Plumbing the Death Star - Could You Survive the Cars Universe As You Are Now?

Episode Date: September 3, 2023

Oh no da boys have done it again, tripped over with their pants around their ankles and fallen through the portal that goes to the Cars universe. They also did a little fart when they fell. Now they��re living in a world where the cars are alive, the animals are cars and even the planes are cars! Going through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the gang quickly stumble on the first and barely get to the second. With more questions than answers we at least know we can eat their tongues and (maybe) eyes. New sentences are formed this week as fumes from all these cars bleeds into the studio and the dumbest things possible just fall from our mouths.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys+ on our website or Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this is the podcast where we ask the important questions like, could you survive the Cars universe as you are now? So Cars is a world full of alive cars. Yes. Already a frightening prospect.

I have heard that. Beyond this, the animals of the world of Cars are cars. The planes are cars, too. The planes are also... Well, the planes are planes. The planes are planes, but they are cars in that they are cars. The planes are cars too. The planes are also... Well, the planes are planes. The planes are planes, but they are cars in that they are people.

In a world where people are cars, planes are cars. There is no meat to be found within the cars universe. There's no mammals. There's no birds. No reptiles.

No dogs. No cats. No ham. No steak. But what if there was us? So I guess the good thing is we can get around. No, but I don't think we can. What?

Because you can't go in the- You're telling me, if I got a brick- You could kill Lightning McQueen- And I bricked open a window. Ka-chow! Climbed in there. No, they're not real windows. There's nothing in Lightning McQueen.

I don't know. So there is meat. I guess there's car meat. Do they bleed? You never see a car bleed, but cars do piss oil. And they crash. What happens when they crash? What's inside Lightning McQueen? Well, if you look, there's a lot of... Oh yeah, it seems like an anatomy diagram.

Yeah, I don't want to call it fan art, but there's... Fan art? I suppose there's fan art. Lightning McQueen, he has a crash. What happened? Multiple cars crash across the franchise. They just become crashed like a car would. There's no blood.

There's no meat. But you also... There's no... Because they change tires. Yes. So that's not a part of them. They change tires. They change engine.

But to be honest, there are convertibles in the Cars universe. So you can get in them. Yeah. But you never see Lightning McQueen open his doors or mater open his windows you don't see a driver's seat because i think that would be actually in one episode of cars on the road yeah 2022 series in an episode titled salt fever yeah mater opens one of his doors so i can get in a car that's so the implications of that alone but do you see i mean obviously you don't have the episode that alone but do you see I mean obviously

you don't have the episode at hand but do you see inside Maeda or did you just open his door like an extra limb and it's just like

a bunch of meat yeah or like machine parts because what would they why do they would there be a seat inside it

I'm just trying to think so you're looking like you know so alright so in terms of like the hierarchy of things we need yes true of things we need. Yes, true.

Okay, so we need, like, the basic stuff to survive. So it's like, so first off, air. Yes. Can we breathe? So they have mouths. They have a nose. Mater opens his own door to reenter his body. Excuse me?

What the fuck is going on? Sorry, what? Can you run that sentence by me again? Has heenter his body. Excuse me? What the fuck is going on? Sorry, what? Can you run that sentence by me again? Has he left his body? Hang on. Pardon? When Mater is outfitted as a racer, he experiences record speeds and an out-of-chassis experience. Okay.

So, Mater goes to heaven? No, he just experiences an out-of-body experience. And then in trivia, Mater opens his own door to re-enter his body. This marks the first time in the franchise a car's doors have opened. So is he like an ethereal? Like, is it a ghost? I think I've actually maybe even seen a clip of this,

and he is like a ghost Mater. And I think also in that series, he does go to heaven and see car angels. But I don't know if that's just because Mater is himself like a religious guy. And that's just what he imagines death would be like. Or the last synapses firing. Well, they have a brain. Yes, they certainly are thinking with something. So that means that we can eat that.

Yeah, but are they thinking with a brain? Well, what would they be? Like a computer? Yeah, maybe they're thinking with engine. Well, there's no other meat in a car. Or a computer chip. You know what? There must be some meat in a car because a car's eyes are the ink.

They blink. So there's eyelids. Well, not necessarily. They're not eyelids, though. You could simulate that. Yeah, that's true. What's the eye made out of then? Glass?

Is there jelly in there? There's pupils. What are the pupils? Are we surviving the car's universe sucking on eye jelly? Maybe. There must pupils? What are the pupils? Are we surviving because universe suck on our jelly? Maybe. There must be breathable air though because there are plants.

Yeah, there are. There are. They're plants. Okay, cool. Because I was wondering if they're all cars and they haven't like, you know,

engines. Is this just like spewing out? No, that's true. Well, you don't see that in other movies. Are they all clean energy? No. But they fuel. They're diesel trucks and fuel. Are they all clean energy? No. But they fuel.

They're diesel trucks and fuel. So the air mustn't be awesome. How do they eat? There's diners. They get petrol at those diners. Yeah, they eat gasoline. Yeah, and their mouths are only for talking and sucking each other off because they have places to fill them up basically that's

their real mouth if we had like a whole you know yeah yeah absolutely yeah yeah that's their real mouth there are their other mouths just for talking and teeth and they piss out well so there's a scene in cars 2 where mater is on stage and a bunch of oil he realizes is like near where he was parked and he gets very embarrassed like you might have you pissed yourself but it turns out that it wasn't him it was another car that's a lemon and and he was but he thought he'd pissed himself so that must be something equivalent but whether that's pissing or not i don't know it's just leaking it'd be like if you bled somewhere and we're like oh no my wounds you know bleeding is very embarrassing oh no i'm caught yeah all right so they don't

all right because i think if they if they ate things that weren't gasoline i don't think they do then then presumably there's meat there but even converting gasoline into meat or is it gasoline just kind of what's the engine well if they use gas to petrol or whatever to move if that's the energy yeah then they must not have any meat inside them yeah they must have a car's internal combustion engine that must be what's going on in a car correct now you don't see inside mater when he opens the car door i just watched the scene from salt fever is it is he a ghost no well yes well, yeah, sort of. But no, he looks just like Mater, but smaller. Okay.

