Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Keep a Secret Identity?

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

Keeping your identity secret is a time honoured tradition in the super heroing community, so what happens when three bumbling idiots try their best to conceal their identities from the public? Introducing Lead Lad, he may be a CEO of many companies and a tech genius but he’s not in that hi-tech mech suit that he designed. That’s a body guard and or a robot! You may know him as Scorpiman, the menace of New York but he’s actually just a mild-mannered reporter looking for the news! Have you found it? Let us know! And last but not least, the mysterious King Hit! He’s wrapped in bandages and we’ve never seen him throw a punch, but his sidekick Punching Bag seems eternally uneasy with their alliance! So listen in as these three amazing superheroes fight crime and protect their identity!Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. So in comic book movies,

sometimes even just regular book, game, TV show, there are characters whom, for various reasons, often they have superpowers, they want to protect their family, they keep a secret identity. So is there any particular ones you want to focus on? Because I think you can kind of have some archetypes here of like, say,

Spider-Man doesn't want anyone to know who he is because he's afraid that they'll kill Mary Jane and Aunt May. Batman, I guess he doesn't, he keeps his secret identity because he doesn't want to give up his money. Yeah, fair enough.

And then in the comics, Iron Man, but I think for similar reasons of Batman. Yeah, okay. So how do we protect our money and our loved ones? And I guess for argument's sake, because often like someone... Superman's a weird one because he keeps his secret identity. But if someone comes after his loved ones he could stop it he's Superman yeah that is true

yeah but he can't be everywhere at once yeah but he can be close to everywhere he can he's just making sure well shall we each but I guess he's not

he's not that careful because he puts on he puts on some glasses and hunches yeah which is great and it works it does work

well let's forsake a variety let's each pick a superpower just a random just pick one just because some people have superpowers some people don't It works. It does work. Well, let's forsake a variety. Let's each pick a superpower. Just a random, just pick one. Just because some people have superpowers, some people don't. I mean, you can pick money or whatever is your superpower. Just to get some diversity in the kinds of things we're keeping secret. Okay, okay, okay, cool.

Well, I'm going to go Tone. Okay. Wealth and gadgets. Wealth and gadgets, yeah. I'll go like a Spider-Man type thing I'll take the powers Of the scorpions Good good good

Good good good Yeah So like His power is suit No no Mine's natural Okay So you just grew

A scorpion tail So not like Scorpion the Spider-Man villain Scorpion The beast of the desert Yeah you were Bitten by a radioactive

Scorpion Yeah just for Copyright reasons I don't like Spider-Man Yeah yeah yeah And I have Scorpion, the beast of the desert. You were bitten by a radioactive scorpion. Just for copyright reasons. I don't like Spider-Man. What's a lesser iron? Lead. Lead lad. I'm Scorpi-Man.

Well, you've got to go the Superman route. No, I don't. You don't have to. Go some kind of power, I guess. Time travel. This is going to be a hard one to keep on the wraps. Can you explain your powers? Tell me what you mean by time travel, sir.

So I travel in time. Okay. Oh. Of course. So every time I punch, I go back five minutes. What? So you've never punched. What?

To fight crime. So I punch a guy and then I go back five minutes in time. I can stop the crime. You go back five minutes in time to five minutes prior to you. You haven't punched him yet. Yeah. Okay. Let's role play a little scenario.

Okay. I'm mugging Xavit. Yeah. Okay. I see. You see. I guess it's not going to take you five minutes to get up to me. No.

So wait, do you go back five minutes in time to where you were five minutes ago, or are you five minutes in time there? I imagined I was going back into my own body. So you have knowledge punches. You punch a guy, you're back in the street seeing the crime. Or you can yell out at the guy. Get out of here! That's a very, because what you could do,

you're like premonitions, but only for five minutes in the future. But I guess if I did a double punch, that's ten's 10 minutes well you could get like a speed you do with kicks too kicks don't count speedball like just oh yeah yeah because you keep punching so you just wait 20 years and then your arms can get sore back you go 20 years or not or is it like you punch and that's five minutes i reckon i if the moment it builds up until I stop punching So I can go one two And that's fine and that's ten minutes Or one two three four

Or yeah speedball it So if you wanted to say you're Like there's a shady corporation A kingpin situation You break in and you're like I need to know how this whole Thing started Can you define a punch? What do you mean?

Closed fist. Yeah. Closed fist hit. You've got to hit something? Yeah. Someone? You've got to hit someone. So if I miss the air, I'm going to punch in the air.

Yeah. If you air ball it. What if you do one of these? Doesn't count. Doesn't count? What if we fist bump? Doesn't count. Okay.

Oh, fist bump would count, I reckon. Why doesn't it count? Well, no fist bump? Doesn't count. Okay. Oh, fist bump would count, I reckon. Why doesn't it count? Well, no, a fist bump would count. Why doesn't punching yourself count? Because you've got to touch another person. You're going to punch yourself? Yeah. Okay, okay, okay.

Which is why a fist bump would work. Yeah, yeah. Or a friendly punch on the shoulder would work too. I'd go five minutes back in time and be like, I can't wait to do that again. I'm going to hit him harder this time. Punching the shoulders become less friendly. I keep going back in time and getting angrier at this guy.

And it has to connect with a person? Yeah, it has to connect with a person. What about a dog, say? A living person. No, it has to be a human being. Okay. Oh, that's going to fuck me valiance. Or you're fighting Gorilla Grodd or some shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog you hate. Dog you hate, yeah. Oh, that's going to fuck me valians. Or you're fighting Gorilla Grodd or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Doggyway. Doggyway, yeah. Also, I think that, yeah, all right. No, I reckon human being, and I just have a really strong sidekick. And then if things go bad, I just punch the sidekick. Okay. Punching bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Punching bag and king hit. King hit. Yes. Awesome. Okay. And Scorpion Man and Leatherlap. Yeah. Okay. King Hit. Yes. Awesome. Okay. And Scorpion Man and Led Lab.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Cool. Wait, was that King Hit or Punching Bag? Well, you're King Hit because he's a punching bag.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could be like, we're in a real spot of bother, Punching Bag. Then you're back in time. Yeah. Punching Bag, obviously,

will know your secret identity. He's the man who beats the shit out of me. But Punching Bag doesn't know because that was Future Punching identity. He's the man who beats the shit out of me. But the punching bag doesn't know because that was future punching bag. That's true. And, you know, you'd be fighting this guy. I'll be wearing a mask or whatever.

