Plumbing the Death Star - Do You Even Receive a Good Education at Xaviers School for Gifted Youngsters?

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

Oh no, in a weird twist of fate Johnny Allspikes is shooting spikes from all over his body and that young boy has turned into a ham dinner! Best send them off to that school that deals with this kind of thing. Sure Charles Xavier (who we’re pretty sure is a professor) might be able to help them with their mutant powers or whatever, but can he give them a good education? We delve into past teachers at the academy, offer alternative teaching methods and really focus in on the Mathlympics. All we know is that come graduation day we’re going to be sweating bullets (metaphorically and for some of us maybe literally) as we look off into the horizon in anticipation of some kind of sentinel, friend of humanity, bad mutant or us from the future to come over and ruin our day. Hopefully nothing will appear and we’ll just get to kiss Xavier on top of his bald head and never have to join the X-Men.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. so i guess this we gotta like because man xavier's gone through i love you started that

and immediately like i guess oh my fucking god well he's got it okay so we've got the first iteration which was like oh yeah you got the five we gotta which was like, oh, yeah, you've got the five students there. We've got to get in early here. Look, I'm sorry to interrupt. So obviously just laying this out, comics. Bullshit. Fuck. Oh, I know. There's too much going on.

Yes. It frightens me. I'm scared. I'm pissing my pants. Yeah, also shout out to everyone in the room with me for not addressing the fact that I just did a Chandler Bing impression, I guess is the question. Could there be any more education or whatever? Anyway, please continue with your... I didn't notice that.

I didn't notice it either. You addressed it. Did he say that? I said even in the intro question, and I was like, why'd I throw that in there? Fuck friends. I don't know, dude. This is a pretty chaotic beginning to this episode.

Well, that's fucking comics, dude. Yeah, that is true. fuck friends I don't know dude this is a pretty chaotic beginning to this episode anyway well that's fucking comics dude yeah that is true so before I know I understand everyone's like so I'm like

look there's a lot of times when there was like a lot of bullshit happening with Xavier's like school he's getting blown up they went to Kokoa they've now got an island

they don't have an island I feel like I'm standing on a cliff face watching a tsunami come towards me anyway and now like in... Did I say too much knowledge of comics?

Yeah. Is that written on the... And like when Springfield was worried about a comet falling onto said Springfield. And it just turned into just a pebble the size of a chihuahua's head. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to be like, don't worry about any of that bullshit. Oh, I think that's what the tsunami left. It turned around.

It's fine. And we'll go with when it was open, like the school was open up to a lot of different mutants, and so there was a lot of, like, a cohort, and basically you had a lot of former X-Men teaching a lot of bullshit. There you go. That's great. That's the perfect

foundation. We should have let you cook. That's on us. I've got one question. This is common though. I'm just so happy that tsunami turned around. It's made me calm. That's fair. I do have one question.

Yes. Why? Dude, you're calling the tsunami back. What are you, an idiot? Oh, tsunami. Oh, tsunami. Here's a man standing on a cliff. What are you an idiot? Oh tsunami Oh tsunami Here's a man standing on a cliff What about the first iteration?

The first Because the people that become the teachers Are students at first Who taught them? Well Xavier did Okay I'm glad that that was the end You thought it was a little wave

Crashing over your knees Oh that wasn't so bad What Xavier did Except for the time Where he wasn't Xavier It was actually the Changeling Who was impersonating Xavier And he faked his own death

Did he teach them That all happened With the original Like the first five Yeah What did they learn from Changeling What did he teach them I don't know Because I'm guessing It was like that period of time Because like Again I haven't read All the original, like the first five? Yeah. What did they learn from Changeling? What did he teach them? I don't know, because I'm guessing

it was like that period of time. Again, I haven't read all the original. Yeah, okay, fair enough. Let's keep it that way just for the sake of us. I've only caught glimpses and I'm like, wow, what the hell's going on? So first of all, if you had the X-Men

or just mutants in general, would you be trying to give them an education i mean yes yeah but like yes like a special education uh yes i guess yes the one i guess elephant in the room yes the second tsunami that's waiting to crash us which is logic yeah we need to i guess address the fact that the school is a front. Yeah. So, like, I mean, but it's like a weird front. It's like if you're...

It's like if at the end of high school they gave you a gun. It's like... Well, you also had a gun. Well, it's kind of... You had a gun the whole time through high school, and they teach you how to shoot the gun, and then at the end of high school they send you to war? Yeah, which is very different like

this is like so that's a very very foreign concept to an australian yeah that's true good point this one will be way more relatable it's like when the mob buy a dry clean at a money launder they still gotta run the dry cleaning i i would say at this point with xavier that's pretty funny that is funny it is more it's more of a school. It's not a front. It just becomes a bit more of a front because they have to. So does Xavier at a certain point... Why am I calling this a front?

But Xavier at a certain point, he's like, I'm just going to give them an education. It seems to be that way. What's he trained in? He's a professor. Of what? He's a professor of genetics, right?

Is he? Or mutantdom. Is this going to be like when we found out Dr. Doom's not really a doctor? Yeah, or like when I was in high school and I found out a teacher whose name was Doctor was a doctor of medieval poetry. That's awesome.

He taught IT. That's what Xavier is. I really enjoy medieval poetry. It really captures the human condition. Anyway, you're a mutant man, I. You can turn into a wolf. Well, that's fantastic. Here's Beowulf, or whatever.

He wants to fuck... What was that? He wants to fuck his own mum! Is that what happens in Beowulf? Well, I think she wants to fuck her own son. Are you thinking of Oedipus? I'm also not pronouncing Beowulf right. It's Beowulf.

