Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Use Animorphing to Change the World?

Episode Date: October 8, 2023

It’s a story as old as time: Alien crash lands on earth, several spunky teens are close by, da alien lets them touch a blue cube and now they can turn into any animal they touch! While Jake, Cassie, Marco, Rachel and Tobias go and fight the slug like Yeerks we have different plans. Jackson wants to save gorillas, Zammit wants to sow political chaos and JD’s plan involves time travel and a loaf of bread. So worry not citizens of earth, we’re going to go touch dat rat and become dat rat we touched to really change the world. We never specified if it was for the better. We really want to emphasis that. Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Right.

Axel and Dan the Algamoth, whatever his name is, have been stroking out. Guys, stop the episode. Our friend's sick. Our friend's sick. Someone call the police. Look at his fucking name and tell me it's not close. His name's Ax-something.

It was just so funny Axel Gander right Gelsang Balad is Defango oh my sick friend the end the light has come

and he's like boys touch this cube brother I love touching cubes touch the cube he's now like now you gotta

stop the world from the yerk invasion we're like fuck off we got other plans yeah we're gonna change the world baby we're gonna anim stop the world from the yerk invasion. We're like, fuck off. We got other plans. Yeah, we're going to change the world, baby. We're going to animorph the world better. Now, a little stipulation, which I think maybe you have forgotten.

Uh-oh. To turn into an animal, you have to touch that animal. Oh, no, I'm going to get Harambe. Well, that's not so bad for me, actually. It's way better for the gorilla. So the first animal you touch after touching the cube is the one you animal-off into? No, no, no. Basically, like a Pokemon, you've got to collect them all.

You collect the idea of them, basically. How much do you have to touch them? Great question. How deep in? I think he's got to pet them. Deep in? How involved do I need to get with the animal? He's hurt the fist of whale, all right?

Jackson, hey, what are you doing? Well, I want to become a whale later, so I'm, you know, fingering it. I think you've misunderstood the assignment, dude. Assignment? Huh. Okay, so you have to

touch the animal first. And also, another thing is you can't stay in that animal's form for, how long is it? Is it an hour? I think I can still do my plan with an hour as this animal. I think it's an hour and then you're stuck in that animal. You've got your brain where you're stuck in the animal. Wait, so you've got an hour and then if you stay longer than an hour,

you fuck it? Yeah, if you don't morph out. What's the down time? The recovery time? What's the downside what's the downside to being an animal I think you just

go back to yourself and be like oof and back into being an animal oof oof ok so I can keep

I think it's an hour but you'd have to double check and I don't have my little machine on me it's charging because I tried to charge it before but then I fucked it oh it's right there in front of me

it's got no battery this is a fine thing to burn your battery through oh yeah so does that mean I could say I've got a rat in my pocket

yeah okay you don't know that I don't you don't need a rat in your pocket you just need to have handled a rat

no because so say I want to keep becoming a rat I touch the rat yeah I become a rat yeah then I

two hours two hours two hours passes I turn back into me I touch the rat again I don... Two hours. Two hours passes. I turn back into me. I touch the rat again. I don't think you have to touch the rat a second time. No, no, no.

You just gotta touch it once. Once you've touched that rat once, you're good. It's added to your inventory. You can now acquire that rat. That solves a lot of problems for me. Nearly said that. Causes a lot of problems. Don't know how that communicates.

It could. I usually don't want to touch my rat a lot. So two hours, then you got to turn back. Yeah. But it's not like a fucking, it's not like post-cum where you got like a 15 minutes to recharge before your dick works again. I think you could have said like a video game or something. Yeah, I don't know.

I think you can just jump right back into it. Do you become that specific rat? Yes. You're that rat. Oh shit, here comes that rat. Oh shit. That Dat Rat Oh shit Dat Rat So I become Dat Rat

That I touch Yeah Yeah Because you're getting Dat DNA Okay Interesting Okay

I become Dat Rat That I touch Interesting stuff To become Dat Rat That I touch Boys You know Dat Rat That I touch

Yeah I'm Dat Rat Oh shit Oh shit He Dat Rat Do I Can I talk as Dat Rat Boys, you know that rat that I touched? Yeah. That rat. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. He that rat. Do I, can I talk as that rat? No. Okay.

You're just that rat. I'm just squeaking at you and you're like, oh, rat. Oh, shit, rat. Oh, shit, it's that rat. Yeah. You know, once I've read them, like, can you have, do you have telepathy? Because I know the Andalites might have limited telepathy because i know the andalites might have limited telepathy you know what the one andalites they're the elfeng or what's his name

there's a stroke monster i'm gonna find that motherfucker's actual name lucky a little machine wasn't yeah i know it's got to do 14 i got another question say i'm that right okay yeah yeah Come on Say that fucking word It's uh I'm a Yeah Aximile Exeruth

Isthil Seropedia Vandal I think you got it That's a guy Yeah yeah yeah So if I'm dat rat Yeah

And I touch Another animal While I'm dat rat Yeah Can I then Become dat animal If I'm that rat, and I touch another animal while I'm that rat, can I then become that animal? If I'm a rat that touches a horse? I think so, actually. Doesn't count. I think you have to be your human form.

Interesting. Interesting. Okay. Good to know. Good to know. Because some animals you can only touch if you're a rat. Yeah. Can I have one example?

Okay. Here's the rules. No, no, no, no, no. Joel's Can I have one example? Okay. Here's, here's, here's the, here's the move. No, no, no, no, no. Joel's on the shut up for one second. Hi, Jackson. Yes. Great point you raised there. Can you give me a list of one animal that you can only touch as a rat?

Well, okay. You can, it's just easier to touch them if you're a rat. Uh-huh. Like? Any animal at the zoo. He's got a good point, actually. It's probably easier to touch most things as a rat than it is to touch as a human. But, so the animal I want to touch for my plan to change the world is a gorilla.

Uh-huh. If I'm a rat and I get into the gorilla mode, does my chance of survival just plummet? Uh-huh. Okay. You're getting like, eh. That would be so awesome to see. Yeah. To watch a gorilla

You're like there's a rat in the gorilla Oh shit there's that rat Oh that gorilla ate that rat Oh my god there's that rat that Jackson touched Is he that rat? I hope not I hope he ate that rat because that rat there Okay so you cannot morph directly

From one morph to another And therefore must return to your base form First however it's not impossible to do so. There's some bullshit there, but let's just not do that. Do not engage. No, thank you. You cannot acquire a morph directly

from another person's morph or acquire a morph while you are in a morph. So if I'm like, hey, this is that rat that Jackson touched. I'm going to take his... It's Jackson. I can't become this rat. Turn back, Jackson. Jackson, you said this rat. Turn back, Jackson.

Jackson, you said we were going to all become rats. Jackson, clock's ticking, dude. Motherfucker. And then there is a time limit that is, yes, two Earth hours. And if you don't, you're stuck and you become a nofflet. Nofflet? Okay. That can't be how.

Nofflet? Yeah, nofflet. All right, fair enough. We don't want to be noff out. Nothlet? Yeah, Nothlet. Fair enough. We don't want to be Nothlets. I've definitely read it, and I'm like, I've never said it out loud, and that sounds silly. It does. So, yeah, so two hours, that's your maximum. Yep.

You can become any animal you touch. Yep. You can't jump from animal to animal. You can't become a man in the middle. Yep. Also, just additionally, this is kind of fun because if you, say, acquire a creature

that either goes natural metamorphosis like a caterpillar, the natural morphing would reset the clock allowing them to demorph because I think that happens to Cassie.

She becomes a caterpillar. Everyone's like, she's stuck as a caterpillar. But then she cocoons herself. It becomes a butterfly. And then she becomes herself again. That's very interesting.

Yeah. So you can experience metamorph again. That's very interesting. Yeah. So you could experience metamorphosis. That has been a dream of mine. That is awesome. Anyway, so those are the rules of animal things. Well, the dream of mine is actually to eat one of those, like a cocoon that a caterpillar's in, you know, when it becomes a goo.

Yeah. Why is that a dream? Because, like, that goo's got to be so special. What do you mean? You know this isn't a hard thing to achieve, right? It will make you sick. Like I should have done it.

