Plumbing the Death Star - Could You Be a Better Conscience Than Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio?

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

Let’s be honest, Jiminy Cricket sucks. He barely teaches Pinocchio right from wrong let along how to be truthful, brave and unselfish. No matter which way you cut it, Pinocchio is let down by every authority figure he meets. So let us look after this horrifying wooden facsimile of a real boy! We’ll teach him a thing or two about a thing or two. And just before we impart good morals or whatever, we do have a quick questions: what is he? He cries but he doesn’t seem like he needs to breathe but he can drown and we are scared. We prefer when a puppet has our thoughts and not it’s own. The Blue Fairy really cooked this one, thankfully we know the perfect three wishes that will fix this horrible, horrible mess.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. This one's for you, Chris.

Three, two, one. That was a really good clock. Yeah, I have to say. I must admit. All right, everyone ready? Yeah. Good to go. We fucking locked in.

I'm so locked in. Fuck yeah. Call me a door with a lock. That's how locked in I am. Call me a lock. That's how locked in I am. Call me a safe. That's how locked in I am. Call me a fucking race car driver that's strapped in and ready to go. Gentlemen, start your engines.

And welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, a pop culture comedy podcast. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we are asking the important questions like, could you be a better conscious than Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio? I wanted to say consciousness, didn't you? I wanted to say consciousness so bad. Did you say conscious or conscience?

Conscience. Okay. No, that's fair. Play back the tape. I don't think you should. It will reflect poorly on the idea. So in the movie Pinocchio Pinocchio, wooden boy

Awesome stuff Geppetto having maybe the sad life Being like I'm near death But I wish I had a boy It's really weird re-watching the 1940 Disney one again Because I remember it was like Oh he didn't have a kid and he wanted a kid But he makes it and then he's like

Wouldn't it be funny if he was a real boy And his cat doesn't say anything. Well, yeah. Geppetto hassles the Figaro with Pinocchio, which means Figaro kind of hates Pinocchio. Fair enough. But that was Geppetto. Yeah, Geppetto was doing that. But then the Blue Fairy, who is maybe also a star,

it's unclear. She comes in. Wait, is that the star from the Wishing Star? Yeah, from the Disney movie Witch. Yeah, this is where it comes from. Or maybe, I don't know. Well, Geppetto sings the When You Wish Upon a Star, or someone does. Yeah, Geppetto does. Which is the Disney song.

Yeah. The Blue Fairy comes into the workshop. When you were watching that, I'd like to imagine I was there with you. Dude, it's the fucking song. Dude, this is the song. You're ruining the movie for me. This is the song from that movie we haven't seen yet called Wish. I wish I hadn't invited you over to watch Pinocchio.

Oh, dude, you can't just throw around- Worst mistake of my life. You just can't throw around wishes like that. This movie's fucking true. Are you saying I wished that I was watching the movie? I pray against my window. I wish Dusha would watch Pinocchio with me. I really want to watch Pinocchio with my good friend.

I wish that would happen. Then the blue fairy granted my wish. Dude, I can't fucking believe this is your wish. You had one wish blue fairy granted my wish I wish I wish I had four hot dogs I've already sent a text to dole do shavron I could have done that. Does he have your number now? No, no, no. He texts back saying, what? No. But don't worry, I'm going to see him momentarily. What if she's like, he texted back saying no. So long.

Wait, so my wish was that you could ask him? I wish Joel Dusha would think about coming to Pinocchio. Lady, I think I've been screwed out of a wish here. Anyway, Pinocchio comes to life. And there's also Jiminy Cricket there. Lady, I think I've been screwed out of a wish here. Anyway, Pinocchio comes to life. Uh-huh. Yep. And there's also Jiminy Cricket there. Yeah.

And he's a sort of rambling man, Cricket guy. Jiminy Cricket's a homeless man who just wants to warm his ass by a fire. Jiminy Cricket's just like a sort of- Jiminy Cricket is, first off, he's so horny. Yeah, that's horny. You know how horny he is. He's very horny. He's horny for Yeah, that's horny. You know how horny he is. He's very horny. He's horny for puppets, too. Yeah, that's how horny he is.

That's horny. He's horny for puppets. Puppet got ass. Yeah. He's puppets very much, too. Some of them, yeah. Some of them do. That's fucked up.

Horny for puppets. He's also, he'd love earthly possessions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he smoke cigars? Yeah. He smokes a pipe? There's some scene where Geppetto's smoking a pipe. Yeah.

Jiminy Cricket might be smoking a cigarette. I think he is. Yeah. He loves smoking. Yeah. That's awesome. In my head. I don't know.

Jiminy does get mad when Pinocchio smokes. That's true, but Jiminy's allowed. He's an adult. Yeah, that's true. I know this isn't true, but when I think of Jiminy Cricket, I immediately think of that frog that drives that man crazy. To Willinger J. Frog or whatever his name is. Hello, my baby.

Hello, my darling. Hello, my night time. There are several guys. Kind of. They're cheeky. Yeah. They both wish harm upon one man. You imagine Jiminy Cricket hates Pinocchio?

Possibly. He doesn't want him to smoke cigarettes. That's not a kind move by a friend. I don't know. Jiminy Cricket is an odd, I guess, your consciousness. Because he's also a bit jealous at times. Yeah. Because he gets real cut when Pinocchio's like, this guy's my best friend.

And he's like, gee, what am I? Sure, I'm your conscious, but come on. I thought we were good friends. He deserts Pinocchio at any drop of a hat. Well, I think he becomes Pinocchio's any drop of a hat. Well, I think... So he becomes Pinocchio's conscience because the Blue Fairy's like, and you, cricket on the counter,

you gotta tell this boy right from wrong. But he's a fucking cricket. No, no, no. Jiminy wants this job. Well, he wants a job so he can get a gold badge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. Do you remember that?

That's how the movie ends. He gets a gold badge and he's like... Yeah, Jiminy Cricket goes out and he looks at the star and he's like, that puppet deserved to be a real ends. He gets a gold badge. Yeah, Jiminy Cricket goes out and he looks at the star and he's like, that puppet deserved to be a real boy. And then the Blue Fairy's like, here's your fucking badge, brother. Well done. And then he's like, I like it.

And then the movie ends. He's dressed in stereotypical, like, you know, I'm a rough traveling nomad. Like, it's maybe just the Depression era kind of like. He's like a Depression era hobo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Blue Fairy's like, yeah, Pinocchio, you're a real boy.

Well, you're alive now, but you'll be a real boy if you are truthful, brave, and something else. All right. All right. If you know right from wrong, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then Jiminy's like, wait a second. He's just a real, he's like a minute old. He don't know shit about fuck. Hang on a second. I'll come down. I'll be his conscious. Then the fairy's like, you want to be that? He's like, yeah.

And then he's like, well, you're Sir Jiminy Cricket. This wooden boy's conscious. He's like, sweet. And then he's like, gets better clothes, better thread. He's very happy he's now well-dressed. And then he's like, I notice. Where's my fucking badge? I notice my lapel is unbadged.

It's really funny that, like, the Blue Fairy's like, you'll be the boy's conscience. And then she casts a spell on him. Yes. But it clearly doesn't give Jiminy Cricket a better understanding of right or wrong. No.

He just gets nice clothes. He remains, he keeps free will. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, which is nice, I guess. And then it's just, all right, cool. And Geppetto wakes up because he hears a crash and he freaks out this isn't a live will. Yeah, which is nice, I guess. And then it's just, all right, cool. And Geppetto wakes up because he hears a crash and he freaks out.

This isn't a live puppet. Dude, if I woke up in the middle of the night and a puppet I'd carved the night before was alive. Shoot it with a gun? I'd shoot myself. Yeah, smart. I'd be like, end of day. Yeah. If one puppet survived all the finish.

Daddy's had a mental break here. I've got to go lie down. If one puppet's come to life, Daddy's had a mental break here. I've got to go lie down. If one puppet's come to life, Why not all of them? Why not all of them? And if all puppets have come to life, I might as well kill myself right here, right now. Wow, and I'm surrounded by so many puppets that I've made.

