Plumbing the Death Star - The Pros and Cons of Dating Monsters

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

In which our heroes get seduced by Dracula, go for a long walk by the swamp with the Gilman and enjoy a moonlit picnic with the Wolfman while we wonder which Hammer Movie Monster would make the best boyfriend. We discuss the issues with sleeping next to a man who is more hair than man and weigh up the pros and cons of having an undead boyfriend who's been around for a millennia or an undead boyfriend who lives in the last century. Jackson finds himself less and less attracted to Wolfman as the episode goes on, Zammit wants a man who can become bats, and Duscher just desperately tries to find something good about the Mummy. So join the lads on their European Summer of Monster Love, as they try to forget about their high school boyfriend Chad by dating their way through castles, swamps and pyramids to find the perfect man.Want to help fund our mythical meet ups? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help us find true monster love.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably fourteen books on finding Mr Right and two for finding Mr You’ll Do. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Free puppies! Shout out to Senator Stephen Fielding, who didn't stop the internet and didn't save me from all the awful things I now know about. Thank you and enjoy the episode. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, in which we ask the important questions like, which Hammer movie monster would make the best boyfriend? elaborate one night when my eyes be filled and eerie sight for my monster from his lab began to rise and suddenly

to my surprise So as I see it, we've got five. You've got your Wolfman. You've got your Draculas. You've got your Mummies. You've got your creatures from the Black Lagoons. And you've got your Frankensteins. Those are your five Hammer Movie Mummies.

Your classics. Those are your prime Hammer movie models. Your classics. Those are your prime. You can chuck in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if you're an idiot. We're not doing that at all. We're not doing that because we're not, you know. So do you want to just start with like Dracula? Okay. Yep.

Okay, cool. So are we going to do like a pros and cons list? Yeah, like what's a pros? Look, we'll start this episode on a positive note. We'll go for old Dracula's pros. Yeah. Okay. Old Dracula's prose. That sounds like my 70s sitcom.

All right, so Dracula's prose. He's immortal, so you're never going to have to worry about him dying unless it's in a very freakishly murderous event. Unless he gets staked and then you're like, oh. Well, one in a million. My constant fear of my partner having a brain aneurysm, no longer there with Dracula. Con, well, one in a million. My constant fear of my partner having a brain aneurysm, no longer there with Dracula. Con, con, Dracula doesn't age.

I do. Eventually I'm going to be too gross for Dracula and he's going to lose interest in me. Although maybe that's a bit materialistic of me. Maybe Dracula loves me for what's inside. He doesn't. Dracula hates what's inside you. Con, another con. Oh, no. You started what's inside you. Con, another con.

Oh no. You started off being so positive. Sorry, Dracula. Dracula probably smells kind of bad. I reckon he smells dusty. He smells like, you know when you put washing in the dryer, or like wet washing, but then you forget to turn the dryer on and you come back and you're like,

oh god. Oh, it's just, it's dried but wrong. That's what Dracula smells like. Dracula, he's dried, but wrong. Pro, owns a castle. Pro, sweet accent. Yeah. Con, annoying accent. Oh, no.

Con, will probably drink your blood. Yeah. Pro, will probably drink your blood. Pro, make you into a vampire. Would he look after you? Like, is he going to show you the respect you deserve? He's got three brides already, guys. I think the problem with Dracula is he's probably going to look at you

like I look at a sandwich. He's a fucking bigamous, though, man. Yeah, but are you into that? Why did you get with Dracula in the first place? I don't know. I could not share Dracula. I need a man that's just for me. Yeah, I suppose.

I'm still worried about the fact that he's going to look at me like I look at a Subway sub. He's going to be like, this is a good date, huh, Dracula? What? What did you say? Yeah. What? Pardon me, Boucher?

I was just thinking about the dinner. Do you want to split the garlic bread, Drac? No! I have allergies. Also, I'm Dracula. Fuck off! Rude move. This is a weird Dracula.

It's a weird date, Dracula. I thought you just wanted to share some bread. Why would you ever go to an Italian place with Dracula? Well, it sounds like our Dracula's a little bit Italian, so maybe it all makes sense. Transylvania turns out it's actually in Sicily. The more you know. Pro can turn into bats.

