Plumbing the Death Star - Is It Better To Be a Super Hero or a Super Villain?

Episode Date: January 9, 2022

Personally I think it would be best if we were all just patrons of the Freak Hole, buy tickets to our live show here you goddamn hero. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....

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Starting point is 00:00:00 When I recorded this, Victoria had 51,000 cases of COVID just today. Our live show in Melbourne, a place where we live, is just over a month away. I guess you have to ask yourself, do you like to have a little bit of a flutter? 70 brave souls have already taken that punt and we've got a few tickets left. Maybe you're the kind of person who thinks they're the main character and that nothing bad can happen to you. And and hey maybe you're the only one that's immune and even if something bad does happen to you it's fine you'll learn a lesson and come out the other side this is just another part of the hero's journey the journey you are on because you of
Starting point is 00:00:41 course are the hero so be a hero be daring be daring, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Buy a ticket to our live show on February 19th at 5.30pm. Links are in the show notes. And if you can get boosted before coming, that'd be just tip top. Once again, for the love of God, get your booster shot. And if you can get vaccinated, get vaccinated. Get your booster shot, and if you can get vaccinated, get vaccinated. You're listening to the Sandspan's Network.
Starting point is 00:01:16 Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Hey everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we're asking important questions like, is it better to be a superhero or a supervillain? So when you get powers, when you get hit by a radioactive bus...
Starting point is 00:01:47 Bus? Yeah. You got two options, okay? You can either go into... Well, I guess you got three. You can either fight crime, do crime, or do nothing. That's the best option.
Starting point is 00:02:01 With great power comes great... Yeah, I'm just gonna go. Fuck it. This is too much. Do what you want. That's actually fucked up by Uncle Ben. With great power comes great... Yeah, I'm just going to go home. Fuck it. This is too much. Do what you want. That's actually fucked up by Uncle Ben. We don't talk about that enough. Leave Spider-Man alone.
Starting point is 00:02:12 Yeah, what if he just wanted to live a simple life? Just be a normal teenager that's just ripped now and is probably just cleaning up at school, the best at sport, still smart. Yeah. I know. Uncle Ben wrecked Spider-Man's life yeah cause Uncle Ben
Starting point is 00:02:26 I mean dying also kind of wrecked Uncle Ben getting shot kind of ruined Uncle Ben's life but also getting
Starting point is 00:02:33 Uncle Ben getting shot wrecked Peter Parker oh yeah for sure but like imagine Peter Parker doesn't become Spider-Man yeah
Starting point is 00:02:39 he's just like a buff dude a buff hot teen buff hot teen that's really clever and his time a buff hot teen that's really clever and his time management would be way easier he doesn't need to fight crime
Starting point is 00:02:48 yeah not even just that imagine if he just didn't get bit by a spider unless the spider made him a genius which we don't know about yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:02:54 because he invented the web slinger he was already clever enough he's already really smart his smartness is never but he was still like at that point he's a dweeb yeah
Starting point is 00:03:02 he would have just been hot and smart but he could have he could have just invented the web shooter thing and then just i don't know patent that sell it whatever could have been one of those rich tech billionaires the thing is he could have been dating grimes well she's single now yeah i think grimes can write a song about you where she says you're the world's greatest gamer spider-man that's a real thing that happened yeah i know it's very funny. It's upsetting.
Starting point is 00:03:26 Rhymes, reach out, are you okay? We're falling down the Elon Musk thing again. Let's backpedal. Boys! I don't know what that is. Boys, I'm here with my robot dick again. Invest in crypto! Elon Musk sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire Hello
Starting point is 00:03:45 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:47 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:48 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:48 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:48 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:48 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:49 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:49 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:50 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:50 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
Starting point is 00:03:51 Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, classic catchphrase, that's Grimes! That's Grimes! That's Grimes! Anyway, so... Get us back on track, please, Jackson, please.
Starting point is 00:04:11 You're either gonna... And let's assume for this, that we live in a Marvel or DC where there is an Avengers or a Justice League or some kind of superhero kind of governing body and that there is also, I mean, sometimes there's a Legion of Doom, but there doesn't necessarily have to be one.
Starting point is 00:04:26 Yeah. Which, which the cleverest one to pick, you know? Well, because obviously if you include morals, like superhero makes more sense. Cause I feel like we're probably more comfortable not killing people than we are killing people.
Starting point is 00:04:39 But that's what I mean. Let's call a stool a stool. We're not good guys. Okay. Let's call a stool a stool. We're not good guys. Okay. Let's use the morally ambiguous shades of gray gauge that the plumbing boys are so famous. Stealing from a supermarket is actually cool and good and people should do it. And a little funny sometimes. It's so funny.
Starting point is 00:04:59 If you saw someone get hit by a car and they did a flip and onto the bonnet and over the roof and in the back, you'd be like, whoa! I'm already laughing. So, okay. So don't worry about the moral. The bank don't need it. Exactly. What's a bank doing with money? Nothing.
Starting point is 00:05:15 So don't worry about the moral side of things, okay? It's just for you self-serving in your life. I mean, that's what I was always. I was just, okay, so for me, it's, well, which one offers time off? Yeah, well, kind of. Can you have time off as a superhero well you can have time off as a supervillain when you inevitably get arrested and put in the negative zone i don't feel like i have to always be doing crime as a supervillain that's true but it depends because a lot of supervillains also hang on no no no no no. You wait. Let me finish. Because this is super villain.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Often super villains, they're obviously powered or whatever. They usually make a very big jump from when they first get their villainous powers to end up the head of a company in like two seconds. So unfortunately, I feel like if you're following the super villain path, you're going to have to, you'll end up cemented in a job.
Starting point is 00:06:02 Well, I was going to say, let's just because- Because a kingpin can't fucking take time off. Yeah, but look, imagine this, right? You are a superhero. Yeah. Your time off. And you're walking down the street and you see a crime. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:14 You got to be like, I got to do that. I got to get involved. You're a super villain. You're walking down the street and you are seeing not crime happen. That's true. You don't have to do a crime. You don't have to do a crime. You don't have to do a crime. You don't have to be like, there's so much not crime happening.
Starting point is 00:06:30 Looking through the window of a bank and seeing, oh my god, no one's robbing this bank. Can you, like, fuck, do you see this? Do you see this? Alright, I'll do it. Is anyone going to do anything? It's a dog day afternoon and no one's robbing this bank.
Starting point is 00:06:45 I don't understand. You see that kid? No one's stealing candy from that child? That candy's unsold. Oh, my God. That kid is just eating candy. Yeah. Wait, kid, did you steal it?
Starting point is 00:06:55 No. Steal from supermarkets. They don't miss it. They don't care. Steal from a bank, child. If it is a big chain, don't respect them. Respect the people working there because they're under the boot. Don't steal from mom and
Starting point is 00:07:08 pop stores. You're seeing a fucking Kmart? Steal from a big supermarket and give it. Go in there and reverse steal to a mom and pop store. They'll be like, can I get some stock? That's weird. These are obviously stolen goods.
