Plumbing the Death Star - Which Cryptid Would Make the Best Step Dad?

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

It’s the worse time of year. Mum’s search for our new step-dad has coincided with the spooky season. Deck the halls with cobwebs and ghouls, it’s All Hallows Eve as mum goes to the woods to find her newest soulmate. Be it playing catch, providing for the fam or slamming our mother’s cheeks, we rate these potential dads on our patented 5 point system to learn which of these three cryptid bachelors gets to win our mum’s heart. We unwillingly learn a lot of scary facts about the world this week and once again have yo ask our mum if these new men in our lives are actually potential father figures or just pets. Cos they seem like pets mum. And not even good ones. Happy Halloween everybody times xx oLinks to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to a very spooky edition of Plumbing the Death Star.

Wake up. That's Bowser. Bowser's scary. So long! Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, this is the Pop Culture comedy podcast where we ask the important questions and this week to celebrate halloween we're asking the important question which cryptid would make the best stepdad

and i'm spooky also joe oh yeah and i'm joe Anyway. Ten years in and we're still. Well, we changed the intro a couple of years ago, so it's not too bad. We're doing well. We're doing well. Anyway, spooky cryptids. Cryptids. Cryptids.

She's back on the market. My mom. And she's going to the woods The best place to find a new boyfriend A new husband Is the woods Or the sea Tinder

Christian Mingle Not for mum anymore She's like I'm done with this I've been to bars I've been to Super Smash Brothers Multiple times

And I've been to the monsters In the movies But now I'm gonna go to the monsters in the movies but now I'm going to go to the monsters in the real yeah mum's headed to the woods to yeah to see who she can find

which cryptid to replace her long forgotten husbands and all of these our father and all of these who

art not exist yeah we gotta be like mum you know what you need to do you need to go to the woods and I think the perfect person to start this off with

is the cryptid everyone knows the cryptid we're all like where'd he go bigfoot well that's a great choice funny to be like

I wish my new stepdad would play you know catch with me and you look in the woods you just see him pass by the tree just walking away

just doing a walk please come help alright well if we're to have a stepdad, we've got to have some categories by which we can judge these stepdads. Yes. One should be the ability to play catch with us. Okay. The second should be advice.

Dicking down mom should be number three. Yeah, well, should we keep it simple and just keep it to those three? Okay, those three. That's good. Catch, advice, dicking down mom. Or maybe providing for the family. Providing for the family. Providing for the family. That's perfect. Oh, those three. That's good. Catch, advice, dicking down mom. Or maybe providing for the family. Providing for the family. Providing for the family.

That's perfect. One more. Okay. I was giving us the birds and the bees talk. Okay, yeah, sure, sure. Just a good final paragraph. Because every cryptid is going to have their own sort of way of thinking about it. Well, most cryptids, there's only one.

You say, hey, what's fuck? They say, huh? Or what's fuck? They say, huh? Or what's reproduction? They know what fuck is. I think you're getting confused with Bigfoot, with King Kong. Yeah. King Kong is the last of his kind. There's plenty of Bigfoots, dude. If you believe every sighting, there's too many.

You can't fucking throw a cat without hitting a Bigfoot if you believe every person who says they've seen a Bigfoot. Yeah, and that's like with cryptids. They're breeding like rabbits, dude. Yeah, I don't know about

you, you all experience the cryptids, but there's a lot of them. There's a fucking ton. There's gotta be more than at least one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or else it's just a guy, right?

Yeah. Or a lie, which... Well, I don't think that's the case. Mum's not fucking a lie. Yeah, Mum's not fucking an ideal. Yeah, I know.

Or a hoax. Man, accidentally bursting in on mom and Bigfoot having sex, and it's just a blur. Bad with her. Did I just see something? I'm not sure. You take a photo in Photoshop, start being big circles. This is where Bigfoot is penetrating my mom.

This is a lie. The news is like, I don't want this. Yeah, this is bad. Literally, that's a false flag. This guy, actor. Yeah, it's a guy in a suit. Mine's fucking a guy in a suit. Okay, so once again, alright.

Just play and catch with us. So well, first off, Bigfoot. Who Bigfoot? Who that guy? Bigfoot's, you know, he's a North American ape. Or a nape, sometimes they're known as. Like the back of your neck, a nape. They've been seen in America since time immemorial. Gigantic, monstrous ape man. Now, can they, I guess, can they communicate well with us?

Some, please. Harry or Henry? Oh, Harry of the Henderson's fame Yeah Yeah yeah yeah So it doesn't seem That they can understand A lot of us

But they understand gestures Well it depends as well Because some people think That Bigfoots are psychic So if he's psychic He can communicate Okay And sometimes Bigfoot

Communicates by hitting a tree With a stick I like both as options Maybe they're psychic And if that's not getting Through to you He hits a tree We'll start hitting a tree. I don't know if I was like, hey, Bigfoot, I'm having a tough time at school.

I don't know. Maybe myself, I failed in a test, and Bigfoot's like, and then just hits a tree with a stick. I'm like, mom's fucking an ape. I actually know that this guy's alive. I think this guy is. Does he have cognitive thought? I don't know.

I don't know. That's a good thing. With advice, I guess, what do we need to do? I guess it is advice with bullies. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I'm guessing advice with bullies, advice without birds and the bees, so like, you know, sex and dating. This is going to be stressful.

This is a lot of categories. This is all in the one advice. This is a subcategory. I'm mixing birds and the bees because this is now just advice with sex and dating. That's true. Anything else that we want to step down? You know, like future plans? Future plans?

What are you going to be when you grow up? Five-year plan. It's funny to ask that of a kid. What's your five-year plan, dude? I don't know. Play more Xbox? Yeah, buy the new Xbox. Dude, that's pathetic.

No, it's awesome. First off, I guess, playing catch with us. A very simple activity that can Bigfoot do? Yes. Now, well, Bigfoot is great. Love to play hide and seek. In a lot of sightings, people get pelted by rocks from Bigfoot. What is that if not half of catch?

Yeah, that's the throw version of catch. Well, that's step one of catch. Now, here's an issue. If you catch a rock and throw it back, Bigfoot hates it? Yeah, because Bigfoot, when he throws a rock, act of aggression. You throw a ball back at Bigfoot, Bigfoot's like, I'm being attacked.

Tears your little kid head off. And then does some of these into the woods. I'm being attacked. Tears your little kid head off. And then does some of these into the woods. I'm being attacked. Time to go. Dad, come back. I'm taking the talk, calling him dad. He's like, oh, my boy. He calls me dad.

Why you throw rock at me? It's good. Another good thing about that footage is that Bigfoot has a juicy arse. Oh, Bigfoot's juicy as hell. And titted up to high heaven. What? Yeah, Bigfoot's voluptuous. I didn't notice the tits, just the arse.

Oh, there's tits. Oh, there's tits. So, okay, can play catch, but maybe not the greatest thing to play catch with. Yeah, it's funny too. Maybe confused by catch. You throw a ball at Bigfoot, Bigfoot's like, why are you attacking me? You've got to be like, we're playing catch. Bigfoot's like, no, I was trying to get you out of my territory.

