Plumbing the Death Star - What Would Happen If Harry Stabbed Dudley With His Wand?
Episode Date: May 19, 2019Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspan...tsradio.com/live/ Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website https://bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube https://youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: sanspantsradio@gmail.com Twitter: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: https://twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: https://twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: https://twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Sands Pants Radio. Good job, Greg. series of massive pits around my property if you'd like to witness this and i imagine you would then head to twitch.tv slash sans pants radio where me and zoe stream the sims 4 every sunday
at 7 p.m australia time once again that's twitch.tv slash sans pants radio every sunday from 7 p.m
hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the
important questions like what would happen if harry stabbed dudley with his wand
um this is another wait sorry but first question
where well no i think there's a more important question where Wait, sorry, but first question Where?
No, I think there's a more important question, when?
Okay
Because
Two questions
When and where
And a follow up question
And where
In brackets
Location of event
Oh yeah, I see what you mean. Where setting.
Where setting.
Where stab wound.
Well, okay, so Harry first gets his wand in the Philosopher's Stone from Diagon Alley.
So he can't stab Dudley whilst he's living under the stairs.
It's not doable.
Well, no, he can when he's living, because he's still living under the stairs in summer and whatever.
He can't, basically, he can't stab Dudley when he probably wants to stab Dudley the most.
Yeah, he can't stab Dudley before going to Hogwarts. And he can't stab Dudley When he probably wants to stab Dudley the most
He can't stab Dudley before going to Hogwarts
He can't stab Dudley in a zoo
That's unfortunate
Because what a great place to stab Dudders
Make the glass disappear
Then stab Dudley
What's the definition of a wand?
Hang on
A knife is not a wand
Is a stick?
No
We're not breaking the universe here He gets his wand A knife is not a wand. Is a stick? No, no, it's just like...
No, no, you gotta get it from...
We're not breaking the universe here.
He gets his wand.
You've raised your finger.
Hang on, let me first...
First I'd get...
Okay.
And a wand is a long, thin stick or rod.
So...
So...
He gets his wand
I guess Harry's specific
It's not
The question is not
What would happen if Harry stabbed Malfoy with a wand
It's with he stabbed Dudley
With his wand
I mean
Look
Him stabbing Malfoy with a wand
Might be
A repercussion of him stabbing Dudley with a wand.
Maybe after he stabs Dudley, he goes on a stabbing spree.
Yeah.
That might be a repercussion.
You're correct.
But you're right.
Until then, we'll see.
Okay, so Harry has to come back from Hogwarts after his first year.
Yep.
Unless he goes home for Christmas with a solid end of stabbing Dudley.
All right. St stabbing Dudley. Alright.
Stabbing opportunity one.
First available moment is
going home for Christmas. First Christmas
back from Hogwarts. Yeah.
He's only back for Christmas holidays.
I've learnt a new spell with my magic.
Oh no.
Get away with that magic.
We don't like it in this house. Oh, it's a very
simple spell. Stabbing the where. That's a good point. Yeah, well, Harry we don't like in this house. Oh, it's a very simple spell.
Stab in the where.
That's a good point.
Yeah, well, Harry... I feel like in the tit is a good place to stab Dudley.
I don't know if it's in his belly or his eye.
I guess, to be honest, a wand isn't pointy,
so it's just going to be a prod.
Yeah, that's why it needs to be, I think, somewhere soft.
So, either his eyes, his ears, or open mouth.
Yeah, I can imagine open mouth.
There is the risk of a spell going off.
What spells did Harry learn in his first year?
Well.
He learned how to do a rat-a-dweck-hop.
So he learned Wingardium Leviosa.
And now we do know that you cannot use magic.
I mean, it's illegal to use magic as an underage wizard or witch
outside of hogwarts but if he casts a spell in dudley's now good luck the ministry of magic
catching him before whatever spell goes off well i've just i just got a list of harry potter spells
here okay um and also okay why are you doing that i was gonna I was going to... He learns alohomora. Alohomora.
Alohomora.
Alohomora.
How are you going today, Amora?
Shoving a wand in Dudley's mouth and then saying leviosa.
What happens?
What gets lifted?
I like the idea of, like, say...
Because presumably his whole body.
Because, like, if he picks...
You can pick someone up by the head.
It's hard, but you can do it. So you can pick someone up by the head it's hard but you could do it
he's picking someone up by the back
of their throat
put me down
Harry
Alohomora is a scary one
because that unlocks doors
I keep imagining the three of us
in class and it's like
Zammett Alohomora Jackson Dusha, alohomora.
The lock just grows a fucking mustache and little legs.
Dusha, that's just not how you say it.
Hello!
The lock's like, yeah, how's it going, geezer?
It's me.
What's on the agenda for today?
Which one of you cunts brought me to life
Right, you
Who wants to party
It's great if you imagine McGonagall
Just killing it with a book
Be more careful Mr. Dutcher
Stop hitting me
Who knows what could happen
So while we're deciding Which spell he's using Who knows what could happen? Okay. All right.