Do they see me as their father or their tormentor? I don't know right now. I'd better check out. I don't want to live in a world full of alive puppets. Because basically, a live puppet world gets you like Gulliver's Travels, I reckon. The puppets turn me into a puppet. That's what's going to happen.

And then you get tied up? Yeah. That's what happens. I forget what happens. I don't think it gets eaten. But anyway, they might want to eat him. Is it the borrowers where John Goodman cops the same treatment? In Gulliver's Travels, do you know that one of the-

Is the borrower's based off Gulliver's Travels? No. They're just little guys. What the fuck? Did you know in Gulliver's Travels, one of the islands he goes to is full of sentient horsemen? I did not know. They're called like the Gahoon or something. Oh, the Gahoon.

And they're like alive horse guys and they're geniuses and human beings are like horses. It's a world where horse and man have a spot. Okay. So you hooked me in with a live horseman, and then you really reeled me in with, and men are like horses. What does a guy that thinks like a horse look like? Wait, yeah.

Plumbing the death star? When the alive horseman rides the man horse, what happens? Is it just a man on all fours? Is this in the movie? I don't think it's in the Jack Black classic.

Fuck! What about the Ted Danson classic? It could be. If it's not, I will forever remember what they have taken from me.

Yeah, because he goes Movies can get fucked if that's not being recreated. How crazy is it though that Gulliver turns it's like if a horse arrived here and was like

in my realm horses are guys and we're like we ride, in my realm, horses are guys. And we're like, we ride you in our realm. Hey, a live horseman. What do you mean? What do they look like? Do they describe? Is it just a horse with lips that can talk?

I think it's like a horse with kind of arms and legs, from memory. Does that mean that there's humans with? No, the humans are more like, from memory, huge ape guys. That's awesome. And they pull carts, I think. And they're live horses. Get out your little machine and look up the horsemen. I gotta check this out.

The Giloquim or something they're called? Okay, that's not what I've been looking for. No, that's the Bible's word for gods, I think. Golovis travels horse. Or Eloqua or something from the time travel? Oh yeah, Mola. Oh my god, You were close. That's awesome.

I was really scared I would be wrong. All right, I'm going to give this a red hot go. Okay, I'm excited. Ho-you-man-an-an. It's like when a horse tries to say human. Yeah, you have a crack then. Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Oh, hello No, you're on the money Give me a go Give me a go There's no question mark, Jackson Hoi hun hum. Hoi hun hum. Hoi hun hum. There's no question mark, Jackson. Hoi hun hum. All right, the hoi hun hum.

Now, are there... Let's see. Find out if there are horse men, as much as there are men horse. Yeah. I'm pretty sure there are. Description. I'm pretty sure there are men horse in there as well. Man horses or whatever.

Little man horses. Hoi hun hum. In the book, it's based off Australia. What? That's crazy. Men horse in there as well. Man horses or whatever. Little man horses. Hoon-hum. In the book, it's based off Australia. What? That's crazy. Maybe it is about plumbing the net stuff. Maybe it is.

Horse men and men horse. Yeah, so. Anyway. Get back to Geppetto. Yeah. Yeah, and then it's like, right, Geppetto has got a real boy. That's great. Almost catches fire.

But anyway, he's like, right, well, you've got to get a good education. So we're sending you to school. Yes. The very second day of his life, Pinocchio is sent to school. He's alive for maybe what? Four hours? Five hours? Very, very little time.

Let's say midnight. Yeah, he comes to life at midnight. Let's say morning at six. At six, he goes off to school. Six hours old, he's like, Japano doesn't like, oh, hey, I'm going to hold your hand, young six-year-old boy. I'm going to take you to school. No, no, no, no, no. S'm going to hold your hand, young, six-year-old boy. No, no, no, no, no. Sends him out into the street to see what happens.

And don't worry, Jiminy is there. Jiminy's maybe asleep. By the basic fact that Jiminy Cricket is a cricket, he just physically can't keep up with a puppet boy. No. I don't think it's Jiminy Cricket's fault at all. I don't know. No. Because when Jiminy, sorry, when Pinocchio I don't know. No, because when Jiminy,

so when Pinocchio comes back and he's like, oh, you know, we saved you from, I believe this was, was it Pleasure Isle? One of the times you get saved is like, oh, when you get saved from Stromboli. And then Jiminy's like, yeah, don't worry, we figured this out anyway, let's go back to your dad. And he's like, yeah, let's go.

And Jiminy's like, I'll race you. And then runs ahead. This is on Jiminy. Fucking Pinocchio gets kidnapped twice by the same guy. Does Jiminy Cricket result in the Pinocchio being ate by a whale? No. No, shockingly. It's kind of on purpose almost, them getting eaten by the whale.

And I know that I put my phone away quite a while ago now, but I do have to share about this human horse, man. They're called yahoos. Like the serious? Yeah, like Yahoo serious. That's awesome. That's why occasionally, and it's kind of old and slow,

where people are like, oh, check out these couple of yahoos. Oh, that's from the horseman island that Gulliver goes to, which is based on Australia. It's crazy that we always talk, we imagine Gulliver with like the tiny people or whatever, when there's a far more interesting island.

And he fucking hates the Yahoos, but he loves the Hoolooms. Well, you're what? He prefers their polite society compared to the crude mannerisms of the Yahoos. Yeah, they're horses, but they're guys. Would you imagine how unsettling it would be to spend time with the horse version of a human being?

Yeah. It looks like a guy, but it's like... Yeah, what are they called again? Yahoo? No, not the guys. Oh, the El Huayuyums? Yeah, the Huayuyums. Can we do our best impression of what it must look like to be a Yahoo?

Like a human with a horse's intelligence. What do you mean best impression? Well, like, Zammet's getting it. No, Zammet's thinking. That's just his head. He's doing it. What the fuck? That's just my fat guy.

Zammet's like, huh. And you're like, he's doing it. No, I did a bit of a Zammet. Yeah, there you go. He's kind of like that. It's the der. It's a der face. Like this.

This is great for an audio medium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people are saying that. We're on YouTube now. Yeah, you can do the... Hang on. Hang on. You've got to close your eyes slightly.

Make your face very slack. Yeah. And I don't know how you can make your lips loose but you want that also I think it's good to imagine you're eating grass like a yeah that's good content for everyone

good time to check out Plumbing the Death Star on YouTube where we upload our episodes in full now you can see what we look like as horses that's content I guess yeah anyway so I think for the episode You can see what we look like as horses. That's content, I guess. Yeah. Anyway, so I think for the episode, let's go through the trials and tributes.

Let's imagine Jiminy Cricket. We step on him accidentally. We're trying to get a puppet at midnight. Jiminy Cricket is there. The Blue Fairy is there. He's like, oh, hold on a second. Let me be the guy. We're like, no, get a fly swatter.

We got this. Geppetto, we want a puppet. And Geppetto's like, I'd help you up, but my puppet just came to life. And the Blue Fairy's like, we need to give it a conscience. And we're like, well, maybe we'll trade we get a puppet if we beat your boy's conscience. We get to keep the puppet. Yes, we get to keep the puppet or a puppet, any puppet of our choice. I'd prefer one that's not alive.

Yeah, well, yeah. Me too, me too. So, yes. What's the point of a puppet that says its own thoughts and not your thoughts? That really wrecks ventriloquism. Can you elaborate on what you think the function of a puppet is? Ventriloquism puppets are puppets?

Yeah, that's just what I take issue with. Entertainment is what they're for. But where do your thoughts... Do you have a little marionette in front of you and you're like, we want some pizza. That's right, puppet. Is that what you're doing? Well, you can. Or are we more like, I want some pizza.

Good work, puppet, I do. Those are my thoughts. Well, yeah, how else are you playing with toys? I guess they're all your thoughts. I guess so. I suppose. All right. You've all come crawling back to the fact that a puppet that has a conscious...

