Pendejo Time - Yellow Wet Bread

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Hearty Thomas Recipes for the American Home Support the Show.

Who's the biggest freak in Atlanta? People are starting to ask. Well, I honestly, since we recorded last, have not been able to stop thinking about it. So I'm glad that you, I guess in the interim time, have you found some answers, I'm guessing? Yeah, we've got some contenders. Some strong contenders.

You know, last year's Freak Fest was awesome. Everybody had fun. You know, a few funny moments, some touching tributes to, you know, performers who had died. Right. You know, had been caught in the spirit of the freak. Lizard Throat died. Lizard Throat died. Sweat Bucket died.

Yes, man. Honestly, his highlight reel from like 1998 to like 2010 was just nothing but straight fucking sexual deviancy. Yeah, he really played street ass. You know, he was kind of the Allen Iverson of freaking. Yeah. Yeah, he was like, people would tell him to stick to missionary, to stick to just sucking on, you know, ears. But you'd see him stick a spatula in there.

You know what I mean? You'd see him fucking, you'd see him fuck through a hole in the wall, around a corner even. Yeah. him fucking you'd see him fuck through a hole in the wall around a corner even yeah when you're looking at booty shaking freaks and you're looking at atlanta specifically there's a culture surrounding this art that goes back centuries you know um uh you know, booty shaking, especially in the South. Right, right, right. And freaking, too, and getting sweaty with it, popping a molly and feeling yourself.

It has such a rich cultural history. Experimenting. Yeah, it's been... So I'm looking forward to this year's Freak Fest because I feel like it's really going to bring out the best in people. Or the best in Freakle, as they say. They do say that. And I think you say that.

And I'm glad to see that you are back commentating this year. And what I'm most excited for is the DL category because it's not every day. You know, when a freak is out and proud and you get to see their freak skills, their sexual freak skills, openly that's great. But it takes a real covert tactician

to be a DL nasty-ass motherfucking freak. You know what I mean? Yeah, I remember I actually tried to enter into the DL competition the first year they had it and they wouldn't let me in because I had a tramp stamp. Which is literally nothing could be a greater example of a non-DL type. Yeah. You know what I mean?

They said. We were also doing no loads refused cum dumps in the Love's Truck Stop over there in Buffalo, Texas. Yeah, I showed up in a crop top with a tramp stamp in it. It said fucking penis zone. It said park here. In parentheses, it said with your cum. You don't want to give any mixed messages at the truck stop. You want to be as crystal clear as possible.

I don't want to get hit by a car, you know. Yeah. I don't want to get ran over by fucking Peterbilt. So you have to be as crystal clear as possible. Park here with your penis that produces cum from it. It says enter here and then it prints with your penis. Don't stab me. Yeah, that one's above your navel, like right on your hip bones.

Yeah, that one's just right. My grandpa died because he had He had a tattoo that says Do not resuscitate Unless it's with a Dick in my mouth He came back And then he had a heart attack And they said

Fuck DNR Yeah I ain't gay Do we have any freaks On the airplane? We got anybody that fucking bobs up and down on it like a buoy? On the fucking airplane, please. Yeah, this year's freak off.

Last year's freak off was a little bit of a letdown, I won't lie. I mean, I wouldn't call it a letdown. It was more of like... It was down the middle. You know, you had your... You had your sort of... Your pimps. You had your $2 whores.

You had your, you know... Like, bestiality type guys. Yeah, I love those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not my favorite event is bestiality in the freak-off. I kind of like it. I feel like it mixes things up because it's like you're looking at all these freaks,

these sweaty freaks, and you're like, oh, cool, there's a little dog. You know, and it sucks because, like, you know, the context makes it less cool to see a dog. Right, right, yeah. You're seeing all these, like, really, these really oiled up, really stinky guys. Their eyes are completely red and glazed over with just fucking emptiness. And then you see a little Bichon Frise, maybe even a fucking Labradoodle or a Corgi. For a split second, you go, wow, what a fucking refresher.

What a palate cleanser. And then you remember what the dog is there for. Is there to get pounded out? So, like a chicken cleanser. And then you remember what the dog is there for. Is there to get pounded out? So, like a chicken fried steak. Yeah, the way you tenderize a chicken parm before you put it in the oven. Yeah, I like the free cooking where they put spit and come into the food and then they give it to people who eat it. And then those people jack off.

And then they come and then then they poop and stuff. How do you feel about that, Jake? I think the winner of that event was the lady that... Was that lady that made sourdough bread with her cooter yeast? Probably. Bari Weiss. Bari Weiss. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Bari Weiss. She was like, you know what I could go for right now? A nice fucking pumpernickel. And, yeah, went to town on it with the shit that comes from her fucking no-no zone. And it was gross as shit. But a real-ass sexual freak move to make something, you know make like a 10 000 year old food item uh from your fucking joj yeah i will probably make it with p you make bread with piss yeah i make bread out of p for everybody who comes to my house and they i say you won't even know it's

in there and then they'll i'll say how does it taste and they'll say it tastes like somebody how's this taste bro i worked on it all day it sounds it tastes like somebody peed in here big dog oh no this is my classic yellow bread i make it's called yellow wet bread yeah like you you invite your in-laws over and you're like, yeah, I've been working on this recipe. They're like, dude, is this piss bread? No, it's just my family recipe. This is yellow wet bread. Yellow wet bread.

Yellow wet bread, the classic white family recipe. It's good. I'd eat some, but I ain't had a huge breakfast. I had a bunch of rain and fucking peach rings. Hence the neon green sort of tint to the bread. Yeah, you should try my...

I also like making brown slushes. And I use dirt for that. We'll keep it PG. I don't use poop for anything. That'd be really gross. Is this a... We'll keep it PG. I don't use poop for anything. That'd be really gross. Is this a poop margarita, Thomas? It's funny you ask.

