Pendejo Time - Zooted and Booted

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

keyboard cleaner: the final frontierSupport the Show.

You done keyboard cleaner? I don't remember. I think I would know if I did. Yeah. I mean, there's been similar circumstances, I'd say. Inhalants? Yeah, yeah, yeah, quite. Here and there.

So there was a – I probably was like 15 or something um we had uh while i was doing it and then at some point they started putting this bitter chemical in it to um dissuade whatever what i'm looking for stop people from abusing keyboard dust yeah and it was such a powerful bittering agent that if it like touched like the back of your throat you would like like it was very very very so genius way of getting past that which is me and my shithead friends we would shove the straw like we would deep throat that long ass tube the little straw we would fucking spray the gas like directly into our fucking windpipe.

And you did beat kind of it that way. You taste in the back of your throat. It wasn't as bad. But you could also take like much heavier heaving breaths of this fucking poison. And so anyway, I'm at my friend's place. I'm with my best friend when I was a teenager. And they're having like a pool party or something and he fucking breaks that shit out

and we start doing it and then like people show up and he's like alright man we gotta cut this shit out cause like we're getting all I'm literally like I can't read anymore you know I can't fucking like my fingers are going numb but I was a little fucking fiend and so he goes out there like meet and greet i guess i could see his mom's house and so i stay back and i'm like i'm gonna

get like two or three more rips in and then i'm gonna go in the party well i fucking do that and then i i pass out i seize out and i piss myself like and it wasn't like a little bit of pee i'd been drinking bud light all fucking day helping him and his dad his mom set up this fucking thing and so I like yeah like it wasn't I couldn't write it off it's like dude I spilled water in the bathroom like it was piss it started at the base of my the tip of my penis and it went down like mid thigh it's a full little bit so anyway uh I knew that I seized out i thought it was me yeah it's my friend he like walks in he's like you fucking want dude you're walking and you're fucking

shaking on yourself i'm like god damn that's depressing i'm not gonna do keyboard cleaning anymore he's like no we're gonna do something later you to like figure your shit out so we could like you know yeah we get you got to go to the party because like me and his mom were close we were like childhood best friends anyway so i like, do you have any jeans, dude? Because I have a lot of piss on my penis and my balls and my jeans and shit. And he's like, no, man. I mean, I do, but he was much skinnier than me when I was a kid. And so it just didn't – there was just no way I was going to –

Yeah, it just doesn't add up. Yeah, but I do have my fight shorts, like the shorts I do jujitsu in, like the stretchy shorts or whatever. They're in the dryer, though. You got to go to the living room and you got to, like, you can go get them. And I was like, can you get them for me? And he was fucking with me. He was like, no, man, you laid in this bed. I'm like, dude, I know these people.

These are your parents. We're close. We're neighbors, brother. Like, they knew me when i was like five and he's like yeah man i he was laughing he's like i'm not gonna fucking help you out so anyway i i i'm just i'm just like gonna be like i got too drunk at a party that my parents my friend's parents are here that i pissed myself i was fully i wasn't telling him i got seized out on keyboard duster i was gonna tell him a less bad version of that story. Yeah. But I go out and the saving grace, man.

Somebody had brought a little Rottweiler puppy, a little dog. The dog. Okay. I picked a dog up. My genius idea was like, I'm going to tell everyone at this party that I was petting the dog and he pissed on me. Now. Yeah. That's what I did say.

I did tell people that. And they at least pretended to buy it um but later on i was thinking and i was like this dog weighs two pounds he's a little dog yeah my pants is like that of like a like a like a teen boy like it's a lot of piss like it's i pissed my pants dude so but people were like yeah that's funny you know he goes pee sometimes and anyway i like i still to this day don't know if they believed me or if i just like walked around for like 10 minutes i mean i think i think I think the main thing is that you escaped the moment. I don't think long – I think if – the fact that they at least chose to pretend to buy it.

Yeah, good point. I mean, that's the main thing you're going for. I mean, I guess we should start at the basis. Like, I didn't die of die of like a stroke from inhaling keyboard dust i like that neither of us like went there care like yeah i don't think either of us have ever been like oh no yes it just it happens sometimes but you know um yeah it's just a side effect of of certain lifestyles i'd say yeah i don't after that i after that i remember when he woke me up like when he was like dude come on man like what the fuck he was like get your shit together and i was like dude 30

minutes ago i'm not look i know you don't have piss on you like your own piss but you we were both in here like doing it and then like playing mario kart and like going but each other and we were like saying like racial slurs to on the tv they weren't they weren't actually that was just that's part of the story he made up yeah yeah i made that part he didn't he didn't do that i wouldn't either yeah ever in my life probably I'm trying to branch out with the audience. I was looking at our stats last night. What are our stats? Dude, our audience is 95 to 96% male. Yeah. Do you know the colors of the-

Do you know the colors of the... No, I just, I was looking at Spotify. It said the top artist was Steely Dan. And I was like, oh, this is accurate. Because I would have, as a joke, said Steely Dan probably. Also, apparently we've got one listener in Asia. So I don't know what part of Asia it's in. I didn't bother to check the city. Whoever is in the country of Asia, I appreciate it.

And please keep downloading because it makes our stats look better. The stats that only I look at and nobody else cares about. Download every episode 180 times. Please do this for me. I am holding on by a thread and it's all dependent on you. And if you just try and mess this up for me, oh, it's going to be so bad. It's going to be so bad. And you know it.

