't ask no questions. He just kicked doors in, just set charges, take names, man.

We didn't answer nobody. I got named Flesh Tube because I had a soft body. Your dad had a soft body that was desirable by many mountain men and shepherds in and around Bagram Air Base and Kandahar and Fallujah. And I wasn't too good at running or killing, but I was very, very good at being

sort of a comfort tool for many of the men on base, be them our enemies or our friends. Oh, that's cool, Daddy. And listen, your granddaddy, your granddaddy, he, listen, we come from a long line. Your granddaddy in the Korean War was called, they called him, the Koreans called him which in Korean means soft sock.

Oh, did he wear soft socks? He didn't. He actually had to wear a lot of rubber for what they had him doing in the Korean War. Because of how big his socks were? Yeah. Well, they kind of turned him into sort of like a cylinder. Oh, like a missile?

Yeah. Well, in a way, yeah, I love missile, basically. Basically, what I'm saying is it's important that you understand, son, that every man in our family is served. Oh. Honorably. And you're 17 now. And so with that voice and you're built for being a military man.

You're just like your father and your granddaddy. You're 4'6". You've got wide being a military man. You're just like your father and your granddaddy. You're 4'6". You've got wide hips. Big booty. You've got a huge, huge ass. You've got practically no hair on your body, which as a man, that's how you know that you come from good stock. You have what seems to be Developing breast tissue

Yeah my pecs Yeah your pecs My areolas They're so sensitive I know they're puffy and pink They taste so good Yeah I know And my strong little painted

white toes. You know, and that comes from you get that from your daddy. I came out the womb with French tips, you know, and I came out the womb fucking just with beautiful feathered hair. They said that they had never seen a half a pound baby boy

before with French tips and feathered Farrah Fawcett hair. Doctor told me they hadn never seen a half a pound baby boy before with French tips and feathered Farrah Fawcett hair. Doctor told me that. They hadn't seen you yet, Pa. I know. That's right, son. That's right. They said, Grandma said whenever you were born, your feet were so cute the doctor started sucking on them.

Yeah, the doctor at the army base started sucking the shit out of my toes. And he ate the umbilical cord too. The nurse had to pull me away because he just could not stop smacking my little butt. He was playing bongos on it. Yeah, I heard they used to eat your diapers. Yeah, well, it wasn't the doctor's choice.

It was one of the nurses. They said, wow, it wasn't the doctor's choice. It was one of the nurses. They said, wow, it smells so good. I heard that this boy is going to be flesh tube one day. And he is so pretty that I can't wait to eat his diaper. That's what the nurse said. So, boy. Oh, yeah. I hope you understand.

I hope you understand that once you turn 18, I'm going to take you up to the Army Recruiting Center or the Marines or whichever you choose, and you're going to choose the path of your life. You know, you're going to choose which way you want to go. Do you want to be in an airplane? Do you want to be on a boat? Do you want to you want to go. Do you want to be in an airplane?

Do you want to be on a boat? Do you want to be in a desert? Do you want to be in a spaceship? I want to be underground. Oh, you want to serve in a, yeah, you want to be sort of like a mole. Yeah, I kind of want it to be maybe a root. You want to be a root? You want to be like a sort of a tuber vegetable?

Yeah, maybe a potato task force. You want to be a type of shrub? Yeah. Or I thought maybe I could be a satellite. You want to be a satellite? You want to orbit the Earth at 18,000 miles an hour? That's fine. I think I'll probably... They'll call me the satellite

that you can fuck. Yeah. Yeah. The ISS interdimensional sperm sucker. Yeah, I guess when they got the Space Force now, that's good for you.

You know, you can carry on in the new branch of the military. Yeah. Man, I fucking... I want it to be... I don't know. How are you feeling? Let me tell you. I'm fucking...

How are you feeling, Jake? I don't know. That was my impression of... That was my impression of a guy who talks like that. Did you like it? Yeah, I like that. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, you guys like impressions?

Here's a guy I know. Here's a guy I know personally. I eat fucking tires for a living. Yeah, I'm a crazy. Oh, living. I'm crazy. Oh, hello. I'm a British pencil. I'm a pencil. Hello.

Hi. Does that feel good in your cans? Hi. It kind of shorts out a little bit. It's like putting a fork in the microwave for half a second. It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't help. Little Lovina Luca, she will sun, sun, sun. Man, my whole life has led up to this moment.

Texting the Apple iPhone. Playing Fruit Ninja. Texting the Apple iPhone. Playing Fruit Ninja. Texting the Apple iPhone. Browsing the App Store. Looking for Fortnite Minecraft. You got the kind of iPhone that I'll text it to. Yeah, give me your app. Make it ding.

That's my iPhone. That's Rob Thomas. His song with Santana. Smooth iPhone. This is the Beatles if they were millennials. Okay. iPhone. Let's play some games.

Take a text and Send it to Fortnite Play Fortnite And Minecraft's Ghibbity Toilet On the App Store We'll take a Selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie, selfie. Ah!

iPhone is on the iPad. On the iPod. There we go, buddy. App Store. You like that? There you go. Yeah, yeah. That's the one that's like, phone, I need to call somebody, phone.