Like because a caterpillar becomes just goo. Yeah, I know and they have memories. It's fucked up. Yeah, exactly. And then it becomes a butterfly. Like that's got to be

powerful ass goo. You like the idea of drinking the memory goo. Yeah. What's the difference though between say that and just eating a caterpillar? Well, the caterpillar's not goo.

Yeah, but it become goo and it has the same memories As what it will become But it doesn't have the same transformative power as the goo does But you've just decided it has transformative power Well no it does because it's an anamorphic It is magical It's how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly It becomes a goo A goo of tremendous power

Which I would love to consume Stick a straw in there and consume You're imagining them bigger than they are They're like They're straw-able They are They're straw-able Cocoon's

Depending on the butterfly A cocoon? Are you kidding me? They're huge Size of that can Cocoon That's what I was talking about A cocoon can be huge

Imagine the cocoon of like Say a monarch butterfly Yeah that'd be fucking ginormous. I'd be probably so huge, right? You could just munch on that like it's a goddamn samosa. No, but he wants to put a straw in it and drink the goo and see what happens to me. You could do that too. Why don't you do this?

Sick. Can I guess what had happened to you? Sick. You will get sick because you're just eating insect. Well, I guess not sick. You'd just be fine. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so I guess you'd have the knowledge if you ate it. Yeah, and I think that would... Yeah, you'd get a dream of yours. If I'm at currently, say, 90% power... That'll take the extra 10%. I'll be operating at 100% power if I eat that cocoon. What are some other dreams of yours? Are they also equally achievable?

None of them are of the same sort of... Protests? Yeah. Well, no. None of them are as transformative, I think, as eating the caterpillar. Why would you say that's transformative? Because it's a very powerful goo. You're making fun of liminal spaces recently.

This is pretty much just a liminal bug. So you say transformers were real. Yeah. And you got one of them like little transformers that, you know, like the cassette transformers that can transform. I think eating one of them would grant me sort of power as well. It would get me over the line.

Yeah. He's very dumb. It would get me over the line, I think. You know. All right. So, okay. You've touched that rat. I the line. Yeah, he's very dumb. It would get me over the line, I think. You know. All right, so, okay, you've touched that rat. I've touched, well, the rat. Don't worry about the rat.

My plan involves gorillas and trying to save them from extinction. Okay. Not my fucking nose. I'm not fucking a single gorilla as part of this strategy. Okay. I just become a gorilla. Oh, wait, I can't talk as a gorilla. But I can stand up like

a man. You can sign. Yeah, okay. Do you know how to sign? You can hold a pen. I can hold a pen. So I write. Yeah. I say we gorillas are sentient like human beings. This is proof you can

no longer poach us. And then I get us established as sort of a non-human sentient like human beings. This is proof you can no longer poach us. And then I get us established as sort of a non-human sentient creature. What are they going to do the moment? What are you going to do the moment that they grab a different gorilla? No, no, no. What happens? Two hours pass. I have about one hour and 59 minutes goes by,

and I'm like, excuse me a moment. I must go to the bathroom. I'm in a court, I imagine. Then I go to the bathroom, change into a guy, change back into a gorilla, and I return. And I just do that every two hours. And then I enter a court case, like in Ted 2, to prove that I'm a guy.

And all gorillas. Talk us through day zero of this plan. Okay, day zero involves becoming a rat. Thinking about it now, because that's the only way to touch a gorilla at the zoo. Become a rat. Sneak into the gorilla enclosure. Quickly become a man. Touch a gorilla.

Become a rat as fast as I can. How... Gorilla enclosure. How enclosed is it? Because you do a bird. That's probably smarter. Because you can fly over. Also, you're going to want to do this at night, so it will be

breaking into the zoo, because if there is any witnesses, your entire plane goes out the window. Also, it's like, hey, that gorilla looks remarkably like that gorilla in the zoo. Okay, well, maybe I need to kill one gorilla.

To save the gorillas. To save all gorillas. I gotta kill one gorilla. I killed that gorilla at the zoo. Hang on, this might maybe alter your plan. You understand that photographs exist, yeah? I'm just trying to reduce the amount of gorilla death.

Fair enough. That axolite. Yeah. So what he does to make a new human because he's like, I've got to be a human to blend in. He touches all the animorphs

and then the human form and like makes an amalgamation. Oh, I can do. Okay. And so you could I've got to touch a lot of gorillas. I think all at the same time. That's going to be hard

to coordinate. Well, no. If I become a rat, and I make the gorillas chase me, then all the gorillas grab me. You think that the way that a rat But remember, you can't. You have to be you.

Well, no. All the gorillas grab me. I become me. The gorillas all grab me. Then I become something that can get away from five gorillas. Well, I think at that point you're probably torn limb from limb. What is stronger? You're going to get reverse Harambe.

Killed by a gorilla. That is reverse Harambe. Is reverse Harambe where the guy pulls a gun on Harambe and Harambe pulls a gun on him? Not today. Yeah, well, what can't gorilla hold? can't a gorilla hold? What can't gorilla hold?

What can't gorilla hold? That's really a question for everyone. If me gorilla, what can't me hold? What happened to my brain the moment I sat down? Okay, so a gorilla, let's see. Let's have a think. A little plumbing with a star, a little thing. Now, gorilla hand Let's see. Let's have a think. A little plumbing with their star little thing. Now, gorilla hand

like my hand. What can't I hold, Jackson? Elephant? In the gorilla enclosure. Which is in the behind the scenes gorilla enclosure, which is usually the behind the scenes gorilla enclosure. Which is usually not that big. Just pop into a gorilla.

Sorry, pop into an elephant. Squishing every gorilla to save the gorillas. Step one, become a rat. Step two, go to the elephant enclosure. Step three, touch an elephant. Step four, become a rat again. Step five, go to the gorilla enclosure. get all the gorillas to touch me. Step six, become an elephant.

Which would kill them. Fuck. Become a snake. Then the gorillas will get scared, hopefully. No. Or they would fling you. Use you like a whip. Yeah, they'll just break your spine immediately. If you as a snake, and yeah, they picked you up and they cracked you.

Head popped off. Oh, in real trouble. A snake is somehow one of the only options worse than an elephant. What about something slippy? Yeah, okay, like a eel? Yeah. Or a hagfish? Something covered in its own mucus?

That's pretty good. Something spiky? A shark, maybe? Okay. What about a fly, Jack? Oh, go small. Go small. Ant?

You honestly could have become... And touching an ant's easy. They're fucking everywhere. You could just become the rat again, I reckon. Yeah. No, because if they're... No, gorillas. Yeah, but if they're... No, gorillas. Yeah, but if they're touching a Jackson,

and then it becomes a rat. Oh, yeah, they'll be too... Yeah, that's true. Scare the gorillas. Flee as a rat. Yeah. Or maybe become a fly. That is smart.

Out of the enclosure, bird, whatever. I hope that they just pick you out of the air as a fly. You're a gorilla board. If a gorilla board me, I would have no choice but to become an elephant at that point. But you have to become you first. So you've become a guy for a second. That's crazy.

They say the zookeeper comes in and I'm just like my torso is out of the gorilla's mouth. The gorilla is quite dead. Do you reckon you... Zookeeper's like, what the hell? Just beat an accident, zookeeper if you i don't know are you strong enough to burst a gorilla probably not i think actually if i became a hot hmm because yeah like i don't know like it's me how strong is the gorilla like if i became a man in a gorilla... Well, it depends on the... If I became a man in a gorilla's throat... It depends on the force of...

Like, yeah, is it a... Because I think sometimes it's a slow transformation. Yeah, it wouldn't be... Oh, that's bad. Because then you'd be in, like, the gorilla's soft... Like, early chest. If it's a neck, you could burst. I will maintain that I reckon I'm a bit stronger than a gorilla neck.

Yeah, okay. I don't know anything else though I would actually sort of be wearing the gorilla pants Mr Zookeeper I made a mistake I'm here to save the gorillas I'm an activist I think what's happening to the gorillas

is abhorrent I've made a couple mistakes but you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelette. And then I get up, but the gorilla's body is like walking as my band. Could you point me to the nearest exit, Mr. Zooki? Do you have perhaps a new house? Because I feel a little bit mucky. Could you grab the gorilla's legs and get someone to grab my arms? I have found myself in an unfortunate scenario.

