Pendejo Time - WSV

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

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Hey everybody, welcome to, uh, fuckin' In the Flesh. In the Flesh, you know. That's not what the show's called, but we're here. Welcome to In the Flesh Podcast. In the Flesh Productions. In the Flesh. Welcome to In the Flesh Productions Podcast.

We're up in the, we're up in this mother sucker, doing it live. I'm down here in beautiful San Marcos, Texas, home of Jack Hayes. I walked around the Capitol, not the Capitol, courthouse. Oh, yeah, the square. This morning, due to being severely damaged from last night's events. Yeah, I was going to ask you to tell the wonderful audience about your poison damage so uh as it turns out it turns out that i'm actually allergic to having a catfish platter and then 15 beers it does i think maybe it's shellfish or something yeah yeah uh that i'm allergic to but

i was working on it last night because i was pretty good about it last night because i didn't drink any water at all yeah and i drank as fast as i could and then as much as i was chain smoking indoors oh that was god damn it and uh what else i didn't do anything really bad you know nights can get you know nights can get bizarre some guys kill people some guys kill people yeah yeah children yeah start wars you know cheating their wives no you know no cocaine or anything like that involved just a classic throwdown you know what i mean honestly it the i you know obviously i was like i like my set i thought it went well but to your point you know lemon party was great shout out to the boys go check

them out um yeah if uh if you they're not paying me say this, but they've got two shows coming up, one in Houston and one in Fort Worth. You can still get tickets to those on lemonparty.show? .life, I think. .live or.life, I think. One of those. Yeah, just don't look up Lemon Party. Yeah, don't look up Lemon Party on its own.

Not if you're at work, but the show was great. It was cool to run into Shane. But I will say the best part of the evening is smoking a cigarette inside a building. And I'm not trying to dilute any other part of last night's experience. It was a fun as fuck night. Show was great. Very funny. Meetings were very funny.

You know, got to meet some funny people. Got to meet some truly insane people. Quebecois man who drove 2,000 miles to see the podcast live. Yeah. Did he drive? He drove from Quebec, yeah, like 2,200 miles. Well, good for him. That's why I was like, you know what, you can piss your pants.

He cornered me in the bathroom and was like, I'm fucking retarded. And I was like, you know what? You can piss your pants. He cornered me in the bathroom and was like, I'm fucking retarded. And I was like, uh-huh. He was like, bro, you're fucking your show. What is it? And I was like, pendejo time. And he was like, pendejo time. Dude, I just put my penis back in my pants. I had a little bit of dribble on my penis still.

I could feel it. He was like, pendejo time. Like pendant time like pendant like you were on your neck and i was like pendeo time and he was like i i am french i am frenchman with no self-respect that's like swag um cool man um he won the diaper contest i don't want to give too much away but go go check that out on their patreon if you want to know what i'm talking about anyway it was an intellectual night filled with um you know we had we were reciting poetry we were yeah we were reading ulysses yeah i think it's one of the most intellectual groups of people i've been around is stand-up comics. Yes, comedians, podcasters,

podcast fans in particular. Yeah. High-altitude geniuses themselves. Anyway, after I hang out with these guys, I always feel so good the next day. Yeah, I feel good about my sense of self-control and, you know, it's awesome as a grown man to be like to just be fucking going all out

on a wednesday night bunch of with a bunch of 40 year olds you're not even like i wasn't even doing comedy i was just in the audience yeah i'm like i'm like getting fucked up like oh we all had a hell of a show. Dude, it wasn't like that at all. But that is very funny. We're all brothers tonight. It's very funny to frame it that way. Like, man, I love drinking with you. Fifty year old dudes.

Keep doing your thing. Yeah. We're going to smoke cigarettes inside forever. Yeah, that was fucking awesome. That makes me feel like a fucking... Makes me feel like an arms dealer. Like I'm somebody... I'm high up in some sort of criminal organization.

Bro, you're a charms dealer. Yeah, that's true. I was selling them last night. I was selling charms. You were making the ladies swoon. No, I was not. I saw some ladies in the audience swoon. There were so many ladies in the audience.

So many women there. Yeah, girls. And all the dudes, they were in such good shape. The dudes there were actually pretty normal for the most part. It was just the weird guys were really weird, like you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's okay. You know, you don't have to be normal if you don't want to be.

There's a lot of different ways you can be. Very poetic. There's a lot of different ways you could be. You could be normal. You could be fucked up. You could be real fucked up. You could be sinister. You could be diet fucked up, like where you're like, I'm crazy.

And you're normal. Yeah, yeah. You're just like a teacher. You could be like a grippy sock vacation type, you know? You could be the type of person that's like, my BPD. Yeah, you can torture animals. You could? Yeah, you could do that.

Actually, don't pick that one. Pick a different one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can't really stop everybody from doing it. You know, I could only stop a couple people probably. If everybody in the world decided to torture animals, i could only save a handful of them probably what if you guys started torturing every animal in the world and i had to stop you how long do you think it would take how many animal species do you think i could save i don't think i could save most of them you uh you should like

maybe grasshoppers or something you should be like reverse Noah. Like you're just trying to kill all the... Yeah, I'm trying to... I kill everything but two of every species. Yeah. They just make inbred versions of the same thing. Oh, hell no. Oh, my God. We forgot to bring two backwoods on the ark.

Shit. Damn. I got to go into the flood oh my god we how are we gonna repopulate the backwoods the fucking i think the only other human on the boat with noah's like hey i know y'all got monkeys on this and i know y'all got all different types of beetle and i fucking seen a snake, but Noah, my guy, y'all got yurks on this boat? Y'all got runs? No, y'all got runs. Noah, I'm not smoking out of no goddamn Swisher.

I know you got to have duchies on this boat. No, I've been illuminated by God to save every animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that shit that God be telling you. I just need a yurk. I need a fucking 40 ounce noah had to bring two wiggers on the boat yeah the guy and the girl that she's like eating hot she's eating hot fries like fucking her acrylics up she's got like a cheetah print steering wheel for some reason no car yeah if he only brought one there there wouldn't be any Samsung gloves.