He doesn't have to know. He doesn't have to know. Yeah, so you'd be fighting this guy and then suddenly King Hit is like, oh, this is how we defeat him. Punching bag is like... I suspect this guy's been punching me quite a bit. My name was starting to make more sense to me.

Oh, yeah. Because every single time I punch him would be the first time because I'm going back in time. He'd be like, why am I called Punching Bag? You know, I've never actually seen him hit a guy. Because you are so good at punching like a bag. And his name is King here but I've never

seen him hit anyone what do we do all the time how do you stop we just roll into situations he just knows what's about to happen

how do you stop a crime what do we do every day so yeah when I go out fighting yeah

when you at punching bag go out fighting crime When you and Punching Man Go out fighting crime What does it look like? Yeah okay You've seen It depends What does it look like for me

Or what does it look like For Punching Man You you you So you've seen Scorpion Man Try to mug Landline I'm a villain

No no no He thinks it's a Villainous situation happening But really we're just sparring Yeah alright Because we're heroes Yeah We're like

He's gonna like We're like ha haha, and you come up and then you punch. Okay, I've got my Scorpi gone out to fight Led Lad. What are you doing? Well, if I think you're going to shoot him, I punch. It's five minutes in the past. And then I go back

up and I'm like... I'm saying to Led Lad, hey Led Lad, I'm going to do a drill where I try and shoot you. I'm going to try and knock it out and see what happens. You're five minutes away. Five minutes go by and you're back there. I've got my gun. I guess what I would probably start doing is I wouldn't be, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be acting.

It would be like reacting. Oh, right. So you'd be so very bad. Oh yeah. Cool. I think I figured this out. Back in'd be so very bad at it. Oh, yeah. Cool. I think I figured this out. Watch. Back in five minutes and then.

Yeah. And then if I have to solve something, then I have to rely on kicks, I guess. Yeah. Okay. I guess you could use the power of words. Maybe I just have a bat. Yeah. Words.

You could use words. Yeah. Yeah. But I need a weird. But he could say don't shoot and then the bugger just shoots and then you get a punch but you get a second chance I guess yeah

yeah but well because I guess if you don't I'm gonna metal rod as my weapon because I guess you could

say mugger's about to rob somebody you know you could like you know eventually find out that mugger's name and all those kind of things

and then eventually like well I gotta go punching bag come here yeah it'll be here for a while. Yeah.

And then you get to that point. You're like, Hey, Gary, stop. How does he know my name is Gary? How does he know what I'm planning to do? That's crazy.

Or you go, you know, yeah, you go the day before. Yeah. You kind of almost minority report a little bit, but like poor punching bag. You got a complicated set of powers.

Okay. I have to keep them a secret. Yeah, the next question is, what do we do in our everyday life? Well, I'd have to keep them a secret so that people don't shoot me in the head while I sleep. Because that's pretty much the only way to defeat me. But would anyone ever know? Because if you get shot anyway, you're like, fuck, I can't punch because I've been shot in the head. If I've been shot in the head, I'm in trouble.

If I get shot in the body, I'm okay. I just need to make sure punching bag's closed. That's true. But if you're shot from a distance and no one's around you, you're fucked. Oh, yeah, I'm dead. A sniper will end you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A guy with a shotgun.

Yeah, you're... As long as I'm alive enough to throw a hand, I'll be okay. You've got to connect to somebody. How strong does the punch have to be? It doesn't matter. It's just fist connecting with skin. All right. Okay.

So what do you do? What's your job? Could you? Sorry. I'm sorry we're so distracted by King. It's worth getting into. Could you, in a similar situation, like, say, I guess one of the first episodes of, like, say, Dr. Tennant's, sorry, David Tennant's Doctor Who or say like an Ed Keane

serial killer, is if you have like a bit of a patch of skin that you've stretched out in times of emergency you can quickly punch. Or, what about this? You have a glove made of a human hand.

And you pull it on and you can punch it and you're not punching yourself, you're punching other humans. I could do that. In times of crisis because I'm thinking like, you're there, you're bleeding out. Punching Bag is like two feet away. You can't reach him in time. Punching Bag, I'll come here

and reach into my utility belt for my skin gloves. One of these days, Punching Bag will straighten that fucking nerve. And Punching Bag is like, why is he threatening to punch me? He's so angry. He must just be dying. His brain's misfiring. I'm going to punch you to save my life.

That's insane. What the fuck is he saying? And then he has a little like a pitch. Just in times of emergency, you reach into your two utility belts, pull on a skin glove, punch her in the hand, you can go back two-killity belt, pull on a skin glove, punch your own hand, and you can go back and thaw. Yeah, maybe that's a good idea.

Yeah, okay. Anyway, yes. Right. So let's see. So I guess a tech billionaire would make sense for someone like an Iron Man. Because, again, you've got to think, like, I'm making a suit. Are you heavy? Yeah.

Well, is Iron Man heavy? Well, yes, but you are made of lead. Well, no, that's just what I call myself. Okay, okay, fair enough. Iron Man isn't made of iron. He's made of mostly nanobots. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point.

Okay, fair enough. Or maybe his first one was iron. Or maybe my first one was lead. Okay. I was worried about X-rays. I think you're going to be very sick. Why? Lead's good. I'm not drinking out of it.

Is it okay to be near lead? Is it okay to be breathing in lead because it's your mask? Lead apron for x-rays. A little bit of lead over your balls so they don't get shrunk or whatever. Yeah, Bob. That's what happens when you get x-rays. This is medical advice from Plumbing the Death Star. If you get an x-ray, protect your balls.

