Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Get to Peter Parker Through the Ones He Loves?

Episode Date: June 23, 2024

Peter Parker aka Spider-Man loves to keep his identity secret as he’s worried all the powerful people he’s annoyed in his life of fighting crime will use his loved ones to get to him. And rightfully so! When Wilson Fisk finds out who he is he sends a sniper out to take out Aunt May. Or maybe she just gets caught in the crossfire? Maybe it was Crossbones? It’s been a long time. Either way, if his villains find out his Spider-Man it’s a slippery slope that ends up with his wife selling their marriage to a satan maybe. But we don’t want to go that far! We’re just a humble bug themed super villain team consisting of two Beetles and a Worm trying to work out the best way to get to Peter Parker through his loved ones. From going in too deep, to nephew cucking, to plain and simple gaslighting. We’ve got a lot of plans of how to get Spider-Man but not many ideas of why. It’s tough being a villain cursed with the knowledge of who Spider-Man is, probably best to make a deal with a satan and forget the whole thing.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joe. And Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast that asks important questions like, how would you get to Peter Parker through the ones he loves.

Spider-Man. Yeah, I know that guy. He often says he wants to keep his secret identity because if people knew who he was, they could get to his family, his friends, his loved ones, and they could get to him through them his friends, his loved ones, and they could get to him through them. Exactly. He's protecting them

because if he, you know, he's making jokes about Sandman being like, look at you, you sandy sum bastard. Oh,

it sucks that you're... Sandman's like, I'm gonna kill this guy's wife. It sucks that you're your kid's cancer. Spider-Man's going intense. Sandman,

you a sandy bitch Yeah Sandy beach More like sandy bitch Sandman's been like I'm trying to save my daughter What are you doing I like this

Biff I like this Peter Parker Who's just trying out All his different options Hey sandy beach More like sandy bitch Sandy You really sandy

Sandy cheeks From Spongebob Do you also Is it the sand Getting your Asshole Is that something Is that something

You don't plan out Your insults Before coming here Are you sand Made out of sand That has gotten Into a man's asshole When he went to the beach

Sandman You sandy fuck No Well you You should be Or could be You could be Sands

Piss Dogs piss on sands What else What else What else about sand Oh hang on I'm gonna call you Kitty litter

Is that good We're cat shits Yeah You know I'm not On your face On your face Yeah yeah Um

Hmm Fish piss in the sand Yeah what You're sitting there With a little notebook You know I'm not that kind of Sam. On your face. On your face. Yeah, yeah. Fish piss in the sea. Yeah, what? You're sitting there with a little notebook. What else about Sam does Sam? Sam. I think it hates you. Sam, Sandy.

Get everywhere. Sandy, grease. Grease lightning. Walla walla. Hey, Sam, man, the chicks will never cream at you. Oh, he's robbing a bank Oh I shouldn't be doing this Cross off

Crease lightning But yes So that's Spider-Man Keeps it secret He doesn't want people He thinks If Sandman knows who he is

Sandman will go And kill his grandma Exactly Or whatever Burn his house down Steal his car Yeah To Spider-Man's credit

When yes His name did get released That one time Straight away it happens Yes I think it was Crossbones or someone Yes they got a sniper rival

And yes They shot Aunt May And sure He then made a deal With the devil To save his aunt To sacrifice his marriage Or whatever

It's fine Spider-Man has ways Of dealing with these problems I know One more day Or whatever the fuck It's called. Spider-Man has ways of dealing with these problems. I know One More Day or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah, I know it is One More Day. Everyone hates it. Yeah.

But also, Aunt May's old. Ah. If she dies, she dies. Yeah, dude. Like, just enjoy your marriage. Don't say to Grandma. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that might be a point in the comic where everyone's like, dude, Spider-Man, you dumb.

Dude, the fact that a 90-year-old woman died by a sniper rifle, that's incredible. Also, Aunt May is probably not even fucking Aunt May. That happens all the time, too. Yeah, that did happen. There was an actress. There was an actress playing Aunt May. She's a life model decoy or whatever.

She kept that role past her death. She got buried as Aunt May. Yeah, I am definitely Aunt May. That's crazy. What a comic book. In your mind palace of Marvel comics, how many guys are there who don't have a secret identity? Is there somebody living a Spider-Man style life?

You want a number or you want some guys? Because what I'm thinking, Spider-Man, is like... Iron Man. Don't worry about the comics. No, no, no. It depends where you're taking from. Because in the comics, like a lot of them, right? Up until a point.

Then when the films came out, they were like, you know what? Really stupid. Secret identities. Doesn't make any sense. So let's actually just fuck off. And then same thing happened with the comics. Like, yeah yeah good point we're gonna really

kind of fix all this and sort it all out because yeah for a while it was like Tony Stark was like well no I can't be Iron Man

Iron Man's right here he's my bodyguard well this guy with a degree in robotics he's probably right he made a robot man and then he would hire like Rhodes and stuff

to be like look he's Iron Man and then I think Rhodes gave himself roller skates, which rules. God, come on. That's awesome. But just because my point.

Steve Rogers doesn't have a secret identity, does he? Does people know that he's Captain America? Does people know he's? You invented a new pronoun there of him. He's Captain America, dumb guy. Do those guys know that he's Captain America? Hey, you hear that? He's Captain America Dumb Sky Do them guys know The Heems Captain America Hey you hear

The Heems Captain America Heems Captain America For real Why Heems Heems Heems Captain America Heems is Man

We gotta do something About Heems I believe because He's a I guess he's from the Paws that doesn't Really matter But also because

He's a military property? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go kill all his friends in the nursing home. But it's just funny to imagine Spider-Man being like, well, I can't keep my secret. You know, like to Iron Man, they'll kill my aunt. And Iron Man's like, I have terrorist organizations after me, dude. And I say who I am.

They do blow up his house. But that's an extra layer of stupidity, because he's like... Here's my address, come get me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's like, what are you going to do? Blow up my house. Yeah. And guess what they did?

They blew up my house. I think a lot of them either are because they're not a public persona in terms of sense. It's like the New Warriors or whatever popped up, and they're like, oh, this is a guy who's dressed up like Night Thrasher. But like, you know, who is Night Thrasher? Who is Night Thrasher? I believe his name is Dwayne. No, but who is Night Thrasher?

I don't care about who he is. What are his powers? Can he thrash the night? Does he have a chain? Can he fight shadows? I believe he is just a multi-millionaire or billionaire. That's awesome. And he has aaire or billionaire. That's awesome. And he has a twin.

Nice. That's not really a superpower, in my opinion. It's impressive. Is it impressive? I was going to say, it's of notion. Yeah. I think, does his brother become a knight thrashing him? Would you rather have a twin or not have a twin?

I'd rather not have a twin. And if I had a twin? I'd rather not have a twin. And if I had a twin, I'd say that to my twin's face. I wish you were dead. As a man who doesn't currently have a twin, I guess the grass is always green on the other side. Twins would be annoying. It'd be like you, but with a different personality, but maybe not that different.

