Pendejo Time - True Detective Season 5

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

Starring Foghorn Leghorn Support the Show.

Yowch! TV just sucked really bad, so when True Detective Season 1 hit, it was like, what the fuck is this? You hadn't had a show like that since maybe The Sopranos or something. Just something that equally is captivating or whatever. I've been watching the fourth season, and I get why people are clowning on it or whatever. I think it's fine. It's fine or whatever. I think I'm wondering the same thing as anybody else. Where the hell did all these Indians come from? or whatever, but... I think I'm wondering the same thing as anybody else, you know? Where the hell did all these Indians come from?

Yeah, that's what... I think it's... I tried to watch season four, but I was also looking at my phone at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that didn't help. I don't think I gave it that fair of a run. I also didn't like it. I don't think I gave it that fair of a run. I also didn't like it.

I liked the first few minutes, but then once it got into dialogue, I don't know what it was something about. Maybe it was just kind of slow-paced at the beginning. It stays that way. It was hard for me to give a fuck about the characters. It's not because they're women. It's not because I don't already know the actors. It's just a lot of the...

It seems like a lot of the interactions are on the real emotional side. Well, they're like three episodes in. And I, you know, it's just people I don't... I feel like I'm just getting... I don't know how to put this. I feel like everything they say... I know in a show, you know, in the first episode,

basically everything's exposition. But it's so blatantly so in the dialogue, seemed like that yeah that it just i don't know and i think it didn't help that i'd already seen negative stuff but i was hoping to as a hater by nature enjoy the show yeah yeah since people had said it was bad yeah i'm not saying you know i'm giving a review of, like, not even a full episode. So that's not really fair to the show. Right, right. But, um.

I've been watching all three. I don't know. Like, a lot of people's complaints, I think, are valid. But also, like. I really hate when people. One thing I will give the show is this. This is that everybody... And I understand why. People will criticize it in other seasons of True Detective

because they will literally be like, this doesn't feel like the first season. And I want to grab people by the shoulders and be like, moments in time are fleeting. Do you understand? Like, nostalgia is a fucking death trap. It's a pit in the ground. Oh, this season doesn't make me feel like I did 2014 when Woody Harrelson smoked a cigarette.

Yeah, of course it doesn't, man, because that time doesn't exist anymore. It's not, even if they made a show that was just as good, like somehow scientifically, like, just cranked out a show with the pacing and the fucking aesthetics and the directing and the cinematography and the acting, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You'd probably still not think it was as good because that is the watermark in your brain. And that was 10 years ago. You can't get that moment back in time. It's the reason like, like when people, um, like the reason people make reboots, I, I, make reboots, I think they're stupid.

Like, oh, what if Spider-Man had a different type of girlfriend? Okay, like, there's been 900 Spider-Mans. Like, you're never going to be 12 years old watching Tobey Maguire do a backflip again. It's not going to happen. Yeah, like, if they had made four seasons of true detective with the original cast everybody would be like dude why is woody harrelson matthew mcconaughey still doing fucking true detective yeah right or the or like one of the seasons would have been really shitty and then hbo would have acted it's you know yeah it and then i well also i just don't think people

can be happy because then you get shit like Breaking Bad where it ends it's all wrapped up in a little bow and people are like until Vince Gilligan is like fine fuck here's a fucking movie

with Aaron Paul he's driving a car around and you get to see all your friends or your familiar friends and their faces you know or whatever they did the same thing

with Sopranos Tony Soprano as boy wanna watch it fuck no that shit sucked it was ass cheeks just let shit people can't be happy they want shit to go until it sucks and so they can be like it sucks but if something just is and stands on its own legs and stays there people are like I want to feel that again. I want to have it be like it was. And it's like, dude, just fucking watch the show and then go make a pizza or something.

Go eat a fucking sandwich. Like, you know, I understand that we are very attached. We're all very attached to our shows. You know, I get it. But like. There will be new shows. Yeah. Honestly, TV TV is not too bad. Again, severance has been good.

Yellow Jackets has been pretty solid. There's some good shit. But as I was saying before we started recording, I think one of the reasons True Detective was it. When a show comes out, when something comes out that isn't dog shit, people, like, go nuts, you know what I mean? Because it's like, oh, it doesn't suck dick or whatever the fuck. Yeah.

I've actually been working on a new season of true detective just okay myself and it's got rust cole um and it's got woody harrelson okay and it's also got me in there oh okay what are you doing in the show i'm playing myself in the show you're playing thomas okay so there's like a dallas mystery fort worth mystery no it's basically set in season one but i've written the dialogue as well as the plot line the plot line is the same except i am involved okay so and i have to wear a leather jacket show the whole show okay leather jacket i'm in every scene Okay The worst scene I would say was I had to be in all the sex scenes

But I didn't have sex in the show Because I didn't want to change the plot too much To where I was having sex with people So I'm You know in like hotels How they have like that chair that's off to the side The cuck chair yeah Yeah I was just kind of in there Looking at my phone during all those scenes Oh okay like hotels how they have like that chair that's off to the side the cuck chair yeah yeah i was

just kind of in there looking at my phone during all those scenes oh okay yeah so that kind of i will say it didn't make sense for some of the scenes you know like a man's cheating on his wife um with a girl you know where it's questionable or, and I'm just looking at my phone. But I rewrote a lot of stuff that Russ Cole said to be stuff that I would say more likely. But then I just word it. It doesn't come out of my mouth, so it's still him saying it. Oh, okay. Yeah, but I'll say, like, I'll have him say, like,

Tom's a piece of crap, Marty. Sometimes it circles the drain and when you flush it it comes back out like a turd okay and sometimes that turd is part of a cheese sandwich cheese turd butthole right and then Marty you turn to Marty And it'll also be something That I would say Yeah And he'd say Are you seriously A fucking piece of shit Are you

Are you fucking my ass And it's gonna be A really good show But the budget's gonna be Fifty million dollars I figure one million dollars For Matthew McConaughey, $1 million for Woody Harrelson,

and $48 million for me. That's not a bad deal. Yeah, that's awesome. And then everybody else will come do it for free, I bet. Yeah, the cinematographer, the director, yeah. Right, right, right. Light guys, key grips, they would all, for sure. I would love to be in it if you have room.

I would like to play the crazy old black lady that's like, you know Cocosa? I want to be her. Him who eats time. That would be cool if I could be that lady. Like, they go to visit, and they're like, oh, this guy knows about voodoo, and you think it's just going to be like, you know.

They're in Beaumont. It's like a soulful black lady. But they open the door and I'm just like smoking Delta 8 in my apartment. Do you know anything about the voodoo stuff around here in Louisiana? Yeah, yeah. It's like a couple. You got some sticks. There's like a guy out there. He like has sex with kids.

