Plumbing the Death Star - What If Aunt May Instead of Her Nephew Peter Had Been Bitten By the Radioactive Spider?

Episode Date: January 21, 2024

Jackson's got the covid and Zammit's getting nose and tongue surgery so we're taking a break! To read about that in full detail you can check out the news section of our website! So instead of a brand new episode, enjoy a stellar episode of What If...? that first aired in May 2023 exclusively for Bad Brain Boys+ subscribers! In 1977 Marvel attempted to answer the important questions with their What If…? line of comics. They Failed. Now in the year of 2023 the Plumbing Boys have picked up the slack and dared to ask once again: What if?Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing. G'day, just a bit of an update here.

To read all the juicy details, just head to the news section of our website. But long story short, Jackson's COVID is taking it out of him more than we expected and I'm prepping for nose and tongue surgery at the start of Feb. Turns out they are both terrible and need fixing. So plumbing

is taking this and next week off. That said, enjoy a what if this week in let's call it the latest episode of Jackson Bailey Spooks America, where I hijack the show to talk about a horse I love. Both shows are available to subscribers of Bad Brain Boys Plus through our website or through Apple Podcasts. So if you want some bonus content while you help support us, just head on over to sanspantsradio.com and slam that sign up button. And for as little as a decently priced coffee per month, I think, you can worsen your thoughts. Either way, I will see you in Feb.

In 1977, Marvel attempted to answer the important questions with their What If line of comics. They failed. Now, in the year of 2023, the Plumbing Boys have picked up the slack and dare to ask once again, What If? Hey, what if Aunt May, instead of her nephew Peter, had been bitten by the radioactive spider? I truly believe in my heart of hearts. If that spider bit old Aunt May, she would have dropped dead on the fucking spot.

A little teenage boy can cop a spider bite. That old lady, that old bag. I don't know, because it would feel like the spider fangs would go through her skin like paper and jump out the other side. The spider would go through her skin into her veins and guts. You touched an old lady recently? It's like touching a wet bag full of chicken. Chicken bones. Like a wet bag full of dry bones. Yeah. Like a wet bag full of dry bones.

Well, assuming that it doesn't just go straight through her, like the fangs would pierce and then just drip out the other, like the venom is just dripping out the other end of her arm. Yeah. Assuming that she actually sits just fully loaded with some spider venom. Wait, hang on. Is the context like Peter's like, oh, man, I'm going to Oscorp, and she's like, I'm coming. Yeah, well, it's usually a school excursion, right, to Oscorp.

Or at least to a place where a spider gets zapped by a radioactive gun. Shoot that spider. It's like a radioactive cannon? I feel like we looked it up at some point, and it was like it just fell into like a radioactive juice beam

yeah like a like a kind of Large Hadron Collider situation anyway so assuming and the spider's so radioactive that it pretty much

bites Peter then dies right I think so yeah that spider we don't talk about this enough was sick oh

very much it bites Peter dies and then Peter's bully then picks up that spider and eats it. And he just becomes a bunch of spiders. That's awesome. Hey, Peter Parker, you love the spiders so much?

Oh, no, I'm sick. Oh, wait, I'm sick. Hundreds of spiders. Wait, so is that the origin of Spidersman? No, no, no. no spiders man is a alternate reality spider-man things went really wrong isn't spiders man

spiders that think they're a man I think so maybe I don't think spiders man is Peter Parker I think it's the spider who thinks it's Peter Parker which is pretty cool I think spiders man has only popped up in um like a lot of spider verse something yeah yeah yeah well there's because yeah because it's flash thompson is that no no no it's a new it was a new character

that was introduced well it was new when he was introduced but like you know they retroactively we all knew when we're introduced good point what do you mean by that you're? You're at a party, you meet someone new, they're new to you. They've always existed. But they're new to you. Fair enough. Okay, yeah, sure. Okay, no, so it was the same series that we had like Flowers for Rhino, where they made like Rhino intelligent and made him like Algonon.

And he was sad about it. And then he's like, I'm intelligent. I've got a math equation to figure out your name, Peter. He's like, oh, shit. And he's like, I'm intelligent. I've got a math equation to figure out your name, Peter. He's like, oh, shit. And he's like, anyway, I hate my life. I wish I was stupid. I wish I was stupid. It's a comic book series where an orangutan hangs itself.

Excuse me, Joel Zermatt. I've surely told you about this. Joel Zermatt, sorry. Excuse me for a moment while I just quickly. Oh, no. What's the run of this comic book? Flowers for Rhino. Because the orangutan becomes so intelligent, it hangs itself.

Yeah, so they do, like, the flowers for Algonon, and they give it to the orangutan first, and the orangutan becomes very smart, and then they give it to Rhino, who is as stupid as fuck. Yeah. So the orangutan is kind of always a few steps ahead of Rhino, and then one day the orangutan hangs itself. Is it because... And Rhino's like...

Collected editions. Okay, Spider-Man's Tangled Web Volume 1. Yeah, Tangled Web. So does the orangutan hang itself because it's like, I'm too smart that I understand the situation? I'm too smart, I understand the situation, and I'm kind of like, I'm too smart that I understand the situation? I'm too smart. I understand the situation. And I'm kind of like, I'm bored. There's nothing for me to do.

I figured it out. I figured it out. I figured it out. Time to hang myself. Life is sort of meaningless, maybe. Everyone knows the value of this comic book to me. So therefore, it is very expensive. How much is it?

Gareth Ennis wrote it. Yeah. Gareth. But all right Well Gareth Ennis wrote it Yeah Gareth But alright That's weirdly the second time I've made that mistake in the last 24 hours I called it Gareth Garth And now I've done it backwards Garth Ennis

Yeah Gareth the guy that I was referring to in my personal life Tell you what Gareth is a better name than Garth Yeah Yeah Garth So Hard. Yeah, Garth. So, hardcover version of it, which I'm not interested in. It was

180 Australian dollars. Damn! What are the original floppies worth? I think I got them somewhere. Ring-a-ding-ding! I'm rich! I'm rich on that clothes money! Paperback is 73 bucks. Damn! But that's from Ultimate Treasures, so a secondhand store.

Interesting. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. Uh, anyway, that same series, so Garth Ennis was like, I'm going to take a bunch of run at Spider-Man villains, maybe. I don't know what the point of that series was. And one of them was like, yeah, it was just a bully that like Peter remembered and he's sort of like, oh, fuck, I remember this piece of shit. But yeah, so he ate the spider.