You know it will be because of you. You know it will be because of you, and you can't escape me because I'm in your window. I'm in your window and I'm looking right into your eyes. I'm there too. Jake's behind me and he's wearing a cape. And I'm wearing a cape too and we're both superheroes. And we're gonna

we're at St. Jude's. We're making everybody happy. What are you doing? You're doing nothing. You're sitting in your room. You're downloading this stupid podcast and you're not even safe in the world like us yeah that showed him yeah uh yeah you know should you let me get that off my chest because i've been been sitting on it for a minute brother uh that uh um fuck i forgot what to say uh oh i was telling my buddy of mine that i'm over at his place

recording i was telling him it was like you're getting all the subs in like a week you know like i i wanted to take this seriously and like I didn't want to procrastinate doing anything. Like I wanted to be very serious. Then like that amount of money that quickly happened. It's not a lot of money, but it's, you know, it's there that happened. And then now I'm like, okay, like we, I, I have, we got to get it on the streaming platform. Like we got to do like, now this is, I have to like do stuff. It's if anybody knows me they know that i love to like not do stuff like i rather enjoy i love feeling like i'm working really hard without putting forth that much actual like effort you know like like last night i probably spent two hours just looking at like bar graphs and stuff um stats just just on the buzzsprout thing

have you have you logged into that yet i've logged into buzzsprout but i didn't check the numbers i dude i'm always looking at the numbers i'm not going to use them for anything but it makes me feel like i'm in control of this operation anybody listening i'm i'm trying to figure out how to trick jake into into giving up all the financial stuff i'm gonna leave him dirt poor and i'm riding riding this wave all the way to hollywood yeah i think be a big i'm gonna be a big star someday see me on the movie straight movie screen get on rogan uh that's the final frontier for you you're gonna take all 546 dollars and you're gonna buy a plane to texas the next i'm the next tim pool is okay do you know you bring him up sometimes when we talk like i don't know who he

is i was gonna ask you is he like an intellectual? What does he do? I think he's just like an alt-right guy, but maybe not one of the more aggressive ones. Don't quote me on that. I know he's like alt-right, but I don't know if he's – but I don't really look into that. I don't really look into those guys very much in terms of, like, I don't care what they have to say usually.

He's just always on there. I mean, like, I guess when you think about, like, right-wing guys, like, they make a name for themselves through some form or fashion. So Spencer and the Identity Europa guy, and then, like, you know, Milo Yiannanadou, identity europa guy and then like you know milo and then like fucking you know those guys like you know their faces you know what they do you know what they are like couldn't tell you what milo looks like or whatever he looks he just looks like a spray tan he i couldn't tell you one facial feature he had dude i don't he just looks gay. I don't know. I mean, Tanner Iskra, Yeah. Yeah. But not in like,

Steve Trang A pejorative or negative way at all. Tanner Iskra, No, he doesn't look good. Like, like there's some, I don't know. It can be, I forgot what I was going to say. I'll be honest, folks. I've slept maybe nine hours in the last three days and you're just going to go along this little trail with me, wherever it leads. If there's a little cave or something, I'm crawling in there with me. I'm looking for gold. You got to hold the lantern at the entrance or I'm not going to be able to find my way out. And then it's on you.

So the Asian guy, you're listening. And then everyone else, you don't give a break if you don't rest. Yeah. Also, there's probably other Asian guys who listen who just don't happen to, like genetically, who are maybe Japanese or something, but maybe they don't live on the continent. And I just want to say I don't care about you guys if you don't live there because statistically I don't see that part. So it's not going to – you got to make the numbers translate.

That's all I'm saying. We need to edge our way. I'm saying you have to go back. You have to go back there so our diversity ratings can get better. I think that if we – you said, was it 95, 96% male? Here's something like that. Who's the four percent? What?

It's not. Cause my girlfriend's like, I'm not listening. I listened to you talk all the fucking time. Like I don't, that's not her. And I don't like, who's the,

who's the girls plural. That's like, I mean, I don't know, you know, this podcast, I don't want to, I don't want to limit the audience.

It's for everybody. You know, um, it's for working class guys, construction guys. It's for blue collar guys. It's for white collar guys. It's for stock guys. It's for...

It's for intellectuals of every... Yeah. If you're online 55 hours a week and you're really smart, too, and you need everyone to know that you're smart, this is a podcast for you. And if you're thinking, Jake, isn't that a description of yourself? No. I'm stupid. And I've mostly cruised by on life not trying to do anything, just laying down a lot i hope we never have to try to do anything yeah i mean that's why i mean dude i'm in you know i was just talking about having to

do stuff but like if this got to a point where i could like you know work like 20 hours a week like i would probably still complain because that's the kind of person i am i'd be like dude i have to fucking go i have to i have to open my computer up and talk for two hours what the fuck this is absolute fucking horseshit yeah we're gonna get like really good mics and i'm gonna break mine within like 10 minutes you're gonna be trying to adjust snap the fucking there's no there's no uh timeline in which the audio on this gets better because i'm gonna find a way to accidentally mess it up every single time consistently and that's a promise well i've had some complaints about the audio this week just want y'all to know i don't care i'm not gonna fix it uh i will do less compression and noise reduction. It's just there's a soft hum when you download Zoom sometimes.

