Pendejo Time - Thomas Hosts the Oscars

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

He really could do it I was kinda blown away. Support the Show.

I know you want to pee pee, but I refuse to let you go. That's a song about how we're on a road trip together, me and you, we're going to some place cool like maybe Utah or Wyoming. Yeah, or Nicaragua. Nicaragua, and you have to pee, and we're in a car together and we're having a splendid time together and you have to pee really bad, but I won't let you. And you're like, Jake, I really need to stop stop i need to stop when i need to go pee and i'm like i know you gotta pee pee and you're like this isn't funny anymore i have to pee and i say i don't care about you or our friendship i don't really care about like your health or whatever i hope you get a bladder infection and you get really mad at me but you understand that i'm just joking you know what i

mean that's so rude that really severs our relationship. And by sever, I mean that damages it slightly. Yeah, it doesn't really. Yeah, that's not really going to. I'm probably going to sever my penis later just so I hurt it a little bit. I mean, yeah, I was. Sorry, I was late.

I was severing my penis earlier. I was just trying to do a little bit of nerve damage to it. But I got kind of carried away, and I just have a total non-buy piece of skin. But that's just kind of where I'm at in my life. It depends on the severity of it, but I barely even severed it. What are your hobbies? What do you have a What are your hobbies You know what do you like to do I'm really into

Knitting and I'm into slightly Slightly severing my penis Just kind of Maybe just A quarter of the way through it Man y'all Y'all play with the pussy

I sever it I give my girl severance package You feel me? She get a female circumcision when I'm done with her. You're on, like, Love Island. It's, like, all these, like, jacked. Like, my name's Tyler. I work in tech sales.

I take good care of my body. My name's Jim. I work construction. And I'm strong. And I want a woman that I can care and provide for Hey my name's Elliot And whenever I'm done With a pussy

It's like She got a female circumcision Elliot no We can't Elliot come on We told you Just say something about What you do for a living

And how you like to treat women Okay Alright we're gonna run it again Okay you ready Okay go My name is Jamequel And I enjoy sun tanning and tanning in the sun. Awesome.

That's very nice. That's very good. So your name is Jameekwool? Yeah. You like sun tanning? Yeah, my first name is Jameekwool, Suntanning? Yeah, my first name is Jameek Woot.

And the ladies say my middle name must be suntanning by how much tan in the sun I get when I suntan in the sun. So all of that stuff about mutilating and being and severing your penis was that? I thought that was that other guy. I thought I was going to do this voice, and then I thought you were in charge of the other voice, the self-mutilation guy. So then I became what appears to be a black man who's obsessed with suntanning.

All right, that's fine. Yeah, I'm the host. I don't even know if that's a racist thing to say. And I said Jamequel just because I couldn't think of a name. That's okay. Jamequel just because I couldn't think of a name. That's okay. Jamequel's a beautiful name. A name came out, and I thought, man, that is a pretty name. I don't even know if that's a name, though.

Yeah. I hope somebody's named that. Jamequel. That's French for I'm equal. I'm fucking not the better or the lesser. I'm just an average guy. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Thank you for coming on Love Island. Love Island. And my favorite things to do, I like to eat hash browns while I'm in the tanning bed. Because the tanning bed makes it even crispier while I eat it. That's awesome, Jameek. Well, we've got so many wonderful. It's hard to move around in the tanning bedier while I eat it. That's awesome, Jamequil. We've got so many wonderful... It's hard to move around in the tanning bed, but I do it. That's wonderful, Jamequil. Now, do you like to eat hash browns in the tanning bed because you're trying to carb

low, because you're trying to keep that sick body you got, or is this just like something just for Jamequil's own pleasure? It's just one of the only foods I know how to make in a tanning bed. I tried to make spaghetti and it was too, it spreads out too far when you set it down. You put spaghetti on your chest, now you turn around, you got spaghetti on your back. So hash browns are an easy food to eat while you're trying to get it. You put hash brown on your chest, you turn around, it's still on your chest. It's just flat.

Oh, okay. Very good, Jamequa. Well, I'm so happy that you could come join us on this season of Love Island, Tennessee. We've got a lot of real handsome men here. Who do you think is your biggest competition for the sexiest woman with the most bodacious bosom and body? Which one of the guys do you think you're going to have to try to sneak around to have the most outrageously? I'm not competing with anybody but God this season. I'm very religious.

You're very religious? I'm very religious You're very religious I'm a I'm religious You're a religious black man Named Jamequel Whose son tans in And uh Eats hash browns In the tanning bed

Yeah I guess And I'm uh I'm a I'm a Jainist You're a Jainist Cause you get to be J. You're a Jainist. Because you get to be Jaina. You're a Zionist.

J-A-I-N, right? Yeah, I think it's J-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N- do they wear swastikas they put them on their doors and stuff I don't think they do that I don't think anybody does that if somebody at my apartment did that I'd say hey you gotta take that down please please stop doing that listen listen so I

what if God told you to draw a big swastika on your door would you do it or would you disobey him and live in sin? And then if you lived in sin, he gave you a big booty with a rash on it. Big rash booty. It's always hot because it's infected. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like a hot water bottle you're walking around with. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Like a hot water bottle you're walking around with

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait So my options are to obey God And put a big swastika on my door Or to get a Or if I disobey him I live in sin But I get to have a huge ass that has a rash on it Your curse is a big hot booty It's like physically so warm

And the rest of your body is only warm. It's like you're sitting on a hot water bottle all day. And it hurts because it's got sores on it. Okay. You look like constellations. Okay. And also you live in the White House. It seems like a pretty sick... So if you put a big swastika on your door, everybody's in the White House. It seems like a pretty sick...

