Plumbing the Death Star - What Wisdom Could You Impart on the Mighty Ducks?

Episode Date: November 5, 2023

After getting in trouble with Johnny Law and sentenced to 500 hours of community service we did not think that the fine people of Minnesota would take pee-wee hockey this seriously but here we are. Sure, Coach Bombay learned that winning isn’t everything and that the most important thing is that you have fun (but also that you do indeed win) but we’re already there! Zammit goes off to serve out his community service in the rude future of 4040, Jackson has a terrible time on the rink as the saddest little boy in the stands and JD belittles a very sad old man. It’s Hawks v District Larger Hawks as we set a moose loose, try to run out the clock and keep cutting Averman.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, You're listening to the Sandspans Network. podcast where we ask the important questions. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. And it's my podcast and I'm also a host here. I'm too of my host. What's the question

then, Jackson, if you're the host? It's what wisdom could you impart on the Mighty Dog? That's close to what I was going to say, but not 100% correct. Why is what you were going to say correct? Why can't what I said be correct? Well, you said the start when I said I'm the host. That's why.

Host besides. Not the host. I don't know if I like this. You're a co-host. Yeah. We're all co-hosts and there's no main host. I don't know if you can have three co-hosts. You can have three co-hosts. You're my co-host, but I'm your co-host.

Or you can have a host with two co-hosts. No, we're all hosts. We're all co-hosts of each other. Equal parts. Plumbing the death star. Why does he get two words? I only got one. I was very humble on this. Plumbing the Death Star. Why does he get two words? I only got one. I was very humble on this.

Yeah, he got the the. The Death Stars together. Death Stars, two words. Not in this case. Fine. Plumbing the Death Star. I'd say plumbing the, to the room, Death Star. Maybe that's clever.

Yeah, the room is the fourth co-host. He's plumbing your death and I'm star. Oh, Maybe that's clever. Yeah, the room is the fourth co-host. He's plumbing, you're Death, and I'm Star. Oh, hang on a second. What? You want to be Star? He's Star? You want to be Death? I'm plumbing, I'm first.

That makes sense. That's the coolest. I'm happy. No, it's actually cringed. It's too edgy. Shit. That's wrecked my life. Anyway, what happens-

Speaking of wreck your life Yes Coach Bombay Yeah He's won his 30th case Of being a lawyer Nice And he's feeling

Fucking red hot about it He's frisky free Don't you dare bring up That case he did lose Doesn't count Okay I wouldn't dream of it Good He's fucking jacked up as shit

Yeah Always be winning A B C Winning Okay Cool yeah He jumps in his car Uh huh He's celebrating Shit. Always be winning. A, B, C. Winning. Okay. Cool, yeah. He jumps in his car. He's celebrating.

Okay. And what better way to celebrate than to drink drive? Drive too fast? No, no, no, no. On alcohol? Yes. If it wasn't illegal, it would be a good way to celebrate. Oh, yeah.

If drink driving wasn't illegal, that would be the best way to celebrate anything. If drink driving wasn't illegal and dangerous, it would be awesome. Yeah. If there was like... It wouldn't get me in trouble and very dangerous for myself and others. Oh, if it wasn't that, yes. It would be so cool. I would say it would be great.

You know what would be great? I don't know. Deep-throating like a six-foot-long hot dog. If it didn't kill me and I choked it down. It would be cool. It would be great. You know, if it was safe. Somehow I think that the people experiencing this podcast solely through an audio medium

would have just heard the most unpleasant sound I've ever heard on this show. But somehow if they saw it, it wasn't too bad. I think the people watching it on YouTube and TikTok and the people who hear it get two equal parts of a horrendous thing. Because the visual was pretty bad, but the

audio was pretty bad. So you really don't win. Jake driving. He's Jake driving. He gets caught. He's like, that's all right. I'll just represent myself. Drink driving. He's drink driving. Yeah, gets drink driving, gets caught. He's like, that's all right. I'll just represent myself. Yeah, mistake. Because he has represented himself before with a few other misdemeanors.

And this time his law firm. Yeah, Mr. Duxworth. Run by Mr. Duxworth is like, guess what, fuckwit? You ain't going to be representing yourself. We're going to cut a deal. And the deal is that you need to cop 500 hours of community service. I almost said customer service. Go work at Target. Because Mr. Coach Bombay, he work too hard.

He needs to take a break. Obsessed with work. Obsessed with work. Obsessed with winning. He needs to understand that he needs to take a break sometimes. That winning isn't everything. And that maybe he just needs to take a break sometimes, that winning isn't everything, and that maybe he just needs to have a little bit of a relax. He also needs to stop bending the rules, I think,

is something that happens. Anyway. Yeah, you can play by the rules. You've got to play by the rules, but also fucking relax about work every now and then. You've got to have a decent work-life balance, and also, I mean, look, what's the opposite of honest? Dishonest.

Dishonest, yeah. A dishonest victory isn't really a victory. It's not winning at all costs. Which is terrible advice for a lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's all about dishonest victories. Yeah, if you're a lawyer and you find out your person's guilty, you're not meant to be like, well, too bad.

Yeah. That is weird. Yeah. If you're a lawyer and you're going to- Yeah. Mr. Duxworth is- I don't know what happens with lawyers because I am not a lawyer. If you're a lawyer and you guys... Mr. Duxworth is... I don't know what happens with lawyers, because I am not a lawyer. If you're a lawyer...

If your lawyer is like, well, you know, you've got the presumed innocence. Yeah. But then again, it's just like... Apparently it happens all the time. What is the code there? The code is to represent your guy. The code is to represent the guy as much as possible. Yeah.

And does that include omitting evidence? I think it's treated like a game where it's like you're not lying. Yeah. And does that include omitting evidence and all those kinds of things? I think it's treated like a game where it's like you can't, you're not lying. Okay. But you can't.

Yeah. But I think knowing... Mr. Lawyer, sir, yes, I know you're like, I killed that man. I did it. I'd do it again.

The lawyer's going to be like, sorry, I went deaf for five minutes. He said, don't say that again. Don't say that I killed that man and I loved it every moment. Yeah, said, not say that again. Not say that I killed that man and I loved it every moment. Yeah, well, I went deaf again for some reason.

What's happening to me? No amount of jail time will ever rehabilitate me. I keep going deaf. I have killed and will kill again. Something's wrong with my freaking ears over here. Can you give me one more? Then you leave, you come back. Are you all done saying things? So you can get back to the case

And he's like And before you say anything A few things to add Okay Oh my poor ears Hey I've obviously not heard anything But like I'll just let you know If

If you were going to say anything incriminating That would probably be bad But like lucky I've gone deaf all those previous times. But, like, just in case it happens in the future. There's a little warning for you. Yeah, yeah. You said hypothetically.

That's what I heard. Hypothetically. As a joke, I think. As a joke if you killed those men. I think you said, I'm practicing for a play. And then you said all those things. Right? No.

Okay. I'm deaf again. That's okay. you said no now because that doesn't mean anything because you're not saying no by itself is meaningless no no no I did kill those people

that's not a joke and I'd do it again right this is not a play I am not reading this from a script sorry I just I 100% did it

and I would do it again in a heartbeat care sorry I don't speak English anymore so I don't know what you said, actually, and I can no longer represent you. You need to find a lawyer that can speak your

language. Okay, have a good one. Is that guy guilty? I don't know. I couldn't hear him. I don't have ears. And he actually never said anything. Actually, I don't even speak English. Off I go. Who can say what's going on?

I don't really fully understand like if you feel if you're a lawyer like an honest lawyer yeah ideally if you're like you know you know 100 that uh the person you're representing a big piece of shit yeah and has done the crime that you are having to defend you'd be like um as a lawyer i don't know if i could do that then they're like uhhuh, but what about these fat stacks of cash that I have? And then you're like, well, now I'm changing my tone. I think you hear sometimes about lawyers who are like, I no longer want to represent this person. Yeah. Like it's like your personal choice, but I don't know.

But I think there's also a lot of like, okay, you've done it. We know that you've done it now. Like me. Yeah. We as in like me, the lawyer. I killed them okay that's uh

okay I heard that that came across loud and clear and that's okay um so what we're gonna do is if they offer us anything we're gonna take it

because if we don't and then they find out you did the thing that you did you will get worse yeah I guess

that's the thing that most lawyers do. How do you plead? Not guilty, Your Honor. Okay. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. He didn't do it. He didn't do it.

In fact, you'll find, Your Honor, that the defendant is still alive. If I'm deaf, Your Honor. It's so funny. I can't hear. You've been spending the whole case arguing that he did do it, but let's get this sentence. You stand up. You're like, I guess I was wrong whole case arguing that he did do it, but let's get this sentence and you stand up

and you're like, I guess I was wrong. Ignore all of that. Don't worry about it. My client didn't do it. You know when I said he did do it, but let's go for

a lighter sentence? Forget it. I don't know what I was doing. I'm crazy. Lapsing something that day. Sorry, I think when I said, yeah,

we're looking to lower the tent and we will be pleading guilty, I was just having one of those silly days. You're on or I'm on one. I'd like to plead I got that dog in me. I don't know if that's five minute recess. Anyway, back to Coach Bombay.

