Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Steal the Moon?

Episode Date: July 28, 2024

TheDamBeaver wants us to answer How We’d Steal the Moon. We assume it’s to do with Despicable Me’s very own Gru, but we can’t be sure. JD wants to make everything big, Zammit takes a leaf from paper, scissors, rock and Jackson figures it out. So let’s all go get a small loan from the Bank of Evil, feed our satan horse only the finest cuts of clown meat and pray that we never find out the earth is ending until the last possible moment. Or a three day weekend. Either or.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+If you’re in Melbourne or the UK and want to see three beautiful idiots live and in the flesh, head on over to https://www.sanspantsradio.com/events/category/live-shows/ and grab your tickets today to see us in Melbourne, London, Edinburgh, Manchester and/or Birmingham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone! Look! It's us! Plumbing the Death Star! That's right! And we're here to tell you that we are doing a live show... ...in Melbourne. Is that like a goat, my dude? Ah, in Melbourne! Speaking of goats, the Goat Man himself, James, won't be there, but I will. Yeah, Joel Simon's coming.

We'll be here. If you are in Australia and you're jealous, well if you're in Melbourne specifically, and you're jealous because you can't come to any of the UK live shows Guess what you can come to this one. It's the comedy Republic on the 22nd of August at 630 p.m Plumbing the death star will be performing live for the first time in like two years exactly That's exciting in Melbourne tickets are all tickets are on sale right now. You can keep that stutter and it's good. This is good It's fresh. Yeah, people want to know what going to be like live. And it's like this. It's going to be like this.

Tickets are on sale through the Comedy Republic website. They're on sale now. It's 28 bucks a pop. They're also on sale through the Sam Smith radio website. Which will then take you to the Comedy Republic website. It's really like, you know, look, it'll add a click. Add a click. Add a little bit of extra effort for you. So come see us live. It'll be like this.

Except you can say stuff back. You can yell. We'll be like this and except you can say stuff back Yeah, you can like people have like whacked my foot well Don't hit my foot Because I think it's funny, but that idea is why would you do that? This is this is how you get an inception? Don't hit my foot 27th of August 22nd August my god 22nd 22nd of August comedy Republic come see us what time Jackson 630? Yeah good It's a Thursday night, so you just finish work, and you're like man work made me clever today time to get dumb anyway See you there! Ahem.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sans Fans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plum in the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel.

I'm joking. But I'm good now. I fixed it. Oh, nice. And Plum in the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast where we ask important questions. And sometimes we aren't the ones that- well I mean I always ask them. Yeah. But sometimes we're not the ones who think of them. We don't come up with them. Yeah. And this question was actually submitted via a subscription service in our Discord by the Dam Beaver.

And the Dam Beaver wants to know, how would we steal the moon? The Dan Beaver is referring to Gru of Despicable Me fame and he, I would like to steal the moon. That's not how he sounds Yeah, it's close enough. It's close and he I he steals the moon It's very elaborate but in the end he does with a shrink ray. Okay, he shrinks the moon Mmm, that's the moon. I mean it to someone I can know about this boys, but the moon Famously big yeah, that's true. It's gonna be a problem I forgot that that's how he stole the moon cuz that was my plan

Well, my plan was slightly different I've been influenced by you doing is you know, you're seeing his plan and you're improving upon it. Yeah Okay, so basically reinvent the wheel Okay, so basically Also, just before we go into my plan, which it does sound like I've stolen directly from group, but it was successful Yeah, and then he feels bad and put them he had to give it to another guy from memory He owed someone the moon they to get his daughter's back Well, cuz in just before we started recording. Yeah, I was like, why does he steal them?

I was like, how does he adopt the daughters again? And you were like, ah, it's for tax purposes, I think. And then I was like, what? And then you were like, yeah. And the reason he steals the moon is because he's stealing it from his neighbor. I looked it up. That's not strictly correct. Neither of those things are true. He wants to steal the moon. Yes. Grew. Um, but before he can do it, he goes to the bank and at the bank they say, if you want to steal the moon, Gru. But before he can do it, he goes to the bank. And at the bank they say if you want to steal the moon, first you need to steal the shrink ray to get a loan. Okay. And then he goes to steal the shrink ray, but his neighbor Vector steals it first. And he's like, well, I gotta get that shrink ray back from Vector.

And he tries to get in, but he can't. But then he sees three girls selling cookies. Yeah. And they can get in and so he's like well I'll pretend to be a dentist and adopt those girls And then in the end so it's not for tax. It's not for tax purposes even slightly Yeah, it's for steal. It's for getting into his name, but it is forgetting into his neighbor's house Okay on that I was correct and Victor hasn't stolen the moon No, but it was not stealing the moon from Vector? No, but they are in competition with each other and I guess hazy here, but I think maybe Vector steals the moon because he knows Gru wants to steal the moon?

Isn't it like, uh- So Vector does steal the moon? Well no, he steals the moon, Gru gives him the moon. Because isn't it kind of like, if I can steal the moon, I'm proving myself to be like, head super- oh, the-villain, and then I will go into the super-villain. And at the beginning, Vector- The bank. Let's talk about this. Yes, it's the bank of evil. It's a bad guy bank.