He's super mean. Oh, yeah yeah i was a maid in the 50s yep that was me you work for you work for the tuttle family right yeah yeah i was a baby uh they uh took pictures on me and stuff they dressed me up like an elf um yep they didn't do nothing weird i know the dude with the scars because he uh he got his shit fucked up by a dude i think yeah they used to call him little nuts he's super inbred so his penis and his balls are all they look like a uh they look a cutie tangerine and uh yeah so you don't want to go over there that guy's a real

piece of shit uh you guys look kind of frail uh he's inbred to the point where he's a big sumbitch and uh he like whispers and stuff. I think he might be magic. He's got a portal in there. He fucks his sister, which is straight up not cool. Just take all of the gravity out of the scene completely. All of the mysticism. I'll tell you everything.

The story ends with the dude who works at the mechanic shop. Yeah. So far as I know, it's this dude. I'll give you everything. The story ends with the dude who works at the mechanic shop. Yeah. So far as I know, it's this dude. I'll give you the address. But he's my friend. So far as I know, yeah. So here he is. He is currently my apprentice.

I'm doing oil changes right now. He also, on his side, he has mentioned killing and eating baby girls, which I probably should have mentioned earlier. And by baby girls, I thought he meant the beloved Louisiana candy, baby girls. As it turns out. It's a pink peanut brittle candy, baby girls, that we eat around here. And I thought when he said, I'm going to go home and kill a dozen baby girls, I thought, oh, he got a bulk package from Amazon.

And he's going to open it and he's going to eat all the candy and probably get a huge sugar rush out of it. And as it turns out, that was not the case at all. In fact, my apprentice here, I should have known by the fact that he drinks transmission fluid out of a stainless mug. But there seems to be something deeply unsettled with this boss.

In that scene where it's like real intense and Matthew McConaughey's chasing him through that tunnel with all the trees and stuff and he's like, come die with me little priest. So he gets up there and the guy's like, hey, hey, I'm a pedophile. I'm a pedophile and I eat kids.

I wish he talked like Foghorn. Why, I do declare this detective here is chasing me through this big grove of filth. Oh, you done caught me in my lair. My skull and bones lair with this here portal to the universe. Be a real shame if I killed you. Be a real shame if I stabbed you in your belly with this here hunting knife. Oh, Lord. Oh, please don't harm me and my beautiful, sexy sister here in these woods.

Ain't nothing going on. Don't check the shed. That's where I keep my lawnmower. Ain't no kids in there. I do promise you that. As the God's honest truth, ain't no babies in there. These are some decorative corpses I got here. Some decorative child skeletons.

This house used to be a spirit Halloween, you understand me? This was the first spirit Halloween location, but it was too remote. In Baton Rouge, Louisiana. You're not looking at a whole pile of toddler bones. You're looking at the first Spirit Halloween in beautiful Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing. I can't believe you found my lair

When it's such a mess I apologize I'll sweep up some of these child bones He's like very embarrassed He's like Oh god I don't get out much Except to eat and kill children

Run trains on babies I'm shy That's why I only kill children. Let me ask you a question. Your name Marty. Marty, did you happen to see the video that me and the boys made? Yeah, I was fucked up. I have a question for you, Marty.

Do you think I look handsome in my raccoon mask? Because everybody makes fun of me. They got a cool animal like a bull or perhaps an eagle. mask because everybody makes fun of me they got a cool animal like a bull or perhaps an eagle i got the raccoon and i had that do unspeakable acts of sexual deviancy to the girl in a in a raccoon mask and after everybody made fun of me they said i was the loser of the cult apparently eyewitness accounts have been calling me the fat ass of the group even though i have lost weight and others have gained weight since the incident i have not participated in a ritualistic gang rape in over 30 years and yet i'm still

considered the fattest child rapist in this here southern louisiana riddle me that detective people don't call me uh the yellow king because it's it sounds creepy and perhaps would be a cool nickname to give somebody who, what, heads a coat. They call me the Yellow King on account of my jaundice and account of that I am rather fat. And due to my love of pastels.

I love wearing a bright yellow zoot suit and kidnapping children from religious universities and schools. Yeah. What was his name? Oh, Childress. Something Childress.

Yeah, he was the... Whenever I see him... Mr. Detective, have you seen this here Angel Reese gal at LSU? That girl sure can ball. Yeah, it's like... She's no Caitlyn Clark, but I think she's got spirit. There's absolutely no suspense. It's just like...

They like... The body they find with the spiral on it and the antlers, he's like 10 yards out, like off camera, but he's like, Hey, don't touch her yet. I like to leave them just for a little while, you know. Let them get a little bit of bugs on them. Marty's looking up at the spiral or whatever,

and then the guy just comes up and fucks him. And then Marty runs up, and then they all three of them start fucking and sucking out of the den. That was Nick Pizzolatto's original script, but I remember he had said that HBObo max hbo at the time would not they wouldn't they wouldn't sign off on it uh yeah but uh you know that's the way big old that big old roller pin dick i love i love the the that line where he's like uh you know any type of detective can be you know blah blah blah and a confident shitheel and the detective's like what

kind of you he's like oh just a regular ass guy with a big ass dick i was like that didn't i remember watching that scene and being like that didn't hit was that supposed to be a joke like he's describing what type of detective he thought rust was which was you know like a brainiac or whatever and he's like me oh you know i wasn't too much of a thinker i just have a huge penis like it did it took me out of like the suspense of introducing the characters i understand that like that's what he is or what he was you know like just a fucking sex maniac but i hated that line so fucking much it was so stupid yeah i'm just a regular old detective with a wet-ass tight pussy.

What if they say that in episode five watching next Sunday? Jodie Foster's like, oh, you know, I'm a... Oh, you know, Callie, she's more of a brawler. But me, I'm just a regular lady detective with a tight wet ass. With a nasty, you know, disgusting cooter type deal, you know. Whatever girls have. Whatever girls have. I'm Jodie Foster.

Sometimes. Some guy tried to kill Ronald Reagan because of me, you know. It's crazy that they let her. I guess she didn't do it. Yeah. You know how a teenager has to be for you to do that? It's crazy. It's funny that they let him out.

Wasn't she like 15 when that happened? Yeah, I think in the movie. He's canceled. John Hinckley Jr. John Hinckley Jr., I'm not going to your concert anymore. He got on Twitter and started making folk music, which is so dope. Because he was legitimately insane, so I guess they let him go. And he was like... He was in there for quite a while.

Yeah. Well, basically, since he domed the fucking Presidente with. Yeah, I guess. Shitty ass gun or whatever the fuck he pulled up with that blicky duty. Yeah, the gun sucked. He like clipped. I think he clipped Reagan in the chest or the head. I forget.