That's super annoying. I'm going to put in an hour and a half long track of me coughing up stuff. It's going to get worse as it goes. You're going to think, oh, is he done? Nope. You've got more in there. I'm going to ask you a question. This is super off topic.

You can see me. I'll describe it so everyone else knows. glance is this tattoo racist yes fuck okay so everyone who doesn't that's a noose he has a noose tattooed it's a broken it's a broken noose yes what was it broken by what was it broken by jake uh listen listen, listen. There's a ghost in it. Oh, a ghost of what? Anti-racist to me. It looks like a... You got that recently, didn't you?

It was a Friday the 13th sheet flash. When? Did you get that recently? March 13th. Right before the... All right, that's not recently then. That's over a year away. March 13th, right before the COVID shutdown. All right, that's not recently then. That's over a year away.

It's as long as COVID's been going on. Yeah, it's over a year. COVID has not been happening for over a year. Yeah, you're getting it next March. Wait, what? No, I got it. Next March. Next March. wait no i got it now you next march next march all right anyway i wanted to ask because because my mom every time she she sees it she she she she she sees it she's like you need to get that covered up because because my mom thinks antifa is like real. Awesome. Yeah, she thinks they're like an organized crime syndicate,

like the Gambino family again. And so she watches Fox News like 16 hours a day, which I do too. I love it. But, you know. Yeah. Yeah. But she's like, I'll come home and I'll visit her.

And I have, you know, the bigger tattoos on my arms. And then this little guy that I got off a flash sheet. And this is the one that she's mad about because she's like if they see that and they think it's racist that they might i mean they might kill you and i'm like first of all what's your phone number my mom yeah why i was just wondering um she's like Why? I was just wondering. She's like... What's she like?

Is she kind of fun to talk to? She's a Christian. She loves the president. Awesome. She was married to a drug addict. And she divorced him. she likes the show friends she like okay that's enough for me then um have you seen my lawnmower tattoo no I didn't even know you had a tattoo so sick to lawnmower on the back So sick. It's a lawnmower on the back of his calf.

It's the only tattoo I had. I'm not even a landscaper anymore. That's just how it goes. You should get a microphone next. Not the opposite. Well, the thing is, I didn't get it because I was doing landscaping. I got the landscaping job a week before I got it. And I told my boss I was getting a lawnmower tattoo and he thought I was joking.

And I showed up with it and he was like, oh, man. Oh, wow. Wow. All right. But I like it. The blue collar guys, whenever you befuddle them with your behavior, they do exactly what you just did. Like I remember, we've talked about this before I think, but I would be working, I think I've talked about it on the podcast. There's not been enough mini episodes, but I'd be like working or something and I'd drop a heavy tool on my boot or like I would break a fucking tool or something and I'm like dude fuck my ass bro dude I do that all the time still yeah and like

and this is every like hard labor job I've had like when I fucking remodel houses or like when I fucking did you know when I work construction or like working outside like moving kegs around when I worked at bars but like the it's not even just older guys, the younger guys out there, like they don't, I'd be like, dude, oh my fucking God, you fuck my fucking butt,

dude. The, like the guy, this is, I can't, you know, just looking at you, like you just like opened your,

like you, you opened up an overcoat and you just showed them your penis. Like, like you just whipped it out and they're like, what'd you just say? And I'm like, oh man, dude, I don't mean nothing by it. It's just something I say when I're like what'd you just say and i'm like oh man dude i don't mean nothing by it's just something i say when i fuck up that's just wrong right there

i'll tell you what you've you've crossed the line brother you know what's fucked up is that when i found out like day four that that that that didn't fly i just do that i made it worse like i just like i was driving the uh I had a golf cart, and it had, like, basic tools in the back, and I would use it to go, like, fix generators or whatever. And one time I drove it into, it was like it had rained, and there was a big mud hole, and it wasn't one of those off-road badass golf carts.

It was a fucking, like, you know, used piece of shit. It broke down yeah anyway i got stuck in the mud hole and uh i called the one of the other foreman with it he said hey bring a two by four in a truck or something just fucking lift this fucker out and we're like trying to pop the wheel up and i'm fucking you know gassing it trying to steer it anyway and uh yeah i was like god damn fucking choking on dick i can't get this fucking thing i can't get this cocksucker out of the fucking hole man and i was like you ever have trouble getting out a hole buddy it's just like the guy's like just alienating yourself as much as possible you know just i've just and this is the only place i'm convinced that like

blue collar jobs construction jobs it's the only place where you can like get canceled for like being woke or doing like jokes like that like they don't understand like it's they don't understand like if you know if some guy calls you like the f slur or whatever like hey man can you just like not call me that they'd be like why you like painting you get you are one i'm like no i just don't like that word and they're like well let's just say it again you know just call you as they walk away so to get back at them i would do shit like that that, I'd be like, yeah, man, I think I threw my back out, I was trying to fucking reset the tread on that crane, you know, and just, you know, fuck my fucking hole, dude, that shit was hard, and they're like, excuse me, but what you just saying, I'm like, yeah, dude, you know, you ever been really pushing up against something, you're really trying to get that fucker, you got a, you got an impact wrench,

and you're driving that fucker home, and it's just, you throw your fucking back out, and you're really trying to get that fucker you got a you got an impact wrench and you're driving that fucker home and it's just you throw your fucking back out and you're like god damn man i feel like i got fucked in my ass you know and they're like boy i don't oh man you what they don't get it they get it and i understand you i understand but it's like it's so much fun because you can't tell them anything. And at that point, it's too late for them to access that part of their brain. Yeah, it's gone. Where they can find that funny. Yeah.