So if you put a big swastika on your door, everybody's going to see it. Well, no. Isn't having the White House if I disobey God? So then I get the White House and I don't put the swastika? You live there either way. Oh. Okay, so I'm the president. You're already the president.

I'm the president. You're Kamala Harris right now and you got a big hot booty. Well, no, I don't have it yet. Remember? Because your booty is burning through your pantsuit. I don't have it yet because I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to obey God and put a swastika on the door as a Jainist or whatever the fuck. Yeah. So.

So. No, you enter into this situation already being the president. You're the first Jainus big booty evil president. Who loves swastikas. Yeah. You're the second one after Obama. Okay, gotcha. So, I think maybe I wouldn't put the swastika on my door.

Correct choice. That's a sign. It's a hateful symbol. Yeah. You have rebuked God and in return he will destroy you but you've done the right thing. You have denied

the commands of the Lord and while it is morally correct, your punishment is death. He will incinerate your soul. Dude, honestly, man, if God called upon me to be death he will incinerate your soul yeah this is dude honestly man like if god called upon me to be like you know like a woke white boy who uh who had compassion i probably wouldn't do it i probably would stay based um i'd probably stay based and nationalist

and i would probably stay catholic and I'll probably stay white and Christian and good because if God called upon me to love my fellow man, I don't think I could do that because I've been really working on trying to become more orthodox and based lately, personally. Yeah, what if God told you to become a big booty trader? What if God told you to become a big booty trader? I need you to turn your big back and big booty on this country. God just in the ear of Judas Iscariot.

Just like, hey, look, I know that's my son, but your role in all this is to be a big booty traitor ass motherfucker. I know that you, you know, you want to get into the kingdom of heaven, but basically your job is to betray my son and you get a big ass booty, but you're going to die for it. Jafiel? What if Jesus was looking through the fields as he hung from the cross. He just saw Judas shaking a big naked booty. He's shaking his big booty down the road.

Like twerking like ice spice, just like Calvary on the hill. He's just, L-O-I, L-O-I. He's just, why have you forsaken me? And then he just looks out as the sun's cresting on the hill there. And Judas is just like looking back at him with his shit arched up fucking hot as hell. Just throwing an asshole just, like, glistening at the sun. And he's like, yeah, I betrayed you. And your dad got me this big-ass butt.

But you're going to die now. But lo and behold, Judas was eating crow when Jesus rose three days later with an even fatter ass. You know what I mean? Just thick. Thick thighs, too. And he was like a pog. He had little titties. His toes were painted white.

His toes were painted white. He had A-cup, little-ass titties, but a huge-ass butt. And Judas, he got— Judas was a bottle girl before he met Jesus. Yeah, he was working as a bottle girl in fucking Damascus. Yeah, they met at a club in Houston. And Peter was from Baltimore. Yeah, Peter was from Baltimore.

Oh, my God. Mary was from, where's Mary from? Mary's from san antonio she's fucking she's like 265 one and mean as shit she's just fucking not nice to be around all the pharisees were like hey dude you got this fucking mean ass girl following around she's fat as shit she's being mean to everybody and jesus was like yo he who isn't mean as fuck fucking shut up dude she'll shoot you fucking jesus from the 210 dude she's mean as shit and fat as fuck she's lost toxica dude that had to suck for joseph whenever his friends found out that he hadn't actually gotten pussy before he didn't get pussy from

his like 12 year old wife yeah he's yeah, my virgin wife is giving birth. I'm pretty pissed. And they're like, bro, you said you tapped that. You said you've been tapping that, bro. Yeah. Yeah, dude, Archangel came down and told me, told her that she's going to have a baby, but it's straight up not mine. So, like, damn, bro, I thought you were saying you were fucking that girl.

Yeah, no, I don't. No, she wouldn't give it up to me. She gave it up to, I guess, God, though. It's fine, I guess. What if God did an immaculate abortion? He didn't want to deal with all of it. He, like, knocked Mary up, and he's just like, fuck, I don't want to. I don't really want to like forgive anybody i don't i don't want to experience the pain of being a human being and i don't want

to i don't want to renew any of the old laws or fulfill anything i don't want to do all that so i'm just gonna send a big ass rock down I mean, theologically, it was immaculate conception because he made it happen without knocking her up. You know what I mean? Right. So you're saying... In the story, which I can also do. I've been doing that in my neighborhood.

I've been using my mind to get people pregnant, different couples that I see walking around and I think they're cute I'll take his sperms in my mind and I'll fertilize her eggs And I'll create her become pregnant and I'll cause a baby to come out of her the next day It's very beautiful seeing this happen So that screams as the belly bulges out suddenly. An entire baby forms in her belly within hours. What have you been up to, man?