Yeah, fucking Adam 22 would not have a career right now. Nobody would have Cricut wireless. Nobody would have Cricut. The Pontiac Sunfire would have never been made. Yeah. Let's see. Jeans shorts would be only worn above the knee. They would be like the kind that your dad wears.

They wouldn't be below the knee, jean shorts. every juggalo would work at goldman sachs their lives would be completely normal they think they would actually yeah it's a blessing and a curse that that the wickers didn't make it on noah's boat because you know we've got we've got they did make it on the boat we've got some good things we've got some bad things. And President Marshall Mathers is here with an address. CIA agent Marshall Mathers has stopped a terrorist bombing in Tulsa. Probably could have stopped. Could have. Maybe Columbine.

They weren't wiggers. They were just troubled guys. That's as white as you can get. The Columbine guys? Yeah. Yeah. That's as white as you can get. The Columbine guys? Yeah. Yeah. That's a textbook right there. They were like James Bond.

Except kind of the opposite. You get all the animals on board, and God's like, hey, Noah. Yeah. Forgot a couple things. You got to go down. You got to go down. You got to go down to, I know that we are in technically like Mesopotamia, perhaps somewhere in the Fertile Crescent, clinically. You got to head on over to Jacksonville, Florida,

and you got to get to two wiggers. I ain't going on no boat. I ain't going on no boat with no white man. Listen, last time I went on a boat with a white man, something really bad happened to me. That's my trauma. We going fishing? Is he like slightly mentally disabled we're going fishing

hey no i'm very scared we're going fishing do you have any large white tees i could wear on the boat oh hell no why they led to why the hell they led two sharks on the boat they supposed to be in the water He's like trying to reason with Noah Noah come here Come here for a second These are fish You gotta put them back They don't belong on the damn Fucking caisson

He had to get caissons too We don't need no damn sharks on the boat Oh hell nah Who the hell let these two mosquitoes on? You could have been more selective in your choices. Noah.

Noah, the girl. Noah! Y'all got any hot fries on this boat? Maybe some moisturizer? Yeah, so Noah, I got what you needed. You said you needed two antelopes.

You needed two polar bears. You needed two ostrich. And you said you needed 1,000 cases of white owls, right? I had to kick the rhinoceroses off so we could fit room for the white owls and the Gatorade. Yeah, Noah's like talking to God, and he's like, all right, I'll fucking go down to Jacksonville, dude. But listen, I'm going to make the guy, he's going to run the fucking, he's going to get the animals I don't want to get.

He's going to get the snakes. He's going to get the fucking polar bears. He's going to get the goddamn tigers. All right, but that's it. It's the only way he's getting on my fucking boat. All right, that's fine. No, it's just work with him. He's probably going to have some requests.

Yeah, I need a thousand white owls. I only need blue Gatorade. I don't need red. Yeah, I had a thousand white owls. I only need blue Gatorade. I don't need red. Yeah, I had to kick the lions off because they kept drinking my Faygo. So I threw them in the ocean. They dead. Forever now. Noah's like, you got the owls, right?

He's like, yeah, yeah, I got them. Where are they? I smoke them. He's like, no, you got the owls, right? Yeah,, yeah, I got them. Where are they? I smoke them. He's like, no, like you got the owls, right? Yeah, I told you I got them. The fuck are they? I rolled them up. I rolled them up and I smoked them.

Yeah, I brought, let's see, I needed to find a motherfucking snake. I needed to find a motherfucking snake. I had to find a lizard, two killer whales, and I brought 300 overweight Latinas also. I brought all my baby mama's friends. I left her there. I left her, though. I left her. She a bitch right now. She drowning in friends. I left her there. I left her, though. I left her. She a bitch right now.

She drowning in shit. I hope she drown. I brought 300 big belly Latinas with fried bleach blonde hair, and the eyebrows are missing. Yeah, this is my baby mama's sister. I love her right now. Her name's Ebony. I know you told me only bring two types of animal,

but I had to bring 300 types of my favorite big bitch yeah and then uh and then i brought uh several i brought two kinds of mountain deuce so they can breed if they need to yeah that's how you make the live wire yeah i brought that uh i I brought two cans of Fort Loco for the children. I brought two Narwhal. I brought a lowered Catfish Camaro and a Pontiac G8 GT so they could eventually make the 2006 GTO, which will be my favorite. Yeah, so I hope you don't mind. I know you said two of every animal, but I brought about 300 pit bulls on the boat. They under the boat right now. They are not happy, I tell you.

I put them down there with the ducks and chickens and stuff. He's doing the inventory. He's like, all right right two chickens guys two ducks all right two beetles hey it's not bad it's pretty good better than i thought yeah we've got two lizards two worms 396 pitbulls 396 lowered bullies like the ones with the clipped ears were those necessary yeah i'm gonna start going to start breeding them once the flood's over. That's how I'm going to get my bread up. Yeah, so their father is Big Boss.

He is also their grandfather. And then their mother, her name is Hustle. So it's a two times Big Boss plus Hustle collab. so it's a two times big boss plus hustle collab and and hustle's granddaddy was big boss so it's a triple big boss with hustle with just a sprinkle of hustle in there do you i know you know your bible relatively well you know like the parts of the old testament that are just like and yeshua begot yeah jebediah and Jebed it's just like family lineages from like the tribe of Judah or whatever the fuck which is like and big horse baguette hostile and hostile baguette the toxic and the toxic but it's just like pictures toxic baguette

big Paco big Paco baguette never forget Bigat. Never forget. Cadillac 2. Cadillac 2, Bigat. Stank. Stank, Bigat. Big Nasty. Romeo. It's just, instead of, yeah, instead of just like patrilineal lines or whatever, it's just pictures of the most fucked up pit bulls you've ever seen.