Starting point is 00:07:23 You gonna take the couch or not? Okay Are we superheroes? What's happening to us? Well I was gonna say Because I think that power set Plays a huge part in here So let's eliminate that completely
Starting point is 00:07:36 And just say we're all billionaires Like a Batman or the Penguin or whatever Batman, Penguin Batman, Penguin Penguin's rich Green Arrow Iron Man Kingpin Kingpin Or the penguin or whatever. Batman pink. Batman penguin. Penguin's rich. Green arrow. Yeah. Iron man.
Starting point is 00:07:47 Kingpin. Kingpin. So if you want to fight crime, you can make yourself a Joel suit, okay, with a Joel symbol on the front or whatever. What is that? Or we could make ourselves a Joel suit and rob a bank. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly.
Starting point is 00:08:01 You're either firing a Joel grappling hook gun or a gun in the shape of a Joel. So is the symbol, I was thinking, is it like letters that make up Joel or is it our face? Let me tell you what I was picturing. I was picturing a sort of fucked up armored gimp suit that is like a mold of your face over your face. He's always smiling. Yeah, I don't know That's what immediately sprung to mind And then your face on the front as well
Starting point is 00:08:30 Oh double face No no no you can't see it No ball gag no visible mouth Just like a black mold of your face over your face You know Just like a featureless but black plastic Yeah that's kind of what I was picturing I imagined a big baby
Starting point is 00:08:44 Like a big baby face for some reason. I don't know why. But the point is that it's not about if you can fly or you're super strength. It's just, you know, you've got- So we didn't get hit by a radioactive bus. We just got rich. You get hit by a bus full of money.
Starting point is 00:09:00 We got wrongfully hit by a bus. Yeah, and you sued. And we got a lot of money from that payout Yeah the public transport system of Australia Has been shut down Because all of their wages went into our pockets Yeah exactly I've had to sell the trains
Starting point is 00:09:14 A cool three billion Tell you what I don't like about the idea of being a superhero Is that I feel like I will I just realised Because you've removed the super part of this question, and now you're going back to it. No, I just mean, like, even fighting crime, like a Batman. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:30 Okay. Why don't you just give us super strength? Okay, we can be super strong. Because that makes more sense. The bus was also radioactive. And you can pick... And it was like, bang, you now have the strength and speed of a bus. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:42 Okay. So we're fast and strong. Yeah. All right, okay. So, but if I was a bus. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So we're fast and strong. Yeah. All right. Okay. So if I was a superhero, I feel like the rest of the superheroes are going to be judging my superheroing. Like, if I'm bad at it, they're going to...
Starting point is 00:09:55 How are you going to be bad at it, though? Like, I miss the guy falling out of a building. But then if you miss that, then they're also missing it. I'm too slow to the mugging and a guy gets shot. Oh, I've been shot right in the penis. I'm here and I'm like, don't shoot that. Oh, he's running away. And then I'm like, you know, what do you call it?
Starting point is 00:10:13 Like I'm paralyzed by Joyce. Do I run after him or help the guy? Are you going to be okay? No, I was shot. Where? In the penis. Should I leave him to call? Look, I'll shot. Where? In the penis. Should I leave? Have you called?
Starting point is 00:10:28 Look, I'll be all right. I didn't take any basic... Turn around and run away. Did you see my face? No. You were not first aid. Then I become a villain. I know how to do first aid,
Starting point is 00:10:43 but unfortunately they don't teach you how to do first aid on a penis that's been shot. Yeah, that's true. And do CPR. You'll probably need CPR after a bit. Anyway, my name's Spider-Man. I'll see you later, and I'll zip off. Then Spider-Man gets judged for letting the mug go shoot the guy in the dick. I think a lot of superheroes tend to get judged anyway by their own fellow cohorts.
Starting point is 00:11:05 Yeah, well, that's what I mean. But if I'm a villain, who cares? What are you talking about? Are the other villains judging me? Yes. What? Name, give me a villain, any villain. Oswald Cobblepot, the penguin.
Starting point is 00:11:19 Yeah, he gets mocked by other villains all the time. Oh, he was a bad choice because he's a horrible penguin. Okay, give me another one. Hush from Batman Hush. I'm sure they- Well, he probably- Because Hush is a full-on murderer, right? In most either DC or Marvel continuity,
Starting point is 00:11:37 there is usually a bar that the villains go to. Yes, true. And so the villains tend to gather around, and they will bitch about heroes, but also their fellow villains. And I think there's actually more camaraderie when it comes to supervillains and superheroes. Because there's no bar for heroes having a drink and having a bitch. That's true.
Starting point is 00:11:56 Whereas I think as a villain, you'd have that. I'm leaning towards villains just because of the perks. I think they're a bit better. What perks? A bar. A bar. But you can, if you're a good guy. The Hellfire Club?
Starting point is 00:12:06 Yeah. That's a pretty good bar. But you could probably go to Gotham Manor or whatever. Gotham. Wayne Manor. He's not inviting me in. The best you have
Starting point is 00:12:14 is the Justice League satellite. It's like a fucking school and a police academy all at the same time. I go there and I get to talk to what, an angel or some shit? I don't want that.
Starting point is 00:12:23 Yeah, what, Joel Dush is sitting there drinking his fucking juice and mac and cheese across from Greenlight. what, an angel or some shit? I don't want that. Yeah, what, Joel Dush is sitting there drinking his fucking juice and mac and cheese across from Greenlight. Also, you're a regular guy that's rich. You can just go to any bar. And as strong and quick as a bus. Yeah, but, like, so supervillains,
Starting point is 00:12:33 because a lot of supervillains just are supervillains. Yeah. Like, Kingpin doesn't hide his face. He's just Kingpin. So that's just his life now, where superheroes often have secret identities. So,'s just his life now. Superheroes often have secret identities. You just hang out with your friends.
Starting point is 00:12:50 I don't have any friends. Because I can't let them know about my secret life. So I've got to keep them at arm's length. You've got to do a whole dual identity thing. If I was a supervillain, I'd be like Jules. I don't understand. Just tell your friends. I'm going to let you know. I'm going to let you on a huge secret. You can't tell anyone because if word spreads, you're probably going to get shot in the head
Starting point is 00:13:12 by one of my- Please don't tell me. Don't tell me. Whatever you do, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Want to hear a dangerous secret? No, I do not want to hear a dangerous secret. Fine, fine. Again, the risks of being like, so if you're a super villain you also have the benefit of the people
Starting point is 00:13:28 that you're fighting or that will stop you robbing that bank i'm gonna kill you yeah whereas if i'm a superhero i have that the risk of death is so much higher so much higher absolutely and the risks of like the death of my loved ones also higher villains well no because i think the risk i think the risk of loved ones dying is higher as a supervillain. Because you're just involved in shady shit. Not from superheroes. Superman's not going to skeletonize your wife. But the penguin
Starting point is 00:13:54 might skeletonize your wife to set an example. But think about this situation. Say I'm a supervillain. I just call myself Jackson. And I own the Jackson. Jackson the freak. I've been truly monikered by the people. Old Jackson
Starting point is 00:14:09 the Freak. Batman lands in front of me Jackson the Freak. What? No, Jackson. I actually look pretty normal. Quiet! He beats the shit out of me. But if I own the Jackson Lounge later, it's the Freak Lounge. It's the Freak Hall. The wet Freak Hall. I didn later, it's the freak lounge. The freak hole.