Consciousness. What's happening? Conscience? Consciousness. Consciousness. What do you mean? What do you mean? I mean consciousness.

What Jiminy is or what we are. What we. Allegedly. What we are. Wait, what are we? We have you mean? I mean consciousness. What Jiminy is or what we are? What we are. Allegedly. Wait, what are we? We have what? We've got consciousness. Okay. Consciousness, yes.

Allegedly. I was going down the right path and then got flied. Okay, you're okay. You're okay. Yeah, a puppet that has consciousness robs me of my own thoughts and playing. It's just like a guy you know now. Yeah, I get that. I get that.

Okay, so the goal here. Yeah, so we have to, Pinocchio needs to be a real boy because I guess that's the end goal. We have a goal here. Is that Pinocchio needs to be brave, truthful, and unselfish. Okay.

And that is how that Pinocchio become a real boy. Now, the first issue, Pinocchio's going to school and then a kind of con man fox and his friend who's possibly also a fox I don't know

they cat thing yeah I don't know what it is but they trick Pinocchio into joining well it's very simple because an actor's life is for you you don't need school

yeah you just become an actor now what do we think about this are we sold too? my boy's going to Hollywood oh my god you're going to Hollywood. Oh, my God. You're going to be the new Tom Cruise. We've finally been discovered.

It's kind of what Jiminy does. Yeah. I think I get it. Like, school is for chumps. It's for literal children. I mean, he's got a good point. I mean, this is a – look, he isn't a live boy. He's the only live puppet there is.

He's not a live puppet. He's not a live boy yet. And to be honest, boys – hang on. We'll be with you, Mr. Honest John, in one second. Boys, I've got a quick thing. Okay, so an alive boy, is that special? No. No, but a wooden boy?

Yeah, I was going to say, it's actually more awesome what he is kind of like. I agree. Hey, did you – he can cry and breathe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's that coming from? I don't know yet. He robbed me of my thoughts. He can also – he doesn't need to breathe though.

So what's coming out of him when he talks? I don't know yet. Words? What do you mean? Is his breath warm? Or is it icy cold? I reckon it'd be icy cold. Would it be...

Neither of those are good. What's good? Warm. Nowhere. What do you want? I want nowhere remote. There's no want? Yeah, I want nowhere. He doesn't have a heartbeat. And there's nothing.

There's no heartbeat, though. I know that much. There's no heartbeat, but he does cry. So where's that moisture coming from? Whose tears? Well, it's just wood, right? Yeah. Wood just soaks up water.

Has he been in the rain? No, because he hasn't been cured enough. Okay. It's kind of soft wood, maybe. I just don't like the idea of this. But that means there's a limited amount of wood unless he gets soaked again. Yeah. I don't know.

I think our ward is a monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also, let's point out that Pinocchio Hey Pinocchio. Yeah, keep playing. One minute.

Hollywood baby. That's exciting. Just want to know the details. He doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. If somebody said stabbing a guy is good he just would.

He doesn't. He's six hours old. He's good, he just would. He's six years old. He's nothing. He's a blip. The fact that he knows language is impressive. It's scary. When he lies and his nose grows, does he know he does that yet or is he about to find that out? We're about to find that out. Do you think it's pretty fucked up that

he's got three things he's got to be? Truthful, brave, and kind-hearted or some shit? Unself be. Truthful. Yeah. Brave. And kind-hearted or some shit. Truthful. Unselfish. Unselfish. Truthful and unselfish. Kind-hearted.

Yeah. Brave. No, kind-hearted. Why are you saying kind-hearted? It doesn't matter. His heart can be a little black. It can be a monster. It doesn't matter.

Oh, that's it. He probably will be. He can be brave, truthful. Do you think it's fucked up that So like Obviously when he isn't truthful His nose grows But when he's cowardly Or when he's not a good person There's no physical ailments

Yeah that is weird Why lying What Does he know about death No Can he die Well he puts his He puts his hand

Because all we know at the moment Yeah Is he He almost caught his hand on fire From a candle That's right. And he was laughing. He was laughing at it, dude.

He had no idea. Was his laugh fucked up? Yeah, he's scary. I hate him. I'll say it, boys. I'm so scared of Pinocchio. What is he? He's godless.

What? Does he have a soul? No, not yet. He's an amoral beast. He hasn't got a soul yet because- Look at it this way, Jackson. When he dies, he might have a ghost. And that's basically a soul.

And the black pearl is a boat. And when it dies, it turns into a ghost. And you like the black pearl. I do like the black pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean. What's really the difference between a boat and a puppet? They're both made of wood. They are both made of wood They are both made of wood Black Pearl doesn't have a mouth though

It can't talk and we don't need to teach it right from wrong Yeah, Black Pearl can't cry that we know of But if he can become a ghost No, that's not the Black Pearl But if it can become a ghost, then surely Pinocchio can Which means that it probably has a soul But then why would he be... No, because I think the Blue Fairies get a real boy and that's when he gets a soul?

I don't know. Also, why is it a talking fox? This is at the point where we look and he's just gone. He's been taken to Stromboli's circus.

I mean, sort of theater troupe or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And kidnapped. We should follow our boy. Yeah. Yeah, okay. And then we're just watching

a lovely performance by Pinoch. He learns the performance very quickly. He's like a sponge, guys. Yeah. Man, that's like, what, eight-hour performance very quickly. He's like a sponge, guys. Yeah. Man, that's like, what, eight-hour-old boy.

He's soaking it up like that. Shamboli taught him a song, I assume, about how you have no strings on me. Motherfucker's nailing it. He's singing, he's dancing. In the original movie,

Jiminy Cricket, so Pinocchio goes to many different, he sees puppets from many different countries. Yeah. Including French Moulin Rouge puppets

who show off their panties. Yeah. Whoa! Jiminy Cricket pulls out spy glasses because he's horned up. Horned up like you wouldn't believe. How we doing? I think I'm probably still thinking about how the Black Pearl has a soul in my argument and therefore you shouldn't fear Pinocchio and trying to figure out what I mean.

That's fair. I think I'm still deeply, deeply unsettled by Pinocchio's half-life. How does a boat have a ghost? Because it's not even just the Black Pearl. Well, no, maybe it's like the- Ghost ship? That's a ghost. Why do they keep throwing boats into ghosts?

No, no, no. Planes aren't ghosts. Davy Jones' boat. Yeah. When they put guys in boat. Maybe it's the combined souls of the guys, but that doesn't happen to Black Pearl. If I crash a car, do I become a ghost or does my car become a ghost?

You crash a car. You died in the car? Yeah. Then you become a car. You become ghosts. You were about to say you and the car. Yeah, you and the car become a ghost. Why is the car a ghost?

It's a car. You become like a Minotaur, but like with a car. I don't know what he's doing. That's different again. That would be a scary ghost to see. You, like a hood ornament, but it's just your torso. I was driving this car when this happened. I don't know how I ended up on the hood.

I was driving this car wrong when this happened. That makes sense. Well, sometimes you hear about hauntings where it's like a ghost car. Do you? Or a carriage. Yeah, a ghost carriage is classic. And ghost planes, too. Ghost planes. So, a ghost carriage is classic. And ghost planes, too. Yeah. Ghost planes.

So, cars have souls. Now, Pinocchio is actually kidnapped by Stromboli. Yes. Well, initially, he does a good performance and then, you know, it's like, oh, wow, yeah, he's doing incredible. And even Jiminy's like, well, what does an actor need with a little

conscience like me? At least I could say, you know, I knew him when. But, well, what does an actor need with a conscience? A little conscience like me. At least I could say I knew him when. But maybe I will say goodbye. At this point, Pinocchio, he has no shit. What's going on? Dumb as shit, nine hours old. He's like, I did an incredible job. I liked the singing, I loved the applause, I loved the attention.

Who doesn't? And then he's like, well, I gotta go home to my dad. See you later, Stromboli. And this is when Stromboli fucks up. Because then Stromboli is like, you stupid thing. No, no, no. You're a thing that I own. I'm putting you in a cage. And when you get too old, I'm going to chop you up to firewood.