Are you getting confused Because the film Where everyone has The glassiest of eyes Yeah Are you thinking about How you want to fuck Angelina Jolie in

Because Kristen Glover Is playing the Grendel Yeah Grendel Yeah that's I don't know That's the son of Now who was

Angelina Jolie playing Is this called Dragon I Dangan Dangan I'm going to interrupt I'll let you know the son of, now, who was Angelina Jolie playing? Is this called Dragon? Dangan? Dangan? I'm going to interrupt. I'll let you know I cannot remember fuck about Beowulf. That is one of those movies that's pretty fake, really,

like in the grand scheme of things. And I just thought, who knows, maybe I was thinking of like fucking Achilles. He want to fuck his own mom or something? No. Achilles wants to fuck Patroclus and maybe a lot of the Greek army. There's only one person who famously wants to fuck their own mom. Oedipus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that other cunt from history, the real guy. Come on. The man, the slip, the Freudian. Freud. Did he? I don't know if he wanted to fuck his own mom. Yeah. He thought we all collectively wanted to fuck our own mothers. No one is saying, hey, all of humanity

wants to fuck their own mom. Except me. Oh, actually, that's an awesome thing. In fact, I'm going to say that right now. Everyone wants to fuck their own mom except me. You're all freaks. I'm normal. Freud, when you say everyone,

does that include yourself? No. No, I would never. That's disgusting. That's for you incest freaks. I want to fuck my wife. Nice, Freud. It is awesome. Okay, yeah, that's good.

So the Freud voice I just did there. It's closer to Xavier. That's where I was aiming before. Xavier's cockney, which I like. Which is the accent of, I guess, the actor who was Beowulf. Yeah, it all comes around in the end. It's sort of poetry. We got there in the end.

Welcome to the academy. Let us know in the comments Is this episode good? So Xavier is a professor Of genetics I remember that from X-Men First Class So I guess he is teaching genetics He discovers the X-Gene I think in some versions

And in the school system typically You don't just teach the subject that you're trained in You teach all the subjects You teach math and English or whatever. Okay, so the question now is, what age are the students coming to Xavier's? Well, I think there's some X-Men that can go into regular high school and there's some X-Men that can't.

Is it a high school education? Well, isn't it a blanket approach? And obviously, this can happen at different times, but it's usually just after the start of puberty because that's when the hours pop up unless you're one

of the fucked up X-Men where you're a bomb or something and that happens to a ball you give birth to a bomb and you're like I hope I've given birth

to an X-Man and not something extra well if you look over there that tsunami that's coming oh no why do we keep doing this so there is a thing called like

I think that I don't want to say changelings, but there was an other thing where it was like multiple Wolverines. Is that what Wolverine was? No, Wolverine is something else entirely. That's, I think, to do with the Lupine and the two different. Scape from the guy.

Lupine? Yeah, so it's like Sabretooth and Wolverine are from two different tribes or something like that and Lupine I think is his name which is kind of like this big Wolverine but he's got like a claw coming out of his wrist and then maybe two or three or whatever as well

and he was sort of behind the Weapon X program maybe Batman was inspired by himself from back in time Comics are great Batman was inspired by himself from back in time. Comics are great. Richard Parker made Peter Parker Spider-Man sometimes. He's like, I made this so that it would only work on my DNA.

Like in the Ultima. My son. Is that what happened in the Ultima, Spider-Man? Yeah. It also was meant to happen in Amazing Spider-Man 2, but they rightfully cut that scene.

Did you know I found out that recently in the comics that Tony Stark's adopted? Whoa! I don't know why that is a big plot

point or who cares, but there's a thing where it's like, they're not my real dad. That's really funny because if he had a power at all,

you'd be like, oh, who's his parent? I guess his money was also still inherited. The only reason that's a big deal, because his parents being killed by someone is usually a motivation for him to kill them.

But they're still his parents. Depends. I don't recognize adoption. I mean, I guess. They're just two guys he knows. That's how your parents become guys you know. See, we're all mom and dad. Sorry.

Sorry. David and Marie. Two guys I know. David and Marie. They're childhood friends. I grew up with them, but I don't know them really well anymore. We drifted. So, okay.

Well, let's assume high school age. Yeah. Because that's what you see, I think, in the movies by and large. Well, let's assume high school age. Yeah. Because that's what you see, I think, in the movies by and large. And, you know. With your blanket saying cubity, I guess, like, it's usually around 12 to 14, 15.

Obviously, there is outliers. Yeah. So it's usually, like, with the Australian high school, like, education system, it's usually we start around about, like, 13, 14? Or 12 to 13? 12, I think. I was 12 in year seven. Yeah, I was, thank God. I was was my birthday's in the end of the year. Mine too. My birthday's at the start of the year, so I was 13.

There you go. Well, not quite, but I turned 13 very early in my first year of high school. Interesting. Yeah, that's a good little fact. A lot of douchey trivia. Yeah, yeah. My parents discussed whether or not to send me to school a year earlier, and they're like, no, no, no, let him cook. Nice.

Yeah, so I guess we're going from, yeah, 13 all the way up to 18. And they graduate. Now, when you graduate, does that mean you joined the X-Men army? Or can you just get a job as, like, a carpenter? Like Christ. You can get a job as a carpenter.

Like Christ. Dude, if I was a carpenter, that's all I'd talk about. Hey, dude, we have the same job as Jesus Christ. Do you ever think about that? And they'd say, shut up. Just keep making the table. How about that nail, cunt? On the weekend, I built some shelves.

Not very good. Just like Jesus Christ? Now that I think about it, just like Jesus Christ. Dude, imagine you're back in biblical times, and Jesus is like, he's doing the whole Jesus Christ. Now that I think about it, just like Jesus Christ. Dude, imagine like you're back in biblical times and Jesus is like, he's doing the whole Jesus thing. He's crucified. And you're like,

I have a shelf, that guy. That guy built my shelf. Do you hear Jesus has been crucified? The guy that built my shelf. What? I needed a second shelf. So hang on a second. I'm upset.

I don't care about the fact that he's maybe the son of God. I'm just upset because I was really... He owes me a second shelf! Obviously, guy, you nailed up there pretty good, so you can't fix it, but can you tell me what to do? Legs wobbly. Okay, I made not a great shelf. It's like,

whatever. But I used a mitre saw, so it's straight edges and everything. That was a nice cut, right? But is that actually a better shelf than what Jesus made? Yeah, Jesus would have made nicer shelves. Because technically it's straight lines. Yeah, you're better than Jesus like the Beatles said they were.