As you can see, Mr. Zookeeper, I am stuck in a gorilla. Or half a gorilla. To explain how I found myself in such a location would take too long. Oh, wait, I can be that rat. Rat scurry away Zookeeper that day quits his job Okay Now I make an amalgam of all gorillas

Yes And I make a new gorilla So you've had a huge day zero So day one You've got new gorilla What are you doing? Now I need to go to the Congo Where the gorillas are

To ingratiate myself In the gorilla sort of group Well I'm a guy on the plane You've got two hours Okay alright so Look I don't know about I don't know enough about poaching I don't know enough about poaching. I don't know enough about how you might either know

capture gorilla either for good or for bad. But one of those I would assume is not great. The other one may involve a tranquilizer. Now, say the best case scenario, you morph into gorilla. You're hanging out. Look at me, I'm a gorilla. And someone's like, we've got to get that gorilla to study because they're very friendly.

It's a wild gorilla, very friendly. Very friendly, walking on two legs. Thunk. Tranquilized. Is that tranq going to last less or more than two hours? Well, then I guess I awaken in the back of their van or whatever, a guy. No. Why would you be a guy?

No, I'm trapped as a gorilla. Why do you think you would be a guy? I'm trapped as a gorilla and experimented on. This could not have gone worse. Yeah. Why are you starting in the Congo? Because that's where the gorillas are. Because if I, I turn up to a courthouse as a gorilla.

No. Fucking, you were already where you needed to be and then you left. Yeah, you were in the zoo. Yeah, but I'm a new gorilla at the zoo. Hide the other gorilla. Or even just like, whatever, there's a new gorilla in the zoo. Or, hey, I have a friend of mine. Can you say that you own me?

I am your good friend, Gorilla Man. I also, I'm a guy, so I could donate myself to the zoo. Yeah. You could be found on the fucking side of a road. Why are you donating yourself to the zoo? Well, because then I don't have to involve any outside parties. You could simply be like, Sam, but I have a terrible idea. Well, I don't know.

I'd be like, all right, what is it? You're like this. I'm like, okay, dude, but I have a terrible idea. Well, I don't know. I'll be like, all right, what is it? You're like this. I'm like, okay, dude, I'll say I own you. Yeah,

this is a gorilla I have. You're good friends then. You're good friends. I didn't think you'd do that for me, but you're good friends. Anybody. Well, if I do it myself,

I don't have to involve anybody if it goes wrong. All right, so talk, it's cleaner. As you're wiping gorilla blood off your legs. It's cleaner. It's cleaner this way blood off your legs. It's cleaner.

It's cleaner this way if it's just me. So I call up the zoo. Hi, I'm Jackson Bailey, private collector of gorilla. Why would you give your real name as well? What the fuck is going on? Just be like, I have a very smart gorilla and we want to do a press conference. Okay, great. And they're like, will you be at the press conference?

They're like, no. And they're like, will you be at the press conference? They're like, no. You'd be like, yes. And then the gorilla is there and they're like, I am a gorilla talking. You put a piece of paper. They're going to forget because who gives a shit about the guy I spoke to? There's a fucking gorilla who's communicating using the fucking written language. That's exciting.

Oh, but the man I spoke to with the phone. Where's this gorilla's owner? They will ask. That is true. Who owns this incredible gorilla? I am my own person the gorilla will write. Who did I talk to on the phone? I'll write. Why are you writing that?

Maybe the gorilla can only read. You're the gorilla? You're you as the gorilla? Are you asking who the journalist was that you spoke to? Why are you writing that? Uh, yeah, so okay. The gorilla's asking the journalist who's on the phone? The journalist's like, huh?

Oh, this gorilla isn't smart. No, as a gorilla, you write like, it was me. I had texted, I had text to speech Or get text to fucking speech And you said as a gorilla Christ you're stupid I am Satyat Sapient I mean

And so are all other gorillas Stop poaching us we're people now Like yeah And then the moment that they grab a second gorilla I don't know why he's not talking It doesn't matter at that The point is it might just be Like, yeah. And then the moment that they grab a second gorilla. I don't know why he's not talking. It doesn't matter at that. The point is that it might just be, this might turn the tide, right? Yeah.

It's a little lie that you could just run with. Every gorilla has the potential. I'm just the first step in gorilla evolution. I'm one of them smart ones. I came out clever. I don't know. I'm a smart gorilla. Hey, here's a question about Adam Warfing

so I saw online once obviously a lot of great apes they don't have the larynx to do speech but oh no they don't have the brain but they do have the larynx and I listened to a horrible they were like

this is what it would sound like if they could talk and it kind of sounds like this. And it's really nasty. That's awesome. I'd love to talk to a gorilla. Oh, dude, they sounded scary. But so, as a gorilla, can I do gorilla talk? I mean, I guess, right?

They all take the form, but they keep their mind. I think there is a thing if they say go to an insect, like an ant or something like that, or a bee, they might get like, oh, I got to be part of a hive. Okay. There is that, like, I think that danger. You get a bit of gorilla brain.

Yeah. Okay. So you have your brain over the top, which will struggle. The gorilla just takes over. Halfway through the press conference, I just start pouring stuff on the table. I get scared by all the cameras and just attack people he wants a banana

he's lost his sapien did we did us take sheriff just shoots you the police commission that's in the front row just shoots you with a gun

I don't think he was clever everyone I think this was a scam yeah do I become a guy again if I die as an animal I'm not sure actually

that's sad I get a guy again if I die as an animal? I'm not sure, actually. That's sad. I get a gorilla's funeral. AKA, someone cries at the zoo. Yeah, damn. Die as an animal. Yeah, maybe. This gorilla said he was smart.

Now he's freaking dead. This gorilla said he was smart. Maybe a liar. This gorilla died a liar. Yeah. Because I think, yeah, if you transform, like, in the cocoon situation, you change back. So death is sort of like a transformation. No, you've misunderstood. It's very possible.

So the cocoon doesn't transform you back. It resets the two hours. Because you become a, yeah, okay, that makes sense. You become a butterfly. Yeah. I think I actually even said that earlier. Yeah, you did. My brain's two hours. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. You become a butterfly. I think I actually even said that earlier. Yeah, you did. My brain's on fire. We're aware. Yeah, I don't know

if you turn back into a human. I don't think you do. Gorillas funeral for this guy. That's awesome. I'm still curious to what your original Congo plan was. Well, go to the Congo. Scientists are always in the Congo. They are. People study those gorillas. That's true.

It's not like... You can go to a strip of shops, you know. I go to the Congo as a man. You're two hours. Yes, I know. Relaxed. He's still a man. I don't have two hours as a man. Something hasn't gone horribly wrong where it's going in the other direction.

A gorilla touched Jackson. So I go to the Congo. Yeah. I go on a, you can do this. You can go on a tour with guides to see the gorillas. Yeah. I sneak off. Jackson Bailey, the man, is dead.

Jackson Bailey, the gorilla, lives strong. I join the colony. And then the next time people are there to study, that's when I stand up and hold up my piece of paper saying, You join the colony, but you've got to return to you, though. Yeah, I do that every now and then. I just sneak off. Become me for like five seconds and become a gorilla again. So when you go to bed, you're sleepy.

Well, I say, well, I can't really talk to the other gorillas, I suppose. How do you ingrain yourself into gorilla society? When you can't talk to them. Because you don't know how to. What do... I don't know if you boys have this information, but like a foreign guerrilla in a guerrilla colony, what do the guerrillas do?

Am I going to be seen as a threatening male? Well, no. It depends. Okay. I saw a video on the internet, I'm pretty sure, could be confused, from a TV show where they keep introducing spy robots slash robot versions of the animals into animal colonies. Yeah.

I think it was orangutans. Anyway. No, it was. It was silverback gorillas. So this is handy for you. This works. Yeah. They introduced a new guy into the colony.

Yeah. And it was a robot. And the gorillas got confused. And then the alpha male just pushed it over. Because it fell down and wasn't moving. They were just like, he's dead. And then they held a gorilla funeral for a robot.

So they were hostile until they realized they'd killed him. And then they were like, uh. I might be getting another kind of gorilla funeral. Yeah. Because it could be, depending on the amalgamation of the DNA or whatever. I've become a lady gorilla. Well, all the gorillas you got.