Because at the point in time, he tricks him. Puppets grow. Well, this is what Stromboli says. Stromboli, we don't know. He doesn't know puppets. Is he a trustworthy guy? No. Not at all.

Also, he's referring to. He doesn't know puppets. Is he a trustworthy guy? No. Not at all. Also, he's referring to- He's kidnapped our alive puppets. He's referring to actual puppets that, you know, wood ages. Yeah, yeah, that's true, that's true, that's true. Yeah, and so at this point, he tricks him. Stromboli? Stromboli. He tricks him by giving him just like a nickel that's like a bit of metal, right?

Yeah. And so he's like, ah, Pinocchio, this is for you. Yeah. And Pinocchio is so happy. He's naive. He doesn't know. Stromboli, he had the option. He had the carrot and the stick.

And he chose the stick so quickly. That's true. Pinocchio was excited to get money. Pinocchio doesn't know right from wrong. You don't need to feed Pinocchio. No. Yeah. He's like the perfect.

And I would have been like, guys, you know how we wanted to make this? Well, I wanted to make him an actor or whatever. And we could live off them sweet money. Well, we got beaten to it. But we're his agents, yeah? Yeah, of a sort. Basically. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we can maybe have an agreement with Stromboli. My worry here is that Stromboli is a larger man than I am. Stromboli might hit you with a bat. That's my theory. Brick to the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just found out, and obviously this is not something, well, it's something we'd notice when we see Stromboli.

Yeah. But our good friend Jackson was based heavily off Stromboli. Which friend of ours? Wario from the Mario games. Oh, yes. Yes, yeah. Wario is big Stromboli. So apparently Stromboli's meant to be the anti-Gepetto.

Whoa. I get that that he exploit the puppet Gepetto loved the puppet Also they're both puppeteers Yeah that's true Well are we freeing Pinocchio From his cage Fuck Stromboli Also

Promise me Hollywood I get there it's a stage show I'm like, this is just drama. Yeah. I don't respect this. Get my boy out of the cage. Get my boy down to LA. The circus is more respectable than this theater.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause yeah, you go there and you'd be like, okay, cool. Well that's okay. You're in a cage.

This sucks. What happened there? And then, you know, Pinocchio doesn't know shit about fucking cage. Good. Yeah. Yeah.

He does. He's crying. That's when we see tears. That's when we see tears. And I have a little freak out. and there and then you know Pinocchio doesn't know shit about fucking yeah he thinks cage good yeah that's what we see tears and I have a little freak out I have to throw up in a bush yeah I would be so tempted to be like I don't wipe the tears and be like ah it's not salt yeah what it is salty I don't know what would scare me more. What would be worse? It tastes like blood. We might have to kill Pinocchio. Stop going back. I just had to double check. I just wanted to... I was just performing a little experiment,

and I was curious. I wish I hadn't. I might just suck the blood out of this puppet. Hope that's G. Yeah. What will you achieve from that? I don't know. I hadn't I might just suck the blood out of this puppet Hope that's G What will you achieve from that? I don't know What if you get puppet powers? What a puppet power

Who knows? Grow strings, get hard That would be so scary I suck the blood out of Suck the blood out of Pinocchio And they just immediately get hoisted Goodbye friends So long Who's controlling him? Suck the blood out of Pinocchio and they just immediately get hoisted. Goodbye, friends.

So long. Who's controlling him? He shouldn't have sucked the puppet blood. We told him. We told him not to suck the puppet blood. New rule. Don't suck the puppet blood. That's crazy because traditionally in Dracula, people don't suck his blood.

He sucks their blood. That's a good trick if Dracula's ever gotten you. You suck his blood back. And because he's sucking your blood, you'll get some of your blood back. Yeah, you'll be fine. Hard if Dracula's on your neck, you buy his neck. Yeah, it's good. Oh, you could do it. Yeah, you could do it.

You're more like biting his ear, I reckon. Yeah. There's blood in his ear. There's heaps of blood in his ear. He can eat your blood. Yeah. And then, yeah, I don't know, maybe you get Dracula powers or something. We don't know.

So the next thing that Pinocchio comes across. We can break that cage, right? It's a wooden cage. I mean, worst case scenario, we just unhook it and then throw it out the back of the carriage or whatever. And it just shatters and Pinocchio crawls free. But you can just kick it to breaking point. Yeah, we don't want to alert Stromboli. Yeah, that's a good point.

Get off my puppet, eh? The Blue Fairy intervenes and saves their ass. And this is when we find out that, well, A, Pinocchio is just a filthy liar. Yeah, that's true. And B, his nose grows. What's the first lie? So, I think this is on Geppetto. Yeah. Because he's like, oh, man, you're in so much trouble.

We're in so, you fucked it. You shouldn't have run away. Yeah. This is real bad. But you need to tell the truth, which puts a bit of fear into Pinocchio. Yeah, that's true. Because, like, you know, oh, you tell the truth, you do the right thing,

tell the truth, but it's going to be scary and you might get in trouble. But at no point is this any of Pinocchio's fault. No, no, no. He is but six hours old. Yeah. If anything,

it's maybe Jiminy Cricket's fault. Yes. I mean, look, to Jiminy's credit, he was like, hey, you're about to be scammed. Yeah. So just say no

I gotta go to school and immediately Pinocchio's like alright let's go and be an actor so fair enough he doesn't listen to Jiminy that's fine

but this point it's kind of like I'm fairly certain if you were like Blue Fairy I got kidnapped by a fox man and now I'm in a cage

it's not my fault I'm nine hours old I don't think you're gonna get in trouble so because he's so going to get in trouble. So because he's so afraid of getting in trouble, he's like, we got kidnapped. I got put in a sack by monsters.

And Jiminy was there too. He got put in a little sack. And his nose keeps getting so damn big. And the Blue Fairy's like, you dumb motherfucker. See that nose? Cock head. You are lying like a stupid little idiot. You make me sick. Fuck you.

Fuck your big nose. Fuck your wooden body. Fuck you. Fuck your big nose. Fuck your wooden body. Fuck you, you puppet cunt. I know I gave you this cursed existence and then just fucked off. As an all-powerful being, I probably could have made you a real boy from the beginning. But I chose not to and I fucking hate you. I gave you these stipulations to be brave and don't fucking lie to me. I didn't have to.

Surely I could have just magicked you good from the beginning. Fuck you. I'm off to go star in my new Disney film. Wish. I'm going to make this a cricket. You're a punch. Suck shit, idiot. Fucking eat shit, I reckon.

Just fucking cop that. I'm going back to space, bitch. See you there, motherfucker. Oh, didn't get the power of flight, but... Enjoy your Earth. Yeah, you could have come with me. I could have given you, but you could have been a blue fairy like me. I guess I got that.

You know what? I hate you. I like stars. I actually told Stromboli to do this. Who am I? What am I doing? I'm drunk. She put a wish for you, but did I follow through? Not really.

Should I have looked into this more? No. I am, you know, what am I even? Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers.

The first thing I'm thinking with Pinocchio's new power. Yeah. Infinite firewood. Right. Well, of course. But we don't know this, though. Yeah. Because we just break him out.

That's true. Unless he lies to us. What, does he lie to us? Why would he lie to us? Does his nose reset? Yeah. Well, that's when she magics it, right? Oh.

So we don't know. We don't know. Because it never happens again. That's true. Does he never lie outside of that? Pinocchio's nose only grows once in the whole fucking movie. Yeah. It's crazy.

That's a ripoff. I would be going back to the ticket counter after that. I heard Pinocchio's nose only grows once in the whole fucking movie. That's a rip-off. I would be going back to the ticket counter after that. I heard Pinocchio's nose grows every time he lies. That's like his one thing. Hey, can we role-play that? You be the guy. I'll be the guy at the ticket counter. Hi.

Oh, hi. Did you enjoy the movie? Yeah, it was a nice escapism from the fact that World War II was happening around us. That is a bubble. It's sad. Anyway, I'd just like to try and get a refund for this film because I believe there was some false advertising. Well, what's the advertising?