So, finds out that he's going to be coaching the District 5 Peewee hockey team. And he fucking hates kids and he fucking hates hockey. Those are two things that he says. Minus a couple of fucks. And that's because, and we found out in a flashback, that he used to play for a peewee hockey team. Oh, the Hawks.

And the Hawks. They win every single grand final for like since the 1970, I want to say two, maybe even earlier, to present day. Every single one except for one. And that was because. Oh, no. Coach Bombay, but little boy Bombay. Gordon Bombay, small, played for them.

And scores were level. And just before overtime, he got a penalty. And he went left. He went right. He went left again. He did the triple. Dipple. Triple dike?

That can't be right. It's triple dike. Dike? D-E-K-E. Yeah, dike. Triple dike. Triple dike. Triple dike.

The goalie is 11 years old, so has no fucking clue what's going on. Falls out of the goals. Bombay as a little boy. Hits maybe the post or some shit. Has a shot. Hits the post. Whiffs it. Whiffs it back.

And he's like a quarter inch to the right and would have been a goal. Yeah, but a quarter inch to the left would have been a completeness. Yeah, which is the same as hitting the post. So there is a motivational speech that involves that later in the film, but it means nothing to me. That's funny. It's a motivational speech. It involves that later in the film, but it means nothing to me. That's funny.

Anyway, so because of that, the coach of the Hawks, who is still present day coach of the Hawks, a peewee hockey team, is like, hey, you got to do this for not only the team, but for me. And if you miss, you're letting every single person down. Oh, yeah. Not only are you letting every single person down, I know your dad has recently died this year. You'll also be letting down the memory of your dead father. This movie rules because

it's in a certain universe where peewee hockey is so important. I need you to know how important this peewee hockey is. There's commentators for peewee hockey. There is news articles about this

particular... Minnesota's fucking lost their mind. Is it a newspaper Pee-wee hockey. There is news articles about this particular. Minnesota's fucking lost their mind. Is it a newspaper dedicated to pee-wee hockey? Pretty much. It's front page news. But is the first page news like the Times? It seems to be like Minnesota hockey news, I guess. Or whatever it is.

But very much, everyone's taking this very seriously. There's a beautiful photo when it becomes the final of it's got like Coach Bombay and it's like the cover of Face Off but it's Coach Bombay on one side and the other guy on the other side. Coach Riley. So is it the Ducks versus Hawks?

Yeah, in the playoff final. So their first game, we jumped around too much there. Yeah, I'm jumping around too much. This is how important. Yeah, all right. So the finals are stacked. There's so much of a crowd. Full crowd.

And not only this, they're wearing merch. Whoa! Pee-wee hockey merch. They have pee-wee hockey merch. And with the Ducks, as JD said, they become District 5 initially. Then they become the Ducks. So in the span of like midway through the season, they become the Ducks. So in the span of like midway through the season, they become the Ducks.

Good enough that they end up printing merch to sell. That's awesome. That are large. And they're not just parents. And they're not just friends of parents. Yeah. It's a lot of people there. Are they like an up and – like are they –

Okay. Furt off. Furt off. Now, peewee hockey is genuinely, genuinely, I think what, 11 to 12 years old. Yeah. And it feels that every team gets one 17-year-old boy. That's very...

So, wait, there's like one huge kid in every hockey team? Seems to be that in every hockey team they play, there is one huge kid. That's awesome. That's, yeah. All right. So, just double-check checking their ages yeah now look the actor that does play the 17 year old boy is an adult he is i think quite he's what he's young i think he was like 13 or 14 at the time of filming but he looks like he's everything that's

and each team has one it seems to be yeah that's weird yeah yeah but i don't know how regular hockey works maybe they do have one giant guy. I think that's only fair. Yeah. To have one giant guy for a team. I was going to show you a photo, but I just realized in isolation he just looks like a rowdy team. He has an awesome face there. He looks like he would push me over.

He would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. He gets drafted into the team. So it's Fulton, for everyone who is familiar with the Mighty Ducks. The Duckheads. For some reason didn't know who we were talking about. And Fulton gets drafted into the team when he

is playing hockey, normal hockey, in an alley and whacks a ball and misses the goals and smashes Coach Bombay's limousine window. That's awesome. And then Bombay's like, Jesus Christ. Delinquent, but he's got spunk.

He's got like the, he's really good slap shot, and he gets usually one in five. Okay. That's pretty good. And it's a powerful slap shot. So it's Ducks v. Hawks. That's the end. So that's the end. At the start, it's District 5 first.

First move, Coach Bombay. And this is important because this is where we're going to struggle. Because first round, Coach Bombay is like, fucking play hockey. And they have no equipment, no uniforms. They're playing against the Hawks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, so he has an initial training session. Yeah.

He drives his limousine onto the rink. Yes, he drives his limo onto the ice. Oh, yeah, a frozen lake. He's like, don't worry, trust me. I think I played peewee hockey when I was but a boy. I know a thing or two about ice hockey.

He's got like an incredible level of knowledge for ice hockey. Does he say that and then drive the limousine onto the ice? No,

he uses that as an excuse for why he drove the limousine onto the ice. He's like, trust me, I know what I'm doing, alright? Because he has not

played hockey, I think, since then, but don't worry, doing, all right? Because he has not played hockey, I think, since then. But don't worry. He was like almost a virtuoso. He didn't do it for maybe, I don't know how old he is currently. But let's say 25. But that doesn't translate to the limousine's not going to fall on the ice. Okay.

He drives on to the ice. He then introduces himself. That's like driving your car into a basketball court and being like, don't worry, I play basketball. I know what I'm doing. When I was 11. It'll be fine, I say. Okay.

All the kids are not that impressed, I think, with his limousine. No, they love the limousine. They just want to get in it. They do want to get in it. That's awesome. And they get in every way possible. If I saw a guy drive a limousine into a frozen lake, I would not want to get in it because I'd be like,

this man's about to die. Not only do they want to get in it because I would be like, this man's about to die. Not only do they want to get in it, they then do get in it, but they also shake it a bit. That's crazy. It's very bad. I was waiting for the whole thing to go bang. Great tragedy strikes as an entire hockey team and their coach have sunk into a frozen lake.

Maybe getting a guy who was pinned for DUI to coach a hockey team. Throw a bunch of children onto the ice and now he's a big ice block. It was not a good idea, especially unsupervised, as, yes, a lot of children are now drowned at the bottom of the lake. Imagine you're watching that. You're like, oh, I just watched my kid training. You see the coach drive a limousine on and the kids run into it. You're like, maybe I don't know how hockey works.

So they haven't even done a whole training session. He just yells at them? Yeah, a little bit because he's like, what's going on? And then one of the mothers, Charlie's mom, is just like, what the hell are you doing driving a limousine onto the ice? That's a question I'm asking. I'm taking my boy. Training's off.

Good. They don't even get a chance to train together. So he's yet to experience District 5 play ice hockey because they are shit. This surprises him. They don't really know how to skate. They can't shoot or pass. They haven't trained

at all. They don't have uniforms, so they're just wearing homemade red shirts. Goldberg, the goalie, is afraid of getting hit by the puck. Fair enough. His equipment isn't... He's got, like, newspapers taped to his legs rather than actual shin guards. It rules. That is awesome.

And Coach Bombay coaches against Coach Riley in the first game of the year, loses 17-0. Coach Riley's like, maybe just kill yourself. Yeah, okay. It's embarrassing, first off, because it's like, wow, I used to coach me and I choked on that game that, yeah. And everyone remembers this thing because it's a whole bunch of flags. And one of them is like runners up,

like, you know, silver medalist. And he's like, I want to take that one down. And coach Pampa, he's cut, he's distraught.

He's not thinking it sad that you are 20 years later and you're still coaching. Hockey. And you're, you're mocking me? Are you happy with your life? I'm a lawyer, which everyone seems to mock, which is very good. That's awesome.

So yeah, he doesn't take the lesson of like, maybe I shouldn't obsess about the past because this is a very sad life you live, Coach Riley. No, he's like, I'm cut. I'm cut and we've got to beat this. And so he starts taking out that aggression on the children because they're like, they are terrible at hockey, and he's like, you suck.

Throw rocks at them and stuff? Not yet. He's just in. So this is when the first game happens. He spends the entire game just giving them a big spray. He's just like, what are you doing? Fuck you, kids. Fuck you.

I'm a shot. I said hit the, Why are you doing it? What are you doing? You suck. I hate you. And I hate you. And I'm going to strangle you, kid. That's awesome.