So while we're deciding which spell he's using,
presumably while he's stabbing Dudley in the mouth,
that's hitting the back of his throat.
Yes.
Now, Dudley doesn't seem like a person who would keep his mouth open.
No.
So if he bit the wand and broke it, what happens? Well, we see in the Chamber of Secrets that a broken wand can result in, like,
basically chaos magic.
So, who knows?
I mean, Ron uses his broken wand
to tape back together.
And it doesn't go well for him.
No, he accidentally makes himself vomit slugs.
Yeah.
No, someone does that as a curse.
No, but I thought he does it on himself.
Oh, maybe he does.
Yeah.
I just know that if you guys knew that spell,
I would never stop vomiting slugs. I just know that if you guys knew that spell, I would never stop vomiting slugs.
I just sort of imagine you-
Hello, slugs!
They've all got little mustaches.
Oi! They all come out of my mouth and turn
around to you. Oi, geezer!
Oi! You summoning us out of this
geezer's mouth!
Yes, mechanical contact stops
them. Mr. Dusha, please
stop. Stop giving things
sentience. They will
kill you.
It is a guarantee. Right.
Who wants to die today?
I love a sentient
door with a mustache just trying
to force itself off as he just
right, cunt, you're coming here.
Dusha, we can't leave this classroom because of you.
It's fine.
Everyone I'll let through, just give me that one.
Jackson, damn it.
Get on either side of me.
No!
You gotta do it yourself.
We're going.
We're going.
We're leaving this.
You solve it.
This is your fucking problem.
I'll fucking end you, cunt!
He's so upset to be alive.
Oh, hi, Ix.
I don't know what you did.
Okay, so...
I'm imagining he uses Alohomora,
but Dudley bites the wand
and all of Dudley's teeth become little mice
that run around like escape into the yard.
So what does Alohomora do?
It unlocks things.
Unlocks things.
So, okay, what's in your mouth again?
Maybe to just make Dudley breathe better. Yeah. Alohomora do? It unlocks things. It unlocks things. So, okay, what's in your mouth? Maybe to just make Dudley breathe better.
Yeah.
Alohomora.
Yeah.
How does the, like...
I'd use that to go to sleep.
Sometimes I get really blocked at night.
Just shove my wand down my throat.
Alohomora.
Sorry.
With your, like, the pipes in your throat.
Yeah.
What's the one that goes food and what is air?
Actually, windpipe is air. Throat is food. Esoph throat. Yeah. What's the one that goes food and what is air? Actually, windpipe is air.
Throat is food.
Esophagus?
Yeah.
Esophagus is like a little sphincter.
Is there a sphincter?
So when you're like...
So to stop choking, doesn't like when you're doing something, one closes?
Yes, I think so.
So if by opening that up, would that be permanently like dilated?
Yes.
So like dilating that oral sphincter?
You might just kill that's what
we were working towards yes yeah but even just like in his first year i mean stabbing him in
the throat with a wand is pretty funny yeah yeah turning the back of someone's throat into a furry
cup is also very funny oh hello guardianiosa. That's lifting them up.
But... Dude, pay attention in class.
But that's opening someone up.
No!
I have a magic wand.
Why would I care what the...
So you're lifting someone up,
but you're doing the first half of open.
Yeah.
So you unlock them and fling them into the sky.
But you'd only open them a little bit.
So you half dilate his throat. Open
up! That's what I'm saying.
Alright, so that's- Why is
Wingardium Leviosa, like, a spell that
they need to use? Like,
throat- yeet shit as a
spell. Yeah, that's true.
I think if you say
a spell quicker, it happens faster.
Alohomora! Poof!
Into the roof. The lock shoots off
the door.
I was trying to do Wingardium
Leviosa. Wingardium Leviosa!
Poof! Well done,
Jackson. You've unlocked
the door yet again.
That's the only one I remember.
Pay attention in class. Don't you
toss!
What'd you say? I'll stab you with this
wand!
My wand would have little bite marks on the tip because I keep
chewing on it. So because a magic
wand is magic,
so I'm imagining, so if
Harry is, so he's
stabbed Dudley in the mouth,
you keep pushing it, so it's at the back
of his throat. He keeps pushing it.
Now, I know it's not sharp, but is that going through his...
If Harry does it with enough force, it'll go through him.
Just a guarantee.
All right.
So you could stab him all the way through the neck.
Does Harry go to jail?
Well, if a...
Question.
Does Harry go to wizard jail?
He killed a muggle boy.
Yes, but he didn't do it using magic.
Is that still bad for wizards?
I think that's a grey area for wizards.
He's also 11.
That's true.
I forgot.
Hey, not tried as an adult yet.
No, go to juvie.
Oh, yeah, Harry and Juvie.
Harry Potter and the Court of Juvenile Detention.
He just sits in his cell sharpening his wand
being like, I'm just gonna stab Dudley
again when I get out.
Are you sorry? Nope.
Just waiting to stab Dudders again.