Have you seen the film Pinocchio? Yes, I have. Yeah, did you like it? Yeah, it was great. It was a nice escape from World War II that's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad we didn't get drafted. Me too.

Anyway, yeah, I've just been heard a lot. Like, I've heard a lot about his nose growing in the film, and it happens once, and it's unsatisfying. In fact, it's his whole thing, yet I never see it. What are you talking about? What do you mean, Sansaf? It grows several times, and then birds appear. We didn't talk about this, but a nest appears with eggs,

and they hatch and become alive birds. Who's this guy? I don't know, dude. I didn't bring him. Do you work here? He's been hanging around the front of the cinema. I'm a big Pinocchio head. I just love a little guy. He loves Pinocchio. Yeah, I know all about

the things. You know Geppetto, the actor? Nazi sympathizer. Anyway. Oh my god, World War II is currently happening. That's fucked up. We should contact Disney. Don't worry. The government of Britain, where we are now. Okay.

Alright. Yes, and we're in Britain. I'd like my... The Blitz is happening. Oh no. We're gonna get to a show. Don't worry about Pinocchio. There's Nazis in the sky.

I would like my shilling back. Sir, I don't think I can give you a refund just because you misunderstood the movie. Did you watch the whole movie? No, I came out after the nose scene. Then how do you know? No, I watched the whole movie. Then you watched the whole movie? What ads did you see that says his nose grew more than one?

You'll never believe a boy whose nose can grow this much. I must have missed... This summer, you'll never believe that a boy's nose could grow this much. If you see one film this summer about a boy

whose nose grows too much one time... Oh yeah, Pinocchio or whatever? Sounds Italian. No. We don't like them currently. I hate that Italian Nazi puppet. I've become confused.

When do the Italians turn? When does Pinocchio take place? The movie came out in 1940, but... Is World War II happening for Pinocchio? Will he be drafted? No, he's a little boy, thank God. Well, yeah, his little boy, when? Oh, yeah.

Is he a little boy 12 years before? No. World War II is 1938 to 1945. Yes. So Pinocchio comes out two years into the war. Yeah. But is it set during? There's no cause.

It's based on a book, isn't it? Yeah. I think he might be right. I don't think Pinocchio fights in World War II. Well, that's good to hear. Well, the first one, though. Well, that I'm less sure about. Honestly, if I knew the war was coming

and I was Pinocchio, I'd probably stay a puppet. Right? Because a puppet can't die. Well, yeah, we assume. But you might be used to firewood. Oh, that's true. But he's alive.

He can hold a gun. The Disney version of Pinocchio is set in Germany. Pinocchio, no! Imagine you're on the fucking front line. And you've got to teach. Imagine you're marching through the freaking trenches and there's an alive puppet with a gun.

Okay, yeah, all right, okay. Crawling through the mud. Now, we, in Germany, are we German citizens who are unaware of what's happening to try and teach a puppet what's right and wrong? I really think this is a tumultuous time to try and be a puppet scientist. Okay, so. Yeah.

I believe that this version of Pinocchio is set in 1883. Okay. So Pinocchio becomes a real boy. 1883, you say? Yeah. What bad things were happening? I'm sure it wasn't awesome. I'm sure it wasn't the coolest time in the world.

Let's just all check. 1883. Okay. Pinocchio would be of age. He'd be older older but he could join The troops in World War 1 He could run across no man's land He'll be 31 years old

When the war starts Do you reckon Pinocchio would die If you shot him with a gun No he catches fire and he doesn't seem to care He's not even burned I hate this Have you heard about Germany's Super weapons He's not even burned. I hate this. Have you heard about Germany's super weapon?

The alive puppet that cannot die? It's a legend of the trenches. And they're building trains. I'm more scared of the alive puppet, but the trains are bad too. We have tanks. That's true. We could crush a puppet with a tank. Oh,

in 1885 to 1886 there was the Anglo-German-African contest. Okay. That's all right. That's just contest, not war. Surely that there. I'm sure it was awesome. Probably just like,

I don't know, like an Olympics. Yeah. Probably. They probably offered me to sprint. Who can lift up this rock? I was like, oh,

thank God. There's no link I can lift up this rock I was like thank god there's no link I can oh no I can click that link oh no I mean that's in the past for Pinocchio

no it's in the future 1885 that's in his future two years in the future oh I think you said 18 okay I think Pinocchio's fighting in World War 1

and that's horrible imagine you're running across no man's land hit by a stray bullet oh he's fighting in England I think okay

you land you're in the mud you're not across no man's land. Oh, he's fighting England, I think. Okay. You're in the mud. You're not quite there. For UK, yeah. You hear a jingling jangling as a puppet comes to steal your teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Britain and Germany contested the East African coast. And I know that this is controversial, but could we?

Because presumably if we're in Germany too, which is scary. But could we somehow use Pinocchio to stop the bullet that kills Franz Ferdinand? I mean, that's like, you know, that's a bit in the future. But if Pinocchio never becomes a real boy, because we never teach him right and wrong, which if I know the war's coming,

I might not. We don't know the war's coming. How would we know? I'm from the future. I time-traveled back in a machine. Yes, and? I have a device, and it brought me back to the past to beat Pinocchio's conscience. And now I'm going to turn him into a super weapon for the Kaiser. That's what's happened to me.

Kaiser, you'll never believe. I was bred to be this puppet's conscience, but you may use him as a tool of war. Where was the assassination of... Franz Ferdinand. What are you imagining we do with Pinocchio? Yeah. How do we...

Are you imagining he takes the bullet? For Franz Ferdinand? Yeah, maybe he's... So he's down the motorcade. Yeah. The black hand are like, they say something. Yeah.

Yeah, there's something lying. Fuck you, dickhead. Then they see an alive puppet. And then he throws a grenade, I think. Grenade? Misses. Misses.

Or blows up, or doesn't blow up. Doesn't blow up. Some guy then, one of the members of the black hand jumps off a bridge to try and drown himself But it's shallow

And breaks his legs Funny And some people Went In here So Then Franz Ferdinand Is like

Did they poison a sandwich Or something No no Franz Ferdinand Is like I should go We should go see the people That were injured

In that The grenade went off Yeah So they go to there Some They had to take an alternate route Because of reason. And then one of the guys is sitting there eating a

sandwich. That's not true though. That's not true? Yeah, because I remember reading there's a guy called Mike Dash, I think he's like a historian. And he's like, hey, they didn't serve sandwiches. That's not a thing you eat in that period of time

in that part of the country so he's like i actually don't just had it okay so it's like kind of apocryphal whether or not that really happened a sandwich story i think he tried to trace it back and he's like i don't think it's a historical document it might be from some guy's biography or a fictional account of the events huh but that's what that's what he said in his blog anyway my dash history it would suck being a historic being a time traveler with what we know about history and then going back and being like, I'm going to stop

that. Oh, it didn't happen. What? It just happened. Oh, never mind. Okay, what's next for Pinocchio? Okay, okay, okay. World War I aside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where are we at? We've just saved him from Stromboli. Okay, now so the Fox, Honest John side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where are we at? We've just saved him from Stromboli.

Now, so the Fox, Honest John, the coachman, is like, I need you to get naughty boys for me to go to Pleasure Island. Yeah, unsettling. Unsettling. Nasty shit. Very unsettling. So gross shadow men are there.

They look like apes. They're very scary. We're grown men. If a fox is like, go get me naughty boys for Pleasure Island. No, we're not here. We're not here. This is the fox has gone to the coachman. He's like, I need some naughty boys.

And the fox is like freaking out because he's like, I've heard of Pleasure Island. It's bad. But okay, he's frightened. There's a weird scene. The fox is really like, I'm taking a step further in my criminal career, and I don't know how happy about it I am. He's a real moral sort of... I mean, he's fine by the time he's kidnapping Pinocchio,

but you can see he knows it's like an event horizon for him, like a moral event horizon. Yeah, he crosses that bridge, and he's like, I shouldn't... Yeah, there's a lot going on in that scene in Pinocchio. And then it's like, okay, well, we've got Pinocchio. And we're like, well, your dad is missing you. He's upset.