But I think it was like he saw Peter get bitten, and then there was, like, Spider-Man in the news, so he figured it out that it was Peter Parker, and there was a spider bite. So then he maybe broke back into Oscorp to then find the spider to eat. Wow, that guy's awesome. And then he's like, I'm going to get spider powers. And he kind of did, but then it was just like a bunch of spiders

growing in him. And so he became like a lot of spiders that he would then go kill people and wear them like uh skin suits oh okay and that's and that was what he would do wow and i think it was like so long as one of those spiders was alive he was alive and i'm fairly certain they all get killed so was So was his thinking like, was the spider dead when he got to Oscorp? Yeah! Okay, so he's like, well it can't bite me. Yeah, I want it to bite me so I can't do it as I was

eating it. I think my first thought would be to just like try and drag it across my skin before eating it. Well like cut yourself squish the spider and then like rub it into your wound. I probably wouldn't go eating the spider. Especially rub it into your wound. I probably wouldn't go eating the spider. Especially because you've seen how beating it is about.

He got it from being bit. Not from consuming the spider. Also, it's dead. I'd just be like, well... Yeah, I guess it's not for me. Or I'd be like... I would try and bite myself with... Bite yourself? Bite myself with the spider.

Because I'm like, well... There's like a rattlesnake fang or whatever was in someone's boot. They put it on. Like, oh, now I'm dead from a rattlesnake bite that the rattlesnake bit years ago. Yeah, yeah. So I'd be like, I guess there's maybe some venom juice in that spider. And yeah, trying to... Yeah, absolutely.

Or at least figure out how it happened in the first place. See if Oscorp's got any other spiders hanging around. Do you reckon that would have happened to Aunt May? Do you reckon she would have turned into spiders? Yeah, I forgot what we were

talking about, didn't we? Yeah, me too. Yeah, I thought we were talking about Spider-Man's sweet bully that hated Peter so much that he had to eat spiders to get back at him. And then died.

So that happens in Tangled Web as well? Yeah. I gotta track down this book. You're gonna in Tangled Web as well? Yeah. I gotta track down this book. You're gonna get Tangled Web, dude. It sounds awesome. It sounds like... You're telling me there's a Spider-Man comic book out there when orangutan fucking hangs itself and I don't have it? I got fucking dog shit

Spider-Man books where Spider-Man lives his life story or whatever. That orangutan dude is dumb as fuck because... But it's actually clever. No, but like, he's like, I'm so clever, there's nothing left for me to do.

Get out of there, dude. Go put on a suit and tie. Get a load out of the bank. You could be doing fucking heaps of shit. Yeah. He gave up too early, I reckon, that orangutan.

I think there's, yeah, 22 issues. I'm trying to, like, remember, because each one was like, each arc was like about different Spider-Man villains. I thought it was a really cool idea of what they did

and I kind of wish they kept that. I did read Flowers for Rhino but I don't think I read any of the other ones. The Coming of the Thousand, that was the one where it's just like I ate a spider, now I'm many spiders. Yeah, classic. There's one I think it was about like maybe Kingpin's goons. Oh yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of cool. Worth checkingons. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of cool. Worth checking out. Well, when you get it, let us know, Jay. Yeah. And I'll read it and I'll be happy. Yeah. That's great.

Well, okay. So anyway. So yes. Aunt May gets bit. Aunt May, bit by a spider. I guess she goes instead of Peter. Well, I guess. She's like, oh, well, I'm chaperoning.

Yeah. Because it's like a high school class that goes. So she chaperones the kids. The spider's about to bite Peter. She's like, no, my boy! Either she deliberately pushes Peter out of the way or just inadvertently, just like, hurry up, Peter, you're holding down the rest of the line. Ah! Oh no, I've been bit by a spider.

Now, when Peter Parker gets bit by the spider, he gets hunk mode. His eyes get good again. So like a bunch of his ailments are fixed by the spider. He gets hunk mode. His eyes get good again. So, like, a bunch of his ailments are fixed by the spider bite. Yep. Would, if you're old, your body is becoming the crappiest.

Yes. Would Aunt May, how fixed does she get? Yeah, I was kind of thinking like, yeah, how fixed does she get? Because it's, okay, so Peter is like, my eyes, I need glasses, but now they're actually, they've just started repairing. They're basically regenerated.

It's kind of, it's almost like another regeneration kind of thing. Yeah. In a similar sort of way to the lizard. So his eyes have, you know, gotten better. Yeah. But they're not regenerating because he's, did he always have shit eyes, I guess? Yeah. And I guess he got jacked, but he was never always jacked.

He's just gotten better. Right? He just gets, he just like fixes. Because he gets swole. What? Where does that come from? When Spider-Man gets muscly, spiders aren't muscly. No, but spiders don't, you can't, I've never seen a fat spider. No.

Well, a spider. Can a spider overeat? The spiders, spiders work on hydraulics. Do spiders have muscles? Do spiders have body fat? I don't think spiders got muscles. Or if they do got muscles, they're not good. No, because you can eat a spider.

And what you're eating would be the muscle, right? No, well, if you're eating a spider, you're eating the whole thing. You just nubbed the whole thing in your mouth, dude, with some fucking hot sauce. Cowabunga. Yummy, yumma. Yumma, yumma. Yumma, yumma. I'm going to quickly Google spider anatomy.

Oh, I got tricked by Amazon. Yeah. A hardcover version of the book that's available is actually the omnibus, collecting all of the Tanglewebs. $170 doesn't seem too bad anymore. Yeah, that's alright. It's still not within my price range, but at least now I know I'd be getting 22 issues and not 6.

Yeah, fair enough. Spiders have muscles to flex their spindly limbs inwards, and they use hydraulic pressure to extend them outwards. Okay, so they got muscles. Okay, well outwards. Okay, so they got muscles. Okay, okay. Well, fair enough. Of course they got muscles. I thought that was a silly little joke.

Well, because they work on hydraulics, but it's only hydraulics Are they like full of like a sack full of goo? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, what did you think the hydraulic-y stuff was? What do you mean? Well, because they work on hydraulics, but wouldn't the hydraulics be made out of muscle because it's natural hydraulics? I don't know.

Because hydraulics, when I think about it, is a machine, and spiders aren't made of metal. But they do work with hydraulics, though. Yeah, but wouldn't the stuff... It might be like tendons and stuff, but I don't know if it would... Yeah, and tendons are muscle. Yeah, well, I said they probably do have muscles, but they're shit. That was where I ended up. I was like, they probably got some, but they're shit. That was where I ended up. I was like, they probably got some, but they're not muscles like a juicy fucking chicken leg or whatever.