I'm throwing a rock at you. You're hitting a tree with a stick. You're like, what's going on? We're playing drums. Bigfoot, you play drums. You're sort of speaking Bigfoot in a way he doesn't. You know, like meowing at a cat. You're like, what's a cat hearing?

Yeah, and then Bigfoot's like, no, that's not what I'm saying. Do this. And you're like this. And he's like, no, that's not what I'm saying. Do this. And you're like this. And he's like, ah! Ah! He gives you a psychic migraine. Yeah. And you're like, ah, goddamn the Bigfoot.

You're lying in the backyard twitching out. Your mother comes out. You playing nice with Bigfoot? We're trying. He's an ape, man. I've got a nosebleed. It's not easy, Mom. It's not easy.

Mom, where'd you even meet him? The woods honey Like I fucking said Mom's at the end of her rope Yeah that's fair enough She's had a lot of Deadbeat Partners

Yeah that's true So I guess you're playing catch with us Iffy Iffy yeah it's not perfect Now I guess yes Advice with bullies So What is Bigfoot

Gonna say about people That are mean to you Does Bigfoot It'll probably go people that are mean to you? It'll probably go something like this. Okay. We're getting a little. All right, Bigfoot. Sure.

What that mean? Oh, sorry. Somebody hitting him with a stick? Well, that'll work. Is that what you want from me, Bigfoot? Bigfoot wants nothing from you, but he will help out. Does Bigfoot understand the concept of a bully at all? Yeah, because he's always running away. He knows.

Well, that's what he'll tell you to do. Hide. I guess that would be his answer to most things, right? To be like, yeah, hide. Struggling with the mic there now. Yeah, I wrecked it. That's okay. I'll fix it. You just hold it? you seems like you're unscrewing it if I'm honest you shut the fuck up I'm just saying what I see how many drinks I've gotten how cool it is

I'm drinking three drinks at one it is pretty cool don't worry about them hey I do feel with withfoot That is going to be A lot of his advice Will just be like Well, I understand That maybe, you know You're getting teased At school

Of course We're not hearing that We're hearing this Yeah Oh yeah Or hearing the psychic screams Of Bigfoot Echoing in our heads

So does he warb? Yes, he does actually There's that There's that Audio footage Of Bigfoot In the woods going, I'm really scared of our new dad.

I know I said I've taken to calling him dad already, but I take it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So either he's banging a stick out of Trey D. Ross or he's warbling in our head, which if we understood Bigfoot would be, I understand that you're getting picked on. That's not great.

However, instead of turning the other cheek, walk away. Walk away. Well, technically, he's turning both cheeks. Show them both cheeks. Show them both your juicy cheeks. Get the fuck out of there. Yeah, just got to bigfoot the fuck out of there. Yeah, bigfoot out of the situation.

I think he could teach you how to hide. Yeah, that's true. He's very good at it. That's awesome advice. Hey, stepdad, I'm getting bullied at school. Son, stepson, have you tried hide? Have you tried just not being there? Hide in a locker or the woods.

Yeah, I don't know, dude. I'd run away. Sounds fucking scary. I'd get out of there. You know, he's using that to be like, right, take yourself away from that situation. Yeah, yeah. Which isn't a bad advice. Like, it's very non-confrontational.

It's funny. Imagine Bigfoot kind of getting confused. Like, I'm getting bullied at school. And he's like, all right, if someone's trying to poach you, this is what you're going to do. No, no, no, dad. Like, just people are, like, mean about my shoes. Huh? Right.

Like, if somebody wants, like, to mount your head, right? Is that what you're saying? You know what I mean? Someone wants to skin you alive and make you a rug, kid? No. No. Well, either way. Either way it works.

Turn both cheeks, hit the woods. Hit the bricks, kid. Run away. Yeah. And hide. Nazi. Yeah, it is very satisfying to do the big foot tip. Hey, this is a good time to point out that if you're listening to this podcast

and we just keep going silent and then giggling, check out the YouTube video. This whole episode's filmed and you can see all of us intermittently Bigfooting. We're footing, baby. Yeah, we're footing. Because it's fun. It's fun to Bigfoot. Yeah, alright, so Bigfoot's not great. Advice, bad.

Not great with advice. And again, and then we're gonna go with Ghetto. Catch Cena's act of aggression. Yeah, yeah. So, can we hit us with the. And again, and then we're going to go with ghetto. Catch, seen as active aggression. Yeah, yeah. So can we, hit us with the categories, because you wrote them down, and I know there's about 16. Well, again, advice with bullies, sex and dating, and a five-year plan. All advice, bad. Yeah.

Because Bigfoot maybe can't communicate with us, and if they do, it's just- Warbling or- Knocking. Knocking. Nosebleed. Or telling us to hide. Yeah. And like sex and dating, I don't know.

When's Bigfoot meeting people? Papa, mom. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's just serendipity. How do I meet someone? Wait in the woods. Run away. Yeah, eventually you'll meet another Bigfoot maybe.

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like asking a gorilla how you meet someone, you know? Yeah. It's just like, asking a gorilla how you meet someone. You know? It's just... Go to the zoo. I love your world of the gorillas. Like, dude, I am so single. I'm going to the zoo to meet some gorillas.

Your microphone is fine. You slammed your hand and then it went down and it was... I fixed it. What have you done? I mean, probably if you were a gorilla. The microphone fell down again just turn put your head down like crotch level

what have you done what have I done he's completely fucked the microphone all I did was twist it once quarter turn that's it dude that'll do it to you

that'll do it to you well while that happens I'll talk about some of the stuff on the shelves we got some bones this lights off there you go thank you this lights off that's good yeah yeah That'll do it to you. Well, while that happens, I'll talk about some of the stuff on the shelves. We got some bones. This lights off. There you go.

Thank you. This lights off. That's good. Yeah, yeah. So sex and death. Gorilla, go to zoo. Gorilla, go to zoo to get some gorilla poison. That's what we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, for a gorilla, they'd be like, well, you know, you're in your, either part of your little group. Group, your tribe, your tribe of gorillas, yeah. And then it's like, well, when you get too big and Dad tries to kill you, you leave and you try and kill someone else's dad and you take over that tribe, right? That's going to fuck up a kid, dude.

That's how silverbacks do. If I'm to believe a half-remembered documentary I watched once. It's awesome to watch a documentary about a gorilla. It's pretty good. It's true. It's normal, watch a documentary about a gorilla. It's pretty good. It's normal, but when you really stop and think about it, that's funny. Like, oh, I don't know what to watch today.

I'll watch a one and a half hour presentation about a gorilla. Isn't that, I mean, we live in such a wonderful place in history where if I need to, I can learn about gorillas. A hundred years ago, I want to learn about gorillas. What the hell do I do? What do I know?

A gorilla? Oh, you mean the satans from the jungle? Yeah. A hundred years ago, we were- Maybe I don't believe in gorillas. A hundred years ago, we were getting real ready for World War II. If I'm talking about gorillas, you're like, there's a war. Not yet, but it's coming.