And to his credit, some of the kids are very annoying, especially Averman, who won't shut the fuck up. Oh, he's so annoying. He keeps making shitty quips. Oh, he's the most annoying kid. My step one, I'm cutting that kid. I don't care. Averman, you're out.

You're fucking out, Averman. I don't give a shit. You're gone. Jackson, I know you haven't seen it recently, but Averman spends the entire movie just putting on almost like radio announcer voice. Yeah. He's like, when everyone's playing hockey, he's in the bench. Like, swing, bada, bada, bada, swing, bada, bada.

Yeah, he's out. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we get him without color. I don't know. Oh, no. This is a baseball. This is a baseball. What are you doing?

He's like, hit the puck, bada, bada, bada. Oh, he's annoying. He's annoying as hell. All right. Anyway, so that happens. We get embarrassed. Well, Coach Mumbay loses 17-0. Yeah.

Second match rolls around. He's like, got a better idea. I was going to teach them all how to take a fall. Yeah, cheating. Oh, cheating! That's awesome. We'll cheat, get a win, it'll be chill. And they can't

cheat properly, so the umpires are like, We know what you're doing, stop it. We know what you're doing, stop it. Then there's a legitimate chance for Charlie, who ends up being the star kid on the team, to take a big fall and actually score. Yeah.

And he doesn't take it because he doesn't want to cheat. Yeah. Then Bombay cracks the shits. And then after the game, everyone's like, fuck you, coach. Cheating felt like shit, and we couldn't even win that way. Yeah. Okay. It's an inspirational speech from the guy who buys hockey. Everyone's like, fuck you, coach. Cheating felt like shit, and we couldn't even win that way. Yeah.

It's an inspirational speech from the guy who buys hockey shoes. Okay. Hans, who runs the skate shop who used to be his idol when he was a child. Okay. There's a lot of sadness in this movie. Once again, peewee hockey. Yeah, yeah. He's very important to Minnesota. It's interesting, though, because the team is very poor,

and that's apparent in what happens next. Coach Bombay, clearly very rich. Never buys them equipment or anything? No. It's weird because he travels around in a limousine all the time. Yeah. But presumably the law firm is paying for that. That's true.

That's part of the stipulation because he has to get a driver because he cannot drive anymore. No one trusts him. Yeah, he lost his license. Okay. All right. Anyway, so the team, District 5 at this point is still called District 5. Yeah.

And they are fucking awful. Okay. And they're poor as shit. Right. And Bombay is like, I got a good idea. So he goes to Darkworth, his boss, and he's like, hey, you want me to do well?

You want everyone to have a fair go? Give me $15,000. I'm going to buy jerseys. I'll print you a jersey and everyone's going to get equipment. And then we'll be competitors. Again, he's got a good point here because it's like, we want to try and win or you want me to teach a lesson. And it's like, fair enough, I get this, that we should be competing,

but it's unlevel playing field. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. This is not fair. These kids are strapping newspapers to their legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to level the playing field. And they are. We're a poor district.

We don't have any money. But you could be the hero, Mr. Duck. So they're not named after Duck the animal. No, they're named after Duck the guy. The lawyer. That's crazy. I didn't know that. So then Bombay

comes back to the kids, shows them the New Jersey, pitches them why ducks are good. Okay. Ducks together strong. It's basically

ducks flock, I guess. Ducks fly together. Yeah, okay. So do any birds. That's not true. That isn't true I mean most birds I think most birds go together

it's rare to get a solo bird is it? what do you mean? you see mostly birds together in this life I disagree strongly name a bird magpie you see magpies together all the time flocking together I disagree strongly. I'm like, look, yeah, you get like- Name a bird. Magpie. You see magpies together all the time.

Flocking together. Not flocking. We see one or two or three. Doing like a V together. No, but yeah. Eagles. Sometimes you see two together. Vulture.

Yeah, vultures are always just two together. You get two of most birds. Two? Two. A team of two, you say. It's a team. You get mostly two birds in this life? A team of two, you say? It's a team. You get mostly two birds in this life. Sometimes more.

Hawks, you do get one of. I wouldn't give you that. It's almost like the ducks and the hawks is like the message here. No. Well, I don't know the message. I don't remember the movie. I'm just talking birds. So Duckworth agrees.

Yep. Kids get beautiful uniforms. Bombay goes to the class and they're like, hey, look, you know what? You've got beautiful uniforms. I've been absolutely chewed out for making you cheat. I've realized the error of my ways. When I spoke to my good friend Hans, then went to Charlie's house to apologize to him and his mom. I want to fuck his mom.

Charlie kind of wants me to fuck his mom. Yeah, Charlie's like, hey, can you sort my mom out and just give her a big fuck? That's unsettling. Yes. I don't like that. Correct. Charlie's like, yeah, mom's dated a bunch of people, but once they get a look at me, they're out of here.

Probably because you were encouraging people to fuck your mom, Charlie. It's weird. We're going to have to fuck Charlie's mom. Do we have to? We have to What all three of us? I guess so Otherwise That seems to be why They get close as a coach

And Cause We form like a Stepdad relationship With Charlie Are we triple dadding in this? I feel Maybe

Before we Like look Hey Maybe I'll fuck Goldberg's mum That's fine Hey Let's not Okay

I was gonna say like Look let's keep this professional We are the children That we're their coach Oh that kid. Let's pick a kid's mom. Okay, I was going to say, look, let's keep this professional. We are the children. We're their coach. Oh, that's true. Let's also not try and, like, you know. Be all of their dads.

I'm going to fuck all of the moms. Okay. Okay. I'll fuck all the dads. I'm done. Yeah. Have fun. I'll be the coach. Everyone's going to call you the no-fuck coach.

That's fine. Oh, I think I missed the no fuck coach That's fine That's probably good In fact they are 11 and 12 This is great news for me It's actually bad that they're saying fuck at all then Correct But if I was a parent I mean I know I'm getting railed by what it was

But if I was a parent and I found out the coach was called the no fuck coach I would be happy about it I would be like that's better than the fuck coach That's honestly That's a win But that like, that's better than the fuck coach. Honestly, that's a win. But that's funny because I'm fucking the fuck coach. Yeah, you two are the fuck coaches. You're all fucking the fuck coach.

No, the parents are fucking the fuck coach. No, the parents. Guys, stop fucking each other. Fuck the parents. I was being a parent in that situation. Being like, I like the no fuck coach, but I'm fucking the fuck coach. So I guess I like fucking the fuck coach. I just like that my kids call that coach the no-fuck coach. I don't like it the kids call us the fuck coaches.

That feels like we're coaching people to fuck. Am I using the not-to-fuck? Am I like an absence coach? Yeah, that's bad too. Either way, I'm not happy that we're stopping the parents here. Let's not do this. Well, let's go back to Mighty Ducks, how the movie pans out. Then they have a proper training session in the new equipment.

They realize that, oh, hang on. Maybe this is all right. We recruit the big kid who broke all the windows in the limo. We recruit two dancers. They're pretty good. We teach Fulton, who is the big kid, the reason he never actually played hockey is because he didn't know how to skate.

We teach him how to skate by strapping on rollerblades and skating through a mall and causing so much havoc, including Fulton knocking an old lady into a fountain. Fulton shoves that old lady into a fountain. He comes back for like two seconds. He's like, sorry, And then just fucks off. That old woman is dead. She's not happy.

Guaranteed, dude. She is definitely not happy. Old people have fragile bones. Yeah. That's just the way of life. The coach, look, Coach Bombay does a pretty good job. And eventually, like, you know, he gets this like a star player that's playing for the Hawks, but he shouldn't be. So he basically puts his job on the line.

And he's like, right. Well, if looking at the district lines, he's actually't be, so he basically puts his job on the line, and he's like, right, well, looking up the district lines, he's actually not a Hawk, he's a Duck. He should be playing for a Duck. This is the laws of the Pee-wee laws, right? But that father of that kid is a good friend of Duxworth, and he's like, go select,

because again, Pee-wee, you have to understand. Yeah, I get it. It's the most important thing in the world. There's nothing that matters more than Pee-wee hockey. Yeah, so. Yeah, I get it. It's the most important thing in the world. There's nothing that matters more than pee-wee hockey. So Coach Riley and the dad go to the lawyer, Duckworth, who they're good friends, and they're like, look, there's been a misunderstanding, so we need to iron this out. This kid's going to play for the Hawks.

All you've got to do is recant your complaint, and it's all going to be diggity-boo. And then Coach Bombay is like. Okay, easy. I'm not doingay is like, Okay, easy. I'm not doing that. Yeah, no, thank you. Look, Duxworth, you taught me a very good lesson of like, if we need to win, we've got to win honestly.