Otherwise, they will shrink. Yeah, what you're going to do is you're going to get a grey lead pencil, just kind of colour in your balls. It is vital. 100%. Otherwise they'll become the size of little raisins. Yeah, little raisins, and you'll be cumming chalk. Yeah, it's never good.

Your lead is short amount of time, I think, is fine. But you're wearing a helmet. Yeah, for a short amount of time. That's my first one. And you're breathing. That was my lead mark one. When Zammett was trapped in a cave by terrorists and all they had was heaps of lead, I had to make this.

You had to make a lead outfit. That's so funny. You're like, is lead heavier than iron? Yeah, lead's heavy as hell Famously It's a heavy metal It's a heavy ass metal Iron is not

Well, it's just not as heavy as lead Look up at your little machine How heavy is lead? Yeah How heavy is lead? How heavy is lead? How heavy is lead? Because it's heavy

It's heavy as lead Isn't that a thing people say? You feel leaden sometimes If you're really tired Okay You got lead head if you're really tired? Okay. You get lead head if you're really sleepy? Okay. You're a...

All right. So pounds per gallon. Okay. Or grams per centimeter cubed. Right. What would you like? Grams per centimeter cubed. Surprise me.

So grams per centimeter cubed. Surprise me. So, grams per centimeter cubed. Yeah. Iron is 7.87, whereas lead is 11.36. Okay. So, it is heavy, but maybe not that much. It's a third heavy. Yeah. Yeah.

So, a 65 pound per gallon iron is 94 pounds per, for lead. Okay. Well, okay. So, it is heavier. It's heavy, but. How much is a gallon? Hmm. Oh. What do you mean So it is a beer. It's heavy. How much is a gallon? Uh, what do you mean? Is it like two liters on that?

I don't know. Two liters of lead? Gallon in liters. 3.785 liters. Why can't it be normal? Wait, did you mean US liquid gallon? Or did you mean a US liquid quart? What the fuck?

Or an imperial gallon? Imperial did you mean a US liquid quart? What the fuck? Or an imperial gallon? Imperial gallon sounds cool. That's 4.5 litres. The fucking America's number system can go fuck itself. It can go straight to hell, dude. Be normal. I was gonna call it the metric system, but that's the one that's

good. Yeah, they got the imperial system? Yeah. Which is fucked. So we can, yeah, do imperial gallon or US liquid quart. We can also do a US tablespoon. I hope America never talks to me again. There's an imperial tablespoon. I hate this. Wait, do we

have the metric or the imperial? Metric. Okay, thank God. Yeah, the US is imperial, yeah. I was scared for a second, but no, we're okay. All right, well, lead-lead. By this point, presumably, your armor is not made of lead. It might be a lead polymer or something. It's a kind of nanobot. Well, you've got to keep some lead in there.

It's in the name. Ironman doesn't keep any iron in, does he? Might be an alloy. I don't think he does. I think when he starts being like, I'll make it 100% extremist. Yeah, okay, fair enough. It's basically just little nanobots.

Well, he doesn't name himself Iron Man. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I think he's called Iron Man in the movies, isn't it? Yeah, he's called Iron Man by the movies. Pepper? Yeah, maybe Pepper. Or is it the media?

Maybe it's, I don't know, actually. I'm not sure. But Tech Billionaire is a good cover. But it also means you have more people you need to lie to. You need to keep it from. Because you've got a whole company of people working under you. But what does really a CEO do? Well, that's true.

You've got to be high up enough that no one will notice. You can put a do not disturb sign on your office. Jacking off my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gone jacking off my dick. Office? Jacking off my dick. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gone jacking off my dick. If we look at absolute tech genius, man that's 100% got it, oh, clever boy. Yeah, clued in. Yeah, Elon Musk, who is CEO of how many companies? I don't know.

Too many. X, SpaceX, Tesla. Yeah. Whatever that one that's killing monkeys. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Neuralink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don Don't worry those monkeys already had cancer I think I will say That's so funny

The monkeys were going to die anyway I'm confident It might be It's pretty cool to invent a chip That makes monkeys kill themselves It's like real life flowers for algernon Did the monkeys kill themselves though. Oh, it's like real life flowers for Algernon. Did the monkeys kill themselves? So I think

if the monkeys sink out of hand they're going to take their own lives. Hi, I'm Elon Musk, inventor of the chip that makes monkeys kill themselves. I'm inventor of flowers for Algernon the chip. What are the practical applications? What's better? Hi, I'm Elon Musk, I'm the

inventor of the chip that makes monkeys kill themselves. Or, hi, I'm Elon Musk. I'm the inventor of the chip that makes monkeys kill themselves. Or, hi, I'm Elon Musk. I'm the inventor of the chip that makes monkeys die. Yeah, that's true. One's more funny. Why did he want...

Hang on, Elon. What's the good of ether? Too many monkeys? I think the opposite is true. We were trying to read their minds, maybe. Yeah, we wanted the monkeys to control a car or whatever. Yeah.

Can't guys just drive a car? We have that. Why do we want a monkey to drive a car? Me too. Let's get out of here for five seconds. Actually, yeah, that would be fucking awesome. Yeah, come on. Think.

It's fucking much of your life. Just think. A monkey in a convertible? Come on now. Are you kidding me? Wait, important question. Is it in a convertible? Come on now. Are you kidding me? Wait. Route 66? Important question.

Is it smoking a cigar? Yeah, baby. And the car's full of babes. Yeah, of course it would be. Would it be a monkey driving, or would they just get the brain of the monkey and put it in the car? That's also awesome, but a different kind of awesome. Hi, I'm Elon Musk. I'm the guy that invented the chip we put in monkeys' brains that makes them kill themselves,

and then we harvest those brains and put them in our Tesla's. I will never get used to replacing the engine with a monkey brain. A monkey brain with a chip in it. I'll never get used to that, I think. My kids might, but I never will. That's okay. So he's the CEO of many different companies.