Do you mean that we should train these gorillas and send them to the front line? No, World War I just ended. Don't worry about gorillas. We've got a depression going on. I have shell shock. Most people think it's a fake disease, or they're calling it melancholy or something. I understand the gorilla obsession. I'm going to my job at Wall Street.

Things are going well. I'm riding the rails job at Wall Street. Things are going well. I'm riding the rail selling a song to anyone I meet and getting nothing in return. No, honey, I'll be back from Wall Street tonight. Don't worry. My office is very high up. I'm coming home. I came back from war all fucked up and my wife slept with my best friend who had a bum leg. I don't know how to feel about it so I just was silent

for the next four years. I have a brick in my bindle for defense and no food. I can't stop buying beans because I remember that I'm in the Depression. Probably the Death Star Depression era funnies is pretty good.

I feel like there's something there. What's the next category for Christ's sake? The five year plan. No, because this is also advice.

Yeah, move out of advice. So advice, we've decided Bigfoot, bad. All terrible. Okay,

okay, bad. Dicking down mum. Okay, that's the one I'm terrifying. He's got a sort of ape strength.

Now, but does he have an ape's dick? What does a gorilla penis look like? It's tiny. It's really small, like three centimeters on a record. Yeah, it's minuscule, dude. They're not doing so awesome. But I don't know if a Bigfoot's so. Bigfoot depends on what a Bigfoot is. Hang on.

That means that when we evolved. Yeah. Dick got bigger. Yeah. Pussies got deeper. Is that true? Yeah, dick got bigger. Yeah, pussies got deeper What have we become? It's Halloween But okay Because some people think That Bigfoot

Is a surviving remnant Australopithecus Which is like An early hominid Of the guys That evolved into us So like Missing link kind of stuff

Yeah why Is there a discrepancy Between gorilla dick And human dick Well there's different Diverging parts Yeah yeah yeah But like, yeah, yeah. But like, was it the proto everything?

Was that big swinging? Or was it little? And like, we kept always like, you know what I mean? Was it big swinging and we kept the big swinging? Or was it big swinging and then gorillas are like, well, I can keep going shorter. This is a wild claim. Yeah.

But didn't, like, over time, haven't, like, most genitals just gotten bigger? That does sound right. Actually, that's true. Dear Google, why dick so big than gorilla? Yeah, because, but then recently, but yeah, I think, like, dick size is starting to either plateau or start getting a bit smaller on average. Why did humans evolve big penises but small testicles? Good question. Whoa, girls have huge nuts!

I don't know yet. I'm reading. I've seen a gorilla from behind. I don't remember nuts. Is a gorilla from behind good? That's the best way to see a gorilla. Don't look at a gorilla from behind. You might have liked that terrible memory I keep trying to forget, which was

going to a zoo when there was a lot of lady gorillas. They were all just diddling themselves at each other. Do you remember the depth of that bush? No, but I saw a gorilla clit. That made me unhappy. That's awesome. That's really cool. Jackson, was it you that went to the zoo and saw a gorilla fuck the window and then come?

No, that was at the pier. I saw a tapir fuck a wall and come, yeah. It was awesome, dude. The zoo's a magical place. The zoo's awful. I don't want to go to the zoo anymore. No, but because we lost our hair, do you reckon it had something to do with that?

All our hair sprinkled through our cocks. And deepening the puss. No, but even like... You've got a lot of hair, you've got a lot of protection. But even like curves have gotten bigger. What but even like... You've got a lot of hair. You've got a lot of protection. Oh, no. But even like curves have gotten bigger. What? On like... Yeah, them curves.

No, no, no. Like as in like if you look... Curved penises? No. Curved what? So like... Body types? Yes.

So like on... My head's more of a sphere. Like AFAB bodies. Yeah, yeah. AFAB. Yeah. A side female at birth. Ah, right. Yeah, yeah. AFAB. Yeah. Aside female at birth. Ah, right, right, right.

Like, yeah, like breasts and arses have gotten bigger with time, I think. Really? But then I also don't know if that's just fashion trends. Look in the 1920s, the Depression era. Because isn't there that famous fertility statue? You know that one that's like, it's like the famous female sort of like fertility statue. And also like just trends kind of went in and out depending because it was like, yeah, big and voluptuous. That's sweet.

That means you're rich and wealthy. Urban-esque or whatever. And then in the 90s, it was like, if you're not see-through, you should kill yourself. Yeah. Back when like then food became more abundant and then it was just like well it's actually

it's more rich if you don't eat yeah like deathly sick and pale what's the disease that like fucks all your shit up

and everyone's like I'm gonna fake it lead poisoning no oh yeah but they're like um let's start faking

having lead poisoning I've got lead poisoning I'm so sorry the podcast of recent have been bad Plum in the Death Star has poisoning. I've got lead poisoning. I'm so sorry the podcasts of recent have been bad. Plumbing the Death Star has lead poisoning. I've got lead poisoning. I've got lead poisoning. The fucking disease. Gonorrhea?

Syphilis? People faking having syphilis. It's like when they've got to be gaunt like pale skin and they put like more Oh yeah. I think that's lead. I think it's lead. Because a lot of people were using lead jewellery

and it was making them all Consumption? Consumption. Consumption was sexy I think to the point. I don't think you get consumption from fucking

No I don't think so either. No. I have no idea what you're talking about. So what is consumption called now? Tuberculosis? TB! People are thinking TB!

I think because TB, look, I could be wrong. Maybe I am thinking about lead poisoning. But yeah, it was like whatever disease it was, it was something like either consumption or TB, where it would be like deathly sick and pale and all that. And it was usually the wealthy were doing this. So it was very much like, well, I want to be seen as wealthy. I got TB too. Make me look like I'm fucked up.

Like Gout. Yeah. Gout. Now I'm back on board. I've got an in. I know Gout. Do you think this is the most uninformed we've ever been? I reckon it's close. Well, we'll have to look over Joel Zammett's laptop and see why the humans evolved to have big penises and tiny, small testicles.

I'm looking at that first, but now I'm going to look at, did we fake consumption? Oh, yeah. Hello. We get a lot of questions. But we have a little machine to answer them, which is pretty special. That's pretty rare for us. Usually it's someone just frantically searching on their phone. Yeah, exactly. Zammett's got a big machine, really. Big little machine. It's still a little machine. Yeah it's someone just frantically searching on their phone. Yeah, exactly.

That one's got a big machine, really. Big little machine. It's still a little machine. Do we know? Scroll it a little bit and not click on anything. That's not a good sign. You've got to ask the right questions. Yeah, that's true.