It's like fucking... Yeah, I would read the Bible if it was like that. Yeah, like the... You've got the NIV, you got King James, you got the ESV, and then you have the WSV, Wigger Standard Version. Yeah. With the RASV, Real Ass Shit Version. Yeah, yeah. So, like... version yeah that with the rasv realized shit version yeah yeah so like off jump there wasn't nothing like it was real quiet out there it was quiet as a mouse i was creeping i was lurking and

then no motion no i had no motion no movement in these streets. And then all of a sudden, it got fucking bright as hell, like somebody turned the light on. Like, okay. And like a week later, here's the shit. I'm like, all right, something's going on. Yeah, something's going on. And on the seventh day, he was like, man, I'm tired as hell. I don't want to fuck around with this no more.

Yeah, on the sixth day, he invented hitting it from the back. And on the fifth day, he invented hitting it from the back. And on the fifth day he invented hitting it from the front and kissing. And on the fourth day he invented badass bitches that get money every day and know what they're worth. And on the third day he invented sticking to the paper and minding my own business. He invented sticking to the paper and minding my own business. And on the second day, he invented staying true to the hustle and never forgetting where you came from. Never forgetting your roots. On day one, he invented respect.

Yeah, day one was respect. Everything was built on that. Yeah. And on the eighth day, he doubled back. And he invented cars. And being fucking's fucking badass hanging out you put a badass radio in there you put a 400 a four thousand dollar sound system in a two thousand dollar dodge neon yeah and on day nine he invented spinning the block and making the ops bleed just like just got like just a glowing orange light hovering above like a dude with a shaved

head with like blonde hair and like a big white tall tee and he's like on the sixth day yeah i invented bad bitches and staying true to yourself all right he's like the prophet muhammad just like writing it down on the seventh day i took a, just kidding. I'm always on my hustle. I invented fucking. On the fifth day, the Lord invented slim, thick, yellow bone girl with white toenails. God's like, all right, look, actually, I didn't invent that on the fifth day. And the angel said, that was fact. Hey, listen, listen, listen. Hey, listen, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I did not invent slim, thick, yellow bones with white toenails. That kind of came after. You know what I mean? I did invent bad bitches. I will give you that. It's like looking over a shirt, like covering it like a test. And Adam was born, and he had a big-ass dick with veins in it. And he had sick-ass tattoos, and he was 6'4".

And he could hoop crazy like me and my cousins. He had his first name in Old English across his shoulder blades. It just said Adam, and then it was a picture of a gun. He had an 82 rating on My Player. On the 9th, they got him in a 2K. He invented being cold as hell At 2K And playing live

With all your friends And having a good ass time Yeah On the 10th day God invented Playing Call of Duty And your girl call you And she say

I need you to Help around the house And you say Shut up I don't give a fuck about you And you still play the game Say I Fucking

Fucking Throw that baby away I don't care i'm playing the fucking game on day on day 12 on day 12 he in minneyer yeah uh and that's basically the whole ass bible um it's like it's like four pages it's like the first two pages in like size three font or just all the shit the cool shit got invented the first two pages In like size 3 font Or just all the shit The cool shit God invented The last two pages are like

As close as he could get to the story Of like Christ's life Yeah Revelations is the same Yeah yeah yeah He independently came up with it also Without reading them up There was a white ass horse And there was a motherfucker on there,

and he had some type of blade coming out of his mouth like a platinum grill. And there was a beast with 40 heads, and it had 40 gold Cuban chains on as well. And it had 80 feet. It had on those 80 feet it had 40 pairs of Jordan Concord 11s.

One of them was ready to die. One of them was hella hungry. One guy was pretty sick and one guy was just dead. Something like that. And they all came riding in on fucking swingers. A slab the color of death. Black.

Murdered out. Bumping screw. And fucking banging through the boulevard. Is that correct, guy? Yeah, it'll fucking do, I suppose. All right. Now get to the part with the lion heads and all that stuff. Yeah, that was a big-ass cat.

Big-ass cat. Big ass cat. Big ass cat. He was mad as hell. Yeah, then like 2,000 years go by and there's a guy who's like God's son or something, but it's also God, I guess. Yeah. He was wild and he pissed the president off. Yeah, he was wiling he pissed the president off He made the president real man and president was like I'm gonna kill all the babies to make sure this motherfucker ain't the guy Who said wasn't yeah, he pissed off Emperor Palpatine

They say you got too much motion Jesus Okay, he was the guy Harold He's got like one headphone on one ear. Jesus' landlord, Harold, was on some bullshit. And he said, Jesus, you got so much emotion right now. I'm tired of you having so much emotion. You got to chill because you're stealing all the bitches. And Jesus said, fuck no.

So they started doing this thing called, what's it, Overpass, where they would drive their cars real fast by everybody's house to make sure Jesus wasn't at the house. They'd do drive-bys on the house. The Roman soldiers would let choppers sing on the fucking mud hut just to make sure Jesus' bitch ass wasn't in there jesus once turned a basket of of 20 bags into 500 bricks and he flipped him and he fed the whole neighborhood with it he's standing like in

front of the pharisees with just like like a woven wicker basket of like little shitty bunk 20 bags. He just waves his hand over it. It's just like uncut like fish scale bricks. He's like, and you may all now eat. It's like starts passing him out and shit. He put a pair of Cartier bucks on a blind man and let him see again. He just has cornrows. blind man and let him see again. It's like, he just has cornrows.

Jesus was six foot tall and he had fucking dope ass cornrows. He had on like perfectly fitting and worn basketball shorts. And people, some motherfuckers were trying to sell in his territory. They were trying to slang out of his father's house. He came in, flashed the Glock and got up out of there yeah he went to hibbett sports and he got a pair of air

force ones and he put them on the feet of a man who couldn't walk and that man got up and he started hooping the man had never hooped before in his life suddenly this man could get up and hoop like doesn't even address walking a guy who was paralyzed he couldoped before in his life. Suddenly this man could get up and hoop. Like doesn't even address walking. A guy who was paralyzed. He could never hoop in his life. Just like, this is like a guy in like,

yeah, like fucking, I don't know, 30 AD or whatever. It's just like on a rock with withered ass legs. Yeah, I'm 30 in AD, always down. But, but, girl, I'm 36 AD. I'm 36 years old and I'm always down. Ooh.