I've been going around doing Immaculate Conception just in the Fort Worth area. I moved to New York and I started doing that some stuff over there. Just kind of magically spiritually impregnated women. Man, these New York bitches, they ain't know nothing about Immaculate Conception. You get a girl pregnant here, she starts slapping it.

You get a girl pregnant with your mind, and she act like you crazy. In Texas, that's how we do it. That's the only way we do it. We love God down here. We haven't had a back shot in Texas since 1993. It's all we've been doing with our minds. I put the Mac in the Macula Conception. You feel me?

Yeah. And I also put the Peter built. And Peter built a big barn for them to live in. Yeah, I'd be like, girls be like, oh, are you using protection? I'm like, bitch, you're already pregnant.

My name's yahweh bitch oh do you have protection girl i i just showed up you already got a baby in you this is your problem i'm fucking girl you gotta do a slide up on my instagram story of me eating cheerios and you got a baby in your body why the hell you think I've been posting me eating Cheerios every day because I knew you'd swipe up one day and say why the fuck you eat Cheerios

every day. Bitch they get you pregnant with my mind. Yeah. Yeah listen. A lot of motherfuckers I had to get my mind right before I got

that behind right. I like that. I like that. I like that cold medicine turns me into an old black guy. Yeah, you just fucked up on Benadryl at the house. It's funny to think, like, because I never really, like, I guess canonically speaking, you don't really know what happened to Jesus for a long time. There's from birth and then just Gospels or whatever. And I love that there's a statue somewhere in Japan that's etched in stone that Jesus made his way all the way to Japan and studied with monks and stuff

because no one really knows. There's some people who believe that he like traveled to India or something. I'm pretty sure you look. I don't know everything. I don't think he was getting flew out. You know what I mean? Yeah, of course. I don't think he

stepped foot in Japan. He was not. He was like Thomas went to India. Yeah, yeah, yeah., he was, look, Thomas went to India. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ironically. But he was doubting. You know, he had to go prove himself.

He was the one who said, he's not going to spin the block. And then he spun the block. And then he got embarrassed in front of the ops. And he had to go all the way down to India. Much like my good friend Lil Durk, he was cast away. He had to go back to India.

His true love and plant a church there. But Jesus in Japan, what would he even do over there? You know, karate? What the hell is he got? He don't even speak Japanese. They don't give a fuck

about Jesus over there. They're fucking making fireworks and stuff. You know what I mean? They got samurais. Samurais don't need Jesus. They already have discipline. Yeah, they go to temple

for no reason. Nobody knows why they worship anything over there. They were already sitting there. They have discipline naturally. They don't need...'t need look jesus was these people are going to heaven with or without us it's very very true but very very true brother that is god damn you come out here and you spit not only do you spit nuggets you just spit straight fucking whole ass meals of facts japanese people might be the only people guaranteed sin or no sin to just to be to go to heaven.

They go to heaven on accident. Yeah. They straight up denounce the word of God. Why people get up to heaven and they're like, finally, I can relax. Yeah. Yeah. Japanese people. Japanese people get up to heaven and they're like, all right, we have to build this kingdom

up. I feel like infrastructure like here the Puritans had to go through all this like religious persecution to realize that they need to work themselves forever to enter the kingdom of heaven Japanese have been doing that forever it took so much for Americans for for for European white Europeans to realize that manifest destinyest Destiny is working all the time and killing a whole bunch of innocent people. The Japanese have been doing that literally forever. That's basically their whole thing, is work, piety, and the slaughter of innocent civilians.

So it makes sense that they would automatically get into heaven, if that's kind of what you need you know what i mean like the yeah the you know like the the puritanist church of england like they were like all right god calvin and them were like god is about being uh working and being miserable and then maybe maybe you get into heaven japanese don't need to take that gamble they just work and hate being alive and then they they die and they open their eyes and they're in white heaven you know they're in christian heaven i don't know why god let that loophole slide it seems like a fucking maybe like an oversight on his part but he's god i don't really want to

question him you know what i mean yeah i feel like japanese people can probably graduate from hell if they end up there you know what i mean mean? Yeah, yes, of course. Yeah, 100%. You know, it's like the devil sees them doing their thing for a while, and he's like, you know what? I learned a lot of my torture methods from you guys in the first place. You know? Yeah. I feel like I've got to have a little bit of leeway here.

Mm-hmm. But, yeah. Well, the thing about it is i don't i said the thing about it is like i had anything insightful or like theologically educated to say but i like i i used to get mad i remember when i was a kid i used to get mad because uh the preacher at our church was like a member of our extended member of our family. And he went to seminary and did it all the right way. You know?

And remember I asked his son, I was like, Hey dude, I would learned in youth group that they don't know what that motherfucker was up to for like 30 years. This is, is there like anything I could read? And he was like,

nah, it's a mystery man it's part of the that's part of the you know the faith i'm like dude you're telling me this guy was born and then he just laid in the cut for three decades and then was like i gotta go die i don't i don't like that i have my own problems with religion but but I want to know what Jesus was up to for three decades. Like, you know, what the fuck was he doing? Like, was he partying? You know what I mean?

