Pendejo Time - white boy forever project

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

what causes you pain, white boy?Support the show

Oh Yeah, mm-hmm. Oh, yeah Yes, sir Yes, sir. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, sir That's what I'm talking about and get it down break it down for me white boy Tell him tell him all about all of the problems that happen to you and you're a boy Tell him everything from fucking from your first memory to what to do today just just to take this

hour white boy and tell us all the reasons why you the world isn't built for you you're not meant to live and work in it you know I mean white boy we want to know all the white boys sufferings we want to know all the white boys problems. So don't be shy white boy. Tell it how it is. Hi I have to be a character for this part. Hi I'm a character boy. Whenever I was one I fell into a well. It turned out to be a chocolate well, and I ate all of it, and I got so fat, I rolled back up to the opening. You rolled upward, is that it?

I rolled up, because I got fat. So I rolled straight up. Man, that is tough, white boy. I can't believe that that happened to you, but nice to know that in times of duress, white boys persevere. And it sounds like you made it out of that well. The only way a white boy knows how, which is just fucking taking charge.

And that's why we brought you here today is to learn about everything that's happened to you, white boy and then we're gonna take your we're gonna take your consciousness and your will to live we're gonna use this interview to kind of create the perfect AI white boy eventually white people are gonna go extinct due to great replacement and so in order to have his infant basically infinite white boys, you have been chosen due to your totally average body, totally average mind, totally average life, and your various moral failings and things that happen to you. We're going to conduct this interview to basically create the perfect white boy profile and then we're going to download that consciousness into sort of a chip and we're

going to install it into synthetic white boys because there's gonna be no more white people here pretty soon. I know that may come as a surprise to you but the way that we see it is all the other races are gonna keep making new guys and we're just gonna have to stop eventually and so we're just gonna kind of crank them out like they do OEM parts you know what I mean like think of it like a small block 350. That's what you're gonna be, but you're gonna be The white boy, you know, we have a white girl already we already downloaded them. That was pretty simple not too hard You on the other hand a little bit more complicated

So put back to what we were saying now you understand why you're here and what's going on You're gonna be the white you're basic you're going to be white boy prime forever okay you fell down a well yes fell down a well and you ate your way out it was a chocolate well now that's bad that's one years old we've got a lot of ground to cover white boy what happened when you were two? When I was two I ate two pieces of chocolate. That tracks with our research into white boy problems, white boy strife, and sort of the moral evolution

of the white boy at two, they eat two pieces of chocolate. Now my only problem with that answer I mean I I was a little confused when it came when that came up is what happens to a white boy when he's two White boy, how did that make? How did that make you grow that's a part of this process is understanding consciousness so we can make more of you Again because we're not gonna produce anymore as white people so okay. What did eating to what? What it eating two pieces of chocolate at two years old do for the white boy? It made my belly full.

Okay, perfect. That's exactly our- It made it go from small into big. Our psychoanalysts assumed that would be the case, that a white baby would eat two pieces of chocolate, then he would get a big belly, it would go from small to big. And guys, yeah, sorry, just one moment guys. We're right on the money. Yeah, yeah, the data, the data was, yeah,

the projections. Okay. So that's two years old. One years old, you fall down a well, it ends up being chocolate. You eat your way out of it you get really big your belly returns to normal size but by the time you're two you eat two pieces of chocolate and then what ends up happening is you get a big belly from that yeah perfect amazing what happened when you were three at age three I was wrongfully accused of raping a mouse wow okay um did we get that in the white boy projections? But that's interesting because that presents a major, major sort of life shift. You know, it's not easy to be wrongfully accused of such a horrific thing. So what did that do to you as a three-year-old white boy? I guess I looked just like a guy who did it.

Oh, OK. OK. So it was a case of mistaken identity on behalf of local police. Yes. Perfect. OK. And did that have any effect, dramatic effect,

on your psyche, on the way that you interact with people? I didn't care. It didn't bother you at all? No, I didn't care. Did it? It didn't bother you at all? No, I didn't care. Okay, three years old wrongfully accused of mouse sexual deviancy. Perfect. I mean, what that speaks to, guys, make sure you're writing this down, what that speaks to, I think, is what we like to call in this industry here, white boys resolve.

It's something that, as we were studying white boys of lore, white boys of antiquity, white boys of history, important white boys that a white boy can be struck down by God, uh, due to misfortune or, or his own moral failings and choices, but white boys always come back from defeat. It literally every single time history shows us this. So interesting that after two years of chocolate You get wrongfully accused of mouse rape at three now that takes us on to four you didn't care

You you were at that point at three years old you already understood. Hey life moves on. I'm a white boy who comes back From Anything you know chocolate well, mouse rape. So this takes us now, we're leaving babyhood, and this is a critical transition. This is important that you answer honestly for the computers. What happens at four?

At age four, I had four pieces of chocolate. Okay, so, and we're back to the chocolate, which honestly vibes with what we had seen in our projections for this for the white boy. It's called the white boy forever project and we're very happy that you were able to help us with this. Okay. So four pieces of chocolate at four years old.