Yes, sir. Yeah. You BCE, bitch. Come. Come eat it. Yes, sir. Yeah. UBC. Bitch. Come. Come eat it. Yes, sir. There it is. Bitch, come eat it. That is the Uyghur standard version of the Old and New Testament. I was trying to think of other stories of the Bible. Oh, yeah. Hey, Jesus, We found this Nasty ass bitch She a slut She been giving it up To the whole town

Hey That's cool Maybe leave her be Maybe let her Maybe let her make A little money on the side She could be my top bitch He who is without

Getting pussy Suck the first dick He who has not Spun the block Let the first chopper sing There we go Yes sir That is Ephesians

No that is Player Hayden Verse 10 chapter 2 I got so many liquid deaths I'm starting to feel fucking Like a cool hardcore dad Oh yeah Starting to feel like a cool hardcore guy

Like maybe I'm 36 AD See I've got a 19 year old ad girlfriend you know what i mean i think i had the same reaction everybody did whenever i first saw them i thought okay that's gay yeah yeah it's good yeah and then you know you drink one and you're like okay it's it tastes good then you're like for me at least i worked my way back around to okay okay, I look gay drinking this, and that's fine. Yes. The rest of my image is not necessarily rock solid masculine. You know what I mean?

Right, right, yeah. Like, oh, man, I'm going to look feminine when I do my podcast on my computer. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, that's a feminine thing to do anyway it's all right if i look stupid drinking something in public if it tastes good i don't i don't really care anymore i had a very similar experience with like vaping where like when the vapes first dropped they were like big and ugly like they weren't like they made them sleek like the jewel like

they made them look cool or whatever and i like i had kind of like i was like 20 and i bought one of the big like fucking mods or whatever and i was like dude this is looks gay i look like a moron and so i quite literally just because it looks stupid went back to smoking cigarettes that liquid death is the version of that where you're like i have a drinking drinking problem, you know? Not me personally, just this guy, hypothetically. Yeah, you don't. Jake doesn't. Don't get the wrong idea. You for sure don't, man.

It's not like we've been doing this show together for fucking three years. Yeah, you're good. You're solid. But yeah, you're like, I have a drinking problem. But man, these liquid death cans are stupid looking so i think i'm gonna go back to the bottle because at least there's something romantic about an alcoholic at least for a little while like being a drunk but you have to be good at something you know what i mean like you have to be like really good at writing or like you got to be

crazy funny or a good actor or you have to be like a tinkerer you know what i mean like you got to be crazy funny or a good actor or you have to be like a tinkerer you know what i mean like you got to be oh you know uncle bill like he's a drunk but he'll fix your car up like real good or whatever the fuck like you can't just be you can just be an alcoholic yeah that's a that's a but most of them are yeah most of them do not have any good probably 20 of the population is just have no savant qualities no talents they're just hopeless just a piece of shit if you want to it turns out yeah yeah yeah that is 100 true i uh i remember like uh i don't know if you went through this phase but um i went through like a big hunter s thompson phase where i was like uh like i I saw like fear and loathing in Las Vegas. I think

I was like, I was like 18 or 19 and I saw fear and loathing in Las Vegas, like my freshman year of college. And I was like, Oh yeah, that's who I am. Like I'm a drunk, like drug addict, but I'm like cool. And I do like, I do cool journalism. I didn't do any cool. I wrote like i do cool journalism i didn't do any cool i wrote like blogs for like ten dollars i did like copywriting for like 10 bucks a page and i was like yeah like it fucking hunter s thompson like embedded himself with like the hell's angels for what it's worth and like you know probably a sketchy guy but like did write cool shit i was like yeah i would tell people i meet that i'm like working on shit i'm working on something working on this piece maybe like oh what it's about i'm, it's not really ready.

Can't really talk to you about that right now. And I like at the time I was like, yeah, it's what makes me. I'm not just a 19 year old like coke head that like drinks every day. I'm like, I'm an art. You know what I mean? Like I'm an artist, you know? Yeah. Like I'm cool.

Like I'm working on you know what I mean like I'm an artist you know like yeah like I'm cool like I'm working on something yeah and I'm not to say that you should like if you are struggling with substance abuse and you happen to be good at something don't romanticize the former as a part of the latter that's Jake's life advice corner to you but if you're just if you're just a loser and you also do that stuff hey man maybe keep, maybe keep. Hey, fuck it. Keep doing it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, it's not my business.

I'm not mad at you. Yeah. But it was like definitely went on a little longer than it should have for me. Yeah. I think I think a lot of guys go through a phase like that. I wasn't necessarily. I think I. I think Hunter S. Thompson culturally made a comeback when you were...

I mean, he hasn't been dead for that long, but I feel like there was another wave. There was. Like, more when you were in college and I was a little bit younger. And so, like, I kind of got to that age around the tail end of it to where it was, like, becoming kind of... It was cringy again. Yeah, it was kind of cringy again. the tail end of it to where it was like becoming kind of cringy again yeah it was kind of cringy again and i was like but i saw that and i was like dude thank god because that would i would have eaten that shit line and sinker baby oh yeah because he i mean look he seemed pretty cool you

know what i mean i'm not i don't know anything about anybody but um you know you drink if you drink rum at 2 p.m and like kill an eight ball and smoke a pack of cigarettes and then like hang out with hell's angels like when i'm when i I was like, dude, I could do that. Yeah. Now, if I met a guy who did that, I'd say, I don't want to fucking hang out with you. Exactly. You want to be a guy that you would not spend 10 minutes in a room with. No.

In public, around people, let alone and not just because that would be annoying to me but because i cannot be around cool guys who do heroin right stuff yeah you need to be around losers that do heroin if i'm around a cool guy who does speed balls that's bad that's bad for my brain because i go, what if I was a cool guy? Yeah, what if I was? I'm almost 25 years old and I would go, wait a minute. What if I was cool? Thomas, you know how things usually work out for you when you try new drugs? What if you never having done heroin in your life? Yeah.

