Pendejo Time - Uncle Sam [Feat Sam @RealOnlineBoy

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

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you know we don't have to redo that three two one what were you saying what was the song you were just singing some people call me the space cowboy no i think it was a little differently than that man some people call me the mouse cheesy no some people call me the rodent of love no i think it was something about like it was a type of people call me cheesy rodent of love. No, I think it was something about, like, it was a type of criminal. Some people call me cheesy. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Because I squeak and I eat little bugs. We got a special guest today. Welcome, Sam, onto the show.

Welcome. Real online boy if you're online. You're New York's most prolific serial killer. And a lot of people don't want to talk about that. Thank you for coming on the show again. We're in beautiful Bed-Stuy with my good friend Thomas' new place. Take a look.

Take a look around you. Take a look. It looks fucking awesome, doesn't it? Don't you like all the stuff I have up? I like the minimalist approach. Yeah. Well, I just got here and then a bunch of people showed up to my house

and wanted to take videos of it, so that's awesome. Hey, guys, if you got anything to say about how you think you should be decorated or something just let jake know and he'll pass that along for you you know um pass it along to you yeah i'll tell you yeah hey uh rape hitler uh 219 said that you need more paintings on your wall he also said that i need to adjust the volumes and and also said I need to kill myself. Well, he's right here, so you can save your faces. Hey, hey. What's up, guys?

Ray Piller here. Anyway, we need to talk about something really serious. What's that? Before we get started, I'd like to talk about the allegations against Jake. We've heard it all. we've seen it all and up to this point we've been dodging it we've been dodging it hard because we haven't we haven't been sure what to say you know but there are no out he he he may have tweeted a couple weeks ago that he was looking to have a brat summer. Yeah.

And we've been adjusting with that change. We've been adapting to it. But the best, all we can do right now is pray and act as if he was still here with us today. I'm right here. I wouldn't have agreed to come on if I'd known about this. Yeah, yeah. Well, the thing about it is I'm right here. I wouldn't have agreed to come on if I'd known about this. Yeah, yeah. Well, the thing about it is I'm getting older. You know, I want

to have one last summer. A lot older. I want to have one last summer where I just fucking throw my hole around town. You know what I mean? Taxi drivers, guys that work at head shops, fucking Uber drivers. They give head shops to you. Line cooks, yes. I want to get fucked by the nastiest

seediest types of guys guys with neck tattoos guys with less teeth than they have neck tattoos you know what i mean uh guys with short fat ones guys with long skinny ones you know what i mean really what it is those are honorable both honorable groups of people yeah fair yeah i just i feel myself getting older and it's just man man, I don't. We all do. We all feel you getting older. It's just nice to have another nice and, you know, we're not guaranteed every week, you know, but we have another week where Jake is still with us and alive and for right now in good health.

Yeah, you never know. And, you know, I don't know how, and I've prayed for the opposite a lot of weeks. But he's still here. He's still alive, I guess. And so we'll keep doing the show. Unfortunately, yeah. You know, we'll keep as if Jake were here with us today.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Sam, you told me a horrible secret on the way over. And I was in tears. You don't have to divulge that if you don't want to. But what do you... Oh, wait. Did he actually tell you a horrible secret?

Yeah. Yeah, he did. And it was super bad. But we probably can't even say it on the show, can we? No, what was it? It was... No, don't. I can't say it.

It's not mine to tell. But it was um no i can't say it's not mine to tell but it was bad it was like damn you should be a test in your he should be in jail okay i told you that he said he was gonna have a brad summer yeah yeah that was it no um but getting down to business i think we should start this off on a really serious note and work up to happiness from there. The funniness. Okay, yeah, yeah. Brad Summer. Brad Summer. Charlie XCX, we're very sad about it.

She has been killed in an airstrike. She got blown up. It landed straight into her pussy and blew her up from the inside out. I was really hoping to fuck her. That's the new Department of Homeland. That's really bad news for me. It's disintegrated. It's part of the universe.

How's her asshole? I don't care. That's gross. I draw the line at that, buddy. I'm not going to. The new Department of Defense pussy missile? No, it hit the back of her head Oh okay

But She was just planning To go on tour with You know All the other people You know All the Chapeau Rowan

And Penis Johnson You said Chapeau Rowan Chapeau Chapeau Rowan Chapeau Rowan Chapeau Rowan Who's the other one

Fucking You know The Hunter Hunter Gay guy Hunter Gay 100 Rome. Who's the other one? Fucking, you know, the Hunter Gay Guy. Hunter Gags. Hunter Gags. Yeah, Hunter Gags. Tony Molesto.

That's not one of the guys. Yeah, he has that song. Is he an Italian hyper-popper? Yeah, Tony Molesto. He's got great songs called Let Me See It Now. And he's got another great song called I Said Let Me See It Now. I Show You Mine, You Show Me Yours. Yeah, I Show You Mine. Let's Play Doctor.

Don't Tell Anybody, Don't Talk to Anybody About This. I haven't heard any of those. My favorite Tony Molesto song is probably... Once again, horrible horrible insulation here but everybody just got home from work Jake's fucking yelling like a retard in here I'm trying to I'm trying to have a good ass time I'm having a good time I'm having it but like I said we can't be laughing in here we can't be having a good time in here what kind of podcast do you want to run dude we can't be don't smile all right don't think about something podcast do you want to run, dude? We can't be. Don't smile.

All right. Don't. Think about something really bad. I want to have a moment of silence for the worst thing that ever happened. And that was. That'll happen in two years. So don't even worry about it yet. Okay.

Let's have a moment of silence for what will happen. Moment of silence for what I'm going to do in two years. Listen, it's going to make a lot of people sick. It is going to change the way you look at everything. Me? Those with eyes left afterwards. Yeah. I'm going to make Chernobyl look like it was, like somebody dropped an ice cream cone. You know what I mean?

I know it's not great for podcasts, and we could get that a little bit. I'm a hot boy right now. It is hot in the Big Apple. Sam doesn't like it when I have the AC set on 80 degrees. That's why I dress like a fucking... I got short shorts. I got a t-shirt. I'm still cooking.

That's okay. That's okay. And it's important to be honest, isn't it? I was going to put this right between you two, but I was like, that literally looks like a gay porn. like a gay porn where it's like what did you do it i didn't want it i didn't want all of us to have to face that you know what i mean it's weird to all three just be like right i feel like yeah i feel like the camera's in the cuck chair right now you know the angle it's like sneaking up on us i like that it wants you to pull yeah it wants you to pull on

a little bit get a little shit yeah anyway uh my other favorite tony mojito song probably is uh thomas stop probably thomas thomas stop yeah i heard that one yeah i've heard that i've heard that i hopped on the remix for that one yeah yeah i was in the i was in the backup vocals i kept going i ain't gonna stop yeah i'm gonna keep going ain't gonna stop, it's okay to do it if the guy you're doing it to is a molester. Yeah. No, he's not a molester. This is a family name. His name is Tony Molesto.

He's got a, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's just his name? Yeah, his dad is. He's a DJ. He's an Italian. Okay, yeah. Italian EDM hyperpop DJ. In Italian, Molesto means like market.