He's basically Mater's about to die. Yeah. So, for example, if we had a near-death experience and it had a body, it would be like a little me. Yeah. But not that much. Open my ear canal. I would say, except if instead they like probably like 75% your size.

That's weird. Yeah, Mater's not that much smaller. Like a little homunculus me just climbing in through my own mouth. Mater's a fucked up guy. Well, the cars do have doors. Yes. We can see that. Do they?

Here's a question. Mater's door doesn't open with any kind of like. But is that just in Mater's head? Yeah. Is this, again, a that just in Mater's head? Yeah. Is this, again, a few synapses firing off? Maybe. Because if it's not in Mater's head. But time is moving sort of.

If it's not in Mater's head, we have to assume the cars have souls. And I don't like that territory. I don't like where that's bringing us. Well, there is. There's a car pope. There is a car pope. But that previously, I think we assumed just meant cars had organized religion. Well, that means, like, cars believe in an afterlife.

But Mater has proof? Well, no, because, again, it depends. Or Mater's just like a kid with a near-death experience. It's like, I went to heaven and Jesus gave me a skateboard or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's make a movie. I wanted to star Hercules. Yeah, exactly.

So, I don't know. But we could eat. Here's a problem. We got air. Possibly breathable, debatable, because you're right. Cars have been just jetting diesel into. Because it doesn't matter to them. They don't have lungs.

CO2 to the max, baby. Ozone. P.O. Throw up. Die. How do they refine fuel? Probably. Dinosaur cars? Yeah. Yeah. Old cars. die. How do they refine fuel? Probably... Dinosaur cars?

Yeah, old cars. Because there's machinery. Because you go to a... There's tractors and whatnot. Well, the tractors are cows. Yeah, the tractors are cows, and the forklifts do a lot of the heavy lifting and the

manual labor. Yeah. They can maneuver their hands. We've had this before. They've got trees and shit. So maybe meat is the wrong approach. Maybe we just have to vegetarian diet. Yeah, tofu and whatnot.

That's fine. But that doesn't help the discussion you were going down just then, which is, is there enough trees to suck all the fuel out of the air? I didn't even think of that. My problem was that trees, right, obviously aren't animals, but they are from the same diverging route of life. But in cars, maybe not. But what I worry about is that trees aren't trees as we know them, but on a genetic level, it's a car. It's a metal tree.

Are the trees in cars cars? And therefore people? They're not people, but they might be metal. There's bees. I know that much. They are cars. But they're cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And flies and they're cars too. I know that much. They are cars. But they're cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And flies and they're cars too. So is this just a world where organic meat-based life has died? Uh-huh. Or there was like, you know, oh, something has happened.

Let's say, for example, like, hey, we need robots, artificial intelligence, little robots. We need that to help pollinate. Like that may be one good episode of Black Mirror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. So we need, okay, a bunch of bees to go in and pollinate like that, maybe one good episode of Black Mirror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. So we need, okay, a bunch of bees to go in and pollinate flowers. Because flowers are flowers.

The flowers aren't guys. Yeah, the flowers are not guys. So we've got the flowers. They're doing their beers, whatever. So we have that cross-pollinating because something has happened to the- Something's happened to regular bees. To regular bees.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe it's just like, okay, carbon-based life, well, meat-based life forms- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have died out because these newer life forms, which are AI- Yeah, okay, carbon-based life, well, meat-based life forms have died out because these newer life forms, which are AI and robot, and they've just sort of started propagating. How do you get a car?

How do you get a car from that? Unless, maybe it's, you know, like this happens in sci-fi a lot where humanity is like, we're going to send the robots out to colonize a new planet. But then we die and the robots keep doing whatever they were doing. Maybe the robots are trying to replicate like 2012 society. By making heaps of cars. But not people. Yeah, making some Italian cars, making the poem. Yeah.

What if it's like aliens? I was about to say the dumbest thing ever. What if they were aliens who can't see people? So they observe Earth, and they just see the cars. They have people blindness. We can see bees. We can see cows. They can see everything but people, and then they try and replicate it.

Hey, question. Is there two-story houses in the Cars universe? I don't remember. I don't think there's really houses in the traditional sense. Okay, sorry.

Is there two-story buildings? I think so. Yes, yes, there are. How does a car climb a... Ramps. That's an answer. Fair enough. You're laughing at me

about the people blindness. But if you were an alien species that had this defect, and then you attempted to recreate that Earth, if you saw a car just driving, and no people, and you didn't have the concept of car, you would be like, that's the guy. Would you also think the bees are the guys and the cows are the guys? Well, you can see them.

The cars seem more in charge than the bees. Cool that this many years in, I can still say the dumbest thing a human being has ever said. It's so surprising. It's great. You think I'd be done. You think that cars is set in a world where aliens observed Earth, tried to recreate Earth. They had people blindness. Tried to recreate Earth, but had people blindness.

So when they were observing Earth, they saw Earth moving as it is, but couldn't see the people controlling it and assumed the cars were the guys. And that every animal is also a guy, but a lesser guy than a car. animal is also a guy, but a lesser guy than a car. Well, if you... Yeah, I suppose they've got people blindness and then some other defect that makes them see every other animal as a car? This may be getting away from me. Yeah.

Okay. What about... Maybe. Maybe. It'd be hard to say. Yeah. So, okay, instead, how about, like, okay, imagine a post-apocalyptic universe or a world where humanity has died out. Sure. But, like, the remnants of humanity are around. So you have, like, okay, imagine a post-apocalyptic universe. Yeah. Or a world where humanity has died out. Sure. But, like, the remnants of humanity are around.

So you have, like, a lot of highways full of cars. Uh-huh. And so if you have a quick glance, you're like, oh, look at all these skeletons. Oh, yeah. Okay. And then the aliens. Imagine if they were, where we should revive them or we should try and replicate that, or maybe, oh, we missed this. Yeah, what?

Bring them back, and they bring them back like cars. Yeah. How's that any dumber than people blinders? Look, that may have got away from me too. Maybe. Well, I mean, the boring one that they often go to in theories is it's a post-apocalyptic world where the cars live. But then that means there was a second World War II.