Yeah, but also it'd be like... Or maybe heaps different. I don't know. Or like for, you know, it's like say they go a different career path or maybe they dress completely differently i can see what i look like in the wild in certain types of outfits i'm like i never thought i could pull off a denim jacket but my brother didn't you know what i reckon i'll go buy a denim jacket i knew these twins in high school and one was like a goth and the other was like a preppy popular girl they were like either end of the spectrum

And that was pretty cool Do you reckon they ever swapped? I wouldn't have been able to know God you had to say Because if they're swapping from prep to goth And vice versa It's such a dramatic swap Absolutely

But no, fuck having a twin Fair enough, what about triplets? Does it get better or worse? I think it gets worse. Does it then start to tick up again at quadruplets? No. I think it just keeps getting worse and worse. 8 plus 8 or whatever?

I just don't think it really matters, to be honest. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Okay. I think I'm twin neutral. Yeah. I think if I was a twin, I'd be like, neat. If I wasn't a twin, I'd be like, neat. I'm not a twin now. I don I think if I was a twin I'd be like neat

I don't think if I was a twin I would be jealous of the twinless you know you'd be jealous of the twinless again what if you're a triplet well then I'm jealous of twins what if it's a lot of like I guess

circumstantial like issues here because if you're part of a twin and that twin is a lot of like I guess circumstantial like issues here because if you're part of a twin and that twin is a lot more successful than you yeah that's true then it's just like oh because that could be me what are the chances

that your twin is more successful than a podcaster yeah good point what about if you're one of those people that were separated at birth but you were twins

and then when you meet up again you've lived an identical life a thing that maybe happens? No, yeah, there's like all these weird coincidences like, I married someone called Betty and my lost twin he married someone called Betty. Yeah, exactly. Which is awesome because we only

find people called Betty attractive. It's genetic, apparently. I think it would... Names surely don't play into it. You'd think. Yeah, but apparently, according to factoids I've seen, it's like, we dress the same, we both love peanut butter. Motherfucker, who doesn't love peanut butter?

But that's also, that makes more sense than like... And then it was always, I don't know, sometimes they're like, oh, he married somebody named Betty, and he married somebody named Becky. Pretty weird. And they're like, no, that's not weird.

It would make more sense to me if it was like, they married someone with a huge hog, and then they married someone with a huge hog. They both love huge hogs. Motherfucker, who doesn't love huge hogs? That's not notable, you know? Good for you. Everyone's a size queen.

Okay, what about... I'm not reading that on factoid.com or whatever. Hey, they okay what about that's I'm not reading that on factoid.com or whatever hey they were both whole guys I'm not reading that on factoid.com

you got three yeah that's you got three you got three bits you got three choices you could be a tip man ass man or a whole man

the odds are in your face it's just a roll of the dice as to what kind of a fella you are the things again the little factoid it is those like weird coincidences

like I got the job in the exact same field or like you know or the very specific field but i don't know if that's or if it's you know i married uh someone that was a very similar names or they kind of look very similar in sort of like appearance that kind of stuff i think if that happened it would be like i would question everything about reality maybe not reality but it's like i guess we are very deterministic right yeah everything is there's no real, you're true. Everything is, there's no real- It's baked in. Yeah, it's all baked in. There's no real kind of thing.

There's like choice in a way. It's the illusion of choice. You would learn that there's no free will. In a way, yeah. We are all just rocks rolling down a hill. Exactly. Hopefully fast. You seem like that you would love being a twin, but I think if you actually had a twin, you'd hate it. Yeah, you're probably right

because you'd be like oh we get up to so much shenanigans but your twin would be like you and you both wouldn't be able to be fucked all my twin would be trying to be in the complete opposite direction yeah and we'd be like no shenanigans yeah I'm shenanigan-less they're both like nah you're raised like exactly the same you'd both be up to shenanigans

Gotham prep baby they hated each other and they tried to avoid each other and they did try to avoid each other at all costs and dress caster Jackson jock Jackson Jackson hot Jackson Jackson my brother hot Jackson my name's Greg yeah but you're like me but yeah yeah yeah say, being your sibling, horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should swap roles sometimes. No. Can you introduce me as Ugly Greg?

Are you okay? Yeah, this is funny for me. I'm having a great time. Anyway, Spider-Man. Yeah. Let's just imagine we're supervillains, whatever, and we find out Spider-Man's identity yeah what are we doing with it so how what do i want to how because again say we just go to the most basic level

we're bank robbing villains we're bugs we've been we've been slid by spider-man before have we been slid by spider-man we fight we fight him occasionally called Has he called us like, you know, Sandy Asshole or whatever? Are we bank robbers as in just guys with guns? Because you said, I need to, because you were like, why did you react like that? But this is what you hit us with. Yeah, we're just like run-of-the-mill bank robbers, you know, like bug themed or something. Well, we're still supervillains. So we're supervillains. Yeah.

Because you just said, no, we're not supervillains, we're run-of-the-mill bank robbers. But there's different degrees of super villain because you can have the super villain who's like I must do evil science you get the super villain that's like I must

rule New York and then you got like your mid tier low tier super villains that are like I'm just making bank that's us oh yeah

and we're bug themed okay beetle okay worm beetle okay Beetle Worm Beetle Okay I already got handsome beetle and ugly beetle

And the worm I don't know how Okay So what era of Spider-Man Is this as well? Are we doing when Spider-Man Is a leader of a sort of CEO of a tech company? Spider-Man is a teacher, Spider-Man is this as well? Are we doing when Spider-Man is a leader of a sort of a CEO of a tech company? Spider-Man is a teacher. Spider-Man is a photographer. I'm imagining Spider-Man

teacher. Okay. Dating Mary Jane. Okay. Uncle Ben's dad. Okay. Aunt May's alive. Okay. Okay. And maybe Gwen Stacy. No. Gwen Stacy's dead. I'm just trying to think of the loved ones we could put into the picture. Yeah, right. So I guess the school because it's when you're a villain and you want to get into Spider-Man. loved ones we could put into the picture. Yeah, right. So I guess the school...

When you're a villain and you want to get through Spider-Man, ideally you want to... Like what Grass Bones did. Kill our mate. It just seems the most obvious choice. It depends on what you mean to get to Spider-Man. Do you want to use it to bring Peter Parker out so he

kicked the shit out of him? Do you want to get to him as in like psychologically? Yes, psychologically talk to him. I would prefer the psychological one, the long-term one, to kind of like ingrain myself in that whole universe of his and then just kind of, you know, ten years down the line, then you reveal something. Because I feel that's where the most hurt comes from, when it's a place of love. He's like, this person I trusted.

Yeah. It's kind of like, okay, so what I would do is be like, okay, cool. I'm going to try, and so MJ is in the amateur, like, theater kind of stuff. It's like, okay, I'm going to drop my Beatle costume. I'm going to be a Beatle-themed maniac who's going to try and steal so much of it. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to try and make it as an amateur actor. Or like a screenwriter

or a playwright or whatever it is. Do you have the skills for any of that? I don't know right now, but right now I have a drive. He's been pretending to be a beetle for this whole time. Yeah, but like, acting you might be okay, because I think I know what you're about to try and do.