We're going to take you back to Japan. And then for some reason, we're like, foot rest? I reckon I could smoke this fucking puppet. I've got legs made of muscle and bone. My leg is basically the size of him. Dude, I've been resting this whole time just for this moment. I've been conserving energy. Watch!

And then I just... Yeah. Three, two, one, go! And then you look up and everyone's gone. And Pinocchio's being taken away to Pleasure Island. Nice! That's crazy he gets taken to Pleasure Island because he hasn't been a naughty boy.

He hasn't done shit. Well, he's the kidnapper, right? Yeah. Honest John is basically being like, well, I need you to find... The coach was like, I need you to find, the coach was like, I need you to find just, you know,

naughty boys. He just wants boys. He doesn't really care. He just wants folks to go to Pleasure Island because Pleasure Island is a magical place. Pleasure Island is awesome.

You can smoke cigars. You can play pool. You can trash houses. Drink beer. Drink beer as much as you want. Unfortunately, you will turn into a donkey. You will turn into a donkey unfortunately you will turn into a donkey you will turn into a donkey sold into a salt mine

you either go to the salt mine or you become glue those are your options and one thing with Pleasure Island just to I guess really cement how awesome it is yeah

this whole time I thought it was called Arse Island because that was like they turn into donkeys yeah yeah yeah yeah but I get it

because like if you were like hey Jackson do you want to go to Arse Island I would not think donkeys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get, but I get it because like, if you were like, Hey Jackson, do you want to go to us? I would not think donkeys. No. Hell yeah. I'm about to have the most magical night of my life.

And then when I got there, where's the ass? Right here. And then I become a donkey. Yeah. Oh. Damn it. So now.

So you're okay. So we've, we've beat Pinocchio in a foot race. Yeah. And then we're like, got him, turn around Oh god, he got kidnapped once again We are bad at this Now Jiminy Cricket gets there in time

Pinocchio's only grown ears and a tail Are we quicker than Jiminy Cricket? Are we gonna get there and there's just a bunch of donkeys And we're like, where's Pinocchio? Oh wait, that one's made of wood. He's only there because... Did Pinocchio become a flesh and blood donkey? Whoa, he should have just stayed on Pleasure Island.

Then he couldn't become a real ass. That's weird. Yeah, he does. God, I'm unsettled by Pinocchio. Fair enough. He goes from wood to real donkey. At a certain point, Pinocchio is like 20% real donkey The rest fake

Yeah he's like 20% real donkey 80% fake boy That's fucked up But then he becomes real so then it's alright He becomes 100% real boy he doesn't become Oh but then he can Well he loses his ears when the blue fairy makes him a real boy Yeah yeah yeah

But at that point, he can drown. We'll get to this. We're not there yet. Okay. So Jiminy, he jumps onto the coach to go to Pleasure Island. So I think if we also did the same thing. Yeah. We're going to Arse Island, boys.

Yeah. Arse Island. Yeah. But Jiminy isn't quick. That's true. He is a cricket. That's true. He's just like- He is a cricket. Not just that.

He's just like, you can't believe you're hanging out with Fitchwick or whatever. He's your best friend. Lampwick, that's right. Lampwick. Lampwick is me. He chuffs off. That's a good point. Then he sees a transformation.

Then he's like, oh no. Maybe I shouldn't be a jealous little bish boy. Maybe I should- Maybe I should save Pinocchio. Maybe I should look after this alive puppet who's only been alive for... At this point, like 10 hours, 11 hours maybe. No, it's maybe like 26 hours at this point. Does the magic of Pleasure Island work on, say, us?

If we're smoking cigarettes and looking at us or whatever, probably. I may be a donkey, buddy. I hate to say this, Jackson, but I too might also be a donkey. I'll be donkey first, I think. Pinocchio might need to get us out of this. Depends how much Pinocchio's been stressing me out. Yeah, oh dude, I'm stressed

by just looking at Pinocchio freaks me out. People are smoking cigars. There's drinking there too. There's drinking and there's a place you can go just to wreck a house. Yeah. It's like a big house and they're like, just go and fuck this place up. Dude, are you kidding me? I love Arse Island.

Yeah. I just feel this fucking little real boy thing has been pissing me off. You know what? I'm back at it. I'm back at it. I actually. I'm on the durries again. I don't care.

I'm taking it up again. Just for tonight, I'm going to it. I'm back at it. I actually. I'm on the durries again. I don't care. Taking it up again. Just for tonight, I'm going to have a lovely smoke, and then I'm going to throw this brick into that glass window. Now, hand me my beer. I don't even care about turning into a donkey. I think that the salt mines yearn for me. Something that really unsettles me about the donkeys is that some of them keep human speech, and it doesn't really establish why.

Well, they, like They send them back. I think maybe it's a time when they weren't as naughty as they could be. Or they weren't whole arsing being in arse island. Speaking of whole arse and arse holes, I think that I will be the only one who will not transform into a donkey because there's no... On arse island, there's nowhere for you to partake in erotic plushes. That's true.

So while you're like, I'm drinking, I'm smoking, I'm like, well, I'm going to find the arses, and then I find nothing, come back pissed off. Just so angry. Fuming right in the face. I fucking hate Arse Island. I've been everywhere on Arse Island. I've explored every hole in Crevice,

and I haven't found a single good hole. Hole in Crevice. Yeah, it's very much like the naughty things for little boys. Because you're like, yeah. I want naughty things for adult men. It's cigars, not durries. So I think I won't. I'm like, no cigar for me.

And I'd be scrounging for a durry. Yeah, that's true. Fair enough. And I don't think I can find one of those. I actually don't like the taste of beer. Yeah, me neither. And so unless we're hitting like. We, that's true. Fair enough. I don't think I can find one of those. I actually don't like the taste of beer. Yeah, me neither. And so unless we're hitting like- We're riding our donkey.

Unless we get into the- Cigars are not something that I would- Okay. I think that smoking cigars- What about American beer? Because it's American beer. Maybe I'm okay too. Is there a cider or a scotch?

I don't think so. Any whiskeys? Big frothy tankards of American beer. Yeah, smoking a cigar. Well, German beer. We're in Germany. Oh, it's German beer. Uh-oh.

Nine! Well, and yeah, if we... Yeah, because I'm like, look, I might be scrounging for some, like, yeah, some diaries. I might be scrounging for some whiskey. Yeah. I might be too busy doing that to maybe not destroy the house. Again, like you looking for

holes and crevices, I might be looking for my particular equivalent. I'll be drinking a stein of beer and be like, this is alright. Cigars make you look stupid when you smoke them, so I will avoid that. Now, Pinocchio, he inhales like he tries to inhale a cigar.

Yeah. And he only gets donkey ears and a donkey tail. That's true. He hasn't smashing anything. Okay, we got a problem here. I see him struggling to smoke a cigar. I'm like, wait, I'm meant to be in charge of this boy. So I walk up and I'm like, no, no, no, you don't inhale cigar smoke.

Well, no, but this is like a- Lampwick? Lampwick, he does. This little fucking boy, he inhales a goddamn cigar. From tip to lip, the cigar just disappears. Lampwick's got to set our lungs. He's going to do well in the salt mines. Honestly, if I see Lampwick do that, I might try.

Oh, fancy cool cigars. Oh, wait, no, it's normal. Oh, my God, I feel like shit. Because I'm guessing the only reason that Pinocchio becomes only a little bit of a donkey is because he only partakes a little bit. Yeah, okay, that's true. So if you're only drinking a beer and you're not destroying things. Yeah.

Playing pool, though. That seems to be also on there. I think as well. So Jiminy Cricket comes in as Pinocchio is transforming. We will transform alongside Pinocchio so we're kind of going to be donkey men as we flee and Pinocchio might be more donkey

he might be like a donkey with Pinocchio's head we're going to be a couple of Dumbo boys we've at least got donkey legs and donkey brains unfortunately we came to us island with those. They can't get us there. Gotcha. Okay.