Starting point is 00:14:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The wet freak hole. I didn't get a freak hole at the freak hole. Who put this sign up? Ah, yes. What's happening? It's Jackson the freak and his freaks. Well, I was going to say,
Starting point is 00:14:37 so in this situation, say I let you in. I'm like, hey, you know the freak hole? Yeah. In the city? Love it. That's my club.
Starting point is 00:14:44 I own it. why'd you name it that i actually didn't i don't know there was a miscommunication at some point i really don't know what happened there's something really strange i actually was going to call it the jackson lounge and at some point in the year it got changed to the freak hole i don't know i thought it was called the wet freak hole yeah well we finally got rid of the wet. We finally. It took us a long time to get the right audiences or whatever. Anyway, but if I let you into that life, I can be like, like what I keep thinking is I'm like both named Joel. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:14 Great goon names. Yeah. The two Joels. I put you out the front. We have the same powers as you. Why do we want to be your goons? Well, in this scenario, you don't. Okay.
Starting point is 00:15:22 Either way, I'd be like, oh, goon sounds nice. Yeah well that's what I mean and I can pay you well, I can give you body armor, I can really bring you into my world. Okay so this is the thing that I think you're forgetting is that villains say this all the time but they never actually do it. Well I would.
Starting point is 00:15:41 That's like being like well superheroes don't hang out with other superheroes well I would. Well, no, but what I'm saying is I have the ability to, but as a superhero, if I'm like, guys. You can open a bar as a superhero, why not? It's not about opening a bar. It's about letting you into my life and supporting you financially with my crimes. As a gesture of my affection.
Starting point is 00:16:00 As a superhero, what can I do? You can open a bar and. No, because the thing is, though, again, it comes down to. Superman can open a bar just called Superman's Bar. Then he's not fighting crime. He's not a superhero, what can I do? You can open a bar and... No, because the thing is, though, again, it comes down to... Superman can open a bar just called Superman's Bar. But he's not fighting crime. He's not a superhero. He's not a superhero. But he's quick.
Starting point is 00:16:10 He can do both. But it's about the ethos, right? Yeah. It's about the whole concept where it's like, well, I have my powers, right? And then I'm going to use them for good. And I'm not going to benefit from them in any way, shape, or form in terms of a monetary reward. Well, what if you just don't pay yourself? Whereas a villain will.
Starting point is 00:16:27 And again, look at every single job, I guess, that most superheroes have that don't really have to do with their superpowers. Absolutely. Because again, it almost feels like if I am doing that, it's kind of I'm exploiting that aspect. Whereas if I open the freak hole lounge, I make money off it yep it's all i do
Starting point is 00:16:47 with my life but you're not a super villain yes it's an illegal lounge we do crimes in there what i'm saying is that and it seems like you want to be a superhero no i just think that i feel like that this is just one of those classic situations where you're like it's fine i can do this but if i look at the other side, I can't actually do that, because I've just decided. I just think, being super strong and super fast, even just being a henchman
Starting point is 00:17:14 for, say, Jackson, and not letting you know that I have powers might actually be good, because I'd fly under the radar. I don't like this. I'd just be like, I'll be your henchman. I get paid a nice, cushy job. All I got to do is be your bouncer, and that's fine.
Starting point is 00:17:28 And then you realize that Jackson's doing less than you and getting all the money. Yeah, but I'm getting some money. Yeah, I'm paying you. Joel Zammett would be happy in that role. My ass. Oh, this guy's doing significantly less than me and earning 20 times my wage.
Starting point is 00:17:41 I'm running a criminal empire. What crimes are you doing? We're doing murders. How are you benefiting financially? Racketing, exploitation, smuggling. So these are crimes. That's good. Murder, not a good one to earn money from.
Starting point is 00:17:56 More a threat. Yeah, well, we've ran some kidnappings. But yeah, as like a bouncer, and I'm just like, well, I've got superpowers. I don't have to do much with them. I just got to sit there. I'm actually earning a decent wage. Yeah, whatever.
Starting point is 00:18:08 Yeah. I guess if you want to fly under the radar and just earn money, but also not, I guess go to bed at night and be like, whatever. Nine to five, whatever. It's good. Or in this case, like maybe a five to nine. Yeah, yeah. But like, you know, when Batman comes and he like punches me in the face, I'd be like,
Starting point is 00:18:22 oh, it hurt. Oh, no. I guess you're not in as much danger. Yeah, that's true. And then Superman comes along and you die. Well, why would he be punching a goon? That's not Superman. Superman throws goons all the time.
Starting point is 00:18:34 Well, unfortunately, you can't say fucking hell, Superman, as he punches your guts. Superman, what the hell? I'm in the panic room. I'm out of here. I see you, damn it, get punched. I'm like, oh, no. I don't know. It's weird. I'm out of here. I see you, Dama get punched. I'm like, Oh no. I don't know. It's weird. Like, I just feel like that, like. But the trick is that a superhero, even though they could open a bar,
Starting point is 00:18:53 they're probably not going to. See, here's the thing. I think that you're. Or they could, but they'd have to split their time between the bar and fighting crime. It just feels like you can be a, you can be. No one's been a part-time villain. Yeah. But you can absolutely be a part-time hero. It's just no one's done it before. Well, yeah, I just don't think they can be a part-time hero. Who cares? They're just not.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Okay, we live in a city. Because the ethos and the whole concept of why you are a hero kind of prevents you from doing these other things. It's why Spider-Man always has a shitty life. He's like, I can't, I have to be a hero 24-7. He's linked too heavily on great responsibility. You can only do so much. Well, yeah, I agree, which is where it's just kind of-
Starting point is 00:19:31 So you open a bar, if that's what's good. Because you're bringing joy to people by doing that. Sure. So that is great responsibility. For me, it's just a good base of operations. Yeah. Crimes, but yeah. For you, you're just painting a target on your back,
Starting point is 00:19:42 because now if I want to go beat up Jackson, I know he'll be in the free car and I get thrown in Gotham like jail for like a week and then I'm out again and then you come back out
Starting point is 00:19:51 and Joker's boys have burnt down the free car and I'm like I'll have my day and then I go down into the sewers or whatever
Starting point is 00:19:56 I know I'm in part of the beautiful dance that is Gotham City actually that's a good point if you're in Gotham City Joker's gang are just
Starting point is 00:20:04 hitting you with bats constantly yeah but that's part of the beautiful dance that is Gotham City. Actually, that's a good point. If you're in Gotham City, Joker's gang are just hitting you with bats constantly. Yeah, but that's part of the parcel. I'm accepting it. Yeah, I'm accepting it. Sometimes I'm in charge, sometimes he's in charge. I feel like that if it's you, V Joker, there's no times you're ever in charge. Sometimes I'm not not in charge.