It means great. Tony Grocery Store is what it's called. Yeah, yeah. It would'll be america hey it's tony groceries tony walmart tony target anyway you were like you were saying i ain't gonna stop i ain't gonna stop i'm gonna keep going i ain't gonna stop gonna keep going it's a motivational thing yeah yeah it's a motivational workout song. I won't keep going. I'll never stop. Sway dripping.

Hurting you. Screaming at myself. It burns in my bones. Tony Molesto's new song, Thomas Stop, featuring Thomas on backing vocals. Thomas Stop, in parentheses, I ain't gonna stop. Great song. Great Thomas, stop. In parentheses, I ain't going to stop. Great song. Great track, even. I heard it in Ibiza.

I was taking drugs with Drake and... Where is that? Is that in Spain or something? Yeah, some island off the coast of Spain. A lot of like... I took a pill in Ibiza. So bitch, you would think I'm cool. Remember that old Mike Posner song?

That was like low-key lit as fuck. You guys ever hear that one? Mike Posner's a funny name. Yeah, he's got Paz in the name. Yeah, because he's fucking positive, dude. Just like a 33-year-old dude at a fucking fucking, what is it, Columbia, like cool parties. Like, dude, that fucking December of 2016 was the best summer of my life. Jordan Belt.

Belt. Remember that one? You probably were too young to remember that one. You were probably too fucking young, bitch. You probably were fucking 12 years old. Back then, I was fucking going to dates to Sonic. Yeah, back then. I was doing crazy shit you could never imagine. Me and my boys, we used to get my buddy's GMC

and we'd just drive around. We'd just eat fast food in there. Yeah, we would get in my buddy's sign TC and we would fucking throw eggs at black people. We'd play video games, you know. Yeah, we would throw eggs

at Mexican people. Yeah, that's better. I get it. We would throw eggs at Chinese people. There we go. That's okay. Where I'm from,

you had to look for Chinese people. You had to throw eggs at Filipino people. There we go. That's okay. Where I'm from, you had to look for Chinese people. You had to throw eggs at Filipino people. And everybody would be like. Not even, to my knowledge, I've never seen. Not real. Isn't there a thing that some Chinese people eat that's like an egg soaked in piss? Am I crazy? Did I dream that?

Yes. You 100% dreamed the Chinese. Is a piss egg a real thing? No, they have a thing called a century old egg where you bury an egg in the dirt for like 100 years. But isn't there also a piss egg? I'm 99% positive that Chinese people do not eat piss eggs. Well, literally millions of people in China, that kind of Chinese person, not like American Chinese people, do drink piss.

The real ones, he means. The real ones. The real ass motherfuckers. I'm not saying most of them, but literally millions. Okay, see, look. I'm going to Google this. I came at you very confident. I did not know that. I'm going to Google this. I came at you very confident. I did not know that.

I'm going to Google piss egg real quick. I don't think... Great Twitter account, piss egg. We were hanging out in a signed TC, and we were fucking... And now here you are in NYU in Columbia, and you want to be a sexy girl? You want to be hot?

I'm going to be hot as hell. And I'm a freak. Virgin boy egg. According to Wikipedia Wikipedia the dish is prepared by first soaking the eggs in the urine of young boys then the mixture is heated over a stove after boiling the entire surface of the eggshells

are cracked and they are placed back into the urine the used urine is then replaced with fresh urine and the process is repeated and this is a traditional dish of Dong Yang Zhejiang, China. So I didn't dream that.

There's a traditional dish. Not only is it a piss egg, it's a boy's piss egg. It's a virgin boy. It's called a virgin boy egg. You eat that for breakfast every morning. Oh, man. I fucking overcooked it today. All that piss for nothing.

Imagine you're hanging out like last night. You're just hanging out with a bunch of those drunk fucking morons. I have to stand up. I'm like, dude, I'm going to get some grub. We're going to go to Adam's place. What are you guys going to get? I had pizza last night. We just had a swarm the other day.

Dude, I could go for a virgin boy egg really bad. Any of you guys know any boys that could piss in a pot for me? I'll cook us up like 16 yellow eggs. Dude, imagine you're eating your son's piss egg and you realize he got pussy. You're like, this tastes wrong. Come downstairs. Show me your penis. Going around door to door.

Put your balls on the scale. Oh, my God. They're lighter. Now, you jerk off right now. I know you know how to. You're a fucking loser. Now, you know you know how to You fucking loser Now you think you're cool You think you're cool

Fucking You're gonna run a train on Our whole family I'm so glad I didn't make that up It's one of those things where you're like I'm so glad I didn't make that up I have this thing where I'm like Hey not too much on the channel

You're just saying your notes We do weird I just Oh I knew I'd written this down before. It's a picture of you writing it in like a quill pen. Like a feather. Yeah. I knew I had this somewhere saved. You open your scroll. It's just the recipe.

Sometimes I think to myself like, ah, you know, we do some weird stuff here. And that's true. Like, easy on the Chinese guys. Take it easy. But then you hear that. Yeah, you're like, well, we don't do anything such as that. I don't know, dude. There's a lot of girls out here that fuck dogs. They get fucked by

dogs. Guys. A lot? Do you think it is as many as people? I would say probably a million white women in a country of 300 million, 350. Here's something crazy we did. We elected a damn Cheeto into office. Thank you. Thank you. And his name was dongus trump

yeah yeah dongus yeah i just want to fucking i don't know i want to call him darth trump myself oh yeah call him i'll call him fucking yeah more like mussolini yeah i call him fart but i was watching yeah butt tower more like watching. Yeah, butt tower more like. Yeah, more like butt penis. Yeah, more like a Trump tower, more like butt powder because he has to put it on because his fucking ass is so fat. It's too fat. It's so big and juicy. And it's sweaty.

He gets a red chafe under his butt. It's sweaty. Yeah, because he's got, he's fucking, he's got something in there. He spread it open. Yeah. Yeah, he's getting. He's got shit in there probably. He's getting fucked by Putin.

I have genuinely wondered. People probably put stuff in there, you know, something. I really want someone to do an insider book that talks about the visceral experience of being like a staffer there. I want to know what he smells like. Does he blow up a bathroom so bad that like you have to like move the meeting to another room? Because there's no way his dumps are not really wild. What if he was like a pussy genius? He just knew his way around it.

He said publicly he does not eat pussy. Stormy Daniels said that he fucked awesome. No, she said he fucked terrible. No? Is that true? Yes, she said he was terrible. There was like a porn star or maybe an ex-girlfriend of his that said that he fucked good. I think it was Ivana.

Oh, okay. And he's his daughter. His daughter's like, my dad fucked his shit out of me. Yeah, he knows his way around a pussy, let me tell you. Yeah, yeah. No, I thought maybe they said somebody had like a big penis or something, but I don't know. He said on the marriage ref in 2007 when he was on with Adam Carolla and some lady whose name I'm forgetting. He was like, I forget exactly how he

phrased it, but they alluded to pussy eating and he was like, I actually don't do such things. There's a quote from that that is, no one except me and a few of my friends and people I've told about seem to know it, but he was on this show, which was The Marriage Ref, where Tom Pappas, the comedian, would

take videos from couples that were married and then have these celebrities mediate their disputes. And Trump was one of the people. And the video was something about driving. And they cut from the video. And Tom Pappas says to Trump, for some reason, I can't picture you driving. And I don't know why, but this kills. And people are laughing so hard.