Hello, we're the Beatles. We're better than Jesus. That is what they said. Any more questions? In what way? Every way, love. In carpentry? Oh, yeah. Did you also build a chinchelle?

Hello, it's me, George. Are you drunk? Yes. Okay, fair enough. Are you drunk better than Jesus? Oh, yeah. All right, fair enough. That makes a level of sense.

Fair enough, George. My guitar's gently weeping Do you think if Jesus could play A guitar You would play it better than him then Next question Are you saying You're in some way the sons of God again No, we're better

What does that mean What could you mean by that, George? A son is alright. But we're better than a son. Yeah, like better than your son? Like an uncle's better than a son.

There's just some family that's better. In what way? More power? More power More power An uncle does have more power than a son He is actually right on that one I have to agree In what regard?

In like a one-on-one fight In any test of will What do you mean? Depending how old You can be an uncle You can be any age, right? Uncles are more famous Like famously What are you any age, right? Okay. Uncles are more famous. Like, famously.

I don't know what he's saying now. What? Name one famous uncle. Who are famous because they're an uncle. Uncle Vernon. Uncle Fester, I guess. He's a pretty famous uncle. He is a famous uncle.

Uncle Buck. There's actually quite a few famous uncles. No one's famous. Uncle Cracker. No one's famous. Uncle uncle. Uncle Buck. There's actually quite a few famous uncles. No one's famous. Uncle Cracker? What? No one's famous. Uncle Ben? Uncle Ben?

Yeah. Name a son. Yeah, see, sons, they are sons, but they're not famous for being a son. You don't call him Son Spider-Man. I don't think you call anyone sons. Yeah, exactly. But you call plenty of people uncles. That's just a title.

Anyway, we're going on retirement from touring now. Have a good one. It's so crazy you solved me on that. It just makes sense. I didn't think I'd be solved, but in the end I was with you. I was there with you. Hello, it's me, John.

Forget everything he said, he's drunk. He's runk? Drunk. Oh, I. He's runk? Drunk. Oh, I see. Are you nowhere? So, what education are you giving the X-Men? Yeah. Is it a regular education they get, and then they get, like, mutant class?

Is this after they graduate? No, during high school. So, during high school. During Johnny X-Man's school for mutants. Okay, okay, okay. Well, it seems that you have, it's similar to like, I guess, Harry Potter, right? Okay. It's similar to Hogwarts where it's like you need, I guess, classes that are more tailored towards, you know, your own mutant abilities.

Oh, right, yeah. And then you also need things that are, I guess, covered by a curriculum, like a government curriculum. And then you also need things that are, I guess, covered by a curriculum, like a government curriculum. Well, from what we see in X-Men media across the board, it does definitely do a better job than Harry Potter. Harry Potter's just the freak classes, and everyone that graduates from that school would be dumb as shit because they have no basic literacy skills. Absolutely.

They're innumerate and illiterate coming out the other end. They're like, oh, what the fuck is algebra, mate? What's seven? That's every wizard. We got him, let me know, sir. What's seven? All right, it's me and one. A lot of deaf eaters, I think.

One. I'm sure this spa book would be handy, mate, if I could fucking read. So what did they teach you in primary school? Not how to read. Bad student. Jack shit. I'll tell you that much. I'll give you that for free, mate.

Do they have a primary school level of reading? Yeah, every wizard would have a primary school education. They also start Hogwarts earlier than you start high school. Yeah, that's true. So they would have a less than primary school education. They know how to make a diorama. So they would know how... Okay, okay, okay.

Harry Potter students would have less literacy skills than would be required to read Harry Potter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they have no idea the difference between, say, an opinion piece and a Harry Potter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they have no idea the difference between, say, an opinion piece and a news article. Yeah, that's true. That's a great point. They're all media illiterate too. Oh, is that why Fucko with the pen?

Rita Skeeter. Rita Skeeter. Why everyone is convinced because they're just like, well, if it's the written word. I have no, yeah, I can't tell the difference between what's obviously a smear piece and what's, yeah. Because if I'm reading a lot of,

you know, reading a lot of text that is just like spells and shit that have, that are true and have real application, I guess you'd be like,

everything I read is correct, right? Why would I ever believe that any, why would somebody lie? Why would somebody go into a spell book and lie? Yeah,

they should give Sirius Black the chair. I've been fucking reading so many bad things. They should be ahead his ass. Especially when he's a dog. Harry Potter, the boy who lived chair. Fuck me, Dad.

Putting in the noose over Sirius and being like, oh, M, jump, jump, become a dog. Come on. Why would you want me in dog form? Less sad. Cutting off a dog's head's easy form less sad what cutting off a dog's head is easy you can imagine

cutting off a man's head why are you hanging hang on would he become a man again when you hanged him oh no he took off the noose but at X-Men

anyway at X-Men at Xavier's Academy they get but what I think is with wizards they're all learning the same fucking spells. But with the X-Men,

you got some guy who can become a ham dinner, some guy who can shoot eyeballs from his eyes, some guy whose skin is gravy or whatever. I'm on a food team here, I noticed. Are you hungry? A little bit, yeah. I haven't had breakfast. And I want gravy from breakfast. Gravy and ham?

That's like your favorite meal that is good but yeah so but those students have different requirements for mutant class yes than the

you know what I mean? so what I can gather is that so the X-Men that have like are X-Menning around that have been X-Menning for like X many years or whatever

they're the ones that are teaching certain like classes so you have I think it's Beast doing science because he's a clever clock.

He's a scientist. I would argue maybe not the best because he's also a bit condescending and patronizing. And I think his level of genius is quite high. Also, isn't teaching a subject very different from just being good at the subject? I was about to say that as well. So you have that.

You then have, say, Colossus is an artist and he's teaching art. But again, he paints, sure, but does he do anything else? Sculpture. Mixed media. Then you have someone like Cyclops, because he has to know about

trigonometry with his optic blah, so that's what he teaches, like, yeah, geometry and trig and leadership and tactics. Usually we just say maths, but that makes it concerning. No, because Iceman, Bobby Drake, he was an accountant, so he teaches maths, which is great because- Accounting and maths are different. Yeah, I know.