So I guess, what is the importance, really, of a CEO? It's a great question. Great question. I don't know. Clearly, he can be CEO of many companies. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And if I'm CEO of many companies, I can be like, well, where's Zamed off to? Well, he's obviously CEOing over at that particular company.

Oh, that's true. I just would never get into any kind of social media because that seems silly. Yeah, yeah, or big time. Big time. You're not buying Twitter or silly. Yeah, yeah, or big time. Big time. You're not buying Twitter or anything. Yeah, yeah. So your main strategy is to be like, I am working for one of my other tech companies.

If I'm not around, that's what's going to happen. That's what's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like Iron Man does in some of the TV shows, cartoons and whatever, Iron Man is Tony Stark's bodyguard. And also that is a robot. Yes. That's smart. That's smart. That bodyguard and also that is a robot. That's smart. That's the move. It's a robot.

Lead Lad is Joel Zammett's bodyguard and also Lead Lad is a robot lad. What about, say you're in a fight with a villain. It's a tech villain, whatever. They've got a tech sword. They stab what they believe is a robot. What kind of fucked up robot is Zammett Industries stab what they believe is a robot. Blood. It's pouring out. My colon!

What kind of fucked up robot is Xamarin Industries making? You're like, there's a monkey brain inside it. It's powered by a monkey's brain. And also, it's funny to have to pretend it didn't hurt because you're pretending you're a robot.

I feel fine. I feel fine. Seal it up. Seal it up. Seal it up. Seal it up. Seal it up. Seal it up. I mean, yeah, you just got to make sure you don't bleed. That's all.

Yeah. Because I guess like with Tony Stark's story, it's like, yes, I was in a cave. Terrorists got me. Yeah. And I made a suit of armor. Because I'm a genius man, I made that suit of armor that you can wear. But thankfully now I make it so it is a fully functioning robot. And they'll come on stage.

Everybody will be like, wow, what a robot. It's a guy I hired. He's in the suit of armor. Just like I think what actually Elon Musk might have done. Absolutely is what he did. What definitely some other tech company did. They'd be like, see, we've got robots now. Yeah, okay.

It's pretty cool. So you're hiding your absences from the company by saying you're working robots now yeah okay cool and then hmm how are you so you're hiding your absences from the company by saying you're working for another place

yeah yeah what about is there anyone in your life you'd let into the inner circle to reveal your secret identity

I guess Tonya's like a Rhodes yeah so I guess you got a pal should get a pal would you tell us

I wouldn't want to know yeah okay boys boys you know this time I wouldn't want to know. Boys, you know this. Time out. Don't involve us. I'm walking away from this conversation. You should punch me.

Because part of it is like, oh, yeah, it's nice to get your friends to know and that kind of stuff. But the nefarious version of me is like, you're right. If someone's stabbing with a tech sword, that's not going to be good. So what if I let these people know and give them their own suit that looks like me? They can also pretend to be me. Then I have doubles. So then I've lowered the chance of me dying by at least like 33%. So you kind of-

Yeah, dude. You want an Iron Man? I mean, a lead lad suit? I guess. Hell yeah, buddy. That's awesome. I'll get one made for you. Because if we're the same person, you already have Scorpion power.

You can travel back. But that's useful because for you, your power is very non-combat based. So it's how much it just helps you out there. Well, I'm not in this conversation. I opted out. That's true. I didn't want to know.

I got too much going on already. Like I guess we're this weird, like I guess the trio Avengers kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. But it's funny, we're all keeping our identities secret. Well, you guys know about each other and I'm just off. Yeah. Well, I guess the trio Avengers kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. But it's funny, we're all keeping our identities secret. Well, you guys know about each other and I'm just off. Yeah.

Well, I've never revealed mine. That's true. Would you reveal yours? Yeah, would you? To my friends? Well, I'm imagining that I'm like a reporter, probably, like Peter Parker. I don't think I'll be very good at it, but that's okay. Where's the news is your headline every day.

I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere. It's time to read Jackson's column. I wonder if he's found the news this time. It's so elusive. Why do I keep printing this shit? I just don't know where to look. Time to sit down on my Tuesday morning and read my favorite article from Jackson Bailey.

I hope he gets the news this time. I looked everywhere. Keep trying, buddy. You'll find the one. You'll find the one. I looked all over the place. There's news in this shop. I looked under a bin.

I asked some people. Do you know where the news is? Guys, I need it for my job. Went down an alleyway? News wasn't there. Nothing going on anywhere by the looks of things. Other people seem like they know where the news is all the time. They keep going like, hey, I got a big important scoop.

How do you do that? What's the scoop? In the big meeting every morning, you know, J. Jonah Jameson being like, all right, Bailey. I mean, I hate to ask this. Got a story for us today. Any news?

Where is it? Now I know you're asking. I expect as a reporter, something that's just happened. How am I meant to know where it is? How will I know where it is unless it happens right in front of me? I find out about these things from reading the news. Mr. Bailey, what do you mean by where is the news?

Because I'm looking all over for a car crash or a guy falling off a building, but I can never see it. I'm never there when it happens. Do other people see it? They must. It's in the paper! Do you ask them? What do you mean? If you come to a place where there has been a car crash,

I'm never there. I never make it in time. What do you mean, make it in time? When there is a car crash, the cops tell me to go away. Why do you ask the cops what happened? I'm scared of them. You'll find the news one day. Just looking around at all the buildings in New York. Is there a guy on any of these?

I know a guy on a building is news. And a car crash is news. Anything else? I don't know. Is that news? Maybe it knows. I will follow. Jackson, have you got anything to report?

Yes, I saw a bird. That's news. Is that news, right? What kind of bird? Great news, I saw a bird. That's news. Is that news? Right? What kind of bird? Great news. I saw a bird. I don't know.