And they're not playing by the rules. So I'm not doing this. I'm not going to recant. He's like, do you want to get fired for this? And he's like, do you want to fire me for this? He's like, well, you're fired. And then he just starts quacking at Mr. Duckworth. It's a great scene. And one of my personal favorites, And then he just starts quacking at Mr. Duckworth. It's a great scene.

And one of my personal favorites, where he starts being like, yes, Mr. Duckworth. Of course, Mr. Duckworth. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, Mr. Duckworth. And then Mr. Duckworth is like, Gordon, stop your quacking. Stop quacking at me, Gordon. Stop, stop. That is awesome.

And then as he walks out, he's like, you may have the Doc's jersey, but you didn't earn it. Okay. Anyway, so he walks out, he's like, you may have the Doc's jersey, but you didn't earn it. Okay. Anyway. He's got his ass. So he gets fired, and then he can focus far more on peewee hockey at this point. Because I'm guessing now it pays more. Yeah.

Yeah. It's paying more than his lawyer job. Sure. Well, I mean, look. Jumping forward into movies that aren't the first Mighty Ducks. Yes. They do. Once again.

If peewee hockey is the greatest, most important thing in the world. Because again, it is, I don't want to get into the issue of like, you know, District 5, but now that the Ducks,

they're making money, they're selling jerseys. Hands over foot, maybe. Rich. Yeah. That's rich. I guess.

And Bombay uses his successful coaching career to get a position in the minor leagues, which is like, the level just below the NHL. Okay. What a career trajectory, dude. After not playing hockey for like 15 years. He was a star.

Yeah. At 11 years old, still a star. Still counts. He knew it all. He kept up here. Yeah. He's an incredible player. Kept it in the noggin, dude.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. So Adam Banks joins the Ducks. Everyone's like, fuck this guy.

But then they're like, actually, he's all right. Yeah, he's all right. Team comes together. They get better and better. They make the playoffs. They just needed to win a couple of games at the start. Then they get the confidence. Well, also because you just need bottom two of the other ones

that don't make playoffs. I see, I see. Even though it's, once again, the most important thing ever. It's very easy to get into playoffs. One team got wiped out by the flu. Whoa. Or measles, sorry. Yeah, measles.

Okay, got them. So they just had to beat one team to make the playoffs, which they did. Then in the playoffs, just a dominant run. Lots of set plays. He teaches them the triple dig. He teaches them the flying V. A lot of this we actually don't see because it's a bit of a surprise when they just do it on the field

they're like this wasn't set up at all the final match is against the Hawks and they play dirty and they put Adam Banks in hospital they're like that god damn traitor how dare he play for the Ducks

even though it's really not his choice. Not his choice at all. He is a child. He is 11 years old. But don't worry. We have our 17-year-old that can knock that boy out like that. You've got to have a big kid. That is true.

Also, I guess the team at points of the movie hate Bombay because they find out he used to be a hawk. But then with the new district lines, he's actually, he's like, he's like, hey, I would have been a dog. Okay. They also overhear like a speech where he's given Riley, but like Bombay's being very sarcastic. But once again, they are 11 years old. They don't fully understand.

He's like, yeah, winning's everything. I'd rather not be alive than win. They're a bunch of losers. You're right. Yeah, they suck definitely. Winning is everything. And they're like, he hates us. I don't even think Bombay is meant to be 30 in this yet. Well, there you go. His brain's not fully formed

yet either. Mighty Ducks comes out in 92. And he won. He's a lawyer. He came second in 73. So if you assumed that he's 11 or 12 years old In 73

Oh actually maybe he would have been How old is Coach Bombay In the Mighty Ducks Yeah that's good I think so Yeah dude Yeah it's good Everybody's got their little machine out

I'm machine-less All I've got is my expired pineapple burritos He's 30 I think Yeah he's 30 Okay so his brain's fully formed Just Just finished Oh, he was... 30, I think. Yeah, he's 30. Okay, so his brain's fully formed. Just. Just. Just finished plumping up.

I thought he was 30, because it's like, it's a big 30 and zero, because he's talking about the cases, but does this also mean that he's also 30 years old? Well, I guess it makes sense, because, yeah,

if this movie's set in the year it came out, 92, he was 11 when he participated in the 1973... Fuck up! Whoa! Be nice to him, dude. in the 1973. Fuck up. Whoa. Be nice to him, dude. No, dude.

Fuck him. Should have made that shot. Anyway, comes down to a penalty against the Hawks. Charlie has exactly the same move as Bombay, but he nails it. Okay. And then everyone goes fucking ape shit. Yeah, because Charlie, he got taught the triple, one triple deke. We don't see this, but it was very good to be like,

Charlie, we'll do the triple dick. And it's like it's been set up the whole film. And it's so funny. You don't see it, but there's like a very big conversation about exactly that in the diner. And then they talk about it one more time. There's a lot that happens clearly off camera yeah okay

fair enough which kind of needs to because they kind of blitz through a lot of training very quickly it does seem like sometimes I'm like was that just one

training session but clearly it's not I'm assuming it's a montage it's not played like one but let's assume it is okay it's also a weird movie if you do revisit it

I like it a lot but it follows Bombay a lot which means that at points it doesn't feel like a kids movie but then the kids are fucking goofballs yeah yeah I feel like I'm fucking yeah so we're going to do I will I'm saying we got it we got it we've got these a bunch of ragtag kids and we're going to teach how to play hockey now what's going our favor is actually a very good working as a teammate.

Okay. As a team, sorry. Because they initially, they follow a – well, first off, they get a can of chili, and then they feed this to a dog. And then they follow that dog around so that it shits in a handbag. Right. And then they put on the side of the street, and then they put a dollar, flapping out there to see who can pick it up to pick up the shit purse.

And they do this incredibly well. There's no cameras involved. This is pre-YouTube. They are doing this for love of the game. Can we maybe put hockey to the side and focus in on this? If you want. I think yes. I think we can start Jackass.

But with children? Yeah. This might get us into more trouble. We've got to wait until there may be- Also, it's community service. Who's signing off on child Jackass? Yeah. I think if I say the words child Jackass in a court,

I will be sent to jail. Yes. Given the chance. Fair enough. And then the person who opens up the shit purse is very angry, but then sees the kids and then chases them. And then they escape. And again, there's a bit of teamwork and everything.

They work well together. So they already are a pretty tight-knit team. Working against us is I don't know the rules of hockey. Well, it seems to be like neither does peewee hockey. It's just kind of anything goes. It feels that way to be like, look, I don't know how. I can ice skate. Yeah.

I don't know if I can do a row. I can't ice skate well enough to play ice hockey, which is very upsetting. Does that mean you're going to be walking out on the field slipping and sliding? The children won't respect you, dude. I'll skate on normally. Skis. Skis. Anything goes. Anything goes.

Anything goes. It's good if you do the whole coaching in the limousine. Just on the ice the whole time. Yeah. It's good if the limousine just has no traction. You're just sliding in there. All right, kids. Cleaning up all the opposition.

We did it. That was easy. I've just put a whole team in hospital, but we won, so winning's winning. Anything goes. So yeah, the thing working against us is we don't know hockey,

but we do know some sport. And I think just by that alone, and we've got to assume that maybe we also fucked up the 1973 penalty shootout. We fucked up by not learning how to play hockey. By not learning how to play hockey in the slide. We got the penalty in 1973,

and we're like, oh no, I never learned how to play. I Not learning how to play hockey in this light. We got the penalty in 1973. Why? Oh, no. I never learned how to play. I've just been hanging out ice skating quietly to the side. So, again, this happens in the film. I don't know if this actually rules the hockey, but it's like there's a penalty, which means anyone on your team or anyone on the ice can take it.

And for some reason, 1973, Coach Rye looks at the three of us and he's like, the three of you do it. We're just like, one with three boys. It's also funny to imagine I'm just sitting in the crowd watching. And penalty shot, Jackson. Huh? I don't even have skates. I mean, I'm done.

Oh, all right. Oh, my God. And then you go to take the shot. You swing. You miss the buck and tile. You fall over. Your pants fall down. Your ass comes out.

My ass cheeks land on the hockey rink. But, like, you know when you lick a cold pole or whatever? Both ass cheeks get fused to the ice. Why was his ass wet? I don't understand. All right, Jackson, you missed the penalty shot. Stand up. Oh, God.

My ass is stuck to the ice. Like a spatula having to get your ass cheeks off the ice. This would never have happened if I kept eating a hot dog in my wet seat. Oh, boy. Why is your ass so wet? I'm not even on the team. You've embarrassed the Hawks and yourself. I was just sitting in a pot of heat.

No, I thought. And your dad's dead and he hates you. This is the worst day of my life. Just sitting there in a damp seat, empty seat next to you. This was reserved for my dead dad. There's two little ass patches on the ice of my skin. Okay, and coming up next to take this probably by the hawks is the saddest little boy that we could find in the stands.