You need maths for accounting. But it's not like being- I mean, I guess being a good accountant would probably give you, like, a bit of a leg up, but not. It's like if we rolled into a high school right now, we're like, right, we're teaching media. We'd have some basic idea, but also not really. Also 500 episodes of this, it would immediately get us fired. It's crazy we got in in the first place.

Other people, like Magma, she teaches. Magma? Yeah, Magma like Magma, she teaches. Is it Magma? Yeah, Magma. Never mind. Never mind. Sorry, Karma. And then New Mutant. Sorry, never mind.

Don't ask. So she teaches French. Oui, oui. Well, I mean, I guess if you know French. But then again, yeah, sure. Right. If you know French. I know English.

Yeah, I couldn't teach English. And you teach English. Well, if you have a baby, a son, from earlier in the episode, as made famous earlier in this episode. Not an uncle. You've got to teach them English if you speak English. But they pick up a lot of it because they're with you 24-7.

And they're a sponge, and also they're watching Sesame Street. You could plonk your kids down in front of Sesame Street. And also, unless you're homeschooling, you then send the child to a school. That's true. They don't, you know, I guess. Kids talk by the time they hit primary school, though, don't they?

Yeah. But they learn further words. Yeah. They can talk. That's anything good. Yeah, that is true. Conjugate the verb, baby. But, okay, so they are getting an education.

Yep. It's just not a good education. Yeah, I think they're getting a better education than, say, kids at Hogwarts. But then, this brings it back to my other question, you graduate Xavier's school for big boy youngsters. Yep. Now, do you then, is it like a choice? Like is Avia like, hey, I love the fact that you can shoot eyeballs out of your eyes.

Would you like to do that against my enemies? Well, a lot of the X-Men become X-Men either through, I guess, circumstance. This is like pre-Krakoa era. And they become just because they're like, right, you know we're becoming we're going to the school we're learning how to use our powers we're also getting an education and then suddenly

we get attacked and now we have to step up okay so a lot of them tend to not want to I would feel like such a coward if like my classmates

attacked the sentinels or whatever and I just hid you know I think a lot of it is also peer pressure as well yeah

because there's like yeah so Bobby Drake he wanted to be an accountant I think he was an accountant for a bit. That's so funny. Like Havoc and Polaris, I think they went

and got a different education, like PhDs and things. Yeah. And they were like, we just want to do that for a bit. Once more we're dragged into this bullshit again,

Back to being an X-Man. Do you get, like, does it count? Like if you want to go to college? It would have to, right? Or is it a college? Is it a real high school? Uh to college? It would have to, right? Or is it a college? Is it a real high school? Yes.

It would have to be. But it's not. Aren't there certain accreditations you need there? Yeah, but I think he has them. Which is where you have to. See why I'm like, right, that's why they're doing mathematics and science and those kind of things. So you've got to remember Charles Xavier can mind control. Oh, that's true.

Getting any accreditation would be very easy. Five-star school. Once again, we won the mathlympics. Xavier's school keeps winning that fucking mathlympics. God, I love that guy, though. Everyone here loves me. It's time to re-watch the tapes. My parking is validated.

But he didn't actually do it. He goes, I just got a ticket. I paid for it. You can't say that to yourself. I paid for my own parking. I paid for it. Eyes rolled back in his head. Scott Free gets a ticket to the mail.

What the fuck? It's funny as well to imagine the Mathlympics is coming up and he's just like, we won the Mathlympics. He's convinced himself. So he's just rolling around with joy. Well done, everyone, on winning the Mathlympics. Could you... He was Irish that time.

Well done. I reckon, could you instead, instead of actually going to the Mathlympics, just convince all your students that you won the math olympics and then print a certificate and then well done for winning the math olympics

we're going to frame it we didn't win no oh yeah the math olympics that was cool when they said 2 plus 2 and I said 4 that was awesome do you reckon if there is, say they do go to a math Olympics and you got a kid whose brain is like the size of his body

because it's so full of ideas. You can't send that kid. Why not? Because he's got like a leg up. He's too smart. He's mutant smart. What the fuck do you think any competitive anything is? Yeah, I suppose. Part of it is, I guess, the body you're born with, the brain you're suppose. It's like part of it is, you know, I guess, you know, the body you're born with.

Yeah. Or the brain you're born with. And also part of it is, you know, the education and how you've been brought up, right? That's true. That's true. I'm just imagining rolling into the Mathlympics and I'm like, I've been studying so hard. Then I see a guy sitting on his own brain. Yeah.

And I'm like, I might as well go home. Why? Because he's a mutant. He's so smart. You're giving up before you even have a chance to compete. I absolutely am. In Gattaca, you would have been like, damn, I have a dodgy heart. Guess I'm going to not go into that rocket and jeopardize that mission.

You pathetic individual. I would do that. And I'm proud. Instead, you're like, no, I'm going to lie and fake. And if I have a heart attack as our rocket careens through the stratosphere, be it on everyone else because I'll be dead. But I achieved my dream. Yeah.

Another guy achieved his dream by setting himself on fire. Gattaca rocks. It's nice to have achievable dreams. You famously studied advanced basketball at high school. Yeah, as a joke. For the bit. In joke. For the bit. In advanced, for the bit. You were not self-aware enough to do anything for the bit when you were 17.

I was. That's why I didn't pass. Because he's like, you need to do this one assignment to pass. And I was like, what will happen if I don't pass it? And he's like, you'll fail the class. And I'm like, how many classes can I fail? And he's like, three or whatever. And I was like, oh, I won't do it then.

I'll fail this one. And then later he spoke to my dad and he's like, what's wrong with And I was like, oh, I won't do it then. I'll fail this one. And then later he spoke to my dad and he's like, what's wrong with your son? My dad said, gee, I don't know. Great question. Lots we imagine. But like, in basketball, if you're playing in a team and then

a guy that's taller than you is just on the other team and you're like, well, I'm giving up. Well, there's tall, but then there's like if it's a guy who, you know, supernat, I'm giving up. Well, there's tall, but then there's a guy who supernaturally is good at basketball. His mutant powers. It's the Mathlympics. There's a team, I assume. I don't really know much about it.