Yeah, the cars did. Absolutely. Cars are doomed to repeat the mistakes of humanity. It's a cyclical thing because who designed car? Man. With all our foibles. Oh my god, there's a car Oppenheimer. Whoa, he dropped

the car bomb Which was maybe a guy Don't do it A car bomb that was also a guy That was also a car bomb but a bomb With tax guys Well the jeep was a guy and he was from World War 2 It's awesome that in Get Smart's movie

They're scared of the nude bomb Does it make everyone nude What's scary about that I was going to say my little dick in Get Smart movie, they're scared of the nude bomb. Does it make everyone nude? Yeah. What's scary about that? That's awesome. I was going to say my little dick. Yeah.

But they'll also see a huge nuts. That's true. That's awesome. I'm like, terrible asshole. Oh, that's just sad. Oh, it's droopy.

I didn't realize an asshole could frown. It's good to imagine you don't really know what's wrong with it. And people are disgusted. They're just like, oh, man. That's really taken a pep from my naked step.

It's taken the jam out of my donut. Well, okay. Maybe we could eat plants. Plant life. We could farm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there are farming cars. What do we think the cars would think of us?

What would happen to a car that sees a man? Because it would be kind of akin to say... Is it like us seeing a caveman? No, because it would be like if we met an alien race that we then realised was perfectly designed to drive us. Yeah, it would be like if a horse came out with a saddle. Yeah. And then we're like, huh? Like, imagine an alien race

that, like, I don't know, their legs are so perfectly designed that if you put one on your shoulders, it's like, this is what I've been missing my entire life. Oh, like a buck buck alien. Yeah! Where they just hook around you and you're like, I get it now. And then a big mouth tube that just sits on your head.

Sucks all your brain thoughts out. How would we react to that? This is kind of like the argument about like, well, a banana fits in a chimp's head. Well, a backpack alien fits on a human being's head so perfectly. Your head fits in a plastic bag it doesn't mean that you should do it yeah that's true i get yeah well it doesn't because it goes inside us yeah yeah yeah true it'd be an alien that could easily it would be like if the alien had tubes where we have holes yeah oh that sounds like an awesome alien. I love this alien.

And holes where we have tubes? Yeah. Oh, it's a alien. It's going to have an arsehole or a pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or at least some kind of awesome hole. Well, yeah, but the cars, because the cars are clearly designed for human beings because they're cars. Well, they have doors, but do they have handles?

Or at least what looks like a handle? Mater is the only car whose doors opened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you kill a car by trying to open it up to expose its guts? How do you kill a car? Crash it? Nuke? Car bomb?

It would get rid of them, but... No, it... One dies of old age in the first one. Yes, that's true. It's like, I'm an old car. Yeah, yeah, they do die of old age. They bury them? I don't know.

They just disappear off screen. Digging a hole as a car has got to be very difficult. Using anything as a car. But then there are construction cars. So you just go find a digger and they dig the hole for you. They're like the undertaker, I guess. They're petrol lads. They're lads, yeah so they like they're

like they have like petrol and they jam is it what which guys what are you talking about when you go and fill up yourself yeah is it a guy who has like a little nozzle with petrol like don't worry i'll fill you up how does that happen how do i get the connecting hose into me lightning mcqueen doesn't have door handles either okay how do you get the hose in you? How do I? Sometimes the cars use their tires like hands, but I don't think that would work. It must be a forklift.

A forklift must grab. But how then does a forklift do it? How do you open up that little flap on you? Well, you've got a button in you. Well, cars usually have a button in you. Yeah. So presumably all those screws. Yeah, so that's a muscle that's. Yeah, you open open that up i guess there's no thing you have to screw off yeah it's like this sphincter oh yeah just like kind of yeah all your mouth a control

all your mouth i guess it could be a mouth yeah it could be a mouth but needs to close so I know I get it It's great We can still say The dumbest shit ever Yeah 10 years in You can still be like The hole in the human body That opened the clothes Yeah the arsehole Do we think that in a world

Where we appeared In the Cars universe The car pope Would get involved Yeah Do we think there would be Some kind of religious Well we are

Cause that would be that Cause we were the creator right Do we though Oh yeah Cause we Are we God Right would be that, because we were the creator, right? Do we, though? Yeah. Are we God? Right? Or at least the human job of the creator? I mean, we're not, because we could, if someone said make a car, I'd say, I don't know how.

But so in the world of cars. Cars, I'd lie. Yeah, of course. Because in the world of cars, say you can't, because the Mater door opening is debatable. So say you can't open the door. Are you saying cars on the road is not canon? I'm saying cars might not have souls. And Mater might have imagined that.

Yeah. We don't know if that was in his head. Yeah. Yeah. It does. It's like, it said the scene. The thing that's happening in maybe Mater's head is he's about to die. Yeah.

Yeah. But he's not like lying down unconscious. He's about to crash. Yeah. And then he goes to heaven for a bit, and then comes back down, and then gets into his body, and then doesn't crash. So wait, his old body crashes?

Yeah. That's gutty. What the fuck? Because he's now a racing car, right? So he's no longer racing. So the racing car body explodes. So basically, his body, they've put a metal shell over him that has rocket jet things.

Okay, so they haven't taken apart bits of him. No. They've only added two of him. They've put like an Iron Man armor on him, basically, but a ship one. Are they born? Or are they made? Oh, car pussy birth. Wow. Ew. Car pussy birth. Damn. And presumably

because the cows are combine harvesters, right? The cows are tractors, and then the bull is a combine harvester. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's wild birth. Yes. How? I don't know how.

Three words. Car, pussy, birth. Yeah, but okay. Something everyone at home should Google. Car, not cow. Car pussy birth. Don't Google cow pussy birth. You don't want that. So like, car, not cow, car pussy birth. Don't Google cow pussy birth. You don't want that.

So like say you know a bulldog, right? Yeah. We fucked it up so bad they just can't give birth naturally. We got to have a cesarean because their head's too fucking big. Put your head in the dog pussy. We fucked that right up. Now a tractor giving birth to a combine harvester seems real bad. Yeah.