And Trump waits for them to stop laughing. And he goes, I actually consider it a great honor to drive. I actually really love to do it. I consider it a great honor to drive. I think that's so funny to consider driving a car to be not just an honor, a great honor. It's crazy that he convinced, like, guys across the country and across the world who, like, hate New York and hate gay little dances. He is a New Yorker who does the gayest little dances. I new york and hate gay little dances he is a

new yorker who does the gayest little dance i mean it's been said but he is a fucking queen no he's a queenie new york liberal like if you when people like i like my mom refuses to believe i'm like this guy is like this guy is a liberal from like 1988 like that's what he is and she's like no he's a conservative and i'm like listen to me there's a a type of New York rich homo that's a dying breed. I'll say this. A dying breed. The things with his hands are so. He gets so much pussy that he may have all fucked guys just because he got so much pussy.

Prince style pussy getting. And then two, he had a fuck ton of money. He loved musicals. And they think guys like Walter Mondale are like the future of this country they're a dying breed but whatever that's donald trump remember he tweeted about like i just uh a green day the music with melania and we loved it what did he love about that also when he's like i you have a really good drum impression but i like when he they've as he's gotten older they've gotten, but I like when he – as he's gotten older, they've gotten worse. But I like when he just – he clearly has ADD or something because he'll be like, bread.

Oh, we have the best bread. It's the best. We make the best bread. And anybody who says different, yeah, probably English or something. And everybody's behind him. He is so good with an audience. There's no such thing as bombing for him because he'll'll be like, Bugs, they're in my skin. And the whole...

The guys are fucking flexing their neck muscles. I've watched whole rallies of his a bunch of times. And he'll often have a place in the middle where he'll start strong and then he'll go into one of his pet grievances. And the crowd will just get kind of quiet and just let him go. And he'll talk about... I remember one time he was talking about... We have these... Watch out for that. one of his pet grievances. Yes. And the crowd will, they'll just get kind of quiet and just let him go. Yeah. And he'll talk about, I remember one time he was talking about,

we have these battleships. Watch out for that. Oh, watch out for that. Did I get it? No, you did. We have these battleships and they redesigned them and they're really ugly

and I told the generals, this looks awful and they said, I know, sir, but it has to be this way and I said, it's wrong the way that you did it.

The way you did it is so, and people are like, he's complaining about the design of a battleship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, obviously his complaint doesn't actually make sense, but the crowd is just like, then he realizes he's gone on too long and be like, and what Sleepy Joe has done to the wall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But he likes to experiment in the middle with a pet grievance. He'll talk about those toilets, like the, they don't have enough water to flush the toilets. There's something with the toilets. They don't want us to be able to flush right. But people actually like that one.

That's not one of his experiences. The gas stoves. Yeah, it's all that shit. Like, he'll make... I think certain people's grievances and anger is tied to his. Because I remember for, like, three months, it was like, you're not taking my gas stove, you, like, liberal homo. And I was like, your fucking gas stove?

Like, people were at, like... They at, they'd be at protests or whatever. This was right on time of the teacher strike. And people would have these signs that were like, try and take my gas stove, I'll kill you. And it's like, a stove. You people, I don't give a fuck. Whatever political aisle you fucking walk around in, I don't care.

Some people, usually in my experience, I don't know, there usually in my experience i don't know there's a lot of shrillness on the other side too but like if you're mad about a stove mk ultra worked you know what i mean like they don't need lsd they just if you are threatening to kill people with a gun because somebody's like you think they're gonna make you get an electric stove because it's gay yeah they got djd baby yeah yeah they got they got tony djd djd tony molesto thomas how's your penis is it soft it's good sorry i'm sleepy but is that is that blowing on you just kind of making you tired no i'm good or is it the french fries no and i think it's uh i think i ate a lot

and now i'm it's making me sleepy but you guys are being funny i'm just letting you yeah i i heard you over there just kind of, just, you know. I realized that for people watching, I was just probably just staring into the distance. While you two talked on either side, I was in the middle like this. And then I was like, look at the people talking. You're being weird. People think you hate them, and you don't.

Stop doing that. I was going to say the fucking, I've noticed lately that the club has gotten smaller. Like that girl that said the soft A N word and like, okay, she got thrown out with the bathwater when they found out that she had like a not white son and she's a single mother. And then she immediately tried to pivot to like center right centrist. Yeah.

Yeah. It did not work. No. And then that this UFC guy, Jake Shields, He's like- Anti-woke snow bunny. Yeah. The trad snow bunny. I'll be making my man sandwiches. With some mustard on it and some ham and some turkey.

Yeah, they're all coming- I'll be baking my man Cheetos. I'll put them in the oven and get them toasty for him. Fresh homemade Cheetos. I'll be making Mountain Dew. A snow bunny tried to wipe it with the apron pulling out of it. I've been making my husband fresh Takis out the oven. My son comes home from daycare and he gets fresh Mountain Dew. She's a pitcher of Mountain Dew.

She's stirring. She's just churning Dr. Pepper into a big fucking piece of wood. Like butter churner. Every day my husband come from work, you know what he get? He get fresh Taco Bell bean burrito made by me. And then I suck his dick so sloppy he has to wipe his butt. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the thing I was joking about with Cameron. Like, you probably know like a Northeast version of this, but I was like, the trad wives that people talk about, the Instagram stuff, that's all clout-chasing content bullshit. A real ride or die for her man trad wife is a 185-pound, 5'3 white woman

who drinks Dr. Pepper out of a 64-ounce tumbler from rural Alabama or Texas, Midland or Odessa, will get into a fist fight with her husband. If the waiter is mouthing off to him or something, will knock a waitress, grown man or woman,

out. Every day that man comes home from the oil rig, fresh plate of spaghetti, garlic bread, and sucks his shit bone dry two or three times he don't even have to ask they're not like smooth skinned like 36 measurements with 36 25 they're not stacked they're not 10 out of 10 ig thotties they look like the fucking l the gnomes in lord of the ring they're like fucking they look like little linebackers dude and people are like i'm like oh oh, trad wife, trad wife.

No, you want an Instagram girl and a sundress. That's fine. Anybody would want that. That's okay. If you want a trad wife, you need to go to the T-Ball games. Look for a lady there who's alone, pissed drunk off Coors Light. Drunk as shit, who's yelling at the umpire, who's there volunteering, by the way, not getting paid. I'm going to come down there and beat that ass.

who's there volunteering, by the way, not getting paid. I'm going to come down there and beat that ass. That is a lady who will every day, if you come home from work and you want to work hard because you're a blue-collar patriot Christian traditionalist, right? You're going to weld every goddamn day for 16 hours a day, and you're going to come home, and that lady, she's probably a three out of ten. Your balls will weigh nothing.

They will cease to. So many of my friends from back home, they'll meet the, hey, this is Jenna. Jenna's like, hey, how you doing, cocksucker? And I'm like, oh my God. And then they're just sitting there like chugging Coors Light,

fucking punching their husband in the leg. Doing like punch buggy, but she's punching him way harder. You can't tell him anything. Hey, dude, we're going to go. Well, you got an asshole lady. Yeah, you can go. I don't want to talk to me.