So it's just like if an alien landed or something and just taught them how to solve cancer or something and then just left yeah it's just there's like like the idea of solving cancer yeah i i found the equation for it it's just also it's it's all cancer it's the same cure apparently yeah yeah yeah they don't like i was talking to my friend, Chad, about this. It's weird that you said that you do it, and then he says he does. Maybe it's like a thing, because we have the same kind of politics. And I was telling him the same exact fucking story, because he's a mechanic, and he's worked at a bunch of places. And he was like, dude, I do that too.

And he says it like he was like, dude, I do that too, and, and he's, he says it like, he was, he was a union, he was at a union someplace in Austin, and, and he said that there was one guy who, like, would get, like, he wouldn't get, it was, it wasn't a bewilderment, it wasn't confusion, it wasn't, like, he would get mad, confusion it wasn't like he would get mad dude like red in the face like no fuck are you no and so one time he's telling me that he's like he's he's like hey man i can fucking find my allen wrenches dude can i borrow your fucking allen wrenches he's like you know you always fucking losing shit boy blah blah blah he's talking shit to him he's like hey man you better chill out or i'm gonna take you back over there at the machine well and I'm going to fuck your ass.

And the guy was like, what? He's like, I don't have to repeat myself. Do I clearly? He was like, I don't. You don't need. I'm going to go. He's like so mad he can't complete a fucking sentence. And he was like, dude, you need to calm down because I told you.

I'm going to take you back over there at that machine well and I'm going to bend you over. I'm going to bend you over that tire. I'm going to take you back over there to that machine well, and I'm going to bend you over. I'm going to bend you over that tire. I'm going to fuck you deep, brother. And the guy's just like, ah, completely losing his fucking mind. And it's like that's such a – it's such an ace in the hole. Like in the – if you're just done, like, dealing with whatever bullshit they're talking about, like, something racist, just stupid, or just you don't want to hear about it anymore just something about their kids you're just like hey man yeah

I'd love to keep talking to you about this but my butthole hurts because that guy fucking they just watch them fucking melt you know

like fucking on the sun yeah they'll be talking about you know some some hate crime they're doing later

you know or whatever it's like yeah dude I'm probably just gonna go home and like put a dress on Talking about some hate crime they're doing later or whatever. It's like, yeah, dude, I'm probably just going to go home and put a dress on. Strut around. Makes me feel better about myself. Hey, do you know? Look, and don't ask me how I found out.

But you know how your old lady, she got a G-spot in her, like, in her pussy or whatever, well, you know, a man got one too, and it's, uh, it's in there, you ever, you ever figured that out, you ever work, it's in your butthole, you ever, uh, sometimes, I mean, look, sometimes after a long, I mean, look, we work long days, buddy. We work long fucking days. We work, I work sun up, sun down in the Texas heat. 14 hours. And sometimes nothing sets me right. Nothing sets me right, you know. Than just go home and jam a fucking zucchini right up my ass.

And just watch. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Like I'm saying. I mean, you know, it just is watching to just fucking melt down. It's just not fundamentally what I've done. And by the way, I've never really done it, but I can admit that that guy doesn't know that. Oh, God.

Fuck. Oh, I'm crying. Yeah, I can't top that one hey it's not it's not a competition man it's not it can be we can make one but yeah anyway

if you have never worked I'll call it I'm done I was going to talk about metal detectors I've been thinking a lot lately about

just looking for gold and other precious minerals and I just looking for gold and other precious minerals and you know because I I don't know and I think I might get start getting a metal detector and then I'll just sort of walk along

the beach or something that could be my thing yeah I could have I could be like that yeah i could i could have i could uh you'd be like that uh old guy in animal cemetery but the original one not the newer one where he's got the beard animal cemetery do you mean pet cemetery no i don't i but have you seen animal cemetery

ever seen animal cemetery it's way better okay it's way pet cemeteries overrated how's the plot go

it's okay so it starts with they got about 40 50 animals okay and they go to the cemetery

all right okay and what else and they go to the cemetery alright okay what else well there's it's got a bunch of different people in there it's a crazy movie man you just have to see it yourself

who's in it who's the who's the leading man um a jim jim uh swinson jim swinson yeah dude he's crazy good in that one have you think he would uh animal hospital yeah dude i think he was. This is awesome, Bob. This is awesome. He was the guy who was in Monkey Business, remember? Monkey Business, yeah. He was the backup camera

boom in Monkey Business. Monkey Business. One of my favorite movies probably of all time. It won an Oscar that year. 1904. You had Jim Clankle. You had

Arlen Bunkleson. You had Marlene and you had so many other talented people too in there. You know what's sad is uh you know they're all they're all so talented but so troubled they're yeah they're pain in their

acting did you hear about what happened to binky no i know what happened to binky dude binky binky od'd no way right okay i think it was like a day before his 102nd birthday, correct? Oh, you want to hear something funny that apparently happened in Weatherford? Yeah, go for it. The kid who played Alfalfa in, what was that, Leave it beaver was a little rascal or something you're talking about the new one or the old one old one i think the new one like the one that was made like no no no it wasn't that one i don't think you're talking about the old motherfucker from like 1902 oh no i guess it was a new one but the new one isn't that old right it's it's from the 90s i think yeah yeah okay

then that's one yeah yeah when is weather claim the fame is he uh od on air duster at the lakinta end wait is this real i believe so yes that or a friend was telling me a very funny lie why was he in weatherford dude let me actually make sure in case you didn't make this up, because if so, dude, I absolutely bought it. Alfalfa. Airduster. Are you searching your text messages for Alfalfa Airduster? Dude, it's literally correct.