Is TB sexy? Because we get lead poisoning from lead jewelry. It's funny to make jewelry out of lead. Heavy. Heavy. Looks like shit. I think it was that lead was maybe exciting, like we just discovered it or some shit. I guess like that happened with asbestos.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. We were like, fuck this fucking rock. Put that shit in my house, on my roof, dude. Let me huff it in. There's a town in australia that they poured concrete over because it was so asbestos well yeah because it was next to the blue asbestos it fucked everything up obviously how tuberculosis shaped victorian fashion okay now the gorilla dick one okay now that that involves some reading yeah yeah yeah um give us the next category we'll move

on you learn aboutiding for the fam. Can Bigfoot get a job? Bigfoot? Providing for the family, you've gone for employment, but I think Bigfoot is clearly a good gatherer. Oh, that's true. I think that this is a big tick. You're eating, for dinner, you're eating, like, rabbits that he's collected.

Yeah, rabbits are all right. Famously in Bigfoot lore, sometimes he steals dogs, maybe. Hot dog! Hot dog! Hot dog! Sorry to interject. Yeah, that's all right. A chimpanzee's testes weigh more than a third of its brain, while ours weigh in at less than 3%, as you were.

But a chim's got a little brain. Yeah, but it's a third, a third of its brain. That's a lot, dude. Yeah. And that's the human body being like, testicle is a third as important as the brain. Yeah. Wow. That's pretty awesome.

Anyway, go back to the gathering. Another way Bigfoot could provide for the family is he could just be like, hey, here I am. I'm real. And then charge for photos like Spider-Man. Yeah. Just like Spider-Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How, what do people think?

Because obviously Bigfoot is not spotted. No, yeah. We don't know where he is. This is a very long run up to, does Bigfoot live in a hole? He could. What do you mean? So obviously Bigfoot lives in the woods. Yes.

But we don't just see him sleeping on the floor. Well, there's- Does he live in a hole? There's a couple of theories here. Uh-huh. Some people say Bigfoot lives in nests that he makes out of sticks. Uh-huh. Gorillas live- In a fucking tree? Gorillas lives in nests that he makes out of sticks. I don't know. Gorillas live in nests?

Gorillas live in nests? Yeah, gorillas make nests. What kind of nests? Like a bird? No, like out of leaves and shit. In a tree? In a tree or on the ground? What is the difference between a nest and a house? What are you saying to us?

I think they're trees. I think they're trees. So a nest like a bird? Yeah, I think so. We're going to have to do a little Google and a house. What are you saying to us? I think they're trees. So a net like a bird? Yeah, I think so. We're going to have a new little Google machine. I've got no reception. Gorillas definitely live in nests or make nests to lie

down in. I don't know if they're in trees or whatever. This sounds like that you are going to be wrong. Gorilla nests are real! No one ever believes me, but this time I know I'm right. So Bigfoot, sometimes people say he lives in nests. Other times they say Bigfoot lives in caves, which are sort of advanced holes, if you will.

There's a very famous image that goes around that's probably fake, where it's like, look at all the Bigfoot sightings and the disappearances across north america and the caves and they match up holy shit gorillas have nests but they actually have two types of nests whoa one like birds day nests and night nests gorillas dude they get it made we got one house for everything uh day day n are simple aggregations of branches and leaves on the ground while night nests are more elaborate constructions,

usually on the ground, but sometimes in trees. That's fucking awesome. Especially those of juveniles and females in areas submitted to high poaching pressure. There you go. Skimming about our small testicles compared to a chimpanzee. I'm thinking it's because gorillas, chimpanzees, whatever. That's true. It's because they're more polyamorous. Yeah. I'm thinking it's because gorillas, chimpanzees, whatever. That's true.

It's because they're more polyamorous. Yeah. So they're more monogamous, whereas they're more polygamous. Yeah. So when humans, if we ejaculate more than about two times a day, our sperm count is reduced by 80%, more than 80%. So I guess because of the chimps and apes fucking a lot more, they need bigger testes.

Wow. I think this is what, again, I'm skimming. That's really interesting. It's awesome that bigger testicles means bigger loads. Yeah, I know. It makes sense. It does make sense. Oh, there's diagrams.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Ape dick! No, turn it my way. You had your chance to look. Yeah but I did want to lean around and look at the microphone. Wow, they kinda look like geoduck. Geoduck? Yeah, geoduck.

Yeah, geoduck. Yeah, they look like geoducks. They're kinda seafood. Wow, dude. There's some are quite human looking, which is pretty upsetting. Some very much aren't. I hate this one. That one looks like a fucking alien monster. Literally all of them actually. Which one do you like?

Hey congratulations you passed the test. Wow that's really crazy. One of them just looks like if you could pull your foreskin down really far. Yuck. Banjo stringless dick mode. One looks like it's got spikes. Yeah it really does. yuck banjo stringless dick mode that's awesome one looks like it's got spikes yeah it really does

it might I hated this it's awesome that someone has to draw that yeah just to it's good

like that's someone's job to just look at a gorilla dick and then draw oh there's more wow what the fuck what the fuck is this these look like

I don't know what they look like some of them I don't know what they look like. Some of them. I don't know what that is. The top one literally just looks like a finger doing this. Yeah. One of them looks like an upside-down mushroom. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. Well, let's put a big cross on Mom getting dicked down by Bigfoot for this reason alone. Yeah, now that we've seen what the cock situation is. Every time, no matter what, every time I look at Mom, I'm like, really? That was okay? You were all right for that? All right. That's what you wanted. I mean, no matter what, every time I look at mum, I'm like, really? That was okay? You were all right for that? All right. That's what you wanted.

I mean, most mums into huge nuts. Yeah, that's true. She's like, I know the dick's freaky, but the nuts and the loads. And I'm like, I am your child. Yeah, but I am a cum freak. Mother, please. I am what they call in history,

a certified cum slut child. Okay, mum. I'm going to go outside. It's like a Bukkake, but in one. Mom, stop talking to me. It's not only that. It's kind of like a small meal, but lots of them. Because you're a regular human.

Mom, I am 32 years old. I don't want to hear this. I don't need this. I'm going to go to school tomorrow. He just blows his load. He can just keep going and going. I get the idea, Mom. I get the idea. I have to want to hear this. I don't need this. I've got to go to school tomorrow. He just blows his load. He can just keep going and going. I get the idea, Mom. I get the idea.

I have to go to school. My grades are suffering. I'm in year 10. I'm 32 years old, Mom. I've been held back so much because my home life is certifiably insane. Okay. So I guess, yeah. Bad across the board, except for providing for the fam if we like nuts and berries.

So if we're going out of five, one and a half? Yeah, one and a half for Bigfoot. That's pretty grim. Maybe just one. Pretty grim for like- No, I reckon because there is some misses there, but there's ones that aren't too bad. He provides well and he can half a catch.

Yeah, one and a half to a two out of five. One and a half. One for providing and half for throwing the ball. He doesn't catch the ball, but he does half of the game of catch. It's really rough that the only humanoid cryptid has come in so low. What's next? Loch Ness Monster? Nessie! We get to move to Scotland. That's nice. It's next? Loch Ness Monster?

Nessie! We get to move to Scotland. That's nice. It's a beautiful country. Good swimmer. Yeah. There's that frog at the bottom of Loch Ness that I really want to see. Yeah, we do love that frog at the bottom of Loch Ness.