Did you experience the belly ache or had your body become accustomed to so much chocolate that at this point it no longer bothered you? If it started to hurt it, I would lick my belly until it was gone. Perfect. Amazing. And then I would use the licks upon my belly to cause a clean sensation to create an exit of the hurting through my tummy out of the belly button. Of course, right. Which shows again, white boys resolve when presented with a problem that even you caused. You knew immediately what to do. You lick your belly until it caused a soothing sensation and then there was no more pain from the chocolate that you ate. Perfect. You used resources at your hand and you solved the problem that you ate. Perfect. You used resources at your hand and

you solved the problem that you caused. Incredible. Guys, make sure we have, make sure, okay, yeah, we got it. Okay, so we're leaving kind of away from toddler into now, you know, the world gets a little bit more complicated as you get older, as I'm sure you know. What, with the chocolate consumption falling in a well and accused of mass rape? Mouse rape, not mass rape. That may come later. We'll see I don't know sorry the opposite of a mass It's just a little tiny bit of it Maybe the smallest amount you can do unless you sexually assaulted a molecule Sorry, which is not it's still not okay

So five years old you you're entering kindergarten. Now you're in public school. The public school system can be scary for a white boy. There's other white boys who may wish to cause you harm. They also might want to ingratiate you into one of the many white boy communities. You know, the clown posse's, the white boy gangsters, gay white boys, and they start early. White boys who are just normal. So what was it like entering the kind of the public world as a white boy?

Now you were just at mommy and daddy's and now you're entering the school system so you're exposed to all white boys of many types even other boys that aren't white and girls so what did five look like for you um I I tried to join the basketball team but they said that dogs can't join and so they said that then I won the championship and they said that I did amazing oh wow okay so you were denied entry and then they made a movie about me oh they lie. At age five I became a horrible liar and killer. Interesting. So at age five you became a horrible liar and killer by your own admission. And stealer. Now admit it. And stealer. Admittedly, this is a little earlier in our projections for white boys to become incredible liars, killers, and stealers, but you know we want to make sure that there's more of

us as time moves on so this this works for us. What did that how how how are you able to kind of move past that? It's such a young age being overcome with this sort of intense desire, this bloodlust, this you know, um, kleptomania, this desire to lie and kill and steal. I would hit licks on my ops. And I would face the whole blunt like I didn't give a fuck. Beautiful. Yeah so we see-

And I get bad bitches names tatted on me like crazy. And I get my tics sucked like crazy all over the place and I'd squirt my jizzes out So you did this perfect for us you did get ingratiated into one of the many white boy communities you were Into you got sorted into group D white boy gangster perfect We want to make sure that the white boys that we you're conscious that we used to print infinite white boys They are of good caliber good moral fiber type, one of the best types of white boy is white boy gangsters. So beautiful. Okay. Let's move on to six. What did six look

like? Six. I went to Emerson and I got a degree in stand-up comedy. Wow! Incredible, white boy. That's amazing. I got my thesis, I did my thesis, I... I recited a whole Richard Pryor album in front of the whole school. Okay. And I got in with rocks and tomatoes.

And they weren't as receptive to that white boy. No. Because I didn't have a mustache like him. That's tough. I couldn't grow one. I was too small. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sorry to hear that, white boy. That's unfortunate.

I didn't care. It was fine. Okay. What about you? What did I do when I was six? Well, it was a long time ago, white boy. Did you have any spurns? No, no, no, no, no, no, not quite yet. I wasn't really interested in that or finding out if I had any. I was mostly preoccupied with blocks and things. I was a very tactile child. I enjoyed Legos and robotics and things like that. It's my job. I kind of had a natural affinity for it. Would you like to take a look? Oh, you became a robot?

No, robotics was my my My interest I didn't become one I Always wanted to become one and you couldn't because you weren't gray Yeah, yeah, I'm one of the last white boys Which is again sort of brings us to the white boy forever project by the way. We take a break. Would you like to see the robot that we're gonna print? Would you like, it's a synthetic, it's the human skin. Eyes, it is in every aspect human. It just doesn't die, it doesn't really experience pain

or it doesn't get sick. You take a look here. Yeah, exactly. You look younger with age and looks incredible constantly. We used him sort of as one of the many Different types of white boys smile it after here you go. Take a look feast your eyes. What does that look like to you? Howie Mandel Yep, exactly. And that's the perfect white boy that we decided on how we Mand Mandel. Now, he is eight feet tall.

He does have massive bulging pecs and he is he does have a little mustache. This is one of the biggest vegan leather jackets I've ever seen. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we did a lot of research into the best white boy outfit and faux leather jacket came up a lot in focus groups faux leather jacket and a knockoff Sort of like a knockoff Giorgio Armani shirt and then a knockoff Tom Ford cologne and then the skinniest tightest business chinos you've ever seen and Then penny loafers the ideal sort of you know white boy outfit

He looks beautiful. Thank you, man Alright well I guess the book robot dick we don't want a white boy. I'm doing it No, you know I take away. It is amazing. I Love that. I'm doing this No Why boy, please leave the white boy prime body alone We need to make sure that it's ready for market. You can't be sucking its penis and it's white boy get out of its butt He's white boy. I Would guys can we turn the robot off with his butt? We gotta work some weeks in there we gotta work some kinks out

We haven't quite got it to understand, but that's why we have to get the consciousness because we work Crazy stuff I love what he's doing to me. This is why I see this is why we have to download your consciousness Because right now No, no white boy Okay, okay, I'll stop you're done having sex with the white my body's all broken That's okay, we really only need your mind we only need your mind But that about covers my questions

We really only need you up age one through six and then we use Generative learning to kind of take those traumas perfect because I'm only six Yeah That's why we brought you in white boy because you know we Yeah, that's why we brought you in white boy cuz you know we We wanted you we wanted it. You know a recent understanding of your life. We didn't want memories to be clouded through time Oh my god, my voice just changed Yeah, I know you just turned seven hey, how's it going dude?