Shit. That's trad wife it's not i was today today i made my husband some oat and like one of her one of her titties is just kind of out and you're like this isn't yeah this isn't this isn't trad this is porno there's a really funny account on twitter it's like has a big thread that's like is this traditional is this genuinely a traditionalist wife or a conservative or is this soft core pornography? 90% of the time. They just like analyzes it from like a media perspective and is like, okay, is the camera angled in such a way where her side boob bounces as she needs bread? Yes, that's 80% of it. It's like that's pornography.

You're not. I made my husband yogurt today. Great. In the video is like one of your fucking, like your armpit is exposed for like, look, this is not. Today I made my kids golden graham crackers from scratch. Why are your lips shiny?

Like why is the camera? And so why is your face wet? Today I made ice cream with my boobs yeah i squeezed my titties into a jar and turned it yeah yeah today i made pussy crackers this is where i put a sleeve of crackers into my pussy and then i put my pussy in the oven and it's like a dutch oven for crackers today today i made cream i used my vaginal yeast to make bread dude somebody actually did that did you see that today i made um hard candy out of diapers i've been wearing for a couple terrible yeah tasted like my kids are gonna be so happy they've been waiting in

the car it's been turned off for about six hours while i've been making these booby cakes booby cake booby cake my my husband said he wanted some pussy so i'm making it from scratch this is home fried pussy she's just she'd make it for scratch she's just scratching her pussy yeah it's like uh these are um these are my homemade icicles they're really awesome and they're like clearly like penis shaped yeah yeah the camera's in the oven her whole family is like is like sucking on them at These are my homemade icicles. They're really awesome, and they're clearly penis-shaped. Yeah, yeah. The camera's in the oven. Her whole family is sucking on them. Oh, mom, these are awesome.

The camera's in the oven, right? She shot the camera's in the oven. She opens it and slides in a pan of just pussy lint. She puts the oven in her pussy. Today we're going to make home-fried pussy it's hey we're about to run it's like uh like that barbecue joint in austin where you have to wait three guys we're almost at home fried pussy so if you're in line stay in line but don't go home but just know that if you just got in line we're gonna be at a home fried pussy soon so um you know i wanted to make something special today

it's my son's fifth birthday so i'm actually making placenta sourdough. And I've been saving it for a long time. Nasty. I think a weird hippie lady is eating their placenta, making like a tuna salad out of placenta. Yeah, they always make such a big deal out of it. In Mexico, they just do sort of a chicharrones type thing. You know what I mean? They just fucking put it on the griddle.

Yeah, just put some salt. Yeah, when white women uh eat the placenta it's too spicy for them yeah they say oh can we get some mayo for this they're yeah if you catch my drift there was like one of those like vice like like right after when vice went from like i went to the front lines of the Chechen Civil War. My name's Connor shit pussy, and I'm here. And then when it went from that to like, I met a transgendered cocaine dealer in Bolivia who's also a pedophile. His name's Tony.

One of those was this girl who made a bunch of bread from her vaginal yeast. Oh, yeah, I remember that. And I was like, listen, man. Would you take a bite? No. No, man. Would you take a bite? No. No, bro. I'd watch someone else take a bite and gauge their reaction. And depending on how they reacted, I would maybe take a bite out of curiosity.

It probably doesn't affect anything. You know what I mean? Probably doesn't. Probably doesn't. I'd want to see someone else take a bite first. But I would probably take a bite. I would not because that's. I'm also single.

Right. Yeah. I think not because that's... I'm also single. Right, yeah. I think your girlfriend... Calling my fiancee like... I think it wouldn't be that weird if you just licked the bread. Or just... Can you sniff the bread? Is that okay? What if you just soaked it in water and then you threw the bread away and you drank the

Is it cheating to sniff your buddy's fingers? You put the bread in your ass. Dude, my dad... Dude, I was in like eighth grade. I went on a date at the movie theater. When my dad picked me up, he was like, let me smell your fingers. Oh, my God. I was like, bro, I'm a fucking teenager, dude.

Had you been fingering in the theater? No, actually, no. When I was 14, I had a girlfriend in middle school. Despite looking like death metal Chris Griffin, I had a girlfriend. And we would fool around in movie theaters, but we would just pick whatever the longest movie was. So I did more than two hours of fingering watching Madea's Family Reunion. That's an awesome movie. And it was terrible, but I did not give a fuck.

I was just trying to do as much. My fingers were so tired. I got jacked off to the Lorax. Dude, I think it was like my first blowjob was across the universe. In the theater? No. It was like a DVD rip. Nice.

The one where it's like a guy sets his – we just had a – This film is – Like ice movies or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I remember like – I remember thinking like I don't like the Beatles. I don't. You still don't? No. Wow don't like the Beatles I don't you still don't? no

wow I love the Beatles no I very influential clearly but like I just just do it for you no but I remember thinking like this is like her favorite

movie this girl and she loved the Beatles and I think this may have been like really important to her I was like wow this is a shitty blowjob but I fucking hate this band the Beatles and I think this may have been like really important to her.

I was like wow this is a shitty blowjob and I fucking hate this band. And like people always talk about like their first I was like oh you want it like when you're a teenager like I want it to be special or whatever you know like as I at the beach under the stars or I think girls think about that. I don't think guys think about that shit at all. You're like

in the back of a truck and I don't want my balls to hurt too bad. I wanted it think about that. I don't think guys think about that shit at all. You're like, in the back of a truck, and I don't want my balls to hurt too bad. Yeah. I wanted it to be special. That's nice. That's nice. I remember around 13 being like, I don't care if it's with the dirt. I don't care if it's with a dog. No, just kidding.

But I was just like, no. I'm like, anyway. He done fucked a dog. Dude. Me? No, he done fucked a dog. I fucked a dog. me no he done fucked a dog damn that sucks um uh if you did you ever go to like a buddy's place when you're in junior high or high school and it

just it smelled like cum like in his room like i had a we had a friend who was like a straight gooner and you go over to his place to play video games. You're a gay gooner. Yeah, yeah. Come on, bro. Gay gooner. Oh, yeah, that smelled like butt in here. It literally just smelled like cum. I was like, dude, you gotta... My friend Edie Modica, very, very funny. She's been doing an hour recently, and she talks about when she was like, I think she

was like 16 or 17 or something. She had a boyfriend in high school, and she tells a story like, I wouldn't feel like swallowing when I was throwing him. Sometimes I'd jack him off off the the bed and he'd come on the floor and we'd call the dog it nope no dude fuck no dude fuck no it is horrifying but it is such a funny thing to tell people in an audience uh there's a comedian in uh who – Dude, so JT – My buddy JT books me to do this South by Southwest showcase to – So yeah, I guess a little over a year and a half ago.

And this girl, I think it's Ava Smart. I think that's what her name is. Trans woman. She went up at first and it it was a very corporate crowd. And she just starts talking about how the last guy that she slept with was like, say you're 12 or whatever. And she's like, oh, you know, I've got my stuff. So I'm like, oh, I'm 12 or whatever. I'm not going to do her whole bit because I'm going to fuck it up.