Okay, well, we got to determine, because Loch Ness, a lot of people think it's a lot of different things. Yeah. What Loch Ness is. Do you want me to give you the kinds of things people think Loch Ness is? Of course. Yes, please. Okay. Number one, numero uno, biggest main one is a plesiosaur. A, you know, resurrected dinosaur.

Resurrected? Not. Surviving? Is that the word? Some, like, Scots back in the day, like, uh, Calimor! Calimor, not pulling out a heart but resurrecting a plesiosaur

I fucked that up well I better put this in the lake that would be so funny in the temple putting your hand into pulling out a plesiosaur head

like a Scottish brogue doing like Kalimah and they're like well that's just I don't know but that's the ancient spell to resurrect a plesiosaur

this is stupid. Yeah. But I just realized I don't know. What is the body of water in Loch Ness? Like fresh water. It's fresh water. No, but is it a loch? It's a loch.

It's a lake. It's a loch. It's a loch. It's a loch. It allegedly connects to the sea in some places, but I don't think that's ever been proved. Or it is by like a river, but people say there's like caves underneath the water, which I don't think is the case. How deep is it?

It's fucking deep, dude. Deep as fuck. Why don't we go in there? Not us, but... People do. Wait, what do you mean? Well, if there's like caves and shit, allegedly. Chuck on a suit, get down there.

It's hard to see. It's full of silt. And caves are dangerous. And muck and shit It's like you go down there, you're freaking blind And there's nothing in there but like One kind of fish or some shit And that one toad At the bottom of Loch Ness

But it's like eight big bends deep I had this book as a kid that was like Here's how deep Loch Ness is That's an awesome book Two pages Comparing everything to big bends here's how deep Loch Ness is or whatever. And it had lots of- That's an awesome book. Two pages. Pretty deep. Comparing everything to Big Ben.

How big is stuff compared to Big Ben's? This is the perfect book for me. Yeah, a Big Ben is actually one Big Ben deep. Whoa. Okay. Yeah, so it's pretty deep. So, plesiosaur. A surviving plesiosaur or many plesiosaurs.

That's one. Okay, so, yes, I guess. Virgin eel. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you.

Rogers. Virgin eel. Yeah, this one's awesome. So eels, cool thing about eels. We don't know how eels fuck. I thought we figured that out. There is absolutely no chance that that is true. No, I thought, no, it is. We don't know how eels, yeah,

breed for the longest time and I think we might have found within the last year. Because we know they go out to the Sargasso Sea. We sort of figured something out. But we don't really know what they're getting up to out there. Yeah.

But one thing about eels, we've known, it's like, yeah, we're confusing. We're like, how'd they? It's a bit of a mystery.

What's gone down. Well, I know. I think this is a very big urban legend. Whoa. Because the way they reproduce is like classic fish almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The female eel pierces out fucking eggs, and then the fella swims by and comes on them.

I mean, I suppose that's broadly accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway, one thing about eels, this is where the virgin eel theory comes from. They've just never- Oh, wait. Eels have never been seen mating in the wild.

There you go. Their eggs have never been found nor have their reproductive organs been easy to find despite hundreds of dissections over thousands of years. Eels are just happening. They're just happening out there at sea. They spawn, according to researchers, through external fertilization. Millions of eggs are released into the water by the females, where the male

sperm fertilizes them in a dark term event. The eels then die. What the fuck? What's killing them? That happens to fish all the time. That happens to salmon. They never show you this in documentaries. Sometimes they do. Only recently I saw it in a doco where they show the salmon doing that upstream

leap thing. They get to this big lake at the end of the river, bone down, and then it just becomes full of rotting salmon. Just a graveyard of salmon. I don't know why the bears don't go there. Stupid. Sometimes they do. I guess also be like a gout, you know,

gorging yourself on like salmon. Plus they're probably rotten. Yeah, it's like fine, like what, the first day. Yeah, yeah.

You're having a great day. That was a good salmon. Second day, you're like, salmon's tuned a little bit. It's all right. It's been out in the, you know,

it's been out in the sun, but I think it's still good. It's preserved. I guess bears are stupid and they probably wouldn't stop eating the salmon and then they get sick. No,

bears are pretty clever. I think bears, bears aren't like a dog. A dog will keep eating until it gets sick, dude. Vomit and be like, oh, room for more. Eat that vomit. Dog, you just ate that dickhead. You stupid dog.

The virgin eel theory is because when an eel dies, it's after it boned down. And eels are one of those animals, like crocodiles and sharks, where they keep growing. And lobsters. They just keep growing. I also don't think that's true about lobsters, right?

Wasn't that disproven? It's true about lobsters. So the theory is that this is an eel that never made it out to the sea to bone down. Move on. I'm telling you to bone down. Move on. I'm telling you, Zahmed, move on. We can't spend all episode on our little machine.

So it's an eel that never made it out to the sea in cell, so he stayed behind and just got not gigantic, but big enough that if you saw him in the water, you would be like, what the fuck? So when it's like poking its little head out, it's like it's most of its body. Well, there's got to be like an iceberg.

You just see something bigger than you would expect in the loch and your brain makes you think, whoa, I saw a fucking mess here. Lobsters do keep growing. The thing that I got confused with people like, lobsters are actually immortal. They just keep growing forever until something kills them. That's not true. So that's one theory about the Loch Ness Monster. Virgin eel. Virgin eel. Yeah. Virgin eel. Some people think That's not true. So that's one theory about the Loch Ness Monster. Okay. Virgin eel. Virgin eel.

So yeah, virgin eel. Some people think it's a whale. Or a whale. That snuck its way in through one of these underwater caves. How it got the little head. That's our famous fake photograph. The little head. Yeah, but that Bigfoot footage also famously fake.

We're still talking about that. Patterson Gimlin, not disproven. This one, the guy came out and was like, here's how I did it. Wasn't it very much disproven? Wasn't there other shots from it and you can tell it's a person in a suit? I don't think so.

I don't know what you're thinking of. Get out your little machine again. I am. This is a phone-heavy episode. Anyway, so the other theory is that it's an elephant that made its way into the lock. So when Hannibal... When Hannibal crossed the Alps.

Well, I think the idea is that a lot of the photographs are just... Elephant. Lost. Where'd I put that elephant? Kept going north. Made it from the Alps across the sea into Scotland. Kept going. Yeah.

Broke out of a zoo, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think the elephant one is just like the famous little... Kind of looks like an elephant trunk. So people are like, maybe it's an elephant. Maybe, yeah, a little elephant. A little elephant with women. Another theory is that it's a bunch of otters holding each other's tails.

That's the cutest. Making lumps. Making lumps. As the otters are often to do. Making lumps. Now, have otters been shown in the wild to also do that regularly of making lumps. I think so. Yeah, maybe.

Do they look like the Nessie? Not really. Okay, interesting. Waves. That's another theory. I like this one. I like that one too. Mom's dating a wave.