I'm going to have to send you this. Give me the link. That sounds incredible. I want to know why he was in Weatherford's not a big town I think he's from here or at least in the area I like that I've sent you

like two texts I hope so like in let's see this is one of the more interesting parts of the pod in which I'm just looking at my phone, and Jake can figure out where to go with it. I had a friend of mine, a good friend. His name is Zach. I don't think he listens to this podcast. One time I went to his apartment to trade a friend of his some Klonopin for some cocaine.

And he has a little Chihuahua. Yeah. And thank you for the TMZ link. Yeah. Chihuahua at the time. And I think he still has a Chihuahua. I hope he still has a Chihuahua. The story would imply that something did happen to it.

But, anyway, he's playing 2K, or, ah, I forget what the fuck the game was playing. Irrelevant. I was fucked up on fucking Benzo's. Anyway, I'm doing a deal with his friend, and his little Chihuahua's like, being a fucking Chihuahua, being a fucking ape shit. Just being nuts as shit, being loud as fuck. And he's like, hey, if you don't, he's talking to the dog like he would talk to a guy

that's, like, fucking up in his apartment. He's like, look, if you don't chill the fuck out, I'm gonna slam the fuck out of you, do you understand me, and the dog's like, going fucking nuts, dog's got food in the bowl, he just took the dog out, I don't know what the fuck the dog's bitching about, and so he's sitting there, and he's like, dude, I need you to fucking, because I can't hear my boys on mic, and you're fucking pissing me off, the dog's like, dude, I need you to fucking, because I can't hear my boys on mic and you're fucking pissing me off. The dog's like, I'm going to fucking run around in circles. Anyway, I had not noticed that he had a Glock 40. Oh, no.

To the fucking couch he was sitting on. So he leans over and I'm, dude, I'm watching this shit play. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Because there's just something very fundamentally inherently very funny about a grown man in his apartment that he pays for talking to his dog like a dude in his house that's stealing from him

I'm going to dump a mag on you you know chill anyway he reaches behind him and he grabs his Glock and he points it at the dog he's got a laser attachment on the Glock he turns the laser on he's like I'm gonna fucking dump this magazine into you you don't shut up dude the dog just like dog went laid down

i was like how do you like shot people in front of the dog before i added the dog like i don't know man i don't i don't know i really don't know because I really don't know. Because I had one of those gun safety PSA commercial moments where I'm very fucked up in this dude's apartment. And we're all fucked up. It's like middle of the day. And he pulls a gun out. And the commercials from when I was a kid, like the mid-2000s, that's literally what happens in the commercial.

They're all hanging out in their dad's basement. And some look at this gun and then somehow all the kids die and then it plays sad music and then it's like yeah um so i was kind of freaking out because i'd been around guns my whole life but when you're fucked up on drugs and it's a guy you know as your friend you're like what the fuck anyway no the funny part of the story was that the dog kind of just like the dog knew what was up man i mean i don't know like i don't he was not going to shoot his dog look anyone listening to this and you're like that's animal cruelty he didn't shoot the fucking dog if he would have shot the dog this has been i would not be telling the story it probably would have been an ongoing

like case or whatever thing i would have to deal with my personal life but it'd be funny to claim self-defense in that like actually the dog was the dog was, the dog had the gun. I was able to wrestle it away. And unfortunately, in the encounter, the dog was unfortunately killed by a bullet that arrived on the scene. Yeah. Describe it like a shooting, the way that cops talk. Yeah. Unfortunately, we, well, we arrived um the suspect a a one foot tall

male approximately nine pounds uh he seemed he appeared hispanic he cannot confirm this at this time i'm gonna deny um he seemed to be erratic uh barking loudly uh how he was he was voiced by george lopez was by sure sure exactly how that played out. But so myself, Officer Johnson, Officer Timothy, and Chief Sergeant Marcus, we arrived on scene and we promptly dumped 568 rounds into the area near the dog. One of the rounds punctured the dog's brain and mind and uh and unfortunately the the bullet that uh that pierced him may or may not have come from one of my officers and so the dog yeah i uh i think it would be funnier if they they wouldn't be funny okay but whenever they come in and swap people they only shoot the dog like once or twice

but if they just for some reason did it like when they shoot people and they just unloaded like three clips yeah the dogs like spread from like the pantry over to the laundry room basically that's one of those things that you you read about and you read about how often it happens and you're like and then you read about the aftermath where like you know the guy's like hey i am emotionally fucked up because not only did you get the wrong house and you like shot my house up but you killed like my dog who i love like a dog and they're like can I get some restitution or like the city's like yeah here's 150 bucks to bury the dog yeah it's it's amazing I don't understand why you know people that like I'm not saying everyone I'm

not I'm not saying it's common people join the military so they can just go and shoot people yeah it is it's. It's pretty common. Yeah, actually, some of my friends have known like five people who did that. That rocks. Wow. But my thing now is why join the military at all? You don't have to make a four-year commitment. You don't have to knock up a bartender

and then six kids by the time you're 22. You don't have to do any of that. Just become a cop in a Texas town. Or like really in any town. You don't have to do... Yeah, if you're 20 you're not doing that just become a cop in a texas town or like really in any town like you don't have to do yeah if you're listening go join a police academy oh it only takes you know your certifications you meet a cop in like three weeks probably i don't know um did you ever did i ever what did you ever like when you were a kid like did cause I remember um it was like

uh career day and a and a one of the local cops the kid in my class his dad was like

the chief of police in this town I was from it was like a little suburb outside of Houston and uh he was like