Become a gorilla wife. Yeah, you could become. I said I wasn't going to sleep with the gorillas, and here I am. You could become a gorilla bride. That's nice. It's good. Because you would have gotten a bunch of the,

you could be like, oh, this is a new gorilla, but you could also be like, something's wrong. Yeah, you might smell wrong. Yeah, that's true. Imagine meeting a person that has five different scents. Yeah, that would probably mess me up. I don't think I can handle that. It would have one scent.

It would just be combined. Yeah, fucked up scent. Yeah. Well, there's always a chance I'd get torn limb from limb, but that's in every plan. I knew that going in, if I'm honest. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I just... So, again, just with the Congo plan, because I feel like we keep diverting back. Yes. But we keep leaving your Congo plans like hilariously up in the air to the point where I can't even see... You're going so far sideways from A to B.

What bit in the plan are you confused by? Okay, you're a gorilla wife. Awesome. Getting fucked by alpha male gorilla. Then what? This is taking a turn. Here's water for ducks back for you, but you're all right.

I wait until some scientists come by. I say, excuse me. What if you... That's the gorilla that's boning down. You can't go to sleep. What if you... Climate trend. What if they come and you're...

You're you. What do you mean? What if the sign is kind of you? You just happen to be in that eight hours where it's you having a nap, as in you, you. Yeah. Or it's that moment where like, oh, I'm stretching my legs as human me. Well, I guess.

Can you, how well are you at, I guess, keeping track of time? In the jungle? Yeah, in the jungle. No, not in the jungle when you have access to a clock. In real life, I'm not awesome at it. Yeah. In the jungle, it might be harder. It might be.

You're right. It might be a little bit harder. I think, I mean, if the scientists discover- I will say Jackson's sense of time is usually the opposite way where he famously in one episode of a podcast, I guess not that famous because I can't remember what it was. Yeah.

Tried to count to 10 seconds and was off by like a six. Yeah. That does sound right. It was like, all right, I'll count to 10. 10. Yeah.

So my, that might benefit him. Yeah. Yeah. So he might be turning back into a guy every 45 minutes. Yeah. Real, real messing with the gorillas. But if the scientists find me and I'm in man form,

I just start again. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you.

Rogers. What do you mean start again? Well, like, okay. Like, what are they going to do? There was a man here. Yeah. So it seems suspicious. What do they think is happening?

You fucked your own plan forever. I'm like a nude guy in the gorilla colony. He's like a nude guy. I guess I'd be like, he's that guy that we lost. Are you still out here? We thought he was dead. Torn limb to limb by a gorilla.

I guess not. He just joined the gorillas. He's around somewhere. And then I'd be like, you're right. You got me. Can you free me from the gorilla colony? They do. And then I'm like, oh, so you don't run. Oh, okay. Wait, free you from the gorilla colony? I just thought you'd run and then turn back into a gorilla and then... Or a rat. Well, yeah, I mean, I could do that, but

starting again was I'm like, well, I just go back. Maybe they'll want to look after me. I don't know. And then a little bit later I'm like, oh, hey, are we still doing tours to the gorillas? Why did you go back? I thought that was the implication. That's your plan.

You can turn into anything. Well, if I see the scientists coming, I just turn into a gorilla again. Okay, I guess. Yeah. And then, when the scientists are there, all the gorillas are knuckling around

and I stand up on my legs and I say, hello. Hello. I am a sentient gorilla. Great question So walking back

From the Congo to I guess base camp How long is that? That will be longer than two hours Yeah I say Excuse me I must use the bathroom I go to pee

How did you learn all this? I learn what? Like words How did you learn what a bathroom is? From listening. To who? To the tours that come by. That's right.

Got you there. Now I need to go take a piss. I go into the jungle. Become me for five seconds. Become a gorilla again. Two hours later, excuse me. And then I just do that every two hours. Gorilla blood off.

Very small. Very full. Excuse me. Do you have just do that every two hours. Gorilla blood off. Very small. Very full. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me. Do you have a wristwatch I could have? I need to tell Ty. No reason. No reason.

Don't question. Don't question. Yeah. It's a big risk that you may just be stuck as a gorilla. Well, if I'm stuck as a gorilla, am I just a gorilla or am I me gorilla? You're you gorilla. Well, because then what you can do if you then end up getting the um, you can then, what you can do is you can then

try and hunt down that blue box again. Oh, okay. Touch it, then you can touch a guy and then you can turn into that guy for two hours. Whoa! Okay. I'll be stuck as that guy. What happened? Oh, no, yeah, I'm a gorilla. And then you just don't, you know. You can marry another guy's wife accidentally. Okay, that's a crazy ending for my plan to save the gorillas from the Congo.

Well, I can't really see how your plan, because you haven't thought about it that much, how you get to the last couple of hurdles, and I can't see you crossing the finish line. Yeah, let's just assume you've done it. You've crossed the finish line. All right. They think that you're like, oh, great. It's crazy. Yep.

Gorillas, they're sapient and sentient, whatever the word is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're very intelligent. They've got people status. They've got people brains. Yeah. Okay. So you go to court.

Okay. And you have to prove that, right? Yeah. So you know, like, sometimes court is longer than... Well, no, no, no. There's a good chance. Let's assume I've just decided for the sake of gorillas Marta like

I have decided to become a gorilla okay permanent gorilla that makes it a little easier so you're doing all that I feel like you'll regret that

we'll see I don't know we'll see we'll certainly be stronger yeah live shorter live shorter can't eat as much

McDonald's gorilla hole is the only hole you have access to now. That's true. Well, I don't know. I guess maybe giraffe hole. Well, I was thinking that I'm a person of people status. Maybe there'll be some people interested.

You got some freaks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can hook up with the freaks. I do like that you're like, well, your two options as a gorilla are other gorillas all fucking a giraffe. That's the most high up hole there is. Great view, though, from the ground. You'll be happy, maybe. That is scary, dude.

If I fall off, grabbing onto the back of a giraffe and going to town, if I fall off, I could break my coccyx. That's awesome. The gorillas will be, like, building something, look over, and you're just, like, staring up. And they're like, what's he doing? He's, like, looking at the giraffe hole. The giraffe would know what the fuck is going on

turning his big fucking thick neck I think gorillas have tiny little wieners too that's awesome that is cool do they have

big nuts though I don't know if they've got any regular nothing dude so alright well done you've gone to court

they're like well this gorilla we've given this gorilla is acting on behalf of all gorillas. So therefore, all gorillas have personhood. Yeah.

They're a non- What is the term? I think it's a non-human human. Yeah, something like that. Like a non-human person or something. Yeah. Okay, so you've done it. Now what?

Well, now I just live a regular life, but I'm a gorilla. Okay, but do you think that'll have changed anything? Well, I think there'll maybe be more efforts put towards stopping poaching. At first. It's hard to say, I think. Yeah, they're people. Rouse has gotten that status.

I want to say one dolphin for one country. I also want to say dolphin too, but I think that might have been a lie you told me. Yeah, that's very possible. That's something I made up or misunderstood. Yeah, it's tricky having a friend that- Oh, there's that tree that- That tree owns itself, but it's not a person.

No. Yeah. I guess with gorillas- Monkey took its own selfie. No, it didn't. It's true. No. It was taken to court.

Yeah. Monkey doesn't own that selfie. Oh. I thought the monkey owned the selfie. I thought the monkey won. Nope. That's so sad. Justice for monkey.

Justice for monkey took a selfie. Took a fucking- What the fuck? Yeah, no. That's so sad, dude. I thought the monkey won. Justice for monkey. Justice for monkey took a selfie. What the fuck? That's so sad, dude. I thought justice wins. Well, maybe it'll turn the tide. I can only try. I can only try in this life. I've gone to great personal distress to make this happen. I've exploded

a gorilla. I've been fucked by a gorilla. And now I'm permanently a gorilla yeah you know so you know you gotta give me

points for fair enough you did you did you did everything I can you did

everything you could except think about how this will make any change again look that one gorilla

who is clearly talking and clearly responding to questions and that there's enough that gorilla is intelligent

enough to be able to communicate and maybe and they're saying all other gorillas can there's gonna be some fun experiments There's enough age there to be that. That gorilla is intelligent enough to be able to communicate. And maybe, and they're saying all other gorillas can. There's going to be some fun experiments where they're going to put you next to a gorilla and be like, can you interpret what they're saying? And you're going to be like, whoa, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

They want banana, I think. Banana and to be jerked off? They want their gorilla dick wiggled or something? I think I would like A little gorilla dick wiggled or something? I think I would like my little gorilla dick wiggled. Thank you very much. Can you just quickly jack off my gorilla dick? What's a gorilla saying?