It's based on a poop margarita recipe, but I just sort of, like, I didn't do that. I did something else. I was just looking up, like, poop margarita, but I didn't put poop in it. So I just, substituted Like lime juice Instead of human poop Poop

So just a normal margarita Yeah just a regular margarita It's only brown Because I use a similar recipe So there might be some stuff That's brown in there Yeah It's just stomach bile

You know No yeah If it tastes like poop It's just I used a poop substitute So Yeah No worries at all If you're like poop, it's just I used a poop substitute. So, yeah, no worries at all. If you're allergic to poop, it's all good.

Vegan poop substitute. Yeah, so you guys, you can get your fill on some piss bread, poop margarita. You're having people over. You don't like, are any of you guys allergic to my shit and cum? No, not on paper cool yeah I was gonna make big fucking pilots Dan I remember your wife telling me she had a food allergy that was to piss and shit and cum right no she has celiacs and I'm not allergy right piss shit and cum yeah yeah gotcha okay cool cool yeah

I was gonna make icicles uh out of blood but I could make something else I guess yeah I was gonna I was gonna make pee-cicles

uh you know uh you know cum I made a new kind of root beer where I throw up I just ate you a nice

ice cold mug of fucking human vomit see how you fucking like this dude do you like this bitch your stupid ass wife I love are you our new

we're your new bitch ass neighbors I made a new pie for you to have and it's it's my skin you just come over there like like your entire form is just sinew. Like just red viscera. Like a little bit of bone showing.

I made you guys a pie. Welcome to the neighborhood. This is, um, cherry, rhubarb, cinnamon, and my flesh. It's the only way I can get the lattice down on the crust. Yeah, is using my own skin. I can only make one of these, like, every three years because the grafts take a long time to heal up. Dude, honestly, if I could,

probably the perfect food I'd make would be, like, bud, like weed, you know? Mm-hmm, yeah. And then just, like, pure, like, like vibes and like like hella like hella laughter if i could put laughter into it what do you think about that really fucking sucks man really sucks thomas i'm not gonna fucking hold you blair that fucking man that sucks i hope i never meet anybody that says that to me in earnest because that would really piss me the fuck off. Even as a joke, it made me, I recoiled in anger.

Honestly, what if they could make a food that I would have loved making? Yeah, you know, what's on tonight's spread? Oh, y'all are coming over. What's on what I'm cooking tonight? Fucking just good ass vibes um and like motivation kind ass butt you know just like like passionate like sweet love making you know what i mean that's just uh i don't know like something that tastes like warm honey and then like i don't know like like alka alkalized water yeah maybe like um a woman's love and then like uh shoe polish and then like uh yeah a fat uh just a big beautiful woman's love love and cocoa cocoa butter.

Honestly like I wish they could make a candle that just smelled like like women. Like good vibes and like big fat as fuck ass like ethnic women.

Some guy at the bar saying that looking around. Yeah. Honestly like fat ass women of color and he's just like looking from side to side.

You're just yeah you got moved to New York or whatever and you're fucking hanging out like your first week there at a fucking party in somebody's apartment

they have like you know like a nice incense collection and you're like wow patchouli lavender. You get really loud. Dude honestly they should make like incense and candles but like wow patchouli lavender you get really loud dude honestly they should make like incense and candles but like just like of just like fat brown women just like

their their scents and their their smells because honestly like lavender is fine but like this place would smell so much better if it smelled like a really fat like stupidly fat puerto rican woman oh man i wish it smelled like um like a really fat, like stupidly fat Puerto Rican woman. Oh, man. I wish it smelled like Indian people of size here. Yeah, you're like a fucking Zanzibar. You're like a Michelin restaurant. You call the waiter over.

What's the scents you guys are using? Oh, it's lavender uh chamomile uh all natural oils uh and then just a little bit of balsa wood that we put just in above each rafter it would taste so much better if this was the piss of an indian girl if you could just you could throw some of that in the air vents for me anybody else at this auto shop wish it smelled like black guys in here? Because it's a comforting smell for me. Right, yeah, yeah. First day at work. They're playing, like, fucking Motorhead.

You know, Anthrax. Fucking Iron Maiden, like the old shit. Because you guys, like, there's, like, a brake fluid smell in here. Yeah, it's a fucking machine shop, dumbass. If you could just make it smell like muscular black youth in here, and if we could just get some, like, cheek sounds, you know what I mean? Just, like, just back shots over the Bluetooth. That would honestly, I would be so much more productive.

Dude, my aunt makes the best back shot pudding. You have to try it, dude. It's so good. Yeah, backshot pudding, piss pot, piss bread, yellow wet bread. Oh, what the fuck? I got backshots for Christmas again? What the fuck? Yeah.

I'm going to get you a note for your birthday. It says, I owe you 1000 back shots For my 30th birthday Yeah You send me like one of those Like scrolls It costs like $200 With like the feather quill pen or whatever

I'm like damn Thomas what the fuck It says Thomas Maxwell White Ow you 1,000 crisp back shots. March 15th, 1994. Yeah. That would be awesome. That would be cool. Just like a really, like the youngest child of a deeply southern family. But, Ma, the oldest always gets back shots,

and there's no back shots left to go around Christmas for the little baby. It's like pulling fucking Polaroids out of his stocking. His mom's ass. fucking Polaroids out of his stocking. His mom's ass. It's a it's like a Catholic mom everybody at school is getting back

shots except for me. Yeah, like a keeping up with the Joneses style like rich kid. Dad, I saw that the neighbors got back shots this Christmas. Billy lives down the road. His dad's a dentist.