And then we go. We return to Geppetto's house. But how would you believe? Geppetto is missing. Whoa. Not just him. He's been gone a long time. His house got ate by a whale?

No, not his house. No? Geppetto. No. They return to Geppetto's house to discover it full of cobwebs. And Geppetto... Look, it's a boring movie. Don't watch for the kill. It's so

boring. It's really scattered. It's just a lot of nonsense happening. When they go in the whale, the house is there. No, that's a boat they're on. I really checked out. They go back to Geppetto's house. After the Oz Island bit, you're like, hmm, fuck this movie. Time to go to bed, I guess.

I'll make up the rest. So they go back to Geppetto's house. And this weirds me out because Geppetto's house is like abandoned. Yeah. Covered in cobwebs. Figaro's gone. Cleo's gone. But it's like, I don't know how long they spent on Pleasure Island.

Because I have no idea the timeline. Because the house is like, it's like it's been abandoned know how long they spent on Pleasure Island. I have no idea the timeline. Because the house is like, it's like it's been abandoned for years. Maybe time works different on Pleasure Island. Who can say? Geppetto's not dead yet, though, and he's an old man. Time works different on Pleasure Island. Or maybe in the guts of a whale. So they discover that Geppetto went to try and find Pinocchio,

and unfortunately he got sucked off by a whale. Fell into the sea and eaten by a whale? Yeah, a whale named Monstrum. So, a letter. Yeah. A letter sent by them. I guess they, because you see later when they're in the whale, Geppetto's stuffing letters into bottles and sending them out to the sea.

Yeah. They pop out of his hole in his head or whatever. That's awesome. That's what whales got. Blowholes are sick. Yeah, they are cool, dude. I would love to have a blowhole. Oh, I know you'd love to have a blowhole.

But I'd be scared that if I sneezed, my brain would shoot out the top of my head. Guys, check this out. It's good if it comes out the top and I just have to stay completely still so it lands again. Like you watch as the life leaves my eye. And the brain lands in again and I'm like. How cool is that? It's like a tiny, thin bit of brain. Jackson, your brain is really small.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. I know. But I'm grateful every day because I couldn't do that trick if I had a bigger brain. I keep doing it. So then, Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket. Real talk, though. If you had a blowhole, you would die because you put a hot dog in there.

Dude, maybe this is a new way of eating. How long until you started to finger your own blowhole? Oh, dude. Day one. I get a blowhole. 25 to 30 minutes. The blue fairy's like, what? What wish can I grant you?

And I'm like, blowhole. Top of the head. And one raw hot dog. Do I get one last wish? Why raw? G-spot in my brain. Why raw? Make it cook.

It's a new way of eating. Yeah, it's a new way of eating. Are you going to cook the... You cook a nose hot dog? No. It's going to raw. I don't need to cook it because I'm not tasting it. It's hitting my G-spot and I'm dying.

You trying to... Okay. The three wishes come true. He unwraps the bra Dog shoves it into his brain Hits his G-spot so thoroughly That he dies and comes at exactly the same time And Jackson Bailey is welcomed into heaven with open arms

Blue fairy is like Honestly in good conscience I shouldn't have granted that wish Yeah it would have been like 3, 2, 1 your wish is true. Rest in peace. Everybody's got another angel today. That's really spectacular. So Pinocchio and Jimmy Cricket.

It's just so funny to imagine. It's up your head, first of all, killing you, but then also you're coming, and you also shit because you died. So it's like pushing a lot out real quick. I think there's going to be like a second where I'm like, hot dog in the head. Beat! You're like, I wouldn't have used my wishes for that.

But to be fair, to his credit, I don't know what that would have felt like. Maybe it felt fucking awesome. I don't know what that would have felt like. Maybe it felt fucking awesome. I don't know. Yeah. What was incredible. It might have been great. It could have been worth dying for.

No human being has ever done before. We don't know if that was worth the wait. No one has ever fucked their open brain for pleasure with a raw hot dog. Yeah, you're right. No, no, history, no, no one's seen that. Unless we do it ourselves, we don't know if it was worth it. History has been like, has that happened before?

No. No one's even come close. That's crazy. Yeah, we've trepanned ourselves. We've got open brain surgery surgery but nobody's ever had a G-spot in their brain so I guess so we don't know

I guess you know it's all connected right pleasure is in the brain someone could argue it's a mental game he took it a bit too far that's good as well if the Blue Fairy's like

you get three wishes each and I with no prompting those are my wishes G-spot in the brain raw hot dog blowhole blowhole blowhole

blowhole top of the head top of the head wow G-spot in the brain, raw hot dog. Blowhole, blowhole, blowhole. Top of the head, top of the head. Wow. He'd been thinking about it for a while. He had that all planned out for three wishes specifically. This is collapsing on the floor. We're like, I wish for a hundred bucks.

I wish I didn't see that. First of all, I wish I didn't see that. Yeah, first of all. I wish that never happened. I wish that never happened so that you just like come back up. You motherfucker! You robbed me of my dream! Anyway, I wish

for a blow up! No! You only get two wishes because you wish you didn't see that. He forgot to wish for a J spot! You idiot, you're get two wishes because you wish you didn't see that. Oh, that's true. He forgot to wish for a G-spot. You idiot. You're just going to

put a hot dog in your brain and die. No one here is good. You misunderstood. You need all three. So, yes. Spinocia got a little

away from us there. Yeah, just a touch. That's okay. We'll come back Whale We're in the whale's mouth Well we're in the sea Yeah Then the whale eats us Now

What's the jump between Finding the house Yeah And then realising he got eaten by a whale Oh because you find a Straight away He gets a letter He gets a letter

The letter says we're inside the whale monstro Then we cut to Jiminy Cricket and Pinocchio And they jump off a cliff into the sea Awesome And yeah Pinocchio just holds a rock or whatever and he can breathe underwater

because he doesn't need to breathe I think Jiminy Cricket puts a rock in his pants he also doesn't need to breathe except sometimes he does yeah no

yeah because there's a point where he gets trapped in a bubble yeah but he pops it so he's because the bubble fills with water and he's like and then he pops the bubble

and he can breathe again Jiminy Cricket is maybe also cursed I don't know. Or maybe some kind of evil spirit or a devil. Maybe when the Blue Fairy

was like, I usurped Jiminy Cricket conscious. Oh yeah, she gave him an accio. Maybe that killed him. Because you know,

generally, conscious is like a little blue devil. True. Maybe Jiminy Cricket's been dead the whole time. Maybe. Does that mean we been dead the whole time Maybe Does that mean we're dead?

Well you are now I haven't had my wish granted Pinocchio's still a fucking puppet That's true Because if you were Killed by the blue fairy You'd presumably be tethered to Pinocchio But Jiminy Cricket

Doesn't look and often act like he is. Maybe crickets can breathe underwater. Yeah, Bugs famously find when wet. Maybe he's one of them famous German crickets that can breathe underwater. Is there a chance he's been a fish this whole time? Germany fish.

Doesn't look like a regular cricket. Could be a frog. Yeah, he could be a fucked up frog. Michigan J-Frog. It's Ellen Mc frog. Yeah, it could be a fucked up frog. Michigan J frog. Yeah. It's Ellen, my baby. Ellen, my doll. Ellen, my nighttime gal.

I don't know if that's the lyrics. No, it's close enough. Whatever. So then we get eaten by the whale. Does a man who sees that frog kill himself? No. That would be a grim ending to the Michigan J frog scenario. He gets the frog.

The frog sings and dances and he's like, brother, I'm about to become the most famous man in the world. So I think I remember this correctly until the end. You imagine that instead of just being like, well, I'm giving that up. He's like, time to end my life. I thought that he kept trying to show people and they kept being like, you're crazy. And then the frog was like, wop, wop. Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened.