I'm not going to do it right. But anyway, everybody, the people in the audience were like because it's like you're coming you're coming from like the cia presents yeah mastercard presents da baby because that's what south by is now it's like visa presents fucking like young thug like it's just whatever so you're coming from that you probably make 150 000 a year in tech you've got a fuck and you're like i'm a comedy we were were talking about this. I'm a comedy fan. I love comedy. And you're like, awesome.

This girl's about to go up and say that her ex-boyfriend had a pedophile kink. Are you ready to deal with that? The next guy who goes on up after her is going to talk about how he caught his little brother fucking a dog. And they're like, yeah, it's a little offensive. I'm not trying to like make fun of these people whatever they're just normal normal interesting they have their own interests but i'm like like damn like it sucks to have that kind of be the base for the whole city or whatever we're talking about last night i just wish it was more woke yeah me too

i unironically want a woke dictator i'm i'm woke and i want to hear woke comedy. Yeah, me too. When I see like, I get so fucking mad when I'm like, because Hannah Gadsby can only put out so many specials. Yeah, you want her to do one a month. I want them to do one a month. Sorry, sorry. I really do. No, but if you fuck that up again, I'm going to kill you. Every fucking time I talk about Hannah Gadsby, you misgender them and it makes my blood fucking boil i can't stand it hannah gadsby a pioneer of the craft you will not disrespect their name

in my um in my apartment was going to say in my house don't own a house anymore don't own a house and I didn't either my dad did but you look because Hannah's doing all that they can it is so funny to

correctly gender that person why wouldn't you they're a non-binary person It is so funny to correctly gender that person. Why wouldn't you? They're a non-binary person. 42 years old and be like, this new identity I just heard about, that's what I've always been. Well, they are. And they is. Look, Hannah Gadsby. You've got Aziz Ansari is woke now, I think.

Again? No, no. Maybe. No. He is not. Do not misgender Zsansari. He's he him. I think he was woke, and then he got canceled for fingering badly.

No, he got canceled for kissing badly. He flicked his tongue out too early, and she thought it was weird, and then he was like, come on, please. And she was like, no. And he was like come on please and she was like no and he was like please and then he didn't rape her he was just like please have sex with me and she was like no man i'm good and he was like okay bitch and then and then he and then like he that came out and then i think most people could be like yeah that was kind of a fucking dork move on my part i should have just been like cool with her saying no for business he's like please please a

little bit of pussy please please and he's like no and he's like okay fuck did this i wonder but but then instead he's like i am now the dark master of comedy i'm the 4'11 Ricky Gervais. Yeah, yeah. A lot of guys get either rightfully or wrongfully me too'd and then they're like they become the comedians with the caution tape over their mouths. The thing with getting

me too'd when you didn't rape anybody is it's pretty easy to be like, hey we don't have to call this me too because I just turned out that it was just a miscommunication I think now if it happened now I think it went because that was like 2017 he was in the throes

of that show he could have been like this is stupid a lot of it's how you respond he didn't have to say it was stupid but he also didn't have to make a special where he had like 15 revolving cameras around him it was like it's time to get fucking serious I didn't see that I didn't have to make a special where he had like 15 revolving cameras around him. It was like, it's time to get fucking serious. I didn't see that.

I didn't see that. Yeah, he did. So in his next special he did, he had a bunch of cameras that were right here. And so he had a guy basically like right here, right next to him the whole time he was doing it. So he was kind of bombing because the crowd was like, why the fuck is there a guy right like next to him like not in the not just in the crowd but like fucking like like here yeah yeah imagine you're you're fucking you're watching a guy and there's another guy who won't get away from him and he's supposed to be there you know what i mean ruins the dynamic anyway i'm woke and anyway i'm woke and so you got h Gadsby and maybe Alana Glazer.

Who else? The Broad City bitches. Pussy Tina. It's funny how Broad City was a good show, and then they just had Hillary Clinton. I know. I love the first season. I like the second season. Then I was trying to watch the third season.

I forget. There was some joke in the first season. And then I was trying to watch the third season. And the first... I forget. There was some joke in the first episode that was like... Was it something like doing accents? And then someone was like, do Chinese. And she's like, it's 2015. That was the joke. And then the next episode was Hillary Clinton. And it's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Dude, so much good stuff. I feel like it's just like... What if it was Ilana Blazer and she smoked on some shit? Oh, shit. Sorry, I interrupted. What if it was Ilana Slaver and she owned human beings?

I don't think that would make sense. No, yeah, it would. She's a woman of color. Now I'm imagining Hamlet Burris in the show. I don't like the dynamic I'm picturing. Imagine how much better Slaver would have gone if it was just women of color

handling it. Yeah. Or gay guys. Probably would have been chill if they said white Irish slaves and it was just a girl boss telling me what to do. Or like a gay guy boss. I'd be picking squash or whatever. A black woman owning an Irish slave being like, pick the cotton. That is not my job. That is not my job.

Well, here's the thing about that is that that's racist. See, cotton is a racist crop. You know, if I make myself a white slave, I'm picking like squash or something, so then I'm a little bit removed from it. It's not even a cash crop, I don't think. You know, maybe I'm picking tomatoes and it's kind of nice. The weather's nice out and I have a sun hat on.

What if like slave hymnsns were sung by Irish guys instead? It was all slave jigs. Wade in the water, Wade in the water. Sorry, I won't stop. I keep forgetting you don't live in a house anymore. Yeah, the fucking... Yes, that was... Remember when I go visit my...

The Irish slaves calling the black slave owners the N-word was empowering. It was actually an empowering thing to do. I just imagine they probably couldn't sing well in that situation. They become Irish suddenly. It's a jig. It's like a jaunt. They're doing slave jigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. They come up with the worst version of Capoeira. I don't know. The Irish were just... They had a fucking... They had a way with singing. They're like pirate songs. So everything would be like, follow the drinking gourd.

Who are the pirates now? They're dead. They fell off. Somalians? They have... Yeah. They took our whole shit. It's so awesome that they do that shit.

They culturally appropriated pirates. In a plastic boat with like an old AK-47. It's kind of like the Shane bit where he's talking about, like, the guy throwing rocks at tanks or whatever. It's like, dude, every time I see one of those videos, I was like, dude, how starving and poor do you got to be to roll up on an aircraft carrier? Or a massive U.S., like, cruise ship or an oil tanker that you know is protected by like private armies or public armies with like an old aka grenade and you're in like a single engine like just a little shitty ass boat you gotta be hungry as fuck dude like that's like you know you're gonna die don't they throw like hot water on you and shit and like they just shoot you with blunderbusses and like they're fucking beanbag

rounds you're just rolling up on something that has a missile gun. A guy in a dinghy going up to like a carnival cruise ship. Right. I ain't the captain now. It's like with a nice tiki drink. I was going to say the fucking my dad's extended family had a bunch of land in East Texas.

They all sold it for beer money and shit but on my great aunt's side's side of her land, she had this lake with a bunch of catfish in it. We would go feed them dog food. You can feed catfish anything. You can feed them dog food. You can feed them fucking metal.

You can feed them nails if you want. They're fucking stupid animals, and they suck. Anyway, a little bit past the pond was this fenced-off area that was just like cotton. It was just growing. And I was like sitting out there with my dad. He was drinking a beer and drinking one with him and just smoking a cigarette. And just kind of taking it in the quiet.