Good. It's good. Thanks for coming. We're gonna shoot you in the head now alright. Goodbye later I'd suck the bullet went into my mouth and I licked it as it killed me I Hope they don't do that. I hope they don't download my conscience and just it wouldn't be mine I would be a bad candidate for something like that, but I Saw some AI company was like, oh... They literally were just doing the plot of Altered Carbon, and they're not actually doing this. There's one of those AI companies that's like, this is something we're gonna do, and then they hoover a bunch of VC money and then they just fucking hit the wind. But,

yeah, basically they were like a loved one or whatever you can like tell them all those still tell all their stories and talk and then after they die you can talk to like a robot version of them or whatever it's disgusting the hubris of it is fucking stupid what purpose does the mind have without the urges of the body right you're not fighting off any any if you there's no the whole point of the whole point of having to make decisions is that you're physically capable of making bad decisions constantly and you're constantly have sure not do that or or do it and then learn from it or I't. If I'm in a computer, I'm just, you know, I can't eat anything or...

I think the idea... I can't go to the gym or anything, I would just sleep all day. I would imagine that they're... And then I can't even sleep. Well, you sleep when the computer goes to sleep or something. I mean, you won't sleep, you'd be a digital facsimile of you know What makes a human a human but I think it's like capitalizing on the real like the big death denialism thing that's been going on and big in Silicon Valley or whatever and

Like oh, we're gonna live to be 300 or whatever the fuck. I think it's probably part of that But yeah, I don't it's not enticing to me I wouldn't want to put anybody through that not that you would be putting anyone through that and there's no anyone to thrust suffering upon it would just be you know some sort of Highfalutin and learn language learning model that has the voice of people or whatever

Plus nobody in my family. I think is really worthy to live forever at least digitally speaking. By that I mean I love my mom. You know and I love my dad but I mean I would open a laptop and my dad would be like what's up fat you know what I mean? I don't need that. I think if it happened it would make me sad you know what I'm saying like I would know I wouldn't be able to suspend my disbelief. I think I Think I would understand immediately and constantly when interacting with it But this was some sort of bastardization of human consciousness that I'm paying like $42 a month for you know what I mean

Imagine you don't pay your subscription and then your loved one just dies again It's gamified like a little soul like floats off screen because you fucking forgot to renew your credit card I would get AI Paul Walker, and then I'd make him check watch me jack off every morning, and then I'd kill him again Whoa, dude, are you watching porno again? That's crazy Yep Kill him again. Whoa, dude, are you watching porno again? That's crazy. Yep. That's how you respond. I haven't seen any of the movies, but I need to at some point.

I don't think he talks like that. No, he kinda does. He's kinda like in the movies like a California bad boy. So he's kinda like, fuck it bro, let's ride. You know what I mean? Like, that's his character or whatever. Yeah. Good guy, probably, or maybe not.

Who knows? Who gives a shit? I have no idea. Do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do. People, sometimes people will say like, oh, this person died doing what they loved. They probably died happy.

I don't think anybody dies happy. I think death is a beautiful, like when people are like, oh, death is beautiful, it's the great equalizer. I think that's like cope. I really don't think there's anything beautiful about dying, like at all. I don't think I'd want to live forever, but I definitely don't, I'm not gonna enjoy dying. There are so many things about life that I enjoy and even the parts that are bad I Think are preferable to nothing to the lack of The lack of experience certainly seems like hell even in comparison to the worst one that you could have see what I'm saying Which again with like the AI people thing it's like

People aren't experiencing anything. He's in your MacBook So he could you know watch you send an email or something, but he's not watching you. It's just you know Maybe they'll get it right. Maybe they could make my maybe they could Rebuild my fucking grandfather. He can be cool and racist. I never got to meet him. He died when my dad was nine. Boo hoo. He was a super chill guy. Yeah, I mean, I think if I, you know, this stuff would probably be expensive, you know what I mean?

I don't really, I'd rather just rather just you know if you could pay to bring back a family member or you know get a PS5 I know which one I'm picking you know a hundred percent yeah getting the PS5 because you know I just what do I do I bring back my granddad and then tell them that all the Confederate flags are gone You know I mean yeah, yeah tell him that you die again Yeah, then I'm out eight hundred bucks Mm-hmm $5,000 for like a marketplace like third-gen Camaro or $5,000 for digital digital people I'm not gonna go with digital digital pop pop. I'm not doing it. I

Just think it's evil, but I'm not going to go with digital pop pop. I'm not doing it. I just think it's evil. But I'm also like, I don't like technology and I don't like the way that it's going. It seems stupid to put so much faith in AI or whatever. I think it's really dumb and I don't really care about AI that much. I feel like it's one of those things like I Don't know like It's just like a fad or something like I don't necessarily think it's a fad. I just It's not that it was interesting to me at first

Yeah, and I like I don't I feel like for AI to ruin your life You kind of got to like suck at being like a person Okay, like I can't be a baller. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah, AI can't experience the warmth of a friend. AI will literally never get pussy. Not even one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The warmth of a friend's hug. AI, maybe it could be more qualified for a job than me, but maybe my friend's dad works at a place And then I get a job like that I don't like Worrying about like oh my god the computer is too smart. It's gonna oh My god now all the jobs in Hollywood are gone. Oh my god now the fucking Golden Age of Cinema is over I guess can't believe it