I think if I was Harry
I would stab Dudley
when Dudley gets
I was gonna say when he gets 34
or like 48 presents for his birthday.
But that's before Harry goes to Hogwarts.
How about...
What about when he throws his PlayStation out the window?
Harry throws his PlayStation...
Oh, Dudley does.
You come in and you're like, hey, you got that a year early.
Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab.
My famous one gripe with Harry Potter.
Them fucking up the release year of the PlayStation.
What about when the Dementor
comes and tries to eat Dudley?
And then Harry's like,
an opportunity has arisen!
That Dementor stabbed Dudley
17 times!
I was just imagining Dudley getting his soul sucked out.
He sees Harry coming, he's like,
I know we've had our differences, but you've come...
Oh my god!
Harry just jumps on Dudley's back
while Dementor's about to kiss him.
He's like...
I hate you!
Stabbing him in the eyes.
Good work, Dementor.
Yeah, that's another opportunity he has.
What happens?
What actually happens if you start...
If you like...
Like I was thinking about sharpening a wand
or chewing on a wand.
Yeah.
Is that like the same as breaking it? No.
Is it like, because I imagine it being like a battery
for some reason. No, if you chewed off
the end, that would probably result in problems.
I don't think so. And I imagine it would probably backfire in your mouth.
I don't, uh, because again
the wand's mostly the casing
for whatever is in the core. Yeah.
But they also use like,
oh, it's out there, um,
phoenix feather and willow and blah. So I'm guessing the wood But they also use It's like Phoenix feather
So I'm guessing the wood
Is also part of the magic
But will the shape
Okay what about if I just
I don't know
Attached a bayonet to the wand
Are you googling can you bite the end of a wand off
Yeah and I'm finding stuff
I'm shocked more at the second part than the first part.
All right, so if I got a knife and I duct tape that to the wand and then stab Dudley, am I stabbing him with the wand or the knife?
You're stabbing him with the knife, definitely.
That's like if I'm holding a sword and then a gun and then I shoot them.
I'm like, did I stab them with this sword?
No.
No, I shot them with the gun that I'm holding.
What if you're using a Final Fantasy VIII gun blade?
Well, again, am I stabbing or am I shooting?
Stabbing.
Then I've stabbed them with the gun blade.
I haven't shot them.
It's really hard to find out what happens.
If you chew off the end of a wand.
Yeah.
It's weird that the internet doesn't have an answer for that.
I am so shocked.
I hope that when you Googled, like, what happens if you bite off the end of a wand, does it hurt?
It just links back to your Twitter where you've tweeted that exact question.
Well, I know when saying, like, a lot of, like, Dungeons and Dragons or those kind of things,
if you break a wizard's it kind of like makes an
explosion
but as we've seen in the
Harry Potter films you can just
snap an elder wand and it's fine
yeah oh man that's so funny
most powerful wand it's like snap like
a twig which is also dangerous because
like sure you can
there's an acuity
apparently the only thing that can if a wand's completely broken...
Apparently, the only thing that can fix a wand is the Elder Wand.
So if I snap a wand in half,
even though Ron's is fixed by duct tape,
to make it back to complete perfection,
I need to Elder Wand repairio.
But how do you repair the Elder Wand once...
You don't. You just...
You're shit out of luck, Cowpoke.
Can I make another deal with the devil?
That would be so funny, imagine if like
During one of the battles with like Voldemort
Or something, Dumbledore just fell funny
And snapped the Elder Wand
Oh, well, never mind
Forget this whole
Tirade of mine, you broke
The thing I wanted
Why didn't Dumbledore do that anyway?
Ah yes, he's after
The wand I know
I don't know, I don't know why no one
Just snapped the Elder Wand, but I'm sure people
Are screaming at us exactly
Why
3, 2, 1, if you yell loud enough we'll hear you
3, 2, 1
Thank you very much
Dumbledore is a coward
Yeah, the wand can't be broken until Dumbledore is dead.
The wand can only be broken by the true king of England.
Yes.
Excalibur.
I think in the novels, he doesn't snap it.
No, he doesn't.
It's definitely only in the film.
Because I remember watching it and then I happened to be like, what?
So you can probably sharpen your wand and that wouldn't break it completely.
Yeah.
And you could stab someone with it.
You can stab Dudley literally wherever you want.
Yeah, absolutely.
His pigtail.
Stab him in his ass.
Hey, did he have to get surgery for that?
That's crazy.
Do they still keep it for a bit?
But the pigtail?
Yeah.
Like in a jar?
No, as in, well, when did they get surgery?
They would have had to book it in.
Dudley had a pig's tail for a while.
Yeah, how much?
That's intense.
I don't know until they could-
Did someone come back and magic that away?
I can't imagine because Hagrid's-
Surely like Dumbledore or whatever is like,
ah, yes, let's check in on Harry, but Hagrid, what did you do?
Yeah, because surely Hagrid is actually not allowed to cast spells.