Like, was he, because people are always like, you know, it's like, oh, he was tempted, but he didn't get any pussy or he didn't drink or anything. Which, like, come on, bro. You're a carpenter. Which, by the way, everybody's always like, oh, Jesus was like a pooresus was like a poor working carpenter back then dude that's a fucking learned trade you're making big ass cheese so you know jesus was about his paper because he was working with wood at a time when motherfuckers did not know how to read so you know he and he's hated by the state listen jesus was a locally hated blue collar worker who knew how to get to his money you know what i'm saying the government fucking hated him and people were like get out of here jesus and the motherfucker knew how to do magic so you're telling me that a that a guy who knew how to do magic hard-working blue

collar man getting ot hours rough callous hands six-pack long hair and and he's about his money that he was not getting he was not having sex with any woman back then? I don't buy it. Not one time? I think he, you know, I think he was just kind of chilling. You think he was just... Well, because back then they didn't have Instagram or anything.

You know what I mean? It's probably easier to be Jesus back then than it is now, you know? Listen, man, I genuinely believe that if I'm wrong and we're all still kind of waiting on the second coming, I'm pretty sure

that if Jesus, like, returned over, like, the Dome of the Rock or something or was, like, floating over Damascus or some part of Pal... wherever the fuck, right? And was just, like, bathed in, like, a purple light and there was, like, Gabriel's horn. And there's just fucking, like, there's light and there's horns and people are, like, standing above him and he's just sitting there

and he's like, hello, I've come to renew the old laws i've come to fucking blah blah dude a fucking langley drone would turn him to red paste like so like dude he would get fucking destroyed by an a10 like there there's no way a vaguely brown guy floating in the sky like above like dude like in the sky like above like dude like just a vaguely olive skin dude with long hair and there's fuck people just a bright white you know english guy just floating that you know yeah just a white you know he's in a he's in an mg he's got dockers on. He's fucking... No. Who knows? I'm pretty sure the U.S. would kill him.

That's what I'm trying to say. I'm pretty sure the U.S. military would, like, would kill God. The Son of God. There's a whole fucking Netflix show about it. They canceled it because it made a bunch of people mad. It was actually one of my favorite canned Netflix shows. If any of you guys have fucking eight hours to burn and you want to watch some of the best, dumbest TV,

like if you love dumb TV, go on Netflix and look up a show called Messiah. It's literally, I think, like eight or ten episodes. I forget. The whole plot of it is Jesus comes back back all right and then the cia hunts jesus for like eight episodes and then they find out that he might not actually be jesus he might just be like an isis terrorist that's a big plot twist i don't want to spoil anything for you guys i already have but basically what happens is um the uh from True Detective, she plays a CIA case officer.

And then a brown dude with long hair plays Jesus. And they show him doing a bunch of miracles. And he's like making winds happen. And he's like floating around the sky. And he speaks all the languages of the world. And people are coming up and he's healing sick people. And then like halfway through the show, the lady is like, damn, I think this might actually be Jesus. And then the CIA keeps trying to kill Jesus.

And then at the end, it's revealed that he's probably Jesus and the CIA fucked the game up. But anyway, I bring it up because I'm like, I think that's real. Like, I think that's what would actually happen is you can't have like a brown super soldier. You know what I mean? Like, you can't have like. Yeah, except for know what I mean? You can't have... Yeah, except for fucking Barack Obama. Am I right, folks? What if Jesus came back and he just straight up hated America?

You know what I mean? If Obama was Jesus, I would be so happy. I think my dad would pass away instantly. I think everybody my dad's ever been friends with would explode. Yeah, my mom would die. Dude, if Obama claimed he was Jesus, we would have, like, militias from him in the South. That's how you know Kanye was that good. Because people got really mad when

kanye said he was jesus but there weren't any militias if obama said that in like 2011 dude it would have been bad um yeah it would have been rough it would have been bad dude the stuff the nra was putting out about him at the time was crazy. It was wild. Did you ever see? They would make his lips bigger in pictures and stuff. I know that you were. Crazy shit.

I was 13, so you were probably like 9, 8 or 9. Yeah. But they were holding protests. This is less than 20 years ago. They were holding protests when he got nominated and they, a lot of what you'd see, I remember clear as day seeing several of them like pictures and stuff. It just said, hang in there Kenyon. And it was a noose. And these people were hanging out outside with their faces. You know what I mean? Like people people I understand people think that we're living through a dangerous right-wing time and to some degree I understand why you would believe that

and I don't necessarily think you're wrong in every instance but when Barack Obama got nominated for the Democratic Party and he was running dude dude it was bad like yeah like fucking um shoe polish shit big red that all that stuff was like fair game man like yeah free free people would be on tv and they'd be like his lips are purple it's like yeah jesus christ dude it was i, I remember fucking Hillary Clinton was like saying, it's like saying about how he's like a Muslim and stuff. I mean, Clinton. And I, dude, you knew it was bad. That clip that I always, dude, it was so goddamn funny.

You know it was bad when that lady goes up to John McCain and she's like, he's a terrorist. He's a Muslim. He's an African. And even John McCain was like like he's just a guy like John McCain it was that long list of things and she said he's a Muslim

he goes he is not a Muslim he is a good man family man yeah yeah yeah he is a rapist he is a pedophile he is a black Muslim he is not a Muslim he is a pedophile. He is a black Muslim. He is not a Muslim.

