Plumbing the Death Star - When Does Sentience Begin in Toy Story?

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

In which our heroes open up their toy box, regress to their early days and are filled with childlike wonder as they discuss the sentience level in Toy Story. We look at the existential moment toys realise what they are, whether or not falling over is learned behaviour and just how many seemingly inanimate objects are internally screaming. Jackson wonders how sex toys cope, Zammit worries for toys filled with cigarettes and Duscher just wants to keep asking questions. It's a harrowing journey from the assembly line to the attic, then to infinity and on to the beyond and/or a garbage incinerator.Want to help us buy even more toys to neglect? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our attic space.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least one book about toys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SensPens Radio, to Jules Jackson in a radio place. Hey, guess what? This episode is brought to you by Rowan Day and Matthew Mortimer, two absolute champions who have donated to our Patreon account. You make everything worthwhile, you beautiful baby boys. I loves ya. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, where does sentience begin for toys in Toy Story? I was watching the Toy Story trilogy again, right?

And there's a lot that's left unexplained i mean i guess about like where toys first become sentient and also what the life of a toy like the toy's life cycle and span is because oh god yeah like what okay so what creeped me out what made me think about this is you know in the second one where there's all those buzzers in their little cages yeah in their little cages you mean their little packaging yeah yeah at al's toy born that al's toy story 2 is the best are they sentient when they're in their packaging are they like i am buzz lightyear of star command and also every single buzz lightyear toy that comes out immediately thinks that he's the Buzz Lightyear of Star Command. So what are they thinking?

Is that the point of sentience when you open the package? Or is it on the production line? Yeah, exactly. Is it when they're making... But in Toy Story 1, Sid creates new toys from old toys. Do toys feel pain? Because if they do, Sid should be in jail Forever

But if they feel pain, what's the assembly line like? Oh boy The moment you have a head Do you have the toy equivalent of a brain? Is it like you put the head on the torso And that toy is just like And you plug in the arms and legs And they're like

And why when they do that, is the Buzz Lightyear toy's not like, oh, with their little light bulb being like, oh, God, what is happening? What is this alien planet where I am in pain? Actually, the Buzz thing sort of suggests that the alien, uh, the aliens, the toys,

that the toys have, like, fake memories implanted in them. Yeah, that's true. Does that mean that Buzz Lightyear could, like, remember growing up and stuff? Like, in space? Does that mean that Woody, before he became adjusted to the fact that he was a toy, thought he was a genuine cowboy? What did he think happened to Jesse and his horse, whose name I forget? Bullseye?

Yeah, he's like, where have they gone? Where have they gone? What is happening to me right now? Where are you, Bullseye? I'm a toy, and then he has a bit of a... What about all those shit toys that no one actually wants for Christmas? When there's a gang, if you've got a Princess Leia

toy from Star Wars just by itself. Actually, that's not a good example, because she's fine by herself. When there's a gang of guys So if I get the complete set of street sharks, but only one street shark, I've get the complete set of street sharks, but I only like one street shark, I've then got a couple other street sharks, and I'm like, well, I've got to play with these pieces. I just wanted the hammerhead.

What do you mean? Are the other ones like... No, I mean, what happens when you isolate one guy that's usually surrounded by a crew, and then he comes to sentient... Yeah, I think he's like, where is everybody? I'm a street shark. Radical. But they come as a group and then they see you grab

one and throw the other say two or three away they know that that's happened. They're gonna see that and be like in a silent terror just go No! Clearly it's instinctual that when a kid or an adult or a human being comes in you just drop to the floor

You drop to the fucking floor I was going to say I thought that was like In Doctor Who with the weeping angels Where it was just part of their physiology They can't move but that's not true They can move In Toy Story 3 they're like watching and shit And in Toy Story 1 they're like hey Sid fuck you

Yeah that's the whole point they traumatise Sid I know every input from me has just been a question so far and I'm going to keep doing that because Buzz doesn't think he's a toy he disagrees when fucking Andy comes home he's like shit son

that's why I think it's instinctual I think that's part of being a toy is you just have this instinct instead of fight or flight you just have be a toy that's your basic instinct so when they you just have this instinct. Instead of fight or flight, you just have Be a toy. That's your basic instinct. So when they have to go up against Sid or they sort of They're like fighting their natural instincts to take him down.

That's the equivalent of us like fighting a bear? Fighting a cheetah. Fighting a giant cheetah. Like a dexterous, intelligent giant cheetah. But a dexterous, intelligent, giant cheetah. But there's a lot of us and the cheetah's scared of us and we shouldn't be moving.