And then everyone's like, I hate this guy. And then at the end, he's looking at the frog and goes, wop, wop. And then he hangs himself. No. That would have been, I don't know if in the 1930s, when you're watching that in the theater, I don't know if you could handle that. It's a lot to throw at people. Sometimes in the 1930s, it made very fucked up cartoons. You go from seeing a train flying at you

to this man killed himself because of a frog. Thank God, now at least there's a frog, a kind frog. Nothing bad can happen now. Uh-oh. Something terrible happened. That man used that noose. So, Swallowed by the Whale. Yes. We find Geppetto. Yeah.

At this point, really, Germanyiny Cricket doesn't do much. Yeah. We're just like, we tried to give him still right or wrong. Because Jiminy doesn't really do much anyway. No. What have we done? Anything? We tried to be like, we could make this little boy an actor.

You got too afraid of him. Yeah. We're now donkey men. Yeah. Yeah. We're like, hey, Geppetto. Geppetto sees us, immediately probably recognizes what happened. His boy's a bit of a donkey.

We're a bit of a donkey. In the film, how does Pinocchio get turned back into man? Well, he makes a fire in Monstero's mouth. Yeah. Makes the whale sneeze. Then everyone gets ejected. And at this time is the first and only time for some reason that Pinocchio needs to breathe. Because as we are on the shore, Pinocchio is now face down in a puddle of water.

It's actually so funny. And I'm so shocked it didn't become Or hasn't become like a reaction image online Because it is just in the shallows And I'm just face down Fucking dead And it's so funny There is so many great moments in this There's a moment when Lampwick becomes a bit of a donkey

And Pinocchio has a beer And he just like looks at it And then just pushes it away It's so funny I don't want that to happen to me Just a quick look of No I don't want to be a donkey And he just looks at it and then just pushes it away. It's so funny. It's so good. It's so funny. I don't want that to happen to me. Just a quick look of, no, I don't want to be a donkey. And then, yeah, Pinocchio.

He's drowning in a bottle. He's dead. He's dead. Rest in peace. I don't know if you know this. Very much a self-sacrifice. Brave, if you will. A bit of an act of heroism.

Yeah. And now, you become a real boy. But an alive real boy. Yeah. It's not like, I grant you your wish. That's a drowned little boy. You're a fairy?

You're a fucking maniac. Yeah, well, you all suck. You're not stars. I'm going back to space. Yeah, see you there. Oh, wait, no, I won't. Can you follow me?

Oh, yeah, you can't. Can you fly, fucko? No. Yeah. I've read all of your minds. You're the only one, yeah, you can't. Can you fly, fucko? Yeah. I've read all of your minds. You're the only one, Jackson, with an interesting thought that's even close to a star thought. And that's you want a blow on the top of your skull with a cheeseburger and then a raw hot dog to figure your brain.

You know what? Granted. Oh, my God. See ya. Dead. Yeah, so then Pinocchio's made a real boy, and Jiminy Cricket is granted his wish. Yeah.

Now, I am my wish. What were yours? Was the wish just a... A blowhole in the top of the head, a G-spot in my brain, and a raw hot dog. Jiminy. Oh.

Yeah. What Jackson just said. Jiminy Cricket's wish. Well, gee, I guess I'd like a G-spot in my brain, a blowhole in the top of my head, and a raw hot dog to finger my brain with. Well, I like these threads. These are real nice and good, but...

You know what I really wish I had? Really wish I had. Well, Jiminy, for being so brave. Well, gee... Face of cricket! This last should be so big! Really wish I had one. Well, Jiminy, for being so brave. Well, gee. He's a cricket. The sausage be so big. He just swishes himself at the sausage.

That's the tragedy of Jiminy Cricket. He didn't ask for a bug-sized sausage. That was his mistake. That was his mistake. Yeah, but it was his wish to be. I thought he was like, does this come with a badge? I want a badge. Well, he says that, but then he kind of goes outside and gets it granted to him. That's when the movie ends.

It's a bit of a wish for Jiminy. I guess, did we achieve our goal of teaching Pinocchio right and wrong? Well, we're donkey men and Jackson's dead. But then again, I don't think Jiminy did either. Did we do a fairer job as Jiminy? Yeah. We did basically the same as Jiminy. We did it again.

That's the best you can do when Pinocchio is your ward. What's worse than Jiminy Cricket? That's the best anyone could do. What would be worse than Jiminy? I don't think so. We're donkey men now. Jiminy wasn't. Yeah, he didn't become a donkey man.

That's true. Pinocchio became more donkey with us than he did with Jiminy. But then again, also. Ultimately didn't matter. Yeah. But also, I don't think he probably did because, again, Jiminy's really material there. Yeah, that's true.

Unless we're being like, no, no, no, smoke up, Pinocchio. Yeah. It's real sick. Pinocchio, well, he tries to lamp wick the cigar. Yeah. Which he cannot do. I don't know if we'd be there being like, oh, yeah, Pinocchio, do this, because I think we'd all be too impressed with lampwick.

I think there's a really good chance that we just lose Dusha to the salt mines. Oh, yeah. I think we just watch you go away as a donkey. We're like, he had too much fun, and he also kept saying he yearned for the mine. Or the mines yearned for him. It's confusing. You'd be off there year Or the mines yearned for him? It's confusing. You'd be off there yearning the mines.

Me and you'd be scrounging around for Diaries, Whiskey, and Hoss. Yeah, yeah. I think that's when maybe Pinocchio

might find us with his ears and his tail and be like, what the fuck happened here? Dude, where do I go

to get that? Wait a minute. Pinocchio, you gotta be honest with me. Those real donkey get fake boy. Because this is stressing me out.

This is stressing me the fuck out. I just saw my friend go off to the salt mines. Which he loves. I don't know why. But he wants it so bad. He really hurried it up. He got donkey ears. Give me more cigars.

I don't even like this. It's just there with like a a bag Holding like what Eight cigars I'm like the guy In the Guinness Book of Records Eeyore What the I'm trying to force it Eeyore

Eeyore It's not working yet Eeyore I hate this The mines They yearned for me Dusha lost his mind At Arse Island

Yeah Rest in peace Dusha's off to the mines I've died Because of my G-spot Brian so I was like what are we wishing for again blowhole

Pinocchio's a boy and Samit blowhole G-spot look pretty okay maybe

he seemed like he liked it yeah it's like hitting an off switch really yeah it's like your body takes a screenshot and you die

it's like hitting the most yeah the most just like the most perfect off switch. You know what, Blue Fairy? Make me a fake boy. Zabit becomes a puppet. You just settled at the Geppetto's workshop. There's strings on me. That's nice. That's beautiful, dude.

And then Pinocchio has a wonderful start in life with three of the most traumatic things he could have ever seen happening in his first day. Two graves out the back. Well, one grave, I guess. I'm glue. Didn't do well in the salt mines. But the salt mines yearn for me!

As you take it to the glue factory. The glue factory doesn't want me They hate me They love me Dude your hooves are full of this shit Maybe it's the glue of your hooves That's used to put salmon together That's nice

Finally The single jaw That is nice Well We did a better job But we had a worse end I'll say that much Sure Yeah Well And on that note I've been Joe I've been Jackson And I've also been Joe We did a better job, but we had a worse end. I'll say that much. Sure.

Yeah. Well, and on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Don't give us your little wooden boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you probably knew that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let us know. Is turning your brain off by sticking a raw hot dog into it when you've got a G-spot and a blowhole in the top of your head? Is that good? Is that the best thing you can do with three wishes? I think yes. I would certainly fuck up a genie. Yeah, and also let us know if you're watching this on youtube or on tiktok uh is would you prefer to be a honky or yahoo yeah you let us know you want to look into the middle distance like this or like this hello i'm a horse man hi check. Hello, I'm a horseman.

Hi. Check out my mane. I'm a horseman. Do I have... Look at these big... I would have a thumb, I assume. A horse and a thumb? I have a horse and a thumb.

Whoa! Horse and thumb. I'm a horseman. Let's play cards. This is... I can't do it. Yeah, that's good. That is awesome.

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