We'll settle on waves, shall we? You're right. The Palace of Gimlin footage, they were just like, both of them right up until their death were like, yep. There's a lot of things that are suspicious about it. Like, for example, as we said at the beginning, he's got fat titties. That's pretty typically in Bigfoot photographs or whatever, they draw one titty-less. But Patterson or Gimlin, in his journal, before taking the sighting, drew a tittied-up Bigfoot.

And then he found a tittied-up Bigfoot. And people are pretty like, pretty suspicious. Anyway. They couldn't find where it was found. They couldn't find where it was filmed for ages, but then they did find it again in 2011. There's a guy who gets that footage. He's, like, a big proponent that there was a Sasquatch massacre there.

And he's like, in the background, you can see a bunch of dead Bigfoots. No, you can't. Anyway. So, are we saying mom's fucking a wave? Yeah, mom went to the Loch Ness in hopes of finding Nessie found a big wave instead. Well, I guess like the best way to approach this is I guess the traditional Loch Ness monster. Okay, fair enough. Big plesiosaur.

Yeah. All right, fair enough. Plesiosaurs. Now, I don't know much about dinosaurs. Sure. Are they reptiles or all chickens? I don't even think a plesiosaure is technically a dinosaur I think it's like another guy I thought I was out of my depth

You have no idea I think it's like It's some other shit What do you mean? Because it's from the sea you can have chickens in the sea but I don't know

if you can have dinosaurs that's called tuna chicken of the sea I don't think it's a dinosaur I don't think it's a dinosaur I mean maybe I'm wrong

it's a reptile okay I don't know yeah that's real anyway cold-blooded cold-blooded yes

what was your question about it yeah is it gonna be cold-blooded warm-blooded yeah cold-blooded, yes. What was your question about it? Yeah, is it going to be cold-blooded, warm-blooded? Yeah, cold-blooded. Okay. Shall we go through our categories? Let's go through our categories.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, so Nessie, please use your sword. Long neck. Flippers. Flippers and a little stub tail. And a little stub tail. I'm going to do a picture because I kind of want to try and-

It's an apex predator. Nice. So that means hunting and gathering again. Providing for the family. Getting a job, though. Hard. Yeah. You can hunt and gather, too, but we need money.

Yeah, play and catch. Oh! I mean, I've seen dolphins do it. That's true. It depends on what you count as catch, I guess. If I could throw a fish at it, I reckon it could catch it. It would eat the fish. It's kind of like having a pet, in a way.

In a way, yes. Kind of like if your dad was your pet. Kind of like if your dad was a giant dolphin, I guess, that had teeth. It's not really playing catch in a traditional sense. Well, you can play catch with a dog. That's true. You can play catch with a dog. That's true. You can play catch with a dog. But, okay.

The dog brings the ball back. You throw a schmacko, your dog eats the schmacko. You're playing catch, or you're feeding your dog. Well, catch is going to be bad for the plesiosaur as well, because its eyes are pointed mostly directly up. Up, you say? Yeah. What was it looking for?

So, its long neck and the fact that its eyes were kind of on top of its head makes it look like that it hung out at the bottom of things and ate stuff directly above it. I can't imagine. Just like a... What the fuck are you... Just imagine like if... It doesn't have sporks.

Yeah, yeah. Imagine a snout. No, no, no. Imagine a snout. It doesn't have sporks. Yeah, yeah. No, but still. No, no, no. Imagine a snout and then like instead of the eyes pointing forward, a little bit further up and just like angled upwards. Yeah. They are. It wouldn't be directly up.

They're not directly. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. They're not like you'd be looking at the corner. Like your eyes would be angled at like the corner, not the roof. To do this podcast, I have to do this. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Go hunch mode. You'd be there and just like looking, waiting, waiting. To do this podcast, I have to do this. Yeah. Go hunch mode. And you just be there and just looking, waiting. For fish. I don't think it can play catch with us. Well, it would have great vision provided you arc the ball correctly. Very high up. But it might think it is a fish. Then it bites it.

Which is, in many ways, a form of a catch. Throwing it back, though. Not happening. Yeah, this is the opposite of Bigfoot where we get one half of the catch it can catch

but it cannot throw yeah okay what's next advice advice I reckon this is probably how the advice would sound yeah

yeah very similar to Bigfoot warbling it'd be just like a lot of the fact that they're animals is really

really really makes it tricky for us hey and also again warbling, it'd be just like a lot of ahhh! The fact that they're animals is really, really makes it tricky for us, hey? Again, now I guess we've got to suspend some disbelief. Because if it could talk, what advice would it be? Sit on the ocean floor! Eat fish! It seems to be very much

like, because it is an ambush predator, right? Well, it's an apex predator as well. okay oh good advice your enemies like good advice to the bullies yeah yeah where it's like tell him to stay home from

school tomorrow if he knows what's good for him yeah yeah tell him to go for a swim in this here and there like Loch Ness I'm feeding you to my dad if I was a bully and

kids had that to me I would be so scared I'd be confused And bully harder Yeah You're gonna get eaten Sort of similar to like Having an Is it Audrey 2?

Yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah A little shop of horrors Having a little shop of horrors To feed your enemies too It's awesome that Plan 8 everyone That is really cool

Unless you watch the Boring version of the movie Where no they kill the plan Or whatever No no no no Rick Moranis would never kill that plan. He'd die for it. Love that plan.

So yeah, I think your advice would either be to, well, you need to hide underneath them when they don't suspect a strike. Yeah, yeah, smart, smart. Or maybe go for a swim with them. Yeah, yeah, feed them to me. I am hungry. Okay.

So I think maybe like, as opposed to Bigfoot, which was kind of Beatles like, go gone. Yeah, go gone. This is a bit more aggressive. Go on the attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like, it's an apex predator. So it's like, hey, you know, you got to, you know, if you want to be seen to be, you know,

no one want to fuck with you, you go for the biggest motherfucker there and smack him in the face. That's true. Not the best advice, but some advice. Yeah, yeah. Sex and dating or a five-year plan. Well, if it is incel. face. That's true. Not the best advice, but some advice. Yeah, yeah. Sex and dating or a five-year plan. Well, if it is incel. Oh, that's true.

Incel eel. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't know how to fuck, brother. Semen retention. I would have been fucking somebody with a long-ass neck. Dude, I don't know how to do it. I can't figure it out.

Oh, man, you're not a neck cell, are you? You've got to rise and grind. You've got to hit the gym. Yeah, yeah are you? You've got to rise and grind. You've got to hit the gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to semen retention. You cannot cum, little kid, okay?

You're 32 years old. You cannot cum. Are you fucking mum? Which is, yeah, I'm about to say, if that's the case, mum's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, zero for me. Also, dinosaur cock cannot be good. Yeah, I don't know if there'll be diagrams of that online, but. Oh, yeah, zero for me. Also, dinosaur cock cannot be good. Yeah, I don't know if there'll be diagrams of that online, but... Well, it's a reptile. I don't want to say. You don't have to. You don't have to.