And the cheetah is a child but giant. And we're toys. That's a perfect analogy. So we know there's even bigger cheetahs out there? Oh, what a terrifying world we live in. Also, like, again, another question, but there's a lot of them. The Etch-A-Sketch.

Yep. When they took the Etch-A-Sketch out of the box, what did he think he was? I feel like I am... Well, then this comes down to what is a toy? Because, obviously, Woody looks like a dude, he's a dude, he's a toy, whatever. He like, obviously Woody looks like a dude is a dude is a toy, whatever dude thoughts.

And then he becomes a cowboy. I just get, apparently I'm an Etch-a-Sketch, which means I have sentience. What if you have, uh, also like as an aside, that Etch-a-Sketch,

um, is trapped in eternal silence. He's born mute. Speaking of eternal silence, there is just no consistency with animals and talking and toy story either. Of course I can't talk, but fucking bears and a fucking octopus and a T-Rex. Yeah, that's so good. But in the Toy Story defense, we don't know for sure if T-Rexes could talk or not. That's true.

They might have had squeaky little... We don't know. I mean, it's very likely that they did not, but we can't 100% prove that. Exactly. Is there like a chain in Toy Story? Like if you're a horse, like a toy's horse, you can't talk. But if you're just a standalone pig, you can talk. So if there was like a somehow like street horses.

Oh my God, yes. Street sharks riding street horses Shark attack Fin out Because if the street sharks are riding street horses We've got the same problem of all they're just the street sharks horses I mean like actual street horses Where like the horses are the main

Even better Winnie to the max Where they're the main heroes They could talk because they obviously, whatever. Saddle slam! Yes! But if, say, the street horses had horses that they could ride, those horses couldn't talk?

I suppose so. And I suppose that means that it's influenced by, like, in the show. Like, the T-Rex, he wasn't from a show, he was just a T-Rex. Yeah. So, whatever, he can kind of do what he likes, but Bullseye was a horse in a TV show that couldn't talk. So, I guess he can't talk as a toy, just because that's his, like, back instinct, kind of?

Maybe. Because your personality is clearly... No, because T-Rex is an old toy, so there wasn't any sort of backstory for him as much, apart from being a dinosaur. Well, I'm going to back my own theory here, because Bo Peep has sheep, and they don't talk,

and she's not from a TV show. Yeah, but she's got the backstory of being Bo Peep looking after a sheep. Little Bo Peep something something. Sheep. Sheep. Now she's asleep. And fell asleep on a sheep. What happened to her sheep? That's the dirty right

solid if that's what influences your lots of hugging lots of hugs lots of hugs and evil bear he could talk that was like the point of him you squeezed him and he spoke.

Well, same with Woody. You pulled the string and he spoke. There's a snake in my boot. You pressed shit in his arm and he said shit. But hang on. No, you pressed shit on his chest. I won't stand for this inconsistency. In the production of Woody,

you had to get, for the sake of argument, let's use Tom Hanks. So they had to go hire a voice actor and they hired tom hanks to do woody yeah so his voice box sounds like woody now then woody's natural voice is also tom hanks he's stolen tom hanks's voice is my point yeah well you know because you're right if because there was a cartoon release called buzz lightyear of star command which was supposed to be like the cartoon that andy watched yeah that buzz lightyear came from and buzz lightyear and that of course was voiced i think tim allen by tim allen he had nothing else to do very good

facsimile of tim allen's voice so that means that that's the voice that you get whoever your voice actors you get but then why does mr potato head have john ratzenberger's voice and why does mrs potato head have the voice of the mum from Everybody Loves Raymond? No, from Seinfeld, George Costanza's mum. What's going on there? And why does Slinky sound like the guy from the Ernest film? I know. Why can Slinky talk, but the horse can't? I guess there's no backstory for a Slinky dog.

That's true. And also getting back to... Why is there a Slinky dog and not just a Slinky? A Slinky dog's True. Well, and also getting back to... Why is there a slinky dog and not just a slinky? A slinky dog's a normal toy? Wait, could a slinky be a... Like, would it be alive? No, because there are slinkies in the film, and they're not sentient.

Or at least they don't seem sentient. It could be a similar situation to if a hot dog became sentient. No, it's a similar situation if an Etch-a-Sketch is sentient. The Etch-a-Sketch can communicate. A Slinky cannot. Yeah. Whatever Slinky is just like having an existential crisis at every moment because it's just there. It's just internally screaming.