He is a good man. Yeah, yeah. I wonder how far out we are from a Muslim Republican primary candidate. Probably not far. I don't think it will be right now or anything. Republican primary candidate. Probably not far. I mean, a lot of the... I don't think it'll be, like, you know, like, I don't think it'll be right now or anything, obviously. That's not a very astute observation, but...

No. Like, I could see one in the future. Like, I could see it being, like, almost like their version of DEI or whatever. Yeah, right. Well, they do that with like guys like you know well george santos is an outlier he's just he's just a sociopath but it's a big fat loser big fat gay loser that's all he is but he's awesome it's awesome he stole from people

he uh that uh yeah that addendum that came out that he was doing credit card scams to other senators it was like like i didn't even know about that i just knew about his like donors oh yeah it was donors but there was like something something i remember seeing an article that he was like it wasn't credit card scam it was like people were were donating to him like he was having like he had put up like hey i need money and other people in congress felt bad for him and were like donating to him. And he was just straight scamming them like. His whole thing where he was like, there are two genders like I really think this motherfucker, that motherfucker was the first genuine millennial politician, not AOC, not Pete Buttigieg.

Like George Santos was the first actual young person politician. Just absolutely full of shit. Hopelessly scammy, fucked up, like, mentally, morally gone. Like, and also profoundly gay. You know what I mean? Like, Pete Buttigieg was like, I was in a war and I'm gay. You know what I mean? And AOC is like, I was in a war and I'm gay. You know what I mean? And AOC is like, I think Pete Buttigieg is like an older millennial type.

You know what I mean? Sure. No, but also also had a different like Pete Buttigieg is also like a fucking machine. Yeah. I mean, like he is a political. He was created. He's a he's a he's a political guy. Like he always wanted to be in

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About something a little bit more serious Now That we've Completed We're no longer in the ad read little bit more serious now. Sure, yeah, yeah. That we've completed. We're no longer in the ad read. We're no longer in the ad read. We're not yet. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you hear about what Obama is planning now? Yeah, he's... He's planning to reunite the country. All we have to do This is an ad read for This is an ad read for further back And this

I know this might sound outdated But we still have to do it Obama is bringing the country back together For his 2012 For the 2012 election This is the most important time in our history. We must re-elect Obama and Vice President Joe Robinette Biden, who you probably haven't heard of.

Once we get them back into the White House, because they're already there, things are going to start looking up. Remember the slogan from 2008? It was hope. And for 2012, you know what it's going to be? What? It's going to be woke instead of hope. Wait, for 2012? Was it hope or was it change?

It was change. Yes, we can, I think, was the slogan. But change and hope were on all the posters. Change, yeah. And then, yeah, for 2012, it was longer. It was, can a brother get some change? Which I felt like, I don't know, that seemed kind of weird to me. I felt like that's an odd slogan.

Can a brother get some change? That seems odd. You're running to be president. Can a brother get some change? He ran out of money. He spent too much damn money. Oh, my God. He spent it all on them damn drones.

He got all the damn drones and scratchers. And then it went from hope to I hope a brother can get a dollar. It went from I hope I can be president. I hope a motherfucker can give me a dollar. And I hope I can be president for four more years. It went from yes, we can to yes, we can get a motherfucker a ride to the store cause hey the GM went from yes we can to yes we need

some change in our can from yes we can to yes we really need help right now things are not looking good and I need change in my can I hope I can get some thank you so much i'm brocco yeah and on on thanksgiving and we're from yes we can yes please sweet hams yes sweet hams yeah yeah it went from yes we can to fresh fresh fresh, fresh. It went from yes, we can to to to fresh sweet hams.

And that's what it's called now. It went from yes. It went no, Dolly. Fucking God damn it, Dolly. You fucking up fucking up my bits. It went from yes, we can on Christmas to yes, it's Christmas, we can have gifts too, and we can get under the mistletoe, and we can ride on Santa's sleigh. And I'm Barack Obama, and it's 2012. Yeah, and whenever Michelle does it, it's fresh-squeezed glands.

Why? Because she's a prostate doctor How about that? Because she's smart as hell She's a lunch genius She told me Yes we can get the food to taste awesome That's awesome

She was like I'm the first lady Y'all remember school lunch? That shit was crazy We gotta get rid of all the popcorn at school It's awesome. She was like, I'm the first lady. Y'all remember school lunch? That shit was crazy. We got to get rid of all the popcorn at school. Didn't she say the whole thing was like Republicans were like, oh, she said that pizza is healthy or something like that. Like they were saying that she was doing like body positivity food pyramid, which look, if she was, it's crazy that the body positivity stuff is not cool anymore. Or it's like, I think we're in the middle of a transition from, like,

the whole big is beautiful thing to, like, which I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just saying, like, it's crazy to see Kim K on the Ozempic thing because her whole thing was, like, you know, like, doing the thick and curvy thing. And now everybody's on Ozempic, and it's like Coke Chic is back. But look, if it's 2002 again, that means Barack Obama can run again. And we can get more change and more hope. Hope Zimpic. That's where we're at with it.