Starting point is 00:20:20 Sometimes I'm actively being hit with bats, other times I'm not. Yeah, so... But there's always a risk. But that's okay. Sometimes I'm actively being hit with bats, other times I'm not. Yeah, so... But there's always a risk. Yeah, but that's okay. But yeah, like part-time superhero, or alternatively just a superhero that's like... And you become a villain.
Starting point is 00:20:34 No, you don't. Yes, you do. If you... You just shrug, and you're like, oh, whatever. That means you've passed a crime, and you've been like... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not passing a crime. I feel like if there's something I can do at that moment,
Starting point is 00:20:46 yeah, I will stop it. But I'm not flying straight up. I guess I'm quick. Running laps of the city looking for crimes. Yeah. So you're saying that- Okay, okay. You have, let's say you got-
Starting point is 00:20:56 Well, I roster crime fighting times, but I just make sure I change them every week so villains don't know. Okay. Let's say you are about, you have a bar. You've bought one. That's because you're a dream. I like how the bars become central to this you've you've bought a bar you're gonna run this bar this is your bar this is your live this is what you want to do and so you are running to open up
Starting point is 00:21:12 a bar and you see a crime but you have to open up because you know that's when the bar opens you get your drunks do you know how easy it would be to open a bar 10 minutes late because i'd be well no no because this is it is that because this is like another hero or a villain. Clearly don't go to bars. Let me tell you. Bars open and close whenever they want. All right, so an hour's gone by. You're like, I'm getting the shit kicked out of me
Starting point is 00:21:34 and I still haven't opened. That's fine. I would have employees. I don't know. A bar manager. Hey, man. I'm going to be late. I'm late, but I own the bar,
Starting point is 00:21:44 so you can't be you're making a phone call as you're getting your shit the shit kicked out of you when i see the thing i'd send a text who cares it's easy or call them while i'm getting the shit kicked out of me yeah i'm a superhero don't worry about the noise i'll be in later oh okay you own a bar yeah so superheroes know jackson owns a bar it's the same shit. Yeah. It's more dangerous, though. No, I don't know if it's more dangerous. I just think you've split your time. Even if you split your time equally,
Starting point is 00:22:12 you can't do both at 100%. You're going to half-ass one of them. Yeah. Which is fine, if that's what you're willing to do. I think you can half-ass both of them, to be honest. Well, yeah, you can quarter-ass one and then three-quarter-ass the other. Yeah, well, the thing is, and I feel like this is something that's never explained in comics,
Starting point is 00:22:29 and you seem to really be struggling to get a grasp of, I just won't fight crime every night. Obviously, in my night-to-night life, if I encounter crime, I will fight crime. But I'm not going to be on the patrol in the city. It just feels like you're not really a superhero, you're just a guy with powers. Yeah. And that wasn't the third option. I'm doing heroic things
Starting point is 00:22:50 that you can't say that you can be not a villain sometimes and that still counts and therefore not be, because I'm always a hero. Yeah, and I suppose, but if I'm not, because I can't see what Dushan means, if I'm not, if one night I decide to just take the night off from doing villainy, I mean, am I all of a sudden a good guy?
Starting point is 00:23:06 Well, no. Yeah, well, and if Dusha takes- But I feel like Superman or someone will come down and be like- Superman fucks off into space all the time. Yeah, yeah. And then he walks across America. Yeah, I got to do the fucking- I had space shit to deal with.
Starting point is 00:23:17 Yeah, I got bar shit to deal with. You need to judge more, I feel. Yeah, I don't think it makes Dusha not a superhero, but it makes you a very unique superhero that I think would cop a lot of shit from the other superheroes. There would be judgment within the superhero community. They'd be like, where were you? I'd be like, working.
Starting point is 00:23:34 Where were you? They'd be like, well, I work at the Daily Planet and I still manage to save the day all the time. What happens during crimes during the day? Like if during the... You started work at nine. I'd leave work and go take care of them. So how is that any different to me?
Starting point is 00:23:49 I work at night. That's the only difference. Well, you don't leave the bar to go fight crime. You take crime off. No, but if there is crime. Yeah. You leave the bar? Well, if it's outside, like if I see it.
Starting point is 00:23:58 If it's outside the bar. Oh, yeah. That's just how you're responsible as a bar. Not as a superhero. Even if you were a superhero. Don't you know with great power comes great responsibility? And I'll be like, you'll be getting that speech
Starting point is 00:24:06 so much by other heroes. I'll be like, hey, Batman, hey, Spider-Man and Superman, you know how you can float around the city, basically? I can't do that. I'm a grounder.
Starting point is 00:24:16 You are as quick as a bus and as strong as a bar. You're telling me you don't have the time and the ability to zip around? I can't be at work, find out there is crime, and disappear into the bathroom. Batman doesn't even have powers and he doesn't. Batman does exactly what I'm doing.
Starting point is 00:24:36 Why are you owning a bar? Batman is a good example, actually. The moment a crime happens, Batman's out of Bruce Wayne, though, and into Batman. Never in Batman's life is he Bruce Wayne-ing and he hears a crime happening and he's like, I'm in the middle of a gala. No, but I also- I've got five more minutes of Bruce Wayne-ing and then I'll be- But then also, fair enough, you're right, because if you do see a crime in the middle of your regular life,
Starting point is 00:25:00 you go out and fight it. But- Like, Batman isn't on patrol during the day. But Batman's a terrible Bruce Wayne. He half-arses his Bruce Wayne life, and it's all in service of being Batman. So if your bar is in service of you being bus man, I just think with clever staffing, it won't really matter.
Starting point is 00:25:19 You can own a bar and only work two or three nights. Why even own the bar, though? I want to own a bar. I got a busload of money. Why do you want to own a bar? I mean, you could own the bar in terms of just like, it's an investment that you don't really do. Like, that's like how you could work there. Oh yeah, but I gotta get
Starting point is 00:25:33 off the ground first. But I guess the question is why, I still don't know, why are you a superhero? Yeah. Like, you've managed to own a bar and fight crime. You gave me a choice between a villain or a hero, and a villain is a worse choice. I picked hero.
Starting point is 00:25:48 And now a quick word from our sponsors. Joel Zammett here from either the podcast you're currently listening to or some other podcast like, let's say, I don't know, Baseless Speculation, rudely interrupting your good times to tell you about another podcast I do called Baseless Speculation. Do you often find yourself looking at a new Spider-Man trailer and thinking to yourself, I wonder how Sony are going to shit the bed on this one. Or perhaps you're a big fan of X-Men and will ponder how they would even show the Krakoan era of mutants on the silver screen.
Starting point is 00:26:23 show the Krakoan era of mutants on the silver screen. Or maybe there's some news that some fucking guy is going to play Mario Mario in the upcoming film Mario about that plumber Mario and his brother Luigi. And you think to yourself, I wonder what they're going to do there? Why do these plumbers keep jumping on turtles? Us too. So we made a show about it where we baselessly speculate on upcoming films, TV shows, and more. So join me and my beautiful co-hosts, Jackson Bailey and Joel Dusha, who you might know from either this very podcast or anothery on baseless speculation. Available on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon are doing a
Starting point is 00:26:59 podcast thing now. You can find us there if you'd like. Google? They have Google Podcasts now. Really, there's never been a better time to search for podcasts, especially ones called Baseless Speculation. Okay, but there's no, like, desire to, like, there's no benefits you see to being a superhero, only negatives to being a supervillain. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's fair enough, I guess.