You're a lawyer. He told me that he got 10,000 back shots for his birthday, his 10th birthday. Well, I'm 12. Look, we have back shots ready for you for when you graduate. But right now, they're gaining interest. So when you're old enough, you'll have enough back shots to do whatever you want to do. You know those Sweet 16 bait videos where the girl, her parents take her out to the driveway, and it's a really badass beamer, and she's like, I want it, or a red one, and throws a fit, and all the comments are like, kill all women, kill all girls, kill the whole family.

That same thing, but just a tarp in the driveway, like a blue one. It's like baby oil on it. Here's your back shots for your Sweet 16. That same thing, but just a tarp in the driveway, like a blue one. It's like baby oil on it. Here's your back shots for your sweet 16. Yeah. Well, look, we were going to give you back shots, but we want to wait until you can at least have a prostate orgasm. Are they talking to their like To their gay son Yeah

Just their son Just their normal straight son He's Ten Yeah he's ten I don't know when you can start having prostate orgasms It's not really something I want to dig into Well let's see

Let's look it up I was looking up a super Prying minds It's not really something I want to dig into. Well, let's see. Let's look it up. I was looking up a soup recipe. Prying mines are hard to... No, I had Googled. So I have creamy mushroom soup. And then I looked up Larry David Carr and how to cancel LA Fitness. And how to cancel LA Fitness. When can man have prostate orgasm?

Thanks for Googling that so I didn't have to. I spelled it wrong. I spelled orgasm wrong. Well, when the prostate gland is stimulated or massaged. Uh, well... When the prostate gland is stimulated or massaged. Well, I know that. Age. Dude, come the fuck on, man. It doesn't even show me.

Of course it's not gonna show you. That is a question that a fucking deviant who belongs under the jail would Google. I'm wondering if I wanted to have one, when I could have had one in life. Listen, you're going to be 25 this year. I'm sure you're capable of that. I don't want one, but I wonder. Let's say if I can't. Because now it's too late for new beginnings for me already. Yeah.

But if you start early, I imagine – let's say you have your first prostate orgasm when you're, I don't know, six. You know, if you grow up doing it, you know. But, yeah, you probably can't have one as a man. I don't think you can get prostate cancer. I don't think you can get a prostate orgasm. Yeah, that's more in line, I think, for guys like you and me. This is the former, not the latter. I get prostate cancer when I'm, like, 15.

I'm like, so is it too late to have a prostate orgasm? That's your biggest. It's okay if I start putting stuff in there now. The oncologist, like the fuck. There's like a gastro there, you know, oncologist. And they're like, it is stage. It is stage three. So not terminal, but we want to be honest with you about managing expectations.

This is 20 to 30 percent chance of survival if we start today yeah no that's fine that's all that's cool i mean i guess my biggest concern is because i can i start putting big ass shit up there like just big ass tubes so like hospital hoses so like will my wife probably have to like put a finger in there sometimes can i I put a 1992 Chevy box truck water pump up there just to see if it would fit diameter wise? I got a couple laying around in the shop. I probably should always

have lubricant and stuff in there for the cancer to get out. Yeah, for the cancer to fall out of my butt. Just to have some WD-40. Is it like Q-tips where if I put stuff up there it'll push the cancer further in and pack it? Yeah, it's like cleaning my ears and I get a tickle in my ear.

Like if I fucking wipe my butt, will it go further in my colon and make me more cancerous? Is this from falling asleep on the Sibian? It's like a very stoic Asian doctor. You know what I mean? He's like, very stoic asian doctor you know what i mean it's like regret to inform you stage stage stage three so i'd want to get your affairs in order yeah could this be because i could this be because i uh would drive fence posts on my ranch with my ass cheeks and butt balls? And from the Sibian writing, would that possibly be a contributing factor? Is this from nipple play?

Or is this from seeing boobs at some point? Is this from watching homosexual pornography? Because that can't be the case. Because I never did. It wasn't sort of my thing i jacked off one time when i was younger could that have caused this yeah my youth leader told me i'd get ass cancer if i masturbated uh is that true is that what causes a lot of this a lot of the cancer in my butt you're trying to draw the the attention away from the ass cancer

could this be from fucking your wife could this be from fucking your wife? Could this be from giving your wife fucking earth-shattering orgasms with my fucking normal-sized penis? Do you think this could be... Do you think animals are having sex with me while I'm asleep and I don't know about it? Could this be from me standing in your daughter's window

for several hours and looking into it and humming? This doesn't have anything to do with drunk driving, right? Not like around here where you live? This doesn't have anything to do with me putting makeup on your son, does it? Because that would complicate things for me. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. You can't get cancer from faking a birth certificate

and enrolling in your son's school, right? your son's school, right? You can't get cancer from getting a fake driver's license and a social security number and going back to high school to be really good at sports, can you, as a grown man? That couldn't be the cause

for my stage three prostate cancer, could it? Surely this isn't from lollipops, right? Surely. Just a fully grown 55-year-old. Surely this isn't from lollipops and sweet candy, correct? There's just no way. No, no. It's likely

entirely unrelated. It's likely. Now, obviously, certain diets can help prevent certain types of cancers. But a lot of that, you know, the evidence is, you know, a lot of cancer is largely genetic. You know, now I wouldn't recommend starting to eat these candies now. You know, especially you're dealing with a serious illness here.

But, yes, you should be okay. So there's no special sweet candy that'll make the pain go away in my googly butt? Well, we will be prescribing you OxyContin. You are a cancer

patient end of life. We're approaching it, so you do get that type of stuff. Can I put it in my butt? Can I boof the oxy? Can I jam it in my butt and then put all my clothes in there, too? Doctor, what is the policy on boofing my OxyContin? And putting my underwear up there, too. Will I be going to prison?

And putting my underwear up there, too. Will I be going to prison? No, I mean, I wouldn't recommend. We do have opiate suppositories if you want, but normally we just give them to people who have digestive issues. I wouldn't recommend putting underwear up there, but I guess it is your life, and you may be dying. I mean, if you'd like.