Try to fucking speedball. You know how this is the first time you've had your life together at all, like ever? What if you just. You know, your life's going pretty good right now for the first time. And since you came out into this world. You know how you have a spare maybe $50 a week? What if you spend all that on cocaine? Fucking horse, yeah.

On enough cocaine for two hours. Yeah. What if you had all that on cocaine horse yeah on enough cocaine for uh two hours yeah what if you had two good hours every week um yeah like i uh i've talked about this on the show but i remember like moving to austin and like seeing and hanging out with guys like that at the stage of my life where i was really into like you know the the romantic substance abuser or whatever like the talented the fucking cliched like troubled genius type archetype that was like I was like no that's me I'm that guy or whatever and it was so fucking corny and so stupid but anyway point I'm making is like doing an open mic or like doing like 10 minutes when i was like yeah like 18 or 19 and then hanging out at some like guy's apartment who

was like hosting the show and he's like watching he's watching like old big boy rap videos like on youtube with through like a blown out speaker and we're just like railing lines and he's like and the thing about stand-up is you do it 20 years, and then it happens for you. But you've got to fucking put your time in. Me, I'm 12 years in. Now I've got my own show. Look at me. And I'm like, I'm not alarmed at all.

In my head, I'm like, yes, I'm taking notes. I'm like, dude, yes. I can't wait to have a studio apartment in the back. And the fucking only, the only part of Austin that's quote unquote shitty or bad. And I live alone and there's cat piss all over my apartment and no one texts my phone. Except Bill Collector. Yeah, I think I would be so happy if this is my life. Dude, literally.

Yeah. Yeah, I like. But honestly, dude, I can say this. Having gone through that phase, maybe it lasted a little too long maybe till like 22 or whatever maybe it did i would meet i have met and would meet at that point in my life and now as an older man when you're when guys are doing that and they're like 33 like when i go when i play punk shows and like sometimes we'll get booked to play um like mixed genre bills or whatever so it'll be like a punk band a hardcore band and us or whatever and i meet guys who are

like balding or graying and there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with balding or graying it's a beautiful thing it's aging it's a natural process but they're like you they're like hey good show bro that was sick and you're like yeah and you gotta strike up a conversation it's like yeah yeah i'm kind of like i got my own thing right now like i'm kind of like a kind of like a call myself like a gonzo photographer and you're like oh like like the guy that worked with hunter let's talk about gonzo yeah yeah like i kind of just live out of my car and i take pictures of the beach you're like hey man a hobby's a hobby i love you also um i don't trust you you know what i mean like there's something i don't think that's what you take pictures of i think you just lied to me

yeah if i'm keeping the bill with you young buck uh i don't think that's what you want to take pictures of i think you want to take pictures of other shit i think you want to take a picture of the inside of a woman's asshole yeah yeah i guess i guess the larger point i'm trying to make is like i i don't i don't want to ever put a timeline on hobbies because i'll be fucking 70 years old playing fucking you know stupid acoustic covers on it and you know trying to make the grandkids laugh or whatever but there's a persona i think there's an archetype after 30 after maybe i don't know after 30 you should stop trying to be a character as a man you know what i mean like you should not have any more characters you're trying out if that

makes sense yeah you should just whoever you are is whoever you are at that point yes yeah yeah and at that point it also like doesn't matter who you are right like if you're a bad person fix that i guess but what i'm right but like you should have enough going on in your life by like i feel like at some point in your 20s yeah to where you're not like constantly like because you like your late teens early 20s i feel like a lot of it's just like oh who am i right who do i want to be? Yeah. Right. And it's like, okay, at a certain point you've been a person for a while and you have bills and things to deal with. And there's people in your life,

hopefully that you are thinking about more than what if I started wearing those shirts where it's got a tuxedo on it, but it's a t-shirt. Yeah. That could be my thing. What if I was telling girls that I was a war correspondent and i like i was covering the civil war in el salvador what if i was telling girls i was a motorcyclist no i mean yeah like like the uh it's a very privileged and i don't mean to use that that very abused term but it is a very like it's a very silly because people in

like i'm trying to say people in like senegal when they turn 20, they're not like I think I'm going to get into motorcycles and I'm going to be like, you know what I mean? Or like people who live in like the Darien Gap or whatever, like people who live in abject poverty in the developing world are like, I'm 22. I was a motorcycle guy and now I'm going to be a photographer guy. guy and now i'm gonna be a photographer guy it's very much i want to say not necessarily exclusively an american thing but like to be like you see a movie when you're 19 and you're like i'm gonna be that guy for a year like that's to me that's so much like a like a an american movie brain guy you know what i mean like definitely you read a book and it's like you read on the road by kerouac dude that when i was in high school, I'm glad I missed this. I was too young.

This was like people that were in college in like 2010 or whatever, like some older friends that I had that graduated a couple years before me. On the Road had a resurgence, and people were doing the beatnik thing where they're like, yeah, I'm going to wear a leather jacket, and I'm going to fucking smoke clove cigarettes and I'm going to listen to fucking Lou Reed and I'm going to listen to fucking, you know, like, oh, I'm listening to Coltrane.

And it's like, all that stuff is cool. Leather jackets are awesome. I like a nice clove cigarette every now and then. You put all that together and you just get like a pedophile. You get a sex criminal. You know what I mean? Yeah. I've never had a clove cigarette.

Aren't they banned now? Didn't. No, I thought. No, I thought. I mean, last I checked, you can still get jarms. I thought Joe Bamba. Joe Bamba. I thought Joe Bamba banned them.

I was looking at pictures of Matty Glacius. Let's see. Unless they banned them. But I feel like I just saw Jarhams at the vape store the other day, which were the clove cigarettes that people were smoking in high school when I was a young buck on the scene coming up. Oh, yeah. In 2009, the FDA prohibited cigarettes with any flavor other than tobacco or menthol, which included cigarettes made with cloves or clove oil.