Starting point is 00:27:24 Look, if this was a different episode where it was like, would you become a superhero or a supervillain. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's fair enough, I guess. Look, if this was a different episode where it was like, would you become a superhero or a supervillain or simply do nothing with your powers, I'd be like, yes, I will take the third one. I will live a regular guy life that just benefits from having powers. I am just also strong. Makes my life easier. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:41 I'd do the nothing option and just be like, sick. I would just have this. Oh, I would probably, how will this improve my day-to-day life? But, oh, I would probably, yeah, I would stop any crimes I saw. I don't know if I would. Yeah, I probably would. I might like, I don't know. Depends what the crime is. If they're stealing from a supermarket, I'd help. Oh yeah, it's funny. Robbing
Starting point is 00:27:58 a bank maybe, I'd help. I won't miss it. But you know, you could just be both my goons and get exactly the lives you wanted we rob walmarts all the time but
Starting point is 00:28:10 what kind of crimes would I be able to see and do also Jackson's gotten off so lightly here because he's simply just been like yeah I just sit in the
Starting point is 00:28:16 freak hole and I do murders or whatever we'll give him what four in a sec I think I've flown under the radar he hasn't yet
Starting point is 00:28:23 come on we've given him enough rope. I'm just trying to work out that kind of thing. Like, yeah, it's just what crimes could you stop or would you stop? Like on a scale? Muggings, probably. Would you stop a mugging?
Starting point is 00:28:33 Yeah. Yeah, well, then, like, how would you? Hey, idiot with the knife. And then they turn around to look at me, and I'm like, fuck you. And then they come and try and mug me. And then you just run them over. Or I just pick them up and throw them straight up in the air. I punch them in the tailbone.
Starting point is 00:28:46 That's my signature move. It's not my ass, but it's near my ass and it hurts. It hurts quite a bit. You exploded my coccyx. Yeah, I'm the coccyx killer. C-O-C-C-Y-X. That's how you spell it. What's your villain?
Starting point is 00:29:03 I'm the bad guy. That's how I kill people. I just feel like if you're throwing a person up and then they land, Spell it. What's the villain? I'm the bad guy. That's how I kill people. When I have to. I just feel like if you're throwing a person up, and then they land, then they- I catch them. Okay.
Starting point is 00:29:12 It just seems that there are certain, like, scrutinies as a superhero. Yeah. What would a normal superhero do with a mugging? Well, that's the thing. I mean, Spider-Man, like, flips them, and then they, you know- What is-
Starting point is 00:29:22 Yeah, but- Superman might pick them up and chuck them in jail. And then, like, you know, wraps him up to a lamppost kind of fucking hate him flash probably picks him up takes him to jail no he's quick yeah it depends because if you're like basically assaulting someone and even if they are also assaulting someone no it's fine yeah it would stand up in court whatever i don't know if it would it absolutely would because again
Starting point is 00:29:41 if i see because it, in Con Air- Yes. Nicolas Cage goes to jail because he's a Marine and his whole body, I think- His fists are classified as lethal weapons, so self-defense doesn't count. Which is not the Con Air- As a radioactive bus man. Unfortunately, the Con Air rules are exclusive to Con Air. But also,
Starting point is 00:30:08 it wouldn't matter because if I saw a mugging and I was super strong and super quick, I'd just pick the guy up until the mugging was over. Until the guy ran away and then drop the guy down and fuck off. Maybe I'd take his phone off him and get his details and take it to the cops and be like, I saw this guy doing a mugging or whatever.
Starting point is 00:30:24 I'd have a body cam too, you know, so that I could take it to... There and be like I saw this guy doing a mugging or whatever I'd have a body cam too you know so that I could take it to there's not much I could do like again I'd be kind of limited throw him into a bush
Starting point is 00:30:31 whatever so then he's got the fear of me in him and a bush fear of I feel like if you go to mug someone then all of a sudden
Starting point is 00:30:38 you're in the air and landing in a bush you're not gonna try it again or you just get good at knocking people out with one punch I just like slapping the knife or gun out of their hand is probably my go to in a bush. You're not going to try it again. Or you just get good at knocking people out with one punch. Slapping the knife or gun out of their hand is probably my go-to. Like, no!
Starting point is 00:30:50 Because I mean, like, oh! It's too dangerous. Because it can go off. See, the thing is, because I wouldn't be trying to, I'm not trying to get the guy arrested. Because I don't know, I'm not a cop. Exactly. I don't know, what the fuck? I'm just trying to stop the mugging happening. Yeah, that's true. That would be my goal. And I think I could do that. Well, if I'm super fast, I could grab the person's being. Fast as a boss. Yeah, that's pretty fast. It's not goal. I think I could do that. Well, if I'm super fast, I could grab the person's being.
Starting point is 00:31:05 Fast as a boss. Yeah, that's pretty fast. It's not that fast. It's like, what, a hundred and what? It's faster than a human. I could grab the person that's being mugged
Starting point is 00:31:13 and remove them from the situation and the person's mugging nothing. Exactly. Hey, nice mugging, dickhead. What are you mugging? The mug is like looking down at his gun.
Starting point is 00:31:22 You mugging the air, you fucking idiot? You're the biggest fucking idiot in this town. I swear there was a guy. I don't see anybody. I just see one fucking idiot mugging in the fresh air. I promise.
Starting point is 00:31:31 I thought I... Dude. You fucked in the head. Can I mug you? No, I'm out of here. And then you run away. And he's like, am I going insane? It just seems I'm either under too much scrutiny
Starting point is 00:31:45 as a superhero and no matter what it is because you can have that whole thing but also I don't care if I'm under scrutiny yeah but like you are under
Starting point is 00:31:52 so much pressure in terms of like doing good doing this all the time but there's really like you have to kind of bat a hundred here's the thing
Starting point is 00:31:59 people that are under scrutiny for being a superhero and it weighs on them are the ones that are fully committed to being a superhero and are like I can't do it where if i'm four days a week superheroing and they're like oh this where was he tonight i'm like i see that news report i'm like
Starting point is 00:32:12 i don't feel bad that was a rostov oh my god can somebody get down to douches section of town oh wait no he's working tonight that's right of course judged by the superhero community but if you don't care about it whatever you don't care about it does Daredevil just leave halfway through court cases
Starting point is 00:32:32 I don't think so I don't know he would just Daredevil at night right which is the opposite of me but Daredevil's kind of I guess he's trying to do good through the court system
Starting point is 00:32:39 and I'm trying to do good through social things are you going to be like the barkeep and you'll be like tell me about your problems yeah I really want to mug good through social things. Are you going to be like the barkeep and you'll be like, tell me about your problems? Yeah, I really want to mug someone. Have you heard of maybe don't mug them?