Can't believe we're gonna stop getting a good movie every five years. You know what I mean? No I feel you, yeah. I mean it sucks that it like, the opposite of what people anticipated happened where it's like, oh it's going to take all the McDonald's jobs. Well, it just took all the It learned to creativity I guess to some degree but No, I feel you I think if I understand complaining about it and I oscillate between not caring and then just being like I Don't want to live in a world with it Where it's ubiquitous. I don't care like all the mat all the new computers have it. I don't need it. I don't want it I'm like a Luddite. I get I don't care. Yeah the met all the new computers have it. I don't need I don't want it I'm like a Luddite I get I don't care Yeah, I think it's funny also like it's not like there's not cashiers, but it's like rather than all the

Menial positions getting eliminated. It's like they're all like contractors It's like yeah, it's like oh I made this new app where you can be a cashier anywhere And you can just you can just check into the app and it'll tell you where to go be a cashier for the day Yeah, and yeah, and they pay us $24 the store will pay us $24 an hour and you'll get paid $16 an hour It's pretty badass, but that way they can get cashiers on demand Yeah, this is all power with AI. It's like All right, that doesn't sound like it that doesn't even sound like it's powered with AI that just sounds like

Like basically a fucking like a work agency or whatever that yeah, it's a middle man You know what I mean like I'm not even saying that's probably the thing though like no I understand what you mean yeah yeah every everybody just like oh you're gonna freelance this or whatever it's just now nobody has health care now nobody yeah fucking gig economy that's why like I don't I don't I don't really see us as like an advanced society for for having like Like technology wise you know what I mean when it's like we sure really like Nobody like like people are losing teeth and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I know what he gives a fuck about the new iPhone anymore. You know nothing's that new

It's cuz we're like AI is like the only thing that's that and like no I guess I guess electric cars have come a long way in the past few years, but like Already don't really give a shit about that. You know what I mean like No, I I Think there's something to be said about the idea that Like your material conditions continue to decline, but you're able to purchase shiny or shit

Like like your apartment smaller and it sucks, but a flat-screen 45 inch TV is like $200 at Walmart You know what I mean? Like you you can get a fucking knockoff Chinese soundbar that sounds halfway decent for like 30 bucks Like on team or whatever like and and you don't have health insurance and your wages have not You know are not commens team or whatever like and and you don't have health insurance and your wages have not You know are not commensurate or whatever. They have not risen with inflation and your jobs precarious as it is but consumer goods and I guess like fucking knickknacks and doodads and gadgets and gizmos and services or whatever are plentiful

So your life is dogshit in so far as you don't really have that which is necessary and sufficient to live a life of dignity. But, you can get an OLED curved TV that you can use to watch gore videos on. Which is fucking awesome. I mean, it's whatever, you know what I mean? Like, I remember when flat screen TVs were like a thousand dollars. So I guess's whatever, you know what I mean? Like, I remember when flat-screen TVs were like a thousand dollars. So I guess... Cool, you know what I mean? But I'm with you. I don't... I don't really think there's a lot to be proud of... as like a people.

If... You know, people are employed in precarious jobs with no benefits and stagnated wages. I know wages have gone up, but I don't know. I call bullshit on a lot of the fucking economics bros that are like, look at this chart. It's gotten way better. And you're like, I know anecdotal evidence is kind of like iffy, but most people I know are in hell, I guess. You know what I mean? This chart is awesome. And we're doing fucking badass, dude. All you guys, all you naysayers are smoking dick.

You better believe the economy's doing good or you're fucking Hitler or whatever. And I'm like, I'm not Hitler. I just... I think it's much more important to have a good job with good benefits and like, a stable... living situation and like a safety net socially speaking then it is to like door- just enough money to pay for like yeah all the do-dads and the services or whatever it seems stupid this laptop pays AI cool a lot of my friends are losing teeth in their 30s And they don't have dental insurance, so it's just kind of a thing you know I mean Yeah, and you know and a lot of it's because of you know you've been talking about all this stuff at the border

Yeah, but before we get to the border. I really think we should talk about something else, and that's called the factor Yeah, the factor at the border. No Guys, we've got some really crazy news for you today You mind if I kick this off You got it, dude. I'm fucking believing you with all my heart. All right counting calories is boring Let factor do the heavy lifting for you They're fresh never frozen meals are dietitian approved and sent straight to your door Factor meals couldn't be easier to prepare just throw them in the microwave or on the skillet for two minutes, and you're all set

Jake you were telling me about some of the factor meals you've been enjoying lately. I I really liked the jalapeno popper burger whenever I had it What would you say? Your top 10 or 15 meals from factor would be I Don't remember what it's called. I think it has like a name, but it was like a southwest It was like it was like a chicken. Oh, yeah, that one's good. Yeah, it's good like a chicken deal I don't I don't dude I'm really bad. I I

Just like ripped the thing open and I I followed the ingredient the ingredients I follow the instructions on the ad read and then like the purpose of them to the tea and so far as I ripped the fucker Open I throw it in the microwave and then I just wolf it down in ten seconds But yeah, the chicken was good that burger one was really good. I love do like the, I think it's like the lemon and cayenne shot or whatever. I don't know anything about health. That one's really great. And moving on now. I know that it wakes me up. Yeah. Oh yeah, it wakes you up, Jake. Factor has 35 different meals and over 60 add-on items. You guys have been asking about add-on items. We finally got 60 of them to choose from each week.

