Plumbing the Death Star - Problems of Assembling The Avengers

Episode Date: May 27, 2014

In which our heroes don the black eye-patch and try and do a better job than Nick Fury. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio. It's a little bit eatable. Hey guys, welcome to Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, what thought process went into assembling the Avengers? so uh-huh the avengers team yep yeah cool so that's what iron man what for for conversation sake and just for the sake of our listeners that mightn't be super super into comics we'll just go with the squad that are in the film okay so. So Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow. Captain America. Captain America. I forgot about him.

Patriotic cunt. And Hawkeye. Okay. Yeah. Cool. And then like obviously there's. Powerful Avenger. And then obviously I guess Nick Fury's like behind it.

He's involved. He's involved. He's in a box. All right. All right. So they're going to like a pay raise or what? Yeah. He'd probably pay.

That's a whole other fucking barrel of cunts. I don't think it pays. Why would they need to? Iron Man is a millionaire. If he was getting further income from S.H.I.E.L.D., that'd be kind of a dick move. I'd hope he'd get a tax break at least. To be honest, Thor has no money,

being as he's not from Earth. Thor would have landed. He'd be like, my gold denarians. They'd be like, what the fuck are these? It's $5. Captain America would have like $3.50 and be like, I was loaded in 1943. He'd be like, I have a cup of coffee. That's $5, thank you. $5?

Everybody else is good, though. All. Alright, so that squad of Avengers. Yeah, cool. They're all good heroes. On paper, seems pretty solid. Yeah. Alright. Now, think about the entire Marvel fucking universe. Uh-huh.

There's the fucking X-Men, Fantastic Four, you've got Spider-Man, you've got mutants coming out of your fucking ass. Uh-huh. Well, I will put to you that the avengers is actually extremely racist because they tend not to like to involve mutants because if you're looking at the avengers i mean not not taking into account what recently happened with like the x-men versus avengers sort of thing in comic book which was kind of silly but prior to that the only amount of like avengers that they had were mutants, the Beast. And I think Storm

might have been them. Wolverine's been in the Avengers. Shut the fuck up. How do you choose an Avenger? Okay, so say we're S.H.I.E.L.D. And somebody's like, look, we need to assemble a team. We thought the Avengers was a cool name. These are the heroes we're putting down on the table. Iron Man, because we need a fast guy with guns.

Thor, because we need a tough guy. Definitely a mutant god. Captain America, because I guess we need another tough guy. The Hulk, because we need a really tough guy. Yeah, because he's a human. Hawkeye, because we have him. He's already on

payroll, so chuck him in. And Black Widow, because we need a girl. And Hawkeye came in first in the company's archery competition so he's pretty good. Those are the people I've thought. Jackson Bailey, head of the Avengers Initiative. And Joel Zammett, the

Anti-Mutant League, approves of all of this because not one of them is a dirty mutant. Joel Duscher, head of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm just wondering if you think this is a good team? Well, it's... Sorry.

But look how non-mutant it is. It's a pretty good team. I mean, aside from that just blatant racism. I mean, I don't know where that's coming from. I'm uncomfortable with that. I'm very uncomfortable. My brother is a mutant, so... Anyway.

Well, I mean, it's... I'm starting to build some sentiments. Is there anything wrong with it? I can send away the email instantly. It's alright. It's not bad. Only alright. You've got a couple powerhouses there

and somebody that can shoot a bow. Look how good he is. He's got blonde hair. As an atheist, I find that uncomfortable. He's an alien. I thought... Good he is. He's got blonde hair. As an atheist, I find that uncomfortable. He's an alien. Okay, that's all right. But look, I thought, you know. No, no, because like, I mean, okay.

So we got two tough guys. Yeah, good. One that's. One has a hammer. One's tougher than the other one's. Three tough guys, really. Tough. And then a fucking, fucking tough guy.

So do we keep the fucking tough guy? Well, okay. How about scrap all of them except Hulk? Okay. Okay. Fine. Yep. Yeah, that'd do a lot of damage.