I hope a brother can get... Hope, hope, hope, hope, dim... vote. Hope dim... Hope dim youngins vote. Hope hope demic yeah there's a whole ass pandemic we're in a pandemic but now we're in the hope demic i hope that we can get kamala harris into the yeah it was from how's dem thick to to always in pick yeah that's yeah that's true dude that's true um i heard that kamala i heard that kami kamala is gonna come up and she's gonna make big booties illegal

yeah i was uh reading uh so um the republicans have project 2025, and she has Project Skinny Tummy Thighs, and it's where they're going to make all the big, beautiful black girls skinny white girls, and they're going to do it through melanin destruction. God, I'd be pissed. I'd fucking kill myself. Dude, if they took all the beautiful queens And turned them into fucking Nicole Richie, dude Oh my god

Oh god Dude I do mass shootings every day in my own house Dude, all the guillots gone, man Um Project Guillot Dude, what if Operation Guillot's gone

What if Kamala Harris changed her last name to The Rizzler? Kamala Rizzler? To be more Kamala Harris changed her last name to the Rizzler? Kamala Rizzler? Kamala the Rizzler. Or, you know what? It would be funny if it was like, this would be funny but a little bit inappropriate. Sure, yeah. If she changed her name to Kamala over the place. Kamala over the place Harris.

To more identify with the youth. know what i mean yeah yeah come all over the place hairless come up she's a squirter she got her wax done yeah i bought kamala hairless and it ain't got nothing on there it's empty on the outside is it hunter Hunter Biden in an interview about his dad leaving? So, Hunter, how do you feel about your father's, A, his health, B, his legacy, and C, what he's leaving Vice President Kamala Harris with? Yeah, what about Kamala hairless and she's fucking bald down there and she squeaks? Yeah.

Yeah. I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought

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I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought

I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought I bought fucking apathetic about my life she's so big i call her ham hocks and chairless chairlift because she can't go up the stairs but stairlift ham hocks and stairlift ham baller caroling bitch i roll up i roll up deli meat i roll up a bunch of oxy and deli meat and i get real careless i call it my handball i start not giving a fuck about nothing. Oh, my God. He's off the handball. Jake relapsed. He's on his handballs. He's taking pills like a dog.

I'm three years handball free. Dude, I go to New York to do another show. We're hanging out in the apartment. You see I'm, like, pale. Like, I'm all sweaty and stuff. Like, I'm real shifty. I'm kind of shaky. And you're like, God damn. Man, damn man Jake's I think Jake relapsed and like yeah I'm walking around the

apartment and you hear the pill bottle shaking and you're like dude god damn man I fucking I gotta have a talk with my bro and then you know I I fucking you open the room to the guest room and I have like a rolled up piece of turkey meat a bunch of oxy in there I'm just like oh yeah no it's of course my vitamins this it's just my medicine for my health i'm just trying to stay healthy you know what i mean i'm just trying to stay good i'm a good boy what if air bud was trying to play handball instead he just ate that sucker what if what if airball what if air What if Air Bud was a black woman running for president? Air Ball is about a dog that sucks ass at basketball.

Yeah. He has zero skill. Absolutely no fucking effort in the paint. I said Air Bud, it's hair, none, and it's Jada Pinkett Smith. Very good. Okay. And remember when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars? Yeah, I remember that.

What if his name was Grill Smith and he slapped a steak on the grill and said Chris Rock was a big ham hock and he slapped it on the grill? This is Thomas' robo-tripping episode. What if instead of Jada Pinkett Smith, it was

hey, the penis thick. That's just what I said to guys at the gym when they had a really nice one. What if it was Al Kata put a pinky in it and then they lift and it lifts me up off the ground by my butt and I go, stop it right now. Quit it.

You terrorist bastards. Al Qaeda put a pinky in it and butted it. Lips. That's pretty good. Up to you whether we keep that or not. We can keep that in the rotation. They should let me host the Oscars.

Just off like Abe Benadryl. Yeah. Hey, I know that they just made, damn, Deadpool and Wolverine, but what if it was Shed's pool of chlorine and I work at the pool store? I'm a pool cleaner, and I got a lot going on right now, but I am about my money, and I work at the pool store. I'm a pool cleaner. I got a lot going on right now, but I am about my money and I am about finding love in the world. Yeah. I would do the craziest roast if I ever hosted the Oscars.

Okay. I would be kind of flippant and irreverent. Okay. I would go up there. Let's try it out. I'm Ellen DeGeneres and I'm at the Oscars and I'm sitting second row with my wife Portia whatever the fuck

and you see me, I see you and you're saying all the stars are here and you're starting that old classic monologue. All the stars are here, Ellen DeGeneres, what's your off-the-cuff whipped-up roast? For Ellen DeGeneres? Yeah, I'm sitting right here.

I'm here with my wife, Portia, whatever the fuck. Yeah. Oh, hey, Ellen. It's good to see you and your wife, Portia. it's good to see you and your wife Portia on this special night that we know as the Oscars this is a time

honored tradition going back to the 20th century and the art of movies has been known for a long time to be making motion pictures for people to watch and tonight we honor these nominees and the winners on this fantastic night. Only once a year.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Oscars. And yeah, who's Oscar? The Grouch? You guys ever watch Sesame Street? If so, you'll get that one. Ellen DeGeneres. You're supposed to roast him. Her roaster. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres, you're supposed to roast him. Her roaster.