Or he's kind of like half allowed. I don't know. Hagrid should be in you do? Yeah, because surely Hagrid is actually not allowed to cast spells. Or he's kind of like half allowed.
I don't know.
Hagrid should be in jail.
I agree.
Yeah.
What I'm wondering about is wandless magic. So wandless magic is just like intent, right?
Like that's a big part of it.
What is wandless magic?
It's like where you do a spell without like saying, oh, no, sorry, not wandless magic.
That's doing a spell without a wand.
I'm thinking of when you do a spell without like saying Oh no sorry not wandless magic That's doing a spell without a wand I'm thinking of when you do a spell without saying the words Silent magic which is a thing some powerful wizards can do
Yes
And it's also what Harry can do because it's what Harry did
That's how he broke the snake out
But also did that wandless
How does magic work in the Harry Potter universe
A wand is like a way to channel it basically
A wand is like a focus
So you can just kind of do magic willy nilly, kind of like just
basically chaos. But you'll be bad at it.
Hey, whatever! Making this disappear!
Picking that up! Making a child's
head turn into a cup! I
spent too long trying to figure out an answer to the pigtail thing.
It was just a school holiday period and the reason that
they had to get it surgically removed was because Hagrid didn't actually
mean to do that spell. He just got angry.
Well, there you go. That's what I'm saying. So if you stab
Dudley... Wait. He got angry.
Did you point his wand at him? Yep.
His umbrella, because Hagrid doesn't have a wand.
It's his wand.
No, no, no, because his wand was confiscated.
Yeah, but his wand is in his umbrella.
Yeah. Is it? Yeah. That's why he can do magic.
He doesn't just have, like, a magic umbrella.
Or just an umbrella that he
imbues with giant magic. Yeah.
It's his wand's in that. His wand, or bits of his wand is in that.
Yeah.
Man, what the fuck is a wand in Harry Potter?
A bit of stick with a bit of thing in it.
But is the thing magic, or does that just help the focus?
The wand chooses you, Jackson.
Ah, Jackson, your wand's core is dog and also dog.
Ah, yes.
Dog hair.
And it's made from the wonderful, oh, just dog tongue. Ah. Dog hair. And it's made from the wonderful...
Oh, just dog tongue.
It's a dog hair wrapped in a dog tongue.
Here it is.
The wood is balsa wood.
Good luck not snapping it.
This dog tongue is still wet.
Yes, it does, Lash.
Why does my wand smell gross?
Because it is a dog tongue.
The wand chooses the wizard.
It's great if you imagine him shooing me out of the show.
Wand chooses a wizard.
Can't be undone.
I'd like a replacement.
I'll rob a wand.
There you go.
Yes, the wand chooses...
Oh, what's this?
Yeah.
I thought that was rubbish.
Imagine us in the boys' dorm.
You're like, oh, what's your wand, Jackson?
I'm like, I don't have just one wand.
I just tip out a whole bunch.
Yeah, a shoplifted piece.
Jackson, none of these will work.
One of them's gonna.
Well, they will.
They will work, but not well.
No, the wand chooses the wizard.
I've got other wizards' wands.
Oh, it'd cause so many problems.
All those wizards at Hogwarts that don't get their wand that year.
And you just say, I don't know what happened.
Oh, good prank just to go in there.
Get one of your friends to distract
him while you go around and snap every
wand. Good luck, dickhead.
Where's the elder wand? Don't worry.
Harry broke it in half.
I also like the idea of
finding like, um, that soulmates
exist and going around and
just killing people. Just snapping everyone. But you must be able
to get a new wand because Ron does.
Yeah. Or is he repaired by Dumbledore? No, he gets, he has to throw out his be able to get a new wand, because Ron does. Yeah. Or does he get his repaired by Dumbledore?
No, he has to throw out his wand.
He gets a new one, I think.
He gets a fancy new one.
Again, maybe I'm wrong.
Nah.
Or does Harry buy him a new wand?
Someone, maybe.
I don't know.
I'd be so annoyed at Harry.
He's so rich, and he buys no one anything.
Doesn't he steal Malfoys?
I don't know.
Who defeats...
No, that was him.
I'd throw my wand away.
It's more trouble than it's worth.
Yeah, look.
I'll just learn wandless magic.
I'll learn stabbing with a knife.
Lock me in a room and I'll yell Alohomora at the lock till it opens.
Are you trying to figure out who earned the Elder Wand at the end?
No.
No.
I thought maybe like...
Was there something where Ron got like someone else's wand?
But I don't think he did.
No, he...
He had someone else's wand and that's why it didn't work properly, right?
No, no, no.
His wand wasn't cooperating because he'd been
disarmed or something like that. Maybe.
Because that happens with the Elder Wand.
Yeah. Like, if you expel
the armour of someone, that counts as defeating them
so the wand is now yours and not theirs.
So if you, like, got to, like, you had, fighting a
wizard, you were, like,
Avacadabra, and that, you killed that wizard, is that wand. You were like, have a cadaver. And you killed that wizard.