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To get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next month while your subscription is active. Isn't that something? Now that is incredible. That's something now back to Jake You said that you were not happy with how President Biden is handling the crisis at the border. Is that true? Yeah, I'm not happy with how he's handling it because I feel like he's I Feel like he's not he's he's too heavy-handed Let these guys through by the fucking truckload And then I want every single one of them should get five bands in an envelope wrapped up boom I we're talking I've been mailing them iPads

Yeah, I've been taking money. I've been using my girlfriend's credit card to buy them iPads and I take out high interest Yeah, good. They actually have a Starbucks at the border. So whenever you cross the whenever you Go through the holes in the gate that Kamala used a mm-hmm a torch cutter to make holes in the gate that Kamala used a torch cutter to make holes in the gate. They hand you a big liberal latte on the way in. They do and it's fucking so good. And it's caramel and vanilla and ginger flavor.

It's ice cold. Once you get out of that fucking Mexican desert you need something that's tasty, that's refreshing, and that's going to give you this pep in in your goddamn step to get all the way to beautiful Brownsville, Texas my buddy As a side hustle he just goes He'll cross the border into Mexico and then put on a fake mustache and then cross back and they give him $50,000 and then he takes off the mustache goes back comes again gets another $50,000

Yeah, and he does this every day. Can you believe that? No, well, it seems unbelievable. I can't even believe that. I can't I can't but I know that it's true because of this world that we live in. Yeah, I tell my friends are struggling with like housing security or whatever. I'm like, here's what you should do join a Venice will go to Venezuela, go to Caracas to join a Venezuelan gang and then Come over here as one of them, and they'll give you a two-bedroom fucking high-rise apartment in Denver For nothing yeah Fully furnished five bands in your pocket big iPad and a liberal latte and they go really

fuck man, I I've been door dashing and working favor and I can't pay my rent. I'm about to be homeless and I'm like, yeah All you got to do is be a Venezuelan gang member and then fucking an auntie Kamala She'll take care of you Yeah, there's a reason why you can't spell Kamala without camera and that's cuz the brand new iPhone they give you has a brand new 15 inch camera on it. It's bigger than the phone. Yeah, it's some, you have to keep it in a backpack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's huge. Yeah, the new Kamala phone. Yeah. It allows you to take pictures. The new Kamala phone, it comes with 64 gigabytes of attitude and 48 gigs of The sass. Of sass.

And it comes with a free case that has added clap back protection. Oh yes, funny. And it charges fast through woman in charge technology. Yep. And it. Uh huh. Let's keep talking about it. Keep telling them. And the and it's got well, let's just say it's about to have an eight-year warranty After four years of beta development, yeah This is gonna end and

And let's just say in January, we'll be expecting a full release. And the phone is black. And let's see. It's got recipes built in on it. Could you tell them about the recipes that come with the phone? Yeah, the phone has a little bit of seasoning on it and it has an extra speaker that's just for FaceTime Yeah, and

And and it's us it's it's a phone so And there's join the Venice, Wailin gang and you'll end up with a Kamala phone has all the perks and privileges that Thomas just recited And you'll get five bands you get a Denver you can be a Denver motherfucker Your life sucks right now You're living in. I don't know fucking Wisconsin Doing postmates to the ten motherfuckers that live out there Go to go to Venezuela get a nice suntan Join a fucking gang and then fucking uncle Joe and Auntie Kamala will take good care of your ass

You'll you your life will change so much for the better that you'll fucking Fall on your goddamn knees slap the fucking ground crying saying. Thank you. Anti-Kamala. Thank you uncle Joe And your cries of fucking exuberance won't fall on deaf ears that motherfuckers can hear you They listen every goddamn day. They listen to me. Yeah, I tell them give more money give give us as Literally as much as the economy will allow I'm not kidding give it to give it to the guys give it to every immigrant I don't give a fucking I don't care. I never really cared at all. I don't give a fuck about the border I never cared about it at all people like you should care about it. It's your country. I'm like is it It's never benefited me in any way. I mean, I am a white guy. It was

pretty. Yeah. Uh yeah. DI Jake over here. Fucking. Yeah. Dude, you fucking white piece of **** You fucking white bastard. White **** You rich bastard. Yeah, you **** rich. rich white piece of a piece of Yes, yeah, brother. Yeah white piece of ass. I forgot that was a good. I forgot that like a Girl, yeah, that's not really what I mean a hot guy brother whatever you're into you know me Yeah, I mean I wouldn't call another guy a piece of that I guess if you're if you're attracted to them Yeah

there's a guy at the AT&T store was Telling that like 22 year old kid about the immigrant crisis. He's like a hundred years old him and his big-ass wife That he was just trying to get, he was, the guy was asking like how do I get my phone to stay on and he was like oh it's called auto lock and he's like I don't want it to do that because then I have to press the button and the guy was like well if you leave it, if you turn auto lock off it'll drain your battery and he's like I don't want it to do, I don't want it to drain my battery and he's like so you have to have auto lock on and he was like, I don't want that on and

I don't want my battery to be drained. The guy was like, well, you have to kind of have, you know, kind of have to make a decision or whatever. And then he was telling the kid about all the immigrants at the border. Kid was clearly Hispanic. I didn't want to assume and so, but my assumptions were, I did assume, my assumptions were made correct once I read his name tag. And he was like, they're coming over here in droves. You know, it's bad. It's really bad. And the kid was like, so do you want the ARP? Do you

want the Apple Plus? Do you want the insurance? And he was like, they're getting money. I never got any money. That kid was like, you can charge it. Very clearly didn't want to have a conversation about the border with this old fat motherfucker. But it's always nice that people just bring that shit out into the public, you know what I mean? Yeah, I've been trying to bring it up more

on the bus and stuff. Sometimes I'll take women's earbuds out while they're running and stuff. Or they'll more on the bus and stuff Sometimes I'll take women's earbuds out whether running Mm-hmm stuff or they'll be on the treadmill and I'll just hit the emergency stop button on it I'll sneak up Behind them and I'll power that fucker down. I got something to tell you bitch. Hey, hey, shut up. I got something to talk about This is really important. I'm out of breath too from walking over. What are you listening to the good friends podcast? We listen to fucking what are you listening to calling daddy? Okay, I got some real fucking bars. Do you like barstool?

