Plumbing the Death Star - Why Do Siths Take Apprentices?

Episode Date: March 2, 2015

In which our heroes succumb to the Dark Side, give into our anger and with each passing moment make ourselves more our master’s servant and almost immediately start plotting to overthrow him, which makes us wonder why do Siths even take apprentices. We discuss the Sith's lack of foresight, Anakin’s poor grasp of the English language, and Yoda's unfortunate swamp brain. Jackson needs all Star Wars explained through the Karate Kid, Zammit can't pronounce anything right, and Duscher just wishes he wasn't so sick. So join us as we decide to train up too many apprentices, go outside and check the force-tank, keep a weary eye on the outer rim and try not to get a lightsaber in our dicks.Want to help train the next generations of Sith? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in their dark side infused lives.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty six books about learning a skilled trade. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sam Spence Radio, this again. This week's episode is brought to you by Lewis Smith, Adam Brown, and Zoe Please Marry Me. The answer to all those names is yes. Enjoy today's episode. Love you. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, why do Siths take apprentices? in questions like, why do Siths take apprentices? I'm going to apologize in advance because I'm kind of sick this week, listeners, so don't expect much excitement from Team Dusha. Oh, boy.

Okay, so Siths. We all know Siths. We all know what they do. They're the bad Jedi. They're Jedi, right. Now, the Jedi Council, they've got shit together. We all know what they do. They're the bad Jedi. They're the bad Jedi. Right. Now, the Jedi Council, they've got shit together. Well, they had shit together. They knew what they were doing.

They had a big house. They were okay. So they had like a big old temple, and they're like, let's just train as many Jedi as we can because let's all have a fun time and hug each other. They made a school. They did. I think that was in a video game.

A Jedi Academy, if you will. Right. Yes. In fact, the Jedi Temple is almost a Jedi Academy all the time Yoda's a teacher, he teaches those younglings In the Star Wars universe, kids is not a word

I'm pretty sure of what I recall Zanuck and a kid And someone called Kid Fisto Kid Fisto Oh not Kid Fisto No, Kid Fisto. Kit. Kit Fisto. Oh, not Kid Fisto. No, Kid Fisto is not a good name. Kit Fisto, sick name. Alright. He dies like a punz, though. Yeah, but he's sick before. Which one is he? Is he a podracer?

No, he's a squid-looking motherfucker that the Emperor or Darth Sidious just destroys. I don't know him. In about maybe four seconds. It's dumb. Anyhoo. I kind of want to get angry about that,

but it's just a side note. So Mace Windu, before he's going to confront the Emperor, because you're the Sith Lord we know about, I'm going to grab my three sweet Jedi bodies to let's go and fight him because we's three, we're all Jedi fucking masters two of them die within about five seconds, Kit Fisto puts up a decent fight of about ten and a half

seconds, and then it's just Mace Windu one on one I feel like that's Samuel L. Jackson's I want to put the blame squarely on his well-toned shoulders So, in the Star Wars universe, there is something called, the Sith have this thing of the rule of two.

Yeah. Which is there can only be one master and one apprentice, and that's it, nothing else. So there's always just two happening at one time. And how they go about when things change is that the apprentice will kill the master, and then they become the master, and then the cycle repeats itself, right? Is there a reason why?

Looking into it, it was also equally as dumb. This guy called Darth Bane made it happen because he's like, no, it's unruly. It was a way to make the Sith not be as power-hungry or something like that. But, like, what if... So, like, I'm, like, an apprentice or whatever, and I've got my master and he's training me,

but I'm, like, halfway through. I'm not great yet. And then it's like, holy shit, there's this other Sith popping up, and I'm like... And he's like, you've just got to kill me. There's got to be two, mate. Well, that's pretty much what happens.

That's all the Emperor is like you know it's like darth maul is there and then he's like oh he dies i'll get someone else it's count dooku and then in front of count dooku he's kind of like no no then you the who i'm getting grooming for the next um sith apprentice kill him you could you can kind of just see this is a betrayal in count dooku's face i just don't know i didn't know this was gonna happen like i get where they're coming from like hey less sith less infighting neat but like four yeah two seems just like a ridiculous level of like the fact that they follow the rules no it's a very like hey i know this is impractical and gonna fuck us over but i gotta end your life and it always ends the same way, in treachery.

So Darth Sidious... So nobody's expecting it? Sort of. Well, Darth Sidious tells a story of the tragic tale of Darth Plagueis and how he could stop everyone from dying except himself because Darth Sidious murdered him in his sleep. Jedi powers just not wake you up. I don't know.