And I was like doing math in my head. I was like, dad? He was like, yeah. I was like, how long has this been in y'all's family? He was like, oh, probably four or five generations. He said, your great-aunt's granddaddy got it. Probably, I don't know, 1800-something. Why?

And I was like, this cotton farm that we own, 18? Oh, boy. He started doing the, like, he's right behind me isn't he and it's just slavery like that you as like as john thomas like when we were doing the show i was like really into like genealogy stuff and like public records and like reading about like skull shapes yeah yeah where my family came from how white they were how did they maintain that whiteness guess the calipers on amazon yeah if I even have a drop I need to kill myself you know and um yeah I was like like everybody in the like all the men in the

family were like like landed in like 400 years ago and I guess you know one guy was like a steel magnet and then uh slavery happened and then we just all became dirt poor. It's just like drinking our own piss in Alabama somewhere. Making piss eggs. Making Chinese piss eggs. Yeah, and I was like, damn, dude. I've been working on trying to make this bit work as a stand-up thing for a long time and I'm like, you know, slavery's bad, but

man, we grew up pretty poor. It's like, it never gets any laughs because it's like, yeah, man. Slavery's bad, but is a funny beginning like yeah man it's like slavery's bad but is a funny beginning to a joke slavery's bad but yeah yeah yeah it's like it's a very fine line you have to walk but i'm always just like damn like we just couldn't have kept a little bit of it that during reconstruction you know what i mean when they're just like like like fucking nailing the south to the wall and rightfully so just just you couldn't just let us have like 100 grand back then

which is like a billion dollars now. Just let me keep some of that sweet, sweet. 100,000 slaves? No, 100,000 dollars. Why couldn't they have let us have 100,000 slaves? Why couldn't you just let me keep like 20 guys? What the fuck? Listen, okay. Why couldn't we have an Irish slave?

Make black slavery illegal. Okay, look. These guys are white, and they're really stupid. They're barely white, okay? What we're going to do is we're going to let you guys go free. Would you call them jiggers? Would that be what you'd call them? It's a J, and I'm not talking about Jewish people.

It's different. We're going to pay them and fucking nothing. Dude, my favorite type of back home guy on Facebook rant is the Irish were slaves to guy. It's like, okay, man, for a little while and not that many of them. Also, it's like they're doing pretty good now. Yeah, now they're fine. Yeah, they got Conor McGregor. They got Conor O'Mor. They got Romali.

They got a lot of great Connors, frankly. They got, who's the motherfucker? Liam Neeson. Yeah. Pissing his pants. He better go find a black bastard. Colin Farrell. Colin Farrell, he's Scottish.

Hot piece of ass. No, he's Irish. They got Cillian Murphy. Good actor. Yeah. You told me that you used to masturbate and think about him at night. I couldn't remember who that was at first. He's 28.

I thought it was Cillian. 28. It's Killian. I believe you. Cillian. This is my son, Cillian. I saw him. Think about that for a second, Thomas.

Yeah, Killian sounds stupid. This is my son's funny little bean. This is my son's hee-hee-hee. Killian and Cillian, that sounds the same. Cillian? Cillian. This is my silly son, Cillian. I wouldn't call him my silly son.

If you named your son Cillian, I know that you would. I wouldn't fucking name anybody Cillian. I think it's a cruel name. I think Killian is stupid as fuck. Killian sounds awesome. What about if it's Chillian? Yeah, this is my son killing him. Chillian? Could be Chillian. Yeah, Chillian. Millian Murphy? This is my son. Killian sounds awesome. What about if it's Chillion? Yeah, this is my son killing him. Chillion?

Could be Chillion. Yeah, Chillion. Million Murphy? This is my son. Million Murphy. Billion dollars. This is my black and my son Billion. I don't like that guy's face. Why? Looks stupid. Too long? You want to fuck it so bad? No. You want to kiss it? I just don't like some faces. I see it and I go, get that out of here. That's why I tried to watch Peaky Blinders.

I watched the first episode. I said, this guy looks like a bitch. I don't like him. I've heard it's a good show, but the name Peaky Blinders just pisses me off. Yeah, I thought it was about school. I thought it was sneaking binders at first, and so I was looking into that because I love school. But are you imagining a dystopian situation

where you're not allowed to have binders at school? I thought it was about sneaking binders. Interesting. That's so stupid. Why would I even think that? But that's what I thought. It's true. I love education.

You're kind of a foolish guy. Yeah, or maybe stinky climbers, and it's about a mountain. What about... Okay, here we go. Freaky spiders, and it's a bunch of fucking sexy-ass bugs. Yeah, 69ers. Sexy bugs. 69ers.

And it's about a guy and a girl. Seven seasons of just a guy and a girl sucking on each other. Well, then that's all the things I can think of that rhyme with that. What about leaky... See, I was going to do leaky. Leaky diapers. Leaky diapers. Leaky diapers. Fuck.

There you go. And it's Thomas when he watches the fucking debates because he can't stop pissing and cumming at how good Donald Trump is doing. Yeah, I fucking know. I like Joe Biden. I'm woke. I'm fucking woke, dude. And you don't see me do.

Mom, dad, I'm woke. I live in New York and I'm woke. I live in Bed-Stuy. I'm fucking woke, dude. Mom, dad, I'm woke. I live in New York and I'm woke. I live in Bed-Stuy. I'm white. I'm a comedian and I'm woke. I live wokely. Earlier, I set my towel down in the street. Thomas writes a book.

I'm having trouble for woking my girlfriend. I was telling her a bunch of statistics about white women and she really didn't like that and she tried to cancel me for woking her yeah rich dad woke dad miss thomas's book in like 30 years you know you're laughing me now for being woke but just wait you think you're based you're gonna see who's really based and it's woke people i got vaccinated twice today because i was i said what's the wokest vaccine you have is there a liberal one is there i'm liberal and i'm woke and i wanted to get vaccinated what is the gayest wokest most liberal vaccine well gay is a spectrum that's what i'm saying what is the most homosexual one uh well homosexual isn't the gayest. It's actually asexuality.

I need to move that under you, I think. Sam, would you mind pulling all those cables out and throwing that out the fucking window? Sam, would you mind stepping on the interface? I was just asked to fart. As you can see,

Jake spent a lot of time untangling these. And we try and uphold that. We're giving it. I spent all fucking day hanging these paintings against the wall. Putting these napkins on the floor. Well, yeah. They're for the legs of the chair.

Yeah, Jake did me the favor of leaving the napkins on the floor. And they look so good there. I know. It looks like a mouse had a meal. We're giving the viewers such a visual feast. Yeah, I don't know what all the cameras show. This is raw podcasting. Look at this, dude.

Look at all of our fucking... We all have white socks on. We're like a bunch of old dads. It's what? Everybody flex. Stick your legs out and flex. I've got chicken legs, brother. No, come on.

Flex them. There we go. Come on. You can... Look at that. Is this paid or is this free? I don't know. This should be a paid one, I think.

Yeah, it'll probably be paid. Yeah, they're not going to get this beautiful stuff for free. Because you get the premium first. You know, it's just a lot of motherfucking business. And you know I kind of did. Should we show the viewers our asses? I don't think we should. I think Patreon might get mad.