Why would you do that? This boy's dad died recently and hates him. If he doesn't get this shot, I reckon his dad, who is dead and looking down at him from heaven, will be very disappointed if he misses this. And then the coach from the sidelines, hey, kid, just remember, if you miss this, your dad's gonna go to hell!

My ass is wet. Is that a problem? Not unless you fall over! Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Whoa! Um, I'm gonna leave two ass prints when I sit up. And that's good, because two bloody skin patches.

Are you, do you not have skin On your ass now sir? That is correct Yes Please take me To the hospital I need big bandages For my very sore ass

Arseless Coach Jackson Both the whole meat Of my cheeks Is left behind I got a concave ass now I will not be sitting For the remainder of this We like to call him Jackson Mosey my cheeks is left behind. I got a concave ass now. I will not be sitting for the remainder of this. We like to call him Jackson Nosey.

I gotta stand. I like the idea of like going down to the ice rink and rather than like looking at the goals and reminiscing about missing, just looking at the two patches of ass still on the rink. Still can't do red stains. That's where my ass last was. Last time I saw my ass Was right there kids

Everybody's ass dry You gotta have a dry ass Before you get in the rink Okay You won't believe It's a freak accident It can happen It happens at least once

Every 20 years See how my ass goes in Instead of out That's what'll happen to you Okay Dry your freaking cheeks The idea of like the kids Cause in Once every 20 years. See how my ass goes in instead of out there. That's what will happen to you, okay? Dry your freaking cheeks. The idea of the kids, because in The Mighty Ducks, the kids find a newspaper clipping on a wall in Hans' shop where it's like.

The little boy Bombay cooked it. Yeah. Hawks lose. Bombay to blame. It's also funny because he takes a penalty at the end of the third period and then goes into overtime. Yeah, they lose it in overtime. He had the game on the stick.

He could have won it. He blames himself. He shouldn't, but he does. No. Also, like, again, the coach sucks. Yeah, Coach Riley sucks. Riley, he's been teaching peewee hockey. For 20 years.

20 years, and presumably before that as well. Yeah. Yeah. So is this in the scenario the kids go into Hans store and they see Hawks lose game Jackson loses ass yeah

like oh my god is this you coach? yeah yeah I don't want to talk about it obviously yeah I mean what do you

yes I don't have an ass of the kids what are you talking about you dog who do you think what are you talking come on you used to play for the Hawks

fuck you kids I lost my fucking ass cheeks. Don't come for me. I wasn't playing for the Hawks. I was hitting the crowd. I was sitting in a puddle eating a hot dog. I was playing for no one, okay? That was like the most fucked up thing that ever happened to me.

My dad died weeks ago. Weeks ago, and I was just trying to eat a hot dog and enjoy a fucking hockey game. And they made me come and hit the penalty, and then I fell on my ass and lost the meat of my cheeks. Kids, what are you doing bringing it in my face? Hawks, ducks, it doesn't matter. Just be thankful you got ass cheeks. Jesus Christ. Anyway, we got a game to win.

Game to win or whatever. God damn it, kids. So, I think, yeah, it's coaching the District 5. Yes. Would I do a better job? Or would we do a better job than Coach Bombay? Well, it's tricky. I don't know I would care enough. Yeah, that is tricky. Well, that's his

thing at the start, is he doesn't give a shit. But I don't think Zabit will ever give a shit. Yeah. I mean, I might be more of like, because again, Coach Bombay learns to be, it's not just about winning. Yeah. It's about having fun. But I think I would be there and I would stay there of like, let's have fun with this. Oh, okay.

And I just don't think they would ever learn the lesson that, you know, you got to try and win as well. Would you get them new uniforms or anything? I would be like, well, yeah. Oh, that's good. That's the kind of thing like, okay, first off, I wouldn't necessarily drive my limousine or get the driver to drive limousine

onto the ice. I would be like, don't, okay, hey, Mr. Limo driver, don't drive onto the ice. I'm scared of drowning. What if we fall in? And then it refreezes

and then we're frozen in a limousine and then in 10,000 years they thaw us out and all of our relatives are dead but they have the science, so we stayed alive. And we're the fanciest guys in the future.

Holy shit. Who are these guys? Mr. Lemon Driver, you've convinced me. Under the ice. By then, I still have 499 hours of community service to hold up. Okay, Mr. Lemon Driver, you might have convinced me. Don't go under the ice. And then after that, I don't know how community service works anymore,

and I've got a fancy suit, but no one knows what's going on and won't tell me where anything is. It's like instead of the three of us doing it together, we've got diverging timelines. Me, arseless, Zamit, Dewey the Future Mighty, an unfrozen caveman in the year 4040. Hockey's played in space now. How do I get into space?

You've got to tell me these things. Right. I think I'm just in charge of like normal. Do we drive to space? Drive to space? What are you, fucked? I was frozen. He nods to me.

Nobody's gone through what I've been through Is it a flying sitch? A flying sitch? Yeah, I'm just wondering, do we fly up to space? No How do we get We don't walk We take a boat, fuckhead

A boat Yeah, a boat to space Now, you eat this pill and take a boat Now, boat Those are the Like a boat. Now, boat. Those are like a vehicle in water, yeah? What the hell is water? Oh, my God. Okay, okay.

Where are you from? 1992? Sounds fucked. 1990 fucked in the head. Can we circle back to you asked me what water was? Eat your pill. Get in a boat, go to space, train that team. The Hawks have won for the last 3,000 years.

Okay, quick question. What is a boat? I don't know how to explain this to you. It's the most obvious thing in the world. You know, fucking paddles, rowboat, huh? When you take the pill, you'll understand. So it is the thing on water. In my mind, the pill is as big as your palm.

I don't know if I can swallow this. Swallow it? I hate the future quite a bit. Is it a suppository? No. I hope that no one else- It goes in your eye, idiot. I hope that no one else ever gets unfrozen.

Talking to you has wrecked my entire life. Ow! You're doing it wrong. If you do it right, it doesn't hurt. What do you mean? Please help me. No one's kind. No, I wouldn't drive onto the ice.

That's probably smart. You don't want to go to the future. And then... Be the fanciest man in 4040. They'd be like, alright, well, let's do some drills. Let's see how you're performing yeah you're like oh yeah dog shit okay and uh all right well where is your uniform okay okay dog shit oh boy we've got some uh okay who wants to be here first oh that's a good idea cut down the team oh yeah well first i'm like okay okay what do we all want to get out of this oh yeah because look i'm here for the next 5 000 hours or whatever 500 500 hours or whatever Cut down the team. Yeah. First, I'm like, okay, what do we all want to get out of this? Oh, yeah.

Because, look, I'm here for the next 5,000 hours or whatever I need to do. 500. 500 hours or whatever I need to do. Which actually isn't. No, no, that's actually quite a bit. That's a lot of community service. I guess he was drunk driving. It's a full-time job, right?

Yeah. He basically does coaching the whole. Absolutely. What's 20 days? 20.88 days. He does all this in 20 days? Christ, this movie rules. No, no, no, no, no.

That's if it was 24 hours. Oh, okay. 500 divided by... So it's like, it's four hours a day, right? Yeah, okay. Because they're doing it after school. Yeah. So it's a third of the year.

Okay, okay, okay. That's decent. All right, all right. So eight hours a day for 167 days. I wouldn't even be eight hours before that. Yeah. Because after school. Yeah.

So yeah, double that. Unless you're having the kids until like midnight. He does have, he goes to the school a couple of times. Yeah. It's not like it's not a school hockey team. That's true. It's an art extracurricular. It's after school.

Okay. So first off, yeah, it'd be like, okay, well, what is, you find out what everyone needs. Yeah. And I get one of the biggest problems is that, well, first off, they have the shittest equipment. Yeah. And also, our goalie is afraid of getting hit by a puck. Yeah. Okay.

And we need to address both of these. So first off, he's like, all right, well, we need to get you guys some gear. Yeah. And so, look, Coach Bombay, very smart. He goes to, like, Duckworth, lawyer, and he's like, we need money. And he gets that kind of sponsorship. I would have been like sausage sizzle. Okay.

Sausage sizzle. On the ice. On the ice at the barbecue. Become the only man in the future with a sausage. Why does this keep happening? I just wanted to help. Why do I keep getting a pill in my eye? And I'm being yelled at to get into a boat.

And I ask what a boat is. And they can't tell me. They say, what do you mean? I ask, is it the one that goes on the water? They look confused and disgusted. They yell at me further. And I say, what are you talking about? Okay, I'll just get on the boat.

Which one's that? And they describe a rowboat. They say the one with the paddles. That can't be right. Do they have a different Word for water I don't know I just don't know anymore

They seem really angry Off being defrosted They just want me To stay in the island I don't understand I'll go back in the ice If that's what they want It's better than this

The hawks apparently Won for the last Like two thousand Three thousand years Or whatever the fuck we are That's It's fucked up That they keep records That long Anyway The Hawks apparently won for the last 2,000, 3,000 years or whatever the fuck we are. It's fucked up that they keep records that long. Anyway, they still kept records that I can't do an extra 499 hours of community service.