Now, I'm not saying you can't get them. I was going to say I definitely smoked a bunch of them because people had them and I would bum them. And this was well after 2009. But, yeah, I mean, also we were talking the other day about how you can go to the gas station now and buy mushrooms. So I guess it doesn't really matter. They are clearly illegal. Yeah.

I would... They should do one with bergamot. Like an Earl Grey cigarette. That would be nice. You can buy herbal smokes from like... What the fuck? Lebanon? There's a place they sell cool looking...

They got colored paper and shit. And there's rose hip in there. Yeah. Fucking Bergamot and St. John's mugwort and all that shit. Catnip. I probably shouldn't get back into smoking cigarettes. It's not a good hobby. It makes you feel horrible.

Dude. It really like, some people are just, some people, I don't know if they're in denial or what, or maybe I just, whenever I did smoke, I just smoked more. I think that's it. I was going to say, I think when you're unhealthy and you smoke like a pack

or plus a day you don't feel like shit because of the cigarettes you feel like shit because of everything else that you're doing you know what i mean yeah you don't notice the cigarette um pains and the out of breath shit because like at least for me it's like well you're also like drinking every day or like yeah shit or whatever you know yeah but i just i also get paranoid i don't like fucking up my teeth worse yeah yeah because i really like fucking they went through the ringer in my late teens early 20s i ate so much candy and just i mean seriously i just eat pounds of candy just fuck my shit up um and then you know probably chewing tobacco and stuff didn't help either but probably mostly candy on it just sour patch watermelons and stuff you ever like notice your teeth getting like more and more

chipped as you get older. And it's not like, not like something I'm necessarily insecure about. I just, sometimes I'm like, I don't even know how that happened. I, uh, I,

I, I like had a big chip on my front tooth one time from, um, brushing my teeth too hard. I think I was brushing my teeth with too much pressure, and the brush slipped, and I punched myself in the face. I chipped part of my tooth off, and I was like, I don't think I know how to do anything.

Mine are fucked up, chipped from... When I first started boxing, when I was in high school, it was at one of those old school, like, the gyms that you hear about. Like, people talk about, like, if you didn't bring your mouthpiece or whatever, I'd be like, I'll coach it on my mouthpiece. And he'd be like, okay. Get in there and fight that grown man or whatever. Or spar that adult man. And if you didn't bring it it was your fault so my shit

was chipped from that and then also just like grinding my fucking teeth yeah like just like you know um but again you know when you're living that type of life um it's cool it's another type of pain i remember listening to come town back in the day, and at one point Nick bought the scraper that the dentist has. Oh, the tongue scraper? Yeah. No, for cleaning in between your teeth. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he was just using that every day

because he thought it would keep his teeth. Like ripping his enamel off and shit? Yeah, he just thought it kept your teeth extra clean. Jesus Christ. He's awesome. Yeah, that's awesome. And they were both like, what the fuck are you doing? And he was like, no, my teeth are super clean now.

There was like a moment. I love Nick. Dude, yeah. There was like a thing. He had said, oh, he had said, um oh i don't wear deodorant because i don't have body odor and and they were like no like you do and he's like i don't or whatever and they were like no like you think you don't but like there's no way you don't stink and he was like all right smell me stop was like no dude you, you stink. You stink smell like you didn't put on deodorant today.

He was, like, swearing by, like, not wearing deodorant or whatever. Anyway. That's awesome. Yeah, I fucking – that was another – there are so many – speaking of, like, different versions of guys you can be, I'm not saying that I chose one in my younger years that was good. But the college I went to was like super hippy dippy. And there was a ton of guys who would walk around barefoot.

And it wasn't like they made a big stink about it. No pun intended. That was like they were like One guy was in the food hall Like the fucking What's it called Like the Where you go to get food Like outside your

Food court Food court whatever Yeah the college food court And he didn't have any fucking shoes on Oh cafeteria you mean Yeah that word that I've heard A billion fucking times in my life Yeah he was in there with no shoes on

And one of the ladies Like the The lady that was like overseeing the salad bar, like, fucking trying to make myself some lunch. And I overheard she was like, young man. He was like, yes. She was like, excuse me, you need to wear shoes in a food court. And he was like, I don't need to wear shoes. I'm barefoot.

And that's fine. And was, like, being really sassy about it. She was like, people eat here it's like unsanitary it's disgusting he was like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna put on shoes just to go get food and like goes to walk away and she like follows him and is like very loudly like put shoes on when you come in here again and everyone's turning to him and just notices his nasty ass like crust punk feet they weren't like he was fucking weird looking and was like wearing like the hemp canvas like uh bob marley tie-dye style poncho let's go you know like the red hot chili peppers long kid and um basically without saying it like hey this boy don't got no shoes on she was doing it

in a very professional way but it was like please, please, next time you come in, wear shoes. And he was like, just like rushed out. But those that guy, that type of dude that's like, I'm going to fucking make a political statement. I like not wearing shoes is very much like a. That's a tough one. I mean, it's it's you got to pick your battles. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's war and shit and like famine and like, you know, fucking coups and shit and overthrows

and genocide. But yeah, that was one I'm glad I missed out on because I, there, there are a hierarchy of different types of guy you can be. I think one's, they're all annoying, but they're all, uh the some are more annoying than annoying than others, some are cooler. Yeah, I was I kind of regret it. And when I was in college, just being like one of those rich kids, it's just like always in the brand new Corvette, like always has a designer clothes on because I felt like it just kind of distanced me from like the regular kids like anytime i'd like have my chauffeur drop me off to class or something it was like i could feel a little bit of tension between like like me and the you know there were popular kids right but i felt like i was so popular it almost made me an outcast i like how in your mind this is this beautiful picture you just painted in your mind and this speaks to your upbringing as well as mine the nicest car you

could think of on the jump was a corvette which is like not like rich people drive them but like lexus bmw sob you know fucking range rover You're like, you know, I was so rich. I had a 2002 Jerry Red. It's like a boomer car. You know, like something that like a middle-aged or like end-of-stage life guy would get or whatever. I had a red Corvette. I had Maui Jims. You know, I had Tommy Bahama shirts.