Is that wand that belonged to the dead wizard sick and you own her?
Who gets that wand?
The elder wand definitely works.
I know the elder wand, but surely other wands are the same.
Yeah, if I just go around and I kill all the wizards and I strap their wand to my wand.
But then in Hogwarts, you are learning Expelliarmus.
You're having jewels.
So constantly people are losing respect.
Does that mean that if you keep losing in Hogwarts,
does your wand stop respecting you?
Like, I hate this guy.
He's a coward and doesn't know spells.
I'm not going to help him.
Or it tries to help you too much.
You're learning Expelliarmus.
It just throws out a Nevada cadaver.
That's so scary that there is just a spell that can kill people you gotta mean it
though and for some reason the books assume that no one would like unless you're really evil but
i'll tell you what well except in the last book when fucking um what's her name mrs weasley does
it she kills bellatrix she meant it does she do it with a Kedavra? It's not it never says what spell
but presumably. Because that is
an unforgivable curse and
yes you're doing it for the side of good.
It's still unforgivable. Here at Plumbing
the Death Star we are happy to declare that
Mrs. Weasley is going straight to
hell when she dies. Good.
Or at least wizard jail. You know
how you can use Avada Kedavra but
it'll just give you a blood nose if you don't mean it?
What?
What?
So when Moony or whatever, whoever he is,
is teaching you the unforgivable curses,
he's like, I'm going to teach you about a vada-kadaver.
And all the kids are like, whoa.
And he's like, don't worry, cunts, because you won't mean it,
if you try and do it on me, at worst you'll just give me a nosebleed.
Okay.
Imagine if you just got a little sociopath
like... Avocadava
dead. Like Crabbe or Goyle
and just be like, Avocadava!
And then suddenly he dies, turns into
um, Barty Crouch Jr.
Everyone's like, what the fuck just happened?
You beat...
You win! You beat
the book!
You beat the fucking record time.
You got to the end of the Goblet of Fire without even trying.
Harry doesn't even need to go in the triwizard.
You're good now.
Yay.
You know, man, because it's easier to kill a spider.
Imagine just sitting around and you're watching TV or something to fly.
You're trying to be like Avada Kedavra every bug that just lands on you.
Well, that's what I was thinking. Like, I was just imagining, would you be comfortable with someone Avada Kedavra-ing you even if you assumed that they didn't want you to die?
No, because what if they did?
Yeah, but you don't know.
That's like, it's literally Russian roulette.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I guess you're right.
It'd be like, yeah, are you...
There is no real world equivalent.
I'm like, Shooting you with a gun
Shooting you with a gun that only
Produces a bullet if I really mean it
It's like giving someone a gun saying
Shoot me but I know
I'll be fine because you'll aim for my leg
And then them shooting me
In the face
In the head
Square through the penis
I'm out of cadaver Bang bang bang In the head. Square through the penis.
Avada Kedavra!
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
So is stabbing someone with a wand better than Avada Kedavra?
Yes.
Yeah, because stabbing with a wand, even if you don't mean it, could be fatal.
I feel if you went to stab someone with a wand,
your wand might assume what you want to do
and then just kind of cast Avada Kedavra anyway.
Yeah, that's a real problem.
Because the intent is there.
The intent is there to stab.
At the start of the episode we said,
okay, the earliest moment he could stab him is if he's 11.
But if he tries to stab him after the Goblet of Fire,
Harry has done unforgivable curses by that point.
Yeah.
Which means if he goes to stab Dudley when he's 15 or older,
the wand could reasonably be like,
oh, you forgot the words of Vardika Dava.
Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, buddy. The Vardika Dava. That's a dead Dudley when he's 15 or older. The one who could reasonably be like, you forgot the words Avada Kedavra. Don't worry about it.
Don't worry, buddy. Avada Kedavra.
That's a dead Dudley.
So how does
wordless... Do you have to say it in your
head? I think it's just intent.
So if he goes to stab someone, before
he even stabs him, he might just cast Avada
Kedavra. That's actually a good point.
Well, that's only if his intent is to murder.
Well, it feels like...
Well, Krakusius or whatever, the pain spell.
Yeah.
You might just do that instead.
But here's what I keep...
Just cast Imperius.
Also, Imperius seems way not as bad as the other two.
Yeah.
There's fucking chocolates that make people love you.
How is that any different?
Yeah, how is that any different from the Imperius curse?
I would have to hazard a mind control that um they're probably made from the same spell yeah which
is fucked up that kids can get that and ron falls in love with a lady that he doesn't love yeah and
that's apparently according to grindelwald crimes of bad yes good. Hey, what would happen if I just ate the chocolates myself?
Really horny.
Love yourself.
Just hard as a rock.
Guys sweating penis harder than it's ever been.
Get Adam Pomfrey.
I'm in such pain.
But I'm so handsome.
Upending the tin, no chocolates left.
How many of these did you have?
Oh, man.
I fucking met.
I fucking ruled, mate.
God, I'm beautiful.
So sweaty.