And it would be funny, because this is a long con, if you fall short. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the idea would be to kind of get you and myself involved in that sort of amateur theatre in any way, shape or form, be it like, you know, whatever it is, like props, lighting, anything like that. And then, you know, through it all, like, you know, you're trying to get in the same place as, say, you know, Mary Jane. You're trying to befriend them. Hopefully, over, like, your period of time, you build up that relationship so you are, you know, in and out of their life.

You go on a brunch with them. Oh, my God. You, you, you know. After parties, after plays. After parties, after plays. All those kind of things. You're having a good time with them. Maybe you're getting to know them personally.

Maybe you're like, you know, at a backyard cookout. You're like, oh, my God, you're Peter Parker. Here you go. Have a beer, whatever. Have a chat with them. Maybe you're getting to know them personally. Maybe you're like, you know, I don't know, backyard cookout. You're like, oh, my God, you're Peter Parker. Here you go. Have a beer, whatever. Have a chat with him. Maybe, you know, you meet somebody, you fall in love, you invite them to your wedding. Maybe Peter Parker's your best man.

And all the while, you are trying. All the while, you are basically maybe, I don't know, collecting all Peter Parker's little secrets. Any of those little moments where you're kind of maybe a couple of drinks are basically maybe, I don't know, collecting all Peter Parker's little secrets. Okay. Any of those little moments where you're kind of maybe a couple of drinks deep, you reveal something, you remove it, and you keep it down. Can Spider-Man get drunk? I don't think he would be able to.

What? Get drunk? Spider-Man probably can't get drunk. He can't get drunk. He's not got that much of a healing factor. He can get Spider-Drunk. You pour a beer on a spider, he'll get Spider-Man drunk. Also, what's the time span on this?

You didn't give me one? Like 10 years? No, no, no, but that's what I mean. 20 years? Whatever. Can you, okay, so your, say it's your wedding. It's funny, it's funny just to wait so long that by the time you like, pull back the rug, Miles Morales is just behind you and snaps your neck.

Oh no! Like, Miles, what the fuck? Miles, I just... It was annoying. Fair enough. He was my best friend. I was his best man

at his wedding. So say, okay, you're at Spider-Man's 50th. Yeah. It's his 50th birthday party. Yeah. You're a couple beers deep.

You're sitting in a hot tub, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Have you still been doing crime for the last 20 years? No! He left the fucking syndicate to just us.

Come on, dude! It's just everyone says, look out, it's the worm and ugly beetle. And I'm like, you don't even have the hot beetle to compare me to. So 20 years later. Yeah. Spider-Man's 50th.

You haven't been doing crime for 20 years. I have not. Yeah. But this is... And let's say that the slight you're fighting against is Spider-Man in one of his encounters with us. He called you Bug Brain. And you're like, I am going to ruin this man's life.

What are you going to say? You're in the hot tub. So yeah, hopefully. And he's had a couple of drinks. And I'm like, hey, Zabit man. I'm Spider-Man. Hey, man, can I just say, I value your friendship so much. You know, we don't talk about this so often but like I really value everything

you've done for me I feel really close to you right now hey it's me I really appreciate the speech you gave at my 50th it's me Harry I'm also 50 now

I'm glad that all three of us are friends and in this hot tub best friends man I think at this point I'd be sitting in the hot tub with a I'd be like yeah

best friends for life because I just don't think I can be sitting in the hot tub with a I'd be like yeah best friends for life because I just don't think I could do it I'm in too deep that's so funny we meet up with you again after 20 years and we're like

did you do it do what who are you who what oh my god it's the ugly beetle spider-man help what the fuck

I'm getting a constant from the ugly beetle what the hell that's what I mean I feel like this is a long con. I'm trying to think about what other villains have come into town. I know Doc Ock married Aunt May. That's an option.

Make him your son. That's already powerful. And then it's just like... So just clarifying with the Aunt May, Doc Ock thing. So Doc Ock did that solely to get closer to Spider-Man? I don't remember. Or is it a coincidence I think it's love

I think the implication is that it's real love because Spider-Man assumes the whole time that it's not wasn't it gold it could have been gold I don't remember I don't know if it was like yes it was either love or Doc Ock needed gold I think it's Doc Ock needed gold but the mole man

married Aunt May for love. Yeah. Famous Fantastic Four villain, Mole Man. First Fantastic Four villain. Married Aunt May for love, but then Mole Man was like, No one ever marries the thing. Everyone wants to marry Mole Man, no one marries the thing. Always the Mole Man, never a thing.

Only CM Masters marries the thing. Well, good for them she's blind isn't she yeah yeah she doesn't she doesn't care

she likes how much his rocks feel yeah it's nice it's like dating a house yeah well marrying Aunt May

let's explore that option alright alright alright making Peter Parker your son seducing Aunt May she likes you know a little bit of you know like um well it depends oncing Aunt May. She's like a little bit of... Well, it depends on which Aunt May.

I'm thinking the 90s Aunt May where she is all this shit. Frail, gilf Aunt May. So the one that's like ready to die. She's like 90. I say, hey baby, do you know what gilf means? And she says, hang on a second.

Hello, Peter. I'm being. No, no, no. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. I want to marry you for your son. Peter, honey, I'm going to need you to come down and fight this man.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. She just hits you with her handbag. Yeah. That's me done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe. I don't know. What does she do? Well, because, fuck, fuck. She just hits you with her handbag. Yeah. That's me done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe, I don't know. What does she do? Well, because, yeah,

it depends. Because I think that if you're going for the, if you're talking about the Sam Raimi Aunt May, it's not happening. You're too late. Yeah.

Too, yeah. I think Aunt May's, if you're going to marry Aunt May realistically, it needs to be a situation where kind of like a, it would have to honestly be like a Marissa to Aunt May situation where Uncle Ben dies when they haven't been much younger. So she is still not elderly.

But the elderly love to bone. I know they love to fuck, but But the elderly love to bone. Yeah. I know they love to fuck, but they're not going to get remarried. Yeah, that's true. They might. They might. No one's getting, no one, why? They might.

What do you mean why? For love. For love. Hey, we're 80, let's get married. That happens all the time. People get married whenever, dude. People get married because it's going to be like, okay, yeah. No, when they're 80 They marry

They marry someone that's hot And he's fucking them If you're Rupert Murdoch Yes Yeah But if you're a Joe Scum citizen Yeah

It happens all the time And then that means that You know in the When she passes on God bless You get all the money I get all the money Yeah

And I love money Yeah I love money I'll be Aunt May's boy toy. Whatever, dude. I'm thinking, although this might be a good idea. I don't know. Peter Parker, he is a

teacher at this point. Now, who are very cruel? Children. Children, famously. So the idea could be here if we could try and maybe try and get another job. Okay.

Or get a job at that school as a teacher or whatever to the same sort of like, you know, student body as him. Yeah. But then we try and turn the students against him. Okay. Because like, you know, it's a, Spider-Man, he loved the crack wires. Yeah. Villains call him Sandy Eyes and all that. Yeah, yeah.