And Reagan lived. Which like... Yeah, I think he got him in the ribs or something. Yeah, fucked it. Yeah, that's just a real shame that John didn't get the job done. Yeah. I would have probably used a ninja throwing star on Ronald Reagan. Cut his carotid artery and it would have boomeranged back to me.

And then I would have licked the blood off and I would have said surprise motherfucker. What do you think of that? I can't prove that you can't prove that it wouldn't have worked because 50 years ago I would have been an entirely different man. I wouldn't be a podcaster. I would probably still be a construction worker. Yeah, you probably just be like a racist. Yeah, you'd probably just be like a racist construction worker, you know.

Just by nature of, you know. Is it illegal, you think? Think of like a shooter type situation, but nobody dies, but like if I can draw a bead on the president with a Nerf gun, and then I fucking like

hit his ass with it, and it's just a goof, like it's a Nerf gun, you i fucking like hit his ass with it and it's just a goof like it's a nerf gun you know so like they can't take me to jail or kill me or lethally inject me for attempt no they would definitely do like they would definitely do like an assault charge or something for sure yeah but just just being like i could have got you you know what i mean like i could have i can got you like that type of deal Or you just like throw cum on him, but it's not even yours, so it's not even legal. Don't know why. You have to.

I was just thinking like. No, like because then it would like stain his clothes or make them like dry. Yeah, you just like you throw a paper plate at him, you know. Yeah, you like you like throw like spit. Spit. Like you throw a guy's spit on his face, but it's not yours. And you say, my bad. I thought that was water.

And I thought you were on fire. Oops. And then you go, you just shrug real big and go, oopsie. And then you walk off and Social Security guards, they go, what the what? I feel like you I feel like if you... And they are called social security guards, by the way. I just caught that right when I was reading. Hey, we're social security.

They're like 98 years old. Get on the ground. Get on the ground. Yeah, I'm a social security guard. Yeah, I'm 78 years old. I'm a social security guard. Yeah, I'm 78 years old, 400 pounds. I'm fat as shit. Yeah, that's who we're going to have

protecting the damn White House pretty soon with all the octogenarians in that motherfucker. Did you see that the next game plan for the Biden guys is to try to get Taylor Swift to endorse him. And I think that's awesome. It's got to suck to be that famous.

As the president? No, as Taylor Swift. I think it's awesome. I think she could have child slaves if she wanted to. Probably. You're probably right. Yeah, she could. Child slaves if she wanted to.

Probably. You're probably right. Yeah. Yeah. She could. I mean, that's not the main perk that I would enjoy if I were ultra wealthy. I would probably make myself a NASCAR driver. Yeah. I'd probably drive a lot of fast cars.

That would be the worst one. No. I would say, hey, I want to be one of the drivers in this car. How much money do I have to pay for that to happen? They'd say like half a billion dollars. I'd say, okay, all right, that's what I do now. Yeah. Am I going to win prizes?

And they say, probably not. No, you're probably going to get serious. Do you know how to drive a stick shift that goes 280 miles an hour? I'm going to need one of these with a real door in it. Do you have an automatic? Because I'm chubby and these other drivers are not, so you're going to need to make one with a door. I'm cool with doing like 120.

Is it cool if I just do like 100? You guys can do 280, 290. I know you guys like to go that fast. I'm scared, though, so I might have to do like 100. We do need to put a sound system in this thing. Yeah. And at least a cup holder and a recliner. I'm going to need to drive this fucker like seven deep.

Now, I'm not talking blackout, but I am talking like I shouldn't. You know, one of those days where you're like, I want to put the keys in this ignition, and I'm going to this car and i'm going to drive it i can probably make it home the operative word being probably because i'm not blackout drunk which is good it's so good to not be blackout drunk when you're driving yeah it's so much easier yeah it's funny that for a long time that was the line at least for me where i was like yeah i won't drive blackout but like there are it's like if you do drive blackout drunk you truly blackout you don't know

which makes you innocent yeah yeah yeah well i i said that those words left my mouth and i just straight lying because there have 100 been times when I've woken up in my own bed. I didn't take an Uber to any bar, to or from. Keys on the windowsill, wallet there, debit card out on the floor, phone on the floor. You know? And you're like, pfft. I feel like I've only actually blacked out a few times.

And it was when I would do Benzos. And so then it's like, well, yeah, you're going to black out. Yeah, it's a hard drive wiper. Yeah. And then also a couple other times. But I had a habit of just falling asleep sometimes. Sometimes I'd be like, wow, I blacked out. And then I'd be like, no, you went to bed at 8 p.m.

because you were drinking all day. And then when you weren't drinking anymore, you were asleep in your friend's lawn chair. I would black out constantly because of benzodiazepines, yes, but also because at least for a chunk of time there, if we hit 1,000 patrons this month, Jake has to relapse. Well, I like, you know, no. I lay out like a contingency plan where I'm like,

how much money would I hypothetically have to make on this show? You shouldn't. And then because whatever mark that would be as soon as we hit it and you did that, then it would be all down. Oh, yeah. Like if we made like 10 grand a month and I was like, yeah, no, I don't. It's safe. I don't have to have a real job anymore. You know, I'm a podcast.

Your fiance is like, oh, sure. Yeah. Ashley's like, oh, that's awesome. Yeah. No, this was Thomas's idea. We're super good friends after this. And I'm really going to like, oh, sure. Yeah, Ashley's like, 100. Sounds awesome. Yeah, no, this was Thomas' idea. We're super good friends after this, and I'm really going to like it when he comes over. Thomas made this plan for you guys. Great.

Yeah, yeah, of course. No. And what's he going to be doing? Oh, he's going to take your share so he can invest it? Awesome. Yeah, yeah. Awesome. And you, what happens next with you?

Oh, you have to, your life falls apart and you quit the show. Okay, yeah, that sounds awesome. I think a lot of people, you know, a lot of people are supposed to be sober for sure. Yeah. I think a lot of other people, you know, they get, you know, it's kind of like gambling where a lot of people are about to hit a breakthrough, I think, with their addictions. And they stop right before they do. You know, there's a lot of people, you know, if they smoked meth one more time, they could climb all the way to the top of that pine tree. You know what I mean?

But instead, they stop practicing. They stop smoking meth. They start being a cashier again. Doing human shit. And that's not... Maybe you were awesome at doing cocaine and awesome at writing the first page of a screenplay. And now you fucking sell insurance. And now that screenplay is never going to get restarted every two weeks.

You know, you used to sleep super good because you did heroin all the time, and now you only sleep like eight hours a night instead of all day. Yeah, you used to sleep 17 hours a day. Yeah. Yeah. I was hanging out with a buddy the other day, and he's been getting into shape, And we don't see each other very much And dude I don't think I'd seen him in like

Dude like two or three years Maybe longer And he was like dude you look great How much weight have you lost And I was like I don't know close to 100 pounds I guess since the last we saw each other And he was like You know we talked about that

Then later on he offered me a bump And I was like oh no man I quit that a long time ago. And he was like, really? He was like, I thought, I almost figured that's how you did it. I was like, what do you mean? He was like, well, you were like a really fat cokehead. He's like, weren't you like 270?