You know the story of Narcissus?
Yeah.
Now he just stares at himself until he dies.
That.
Madame Pomfrey being like,
put him in a room with a mirror.
He'll fuck the mirror
until he's died.
And it'll wear off.
That mirror was a hole.
Yeah.
Just get like
one of them pillows
with your face on it.
Here's a wife,
a Jackson waifu pillow.
Enjoy.
He's gonna fuck the shit out of it
so don't stay in his room.
But eventually he'll calm down.
Coming out like two days later,
really thin.
Covered in dried sweat.
Guys!
What the hell just happened?
Where's the pillow, Jackson?
Oh, I left it on the floor.
Oh, you know what?
You don't need that pillow, man.
I'm going to throw it out.
I'll throw it out later, though.
It's doubled its mass.
It's in bad shape, guys.
I just left it in the Gryffindor common room.
I'll get it later.
Biggest shock there was that you're allowed in the Gryffindor common room.
It's a big shock.
Why am I in the Gryffindor common room?
Surely I'm...
I just can't even get into any of the common rooms
because I forget the password.
And then forget which house you're in.
You're like, oh, I forgot the password.
Wait, is this even my house?
I'm trying to get into what I think is the Hufflepuff thing,
but it's just a random classroom.
Dude, what's the puzzle?
Jackson, that's the door to the classroom.
It's not even locked.
Just open it.
No, it's a riddle.
Let me think.
If the door...
Door of would handle...
You just keep twisting it
and yanking it towards yourself.
God, this riddle's hard. I'm just gonna
sleep in the great hall again.
Like I got this pillow.
Who gave me this?
The last two days were a blur
Just like laying your head on a
Soggy, soggy pillow
Just the feeling of when your head touches it
And it's dry for a second
And then just so damp
That's a lot of commies Too many commies second and then just so damn.
That's a lot of commies.
Not too many commies.
That's the best is it's your face on it.
But it's great that Madame Pomfrey just had it. She's seen this before.
In me.
Jackson, this has become
a weekly occurrence.
I just love the chuckles
They taste good and make me so horny
No rules
At least I'm not bringing locks to life
Like do
You in a bed next to me
Like face all bruised from a lock
That beat the shit out of you
Aloe pillow Why me like face or bruise from a lock that beat the shit out of you hello pillow
why why do you do this they'll never understand us fighting and fucking
that's what it means to be human
um okay when else could harry stabley? After it's all over I'm glad we're friends again
Yeah
I saved the day Dudley
I have nothing left to live for
Send me to wizard jail
At the very very end
After he sends his kids off to Hogwarts
He just goes back to his
I guess, cousin
and just stabs him a lot.
Ginny, do you mind if we make a quick stop
over at my cousin's house?
Oh, yeah, of course.
I've not seen Dudley in a while.
I wonder how him and his wife is...
Drive, Ginny.
Just stab the fucking shit out of him.
Ginny, Ginny, drive.
We've got to go.
We've got to go now.
We're going to be on the run for a while. We've got to get back Ginny, Ginny, drive. We've got to go. We've got to go now. We're going to be on the run for a while.
We've got to get back to
Hogwarts, Ginny. It's the only place
where I'm safe.
What do the wizards do?
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So that's my question.
So let's just say he stabs Dudley.
Dudley's dead.
Who has jurisdiction?
Yeah, well, what I'm wondering-
Oh, wait.
If he's just stabbing him,
despite the fact it's with a magical wand,
if no spell goes off,
that's just a crime.
What if I'm a wizard?
Let's ignore Harry and Dudley for a second.
Say I'm a wizard,
and I went to Hogwarts, graduated.
It's great.
Fucked a pillow a bunch.
And then I kill someone with a knife.
Yep.
Do I go to muggle jail? Although a wizard's like, he's one of a knife yep do i go to muggle jail although
wizards like he's one of ours you'd probably go to well it's a weird thing because the british
prime minister or the parliament know about wizards like the muggle government know about
wizards which is dangerous i mean politicians famous for fucking keeping things on the dl and
not accidentally leaking information yes i wouldn't be surprised if... I'm going to throw this stat out.
Once a day, a politician tweets their password accidentally.
Because surely the wizards would know.
For some reason, I just like a lot of politicians tweeting out me horny.
Is that...
That's their password.
Me horny one.
Capital M.
Okay.
But like, because surely if I'm going to jail,
muggle jail, the wizards know I can do magic.
Even if you're not good at wordless magic,
like I won't be a powerful wizard, I know that,
but I'll probably be able to figure something out because I'm innately magic. Yeah, I won't be a powerful wizard. I know that. But I'll probably be able to figure something out
because I'm innately magic.
Yeah.
Surely good luck cops catching you.
Yeah, I know.
And also, you can turn...
Well, we could turn your murder victim into a bone or a cup.
Yeah, but see, I'm trying to do it with no magic.
So you want to do...
You're a trained wizard.