I was just a rich 18-year-old from fucking Peaster, Texas. I was at the uh smoke shop slash phone repair shop the other day and it's right next to a laundromat this dude pulls up to the laundromat in a fucking brand new um like it looks like off the lot yeah mustang okay um black with like red trim very sick um and i think it was uh you said like gt 500 or something i don't i don't know all the mustang s660 something and at first i'm like fucking douchechebag. Right. Because I'm jealous. Right. But then as I go to leave, I see him. This dude's like 75.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh, this is a guy whose wife probably died. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And he was like, you know what? Fuck it. We're getting the car. Yeah.

But then I also thought, why is this guy at a laundromat? You went deeper. Yeah. at a laundromat. You went deeper. Yeah, I thought if I had that money, I would try and live somewhere that had a washing machine. Right. That would probably be

a higher priority. Even for me as a vain man, I hate going to the laundromat. It's dog shit. Yeah, it's horrible. It's terrible. It's the worst. Yeah.

I've always thought me and Alex were joking about this where it's horrible it's the worst yeah i i've always thought oh me and alex were joking about this where it's like i love making fun of old men who like it's funny to make fun of old leathery guys that get on trt and like you know fucking have like a muscle car or whatever or like get a stupid haircut i don't want i think i might i could see that being a future for me not out of a desire to reclaim my youth at all. But like if you're 75, you know, life expectancy in the US is declining. You're not going to pay for that Mustang. It's not going to pass on to you.

The debt won't pass to your kids. Fuck it, dude. Get get Chad surgery. You know what I mean? Like 76 years old. Like like go get matt rife surgery go buy a fucking shelby gt 500 go buy cobra go get a condo in fucking miami don't if you listen it's weird if you add in like sexual deviancy to this stuff and you're trying to bang coeds i just live a live that life but solitude yeah you know You know what I mean? Be the iced out monk. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. You deny yourself sexual pleasures as an old man, but you absolutely are like, yeah, I'm going to get, because I'm not going to pay for it. I would get a credit card. Like, you get diagnosed with like early stage cancer, but you're old.

So, you know, there's an 80% chance that even though they call it early, best case scenario, you probably still only got like eight years left. Not less. Five. Fuck it. Go get a car payment that's like $1,000 a month. Go get a fucking Chad surgery. Dude, go get wing tattoos on your back.

Like big angel wing tattoos. Get a gold tooth. Fuck it. that'll be solid i want one now i used to want one and then i realized that i already have like gold earrings and i would just kind of look like a pirate yeah but honestly dude i think i look like a gay pirate that would be sick sick, though. Because, again, of all the things aesthetically that are in right now, like the 70s chic, the mullets, the fucking, you know, like the long kind of feathered hair on girls, bell bottoms, all that shit. If you were like a metrosexual pirate, you don't have to dress like a pirate with like a fucking vest.

You don't have to dress like fucking Jack Sparrow. But if you rocked like a gold canine with the gold earrings that might be sick might be cool i would probably rather just get invisalign yeah i'd rather just think i'd rather just my jaw not hurt but um grind my teeth at night yeah yeah i told people in my life that i love and that i respect and that i care for i go through like weird phases where i get like hyper obsessed with buying stupid shit. Like three years ago, I got really into boot knives. No fucking reason.

I just bought like knives off Amazon and I just put them in my boot and it's like walked around. It's like right before we started the show, maybe like four years ago. I got my like I got money back from my student loans for grad school. And I was like looking at fucking like cult like blue steel, like razor sharp boot knives on Amazon. And I was like, fuck it. I want to get one of these. And I was just like, no reason. I'm not encountering like enemies, you know, like I go to a liberal arts college.

I study philosophy like I'm not running into any many ne'er-do-wells, you know. But shortly after that phase was over of buying stupid shit like maybe a year ago not more like two i really wanted a grill like i wanted a bottom piece i think i told you yeah yeah we discussed it yeah and i was i was like ash what do you think if i got a bottom piece she was like like a grill I was like yeah she was like um why and I was like because I think it would look awesome and I've been looking at them online I could drop like five hundred dollars on one it would ruin me for the month you know it would completely this is when I had like an eight hundred dollar a month like car note plus insurance you know it would ruin me when I was like, look, it's cheap.

You can get a really nice rose gold one with cubic zirconia for $780. It'll fuck me up for two months, but then I would have a sick-ass bottom-piece grill. Everyone I talked to, all my best friends were like, then you would be you. Nothing about you would change. You would be you, gangly, pale as shit, greasy ass hair, fucking a very kind of almost Asian fetal alcohol syndrome look to you, but with a bottom grill. Like, how do you do you think that when you got the bottom grill, you would become cooler? You're a grown man. You're an adult man.

And I was like, no, like, I understand your points of view. Like, I really appreciate you guys keeping it a bill with me. But I do think of what you just said. Yes, if I got a bottom grill that all the problems in my life would, like, go away. And they would. It's a thing. That's how it works. You know where I'm at with it?

I'm literally doing the same shit. I'm doing the same shit, but with old muscle cars. I just, it. You never see Paul Wall frowning. You don't. You only see him fucking cheesed the fuck up. He's cheesed theing. You don't. You only see him. He's always the fuck up. He's the fuck up.

He's got that ice on him. He's having a good ass time in his life. So he's so awesome. He's always opening that big ass mouth and showing it off. Hey, Paul, while you might show me that mouth? It opens it on command. They're in the studio recording grills. You want to see my what? They're trying to record that song.

It's like my Iceman, Paul Wall. I'm a people's champ. Fucking Slim Thug comes on. He's like, yeah, he likes to open his mouth hella wide and show his tongue. Let me see your mouth. Hey, Slim, hold on. Run that back by me one more time. All right, here we go.