Which is where presumably we're getting our loans for stealing the moon. But also at the beginning, Vector steals the pyramids of Egypt just right out from under Groo, so he's pissed. So he's trying to one-up him by stealing the moon. So they're in competition. Yeah, and he shrinks the moon, gives us the vector, bada-bing bada-boom, gets it back probably, minions, banana. We're all good. So we get the minions? Well, I was gonna assume that we're in competition. Yeah So yeah, basically my plan, yeah, forgetting that a shrink ray was involved the mind doesn't Use a shrink ray per se What could you mean by that? But it does use the same

Make the moon little math by not using a shrink So we're gonna need an expanding ray cuz I was like, I don't know how to get to space All right We make the earth really big the moon's just there And it also won't be that big anymore because we're big We make earth big and then the moon Okay, okay, I was scared that you were to make earth big Leave us the same size and then the moon just

An empty desert you're like well, it's mine and no one could say shit, but that's okay if we're big as well Yeah, you're imagining you could just pluck Sort of or at least like I would be able to do something to contain it well Okay, if everything's big, then the moon's not Yes, if everything's big the moon is not because the moon is not everything Even if it's still like a football stadium sized I could then just build a bunker and then when we get big the moon lines up with the bunker, goes in the bunker So you're gonna be there you're gonna make out, okay

Like catch the moon The moon lines up with the bongos in the bunker. Okay, so you're gonna be there you're gonna make okay I'm imagining you you're standing there. You've put on your baseball cap Yeah, me you've like timed it like lined it up right you press the button And so as you go and towards the moon And you get yours how Quickly is the earth expanding? I'm gonna be doing this and the moon's just gonna rocket through your hand? No, it'll expand slower than that. What happens when the moon so right now the moon is inside Earth's gravitational pull mm-hmm, but it's in like a place where if it was any closer it would start spiraling into

And also if you increase the mass of the Earth Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Does the moon just take the same distance? Well, no, the Earth I'm assuming becomes denser Mm-hmm Yes, that's true Which means then the moon becomes closer Yeah, which is good, because that's what I want

I think you're gonna have this weird scenario where the Earth gets bigger and spins The moon is gonna not only hit Drag a farrow into the earth mine or yes Into Venus becomes Venus our moon. Yeah, steal Venus. Get so close to the sun. I can steal the sun. Like that famous Icarus.

What happens if Earth's bigger than the sun? I imagine it gets cold. Not good. It gets cold except where the sun directly is? Well, sorry. Imagine Earth's bigger than the sun, but people have increased in size too. Yeah. How big's a guy now? Guys are huge!

Getting the moon, really you have the moon, is no longer of consequence. Yeah. Because Gro is being like, what is happening to my body? Who is doing this? My girls! He'd be so worried about his girls. He's worried about his children yeah it's getting big my tax purposes I got you for tax purposes I'll

reveal that now cuz we're dying it's a good thing to reveal to your kid no as you die yeah um well if a person you want a mistake you are a scheme but I love you now my I have grown to love you my girls What happens to the human body if it gets really big? Oh, you're getting real real big, but you're getting real staying in proportion Yeah Yeah, but nothing no, but the human everything is becoming

Yeah, cuz like the fucking if you if you got a guy who's too big now, Yeah. The human heart's like, Oh fuck, oh fuck. But if the human heart's bigger, Like, that's a horse. Yeah, yeah, and the... Didn't...

Okay. Didn't the guy get too big? No, I'm now thinking of The Australian hero, Farlap. Oh yeah. Our hero horse. Yeah.

Wasn't his heart so big problems? No. Was that what made him race so good? Or is that what made him race so good, wasn't his heart so big problems? Made him race so good. What made him race so good? You say he had a heart as big as father Horse who could love real good Split his body up across this Yeah, that's true. We got the whole, we got the rest didn't we? We got the whole horse. We got the horse, New Zealand got the heart. And someone got the brain I could only assume. Cause you can go and

see the body of the father in the museum and it's great to do. It's good to see a horse on display. I know it's good to be like that horse, that was a fast fucker. That horse was such a good horse that the Americans killed it. Yeah that's right! That was like hmm fuck. That horse was such a good horse that the Americans killed it. Yeah, that's right That was like hmm fuck this horse. It's gonna become too powerful. Yeah the same reason they killed JFK Dude that is crazy. The CIA should stop killing people. Yeah stop killing horses and men yeah Of horse and men is there anything in that? Of horse and men. Yeah, think horse and men. Think about the horse.

Is there a pat of a horse? Look at this man, he's so big, when he pats a horse he caves out of his skull. Oh shit! Oh wait, so Lenny's patted a horse? Too hard in this? Or is Lenny a horse? Or is... Who's the other guy?

Mike? It's not Mike, but I is... Who's the other guy? Mike? It's not Mike, but I would... It's not Carl. Yeah, that's what my brain went to. That's the Simpsons. Yeah. Lenny and Daniel? Lenny and...

It's an old Greg? Craig? Lenny and Craig. Of Lenny and Craig. I don't know, dude. What's the quote from Of Mice and Men, like, where the title comes from? And everyone will fear him, Of Mice and Men, or something? I doubt it.

I don't think so. It is funny to imagine they're not letting one being a horse and being like, yeah, just think about the rabbits and then turning around to kick him in the back of the head. Lainey's still a man and the guy whose name we can't remember is the horse. Yeah, Lainey's a man and the guy whose name we can't remember is the whole So funny is all because that means when letty and you know attacks all those people or whatever the horse is gonna come To be like I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'll do something about it. Don't worry Great depression even you are flings dude in the Great Depression You're waiting in your farm and a horse and a man turns up with the horse

It's like hey, we just need a place to stay. Yeah, I'm saying turn the fuck around Talk but it can like I'm gonna play on my field. That's sure I could take it to the circus Yeah, exactly, and that's what the money was in the Great Depression That's it Great Depression hits I'm starting a circus. God, how do you start a circus? Well, you're gonna need this possessed horse. You're gonna need a possessed horse. Yeah, but like right now if I wanted to start a circus. You need a main attraction. I got fucking nothing. Well you gotta get a main attraction. Well that's what I mean. Couple clowns. No, but you, okay. And some carnivore. I can't just have clowns. And some carnival barkers! Roll up, roll up, see a clown! World's first possessed horse, right here, right now, 20 bucks! You need the attraction first, and upon that is what we will build our great circus. Then we get the clowns, then we get the barkers.