It'll just have, like, a patch, probably. A patch is honestly so much nicer than the ape cock you saw before. Or like a snake where it's, like, two dicks. Oh, it might be a two-dick situation. Amphibians got the patch, dude. Yeah. Well, amphibians, that's landphibians got the patch, dude. Yeah. Well, amphibians, that's land and sea, right? Yeah.

Well, now see, maybe amphibians maybe got the patch. Well, there's paintings and shit of plesiosaur on land. Yeah, yeah. I think people thought of them as kind of like seals. Yeah, that's fair. I don't know if seals have a patch. Seals would for sure have a cock. Probably they got some awful, awful cock.

I think a seal cock is significantly... Ah, the awful, some horrible, awful... God damn. I reckon a seal cock could be fine or just be dog dicky. I think seal pussy, though, that's the worst thing of all time. I can't imagine either of them being awesome. Okay. Well, Jackson, what is an awesome animal genital? the worst thing of all time. I can't imagine either of them being awesome to me. Okay. Well, Jackson, what is an awesome animal genital?

Human being. That's a pretty good dick. That seems pretty normal to me. Yeah. Anything else you said is stretching, you know? What's the next category? Dickie Day's not happening.

And yes, providing for the fam. Can hunt. If we like fish, it's fine. But you don't. I don't. And I guess if we do like fish, you don't like eggs. Yeah, dude. You don't like thick shakes.

Yeah. I've got a lot of problems. Yeah, doesn't like chili dogs. Doesn't like chili dogs? What do I've got a lot of problems. Yeah, doesn't like chili dogs. Doesn't like chili dogs? What do you eat? You've seen me. You pick an item from any menu you go to at random and then have a five out of ten time.

Yeah. That's good. I guess, yeah. Well, if you like fish, great. But isn't it only one type of fish? Yeah, apparently. There's not much biodiversity in the loch, yeah. There's that toad.

Don't kill the toad. What fish are in Loch Ness? And what do they taste like? Yeah, I don't know because I don't... Okay, so nothing... Yeah, what are we rocking, dude? What are we talking? Anything good?

Mighty Atlantic salmon. Salmon? A famously good fish. I like salmon. A bunch of different trouts. Okay. Can you eat trout? Yeah, you can eat trout.

Isn't that how you get trout? Visit Scotland.com is trying to convince me it's awesome to fish there. Yeah. May you catch a Nessie? Well, I think the thing is that with Nessie Let's think about this Let's take this in a broad We're not playing catch Mum's not dicking it down

It's not giving us advice It's just like an animal we know that gives us fish It's like a worse dog Yeah it's become a worse dog that we don't see very often Can we Try and just like take a photo of Nessie And make some cash ourselves? Is that allowed in this scenario?

Yeah, well, it's a family photo. As long as we're all wearing shitty sweaters. Well, then we can make some money off Nessie. Kind of providing for us a little bit. I think Nessie is going to end up coming out roughly the same as Bigfoot. 1.5 out of 5. I reckon even just less. Yeah, I don't think it's really playing cash.

If you throw a ball at Nessie, nothing's happening. I think it's really playing catch. Because, yeah, it's not really. If you throw a ball at Nessie, nothing's happening. I think it's a one. Nessie catches it. Maybe. Yeah, you throw it above its head. Yeah, but what are we throwing? Are we throwing a ball? And it doesn't hit.

It floats. Yeah, that's true. One. One. Nessie's looking pretty grim. All right. Is it? Okay, what other cryptids we got?

That may be a bit more humanoid than, say, Bigfoot. What about one that was born a human? Okay. But was cursed by its mother. Talk about the Jersey Devil. The Jersey Devil. Okay. Is it devil?

Hot. Yeah, yeah. No, it sort of looks like a horse crossed with a duck. No, but devils are hot. Not this one. Well, it depends. It's also a bit goat-y. Yeah, it'sils are hot. Not this one. No, it depends. It's also a bit goat-y. Yeah, it's got a-

Not to be confused with goat-sy. A famous hoax, a famous Jersey Devil hoax is a guy painted a kangaroo green and kept it in a cage and charged people to see it. Nobody had seen a kangaroo at this time, so they were like, what the fuck? A few different versions of the jerseys. Okay. Because that one's got a fish head. There's one with a fish head and talons.

But I like the first one that's on the Wikipedia. That is the most iconic Jersey Devil photograph. Photograph drawing. Yeah, horse hooves, some kind of forked tail, bat wings, long horse-like neck,

horse face. Yeah, horse face. With horns. The story of the Jersey Devil, one of the myths is that there was a woman, you looked it up recently, Dushu might have her name, and she'd had a bunch of kids. She'd had 12 children. That's too many children. They were all too nice, right?

No, she just, she had, so there's two versions of this story. Yeah. One version is that she just was sick of being pregnant, so she cursed her 13th child. Probably a mistake. That's funny. When it was born, it was born as a regular child, but then transformed in front of onlookers

and then started growling and screaming and started whipping everyone there with its tail and then fled up the chimney. Awesome. Okay. The other version is... So it is humanoid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's human. It was human. Yes. Yeah, yeah yeah It's human It was human Yes Yeah yeah It just visually looks different Oh yeah And Mother Leeds Mother Leeds Sometimes I think it's also known as the Leeds Devil

So kind of like Jane Leeds If we go into say the Marvel Universe Okay And oh no You've given birth to a Nightcrawler Yeah Oh it's a demon baby

Except Disgusting Yucky Smells like sulfur But it is in fact human And, oh, no, you've given birth to a nightcrawler. Yeah. Oh, it's a demon, baby. Except. Disgusting, yucky, smells like sulfur. But it is, in fact, human. It never. So it's still human. All right. Yeah, fair enough. You know what?

For the sake of not having mom bone down with another animal. Or get you some X-Men. Beak. Yeah, yeah. Looks like a full-on chicken man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But is a guy. Is a guy.

Is a guy. Regular personal word. Regular person. Yeah. So the other version is that Jane Leeds, Mother Leeds, was, yeah. But he's a guy. He's a guy. Regular personal word. Yeah, so the other version is that Jane Leeds, Mother Leeds, was a witch, and the child's father was a devil himself. Okay, nice, nice.

But I like the curse one better. Yeah, me too. So the Jersey Devil, like a lot of cryptids or whatever, allegedly comes around during times of great distress. I know there's also a famous story about a bunch of people... Sounds good for us as like... Yeah, it's useful. You know, children of like... We're going through it.

Mom's going off again. She's really, yeah, off the deep end, to be honest. There's also stories about people firing cannons at her. That's pretty cool. When they see it in the sky. All right, so...

Can fly. Can fly. So they can pick us up. Yeah, that's true. Does it have hands for catch? Sometimes it has hands. Oh, okay. have hands for catch? Sometimes it has hands. Oh, okay. All right.

Okay. Sometimes it has hands. What about the horse bird one? What's the situation there? So there's one which does not have, it has like horse hooves for like legs and then it's got only bat wings for arms. So it's got nothing there. Right, right.