You should be, like, your force aware. Surely, like... Oh, Jesus Christ. And then when Anakin, young Anakin Skywalker, becomes the new Sith Lord, within about a good 20 minutes, maybe a good half hour, he's like, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to betray the Emperor, kill him, and me and you, Padme, we can rule the universe as king and queen, husband and wife. Surely that's not like the first time it's happened either. Like, how long have Sith been Sith? Since the dawn of time? Originally there was like a Jedi, a Sith Order thing. Was it Darth Bane who was like, how do you even propose that?

You're like, so I've got this new system. I'm going to kill all of you except for me and my other lad. Yeah, because I think this is... There's too much going on. There's too much infighting, guys. Darth Bane. Okay. Now that's a movie I want to see.

Honestly, Darth... It's the politics of like... Well, in the prequels, if they didn't set that up, it means that the Clone Wars could have been something fucking sick of just, like, Jedi and Sith just going to town on each other. Yes. Like, non-stop lightsaber fights. Yeah, because if you had that many Jedi and that many Sith,

surely... That's the whole... It just doesn't make sense. Like, if you have the Sith and you're like, the Jedi are like a sworn enemy, there's a billion of them. I know, right? The best way to take them down is to cut our numbers down to two. Like, let's be weaker is probably the best way to go about this. I think it was because one of the crazy Sith,

and it might have been Bane, it might have been another one. Seems like this Darth Bane is the cause of a lot of problems. Got some crazy ideas. He was of the opinion that the more Jedi and Sith there are, there is a finite amount of force. So the more they are is the weaker I become. He had no idea about midichlorians, apparently. So when there's less Sith, I can tap into more of the force.

Hey. So it's kind of like we have one leader of force. There's ten of us. 100 mil each. 100 mil each. Na, na, na, na, na. I want two of us. 100 mil each. 100 mil each, na-na-na-na-na. I want two of us, 600 mil for me, 400 mil for you. It's sound reasoning.

That's pretty much, basically Bane had a glass of water he didn't want to share. Well, he only wanted to share once. With one other guy. So if Darth Bane just went, did he, is that why they're trying to exterminate the Jedi? Because if they get rid of all the Jedi, then there's more force to go around? Maybe. Because that's pretty sick.

But as we discovered in the midichlorian episode, that is not the case. So it's kind of funny to imagine that Jedi, old school Jedi, sort of like old school science for us now. We're looking back at the 1800s. They were fucking idiots. The humans with the bile.

They would just put fucking leeches on shit. That'll sort you out. We got scientific with it now. We know it's about midichlorians. Hey, so this Darth Pelagius. Plagueis, yeah. He could stop himself from dying. He could stop anyone from dying.

He had so much control of the force. Could Anakin do that? With midichlorians that... One of us is saying midichlorians wrong. It's either you or me. Because I'm saying midichlorians, that? With midichlorians that... One of us is saying midichlorians wrong. It's either you or me. Because I'm saying midichlorians, you're saying midichlorian. Either or. I think you both say midichlorians.

Again, watching... You know how Padme? You know how Anakin pronounces Padme? How? Padame. He's the only one that does it. Oh, Padame. Everyone else is Padme. I don't understand Star Wars pronunciation, guys. Pronunciation?

It's pretty funny for him to be like, Miss Padme-a Skywalker. Padme-a Skywalker. Padme-a Skywalker. It's Padme. It's Padme of Naboo. Padme. Padme. That's why their relationship but could anakin start people dying uh well the whole thing with the darth plagues

thing is that he did teach people how to do it and it's like the force ghost kind of thing oh okay is it yeah i thought qui-gon did that yeah no but like is it like how are they still discovering new force tricks because how are they losing force tricks? Plagueis was like, I can stop people from dying. Yeah. The emperor, who was his apprentice,

was like, I can teach that to you, young Anakin. Does he? I don't think he does. Well, Anakin dies. So I feel like the answer is probably no.

The emperor also dies. So I feel like someone fucked up. I'll tell you why nobody knows all these old Force tricks because the Sith are like, kill everyone Pelagius is like, hey I've got this whole new power they're like, hmm, there needs to be two how do you decide what to?

you get like a million Sith and it's like, alright and also, well, let's just take straws going back to the Darth Bane's idea of there being a finite amount, there is talk when Mace Windu is going, I feel my Force powers diminishing because of the Sith Lord is rising in power. So maybe they were onto something.