But what is our first one? At the beginning it's just me and a possessed horse. So we get the possessed horse, step one is we get that possessed horse. Step one possess a horse. Possessed horse is like okay step one is we get that You the way that you are now talking makes me think that after every step you need to put on a circus You're like alright step on your possessed horse alright time for our first circus, which You hold the circus after about step five It's like a pre-circus. Yeah, a pre-circus.

Your pre-sale. It's not a circus to begin with, it's just me and a possessed horse. It's like one little tent, and a sign that says, See the horse, possessed by the devil. Yeah. They come inside on the horse and say, I'll kill you! I'll kill everyone you care about!

I'm a fucking devil horse! I'm a fucking devil motherfucker! I'll kill you alive! I'll eat you you care about I'm a fucking devil I'm a fucking devil motherfucker I'll get you alive I'll eat your alive Why do we have to kill Why do we get the horse possessed by the devil Why do we have to be like Hey this horse is

It's a possessed horse This is what's in hell This is what's in hell I'm fucking mother, I'm fucking mother I'm not just standing there like this And I can tell you're fortune I'm really scared of him Oh god damn

Why are we gonna get the evil one? People are like shitting their pants in the front row. Twenty bucks! Twenty dollars to get cursed by this horse! The next thing I get is just clowns. The clowns are there to strike the evil ones. You see the clowns? You see the horse with the devil inside!

I'm like a clown, I'm like a clown! I mean I get a clown every night! I get a clown every night! I live on their blood, I live on a clown, I eat a clown every night I eat a clown every night, I live on their blood, I live on their blood Okay so we gotta get, we gotta get a lot of clowns to feed our horse I'm chopping up clown bits to feed my horse, I'm like this is not what I thought running a store would be I'm there looking at books, go, we're going through so many clowns

Ah Jack, can we, can we Do you think we're in a stable with some hay? There's so many clowns Stable with some hay Longer like can we stretch out the clouds dude? It's all clowns! Hey, devil horse, have you tried hay? Don't come any closer! I'll eat your throat, I'll eat your throat! Give me the hay, give me the hay! Make sure you're close, man! I wanna eat your hand!

Brush me, brush me, brush me! Okay. I'm the only one that's like, I've got the mental prowess to stay in the room with the horse for longer than five minutes. I don't like what it's saying. It's like going to brush the horse and just like, brush off your hands, Jack.

Bro, I don't know. I have a problem. My brushing hands are gone. Brush with your feet. Or like, as you're brushing somehow, it's like making the horse bleed, but that's good. Duh! I don't have this.

Jack, I collected all the horse blood from when I was brushing it. I don't know if you sell that. Tip it out. We could sell it, maybe we feed it to the clowns. Make some profit back. It's crazy clowns keep applying. Well you know that circus, Jackson Circus, a lot of clowns go in, not a lot of clowns go out. I've got to see what the hype's about. Also not a lot of jobs for clowns

yeah that's the one horse what could we be doing juggling we do like a pre-show I don't know strange you're gonna hire a clown is it

different but you're in a clown I get a little funny I think with the Is it different butchering a clown or a regular guy? It's a little funny. I think with decapitating human beings you probably don't want to include another guy. That's going to be a dark secret we keep between us because it's either us or the clowns. The horse lives on clown flesh and there's nothing we can do about it. But you've got to do what you've got to do in the Great Depression. Needs must, you know?

Exactly. Needs must. Okay, gotta do in the Great Depression. It needs must, you know? Exactly. It needs must. Um, okay. So you make the Earth bigger? So then the moon's not that big. Okay. And then I take the moon. I guess it would, if you're growing in proportion to everything else, you're growing to match the gravitation of the whole... Everything is as big as everything else.

But is... But then it happens. What? If you make everything is big though but that means that everything including the Sun and including just shooting are you making everything on a big or everything on earth the same size no everything on earth big okay okay but as big as everything else in the sense of like it's times a thousand But is it a so this card and me different sizes yeah for people listening at home. I picked up a card It's a prop comment. Yeah

This card and me different sizes yeah times birth by a thousand were big But I can still pick up the card if you change the earth's gravitational pull that much Do you actually want to be big or wide? Jackson think who you're asking We got we got one brain cell Bailey between us, but imagine so okay the Earth's gravitational pull is it's cuz um what it's so fucking I know gravity if you imagine a flat piece of fabric down and right and Newton do something that stuff gets sucked into where the ball is but

if the bigger the ball it's dancer right the bigger the ball, It's denser, right? The more the hole. Yeah. Well, wait, no, hang on. No way. Cause I'm just thinking. If you're making it big though, you're not changing the mass. So.