Starting point is 00:32:51 Would you like to come into the back room? Yeah, you can practice mugging me and then I break their arms. I'm boss man. Then that makes you a villain. That's fine. It's a good trick. Because the guy was talking about mugging you. You just broke his arms.
Starting point is 00:33:05 Not going to mug anyone now. I's a good trick. Because the guy was talking about mugging. You just broke his arm. Not going to mug anyone now. I was a little drunk. I didn't know. You broke my arm. Spitballing ideas. Yeah, you're getting arrested, dude. For what? Breaking a man's arm.
Starting point is 00:33:18 You really think the police are going to believe a drunk versus a man who had the respect of a man? A drunk with broken arms? That man right there did it in the back room just there, all the other people at the bar are like, yeah, we saw it happen. Do you have a security camera? I'm cleaning the glass, he fell over. Can we check your tapes? No!
Starting point is 00:33:38 Yeah, you actually can't. I think you broke this man's arms. Sir, officer, I own a bar. Don't you know that I, a bar owner, could never commit such a crime? Oh, officers, I would never do it. I am going to put on your mask. I'm boss man. And they're like, are you the superhero that's here four days a week?
Starting point is 00:34:02 Do you know how much crime happens on a Friday? All of the criminals schedule their crimes for Friday because they know you won't be here. Yeah, but that's what I was saying at the start. I change my roster every week. That's true. There's no consistency to my fighting crime. But they always know there's a chance you won't be out and about. Yeah, which is good because then there's also a chance I am.
Starting point is 00:34:19 So then they have to risk it. And if I'm crime fighting four days a week, there's more of a chance I am actually out than I'm not. I mean I guess that's something that somehow all of Gotham's criminals are always saying where they're like hey is the bat out tonight? Even though he is every single night. I don't know is Batman actually out every single night?
Starting point is 00:34:36 Well no because there's times when they can do crimes so they kind of risk it. Yeah so Batman doesn't even fight crime every night so maybe lay off me hey? And he's fucking dedicated, and I'm not. You're not lazily going about it. Because you kind of have a foot in both doing nothing and being a superhero.
Starting point is 00:34:55 So let's go whole, like, we'll take option three off the table. Okay. And you've got to basically go whole ass into either superheroing or supervillainy. Go full whole ass into superheroing simply because you would get the perks of being provided you go whole ass and don't try and do something fucking stupid like trying to hold down a full-time job at the same time yeah you'd be a good superhero and therefore people would be kind to you and give you shit yeah that's fair like good shit not bad shit not give you shit as in like hey fuck head in the sky so you're saying that
Starting point is 00:35:23 you're becoming a superhero for like perks yes so someone gives you like a free washing machine and you're like this is why i do it i do it for the people i get up in the morning but also the perks like you just like get up in the morning put on your your tights sponsored by samsung if samsung want to reach out and sponsor me personally i will accept well i mean like i'll throw my iphone in the sea and i will get a samsung it makes me think of like when we said um you know what what other job could spider-man do like you're right if you're gonna hold us it you need to make the whole thing your career yeah so i think no one would judge you if you were sponsored by samsung fair enough you gotta
Starting point is 00:35:58 make some cash yeah yeah yeah and if someone's like why are you sponsored i'm like do you want to give me a home and then if they say say yes, I'm like, well, I've ditched the sponsorship. Thank you for the house. And then next week I have another sponsorship because I need to pay my bills. Is Samsung giving you a house? That's a pretty lucrative deal. But if you were sponsored by, again, I think I say if you're sponsored by Samsung, you'd have to be like, oh, it's not like Joel Mannert, it's Joel Dusha.
Starting point is 00:36:23 You'd have to have like no secret identity. No, I can. You'd have to have, like, no secret identity. No, I can have a secret identity. No, no, no. Because they'd only be sponsored. They don't give a shit about my civilian life. They're not going to sponsor me. Well, but they'd have to know who you are. No.
Starting point is 00:36:35 And also, like with, say, a corporation. Have you not seen Batman and Robin? I can get a credit card that simply says the boss man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it'd be kind of like with Disney and other corporations. You'd have to be... They would have an internal, like, this is how you need to behave. Especially in public.
Starting point is 00:36:55 The fucking... So it would be kind of like... Yeah, for podcast sponsorship, maybe. But for me, as a superhero... You'd think they'd be like, do what you like, buddy. Well, they would be like, like hey if you kill a guy That's grounds to termination They'd be like we need you to mention Samsung phones At least four times a day
Starting point is 00:37:14 See I have the power to be like Or no And then you're out in your ass You don't have a Samsung sponsorship That's fine and then I'll just be like Yeah they've They don't want to fuck with me Because you don't have a Samsung house. That's fine. And then I'll just be like, yeah, they've... I'll just put...
Starting point is 00:37:26 They don't want to fuck with me because you don't want a superhero being... Imagine a superhero comes out and is like, Disney or evil. Yeah, well, yeah, but that's...
Starting point is 00:37:34 You could just say that anyway. What? When they're like, what do you mean? If I'm watching TV and then bus man, former sponsored by Disney, no longer sponsored by Disney,
Starting point is 00:37:44 him going, oh, Disney's evil. I mean, like, well, first off, it's a corporation, of course. Secondly, of course you're going to say that. You just got dropped by them, you big loser. No, no, no. But it wouldn't, no. You killed a man.
Starting point is 00:37:56 No, but that's what I mean. Like, I wouldn't agree to a sponsorship unless. What? You could kill a man? Sounds like villainous behavior to me. Not if I could kill a man. But you were saying that they'll be like, you have to mention Samsung four times or whatever. And you'd be like, no.
Starting point is 00:38:07 No, and then they'd be like, well, fine. So how are you making money while you're superheroing waiting for that key sponsorship that's going to fund your life? Well, I just think that like- Ever tell me to save someone, give me five bucks? I charge a rate. I think like, there'd be stuff I could do at the same time that could probably make money.
Starting point is 00:38:25 Maybe just film at the same time, make YouTube videos, monetize that. Putting a body camera on as you like, say, you know, zipping by the city and kind of like, like hot,
Starting point is 00:38:38 you know, 4k. Uh, have you ever wanted to experience Melbourne going speed of bus? Oh yeah. That's kind of cool, I suppose. It's like an eight-hour long. There's like pauses in between where you punch a man.
Starting point is 00:38:54 10K views or something. Not bad. But it's like... Earned like 17 bucks. That's a good start. Maybe have a Patreon. Yeah. Oh, I could have a Patreon.
Starting point is 00:39:04 You could. Patreon's not a bad one. Patreon's a good idea. It's great for a superhero. Again, a Patreon would only be an issue if I did something bad, which is fair enough, because if I did something bad, I would need to face consequences. And if financially...
Starting point is 00:39:16 If I get a thousand Patreons, I promise I will punch the lollipop out of a small child's mouth. I will never get this. I will never get this. Oh, no. That was a joke, guys. It was a joke. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:39:30 Boss man punches small child's lollipop. I had to for my patrons. I made a promise. Hey, if I get 2,000 patron subscribers, I'm going to head to the free call and turn Jackson Inside Out from his mouth. I'm like on my computer, looking at my goons.