Any kind of problem, I guess, that needs to be punched in the face, we can have Hulk. So just Hulk, you're saying? Yeah, no, no, no. But what about... All right, apart from this guy, who I'm uncomfortable with his complete racist... I don't even know what he's doing in your office, so he's not with me. Security. I'm just here to protect the interests

of humanity. How about we take an approach, the subtle approach. We get Sue Storm. Sue Storm? Yeah. She's not a mutant, right? Sky. She's still in my office. I'll give her a call. She's invisible. How about we just give her a knife? Beautiful.

I love this idea already. Yeah. Good. Good. He's not going How about we just give her a knife? Beautiful. I love this idea already. He's not going to like this, but we'll get Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler. Give them the teleporting. Give them knives. And maybe give Wolverine a call too. Cannot die.

Has built-in knives. I'll chuck a call down the line. Alrightot die. Has built in knives. I'll chuck a call down the line. Now throw a problem at me. Okay, well look, this guy's probably going to Loki. Yeah, Loki. The reason why the Avengers even got together. Okay, Loki. So we get Hulk. Hulk smashed

the prick. All that happens. Get the three people that can pretty much go invisible just behind him and just knife him. I want to say magic though. He's magical. No one's magical after just being fucking beaten the shit out of by the Hulk.

Can you cut him? Sure. He's probably just got armor on. Okay, so we remove... He bleeds. Yeah, Loki bleeds. He Loki bleeds, so just get your knives what? Admanitium coated knives We'll go Admanitium Is that in Bajat? Sure it is

Oh yeah, maybe we should get Iron Man Because he can bankroll us He's got a lot of money But he is a dick Bankroll Bankroll Alright, Iron Man's in the team No, fuck his suit bankroll a massive like last time bankroll alright Iron Man's in the team

but no fuck his suit why are you even listening to the anti-mutant league of age hey we were voted in how about you can fucking

you and your sentinel but it's a very good point ultimately like this nonsense aside it's a very good point that just those Marvel superheroes

that can teleport or go invisible or just be a little sneaky and subtle give them like a quite good knife and I would say... Even a gun. Yeah, even a gun. Even like a club probably. Harking back to episode

two of Plumbing Vesta. Just Jamie Madrox. What, just multiple people? Yeah. You can shoot him. If I see him and I have a... Oh, there we go. A hundred of them. But if I have the Invisible Woman,

I reckon any of those ones that Dusha mentioned, in all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe films that have come out, they would solve the problems. That's true. Like that.

Quite easily. Invisible Woman by herself with a heavy club like a sock full of mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes? Yeah, that's pretty heavy. You've been hit with a sock full of mashed potatoes? Mashed potatoes? Yeah, it bruises. Really?

Mashed? I thought it would be kind of soft and squishy. How about we go with a sock of locks? Or like a sock of a billion balls, you know? Why not a sock with half a brick in it? How about we go with a sock of locks Or like a sock of Billion balls How about we go with my Original idea of knives How about a sock of mush fruit

Why are you doing that Jackson How about A sock of It hurts I've been hit with a sock of mashed potatoes And you will bruise It says a bit more about you than it does invisible Alright but if they had knives So what's

a Marvel cinematic villain? Alright, let's go with... We'll go chronological order. Fucking Obadiah Kane? Upside down face, yes. Upside down face? He has an upside down face because he's got a beard and no hair.

Upside down face. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah, no, just pop, stab, pop, you're gone. He's in armour, though. Yeah, but he's only in armour for like the last ten minutes of the film. Yeah, most of the time he's just in his office. Like if I was Iron Man, I'd be like,

hey, Sue Storm, Iron Man, this guy's a dick. Do something about it. She'd be like, cool. Fair enough. Also, she can like burst heads and burst heads and stuff with a force field. Anyway, that's not the point. Second film. Oh, Incredible Hulk.

Abomination. Just a guy until he becomes... Just a guy for a good while as well. Okay, so then as Tim Roth, yes, she could invisible up to him and just stabby stabby, but as the Abomination. Wolverine, who was also in my team.

Or like Kitty Pryde goes inside him and phases out his heart. Phases out his heart, there you go. Even, again, Invisible Woman sneaks up behind him, bursts his head. Plus we already have Hulk. Or Nightcrawler could be like, hey, teleport your body.