Everyone's extremely light. In a way, right? Same way. Well, yeah, but you spread over bigger. So now everyone, everything is. I think when the moon hits your hand, it will go through your palm. Cause if you're not increasing the density you're because you're not increasing mass, right? Yeah Well, no actually no, I probably would be yeah

Scientists like an Using a grope in the same way that grew has a shrinking grade that makes the moon light Yes, yes, my my thing makes it big then it's gonna wait Its proportions are gonna go up. Yeah, but if he's with a shrinking ray and then it's light He's gotten rid of so much Matt. Yes. So when you may then I when it goes I go big and then I put that so then everyone's got mass. Yeah, okay Well, I'm gonna be fucked up. Yes but then we have a guy have the same amount of mass as say like

Earth what no cuz Earth's big. Yeah, but if you are you're so big that you can grab the moon The moon in a in a in a in a club. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you personally or the human personally Yeah, a human's gonna have so much mass. Yeah, they will be very dense earth is gonna be even denser. Yes. Yes We get our own gravitational pull Which is good to cut but we all do But then everything around us is also as have you made earth gravitational pull bigger than say the Sun's maybe Wider in this why why because if you get on a planet talking about gravity which is fine but then you never came back to why because heavier gravity mm-hmm means that there's more

pull down yeah so actually you don't want to be so you're expanding the fact of like yeah so if there's more gravity There's a stronger gravitational pull which pulls you down Yeah, and there are some planets where every human being you would step on you get paid But you are then applying that to Cartoon I guess you ought to be wider you are right, but thing is I am right You know I think so, but we're also gaining mass so that our own gravitational pull Like counterreacts it. That's like I don't know physics man

Man can't go to one of the planets. We were just talking about where the gravity will flatten you just if they're very short But why it doesn't might help? No, it's't! Cause that's... Is that Stalkia? No, it's... the whole thing is... Dancer bones? No! The whole thing with that is, the gravitational pull is so hectic that it will crush us, like our bodies... The gaps between our spine...

Yeah, like it's like... It's not that we're not wide enough to fucking... handle it. But at the bottom of the sea... Why would that help? And it. But at the bottom of the sea. Why would that help? No, not at the bottom of the sea either. Cause you're spreading out the, with a water pressure.

Anyway. That little fucking dumb cunt boat that died. Yes. I remember. Visiting the other stupid boat that died. Yes. Yes. If they were wider, it still would have happened.

But what about those fish on the bottom of the sea for though are really flat the blob? fish yeah, but that's their built their entire Molecular makeup is different like those feet you talk about the fish that apparently look good down underneath But I'm talking about they look all fucked up And that's what they look like pressure, but the bottom of the sea floor a lot of fish are really flat Because it's so much pressure. Yeah, and you kind of they look like. Fish, well that's just pressure, but that's- The bottom of the sea floor, a lot of fish are really flat. Mm-hmm. Because it gives so much pressure.

Yeah, and you kind of spread it out so it doesn't- Yeah, but it's already- Just spread it out so you're wider. No, it makes sense. I don't think if a human being was wider, we could live on Mars. No. I admit that. If you're standing up-

That's a bad example. Mars, I think, is one of the chiller ones. It would be good to be wide. No, no, no, no. Okay, so if you're standing up straight, and the gravitational pull rapidly increases, you will then be crippled because you'd be being forced down and maybe your brain goes into your rectum. Yeah, you shoot your own brain. Whereas say if you were lying flat because the you know, it's and we would design that way we wider that and like that kind of thing we would probably be able to survive a bit better. Yeah, I think it's good to be wide.

However, yes, what JD is doing by expanding the earth probably be able to survive a bit better. Yeah, I think it's good to be wide. Anyway. However. Yes. What JD is doing by expanding the earth, he's also expanding us, but I don't know if we expand proportionally in terms of like with mass and gravitational and everything, if that was also like everything is fine. I think it's a delicate ecosystem that is bad.

I don't think you should battle with it. No, I think it'll be chill. But I think it's awesome that you are. Yeah. And then when we get the moon, I can shrink everything back down, and we just had a big day What would you do with the moon? Sell it oh nice nice nice nice better. Yeah, okay? Well, okay, hey the oceans are fucked up now who wants to buy the moon and fix that you'll be a hero Yeah, I guess yes, you know we have to give me X amount of dollars

But also not put me in jail, and if you me in jail, I put a bomb in the moon That'll blow up the moon and blow up the moon. I don't want that Okay, look I guess you know instead of shrinking down the moon. We just in big and everything Yeah, she's also a great idea. No, I I had a different approach. Yeah. So what is the moon? Basically rock a big rock. Yeah, now, what do we know? Defeat rock paper. what do we know defeat rock? Paper? Correct.

What is paper? Wood. I propose a big bat. To bat? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to get a big bat and I'm going to bat the moon somewhere, secret it away. Maybe I'll construct something out of wood. Maybe let's see if I can come up with this as I'm talking like the horses all right

what I'm going to do is I'm gonna build a very large horse like structure which I'm gonna do in case the moon okay maybe I'll build two of them and then I'll send maybe several of them several of them send them away and only I know where the moon is and then I will ransom the moon for money. So, okay, can I just lay out what your plan is, as far as I can tell? Make ten Trojan horse spaceships. Which are big enough to contain the moon. I guess you make a bigger ship to contain those so that they don't burn up, except in the atmosphere.

You wrap the moon up in one of them. I don't know why you made many. Oh, cause then it's like, well, which one is it in? But also if there's 10, that could be bigger than Earth. How big is the moon? It's like the size of Australia. It's pretty big. As far as I can tell, I feel like I can imagine a diagram

of Australia and the moon over it. What if I, can you? I think it's a fine plan. We just need to figure out what's going on yeah I'm just trying to like yeah because you want to encase the moon in some sort of right yeah structure and then we want to transport that away maybe using some kind of tow truck okay and we need to hide that behind hmm a planet you're gonna hide about the only things in space okay you hide it behind Jupiter. You can't hide something behind a planet.

Why not? Because planets move. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be sitting there. Well, I guess it'll get caught in Jupiter's gravitational pull. Yeah, so it'll be orbiting. Is your idea to put these wooden planetoids... Yes.