Yeah, he's like, you were doing a lot of blow. How'd you make that work? And I was like, what, being a fat cokehead? And he was like, yeah. And I was like doing cocaine and eating chicken wings. Like what the fuck? It's not Tom. Dude, Chris Farley did it super good. Like he made it happen. You know what I mean? Uh, but yeah, that was what I think my breakthrough was, was like for a while I was coke head skinny and I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was like the SSRIs too, I was cokehead skinny and I don't know what happened I don't know if it was like the SSRIs too but like 2017 I just gained like 10 pounds a month for like a year and a half or no maybe like nine months I put on like 90 pounds in less than a year yeah and I did I that's a lot of weight

yeah yeah yeah I gained I remember my first semester of college, I gained, I think, 45 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then that was like, I like leveled out there. It was funny. And then I like lost weight the next year. But I was fat for like a few months and then kind of just sprained my ankles a lot. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then I just sort of kind of got tired of being fat. I feel like if you just get tired of being fat You'll stop You know But it's so nice to be fat And eat all day You eat all day I uh

Man I've been eating Thousand calorie breakfast Every day It's uh H-E-B Sells this yogurt That it's like a Dairyfree, like almond and coconut-based protein yogurt.

Uh-huh. So it's like, they sell it in these tubs, and it's four servings per tub, but each serving you get like 12 grams of protein or something like that. Sure. Not that much. Not crazy. Yeah, not crazy. Yeah. But if you eat a whole tub, you get like 48 grams of protein.

Uh-huh. And you get a fucking free 850 calories. That's awesome. And then I'll pour some cereal in there and I'll eat a banana with it. I go, hey, it's 1,000 calories right there. Then it doesn't matter what I have for lunch. I can skip lunch if I want to. The protein smoothies that I make, that I really like to make,

it's two scoops of the protein I have, which is like 350 calories right there. It's like not the low-cal, it's not the high-cal meal replacements, like somewhere in the middle. And then I do two cups of oat milk, which is like 180. And then I do typically like two bananas and then like a tablespoon of peanut butter. And I was drinking these like a lot. And I was like, this is fucking healthy. Like when you go to Smoothie King and you get to like Nutella peanut butter smoothie and you're like, dude, I want to get a six pack.

Like I'm going to be fucking ripped and i was just like doing the math one day i was like dude this is an 1100 calorie fat fuck treat this is not it is like i am getting like 60 grams of protein in this with everything like my the powder what little is in the peanut butter and blah blah blah but i don't want to we're not this isn't like is in the peanut butter and blah blah blah blah but i don't want to we're not this isn't like lean protein anymore this is like i'm just having a milkshake that also has a lot of protein in it that's the best kind of treat i agree i agree you go oh so i'm a bad person now for caring about my health yeah if you just drink a chocolate milkshake basically basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love, what's it called? It's Smoothie King.

Yeah. The Hulk. You ever get that one? That's my go-to there. And I only go there every few months, if that. But I got the biggest size they had one time. And it was like a... It's like a 48 ounce jug, isn't it? Like 42 or something like that.

Yeah. Yeah. I paid like $12 for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I just drank all of it in my car. Dude, I used to do the same.

I don't even think I went to the gym and it was like, it was like, it was probably like 1500 calories. Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. Like 80 grams of protein But like My body can't absorb

That much of wind Yeah you shit out Like I think Anything over 70 Yeah Yeah yeah You can't Yeah so

Yeah So yeah I was like Yeah I'm kinda Looking after myself A little better now I think I might go to Wendy's Uh huh Um

And get some more protein In there We used to do Well I say we. My roommates would get really fucking pissed at me. But I was on this medicine for bipolar disorder called Depakote. And it made my hair fall out and it made me get really fat. And it made nothing in my body worked good.

But it did make me completely emotionless for like eight months, which I guess is cool. Like you just you wake up and you go, hmm, nourishment. And then you like eat like a fucking kind bar. And then like five hours go by. You don't remember anything and you go nourishment. And then you have a fucking like Taco Bell and you go diarrhea. And then you go to the bathroom and then that's like your whole life on this shit but anyway um I my doctor my shrink had told me that a big side effect that a lot of people get is like insatiable hunger because you have to start at a low dose it's non-therapeutic and then after a while you work your way up it's like lithium in that way I don't know if you ever took lithium I took that shit too yeah um anyway uh a meal that i really got into i was unemployed i couldn't hold

down a job at the time i was just like like just like like going nuts like and quitting jobs or getting fired like basically every two months and um i discovered the power of ordering food on a credit card that i have no intention of paying back and so what i would get is i would go to this local pizza place on favor or uber eats i so what i would get is i would go to this local pizza place on favor or uber eats i remember and i would get an extra large meat lovers calzone and 12 extra spicy chicken wings and i would eat that three to four times a week uh and my roommates called it the villain's meal and we all called it that uh it was like a term that we used for it and the reason they call it that is because before it, I would drink like four mad dogs

and I get real angry and pissed off. And I also at this time, I was really hugely fat already. And I'd be like, I'm hungry. I was just like they like were roommate. I would. They were roommates with the guy from Dune. That was like me. Fucking like I.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I was just like really ruthlessly like mean to everybody and like never had i didn't have any money to pay bills but i definitely had money to for calzones and fucking pills anyway um and i would eat all of this in one sitting and i'd eat it in like 10 minutes and this is like dude like 6 000 calories of food. Because the calzone was huge. And it was like meat lovers stuffed with fucking sausage. It was fucking delicious.

And then I would eat 12 wings. I wouldn't eat them separately. I would eat them at the same time. And then I would go throw up. Like all of it. Because the medicine also made it hard for me to keep down food. So that's one of the reasons I would eat all the time. And the roommates grew to really fucking despise it the reasons I would eat all the time. And the roommates grew to like really fucking despise it

because I would eat all of that shit and they would know that I would have to go throw up. So they would be like, okay, well, just make sure you clean up the bathroom after you puke. And I'm like, no.

You guys can deal with that shit. But yeah, the fucking, the medicine made me eat a bunch, but I was also still doing blow. So I just. Nice. Yeah. Good combination of things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. So I was I was doing a hell of a lot of fucking cocaine and then eating like seven eating just food. Six thousand seven hundred calories a day. Alcohol, probably another five. So I'm topping 10 a day, easy. I'm drunk every day. Michael Phelps. Yes.