He's not wrong. Juicy fucking chicken legs are all muscle. Yeah, exactly. Drumstick. Yeah. So I don't know. I was just curious as to why Peter Parker got jacked Because insects apparently Insects can build fat reserves

But they can never look overweight Because their exoskeleton is hard and protective So they just get puffed up And they're just like pushing against it I do feel like I read once about someone who had a pet tarantula That they overfed and it split Or something Because it couldn't expand its exoskeleton.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, something like that. Okay, Peter Parker. So if Aunt May got muscles, how much of the aging process does it reverse? She also, I mean, she's old. That's what we're talking about. No, no, no, I know, but because she's old, and that horrible story you just told about overfeeding a tarantula,

Like, because she's old. Yeah. And that horrible story you just told about overfeeding a tarantula. Yeah. If you put, if you instantly make an old lady ripped, she's probably going to burst out of her skin. Yeah, but the skin is also becoming strong. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

She'd probably just, like, is she going to de-wrinkle? Yeah. Does she puff up? She'd be smoother. Would she? Or would the wrinkles just get, like, stronger and therefore stay that way? Well, because imagining, because the muscles would be, she'd be jacked, right? Yeah. So she's getting muscle.

Yeah, because, like, the wrinkles, because your skin loses elasticity. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, making your skin stronger like a spider doesn't necessarily mean it's going to make it more elastic. Well, but then the muscles, though, are becoming bigger, so there's more to give. Yeah. Yeah, but.

So she'd feel out a bit. She'd still be a bit wrinkly. Yeah, maybe not. Because also it depends on the regenerative abilities and powers of the spider-man. But is it regenerative? Well, his eyesight gets fucking sweet. Yeah, that is true. So it heals. And there

is an arc where Peter Parker becomes a spider and then he hatches from the spider and becomes Guy again. And or hatches from the spider and become Guy again and he grows back his appendix and tonsils I think. So for some reason in the Marvel Universe spiders do have regenerative powers.

Like a lizard. Or a wolverine. So Aunt May is going to come back after getting bit by that spider and all of her ailments fixed. Here's a question. Does Spider-Man age? Yeah, Spider-Man ages.

What are you talking about? We see it a lot. Yeah, but at a faster rate? No, it seems to be at a regular rate. Spider-Man Rainey's old. But he doesn't look that old. He doesn't look that old. He doesn't look like an old man.

Yeah, but how old is he? This is one of those episodes which raises so many questions. Wow, Spider-Man rain, also expensive. Which is funny because that's only four issues. Apparently he does age slower than a normal human. Okay.

He has a healing factor that doesn't make him immortal. Yeah. Okay. So he ages. So he does. He just gradually. Yeah, okay. Okay.

I don't think you should have killed that lady with his cum. That's just me. I know that might be controversial, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was in retrospect. You know, he regretted it. Yeah. Did he?

Back shots. That's what he should have done. And then MJ would have gotten back cancer. Yeah, that's true. There's really no meaning. So that would make May very radioactive, I guess. Yes, yes, yeah. He's really old in Rain.

But how old? He's like a horrible old man. Show me. Oh, yeah, he is old. He's decrepit in this. Interesting. He's like full on old man. Show me. Oh, yeah, he is old. He's decrepit in this. Interesting. He's like full-on old. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, Aunt May. Well, I guess my question, I guess, was I was like, will she say stop going gray? Because the 70s, Aunt May, old as shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the Aunt May here. We're talking like she's 77. This is not Marissa Tomei.

She is the same age the year it came out. You know what I mean? It's like this is, she old. She old. But she's got spider juice coursing through her veins. She doesn't feel old. No, no, no. But well, I'm just, so when the spider bites Peter.

Yeah. Does Peter, does he become younger or is he like, okay, you're not going to age, you're going to age slower from now? Yeah, yeah. So it's like, yeah, right. So when she gets bitten, so she won gets bitten, she won't de-age. Yeah. But she...

I see what you mean. Because I don't know if a 77-year-old woman should be that jacked. I don't know if it's healthy. I don't know if that's a controversial thing to say or not, but old ladies, it's okay to be old. Yeah, I just don't feel that she should be instantly jacked. Well, that's what's going full circle back to the tarantula splitting opening story. Yeah. I may explode.

Yeah, well, yeah, and also is Peter- Also, if things don't all heal at the same time, she will die instantly. Yeah. Because if she goes to that jack, like, so say the spider bite affects her muscles first, heart attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Surely it's in-out, right? Like, internal out, right?

I don't know. No, it would go from spider bite out, right? Surely? Well, it's in your blood, so it's pumping. The blood is here. Well, yeah, it's pumping through your body, right? So it would go in-out. So it would go heart first.

Heart first. Yeah, that's good news for her. Good. Heal the it would go in and out. So it would go heart first. Heart first. Yeah, that's good news for her. Heal the heart off. Brain good. Brain good. Thinking quicker for the first time. Get that spice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then going out to the rest of your body. Does she become the pinnacle of a 75-year-old woman? Like, does she become the best a 75-year-old woman could become? Well, I don't think she de-ages. I think that she, because her, you know what I mean? Like,

is Peter Parker an ideal version of his, like the, you know what I mean? Like, strong for his age, is Mary, is Mary Jane,

is Aunt May going to become strong for her age or is she going to become strong like her? She's going to become strong like Peter Parker as he,

because it's not just, he wasn't bitten by a radioactive band to become like, he's not Captain America or it's like a Parker as he, because it's not just he wasn't bitten by a radioactive band to become like, he's not Captain America where it's like a pinnacle, this is the best we can do. He's the pinnacle of what if a spider and a man was the guy. Because he's apparently as powerful as a spider which means he can lift so many times.

Fights like a spider bites. Like a bit of my balls. You're making a reference to really old Plum in the Death Star yeah awesome remember yeah I remember

that thing yeah man I remember that episode of Plum in the Death Star I'm sick I got bit by a spider that's killing me bite like a spider

bite like a spider I got bit on the balls I remember man yeah I'm glad you remember I'm glad you remember but I remember it was funny and nice glad you remember. I'm glad you remember. It was funny and nice, wasn't it?

It was. I'm getting really tired. My son's getting real low. I'm about to get another beautiful I'm about to get another beautiful angel. Your last synapses are fired up. I'm like a spider. I'm so tired.