Didn't catch it. Is that news? Well, if it was it. You have to get out in the street again. Yeah. Yeah. If it was it. It's a rare bird.

Can you tell me what the news will look like so I know when I see it? Like if something interesting happens that like a few people more than just you would find interesting. How am I meant to know? Like, okay, okay. How about this? If it bleeds, it leads. Do you know that?

You know Scorpy Man? I'm aware of Scorpy Man. Would photographs of him be noticed? What's Scorpy Man doing? Is he being a menace? Just putting in a photo. Awkward pose. of him being noticed. What's Scorpion Man doing? Is he being a menace? Just standing there. Just putting in a photo. Awkward posing.

Scorpion Man just like this. And it's also like ones where it's very clear I've set up my phone press the timer and then running back. So a bit blurred and he's like

turning back to look. Bit of like half-arsed look. Did Scorpion Man take this photo? Nope, man. He was just running away at the time. Looks like this was a poorly timed selfie.

This photo has clearly been taken in an apartment, Jackson. It was Scorpion Man's house. With like a selfie stick on the Empire State Building. Yeah. So did Scorpion Man send you these, right? I gave, uh, what counts? What do you mean, what counts? If I gave him the phone and he took the photo, do I still get paid?

I mean, if you got these from Scorpyman, because the only other explanation would be that you are Scorpyman. No, wrong. So if you're not Scorpyman, then he must have given you these. I'm Miles Manard's guy, Jackson Bailey. Because he clearly gave you these. Normal intelligence level man, Jackson Bailey. Regular smart guy, Jackson Bailey. Hey, I'm your friendly neighborhood regular man.

That's me. Yeah. Well, so scorpion powers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What about them? So a scorpion can probably climb on a wall.

Yep. I can't thwip around. How can a scorpion climb on a wall? Actually, yeah, good point. No, scorpions can't climb up walls. Are you sure? Yes. What powers do a scorpion...

I got a stinger. And crab claws, maybe? Yeah, maybe in my hands I can make little spikes come out. Hellfire manipulation. I've gotten the wrong scorpion. Oh, the Mortal Kombat. No, no. What power does a scorpion, this creature, the beast of the desert,

what does that have? How do I keep a tail hidden on my body? Yeah, pants. I got one thick leg. Alternatively, you could tuck it up into a jacket. Once again, got Slayer of Minotaurs, Vanquisher of Giants,

killed by a scorpion. It's hard to find it with poison. Where am I? Scorpion was killed by a scorpion? No, scorpion killed a minotaur? A scorpion this big you won't find curled up in your boot. Maybe around your boot, but not in it. Flavor text for Dakmor Scorpion Magic the Gathering Maybe I can hook the tail up between my legs

And it just looks like a belly Like it goes over When I sit I'm going to be stabbing myself I tried to go back but accidentally hit one of the auto-corrects Which was seeing a scorpion in the house Meaning I have scorpion Symbolisms, which was seeing a scorpion in the house, meaning I have scorpion symbolism and spiritual meanings of seeing a scorpion. Will this help? Yeah, I think so.

It'll help me on a spiritual level, understand the scorpion totem of which I have. Oh, okay. Humans throughout history have considered these creatures to be symbols of death and evil. Okay. They are similar to spiders. Both are arachnids. Uh-huh. Okay are similar to spiders. Both are arachnids.

Uh-huh. Okay. Well, maybe what about this? You've got a venom. Yeah, I was going to say, maybe I can make, instead of having a scorpion tail on my body, like Spider-Man's web shooters,

it can come out of my wrist and I can stab people like that. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Like a venom sting. Yeah, like a venom sting. Exactly. Unfortunately, it doesn't curl back because a scorpion's tail does.

So I've got to hook them around the back of the head and stab them like that. And then I can crawl up walls if a scorpion can crawl up walls. Aside from being known for its stinger and mating dance, I'll take that too. They're also known for their live birth. Okay, I'll give birth. Yeah, awesome. I have to birth a couple of eggs every now and then. Oh, live birth, actually.

Baby scorpions, that's fine. You've got a sperm packet. Okay, tight. Baby scorpions, that's fine. You've got a sperm packet. Okay, tight, nice. The powers of a scorpion are less cool than the powers of a spider. You glow under ultraviolet light, so you glow in the dark. A glow power, yeah, yeah. Can a scorpion climb on a wall?

I don't know. I keep getting abilities of the scorpion, the guy from Mortal Kombat. Okay, okay, here we are. Alright, you've got eight legs, like a spider. Mites and ticks. Quickly, you're quick. You can grab an insect with your pincers. Okay, great.

And you can whip their tails on, which I guess is the big bit, which I'll have on my wrists. Poisonous tip of their tail and sting their prey. And they use that poison to kill prey and defend against predators. Okay, all right. So I don't think you have wall climbing. Google scorpion on the wall. I can picture a scorpion on a wall.

Yeah, but also think about them when they're in like a fish tank or something. They can't walk up the wall. That's class. It's different. Class is smooth. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Here we go. He's got it. He's on the wall. I'm wall crawling. Yeah, the pincers on the feet of a scorpion are called unkus.

I'm wall crawling. Tell me I'm wall crawling. And they allow the scorpion to hold on to prey. Additionally, they allow the scorpion to be able to climb on surfaces like rocks, textured walls, and trees. But if the surface is smooth They can't hold on The wheel falls Like a worse Spiderman So I can climb up the bits between the windows

On skyscrapers But not the skyscrapers themselves Not the windows Okay that's alright That's fine You're fine Okay anyway Yes so mild mannered reporter

Jackson Bailey Will he ever find that news? I don't know. I would probably tell people. Yeah? Hey, I'm that scorpion guy. You know Scorpio man who falls off buildings all the time? Scorpio man?

He can't climb buildings. Have you been crime fighting? Yeah, I think so. I've got to be crime fighting. Crime, absolutely. I've got a rogues gallery. I've got a rogues gallery. Okay, who are you telling? You've got a rogues gallery? Hey, if this is too hard for you, come find me at work.