Yeah, I was probably burning, dude, honestly, I was burning a lot. I was probably burning like 150 calories a day. So you got to be careful with that type of fitness. I would go to my shrink and I would be like, the medicine's not working. I can't figure out how to fucking every every day is the fucking same okay every day is the fucking thing and i'm scared and i don't want to be here and the therapist would go okay let's you know um how much we had to drink today i'm like i haven't i got here i was drinking in the parking lot okay Okay, you still doing the drugs with Depakote and Seroquel and Zoloft?

Yeah, I did cocaine on the bus. They're like, oh, okay, all right. Well, you know, maybe stop that and see if the medicine works. I didn't know. You know what I mean? Like, when a doctor tells you, like, the solution to your problem, and you're like, I can't. Like, that's just not on the menu for today.

You know what I mean? Like, hey, just maybe stop smoking two packs a day what if i kept doing it you know what if i just kept going hard as hell what if i stayed baller as shit yeah exactly everything about that doctor of science yeah everything oh you got a phd in neuroscience and psychology dude have you ever fucking have you ever heard of smoking 40 cigarettes and doing an eight-ball cocaine in one night with your friends? And getting... What, did you get your fucking therapist degree in being a bitch to me?

Being a fucking loser nerd that's never had a good-ass time? Never gotten to a... Oh, yeah. Probably never even freaking had sex before. Never gotten to a fist fight with your best friends? You never...

I bet you pay your rent every month, you high-and-mighty little bitch. I bet you don't have to fucking ask people for money to pay your bills, do you? You fucking loser. Oh, is that your G-Wagon out there? I bet you pay that on time every month because you have two PhDs and you're a doctor. You're a doctor also.

Oh, it says you're a DR. What does DR stand for? Doctor Retard. Yeah. What does D.R. stand for? Dr. Retard. Yeah. What does that stand for? Doofus Rufus. Dr. Pepper. You're completely obliterated.

Yeah, where did you get your Ph.D. from? Harvard? Yeah, actually, yes. I got my M.D. from Johns Hopkins. Oh, yeah, Johnny Penis School? Fucking Johnny Cock? Johnny Cochran? Oh, you got an LSU?

Was that losing something under your bed? Hey, listen, I'm glad you read a thousand books and you make 200 grand a year prescribing Zoloft to me. Have you ever fucking done biking and you make 200 grand in a year prescribing zoloft to me have you ever uh fucking done biking and watch cartoons by yourself no probably not probably not because you fucking have priorities if your life in order yeah i feel like i want to know like i guess it's just steroids. Because, like, you know, how do guys,

how do, like, Hollywood guys at party, like, stay like that? You know what I mean? Like, just stay kind of always fucking, but yeah, it's just, it's just, like, windstraw and shit.

Yeah, and also, like, good genetics. Yeah, good genetics. I remember reading, like, I remember thinking, like, oh, like, how do they do it? Like, how do they stay, like, this year round? You know, and it's like, oh, like, how do they do it? How do they stay, like, this year round? You know, and it's like, oh, their only job in between movies is, like, the production company for the movie, like, pays them to work out six hours a day.

Like, dude, if I was getting paid, like, 200 grand over the course of, like, six months to, like, get abs, dude, forget about it. You know what I mean? Like, the reason that it sucks is because I pay to do it and I don't like it. Like, I mean, it makes me feel good mentally, I guess. And like,

it is good for my physical and mental wellbeing, but like, it's gay to do it. It's all like, if you just like, if they just gave you like the best trainer in the world and they're like, Hey, this guy will show you what to do.

Just do this. Yeah. They, yeah. Like a chef comes to your house and shit. Like whenever the fucking, I would be pissed off. I'd say,

I'm going to do this shit my way in my backyard. Yeah, I'm going to blow out all the... They'd say, dude, you're going to be in a movie. Please don't just deadlift as much as you can every day until your back doesn't work at all. And I would say, fuck you. I'm going to work out next to my truck that doesn't go anywhere. How about that?

I want to deadlift. You can take your $200 million and shove it up your big fat ass. I'm going to be Dr. Iron Man in the fucking movie. And they're going to say, what movie do you think that you are training for? You are going to be an extra. You are not getting paid to work out. You're playing Robert Downey Jr.'s brother who has AIDS. We don't need you to put on muscle.

We do not need you on Trimble Love for this. We discourage it. If you gain 30 pounds of muscle, you cannot play a 14-year-old boy in this high school musical reboot. It doesn't make sense.

You're the younger brother. You're the younger brother. I'm going... Well well it's too late because i'm already fucking going bald from my cycle because i don't fucking understand the papers you guys send me okay so now i'm supposed to work out in my backyard like a baby it'd be so funny if like me and you fucking yeah you know best case scenario or whatever not the best case i don't know if i want to be in the movies but yeah you get cast in something or whatever because the show like you know years down the road at his best case scenarios we're fucking millionaires yeah awesome actors that is probably best case scenario for our lives yeah yeah i was trying to i was trying to be

scenario worst case scenario we both end up fucking dead like soon that's also a possibility um you're like what are you talking about dude that's best case scenario what are you oh yeah i was gonna go fucking work at nasa i don't know about you yeah i was gonna i was gonna do seo marketing for a hundred more years i fucking guess yeah worst case scenario we both die die in a year. Like now. Yeah, yeah. No, you're 100% right. I was trying to play it off like I didn't have dreams or anything. No, I do.

That would be cool. But it would be very funny to like, you know, fucking cast to play like a heroin addict, and they're like, all right. And they give you the money up front, too. Like, all right, yeah, you know, you got your agent. So after your agent's fees, we're going to do an ACH transfer. It's about $1.2 million. You're going to want to pay taxes on that.

That'll probably leave you with about $900K. So as for the role, though, so you and Jake are brothers. You run heroin. You get hooked on heroin. This is set in the 70s. So we need you, like, what are you, $1.80, $1.90? We need you, like, $1.30 is set in the 70s. So we need you like, what are you, buck 80, buck 90? We need you like a buck 30. So a lot of running.

Keep those calories down to 1,000. Remember, you're a heroin addict in 1979, okay? Like six months go by and you show up and you're like 280 lean. Just huge. Like you're purple. You're like Rich Piana. Just like all delts and traps and you're just purple. Every vein in your body is fucking...

I can only wear jeans and I wear them short. For some reason, you're nine inches taller too. You've got the bone-breaking surgery as well. Yeah, I'm seven feet tall. What did you guys... I don't know what to talk about. It's one of the Safdie brothers My voice is like fucked

Yeah yeah Just completely like Hey I'm here To play my part Listen Yeah yeah My neck got long I'm sorry

I got neck longing surgery You wore the shit That the African ladies wear The fucking rings Just for what For no reason Just I got neck longing surgery I wore the things That the African ladies wear. The fucking rings. Just for what? For no reason? I got neck longing surgery.