It wants to say something. It can't. It's got nothing, no way to communicate. Can a toy feel pain? Let's sort this shit out. Alright, so I reckon no. Because you can take apart a toy and you can build them to new toys, but they're horrified. I'm going to use the film as evidence,

which is a rarity on Plumbing the Dead stuff. But hey, brace yourselves, because in the first one, Toy Story 1, Sid burns a hole on Woody's head. Woody starts screaming But Woody's made of wood No he's made of plastic in his head Woody is not made of wood I thought he was like a shitty 1950s toy

That was like wooden He's made of plastic He's not like a Whittles toy Have you fucking seen Toy Story? Do you know what Woody looks like? I know He's a plastic guy. He's shiny as fuck.

You can shine wood. No, think about how the toys actually are. You can shine wood. Fuck. He would have caught fire. Polish wood. Yeah. Yes.

He would have caught fire. I'm a wood shiner. You have shitty wooden toys. You're not wrong. No, I know shitty wooden toys exist But yeah the actual woody dolls you can buy It's like material arms and legs But with a plastic head

Yeah but they were designed and made In like our era Nah he had a plastic head I'm pretty sure it gets squashed at some point I'm like consenting to that But I'm also saying that you can't have shitty wooden toys You can have shitty shiny wooden toys. You're not wrong.

Thank you. Shitty shiny. Not Woody Eskimo. Shitty shiny wooden toys. Welcome to Jackson B. Bailey's shitty shiny wooden toys emporium. For all your shitty shiny toy needs. I'm sorry, I bet they're shitty, but you knew what you were getting into when you came in the store. It's on the fucking side.

It's okay. They can feel pain. Definitely. So, okay, they can feel pain. Definitely. But, okay, that's awful. But when Sid combines toys, he combines two toys. Like, what would happen if I took Woody's head and then Buzz's head

and swapped that shit over? Does that happen? Does something like that happen? Well, you could miss the potato head. I might be getting confused with Star Wars When C-3PO and a droid get their heads cut But yeah, you're right

Mr. Potato Head becomes a fucking Pizza bread Does that mean that if I got Woody's head And like an apple And just shoved it on top Then Woody would be like, I am this apple now I have so many memories. Someone help.

Well, getting back to what I raised before, again, I'm doing a Joel Deuce, just raising more questions. This level of sentience. I mean, this is all good if we're going to a store, we're buying a toy, whatever. Sid's making toys, et cetera. Jackson's shitty, shiny, wooden toy. Exactly, we'd buy a shitty, wooden toy.

Sid's getting all these other, he's getting these shitty, wooden toys and ripping apart and combining them. And they're obviously, you know, created. What if you are very, say, you know, poor and have to make your own toys out of googly eyes and like a fork? Yeah. Is that going to have sentience?

Is that fork just lying there like blinking eyes, but like not together? And then I get a little bit off like blink. And then I get a shitty crayon and just draw a tiny little male is that a toy? you're treating it like a toy, you're giving it a personality if the Etch-A-Sketch can be classified as a toy and have sentience

what if I drew a picture of a toy where does it start and where does it stop does it have some relation to the investment a kid's putting into you? Like, okay, so say, scenario, I'm a little kid, but I've just got a fuck ton of video games,

and Grandpa comes around and he's like, oh, Jackson, I bought this from Jackson's shitty shiny wood emporium. And it's like a little fucking army guy made of wood. And he drops it down, and I'm like, oh, yeah, neat, I guess, whatever, Grandpa. Throw it underneath my bed. I'm rude to my Grandpa. Hey, Grandpa, the shitty shiny wood bed. I'm rude to my grandpa. Hey, Grandpa, the shitty shiny wooden toy?

It's shitty shiny and shit. Fwoop, under the bed. Clonk, clonk, because it's wood. Yeah, and then I'm like, I'm just going to go back to Star Pooper 6. A Game Boy Advance classic. The best game. Oh, man, there were six of them. It was popular.

What happens to that soldier? Because I'm not playing with him. I'm not treating him like anything. That happens in Toy Story 2 with Squeaker. I was going to say, it also happens in Toy Story just with Buzz. I mean, as soon as he's out of the box he is sentient and thinks he's in it. What about the prospector? He's not even out of the box and he's sentient.