No, you can do that on Patreon. I'm sure you can. It's more of a – I haven't hit the gym in a few days, and so I don't have a resting – I don't have a residual pump in my ass. I could give you a residual pump in your ass. I don't want that. I could leave some residue in your ass for a few pumps. That's not what I need at all.

Honestly, that would probably – Honestly, the two of us could probably both pump your ass. Yeah, we could leave some residuals on your ass from pumping. That would probably weaken the two of us Could probably both pump your ass Yeah That would probably weaken My On your ass from pumping Probably weaken my floor muscles Which would not help My ass would be

We could do a lot of stuff I could weaken your floor muscles Through pumping and fucking No I need them to be stronger I could fuck you I guess I could I could get them stronger If I had one of your penises

In my ass And I flexed And I clenched Yeah you could try to pick us up With your ass Then I would make it even tighter and then you would probably come so fast. Flex around my cock and stand up.

I don't know if I could. I would probably be crying so hard. If one of you guys was fucking me, I would be crying so hard. I like straight up talking to an old friend of mine who's gay, and I was like, dude, it sucks. He was talking to a gay guy? You poop?

It hurts. He was talking into a mirror. I was talking to me. I was like, how could you let poop poop? I don't know. How do you do it every day? Like, how the fuck do you, getting fucked in your ass would seem like it's bad. And they were like, oh, you know.

I don't know, man. You were challenging a gay guy. You were like, I don't even know how you'd do it. I don't even know. How would it even work mechanically, biologically speaking? How do you even prep for that? So you don't paint.

Could you, you don't have to take your clothes off or anything, but could you show me how you would do it? You could just your fly you could just yeah i mean we could just lay down on the bed to kind of make it realistic yeah no being being gay sounds like a chore like i was telling thomas that it was super easy no it seems well it depends where you live but i a gay friend of mine was like i'm thinking about joining this gay gym it's like 35 minutes away each like each direction so it'd be a bit of a commute. But I could get my dick sucked every time I worked out.

I thought, dude, do you understand how jacked I would be if every time I went to the gym, I could reliably expect an attractive woman who wasn't insane necessarily to just give me head. And that was it. And we just went about our day. I'm sure a lot of sane women like to suck dick at the gym every day of their life so that would be good that's what i'm saying though because the gay guys who do that most of them are basically saying they're just guys yeah i would be at the gym fucking 15 times a week i mean if you just bite the bullet i would be john cena get your dick sucked by a guy every day well that's the thing is that's an improvement in your quality of life i'm not gonna judge you do you know that it must

smell crazy in that motherfucker dude i bet it smells awesome but they probably usually go to equinox in a place like that and they clean that motherfucker probably every 15 minutes okay well here's my thing is it's like it's a lot of like if i went in there i'd say no funny business hey guys still having sex with my butt hey i'm straight i. I'm just here to work guys. I'm here to pee. I'm gonna go to sleep I'm gonna close my eyes Take a quick nap put my hands behind my back in this Put my legs behind my I was gonna say Thomas is not inclined like this This is like it's like guys. I'm really working on what's beyond inclined like that you would

Be easier to be on incline like that. You would. You'd be like this. It would be easier to be on flat bench like that. What I'm thinking is you're on incline and then you have your whole like you're almost sucking your own penis and then a guy's fucking you. That's what I'm thinking about in my head. You getting fucked by another guy. No, that would not happen.

So you'd be fucking the guy? No, that wouldn't be happening either. I'd probably be drinking an awesome smoothie and getting a hell of a good workout in. High-fiving everybody, going back. I would just go for the compliments. Yeah. I would just go for the personal training. I'd say, I need to be trained right now.

It would happily train. Train. Train right now. Seriously. When you say train, I need to be personally trained. Someone run a personal train on me I need a personal train ran on my body Yeah the fucking

I'm just here to do stair climbers Stop looking at me Jesus Christ I'm fully nude Except for high heels on the stair climber Get the fuck away from me You have like a recently bleached and waxed butthole yeah I have a belly button piercing

you're wearing stilettos and nothing else guys seriously this is really inappropriate I'm just here to work out stop oh man great I'm being fucking objectified I'm being objectified at this gym called hole

oh man dude it's got like fucking objectified. I'm being objectified at this gym called Hole. Oh, man. But the thing is having to do the... If you're a bottom or whatever, you have to drink a bunch of stuff. Yeah, you have to clear your poop out. I mean, girls have to do stuff, too.

Not really. They kind of... They gotta do some stuff, you know what I mean, to make sure it's not, you know. They just have to shower. Yeah, but I mean, there's still like pH stuff that goes on. Yeah, I mean, if it gets off, that could be a huge problem with the yeast. Like Jake was having that problem for a while. And I kept having to get.

Your pussy had a yeast in it. Well, I had to give him suppositories. Oh. And he kept putting sour Skittles in there to throw his pH off. You're like eating the suppository. I'm like, where did the remote batteries go? And he's like, I don't know. And I'm like, Jake...

He farts and the channel changes. Come on. Yeah. I put the whole camera lens up my fucking ass. Yeah. I thought it was a pill. Please don't do that. Last one.

Because that was so fucking expensive. First of all, I would never shove anything up my ass. I also would never shove a $1,000 camera lens. Nothing? Nothing. Finger? Really? Not even a million dollars?

Fiance's finger? You couldn't fit a gold. Tiny toy? No. How about if you fit a gold bar up there. You get to keep it. Yeah, I'd do that. Okay, here's the thing.

I'd do that. I'd do that. I'd try and fit five up there. Get the fuck out of it. I'd work myself on one finger, two fingers. How many John Wick style gold coins can you fit in your ass and how many you can fit that you get to keep? I think I could probably get a couple hundred.

I bet I could get five rolls couple hundred. I bet I could get five rolls of quarters in there if I put my mind to it. And if I got to keep all the quarters, I'd do it. You got any laundry up here? You put like $8 in your ass. No, dude. I'd get like $40 a quarter.

You're like, yes, I get to keep $40. Dude, that is like a month's worth of laundry for me. So you get 40, you're like, yes, I get to keep 40 bucks. Dude, that is like a month's worth of laundry for me. You just do it. So you're just shoving a bunch of metal in your butt. I have good news for you.

You can make 40 bucks putting stuff up your ass. You just need a webcam and that's about it, brother. Go live right now. You start putting quarters in your ass.

I think, honestly, I think you make more than 40 bucks putting stuff up your butt. If they're rolled, if they're rolled, I think I could put the,

I could put the rolls in little saran wrap, and then I could probably get, I don't know, 10 or 12 rolls in there. You know what I mean? Yeah, because when I think about it, if I get a rubber band and I band together five, and then I do another five. That's big. That's big that's big and i'm gonna start with probably one three five five okay that would be 14 each one ten dollars each roll ten dollars let's say that's 140 dollars

in my fucking pocket that is three in your back frankly. That is three months worth of laundry for me. Not including the detergent. You do that four times a year. That's laundry for a year. Now, who is offering these quarters up to you? Me. I get it out of the bank account. I roll it up. I get to put them in my pocket and then I

keep all of it. I have to give these away to homeless people unless I can fit them in my ass. Telling our account. It's coming out of my personal bank account. I have to give these away to homeless people unless I can fit them in my ass. Yeah. Telling our account. It's coming out of my personal bank account. I'm like, guess who just... I don't get to keep these until they go up my ass. Throwing them into the fucking storm drain. Guys, why is there... I'm a failure.