Even if it's little. Does that mean they grow? I don't like this. There are child cars. So in Cars 1, there's a scene where it's like a National Lampoon's reference. And that's a family of cars driving all together. And that's two kids, father, mother. Does everyone hate the main car? Yeah, he's like, oh, we're lost. And everyone's like kids, father, mother. Does everyone hate the main

car? Yeah, he's like, oh, we're lost! And everyone's like, I hate you, Dad! Are they in a formation? Yeah, they're in a formation. Additionally, in Cars 1, there are two groupie cars of Lightning McQueen who are sort of meant to be... The fuck cars? Yeah, well, they're kind of meant to be, I think,

teenagers. It's unclear. How do they signify that they're kid cars or teenage cars? They're smaller. But, point of order, they're not smaller versions of regular cars. They're like smart cars. So they're smaller cars. They're smaller cars. So then...

So I guess the cars in the National Lampoons will stay children forever? Yeah, will they stay children forever? Or is this like a thing that I think we've had before? They wake up one day. lampoons will stay children forever? Will they stay children forever or is this like a theory that I think we've had before where they're like hermit crabs and the frame is kind of like the chassis where you just go out and then go in. That's disgusting.

Or will they kind of cocoon themselves and come out as a bigger car? Yeah, metamorphosis themselves. If they're doing that, maybe we eat the cocoon in the survival situation. Yeah, drink that goo, become smart. The cocoon will probably be metal. And oil. Drink the oil, become dead.

Leave the first skeleton on guard. Yeah. That would actually be awesome to die somewhere for the first time and leave the first ever skeleton there. Yeah. Quite crashing on the moon. Oh, to be bones on the moon, dude. Bones on the moon.

I know I've mentioned this in a, to be bones on the moon, dude. Bones on the moon. I know I've mentioned this in a various amount of podcasts over the years, but the green boots guy on Mount Everest, king. Yeah, good stuff. Died in such a helpful spot. Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't. Yeah, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I got this. I'd like to be a skeleton on the moon,

but like something about the moon doesn't kill me, and I'm just like bones living on the moon. And everybody who crashes, I'm like, don't die here and I'm just like bones living on the moon. And everybody who crashes, I'm like, don't die here. You'll become like me. Don't bring me back to Earth because I'll die. We weren't gonna.

Okay, so we can breathe the air. Let's presume that the grass, the flowers and all that that's not car. Or if it is car. It's only meat-based organisms that we don't see. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So we can breathe. Yes. Food, well, we can eat that grass. Mm-hmm. We're going cow mode. It's not good. We can do it. And there are farms there, so presumably-

How much grass do you think you would feasibly need to eat? I'm talking like it's a lawn. It's not like a pile of grass. Yeah. So you've given like an endless lawn. Yeah. How much do you need to eat. I'm talking like it's a lawn it's not like a pile of grass. So you've given like an endless lawn. How much do you need to eat to be satisfied? How many

calories are in grass? No, I'm not talking about calories. I reckon just to be full. Just to be full? I think if I ate one mouthful of grass I would feel full because I would feel sick. I think. Am I starting from completely empty? You're hungry. You're so fucking hungry. Let's say it's been 24 hours since your last meal like hey 24 hours i'm going for grub no you don't have it it's like am i in cars realm you've

traveled to a realm without food but you've traveled to paddock realm okay cool you open the door you're like man i'm hungry i sure hope there's a nice juicy burger here to paddock realm. Okay, cool. You open the door, you're like, man, I'm hungry. I sure hope there's a nice juicy burger here at paddock realm. You open the door. I don't know why it's a door, but you open the door, big paddock. I knew this would happen one day traveling through alternate dimensions. I think I could probably eat, like, are we talking mouthfuls? Is that our unit of measurement here?

I was going to go with kilos. Yeah, mouthfuls, kilos is crazy because one kilo of grass. I was going to say like 250 grams. I reckon about five mouthfuls and I'll be fine. Yeah, and are you going to chew the grass or are you tearing it out of the ground? I'm chewing it like a cow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you pull it out of the ground, that's dirtier.

I don't want the dirt. I just want the nice, clean grass on top. Is it just grass or are there dandelions and bees? No, it's just grass. It's just grass and it's maybe a bit wet. Dewey? Yeah. From Malcolm in the Middle?

Yeah. What is going on with that kid? Him and BrickHack would get along like a house on fire. He'd be a bad influence on Brick Hack, I must say. Brick Hack, he's kind of like a misguided angel. Yeah. Where Dewey may be Satan. Dewey follows in Reese's footsteps a little too closely.

I think you're right. That's a really good insight. But I reckon five mouthfuls of nice dewy grass would satisfy me. That would take a while to chew. But Brick has Axel in his life and isn't let astray by Axel. Axel's much older. Axel's a teenager.

Axel is, I guess, hard to be a bad influence because he's so dumb. Who are we talking about? We're talking about the Heck family and the Middle family. The Who family? The Heck family and the Middle family. The who family? The Heck family from the TV show The Middle and the Middle family from the TV show Malcolm in the Middle. What's Malcolm's last name?

I don't know. The Middle. What is the Malcolm in the Middle family last name? I actually think it's one of those things that isn't ever revealed from memory. I am almost willing to bet you $100 that that's not the case. Okay, okay. Well, $100 is a lot. I'm not willing to bet you $100 that that's not the case. Okay, okay. $100 is a lot. I'm not going to put that money up. I had to go high enough

just in case. I could have made $100! Quickly, quickly, quickly. No, but I'm still scared. It still seems risky, dude. That's the point of gambling. Risk, fear, reward, baby. $100, though. That's nothing to sneeze gambling. Yeah, that is true. Risk, fear, reward, baby. That's true.

100 bucks, though. That's nothing to sneeze at. I know, but then being 100 bucks in the hole. I don't want to be that. 100 bucks on the mound, or whatever they say it. Will you have 100 bucks? That would be pretty good. Their last name is no last name.