Why does the prospector not think? But here's what I'm saying. The prospector, he looks out of his box. He's not even out of the box and he's sentient Why does the prospector not think But here's what I'm saying The prospector, he looks out of his box He's like, I'm in a collector's place I'm still chatting to these other guys What the fuck is the girl's name? Jessie She clearly knows she's a toy

He's a horse, whatever And so she's probably like, hey, yo, prospector We're toys My soldier never gets anyone to tell him that He just lives in my bedroom thinking he's fighting a war that he can never one day i'll just come in and he'll be gone i'll be like what happened yeah does that mean that well because if you're playing like say a video game right so if you look at again toy story 3 where the is it like the telephone yeah like

that's like a telephone but it's got a smiley face, it's a toy, whatever, you know, a controller or like a video game. But if it has a mouth, then it can't speak. That is brutal. That is brutal as fuck. It just makes ringing noises and stuff. No, it can speak through its phone for some reason.

Yeah, it can. That's right. But guys, so I leave a soldier alone. Yeah. And there's that fucking microphone toy thing that Woody uses to make announcements.

Oh yeah, that's a guy. That's a dude. That's a straight up dude. Woody's like, I'm going to talk into you and I'll be louder. He's like, hey, yeah, I know the deal. It's like speaking into someone's butthole and then your voice projecting out of their mouth.

But if I was designed for that. Humans are designed for that. This is my role in this society. Speaking in my butthole. Also, if you... When Mr. Potato Head, he gets all the pita bread, and Mr. Potato Head's like, oh, look at you looking all slim and sexy, right?

So obviously they're attracted to certain things. So what if I was like, I hate... I'm like, I don't know, a spindly looking toy. What if I was like, got like a He-Man toy Pin that down with my buddies And just like yeah Off my head Put your head back on

Now I'm like I have awesome sweet He-Man body Now you're too handsome And too powerful If you were a clever toy Then you could rule the fucking world Like Lotso Yeah

But he didn't do it right He was thinking too small scale Because he's like whatever I got this daycare Idiot As we see with Mr. Potato Head He he can become pitter-brat. So if, say, I'm a little He-Man and I pop off my He-Man head and I find a truck and I just plop my head down on top, I am that truck.

What if you were Mr. Potato Head, you came across a dead guy, shoved your eyes and whatever into the dead guy's flesh, could you then possess it? I could. Like an awesome poltergeist? I could. Mr. Potato Head is too powerful for this world. But is it just Mr. Potato Head?

Clearly you can combine toys with other toys to get a new toy, right? Well, the alien toys are attached to a car, and they're not controlling the car. Yeah, but they're just hanging from the car. You know what I car And they're not controlling the car Yeah but they're just hanging from the car You know what I mean If you glued my head To the front of a car Like my little He-Man head

Then I would be that car No you'd have to be inside it You'd have to actually be pushed in it Surely you'd have to put your head in the engine Well what if I just drilled a little hole Put the head in the engine. Well, what if I just drill a little hole, put the head in, weld it? You've broken the car.

Oh, no. You're going to need to call a mechanic. Oh, no. Also, if you are a truck, how do you fill up with... It doesn't matter. I'm assuming that I have a lot of other little... Maybe all of the soldiers that have been left alone by kids like me working for me, and they are the ones moving my head around

to bigger and greater things. Also, build a giant Mac out of Meccano or take the fucking world down get like a side of the mountain and just shove your eyes in that am I now a mountain? yes? no hang on with Mr. Potato Head

oh wait he doesn't it's only his pieces that are sentient it's not like he so if he got like again, again, using a dead thing, a dead man... He would just be carrying a dead man. Yeah, he'd have to put his legs, little shitty legs, where his legs are, and then him trying to move that dead body...

It wouldn't be like he gains human powers. He could maybe get, like, a dead bird, because I reckon that's light enough for the Mr. Potato Head to move around. But it's not like he wouldn't be able to fly. No, but he still moves the pita bread himself. No, no, no, he moves the parts that attach to the pita bread. No, but the pita...

Otherwise he would just lie on the ground flat forever because he can't... If you lift your... Do you know how pita bread is not stable? You couldn't just sit it on its side. It would fall. But even if your body was made out of pita bread, it would pretty much be impossible to get off the ground.

Even if you had normal arms and legs. You just couldn't. So there's some sort of toy magic involved there. Yeah. I could theoretically put my little He-Man head on a giant mech made of Meccano and destroy this city. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But your reaction would be if there was people around to not move. My instinct is just like, fall down, just crush a library. You would have this giant body but really shitty tiny eyes and you couldn't see anything. But what if I got

lots of fucking Mr. Potato Head eyes and put them along my arms and chest? That'd all be different eyes. It would all be a thousand Mr. Potato Head eyes. Like, oh, what is happening? Yeah, you'd have to have... But then you'd have to be manufactured with your own eyes. Because, okay, we're Mr. Potato Head, right?