Unfortunately, I don't know. I don't speak gorilla. I speak English. Yeah, sorry. I'm only fluent in English. Yeah, I never learned gorilla.

They're a mystery to me. Yeah, I guess maybe you might learn gorilla. That's true. I don't know how though Yeah well I just think

If you were I've got gorilla brains I think other gorillas Might hate you Yeah well They shouldn't I'm doing a lot for them Yeah I'll say

Ungrateful Well it's crazy I mean like Coco did a lot for gorillas And changed to nothing Well yeah But Coco wasn't proved To be a person

Yeah Coco's still considered An animal Just a very intelligent Just a very intelligent animal And horny Love seeing nipples Yeah yeah Love seeing nipples

That's true Well I think I would change the world By becoming I think honestly We could probably do a lot With rat Okay rat is good

Rat's powerful Hey that rat I touched Yeah I'm gonna get that rat See that rat Alright honestly All I would do is Kind of do like Again grabbing

Like recorders Like audio recording Okay sure And be as a rat, get into crawl spaces and just record world leaders. You've got to be

paying attention to that time of money. Oh, yes. You know what, they're like, the documents, as a guy becomes

a guy in the wall. No, he doesn't know. He gets stuck as a rat all the way around. I keep forgetting. Well, yeah, as a rat to try and like,

yeah, scurry interns. Again, there's a two rat to try and like, yeah, scurry interns. Okay. Yeah, again, there's a two-hour timer. That's scary. But if I could just set up the audio recorders. Oh, that's true. Okay, that's smart. I'm not there listening in.

Yeah, yeah, that's clever. I'm just there setting it up basically like, yeah, wiretap the White House and every other kind of place. Like, well, you know what Nixon did for like, I guess, you know. John Zabit, the rat, spies on the American people. Yeah, but they're also underworld. Become like. Who are you doing it for? So your plan, though.

The general public. Your plan is to record. You're like a rat journalist. Okay. WikiLeaks. Yeah, rat leaks. Rat leaks. Okay, all right.

I make my own website, rat leaks. But your plan is to be a rat yes bring recording equipment into a crawl space or something yeah set it up crawl back out turn back into a man yeah so it's still being recorded in the wall which is pretty similar to how a normal yeah but he can get in places no one suspects the right no one suspects the right also again he put into places that people don't suspect because not you know sure maybe nixon bugged his his own room, but no one else bugged that room. That's true. That's true.

Who are you bugging? I would also probably grab the White House. You already said it. See what Joe Biden's got to say. What's he doing? What's he up to? King of Iraq. Yeah, probably.

There's a lot of recorders now that either, like, Wi-Fi or Bluetooth or whatever the hell it is. I'm not clever. I need to make sure that you know this. Yeah, yeah, update. It's okay, brother. This is a safe space to be stupid as hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so, yeah, to be able to either do that, so then I guess if that's happening, though, if someone finds it or they're like, why is this new unsecured Wi-Fi here? But no one's going to think, I reckon it was that rat I saw earlier. I reckon it was that rat that I saw earlier, and I reckon that that rat turns into a guy and that we should kill that rat.

Wait, was it that rat I saw earlier dragging a recording device? Also, again, there's like the Wi-Fi. I'm not going to call it something clever. It'll probably be the default. Or rat secrets. Yeah, rat secrets. And then if I'm using my laptop or whatever to access it, I'm getting caught. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. You're getting executed by the state. What about rather than governments? What about just, I don't know. Small businesses. Small businesses. Celebrities. You want to see if they're cheating the tax man or something?

Small businesses listening back to the recording. Ooh, quiet day today. Very quiet. Very quiet day. Don't know how they keep the roof out of their heads Why are you a camera? A little camera would have been easier. Audio in the wall also seems like you're going to encounter a bunch of issues. Who gives a shit? Where are you putting

the camera though? I don't know. I was thinking like a vent, like an air vent. Which is again a pretty standard spot for a camera to be put by a spy, I guess. Yeah, exactly. I guess being a spy. You could be a pretty good assassin, I reckon. As a rat. Yeah, because you put a bomb in somewhere. Run out, become a cheater.

Run away. The place blows sky high. Become a pigeon, drop a bomb. That's true. Hey, does that pigeon have a bomb on it? I don't know. Whatever it's holding is coming closer to me. What size ammunition or size weapon could a pigeon or crow be able to carry and use?

Wow. Can I, if I was like saying- Pigeon could use a knife. Okay. Pigeon could use a knife. That's true. I'm thinking if I, but like, could they do it well? What's that bird?

They could stab downwards, I reckon. Isn't there a bird that steals children? Are you thinking of a Pokemon? No. Like a big eagle? It's like a golden eagle or something. And one of the things it does is occasionally, because it picks up little deer is what it normally goes for.

Yeah. Sometimes it goes for kids. Nobody ever has been killed by this eagle because it's an eagle. It's a bird. But that's probably a good one to become. How do I touch one? Okay. The zoo?

No, okay. Or I was going to say, all right, become a baby deer. Oh, okay. Dress up as a deer, but be small. Why don't you dress up? I can be a deer. Oh, of course. You can touch, yeah.

Yeah, touch a baby deer, become a deer. Golden eagle picks you up, become a golden eagle. I turn into me. Eagle starts going down. This guy's talons in me. It's like, oh, shit. I'm like, oh, this is hurting my guts. The eagle drops. Thankfully, I've become this eagle. As I'm like Oh this is hurting my guts The eagle drops Thankfully I've become

This eagle As I'm falling Become the eagle Smart Fly off And then And then I guess

Get bombs I guess I could hold a If you're going If I have eagles Like talons Yeah Can I shoot a gun I don't think so

How many fingers Does an eagle have Three Four Yeah four Yeah four Maybe like a little back one a gun? I don't think so. How many fingers does an eagle have? Three? Four? Yeah, four. Maybe like a little back one? Like a little raptor situation? Yeah. I guess I could peck

someone's eyes out. Yeah, that could do as a crow. You could do. Then you don't need to go through the whole golden eagle mess. It's easy. If you are attacking sort of powerful political figures, are you part of a militia or are you just sort of alone? Operating alone. I reckon operating alone.

What are you getting out of this? I guess you're changing the world in a big way. Yeah, that's true. No meeting is safe. What happens if a lot of world leaders get their eyes pecked out? I think the birds have had enough. Like, like again,

say for example, I think he struggles to do a second person. Reckon? Yeah. They have people who, whose whole job it is to shoot eagles at the museum or whatever. Yeah. That sounded like an insane sentence.

You know what I mean? Okay. Say, say for example, in Australia, I become a little crow Okay and I know where say

the leader of the opposition party Dutton is and I'm like, there he is and then I go in there he's doing his speeches or whatever Classic swoops down

I peck his eyes out and I fuck off Everyone's like, damn Dutton got his eyes pecked out by a guy That's fucked up This is a huge day for Australian politics

Huge day for Australian politics I like the idea of a couple Couple days later The tone just being like Wow What even What the fuck Couple days later

Yeah Albo is like Alright wow It's a shame what happened To Dutton Dutton there His eyes got pecked out He looks like he's a crow

He comes there But I come there Peck his eyes out Fuck off Everyone's like What the fuck is happening Something is going Seriously wrong I think Maybe he had three I reckon How many eyes can I peck out Peck his eyes out, fuck off. Everyone's like, what the fuck is happening? Something is going seriously wrong.

I think... Maybe you get three, I reckon. How many eyes can I peck out? You get three sets under your wing. I reckon it's only... I reckon you get shot before you get through the second. You reckon? You reckon?