I want the things that the ladies wear when they put the metal around their neck. They're trying to choke me. They're like, do you mean neck lengthening? No, neck longing. Neck longing surgery. That's why they make it long instead of lengthening it. Straight to long. You show up in your trailer.

Fucking Paul Thomas Anderson or whatever knocks on the door. You answer. Your head is scraping the roof of the trailer. Buddy, I said 120. What is this? I figured we could redo it to where I'm God. We could make the movie the Don't worry. I had all my teeth removed so my weight would go down. I figured we could redo the movie where Jake's a heroin addict and I'm some sort of evil monster

that he needs. He has to defeat me. I'm the heroin monster. It's like a metaphor, really. He is is addicted to heroin but he also has to fight me i also brought my own prosthetic penis to use for any nude scenes where it's huge as my penis has not grown i've been joking this whole time it has not grown listen man we went after you guys because you both kind of have like a fucking 70s, like a young idiot thing about you, and you just fuck it up. You fuck it up by putting on 300 pounds of muscle and becoming 11 inches taller somehow, and you got neck-longing surgery.

You want me to get 11 inches shorter? That would be the size of a puppet doll. You're like 7'2". Oh, you want me to be oh my god oh yeah you want me to be two feet tall like an ant or like a spider dog hey listen why can't you be more like jake he he didn't do any of his goofy shit i just walk up to the trailer and i'm just, I've completely tattooed my body brown. Like a deep dark break from head to toe. Like just complete tattooed brown face, but like

every part of my body. Oh! Hey Jake, you look good. Hey, I figured we could change it up. You know, I heard Thomas became 7'2 and 420 pounds of solid muscle with no teeth. I figured I could be the same guy I was going to be, but from like the Dominican Republic. You know, like a Dominican Republic heroin addict or whatever.

Or you could be a turd. Yeah, Thomas is a heroin monster. I'm poop. Yeah, I like that. That's the new movie. Poop monster, heroin monster. Listen. The heroin monster keeps the poop monster from coming out.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's 100% correct. It does. And listen, Paul, I know you've made some of the best movies in the world, so just trust us on this. Instead of two guys selling heroin and then Thomas gets addicted to it, it's about our life in, you know, like late 70s, early 80s New York

struggling with the AIDS crisis and heroin epidemic. What if, instead, heroin monster ate a big piece of poop? Just walk around for two and a half hours. Very little plot. And I get. I don't know. I get like like I get eaten by a lizard or something at the end. And that's the whole movie.

You know what I mean? I like that idea, Jake. Thank you, buddy. I think maybe you should get neck-longing surgery, though. Honestly? So you can be a longer poop. Honestly, you look great, man. You look—

Thank you. I feel my best. I feel like I'm 19 and I'm only 24. I feel like I'm 19 and I'm only 24. It's like Paul Thomas Anderson storming off Beckman Writers Room. Man, I think my wrist got skinnier, though. It needs bigger wrist surgery. Thomas, we got everything we ever wanted,

and I think Paul's really happy with the script changes that me and you are both suggesting. He is. I think he likes my new voice and he likes that i sound like a calm fat albert he's in the writer room he's like thomas is seven foot two and he's like 500 pounds solid muscle all his teeth are gone he got something called neck longing surgery and then i i thought the other guy was way more even keeled. Way more even keeled. Seemed like a normal guy. Tattooed completely brown.

Says he doesn't want to be a heroin addict. Says he wants to be poop. Wait, you're saying he wants to be excrement? Yeah, he wants to be poop, and Thomas wants to be someone called a heroin monster. Now, I have to rewrite this script from the ground up, guys. No. Yeah.

A24 has already signed off to make this movie. It was going to be called Dope Brothers. And now we have to call it Heroin Monster and a Big Piece of Poop. Well, we have to make the movie now. We do. And you know what? We can't find two other guys to make the same movie with. We can't find two guys with long hair with, like, 1978 Texas phenotypes. We can't find two guys with long hair with 1978 Texas phenotypes.

Where are we going to find two rich guys, two white guys, I mean, who want to do comedy? Where are we going to find two abrasively crass white men in their 20s who want to be in the movies and do stand-up? Listen, I'm in L.A. I've never seen anything like that, like those guys in my life. You know, what am I? I don't know. You guys are going to be hard-pressed

to find guys like that. Anyway, I'm 100% on board, Thomas and Paul, with Heroin Monster and Piece of Poop. I've been writing a little movie lately. It's called It's called It's called Soul Dome Charles Barkley Thank you for joining us

A lot of times You know we don't get Former athletes Pitching stuff To Amazon So It's nice to see you So tell us about Soul Dome, Charles.

The thing about Soul Dome is a lot of people don't know how much soul could be in a dome. And it's about one that's got a whole lot of it. I'm not going to lie. I like it. I'm not going to lie. I like it. I'm not going to lie to you, Charles. I really honestly, possibly because I'm a racist, thought that maybe this would be like a Soul Plane thing,

but like a bio dome meets Soul Plane, like a bunch of black people living under a type of, you know, like snow globe type dome, maybe over a place where you live.

And you guys get into all sorts of antics that you guys get into, you know, like car stereos, you hell no so you're wait so you're saying the movie is just filling basically is what it comes down to is it's where we every a white woman dies, her soul goes into the dome. Okay, so... And they fight in there,

and we bet on it. Okay, so you... Spirits fight. You have a... In the movie, you have a dome that exists, I guess, outside of our place in space-time

where white women's souls go to fight. It's in the old ranger stadium in Arlington, Texas. Okay, so it's the old ranger stadium. It's the Choctaw Stadium now, and the rangers moved across the street. So at this stadium. I don't know what they use this stadium for other than the soul dome.

So at this stadium... I don't know what they use this stadium for other than the Soul Dome. So, in the Soul Dome in Arlington, every time a white woman dies, her soul is sent to this dome where she has to fight to, I guess, spirit death? Like nothingness? I never thought about it, but we bet on it.

I... I never thought about it, but we bet on it. The idea of like you get in the door because you are famous already. They're like, fuck it. We'll let him hear what Charles Barkley has to say. I love him on SportsCenter. He's a great commentator. Funny guy, you know. What if a lot of white women's spirits were fighting in a dome and we put money down just to see what would happen? Charles, what kind of money are you looking for this movie?