...orbiting a bunch of different planets, or is it just like this 10 orbiting Jupiter? And we're like was probably one of them or you go to many different planets. I think many different planets I have a horse moon orbiting every planet including ass No, okay Taking our moon and giving it to someone else at random, sir I guess let's say you're then making eight because then that's the amount of planets yeah sure I'm accounting Pluto because I respect to both planets yeah me too he's a good guy Pluto yeah even if it is just like a frozen ice cold or whatever yeah and then you ransom it you say how are you getting it back?

tow truck okay yeah, radio, radio. What if, so we have the technology for all of this to happen. Yeah. Now, what about if someone was like, oh, that's okay, and then they used the equivalent of like a big X-ray and scanned them. Yeah, great question, cause it is just wood. And you should probably be able to tell.

Can you X-ray through wood? Yes. I think... I know they can't through lead. Yes, that's true. Wow. Lead horse? Lead inside the wood structure.

Oh, lead lined wood horse. Lead lined wood horse. Lead lined wood horse. Lead lined wood horse mood. Yeah, I was afraid, because what beats wood? Scissors. Scissors, but also fire. So that's a big hazard in space I can only assume well It's not that much fire if you're away from the planets and away from the sun the sun is famously Well, if you don't go in the direction of the Sun you go yeah, so I can't go to be to the cloud

Yeah, it's mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Yeah, it's Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Hide them in one of the gas planets dude Yeah, no one can't be bothered looking in there. Oh, you know who we're talking about getting flat. Yeah Going through the core of Jupiter Okay, so you watch the horse go into Jupiter and you're waiting at the other side and nothing comes out Yeah, I think it must have been portal, but it wasn't a portal. It just exploded. Go to Saturn.

Yeah. That's a lovely, you know, kind of flimsy light material. Yes. And you know, I reckon Wood can withstand that. And so we just go there. Wait, wait, what? Saturn. Oh, Saturn, the material.

I see. Yeah. The planet. Okay, okay, okay, okay. No, you're sending the horse to Saturn the planet. Yeah. Are you putting it in the ring? What huh? Satin's got a ring. Yeah, but I was not that big. It's pretty big. It's pretty big

Is it the second did you know it's either crocodiles or sharks are older than the rings of satin? Yeah, I think it's sharks That's fucking crazy. That is fucking crazy. Fuck. I thought I braced myself You know crocodiles or sharks are named after Saturn? Yeah, I thought he was going to be like, did you know there's like an innate ability of either crocodiles or sharks when they look up to the rings of Saturn? But instead you just hit us with an actual normal thing. Yeah, isn't that crazy?

I think it's awesome that they made sharks and they were like, we don't need to improve on this. These sharks, hey, they're good. Where they at? That works. We don't need to improve on this. These sharks, hey they good where they at. That works. We don't need to add anything or take anything away. Which shark is that? I think it's just sharks as a species.

It's not all of them. It can't be every shark. Every shark alive today was alive before Saturn had a ring. There are those Greenland sharks that are like 500 years old. That's what I'm asking. It's just sharks as a genus of an animal. So a single shark has not evolved? No, obviously sharks, you know how we're fucking apes?

Yeah. And there have been apes for fucking- I hope we're not, Jackson. There's been apes for thousands of years. Yes. Yeah. It's like sharks. The modern versions of sharks are an evolved form of the shark

The proto shark That's actually not exciting though No, but like, the proto shark has not changed that much Yeah, but who's the proto shark? Proto shark What do you mean? Basically a shark I think you're both saying different things and it's confusing me

Am I? Am I? I don't think so So Jackson's saying sharks The genesis of shark Yeah, basically like looks like the modern-day shark. Yeah, it has the features by which scientists can tell if an animal is a shark as opposed to say a dog. Or a whale. Yeah. And then that collection of identifying elements, which means shark, has existed largely unchanged in its current form to today and And at some point in its life as a option

for being an animal, Satin got its rings. Yeah, basically there's two sharks and they're like, or there's many different sharks and the sharks are like, oh, look at that, look at that Greg shark. He has a different fin or like a different size teeth or whatever. Should we fuck that guy and be like,

yeah, let's continue that and then sharks went No, no, no, no, no, we're pretty good Chucks are like I think I've actually nailed it. So that's that's what I'm talking about Yeah, is what you just described is the slight evolution. Yeah, so they haven't evolved pretty much No, not really, but then so no shark types have evolved? Well, probably, yes, some have. So then when I go and say, which shark do you mean, that means there must be a shark that hasn't evolved? No.

Sharks as a genu- it's like saying, imagine if I said apes. Yeah. Okay, apes have existed, this is not true for apes, let's say it was true for apes. I say, apes have existed as an option, as a kind kind of animal and there are many different kinds of apes And I don't mean Chippez's or Baboon's. I mean apes is the sort of broad category. I understand now why there are so many arguments about evolution is because the three of us are maybe the stupidest people on earth And trying to explain like you know the of this, which is like I get it, but trying to either wrap my head around it

Yeah, it can be a little confusing and can be like yeah, but what do you mean? Because if you're saying the sharks existed, but there's many types of sharks. So how could that be true? Therefore the Christian God is the right God. I get it. I get how you can get to them. Yeah, yeah, make sense I'm not saying I have an issue with the fact. I believe that sharks have existed for as long as you're saying sharks have existed. What I was trying to get to the bottom of is the claim that they haven't changed since this. I think basically the basic form of a shark.

And then I- Which one? What's the basic form? We're talking about a flat one, we're talking about a wide one, we're talking about a little one. This is what I mean! Well, I don't know the identifying markers of a shark. And the genetic makeup of a shark, because that's how fucking animals work, okay? You can tell genetically why one animal belongs to this specific sub-family of animals. You've done a much better way of explaining it now when you've been frustrated.

Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta get to that point. What you were saying before wasn't answering my question, but that sort of did. Genetically, sharks have stayed in the same basic, it's like with crocodiles, which is very similar. No, shut up, hear me out. There used to be a crocodile that had much longer legs like a dog and ran, which is very scary. You know what I'm glad that when crocodiles gave the choice I went with a fucking that one.

I like that one. But he was still a crocodile genetically. So crocodiles genetically, the crocodilian life form has existed, I don't know if that's the same with Saturn, they've existed a long time. Possibly longer than caves, one of them's longer than caves. That rules. Or, no, maybe that's not true. It can't really be true. What I think I'm thinking of is- The moment that there was any impact with Earth, like any impact at all.

Yeah, I had it backwards. I had it backwards. The finer cave. The story is that they found a cave in the Appalachian mountains Which is older than life. Because they were like why are there no fossils in this or anything? Oh, there was no chance Yeah, anyway Old hole Old asshole

Kind of worthless Well yeah, there's no good shit Well I guess you get really old- Really old rocks. Mm-hmm. I think if you cracked into that cave, because it was like a pocket. Yeah. The moment you breathed in that air,

you died. You died? Surely. That's a whole lot of hair. It's like the stuffiest a place can be. Is the best thing instead of stealing the moon, like threatening to steal the moon, I feel? Like I know that Gru did it.

Yeah. I know JD did it. And with my little Trojan horses, I think you did it. Yeah, sure. But I'm like, know that grew did it yeah JD did it and with my little Trojan horse I think you did it, but I'm like if I just got a very large say like a like a pool like you know Q Yeah, and I was like I will threaten to knock it out of orbit I think it would be hard for them to stop you so I think I think with the threat though with something Because I want that I want I'm assuming oh like Dr. Evil $1 million? Yeah Yeah, I'm assuming, oh, like Dr. Evil, $1 million. $1 million?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, the problem with threatening something that big is the threat has to remain forever because the moment the threat goes, you're going. Yeah, you need to have that backup plan. So that pool cue needs to be next to the moon the whole time and you're like, give me $1 million.

Yeah. Or I'm rocketing the moon out into space and if they give you a million dollars then you remove the pool cue then you get balls in there. I love a pool cue because surely it would hit orbit of Earth and then it would just start sweeping the surface knocking planets fucking Okimbo. Whoops. So I didn't fuck the moon up on purpose. Still owe me a million bucks and I'll fix it. Whoops! Ohhhh! Well... Sorry, I didn't fuck the moon up on purpose. Yeah, hey! Still owe me a million bucks and I'll fix it.

I can't fix it. Just like, slamming satellites down. Whoops. We should do that. We should stick a big broom into space from Earth and just clean it. Because it seems to debris there. Yeah! Just hold it up there.

Just kind of sweep whatever. They're like, yeah, years going by. The idea of like a space elevator. Yeah, people still talk about that as an option of getting into space which I never really which seems dangerous It's like a cool idea. Yeah, then it's like it the more Spaceship and debris we've got up there seems like bad It seems like you're gonna be halfway up the elevator and just see an old like Fox News satellite coming Hey, what's like a screw tiny screw? going a million miles an hour going into my face. I saw a thing the other day which was like this is a real plan that this architect has which almost definitely it was just

Yeah, it would have been fake. But it was um we get a meteor. Yeah. One that orbits Earth. Yeah. And then we build an upside-down skyscraper. Yes. So that it and it was like they had like a map of the earth and they were like in 24 hours it will do a complete loop back to where it started and they're like you go to work because we're running out of space you go to work you get to the top of one skyscraper, climb a ladder into the other one and then that takes you to like fucking the Amazon or wherever you know Brazil whatever you want to go and then after 24 hours takes you back to your... Meteor travel. Meteor travel. Imagine missing that one. Or wherever you know Brazil whatever you want to go and then after 24 hours takes you back to your travel

Meteor travel imagine missing that one Or being caught on the ladder between them as and they're not getting I think that would mist you Think you would become a rain on the people below To the outside of an airplane be fast enough to miss, do you reckon? I don't know. No, because I've seen a video of a pilot who- Oh yeah, gets sucked out the front of the- He gets sucked out the front and he doesn't become just legs.

Oh yeah, and the co-pilot holds his legs and he's like, I guess I'm just holding this man so we can bury him. And then when they land, they're like, oh shit, you're alive! And he's like, damn. Bro. Bro, I have real bad frostbite. I got what you call like, what's like, intense, intense PTSD.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you feel flying. I've got intense PTSD and windburn. Wasn't it a bird? It was like... Wasn't it a bird that flew into the screen? Like the windscreen? Maybe, I don't know. Or was it like a faulty something? Yeah, the windscreen towards the hole and then Then he got sucked out Or was it like a faulty something and this?

I don't know Yeah, the windscreen came off maybe? Yeah, well there was a... Definitely, it came off when there was a hole or something The copilot was maybe trapped in a... He got sucked off by it and then blocked the hole Imagine the front windows coming off and both the pilot and copilot getting sucked out And they're just opening the door to check on them and there's just no one flying the plane

My favorite plane crash is one where the black box recording Makes a joke about how before they take off They've got to talk about the intimate dating lives of flight attendants Yes, like a year or two ago a plane crashed because the pilots were talking about a flight attendant and who they're dating and they Weren't paying attention to something and crash the plane and then by them joking around like that They crashed their plane so that black box recording linked anyway. That's so funny. Yeah Um yes, what are you gonna? How you doing this plane? So I'm gonna play me how am I selling this plane? Well step one and this is probably not necessary. Well, this is necessary step one. I buy a lot of land

I mean a lot of way and got are we talking like a country? Yeah, like a country size. Say I buy Australia. Country or small islands, okay, country. Then, however big the moon is. Then, okay, I get a teleporter. Build a teleporter. First thing I'm gonna do, real quick, just gonna teleport myself there with a flag, plant a flag with my face on it, teleport back.