Why is there $100 being taken out every week and change? I mean, look, the IRS probably won't notice, but you can tell. I mean mean i would like to know in case they do come calling thomas is like oh it's this new segment we have called i put quarters up my butt and then how many i put up on my butt i can keep them first week i could only feel the rest has to go to charity and i hate charity i hate charity i need you i'm telling you something

right now i fucking hate charity and helping people and i love shoving metal i think also it would be good too. I could start by swallowing quarters. You do love swallowing. And then no. And then I could see how many I could eat at once. And I could have a good idea. Me passing them I think would train me for the.

Yeah. I think I could honestly. People always say if you swallow pennies or whatever you got to go to the hospital. There's no way I haven't done that before. You know what I mean? I probably swallowed a bunch of stupid shit, yeah. Yeah, I remember my parents used to keep their old batteries in bags, and I thought it was sugar on them.

Oh, like caramelized sugar? Yeah. Yummy. My mom was like, you didn't put any of that in your mouth, did you? I was like. Only a lot. I was like, fucking no. She's like, good, because if you did, we would need to go to go to the hospital i'm like good thing we don't need to go to the hospital

winking at your mom good thing i didn't need any of this corroded battery acid i didn't need to test several spoonfuls yeah i call the battery massive because they're big dude they're big once you ever look at one? Because they're big. Dude, they're big. Battery nasty. Battery flaccid because I can't get hard. Without a battery? Without a battery. Without a battery on my butt cheeks. Yeah. Hook me up to a car battery.

Battery flaccid. Dude, honestly, I wonder if that would work like coffee. You know what I mean? Car battery. It would give you energy. If your body would react like... Yeah, yeah. If you would be, like... If your body would react like a TV remote to put batteries up your ass,

I definitely would... I feel like I would be awake. I would just hook up with my wires. Oh, okay. I have wires, though. Okay. That helps. Yeah, I have wires.

I probably would make you stay awake. This is me when I forget to charge my wires in the morning. Ready for the day. Don't talk to me until I've had my wires charged. Freaking Mondays. Optimizing my wires like a boss. Hey, Thomas, we really need to talk. So the robot thing, it was funny the first couple times,

but it's kind of making people uncomfortable. So HR wanted me to come have a conversation with you. We can just cut it out, buddy. HR, yes, yes, huge robot. My favorite, I like to use my wires to optimize my workplace experience. I understand. Look, I think it's funny. You know me.

I'm a cool boss. I love comedy. And you have wires as well. You will soon. I don't think that... Listen, I don't know if that's a threat, buddy. I just... I think we need to...

Why don't we just play... Let's play the perfect employee robot game. You just be the best employee. The perfect female robot with wires in her. Huge robotic butt for a huge battery. And a robotic boob. Twice. A soft robot's boob.

Filled with matter. Filled with energy and matter. Filled with charges from the wires. Coiled up wires for premium boob experience. We're starting to sound European. Everybody wants to come see my robot penis. I'm making robot music with my friends. I'm making robot music with my friends.

This weekend only. Tony Molesto And the robot Tony Molesto And the robot With wires Featuring wires I love my wires

They are so good They keep me charged Under the hood Wires. Wires. I'm wires. Robots and it has wires. Wires.

Wires. Cars have tires. Very, very, very good. Thank you everybody for coming to the number one sexual European techno show hosted by Tony Molesto and the robot featuring wires. Featuring wires. Thank you all for coming.

Thank you for it. This will be free of charge. Is that the robot killing like everybody? Yes, I accidentally almost sick healed or sick-hastig-hiled or whatever, but it was lower. Now, is this what happened? You're saying this is what happened on October 7th? Yeah, this is what's going to happen. Hamas programmed a robot.

I am the anti-Israeli robot. You will return the land. Hamas is secret weapon. You will return the land. This is like an 18-foot-tall Thomas cyborg in a mech suit, Thomas. I am the Hamas robot. I will not return your captives until they are filled with wires. They will be charged. They will be charged.

I am charging the captives with electronic energy. They're like, what is he? Is that even a threat? What the fuck are you doing? I am putting the power of dance music into your people. Robo boogie. Robo Zion. Robo boogie Robo Zion Robo boogie Oh wow

You know what they should do Is they should have Israel should build a mech And Hamas should build a mech And they should fight it out You know In a neutral area With no civilians

Just kind of Gundam style Two Gundams fighting And whoever wins Then they win Okay And that ceasefire happens Whoever wins They get to determine

The I feel like that's not Necessarily fair's clearly a resource disparity, but I would say... Nah, it's fair. It's not... How about a giant dance battle to see who is crazier? Who has the sexual... Who's crazy? Who has the craziest moves?

A rap battle. Tony Molesto, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, Tony Molesto and the Robot with Wires, for coming to this. Featuring wires. Featuring wires. Featuring wires. Doing this beautiful.

My wires are charged. Okay, Mr. Robot. With the electronic pulse. Filled with matter. A beautiful human breast and butt. Filled with matter and electricity. I would love to fill you with matter.

I use my fuel to fill you with matter. You will download my software. My sperms. Robosperms. Yeah, Thomas had a stroke. So we had Elon. Must ejaculate. Elon put a Neuralink in him.

How's it been going, man? It has been wonderful. He put two wires in my body. A red one and a white one. Nice, man. No blue? No, the white is a common and the red is a...

It's live. Okay. And also a just regular copper wire. It's a ground... Very nice. Ground wire. In case of shock. So do you feel like it's helped you?

It has helped me with my charging. Every morning I plug myself in to a cell phone, and I use the charging from the cell phone with a USB-C cable, and I plug it into my dongle. Now, is this a character in the same universe as Mousy Cheese? USB-C cable. And I plug it into my dongle. Now, is this a character in the... Is he in the same universe as Mousy Cheese? No. Mousy Cheese is a mouse.

He's a detective. I am a robot. Are they in the same... They could, I guess. Mousy Cheese was set in the 30s and 40s. He died in the 50s of lung cancer. Okay, Mousy Cheese's grandson,

great-grandson. Robo Cheese. Robo Cheese. I must eat robotic cheese. Genderless Robo Cheese. Gender is a construct. I am the woke cheese robot. I am also a construct.

I am the woke cheese robot. Give me your underprivileged cheese. Woke cheese mouse bot? Woke cheese mouse bot. Mousy, mousy cheese. The only trap I can fall into is a virus

or something like that. Or a puddle. A puddle. Puddle. Puddle of robot. Using two mouse-like wires, I will navigate. One of the wires is a tail.

All right. I don't know how much time. I think the camera's doing good, but it's probably an episode. You don't want to talk about a robotic mouse I just never know how it always goes an hour that was a good one if you like this one then you can watch some more yeah

check out everything Sam if you got anything to plug just at real online boy on every platform and I also make sincere music as just online boy fuck yeah the album was dope as fuck on every platform, and I also make sincere music as just online boy. Nice.

Fuck yeah, that album was dope as fuck. I remember listening to it. Thank you, man. Burning it out back in the day. Go check out his shit. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Bye-bye. I got a farewell. Farewell. Farewell.