No, because... No one's expecting a second crow. No one in the world thinks a second crow is coming. The first one's fucking... It's a freak accident. The first one's a freak accident. Wow, that crow hated that guy. The second one is like,

what the fuck is happening? The third one, I reckon I get three. The fourth one, they're on watch. The fourth one is where I've got to step up my game. The fourth one,

if you've done three in a row, the fourth one, they're setting it up in a situation where there cannot be any birds. Yeah, that's where we've got to change it. And so then I've got to become

like a rat. A snake or something. A snake. Yeah. And then bite any birds. Yeah, that's where we've got to change it. And so then I've got to become like a rat. A snake or something. A snake. Yeah. And then bite their ankles. Yeah. Kill every Australian politician. Change the world.

Yeah. It's crazy to imagine you're like an Australian politician and two have already gone down to crows. And you come out, you put glasses on, you're like, can I do this in goggles? You look up and see a crow on the power line. You're like, can I do this in goggles? You look up and see a crow on the bow line. You're like, maybe cut this speech short. I'll drop a paragraph or two.

And as you're getting halfway through, you're just like, ah, fuck. I got snakes now? Well, that's one. I mean, you are changing the world pretty significantly. A venomous snake's going to be fun. Yeah. But I reckon I could do it. Well, if you touch something, you are changing the world pretty significantly. A venomous snake's going to be fun. Yeah. But I reckon I could do it. Well, if you touch something, you know, you see people pick up a venomous, I know in theory how to pick up a venomous snake.

Yeah. You grab it behind the head with your thumb like this. And you push all the venom out until it gets dehydrated. You push the venom out like you're milking. Actually, that's not a bad idea to volunteer at like a thing to be like, or like, you know, get a job or whatever. Yeah. Just to touch as many animals as possible. Just to like yeah

venom milk de-venomizing snakes venom milk the snake or whatever and be like cool cool cool and then yeah buy a strong politicians

and then we'll see what happens yeah because I reckon you could then go to like oh I could do like spiders spiders become like a little redback

yeah redback and say he's gumboot I would be scared to be any animal that can be squished. Yeah, that's also true. Oh, 100%? Yes. Yeah, that would really stress me. Like, when we were saying becoming a fly before, I was imagining

now I have the potential to die from more tinkering. Swatted. Yeah. That's weird because the first animal you picked and the one you were most excited about is rat. That's something that can easily get stood on. That is true. At what point, I think... Especially with you in control,

because you will not be cautious or skittish. Oh my god, a foot! You'll be like, man, it's awesome to be small. This foot looks fucking huge. Okay, so at what point? So I'd say I've pecked like three Polly's eyes out. Okay. I've bitten how many do you reckon I could bite as a snake?

I think after... Snakes are trickier, but I reckon after the first one, they think the rapture's happening. The rapture? Yeah, something like... No one's going to happen, but I still think... Like end of days, or animals are turning into us? Yeah, actually, I guess

Judgment Day is probably coming. Oh, these feel like plagues. Yeah, very true. Saksa canakart as an anamorph turned into a whole plague of locusts. The death of the firstborn as an anamorph.

I was thinking, at some point I have to become something big. Yes, that's true. And imagine they go on the senate floor or whatever and they start we have to do something about all these anamorphs that keep killing us and then I step in and they're like, who is this impressionable boy? I say, he's a nearing 40-year-old man. And I'm like, the end of days.

And I turn into a giant elephant and start stampeding. That's good. That's awesome, dude. I would think it was the end of days. I would be like, well, my time has come. They're doing this just for me. I'm going to heaven. Depending on the Animorph, and I'm hoping I get this one,

because I don't know if it's a thing that you can either learn or if it's just a natural thing. But there is a part of Animorph culture, or the Andalite culture, that if you can use your transformation, as you're transforming, it can actually look very pretty. And they use it as a form of artistic expression. I see. Most people, they slam kind of like Cronenbergian disgusting horror.

Some people make it look beautiful. I want to be the opposite and make it look absolutely fucking terrifying. You want people to think you're the devil, basically. Yeah. Imagine you're like, I'm the end of you as this fucking tusk starts appearing and a giant elephant nose. And then we start stampeding it. Yeah, that's really going to change Australian politics.

That'll change the world, I reckon. Yeah, I think we're coming back from that. Yeah, and I don't know how a larynx works of an elephant, but if there's a camera around where I can, as an elephant, be like, you're next, I would be very happy. Wow. Yeah, I. I would be very happy. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

I reckon that could be fun. Incite the fear of God into a nation. Fear of nature, I reckon. Fear of something. I like that you're, yeah, I don't know what you're getting out of this anymore, but I think it's chaos mostly. Yeah. He lost, at some point dropped what he was going for,

but just kept going. He got lost in the fog somewhere. Initially, he was like, well, maybe a bit of transparency and all the bullshit that goes on in the political world. We can kind of bug everything and then see what's going on.

But you know what? Fuck it. Turn into a big elephant. And scare them. And scourge to Earth. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. When you're done, Canberra will just be a hole. Yay! A hole in the map. Turn into a big elephant. And scare them. Start to hip and scorch to earth. Yeah. You follow things. Yeah.

Yeah, fair enough. When you're done, Canberra will just be a hole. Yay. A hole in the map. One elephant. Big elephant. In two hours,

one elephant demolished Canberra. Removed Canberra from the Australian map. I reckon, yeah, you turn into a bit of an elephant, you could then go back, maybe a grizzly bear.

Can you become dinosaurs if you touch their bones? I don't know. I don't think so. Am I going to become a bone? I mean, there is time travel in certain parts of Atomorphs. That's good to hear.

You could go back in time and become a T-Rex. There's also aliens you could touch and become, like a hawk which is this kind of 7 foot, 8 foot they've got beaks and big spikes in their arms, which could become a big nightmare for any politician in my crosshairs. Yeah, I think it's a pretty good strategy.

Become like a political assassin, but just for politicians, full stop. Do you have a politician that you need got? I'm your guy. They're already on my list. Call us at 1-800-PLUMBING-THE-DEADSTORE. We'll take care of all. No politician, too big or small. Local government?

Council government? Fuck them. Governments of all sizes destroyed. You want to start again? Yeah, it's better this way. It's gone too far? Rack everything, start from the rubble. Yeah, again, I'm hoping no one's... yeah it's better this way yeah it's gone too far rack everything start from the rubble

yeah again I just I'm hoping no one's is he libertarian I'm not a libertarian I really need to emphasize that I'm not

I'm sort of just like a crazy puss yeah I would say dangerous menace describes me best that's kind of what I'm about yeah yeah yeah

well that's good strategy I think that that'd change the world yeah that'd change it a big way see um I'm glad to hear that time travels on the cards because I'm excited what I'm about. Well, that's good strategy. I think that would change the world. Yeah, that would change it a big way. See, I'm glad to hear that time travels on the cards because I'm going to use Animorphs to go back in time and stop famous assassinations.

I forgot the word for assassinations. It said, it was going to say killings. But that sounded, well, I guess that is what I'm doing. Because, yeah, I reckon most of them... Adding an animal into the mix. So, look, let's start with... JFK, say? Yeah, that's a pretty classic one.

All right, JFK. All right. What animal are you choosing? Okay, I reckon eagle, and I'm going to need a loaf of bread. That's really good. I really like where this is going. I've been thrown pretty much immediately. A sack of potatoes will also work, but that'll be too heavy for me to carry as an eagle, maybe.

Sack of potatoes. What? Okay, all right. Do you want to take a guess at what you think he's going to do? Motorcade's coming down. He flies over top. He drops the bread. He shoots the bread.

Now, is he going to drop the bread in the middle of the road so the procession's like, whoa, hang on. What? And like, stops for a moment. I would agree with you,

but it can be. And the shot happens and he's like, it misses him by a loaf of bread's width. Like, you know what I mean? Like they say,

or is he dropping it on Lee Harvey Oswald? So, Lee Harvey Oswald leans out of the book depository and then a loaf of bread. I don't think a loaf of bread is going to knock you out. Or he sees the nozzle and he aims it and he hits the nozzle.

Hits the gun. In what situation is a loaf of bread and a sack of potatoes the same? They don't achieve the same thing. I mean, they do achieve the same thing of knocking him. Yeah, but a sack of potatoes is so much heavier than a loaf of bread. I did go for a loaf of bread in this situation because I knew a bird could pick up a loaf of bread quite easily. I think it's the dropping of a gun, maybe. The nozzle.