That's just for if anything legal happens, I could be like, it's my moon. There's already a flag on the moon. I'd get rid of their flags. Yeah, there's no evidence of anyone. It's unoccupied. Yeah. In an occupied territory.

Squatter's rights. Squatter's rights. Then I teleport the moon to my backyard. And bada bing bada boom. No one's gonna move it, it's too heavy. And I'm not sort of ranting or anything, it's just like a talking piece. A conversation piece. My backyard, most of Australia.

Yeah yeah. I have a house up at like the top of Queensland and then behind me is the moon. And people come around and they go that's interesting and I say it's the moon. Would you believe? Would you believe? You know how we have no tides anymore? And a lot of human life is done. Is that the most funny story actually?

I teleported it to my backyard. I suppose it's not that funny a story. Anyway, thank you for coming to visit. Yeah, that's basically my plan. It's a sample, but I think it works. I think the best plans are the most simple ones. And with a teleporter with a big enough backyard. Exactly.

What? The only thing that I can see yes, I was gonna say Well, you actually probably don't even need like that much land. Yeah, because it's a moon's a sphere. That's true That's true. There'll be one little point. Yeah, well, maybe I could have it so people could be living under the curve Yeah, maybe I'll have a little plinth. Yeah The moon yeah, and I'll just rest the moon on top and then people can live under the in the shadow of the moon Exactly, and I just know that's my moon. I own it and I can look at it whenever I want. It's my flag I'm gonna launch

operation 60s America when you do that and try and nuke the moon. Why would you do that? Yeah Same reason they almost did it in the 60s to piss off Russia. Yeah scare Russia. Russia's not gonna care dude It's my mood. I'm gonna care.. To piss off Russia? Yeah. Scare Russia? Russia's not gonna care dude, it's my moon. I'm gonna care. Yeah. You piss off me. Yeah. I say why would you do that? You could come and look at it. Dude, I was worried you're gonna win the the space race. So I'm nuking a moon. It's a space race, what, just a walk to the moon now? Yeah. I guess it's dangerous to have it in a ploom because it's so small. Yeah, you know about the moon

Rolling over my house and then into the ocean Yeah floating away what would happen if something that big rolled into the ocean could it roll? No, actually yeah, cuz great it would be too tall. Oh, right. Oh like gravity gravity We just sucking it right there. Yeah Yeah, do you think that there would be there's any danger in? Yeah instantly teleporting something of that size and mass. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, we talking like Cartoon logic or science? Well, I can bullshit enough to answer one of them. Yeah the second one I'm not clever enough to answer that but I would assume bad I kind of imagine it would because I know that the orbit of like the moon and earth and the Sun

Yes, they're like precision Couple of centimeters you're fucked and I feel like adding that much mass to the earth Maybe we just get suckers just enough into the earth's gravitational pull So you have some sorry that we're just gonna yeah, how big is you were saying because we don't know how big is the moon you say I'm as big as Australia Yeah, so now remind me I guess I mean jury still out. Yeah, but like how big was that meteor that took out them dinos Yeah, smaller than smaller than small in Australia. I think it's the same size. No, wait, no, that's the movie. It's like the size of our bay. And yes, yes, I understand as a meteor it's coming in with force. Coming in hot.

Coming in hot with force and like, you know, that's what's causing that like impact there, of course. But there's like a lot of mass there. But like, yeah, introducing heaps of mass at one point. In one moment? In one moment. I don't know if it's gonna, I think it might knock us into the sun. Something bad might happen.

Sure. But I don't think it'll be straight away Yeah, that's we might not realize for a bit. You're definitely too. I guess the the earth access might be what off kilter a bit Yes, well, that's what I'm worried about and then rather than a lovely circle. We start going we start Like spinning an egg if you knew you had a week left until Earth hit the Sun Yeah, how would you spend that week? Uh is it a week because I'm like sure the Sun but I'm like, yeah This atmosphere is gonna burn around. Well yeah sure. So it's like a week until we're all dead. Yeah, yeah, cuz if it's like a don't look up situation versus I don't know why I went to don't look up

There's plenty of movies or a fucking seeking a friend at the end of the world You know situation where it's like the okay or melancholia there was lots to go to yeah yeah drugs yeah drugs what do you reckon is that speaking of for the end of the world yeah who's that actor that's in Steve Correll will they rob you you were closer than Steve Correll actually no Steve Correll's in the movie yeah I know Rob Corduroy is doing heroin with his wife and kid. How long do you reckon, that's awesome, how long do you reckon is the perfect amount of time to have left on this earth? Because-

A minute. Less than. No. A second. Don't let me know. Wrap, wrap, two in the head. I don't wanna say coming, Jack. But I think that untethered, you know,

last nothing matters anymore, you wanna enjoy that a bit, but also you don't want too long no I think it was a month. That's terrible. Yeah, because some people would go early. Yeah, yeah, I think I mean again This is a movie we're talking about But I'm pretty sure that that exact thing happens in seeking a friend for the end of the world where they've got six or eight weeks Yeah, like it's terrible. It's too long at the start people are just like's like a weird mix of like people being like well Okay, yeah, and then other people being like well, I'm starting my end of the world party now. Yeah. Yeah for sure

I think it's too deep and it's enough time that I could return a little bit to normalcy Where I'm like well, I still got a shit You know what I mean? You have to keep up some stuff for that time. Yeah, it's terrible. A week I think is good or three days one weekend Whoa Friday morning, hey Earth's blowing up Monday morning. Yeah, like brother. I got three days to go fucking crazy I got three days to die It's like nothing will happen. So like yeah, no one will go to work. Yeah, because like nothing will happen. So like, yeah, no one will go to work. Yeah. Yeah. Money is meaningless. Yeah. Everything is either well, neither nor closed nor open.