Is that a pro for a boyfriend? Cons, I'm scared of bats. Is that like something you're like, yeah, thank God my boyfriend can turn into bats. Chad was nice. But Dracula can be bats. And that's what I want. He can also turn into mist.

That's neither of those things are things I look for in a boyfriend. But it's not a con. It's a neat trick. Good party trick. A con doesn't dress appropriately to certain events. But pro dresses really appropriate to the opera. There's some events. There's some events where you're like, thank God.

And then the other events you're like, this is like my uncle's fucking just... I don't know where... This is my uncle's trailer party. What is that? Is my uncle's funeral? I don't know. No, that'd be, well, slightly appropriate.

Don't wear a cape to a funeral. A giant cape with a giant collar. All right. i'm so sorry for your loss i think we spent enough on dracula final score out of 10 uh i'd say there were more more cons than pros yeah i mean he's he's he might be he's he's probably a bit and also he's from another era like he's from like a bygone era so he won't get any of my pop cultural references. He's got weird values. We don't either, so... You and Will of Time... Still not a book. Meme.

So I feel like you're not going to connect on the right level with Dracula. So, look, I might be speaking for the group a bit too eagerly here since we have not discussed it. Four out of ten. I was going to go with three. 3.5. 3.5?

It's not great, but I don't like him at all like it's a dusty castle and there's not a lot of love there dust makes me sneeze sometimes and i feel like after a while you just be in two different ends of the castle not really connecting you'd be like do you want to watch um grey's anatomy no i have to write on parchment i'd be like do you want to watch this new season of true blood and he'd be like fuck that vampire that is shit no one's wearing capes 3.5 out of 10 that's not great Dracula what about the wolfman?

con, hairy pro, hairy a real man probably knows how to cut down a tree con mentality of a wolf when he's wolfman con, definitely looks at you like a sandwich pro sex will be very fucking primal when he's Wolfman. Con definitely looks at you like a sandwich.

Pro, sex will be very fucking primal. Yeah, that's true. There's a lot of man to hold on to. A lot of hair on the back of his back. Con, he seems like a jealous lover. Yeah, and also... And also he smells shit. He's like, who's that scent? Who have you been hanging around with?

Is that Chad again? Have you been seeing Chad? It's Chad. It's's Chad go to all of the movie monsters the movie monsters girlfriend I just called us girlfriends

boyfriends hey we dated Chad and now we're going to the movie monsters Chad was our last serious boyfriend our last serious

boyfriend to Chad the star of the high school high school quarterback yeah and like we left high school and we wanted something a bit more... For our European fans, the high school striker. And for our Australian friends, the high school sitcom. Cinephile.

Pro, Wolfman is probably going to be pretty in touch with your needs, I feel. Just from an animalistic perspective. He'll know when you want space, because he'll be able to smell it and he'll know when you want like a bit of attention would he be into having a dog as a pet or would he think that's a bad thing oh i don't know pro dog man con doesn't like dogs what can i trust love dogs. It's a film. A Wolfman sequel. Would he be okay having a pet?

Well, I feel like the animal pheromones would freak him out. He might kill it as a wolf. That's true. Pro, if you got Wolfman to sync up with your menses, there's a period of time where you just kind of can have that space because he's off eating rabbits and you're off just having a relaxing bath with some candles. Yeah, exactly. That's nice.

That is true. It is very nice. When men, we don't have a menstrual cycle. We have a hormonal cycle. That's true. And his is, well, we'd sync up with him and... Wolfman's not looking good, guys. How often do we have a full moon? Is it

once a month? Once every 28 days or something. And how long is he a wolfman for? The night, the full moon. So it's just for one night? What about the two nights on either side of full moon where it's pretty much a full moon? Does he turn into like a half wolfman then? Is it just like fuck it I guess I'll be

a wolf for three days? Or can he do it at will? If that's the case then he's like he's just fucking Does he turn into like a half wolf man then? Is it just like, fuck it, I guess I'll be a wolf for three days? Is it like... Or can he do it at will? Because if that's the case, then he's like, he's just fucking off for a three-day weekend. That's what he wants. What a fucking party boy. He's just leaving me at home while he fucks off

and has some fun times in the woods. I would feel a little bit betrayed. Con, he might murder someone. Con of all of these... He might murder my enemies. Oh, what. Oh. Wolfman, like, I don't know. I'm just, I'm not,

he's not, he's too flaky. You know what I mean? Pro, he'd be nice to cuddle up to at night, because I think he'd be very warm. Oh, wait, no, Con, I like being cold at night. Get out of here, Wolfman, you're too hot! Con, you've always got angry villagers at your house. This is a side note.