It was going to be fly past the window. Yeah. And kind of just hover around there. Yeah. Be too annoying. Oh, yeah. What's a loaf of bread for? To block the gun, sort of.

More like to block more of the vision. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What's a loaf of bread for? To block the gun, sort of. Or, like, to block more of the vision. Oh, yeah. He's trying to see. This is a loaf of bread swinging around in front of the window. Also, if a bird flies up with a loaf of bread, starts wavering it around the window, I'm like, this is a sign from God that I'm doing the wrong thing. I shouldn't shoot JFK.

Or is it like, oh, cool, target practice before I shoot the president. I'll shoot the bird with a loaf of bread. But you should fire the gun. Everybody knows you're up there. Well, you want to keep hitting. Well, you got two shots, right? He got three shots. He got three shots.

But the first one hit JFK. I mean, look, you've altered it. He did the damage already. I don't think, and also he would need to re-aim because the three shots he fired were just in the same spot. Yeah, yeah. Look, yeah, he's re-aiming. He's got to be quick. You might save it.

You might be like a smear of pigeon. I like that the loaf of bread is so unnecessary to this player. No, it's not. You're already an annoying bird. No, because I'm bigger now and also the chance of me. Become a bigger bird. No, because I'm trying not to get shot. If I'm just a bird flying around the end of me... No, because I'm trying not to get shot. If I'm just a bird

flying around the end of a gun... The loaf of bread is saving your life here. Well, the loaf of bread means I can be up higher above the gun. He could be waving around. I would say, take a... You were getting fucked in the ass by a gorilla to save gorillas. Hey, it was his gorilla pussy.

I was getting fucked in my gorillasy. I'm so sorry. You knew gorilla pussy. I was getting fucked in my gorilla pussy. I'm so sorry. You knew gorilla pussy to save gorillas in the Congo, but you weren't sure how to get there. You were just making love. I was taking a plane. Took a plane to the Congo. No, not how you physically got there.

Then probably like a bus or something. How you got from the Congo to saving gorillas. Yeah, I think we got there in the end. Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. JFK, tick. Yeah, I think we got there in the end. Um, okay. Yeah. Fair enough. JFK. Tick. Okay, sure. I was gonna say, you could take a leaf out of, you know,

Jake's book from the Animorphs and become a peregrine falcon, the fastest flying bird in all the lands, and then just fucking crane into him. Yeah, absolutely. I think as a fast flying bird, you could take out a lot of people who are about to take out people. Yeah, and even just as a regular bird, I could...

Are you just doing political, like president assassins? I'm just trying to think. Because you could stop the assassination attempt on... Franz Ferdinand? No, no. Whoa, I can prevent World War I! I'm going to eat a big loaf of bread A big loaf of bread

France, they tried to kill so many times I'm gonna be a very busy animal Yeah, you could stop the stopped assassination of Reagan Whoa, and Reagan's life Yeah Sam just wants to kill all the police Yeah, no, that's right I'm just trying to get you to do his thing again

Come on Yeah, yeah, yeah I've got some time now What stops that one? Doesn't he just body it? Yeah, he bodies it, doesn't shoot him right. With your life of bread, you can pull from that. I don't know.

As a peregrine falcon, just crane into him. So then he falls over and then easy to shoot while he's lying down. Maybe. Yeah, exactly. Maybe. Yeah, I saw a nature video. I think it was definitely a goose getting got by a bird. It just kept dive bombing him and just absolutely rotting that goose's day.

Yeah, that's awesome. And you got one at such high speeds. I reckon a peregrine falcon with enough malintent could 100% kill a guy. The only problem is it could also end Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it pretty fast. What about if you take a step back become that rat we know

and you just like chew out the brake or the engine or something of the motorcade so they start a little later or they never get

the car started. The idea of me chewing through the motorcade's brakes so that they can't slow down, so they miss the shot, but then crashing into a wall and wiping out all the Kennedys. Oops.

They're like, oh, no, there's a gunshot. Putting a little right hand. There was a gunshot. Quickly. Gun it. All right, break. What? Why?

Why is this happening? Oh, my job's done, I guess. Oh, no, they're driving over the grassy gnoll. That was a freebie? Huh. Oh, okay, fair enough. Yeah, bad idea. Yeah, it's a bad idea.

Abraham Lincoln? Yeah. That's easy. That's so easy. Yeah, what is it? I'm just a guy, go to the theater. Yeah. The play starts, turn into a bear.

Whilst the bear is attacking, everybody runs. There's like a bear. Is this part of the play starts turn into a bear whilst the bear is attacking everybody runs there's like a bear is this part of the play oh wait no bears bad because guns involved yeah everybody tries to shoot the bear everybody's got a gun dude yeah it's the 1800s you're dead that's like shot of you as a bear transforming shot of abraham lincoln putting his feet up on his bare skin rug the the the body. Who was it? The bodyguard that was meant to be bodyguarding Lincoln. He was having a piss. No, he was at the bar.

He hated his job. He was a fucking drunk. He must have had an awesome day then. Oh, yeah. So you could maybe do something to scare him to do your fucking job. Maybe if he goes to the toilet at the bar, you come out as a bear and are like, look after Lincoln.

To be honest, a lot of this is almost, because you could save some of these with Lincoln, right? Yeah. Is you. That's true. If you're time traveling. Yeah, that's true. A lot of it is really time travel, not being a bear.

Hey, hey, don't sit there. Where should I sit, citizen? Why not? I've heard there's going to be an attempt on your life, not by me. That's deeply suspicious. Have this man taken away. Then I'm shot in the back of the head. Yeah.

And then I'm hung because they assumed that I did it. That went pretty wrong. What if you became like a chimpanzee? Because they're very strong. You could just wrestle every attacker away from... Chip's stronger than a gun. That's just factually incorrect. That's just not true.

As a chimp, you can use a gun. Yeah, that's true. As a chimp, you can use a gun. I think it's like maybe... Why is Lincoln's one hard to do? It's just not. I mean, it's easy because you could just be you. You could just be there as soon as the guy's about to be like,

you know, the shoes. Grab him in the face. Eagle, my world-famous sack of potatoes. Yeah. This time, I'm not waving around as a distraction. I'm just full-on just dropping them on Lincoln. Yeah. He'll be like, four score and what the fuck?

You drop the sack of potatoes at Lincoln, he just falls off the balcony. It's really crazy that Lincoln- The president's dead! Lincoln got by a bald eagle carrying a potato. I don't think- That would alter America forever. The bald eagle would not be associated with America. That animal killed our president.

Then the other guy pops out. Lee, no. What's his name? Lee, uh, uh, uh, uh. Septa Tempo. Septa Tempo, what the hell? Septa Tempo, what the fuck? Would you, if you accidentally killed

Lincoln with a sack of potatoes, when you go back to however your time traveling to the future, would you be like a bit scared? I would honestly be like, I don't know. When you go back to however your time traveling to the future, would you be like a bit scared? I would honestly be like, I don't know if I should go back or just live here because you've got the nearest time travel party in front of you and then like right next to you on the, like as like a butcher with help wanted, you're just like, hey, have you got any jobs going? I don't think I could go back where I came from.

Also, I think as well, because with animal things, you can become a guy. That's true. You could just touch somebody and then become that person for two hours. So you really could do a lot with those two hours. That's true. Having two guys of the same guy, could have said that differently, would mean that you could get up to a lot of mischief and confusion. That's true. Like having two guys of the same guy. Yeah. Could have said that differently. Could have, didn't. No, I think he nailed it.

Would mean that you could get up to a lot of mischief and confusion. Yeah. Again, you could be the body, like, you know, that you could become like Abe Lincoln and you could shot in the head. Oh, yeah. That's a good way to say it. Yeah. I don't know what would happen.

I guess you could. I love that. He's like, what was that fucking thing? He comes in. He's about to shoot Lincoln. What is his name? He's like, what was that fucking thing? He comes in, he's about to shoot Lincoln. What is his name? He's like, which one of you is the real Lincoln? Oh, I got two bullets.

I'll shoot you both. Easy, done. The mystery of the two Lincolns. There were two Lincolns there that night and both died. What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened? What the hell? History is full of wonders that we don't understand. This is one of them.