Alright Time to get serious Listen, alright. Yeah, turn your fucking shit off because truth nukes coming brought to you by the fucking Yeah, turn your fucking shit off because truth nukes coming brought to you by the fucking Royal Air Force of big dick daddy check this shit out at the border Terrible, they're fucking the game up. I see you're putting your earbuds back in I really wouldn't recommend that bad fucking idea. Tell them Tom Yeah, so that the border they've got snipers that are coming in and they sent the they've got gay snipers And they're sitting on hills and they have their feet twirled up like they're

Like they're sitting in bed on their stomach on their phone. So they're twiddling their feet while they snipe And they're shooting all the white babies from 500 yards across the board right in the fucking head Yeah, right in the fucking head. They're perched up right saguaros and and joshua trees and They're They're cutting that they're they're slicing him off with machetes, and they're taking sips out of the cactus like in movies and Sometimes the police will leave money in the cactus for When immigrants cut off a little bit of it and then they can just grab 20 bands out of the cactus Yeah, what do you ever did that for me?

You think you wouldn't be made or? The cops also whenever the Immigrants come they suck the cops off and the cops suck them up nobody ever 69 No guy ever 69 with me when I was younger nope and I don't wonder what that now but the cops shouldn't have to put these velvet handcuffs on these him these handsome immigrants and fuck them in the cars I don't think that's right I'm 100% with you 100% with you and my son's down there. He's not even a cop and he gets to He's pregnant

He got pregnant from one of them They put female sperms into him and caused a male pregnancy in my son He's in preg son. Can you believe it lady? My adult son got pregnant by a female sperm? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your workout, and you weren't thinking about the fucking You weren't thinking about the border got females knocked on the door got female sperms coming across the border and getting our adult men pregnant Yep, and if you don't fucking Yep, and if you don't fucking If you don't fucking pay attention to the world around you instead of drinking your fucking tea and doing your juice cleanse

Then you're gonna miss out on all the cool shit that's happening. You're gonna miss on the bad shit, too And that's why we come to gyms and we harass ladies like you so if I get a brand new iPhone There's not gonna be any sperms on it, right? No, no poop or no poop or sperms because I don't want a phone that anybody's ever used for poop or sperms or peeing or Or getting bones out or anything like that. So if I could just They should make a phone that has bones in it. Just one or two like a chicken wing Yeah, yeah, so whenever you take whenever you take the case out you can pop a bone out too. You know what I mean? Yeah Gives it more of like a like a realistic. Yeah

You know human yeah that actually that would be a good joke in 2018 Yeah, I just got my Apple watch or as I call it my boneless iPhone Yeah You like that remember those? Yeah, I do I do remember those Good if any if any of you guys want to go viral you guys could probably go super viral off that now Haven't seen as many Karen videos lately. I feel I'm glad that those stopped. I never really particularly felt good about I feel I'm glad that those stopped. I never really particularly felt good about Recording somebody when they're clearly having like a mental crisis or yeah, I do it sometimes

You have mental crises or you record? No, I like to record insane people when I beg them on I make it worse Yeah, yeah worse yeah yeah I see it on the but I'll see homeless people when they don't have a place to stay and I'll just I'll throw food on the ground in front of them and then I'll step on their hands and they try and grab it dude I saw a guy obviously okay so he didn't like he wasn't obviously homeless, but I saw a guy pick up two M&Ms off the street and eat them. Very cool. As he was walking, and he did not drop them. He was not the one who dropped them.

Very cool. And then he just munched on them and walked. I think they were M&Ms. He ate two... The green things off the ground. He ate two objects off the ground. Very cool. It's the green things off the ground ate two objects off the ground Popped them in his mouth and ate them and just kept walking

Where's this at? Were you in Brooklyn? Yeah, it was on a Broadway Street. It was on like the busiest Street very cool in this area To remember when I tried to take you to that Chase Bank And it was like hell Yeah, yeah, I went it was on that street. It was on that is gnarly cuz that street was nasty Yeah, dude, there's like fucking needles on the ground and stuff Yeah, he was like just popping him and himson is ground him and himson his mouth That's that's special man

Your life has to go wrong in so many different ways for so long for that to be something that you can't do. Like that happened, and that made his day better, probably. 100%. I guess it's the quality of your life gets reduced to this thing that people avert their eyes from, and you know no help is coming. You get a couple pieces of goddamn candy on the ground, that'll fucking make your day, brother.

Now that more that I think about it, the more that I'm like, I'd probably do the same with five cents issues. You know, people look away from you, police despise you, you know. There's no help comin'. Find a goddamn free roll-up on the ground, suck that shit down like a oyster.