And so, you know, he's very. Bug brain. You know, it hurts deep. Yeah, dude eyes and all that. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, he's very bug brain. You know, it just hurts deep. Yeah, dude, it cuts you. I think a good way to kind of, you know, cut through that is that sort of, I don't know, that je ne sais quoi of a teenage boy trying to just be like, no, you're wrong. And then just keep saying that over and over again

and just seeing that frustration in previous teachers of ours. So how are you making that happen as a teacher? Say I'm the teenage boy, and you want me to stay. Well, the thing is, you have to kind of, yeah, that's the thing. How do you try to convince a school or a student body to basically, like, you know, try and going after one particular teacher? Or as you know, like, you're going, I shouldn't tell you this, but, and you kind of like, you know, you give something like a little bit of information. I shouldn't tell you this,

but Peter Parker's Spider-Man. And his uncle's dead. I think it'd be a bit more subtle. His uncle's fucking dead. Dude. Make fun of him about that in class

or something. It's so funny. Like, it's like more, like you can have an aunt and an uncle, but he's just got an aunt and his uncle's dead.

I'm just trying to say, okay, again, trying to think of like the students that really picked on some of the teachers back when i was in high school what was it that we all were able to sense the dying gazelle yeah because teenagers the reason that teachers would really struggle with this is one teenagers don't really have proper apathy. Yeah. And, like, will pick on things that you would never do as an adult, whether it be, like, just, like, unnecessarily cutting things

or, alternatively, things that don't really make sense. Someone's frustrated. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's going to be very tricky for you as a teacher. But as a teacher, trying. Because if you try, if you ask, ask like one of those kids back off to class and you're like hey

make fun of you're getting made fun of and now I'm into you so yeah you can't just be so you can't be obvious about it you gotta be subtle about it

I think you got a 21 jump straight you got I'm thinking maybe you got a 21 jump straight maybe either with an image inducer or something like that where hello fellow teens yeah exactly

yo Mr. Parker dead uncle yeah With an image inducer or something like that where, hello, fellow teens. Yeah, exactly. Yo, Mr. Parker. Dad, uncle. Every other kid turning and looking at you like, what the fuck? Hey. His uncle's dead. Michael's alive. So what do you think about that?

How did you find that out? He's got a vibe. People talk. I don't know. I don't know. People talk, I listen. Yeah know I don't know People talk I listen Yeah I don't know It's like oh

Urge your work No cause like A teenager would make fun Of Peter Parker For like stupid stuff Like Urge your work For a newspaper Photo

Photo taken Motherfucker He's stupid Oh click click With the camera Taking photos lately Mr. Parker No

Yeah Yeah That sounds photos lately mr. Parker That sounds right hey mr. Parker hey mr. Parker look at me I'm you Stop doing that I did take photos Mr. Parker won't take a selfie for your job And it's also gonna be the implication that it's more than just taking photos. Taking photos means something else. Did you take photos of dogs, sir? I took photos of those things. Spider-Man.

Why is that funny? What's funny about that? No, wait. No, that is a good end because you're like, but wasn't that you, sir? Are you Spider-Man, sir? Sir, did you just, sir, didn't you sell selfies? I don't think Spider-Man's, which we've spoken about in the past, his maniac plan of being like, I'm just friends with Spider-Man.

That is not going to hold up under the questioning of a teenage boy. Oh, and also, again, when if you, I guess we don't know, the world doesn't know. No, it's just us. Just us, just us, just us. But then everybody in class, when you're like, I'll use Spider-Man, and Peter Parker't know. No, it's just us. Just us, just us, just us. Put down everybody in class when you're like, aren't you Spider-Man? And Peter Parker's like, no, he's just my friend.

Just your friend. Oh, yeah. Taking heaps of photos of your friend. Are you? Taking heaps of photos of friends for money. And yet, when I suggest I make an OnlyFans, I have to go to the principal and learn about ethics and shit. That's crazy because you're not a student.

Did that happen while you were waiting? Peter Parker's like, who are you? You're like, I'm going to make an OnlyFans. I'm a 21 Jump Street in this. What? I'm a 40-year-old man. Holy shit. Someone call the police.

What happened there? I don't know. Everything was going to plan and then... You just admitted it all. Brain got, yeah. No, but I think there's something there to really... Because it is that just like, nah. As a teenage boy, just nah.

He's my friend. No, he's not. He's you. He hates you. He's not afraid he hates you. He told me. If you know that yes

Peter Parker Spider-Man you get a job there you could always kind of subtly try and let the students be like oh did you know

that yeah Mr. Parker yeah it's crazy in a previous job yeah he took a lot of pictures of Spider-Man I think like that's where he made

his career I think do you reckon he like is Spider-Man you know well he's trained with Spider-Man but I don't know throw that out

to the students You're careful though because if you uh well they like question it too much make them try and think yeah Like don't be like why you love spider-man so much Who are you fucking John spider-man? Good about it. Oh, you're thinking a spider-Man. No, I just like- Do you got a fucking Spider-Man t-shirt? No, I was just like- I was just like thinking about it. Yeah? I was thinking of Spider-Man, are ya? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do you like to think of your spider dick?

No! I don't! You wanna be a spider wife? I think about pussy! I think about spider pussy! Doesn't sound like it. Oh, fuck! Are you not accusing-

He's thinking about spider pussy. He wants to fuck a spider! No, I don't! I don't wanna fuck anything! I wanna fuck everything! And then I'm crying in the toilet. Yeah. I hate this school!

Mr. Jackson wants to fuck a spider! Yeah. I hate this want to fuck anything. I want to fuck everything. And then I'm crying in the toilet. I hate this school. Mr. Jackson wants to fuck a spider. Oh, I was the teacher. I assumed I was 21 job streaming. It's funny because I could just leave this school whenever I want. I hate this school, and I hate all my friends. Yeah, you've got to do it subtly.

If you become, say, a history teacher, that kind of thing, and you start talking about history class. Here's the kind of thing, and it's just like, you start talking about like, you know, history class. Here's the history of why Spider-Man's a cunt. Again, subtly.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe not that way, but something like, if you're learning about the history of like, you know, whatever, and it's like,

oh yeah, people can kind of move careers or whatever, and you're like, you know, like, you know, oh, like myself,

and you kind of, you say, I was either a, I was a chef or something in my life or whatever, and you're like, oh yeah, like Mr. Parker. He was a photographer.

He took a lot of pictures of Spider-Man back in the day for Deadly Bugle. Anyway, you kind of want to leave that subtly. You leave it in there. You kind of let the student body do with that what they want. Could you be like, you know, I've got an example of that. Here's some photos that Mr. Parker took of Spider-Man. And then you put them on the screen. And then you're like, hang on a sec. That looks like Mr. Parker, of Spider-Man and then you put them on the screen and then you're like, hang on a sec.

That looks like Mr. Parker, everybody, doesn't it? And then you've alerted the student body. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That would... I mean, if... You've got to get more. I would probably... More.

I heard your motor charging then. No, no, no, no. I was like, that would just get you in exactly the same spot that you were in last. Hey, look at your photos of Spider-Man. Oh, hang on. Oh, hang on a second.

Is that Mr. Parker? Let me have a look. Here's how the students respond to that. I was on my phone. What are you talking about? Get off your phone! He belongs to me!