I protect and serve the city and everybody wanted to be like a cop when they were a kid And he was like, ah, protect and serve the city. And everybody wanted to be, like, a cop when they were a kid. And I just, like, I don't remember ever, like, wanting to. I wanted to be a professional wrestler when I was a kid. I wanted to be WWE. And I remember thinking, like, why the fuck would anyone.

Not even on some, like, politics stuff. Like, I was like i was like why the fuck like you drive around in a car all day you gotta like write stuff on a piece of paper like you're five years old you want to be a cop like be a wrestler be jump off ladders like eat thumbtacks and shit that's what kids do see the the route i took very i mean temporarily temporarily and I think a lot of kids do this is I wanted to be a detective because I watched the Robert Downey Jr. version

of Sherlock Holmes and I was like oh that guy's so cool and then I found out how you become a detective and I was like yeah I was like once again this or something. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, and once again,

this is not me trying to be like, Oh dude, I was actually like super, super woke as a, as a conservative seven year old. Um, yeah. Um,

but I was like, Oh, sorry. You just have to be like a regular guy for like a long time like a beat cop because because at that point it's not about morality it's about oh you don't get to be a hero for a long time yeah you know do anything like you don't get to do any what i consider to be like this isn't a politics but like genuine policing where it's like i'm gonna go solve or attempt to solve rather like brutal

rape and murder or like assault or you know i don't know like any there's a whole fucking tangent i could go off on that but i don't really want to yeah i don't want to hear it either so um no i i wanted i wanted to be a marine biologist because um nature are you what you what you're gonna start no i'm doing uh atmospheric science which is like meteorology but that's right you told me that yeah but uh that was jake coughing um but yeah yeah, I just did it because I thought I was going to get to swim with dolphins and stuff all the time. And my current major has even less logic

in that I like looking at the weather app on my phone. So I changed my major to atmospheric science, not even looking at what the class requirements were. And now that's just what i'm gonna do i guess i wanted to be when i was 17 i wanted i wanted to be a lawyer and uh and so i went to school well actually no before that i wanted i went from i went from professional wrestler to professional skateboarder to actor to comic to lawyer to just like a guy that hangs out. And that's pretty much what I do now.

But I remember when I wanted to be a lawyer, I just thought that like being a lawyer was an easy way to make like $900 million a year. And then I got – And it is if you're Alan Dershowitz then i got it is if you're alan dershowitz yeah it is if you yeah and i got to college and i was talking to my professors and stuff about it and they're like yeah most lawyers get like quarter million dollars of debt and then make like 60k a year i was like that rocks how do i avoid that and they're like have a dad who's a lawyer what does your dad do and i'm like i don't know smoke fucking coke and punches holes in walls i mean i don't really i don't have any connections made through

him oh what does your mom do she works in sales or something i don't fucking know yeah then probably don't be a lawyer and like i had never because when you're a kid and you're in high school and you're i kind of went to like a like an under like kind of a shitty high school at the time you tell like a like a high school counselor what you want to be and they're contractually obligated to be like yeah no you want to be like a like a like a neurosurgeon and you have a 2.2 like high school gpa no dude you can definitely like bring that around and you can make neurosurgery happen in your lifetime and then i got to college and i was like yeah i want to be a lawyer like a like a high-powered lawyer and they're like dude you don't like don't come to

class really uh and like you don't have any connections in the industry so you should probably do something else like wait tables or you know yeah do feet that's kind of how it was. Cause I wanted to be a lawyer for a little while and decided against it when I was like 16. But whenever I got to college, my major was biomedical engineering. Holy shit. which is, you know, it's, that sounds like it's like insanely harder than like a, you know, mechanical engineering or something, but it's just a more complicated name. Really. I mean, it's just engineering, but I got there and I thought like everybody there was going to be like a researcher someday or something.

And then I talked to one of my professors and he was like, yeah, dude, you need to like lose the earrings and like the long hair. Cause otherwise you're like never going to make it in the private insurance industry. And I was like, Oh, Oh, cool. And then I just, you know, dropped out just to show him, you know. You should have said you should have been like, oh, fuck my. Yeah. I remember.

So there was a professor. It was like a stupid, like coming of age movie type shitty situation. Stupid ass dumb situation where this professor overheard one of my friends I shared a class with. At the time, I was like – I was just sort of like neck deep in like a cocaine addiction or whatever. And he – I never actually struggled with that. It was just you. No, continue though.

Yeah. I never actually struggled with that. It's just you. No, continue though. And one of my friends had made a deviated septum joke and was like talking about I had partied like the night before. He had partied with me. And the professor heard it. And then afterwards, and I wasn't doing well in his class at all.