I need to text somebody, phone. I need to download app, phone. When I was texting, so much texting today, that one. Yeah, yeah. Or instead of let it be Texted phone Texted phone Texted phone Download app

Download app Download app Charge my phone Check email Check email Download app. Download app. Download app. Charge my phone. Check email. Yeah, check email. Uber Eats. Favor 2.

Eating food. Oh, how about this one? Looking at the app called Facebook Marketplace. Seeing if I can buy a new phone. There is a new phone on Facebook Marketplace. I will use ID Face on my iPhone. I'm not too big of a fan of that one.

Alright, well, we'll keep... I don't like that one. Thomas, listen. Thomas, this. Back to the writer's room. Thomas. Thomas, this is serious. This is serious, okay? We can't just fucking not make a good show. Right, right.

So let's think of something serious. Yeah, let's think of something serious. You go next, because I just fucked up bad. Yeah, I was thinking fucking, you know, who let my phone charge? What do you think of that one? I like that a lot. Thanks, man. Oh.

And that's called Who Let the Phone Charge by the Genius Store. Yeah, I like that. How about instead of Ice Baby? Uh-huh. I-I-iPhone. I'm charging my iPhone. The little

ding-ding is the text notification. Oh, perfect. I-i-iPhone. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Boop-doop-doop-boop. Oh, perfect. I, I, iPhone. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Boop, boop, boop. There we go. I'm texting my, my iPhone. My iPhone, yeah.

Or iPad, iPhone. iPod, Mac, iPhone 11. iPod, iPhone. I, Mac, MacBook, Apple 11. Like the beat. Like the guitar riff iMac iPhone

iPhone PC MacBook Google Chromebook iPhone technology it's a complete nightmare I like iPhones and iPod.

I buy. These other phones, I will try. What do you think about that? Instead of... If it's your phone, then it's mine. What? Apple. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's for Juicy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was all a text. I used to read all of them on my phone. I love it when you call me on my phone. Phone. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. What do we got? When I die, fuck it, I want to use my phone Because I'm a good guy who calls my friends on his phone Don't make sense shooting texts to Not my friends, because there's my phone And they're in there

iPhone, iPhone, iPhone, can't you text? Sometimes your calls just do not reach me There's my phone. And they're in there. iPhone, iPhone, iPhone. Can't you text? Sometimes your calls just do not reach me. With your email and your fax. Guess it's whether. Guess it's whether. iPhone. And you are Mac.

You California love. California phone. Using phone out of jail and I'm texting my friend. Using my phone to make calls and they're my best friends. First off, fuck your phone and the text you send Fuck yeah, hell yeah First off, fuck First off, fuck Android And text it's green

Yeah, we need more Android-ness And that's why I text your phone, you green motherfucker Yeah, we need more Android Diss. And that's why I texted your phone, you green motherfucker. Yeah, there we go. I wish you would not send that green text, my friend. Text, my friend. We could use iMessage like all the cool kids in school. And if you send me another green text, you should change your plan. Yeah, there we go.

Change your phone plan. Let's see what else we got here fucking green I see a green text and I want it to turn blue I see those texts

go by and they're green and they're not blue It brings a tear to my eye When I text you I see a green text And I want it to be blue I see your Samsung And I Wish it was iPhone

I see your Google Pixel Wish it was iPhone. I see your Google Pixel. Wish it was iPhone. You can't always text on your phone. But if you try sometimes, you might find your text is green that's what i message doesn't work you know and you have to use the right right you know what i'm saying perfect stuff it's it's perfect you nailed it flawless jake jake it's flawless you're not listening need we elaborate more literally you don't have to explain it, Jake. It's so good. What you're doing is so awesome.

You're so good at it, dude. Your whole life has led up to fucking, I wish you would not send that green text, my friend. Remember when you wanted to be a fucking, remember what you wanted to do when you were a boy? And then now you're doing it, you know? Everything. You know, you have big plans hey hey blue phone oh yeah texting phone do do do do do. Let's see. Yeah, that's that's pretty close. I think that's about all

we got for that. Yeah. Listen, I don't want to do this anymore. I think. Thank you guys for listening. If you are listening to this, it means you

are listening to a free episode, which means if you're not subscribed, if you are subscribed. Well, thank you. If you're not, head over to are subscribed well thank you if you're not head over to patreon.com slash pendejo time for some more goodies five dollars a month gets you discord access and uh also an extra episode every week um ten dollars a month gets you all that plus an extra video episode every month um and we're looking into getting a new camera

pretty soon so the quality on those is about to go up um also check us out on youtube instagram twitter uh we're easy to find tiktok um which i post on probably about once a month right now because i keep accidentally getting shadow banned on there because I forget to censor our clips. And that's okay. But anyway, thank you guys for listening. Thank you, Jake, for doing the podcast with me. Yeah, thank you, man.

This is awesome. I genuinely love my life. I wish my van wasn't in the shop, but sometimes just spend a bunch of money on something that doesn't work. It's okay. They'll get it back up and running. You know, they'll put a fucking dead body in it and send me to jail for the rest of my life.

It's okay. All right, Pecker Woods. Fucking. See you guys next week. Bye. That sucked. That fucking sucked bad. If you're still listening,

you want to hear it again? Bye!