Starting point is 00:39:44 Are you saying this? Can he say this? He's never going to get to 2, looking at my goons, are you seeing this? Can he say this? He's never going to get to, okay, he's got 1500. Is he allowed to actually do this? Is he allowed to threaten my life? Is he allowed to say
Starting point is 00:39:54 he's going to come in here and turn me inside out? We might need to up security at the pre-call, guys. Yeah, I'm just going to keep monitoring. I'll set an alarm when it hits to like 1800
Starting point is 00:40:01 or something. How long until that giant shark we were going to get to put in the pool gets here? Six weeks? That's a while away, Jackson. It's hard to get it hits to like 1800 or something. How long until that giant shark we were going to get to put in the pool gets here? 2006 weeks? That's a while away, Jackson. It's hard to get a shark in New York. Surely he won't get 2006 weeks.
Starting point is 00:40:12 No, why? I'm just like floating around the free call of like 1,900 patrons. Scrolling, refreshing on your phone. Hey, how's business? Have you seen my patrons? Above board? See my patrons? Above board? See my patrons? It's going to be a ride at the time
Starting point is 00:40:27 that they're moving the giant shark through the, like I've had to move everybody out of the tables or up against the side. Just wheeling a chicken. What's he on, boss? I don't know. Get that shark in there. Put it in the big tank
Starting point is 00:40:42 and then I'll be over the big tank. We'll figure it's going to be all right. Give the bus man some side eye. Put it in a big tank And then I'll be over the big tank It's gonna be alright Give it to the bus man With some side eye And like it goes over to however many Thousand I'm like oh the shark gets kind of Dumped Slides into the border or whatever
Starting point is 00:40:58 Paying way too much attention to like Bus man's twitter as opposed to like Where you're gonna lay out the shark tank Into a wall? Shark dies. You just collect me. Maybe we can put the shark back. Bus man goes through the shark.
Starting point is 00:41:19 Sorry, boss. You're like, why do you even have a shark? What's, what's your theme? I thought the natural enemy of a bus was a shark. I didn't expect to be your supervillain, bro.
Starting point is 00:41:32 Okay. I thought, you know, we'll fight against a bus. Can't do good in water. I'm just trying out different themes. We got the shark. I got these laser beams. You gotta understand that for my patrons, I gotta turn you inside out now, yeah?
Starting point is 00:41:45 That's pretty villainous behaviour, dude. And if the people love it, then I guess I'm just a punisher. I'm too strong to die from it, I think. Well, you've given me my theme, I guess. The freak hole makes more sense now. He's inside out. They start calling me freak hole. God damn it.
Starting point is 00:42:08 It's wet freak from the Freakhole. He's wet because he's inside out. He got peeled. Actually had the name first. My patrons are like, I thought I was going to kill him, but we're kind of glad it didn't. You've just disfigured him and created a supervillain.
Starting point is 00:42:23 But now you've got an arch nemesis. Patreon numbers will probably go up. Yeah, that's true. And I feel like I'll gather some legitimacy. Joker probably will stop hitting you with bats. He's like, I don't want to see what happens when the bat hits your inside out skin. Yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to.
Starting point is 00:42:38 Gross up my pristine bat. Fair enough. It's definitely going to leave a mark on your bat. I don't want that. I could get like inside out goons. Inside out hounds. Making like right way gun, like ray guns so that people can, you peel them and then I'm peeled.
Starting point is 00:42:56 Yeah. It's kind of weird for me to take a thing you did to me and then make it my theme and do it to others. Yeah, but I will. If I have to be peeled and inside out, then the rest of the world should be. I'm gonna peel the world. I'm wet freak. I'm gonna peel Gotham. That's my promise.
Starting point is 00:43:15 That's funny as well if I'm like, I'm douches left, the shark's dead, I'm peeled and I'm like, well I gotta peel everyone now. And you're like, I'm just gonna put it by two weeks I guess I found my theme we'll be peeled
Starting point is 00:43:28 what about we just get like a costume that looks like I don't have to be peeled for everyone to look the same first my right hand man and my frontal goon you definitely have to be peeled and then I run away like he had powers the whole fucking time.
Starting point is 00:43:47 Oh, my God. Probably would have been hard to peel. It probably would have worked peeling him. Everyone else we peel just fucking dies. This is actually more upsetting. Damn it. Could have gotten away with it. It hurts to walk.
Starting point is 00:44:03 I miss when I was right way in. I'm not respected by the community for being a hero, but at least I'm not inside out. Yeah, well, I'm not respected by the community for being a villain. And I'm on the lam. Nobody even knew about that. So I think today what we've learned is With great power Does come great responsibility But you don't have to use it
Starting point is 00:44:27 You can do what you want Yeah do what you like Really That's the best option Number three I feel like Not going whole ass On the heroes
Starting point is 00:44:34 Not going whole ass On the villains Choosing the nothing option Yeah It's better to half ass Yeah Superhero, supervillain Or just a guy
Starting point is 00:44:40 Because both of them Come with like Such like You know Pressure And expectations Yeah yeah Because even as a villain You have that responsibility Absolutely To be a villain villain or just a guy. Because both of them come with such pressure and expectations. Because even as a villain, you have that
Starting point is 00:44:47 responsibility to be a villain. I've got to be bad. You can't just be a run-of-the-mill mugger. You've got powers, so you've got to do super crimes. I've got to learn how to run a mafia too. And then if you try and go straight or you get sick of it, then you just get whacked.
Starting point is 00:45:02 Yeah, I don't want to be whacked. Sometimes a hero comes in and turns the inside out. and go straight or get sick of it, then you just get whacked. Yeah, I don't want to be whacked. Yeah, that's fair. Sometimes a hero comes in and turns the inside out. What about? This is like a third sneaky, like maybe a fourth sneaky. So become a supervillain, whatever. But then just commit a crime and then just go to jail. Okay.
Starting point is 00:45:21 Inmate mode. Yeah. So just serve a prison sentence. But make sure I'm always in prison I don't want to deal With the rest Ah the Charles Bronson approach
Starting point is 00:45:30 Yeah yeah Do a crime Rob a bank maybe And then realise You love prison so much So you keep beating up everyone Oh no I hope They don't arrest me
Starting point is 00:45:38 And then doing shit To yourself And I go real slow So you've given up on Yeah Regular life Yeah yeah yeah Cause I got no
Starting point is 00:45:45 superheroes trying to kill me. Did Chopper Reed also do that? Maybe. No, because he wanted to get out of prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've traded the threat of death for eternal prison. That's true. But if that's something you're willing to do, then that's still a win.
Starting point is 00:46:01 You go too far, get given the chair. But I'm fast. I can run all ways. Or you just become electricity man or whatever. Oh, no! Oh, fuck. That's much better than being inside out. I'm jealous. Yeah. I'll give myself the chair. Die. Oh, no. Wet meat made him real
Starting point is 00:46:17 conductive. Yeah, damn. His last words are, I'm crispy now. I think if I was an electric man, I would just hang out in the power lines and that's it. I really just want to lay low for some reason. I just want to be like, not only was radar, because I reckon if you're a villain going to a supervillain prison, but if I was like regular strength, like super strength and all that, went to regular prison, you'd be in charge of the prison, that's true.