I was skipping a lot. Afterwards, he's like, hey, can you like stay after? For a bit, I want to talk to you about an assignment. And I'm like, okay, whatever. I was assuming assuming he was gonna talk about like me skipping or whatever and he was like hey if you're like struggling with addiction and like mental health you should see someone and like i i think in his mind he was gonna have one of those movie moments where like the teacher comes to the student and is like hey brother you're fucking up brother and you you're a bright young man and you got a life ahead of you and if you keep fucking up man it'd be a shame to see such a mind but it wasn't like that because i was a little

dickhead and i was like high at that point too so i was like what the fuck are you even talking about what are you what are you going on about he was like man you know i just you know i know what what it's like i'm like dude i gotta fucking is there anything else you want to talk about like and after that he was like he was also like my academic counselor so like i had to go see the dude about like you know like bad grades or whatever and uh he would be like is everything okay? Are you doing good? And I'm like, you have a PhD in philosophy. You're not a shrink. Even if you were, I wouldn't fucking talk to you.

Second of all, what are you doing right now? Is Radiohead playing? In the scene in your mind, is there no surprises playing in your head? Are you having a Goodwill hunting thing going on in your head? Because I am profoundly stupid and irresponsible. I commit academic dishonesty for money. I write papers for money. That's what I do.

I'm super broke all the time. I would have money if I didn't blow it all up in my – what do you think is going on here? And he's like, well, I just wanted to check in. You have a good one. And in hindsight, I feel bad that i yeah i mean there's a lot of like um i guess opportunities like that you get well i mean not everybody gets but um well like you know people reaching out to you and stuff and and if you're you know 19 or whatever it's like dude are you seriously trying to kill my vibe right

now is that what you're doing yeah it's like's like, wow, this guy hates me. He hates who I am. He hates partying. He hates, he hates me having a good life, which I do have. It's awesome. I have one right now. Yeah. And, and he's probably the worst person in my life right now. And looking back here somebody just asked you if you're okay because you kept falling asleep on the bus or whatever falling over mid-leg yeah i don't i i guess i've had like enough reflection now to like recognize those moments in my life or whatever and this is this is not this, but whatever. But just like, but like, but having the kind of wherewithal to be like, you know, the kind of bravery you have to have as a person to like make yourself vulnerable being like, hey man, are you good? And then having some like shithead fucking kid be

like dude what the fuck are you going on like what are you doing do you think you're like is this cool to you i'm the coolest guy on this college camp do you understand i'm the most rock and roll guy you are not rock and roll and then to like shatter that guy's whatever fantasy he was having in his head about saving the life of a young ne'er-do-well yeah it's uh being a hooligan is somewhat overrated i would say i mean it's i mean it's not something you you have to fully regret but it's like ah, there's one where you just got to kind of cut it out, I guess. Or at least put a tamper on it.

I mean, like, you know, like it's not. I mean, it's one thing to like be, you know, 17 or whatever, and you're making bad decisions or something, because I mean, that's pretty. That's kind of the time to do it for you. But if you're like 35 and it's like, Oh dude, like, I'm just not, you know, I, I had, I had several experiences like shortly after I quit doing cocaine and before COVID where I would go to like little, cause everyone's older. So it's no longer a party. It's like a kickback. I'm like, dude, this is stupid. Same fucking thing. We're just all like close to, we're like mid twenties now, early to

mid twenties. Anyway. So I'm at this guy's house and, uh, I was trying to find a fucking bathroom. I remember this house before. And, uh, uh this guy is like i walk into this room it's like the drug doing room and you know there's a bunch of girls in there and like a couple guys and they're all doing coke and this guy was like jake here you go and like hands me a key and i'm like no man i don't do that stuff anymore i had like a you don't drive anymore? Yeah. I know. 75 DUIs. Legally, I'm not sure it's possible. I'm not in prison for life, but I have 75.

I'm going to get 76. No, he hands me a key, and he's like, do this bump. And it was like an Abbott and Costello moment where I was like, no, I don't do that anymore. And he was like, oh, yeah, I'm sure, brother. And I'm like, no, I don't. I had to stop. But you can do something. This doesn't make me weird. It doesn't make me feel weird or nothing.

He's like, yeah, yeah, I bet so, man. Here you go. And I'm like, Sean, dude, I don't do cocaine anymore. And this went on, this exchange happened, like, seven or eight times before his, I guess it was a girlfriend at the time, or whatever, or some girl he was sitting next to, I don't fucking know, I was like, dude, I think he's, I think he's being serious, and he was like, you don't really know, and I'm like, no, man, I got, like, five months, four or five months now five months now he's like well I never thought I'd see the fucking day and it's just like at that point

I was like alright I gotta leave this party like this I didn't really care like I didn't expect a hey man congrats but I didn't expect like a I also didn't expect like a yeah I thought you were gonna die like you kind of I thought you were I'm surprised you're alive I'm super surprised that you quit like I thought

you were gonna I'm surprised you're alive. I'm super surprised that you quit. I thought you were going to be fucking dead. Being disappointed that you're not involved in that anymore. Oh, that's... He's got a party by himself now. Who invited the fucking Baptist? Who invited fucking Pastor Jake?