I think I'm going to go to sleep. Good night, Yeldisha. Good night. The last memories are plumbing the dust that we did in 2019 or something. I think she would look like how she is but she would have the powers to lift a lot of things like she would have the powers of

well I'm guessing like I honestly don't think that physically like as in her she gets bitten by the spider it's not going to physically de-age her straight away but it will do things that will probably be physically noticeable not necessarily necessarily muscle-wise, but probably straighten up

her spine because she won't have the old lady hunch. Yeah. Hips work. Hips work. Eyes work. Probably her eyes were getting worse. Shoot out those cataracts. Yeah. No longer deaf. Yeah. Deaf. Hearing's good again.

Peter, are you jacking off? I can hear you. That's exactly what I was thinking. First thing she hears when she wakes up is Peter masturbating. Peter! Her voice is going Danny DeVito mode for some reason. Peter! Oh, that was Griffin mode.

Peter! Because also, she can scuttle like a spider as well, crawl up those walls and ceilings. She doesn't get webbing, though. Oh, really? Well, it's an invention, right? It was an invention, yeah. Yeah. It is funny, she doesn't have any of Spider-Man's gadgets, but that is the only gadget Spider-Man

uses, so actually, that's fine. She might use a gun. Okay. Well, in the Spider-Man movies that Sam Raimi was, oh no, Peter Parker thinks it's good to kill that mugger. I'll bet he's actually like, what the fuck? I guess Ben lives. Ben lives!

Ben lives. Because Peter's not wrestling. Yeah. What would Aunt May do with her newfound strength? Maybe kill Ben but accidentally. Is this Aunt May that was like, because it depends on the timeline, because if she was a former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent or whatever.

Oh, yeah. No, no. She never was. That was her sister, maybe. It's Ultimate. Yeah, yeah. Mary and Richard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was Ultimate. I think it was 616, but it was Peter's parents. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's just an old broad. Yeah. So what if- She mightn't do anything with it.

She might just be like, huh. Brand new lease on life. I got my second wind. Funny for Ben because she's like, Ben, we got to go do stuff. And he's like, I'm also 70 but not strong again. Yeah. Ben, we got to go on holiday again. We got to start running, you know?

Yeah. What would she want to do? I guess look after Peter and Ben and stuff. Look after Peter and Ben. She'd go to the news. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Be like, granny can bench press.

A car. A car, yeah. I didn't know it had that. I had it in me. I can just imagine her going to a car and affair type thing. You're telling me if a granny now walked up to the news and was like, I can bench press a car, pick any car, then- You think that's going to be front page of the Herald Sun? Yeah.

There might be human interest at the back. No. Because that changes everything we know about being alive. Yeah. I just don't think she'd keep it quiet. A guy walks down the street and just picked up a car. You don't think she'd keep it quiet If a guy walked down the street And just picked up a car You don't think that would be front page

Bodybuilders pick up cars all the time Yeah a bodybuilder Not a 77 year old grandma Also they don't pick up the car Just lift it above their head Like it's nothing And then crawl on the walls Well the wall crawling maybe

I honestly think the wall crawling, maybe. I always think the wall crawling's less impressive. What? What? That's defying physics. That's an old lady scuttling up a skyscraper. People can get strong enough. No, no, no. Skyscraper.

It's just like the side of a regular building, like a one-story building. And she kept going. I'm like, that's probably it. She's defying physics. And then she jumped like a fucking spider. Just climbing a wall on a once. Like, if Jackson got up now and stuck to the wall of the studio.

You would be like Jornsville. No, I wouldn't be. You shut up. You're saying that, oh, an old lady picked up a car. Who cares? I'm saying both are impressive. So you're telling me Jackson just put his whole palm, like, not grabbing the wall. Palm.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying if Jackson stuck to the wall, like full on was on the wall, because I'd be like, it's a trick. He's figured it out. Oh, he figured it out. No, I would assume trick. But then if it's like climbing up like a, yeah, if you're on the roof. What if he like put his hand

on you, like your chest, and lifted you up? No, okay, that's impressive again. What if I just crawled around the walls of this room? Impressive, it's only if you're just like on one wall. Like you're a fly stuck to a paper. Yeah, basically, yeah. Because then I'm like, oh, that's a trick. I guess. I'm like, it's a magician's trick.

Maybe. You don't think lifting a car could be a magician's trick? Not an old lady lifting a car above her head. If I saw an old lady lift a car above her head, I would think magician's trick more than if I saw an old lady on a wall. Yeah, to be honest, maybe both of them would be like, nah, magic. Okay, well, it was a sleight of hand. Sleight of hand, and then she's picking up and throwing cars.

Yeah, this is Johnny Knoxville in a fucking old man's old suit. Johnny Knoxville would never do magic. This is a Johnny Knoxville-like person who would wear... This is David Copperfield when he was younger wearing an old man's suit. I'm getting mind freaked right now. Yeah, this is Criss younger wearing an old man's suit. I'm getting mind freaked right now. Yeah, this is Criss Angel in an old man suit. Yeah, that's fair enough. I think that if they pick up the car in a certain way, I'm like

this isn't a trick. What's the way? If the car gets very visibly damaged. What, when they pick it up? Yeah. Oh yeah. Cause if it's a trick they're gonna be careful with the car cause they don't wanna go to jail. But if you just pick it up a car you don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if it's a trick, they're going to be careful with the car because they don't want to go to jail. But if you're just picking up a car, you don't care.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are the cops going to do? You pick up their car, too. Oh, you're imagining it's a random car on the street. Yes. Oh, okay. What are you like, hey, I'm going to try and, okay. It's not a stunt car because then it's a trick. Yeah, if I get my car and I try and run you over and you jump over it.

Yeah. The rest? Yeah. Okay. It's good to find a parameter. No, because. What if we ran into her? What if you saw her being like,

I'm going to get someone to drive at me. Yeah. And then I'll jump out the way. Trick. So you got to do it. Yeah. There's got to be a situation where I can truly believe

that it's a variable that they have not planned, could not have planned for. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah. Hard to. I would slow down as I'm driving onto Aunt May.

So if she really is jumping over my car, she's landing on the roof. That's a funny thing to do, actually. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Yeah. Can a guy jump over a car? Like, can you physically train yourself to do cars? Depends how fast the car's going. Fast.

Are you talking from a standing position? If a person could jump over a car. I don't think so. I'm sure they can. The standing jump, I guess the car would have to be going pretty quickly. Yeah, people can jump quite high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the time is going to be dry.