Well, there you go. It isn't revealed until the last step. Well. It is revealed. So I could have made 100 bucks. It's actually, to be fair, it would be one of those things. You'd probably weasel out. Yeah. isn't revealed until the last step well it is revealed so i could have made 100 bucks it's actually to be fair it would be one of those things you'd probably do that yeah it sounded like a mutual weasel situation here okay yeah so there's a recurring joke of no last

name but in the last episode they say a last name which is no last name oh i see but then also apparently in the dvd insert for series five shows the family surname is wilkerson there you go and the description of the episode block party well that's a good little detour to welcome the middle and the middle uh okay so let's see eating grass or at least i guess fruit would be around and like would there be fruit around like if you would cause why would you cultivate i think it does come down to the fact of wheel things like fruit. Grass should probably be okay because it's laying low, but would the fruits be poisoned? I'm worried about the same thing.

It's just full of CO2. On a microscopic atomic level. You're just eating fuel. Exactly. You're eating car. A lot of micrometals. S sucking down some car gas yeah that's what happens when you eat an apple it might taste fine in the moment yeah but your body's like hey what you just gave me was basically metal and we're gonna die soon hey i hope you enjoyed that apple

it was actually car farts fuck i just try to think all right like how do they survive like like the society of like okay we got a've got to mine or get the oil, get all the crude oil, refine that, get that there. Then we have waste product, which is what they just fart out into the atmosphere. So presumably there's got to be something there that tries to at least make it where we could see there's visibility. Yeah.

There'll be some atmosphere. I think it's breathable. Might not smell the bus, but it's going to be breathable. But there's open air. And also, how many cars are there? Because if they're not reproducing... I don't... I think it's probably...

So if you take Radiator Springs as an example of a typical town. Now, Radiator Springs, obviously, by purview of the movie, isn't a typical town. Because it's been cut off by Route 66. We're focusing so much on water, on food, but is there water? There are boats! There's

the sea! I know, but it's a start. There is a start, so I guess it rains. So, also, is it an acid rain? None of them are dirty, right? The cars aren't dirty. The guess it rains. So, also, I'm... Is it an acid rain? None of them are dirty, right? The cars aren't dirty. The cars are clean.

So they get washed. Yeah. Look, I'm going to go on a limb here and say washing a car with seawater would be bad. It would rust the car, I think. You know what would be really cruel in this world where we've found ourselves in cars? What? Ice cream vans. Oh!

Because you'd go up to it and you'd be like, open up. And he would be like, what are you talking about? Open up what? But there might be ice cream, though. It might produce it. I don't know how. Give me that ice cream. Simon's going to gut a car.

It's just more metal and gas. Yeah. Or you're like, oh, ice cream. And you lick it. And you're like, well, it tastes like gasoline. Oh, this is bad. This is like licking a steak rolled in iron fillies. But why would there be ice cream in the ice cream van?

Because that's what it's designed, right? It's what it's made for. That is why it's designed. Yeah, but the roller that opens would be just like a door on Lightning McQueen. So it's not real. He'd have ice cream pictures on the outside of him. He'd be Mr. Whippy. But he'd have no food for us.

Same with a hot dog van. It'd be in the shape of a hot dog. He'd be like, you got any hot dogs? And he'd be like, what are you talking about? I don't know what that means. You are a hot dog! Kill me now! Because there's trucks that go inside And they act like A truck

Because you've got the trailer And you can go inside Yes There are trains too Which I think is Gotta be a hellish life They're just on a track Can't go anywhere

Going round and round and round For what reason? I don't know No one can Why would a car Need to catch a train? Yeah I don't know

To go places Huh? Well why does Lightning McQueen Go inside a truck To get places? Because he's a celebrity. He can't be bothered. So is the same thing with a train? Maybe.

A celebrity can't be bothered. I'm doing it for the view. In the scene. I was designed as a train and it's all I can do, so I may as well just keep going. There are also cranes, I'm pretty sure. Which I think we discussed in the previous Cars episode where we touched on this, but they don't move at all. They just stay on like a shipping fucking thing. And they're guys? They're guys. Oh, all. No. They just stay on like a shipping fucking thing.

And they're guys? They're guys. Oh no. You'd have to hope you're picking up something awesome. Because there's like shipping containers it's like an oil rig right?

Yeah. You go to at one point and there's a spy car which means espionage which means there's politics. There is espionage. There is politics. Bruce Campbell dies

in cars too. Yeah he gets killed in a bathroom. So he does die how? He gets the shit beat out of him. He gets beaten to death from memory. Yeah.

What do we see? You don't see much. It happens kind of off screen. Or do they do like the James Bond death where he gets shot with that laser from gold? I think it's way more brutal where it's like a full on, he gets a shit beat out of him in a toilet. And Mater's like, wow, I wish I wasn't a spy. Yeah.

Or I wish I was a spy. Who can remember what Mater wants, dude? I'll try and wish I wasn't a spy. Yeah. Or I wish I was a spy. Who can remember what Mater wants, dude? I'll try and find the death scene real quick. This is going to be tricky because I have to... In the space of however long of this episode. But I believe in myself. Me too. All right.

Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So there'd be water. There'd be rain. Yeah. I'm sure it rains.

I'm sure it must at some point. Though I cannot recall a moment where it does, but that might just be because we don't go to any rainy locations. Could be summer. Could be summer. Could be summer across the cars universe. If it rains, presumably it's not acid rain because that would also affect the cars. So we got drinking water in some capacity.

Do we see oil come out of them? Yes. Do we see fuel come out of them? And when they get filled up with fuel, is it what we think of as gasoline or petrol? Yes. Do we do see gasoline and petrol? Yes, because the car voiced by Cheech Marin runs a dyno,

which provides petrol. Voiced by Cheech Marin. Hell yeah. Runs a diner which provides petrol. Additionally, the hippie van talks about a sort of organic petrol. Yeah, but do we see the petrol? I think we do. Okay.

So it's not like, you know, they call it petrol, but it's a steak. You're just shoving into a hole. They don't have meat. They don't eat meat. Like sludge meat. Thank God. But they don't, yeah, they don't eat meat. No, that'd be good if they did. No, but then they might eat us.

Yeah, but then we could eat them. No, that'd be good if they did. No, but then they might eat us. Yeah, but then we could eat them. Fair point. So, okay, if we somehow hopped through a portal and got into the car universe, great that we can breathe. Yes, water, I'm guessing it would rain. Yeah. Or I'd be like sucking a hose from a car wash. I'm so thirsty and crashed.