I imagine it was kind of like Jeopardy or a family feud. I imagine we invented the Mathlympics for this episode. Mathlympics is real. Okay, I didn't know. What do you think huh you need an education so

because again if you got like yeah this one guy is very smart yeah but it's a team sport that's true

so you know you have the best player in basketball football whatever it is but that's just one player you need a team

yeah okay so that's where you know maybe you might have a chance would you play a game of, say, American football, NFL, against the Hulk? Go back to school with Rogers and get

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You see on the other time, you're doing the huddle, and you're like, that guy is eight foot tall. Am I also a trained athlete? You are a trained football player. All right. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome.

I can't wait to watch you become a red passata on the field. Well, because the thing is- When Hulk barrels into you. Oh, you're running. And Hulk tries to grab you and just tears you in half. Well, then I'll win because that's clearly- I don't think you- I don't know if you're aware of most competitive anything causing grave injury or killing someone.

Well, Hulk can't help it. I mean... It doesn't matter. Yeah. Well, then I guess you die but your team gets a sweet victory. Hulk, not necessarily. Hulk, this would have to be

Hulk's first ever game. Yeah. Or he doesn't kill people on the field. Yeah. And even if it is his first ever game and he does kill people on the field, he's probably not getting in the team because he would have killed

his own teammates at training I think it's crazy they let the Hulk compete at all well that's what I was saying so he's either competing and it's fine he just will decimate us or he's not competing because he's killed a lot of folk

that's fair alright I'll enter the mathlympics against a big brain or whatever. See, I would say it's probably easier to get an education when it comes to things like mathematics, science, those kind of things. It's very much like there is a correct answer. When it's like this is a whole like the stem, I guess,

to be like, right, I'm going to go and find the most cleverest people and then suck off their memories and their brain of it all and then just whoop. All right. Into my students. They're all fucking clever now, aren't they? You might not really need to go to class at Xavier's Academy.

It's like, well, all right. It might be like kind of a party school and you just graduate with like full honors at the end no matter what. Okay, so what would be the mythos, I guess? The mythos or the theme of the school, the whole driving force behind it. The ethos? The ethos, that's the word.

The ethos of the school, yeah. The ethos of the school to be like, right, we're a front because we need- We're secretly kind of an army. We're secretly, sneakily an army. But also, if you're doing it from altruistic viewpoints, to be like, we're not just making an army. We actually want to make, so do we believe in the coexistence of mutants and humans, and that we want to have this sort of integration between the two,

and we're worried because a lot of these students are basically born with guns to their hands. Yeah, that's very true. And we're very worried that if something happens, then they're going to blame all of mutants. So really, priority one one there is to make sure that no one uses their gun hands on anybody. Okay, fair enough. So that's my priority one. They also need to have an education.

So if I can just boop into everybody, and they're all clever, and they know the basics, and they can pass whatever the basic standardized test is. I'm going to do that and then we're just going to focus on each individual's needs to not destroy the world.

That's probably the best way to do it. At the beginning of the year, Professor Xavier, he comes around, you touch foreheads. Yes. He's like,

well done, welcome to my school anyway. You are the smartest boy in the world now and he gives you a little kiss on the forehead. And then he's like, now do me. I think.

You kiss his awesome round bald head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit salty. Yeah. And then you get the sort of like the STEM stuff out of the way. And then you would focus on your own like mutant stuff as well as maybe some of the more like, you know, art stuff. Yeah. Because I guess, you know, you whatever. English and how to read.

What I would do is I would, rather than just booping every student, because you need to be a little careful I guess about stamping out. Are you scared you're going to be like, boop, boop, boop, and their brains will leak out?

I'm scared that you just make a carbon copy of every, because if everyone's knowledge is exactly the same, everyone gets tricked into thinking they've had exactly the same experience. You're going to end up with people having, especially as a teenager, one of the hugest existential crises imaginable. Oh, yeah, that's true.

What I would do is I would just grab each teacher and boop the knowledge that they need to be the best teacher yeah to them because then they're consenting and they know what's going on and they're like this is fine this is part of my thing you're also not overloading them with like here's all the knowledge here's like here's the knowledge to be the best french teacher and then it's up to the kids to still be students i know i know that i know that professor x is look, let's keep this mutant. Yes.

This mutant academy or mutants. But why does he not just get like actual teachers? I don't know. Like what's stopping? Because. Dangerous? There is. Probably dangerous.

There is a few like humans throughout. I guess Xavier's like. Moira? She's human? Moira McDaggart? No. Oh, yeah. No, she Moira McDagget? No. Oh, yeah. No, she becomes the lady that lives like 10 years.

You cool? Oh, dude. You don't want that tsunami, dude. You don't want that tsunami, dude. Yeah, because the recent comic book run, I already know this one. You are the Nami. You're the Nami. It's like her last life, and every time she-

She's now a robot. Does that help? No, it makes it significantly worse. Is she ever been human in the comics? I think, yeah, before this one, basically. So, yeah, she was, like, helping out mutants like that way. There's been a few different, like, counselors. Like, Stevie, I think her name is.

Are they always pals, or do they ever enter a romantic relationship? They do enter a romantic relationship. There was one series. The comic book readers hate it, and therefore they didn't commit? No. No. Yeah. It's just, Xavier's, I guess Xavier's, like, sex life slash romantic life

tends to just be Legion's mom. I want to say want to say gabe is no gabriel is him i don't know dude yeah do they have freaky mind sex well so when moira dies or at least was meant to die in one of the um timelines or like maybe fake to death or whatever yeah uh as as she's doing that um and in her dying I guess breath or moments her and Xavier like psychically fuck that's awesome

that's cool stuff that's how I want to go yeah me too dude mind fucked to death yeah as I'm dying yes please by some force

far greater than myself yeah no so yeah why because I think that's what I would do I'd be like look mutants can help

other mutants with their mutant problems. Teachers provide an education. So he does get. All right. So, yeah, there have been previously some non-mutant teachers. Okay. One called Stevie Hunter, and she's a dance instructor. That's classic Professor X.

We need more humans to teach the people so I don't do it. My students don't know How to dance well enough It's disgusting Every time I see them Prancing around I've never seen Nitro like teleport around

Horrendous Gangly It's so gangly It's all arms Arms and a fucking tail I hate it We're going to Broadway Can we just go back to

Stevie Stevie Hunter was it I believe that's her name Yes You said dance instructor And then you just stumbled Over the next two words Which I think were

Actually pretty big Currently a politician What an awesome career trajectory Yeah, that's great Cool You go from teaching young students how to dance To then being a poly That's pretty good

Nice, good stuff, far enough I guess dancing makes sense in a way of like It'll help them in combat Yeah, if you help them in combat and you're agile moving around. Would you... Not look so gangly. Yeah, yeah. Not look so embarrassing when you're fired.

Graceful. Look, Steve, our uniforms, they're skin tight. They need to be able to move in there and look good. They've been stumbling around. Everyone's laughing at me. Magneto's laughing at me. Call me Chrome Dome. Here's the one with the big helmet that's chrome.

You are bold, Professor X. What did you say? How dare you? Get out. That's why she went on to become a politician. Professor X should have that awesome hat that the royal guards in the UK have. What, like the big top? Yeah.

How awesome would that be? Hey, everyone, my hair grew back. I'm like Marge Simpson. Marge Simpson looking like Marge Simpson. Help me. Everyone just like looking at him and knowing there's a royal guard somewhere. Missing a hat.

It's also funny if the X-Men are in the UK. Just like Cyclops. I guess Chuck went through his Simpsons phase. I love my boy, Bart. Have you seen this show, The Simpsons? My God. I can't stop laughing. That homo is such a buffoon.

Much too relatable. He's the everyman, you know? In many ways, I see myself in him. He's in charge of a nuclear power plant that could explode at any time and I'm in charge of students that could explode at any time. You see, Wolverine, you could pop me over the head with your claws just like what Maggie did to Homer. I'm the itchiest scratchy I can blame.

What films are you watching? You're watching too many cartoons, I think. You hate cartoons, Wolverine. Damn it, I freaking hate cartoons. I'm a hecking dad. Don't make me sick, Bob. Wait a minute. That means you can't watch The Simpsons.

You only like The Simpsons. It's also funny. You're the Maggie, I think, Wolverine. Cyclops, you're sort of like Bart. Making a whole Simpsons family of the X-Men. I think Cyclops is more Lisa than Bart. I agree, I agree. The sort of moral center of the X-Men, yeah.

And a big baby. And I guess probably Wolverine's more like Bart. Who's Homer? Professor X, the boss. Magneto's Flanders? Yeah, that's true. Hi, DeLeo. He's been watching it too.

Wow, Magneto's. Okay. Yeah, because then, actually, another thing that I wonder, is could the X-Men that are, can they help with every X-Man puberty? Let me start that again. What the fuck are you saying?

Let me start that again. If you're Wolverine and you encounter a man who is made of jam, can you help them through their mutant power? Or are you like, I just make claws come out of my hand. I've never been jammed. So this is where I think xavier shines yeah okay because i think this is where because him being a uh a genius in genetics a mutant you know mutations theory like he's the person that will be like right i can help you with your particular thing and then they go on and to like go around yeah that's class so for example um mr sensitive guy smith i believe his name is great name very cool name yeah so he's a and to go around other classes. So, for example, Mr. Sensitive.

Guy Smith, I believe his name is. Great name. Very cool name. So he's a very sensitive boy. Cool pal. He's skinny, he's like everything that he is. I think you just met an empath. No, no, no.

If you leave him out of something, he just cries. He cries. No, no, no. You're thinking of the other mutant, Empath. Empath becomes that fucked up one, yeah? What do you mean? Who becomes the fucked up one with the spikes on the inside of their suit? You mean Bollyball or something?

Yeah, Bollyball Is that Speedball? Yeah That was close Empath becomes Speedball? Or Speedball becomes Tenants! Tenants, yeah

I am the tsunami, bitch! But he's not a mutant What the bitch! But he's not a mutant. What the fuck? Speedball's not a mutant. He's just a guy. He's just a guy. The tsunami was never me. Empath is just like a new hellion who can control people's emotions.

He's a bit of a shithead. Did we say a hellionook? I was going to say a new hellion, but no, he's a Hellion. As in, so this is the other school. I'm diving onto the suit. There's another school. There's another school? There's another school.

That one's run by Emma Frost at the time. And they have the new mutants. And they have the Hellions. So new mutants were the next generation of mutants that came in. What the hell is going on? I'm just standing on the plate not swinging and hoping that I get hit with the ball and go to first base.

It's probably for the best. Would you? He is like he can't really cope in the real world because everything is like he's basically getting everything all at once and he's like it's too much. So then Xavier is like well we can devise using what you have we can dev devise a suit that you can wear

and you can kind of wear that, which kind of shuts everything off so you can function day to day. And through that, we can also devise a shower, that kind of thing, so you can actually clean all kinds of things. He does take an individual look at every single mutant, which I think is what you kind of need.

Yeah, that seems like really the priority number one of the Academy. Does Cerebro help with that too? Doesn't Cerebro just show you where all the mutants are? No, Cerebro doesn't. Well, is it Cerebro when Cerebro is Cerebro or when Cerebro is when it's a guy? Forget I.O. Okay.

What about this question? Or is it when Cerebro is not Cerebro but actually Danger? Because Cerebro, there was a comic where Cerebro pretends to be Xavier and gets other mutants. There's also a fucking comic where the Danger Room's a guy, right? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, Danger.

Is that Cerebro? No. Okay, thank God. That's Danger. Yeah. Okay. It's part of a sheer AI, which is like, anyway. Here's my question.

Sometimes I do podcasts, I'm like, I should read more comics. But then most of the time I do podcasts, I'm like, I should read less comics. You should avoid comics in general. If you were a mutant, and you'd gone to Xavier's Academy, say you can become Allspikes. Yes. Ah, it's the Allspike. You're Johnny Allspike.