Oh, Ellen DeGeneres. Hey, Ellen. Nice hair, you lesbo freak. Where'd you get your blonde wife? The blonde wife store? I

bet so much scissoring goes on At y'all's mansion Yeah I thought it was Michael's Yeah and speaking of Michael's Michael Keaton is here Yeah Michael Keaton

Yeah Birdman Yeah there's already a birdman And he rapes kids We didn't need another one He has sex with young poor black men He has a teardrop for every child's life he ruins Oh I see

You had a teardrop Because another guy won the Oscars Think about all the teardrops that guy has caused Yeah And you were the only gay Batman Michael Keaton you piece of shit You got too sad to play Batman anymore So Brad Pitt's coming on stage

To Brad Pitt And he's going to help you do Best Picture. But you have to roast him because he's coming up to stage and he has the envelope. But you have to get him with a quick roast as he walks up to shake your hand.

I'm Brad Pitt. Hey, I'm Brad Pitt and we're hosting the Oxys together. It's a great night to be a celebrity and a bad night to be Brad celebrity And a bad night to be Brad Pitt's wife and kids He beats them It's good to see you here on stage

And not in an airplane while you're drunk That's what I'd say to him It'd be a little light roasting like that You know Could you imagine people would fucking walk out nobody ever brings that up the fact that the biggest celebrity

he's too untouchable it's like the Jared Leto thing there are imagine just like Ricky G ricky gervais or whatever the fuck just like brad pitt's on his way up the stage yeah mr pitt it's good to see you here and not and not beating and bloodying your wife and children this is like this is low

hum in the audience of just like well brad p Pitt, the only guy to adopt kids from Africa and make their life worse. That's pretty good. That's actually really good. He's a, oh man, that's, that's actually

really good. Yeah, fucking, oh man. Yeah, they're all, I think you're actually really good. Yeah, fucking... Oh, man. Yeah, they're all... I think you're somewhere. You're like, I want to go back to the hut. I wanted to be a child soldier, not a victim of abuse.

Yeah. Getting abused was simple down there. Yeah, I had to just join the army now. People threw mud at me. Yeah, I had to eat dirt. I just ate glue. Now I just get to get my ass whooped in a mansion. It's just kind of...

Yeah, now I'm getting whipped by Versace belts. You know, I do have more opportunities here in terms of financial sort of, but I think I'd rather just have to eat bugs. At least I wasn't. Give it up for Brad Pitt. One of the sexiest guys to ever beat his wife in front of their children. That's not even like a pun or like a tag. It's just straight up.

Give it up for Brad Pitt. I heard for his role in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, that scene where he kills a woman, I heard he had to method act for over 30 years as a serial abuser of every woman he encountered. Yeah, Brad Pitt, he's known for how in shape he got for Fight Club. I don't know if you guys heard about this. I don't know if you know this.

They're doing a Fight Club 2. He's getting in shape. It's called Brad's House. I don't know if you guys heard about this, but back in the day, Mike Tyson once caught Brad Pitt with his wife at the time. And Brad Pitt reported he was scared for his life. And so was Mike Tyson, as Brad was the only man on earth who had beaten more women than him. Brad Pitt is known for his action roles in his rom-coms, but he starred in the film Arturo's,

Terrence Malick's, story and a story of trouble. Tree of Life, yeah. When Brad Pitt got the script, he sent it back to Terrence and said, I'd like to be free of wife because I beat her until she leaves. Yes. Oh, wow.

Here comes... Here comes another guy. Steve Carell, you fat piece of shit. Kill yourself, Steve Carell. I don't think you did anything bad. He's like a nice guy. I'm going to break your fucking knees, Steve Carell. James Franco, 127 Hours, where he played the story of a man whose arm got caught in a boulder.

Yeah, it was originally called 127 Year Olds that he texts. 127 Hours, which is how old Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend is. Let's go. Yeah. Oh, I see. You may know him from Pineapple Express. Or if you've worked with him, you know him for raping you. Oh, my God.

Here comes Seth Rogen, known worldwide as Hollywood's biggest retard. Jared Leto's here. Jared Leto, everybody. Jared Leto was in a band called 30 Seconds to Mars. Jared Leto was in a band called 30 Seconds to Mars. Jared Leto rapes women. 30 Seconds from Mars.

You may also know him as 500 Feet or More from a School. Jared Leto played the Joker, everybody. Great, great, great job. He was in Suicide Squad. More like Jared Petto. Because some of his... Suicide Squad? What is that? Every ex-girlfriend of Jared Leto?

Very good. You're much better at these than I am. Let's see who else is in the audience. Jim Carrey's here. Give it up for his suicided girlfriend. That was his fault. That is so

crazy, dude. That is... It's in the note. Getting any worse at painting, Jim? Jim Carrey's here. He played the mask. He also played Ace Ventura,

pet detective. Detectives are still on the case, Jim. Jim Carrey, you may know him as the guy who should have died around the time that Saddam Hussein did. He played the Grinch. And the Grinch is a green guy. All right, take that, Jim. You fucking cokehead piece of shit. Jim, I'm tired.