Well, for this movie, we were thinking something along the lines of 25 domes. Dome coins. We were thinking something along the lines of 25 domes, dome coins, which is sort of like one twenty fifth of a sort of a. Well, like a one dome coin is like one twenty fifth of a soul coin. I really I really hate derailing. I'm so sorry. I hate derailing shit. But I fucking I fucking do dude i get behind the worst shit on here i got i'm keeping it a bill with you three years in nothing pisses me off than when

you're doing a fucking bit and a part of the currency in this world in the world of the thing is just the bit but you put coin by it lick coin fucking i can't just drives me fucking nuts yeah you don't like soul coin no you said dome coin piece of shit don't quote no a dome coin is 125th of a soul coin fucking yeah all right you're worried about you're worried about dome coins i'm worried about soul coins pennies and dollars i don't know why but it fucking whenever i feel like you start to do it and i can see you'll be like and a dome coin is like four pennies if us that is if a soul coin was a dollar my blood pressure spikes when you're doing one of these and you say something akin to like something to the effect of oh you know a lizards tongue is worth and then i immediately

it goes to like 140 over like 95 and i'm like two lizard coins just because it's like because because like you could go anywhere we could go anywhere we build these worlds that we inhabit we build them of our own minds and that's the show and then fucking you just you're like yeah you gotta i want to i want a dome worth 25 dumb coins i'm like what the fuck like we've got charles barkley pitching a show where white women die and then they go to a dome to fight again to the death that's so there that's all the way to the bank, and you're like, but you gotta give me dome coins. Well, so I was

explaining the currency to you. So a dome coin is worth 125th of a soul coin. I am asking for five soul coins, which is like 125 dome coins if you have them. To be exact.

I'm asking for 125 dumb coins. It pans over Shaq He ain't got no Don't coin He ain't got no Damn don't coin Don't listen to him

He broke He broke Director sir He broke He don't have no Damn don't or so coin You know You know damn well

I got so coin You know You know damn well I got I got ten so coin in the back of my pocket. It's like Wes Anderson. He's like, fellas, soul coins, I'm not following. And dome coins, it's not.

You know, I just had a fella in here, a long-haired white fella, who came in here and pitched me something similar about lick coins and phones not too long ago, a few months. It was something about the lick phone and the lick coin, and you had to lick the phone 1,000 times to charge it. To charge? Well, you had to lick the phone 100,000 times to charge it. You could lick the phone 1,000 times.

You haven't left the building. You're still there, like in the doorway. You're like, actually, Wes, you have to lick it 100,000 times. Actually, Wes, so it was 1,000 licks to give 1% of the phone, or you could do 100,000 licks for a free full charge, or it had an instant charger, which in 10 seconds would fully charge the phone. And as I explained, there's a currency that you,

I won't get into it, but there's a currency where every i won't get into it but there's a currency where every time you lick the phone you slowly earn phone money but we don't have to talk about that since our co-host here thinks it's stupid that i have ingenious ways of making money in my head no i don't i don't think it's not stupid it's very funny i but the thing the closest thing i could get it to is the voice that I do that grates you so. But it's very funny. It's like when we're doing this, doing the show, and it gets to one of the coin things. I don't know where to go anymore.

I lose. Well, I'll explain it to you quite simply. There's no joke involved. It's simply a lot of times there's a hole in my brain. Quite simply, there's no joke involved. It's simply a lot of times there's a hole in my brain. And basically, sometimes I get to one of the holes in there. And I'll tell you, Shaq, you know, these holes down south in the brain,

they're different than the holes up north. You got it down. Listen. All right. I'm sorry, guys. I wasn't being fair to the coins, admittedly. I lied. I like the coins. In fact, I have 500 dome coins in my boot.

I'll offer you 500 dome coins for the rights to the movie if you'll accept it. You think dome coins are your ally? I'm brave. For Batman. Invest I'm Bane. For Batman. Invest now in Bane coins. One Bane coin is worth two dumb coins and two dumb coins is worth two...

Gotham coin must be saved. Take Bane coin to the moon. Oh my god. Yeah, Bane's. I was wondering which would break first. Your spirit or your Bane coin. Damn it, dude.

I fucking... Yeah, I mean, it's all the... I'm loving the idea of people checking this out after listening to this chopper. Oh, yeah. No, it's going to be so awesome, dude. People are like, yeah, these two guys, they're from Texas. They know about the Texas stuff. Let me tune in and see what they have to say about the Eagle Pass situation. And then it's just me and you being like,

what if the guy from True Detective wasn't mystical? He was just, like, just boring and was like, yeah. What if he was Foghorn Leghorn? Oh, it seems I done kidnapped this here minor. Oops. Everybody, and my father is my uncle and my mama is my sister. Oops. Everybody, my father is my uncle and my mama is my sister.

And because of that, I, in order to satisfy the deep blackness within my spirit, must eat children. Out in the woods, molesting my mom in his hood. My dad's in the shed and his mouth is shut, shut, shut. Oh, I tied up my dad. Oh, I tied up my dad. Did you see the guy that chopped his dad's head off to declare war against Biden? It just happened right before we started the show. I watched the video.

It was not great. No, in fact, I know nothing about it. Yeah, literally right before we got on together um my buddy cameron shout out to my buddy cameron he was like oh this guy uh on youtube uh declares war on president biden and on the u.s um to fight against the woke mafia the leftist woke mafia i watched the video super not good don't go looking for it. It doesn't show him cutting off his dad's head. The video opens up and it's like one of those like politics YouTubers, but it's just clearly like the kid, like his laptop camera. And he's like, for far too long, the woke leftist mob has destroyed our precious cities and has taken what it means to be a Western citizen in a beautiful powerful christian country my father reaches he

reaches over i'm pausing he reaches over to the right i didn't know what he was going to grab i thought maybe like a gun these guys like to show their guns my father is a federal we're back now my father's a federal employee and he worked for this regime reaches to the right and then he pulls out his dad's head recently cut off, still bleeding. Eyes are all fucked up and mouth agape in terror, you know. And in the rest of the video is him being like, I declare war on wokeness and on leftism and on President Biden. You know how much you got to hate gay guys to cut your dad's fucking head off, dude? Like, there's homophobia,

and then there's like, I'm going to cut my dad's head off that's how much I hate immigrants. You know what I mean? Like, I can't stand that. I've never even considered the idea of cutting my dad's head off. Not cutting his head off.

You know, maybe. Yeah, well, I get what you mean. I mean, you know, I never, maybe like a little stab or something. Yeah, never cutting his head off. That's fucking barbaric. Yeah, no, that's like, you gotta like, that's crazy. Yeah, well, he was like. That's a lot of work also.

He didn't open up with the head on the desk. He looked just like one of those Matt Walsh ripoff guys. Kind of very pale and angular. You know, very like, the world used used to we used to have batting cages and now we have fucking rapping pages and then he just fuck he does the stupid shit that we do we used to have we used to have a country and now we have a freaking rap music video here's my dad's fucking head and then just shows it to like his fucking macbook camera and it's he's got it wrapped in saran wrap and although like i don't know i don't want to i don't want to spoil your your night but it's pretty fucked up dude it's been on youtube for

like seven hours they haven't taken it off they'll take you off youtube if you say pussy too many times there's just a guy with his dad's fucking whole ass head cut off And he's like I'm gonna save Seattle And I cut my dad's fucking head off Anyway Cameron fuck you for sending me that video You know I can't resist shit like that You know You can't send me He sent me and he was like trigger warning

This guy cut his dad's head off Listen to a guy like me I don't wanna watch it but you know I'm gonna click on it That's just the way I roll I've been that way my whole life So you know I'm going to click on it. That's just the way I roll. I've been that way my whole life. So, you know, fuck you, Cameron. You know I can't resist seeing something that's going to fuck my night up.