Sure. Why not? Can I put your underwear up there? No. I mean, well, you know, we do do fecal transplants. So, I mean, maybe, you know, it could work. Yeah, I'll give you a pair after this.

Honestly, man, I'm not a very good doctor at all. You know what I mean? Like, I'm kind of mostly just like a like a serial killer, really, at this point. I'm surprised I'm still able to practice medicine. You know what I mean? Like, I'm kind of mostly just like a serial killer, really, at this point. I'm surprised I'm still able to practice medicine. You know what I mean? Yeah. I love having cancer.

Yeah, dude, me too. That's why I'm a cancer doctor. Do you think I could get more cancer? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I mean, the reason I'm the cancer doctor here at the hospital is because I also have a bunch of it. You just got to expose yourself to, like, cesium and stuff, like a whole bunch. Staying in front of the microwave, rip the door off on the safety latch, and just stay in front of it. I'm going to prescribe you one million types of cancer today.

So if you just go to the pharmacy, they'll give those to you. They'll give you breast cancer, ovarian cancer, bone cancer, blood cancer, hair cancer, eye cancer, back cancer, heart cancer. They're going to give you a cancer that makes your poop brown or something. And car cancer. One time at Thanksgiving, my aunt told everybody that she thought she had, my aunt's very stupid. She told everybody that she thought she had prostate cancer. She's a grown woman. And she was like freaking out.

My mom asked her husband, my uncle, like what was going on? And he was like, she thinks she has prostate cancer. I keep telling her that women don't have those. She had, i don't know if it's munchausen or hypochondria whatever one of those is when it's bad you know what i mean but she was like really fucking dumb like supremely stupid she thought she insisted um we were at thanksgiving she insisted that um mexico was the same as Spain.

Like the Spaniards. Like they weren't whatever. Like Spain and Mexico were the same place. Like they exist obviously across the Atlantic Ocean. But Spanish was there always. Like it wasn't a language that got there. You know what I'm

saying? She was like oh no they always spoke Spanish down there. She was one of those people that would just say stuff. You know what I mean? In your head, you're like, none of this is true. And she was like, yeah, they always spoke Spanish down there. They spoke Spanish down there for, you know, a thousand years. You know, whatever.

Anyway, yeah, she was like, oh, you know, I think I have prostate cancer. And we all made fun of her a bunch. Because we were like, you can Google it. She's like, well, it says that I don't have one, but I think I have all the symptoms. And as it turns out, she just had hemorrhoids. Let's go. But to, like, to just be a woman and to be like, I think I have, like, maybe I was born. She thought she was, like, born with a prostate.

You know what I mean? Like, she knew that men had it, but was like, no, I was born with one thought she was like born with a prostate. You know what I mean? Like she knew that men had it, but was like, no, I was born with one, which is so awesome. Yeah. To like that,

to be like, to be a woman and to be like, not an eight year old and be like, well, I was probably one of the very few women with a prostate and also has cancer. So, uh, you know,

all of you guys need to feel bad for me and tell me what to do. I respect that. That's some shit I would do. I'd be like, I... Telling me you have ovarian cancer, need to get your affairs in order. I'm like, Thomas, you know you don't have ovaries. And you're like, I think I might be... I think I have one of them.

Yeah. Maybe just ovaries, singular, not necessarily plural, you know. No, if I could ovulate, singular, not necessarily plural, you know. Nah, if I could ovulate, I would probably, honestly, I would probably get so horny. I was hanging out with my buddy, Vicar, one time. And one of his buddies, we were all just sitting around bullshitting, you know, like fucking just like getting drunk and, you know, watching UFC. And one of his friends, a mutual friend of mine, he was like, yo, what would you do? Just randomly was like, yo, what would you do if you were a girl for a day?

And I was like, what? He was like, what would you do if you were a girl for a day, bro? I was like, I don't know, man. That's so weird. You know, he's so weird you know he's like just answer the fucking question dude he's a fucking hypothetical whatever like it's like i don't know man like probably like fucking like look at my tits or something i don't fucking know you know i don't fucking and just without skipping a beat he goes i let the

homies hit so they could get some practice in just like like dead serious. I let y'all hit so y'all could learn how to fuck. And I didn't know what to say because he's very good at being very serious. So I was like, oh, that's funny. He's like, yeah, because none of y'all know how to fuck good. I can tell by looking at you. So I will let y'all fuck me a bunch. And I knew eventually that he was joking. But it was one of those UFC

watch parties where you have like the guy's house who lives there which was Vic and his friend Zach and then other people who don't know the dynamic of friend group A you understand what I'm saying? and you have a couple guys in there who are like

dude the other day I was like, dig deep in this goat. And he turned around and bit my nuts. And everybody knows it's a joke. He just, there was like mutual friends there. Guys with like Roth 401k, you know, like guys with savings accounts and shit. Real adults. And he looks at them and he's like, would y'all, if y'all were going for a day, would you let me hit? Like trying to like return the, get them to like reciprocate the hypothetical. Would y'all let me fuck if y'all were going for a day would you let would you let me hit like trying to like return the get them to like

reciprocate the hypothetical would y'all let me fuck if y'all were going for a day and they were like what he was like look I'm not joking if I was a woman and I had like a nice set of tits would you let me fuck to get practice in just like watch

like a normal UFC fight night like devolve into this guy mentally torturing, like friends of friends who like just wanted to watch Conor McGregor fight Dustin Poirier or whatever the book. It was so awesome. Nah, I'd be normal. I probably just paint my toes white and then I would,

uh, finger blast myself in the mirror. Yeah. Stuff like that. Yeah. Normal shit. Or, you know,

I probably do is I go do a murder suicide and nobody would suspect me. Just normal shit. Or, you know what I'd probably do is I'd go do a murder-suicide. Nobody would suspect me. Yeah, that's a good point. Women's side of the court. Nobody would know it was me. Yeah, yeah. They'd say I was some girl. I was just some bitch.