I'm Jackson Bailey, news reporter. My boss is really mean. He keeps yelling at me for not knowing where the news is. Can you kill him? You keep handing in selfies. Yeah. Then, yeah, I think we're gonna figure it out How does Spider-Man do it?

He doesn't take selfies Well he does But he makes it look like He's not being a selfie Yeah well I could try and do that And he also claims He gets them from Spider-Man as well

Yeah yeah yeah I can't really web up anything Yeah because you don't have The ability for web Yeah I just have poison But I could set it up and could you maybe like, if who you're telling, could you be like, hey, take photos of me?

Oh, yeah, that's true. And do like a little bit of a scheme. I'll let you go if you take photos of me and let me claim that they're yours. Because you crook, I kill. Because if you're like, hey, I don't know, lead lad, hey. Can you take photos? Hey, can you make a little robot? Yeah, that's true.

Why don't you get a little drone? I'll get a little drone. That actually solves a lot of my problems. Just take some photos. I'll get a little drone. A little drone will figure you right out. A little drone, I can just use that in my regular life, and also I can say I'm using it to take photos of Scorpion Man.

Yeah. That's great. I'll take a little drone, take photos of myself. I might keep, I mean. So Scorpion Man and he's a drone. Yeah take photos of myself. I might keep, I mean. So Scorpion, yeah, Scorpion Man and his drone. Yeah. Do, like, yeah, I don't know. Do photos these days have a lot of metadata attached out of curiosity?

Whoa, yeah. Modes, I think. Yeah. So if you were to take those photos on, like, an iPhone or an Android, whatever you got, and then you'd be like, hey, Mr. J. Jonah Jameson, here's pictures of Scorpio. Or, like, someone finds, like,. Jonah Jameson, here's pictures of Scorpio. Or someone finds it. Oh, it's that drone that was following Scorpio.

It's registered to. Yeah. Well, I just say the drone. Oh, yeah. Maybe the drone can't come with me as Scorpio man. Or it can be just like Scorpio man. Yeah. Go away, drone.

You're bothering me. Or I have a costume for my drone. No, that's a bad plan too. That's a bad plan. It needs to be Jackson Bailey's drone following Scorpion Man. Why can't I be like, that's a different drone? Because it has the Metatron. Oh, the Metatron.

The Metatron will kill you. Okay, that's not going to work. Unless you like Jacob and Jason. I got an awful secret. I am Scorpion Man. But you got to still pay me for these photos like I'm not Scorpio Man. Well, or I think I would tell my J. Jonah Jameson equivalent. Okay.

Because. All right. You hope it would be nicer to you? I'm J. Jonah Jameson equivalent. Okay. And I've been said, you've got to give me pictures of Scorpio Man, because then I can keep saying what a piece of shit he is in my daily harp or whatever it is.

And since you can't find the news, I figure you can take a photo or something. Take a photo of this piece of shit Scorpion Man. He's a menace. News to say. Big secret. Look behind me. Make sure the door's locked. I am Scorpion Man. Okay. You're fired.

But I give you exclusive rights to any interview and photographs of me. Slander me all you like. I don't give a shit. But you gotta pay me for it. Okay. You can say whatever the fuck you want about me, boss. It's like a one-off pay. Look at me on retainer.

So I pay you, and I get exclusive access to Scorpion Mare. Yeah, if I come off a fight with the Red Gnome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Red Gnome. One of your famous rogues, the Red Gnome. Or Professor Crab. I'm aware of Professor Crab. He's a menace. I'll come straight here, and I'll say, Hey, Koma, I just fought the Professor Crabbe He's a menace I'll come straight here and I'll say

Hey Koma, I just fought the red crab Maybe I'll say he's a hero for you If you want to keep slandering me So wait, are you a piece of shit? No, I'm a good guy Why do I keep seeing you running away from crime? Just cowardly I'd stop the crime but then I'd get overwhelmed

And so I guess it's explained like yeah piece of shit photo piece of shit photo piece of shit photo this is your ass crack sir yeah my costume's a little small so this was

so I can see this is when you set up a camera and then you try to run and you tripped yeah okay yeah I grazed my nuts oh hang on

I can make a little oh you can make a little flip book of you eating shit yeah I see this. And it ends with me crying. All right, look. How about this? So you're a superhero.

Right. I'm going to get Robbie or Robbie or whatever his name is, and he's going to make tail you, take photos of you, doing your crime scenes, and that's cool. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. We're monetizing this we own your

we own your rights to your I think this is getting away from me so we do we own help me King do we own the rights to your

image hang on a second let me get my lawyer on the line I need a lawyer I think as Craig Croner

Cramerson I feel I'm automatically getting my lawyer and trying to basically, yeah, I'll pay you a salary of a journalist salary for a lot more I'm getting out of you. So I think I'm going to own the rights to not only the image of Scorpion Man, maybe you. That's concerning. What are you going to do with... I don't know yet.

You might as well get it while you're here. I don't know yet. What if you do something good or bad? Yeah, then you can print it in the news. So you're telling your boss... Maybe go to the one person in a position to exploit me. Maybe! I think, because yeah,

Craig Croner Cramerson, very easily exploit you. Yeah, I think, because, yeah, Craig Croner Cramerson very easily exploit you. Yeah, that is true. A lot. Yeah. Because then it could be like, okay, so hang on, I'm just going to strap, like, I don't know, this phone to you that you're constantly recording images, and you can climb up a wall.

Some walls. Because I could be like, if it's not smooth, I can. You fight crime all the time yeah like every day I'm trying cause could you

take some time out of your day cause I need some b-roll yeah yeah I mean I guess you could climb to the Empire State

building or whatever and just like a nice visage like a time lapse I mean I can I can do that yeah yeah I mean I do have

a great response when my uncle died in a car accident oh that's sad he said if you've got superpowers you better fucking use them I do have a great response. When my uncle died, in a car accident? Oh, that's sad. He said, if you've got superpowers, you better fucking use them.