I'm also a hot sleeper, so is this a man thing? Man thing? Man thing? We talk about man thing? Guys, is this a side podcast man thing? I think it is a man thing, being hot at night. It's going to be cold. Yeah.

Yeah. Bad circulation. You know the problem. I think it is a man thing being hot at night yeah girls seem to be cold yeah yeah bad circulation you know so yeah I think a wolf man would be just too hot in that bed too hot too hairy

too ferocious too much too much too jealous like oh my god cleaning out the showers after the wolf you have the opposite problem

you have with Dracula because Dracula he's cold he's weird and clinical wolf man is all like up in your business and you're like oh my god Wolfman would be like let's talk about our feelings Wolfman I just got home

he'd be like have a cry have a howl 2 out of 10 1.5 for me I hate Wolfman fuck off Wolfman I just couldn't guys we've not like got above a 5 Fuck off, Wolfman. I just couldn't.

Guys, we've not got above a five. We haven't got above a fucking three. What about the mummy? The mummy, he's educated. Slow. Slow. Hard to go on walks with. If I want to have a sweet romantic walk along the beach yeah

and like first off we've got to go we'd probably be scared of water we've got to go on a fucking snail pace and then what if like a giant wave or even just simple sea spray

gets him wet that's not going to be great for him or just like what if it rains or a stiff breeze yeah con salt kills mummies

and there's salt in fucking everything so you'd be like Oh, I'm joining the mash Oh, I killed him I guess I'd have to go really far inland And I like the beach Yeah, what if you get sweaty?

That's salt in that We're hot sleepers, guys We're gonna sweat on him You could never sleep with a mummy We'd have to move to his place A pyramid Like a fucking. A pyramid. Like a fucking pyramid.

A dry, hot pyramid. And if it's the fucking pyramid of Giza, that's a tourist destination. We'd never get alone time with him. Bro, he's royalty. He's royalty, though. Not rich, though. Mummies don't have pockets, can't carry a wallet. Mummies have no monetary value.

Well, if he's... Delicious, though. They are so delicious. You can eat a mummy. That's true. That was all the craze back in the day. Can you... With the royalty, can he state claims to certain parts of where he was from? Can mummies talk?

Like that, I imagine. Nah, that's just... I reckon he can talk, and now he's just choosing to not to communicate with me sounds like he has a sore throat i feel like dating a mummy is or dating the mummy is a bit like dating like somebody's granddad yes like they're slow they don't really know what you're talking about they die if you get them wet yeah yeah but like you know like dracula he's out of touch but you might be able to explain a game boy to him the mummy you're like hey so I'm just playing PS4,

and he'd be like, ah, and fill it with sand. You're like, ah, the mummy. I think we might have our first zero out of ten. I don't even think there's been a series. Con, he absorbs the moisture from the air everywhere he goes. He's just like... Can you get me a glass of water? And it takes so long to get that

glass of water. I think he's from dehydration. Imagine waking up after spending the night in the same bed as the mummy. You'd just be like Oh my god. Need water? Need it now. Need a shower. Is he also cursed? Yeah, you get the mummy's curse. And because the mummy can't

fucking shower, he's stinking. Oh no! The mummy's a 0 out of 10. What curse does he bring to the table? You just have bad luck. What a piece of shit. Mummy! Get the fuck out of here, mate! So now I'm cursed with him and I can't go back and rekindle stuff with Chad because he's fucked it.

Zero. Zero out of fucking 10. Are we spending just like a week with each? I think so. Is this a bit like a summer of fun for us? It's almost sort of just like The Bachelor. A summer of spooky fun. Jackson under the two dolls. The Bachelor Halloween special. Yeah, The Mummy is a hot zero out of ten.