I was just some stupid. They don't even check the ID. The CCTV nothing. Some fucking broad kills them. I was just some bitch. They don't even check the ID. CCTV nothing. Some fucking broad kills them. This is some idiot. Yeah. She was trying to point her gun towards the fucking shopping mall. She thought it was her credit

card. It was probably some dumb blonde who was trying to pull out her credit card and then kill the whole family with an M4. Oops. Oh, this is why we can't have nice things. This is why women don't need to fucking operate guns and machinery. She was trying to

put a piece of toilet paper on her cooter and instead she fucking blew up a judge. She did a mass shooting at a fucking Kohl's. Dumb bitch kills eight. Yeah. Stupid whore accidentally guns down 15 at Target.

It just shows the footage and it's just a helicopter zooming in on like her cleavage or something oh wuga this is wolf blitzer of cnn breaking news hubba hubba stupid blonde bitch kills 15 at target in des moines iowa she's got a huge set of tits. And some nice feet. All right, let's zoom in on it. Cameraman zooming on those feet.

Oh, they're covered in blood now. Looks like she's stabbing somebody. She's probably trying to trim her damn nails. Probably trying to change her fucking tire. Ain't that right, fellas? Oh, my goodness. She's having such a good time with this shooting. She's probably sweating her weave out.

Isn't that right, Don Lemon? Don Lemon. Hi, it's me, Don Lemon. The top of her thong is peeking out of her Lulu Lemon jogging shorts, and it looks like we are in for a real disaster here, folks. The body count is climbing, and I cannot stop staring at those heels. And I just know she's probably excited for this new Drake album coming out soon. That probably gets her thing wet.

Who's with me? Back to you, Wolf. Wolf, you're a political guy. You work here. You're a motherfucker. What would you say her motive might be? Well, I would argue that she's stupid, for sure. Well, I would argue that she's stupid, for sure.

She's dumb, for sure. And abroad, you know. Because I'm worried she might want attention from guys. Yeah, I was just about to say, she can't find a husband. That's probably what led her to do this Because she lives such a Promiscuous lifestyle And doesn't know how to Cook or clean Only knows how to You know

Not be a submissive Housewife Yeah she's probably Such a bingo Yeah she's probably Such a hooblin You know what I mean Yeah I'm surprised

She can even see Through that scope with those double D fucking tits. Oh, and she killed a baby. Wow. Looks like she's eating the baby. And the baby's blood is getting all over those stupid boobs. Like 20 years, one of those, like, fucking, yeah like 20 years one of those like fucking yeah like one of those like you know opus day fucking like incel guys but like she starts working for a local news channel yeah like in fucking i don't know boise or some shit looks like she's uh breaking

we have a uh an active shooter situation on top of a parking garage just outside of the whole foods in boise idaho um a helicopter is going directly what looks like to be the whole foods and we see the ugliest dumbest bitch i've ever seen with the hugest fakest cans in the world struggling to put a scope on a dragunov right because she's stupid because she's a dumb whore correct uh and okay and she is she can't chamber the round because she's fucking retarded. All right. And her hands are shaking because she hasn't had any water today. Only Adderall and hot chips.

She's probably scoping the building for a place to charge her phone. Yeah, they're doing like, they've got her in custody and they're going through the footage of like her casing the fucking whole boots. Looks like she was trying to find... These beautiful Chinese hands reaching for the trigger. She's clearly white. That would suck. That would not be any good. Yeah, that's okay. If I was getting shot by

a female mass shooter, I'd be really respectful. I'd act just as scared as normal. You know, I'd probably like... I'm just kidding. I would. Some guy like, oh yeah, now's my chance.

Now I get to tackle a woman and be a hero yeah dude yeah some guy just the most the most indian fantasy in the world some guy yeah it's just some fucking yeah some indians you have to attack you have to save the world by tackling a hundred pound woman a hundred pound sorority girl he's just been grinding inches away of teeth per night just fucking jacking off seven hours a day he's like you know your average male fantasy is like yeah you stop a mass shooter and it's like a guy like very similar to your athletic build maybe a little bit more

jacked than you and you just you just like simply dispatch him with incredible fucking jiu-jitsu and close quarter combat. But for the Indian guy, yeah. It's just like a 98-pound communications major from Texas State. With ombre hair. You all right, buddy? You doing good? Yeah. There's a bunch of wildfires going on up in the panhandle.

Oh, yeah. There's like half a million acres that just fucked up there. Is the smoke bad? I don't really... I wasn't really paying attention. I was out there all day. I don't think so. I don't think I'm really close to it. You can come outside.

It's like right up on the front porch. I don't really fucking care. Who gives a shit? I'm moving anyway. You know, at the end of the day, I got two lungs. You know what I mean? Yeah. If one of them is fine, it is what it is.

But, yeah, you know, the thing about wildfires is I know pretty much everything about them, and they don't scare me. No, I don't feel you. I don't get how there are wildfires in the Panhandle, because I don't know what there is to set on fire other than, like, cotton and tumbleweeds.

Well, I feel like they have a lot of... The great forests of Lubbock. Northwest Texas. like they have a lot of great the great forests of north of the of lubbock northwest texas well don't they have like a lot of farmland out there or just like yeah like public land or like private land uh yeah there's a bunch of diaper land up there one of the cool things i liked about ireland is they have this thing like i guess in their constitution or whatever called like the right to roam or like the right to wander where like you can just go camp as long as you don't start any fires or cause trouble you can just go camp on somebody's land and I think

something crazy like only five percent of land in Texas is public technically yeah 850,000 acres is on fire right now that's badass who cares anyway I don't know. Who cares? Anyway, I can't imagine trying to camp on like some guy's land in like, you know, Borger or whatever

up there in the panhandle. Yeah. You just have sex with your body a bunch. Cut you up in little pieces. Yeah.