But there are some where he's got little arms. Okay. That's good for catch. So he might have arms. I like the one where he's got a fish head because, that's good for catch. So he might have arms. I like the one where he's got a fish head because it looks like he could be like, give me the ball, give me the ball, give me the ball. Oh, that's good.

I mean, show me the give me the ball one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's almost in a position of maybe he's even thrown said ball. He could have been already throwing catch. I don't know. That to me is like someone that we could play catch with. Absolutely. So I just did a little bit of research.

The Jersey Devil could also be a ghost of a guy called Titan Leeds. Okay. Hey, a ghost is good. Still a guy. Do we want to pick the ghost to try and stack the odds in our favor? Well, ghosts can't play catch. Ghosts can't play catch.

But Ghostbusters has taught us that ghosts can suck okay yeah yeah that's good that's good that's good okay yes well what what if we kind of combined okay that it was like maybe it was a cursed tom leads was his name titan leads titan awesome name titan leads uh so a little bit like fucked up looking but also a ghost okay all right so humanoid is there also a jersey devil Okay, all right. So humanoid-esque. Isn't there also a Jersey Devil theory that's a horse just got in a tree? Probably. How did a horse get in a tree?

I don't know. That would freak me out, too. That would really scare me. Horses aren't ghosts. I think if I saw a horse in a tree regularly, I'd think it was the devil. Yeah. Horse in a tree. Because like what the fuck?

Did it jump? What the fuck? How'd it get up there? I don't know. What's scarier, if it's looking at you or if it is not looking at you? I think if it's looking at you. How high up? I don't know.

It's like a pine tree. It's the Jersey Pine Barn. But how high up a tree would you be worried? I would say, honestly, anything that's higher than my head is scary. Yeah, it would fuck me up quite significantly. Yeah. Okay. So, catch?

Could probably do. Yeah. Whatever. Great. It's a horse that got his head stuck in a tree. Do you want to look at this? Yes, please. It's a fucking horse.

He's sitting down. That's awesome. I think for advice if your family hates you run into the woods seems like bad advice yeah that's true

that's true but also could hit you with do as I say not as I do do not abandon your family maybe the Jersey Devil you know over the intervening years

has learned well I guess I abandoned my family and I've lived in the woods for a long time I got cursed by a mother and now I suck off bad juju so now it's like,

hey, I see what terribleness is around there and I can kind of give you advice and see what other people are doing. Be nice to your mother. Be nice to your mother. Be nice to your kids. Yeah, yeah.

Don't shoot a cannon at me. That was in 1909. That was reported all of a sudden there was just heaps of... So the original version Happens in like the 16th The 17th or 18th century

Then in 1909 For some reason There's a wave of sightings Yeah police open fired And nothing happened That's awesome That's I mean you would

What are you gonna do Fair enough It's funny You see a horse in a tree You're shooting that horse there I'm shooting from my hip. The sound of the horse falling out of the tree. Oh, incredible.

Because it gets shot, the horse would be spooked, so it would rear up. Oh, no. That would be scary if it didn't. That's one mangled horse. Yeah, that's pretty. It's not getting down. It's going higher Okay

Providing for the family Okay Or dicking down mum What do we want to do next Okay Well let's go I guess dicking down mum Yeah

So as a Can suck off Can suck off Ghosts can suck off Yeah I think it could pleasure mum Yeah If a ghost in Ghostbusters Can give Dan Aykroyd the suck job of his lifetime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could probably eat someone out. Spooky dooky gluck gluck 5,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if the ghost devil is sucking off all those bad vibes, mom is at this point surely chockers, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe this would be very cleansing for mom. It might be.

Maybe she'll in a way be healed by getting eaten out by the Jersey Devil. Yeah. Kind of like the thing that cleanses you at the same time is pretty hectic. It's pretty good for one. It's kind of like

an exorcism by a devil. Yeah, that's true. I can only think about the sensation of coming mixed with the sensation of feeling like all the bad energy has left me all at once.

Well, coming. Yeah, yeah. But it's kind of like if you came at the same time as you had an incredible revelation the sensation of feeling like all the bad energy has left me all at once. Well, I'm coming. Yeah, but it's kind of like if you came at the same time as you had an incredible revelation in therapy. Yeah, like an epiphany. Oh my god. Wow. I don't know what that might... Shut me down.

I might crumple in the chair like a marionette. It's kind of like that old urban legend type thing where it was like someone knew a guy, knew a guy, went home with someone, and they were getting all frisky. As they were doing it, the person then put a car battery on their nipples, and so then they pissed, shat, and vomited all at the same time. Oh, man. So I guess if it was something like that.

Cleansing. Cleansing. Pissing and cumming at the same time. Isn't that impossible? Well, with a car battery involved, I don't think anything's possible. Yeah, that's true. That's awesome. Wow.

I guess, yeah, mum, I think, wait, great time. And also then things would be nicer at my house. Mum might come out and be like, hey, kids, my 32 plus year old sons, I'm sorry I said that about how much I love cum. I'm sorry I went to the woods to find you, Dad. I was going through it, but this is your new dad, the Jersey Devil, and he sucks the bad out of me. Mom, please.

Hypothetically, yeah. No. No, no, no. He got his tongue so far up there, wrapped around the bad vibes. Pulled it out. He's got his long time I think you fucked up still okay I think you just feel bad right out of me. Wow.

Mom, I do not like talking to you. That is the devil, mother. Or a horse. Either way, I'm so upset. Okay. Good for mom, bad for us. Providing for the fam. What can the Jersey Devil provide?

Doesn't have a job. Lives in the woods. Yeah. I don't know if he can hunt. Doesn't hunt. Not really. Hunts bad vibes. Yeah. I think this is a big cross.

Yeah. I don't think the Jersey Devil's here. Providing for the family and advice. But advice could be good. Advice could be good. He's lived a long life. Yeah. He's made a lot of mistakes. And he's made arguably human.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he can actually talk to us. Yeah. Is the Jersey Devil pushing a three? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, wins by yeah. So it can actually talk to us. Is the Jersey Devil pushing a three? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it wins by default. I think the Jersey Devil wins by default. Well done, Jersey Devil.

Well done, the Jersey Devil. Congratulations. You did it. Mom, maybe date a normal person. Pick a human being next time. I don't know, dude. Yeah, that'd be nice, Mom. Yeah.

That'd be good for us. That'd be good for you. I think it's really the best move. Yeah. I miss when you were dating Wario, which is insane to say. Yeah, that is bad. Yeah. Well, happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween. Spooky episode. Spooky episode. Dude, I'm pissing in my pants. Let us know in the comments below. Or email us. Are gorilla pussies shallow? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You let us know what interesting facts scared you the most in this episode. Do you wish we turned the laptop to face the camera so you too could see the gorilla cocks? Or are you happy

we saved you from that face? You let us know. Is drinking... I drank three full drinks this episode. Is that good? Are they all done? Yeah, they're all done.

Spooky. Holy shit. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been spooky also, Joel. Happy Halloween. Spooktober. Boo.

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