Oh yeah, and Hulk was also in my team and I believe he was the person who beat him in the film. That's true. Here's an issue, though, with your team. Three of them are, like, currently sort of in employ of Professor Xavier. So how are we getting them? Asking. All right. Professor Xavier seems like an overkill.

I'll be Professor Xavier. In my wheelchair. Okay. Call me up, Joel Dusha, agent of S.H.I.E. In my wheelchair. Call me up, Joel Dusha, agent of SHIELD. Hi, Professor Xavier. My name's Joel Dusha. Head of SHIELD, I know. Reading your thoughts as we speak.

You pervert. I'm really uncomfortable with you reading my thoughts. I don't care. Okay. Moving on then. I'm really uncomfortable with you reading my thoughts. I don't care. Okay. Moving on then. I was just wondering if... Look, I'm putting together a team. The Avengers Initiative.

I know all about it. And I was just wondering... No. But I really need them. No, no. I need them to fight my personal battles against siblings. I'm sorry. I'll give you Kitty Pryde for a million dollars.

What? What? Since when has money become a thing with you, Professor? It's, um, the whole school is under investigation. I'm in a lot of legal trouble all right how about we a million for kitty pride okay well i mean we're a pretty good organization logan lo he's he's going to be hard to convince he's a free eight i mean he does like fighting things well what are you giving him just pay him in like meat meat and cat food uh But Nightcrawler's mine.

I need him. He's iconic. Charles, do you mind if I call you Charles? No. Okay, Professor X? Yes. Okay, Professor X. Are students okay with you treating them like this? I mean, I feel like Avengers might open their...

Anyway, I'll send you Kitty Pryde in a box What? Goodbye You've now become a mutant trafficker It's not good, he's not a good mate But it would be difficult to get them off Professor X Professor X, I'm summoning, I'm building a team

I already have my own team Why do you need a new team? I have the X-Men. That's like 50 guys. Who's better than your shitty Avengers because it has my name in the title. You've got like seven guys. Okay, fine.

It's all about the amount of people. And not one of them starts with an X. I don't like it. All right. So let's just say that Professor X won't let me have any X-Men. Not mutants, right? Also, try and get Sue Storm.

Call up Reed Richards. You can be Reed Richards. I was Professor Xavier. Alright, go on. Alright, uh... Tapping out my keyboard, solving all the problems. Hi, um... I'm Joe Dusha, head of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Oh, hey, S.H.I.E.L.D., how you going? I was just wondering, I'm putting together a team, the Avengers Initiative. I was looking for a member. I was just wondering if your wife, Sue Storm, would be interested in joining. So what kind of problems do you have? Well, as you might have seen on the news or the internet,

whatever, I'm not sure how the news or the internet, whatever. I'm not sure how you deal with that. So you want to put my wife in danger? Not in... That seems a bit... Well... How about this? I invent you something.

I'm going to build you an army of robots. Is that cool? Look, I'm just going to start building army of robots. No, no. Read. Richard. Sir. Okay, everyone.

Guys, we got funding from the government to build an army of robots. Richard. Let's build an army of robots. Oh, God. I'm hanging up. Excellent. We have build an army of robots. Let's build an army of robots. Oh, God, I'm hanging up. Excellent. We have built an army of robots. Then Professor Xavier would call Reed Richards and be like, has the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. been calling you?

Yes, he has. He made me build an army of robots. This is fantastic. He stole Kitty Pryde from me. He's a dick. I miss Nick Fury. So much nicer. So I have Hulk,

Kitty Pryde, a one million dollar debt and I'm the number of votes. What about Logan? He's a free agent. Yeah, he's a free agent. But it would be hard to get in contact. Does he have a mobile phone? And you're right, it would be hard to convince him

He'd be like, I got shit in Japan I'm dealing with the moment Do you know how hectic my life is? I can't just give it up I'll join your team for like a week And then just go and deal with my own shit I feel like I would only need about 20 minutes of him You don't need about 20 minutes

With your team And then you can be like, okay, I'm just going to get a list of villains Alright we'll just take them out one by one Whenever you guys are free They seem very much reactive Yeah they kind of are But I guess it would be weird if it was like The Avengers

Slaughter thousands Like you know Doctor Octopus Dead Unless they're imprisoning them, I guess. Nobody really makes an effort to make a supervillain. Oh, there's the raft. And that's the negative zone. Sinister Six.