Because when Mr. Potato Head loses her eye, she can kind of see where the other eye is and she can concentrate really hard. There are times when you're like, if you've ever had Mr. Potato Head, and you're like, oh, I've lost an eye, and then you get another Mr. Potato Head, you basically cannibalize that eye to put onto that other one.

Does that mean that that missed potato head is seeing... Seeing what the other one sees? Yeah, and being like, I'm so confused right now. Hang on. Going back to Star Pooper 6... Yeah. The classic, yes. A Game Boy would probably be sentient as well.

The actual Game Boy would. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, because if, like, fucking Etch-A-Sketch is, there's no reason why a Game Boy wouldn't be. And a Game Boy can't, like, the Etch-A-Sketch kind of moved around, like, it kind of, like, boom, boom, boom, on its little sides. Game Boy would do a similar thing, and I reckon it would have a face on the screen.

It would. That's, yeah, that's very true. Or just, say, have that Nintendo logo as eyebrows. Yeah, that's cool. But does that mean that, like, say, like, an Xbox 360? Yeah. yeah like is that also but they play Super Nintendo in one of the games are they playing it on a guy Rex is playing Super Nintendo

because he's playing like it's at the end of Toy Story 2 going back to your cost system like you were saying before yeah I think there really is because if you're a microphone or an Etch-a-Sketch or a Super Nintendo you are like subservient to the rest of the toys. Because you have to be, because you can't fight back, can you?

Is there a master race for toys? Lots of them. Jackson Bailey's Meccano Godzilla. No, no, no. Does Woody and Buzz, like, yeah, we're the master race. We are above these peasancy microphone things. You would not even be looking at it like... No, because Woody's like, yeah, we're the master race. We are above these peasants who microphone things. Woody's like, I'm the leader.

What a piece of shit. How did Woody... No, is it because Woody is Andy's favourite toy? Yeah, that's why he's... It's just a popularity contest. I'm guessing it's influence. It is.

If God came down and was... Hey, it is. Like if God came down and was, and it's, hey, it's not like if God came down and was like this guy, Jackson B. Bailey. You're my faves. He's my best dude.

Then I would probably become leader of your little small community. Yeah. Like that one. Everybody be like, well, I think God loves Jackson. So he must be pretty good. Although there'd be several like we need to murder Jackson.

Which is like, I'm surprised doesn't happen. But I mean, Woody looks after them. But we're thinking... Woody is an okay guy. You're thinking very, very modern times. We already know that like, yeah, with Woody, because he's from the 1950s or older.

Yeah. So he's an old toy. What if we go further back? Is Woody passed down? Yeah. There's a fan theory that Woody used to belong to Andy's dad. Yeah. And that he's either dead or divorced from his mum in the film.

That's why you never see him. And in fact, in the first film, she's got a wedding ring on and in the subsequent film, she doesn't. And they move in house in the first film as well. Yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, Woody's the only thing he has left of his dad. That sounds like a pretty legitimate thing. They probably should have just made a storyline.

Pretty good theory. Nice background, little plot. But you go back in time. you go back further and further more basic toys and shitty toys like cup and ball is that sentient and then you go further and further back cup and ball sounds funny just cup and a ball

cup and your ball but you go further and further back in time further and further back in time oh douche further and further back in time further and further back in time oh douche further and further back in time 16th century when yo-yo is popular yo-yo is actually that's another thing

they use yo-yo in the fucking films as well the yo-yo has no sign of sentience again not that we see screaming internally again I'm like what about like, like, caveman era? When somebody's bundling together rags and putting two little seeds on its face

and being like, oh. Yeah, because, you know, when you get, like, little monkeys and monkeys, monkeys actually have toys. They have, like, their favorite toy or their favorite stick, which is a toy. It's usually just poop. Monkeys don't play with poop as a toy.

So with yo-yos, like in the first film, in Sid's bedroom, when Woody and Buzz first realise they're in Sid's bedroom and they're being encroached on by the gang of fucked toys, there's like a yo-yo that rolls out.

Oh, you're right. Yeah, a little tiny yo-yo. So that yo-yo is alive. That yo-yo is like a thinking being. And screaming internally. Every single thing that cannot speak is screaming internally in the Toy Story films. Constantly. Yeah, because you would be.