That's true, actually. Good point. They're washing each other, so we can drink that water. How long do you think it would take before you try and kill a car? 25 minutes. Yeah, I was going to say about 25 minutes. Do you think the three of us working together could kill a car? Yes.

How do you kill a car? You trick it into driving into something. Yeah, or rock. I'm currently watching Maida and Bruce Campbell. Having a time? Fight. Mater... Bruce Campbell's car does get the shit beaten out of him

in a bathroom while Mater's taking a scary shit. So, car's shit? Yeah. Well, he's taking a... He's using... Because it's set in Japan, so they're being like, this toilet's so high-tech,

and Mater's like... Okay. So, he is shitting. That's interesting. Okay, and they also have high-tech toilets. Somebody's doing the tiny... There's a lot of complicated machinery

that goes into one of those high-tech toilets. Someone's figuring it out. I guess the bees are cars, but they're just bees. They're not alive. They're not people. Could you get a matchbox car? Maybe. And have like this.

What about a remote control car, maybe? Or a drone that you're controlling. Or drones, people? I'm trying to remember. Or drones, drones. Yeah, but. Whoa. Bruce Campbell gets executed on live TV.

Whoa. Cars 2 is fucked up. Yeah. They fill him with Al-Anon. There's a poison in that one that they put inside you. So we can poison the cars. Well, I think the way it works

is that it goes inside you and then they hit you with a high intensity beam of heat and then you explode or something. Now this is a ploy in Cars 2, if you've heard of the plot of Cars 2, by a bunch of cars that are lemons i.e they were designed poorly they are bad cars and they are mad because the world is not a handicap accessible for them it's a it's very crazy that these are the villains of cars 2 they're like you were born fucked up fuck you

but that means they weren't born they were Yeah. One of them is one of those cars that has three wheels that if it turns too fast, it flips over. Yeah. I'd be pissed off, too. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh. So some cars- But are they designed?

Are they born? I guess you can't change the design? One of the cars in Cars 2 has eyes where its headlights are instead of where its eyes are. So they're manufactured, then. By who? I don't know. Cars 2 seems deeply, deeply, deeply curious. It is a weird movie.

And then in Cars 3, it's established that bootlegging and moonshine exist. As well as possibly Cars racism. Cars 3 has this very weird moment. I might be misremembering, but it's about Lightning McQueen who's become too old to race. And there's this new racer who's a lady car. And she's not really a racer but Lightning McQueen's like, you know what, I gotta put myself

behind because you've got talent. And he meets a bunch of other cars, right? And one of the cars, it's just a car, but it clearly has a black voice actor. And he says there was a period of time where even people like me couldn't race. But he clearly is a black voice actor. And he says there was a period of time where even people like me couldn't race. But he's just a car. And is there...

Okay. So I don't know what the fuck the implications of that are. And then, yeah, there's moonshine in it. So there was segregation in the car universe. Cars 3 is the most... These aren't really cars. They're people of the cars movies. Yeah. Cars 3, yeah, so there's a scene where they're like, we gotta teach you how to race good,

and they do that by going where they used to moonshine back in the day. So Prohibition also happened in Cars 3. Yeah, that's awesome. So that means that nowadays they're getting drunk as shit. They are cursed to repeat the sins of the human beings. Pause! And also, Lightning McQueen is no longer fast enough and there are new, faster race cars. What does that mean?

What does a drunk car look like? They can't not drink drive. Yeah. Sorry, dude, I'm hammered. I have to stand still. If so, okay, so Prohibition existed. Yes.

Which means that there was a moral crusade against drinking. That means there was a car who was because, and this is what I love about Prohibition, it was started by a guy that got hit in that leg by a rake from a drunk guy was wielding when he was a kid. And then he was like, when I grow up, I'm going to make sure nobody ever fucking drinks. So that guy, that kid. Any lips that touch alcohol shall not touch mine. So a child car gets hit with a rake by a drunk adult car. Then he preys on the conservative current climate of the 1920s to enact prohibition.

Was there an Al Capone car? Was there a Nucky? I reckon there was an Al Capone car. Yeah. Did his brain also become a mush because of syphilis? Did he also have a pussy penis? I guess that's... Fingers crossed.

That's not a car fucking... I guess there's also car tax evasion. That's if they caught Carl Al Capone. And then Carl Al Capone's girlfriend saying he's at the movies. Was that Al Capone? I don't remember. Someone gets arrested at the movies. Do you mean just ever or?

It has happened multiple times that people have been arrested at the movies. Yes. No, but I mean one of the famous ones. Oh, yeah. Or am I thinking of the movie Gangster Squad? I don't know. Are there car guns? Yeah, there's car guns because there's spy cars.

Yes, true. There are car guns. Some of the cars are like James Bond cars. Was there a car mob? Yeah, there must have been. If there's car guns, that means... Car Capone, there's a car mob. There's cars breaking each other's wheels.

Yeah, well, that's what happens to Bruce Campbell's car in Cars 2. He gets beat up by cars just ramming into him. If there are car guns, that means you can shoot a car to death. Yeah. Okay, that's good to know. Shoot a car in the windscreen. That's where its eyes live. Blind the car?

Does it shatter? Cars have tongues. They do. Cars have human tongues. Do they? You can eat that. Yeah, you can eat that. You can eat the tongue. Who has a- They all have tongues. They Cars have tongues. They do. Cars have human tongues. Do they? You can eat that. Yeah, you can eat that. You can eat the tongue.

Who has a... They all have tongues. They all have tongues. And they've got teeth. They've got teeth too. You can eat those teeth. It'll be hard chewing. Big piano.

You can eat the gums. Yeah. You can eat a car mouth. That's the only organic part of a car. Well, no. Where'd the mouth go? Yeah, where'd the mouth go? What'd that mouth do?

Lightning, what'd that mouth do? Lightning, what da mouth do? So the best way to kill a car would be to get swallowed by it and then fight your way out? No, just kill it. Well, first off, I think, so you could set a trap. Hey, you like being small as Vor also good for you? I wish. Vor's upsetting, dude. What do you mean?

Getting eaten alive by a big lady? Or maybe in this situation, Lightning McQueen? That's not doing anything for you? Not quite. The needle's not moving. I'm glad. So we could get like a spike trap, right? Yeah.