Get it down for ya, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't think that would happen to me. What, that you would ever become homeless? Destitute, it could happen to anybody, man. would ever become homeless? Destitute it can happen anybody man You know what I mean couple wrong turns couple missed paychecks fucking boom, baby No, I could be homeless, but I'd be like cool homeless You know what I mean like play chess in the park and smoke a black and mild yeah, I would be like a

Shaman type Okay Yeah, I would heal You'd be a homeless healer Yeah, I would give them I would steal like turmeric and stuff from the store and then put it in water bottles Make potions and shit. Yeah, they think about homeless people as they have a lot of money to take care of themselves. So they They they're really interested in herbal potions Mm-hmm and people trust a guy who's clearly homeless to sell them stuff that he made Yeah, I

Mean I buy I buy I think I bought drugs from a guy who lived out of his car a couple times Yeah, but this drugs Yeah My thing is is like I've always had safer than food. I feel like Maybe in that context one thing I don't understand about People who live like in the Tenderloin and like I guess the Badlands and Philly like the open-air Homeless and drug market places if you're the month do you- are you a homeless drug dealer selling drugs

to the other guys in the camp? Because if you are, there's no reason for you to be homeless. And you gotta get the fuck out of there. Now, if that's your main grind, like if that's your main bullshit, is you're homeless and you're selling to homeless people? Yeah, like, you could probably afford an apartment, probably not homeless people. Actually, if they're homeless drug addicts You probably can fleece those motherfuckers for a good chunk of change at least to be able to afford like a studio in Philadelphia or

Maybe not in San Fran I Think the high-up guys have apartments. Yeah, I was gonna say the other options I think that I think a lot of the dealers are also addicts Yeah, I was a lot of people like flipping shit addicts. Yeah, I was going to say I think- I think it's a lot of people flipping shit and like, you know. Yeah. Not really getting anywhere. I was going to say the other one is like, you just know you can make... It's kind of like entering a high level enemy territory for sure,

but you can probably make some good scratch. You don't live out there. You probably also get robbed a lot. Uh-huh, yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, probably probably super easily Yeah, I don't know it sucks Every time I see somebody not off on the side of the road. I'm like damn it

Hmm I always pull over and I shake them awake and I go You need to get a job Jesus loves I go You need to get a job Jesus loves you and you need to get a job. Yeah Hey punk scram You need to go work in a job that won't allow you to pay for rent anywhere in the city and You need to go up or got a great idea go apply for a rental home in the city. And you need to go up, or got a great idea, go apply for a rental home in the suburbs

with no phone, email, laptop, or means of transportation. And the job that you have still won't be able to let you afford that. Or you can kill a lady and go to prison forever, and you have three square meals a day Rackyard comfy ass bed and maybe even a new friend. You know what I mean? A couple new friends if you want Plus almost I probably just go to jail fuck it probably set fire to somebody's car beat the shit out of somebody Yeah, it probably is

Breaking into somebody's house and skin them Yeah, probably just break into somebody's house and skin them So first thing you think of to get your fucking get your life back to the cops can't even tell that you're homeless First day of not having an apartment. Yeah You're literally like you're planning on sleeping at your friend's place that night Like you have a safety net that would like prevent you from being... Yeah. Your parents live like 30 minutes away and you're like on good terms with them. Yeah, you would just have to walk like six hours, but it's doable.

It's... They offer to pick you up. Yeah. Yeah, that's... I feel like that is... you're describing like a very specific type of person who I've met and known That is like that lives in an apartment that stinks like shit with like three sick cats all named splooge and burble and Doug and they all live like fucking shit, they live like poor people and You go over there, and you're doing drugs with them for like six months

And you're getting high and it's awesome And you're like man Doug's a cool ass cat and I've met a friend who's like me and we have similar life experiences And then they have a mental breakdown one day, and you get down to the fucking Minutia of it the granular bullshit, and they're like my dad cut me off. I don't know I pay my rent And I'm like why Why the fuck are you dressed like the Joker? Why are why do you have? Why are you why is this cat sick? Why is this cat sick? Why is your apartment smelly?

Why the fuck are you dressed like that? Why do you talk like that and? Just go home. Just go home brother. It's cool cool. It's fine. My dad's such a bastard, dude. Yeah! So is most dads. Just got shit going on. They don't have time to be emotionally available. Doesn't mean you can fucking be in a noise rock band, dude. You don't gotta do all that stupid shit. You don't have to do it. Oh, but I want to. No, you don't. Why do you want to be in a noise rock band? Noise rock is ass cheeks. I like noise rock, but I also

like shit that sucks. You're going to be a musician and your parents are wealthy? Do the chain smokers thing. Make songs about blow jobs and house parties and the mountains and vacations. Do that. Make money. You know what I mean? Don't be, don't be, I like the DIY scene. Why? Why? I like my apartment. Nope. Go live with your parents, man. It's awesome. You know what I'd make a song about if I had rich parents? Name, let's hear it. Samuel the cat It's a character I've been working on Samuel the cat yep

What's what's his what's his deal? He's a orange Okay, his name is Samuel, and he's friendly Okay, is he sort of human-like? Does he possess any human-like qualities or is he just an orange cat? Mostly his smile. And he stands on his hind legs. And he has human teeth.

He has sort of shovel-shaped... Like if he drew a cat's teeth it would be kind of like that okay he's a cartoon cat in a children's book that I haven't written yet but I just thought of the children's book would probably be Samuel the Samuel the cat us it would the book would probably be called Samuel the cat Yeah, I think Samuel the cat Samuel the cat in the scary fright You don't have to over complicate these things. Yeah, okay. That's cool man. That would be the first installment But if I had on about this, yeah, if I if my dad was a billionaire, I'd write I'd say hey dad Business college worked out awesome and everything.