Are you a teacher now? You keep flitting, but I thought he was. I thought I was. I was saying you're teaching history. But you could be teaching, say, superheroes and the history of superheroes, superhero antics or whatever like that would be part of a curriculum. Absolutely.

And you would be like, we're talking about whatever that happened, and then you'd be like, pitch a Spider-Man, but photo credit would be like Peter Parker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, again, you're not trying to do that, Jack. You're not trying to be like, who's that? You're just having it there subtly. Yeah.

So that you kind of want them to figure it out. So let's assume the kids figure it out. Yeah. What then? Again, what you want to try and do is leave it into their hands. Yeah, so the kids have it in their hands. Then what? The kids tell everyone.

It spreads throughout the school. Hey, I think that Mr. Parker is Spider-Man. Is it just the idea that Crossbones shoots Peter Parker? Is that what we're trying to do here? I don't know, dude. Yeah, it's your plan. I'm just trying to know, how do you get the Spider-Man? That's so funny, though.

That's not what your intention is. And you spread it throughout the school. And then just like you come in one day all the other teachers are really sad. What happened? I don't know. Peter Parker got shot

when they got caught. Oh shit. Fuck dude. By a super villain. Crossbones? Crossbones. Crossbones. Yeah.

Well surely the moment Peter Parker dies like it becomes knowledge that he was Spider-Man. Yeah, for sure. Do you come back to the Beatle gang? So you've got to jump out of high school, spread all of this stuff, put two and two together for the students so that they also figured out Peter Parker's Spider-Man. Then it's spread throughout the students, then it's spread to their parents, presumably, then somehow it got to Crossbones.

He shot Spider-Man in the head and then it comes back to you and then we're waiting we're like and you're in a staff meeting where everyone's crying and mourning

Peter Parker and then what you look out into the car park the beetle mobile is there me and Dusha are waiting in our uniforms yeah yeah yeah smash cut to

the funeral I knew Peter very well he came to Ben yeah he, he gets into a bin. The beat-a-mobile is in the background at the cemetery. Beep, beep. I called him a... Beep! And the horn's like, bugs! Bugs, bugs, bugs! Bugs, bugs, bugs! Bugs, bugs, bugs!

Bro, he's at this funeral, there's bags to rob. In a beetle way. I know, Spider-Man can't even stop us. Now it's just Worm and the ugly beetle. He was a complicated name. Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! We can't rob a bank without two beetles and one worm.

It doesn't work. But I think it's funny that you're trying to go the psychological damage route. But you haven't really done anything that would do psychological damage. You just keep ending up entwined in his life where you haven't really done anything that would do psychological damage You just keep ended up entwined in his life where you you can't really do anything from the position You're putting yourself in yeah, because you can fuck your life Piece of shit. Yeah Gaslighting or whatever. That's the easier route you find out so you find out who Peter Parker is Yeah, so yeah, like you could go beat up his aunt or whatever

But like that all that's gonna result in result in is Spider-Man coming to you and punching you so hard at the top of the head that your face comes out of your arsehole. He crangs you. Your face goes down, he tears your belly open, and you're like, oh my god! Don't beat up my aunt! Don't beat up my aunt And that's funny He's like If I was Peter Parker And I was fighting you

I would assume You had some strength From your womb costume And then Yeah To find out No No I'm just crying

It's very weird To like yeah Try to psychologically Go after a man With these All he's like you know Is a mask So he's like

I have no almost empathy there Because you have giant bug eyes Yeah And you're probably a spider And you find all this out And you're like He's just a boy He's just a No have no almost empathy there because you have giant bug eyes. Yeah. And you're probably a spider. And you find all this out. You're like, he's just a boy. He's just a fella. Yeah, but even just like, so yeah, Aunt May, you find out, so you know where she lives.

Yeah. Because Peter Parker thinks his identity's secret. Presumably his house just has regular security for a house. Aunt May goes to the shops, break in. Just, I don't know, change stuff around in the fridge. Take a shit in the toilet. Don't flush. Okay.

Peter comes over and he's like, May, take a shit in the toilet don't flush Peter comes over and he's like me. Did you shit in the toilet and not flush and she's like But Danny starts getting stressed Shits What is regular shit? What are you doing? He's monitoring our shit. Now remember, mate, before you flush, call me in so I can come over and look at your shit. It's so funny imagining you in your worm costume, crouching, listening, being like, what the fuck? This is going to be easier than I thought.

This family's fucked up. You don't have to go that insane. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you do. Cause you do, no, no, no, no, play this out. Cause if you go like that crazy, then Peter Parker's like, what the fuck? What's happening? So like, yeah.

And then nothing happens for a couple more days and you do it again. You don't have to take a shit. You can take a shit. Maybe take a shit in the shower. Yep. Okay. Hey. You're kinda doing doing the George Clooney kitty litter prank, but for an old woman instead of a cat.

What about instead? You know where he lives. All you've got to do is break in, sure, but why don't we, I don't know, say put bed bugs down. Bed bugs. He'd infest the whole house. What if you sleep in his bed while he's sleeping? No. Shit his bed. And he. What if you sneak into his bed while he's sleeping? No. Shit his bed.

No. And he wakes up and thinks he shot the bat. No, you never want to be there when Peter Parker's around. He's asleep. That just results in you getting beaten up. That just results in you getting your neck choked while you're shooting. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

You're right. So, but like you just go to the house, like maybe you break a pipe or something. Okay. And he's like, what is happening? Okay. And then you just, what is happening? Okay. And then you just ramp it up more and more. How dumb do you think Peter is? What?

And they have security, right? They would have security cameras. Would they? Well, wouldn't they? I don't know. I mean. If he's got a secret identity. Okay, so he's like a Google camera or like a.

That would probably draw more attention. Having a basic security system? I don't think so. Not in Queens if it's okay if it's basic sure but if it's anything more than that

so then what okay so he's like mysterious shit's happening in the house okay so even okay basic security system it's pretty easy to outsmart a basic

security system say you're not you're not detected wear a mask and then break the camera he's like I must find the man who did this

yeah but so he pipe breaks he's like I'm spending a man who did this Yeah A pipe breaks He's like I'm spending a lot of money getting plumbers to fix shit in my house So then he's gonna work harder And Peter Parker already struggles for money And then Aunt May's getting more stressed Because things are going wrong

And Peter's getting frustrated thinking that she's doing it What's the end game? To drive a wedge into them Peter Parker's become psychologically damaged From excessive stress and I don't know, maybe goes too far with a villain one day,

kills them. Not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good to put that caveat in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't happen to me. Doesn't happen to me. Maybe just like punches

the hobgoblin's head clean off or whatever. And then he spirals real hard. Everyone in the city really hates him. He starts more than they already do. Why do they hate him more?

Because he's got mysterious shits in his house. No, because he's... Because he killed that green goblin that one we loved. Oh, he killed the hobgoblin. Yeah.

Because we love the goblin. Or maybe he made a speech or something after a fight and was like, this town doesn't respect me. My pipes are fucked! And how much money I spend on plumbing!