You've graduated Hogwarts, but then you do a muggle crime. Yeah. M wizard You've graduated Hogwarts But then you do A muggle crime
Yeah
Muggle jail
But then presumably
If you escape from muggle jail
The wizards are like
We'll take her
Yeah because I could just
Apparate out of that jail
Yeah but like
You'd never
Why would you not
How would you get caught
Yeah I don't know
Because if you were like
Okay say you're
Incinerate the body
I think that's a fire spell
Yeah
But see I'm trying to do it
With no magic No but that's Zamet saying. Yeah. But see, I'm trying to do it with no magic.
No, but that's Zamet saying, like, if you do a crime, unless you want to get caught, you're not gonna.
I just would never.
But then are the wizards like, well, that guy is a dangerous psychopath.
And you're like, what?
I'm like, but I'm not killing people with magic.
I'm killing people with knives.
But guys, we hate muggles.
It's fine.
Don't we hate the damn muggles?
How much do wizards know what's going on with magic?
Because I know when a kid casts that
They're like, ah, we know he's casted magic
Or no, they don't know a lot
Because they're like, ah, magic happened around you
You're the only wizard around, therefore you cast magic
That's true
They must just have a way of detecting where magic happens
So you could be a really good wizard serial killer
If you could stab someone with a knife, say
And then like
you know turn them into a cup or something they would just know that oh yes a magic happened but
also do something at the same time yeah i'm like i turn my victim into a cup but also like
anything else i have into my house into a cup yeah or like say i picked up a twig yeah using um
and i'm like oh no i was just picking up a twig, I wasn't
No, we got two spells going off though
I also
turn this guy into a cop
I crack under the slightest
pressure. I guess
if wizards investigated, they could probably
untransfigure things. Oh, that's true, they could probably
go into an area and be like, untransfigurous
and then everything that was transfigured
Every mug in your
fucking house just turns into a guy.
Thank you.
I guess he kept trophies. But I just like
grabbed the cup and, I don't know, huck it into the sea.
Smash it. Whatever.
Well, yeah, I was also thinking, just like if you were
a kid, because they're not like Big Brother style.
They're not like watching constantly. No.
They're just no magic is happening. And they're probably not watching
regular like adult wizards
because the child wizards is where it's a crime.
Yeah, you can do...
You could become a very powerful murderer as a wizard.
That was the intent of this episode.
I mean, don't stab Dudley for fun.
Yeah.
I'll stab Dudley.
So I guess if Harry Potter stabbed Dudley with his wand,
depending at what age, he could easily get away with it.
Yeah, absolutely.
There are so many spells to get rid of a body.
Also.
Wingardium Leviosa.
And yeet that body into the sky.
I thought you were going to be like,
Wingardium Leviosa onto the roof.
That's also good.
Where's the body, copfaces?
Officers? Copfaces.
I also think if you did...
No body, no crime.
If you did a crime,
if you were underage
and you cast a spell in Diagon Alley,
surely they wouldn't be able to figure out it was you.
Surely there's so much magic going off in some places
in the world. I feel like it's got something to do with the fact
that underage wizards like registered
and that's the magic that they're picking up on.
No, because Elfboy.
Yeah, that's true. Dobby drops
a cake and they're like, Harry Potter
you did magic and he's like, Dobby did
magic, but fucking whatever.
Wait, does Dobby use
Harry Potter's wand? No, he just levitates
a cake with magic and he drops
it on Harry Potter's aunt. Fucking, he just levitates a cake with magic and he drops it on Harry Potter's aunt.
Fucking gotta.
But you're more like
eat cake, idiot.
Yeah, so
if you were in Diagon Alley where there's so much
magic happening anyway and you did a spell,
no one would know it was you.
I mean, I don't know what you've achieved
there, but it just seems like a place wizards can
do magic. So you drag a body to Diagon Alley, then do a spell, turn it into a cup,
huck the cup into the sea.
Yeah.
Perfect crime.
Yeah, exactly.
Or into a drain.
I'm trying to think like strangers on a train this.
Okay.
Like a group of you get together, stab the shit out of some gross muggle.
One of you casts the spell.
Here's all you got to do.
You got to be like, hey, say the three of us, we wanna kill
a guy. Yep. Say we wanna kill Dudley.
Alright. For Harry Potter. Yes.
We're like, we've read the history books.
Dudley's a piece of shit that, look,
we got this.
So, all we gotta do is we hold a
party, and we set it all
up magically, so we're like, magic lights,
magic streamers, magic
food, magic cake blah blah blah
and just in the process magically dead to dot and then when the cops come they're like magic went
off here and someone's dead we're like i didn't know about that the only magic we've done is
setting up the party exactly there's too many different things for them to ever be able to
track down that we murdered dotley and turned him into if you just cast a um um i like turning
into punch that's good thank you av Kedavra him or whatever.
But the thing is, you could just do the Transfiguration one.
Oh, yeah.
Turn him into punch and then drink him.
Absolutely.
There are so many...
You don't even need Avada Kedavra.
Why does everyone use Avada Kedavra?