Because you're like, my life is, I am blind, I can't talk, I can't hear, all I can do is move. Yeah. And even then, not really. That guy's just rolling all the time. Yep. So that's a toy that Den has sent to us What about stuff that we kind of make and then throw away Like, say, Play-Doh

Oh my god, I didn't think of Play-Doh Is the Play-Doh itself alive? Or when you make it into a man, is it like, yeah, here we go And if I wanted to take over the city again Play-Doh, what a fucking good way Meccano, good for the strength, but I can be anything with Play-Doh Meccano Wrapped in Play-Doh Oh my god, yes, Play-Doh muscles Meccano good for the strength but I can be anything with Play-Doh Meccano Wrapped in Play-Doh

Oh my god yes Play-Doh muscles Meccano skeleton And then like paper mache skin Or something Lego skin Wait Legos So you make Legos I feel like the Lego men would be things

But the Lego bricks would not But what if I made those Lego bricks into a dog? Yeah. Everyone would just be impressed. Everyone's like, hey, Jackson, well done. He made a building out of a dog. It looked like a dog. Well done.

But why aren't the bricks? Yeah. If a yo-yo is sentient, why aren't the bricks sentient? Oh, no. He's screaming internally again. Oh, no. I just had a terrible realization that I will discuss in a second. Okay. So is every brick

sentient or when you join two bricks together like with Sid, mashing up two other toys, they become one. And if you pull it apart, does it split? Which is existentially fucked because if that's the way toys work, that means the moment Sid got a doll head and put it on a Meccano spider's body, both that doll

and the Meccano experienced ego death and lost any kind of personality or any being. And then the moment they came together, they became a new person. Imagine being born, at least mentally, and being like, so, okay, let's find out what I am. Doll head on spider body! But what you're saying there, he comes with lego say how much lego pieces is involved in building you know a basic house and then you break that and then you put them all together

they're like we we were 50 things and now we are one thing and then you break it now we're 50 things again if i had like and i shared memory and then you got put together something else but it's other bricks that being le Lego sounds like an absolute nightmare. What would it be? A Jamie Madrox sort of thing. Multiple man theory. Yeah. A multiple man theory of

maybe it's just like one set would have... Because with Lego, you're not meant to just... I mean, it's sort of encouraged to do whatever the fuck you want with it. But would one building have like... Its own sentience because it's from the same package.

And then every time you pull it apart, it has like separate sentience. But then when you put it all back together again, it's sort of like absorbing itself. So I have like a spaceship Lego, right? I have a medieval castle Lego. Cool. And then I built them up.

They look pretty. I then destroy it and make a spaceship castle out of both of them. What's happening there? They'd have shared memories. They'd probably remember being themselves, but then also being together. And if you separated

them again, they'd probably just remember all of that. Same with Sid's toys. Sid's toys probably have a similar thing. If you're going back to Buzz thinking he is a space guy, a space commander, you would have a spaceship

thinking it's a spaceship, a castle thinking it's a medieval castle. You are then combining medieval shit with futuristic shit just together. And then you probably

put, like, a fucking explorer little Lego guy on it who is like, this is all wrong. Yeah. This is disgusting. So then you've got this sort of merge

because they might not realize they were toys and then they put together they're like, what's this space shit or what's this medieval stuff? Well, Buzz realizes he's not a toy

when he can't fly. Yeah. So the moment you did something that you knew you couldn't actually do. Well, no, I mean, it's not traumatic.

It is sort of traumatic but it's not like life-ruining when they realize they're a toy. No, but you don't think you're a toy, but then suddenly you meld together and you'd be like...

So you're saying what would happen if they hadn't figured out they're a toy and then they would merge. They'd realise they were a toy. You would hope that they would be like, okay, so I am... But if you would merge with the body and psyche of someone from, say say the 1500s just suddenly you'd be like what is going on

that also sounds like the best TV show ever Joel Ducharand the 16th century pirate did you just reinvent quantum leap nah but you're sharing a body in my mind and he's all like I don't understand this new world and you're like this is a tv and he's

like what also what i was gonna bring up before you're good i didn't want to ruin our the great thing we had going on there's one type of toy we have not discussed yet oh sex toys but is a sex toy a toy well it's in the name i guess i guess a sex toy is as much a toy as a yo-yo. No, but you know, okay, so going by my theory of Toy Sandian, so that if you have, say you have Buzz Lightyear, and in all your games that you play, Buzz Lightyear's the bad guy, right? Then he's probably going to become a bit of a dick, right? You see that?