No, but it's midichlorians. Midichlorians. Midichoreans. Midichoreans. It's the midichoreans in your bloodstream. Is Mace Windu just an idiot? Is he like, oh, my force power's weakening. They're like, mate.

Mate, how old's that textbook? Dude, what are you? He's like, no, it's the right way. Science. He's a young Earth creationist. Well, I guess with the Jedi thing, every time a Jedi's talking about Sith and sentient, they say it in a different, dumb way like i feel my force power is draining maybe

it's because like sort of like fog the other thing is sort of like we're clouding the oh so that's another power the sith have no it's not like a power it's sort of like poisoning the water supply yeah because like apparently the whole premonitions they can see shit as well That's another force power And Yoda's kind of like I can't see shit Because the Sith are clouding my premonitions Just Yoda walking around You couldn't see it listeners But Xamarin had his hands up in the air

Just Yoda being like blind I can't see shit Can't see shit Can I See shit I cannot And Myron was like I can't see shit. Mmm, shit. Can't see shit, can I? See shit, I cannot. And my run was like, can I can't see shit? Mmm, see shit, I cannot.

Fucking Yoda with his mmm, like everything he's realised is a bit of a revelation. Mmm! I also think Yoda's very, he's not very wise, they say he's wise but he's not he gets swamp brain in between episode 3 and 4 he gets mega swamp brain because he's advised to Luke Skywalker you know listen to Obi-Wan

you should you want to say listen to Obi-Wan you should try or no You want to say, oh, this will do it a bit more than you should. Try or no. Do or do not. Do or do not. There is no try.

There is no try. That's the worst advice you can give anyone. Like, you either do it or you don't. There's no in between. But with the force, that makes sense. Why? Yes, because, like, with the force, you shouldn't be thinking about it you should just be doing it so is the force like instinct?

is it like breathing? I hate the force guys I'm going to just say that now I, Jackson Bailey, want nothing to do with it but is it like breathing then? I have no control over it, it just happens I don't try and breathe it just happens guys

I can stop myself there's not really an actual thing that's like a good comparison. It's sort of just like, because if you're thinking about it, you're trying to like force the force. Yeah. And that just doesn't work. It's got to sort. But, I mean, is that like a blockage?

No, you know when major athletes or people, performers, and they sort of get all up in their own head space so they can't actually do stuff? Yeah. Is it like that? Actually, I do have a real-life example. It's like trying to force an erection. Oh, you're just going to let it come.

You can't just be like, I'm going to get a boner right now. I'm going to try it now, listeners. Oh, my God, you're very erect. Jackson, what the fuck? A little bit of movement. Yeah, no, you can move your dick, but you can't just... No, I'm getting nothing. You can't just go from, get nothing you can't just go from

like you can't just go from flaccid to fucking full midnight flaccid to midnight 10 flaccid to midnight um yeah okay hey that explains the force a bit uh so okay why that bullshit aside why would there be the belief that that there is a finite amount of force? Was no one doing studies? How do you not find midichlorians? Well, it's a Sith. Ain't nobody been looking at blood beforehand? Well, because it's a Sith, you could just assume that he's crazy.

He could be crazy. He could be power hungry. Also, when you want to study something, you kind of got to look at it as all encompassing thing and the jedi have this very like the jedi council are very much do not study the dark arts so the the dark side of the force i wonder if they offer defense against the dark arts there i hope so i really don't just go fucking palpatine teaching it it'd be like a young jedi with palpatine's face in the back of his head or in a turban literally no one does that you could have a face in the back of your head and we'd be like yeah

that's pretty normal it's fucking star wars i don't think i'd say that with them and be like mate it's fucking star wars do what you like in your head we're not fast you want some fucking snake tails out of it sick Sick. Good, good. You fit in better now. Your tongue should be another face. It's the kind of shit we love. You're installed. So I guess there's, because, yeah, Darth Bane was a long time ago.

I forget how long, but it was a fair chunk of a while back. Imagine a Jedi with Bane's voice from Dark Knight Rises is real good. Yeah, every time you say Darth Bane Well Lightsaber a man Alright Did you say lightsaber man? Lightsaber a man

I don't know what joke I thought you were trying to make A lightsaber man Like a stick figure but all lightsabers That's what you're picturing I thought you were like being Bane against Batman, but because it's Star Wars, you went to lightsaber man. And I was like, that might be the dumbest joke in the world. But you weren't.