Anyway, if you guys want to see a guy's head cut off, it's probably... Yeah, I actually looked into it. It turns out other guys have also killed their fathers. Yeah, it happens a lot. Turns out that's a big, big pursuit. One of my favorite replies to the video. Well, not the video, but it was a news article. And then somebody had linked the YouTube video that was still up. Reply to the OG news article was a bunch of checkmark, you know, like checkmark conservative, like anti-woke guys or whatever.

Whatever the fuck that means. Yeah. And they were like, hmm, seems staged. Seems like the deep state is trying to divide us again. The guy cut his dad's head off what i don't understand yeah this probably didn't happen no dudes people cut people's heads off here like it's not as common as maybe in like fucking tanzaniers i don't fucking know saudi arabia they cut people's heads off but people you know they go nuts and then they they cut people up and you know, whatever. Yeah. Happens a lot. Yeah.

It's not uncommon. And I know I recently watched True Detective season one. So I kind of consider myself a bit of a detective myself. You're not detecting anything. The crime has been solved. He's in jail. He didn't get away with it. He YouTubed himself.

Right. But I figured it out pretty quick. What? the detective? I figured it out pretty quickly that the guy probably did it. As soon as you told me the whole story. Oh. Yeah, the video sounds like hard evidence to me.

Yeah, dude, honestly, you could... They should check the head for fingerprints. You could have a serious career in law enforcement. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, uh... Don't... There's no need to joke about law enforcement. They do a lot of good stuff. I'm just kidding. They smoke.

Like sucking my dick. Yeah, fuck you, dude. Fuck 12. Fuck 12. ACAB, motherfucker. Fuck 12, dude. Fuck those cops. Fuck police officers. Fuck the fire department. Yeah, fuck the... Fuck those cops. Fuck police officers. Fuck the fire department. Yeah, fuck the fucking registered nurses. Actually, I kind of think I might mean that shit.

I don't know. Not every registered nurse, but I think I have a 20% success rate of interacting with a nurse and enjoying that. They almost always are really annoying, and they have more gum than teeth and that i envy that what you want to have i wish i had i wish i had more gums you want to have the gum to teeth ratio like the fucking no i just wish i had more gums left than oh yeah mine are completely received mine yeah you're right like what hey i'm like i'd rather have fucked up looking race thomas brilliant idea i fucking love where your head's at all of the girls who have Completely received. You're right. I'm like, I'd rather have fucked up looking ratio.

Thomas, brilliant idea. I fucking love where your head's at. All of the girls who have engaged Texas A&M registered nurse gums, they can donate their gums to guys like you and me who smoke too many cigarettes and drink too much and fucking did whatever the fuck, or bad genes too that led us to have gum recession, so we can have normal ass gums.

And then they can have, we can meet in the middle. You won't look like a fucking cryptid and then I will get to keep my teeth a little longer, you know? Everybody wins. I like that idea. You won't look, when you take your engagement photos

and you smile, it won't look like you're a creature that lives fucking beyond time and you're older than Jesus type deal. I can't stand it, dude. I know that I'm being mean, but that I don't. I'm not kidding. Zero percent success rate in interacting with those people.

Zero. None. I can't. It doesn't help that they're always very rude. It doesn't help that they're never just chill. A girl that's like, Hi! Like, uh-uh. Get the fuck out of here.

They're never just fucking like, you know, they're always, we gotta make a fucking hassle out of this. Everything. Coffee, sicknesses, getting married.

Congratulations, your husband works for John Deere. That's awesome. I wish I could work for John Deere, and then I could have a jacket that said John Deere. That's awesome. I wish I could work for John Deere and then I could have a jacket that said John Deere on it.

That's my thoughts. Dude, the McCoy's headquarters is like right by my house. I didn't know that until I drove past it the other day. And I probably drove

past it like a hundred times. Yeah, the fucking, you know what McCoy, the tractor? The fucking farm? Yeah, it's right by my house. Which makes sense. There's a bunch of

fucking ranches out here. Yeah. He's a real McCoy. Yeah, it's right by my house. Which makes sense. There's a bunch of fucking ranches out here. Yeah. You're the real McCoy. Yeah, I fucking guess so, dude. If you're listening to this shit, that means that you are listening to the free episode of Pendejo Time. And if you thought this was great,

if you like Foghorn Leghorn Detective, if you like fucking Charles Barkley Soul Dome, if you like Soul Coin, if you like fucking Dome Coin, if you like Sha like soul coin. If you like fucking dome coin. If you like Shaq, he don't got no damn dome. If you thought that was good. Then head on over to patreon.com slash pandejo time. Tell them what they get, Thomas.

For $5 a month, you get an extra audio episode every week that's for a month. And also access to our exclusive discord which is very active channels for any interests that you have that are legal you know and normal or slightly weird yeah that's kind of a that's a bad lead-in when you're like we've got a discord and you can talk about anything in there and we have something for every interest because discord sucks yeah yeah yeah uh if you're please don't if you're a pedophile please don't come you like pictures of hitler with cat ears and a cat's tail yeah not the discord for you

but um yeah and uh check us out on instagram and uh on Oh, and $10 a month gets you a video episode every month. And we recently put out a free video episode on our YouTube. Check that out. So check that out. If you like it, we've got a big backlog of video episodes on Patreon. I don't want to give you a wrong number, but we've been doing them for like a year or two. So we've got a lot. They're awesome.

But anyway, thank you if you're just now checking out the show uh earnestly thank you for checking us out this isn't your cup of tea that's okay if it is welcome aboard um if this isn't your cup of tea and you just listen to it for an hour and seven minutes that's's kind of cool. I respect it. You're just like, fuck these guys. I'll wait to see if something good happens. Yeah, no. But yeah, thank you for listening. And if you have been listening since the beginning

or whether you've only been around for a few weeks or whatever, thanks for coming along for the ride, Holmes. We appreciate it. We're just two white boys making it happen. Two white boys making it happen and fucking shooting for the Rye Homes. We appreciate it. We're just two white boys making it happen. Two white boys making it happen and fucking shooting for the fucking moon. And if you don't like it, don't fucking listen to it. You piece of shit.

If you don't like it, you fucking stupid ass bitch. Yep, that's right. Adios!