Alternatively, he's got less time to Spider-Man, because he needs to save money. Maybe he cracks and he robs it back. What about this? If you keep breaking his house, and he has to keep spending money, and then every time, because if I was Spider-Man, I'd be thinking this, every time he gets the key to the city,

or the mayor thanks him, I would want to be like, hey man, can you fix my house my house for free so i'm so fucking skint right now dude i'm so poor could we could we get spider-man just through bureaucracy yeah okay because if you know where he lives yeah maybe you start reporting that particular house for like any sort of like uh you know issues okay you're like i don't think those you know uh windows are up to code or Oh, hey, they're loud music. Putting in noise complaints every night. That's good.

Being like, I think I saw someone breaking into the house. Someone was crawling on the roof. Something's going on there. I heard shots from inside the house. SWAT Spider-Man. How do you stop this getting back to you, though? Because if Spider-Man, I mean, obviously he's not going to kill you, because he doesn't do that.

But if he finds out it's you, there will be some repercussions, right? Yeah, you might get cranged. Yeah. I mean, and then, well, if, because, like, if you're making complaints about it, he's just like, you're an annoying neighbor. Yeah. Sort of thing.

And if he finds out, then what? I guess it's kind of like he's got to make a complaint against me that I'm a vexatious complainer or whatever. I know that it's in bad faith and a terrible thing to do, but I think swatting Peter Parker might actually be a good idea. Because he'll be in a situation where his- Spider sense will be going all over the place. Oh, May's going to have a heart attack. Absolutely.

Yeah. Spider-Sense will be going all over the place. Art May's going to have a heart attack. But on top of that, it will be really hard for him not to react in a way that he wants to, but he won't be able to. All you've got to do is wait until you genuinely see Spider-Man, you know, breaking into his house or whatever, crawling on the roof, going into the room, you can record that or something like that.

You know, you can have a lot of plausible liability. Absolutely. Also, when they swat your house, I mean, they're in your house. They'll probably be searching it for whatever you said's there. I mean, I don't know where Spider-Man hides his Spidey suit. Just in a drawer or whatever? No, probably like a Spider-Man hides his Spidey suit. Just in a drawer or whatever? Probably like a Spider-Man cave. It depends on...

It depends. Oh, wait. He goes into the Spider-Verse. But I think in the Sam Raimi one, he just keeps it in a drawer. So the SWAT guys will just find that and be like, this guy dresses up as Spider-Man. What an idiot.

I wouldn't necessarily make that connection. And I don't know what... Because if you know where he lives, yes, you could swat him. Yes, you could do that, and I guess that would be a ha-ha. What you could also do is maybe, what if we make a company where we want to, say, building developers.

Oh, okay, build a highway through his house. Yeah, build a highway through his house. Or we want to take over that kind of strip or whatever. Because you put Spider-Man in a position where he has to fight you as Peter Parker. Yeah. That's kind of the trick. Yeah. He can't come to you with your company, you know, Zama Tech, as Spider-Man.

No. Because you're just a guy running a business. Yeah. You're like, you're running many houses, motherfucker. Yeah. I don't care. And he's going to come to you as Peter Parker and Peter Parker is just sort of like a poor guy

The house is always on the line yeah, yeah again if we want to try and really force that issue make him lose his house Yeah, okay. We've done it. We've unhoused spider-man and then he gets a new house We've done it. We've unhoused Spider-Man. And then he gets a new house? Well, yeah. What about, I keep thinking... That's sad, because that was the house you grew up in. Yeah, exactly. He's bummed about it. And now there's a freeway there.

Yeah. Now I can get to Queens quicker. Or go through Queens. Through Queens. You can't actually get off the freeway into that area, but there's no houses. Hey, with bypass Queens, isn't that good? I don't know. I have no idea.

We fixed the traffic problem. Well, I wonder if, so Spider-Man and Aunt May, their relationship sometimes is sort of tenuous because Spider-Man's got to go out and he's got a Spider-Man throughout New York. And Aunt May's often left lonely

and alone in her house. Yeah. So what if I, a neighbor boy, come by and I just start helping Aunt May out? Yeah. I start filling the nephew slash son role that Spider-Man has left vacant. Nephew-cuck him.

I nephew-cuck Spider-Man. Yeah. I help Aunt May fix the gutters. Mow the lawn. Mow the lawn. Yeah. Hey, this could backfire in a way that I don't think you are expecting. Yes.

Peter is genuinely grateful. You're down my route. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. You're 50. He's like, man, thanks for helping out my aunt. We're best friends. Not even that.

Not even him becoming best friends. Being like, because basically what you're doing is becoming a free carer for Aunt May, which frees him up for more Spider-Man time. Yeah, but it drives a wedge between them. Also, no. And then when she dies... Peter Parker's going to be guilty as hell. Guess who's in the will, bitch?

This one. Are you going to get nothing? I'm going to get the house. Yeah. I don't think that's going to happen. I'm going to get the house and I'm going to be like, where are you going to live, Spider-Man? That's what I reveal.

That's what I reveal, I know. Where are you going to live? I'm going to get the house and I'm going to be like, where are you going to live, Spider-Man? That's when I reveal it. That's when I reveal I know. Where are you going to live? I don't know, dude. This is my house now. I live in Queens. And then you've done all of this and then you read the will properly and realize at the bottom it says, Executor of the Will Peter Parker.

And you're like, well, this was in bad faith, so you'll not get the house anymore. Uh-oh. I'm going to hire a lawyer real quick. What about? So we know Peter Parker. We forge Peter Parker's signature. Okay.

To be like, we could use- Put Aunt May up for adoption. Yeah. Then we adopt Aunt May. Yeah. She's my daughter. Yeah. You're my grandson, Spider-Man.

He's given us permission to use his copyright imagery. Okay. We then attach that to a political campaign or whatever like that. The only thing endorsed by Spider-Man. And Spider-Man would be like, no, he's not. And then we're like, well, we actually have the signature. We know who he is. And we've got the signature and everything.

It's all up and up. And then Peter Parker can be like, I can't do anything because he knows who I am and there's shit. I like that you're forging Spider-Man's signature. No, Peter Parker's signature. You think that Peter Parker is signing off on the use of Spider-Man? We forged his signature because then we can be like we've got all the documentation

from the person who is Spider-Man. I don't think that if Spider-Man wants to challenge it they'll be like alright cool. So here's the we then reveal it all. Reveal what? Spider-Man. I don't think that... And if Spider-Man wants to challenge you, they'll be like, all right, cool. Oh, so you're Peter Parker. So here's the... Yeah. We then reveal it all. Yeah.

Reveal what? That Peter Parker's Spider-Man. So you're going to forge a signature, hope that Spider-Man's like, I don't sign off on this. That's not me. He would be like that.

Peter Parker's like, oh, no, my identity. We don't want... It's like, say, it's like Spider-Man's diarrhea medicine or whatever. I got real bad diarrhea is what it says on the sign. Okay,'s like Spider-Man's diarrhea medicine or whatever. I got real bad diarrhea.

But why would the... Okay, so Spider-Man's like, I shit my pants because... I shit my pants every day. Yeah. I need diarrhea medicine bad. Yeah. And it's like the first product officially endorsed by Spider-Man. Yes.