I'd probably be fine in a wildfire. Do you think your body could withstand the temperature, or do you just think you know what to do? Very easily. It would not be difficult for me. Yeah.

Is it just that you have a high pain threshold, or your body is just not... It's impervious to burns. To burn damage. Impervious to burns, and I can't be killed in any way. Apparently thousands of cattle are going to die, which sucks. Free steak, baby. Let's go out there and get some fucking chops, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Well, you know, that's okay. There should be buffalo out there anyway. That's my take on it. Didn't we kill a bunch of them? Didn't we kill a bunch of them? Didn't we kill a bunch of buffalos? I mean, we didn't personally. Second largest fire

in Texas history. The first of which was my damn mixtape. Yeah, we're back. What was that one called? What? Your mixtape. My mixtape.

It was called Turn Up the Jam and Put Something in There. Okay. Turn Up the Jam and Put Something in There. Who produced that one again? You were telling me. Smokey J in the electric factory of 15 women. Factory of 15 women. Smokey J and the Electric Factory of 15 women produced your mixtape,

Turn It Up and Jam Something In There. Is that correct? Turn Up the Jam and Put Something In There. Yeah, okay, there we go. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, and my favorite song on it, it was called Smoke All the Love Out of There. Remember that one? Yeah, I remember that one. How did it go again?

It was an ode to smoking weed. Smoke all the love out of there. Out of your butt. There's a smoke in there. You got a smoky tail, wearing smoky underwear. Get the smoke out of there. Smoke all in your hair. Smokey, smoky, smoky, smoky, smoky, smoky, smoky.

I think I remember it now. You don't have to keep singing it. I think I remember it now. You don't have to keep singing it. I think I got it. Yeah, it was a big billboard hit. Yeah. It was actually number 1,000 on the Smokey Dokey charts. On the yellow wet bread charts, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it went wood. It went viral on Shit Fork or whatever the fuck, yeah. Yeah. On Piss Bread. Yeah, we went wood. It went viral on Shitfork or whatever the fuck. Yeah. On Pissbread. Yeah, we went viral on the online. Yeah, it went viral on the computer. I uploaded my mixtape to fucking Fat Piss. You were telling me you were working on a little something in the music industry.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know, it's just like my rock opera. You know, like I would be listening to a lot of Queen, and I was watching a lot of Rent and American Idiot, and I just like the political, the way you can say so much about politics in a rock opera, you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. It softens up the listener opera, you know what I mean? Yeah. It kind of like... Absolutely. It softens up the listener expecting, you know, like it's theater, but like there's a lot of impactful statements in it.

Like, you know, like Act One is like, damn, Hunter Biden got a big nut sack. And it's just basically like how big his nuts were and how wet they would get when he would smoke a bunch of crack and get sweaty and the sounds that they would make. And that's the first act. The second act is, do you think you still work? And it's like a, it's like a study of like the human condition, like the male condition, but it's about whether or not his dad, Joseph Biden's penis still works. I like that.

Yeah. Joseph Biden's penis still works. I like that. And then the last act is called fucking Kaboom and I blow the whole theater up. We've only done one production on Broadway. How did it go? Really bad. A lot of people died. A lot of people died but more than anything

I was just happy to get it off the ground. You know what I mean? I saw Lin- manuel miranda do hamilton and i saw andrew lloyd weber do all his stuff and i thought i could do that but i wanted to make it about politics i wanted to make it mean something you know like how rent was about the aids crisis and how american idiot was about bush and how bohemian rhapsody was about, I guess, having AIDS or something. You know what I mean? This is about Queen.

Yeah, it was about the Queen of England, yeah. Yeah. Musicals are hard because so many people like them. And it's such an easy format. It's so easy to have a good musical, a great musical. Whenever I wrote my first musical, you probably haven't even heard of it. It was called Snow White and the 1,000 Dwarves. Oh, it was like a reimagining.

Yeah, it was sort of, but instead of seven dwarves, there were 1,000 of them. And what were some of their names? Stampy. Stampy? Okay. Grampy. Grampy? All right, he was the old one. Gotcha. Lampy. Okay, Lampy. Grampy, all right, he was the old one, gotcha.

Lampy. Okay, Lampy, he was bright, he was smart, okay. Yeah. David. David, he was, okay, he was the guy from the Bible, okay. Noah. Noah, okay, cool. Noah Noah okay cool Great okay you had dwarves with biblical Jesus

Jesus Jesus Jesus different guy Mexican Jesus gotcha okay Black Jesus Yeah black Jesus dwarf okay, Black Jesus dwarf. Okay, very good. Jesus Negro.

That's Mexican Black Jesus. Jesus Negro. Hey, what's up, man? Hey, what's up, man? I'll be helping you out with your car today. I'm Jesus Negro. It's like, you got to drop your car and get your brakes done. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm Rob. You know, name's in the story. The guy that actually be doing your brakes is over there. You know, Puerto Rican fella. Jesus Negro. Puerto Rican fella. Jesus Negro. Oh, hi.

Me, I'm OSO Cobo. Hey, what's going on, man? What's up? Jesus Negro. Like a California exit. Hey, what's going on, man? Jesus Negro. How's it doing?

How's it going, dude? It's crazy to meet you. Hey, is your name, would that be like Jack Black, Jesus Black? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's my brother. That's my long-lost brother, Jack. We grew up together in Puerto Rico. He moved to L.A. to do the fucking movie thing.

But me, I like working on breaks. I like working on breaks and keeping, staying true to my original name. He went to black, you know, to fit in with a white Hollywood, but me, I'll always be a Negro man. Yeah. I'm actually named after my dad's favorite band.