Lincoln never had a twin brother, but the mystery of the two Lincolns. The modern day, we look back and say, what the hell? I like the only thing that changes is from that moment onwards, it becomes fine to say fuck in a news headline. The tale of two linkers, still an unsolved mystery. What the fuck was happening there?

What the fuck was that about? Two linkers? Fucking what? Why? As the killer pulled the trigger, he was heard to have said, fucking... What the fuck? Isn't it meant to be just one of you? Fucking all right.

I got two bullets. Bang, bang. I'll shoot both of you. I guess. Would you also be buried with Lincoln? What would they do? I guess you'd have two graves, but both would be Lincoln. Both would be Lincoln because no one knows.

Yeah, no one knows which one was the real one. My dream would be that they buried us in a coffin 69 position. That's what I think Lincoln would have wanted. Yeah, that's knows which one was the real one. My dream would be that they buried us in a coffin 69 position. That's what I think Lincoln would have wanted. That's what I reckon. That seems to be the most easy way to fit in a coffin. Like shoes. Yeah. It's just my shink.

It's the shoes in a shoe box are also 69. Yeah, they are. In modern day, you could be exhumed, and then there'd be some DNA testing. But my DNA you'd be him That president So they'd be like well Maybe Lincoln gets canonized as a miracle The same being to guy. Wow, that's good. I guess I would just assume that Lincoln...

Had a twin? They'd be like, oh, you know what? There'd be an obvious conspiracy theory. Lincoln had a twin. It would be the fucking prestige spoilers. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, where...

Yeah, they were just like, oh, he was using a double. He was using a double, and this moment, the assassin got very lucky. Yeah, Lincoln was using a double, but maybe didn't understand what a double was for. Both of them went to the theater. This was the only time they were seen together. And he would be, would you be in Lincoln's attire? Probably not. You'd be wearing what you're wearing now.

No, I'd have to. No, I would have to be wearing something similar to get in. That's true, good point. So you'd be wearing something similar but not the. That's true. Good point. Good point. So you'd be wearing something similar, but not the exact thing. So it'd be very much like a, wow, I guess. Miscommunication between the two Lincolns.

A fatal mishap. What the fuck happened? Find out more at six. Lincoln had, I guess, a twin brother that was his double that he kept under wraps. But well, God, I guess. Dude, if you were the double of a president and you arrived and saw the president, you would be like, I'm in such pride. I am

going to get fired for this. Damn it. Well, yeah, that's a... Yeah, you saved... You changed the world. I don't think if there was any other assassination attempts, I could have stopped or helped. A lot of it is really just time travel.

The animal thing. Titanic is an animal? Big whale. Get killed by the boat. Just don't shred. I guess yeah, become the whale and ram it. That's the only way to do it. Then they'll be like, the fuck's going on?

Cause a distraction I guess early enough that they do turn early. Yeah. But also, they're arrogant. They would have sunk anyway. I'm making the claim that the Titanic would have sunk. If you could turn into like an orca or something and then just start circling the boat, it would probably stop like, oh, excuse me, I would love to see the whale.

Yeah, can we stop so we can observe the whale? Yeah, let's get a quick gander at that whale. And then, yeah, you'd delay it for whatever, an hour and 30 minutes. Yeah, long enough for the iceberg to float away. Yeah, that's true. Get a quick gander at that whale and then you, yeah, you delay it for whatever, an hour and 30 minutes. Yeah, long enough for the iceberg to float away. Yeah.

Any other assassination attempts? I mean, those are the big ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What stops, because a lot of the time ones that fail

are just the person bodied to the bullets. Yes, yeah, yeah. Like our good friend Grover Cleveland, maybe? Pope John Paul, he just got shot and copped it, I think.

That's true. That's true. Yeah, it feels like, yeah. Time travels. That's a real. I'm walking up to the guy shooting, about to shoot John Paul. Yeah, Pope John Paul. Saying just John Paul feels fucked up.

Yeah, it does feel weird. Anyway, he's about to shoot and I'm like, and then I lift the gun up a little bit higher. Get him right between the eyes. We did it. I'm Jesus Christ. Whoa. So if you could go back in time and using the Animorphs' ability of just turning into, say, just one orangutan,

I reckon at every single event you would stop the assassination. Yes, I think that's true. Every single. So the motorcade is coming down, and you just, as an orangutan, start crossing the assassination. Yes, I think that's true. So, the motorcade is coming down, and you, as an orangutan, start like... crossing the street. You would stop everything enough to be like, what the hell?

Mr. President, did you see that? What the hell happened here? Here's the thing. Yeah? Orangutan on the road. Yeah. Motorcade stops. Lee Harvey Oswald's like, well, this is a much easier shot now. Well, yeah, but again, he would also probably have seen the orangutan because he'd be like, the hell? I think a lot

of orangutans, again, an orangutan would have really done a lot of damage to just everyone's psyche. Oh yeah. To just throw everyone off. What do you think would fuck up the American people more? The orangutan's there, the car stops as the orangutan crosses the road, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots JFK. Or the orangutan was in on it.

Okay, three scenarios. Second scenario, JFK runs over the orangutan. Third scenario, the orangutan climbs in the car and kills JFK. Snaps his neck. One of those two is people. Okay, so one and three will result in, I reckon, the extinction of orangutans in present day. Because America would be like,

fuck orangutans, they killed our president. And America are very good at going to war. Yeah, that's true. That's very true. Option two, lots of palm oil. Option two, it would just be, everything has way more palm oil now. We're getting back at them.

How fucking dare they? They're like, palm oil guaranteed. It's like, yes! We ate those orangutans They killed our president And it's funny that story Would you like to have some orangutan jerky Eat that fucking chimp that got our president Taste like patriotism

We call it freedom jerky It's funny because So the one with the orangutan stops the car And he's shot That's one scenario But the one with the orangutan stops the car and he's shot. That's one scenario. But the one where the orangutan climbs in the car and snaps his neck, you would be like, maybe it's justified.

No, I don't think so. Not justified, but you're like, who trained that? Who trained that? What happened? Who trained that orangutan? The orangutan did kill the president. I think not only would orangutans be now extinct, I would also think that we would no longer have monkeys in movies. Yes, I think you're right we would no longer have monkeys in movies.

Yes, I think you're right, which would be a great tragedy. And then Reagan would probably never get in because he never makes bedtime for Bozo. That changes American history quite significantly. And then Watergate doesn't happen, so we're just calling things scandals. That's true, nothing's a gate anymore. Wow. Gamer scandal. I was going to say, no Gamergate.

If an orangutan snapped the neck of JFK, Gamergate wouldn't have happened. No Gamergate If an orangutan Snapped the neck Of JFK Gamergate Wouldn't have happened You can take that To the bank Were they called Things at the end Like tangs

Like Gamer Tang Gamer Tang Border Tang Still happens Wow Any scandal Just becomes a tang We hate orangutans

In this world So much That they become Synonymous with scandals Yeah yeah yeah Well it would be a scandal. It would be a hell of a scandal. It would be an assassination. It would become tangs. The tang

becomes something. Ronald Reagan nearly got tanged. Is that what they'd say? The drink, tang, would change its name? Yeah, they would have to. I hate apes would be what it's called now. Well, that really went in an interesting direction. Well, we all changed the world.

We definitely did. Mission accomplished. For better or worse. It has to say. Well, we didn't put any moral imperative on it. You said we were going to change the world, and we did. I think we did. It wasn't even hard.

Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Become that rat we touched. Yeah. Animorphs. What the fuck?

Yeah. You know Rachel Dyes in it? Yeah. Yeah, it's real dark in it. I don't know who Rachel is. I'm sorry. She's one of the people. I mean, I figured, but.

Yeah. You know. You should read it. You love to fucking read little books about animals or whatever. It's real dark. It's real dark. Like Moby Dick. Is that a little book about an animal?

Yeah, a whale. Yeah, there's a whale. There's whales and animals. Moby Dick. Is that a little book about an animal? Yeah, a whale. Yeah, there's whales and animals. Same shit. Yeah, yeah. There's one time they get in anamorphs, they become real tiny, and then they realize they're so tiny they're busy in the microscopic world, but they kind of stop something. They become a whale as they're tiny, which is kind of like, sure,

it's not as big as a whale could be, but it becomes bigger, so then it weighs down a little tiny spaceship or whatever. What the fuck? Yeah, animals was cooked. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers.