Plumbing the Death Star - How Would We Handle Being Sent to Space Against Our Will?

Episode Date: March 16, 2025

Vague reasons are sending the boys to space against their will. Can they bring a walkman? How will they coordinate ‘whacking off’? But most importantly, is it PON or PONG? (It’s Pong. It’s so obviously Pong)Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joe. And Plumbing the Death Star is the comedy pop culture podcast when we ask the most important questions of all Including this one which we haven't discussed prior prior to me saying Feel that you may have prions in the brain I almost said privacy Said you didn't throw out a private. You can see how like I always see. No, of course. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, how would we handle being sent to space against our will? Look. Long time listeners of the show, or people that have listened for four weeks may know that we touched on Elton John in an episode recently. And he has Rocket Man, a song in which it's not specific, but the vague feeling is there of Rocket Man is a Rocket Man that got sent to space against his will okay space oddity Well and Davis

That was written because they were thinking the same things I'm thinking now Which is why I was everyone's who's getting we it's just funny that when the space race happened I guess people like oh, no We're gonna get sent to space. It would just be normal cuz again in rocket man. It's his nine to five job He says he doesn't know the science. He just works there five days a week Yeah, I get it I understand I understand the concept of conscription Now the new frontier the new thing we're fighting is space. Yeah. I am worried that it's gonna call my birthday.

Every time I go to the mail and I, yeah, I look at my bills, I'm just hoping there's not one from NASA. Hahaha. Yeah, like the doorbell rings, like that better not be NASA. Please be a traveling salesman, please be a traveling salesman. I'll leave it for a snake oil salesman at this point. I'll buy a potion out of care. Then the door opens, it's an astronaut.

No. Babe, hun, no one's going to say babe in the 60s. Wife, dear, dear, I'm going to space. Once again, it's like I always thought was going to happen. Uncle Sam has come for me, and they need Me to go to space honey the thing I feared most has happened Uncle moon wants me to go to space now now now no tears no tears tears dear we have discussed this Tell the children I love them yes, and I'll be back hopefully soon that's so cool you just left you know whatever you guys as well dude I've NASA have come for me I can't go back this true dude and um yeah in rockin man

conscience of Jets conscientious objective they send you to jail well in rocket man Elton John also touches on that where he's like Mars is no place to raise a family. Yeah, it's cold and there's no one there. Yeah, for sure. If the NASA come and I'm like, well, wife and children is the sacrifices we make. Yeah, who knows what daddy's gonna find out there. Yeah, awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm pretty sure, I mean, I hope they don't want me to take my family with no surely. Sure you go solo Well, yeah, I mean if it's conscription again, yeah, I mean they didn't send your family We need you all to fight you and the fan every man woman and child

Single family unit together. I'm no general, but that seems like a bad My son can't shoot for shit. Don't worry, we've got him some wonderfully tiny fatigues. Oh, OK. Breaking news. Unbelievable and unimaginable casualties have happened on the front line. No one saw this coming. There's a thing where a lot of young men died and all kinds

of stuff. Whole families, whole families died. Bloodlines are wiped out. Yup, yup, yup. That's awesome. I think Private Ryan would be weird. Yeah. It's like, oh yeah, the brothers and our mom is here. Grandpa and grandma and the aunts.

Everyone's here. Yeah. Okay, so in this scenario, is it just individually me? I, it's the 1960s. Yeah, okay, so in this scenario is it just individually me I Was yeah, the 1960s of cold and plumbing the Death Star going to space okay? But we have no choice What am I gonna do up there because I think I could handle just getting sent up doing an orbit coming home I imagine we're going to Mars. Oh fuck Haven't done that now. Yeah

Go up and go to orbit and come back down NASA takes care of most of it I'm just like one of those chimps do a spacewalk Do I go and land if we do a spacewalk we look out one port hole overseas have it then we look at the next and He's not there that we look at the next and he's not there. You guys attached this right? Yeah. You know I don't want to do this. You're plugged in.

Oh my God. Oh. Oh. I guess it turns out in space people can hear you scream. Your friends who forgot to tie you down. Yeah. Yeah, people, yeah, you can hear someone scream in space if you leave the intercom on.

So I'm gonna turn that off. I don't want to hear that. It's funny about you being like, am I strapped in? And we're like, yeah, yeah, you can hear someone screaming space if you leave the intercom Be like am I strapped in a look yeah, yeah, and then the camera pans we've just tied the rope It's getting a little like stuffy in here is the airflow I'm kind of struggling to breathe. That's your problem. space, there's no air. What do you think? It still happens to not get untangled. Untied anyway. It was not a strong knot. Single knot, didn't even double knot. No, no, no, no. We were too busy trying to get Pong to work on them. Yeah, disable all screens.

Yeah. Install Pong. Yeah. Pong. It's Pong time. Oh, God, Pong instead of Pong. It is Pong. It's pong time. Oh, I got pong instead of... It is pong. That's for some reason I thought it was PON. What game is PON?

I don't know. Oh, I got PONG. Yeah, good. I thought you might have wanted PON. What kind of game is PON? Or did you just think the PONG was called PON? You might have wanted porn Or did you just think the pong was called porn yeah, I thought porn I know G is the name of the game. Yes, I know of pong But because I know of pong, but it's like I said It felt wrong in my mouth. That's how my brain was like. Oh, it must be porn

PON and then pong it was amusing that I'd installed pong yeah cuz pong you kind of sounds like it's like a stink yeah but Pawnee yeah exactly well yeah so in that scenario I installed a pawn it's a bootleg pong dude there's only one bat in this game and the ball doesn't bounce. The ball goes off. It breaks the bat and I don't do anything. You can't do anything yet it's just over. Well why does the government want to send me to space?

Because that will determine how I feel about it. What's my job up there? I think your job is they need to prove, so America is trying to prove to the Russians that Americans are strong. Yeah. Even just like every day. Americans are strong so we gotta send three Australians. Okay.

Oh yeah. Let's say it's like two levels of propaganda. They've gotta prove to the Russians that America is so strong that just regular civilians can go to space. But they're not actually sending up Americans because they don't want their Population to die and at this point Australia and now is in the pocket of America American as a good as good will for the dish or whatever Yeah, you guys get to choose you the three most beloved or loathe of civilians go up into space Okay, and then obviously it's the 1960s, the plumbing the Death Star players, a radio show that's broadcast across the country.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get sent to space. Um, okay. Alright, I'm dead. And we get sent to Mars, we have to walk around Mars for a bit and then come back. Do I have to, like, get anything? Maybe a rock. I can do that like, get anything? Maybe a rock. I can do that.

Okay. I can get a rock. What I'm scared about is that, like, an astronaut trains, like, you know... Yeah. Like, every day, like, that's their career. They know what they're doing. I'm guessing if we're being sent to space against our will, we still, we just have to train against our will. Okay.

What are they asked? But in Rocketman, he doesn't know the science? Yeah, that's what scares me is that I'm gonna be up there And they're gonna be like land the shuttle Jackson, and I'm gonna press a button and suck the air out Evacuate air and then I'm suffocating okay, so yeah Mars is on average 140 million miles from Earth. How long is it gonna take? Three day lunar trip.

Okay, that's not too bad, three days. Yeah, go to Mars, come back within a week. Yeah, so astronauts bound for Mars, sorry. It's a three day, sorry, rather than a three, I, what, you know what, I just didn't read. Yeah. Oh, wait. I just stopped reading. Yeah, because you just said three day lunar travel. So it yeah, because you said you you just said three-day lunar

Trip Three-day lunar trip rather than a three-day lunar trip Wouldn't say a lunar trip to Mars because they Go past the moon Yeah Right, I was like, we go past the moon, so it counts. Yeah. Astronauts bound for Mars would be leaving our planet for roughly three years. Three years, dude? There and then three years back.

Wait, three years there, three years back? Or one and a half years there, one and a half? Astronauts bound for Mars would be leaving our planet for roughly three years. So I'm guessing one and a half there. Yeah. Okay. My reading comprehension is like You cannot read that article about going to Mars which is crazy cuz like you read things on your screen all the time

Three years is that enough time for my wife to cheat on me back home home during two weeks a day. No, this is definitely cheating, dude. Yeah. My wife's probably already cheating. She's just become more brazen and public with her affair. Yeah. No, this has always been Jackson. Well, she's going to be that's beyond an affair. That man stole in my life. All right. I come back and I try and come back into the United States and they're like sorry We've already got a Jackson Bailey My wife just waved at me from the god damn it. Yeah, they sent me back to space

Well a one-way trip to the red planet would take nine months. Okay, but I returned you and you would be around three years So we're kind of going for about four years. What? It's still three. Your listening comprehension is terrible. Didn't you say it's nine months there, three years back? What the fuck? How did you get that from what he just said?

A one-way trip? One-way trip. Just like, think of it like a puzzle. Okay, it's nine months one one way and then three years both ways how long is it gonna take to go both ways nine months one way there and then three years both ways to return back yeah so and so yeah three years nine months You're not paying attention, me barely reading, which I think is going to do great for our trip to Mars.

Oh boy. Okay, three years isn't too bad. In terms, it's going to be boring. My concern though is say the return trip. So we get there, it's nine months. We don't have to do shit, right? They've programmed it. The return feels like there's a lot of things for us to do. We need to be able to do the propulsion to make the force to leave Mars.

I don't know. I played Kerbal Space Program, dude. A simulator of space travel. The amount of times I crashed and killed all of my guys, I never was successful. I have a question. I either killed them or stranded them on the moon. Yeah, but you are leaving out a very vital part to that game, which is you were also in charge of building the rocket ship.

And you also wanted to brute force it and refuse to make a rocket the way you knew it would work. Yeah. Yes. My question is, astronauts. First off, a man driving a car. I know that that person in the car is in control. Now an astronaut, how in control are they of the spaceship? That's a really good question. Well, it like plane rules plane rules how in control they can be there in control of the landing and the takeoff and the middle part is just Up to the grace of plane

But they can override the systems as made famous by that little boy that sat on his dad's lap and crashed the plane into a Mountain killing everyone on board by little boy that sat on his dad's lap and crashed the plane into a mountain killing everyone By little boy, I mean he was like 14 Yeah, he was getting frustrated because the plane wasn't moving where he turned it to and he turned off autopilot by yanking the stick That's so crazy. There's nothing more dangerous than a frustrated 14 year old Wow, that's real bad. I think that's okay. It happened a while ago That happened but like back then not now tragedy plus comedy Well, I mean like Tragedy well yeah, this is tragedy plus comedy because I brought up a tragedy, but I didn't make a joke about it

I just said it was like that in a comedy podcast. I guess that does equal time timer has bars I think with astronauts you are only in control of landing That's just not true well no because you in the spaceship don't you're not pushing up a that's all NASA baby And NASA's calculated the angles and shit that you need to do to get it Yeah, it's only when shit go real bad right that's where you gotta take control I'm fairly sure you need to check in with certain readings and coordinates pretty much non-stop And they will tell you what adjustments need to be made you know dry. It's like Like driving this car. It's like a rally car driver. Yeah

It's like driving a car. It's like a rally car driver though. Yeah, yeah, yeah I mean you're not it's not like you get in the Rocket and they're like good luck and you got to just like fly through space. No, they are helping you Steal the towel. We want to do okay. Yeah, okay now like a plane sort of they tell you when to land and when to take Off of what it's clear or whatever. Yeah, yeah, can I sometimes planes crash into all the planes because someone's not paying attention Yeah, well their they're boys on their lap or whatever. Yeah, or the Black Box recording reveals that the air hostesses and the pilots are having a laugh about someone being caught having sex in a cockpit

or whatever, or they're joking about flirting or something. Anyway, they crash the plane because they're distracted. That's crazy, dude. It kills all of them. Yeah, well, yeah, unsurprisingly. Most of the time that happens. Tragedy plus time. Plus plus time this time at equal comedy I Think the best plane crashes the fictional one where Denzel Washington flew the plane upside down. Yeah, that is sick, dude

That is really cool. He could have landed it normal style. Well, I look I know that people don't really talk about flight starring Denzel Washington very much anymore, but I loved that that movie was based off Sully's life But they just made it more awesome What if Sully was addicted to cocaine was drunk while he was flying? I didn't land in a fucking river. That's boring He landed the plane upside down Do you think it was initially pitched as like this is it was inspired by the heroic efforts and the media? Here on the Hudson god damn didn't they make a film with? What's better?

Who cares about Tom Hanks landing a plane in our lake? Yeah Not me planes land in the wet all the time. Yeah, sometimes it's raining they Well, yeah He shouldn't have flown into those birds, you know every time you're on a plane and they show you like hey if we crash in the sea Yeah, there's like rafts and slides a sweet little slippy slide Yeah, part of you like kind of like if that did happen, it would be fun. Yeah Honestly, a lot of the time I do like a mental check of what I've got on the plane and how upset I would be That forever that's so funny. That's so funny.

Cause I'm like, yeah, the slide's sweet, but now my Nintendo switch is at the bottom of the ocean. Plus you're only on the slide briefly and you're terrified for your life. I don't know. I think if I'm at the point where I'm going down the slide and the plane's in the sea, I'm probably not, well, I'm less scared than I was

when the plane was falling out of the sky. You reckon though, like after you've gone down the slide, they would let you go back on to go down the slide again? Oh shit, I left my Nintendo Switch on the plane. Like so, no, you're trying to climb up the slide. The whole thing. Just trying to go into like a big gaping hole in the plane so you can go up to the slide again.

I don't think, like being in a plane crash obviously scary Yeah, I did a simulation of it once was scary It was weird Makes sense they can't obviously make a stomach you don't really believe in your crash in a crashing They're pretty good at making it look like you are though. That's good If I remember correctly it ends with you in heaven though. Oh that unlikely Yeah, I think if like I honestly think that once a plane has crashed into the ocean even though the ocean is probably just As dangerous if not more than you feel karma. I'm like I'm on well

I'm now where I meant to be sort of yeah. Yeah. Plus once I'm on the raft. I'm like well I'm not I'm floating. Yeah, and I think to Titanic. I'm like, oh, yeah Once I'm on the raft, I'm like, well, I'm not, I'm floating. Yeah. And I think to Titanic, I'm like, oh yeah. Being on a raft can still kill you. Depends where in the water we are as in like the world. Yes, that's true. Well, we won't know.

Ice cold water? Or like, is it warm water? I guess we'll know that. I think all the ocean's cold. Is it night? And you'll know where roughly, if you were paying attention to the map, like if we're, say it's we're going to the UK for a tour,

I know what ocean that is which ocean? the one between America and... the Europe? Atlantic, that's the Atlantic not necessarily, depends on the plane crashes you fly over two oceans do you?

yeah oceanic? which ocean, what's the other ocean? cause you go like across Australia and then aren't you in the Atlantic? And then you... I don't know. I thought you crossed two. Maybe you crossed the one near Italy and stuff as well.

Well there you go. I guess I wouldn't know. I also wouldn't know. But both those seem like safe oceans. Yeah. Although... There are worse places in the ocean to crash. The Malaysian plane crashed into the ocean. Yeah.

The Malaysian Airlines. We still ocean yeah, we should now lines We'd still don't know where that was a lot of ocean you could like Mean just like wow there's a lot we could just well going from Australia all that's not great This episode is the episode with plumbing death star realizes how much This episode is the episode where Plum with the Death Star realizes how much I would say like maybe like crash into the Probably more than 30 at least I know that there's a the worst place to crash in the ocean is a place called Point Nemo Wrong, the worst place to crash is Bermuda Triangle

Oh yeah, he's not wrong You go missing, who knows what happens there You go to Bermuda Triangle, the aliens take you, that will be bad dude He ends up in Area 51 and you're getting MK altered They dissect me for some reason Oh my god Shouldn't have crashed there That's where the aliens crash That is on me 51 yeah Crushed that shouldn't crash that's where the aliens crush That is on me. Yeah, I'm the point Nemo is that it's the furthest from any land anywhere in the world It's like the most deserted empty part of the sea

Um, and if you there you're fucked baby. Yeah, no one's coming for you No one's gonna come out on you. So to answer the question of which oceans we fly over, I guess the Indian Ocean for a bit. Not a lot, but a bit. Yeah. And then, yeah, we do go, I guess, across the, it depends which way we're going to go on, but I guess the Mediterranean Sea. Okay.

You could potentially crash and burn there. Okay. And I guess just before you get into the London, Do we fly over the Dead Sea? English Channel, just. Whoa, we do our own S the, into the English channel. Just well, we do our own Sully land in the Thames upside down though. So it's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, of course. Then the slide comes out wrong.

Yeah. It comes up and you go into the sky. Did you know, like you say you crash in, say the Mediterranean Ocean. Yeah. We get on a raft. So planes float. Not for long. They have to float for a little bit, but dude you think of boats Yeah, the one that floats dude. I go hovercraft

Yeah, hovercraft does what hovers? No, okay, say we crash like what's the point of the slide if the plane sink what's that sinking that quick? Yeah, you gotta be quick. That's why it's bad if you go up for another go. Yeah. Cause if you go up the plane sunk another like five meters into the- Oh yeah, big things sink slow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still sinking, but it's-

Like the Titanic. And you wanna get far away or else it'll suck you down. Yeah, cause the Titanic took like a day to sink or something. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Plenty of time to get off that boat. I'd be on the Titanic being like, I think it's gonna fix itself. It'll ride itself. It's not sunk yet.

You know you see it'll do the thing where it goes down, and then it's gonna fix itself. It'll ride itself. It's not sunk yet. You know, you see it'll do the thing where it goes down and then it bounces right back up and we'll be fine. And I'll be the only, the guy who owns the Titanic. That's true. Cause I've got the whole ship. No, say we crash in the Mediterranean. We get on the raft.

The raft paddles, it gets collected by like Mediterranean, Italian authorities. We get taken to Italy. Do we get a little holiday? I think we'd get taken to a hospital. Yeah. Oh sorry, ill-hospelato. Ill-hospelato. I don't think we've landed in-

Are you trying to get like latte into a hospital? Or gelato? If they say we're taken to ill-hospelato, I say, I thought we were near Italy, but I guess I don't know where we are Spanish speaking country I've never heard of that speaks Spanish wrong Hospital a it's probably hospital Just doing it with an accent. Hospital!

But say we land in Italy, we go to hospital, they check us, we're good. Then what? Do we have to go to the airport and fly home? Or will the airline pay for a little... No, you would probably... For some reason I'm like, were you still asked to do it? No, we just crashed. They would either, they would be at a hotel, like they'd probably put us up in a hotel

and we would only deal with the Australian Things and then the Australian Embassy would probably do something with it like okay cool Let's get out get these people back out so yeah back after this So it sounds like we get a little bit of a holiday you probably either get a little bit of a holiday and hopefully like a First-class plane you would hope so dude if I have to go from crashing A plane in the sea to economy. Yeah, no, I won't I'll remain possible Italy, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think as well. I guess yeah if your passport is now on the bottom of the Mediterranean

Yeah, yeah, and my would be yeah I mean like most people's possible The hospital in Italian is not what I expect to be I'll play it. Okay, cuz I'm scared. Yeah Hospital hospital loss loss. That's the hospital. Oh no, I'll spit out a hospital See See see see

shallow Jack's all over the hospital. I Si, si, la hospitale. Si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si, si,ita grande is? Hospita grande, big hospital. Hospitale grande. We need the biggest hospital you got, dude. Il grande ospedale. Yeah, il grande ospedale, yeah? Give me the big ospedale. Okay, but yeah, so I think you'd have to do a whole embassy thing and everyone have to be there.

It'd probably be very stressful. It'd be stressful, but they would probably, hopefully, put you up in like say a hotel. Yeah, because it's good PR. Good PR and also you might not have anything like money or like cards or anything like that. And probably a lot of PTSD about being on a plane. I think I'd come out fine. Yeah, I'd come out fine. I'd just be like, what are the chances it happens again?

I actually want to go on planes more now. The first plane crashes the second one you get snakesed on a plane. Aww man. Fuck! I'm getting snakesed on a plane right now. I just was in a plane crash, I was in Sully, and now I'm snakesed on a plane. I'm not even going to get to have a hotel after this. I'm just gonna get snake poisoning.

Oh, okay. Hey, ciao, let me go to the hospital. Grande hospital. El snakeo. They fly you back to Italy to deal with the... Do they think I'm Italian? I've experienced so many plane disasters around Italy that I've become an Italian citizen. Yeah, we couldn't actually get your apostle back in time.

It just became really easy for you to be, it's like just to naturalize yourself as an Italian. Okay. You're living it now. You guys come visit me on my beautiful Italian villa with my Italian family and my olive trees. Yeah. This is nice, Jackson. my olive trees. Yeah, this is nice Jackson Come on in I make it you ballonets and then when my wife and kids are out of my fucking I've already taken off my shirt. I've grown out my belly boys. You gotta get out some of that Mediterranean son

I'm trapped dude. I'm trapped in a prison of the government. Yeah. Yeah, child la grande policia yeah oh no this is immediately learned Italian I'm calling the big police I'm at the back I am playing football with your kids on their way I'm sucking down spaghetti cry okay man Okay man, I'm excited for the big police. Jackson, your life is incredible. The big police, they come in, they're just like, anybody too big here? Everybody seeming like at the right height. We need to get this man out of Italy. No, no, no, no, we are the big police.

We looking for someone who's too big for Italy. You gotta call the normal police. Yeah, got any examples of someone too big for Italy, the big police? No. Andre the Giant? Yeah, Andre the Giant. He was too big. Couldn't let him in.

Um, well, would you be scared to go to space? I mean, you know, the question is like, how would you cope with it? My brain, when I'm doing things like that... Daily Jackpots, a chance to win with every spinner and a guaranteed winner by 11pm every day. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11pm Eastern. Research and supply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandoo.com. Please play responsibly.

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But I'm the only one here. No Ruby, I'm recording an ad. Is that why you're in the broom closet? Can you just shut the door, please? Okay, what was I... And I need your help. The mystery? What on earth is making everybody queer?

Listen to Queer-ial wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday. Only on the Sonar Network. I was gonna say that. And now you don't have to. Real cute. Hey, remind me how I put you in sleep mode. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Kind of, like if I am nervous or scared by the time it's happening I've processed it to the world can't do anything about it now

Yeah, you're locked in you're locked in I guess if it's kind of like the government are here And they're taking us down like that's NASA and you know you've got to go space. It is like well But always feared hun Space because it's either that I mean like what's the alternative if they if the come to me and they say, Jackson, you have to go to space and I say, no, are they going to send me to prison? They're just going to shoot you on the spot. Oh, well then yeah, I'm going to space. Yeah, I think it'd be that. Yeah, you just got the calm brain to be like, nothing you can do right now will stop this. So you need to lean

in. We'll panic about this later. On liftoff. In therapy. Yeah, in therapy later. If I get back, God willing, my therapist will deal with this. You've got nine months there. That's a good nine months to panic. But as we're leaving and then we land, don't worry about it. And I guess you just have to be like, hey, I get to see Earth from space, that's going to be pretty tight. I get to go crazy because I realize that human beings are worth jack shit Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm gonna get the Shatners. Yeah, yeah, JD's most likely to get the Shatners I'm just holding my thumb up over the window and covering all of Earth. Fuck these puny ants

You just keep like getting your hand and crushing it Yeah, yeah, yeah, I imagine him like pinching earth, like fucking squeeze you like an ant. Squeeze you like an ant. Doesn't it also happen in... ...Armageddon? I don't know. Oh, Steve Buscemi gets some sort of space madness. They call it space dementia, I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, isn't he also holding his hand over the cover and into a fist? Probably. It's a very, like, bad movie. Yeah, great movie. I know he gets fucked up bones if you're in space too long. Spacebends. Spacegoonies, I think maybe they call it.

Oh yeah, I reckon they call it spacegoonies. I don't think they call it spacegoonies, but you know what? I don't have anything. Are you just sending Chonk to space? I can't deny or confirm if they call it space goonies. So I'm just gonna be like, yeah, sure, dude. They'll call it space goonies. Jax is gonna Google space goonies

and then he's gonna go, huh. Well, I can't find anything here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think, yeah, it's a good just, well, we're here, we can't do anything. I think what will worry me is boredom Yeah, yeah, what can we do on the like how? Well, you've got big is on yeah is this space. Yeah, we've got this is six. Yeah. Yeah, it's tight

It's a cramped little space you bring like a Kindle no Probably realistically, let's say this is happen after because we're going to Mars yeah so it would probably be early 70s not that that changes anything yeah what got invented late 60s you might be able to bring a Walkman not smuggle a Walkman no that's 80s yeah and also what are you gonna do with a Walkman? Listen to music? How? You could brought the cassette Cassettes weren't invented in the 70s. Well that's why I said oh no that's the 80s. Walk listen to music how you could brought the cassette? Well, okay, why would they have a walkman with nothing there like guys guess what I've invented

I took like Walkman is in like because there's the walk without the tape deck Yeah, I thought you meant like a radio and I was like good luck getting a signal Yeah, oh or is the signal way clearer in space or delayed oh, yeah I think it might be clear. I think that's like a thing so maybe we bring the radio to entertain ourselves. We've got each other You know we get the three boys the three musketeers yeah boys are back in town They're back in town for three years non-stop boys back in town I'm trying to find out when the walk was invented Okay, how big is this I guess Space that we are sharing. It's not big. Okay, look like it's smaller than this room probably smaller than the studio

It would be in phytozomimate like you yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Cuz like like the space station currently is small like it's cramped You got to crawl around everywhere and that that's in the year of our Lord 2025. Okay, if I'm jerking off what's happening? Just keep it down we can put our helmet on and probably not hear it. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. We'll just have our little whack-a-noff party. Yeah, helmets on boys, I'm jacking off.

It's like the eighth time today. Well, there's nothing else to do. Nothing else to fucking do, dude. It's nine fucking months, okay? Dude, I can either jack off heaps or we can play another game of count to one million. Yeah. You won last time.

Yeah. That's why you want to play again. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sick of porn. I'm sick of playing porn, dude. Pong would be all right. Cause we could get good at that. Cause you start up a game of porn and remember you hit the ball off screen

and then it's over. I like to imagine cause in pong, there's the two paddles and the balls in the middle and then the ball just floats to one side. So just in pong it starts, you got one paddle, the ball's in the middle and then it just floats towards the side with no paddle so you don't even get to hit it. You just move up and down. Just frustrated. Can I bring a book?

You can bring a book. I don't know. The weight's pretty calibrated. The weight is very calibrated. a book you can bring a book yeah I don't know let you bring a book the weights pretty calibrated I know I'm thinking yeah very calibrated okay I will try okay if I it depends how much time we have to this because I will try yeah to lose as much weight as possible like dangerously so so I can bring that in oh I see you lose a books amount of weight yeah I'll keep losing several books amount of weight so the point is are losing several books amount of weight Yeah

So the point is, wait how's that much amazing? Like I have, I stopped eating Yeah yeah yeah No wrong I'm not, I weigh the same, weigh me Yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah Yeah Cause then they're gonna be like, oh great you've lost weight, that's fantastic

Now we can add more fuel Yeah more fuel Nooooo They put you in that G-Force machine and it just kills you Yeah It's like, you son of a bitch, I'll kill you. And I'm so weak. I need to have a sleep.

Yeah. I guess the one benefit of going to space is that we'd come back heroes. So that would be pretty cool. Has anyone ever come back from space loathed? I mean, if you're like, I can speak to space. They might be like, ah. Ah, fuck. Astronaut John Dooth, I'm not a bad one. Bad astronauts.

I think you can't do anything. What are you gonna do? Well, there was that astronaut that kidnapped someone and they wore the diaper. That was not in space. That was on Earth. Jane? Maybe?

Something like that. I forget what her name was. But in space. Bad astronaut or a band, which I don't know. It's a good name for a band. In space, you're right, there are no laws. Is that what you're getting at? That's what I'm saying. Crimes.

Crimes. I'm saying we can do whatever we want. We can do whatever we want, guys. There's no laws in space. Damn right. What are you gonna do, Jackson? I don't know. This is kinda also nothing to do.

Yeah, I can't break any laws. Yeah, there's no space laws. But like you come back, you get to go on talk shows. You get to go Yeah, I can't break any law. Yeah, there's no space laws, but like you come back You know you get to go on talk shows you get to go on. I don't know What was a 1970s talk show? What I'm thinking of but I can't remember the name of it But you get to go and talk shows and be like yeah I was in space there have been allegations of crimes committed by astronauts including accessing a partner's bank account and a theft allegation

But no astronaut has ever been convicted of a crime in space Whoa, look especially in the 1970s. What do we do? What what could we do? Yeah, like yeah What's going on there? We're doing that anyway. Yeah, you could probably commit treason Hell With my orbital laser No, but like if you're if you if NASA put you in a ship, yeah Yeah, and on the way up you're just like man. I'm gonna kill the president. No, I suppose you could threaten treason

Yeah, that's true. You probably can't commit high treason. No, no, no, but you could commit loads Country yeah, I guess I guess Microphone has been bothering me for weeks of episodes now, and I just figured out how I can fix it and now I'm at peace That's nice. That's great man. Um could you hide something you probably think of Carson? Carson Johnny Carson dude. Yeah, I'm saying yeah, I went to space What's Johnny Carson like I'll try and ask you a Johnny Carson Okay, would we be doing it as like all three of us doing it? Or is it like one, you know? Well, it depends. I mean they might try and book all three of us because like I'm thinking you know with the Landing on the moon. Yeah, everyone's like well, I want Neil Armstrong. Yeah, he's no no one's Aldrin or like Michael Collins

No, no, no, no, you know, you know you did settle for Aldrin Yeah, but you want someone's like that first step you like the worst thing to do would be like, oh, yeah, we were getting all the again the astronauts and then you know Armstrong's pulled out No, come on, you know, well Collins. What can I just get boss? Colin feel like you stayed in the shuttle didn't yeah. Oh that sucks. That's Like if you got all three and say Armstrong pulls out you really don't want No, like a second and third. No, I mean like buzz all second and loser who stays in the ship Yeah, just first second and that's it. Yeah

Yeah, you didn't go on the moon. Yeah Shuttle it doesn't count. Yeah, you were there. Look at the moon. Guess what? I do that too. Yeah, you was in the shadow. It doesn't count. You were there. Look at the moon. Guess what? I do that too. Yeah. Oh, look, the moon. You just sort of close up. Maybe not even that. So fucking get off my set, dude. Well, that's it. Yeah. Are you listening to Johnny Carson? I'm trying to, but people keep talking to me. It's like I'm doing some kind of podcast or something. Yeah, it's crazy. Or it's awesome you're listening to Johnny Castle. The bit'll be worth it, I promise. Okay, you do that. You do that, but ignore us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's another thing that I was thinking you said. Obviously you say we're landing on Mars. We're gonna need to say something profound, you know? You will need a small step for man style quote. Yeah. Yeah. As you step off onto Mars. And also who's going first?

We're all three stooges style. Trying to get out. Our helmets crack. We all die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or they say crack but suction onto each other. So we have to walk with our heads together. The Johnny Carson clip I picked was just Jane Fonda talking. So I don't know what he sounds like. You can do it as Jane Fonda. Sounded like a very funny story from Jane. Okay. Nice. Yeah. I didn't retain any information because I wasn't listening to what she was saying.

I was just waiting. You're waiting for Johnny. Yeah. Well, Mike, so, you know, with the three astronauts that landed on the moon, one did have to stay in the ship. Mm. But Hags not?

No, they'll stay in the ship. You step out onto Mars and then you notice the ship's just floating back up into space. What does he think's gonna happen when he gets to Earth? And then you just turn. He's not going Earth. He said no, he's doing some other shit. Yeah, he's going to Fogel.

Yeah, I'm going to Fogel. He's going to mother shit. Um, okay. Well what would you say? Say you, say you, Zammet, you draw the, you don't draw the shows, whatever, you draw the good store. Hey, welcome back to the Jimmy Carson show. It's me, Jimmy Carson, and today I got the two astronauts

who stepped foot on Mars. Hey, it's astronaut Jackson Bailey and astronaut Joel Zabit. Woo! Thank you, everybody. Thank you, John. I really thought we were on Johnny Carson. We got his good friendship. Thank you. I really really thought we were on Johnny Carson

I thought a good friend. Joey brother Jimmy Carson, but that's okay a good friend Joel Dusha had Lost his mind when he stepped onto Mars And he thinks he's hosting a talk show Yeah, actually one Mars you've just got a gun Jackson if we make it alive, we do not tell anyone about this Yeah, this cannot be historically what the first words on Mars was said We're gonna come up with something No, I was gonna say you're on the show now and then you can just talk me through your... Oh, our first word on Mars. Okay.

So thanks for joining us on Jimmy Carson. Thank you so much, Jimmy. It's a pleasure to be here. A pleasure to be here. Pleasure, pleasure. Yeah, this is really sweet. So, I'm... Sweet to be here. I love Jimmy. I love Jimmy. Can I sit down at the little thing on my wrist showing me how much oxygen?

Kay, Jimmy. So, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. That's iconic. That was the first one done it on the moon. What you boys say when you're up there in old Mars town? What should we say? Well, it was talking about, you know, we would try to think about maybe, um,

because we're doing this for mankind and it's the frontiers of space. Um, so, I'm so scared right now. So, you know, we thought, and like, you know, because we went up there as a trio. Yeah. Good, as all good friends do.

Yeah. And we talked to the other guy. Well, he's a... Did you leave him on the ship? No, no, no, no. God no, no, no. We never would. We never would.

He's a very valuable member of the team. Yeah. Yeah. I bet he would have said something good on the Earth, on the surface of the planet. Mars. he would have said something good on the earth at the surface of the planet Mars I'm like I'm sick of this pushbar scene just like earth can suck my ass it's crazy you managed to smuggle two Yeah, I lost the exact weight for two guns. I figured I'd need them. Smart, smart move.

Yeah, suck it, Earth. Well, it's tricky to think, because it's giving me one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. That's huge. But that's like, I think maybe something to do with like, finally, like the next step will be the stars. What about each shit Elon Musk?

Okay. That's good too The 70s I guess He's too busy stealing Diamonds Yeah yeah yeah You want it to be profound But you want it to be catchy too

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind Also, if it didn't catch on That sucks You don't like it one small step You know on your rettis one giant leaves feels like Performative yeah, yeah, I guess they would have had to have practiced slash or a door. Oh, yeah I didn't even think about it would have been decided beforehand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, hello Mars This is hello Mars. This is Earth calling.

Oh shit, no I'm not on Earth, this is Jackson. Hey Mars, you home? You up Mars? I'm gonna fuck this planet. NASA cutting the feed, it's going out to a million sculpture books. Whoa! And then I fall dick first into the Martian soil. And it burns my penis clean off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like you could do something that is a bit more profound or something like, you know, or you could kind of leapfrog off the whole giant leap for mankind. Turns out three fucking idiots can do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about you, which I like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, this would have been one giant leap for mankind.