It's going to be... Otherwise, the consequence here is you get hit by a car. Going fast. It's where the spider sets come from. I have seen actually people try this and basically get hit by a car going fast it's where the spider sense comes in I have seen actually people try this and basically get hit

by the car they get high up enough that their legs get clipped by the and then they flip a man on their head and you're cheering yeah

he did the trick he's not getting up though call an ambulance and I'm like have a good day so I guess if Aunt May's getting bit I just don't think she's keeping it secret.

No, yeah. I think maybe she's going to a doctor. Because it just feels like at 77, she has a lot of trust with authority that maybe someone who is younger doesn't. And she doesn't have that awkward thing that Peter has of like, oh, no, my body's going through changes. She'd be like, something's wrong. Something's real bad. I've probably got like a brain tumor or something. through changes she'd be like

something's wrong something's real bad I've probably got like a brain tumor or something yeah yeah or it's be like hey Ben

I think that I'm ripped and I can hang from the ceiling am I? yeah yeah please there's something going wrong with my brain

if she's married we'd change it anyway like anyone even if you're in like you're in your 30s in this episode if you're married you tell them

if I was Ben I think I'd be freaking out that this is like shoot her with a gun yeah fair enough I need to put down my wife it's that out that this is like- Shoot her with a gun, yeah, fair enough. No, it's like- I need to put down my wife. It's that kind of thing of like, you know you hear about like, oh, it's people with clarity and then they die?

Yeah, absolutely. Like if they've got Alzheimer's and stuff like that, they have this moment of clarity, they say goodbye to all their loved ones and then they're dead. I'd be like, oh shit! Yeah, absolutely. Oh, okay, we gotta do something. Go to the hospital quickly. You're like, I've heard about this. This is true.

They get physically able again and then Almay climbs the wall and you're like, haven't heard about this. Haven't heard about that one! then Aume climbs the wall, and you're like, haven't heard about that. Haven't heard about that one. She's remembered a bit from a Plummeting the Death Star episode five years ago. She's about to say goodbye. Han, you've been doing magic without me? Is this from when you do Pilates? Yeah.

Huh? That's a good reaction to see her on the wall. You doing close-up magic? Did you do some online- Ben's got the powers of a spider. What? Am I sick? Ben's also going to the doctor.

Do I have the powers of a spider now? Because my wife does. My wife has the powers of a spider, or I'm very sick. Oh, yeah, that might be like, hey, I think I may, I can hang from walls or whatever. Am I or am I hallucinating? And I'm like, I don't know, because I'm seeing this. Maybe I'm Peter. I'm hallucinating this entire event.

Peter! I suspect you might not be in the room with me, to be honest. I think I'm a mental brain. Peter! What do you think, Peter? Peter's life fucking sucks now. Yeah, if you weren't a superpowered grandma, what is that duty?

Aunt. Aunt. Yeah, but even then, like, Peter's life just already- If he doesn't become Spider-Man, his life just sucks anyway. That's true. You've got to remember, like, he doesn't- His life is dog shit. Yeah.

I mean, he's a kid. He gets picked on. He's a nerd. He'll be a science boy. Oh, yeah, he's a science boy. He'll probably end up just working for, like, Ozborn. Or Ozborn, where bad things will happen. Yeah, and then he'll become a lizard or a Sandman.

And then he'll basically get some form of powers. Well, maybe as well. And we do see what Peter's like with powers. No, you've got to get a dead uncle. Yeah, you need a dead uncle. He powers out a dead uncle, or else you're going to get a cunt Spider-Man. Or he'll get the powers of a lizard and become Aunt May's sidekick. Yeah.

Right? You don't team up with your aunt. He might. That's depressing. Peter might. It does feel sad to team up with your aunt. Peter might. It feels weirdly humiliating to have your 74-year-old aunt have powers.

I don't know why, but it just does. But yeah, he continues to get bullied. MJ never gives him a chance. Yeah, but he might be delighted in pre-Spider-Man. Yeah, also Gwen doesn't die. Yeah, that's true. Gwen doesn't die. Or Aunt May fails to save Gwen.

For some reason, Osborn is like, Aha, I'm gonna... Is Gwen dating Peter pre-Spider-Man there? No. See, because he gets all this confidence from Peter pre-Spider-Man though? No. See, because he gets all this confidence from being Spider-Man. Yeah,

that does help with his confidence, that's true. Because he's like, I know I'm not actually a loser because I could crush any of these bullies' heads in my hand.

You can say, your words cannot hurt me anymore because I know I can take your life. I can tear your windpipe out without thought. I am just choosing not to.

I remember this speech at the end of Spider-Man 1. Flash Thompson, if you call me Penis Parker one more time, I will punch you in the top of the head, and your head will go into your chest, and you will look like MODOK, a man you've never seen but I've seen because I've been to space. Have you ever seen the movie Predator seen because I've been to space. Have you ever seen the movie Predator?

I will tear your spine out. And then who will be Penis Parker? You will be Flash Thompson. He's just saying these speeches in the mirror. And he's like, hey, Penis Parker. And he's like, oh. I wish I could do something about it. would J Jonah like go to town on like old granny spider oh yeah well it's just it's gonna be more like pro that he like it's nice

to see an old broad get now yeah would she call herself spider woman what would she call herself well I guess yeah so does she go to fight crime I guess yeah I don't think so because I just don't think she would I think she would be like, we're going to the hospital, something's gone terribly wrong. I need a blood transfusion. Then all of a sudden she loses her powers. That is Peter Parker's one weakness. Getting all his blood taken out. You tell me if you don't remove all the Spider-Man blood out of him and then fill him full of regular blood.

Do they take all of your blood? Like what, they're changing his blood like he's a fucking car doing oil change? Ah, yes, Peter Parker. Your blood's gone bad. We're going to drain all the blood and put new blood in. It's time for your service. Fucking tap him like a keg. Yeah.

If you're not going to have no blood for a bit, Peter Parker, that will be fine. It happens. It's just a matter of time. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Yeah. You know those rumors you hear with old rockers who are like, I've had so much cocaine and quaaludes that I basically just have the blood of a youth just pump through me?

Yeah, exactly. And that's what, that's the cure. That'll cure Peter Parker. Yeah. Or take your spider powers. Well, what about when Aunt May realizes that she's not sick? These are just powers she has. No, that's what I mean.