Turn Voldemort into a cup.
Done.
Yeah, I was just reading there's an opposite to the unlock spell
called, like, Copulchia or something.
Just use that on someone's throat.
Yeah.
Then they choked it out.
There are so many spells that you could do without.
One just severs things.
Put it to someone's neck.
Behead them.
Turn them into a rat.
Snap the rat's neck.
You got so many options.
Strangling a rat's easy.
Anyone can do it.
Rats got tiny throats.
However.
I agree.
Pop that rat's head.
Just hold it by its head and squeeze.
If you turn someone into a rat
And then you snap the neck
Do they turn back into a person?
I don't know
Even if they do
Then you just turn them back into a rat
Turn them into two rats
Boys, boys, boys
Turn them into shit
Disappear that shit
Flush them
Don't need plumbing Because plumbing doesn't exist until the 1700s into shit, disappear that shit. Flush them. I can't flush them.
Don't need plumbing. Because plumbing doesn't exist
until the 1700s. You send that body to the
shit dimension and everybody's
living their best life.
And someone's like, someone died here.
No, I just took a shit.
I mean, you could say that the
smell killed, but
haha.
Sorry, sir.
Up top.
Hey, stinky shit boy over here.
Hey, is that cool?
I no longer want to talk to you.
Is it cool to brag about how big the shit I took was?
Because, boy, let me tell you, it was big.
Boy, are my arms tired.
Hey, I just took a shit, and boy, are my arms tired.
Hey, so I just took a shit, nobody else will.
But no, there's so many ways that you could just,
just with turning someone into a cup,
it either just takes the fight away and then you can do whatever.
Murder is just absurdly easy in Harry Potter.
It's so easy to murder folk in Harry Potter.
And also transfiguration is they i maybe i'm
wrong here but it doesn't seem like there's a time limit on it so i could not kill someone
but i could be like i've transfigured you into a nice china bowl put you in my cupboard and then
avada kedavra the cupboard or just that's it i just don't need to do anything else done now we
eat off you regularly yeah the person's's basically dead What are those invisible boys?
Kestrels?
Ghosts?
Ghosts?
No, the horses
Oh, Kestrels
Thestrals, sorry
Right, surely they look violent
Surely there's got to be some kind of like
Something I could just say like
Ah yes, like a scent or whatever
I could either douse someone in
Or like kind of command the testicle to like attack.
Aren't the testicles really
gentle? I don't know.
I just realised something. Speaking of
ghosts. Yeah. You can't really get away with a wizard
murder because you murder them they just come back as a
ghost and testify against you. What they're gonna be
a cop? Good luck.
That's why you don't murder. You turn them into a bowl
you drink soup out of them.
I'd be scared they'd figure it out, and then my soup would be spilled.
Yeah.
But I guess.
Well, because the ghost's kind of...
Look at Nearly Headless Nick.
I mean, he's nearly...
Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you're nearly headless.
You still die.
I know that.
I'm saying he comes back as what he was when he died.
Ah, you're saying that it would come back as a cup.
Look at this ghost that is a shattered cup.
Got him good.
And then they seek revenge because you've got to walk
over the shattered glass.
Ah!
Wish wizards invented shoes!
Last dance.
Yeah.
I just don't understand why you would need any
other spell except turn someone
into a cup
as we've said many times over
it is the one
it's the alpha and the omega of wizard spells
I feel like I could just get bored and evaporate the ocean
at one point
it's just such a versatile spell
put guardian of the ocean
into the atmosphere
imagine like say playing Quidditch,
and you're just like,
ah, gotta get that golden snatch.
Snitch? Whatever.
Yep, snitch.
You chase that snatch, Joel Zammett.
I bet you golden snatch.
Turn that snatch into a furry cup, am I right, boys?
Hey!
Yeah, so whatever.
Turn everything into a cup.
Turn the referee into a cup
Win!
Joel Zahmet goes to Azkaban
Guaranteed
Turn someone's broom into a cup
It's the best spell there is
It's the best spell there is
So, to answer the question we originally posed
What would happen if Harry
Stabbed Dudley with his wand?
Probably just a bit of bleeding.
Or maybe death, depending on how he stabbed him and where.
And depending on the intent, I would argue.
Yeah, and that's pretty much all that would happen.
But this has resulted in a lot of other consequences of our actions.
I still reckon his throat would turn into a cup.
If Harry knows what's good for him, he'll use that spell.
I think the one takeaway here is fear magic.
Because even simple spells can kill.
This has been a PSA from Plumbing the Death Star.
And on that note, I've been Joel.
I've been Jackson.
And I've also been Joel.
All magic is dangerous.
Cape safe.
Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter
you can find us at Sandspants Radio
or you can find us individually
I'm at Douche13
I'm at OldDogsOfDead
and I'm at GodDammitZammit
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you can head to SandspantsRadio.com
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and if you want to support us
head to SandspantsPlus.com
Thank you again
for listening and we'll see you again next time.
Good night for now. But not forever.
Kisses.