Hold me, Jim. Jim, I really miscalculated this dose of Robitussin, Jim. That dids. Oh, boy. Quentin Tarantino is here. You may know him from his fucking head. Look at that thing.

Jesus Christ. Oh. Who, uh... Who else I'm struggling to find for some reason to remember bad to remember Sean Penn is here Sean Penn interviewed El Chapo Maybe he should El Stoppo

Throwing Madonna in a closet Beating the shit out of her and leaving her there for three days Kyle Gass of Tenacious D is here tonight You may be excited to hear That he lost 500 pounds this year by ending his friendship with Jack Black. Very, very good. Very, very good.

Dude, you should go and kill Tony, dude. You should go and kill Tony, man. I should. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy Fallon is here. He's an outcast. Somebody tell him. Somebody notify Jim that he is in the building.

He is here. He's in the bathroom. He's drinking out of the toilet. Sober up and come on out, Jim. Jim, it's okay. You've got the best job on television and you somehow ate your life. Jimmy Kimmel is here. And who gives a shit?

Pete Davidson's in the audience. Pete, everybody, Pete. Meryl Streep is here. Hello. Good to see you, Meryl. Meryl, honestly is here. Hello. Good to see you, Meryl. Meryl, honestly, I'm a big fan of everything you've ever done. Meryl, I think you've done some incredible roles over the years. I don't want to say you're underrated because I feel like you're pretty highly rated, but you know you still. Meryl, you have aged gracefully.

All the movies that you did back in the day I got a boner when I saw you and then even now I kind of get a bit of a weird one when I see you in a movie. Meryl, I really liked you in a series of unfortunate events and I don't know that I've seen you in any other movies. And that's so weird but I'm not sure. I don't know what I've

seen you in other than the Lemony Snicket movie. It also had Jim Carrey in it, but you were wonderful as the lady. You got eaten by leeches in that movie. And, Lord, you could get eaten by my leeches any night. You were absolutely

stunning in Out of Africa and Death Becomes Her. And also, you taught us how to love again in Mamma Mia, and you were also in The Devil Wears Prada, which is a movie that a lot of... I haven't seen any of that shit, but I saw the movie with Jim Carrey with the prosthetic nose.

Saw it a bunch of times as a kid. Meryl Streep. What is that? Sounds like that name of... What? It sounds like Errol Flynn. Series of Unfortunate Events. What is that? Ariana Grande's abortions hey oh oh it's so funny when they get them it makes me laugh every time yeah yeah it is very funny i think another win for me another win for the i'm the devil um let's see uh

who else is here i have i love. I love celebrities. Oh, we have just enough time for maybe one more celebrity because I have to leave. We have to leave the Oscars. Adam Sandler is here tonight. You may have enjoyed him

in the ending of Uncut Gems which I played on loop for quite a while. Adam is known now for wearing big basketball shorts. And that's okay. Oh, my God. If you're listening to this,

that means that you have really enjoyed the Oscars. And I'm glad that you could come hang out at the Oscars. Thomas, you showcased an unbelievable talent for roasting while a little fucked up on, what, DXM right now? So, man, I don't know, dude. Maybe you've got a career in this roasting thing. Maybe you can. No, I can't do it without you. We got to both.

Well, we'll both host the Oscars as Pandeo time. That's beautiful. That's perfect. I know I'm I'm super down. Because they need to have somebody who they can understand also. It's important to have a guy to translate. Yeah. Thomas says he's sleepy, and he wants to go home.

Yes, he knows it just started, but he's addicted to Benadryl. He wet himself. He has gone TT. Thomas has gone TT, and he needs to go down for Mimi Moment, which means that Thomas has pissed his pants and needs to lay down. He's having heart palpitations brought on by the Benadryl and Johnny Walker. palpitations brought on by the Benadryl and Johnny Walker. Thomas says if anybody could

bring a Bubby to his room so he can go Mimi moment. What that means is that he needs you to bring an entire bottle of Jim Beam and a diaper. We're at the penthouse of the fourth season. That's what Timmy Tom needs. If you listen to this, that means it's free.

And that means that Thomas is in your mind and Jake's in your fucking ear holes. And we're bringing it to you fucking live every night, every Wednesday, every Thursday, every Monday. It means it's free. You want to go over to patreon.com slash MendejoTime. Sub to the goddamn show. A dollar a month gets you access to the Discord,

but nothing else. Five bucks a month gets you access to the Patreon. And that's a bonus episode every week. A whole backlog of those. Ten bucks a month gets you access to the Patreon, and that's a bonus episode every week. A whole backlog of those. Ten bucks a month gets you access to all of that shit. Discord bonus episodes and a video episode a month. Speaking of video episodes, go check out our YouTube. We've got our sketch up there.

We've got our video episodes, our free ones. Everybody gets a free one once a month. There's a whole backlog of those, and we've got our sketch up there. Pendejo Time Worldwide on YouTube and follow us on the socials, Pendejo Time Worldwide. I've got to go to the mechanic, so I've got to cut out of here. Okay. Goodbye. Bye.