But the guts could be the ultimate little guy adventure. No, I will be digested and destroyed by stomach acid. It will be a hell unlike any ever experience Lay down a spike trap. Oh, it will rocks then then them like a mobile right they can't move here's a question Wait a second. Yes. What are the tires made of well? They can be replaced? Yes, but the tires also move like they have muscles in them. They don't move like a tire They so they're a prosthetic that is a high-tech prosthetic. I don't know Like a tire.

So they're a prosthetic that is a high-tech prosthetic? I don't know. Because there's no wheel. Because you eat the tires? Well, there's no wheel in nature. So there's no. There's one. Oh, no. That's something else.

There's like a bug that has a cog in it organically. Cool. Yeah, it's sick as hell. But you're right. No wheels in nature. So, well, when the cars. So let's say they're born. They're born without wheels because that's replaced.

Yeah, true. So, what? We've got to figure out how does the first car make wheel. If a car is born and conceived the same way people are, then we're eating a lot of tongues and dicks. We could eat some flaps. That's true. Tongues, dicks, and labia is what we are surviving on.

This has become a real, you know, I said they're getting swallowed alive. It's dig. Tongues, dicks and labia is what we are surviving on. This has become a real... You know, I sit there getting swallowed alive just digesting my stomach acid. It was a hell unlike any other experience. When I'm sucking down on a nut, a car nut, and I take a bite into it like an apple, I'm like, I wish we never fell in the car dimension. We call those for protein.

Yeah, we call them road oysters. Tastes like leather. That's what I imagine it would taste like. Like a leather car oysters. Tastes like leather. That's what I imagine it would taste like. Like a leather car seat. It tastes like rubber. Oh, rubber, yeah. Horrible.

I don't like it. What I keep wondering, so say we don't immediately eviscerate a car and eat its nuts. Cars would have to exclusively fuck doggy style. Yes, that's true. No, you could roll over. The car would crack. Yeah, the back Why Cause if you roll the car

What's it made of Car Is it Is it Is the car made of car Yeah In the movie Cars It is suggested

That the car is made of car Yes That's true Only the tires And the mouth And the eyes Move organically Yeah the rest of the stuff

Everything else moves Like a real vehicle And also you gotta remember I just watched a scene Of a car getting rammed Into by two other cars. So they crumple, like there's crumple zones. But they could put down like a big pillow that the car could then roll onto its back.

And then maybe they're gentle lovers. Pound it out that way. Honestly, probably the better way to do it would be like fish, where a car jets out a bunch of eggs, and then Lightning McQueen drives over the top of them and jizzes and then drives off. If I was designing car conception, that's how I'd do it. It's sad that there's a lot of animals that reproduce without any pleasure. Yeah, I know. It seems like a bummer, dude.

What's the point? What is the point? And it's gross, too, pretty often. And then often as well, I watched a documentary the other day about salmon. That doesn't shock me. Oh, yeah, yeah. They get to the end. Why watch a movie?

They have one big cum and then they die. Yeah. And then it's just like a bunch of rotten salmon in the breeding't shock me. They get to the end, they have one big cum and then they die. And then it's just like a bunch of rotten salmon in this breeding grounds or whatever. Then the baby salmon are born. Oh, dude, best thing in this documentary. It wasn't just about salmon, it was Planet Earth 2. Fuck. So there's these penguins in New Zealand. I love these guys.

They're jungle penguins. They live largely inland. And that's where they lay their eggs. So you've got the dad or whatever. He's looking after the baby penguin. Mama penguin comes by, feeds the baby penguin, feeds the baby penguin. Then she's like, I got to get more food. Now, just on the edge of this island, there is plenty of food.

But for millions of years, for no reason, this is what they said in the documentary, the penguins travel like thousands of kilometers to Antarctica because that's like their feeding ground. Get a bunch of food there and then travel thousands of kilometers back. Well, they could have just left for a thousand kilometers rather than going right. Attenborough's like, they've tried to take one of the longest journeys of any flightless bird. And they might not have to. We don't know why the smooth-brained moron and so much of the documentary was like that because it's all about migrations and so often it's like

these fucking idiots like these these elephants in 2020 were like we there's a drought we gotta go and so they just started walking and they walked all the way to this chinese city and they were like hello and everyone was like what are you doing here? They stole a bunch of crops. They knocked over a bunch of wells for water. And then everybody just slowly turned them around and sent them back to their forest. Go away. Go away.

The elephants were like, we're going, what are we doing? Oh, we got to go back. Okay. That documentary tried to be like, animals are amazing.

But so often it was like, these fucking morons. Anyway. So, I don't know why we were talking about this. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right. Yeah. I've become lost. Well, cars.

Eggs. That's right. Jizzing onto eggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was my question. I'm back. So, in a world where we don't immediately kill a car and eat it. Yeah.

And we present ourselves to the cars. We say, hey, cars. We come from. I'll do it then. Hey, lo, it is I. I call myself a human being. In my world, we drive you. Not a good opener.

Not a good opener. Might not mean anything to them. Yeah. Can you. Well, if they know what a race is, they would know what driving is. Yeah, but would they have the concept of someone driving something else? Do they have a concept of walking or is it all driving? It's all driving.

It's all driving. Yeah. There would be situations where a car's operating a bigger thing, surely. Like what? Is a drone a drone or is a drone a guy? Because you go in a plane. Yeah. And a plane in a plane. Yeah. And a plane's a guy.

Yeah. So I guess I would be like, it's as though I'm in a plane. Like, imagine. Are you doing this speech to every car you see? Or have you got everyone to gather in the town square for some reason? Why are you trying to find the most important car? What is your point here? What are you trying to do?

What I want to know is, do we think that the car scientists would try and look after us? Because we're such anomalies. Or, alternatively, is the car government going to take us to car area 51? I think we're going to take the car to area 51 getting dissected. One might be kept alive to be studied. I was going to say, there's three of us. One of us is dying, and they're expecting the other two to make. Come on. It won't do and they're expecting the other two to make Give me an apple are you pregnant yet? No?