Like, that's just gross and I don't want anything to do with it. There's just no positives. We couldn't even think of any dumb positives. i wouldn't run out of toilet paper oh you would you would have been jelly he has a finite amount of paper pro his organs are in jars is it actually was is there any pros at all there for dating the mummy for the money being your boyfriend no because he's embarrassing in front of your friends. Your friends are like, why are you with him? He's so old. Oh my god. Dracula was something. But you have a weird thing

with older men. And plus he's stinky. I can't think of a single bro. I'm a little concerned because 3 out of 10 is our highest so far. We've got 2 left and I have serious problems with both of them. Can I give a mummy a negative score?

I feel like I want to. Okay, go for it. Negative one. Negative ten. He's not a negative ten. He's a negative one. You could do it. No, he's a zero.

You can't throw a negative. Negative ten is like if he just stabbed you in the neck every day for the rest of your life. Not like continuously, just once a day and you didn't know when it was coming. And if the knife he was using was actually your severed penis, which he'd also have. That's a negative 10. That's probably even like a negative 4. A negative 10 is just like...

Total annihilation. Yeah. Endless torture. Not even more. Worse than endless torture. So I think he's a hot zero. He's a hot zero. All right zero Alright fine we'll go with a zero Frankenstein pro caring and loving

Tall Pro loves like baby animals and shit Pro he's strong as fuck Yeah con he'll kill those babies But pro he doesn't know he's doing it Pro intelligent Learns quickly Con prone to fits of existential

rage. Con. He's like 14 dudes. Pro. He's 14 dudes. Con. Daddy issues. Pro. We can probably mix and match. Con. The dudes? Yeah.

Con. Doesn't have a name. Pro. You could name him. Hey, Bumble Blast blast rocket lightning you're beautiful no he doesn't groan like that he talks he's quite eloquent cause he learns

he reads a fucking book something you should fucking do once in a while mate I've got a great book series you can read guys the wheel of time see I don't know why

you just keep making stuff up none of these things are, I don't know why you just keep making stuff up, Zammett. None of these things are real. Time isn't a wheel. It's a straight line. It's linear. It's linear, Zammett. Morning, noon, and night, mate.

You can't just... It's not a... You've misunderstood something. It's a wheel. Things happen... Okay. Pro snappy dresser. Pro bolts in his neck. Your pros are odd.

Pro bats. Pro neck bolts. You're a pro for a 10-year-old boy. Pro Tonka trucks. Frankenstein's monster would just be the best at Tonka trucks. He likes soft things, so he'd pat you. Yeah, but Con, he might pat you too hard. But Jackson, you're very soft.

Of mice and men situation? Yeah, like a little bit of like, uh-oh. I broke her neck, his neck, we're dudes. Con, he's got like people looking for him. And like beyond Wolfman status, he's got like dedicated people. Con killed a lady, got her brought back as his bride. Yeah. So we have competition, is what you're telling me?

I think she then dies again. Okay, so we don't have any competition. No, then she's brought back. She's out there. She's a jealous axe. That's a crime. Bride of Frankenstein, that's all. But, like, you know, pro, he's, like, he's beloved every town he goes into.

Fun Bride of Frankenstein fact. Bride of goes into. Fun Bride of Frankenstein fact. Bride of Frankenstein. Not Bride of Frankenstein's monster. Think about it. Oh, really? Yeah. Is she for Frankenstein to have love with? So I'm just going to throw this down here.

It's completely irrelevant. Yeah, all right. Yeah, but let's learn a little bit about Frankenstein's monster. Yeah. So Frankenstein is engaged, like Dr. Frankenstein is engaged. Like, Dr. Frankenstein is engaged. Yeah, to his cousin. To his cousin. I read it.

Yeah, she's pretty hot. I don't know. Good for him. Different times. It's a different era. Bygone era. Hey, as I've said countless times before, cousins is fine.

Jack to be belly. Okay with a little sauce. Cousins is okay. If you love each other, go nuts. Just don't tell cops. I think it's a crime to Cousins is okay. If you love each other, go nuts. Just don't tell cops. I think it's a crime to bang your cousin. Anyway. It's just a crime.

Not cousin banging. It's a crime. Elvis did a whole film about it. About how cousin banging's a crime? Yeah, so he's all right. J.R.R. Rock? Is that how he ended up in prison? Kissing cousins.