And you can transform your ham dinner from before. So I can make ham dinner, I turn into a ham dinner. Both. You know what a mutant's power upgrades? You can make ham dinners, then you're power upgraded, now you can become a ham dinner, I turn into a ham dinner. Both. Okay. You had one of those, you know, like one of Mutant's power upgrades? Oh, yeah. You can make ham dinners, then you're power upgraded, now you can become a ham dinner.

That's nice. So I can, like, carve off bits of myself for someone to eat a ham dinner on? Yeah. Okay. Now, you graduate. It's been a wonderful time. Yeah. Would you go on to live a regular life?

Or if Xavier was, like, joining the X-Men, would you join the X-Men? I think the implication is... You don't have a choice? Well, it's not that there's not a choice there's that peer pressure from before kind of. Well again

depends on the era. So I think in like bygone eras when like again pre-Croco and pre-what's happening right now then you're like

yeah I think you'd have a choice because if you graduate and you're like say your cohort doesn't get attacked by like the friends of humanity or Sentinels or like future versions of yourselves

or whoever the fuck's going on. Honestly, I guess if the Academy gets attacked and ham dinner over here comes up to plate, then you should give them a role in the X-Men. Well, yeah, right? You're just a ham dinner. Exactly. But if I, you were attacked, well, not attacked at all,

and they're just like, congratulations, and then graduation day, everyone's like, shake, I kissed Professor Slytherin in the forehead, and he kisses me, and they're just like congratulations and then graduation day everyone's like shake I kissed you know Professor in the forehead and he kisses me and then I'm like okay

and then we all look to the horizon and nothing happens just waiting then I guess yeah I would go on to yeah a further education maybe

the university or I would you know get a job I guess I'd make it a ham dinner as chef with one very, very... It does seem like kind of a waste

if you don't go into making ham dinners for people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess. That's my signature dish. The ham dinner. The implication after this is more like, I guess if you are a very talented student and you have a unique set of skills that make you perfect for the X-Men,

then you'll get asked. I suppose Hamden or maybe not, but if you are all spikes, you kind of might be useful. It's kind of akin to, right, okay, you are, say, very good at football. All right. Awesome. The Hulk's not on your team, so don't stress about that. Or basketball, let's say.

You passed advanced basketball. let's say. Okay. You passed advanced basketball. You passed with flying colors. You're one of the best. You're one of the best students there. And to be like, oh, my God, this kid, he's going to be like, you might be able to play for the, I was trying to think of an Australian basketball team. The Boomers.

The Boomers. Okay, I could play for the Boomers. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Andrew Gaze himself comes and is like, this one here, you're good. And you're like, oh, yeah, cool. Well, I've been doing other things. Like I'm actually really good at math.

I did the mathlympics. Yeah, yeah. I killed it. Or my painting classes, I can do so well at that. Beautiful paintings of ham dinners. So I'm like, I don't know. I don't want to be a basketball player. I'd rather just paint some Hamden as I was

inspired by my good friend. He was my muse. Samit. Sorry, Hamden. Please. Inspire me. Hamden, I need you to just be there. I need you to draw you. Okay, Jack. Alright.

Damn. And then I just eat you. Got, Jack. All right. Damn. And then I just eat you. Got him. I've been wanting to do this since day one. Expelled. It becomes a ham dinner. I nudge you, slice my hand up on your spikes. I'm going to eat that guy.

You're bleeding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ow. But I'm going to eat that guy. You can eat me, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah eat me dude Yeah yeah yeah Sure you're my muse or whatever So yeah

You'll never turn back into a guy Whilst being eaten I'll fucking die It's gonna happen So I'm gonna climb out my mouth I should have seen this coming He just hit me whole He just hit me like a slice

You've seen Jackson eat. Yeah. I put the whole ham in my mouth and pulled out the bone like a cartoon character. Yeah. It was awesome. I think, yeah, but you're very similar to that, right? So they'd be like, yeah, sure, you were very good at basketball. And like, hey, we've got a position on, like, you know, the boomers.

So you could play for them. But you're like, well, I want to do something else. I want to actually go and, yeah, to a university. I want to travel. Oh, yeah. I want to see the world. I want to actually go and get to a university. I want to travel. Oh, yeah. I want to see the world. I want to take a gap year. Yeah, yeah.

And so I think it would be like that. I want to jack off my dick. Yeah, come on, man. I can't. Everyone's listening either with their super fucking hearing or telepathy. I just want a year to just jack my dick off. Jack my dick off. Just pull on my little dick and nuts.

I took so many engineering classes simply so I could design Magneto's helmet. Then you all confiscated it because you were like, I was becoming a big threat to you all. I just wanted to jerk off Xavier. Oh my fucking God. You know, I had, I look,

I was thinking about it the other day and then motherfucking Jean Grey came as a goddamn phoenix. Don't jerk off. I hate this school. Was that me? Was that me? Was that my fault?

Because, look, I'm not going to lie. I was thinking of redheads. Is that my money? Now I'm going to get down and respond to this? I just want to jerk off in peace. Xavier, let me jerk off my dick. Like in bed, you're looking around. You think it's okay. It's finally time for me to jack off my dick.

You'll reach down the door, just open slightly, save me a postage edit. He'll jack off. Fuck this school, dude. Nothing good happens here. What are you doing, Ham, dinner? In your mind,

is Xavier just patrolling this, just checking for kids, jacking off? Yeah. He'll waste their... It's like having people say they don't have sex before a sporting event. That's what he's scared of. They'll be off their game.

There's a big battle with Jack O'Neill tomorrow, so... Don't you jack off, my X-Men! Goddammit! Oh, I'm so angry! We'll give you a carbo load now. I've made some orange slices tomorrow. I think if you look at the X-Men as a kind of a sports team I think it's probably

it makes a lot of sense the best way to do it because it's like yeah you have people there being like well that's what I want to do I want to graduate and play sport

I want to graduate and play for you and I guess you see Xavier's school as like a sports academy yeah basically because then you have different levels of the

you know you have your juniors and your and a sports academy is like they still will give you a basic education. But it's just the sort of primary focus is getting you in the field. Sports academies, at least in Australia, usually don't kick in until, like, when you're, like, 16 or 17.