I would have thought that would have been wiped out at least 100 years ago, maybe. Surely I'm technically dead at this point. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. He stormed me out and they were like, you're Bombay? And I went, yeah. You I'm technically dead at this point. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. He stormed me out and they were like, you, Bombay? And I went, yeah. You've got hours to do. What?

Take this pill. Coach the ducks. Give us your sausage. It needs to be studied. I'm away with the ducks. How did you contain meat like this? What's this? What's it made of?

Why do you have this? Is it a weapon? No, it's a sausage It's got meat It's like ground minced meat Meat comes in cubes, you idiot Yeah, yeah I've never seen tube meat before

I'm deeply suspicious You get a mincer and you put the meat in And you add fat to that Like the fat of the animal You know the animal? Like usually pork, like a pig. What is the casing of this tube of meat? Sometimes it's intestine.

Of the pig. The only sausage in the world. They forgot sausage technology. That's really cool. They remembered the word for sausage. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, but forgot water. I just don't think, in my mind, water was no longer relevant. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, but forgot water. I just don't think

in my mind water was no longer relevant. There was no water left. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, it's a grim future. It is a grim future. Yeah, so make sure you don't have that

sausage as well. I would never. Well, I suppose you could get fundraising, right? You could fundraise enough money for maybe not the best uniform, but like one that

And also, I'm good friends with Hans. Yeah? Oh, Hans. The guy Hans Zoll. The guy who runs the... Chewbacca. Luke Skywalker. Leo.

Friends with all of them. In a way, you really like a movie. I guess they're friends with their character. I guess that's the appeal of that on 90s television show Friends, actually. Because you watch enough of it and it feels like the friends in Friends are your friends. But you're not part of any conversation. No.

You're sort of a horrible ghost at the feast. Some kind of, yeah, like a parasocial relationship. Yeah, ghoulishly watching them live their lives. You watch people, and they detain you. You yearn to be even gunther. Just to have a little bit of taste of the little morsel of that friendship. That would be the dream. Watching them from the central perk being like,

drink up, my good friends. One day I will kill one of you and take your skin. And I will be Joey. Probably Ross, because I reckon I could fit inside that skin suit. No, Ross is huge, dude. Yeah, Ross is a big man. No, if I stole Ross's skin, I'd be loose in there. You would be.

It would be obvious I wasn't Ross. You'd be like a snake in a bag. And then the problem there is you'd be Ross. there. It would be. It would be obvious I wasn't You'd be like a snake in a bag. And then the problem there is you'd be Ross. Yeah, that's true. The worst of the friends. Rachel! Hey everybody, I'm Ross! I love Ross! I've got a key! I like

dinosaurs and fucking my students! I kissed my, fucked my cousin! Could you be any looser in your skin, Ross? Could you be any more like a snake in a bag? Uh-oh, Chandler. That's a classic Chandler bit. I think I'm nailing it. I don't think they realize.

Yes, yes, yes, Ross. We all know you like the fuck your students. I love seeing my friends. Anyways. Yeah, so I think, yeah, yes, Ross. We all know you like the fuck your students at the bar. I love seeing my friends. Anyways. Yeah, so I think, yeah, being friends with the hands, I'd be like, oh, yeah, look, hey, can you donate some stuff? Smart. And like, yeah, so that way I probably wouldn't be, yeah,

indebted to Duck. Yeah. I guess we're not called ducks. No. No, no, no. You're called the Hans. District fives? No, district five, but we're playing the Hawks. What's a, no. You called the horns. District fives? No, district five,

but we're playing the hawks. What's a hawk's worst enemy? Snake. Guns? The mighty guns. I was like, well, yeah, what takes on a hawk? Well, sometimes. Mongoose? Poachers? What's the enemy of a hawk? Global warming.

Plane engines. Plane engines? The mighty plane engines. Although if there's enough birds, sometimes they win. Ah, hawks often get attacked and can be eaten by hawks that are larger. Eagles, elves, raccoons, foxes, and snakes. The mighty larger hawks. Now, I like the idea of calling us the snakes. Snakes, foxes, or raccoons, all great.

But the first one was a larger hawk, and my research is that. On the psychological front, I think that's great. Because the hawks, by virtue of you being the larger hawks, are the smaller hawks. Exactly. So we've got the hawks and district larger hawks. Keep it district.

It sounds cool. District larger hawk. And then it's funny for the kids to be like, fuck you. You used to play for the hawks. You'll cool. District larger hawk. And then it's funny for the kids to be like, fuck you. You used to play for the Hawks. You'll never be a larger hawk. Well, if you redrew the lines, you would find that I would actually have been a district larger hawk. Whoa.

I trust you now. We respect you now. I know you do. Charlie and Fulton were right this whole time. Yeah. Also, I'm not trying to sleep with Charlie's mom. I'm just not doing that. That's fair. I'd just be like, I understand. Charlie's mum. I'm just not doing that. That's fair.

I'd just be like, I understand. Charlie's cut. Yeah, that's fine. He's doing a lot of this. Hmm, I wish someone would fuck my mum. My mum needs a good going over.

I'm your coach. I don't care who does it, dude. Okay. Someone's just got to get in. Well, I've got two very handsome friends. One who lacks an arse cheeks. He has an arse hole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other, we have yet to hear their plan and what mystery happens to them. Yeah, I think what Coach Bombay does for Goldberg is very good. He ties him up to the goals and then he puts him in all the pads

and they all just take pot shots at him. Because then he realises that with the new equipment it doesn't actually hurt. So he shouldn't fear the puck. I think we do the same thing but we just shoot him with BB guns. This is the worst pain.

A puck's like nothing compared to this. What about if we just walk up to him and just start punching and kicking him? Okay, I feel we can't do that. Yeah. Well, we can tell the kids to, though. Yeah. But that also feels that maybe Goldberg won't trust us.

What if you get the kid? What about this? Okay, we set it up like this. What's the kid's name? Goldberg. Goldberg. We say, Goldberg, there's a gift for you out on the ice. He goes you get the kid? What about this? Okay, we set it up like this. What's the kid's name? Goldberg. Goldberg. We say, Goldberg, there's a gift for you out on the ice. He goes out on the ice, but we've also let like a moose or something.

A moose will kill him. Not if he's in the proper gear. I'm just watching Goldberg get killed by a moose. I'm like, oh. Don't get up. We weren't here. Don't. Just stay dead, Goldberg.

If you attempt to get up, that moose will kick the shit out of you. I don't know how to get this moose out. Oh, no. Goldberg's airborne. Oh, my God. He's slamming into the ice. Okay. I'm going to real jail.

I don't think community service will get me out of this one. They're sending my ass to Sing Sing. Yeah. So, I guess we've got to get him over the fear of getting hit by a hockey puck. A moose, not a good idea. Fair enough. Maybe not the best idea, but we'll put that in the table. Pin in it.

Yeah. Put a pin in it. I still think it's maybe because, again, he's not afraid of mooses. Yeah. He's afraid of hockey pucks. Well, I was thinking of giving him a worse pain. But then he doesn't know that, though. Then he's just scared. Yeah. You make his problem worse. He hasn't been hit by the hockey puck But then he doesn't know that though. Then he's just scared.

Yeah. You make his problem worse. He hasn't been hit by a hockey puck. Okay, yeah. He doesn't know that like a hockey because he might think

wow, hey that moose that kicked me in the head was very bad. Hockey puck will be worse. Hockey puck surely will be worse. It'll be better. It's all her fault.

I hate you, Colbert. I'm going to get a moose for you and this is how you repay me? Yeah, I was getting a moose into a rink, and then getting it out of the rink. Oh, my God. Do you know how many times I got kicked in the head? Six, seven.

Like 20, dude. I'm in real trouble. This is very painful. So I guess, okay, we've got to keep teaching him. Any of these would be great. It is funny that they do teach him not to fear the park since a kid and his team gets concussed from a park. Yeah.

They're dense as almond. Fallen almost kills the kid. That's so scary. Yeah. He's an annoying kid, though, so. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, it's Cotton Averman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I assumed Averman was gone. He's gone. Day one, whatever. We don't need that. The moment he's like, swing, batter, batter. I'm like, Averman? You're cut. Yeah, I'm so sorry dude but this here is that this is a working yeah I think it's Mighty Ducks he becomes a cowboy or a different guy that's a different guy maybe I don't know but no yeah someone gets like less

oh yeah I don't know if it was a them and it does it either way I don't know. Because he does nothing in this movie. Yeah. Someone gets lassoed in D2. But I don't know if it was Avon that does it. Either way, I don't know that in the future. He getting cut. Yeah. Are you recruiting Fulton? Yeah. Okay.