Starting point is 00:46:44 I'd be a big fish in a little pond Yeah, yeah, yeah As opposed to just, you know, like a little fish Regular fish in a regular sized pond Yeah, that is an option Yeah, yeah, yeah Maybe Uncle Ben should have simply said You say it best
Starting point is 00:47:00 Well, you do it best when you do nothing at all Yeah Which I think is a Ronan Keaton song with slightly altered lyrics. That is what he should have said. Including the last bit. I think that's a Ronan Keaton song with altered lyrics. Sometimes the best thing,
Starting point is 00:47:16 Peter, is to do nothing. Yeah. Uncle Ben, what are you doing? So he's got to say nothing? No, but I meant do. So I become a silent. What? You do it best.
Starting point is 00:47:33 Mind fighter. You do it best when you do nothing at all. Do nothing is what I'm saying. Don't use the powers you have. Just be a regular guy. Oh, yeah? Because, like, if Just be a regular guy. Oh, yeah? Speak, because like, if you see,
Starting point is 00:47:45 I'm dying. If you see a regular guy and they're just extra strong or whatever, you're like, oh, that guy's strong and you don't think about it. Are you faking dying?
Starting point is 00:47:54 I'm just trying to get up. It's just taking a long time. And you're clearly fucking stupid so you're not listening to my final words. Yeah, how's it not getting to your dense skull?
Starting point is 00:48:03 But you started singing if you say nothing and it confused me. Why did you sing it not getting through your dense skull? But you started singing if you say nothing and it confused me. Why did you sing it? Did you hear it on the radio? I've been shot in my uncle guts. Call the police. Or an ambulance preferably.
Starting point is 00:48:16 I'm fucking dying. I need to get this lesson out of you. Uncle guts are weak to bullets. I'm uncle guts. I'm uncleuts, Peter. Okay. What were his last words? Well, man, he started saying that he was Uncle Guts.
Starting point is 00:48:36 He kept saying that Uncle Guts are weak to bullets. Was he a Ronan Keaton fan? He just tried to impart a message. He just kept calling himself Uncle Gus For his 55th birthday Did you give him like a CD? Yeah, because he kept singing I'm going to be honest with you
Starting point is 00:48:54 He didn't say anything It's quite as a church mouse We don't know what his last words would have been He looked at me and he said He died If I was like you know you say is that does that song
Starting point is 00:49:06 mean anything to you does that ring any bells you say no what about the name uncle guts yeah was that maybe
Starting point is 00:49:12 like a hidden was that a special uncle guts uncle guts maybe he was just going insane from the pain I'm thinking now
Starting point is 00:49:20 he definitely didn't say anything don't worry about it he likes his salad so don't his last words were I love you May Yeah
Starting point is 00:49:27 Tell Aunt May I love her Love from Uncle Gus Yeah so I hope Sorry for your Yeah sorry for your And my uncle I'm sad too Yeah it's a problem
Starting point is 00:49:43 I'm sad Uncle Ben is dead. He's dead. Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to go fight crime with his guts. I'm going to go fight crime with a very confused message rolling around in my head. Then we might actually just go to bed and lie down. Stop, Great Goblin, or you'll be punched by nephew guts. Little guts.
Starting point is 00:50:04 Well, I'm little guts. I'm little guts. I'm little guts and I'm here to stop crime. You say it best. You say it best. You say nothing. Why are you doing this? I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:50:19 We could have ruled the city together. Let me tell you how this happened for me. So you're currently probably in a very similar state to my uncle was. Yeah. So basically, I copped this. You say it best. When you say nothing at all. What does that mean, little gutsy?
Starting point is 00:50:40 But I meant do. What? I've been shot in my uncle guts. I'm uncle guts. And Angry Goblin's like, I'm also uncle guts. And he dies and Peter's just even more confused. He's like, is that a thing that happens when middle-aged men get shot in the guts? Were you an uncle, Norman?
Starting point is 00:50:59 It's too late. Go to Harry. Harry, I'm uncle guts. Harry, did Norman have, like, any siblings? Yeah, was he what you'd call an uncle? I'm going to say two words to you, Harry. You tell me this means anything. We're going to play a quick word association game.
Starting point is 00:51:15 When I say Uncle Guts, you say... What? Fuck. Shit. Okay, you said what. I guess I'll say who? Spider-Man goes around Shooting middle-aged men in the guts
Starting point is 00:51:26 To see if he can repeat it Becomes a real man of sin He's like, every person I shoot in the guts They end up saying Uncle Guts And then I gotta go to their family member And ask, some of them They're not uncles
Starting point is 00:51:41 Some of them aren't uncles If they were uncles I'd understand But some of them aren't uncles. If they were uncles, I'd understand. But some of them aren't uncles. Some of them aren't even like... Do they become uncles when they're shot in the guts? Even like the women, they're like, I'm Uncle Guts. I'm Uncle Guts, yes. But you're not, Guts.
Starting point is 00:51:56 But they're not even aunts. This will all come full circle when Spider-Man, as in Spider-Man Ultimate, gets shot in the guts. And his final words will be like, Oh, it now well i am he looks yeah he looks up he sees like the miles morales the sky just like part like a welcome uncle blinding white light like several different angels all with their big fucking wings then he's just like ah uncle got and then he yeah miles morales is like i gotta be new guts what the fuck does uncle guts mean it's a real curse why did little guts did he shoot webbing out of his arms little guts yeah and now he says
Starting point is 00:52:39 i yeah i imagine when he sees heaven he sees all the uncles he's killed and they're all smiling Welcome to Uncle Heaven Rob Your Uncle Guts Rob with their tummies Welcome to Heaven You get it now don't you
Starting point is 00:52:52 Your Uncle Guts and he's like I'm Uncle Guts I'm Uncle Guts Uncle Guts Uncle Guts and then off he goes to heaven so I think that answers
Starting point is 00:52:59 today's question I'm pretty sure if you were confused about the first 45 minutes of the episode I reckon the last 5 to 10 probably settled the trade for you. So on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.
Starting point is 00:53:10 And I've been Uncle Guts. Yeah, well, in many ways, aren't we all Uncle Guts? In many ways. Hey, did you love Dinosaur Park? The whole dinosaur saga, even. Well, did you know that just as the Joles wrap up their adventures in the vast reaches of space, a brand new adventure has begun. The very same night that the Jels entered Dinosaur Park, Jackson's good friends Adam and Cash found themselves trapped in Dinosaur Land,
Starting point is 00:53:50 Jackson's nightmare of a theme park. If you want to be part of the next chapter of the Dinosaur Saga, then head to SandsPantsPlus and for as little as $10 a month, you gain access to Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, as well as literally an arseload of other content. Once again, that's santspenseradio.com forward slash plus. Head there now. The adventure continues.

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