Yeah. One giant leap for mankind, one even bigger leap for the rest of mankind. Yeah, one giant leap for mankind. I'm gonna kill the president. When I get back to Earth, I'm gonna kill the present. I haven't forgotten that this was against my will. Yeah, you shouldn't have sent me to space. It just made me stronger and crazier. I'm such an idiot. Neil Armstrong steps off the shuttle and is just like,

You shouldn't have sent me to space. It just made me stronger and crazier. NASA will be back and be like, I don't know if we want him back. When I get back I'm going to kill the first person I see when they open the door. The first person I see when I get back to Cape Canaveral is going to fucking die. When they open the door I'm going to reach with my power for my new powerful nothing in this Martian gases making me so strong and intelligent and given me the powers of Superman clearly state that he has gone insane he's got that Mars madness. We can't risk it

Before he did like like NASA's in there be like he he probably Doesn't have the power of the Superman right we know that Mars won't give him the Superman yeah, like some sides has been like we can't well we can't know for sure no one's been there yet. Yeah, so he I mean it's unlikely What if it's like what if it's like like, you know a kryptonite Yeah, but like the reverse some kind of Martian radiation. It's giving him like Superman powers, Jackson Could you please demonstrate those Superman powers? No, fuck you If we were we could just tell the public, uh, he dies or something, and we could blow it up. I was actually gonna say, we could just tell the public, he dies.

Yeah, he could tell the public he died. Sorry about that message to the one million schools, he died. We could, surely we could just, just, on reentry. Yeah, exactly, they could just shoot me. Funny to be watching a live feed of you, and then you get assassinated like JFK on Mars. By just, yeah, a bullet from somewhere off screen. Huh, who did that? Hedge do just do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it needs to be because I reckon that nine months there, I feel I would have. You think about it? I reckon I would somehow, I guess, you What's what's the would you? The kidnapping thing Stockholm syndrome. Yeah, I think I would Stockholm syndrome myself face. Yeah, or to be like no, I'm patriotic now Oh, I see like you like I wanted this I wanted this I wanted to do this for mankind I wanted this for like, you know, yeah, I maybe I deserve this maybe I am good Who'd have done this yeah special I'm gonna die for president that isn't even mine. Yeah, we're special

Yeah, I mean we must be dude. We're in space But I do think that would be that kind of like, you know, the idea of like, okay We need to do something profound. Yeah, you say something good and I think you know, maybe like, you know Like first step was Mars the next one first step was the moon Next one was Mars, and then how do we finish that? If you rhyme Mars and stars I'm taking my helmet off first one. I wasn't thinking about Mars next step on Yeah, first one was the moon the second was on the yeah, and then the next step who knows Well the next step you know to infinity and beyond yeah

Yeah, Mars is but one stepping stone on the path to the rest of the universe Mars but one stepping stone on the path to me becoming gold Okay, I'm a fine that motherfucker our punch me he's out there damn it runs on yeah God's dead and I killed him here on Mars okay okay the astronauts are going crazy pussy yeah that mousy I'm looking for that ma Shoe scene dude. Okay, yeah. The problem is, was it these boys or is it Mars? We did leave them in a little tiny environment for nine months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did not vet them, no one listened to their radio show.

We did give them a popcorn and that was it. Yeah, that's probably a mistake. So yeah, I think like overall, the one thing, like all the pop culture explores it is a Sadness and loneliness and isolation, but I think plumbing the desk I get sent to space involuntarily yeah total madness Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm turning on each other We run out of oxygen while you have us trapped on the Jimmy car while you have us trapped on the Jimmy Carr show. The Jimmy Carr show. Yeah.

I think that's it. The feeds in those 100 schools, they like tune in and it's just you. We're sitting on rocks and you have two pistols drawn on us. I'm Jimmy Carr. Okay, he's doing a lot. Okay, we're like, later back at the spaceship. Can I run for it?

I run short. Back there. Oh, I just shoot the spaceship. Can I run for it? I run short back Wow and people like I don't know again shoot is it Mars or was it dumb we can never tell the jury's out Do you know a lot of people say it was probably them? Yeah, Mars is fine. Mars is fine. It's just a planet Yeah, Mars is fine Mars is fine. It's just a planet My chest that just might be what happens to you We can say well not us and on that note. I've been Joe. I've been Jackson I've been Joe and what do you think listeners if you got sent to space would it be good or bad? Yeah, let us know was this episode good or bad? Let us know. Was this episode good or bad? Let us know. Why did they keep writing songs about that? It was a fear people had for some reason. I get it. But yeah, you could strip it into

World War II and then the next thing that's happening is going to space. We're fighting Russia, right? But it's the Cold War, so it's not like we're not going to the front lines. The lines are in space. That's where they send your boy America was in Vietnam before we landed on the moon Conscription that happened again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely guy. Yeah, I just don't conscription What happened in Vietnam? I know I have a Vietnam. No, I think it happened in World War two because Vietnam was the I know you could yeah Because if Vietnam was the one where like it was the most kind of like I guess you know infamous in terms of like Conscription that's a birth date one. Yeah, that's a birth that one So it was but a gamble but I'm pretty sure World War two was just like if you're a man of fighting age

You have to go to war. I'm pretty sure but I might be wrong. I could lie about your age. Yeah Yeah, I could say how old is old bitch other way around. I'm 80 years old Other way around. I'm 80 years old 20 years old, bitch You want to go to war because I want to go to war because I love my country Yeah, you want to die in the trenches. I would love to die Give me two cases of the worst trench foot anyone ever got and then a bullet in the head The moment I see no man's land i'm'm standing in the middle of it. One man's land dead. Yes, we'll fight them on the beaches and fight them Mars.

I see them. They're coming for us. Don't worry. We've got the- I'll cut off the- yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the best transition. We're gonna end the episode before we start trying to remember war facts. And we just get every single one wrong. So goodbye! See ya! Fandual Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do.

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