Kissing cousins. It's cousins is fine. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah, so Frankenstein Engaged Cousin Frankenstein's monster

Jealous Kills wife Yeah To get back at Frankenstein Then she gets brought back To life Because Frankenstein's monster Wanted like someone like him

And Frankenstein is just like No I'm not gonna make Another monster like you And he's just like Well I'm gonna give you no choice I'm gonna fucking kill your wife. So yeah, Bride of Frankenstein is actually the Bride of Dr. Frankenstein. So con

like awkward family shit. Yeah. Awkward ex-past generally. Con murderer. Yeah, but probably he didn't know and he's reformed. He did know at that point. Also pro like all the monsters are murderers. So if we're putting that as a con.

Yeah, but I feel like Frankenstein, no, because he's just like a vengeance kill. Like, he's, like, legit. He knows what he's doing. Well, I mean, con anger issues. Yeah. Con is in the Arctic, I think, at the moment, and that's cold.

Oh, yeah, sort of chasing Frankenstein forever. Chili. Pro, we're all hot boys. That's true. How nice. Cuddling his cold dead body getting up in his cold dead back con he might smell of formaldehyde and rotting flesh pro has no problem with taking a shower that's true there's no evidence of every single one we've had is he the first that's probably fine with a shower i'm fine with a shower. Could Drac have a shower? It's running water.

They can't cross one. Vampires cannot cross running water. That's a shower count. He's not crossing it. He's just standing underneath it. What if he had a large shower and he'd have to get in and then step back out? Yeah, he's in trouble. It'd be an awkward shower time is what I'm getting at.

It'd be like trying to get a toddler to have a bath. You are a child, Frankenstein. Hang on, wait. No, no, no. I don't want to get wet. I want to play with my Tonka trucks. I'm going to turn into a bear. Fuck you.

That's why we broke up. Yeah, Frankenstein. Also, Frankenstein's monster will also probably wear whatever. He'll dress appropriately. Although finding suits for him will be a hassle because he is like 8 foot high. Oh, he's not. He's the size of a normal man.

No, he's still big. He's not 8 feet, but he's like 7 feet. It's still going to be hard. It's going to be doable. It's doable. It just seems like a hassle. We live in an era where there is some large gents. That's true. Big and tall. With Frankenstein's monster.

Colin, pro, pro. Large hunk of a man. Yeah, Babin. Like, he's the most attractive one we've had. Yes. I think the most attractive one we're going to have as well. Well, well. We'll wait for that.

Let's go. Also, again, any sort of electricity sort of dangers, he's fine with. Yeah, he can just, like, if... Taste it like a champ. He does. Probably a good electrician around the house. Handy man. Handy man.

Yeah, well, he can learn real quick, so, yeah, very sweet. Frankenstein. Like a seven? Yeah, let's go with, like, an eight, because we kind of need someone to be up there, guys. Sam, you can't fudge the statistics. I don't trust your rating system. I'm going to keep rating everyone for all of us.

7.5. Yeah, I think 7.5 is solid. All of them have been.5, so here we are. Except for the mummy, who was a solid 0. 0.5? For a neat pyramid. As a pyramid, that's pretty sweet. There you go.

Your house is kind of rad. No, but because I'm sure he can see in the dark. And imagine trying to eat dinner in the dark. Like, it sure is cold. And all your food will be very, very dehydrated. Can I sell that pyramid? No. It's his house, Salmon.

It's your boyfriend. If you've got a boyfriend, are you just like, hey. No, but can I sell your house? Salmon, have you dated anyone before? You can't just sell the other person's shit. We've been dating for like three years now. Dating someone for three years and you're going to sell their house? I'm not selling it.

You can bring it up. I would bring it up and say, look, this isn't exactly suitable for me. How about we sell the pyramid and we move somewhere nice. This is my ancestral tomb. Also forcing compromise. You're a ancestral tomb. Also, forcing compromise. You're a shitty boyfriend. Forcing a compromise. Forcing a compromise.

Be better for me. Me, me, me. Zamit. Selfish lover. You're happy to live in that pyramid for three years? I'm not dating the mummy. I have better taste than you fucking guys. I didn't stay with him for three years.