Who the fuck? I didn't know it was Lent. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it. Oh, Jake's on his Ramadan BS again. You know what's funny is this guy, I told you like,

one of the only schools that accepts me because my fucking high school grades were so fucked up. It was a private school in Austin and I had to like, I went on like, took out a bunch of loans and had some scholarships to go because I was like the first person in my family to go to college or whatever. But everybody else there was like the son or daughter of some senator or governor or whatever. And like, so this kid would be like,

you know, one of the, one of the many that I met, I was like, hey, man, it's none of my fucking business. But like how in the fuck do you afford like an eight ball a week? Because like I could have a nice savings account because I write papers for money and I bartend and I bounce. He's like, oh, well, you know, my dad just gives me like seven grand a month. And I'm like, that is, excuse me? And I was like, I would, if I get my PhD, do you understand? If I get my PhD and I make seven grand a month,

that would be an insanely, like an insanely fucking sweet deal. Seven grand a month isn't, an insanely like an insanely fucking sweet deal seven grand a month isn't it's like yeah it's sort of like my uh because like well because the mercedes payment's like 900 right and then you know my apartment in downtown's like three grand right and then the rest is just sort of like for me and i'm like like, your parents don't give you money? And I'm like, my mom gave me like 20 bucks the other day. And then like my dad asked for $20 that next day. Like I don't like it. Yeah.

It's – that whole dynamic is really weird to me. Yeah. Not the like just having everything covered. Yeah, no, it's super. I don't, I don't mean to like claim that,

you know, I grew up in a sewer or something. It's just, that's a, such a whole different level of, of having a good life. Like to me, having a,

having a, like doing well for me is like, I can afford to get fast food like twice a week. Maybe that's like, it's like, Oh dude, I'm living the dream. Um, all your bills are paid and you have 200 bucks left over or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't't like i think i've talked about on twitter before and like maybe with you but like and i'm at the point where i don't even remember what the fuck i don't when i'm editing this i skim through it but i don't listen to the stories i tell so i'm probably gonna tell the same story like 900 fucking times but just like to be in the parking lot of that school and to get out of my 1999 crown vict with Dentsol in it and like cigarette burns and like

trash and fucking dog shit and like piss vomit. And I parked next to like, you know, a Bentley or a Maserati or a Mercedes or BMW and just being like, what the fuck? Like, why, what am I doing here? And you meet these, these kids and they're not even like new money. They're like, yeah, my grandfather, he built the Mayflower and then he sailed on it over here so he's like we've been rich for a minute and and like I was roommates with several of these people just because you make friends or whatever and I'm just being like yeah I don't uh you know I'm like hey I'm gonna have to give you utilities like next week I'm super tight on money right now and they're like utilities is like 40 bucks what are you talking about and i'm like i have like four dollars and i'm gonna have four dollars until i get paid again and like that sentence it would

be like if next time we do the podcast i came on here speaking fluent cantonese to you you'd be like you don't know what the fuck like they don, they just didn't understand. But if you did that, I spoke, like, better Cantonese than English. I was like, I don't want to know you. You better edit that out. You better, you can leave it in. It's whatever. If you're wondering, my uncle was meditating in my corner and he was floating up

and I you have a Cantonese uncle? all my uncles are Chinese have I told you this? all my uncles are Chinese being an uncle is one of the most Chinese things you can do yeah it's very sage

it's a very sage. It's a very sage position in life. I've probably got one of the most Chinese uncles in the world. Is he from Weatherford? No, he's from Lubbock. You know Lubbock is really popular with the Chinese. Did you ever go to Tech for any reason?

No, my sister went to Tech. Dude, that place... I had to go to a wedding around Lubbock this summer. I wore a mask and it was like 15 people. But I don't know why I'm justifying it. I already went and it was like five months ago but also I was nervous about going

but it's like a four hour drive from here longer for you. It's like seven hours. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Dude, the whole way is just the pan handle for me has always been like almost a spiritual region because it is so soul-deadening. It feels wrong to me that anything was built out there. It's like a liminal space. It's like purgatory.

Even the Pl indians knew to leave it move around yeah it's it's real easy to build that like it's real flat you think they they couldn't have built built houses if they wanted to now they they were afraid of the land as they should have been and then we we win we built a bunch of days ends and we built arrogance we built tennis courts and we built giant football stadiums and we all crowded over there and um and you know i don't i think i speak for everyone when i say i hope i hope the coronavirus kills everyone in the panhandle. It's driving through – Jake was discussing earlier.

He brought up the idea. I'm just bringing it out to the audience. Genocide. You know how many people we would kill? I mean I hope that doesn't happen because I have a few friends that live up there, but it would be quite an event, wouldn't it? You can stand on one end of that motherfucker and you can see 500 miles. I mean, there's just nothing out there. Texas is not – there are very beautiful parts of this state.

You go out to the hill country, it's wonderful. Yeah. Out where I'm at, yeah. And I see it. But if you're out there, like, when I would drive, when I would drive, I drove down to South Padre Island when I was 20. To go do South Padre Island, like, 20-year-old shit. like 20 year old shit and uh out there like the closer you get to mexico like it's just it's kind of like the panhandle where it's just like that there's this dead space of hundreds of miles where it's just like road and then like town and then hotel and nothing. And they really should separate this state into like four different states.

Fuck secession. Like make it like four. Like make Houston like its own fucking thing. And then Austin be, you know, whatever the fuck. And then just have like the panhandle just be like Mad Max. Like it's just chaos. Sorry. These pants I have on smell so bad.

I don't know why.