I don't think that she, well, that's what I think. Yeah. Like, yeah, we knew that that conversation was is going to happen i just still don't think she fights crime i think she's just like probably just uses that to run aim better someone aim is that her company no that's the one that had advanced ideas reach yeah is it reach yeah what do you think uncle Ben might have the great power great responsibility

conversation with it just like in bed one night I think so I think he's been doing that for years right that's not a speech

off the cuff he's been fucking hearing that for years I think that's in the comics as well that it's just like a thing Ben used to say yeah you know

so he probably would be thinking it Ben you work so much well mate with great power comes great responsibility gotta work 16 hours a day what did Ben do as a living before Ben, you work so much. Well, mate, with great power comes great responsibility. I got to work 16 hours a day.

What did Ben do as a living before? Was he an engineer? Bus driver? Engineer rang more of a bell. Uncle Ben's job. Bus driver just made me think of, is it heart and soul? He's an electrician. Electrician. Okay, yes.

He's an electrician in the Ramey films okay huh it just seems a strange thing for like with great power comes great responsibility just to kind of have that off the cuff yeah yeah absolutely but that's also feel like something that you know your dad or you like the you know

this kid uncle would constantly say that I think that in the comics I say that like you know it's our responsibility you have a power over something or you know you have these skills and it's your responsibility to make sure that you're doing a good job yeah you know you imply that to you know like like an electrician it's like i have this like the the skills and all that kind of stuff to make sure the wiring is good it's my power to do this and i need to make sure that it is good that i don't i don't make a mistake or i don't yeah it's my responsibility to do this stuff, and I need to make sure that it is good. That I don't make a mistake or I don't, yeah. Because it's my responsibility.

So he might maybe suggest, you know, if that's the way he thinks, he sees Aunt May with all of these powers, and he's like, well, I mean. Well, like May, I mean, you've gotten a new lease on life, basically, and you have a responsibility to now do good. But that's a bit of a jump to be like go fight crime no yeah

I just think because that's vigilante yeah that is illegal for a reason which I don't think really Ben would be

that's like you took the wrong fucking lesson Peter probably if Uncle Ben saw what Spider-Man was doing he would be like

I guess he's like look in the long run you've probably saved the world enough time but it seems like a weird I don't think he'd suggest it I don't think he'd be like Aunt May he's like look in the long run you've probably saved the world enough time but it seems like a weird like i don't think he suggested i don't think he'd be like art may get out in the streets yeah i think it'd be more like use so okay you could you can do something that's like very impressive and like people want to see it well why don't we use that almost like

like a mascot yeah reach or yeah absolutely but it's also funny because like art may in the obviously in the comics she does live in a world full of superheroes yeah yeah and it's also funny because Aunt May, obviously in the comics, she does live in a world full of superheroes. Yeah. And it's like that weird thing where if, which I'm sure we've talked about countless times, if you lived in the Marvel Universe, you got powers. You're sucked off by an eel. Yeah. I was fishing with my dick. I fell into a lake and an electric eel swam directly into my anus and I became the eel man.

You got eel powers not electric powers no not the eels yeah it happens the best of us what are eel powers

I'm wriggly slimy you can unhinge your jaw eels can do that yeah cool look I walk swim

breathe underwater swim full of ice I got the eel head you just you but an eel head let the eel swim up your anus and then out your neck hole, displacing your head. Knocked my head right off.

You seem like a unique situation. I don't know if I would expect you to. Are you an eel with a man suit? Hang on. I still have the same thoughts that I used to have. Yeah, but if I x-ray you, is there an eel? Knock his head clean off. Is there an eel through the Yeah, but if I x-ray you, is there an eel? You can't clean off. Is there an eel through the middle of you if I x-ray your body?

Yeah. I don't think you're Joel Dusha anymore. I think you're an eel that thinks it's Joel Dusha. Or I can control its arms and legs. But that must be crazy for an eel. Eel's got limbs. Yeah. And I guess human lips.

Yeah. Does it have human lips or an eel mouth? Eel mouth. Okay. It didn't bring your mouth with it. No. Okay. Maybe it kept my eyes.

But also because an eel head, if it came directly out, would be like a face. Facing up. But his face is facing the same way. It could be like an eel up and then bend. And bend down, which is horrible. Also, that's a really long and big eel that went up you did yeah i have to ask again is do you have you said you were wriggly and slimy is that only the eel bits uh no my arms and legs the same thing okay all right cool do you have the eel still protruding out of your anus yeah or. Or did it just come all the way in?

Do people think that it's a tail? Because it's like a couple of pokes out the back of your teeth and actually poking out your arsehole. Yeah, it's correct. Awesome. Awesome, yeah. This is great news. You've got an eel tail poking out.

Constantly gaping. Oh my god, he's by eel. Well, actually. Sort of. A little trivia about. Well, actually. Sort of. A little trivia about the eel, man. You think that's a tail? No, that's the eel that is also his head.

He's getting sort of impaled by an eel. Some kind of weird dark river magic. He fell into a creek. He's going to fuse this eel with his man limbs. Well, I don't know if I would expect you to fight crime if you had an eel through you. Well, just back to Ben and his speeches and trying to find out what his job was. I made the mistake of learning about comics. Oh, yeah.

So I found out that this is unrelated to the job thing, but it's just funny. Yeah. To quote what I just saw. This is unrelated to the job thing, but it's just funny. Yeah. To quote what I just saw. Ben's death was truly avenged when the burglar returned for the money once more, threatening Aunt May. The burglar died from a heart attack upon beholding his old nemesis, Spider-Man, and learning that Spider-Man and Peter Parker were one and the same person. Oh, my God. And then I was like, oh, that's funny.

Let's look at, like, what issue this was. Yeah. And then I was like,-man issue 200 yeah and then on the front cover it's like oh sorry the synopsis of this from the official marvel website yeah because i clicked on the one that's like hey do you want to read i'm like no it was published the 1st of january 1980 so happy new year yeah happy new year the amazing spider-man's 200th issue after surviving an overdose of antidepressants at the hands of Mysterio, Spider-Man is left powerless. Who is Spider-Man without spider abilities?

A mystery services about the true demise of Aunt May while Peter Parker rues his life as a superhero. Teen angst never looked so good and read so good. The true demise. Oh, sorry. Teen angst never looked and read so good. Okay, that's not as stupid. I thought Marvel. Stan Lee. Never looked X never looked and read so good. Okay, that's not as stupid. I thought Marvel. They all looked so good and never read so good.

Oh, yeah. Stan Lee is a co-writer of this one. Wow. Yeah, so Spider-Man doesn't have powers, but kills the burglar accidentally by giving him a heart attack with a spook, and antidepressants took away his spider powers. Okay, I guess he didn't need a whole blood transfusion, just Xanax. All his blood, yeah. What was Mysterio's plan?