Well, you're using them to help me sell papers and maybe branch into television news, I think. Oh, okay. Because I guess I could, yeah, someone being like, wow, we don't need to, we don't need to have access

to Scorpion Man. Yeah. We're the only person that could climb up a building, apparently. Some buildings. You're also very stupid. Yeah, yeah.

We need some time lapse of things. So this will all come under your contract without paying you little. I'm getting probably minimum wage. Yeah, I'm like going through the Rolodex in my head. They're like, who can I fire? I'm thinking a lot more responsibility, but not earning anymore.

Yeah, that's exciting. That was maybe stupid of me. I might have to kill Kay Crona Cramerson. Kay Crona Cramerson wouldn't see it coming. He thinks he's untouchable. He's thinking he's got this robe. It's so funny to be like, go chatting to the secretary.

I'm like, I'm going to go in there and get the best deal of my life. And then coming out wiping my hair. He wasn't there. Opening the door, the windows smashed. Did you push him out the building? No, I'm a superhero. Superheroes.

I mean, I'm not. I'm regular mild-mannered Jackson Bailey. Away! And then my scorpion thing just goes out, and I just run like this. Away! Dangling down. Comes out, stabs me in the arm.

Fuck! It hurts! Fuck this cane! I'm not immune to my own venom, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me because I think it's in me. And then I pass out on the floor. Oh, hey, I'm a scorpion man, and it'll be like, are you here to then I guess, yeah, if you were like, oh, hey,

I'm a school man and it'd be like, are you here to hurt me? No! No, no, no, no,

no, no. Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to exploit you. You know how I said earlier I wasn't here to hurt you?

I'm going to throw you out the window now. Because you know my secret identity and I realize now I don't want that. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Because again, like if you told Craig Croner Cramerson your identity, sure, you might come up with this like partnership

and then he will be like exploiting you because again he's not and I can't get out of it because he knows my secret identity he can tell my villains

and then yeah if you wrong him in any way shape or form or just maybe I don't know he's bored he'll just leak your name he owns it

he's like by the by everybody New York Scorpio Man you know you love Scorpio Man or hate him or whatever? How are you feeling right now?

It's this guy. It's Jackson Bailey. I have a duty to the news to tell everybody. If the Daily Hop or whatever isn't doing so well. Yeah. He's having an off day. Yeah. Also, if you do tell Jonah Jameson, I mean, does he have like a journalistic integrity

or journalistic code to be like, well, that is newsworthy of the identity of Scorpion Man. As a good journalist, I kind of, I mean, I guess you are a source. Yeah, exactly. Don't reveal your source. What are you giving me? I'm giving you exclusive rights. Exclusive rights to what? But if you're, okay, I'm not the editor.

I'm a journalist. You come up to me and like, here's my identity. Yeah. I'm a source. And I'm like, a source of what? You put a fucking recording device on me. Yeah. Next time I'm fighting Professor Crabb, you'll hear everything.

Okay. It's just unusable. You're like, fuck you, Professor Crabb. I will kill you. You stupid fuck. I hate you. I'm going to break your crab arms off and I'm gonna beat your wife and children to death with them. I will kill your whole crab family.

I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna dig a shit in the sea. I don't care if you're just a man. I don't care if you did this some time. I'm getting you. Just a journalist listening being like, well, a lot of this is unusable. Because you're yelling and then it devolves into crying halfway through. I'll kill you! I'll kill you, Mr. Krabs!

I think Professor Krabs is just a crab. I'll kill you, Mr. Krabs! You've got to be nice to this much, Bob! You've got to be nice to him. He's a good boy. I think Scorpio Man is maybe the villain. He's certainly unwell. Maybe we shouldn't have written all those articles. He started out calling him Professor Krabs.

But then got confused with the show Spongebob all the way through. Yeah, it does sound like he did that. That's you. No, it's not. The reporter listening to it, you just staring at the way. It's good stuff, right? Yeah. That's exclusive.

You can take that wherever you want. Release it as much as you want. You happy this to be out in the public? Yeah, I'm really proud of this one. What a good, what a good quips. I'm sort of thinking,

Scoppy Man's sort of a comedian superhero. I'll kill you! I'll kill you and your family! I'll shit in the city! I'll shit in the, I'll burn your house down,

you motherfucker! I'm sort of quippy, I'm sort of funny. Is Professor Crab a mutated crab? Oh, well... Or is it a guy? It's sort of a guy who has robotic crab claws coming out of his back because of an accident. Seems to think you think he's a crab.

Or he's Crab. Let me in that shell! I'm going to eat you! I'm going to suck the meat out of your fucking claws! Scorpion Man. And you weren't dispublished. Well, it's good stuff. Yes!

I spent a lot of my time trying to find the news, and I think I finally found it. You definitely have found something. Yeah, yeah. Headline next day, Scorpion Man fucked. Scorpion Man. Menace to Krabs Menace to Menace to victim of a science experiment

Maybe Professor Krabs the victim We don't know We went and interviewed Professor Krabs To see what he had to say He's just got a very bruised face Arm in his sling I thought it was going to be a friendly Bob between He went mental.

Scorpion man is unwell. I was going fishing. Sorry I hurt your feelings, Professor Krabs. You really, beyond that, you've threatened the life of everyone I care about. Yeah, it's sort of jokey. I'm sort of, you know. I should have done those crimes, Professor Crabb. Yeah, that's what I think.

Well, yeah, okay. So you're telling your boss and journalists, and I'm trying to go for, like, maybe, like, plausible liability, but maybe, like, I won't get stabbed. How about you, King Hit? I'm telling literally no one because time travel is confusing and bad. It's just, it's none of their business. And I guess you have a really good way of being like, oh, I know who you are.

Yeah, exactly. You accidentally let it slip or anything. Yeah, you just hit him and then I go back in time. You're not going to do that again. You're not going to do it twice. And also as well, it's like, you know, how long... And if I do, hit him again. Yeah.