All right, Paul, bring us in on the hook. Ice man, Paul Wall, I'm the people's champ. And I want to see his tongue out of his mouth too, like he drooling. Close your eyes, open up paul slam come on dude this is fucking where it's like an eight hundred dollar an hour studio record label is paying for this you're gonna let swisha house foot the bill on this i don't know if they're on swisha house i don't want to be incorrect i'm a houston native i should know that you don't want to swish house i don't know native. I should know that. You don't want to have...

All of Swisher House. I don't know about Slim Thug. I think maybe he was at one point. Anyway, we don't want to have to put this on Swisher House. Tab.

Right, Slim? So we're going to give you a third try. Ice Man Paul Wall. I'm the people's champ. Let me put it in there, Paul. Paul, let me put it in there. Open up nice and wide for me.

It's cool that he's reached cult status in Houston to the point where like, so has Trey the Truth. He has Trillburgers. You're so good. You're such a cultural staple that you can just, like, show up to a place and be like, this is my burger stand. Like, Mark Wahlberg did it, but, like, fuck Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, I feel like Houston's weird because there's, like, there's celebrities in Houston,

which is one of the biggest cities in the world. Yeah, it's the fourth biggest in the country. There's celebrities in Houston who are huge in Houston and, like, not that big elsewhere. Yeah. Like guys, you know, like guys like Slim Thug or Trey the Truth. Zero probably, no, Zero had a little bit more in the South in general. I mean, to be fair, also, like, back in the, you know, heyday or whatever, they probably had more reach.

I mean, people know who that is but like they're not paul wall is like household name yeah yeah yeah um but i always liked when i was like but it's weird that you can like be that famous in that big of a city and then like it's just i don't know i think it kind of speaks to how Houston is. It has its own. Yeah. I always liked... I was talking with one of the other people at the show last night about... People thought, look, Houston's ugly.

It's flat. It's gray. It stinks. But people are always like, oh, Austin has the best food or whatever. The food here is fucking dog shit. Food in Austin sucks nuts. Uh, at least compared to Houston,

but also like Houston has its own. What I was getting at is like, I can't think of, I mean, Dallas kind of has its own underground, like really thriving hip hop scene, but not like Houston. No.

And, and Dallas is known for being, it's less collaborative. Yeah. It's more like, it's very doggygy dog yeah yeah at least like last i knew of it i don't want to claim to be a current expert on the underground rap scene in dallas but but like from what i understand it's very like every man for himself that big

x the plug guy blew up recently he's from dallas yeah yeah um but i don't i don't know i think he's from maybe he's from oak cliff or something like that but but yeah the uh i always thought it when i first like got really into houston rap when i was like like seventh grade i think if you're a young white boy in the houston area around the time somebody shows you like Rain by ABN, it's like typically seventh or eighth grade. Anyway, and then you learn about the culture and you start understanding it, you know. Yeah. And you ingratiate yourself and you learn and you read and you fucking study.

Anyway, I love that a consistent character, and he's his own man now but a consistent character in that group is just an asian guy that sells the johnny dang like just like you know you trade the truth slim thug paul wall you know zero uh fucking mike jones and then the guy that sells them their jewelry is just like a v, like a Vietnamese wigger. I don't know. You know what I mean? I don't know how else. Just a guy that and he's so sick, dude.

He's so cool. Like every fucking video I see of Johnny Dang is him just having a dope ass time. Yeah. Apparently, like Paul Wall, like discovered him. Oh, really? Yeah, I was. I read a I was I think I read his wikipedia page and basically this story at least this was on wikipedia i think at the time um like he had like a little it's like a

stand setup in the vietnamese part of town and i think paul wall was over there like he was trying to buy jewelry and he liked his stuff and like put him on or whatever yeah yeah and was like oh can you like make a piece for me or whatever and it like grew from there well like 20 almost 30 years later you know he's in that mexican ot like johnny dang like that yeah you know like it's still very much like a part of yeah i don't know it's just it's it's so funny in the like the old music videos where sometimes he'd make a cameo or something and it's's like, you know, fucking... They're in, like, the second ward or whatever, slabs, fucking swinging, banging,

the whole nine yards, and then just, like, a little Asian guy with just, like, a million dollars of jewelry on. Like, dude, this is sick. I love that you guys, like, hey, this is our guy, you know? No, he seems legit. I like Johnny Dang.

It'd be cool if he, uh... If he maybe comes on and maybe, and maybe takes me under his wing. You want to be like a well-respected but cult status jeweler? Yeah, I'm not very good with working. I don't have a lot of money to purchase precious gems, really. No. I don't have investment capital to purchase rare metals. I don't really have good fine motor skills. Yeah. I don't have like an investment capital to purchase i don't really have good like fine motor skills yeah um i don't really have an eye for beauty yeah yeah i don't have

patience for stone setting uh from what i understand it is a very niche you know talent and skill that you develop over decades um i don't really uh like human beings. Yeah. I'm kind of racist. I wouldn't want to sell jewelry in impoverished parts of town. I wouldn't want to sell jewelry to African-American people. Maybe I can be the Johnny Dang for just white guys. Maybe that could be what you could do. Johnny Smith.

Johnny Appleseed, Johnny. Oh yeah. We're cooking with this one. We're cooking gas. Anyway, any who's, I guess this is,

oh, everybody got an hour. Um, thank you for listening. Uh, this has been Pendejo time. If you are, if this is your first time listening,

thank you so much. We also have a Patreon. You can catch at patreon.com slash pendejotime. Yes, sir. $5 a month gets you... What does that get you, Jake? That gets you access to a bonus episode a week plus access to the Discord. And we got a whole backlog of bonus episodes on access for you fellas.

$10 a month gets you access to our backlog of video episodes as well as Discord access. Yeah, that's it. Check out the YouTube, youtube.com, Pandejo Time. Subscribe to that motherfucker. Check out our sketch. We got our live show from Chicago up there as well as some free video episodes, which we will also be providing. Check us out on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, all that bull crap. Yeah.

All right. Bye-bye. Adios.