Zamit, you've made your fucking bed, mate. You stayed with a so-called negative 10. No wonder why you're giving him a negative 10. You dated him for three years. So, yeah, I mean, I think Frankenstein's 7.5 is... 7.5, Frankenstein. He's pretty solid. Like, he's all right.

I'm sad none of them have been perfect 10s. Well, I think the next one... It will also not be a perfect 10. We'll struggle to clear five. 10.5. Incorrect. Creature from the black lagoon hey welcome to the table buddy pro undiscovered species con slimy pro you go swimming on the in the beach with them con wet all the time get damp, to be honest. Pro, we're all hot sleepers. He'd be kind of cold. Con is a very stinky man.

Con lives in the Amazon, and we're hot sleepers, and it's so humid there. Oh my god. Humidity's almost worse than dry heat. Do we have to live with them? Because again, the same problem with the mummy here. Do we have to live with... We've lived with all of the other ones. Except Frankenstein's monster,

but he doesn't really have a house. And Wolfman lives just in the village. And a shack. Yeah. No, Wolfman, I'm thinking back. God, I hated Wolfman. Well, he got a 2.5, so that's not too bad. Well, if we can invite him...

We've got a 0.5, we've got a 2.5, we've got a... 3.5. 3.5. And a 7.5. Go Frankenstein's monster. So what if we can invite the Gilman back to our joint and have, like, you know, movie night back at mine? Con, he doesn't know society.

Con, his name is literally his location. He's not going to want to leave. He's going to be, like, 52nd Appleby Street. The Con of Joel's... The Con. The creature of Joel Zammett's house. Just, you know, occasionally, like, you know, you don't always spend all your time at one person's house.

Yeah, I suppose, I suppose, but Conley's gonna get your house wet. He is gonna get it. Oh, man, I have a suede couch. He's gonna ruin that. He's gonna ruin everything. Oh, that piece of shit. He's gonna warp the floorboards. Uh-huh.

Oh, motherfucker. You looked at me like I am, like, a floorboard aficionado. Like, I was just like, oh. The floorboards. You know about the floorboards. Oh, fuck, guys. Why did I? I love floorboards. You know about the floorboards. Oh, fuck, guys. Why did I? I love floorboards.

That's all I talk about. My bed is going to fuck. Oh, like it's just going to be gross and soggy. Fro brings his own lube. Yeah. It'll slide right in. Does he even have the same anatomy that we want to use? Con just is an animal.

Con probably has a weird dick, Con just is an animal. Con probably has a weird dick. Con was never a man. Oh yeah, ever at one point. Like, we're, you know, we're introducing the Cretan Black Lagoon to our gals, and they're like, what are you doing?

Not a man. It's sort of like rocking up to a party, my boyfriend's like, that's a horse. What's his name? Creech and the Black Goon. No, what's his actual fucking name? I think he is a Gil man. So is his name Gil man?

No, no, no, no. Gil? Would you just call him Gil? Would you call me Hugh? Because I'm a Hugh man. Stacey, you are a bitch. Gil man, just like, picturing him in the corner,

just smacking some popcorn with his claws being like oh wait he's got webbing he can't pick up shit picking up a pie and dropping it on the floor and turning to you like oh no gil man he can't speak

he's more gil than man we could be fucked oh no we've already got a zero and now we've got like a worst at least like with the mummy He's more Gil than man. We could be fucked. He could be... Oh, no. I know. We've already got a zero, and now we've got, like, a worse... At least, like, with the mummy... Is he as bad as a mummy? No, because the mummy brings, like, at least Gilman...

Mummy curses us. Yeah, the mummy makes us... The mummy... Look, we can break up with the Gilman, no hassle. We break up with the mummy, we're probably still gonna be cursed. Bad luck for days. For days. Bad luck for days, bro.

Yeah, no, I think a Gil man's probably a hot 1.5. But surely there's another pro. There's a pro for all gilly gill gills. Apart from can probably slip into a bottle. Yeah. I figured he might have a cloaca. He probably would have a cloaca and you'd just be presented with it and be like, I have no idea what's going on here.

Or he'd just try and fertilize my bunch of eggs? What if he's just like one of those fish things that just vomit off eggs? And he's like, do I have to jerk off? Is that your babies? There's a ton lack of communication. I think we might have rated

Dracula a bit too low. We chucked Dracula in the shit of it. Seeing what we've got. Okay, look. We'll rate Creature of the Black Lagoon, then I think we'll go back to Drax. I think he got kind of the shit end of the stick. He got a bum deal.