How long have you known? I've known for years. It's going to hurt you more than it hurts me. I'm going to be tired. Well, it actually will hurt me more than it hurts you. In a weird way. Strap in, I guess. Yeah, exactly.

You could give it a go. Yeah. Because you can take it back whenever you want. Yeah, exactly. Oh, actually, yeah. You could just punch him, like, say, 10 times. You go on back, you know, what, 50 minutes. You're like, whew.

Or whatever it is. Then you see, you race to them. Yeah. You've already had a bit of time to relax. You're like, oh, hey, buddy. He's like, oh, hey, what are you doing here? Bang, bang, bang. Yeah, yeah.

You just keep doing that. But you do punching bag. Does punching bag know your identity? No. Okay, so you kind of both. Do you know punching bags? No. Okay.

How do you guys team up? I don't know. Okay. He thinks I'm really clever. Yeah, okay. I guess you could be one of the brain superheroes. Yeah, yeah. I'm secret brawn.

He's king here because it's ironic. Yeah, that's true because he's the king of hitting punching bag's probably got the name because he's big and punches strong but I don't actually

need him to hit yeah yeah because king here you're like oh yeah everyone's thinking that he's going to get clocked in the face

but he's very good at just like dismantling a situation well the crime never happens most of the time he's good at de-escalating it and so you're like oh he knows

what's going on. He's a thinker. Do you ever stop a crime while it's happening? No. Does Punching Bag ever see action? No. Punching Bag will see me go in. I mean, I can let him hit people.

Oh yeah, because the solution could just be letting Punching Bag punch someone. Yeah, that's true. could be like the solution could just be letting punching bag punch someone. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's true. Yeah, I could just be like go back 10 minutes and be like, all right, I think this is what's going to play out. Make sure you hit them there. Yeah, that's true.

You could just stay in the sideline. Yeah. Punching bag, take care of it. You're a strategist. Yeah, yeah. You're basically like, yeah, you just watch it all happen as is. Be like, poof. Punching bag, come here.

A couple of things. Yeah, you could be so far away from major yeah absolutely plus because you know what's gonna happen you don't have to take much time

out of your day to solve a crime because you go see where the crime's gonna happen say the crime takes 10 minutes whatever the crime is

you beat the shit out of punching bag until you're at the beginning of the day live a regular life check your watch time to get down to the docks

get down to the docks solve Yep. Get down to the docks. Solve it. We're all out. Yep. Head back home. What's your outfit? Because I was thinking like a Doctor Strange. Is it Doctor Strange?

Who's the guy in Shazam 2 that was played by Bond? Doctor Fate. Doctor Fate. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. Imagine some kind of like that. Like a big helmet and stuff. Yeah, you can't see thy identity.

Yeah, what is your... Is he Will when I need to cover your face. Maybe like Mysterio? Does he need a costume? No one's ever seen him. That's true. No one even really knows who exists. Yeah, exactly.

If you just kind of puppet Punching Bag. Yeah. Punching Bag's a superhero. I think actually I've decided. He needs to cover his face because of Punching Bag. Oh, yeah, that's true. I've decided I'm just going to have a mask that just looks like black bandages just wrapped together. Oh, okay.

Scary. That is scary. This is a scary. I think everyone might just call you the witness. Yeah, whatever. They can call me whatever. Because he'd just be there just watching things happen. If I hear a name I don't like, I just hit him and then.

You wait to hear the right name. Well, it's scary because the scenario for punching bag is more like you've approached him and been like, I know all. And I will tell you where to go and what to do. And you got to trust me implicitly because I'll always be right. Maybe I just pretend like I'm punching bag sidekick and punching bag is the face. I think punching bag might think you're the devil. Because it's so scary to imagine this guy with black bandages who's like, go to the docks.

7pm. These two people will be here doing this. And you're like, how does he know every time? And what I do is right. You'll get the accolades. You'll get everything. You'll be beloved by the town. But no, deep down, the quiet moments of your

life was because of me. You've done really nothing. I'm fighting crime with the devil. Okay, well, as long as I'm fighting crime. Do you age? All your accomplishments, everything you do. It's me. I mean, I just wouldn't do that, though.

Yeah, that's fair. Do you want to miss the power? I don't really like using it, but... I mean, I just wouldn't do that, though. Yeah, that's fair. Because I just try not to. Look, do you want to miss the power? I don't really like using it, but. You kind of get the moral obligation. I get it. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, I would age normally, but not like.

If you go back in time. I'm the same age I was 10 minutes ago or five minutes ago. But like if I go to bed and wake up the next day, I have aged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, fair enough. Anyway, I wouldn't tell anyone. Keeping my secret identity will be easy. Yeah, it kind of is because everyone just sees you as like punching bags. Or they don't see me.

Or they don't know about you. Or it's like, oh, it's that devil in bandages. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of like if Batman, who always seems to know exactly what's going on, secretly had a guy that was telling him what to do the whole time. Everybody's like, Batman is just completely on top of it, but he's really up on it. Yeah.

Well, well done for becoming team leader of the trio. Yeah, it was easy. You just tell us where to go. I probably won't tell you anything. What the hell? I know, we're your buddies. What about the fucking trio? I'll tell you, Zama, but Scorpion Man, a liability.

Yeah, but he's in like a lead suit because, you know, it's a liability. Oh, yeah, that's true. I got powers, two kinds. Yeah. Robot powers and scorpion powers. Yeah, that's true. I need him around. Plus, dude, you know, have you seen the news?

I'm effective. Well, I guess we figured it out, and keeping a secret identity, you should probably do it, and it's pretty easy to do. Yeah, that's true. Because if you tell your boss, your life gets wrecked.

Yeah, that's true. Well, and on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Superheroing is easy. Every movie or book or comic book or television series or anything that is implied otherwise is incorrect. That's true.

And if you find the news, let us know. Where is that? Where did he go? It's the news, dude. You just don't even fucking know. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

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