It worked. It did work. Imagine casting your mind back to 1979, picking up the issue one, presumably one nine nine of The Amazing Spider-Man, and then being like, antidepressants. Made him... Were antidepressants. Yeah, okay. Made him.

Were antidepressants sort of like new-ish maybe at the time? I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm just pitfalling here. Because it's Mysterio? Did he like trick him into taking a bunch of? No, no, no. Dude, enjoy the episode.

Eat up these pills, brother. These pills are party pills. Spider-Man. So the charity was Feast, by the way. Oh, okay. Feast, what was I saying? Reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am initially.

I'm here to say, same shit. Yeah, fair enough. I think if it is the sort of, so did we find out Ben's job, by the way? It's the chief electrician in the Raimi films, but he gets let go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then in the other comics, we don't know.

He's just an old man. Just an old man that owns Peter Parker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. God, I need to... After I read this, I'm going to take my phone and put it in the bin, because I'm in comics and it's bad.

Issue 199, 1st of December 1979. Illusions twist and bend into reality as a still-recovering Spider-Man is a victim to Mysterio's torture. Still-recovering? Will the end of Spider-Man be a rapidly filling swimming pool? When it comes to

Mysterio, all bets are off the table. Give Spider-Man a bunch of Zanzacs. Zanzacs. Zanzacs. Zanzac Day, lest we forget. Zanzacs. And then drown him.

And then drown him. I just, okay, so I guess whatever job Ben had, somehow that, for some reason, he kept talking about great power and responsibility. Okay, so here's how the antidepressants work. It happens in chapter 198. Sorry, issue 198. Spider-Man has been brutally beaten by Kingpin and is too weak to lick his wounds.

After a stint at the hospital where he remains masked. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for the clarification. Spider-Man continues to convalesce at the Restwell retirement home. Why is it a retirement home? Another problem on top of his broken bones. Restwell.

I just realized it's called Restwell. Why is it a retirement village? Restwell's chief of medicine is none other than Mysterio. chief of medicine is none other than Mysterio. Dun, dun. Spider-Man falls victim to mind games

while the change in Jameson loses his mind. Comics rock! Oh, god damn. Okay. Okay. Well.

Yeah. So whatever, yeah, Ben is great power, great responsibility. I assumed it came maybe from his job, but who knows? Maybe he was a volunteer fireman. It's just a thing he believes. I think, like in one of the Spider-Mans,

Aunt May uses Peter Parker as a mascot for Feast. I think Aunt May would just be the mascot for Feast. I think that she'd be like, well, the best good I can do is directing people to Feast, and I that she'd be like, well, the best good I can do is directing people to Feast, and I can use my powers to help. So she would just do feats of strength and tricks and stuff? Yeah, it's like food, emergency aid, shelter

and training. So that's the what Feast is. She might become like a kind of like a, you know, what's Iron Man's wife's name? Pepper Potts. Yeah, like Rescue? She becomes Rescue, where she's not really fighting crime, she's just like helping out with disasters. Yeah, Rescue don't have guns.

Yeah, Rescue don't have guns. Arme's just like, well, I'm just here to like help people. Yeah, because like I can pick up like a lot of stuff

really easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm strong. Oh, yeah, I can do that. Does she become the sidekick to like a hero? Oh, yeah. I don't know.

So who's Captain America? Hulk? Clean up the rubble well maybe the avengers or something like that like she becomes i don't think she grandma yeah like i don't i don't think she becomes a hero in the sense of fighting other villains no because it just doesn't seem up her alley although there's something nice about the like like how many of spider-man's villains are old men yeah they're fighting an old wolf wolf. The age gap has really been shrunk by our making of films. Are they really that old?

Or is it just... Adrian Toomes. Adrian Toomes is old. Vulture's old. That's the same guy. Yeah, Adrian Toomes is old. No, so is Cinebree. Vulture's old.

The Vulture. Rhino, young man. Ha, Craven, young man. Otto could be older. Otto goes either way. He does marry Aunt May in the comics.

Yeah, but we haven't even been into that in this episode yet. There's two Aunt Mays. There's old 70-year-old Aunt

May and then there's hot as hell Aunt May. It's 70-year-old Aunt May. Oh, right. Okay. I thought you

meant in Marvel because I'm like, yeah, there was. There was an actress that was pretending to be Aunt May. Yeah, she dies.

Oh, yeah. No, I do know what that is. And then doesn't that come into One More Day or whatever? I don't know if it comes into One More Day, but basically it's like when Peter Parker is like,

Aunt May is actually alive. Oh, this comes down, I think it's the gathering or the gathering of 12, gathering of five, whatever it was. They kill off Aunt May and then they're like,

oh, she was an actress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the actress dies and she's been dead for years or something like that. That honestly could tie into the comic issues that I was just talking about where it's like the truth about Aunt May.

Potentially, because then there's a thing where I think MJ is pregnant and she's going to have a baby that's May. They're going to call her May. And I just don't know what happens to that baby or that pregnancy. And so when it kind of was leaked to be like, oh, May's alive, everyone was thinking, oh, it's the baby. But no, it was Aunt May. And an actress was like, I got the role of a lifetime.

One I'm going to take literally my grave. What the fuck? Yeah, comics great. Very good. Awesome stuff. If that's happening at the same time that Mysterio gives Spider-Man too many antidepressants and tries to drown him in a pool. I got more comic books I need to buy. Happy to say that issue 201

is Spider-Man teaming up with the Punisher. He bounces back pretty quick, I guess. He's fine. He's fine. Okay, yeah. So I guess, honestly, the villains don't... Is there any villains that just become villains because of Spider-Man?

I guess Electro in the Amazing Spider-Man 2. Yeah, Aunt May would remember his birthday. Aunt May would remember it. I just... Yeah, I don't think she'd become, like, a sidekick, but I think she would become, like, someone that, say, Captain America might call on. Because also, you're right, like, Vigilante's like,

well, that's a crime, you know? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if Aunt May likes that kind of Vigilante. Oh, there was an Avengers event in the middle of New York and now Aunt May's leading a group of people to clear up the rubble Like a damage control kind of thing and she comes in and helps

clear up any of the things that were like, oh, this is this attack on New York has caused a bunch of disruption and a lot of people left homeless and like, you know, I'm going to try and help as well as I can yeah and like yeah no mask no costumes yeah I can't imagine

maybe like a uniform but like an official kind of looking uniform would she do the same thing as Spiderman though and she'd be like huh cause like he's like my aunt's oldest shit like if anyone figures out who I am they'll beat the shit out of her and she'll die

but she's not really making enemies that's true she's not like beating up a man trapped in a rhino costume

while also making fun of the fact that he is stuck in a rhino costume no one forgets how kind of a fuckhead

in a rhino costume everyone kind of forgets how just mean Peter Parker is to everyone. He's a dick. Yeah, he's a bit of a dick. He's like, I'm going to be a stand-up.