Because I get, you know, we're driving around and then like a hockey puck just goes through our window. We're like, holy shit, what the hell happened here? I think someone's trying to send me a message. Yeah. I look out and it is Fulton. The more purposeful. And it'd be like, oh, did you do that I think someone's trying to send me a message. Yeah. I look at it. And he's full of it. The more hoppers come for me. And he'll be like, oh, did you do that?

And he's like, yeah. I'm like, so the rumor is that you can't play hockey. What's going on? And he has an awesome line when Bombay asked him that. He says something along the lines of, a lot of people talk and doesn't mean nothing. Yeah, that's awesome. And so I'm like, so what do you need? I just got to learn.

I got to teach this kid how to skate. Yeah, that's awesome. And so I'm like, so what do you need? I just got to learn. I got to teach this kid how to skate. Yeah, okay. That's easy. I'm not sending him through a crowded shopping mall. Okay, well, how would you teach him to skate? At an ice rink. At an ice rink, maybe. Yeah, that makes sense.

Or, again, because he uses rollerblades. Rollerblade, like, in a controlled environment where he can't knock over a little old lady. Into a fountain. Into a fountain. Or, first off, as he's on his own, he just goes downstairs, which seems dangerous. He does it accidentally.

He does it accidentally, yes. But still, he's in a situation, an environment, where there is a chance that it could happen, and it does. Yeah, okay. So I wouldn't be doing that. No, that's fair. In a controlled environment. Although, did he learn to skate better because he did that?

Maybe you've got to push him down heaps of stairs. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not an expert. Look, I'm not an expert either. I don't know how many times it's good to push a kid downstairs before they learn how to play hockey. I think zero.

Fair enough. Controversial opinion. Yeah, that actually, I'm distancing myself from that one. Yeah, also, again, I'm doing community service, and I feel if they're like, so you instructed a child to skate on rollerblades downstairs, and I went, yeah, big time. You know it. And I'd do it again. Yeah, big time. You know it.

And I do it again. Yeah, in fact, I'm gonna. Yeah. Because I don't think I've found this. Sorry, I've gone deaf. Yes, I've gone deaf for some reason. And I cannot speak English. Where are my ears? I've lost them in a terrible accident.

I'm going to have to go find a new lawyer for you to defend you in the I didn't push kids down the stairs. I don't know what's going on. So yeah, I wouldn't do that. Would you get figure skaters? I think, yeah. I think that's a great idea. I'm trying to think

if there's anyone else that's sort of like in a similar vein that would be good to recruit. And also, again, wouldn't cheat game two because I don't think I'd care enough.

Yeah, that's fair. Also, teaching kids how to cheat is weird and hard to do. I sort of feel like... Weird as in, like, weird as in, like, it just feels like a strange step. Not as in, like, weird as in, like, whoa, kids cheating's wrong. They're going to cheat by themselves anyway.

Oh, yeah. If I see one of them cheating and they look at me for approval, I just do, like, a... Yeah. A little short head nod and be like... Could you just run the clock On this community service Yeah I reckon I could run the clock

Pretty easily Whatever kids But again I think there was that empathy You'd feel Because like Ah They do

They're good Look they're here for a reason They want to play hockey And they do Seem to like hockey And they're good friends with each other Except for Averman you cut Yeah

And it does suck that they don't have the right equipment they don't have the right uniform so I'm like look after them but I'm not going to teach them

that winning is everything which is what I don't need to learn that lesson I'm a podcaster I learned that lesson we know it or we wouldn't be here

come on now Tonya finish doesn't mean shit you can come in yeah yeah yeah, yeah. We don't need bronze. No. No, buddy.

Woo. Medals are heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather return to my country of origin disgrace. Yeah, yeah. I got the shot put. I spun around.

I just kept spinning. Yeah. Fell over. Donked myself. Pants fell down, ass out. Went to stand up, fell over again, ass torn off. Ass stuck to the ground somehow. Yeah.

I fell on a pair of upside-down cleats. My shoes slipped off, flipped upside down. Then I landed on it and got dots, red dots in my ass. Cheeks just bleed. And I'm like, I... I don't actually know if I can be blamed for this. See, I don't think I'd care enough about, I just would not care enough about peewee hockey to cheat kids. So already I'm on a better footing than Coach Bombay here.

And I guess it would just, yeah, the same kind of beats to be like, all right, well, we've got A bit of uniforms And let's like Teach some other things I don't necessarily know How to like Play hockey that well Yeah

Coach Bombay does like I probably research How to play hockey And hockey like Yeah yeah Tips and tricks In terms of other I would go

Maybe speak to some of my friends I'm like hey You've played What did you do Hans Hans You know hockey I don't

You teach these freaking kids I'll work in your shop you son of my community service you teach the kids do a sort of parent not a parent trial

but freaky Friday that's a bad idea just to kind of offload it to him but getting some advice to be like okay yeah

and presumably you did unless you got called from the stands you had lessons in pee wee hockey that you could learn from. Because he does the whole egg thing where he passes an egg to each other. That's smart.

Which I'm assuming he learned. He got taught that. Soft hands. Yeah. I kind of just run through that. He does other things where they're throwing a gridiron ball to each other. They teach him passing and teamwork and all that kind of thing. That's good stuff.

And so not knowing a whole lot about hockey, I think we're kind of working in our benefit here. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess, I mean, look, when it comes down to it, if you were coaching an 11-year-old team of any sport, even if you don't know how to play the sport, you'd be able to figure out training drills pretty easily. Oh, 100%.

And again, it'd be like, let's have fun. Focus on fun. Yeah. Because I don't care that the shot that I missed when I was 11. You've probably forgotten it happened. I was like, oh yeah,

that was the year my dad died and I was sad. You remember your dad dying, but maybe not this year. You find that. Yeah, look, Coach Bombay kind of, he marries those two scenarios because one, I guess traumatic

that his dad passed away and two, his asshole coach was like, it's your fault that you missed this and your dad is dead. It's funny to imagine you who doesn't care. A boy with an alive dad would have made that shot. Yeah. A live dad does help a boy.

And again, I think coach is like, yeah, if you get this shot, your dad's going to be proud. So really really that coach is a piece of shit yeah um but yeah i think i'm pretty comfortable in myself to be right i am gonna coach these you know peewee kids and i'm gonna you're still here yeah holy shit you would be i would you even make fun of him or would you just be like that's depressing i would yeah no you make fun of him with comments like that yeah be like you'd be like, oh, dude, you're still the coach of a peewee hockey team.

That's depressing. I don't know. I'd be like, what? Yeah. That's depressing, dude. Your life makes me sad. Yeah. I don't think.

So I missed that shot when I was 11, apparently. I don't remember it. I went on to be a lawyer. I'm a lawyer right now. You missed the shot of life. Fuck. You can't go back now, dude. You realize that.

This is it. Do you even like what you do? I was 11 and you coached me. And now I'm 30 and I'm coaching. And how long were you doing it before you coached me? This is all your life's been. Was it 40 or something? Are you like what?

Nearing your 70s now? Dude. That's so sad. You should have just fucking gone and worked in a factory or something. I lost both ass cheeks on the ice. And this is more embarrassing. Yeah, I don't think I'd be, I would just be more of a, I think he would understand because he'd be like,

oh, you're still here. I would, again, foot in mouth disease here because I'd be like, oh, I said something embarrassing. I didn't mean to because I would be like in my head, oh my God, he's still here. How the hell is he still teaching peewee hockey? And how is he not dead, I think? What happened to this man's life that we are now?

I had to be here because I was drink driving. Is he here by choice? What did he do? What went wrong? 30, 40 years ago for him. Is it like multiple year community service? Is he a fucking drunk? Why is he teaching?

I would be worried about that man. Me too. And I'd be just like, how are you? Because obviously my first assumption would be that maybe this is not something he does full time. So I'd be like, so what do you do? And he'd be like, I teach peewee hockey. And I'd be like, oh!

That's awesome! That's really cool. Oh. So that's made me sad. Oh, yeah. And so when they're in school, is it part of a school? Do you work for the school? Are you like a gym teacher, basically?

No. Do you have a wife? Husband? That's a awesome question to ask someone. Hey, nice. Do you have a wife? Yeah. There'd's a awesome question to ask someone. Hey, nice. Do you have a wife? Yeah. There'd be a lot of

quick glances to his hand to see if he's wearing a ring to be like, how's your life? Are you happy, dude? If you're happy. Good for you, bud. Yeah, you...

I think it's... The Coach Riley situation is very much like if you're happy, you shouldn't be situation. Yeah. But you're doing... Okay. So just... So during the school day, you shouldn't be situation. Yeah. But you're doing, okay.