And then you've got... Peter Parker's signature. Yes. So that signature, is that going to the public or you've just got it in your personal records? I've got it in my personal records because then if, say, I get a visit at night by a Spider-Man, I can be like, yeah, okay.

He's like, you need to stop this. I don't endorse this. I'm like, well, Peter, I think you do. I've got some documentation that Peter Parker signed off the rights to this. It'd be interesting. If you want to challenge this, I can make this public I've got some documentation that a Peter Parker signed off the rice It is it me to you if you want to challenge this Yeah, why would you be challenging it because the signature I have is Peter Puck But like so in the comics and movies and stuff like that. Yeah, there is unofficial spider-man merch everywhere

How does the first official? Attached to his name, but spider-man would just be like, I didn't... Spider-Man's racist energy drink. Yeah. It's the energy drink for racists. Yeah. But Spider-Man would just be like... Spider-Man genuinely believes this. Yeah. But then Spider-Man just comes out and is like, no.

Oh, who's going to listen to that? Who's going to listen to Spider-Man? Do you think people are going to listen to a billboard? The first official, like, yeah, like, well, again. But Spider-Man... What's he doing? Is he holding a press conference? He could.

He's done it before. All the racists love the drink, though. They're going to be so upset. That's who he's got to fight, dude. You're muddying the waters because people are like, I didn't say that, but that's a hired actor. We make another press conference and be like, I don't know who that was, but we generally

have... We've got the real Spider-Man and then we get a guy dressed like Spider-Man and he comes out and drinks the racist energy drink. I have bad opinions. And he flips away. Yeah, exactly. He's going to flip away for real. Oh, yeah.

That's a very expensive... We got the greatest imagineers Disney could offer us to do it. I think at that point, you've probably just made a bad Spider-Man, because then real Spider-Man would go fight... He's just an actor, Spider-Man. What the hell? Yeah, but those special effects made him look like

he was thwipping away oh my god you really do you are bad Spider-Man with terrible opinions well you got the good Spider-Man yeah

I think that all this takes is if you've got a Spider-Man pretending to be Spider-Man endorsing an energy drink people are either like

that wasn't Spider-Man or if they do believe in spider-man then spider-man just goes and does something at the same time and they're like well this one's fighting crime and this one's talking about a racist energy drink yeah which spider-man do you think it is and then the moment the orders no one knows what is truth i don't know no but that's what i mean so it's not gonna work either way well it's gonna piss off spider-man maybe but also people do stuff like that. I think it would piss off Spider-Man.

I mean, he's already got a newspaper dedicated to saying he's a murderer. Yeah. And is he happy about it? Yeah, but he's also used to it. Now, like, Spider-Man, he's a racist murderer. It's an extra level of like, aw, that's not me.

But you can do that without knowing Peter Parker's identity. Yeah, you have to lend need the signature for that. He has more insurance. He doesn't have to destroy me with his fist. Like, yeah. We don't really. I think a problem with a lot of our plans is we don't have an end goal. Yeah.

Because the end goal is meant to be kill Spider-Man. I don't want to kill the boy. I just want to make his life a little bit shitter. Well, what could we see? Is there some way we could could knowing his secret identity, send him to another city so we can keep doing crime in ours? You know what I mean? Get him away.

Maybe we say, because we know who he is. Because he's a pursuit of knowledge boy. Sure. He likes knowledge and whatnot. He likes to study. Plant fake science. I was going to say, could we try and get him to go to a different university? Okay. Yeah, with fake science. You're to say Could we try and get him To go to a different Like university Oh okay

Yeah with fake science You're like Whoa the University of Edinburgh Yeah Has discovered New bugs Huh

Spider-Man Spider-Man You want to see That new bug You got to enroll In a Three year course Yeah

I'm not really like A bug scientist Yeah but you are Because of spiders You know you love spiders What scientist What type of because of Spider-Man. You love spiders. What type of scientist is Spider-Man? He never got his PhD. Doc Ock was like, what?

And then he goes and does it himself. But what specific branch of science? I'd say tech. Tech science. That's not really one of the branches. But it's in the world of superheroes. Like electrical engineering? Robotics?

Robotics? Well, I think Doc Ock does. He's a robotic? When he's possessing Spider-Man's body. How does that happen, by the way? I've never known this. Doc Ock is dying and he goes to the hospital and Peter Parker is there. And basically, to save Doc Ock, they do a mind switch.

And Peter Parker's brain is in Doc Ock's body, or mind, Doc Ock's body, and Doc Ock is in his because Spider-Man is a selfless boy. So Spider-Man dies. Doc Ock's body is like, and then Doc Ock in Spider-Man's body is like, I will be the superior Spider-Man and does that. So Peter Parker just suddenly is like, I will be the superior Spider-Man. And does that. So Peter Parker just suddenly is like, oh man, I feel so bad that this villain of mine is dying. Time to kill myself?

No, there's some other mumbo-jumbo that happens. There's wizards, man. There's wizards in this realm. I don't think it's wizards of this squad, but something happens, they switch brains. I think it might also be a harebra brain scheme by Doc Ock to switch brains. Yeah.

Or switch minds, at least, or bodies or whatever. Fair enough. That's not fair enough. I wanted... You wanted significantly more than you got there. I knew that it was a mind switch, but... Doc Ock is dying, and I think it's to do with, like, this is my last... Maybe he's like, oh, Peter Peter Parker come visit me on my deathbed

but it's all like a big scheme to be like I'm gonna switch brains with you and then you're gonna die and I'm gonna be Spider-Man yeah can we do a thing knowing Peter Parker's name

where we sign him up for like a bunch of cruisers and he just goes on holiday and while he's on holiday we do all the crimes we want well yeah like if we were like we're planning a spree

when Spider-Man was far from home yeah exactly it was probably a safe time to do Queens. Instead of signing up for, what about we, um, we make fake competition, right? Okay. And it's just like,

you've won an all-expense-paid trip to Europe for six months. Uh-huh. And all we have to do is, like, make sure that, you know, we put it on our credit cards. Mm-hmm.

Because all we gotta do is make sure that we rob enough banks I see. Because all we're going to do is make sure that we rob enough banks. I see. Well, here's a way to pay that off and a little bit extra for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And maybe we're like,

and if you stay in Europe the whole time, it's also a competition. If you stay in Europe the whole time, we will buy your house for you, so you'll own it. You won't have to rent anymore. Another idea is similar to that. Will we somehow try to convince Aunt May

to get on the Amazing Race? similar to that. We somehow try to convince Aunt May to get on the Amazing Race. She's in the Amazing Race with her nephew. Yes. Because that's a lot of filming. There's a lot of cameras.

A lot of cameras. He can't do shit. He's got to be there. This is a good idea. Peter Parker on reality TV. He's in the Big Brother house. He's got to do Big Brother. He can't go be Spider-Man.

And we rig it somehow so that he's never voted off. And in that six months, we were upset. The Beatle Gang reigns supreme. Beatles and Worm reign supreme. A hundred years. Beatles and Worm. We make so much dosh and then Spider-Man gets out

and we're ghosts. And he doesn't even care anymore because he's won one million dollars or whatever winning Big Brother. Do you think? He's got a lot of new enemies, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The public. Yeah, he speaks his mind too often.