That happens with Porky Ham or whatever his name is. It's not Porky Ham. Ham? Ham. Ham. Just Ham happens with Porky Ham or whatever his name is. It's not Porky Ham. Ham? Ham. Just Ham. Not Porky Ham. It happens with Porky Ham because he is a villain in all the things. He's like the evil Dr. Whatever.

Porky Ham. Dr. Porkchop. Yeah, there comes the pork. Pork Ham. And he's a dick. He's like friends with them all, but he's a bit of a dick, right? So if he's a bit of a dick So if I got a Woody And I made him a dick

He'd become a bit of a dick Because you get influenced A sex toy The games you play with a sex toy Are going to be all sexual fantasies Sexual fantasies And then locked in the bedside drawer For a couple days

The life of a sex toy is just strange Because clearly when you play with toys They enter the world you're imagining bedside drawer for a couple days. The life of a sex toy is just strange. You're like, because clearly when you play with toys, they enter the world you're imagining. We see that at the start of Toy Story 3. That's how it works. And the start of Toy Story 1. Does that mean that when you are playing with when you're fucking yourself with a dildo,

it's like, I'm a real penis. Right now, I'm just a real life one. I'm a real boy! And then you take it out and it's like Where's it's eye? How does it talk? They're all screaming internally I like to think when they walk around The vibrator's just like

Across the table, that's how it moves around By vibrating The fake vagina maybe talks Like a flashlight Being like I'm a real vagina I'm a real girl but if you have

like again if it's entering the world which is a new thing entirely if it's entering the world that you're playing with just the kind of the thought process of like

I'm a giant penis suddenly I'm a giant penis but you would because when Woody's like yeah cool I gotta take down this train he's like yeah I accept that like I'm right now I'm a giant penis But you would Because when Woody's like yeah cool I gotta take down this train He's like yeah I accept that Right now I'm a real cowboy He would just be like yeah okay

For right now I'll just be an actual giant penis Cool But also like in times where Dildos or vibrators Used at the same time as an actual penis It's like oh yeah I'm just this man's second penis I'm just like also part of this. What happens if you get a flashlight

and then you get a vibranium? You're like, yeah! Is it like, this is... Like a real boy. And then the flashlight is like... Oh, would that just be the best for them? If you just leave them stored in each other This is where I'm meant to be

This is the correct way to use us Another question that I have And I know this episode has been nearly all questions But Okay, so toys Because you kind of opened my brain a little bit with sex toys Gross Because you can have toys that don't

belong to a child right and what you want as a toy the absolute thing you want is your child's love that's like what fuels you for some reason that's probably what keeps the magic going now what if say you're a lego set owned by some swiss guy who is like 48 owned by will farrell in the lego movie and you are like, my job is to never, ever move. It's not never, ever move, because they're toys. Toys' jobs when they're being watched is to never, ever move. But their job would still be to move when they work. They would be like, my job is to,

whenever Will Ferrell comes and sees me, I need to be exactly where he left me. In my right position. And they would have only the sentience that was granted to them by this 40, by Will Ferrell, being like, you are a toy. But that's, yeah, you are a toy. So I guess them realizing they were a toy would be faster and more brutal. But you've got to remember, collectors still love their shit.

It's just a different type of love. And same thing with, like, say, the daycare, where they all get together and have polka nights and whatever. Same kind of concept. But what if you were like Will Ferrell and your little kid didn't come and keep racking your Lego set, and you're like, yeah, I'm going to glue them all down. Then they would be just stuck in this.

Well, then you get. Stuck in this. I guess you'd probably just end up with the Lego movie. No, but the Lego movie if it had not been a successful end. Or if you're like, Will Ferrell comes down and all his Lego pieces moved around, like, my fucking shit kid has been down here again.

When he hasn't, it's just the toys moving about the cells. What are you talking about, Dad? Don't lie to me, son! You're grounded. But imagine you're like, yeah, I'm living a good life, and then you see, here's your owner, you know, your kid or

your adult, and he just comes down and he just like picks you up, glue in your feet, and you're like oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah, I guess. You guys come to me! We're also glued! Damn! Screaming internally. Screaming externally.

That'd be a male. Like the ones going crazy. That would be great. They're glued. Ah, we're stuck. Ah! I like that you guys keep acting out things in this episode, even though it is a podcast.