So during the school day, you just hang out? Hang out at the rink? Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. I think in that situation, it's almost good to lose, just to be like, I don't care. Yeah, you need this way more than me. To be honest, it might come to that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, all right, kids, let's have fun. They need this man. I just met the saddest man, kids. Hey, kids, we need to win more than anything this week. Their coach makes me so sad. And I'm hoping if we beat him, he quits and he's free now. This is the service we're doing to him. Don't go too hard.

He might kill himself You've got to toe that line Let's be good And so then if we win It's like, oh, a formidable opponent But he sort of got a victory And so again, I know how you look We haven't trained well

And you're going to wipe the floor with us And they're going to gloat And just pretend like we're cut And this isn't sad Yeah, yeah you're going to wipe the floor with us, and they're going to gloat and just pretend like we're cut, and this isn't sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a kind thing to do. Oh, Dodds. Oh, damn it.

Rad apple. Get Averman back. Get Averman back. He can make some scathing, annoying commentary. Yeah, see. We lost. Oh, well. Averman, you got something quippy to say, right?

Oh, gee. The Hawks, I guess, had their wings trimmed today here at the rink. And Charlie, what a shot. Fuck, I hate this kid. We'll cut again, Avery. No, I shouldn't. Yes, sirree, sir.

God, I know I shouldn't say it out loud, but God, I hate this kid. Kid, you suck. You're the worst. I have a mistake. And you play for the Hawks? Hey! Hey, Riley! You want this guy? Hey, you suck. You're the worst. I have a mistake. Can you play for the Hawks? Hey!

Hey, Riley! You want this guy? Hey, new coach. It's me, Averman, and... He's your fucking problem now. He might need a new player. Huh? Huh?

No, wait. If he takes Averman, that might push him over. Averman, you back on the team! Hey! And you're cut. Ah, gee, coach. That's not the first time I've heard that today. Hey! I know. It's like the team. Hey. And you're cut. Gee, coach, that's not the first time I've heard that today. Hey.

I know. It's like the second. I know. I'm here too. But yeah, I guess like my way of just dealing with the situation is like I would not be ashamed of a game I lost when I was 11. Yeah. That's fair.

I don't think anyone is or should be. I would be talking so much shit about Coach Riley behind his back. Oh, yeah. Poison the kids against him. It would be awesome. It would be so awesome. If I saw someone that coached me when I was 11 coaching against me when I'm in my 30s.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. And you're coaching an 11-year-old team because of a crime you did. Yeah. Drink driving is way more awesome than being passionate about something. 11-year-old team because of a crime you did. Drink driving is way more awesome than being passionate about something. You're coaching this team as a punishment.

He's there by choice. He used to be a lawyer. I think you're just like, it's like when you go to a high school reunion, you know? You're just like, whatever, dude. How you doing? Real estate. Oh, cool.

They don't really care. You know, like that's the greatest victory over Riley is the fact that his life has become pretty insignificant to you in your 30s. Yeah. You don't think about him, but you get the impression he thinks about you all the time. Yeah. And he does. Yeah, that's sad.

Because he sees the flag. He's like, that one's not a winner. That's a loser. It's a silver loser medal. That's what that is. Oh, Dan. He's like, I have to ask them to take that down every time. Which means that he doesn't even have the power to take it down.

That's even funnier. Oh, man. That's so sad. Unless he was making a joke or a jab at me. Yeah, maybe. He could have been. I don't know. But I like to assume that it's not.

But I don't even think I would be upset with him or depressed by him. It would be like meeting a stranger. Like water off a duck's back. Water off a bigger hawk's back. I would try really hard to get him to Gattaca himself. Maybe if you take that flag into a furnace, it'll turn gold and turn runner-up into premiership while you set yourself on fire, Coach Riley.

I'm trying to help you. You'll be free then. This is good for you. I'll go start the fires. This is going to free you. It sounds like it'll kill me. Yes, but it's what you need. I think it's what

you should need. Look in our mirror. Think about what you should need. Look in a mirror. Think about what you've done. Nothing. You've wasted your whole life. Could you do something where you like you see the coach, right? You're like, oh, I feel bad.

Is there like a service you can get to like, it's like a therapist, but like a life coach, but like a sneaky life coach. He doesn't realize what's going on, but some like a therapist, but like a life coach, but like a sneaky life coach. So it's kind of like he doesn't realize. Yeah, he doesn't realize what's going on, but some like a chance meeting so that we can kind of be like, please help this old man.

I guess I might. He needs life socks. You need to hire, for that, it sounds like you need to hire Nathan Fielder. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I would, I think, go up to him and be like, do you want to grab like lunch or something?

Lunch, coffee, beer, drink or something? That's much nicer than my option. do you want to grab do you want to grab lunch or something lunch coffee beer drink or something that's much nicer than my option do you want to go set yourself on fire hey coach you ever seen

a beautiful film called you want to gather yourself you see Jerome born to be a winner always to be a winner

winning was everything in his life he got silver on a swim competition. And he cut it because he was destined, designed to win. And very, very sad. But in the end, he puts that silver medal on and he hops into a furnace on fire. Like fire.

And you know the color of fire, right? But it reflects on silver, I mean. So symbolically, he becomes a winner. He killed himself and became number one. And Coach Riley, I think it's time for you to do the same thing. Coach Riley goes to your parole officer and is like, hey, I don't know if this is effective, but he's telling me to kill myself. Hey, Coach Riley, thank you so much for coming to me.

Unfortunately, I do not have any ears. I did not hear what you said. I don't speak English. I can't hear a word you say. I'm also blind, too. Where am I? Temporarily gone deaf and blind, and I speak only Spanish. Unfortunately, so I don't know what you're saying.

I couldn't actually have ever said anything to you because I don't think you speak Spanish. I cannot speak English, good sirs. Goodbye. I never learned sign language. I'm going to go sign off on parole now. Okay, see you around. I can't hear what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye. I say in Spanish. Yeah, yeah. Hola. I think. Hola. That's me talking English, right?

Hola. Yeah. That's me trying to speak your language. The parole officer looking at yourself being like, well, somebody did make a complaint, but I know my client only speaks Spanish, as he's told me. It can't be true.

Mr. O'Reilly said, can you speak Spanish? No. No, but he was clearly speaking. Well, I mean, he told me he spoke Spanish. I don't know, dude. How old are you, Mr. Riley? Are you having a bit of a senior moment? I'm probably like 40.

40? You're a harsh looking 40. You were 40 when you coached Bombay, I think. Are you sure you're 40? That's it, man. How old are you, sir? You say 40. I think he's getting put in a home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the furnace. Huh? I'm deaf to what you say. I've got a selective deafness for my clients. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Can you just hear him?

Hear who? Who? It's just you and I in the room. I have selective blindness, the room I have selective blindness too I have selective seeing I love our parole officer they're on your side

they are dangerously on your side well I think we coached the Mighty Ducks to victory we won and even if we didn't get the actual victory

we got the moral victory we're doing better it just doesn't matter. It's peewee hockey. It really shouldn't matter. It's super, the most meaningless thing in the world. I think realistically, I'm told I need to do 500 hours of community service. I just go get a job at like a hot dog shop or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if that's... What do you think community service is? Retail job. I'll do a hot dog shop. You'll pick up trash On the side of the road Maybe

You'll work at an old folks house Nah I'm going to start a hot dog shop I've made my decision Yeah yeah I'll take you 500 hours Yeah that's fine I'm going to work at a hot dog shop They'll track you down

At a hot dog shop The cops just tackle you What the hell is happening I'm doing what you asked me to Aren't I Come on Absolutely not Not only are you not doing What we asked you happening? I'm doing what you asked me to. Aren't I? Come on. Absolutely not. Not only are you not doing what we asked you, not only are you doing what your boss asked you to do.

I don't know what you think is going on. Did you want to... Was this or coach peewee hockey? So I chose... That wasn't the deal. No, it was coach peewee hockey or maybe jail time. Somebody said hot dog shop. I'm pretty sure hot dog shop is the option. That was brought up by someone

Yeah I forgot Handsome and smart though Some smart guy said I could do this Relish or no? I guess Yeah Yeah I'll take the relish Yeah that's fine

I'll sign you off How long have you been working? 500 hours? Yeah It is our parole officer Hey I didn't see you here No ears am I right? Yeah As he leaves Hey, I didn't see you here.

No, he is. Am I right? Yeah. As he leaves, I think that guy is very good at his job. He's the best in the world. Or he's the best. It's really hard to tell. Either way, I'm coming off. I'm coming off hot dogs.

Yeah. I'm happy. Well, on that note, I've been Joe. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joe. And this has been Plumbing the Death Star and we well we've been

a better coach than Coach Bombay absolutely damn right we have big time oh yeah I think it's better like you know

just people than Coach Riley and listeners if you find yourself in a spot of bother try and find a parole officer with selective deafness and blindness

and seeing that's what you want that's really that'll sort you out they're useful stay safe And seeing. That's what you want. That's really, that'll sort you out. They're useful. Stay safe. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night.

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