Yeah. Broken into. There would be. You can't go anywhere unless you your car is say you have a car and it is say full of petrol. Yeah. Because presumably you ain't going to be able to fill up because that's going to be torn to shreds. It is what would probably happen. And I don't mean this in a conspiracy way, just because it would be total global anarchy. Governments would try and suppress it somewhat so that society stays stable, governable, just in case it doesn't happen. We do figure something out, yeah, for sure.

They lie to us and then like, as I beautifully within a minute to spare like hey, what's that? And then we're gone. Yeah, that's the time. We're gone. I'm like, oh No, I want that Anna. I want the three days. I love Zabat saying what's that like he's forgotten why we're partying What's that? The comet If the government kept everything from us. Oh, I say if it was a big secret big secret weekend the government all the government officials there sweating But you know average Joe dickhead is here being like oh, yeah, maybe I don't know I'll have a bit of a sleep. Oh, yeah, I have a brunch. I keep thinking then no Monday morning Rosemary and I'm like Monday morning Rosaria and I'm like, oh

What's that? Gone gone eradicate. Yeah, no time to think it. I keep thinking about if I knew I had like the whole weekend They're like Friday morning. They're like it's coming and then like I don't know. I don't know something stopped like I got stuck in the toilet Well, okay, I'm gonna take a quick shit in this construction site port-a-john because I want to get you know I want to see I want to see it. I oh close the door walk Like you just hear the anarchy happening outside Well, I was imagining Friday morning and I've got till Hearing everyone else having this great chaotic time You're covered in shit Let me out! Hello? Hello?

Gone Yeah But then also it's three days so you just be like well whatever it's coming Oh yeah you think being locked in a toilet for three days would be fine? Well no but I know it's gonna be over pretty quickly Yeah that's true Like this bad now but soon it'll be um nothing It'll be zero

I definitely wanna watch the comment hit Yeah dude me too It'll be zero. I definitely want to watch the comment hit. Yeah dude, me too. It'll be very exciting and then very scary. Yeah. I think that in a situation like that, you probably go post-feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess like we have evidence of like what,

I guess this would be like of like, if we give someone the electric chair, like what's happening right before you like, ooh? Yeah, yeah, very true. Some people take it like a champ. Yeah Some people less calm. Yeah. Yeah, it's there. Why you screaming at a car with how do you be? Kill me. I'm in the toilet. What's happening?

They pull the lever and somehow the fucked up the wiring and it's Electrocuted with the smell of burning shit around then they just like stop it wrong with it. I'll try again That's awesome that it went from That's an hour. I just got trapped in the porta-party separate. That was just a thing that happened in my day That's me calling you guys being like I can't come into work. I'm trapped in a- it happened Yeah, I got trapped in a port-a-loo and accidentally given the electric chair, but I'm okay, but it does really hurt And I stink like baked shit It's real bad Yeah, really good methods to steal the moon I reckon hurt Yeah, really good methods to steal the moon

No messes all hits Stands no chance against us. Yeah, exactly. And I hope that the damn beaver is happy with the answer Yeah, I hope we did exactly what you wanted to yeah I feel you know a group might have a beat with being quick with his shrink ray, but I think with the teleportation, I reckon you probably beat him to the punch. Absolutely. We just make his shrink ray too big to use. Yeah, exactly. You make your shrink ray big, I teleport him into space. Yeah, and he dies.

And Dammit encases him in a wooden coffin. And I just, oh, you scared a bat! Yeah, we beat the shit out of him in space. Nature's oldest technology. Yeah. Well, on that note, I've been Joe. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joe.

And we're coming for you, Gru, you motherfucker. Better watch out. You're dead, Gru. I'm telling the tax man about your kids. Yeah. ["The Last Post-Schooler's Dilemma"] ["The Last Post-Schooler's Dilemma"] ["The Last Post-Schooler's Dilemma"]

You want a Coke first or a water first? Hmm, do I start? It's a minimal question. It is the classic, it's the douche's dilemma they call it. I'm in douche's dilemma. I didn't need two drinks, it's just, I was gonna get a water and then I saw the Coke and then I was like, but I should drink more water.

Yeah, but I've had heaps of water today already. You can have some Coke. I'll have a little bit of Coke. It's healthy for you. Yeah. Good for your T-zone. Good for you, yeah, Coke's great, dude. Hey dude, look at the fucking nut. Tea? Ah? And? Oh wait, no, it's-zone. Good for you. Yeah, coke's great, dude. Hey, dude. Look at the fucking

point for and Wait, no, it's not this. It's on five four point five. This is three point five. Okay I can't remember what drink it is. It's something that you'd expect to be really good. Orange juice Yeah, juices are pretty old fucking juices man You look at the sugar content of a cake coke coke and look at the sugar content of like fucking orange Oh, I think I was thinking of feta cheese, which has a zero point five That's awesome. No cuz it was like it was just like a thing of like No, no, I'm just yeah Feta no, I get it, it's just very funny to get

to get Feta and Coca-Cola No, I actually got Feta and water Feta and water mixed up. It's just that's throwing me, that's all. It might have also been juice. Anyway, look there was like Coke's I mean regular Coke has a 0.5 as well but Coke Zero having 3.5 feels like

that is the most obvious sign that it's a scam. Yeah. Yeah. No sugar. No sugar. And there's poison that's in it's actually good for you. Yeah dude.

They fill this one with the good poison. Yeah. Not that poison. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.