Not how that works. I don't have a wound. Sorry, dude. He's put so much cum in you Sorry, dude. He's put so much cum in you. I know. I am aware, and it's great. It's awesome. You know, this is not what I thought it would be like when we landed in the Cars universe. To be honest. I didn't think I'd be getting my back blown out by my very good friends.

Friends? I didn't kill any of them. Sorry, you keep doing your things. Interesting. Oh, they do it. Others are not just doggy style. Yeah, okay. They wouldn't have doggy style.

What would they call that? Car style? Well, they might have car dog style. Car dog style. They're doing it car dog style. In our world, we just call this doggy. Quiet, you! Okay, fair enough.

Interesting. Writing notes. Yeah, that's true. How do they take notes? Maybe they put the pen in their mouth? Are there car scientists? Yeah. Someone's designing those toilets.

That's true. There's a car government. There's like, because there's like car, like high tech guys in Cars 2 in particular. So that's basically science. There's car engineers. Yeah. I think they might figure out a way To look after us

At least one of us And when they dissect me What are they going to find I don't know what any of this shit is But it all looks rotten Is that just me specifically This looks completely different To the other two

Can we communicate with them They are speaking They are speaking. They are speaking a language, but to us, is that just honks and beeps? They've got a mouth with a tongue, so it wouldn't be honks and beeps. They've got a larynx. They're also speaking specifically English or Japanese

or whatever it is. Do we see stuff written down? Yes. The signage. Do they do write They do write They print There's no handwriting But there's like toilet signage

So What the fuck's going on there? And there's so many layers to cars Also There are boy cars and girl cars But No obvious Like Differences No the lashes The lashes That's right And boy cars and girl cars. But no obvious differences.

No, the lashes. The lashes, that's right. And Porsche has a fucking, she's got a tramp stamp. That's awesome. It's like in Transformers. Because they are robots and no genders. I think in one of the comics

two of the Transformers sort of start dating because they're like, oh, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then we do have like Arcee, which we're like, a girl. Well, maybe she's the hot one. Yeah, yeah. But in terms of Transformer society, there is no gender. Well, maybe there's no gender really in the Cars universe either.

But there is because I like this. They also refer to Cars as like boys and girls, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there is somewhat of a gendered. Yes. An unnecess a gendered. Yes. An unnecessarily gendered. And also there is an unnecessarily gendered. Again, because like, well, you're a, it's Cars 3 where it's like, you're a girl car.

Oh, that's true. You can't race as good as me, a boy car. Yeah. Nice how systemic sexism also existed. Yeah. That's nice, I guess. Really repeating them same mistakes. Yeah.

They're cursed to repeat the sins of human sins. Do horses exist? No, horses would be cars. Okay, so they don't. Car power. This car's running on 20 car power. That doesn't make sense. Yeah.

Spot on. Well, because there's tractors, which are cows. Is there one which are horses? And if so, was there cowboy times? And was there a car riding a car? Whoa. I don't think there's car horses. Yeah.

I've never seen a car horse. Okay. There are car planes. By which I mean planes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because car tractors, which I mean tractors, because they're bigger than a car, right? No. They are the size of a tractor.

Yeah, but a tractor is bigger than a car. Yeah. Or is that just the wheel? I think it's just the wheel. Yeah, otherwise they're basically the same size as a car, which is like if we were the same size as a cow or if they were the same size as us, which is, again, strange.

Cows are awesome. Cows are cool, dude. Yeah, they're great. Yeah. There's, like, this is the problem with the Cars universe. There's so many questions and no answers, but could we survive it? Yeah.

No. No, I don't think so., but could we survive it? Yeah. No. No, I don't think so. Yeah, if we don't get run over initially, we don't get like, because we could spook them and then they could just hunt us down. Yes, that's true. Steps though. There are no steps. Their entire society is built for them and not for us. But like, if there was, you know, it depends

where we land, because if we're landing in a city, yeah, ramps everywhere. If we land in the wilderness where there's a rocky cliff face, we could survive. A little bit more. We could certainly not get run over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dig a hole in the side of the cliff face somehow. So you have to climb down the cliff face to get into our hole. Oh, yeah, that's true.

That's smart. Hard to do. A pond? Yeah. Come on, car, get in the pond. They just bring a truck with a boat guy in it. Yeah. Yeah, it takes a while.

That's true. Well, they suck the water out with a vacuum car. Yeah. Yeah. Are we more nimble than a car? Here's what I'd do. Yeah. I'd get in a plane.

But a plane's a guy. Yeah, but it's hollow. Yeah. And then what? But a car could get in the plane and then run you over in the car. Then the plane just lands and then you get kicked out and run over by a car. Damn it, it's true. You're right. I thought I'd figured

it out. I thought I'd figured it out. Yeah, if they don't kill us straight away because they're curious. Yeah, yeah. The poison in the air probably gets us next. It might take a while. We might get cancer. We're getting a while. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think if we start becoming a menace to car society by braining cars and trying to eat a while. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think if we start becoming a menace

to car society by bringing cars and trying to eat their tongues. Yeah. We might be hunted. We could survive for a bit. Is it worth it? No.

No. I don't think so. Don't do it. Yeah, if you have a choice between going to the car's universe and staying home, here at Plumbing the Death Star we say stay home.

Stay home. Don't worry about it. Just lie in the middle of a road and become a human speed bump. Yeah, pray. Pray that a car comes quick and aims true. Yeah! You land there, you see a car with a mouth,

you say, this isn't for me. No, thank you. Have a great time. I'm off to heaven, where at least there will be nice things awaiting me. Except maybe you go to car's heaven because you're in car's realm. Oh, no. Yeah, I think initially it'd be, oh, sweet, a car. I'd try to open it. It would scream.

I would scream. I'd grab a rock. I'd try and hit it. I don't know what would happen then. Run over. Run over. It's sucked in. Swallowed in the car's stomach.

Digested by a car. Vore? Vore. Vore's back. How's that needle? Ding it? Nah. No, not registering.

That's sad. Well, yeah. Stay out of cars. And Ding it? Nah. No, not registering. That's sad. Well, yeah. Stay out of cars. And stay out of cars. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel.

And this has been another episode of Plumbing the Death Star and this is a new outro I'm trying. I don't like it, so I'm not doing it again. See you next week. Ha ha ha.