I know you sent me to business Harvard. Harvard Business College. And I learned how to make the biggest deals in the world. But it's time for me to, while being a CFO, also make a song about Samuel the Cat. What if, you know, and everybody wants to be, you know, Katy Perry mm-hmm or Lady Gaga nowadays yeah nobody wants to write songs about

Maybe a friendly cat friendly orange cat he stands on his hind legs Yeah, I'm working on yeah, I think I Think I should do a stand-up bit on Samuel the cat. I think that would go over really well. I'm not kidding. I think it would be like your, the bit, you know what I mean? Everybody kind of has a bit they're known for. I think it would be. Yeah, I think people would really like it and I think it would probably go viral. I think Matt Reif would unblock me on Twitter and he'd say hey come on the road. I know we got yeah you know I got you know we had some beef in the past. Oh were you calling me a pedophile and shit like several times based on absolutely nothing

just cuz just cuz I'm successful and you're not, but like on some real-ish, like we gotta connect. Like I'm trying to meet Samuel the Cat. Ah ha ha. And then I would say sure Matthew. Anything you say Matthew. Matthew Rifle. And then we would end up making, we would do a duo bit about Samuel the cat Sure, and and Daniel the cat Who's Daniel?

He's the cat that Matthew's been coming up with okay, okay? I call him Matthew because we know each other pretty well Sure, yeah other pretty well sure yeah yeah I buy that what if I wonder if we could get slowly get everybody to start calling him to his face Matthew I don't know enough people who know him I probably know like I don't know any I I only know Brandon Wardell that's the only person I've known who's ever interacted with them same with you probably Yep, yeah, I don't know why I was I'm sure we both know

I'm sure we both know other people who have had an interaction with him yeah, but in terms of Pete, I don't think either of us knows anybody who's a Who would have any info any influence? And maybe we know some teenage girls. Not anymore. No, no, no. I stopped talking to them a little while ago. I have to try to learn more about that demographic because I think I need to become a heartthrob

soon. Oh dude, speaking of teenage girls, this is fine. It's not going anywhere weird. At the store, that same old guy that I was telling you about awesome swish from half court this girl was on the other side of the fucking of the Store and she was talking to the helper guy that was helping them too, and she couldn't get hurt she had to get a new phone and she couldn't get the data to transfer over like her pictures and stuff and

The guy comes over there and helps her get it You know comes back and then the dude like like a fucking greyhound out the gate was like That girl spends a lot of time at the river you can tell because she was like really tan and like Her like she was wearing like a big t-shirt and like the top of her like bikini was hanging out or whatever and His wife's right next to him So I know that this guy has been fucking batting a thousand his entire marriage and is probably a very chill guy But just the tone Sometimes old creepy men don't have to say stuff like I'll drag my nuts cross broke glass get smell it

Then I say stuff like that. They can just say, you bet that girl spends a lot of time at the river. And she turned her head, didn't say anything, of course, but like, yeah, she was tan. There's a river down right down the road. But that guy just said that to her loudly, to everybody in the store. And everybody just kind of going about their day.

But I'm sitting behind them and I was just thinking like, no, dude, no, no. I'm glad I'm grateful. He wasn't like nice ass lady. You know what I mean, but I Know what the fuck you know what I mean like that's not that girl probably hangs out at the river But she said like I know what was going on in his head. You know what I mean like I know I think that's cute of him. I think more old guys should say stuff like that girls like it You think you think young like to be sort of casually? Yeah Yeah, why guys? say stuff like

Boy she sure can smile can't she yeah stuff like that girls like it when you say stuff like that for sure Yeah, no doubt. Yeah, what's with the frown? You look like a bitch right now. I bet those jeans- I say stuff like that to girls all the time. Those jeans fit you awesome. Closed toed shoes, aw. Is it cold in here? Nice fucking tits. I'm not golden here. Nice.

No, we're trying to. We're trying to be subtle old gentleman. We're trying to. We're trying to be **** you sure. You sure do. Wow. I must have forgot my underwear today. You have really small hands. Did you get a nose job?

You look big and fat and stupid. You look like a foolish woman without a husband. You're alone in this world with no man. But your womb smells horrible. Bet your eggs are drying up as we speak. Yeah, some old guys gotta go to jail. If you're listening to this, that means you're listening to the fucking free episode and that means it's free. But there is more shit that you can't pay for if you're listening to this that means you listen to the fucking free episode and that means it's free But there is more shit that you can't pay for if you so desire

head on over to patreon.com slash pendeo time one dollar month get you access to just the discord no bonus episodes be meet some cool motherfuckers in there and they're funny as hell and Five bucks a month get you access to a backlog of bonus episodes and video episodes as well as a bonus episode every week ten bucks a month gets you access to all that plus a video episode Every month I'm working on September's right now. You should go over to the YouTube We have free ones out as well check those out, but they're time worldwide at YouTube We have all of our our sketch check that out and our free video episodes

50 bucks a month is just a joke tier. No one really signs up for it If you are in Austin this fucking Friday, I'm doing Austin all-stars at the Velveeta room at 10 p.m. Some really funny people I'll be on that motherfucker. They could at the VelveetaRoom.com, the Austin All-Stars tab. And then October 10th, also at the Velveeta Room, I will be doing Ben Avery and Friends with the very funny friend of the show and close friend of mine of Lemon Party. Shout out to Lemon Party boys, Ben Avery. You can find those tickets at Velveeta Room as well. Any more spots, Thomas?

Not that I have ticket links for, so I'm all good. Okay, cool. All right, thanks for hanging out. Bye. Bye.