He's trying his type 5. He's insult the comic dog. He's trying his type 5 while he punches Sandman in the mouth. Like, I just want to try and save my daughter from Captain. Knock, knock. Who's there? You made a scene and your daughter's dying. I like you, Spider-Man.

He's not funny so much as cruel, but I think that's awesome. He's just really good at knock-knock jokes. That's all he does. Venom, knock, knock, who's there? Your name's Eddie and you love me. He's got a strange little toad voice. He's choking on his own words. That one didn't come out properly.

What? We couldn't hear you in the fight. Don't worry about it. Out of space, dickhead. We're not in space. That's where you're from. Shut up. Quips are hard. Quips are hard.

Quips are hard. In the heat of battle, I couldn't do it. Yeah, no, I would just be like, I'd just be, if I had to quip in battle, I'd just be dishing out, hey, get a load of this. I'd just be so silent. I'd just be like. No, a load of this. I could probably hear a biff and the guy falls unconscious and you're like,

I got it. I might say, like if I had Spider-Man powers and like say I was swinging a vending machine into a guy, I might say

vending machine as I did it. Yeah. Vending machine. Punch. I'm like, ah, who wants a snack?

Yeah, who wants a... And then I hit him and I'm like, ah, that wasn't good. Who wants a... And then it hits him. Snack like, ah, I wasn't good. Who wants a... And then it hits him.

Snack! You know what? You're pretty handsome, somewhat cool. Snack is... And then the momentum of hitting him, the vending machine, it loses a bit because I'm not happy with this. And then it just kind of brushes up against the person. What's your favorite snack?

Doritos? Doritos? What's your favorite snack? Ditos? What's your favorite snack? Dying under a vending machine? Knock knock You need a Snickers To kill hungry thirsty dead Was that a Snickers? Oak bitch

Oh fuck His head's gone His head's a squish by vending machine I got too distracted trying to quip and kill the man Fuck Well hey Petty theft pays His head's a squish pipe I got too distracted Trying to quip And kill the man Fuck Well hey Petty Theft

Pays Thank god No one's around To hear your quips dude He's letting go Of this man's head Squashed like a watermelon It's nice that

Like Spider Douche Is like Rogue Gal Or you're just Dead Knock knock Who's there I get results Did you just say Knock knock No you kill him Why the douche is like Rogue Gallery? You're just dead. Knock, knock. Mostly because of shame. Who's there?

I get results. Did you just say knock, knock? No, you kill him, kill him, kill him. This guy can't. No one can tell him. No one can tell this story. No one knows it's me because of my horrible toad voice when I'm telling quips. It's me.

No one knows it's you because you've got an eel fry. That's true. Or everyone knows it's me because I've got an eel fry. Just biting this guy with your eel face. If you're an eel man, it feels like it might be easier to do quips because you just do eel jokes. Flippily.

It's easy, dude. The funniest eel joke ever written. Flippily. Dude, that's a perfect eel gag. Hey, we're laughing. Yeah, it would stop Craven and his tracks, I think. Yeah, because... What?

Huh? And then bite his head. Clean it off. Swallow it down. It's like... Shoot it out the eel, which is out your arse. Craven, last big knife. You're like, ooh, flippily. Craven's like, what out the eel Which is out your ass Yeah Craven lads Big knife You're like

Oh slippery Craven's like What? Huh? Chomped by a big eel Cause I would not know One I wouldn't know If you were a guy

Or a monster And then I wouldn't know If you'd said anything Or just made a noise at me Are you trying to speak? It's the perfect quip You got horrible needle teeth I don't know

Yeah What? Are you trying to speak? It's the perfect quip. You got horrible needle teeth? I don't know. Yeah. What? Ah! Yeah, I guess a good move. So I guess all of Spider-Man's villains wouldn't necessarily become villains or really anything, but I guess May would use her abilities to kind of promote Feast, I feel. I think so, yeah. And then just help out in a more sort of humane way. Not like

these big bombastic battles. Yeah. I think she'd actually do it probably more good than Spider-Man in the long run. Less jokes, though. Comedy's down in New York City. I feel also, maybe definitely less jokes. And maybe some of the villains, if she was

to say anything, would be like, oh, yeah, maybe I do need to. That's true. And I think maybe if they knew she was an old woman, it would feel not so good about fighting her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Spider-Man's a little boy. He's sort of a teenager. Yeah, yeah.

But they don't know he's a little boy. Yeah, he's the size of an adult. Yeah. I guess if Aunt May was in a costume, you might not know either. But if she wasn't in a costume, you'd be like, oh, that's an old woman. I don't want to punch an old woman. Yeah. Then she punches you in the guts.

And you're like, okay, all bets are off. Hand me that vending machine. Vending machine. Yeah, I think she'd be a better Spider-Man than Spider-Man. Yeah, if it doesn't immediately kill her, which I'm still standing on the fact that she gets bitten by that spider, dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless it's a young hot May, in which case she'd be a better Spider-Man than Spider-Man could ever hope to be. And my girlfriend. That's awesome, dude. Congrats. Yeah, it would be sick. I'd date her. That's mad.

Everyone would be like, wow, look at this power couple, this young stallion and hot Aunt May. It's hot Aunt May dating eel. Yeah, with his famous catchphrase. I ate Uncle Ben. You're cutting his lunch. Yeah, dude, I am. And I'm proud of it.

I killed a guy and dated his wife. That's a t-shirt I'm wearing. Yes, with great power. Yeah, fair enough. An eel slammed into my anus, so all bets are off. I like imagining that's what you say at the press conference. They're like, tell us about yourself, your man. You've leaned in too close to the microphone

an eel slipped into my anus so all birds are off thank you Eelman that's Eelman everybody Eelman up swiftly New York's protector New York's finest That's your man, everybody. My man's up swiftly. New York's protector.

New York's finest. Safe with me. My mind is on there. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. What ifs, they're good. Hey, fellas.

Oh, no. Hey, fellas. Oh, no. Hey, everyone. Join us next month when we ask, what if Spider-Man had rescued Gwen Stacy? And then there's a little thing where it says, at last, the most highly aviated. Anticipated, surely. Anticipated what if of all time. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

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