Yeah, but they're like... Oh, Spidey, that's Spider-Man. I don't want to encroach. The Sinister Six are totally like, Fuck Spider-Man. Fuck him right in the eyes. Let's get him. They're not like, let's do crime or anything.

We have unrelated motives and themes, but fuck Spider-Man. The Brotherhood? Yeah. But they're not a prison. Oh, oh, oh, prison. Oh, you mean the Brotherhood isn't like the cloak guy? No, the Brotherhood isn't...

The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Oh, right, right. I thought we were going for evil super teams. Oh, yeah, so your Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Oh, right, right. I thought we were going for Evil Super Teams. Oh, yeah, so your Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Yeah, I guess sending 500,000 odd robots at Magneto, not the best idea. Should have thought about that before you got Reed Richards to

sink all this money. How much money went into that? I'm just loving the idea of like your disastrous run as head of shield and all of your underlings being like I am stressed I think I should resign you're losing hair

in a moment of vanity you like stare at yourself like about to pop out your eye, like, maybe this will make them respect me more. Yeah, an eyepatch. An eyepatch will look cool. Fucking hell. And even, like, okay, so I've got Logan, Hulk, Kitty Pryde, 500,000 robots. Magneto is just like...

Logan's fucked. Logan's like, hey, Bob, what's going on? Oh, I've got no metal on my bones anymore And then they come back from that mission Logan's like I gotta go find myself You're like please stay He's like I have no metal I have no nose look at this

I gotta go I gotta rock it This is disturbing Kitty Pryde's having post traumatic stress disorder You sent her inside the abomination. She's like, I removed the heart of a living thing. She has to go on stress leave. You're still paying her. What about Hulk? He'll be fine.

Yeah, Hulk, you can keep Hulk. It's just you and Bruce. George is your head of. and Bruce Banner. Although I think Hulk is fine, but then when he reverts back to Bruce Banner, he's just going to be angry at you and be very passive-aggressive and just not talk to you.

He's like, what, what, what is this? Where's my team? Look what you made people do. You know, you're going to have to end up getting, like, the shitty, because nobody's going to want to end up getting, like, the shitty... Because nobody's going to want to join your team after all of that debacle. You're going to end up with, like, Dazzler and Toad. I think it's time for me to step down.

I think it's a good idea. What a run. What a run as head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Government agent runs country into remission. And then China buys America even further. Yep. Because you got chalked up so much debt. And this has happened, like, your team has fallen apart roundabout like Iron Man 2.

There's nobody to stop any of the other problems the world just gets destroyed by Loki in the end because you've just got Hulk and Dazzler Captain America hasn't been thawed out again when they find him I guess it was an accident they're looking for

but even if they did thaw out Captain America and you were like hey Captain America I'm going to start this team he'd be like I've heard about you. Same with Iron Man. Iron Man would just laugh and drink some whiskey. So Avengers did okay in hindsight after being in the position of Nick Fury. It's not so easy.

No, it's... I think they put together a very decent team. Yeah, all things considered. I think they deserve an apology. Okay, uh, dear Nick Fury, I apologize on behalf of everyone for doubting your ability

to put together a functioning team in the Marvel universe. After stepping into your role, I fucked everything and you were right. I'm so sorry. Yours sincerely, Joe Dusha,

ex-head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Beautiful. Beautiful. And bar, P.S., Nick, if you want to check us out, you can find us on the website, sanspansradio.com. And rate us too. Fuck, I deserve five stars. I don't. Yeah, out, you can find us on the website, sanspansradio.com. And rate us, too. Fuck, I deserve five stars. I don't.

Yeah, no, you don't. I've been Joel, failed head of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've been Jackson, Professor Xavier. And I've been Joel, head of the Anti-Mutant League. It's all fucked. I just imagine you, like, they come in, they're like, I'm sorry, so, like, Logan is laughed. Kitty fries you, just like, it's all fucked.

I'm just tearing up files. Burning them. It's like, it's all fucked now. Oh, shit. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.