It's sort of like when you have a pretty good... We didn't know how good we got it. Yeah, yeah. Look, let's be honest. He's still not a great boyfriend. So it's like when you've got somebody like, man, this guy's a piece of fucking shit. And then you date some pieces of shit and you're like, oh, he was okay. He was just kind of boring, I guess.

He was alright, like comparatively, like Creature from the Black Lagoon was not human. Like Dracula can't be worse than that. So Creature from the Black Lagoon won? 0.5? 1.5? So to Dracula? 5.5? 1.5? So, to Dracula? 5.5? I think 5.5. Because Dracula... I'm up to maybe a 6.5.

Because you can still communicate with him. Nah, but he's kind of nice. Is he intelligent? Because he's cultured. Yeah, he's intelligent. You'd have a lovely conversation. Well, he's intelligent as long as you don't want to talk about anything that happened after the 17th century. Yeah, does he keep... I don't think he kept up with the times. No. If I was a historian, though, I'd be kind of keen and interested.

No, but only a specific type of historian. I think... I'd want to talk about a war at some point. The mummy is, like, dating someone's granddad and Dracula's kind of, like,

dating someone's dad. You're like, he's an older guy and, yeah, he's handsome, he's cultured, but, like, there's still, like, such an age gap that I...

Hey, I tweeted about our date. What? What is a tweet? What is a tweet? Like a bird. Where's the bird? Did you tell... I will find the bird.

Yeah. Did I tell you that time that one summer I ate nothing but birds? Because I was trapped in a... You're like, oh, here. Okay. I'm just gonna...

5.5. I'm confident with that answer. I don't want to date him. I don't want to date any of these people. Can we introduce the Black Lagoon to the mummy?

No! No, because like... With the dampness or the dryness they just meld together and it'd be beautiful i think i'd be like hey look from the black lagoon we ended on bad terms but i know this guy he's really lovely he's a bit older but he's a nice guy and i'd be like i'm just gonna leave you two alone And then I'd go over to the clear winner, which is Frankenstein. Oh, welcome back.

Oh, I see what you did. You're a sweetie. And then he'd give me a kiss on the cheek with his cold, dead lips. I'd be like, do you want a drink of punch? It'd just come out of all of his stitches, and I'd be like, you were the best of a bad situation. And then Dracula's there all by himself.

Can we set Dracula up with a wolfman? No, no, no. They will kill each other in a fight and then have rough sex on the Lord. It will be bloody and gross. Oh my god, oh my god. So I think one thing that we've probably all learned today is

don't date a Hammer movie monster. I don't know, Frankenstein wasn't too bad. Okay. Date Frankenstein movie monster. Well, I don't know. Frankenstein wasn't too bad. Yeah. Okay. Date Frankenstein's monster. Fuck it. Wake up with your boyfriend. Get out there. Move on over to Frankenstein.

He'll look after you. I'll go back to Chad. Like, hey, that's a question. To be honest, I might go back to Chad. What was wrong with Chad that we decided that the only way we could move on from him? Honestly, I think what was wrong with Chad was me. I think that was on me. I we could move on from him. Honestly, I think what was wrong with Chad was me. I think that was on me. I felt

I outgrew him, and I felt like I just wanted to go out there and have a bit of a wild experimental time, and I saw the error in my ways. And it was good, and you wouldn't change a thing, but... Look, I had some great times with some of those people.

It's so funny to imagine them all at the airport holding hands. with some of those people. Ah! But now I just miss... It's so funny to imagine them all at the airport holding hands. And Gilman's just, ah! And you're like, I think I'll miss you most of all, Gilman. So I had some, like, cherished moments. But I think I've learned wanting to go... I'm going to go back to Chad and... Who has moved on.

And is now dating Bitch Stacey. Your ex-best friend. Bitch Stacey. Your ex-best friend. Bitch Stacey. You son of a bitch. I thought we were friends. Hey, man. It just happens. I guess. That's life. All's fair in love and war, right?

Well, good luck to you, Stacey and Chad. Good luck to you. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've been Joel Yes Beautiful Mummy no If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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