Yeah, it is a bit early. A bit early. We're training them good. We want to make the best sports team. So, yeah, at least with sports academies, they're like, even if they don't nail the, like, last parts of education, you've got most of the boxed in. You've got the groundwork. So you've got your rookies with the new mutants,

and that's how you're seeing where everyone is, you're seeing who's going to be the best in what sort of position. And from there, you then have X-Force, where we're like, fuck it, we're extreme sports. Yeah. With a lot more violence and leader. And then you've got, the x-men which is like kind of like you know that's your your sort of yeah and then with that you've got like your

different teams as well you've got like x-men blue x-men red so you've got like a heap of different options and then from there you can branch out to then you have like yeah they like you know when they do have um different like mentors they have like the hellions and all those other kind of you know teams as well so yeah you could do do a lot with a visual as a sports. It really makes sense. What X-Men would you pick to help you through

your sort of mutant puberty? X-Force seems interesting. I mean like a specific guy, but you could pick a whole team. I'm covered in spikes. What are we going to do about it? They're like,

well actually, you're already perfect for X-Force if you're covered in spikes. Do any of those spikes go backwards into you? Because that would be awesome for us too.

Yeah, that's more of a speedball penance thing. There's spikes going at other people, that's your X force. That's good, that's good. Maybe some extra pockets and a big gun. Oh, I'm all spikes, but I also have two. I'm coming strapped.

Yeah. I got a gun and a knife. A knife's so funny. You are a knife. No, I'm Spikes. Okay, fair enough. Excuse me. I choose Gambit.

Oh, yeah. That's a good choice. Yeah, yeah. What the fuck's he saying, though? What do you mean? You're like, huh? I don't understand, Tom. He's speaking Creole or whatever.

You'll be fine. Plus, how much is just becoming ham dinners It's an absolutely simple task Exactly Does it hurt? No Plus he might teach me how to like You know pick a lock

And that seems pretty useful Dude can't you just become ham And slide under the door That's why I need Gambit in my corner Cause he'd be like Why don't you become Slide under the door Slide under the door I think under the door, I think.

Oh, yeah. Just then pop out, open the door for me. I come in, we steal some jewels. Here's my second piece of advice. Avoid that boy. I'm just staring. You're my muse! You're my muse!

I love painting you or whatever! He says he's my muse. I'm going to eat that fucking guy, dude. My hand's just going to shred. And I never seem to manifest any mutant power. I'm not sure if I'm really a student here, to be honest. Just wandered in? Yeah.

They'll figure it out. I think if you look at it as a sports school, it kind of makes a bit more sense. Yeah, and I think, yeah, depending on how they go about doing the other levels of education. It's probably not the best education, but for what it is, I think it kind of works. It's better than that freak fucking school in Harry Potter. Fuck Hogwarts. Fuck Hogwarts. If I had to pick an education, I'm going to the...

Well, I'm going to a real school, but if I had to pick one of these two, I'm going to the academy. Yeah. Yeah. If I had a choice, I'd go to the academy, and then I'd train up to be an X-Man and then I would use those powers to destroy Hogwarts nice dude I'd raise that building yeah yeah

I'd try to be an X-Man be like you know like the I could kill Dumbledore easy easy dude with optic blast oh my god

I could probably kill him now with a rock with a hammer hammer? oh yeah probably even just my bare hands I'm just here to fix the shelves

like Jesus yeah yeah bang bang bang. Got him. Fuck this school. Yeah. But I think the best thing would be, yeah, just to train up for the X-Men.

Yeah. You just make the whole thing to be like, I'm going to be an X-Man. I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the next, you know, leader. I'm going to be the next Scott Summers. Yeah. I'm going to be so good.

And then when it gets to, like, graduation things, oh, no, my knee blew out maybe. I've done my ACL. I've got real hamstring awareness. You've been hammy. Yeah, I've been like, I'm corked or something. We've got licks. No, it's probably too far gone for that, I reckon.

Won't work. Knee reco, knee reco, knee reco. It's probably a double knee reconstruction. Maybe even a shoulder reconstruction. I'm fucked. Yeah, and then live my glory, live my life with like, I could have been an X-Men. I could have killed Magneto.

I mean, if it was up to me. I don't think they got me in there. Every failure. But this knee got blown out or whatever. Too bad. Aren't you the guy that could become Hamden? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could have been the best.

Could have been the best. Could have been a contender, but here I am. You want a ham dinner? Yeah. Not really. What are you imagining for a ham dinner? Well, a couple of different things. Can I guess what you were thinking?

Yes. Two to three slices of thick cut ham covered in gravy, peas, and mashed potato. You absolutely are imagining the exact ham dinner. This is why I'm your muse, baby. This is why you're my muse. And this is why I need you to tell me. Oh yeah, you're my muse. I'm going to eat that guy for muse.

Dude, you are my dinner. You are my dinner. I mean, oh fuck. I'm your my dinner. You are my dinner. I mean, oh, fuck. I'm your ham dinner. I don't even like ham that much. Yes, you do. Oh, that's right. You love ham.

Did you just turn the fucking Scooby-Doo in? Scooby-Doo? What do you mean? Raxxon? Yeah, I'm sorry. You love him! That's right, Scooby-Doo. I do love him.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo! Scooby-Doo, I love him, and I'm going to eat my friends so fucking good. That's right! Jackson's power is that he can turn any of his good friends into Scooby-Doo. You've got a very interesting power, young man. Just watching me walk around the academy

as people come to Scooby-Doo, I might need to kill that boy. Huh. Huh. Professor Rex, I'd like to talk to you about Rex and Rayleigh. Yes, yes. I have to. He is on my shit list.

Rex and Rayleigh. Yeah. Perhaps I should ban cartoons for him, too. This is the problem. Cartoons are rotting everyone's face. Oh no. I think my mutant power

is also kind of a curse the more I think about it. No, no, no. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Is the X-Men education system good? Let us know.

Yeah. It seems alright. It seems fine. Fuck Hogwarts, eh? know. It seems alright. It seems fine. Fuck Hogwarts, eh? Yeah. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on

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