Oh, yeah. It was Sabbath. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm actually named after my dad's favorite ACDC's album back in Negro yeah that's awesome man it's nice to meet you dude

that's crazy man yeah yeah so fucking crazy man yeah yeah yeah good old his probably can't take that one much further yeah well I thought I thought maybe that we could. And I guess we could do whatever we want. We can.

We can if we want to. But, you know. It's Wednesday. It's all right. You know what I mean? I went out and, you know, I had some stuff I had to do. Yeah, you relapsed, didn't you? I had some stuff I had to do.

Yeah, you relapsed, didn't you? Yeah, on that Blanco. I had to run some errands. I'm like, you're doing fucking cocaine. Yeah, I went to AutoZone to get an ODB1 reader, OBD1. I had to go get some mashed potatoes for dinner tonight. You were doing fucking cocaine out there, weren't you? You were having an affair.

You were out there snorting coke and fucking other women, weren't you? It's just so mean. It's just so fucking evil. Oh, man. God, you were fucking fucking you were starting another podcast yeah guys you were you were hanging out

with other podcasts and comedians and doing drugs and having a cool time and you started you're fucking cool cause you're opening for people now

cause you're doing 8 minutes in a fucking comedy club fucking running these 3 minute open mics here. You don't even know. Three-minute clean open mics.

I'm fucking going up and crushing after Scarecrow the Comedian. Dude, he fucking... That guy fucking killed. He was awesome. Yeah. Scarecrow the Comedian. He was super sick. It was that guy Craig that...

Yeah. Go ahead. It was that guy Craig Yeah Go ahead It was that guy Craig out here I told you about That was like Just completely insane So fucking funny They let him go up

Like every mic Or whatever Like first And uh He was the guy That was telling you about That was like Me and Ash

Were sitting there And it was a mic So it was tough And he comes up And he's like they should uh when fat people go through puberty they should they should they should say they should call a fattery because they get more fat than pubes who knows i hate doing other comedians i don't want to do other comedians stuff but that was just that was

his his like tag at the and everything was just shrugging his shoulders and going who knows it was so fucking it was so awesome dude yeah well fat people they don't they don't get pubes so they gotta call it fattery because they don't have a lot of pubic hair who knows look over ash is crying I'm crying whole fucking audience is going nuts and uh and then like

he was like the first or second comic up at that mic and then um I signed up late so I bailed I went to another one I went to

at Sunset where we saw uh Ben and he was up there first running on a completely due set and like only

fucking 40 minutes had passed it was so awesome. He's very funny. Shout out, Craig. You won't hear this, but you had me fucking rolling there for a second. Good for him. Yeah, I fucking, you know what, dude?

Sometimes you get to fucking, a warning light comes on in your car car and all you have to fucking do is you just fucking unplug your whole wiring harness and erase the code. That's all there is to it sometimes. And it goes away. Yeah, yeah.

I used to think about just taking out light bulbs. Yeah, that was one of the so I, yeah, I fucking my shit was throwing a code. I went to AutoZone and they had an OBD2

which is what everything has you know and i was like do you guys have an obd1 reader and the guy was like fucking no what do you know i was like i got a 1990 astro out there he's like you can buy one they're like 30 bucks so i bought one and put it in and i was like something wrong with the anti-lock brake system which i didn't even fucking know they were in cars that old as it turns, that was like the first generation of ABS. It was fucking like 1990 or around the time. Anyway, I was fucking around in the forums and like all the old heads were like,

just unplug the whole fucking harness from the computer that controls the analog brakes. And that warning will go away. Your brakes still work. And I was like, dude, that's all I got to do. But I did that and because i'm me and because i like feeling like i accomplished something even though when i did very little i just like came back in the house and i was like yeah you're looking at mr tinker i fixed my brakes i did it i went out there with no tools in my phone and i fixed my whole

fucking brake system by unplugging the entire fucking module and just erasing the fucking code or whatever the fuck. I got rid of the engine knock on my car. I turned my car off and it is gone. Yeah. I fucking took out my motor mounts and the thing just fell to the fucking floor. Took my motor mounts right the fuck out, unplugged the wiring harness, and that engine fell right to the fucking concrete. No more knocks.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, my truck, it used to have an exhaust leak, but now it does not start, so I don't even have to worry about it. Yeah, yeah. You're like, dude, Jake, I was having super bad transmission problems, but I just ripped the whole fucking pan out from under it and dropped the transmission onto the concrete and got fluid everywhere

and into the grass and the groundwater, and now it won't even start. It's not my problem anymore. No, I just look at it sometimes, and then I work out next to it, and that's a much better system. I get way better mileage that way. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody's like, damn. You're like yeah man i put a i put a

gas a tank in the c10 like you know fuck eight months ago like damn dude did you fucking do like an ev swap or something nah i pulled the transmission out parked in the backyard nah honestly i've been shooting guns at it and shit so that's been cool yeah i've been getting something crazy like 8 000 miles to the gallon how is that possible you just saw some like crazy solar panel like what the fuck nah dude i just uh i've been shooting shooting it with tannerite i just keep it in the fucking driver's side just been blowing the fucker up but i ain't been driving it too much you know i get good mileage because i put gas in this car and then i drive a different one yeah i had the same i've had the same tank of gas in here for a year and a half baby

oh man i barely lost anything yeah oh man that's crazy that fucking so you just need do you just need you can probably put a fucking like four what is it like a 460 le or something like one of those just like you know and my whole cooling system is also fucked uh because i went to draw i went to put coolant in it and it all just fell out of the bottom well the radiator out of the cooler is war i think out of the radiator my radiator is it what is it like an Acme, like a cardboard box? It's made of metal. I even put water in it and it just all fucking splashed down.