Toys have got fun movements, though. Listeners, imagine me moving my arms like a Lego man. You're welcome. Also, just the idea of Will Ferrell walking up the stairs, looking down at all his Legos, and just smiling to himself, turning off the light, shutting the door, and then just... Just from everything.

Yeah. I'm still not quite sure what Sentient starts and begins, because what if you get... Go back to my little poor child of getting a balloon, drawing a face on it. Is that now a toy? There you go. Balloons would...

What about toys that have, like... I guess... Again, going back in further and further in time. Again, let's talk about chimps with... Sticks and poop. Chimps make a stick, and they have a favourite stick. Is that a toy now? Is that stick alive?

What about other animals' toys? Other animals use things to play with. Oh, dog toys. Oh, God, yeah. A dog toy. What a life that must be. I'm a bone now. I'm a real life bone.

And a lot of those toys for the dogs have faces on them. Why is that manufacturers a thing? Anyway. Dogs aren't going to know. Dog isn't going to be like, I'm glad. He's got a smile. And also, I don't going to know. Dog isn't going to be like, I'm glad. And also, I don't know, when we've now gotten older,

all our stuffed toys that we had from kids, my parents have given them to the dog who then just rips its face off. That is going to be the ultimate betrayal for a toy. What the hell is my toys? In Toy Story, they're just worried about being put in storage. But your toys are the top. There's my childhood teddy bear cuddles being like,

I loved you, Joel. You took me to Fiji once. You lost me in an airport for 10 minutes, but then you found me because you love me. But what's that? Where are you going? What's that? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Joel, why? I was your favourite I'm going to say my toys have almost a worse Future than that because As a kid I had like thousands of stuffed toy monkeys I collected them I had like over maybe 20, 25

I like that you started that sentence with I have thousands of stuffed toy monkeys And I was like thousands And you're like yeah I had 25 i was like oh that colloquial thousands yep um and when i was done with them we put them in storage under our house now what's under our house oh that's right lots of rats what do rats like living in toys comfortable soft stuffing my monkey is like jackson you used to play games with us you used used to pretend we were a family. Now there is a rat's nest in my chair. And my brother used to have a stuffed monkey as well

that he thought was real, and my other brother used to torment him by killing it, by throwing it down the stairs and whatnot. But in later life, that toy became where my brother hid his cigarettes. So he would cut open the bottom and just put a pack of smokes in there jesus christ he's like this is a change is that like a violation for a monkey like oh god oh i've got cigarettes they feel pain no but is he is he like oh i guess if you cut him open and put cigarettes inside but is he like this is what my owner wants this is what my he loves me he loves

me now as i age i just have cigarettes in my body. The life cycle of a toy is fucked. It's just because it's like you arrive. This is what we've come to at the end of the day. You are born the moment you are probably not put together. The moment you're in a package and you're like, just because if they were born on the assembly line, it would be a lot more headlines that read, man killed by sentient toy on assembly line.

Let's be honest, the moment they all come back and we're like, oh, we're Buzz Lightyear, and then they just kill everyone. So it must be the moment you're in the packaging, you just sort of wake up, you think you're a toy for a long time, then that is brutally shattered. Or you're just thrown away and you never get rid of that and you're like i am just a soldier in a world full of giants and my life is hell yeah because the beauty about humans is that we have a life and then we die and that's it with toys they just never die exactly so you go i think i'm real. That's been shattered.

Now I'm a slave to a giant. And now I'm full of cigarettes and rats. And I have the slim hope of maybe an attic where I can just get dusty for the rest of my life. But the rest of your life is so long. For actual effort. And what about those toys from really, really early on where Teddy Roosevelt played for this toy And it's now in a museum

That toy just lives inside glass Screaming Screaming internally Well externally because again he's got a mouth Well What a bleak bleak world it is for toys Unless you're a sex toy In which case becoming a dick is the dream

Or a vagina Or a butthole or hey yeah judgment judgment free zone and on that note i've been joel i've been joel and i've been jackson wash your toys be good to your toys because you know one day they might come back don't listen down the sink exactly don't fill them full of rats and cigarettes. Hey, if you enjoyed Plumbing the Death Star, you should check out our sister show, Shut Up a Second. Let's get your two favorite boys.

Me and Jackson. Sort of like Plumbing the Death Star, but without the dead weight. Oh, you mean me? Rude. Fuck off, Joel. Anyway, as I was saying, search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes and Stitcher. We look forward to being in your ear holes soon.