Do you think if Spider-Man disappeared for six months at the set? And so, because, sorry, Peter Parker goes on Big Brother. For six months, Peter Parker is no longer in New York. Therefore, for six months, Spider-Man isn't in New York. Do you think people would be like, where's Spider-Man? It's not going to be the same. Where's Spider-Man, but then no one's going to put one and one and be like,

Peter Parker. But the nation's watching Big Brother. Okay, so the nation's watching Big Brother. Everyone involved in Big Brother is in the Big Brother house. And that's just one thing that's happening in that six months. Yeah, that's true. There's probably cruises,

holidays, fucking whatever. Fell in a hole. He could be dead. He could be dead. That's true, that's true. No one knows. I was just wondering

if there's some way we could correlate those two for the New York public. I think that if we just want to get a break so that we can rob banks or whatever, Big Brother's a great call.

Yeah. So yeah, any reality TV where he has to be going away for a bit. I think that's good. And that he will get a monetary prize that he can spend on fixing his house and making his Peter Parker life less crummy. Yeah. I think that's the best move.

I think that's smart. So, yeah, either we nominate him for a bunch of it or, like, yeah, I think that's the way. You nominate him. Sometimes we've got to weasel our way on the production. Yeah, exactly. We can do that. That's fine.

That's easy. Yeah, we've got Worm and the Beetle here. Yeah. Exactly. We're unstoppable, baby. I'll dig a hole, and then on the other side, I'll dig the other part of the hole. Do we have fouls? You get the powers of a worm, you can dig a hole.

We get the powers of beetles. I think the best way is, yeah, to make sure that Peter Parker fucks off for a good amount of time that we can rob as many banks as we feel like. It is so funny to imagine when we were like, we put him on a fake cruise where at the end of it

he gets money, but we need to rob banks while he's away to pay for the cruise. Yes. And just at the end of it we're like, we did it. We broke even.

We broke even and Peter Parker's rich. Actually, less because of interest and credit card. Yeah. Damn it. We made Peter Parker rich. And ourselves poor.

And we've been crippled financially. And our lives will never be the same. Fuck yeah. But at least we still have the Beatlemobile. Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! There's multiple horns. Yeah, we've each got one. One horn each.

Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! Bug! One horn each. It's like a company of... Bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, bug, but there's a cough and you're like, bug, bug, bug, bug. They're like, oh, they just pressed the button. I know who it's going to be. They announced themselves before every robbery. Yeah. Give them time to set up security measures. That's our main trick.

Maybe bring up Spider-Man. Well, I guess if you're sort of an up-and-coming villain and you need the publicity. Yeah, you want to at least go somewhat toe-to-toe with Spider-Man. The only thing is, fighting Spider-Man is a one-way ticket to jail. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, he webs his shit out. Yeah, good point. And then he also insults us by calling us bug brains.

That's when we start scheming. How dare he call me bug brains, dude? He called us all bug brains. I have a man's brain in my bug costume. Yeah. And it fucks me up he doesn't know that. What the hell? Does he think that my brain is the size of a beetle's brain?

I don't even know what it means, dude. Do beetles even have brains? I don't know. Worms probably got in there at shoe. Got a brain, but like little brains, right? Like little tiny ones. Is he calling us stupid? Or is he saying we have smart analytical brains, like a bug?

If I was an actual worm, I'd be able to slither out of this. You can dig. I can dig, but we're hanging from a light post. Does he think I'm a beetle? Because I don't have an exoskeleton. No, it's just a costume. Is he an idiot? I didn't get time to take off my helmet to show him.

Hey, bug brain. No, no, no. No, no, no. I'm a guy. He's gone. He punches you so the helmet gets stuck. Ah, no.

As he punches you, you just hear as the, like, it suctions the flunk. Oh, fuck. I'm not going to be able to get this off, dude. How am I going to eat?

I'm going to have to shave my head. It's like, hey, bug brain. He's just eating the bread box. He's like, oh. Wait a second. Do you think I'm a bug? Do you think I'm a bug? Are shave my head. It's like, hey, bug, Brady, just in the bread basket. You're like, oh, wait a second. Do you think I'm a bug? Do you think I'm a bug? Are you a fucking moron, Spider-Man?

Next time he sees me, I've smashed in the eye hole so I can eat a hot dog through my face. I can't eat any other way, Spider-Man. You fucking wrecked my life. And as you can see, I'm a human being. I'm a man. I'm a man that loves hot dogs, thankfully, because they're the only food I've managed to eat. To fit through the little hole that I made with my gigantic bug eyes.

I'd slurp it down through my mouth. Just seeing the tip of the hot dog coming out of it. Spider-Man's like, that's disgusting. No, it's awesome. It's like stopping, swinging back. Wait a second. Did you think that I think That you were an actual bug? Yes

Because you called me bug brain Yeah, because it's an insult Because you're stupid You're a stupid man This isn't very funny Your jokes aren't funny or clever, they're just hurtful It's like walking over, what? You're just being really mean to me

You're robbing a bank And I'm hanging upside down with a hot dog in my eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah So you just thought I was I like that you got caught later like you left the bank robbery to go buy a hot dog I need to find something to punch your eyes in it Yes, you were like Jackson wait out here in the getaway in the bug mobile We'll let you know when we're coming out with the money, and I'm like yeah, and they're taking a while And I'm worried about this helmet being punched onto my head. A hot dog I could fit through a hole.

Yeah. Getting a hammer. A hot dog guy. A hot dog guy will have a ball peen hammer I can use. When I'm there, I might as well get a hot dog. I'm there for the ball peen hammer. He'll definitely have it. Yeah.

But then I'll get a hot dog cuz I am hungry And I can't be a getaway driver on an empty stomach. No I think hot woman hot bug in the world would want me to get a hot dog Yeah, and then when I turn around and you're both standing there like this with big bags of money I'm like don't worry. I got a hot dog. Did you get one for me? No? Spiderman yeah then all of a sudden we all get thwipped off. Yeah. And my hot dog slides out my eye

and lives underground. See several pigeons eat it. Fuck. This is the worst torture I could ever experience. Watching pigeons eat my hot dog. It's not even going to be good when I get down from here. Fuck my life.

Yeah, so I guess it is tricky to get to Spider-Man through the people he loves. But you can give it a red hot go. I think he could reveal his secret identity and it'd be fine. Yeah, the trick, if any advice I guess I would have for anyone looking to do this in the future is just make sure you pick something you're not going to get lost in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the long con seems easy and appealing,

but by the time you get to the reveal part... You've been in it so long, you won't want to do it. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. Because if you're out of crime for too long... Anyway, but yeah, good luck to all those anti-Spider-Man people out there. We wish you the best.

Give it a crack. Let us know maybe how you will do. Yeah, we'll get Peter Parker through his loved ones. Because honestly, I think our band is worthwhile. I don't know. Maybe you should just shoot Aunt May in the head. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Take our advice. I don't know, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Take our advice. I don't know, dude. I guess.