Now, did you put it in? You're supposed to put it in the cooler. In the reservoir, not in the radiator. Now, if you have a hole in your cooler reservoir, that's an easy fix. No, I put it into the radiator. I put cold water in there while it was like 250 degrees or something. I probably fucking blew up everything. You just cracked all the welds?

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it's very funny. It would be very funny if I brought my tools and just sat out in front of that for a couple hours just to see if I could at least get it to hold coolant. And I look under there, and you had just very clearly cut a penis-shaped hole in the bottom of the radiator with a saw ring. It just said, fuck you, Jake. My life will never be good.

I was never meant to have a cool truck You fucking piece of shit I did this to myself Signed Thomas Fuck you Thomas Signed future Thomas Yeah But yes also Jake

If you ever come over to work on the truck P.S.S. Fuck you piece of shit Well no like It's very Now I'm curious on the truck. PSS, fuck you, piece of shit. Well, no, like, it's very, now I'm curious, because it's like, you're telling me that you, there was no, like, what amount of time passed from you

pouring it into the radiator and then it falling out, was it immediate? It was instant. It was like, I just, I might as well pour this straight out on the ground yeah that's so awesome well what the fuck man i look i think oh man it's probably not worth looking at especially if you just don't if the transmission's fucked in it doesn't turn over at all yeah it needs a new battery also it's just having to chill out there basically yeah as a battery it's just i i need to i need to jump it so so we'll see about that but you know

but also before i even jump but i need to drain all the fluid out because I don't want to run two-year-old oil through it. Two-year-old oil isn't... If you're not been driving it, it's probably... I mean, I guess if it's been sitting for a while. It breaks down over time and all that stuff. But, yeah, I mean... Also, I might just fucking blow it up. I don't know.

I'm very curious as to how you could have a radiator leak so bad that it just falls on the ground. Well, I think I basically drove it in third gear trying to get into fourth for about 15 minutes straight on the freeway. Right, and that would potentially cause some issues for sure, but I don't know how that would leave you with a hole so big in your radiator that the water just falls out. I mean, I know it could cause some...

Yeah. Well, I knew it was falling out because it was in a gas station parking lot. Wow. And I was buying jugs of water and just pouring them in there, and then they were just splashing straight out. That was happening to my Crown Victoria for a while. I was having to pull off on the shoulder, like in the middle of fucking traffic and do it.

So the whole parking lot was all green. I just left. Pretty awesome. I feel like every time we talk about the C-10, you tell me something else that's like... It was a brand new gas station also, so brand new parking lot. And it was sloped down hills,

so there was like an 80-foot long giant green stain right next to the... I pulled straight in. Yeah. So, yeah. It went from the parking spots right next to the door down past the gas pumps. That's cool. It's a giant, long, green stain.

Dex cool stain, yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. But I was cool about it. I drove off, and I didn't say anything to them. Yeah. I don't know how many't say anything to them. Yeah. I don't know how many times I've opened my door and hit somebody's car and it's just been a shitty car.

Or like a nice car and I'm like... It's happened to me. Companies will have to deal with the damage that I cause, ultimately. Somebody else will have to answer for this. Yeah, I mean, ultimately, I am not a responsible person. Right. I take, you know, I mean, I am in some ways. For sure.

Is it directly affect me? But stuff like, you know. You know, I mean, freaking what can you even say, you know, Jake? Yeah, stuff like having a big hole in your radiator the size of a fucking grapefruit. That's going to be a problem for a business of some kind eventually, you know? That's going to be, ultimately, that becomes a business decision at some point. Yeah, for somebody way, way more well off than me yeah or way more ultimately everything i do makes money think about that yeah yeah well all i do every day is i make

millions of dollars you should and when i spend my life savings on a truck and it immediately explodes that's money in the bank for me dude honestly man i was so surprised it made it to fort worth or to made it to san marcos from when i moved and we drove it all around the city like it it was it hung in there and then like i think two weeks later which made me feel bad because i was like this cocksucker did me a favor and then now it's fucking prized truck. It's just parked forever in the backyard. It's okay. It was, uh, it's what God wanted for me. You know, sometimes, uh, some guy, sometimes God wants pain for you and suffering, but

that's okay. And, uh, anyway, anyway, if you're listening to this, that means that you do not have a truck. You might, but you know, if you want to join this, that means that you do not have a truck. You might. But, you know, if you want to join a community of truck-having-ass motherfuckers who love having a good-ass time and they love being fucking download freaks, head on over to patreon.com slash pandejo time. Toss us a fiver.

Fiver gets you access to a bonus episode a week plus access to the Discord where there's a bunch of fucking trunk having ass sexy ass motherfuckers down there ready to suck your shit bone dry 10 bucks a month gets you access to all that shit plus backlog of video episodes and a video episode every goddamn month um 50 bucks a month gets you access to all that stuff and nothing else just do that if you have a bunch of money and you really like the show, but don't do it. That's only for guys who like to do it as a joke. Or to do us a favor,

whatever the fuck. I don't give a shit, but it's very nice. We don't have anything to read today. Nothing. No, nothing to read. If you're in Austin, I'll be doing stand-up at the Velveeta Room Friday at 8 p.m.,

Saturday 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Tickets are at theveveterroom.com. I'll be opening it up for Mr. Brian Garr. Thanks for having me. I don't even know. Brian might listen to the show. Be there with some other funny motherfuckers. If you work at the All Supps in Azle,

I think I'm going to get corn dogs there for breakfast tomorrow, so be ready. I think I'm going to get a bunch of roller dogs and hang out in the truck for a little bit. My boss's work truck. Hey, if you are at the Wawa, like 5.30 in the morning on Thursdays, I'll be sitting in the work truck drinking a rain and having a panic attack for sure. Yeah, with a bunch of Honduran guys who think I'm gay. That's right.

That's right. Hey, thanks, motherfucking piece of shit pizza pussy. Bye. Thanks.