But I can't let me do a young Bruce Wayne falling down a well and then being attacked by flying lightsabers. I have to make them fear what I do. Cutting him, but also cauterizing his wounds. Well, no, because with lightsabers that you fucking train with, you can turn lightsabers down to just a burn. No, no, no. Those are training sabers.

These are wild lightsabers. Just hanging in a well for 20 years. There's a cave under Wayne Manor. There is lightsaber caves, but you only get crystals from it, not lightsabers flying at you. Wait, no, it makes sense. I was going to say get crystals from it Not lightsabers Flying at you I was going to say what are lightsabers But I don't want to know Because it's like a mixture of crystals

And a light beam Don't want to know So yeah I guess there's not a lot of scientific study Happening at the time All there is and he's just a Sith so he doesn't give a fuck. Well, no, because the Jedi don't want to do it because the Jedi don't want to study the Dark Force.

Here's a question that I just don't understand from Star Wars. Why the fuck are the Jedi so worried about bringing balance to the Force? Because they're already winning. The balance is already... It's tipped in their favor. I reckon what it is... You know how they're like, I feel a disturbance the force i realize it's just like that this background thing

in the back of the head they're like something's off yeah oh i'd like like when you got like a little nick like you got something in your eye they're like i'd really just like to like sort that out like whatever kind of like you know have i turned off the stone they're like oh it's there it's there if i could just be balanced to the force i wouldn't be stressing all the time um no because like what did they think bringing balance to the force, I wouldn't be stressing all the time. No, because what did they think bringing balance to the force was killing the Sith? Balance for them isn't light and dark being equal, it's just all light.

I'm going to cure global warming by just making it daytime 24-7. Nothing but ice cubes everywhere. Actually, that makes more sense. Nothing but ice cube everywhere. Again, this comes down to what do we mean by the balance of the force? And so the Jedi firmly believe that the force exists in nature as a positive thing, as in the light side is what it is in nature. The dark side of the force is the natural light side being corrupted.

So Sith are like orcs. Sort of. The Sith are kind of like hey i'm sure if i liked or understood lord of the rings i would agree with you so i'm gonna just pretend that i do and say yes i'm gonna go with i have i know i understand lord of the rings and no no no it's like the uruk-hai like a corrupt version of the fucking thing it's kind of like a corrupted elf that's an orc are the orcs that's an orc mate yep so then yes yes yes okay let it be known that i wasn't lying when i said that and you're a fucking idiot

are the orcs corrupted elves yes all right then that's why isn't it the uruk-hai i thought it was no the orc is a corrupted elf and then an uruk-hai is when they're like let's beef up this orc with steroids i'm like just bringing him back from the dead or something i don't understand lord of the rings even less than I understand Star Wars. Mud people. Mudbloods. Yeah, so... Another universe I don't understand.

So you've got the light, yeah, the Jedi are basically saying, look, the light side, the light is what, you know... The basic is what it is. That's the Force as is. When the dark side start using it, it is all corrupted and that's bad, so we need to wipe out all of the dark side start using it it's all corrupted and that's bad so we need to wipe

out all of the um the sith and that's it like there is there is no movement for the jedi i like the idea of like again hey light side dark side let's have a bit of gray and there is such a thing as like the gray jedi yeah and they're like hey you can't have a little bit of good with that little bit of bad it's all good and they're like that's that's the way a famous quote from a star wars film yep a bit of good a bit of bad a good little bit of bad, it's all good. And they're like, that's the way it is. That's a famous quote from a Star Wars film. Yep. Bit of good, bit of bad. Little bit of good, little bit of bad. Star Wars. How about a bit of both?

I'm pretty sure Padme said that. Hey, I want to be a Sith. Hey, Anakin, you got to have a little bit of good, little bit of bad. And Jar Jar's like, yes! Party with the Jedi Council. Good times. Do you think the Sith and the Jedi Council,

are they paying attention to each other? Also, that just reminded me about the slaughtering of the younglings. So many times in the prequel trilogy Jedi, because it comes up with Count Dooku, it's like he's under arrest. How many fucking times do you see a Jedi arrest someone? Never.

All of them just murder people. My favourite is Mace Windu. When he's finally arresting Senator Palpatine, so he's finally arresting Senator Palpatine. So he's got him by the... Palpatine. Palpatine. Padme. Padme. Who knows, guys? Han Han. There's no consistency.

Yeah, but... Hans. Yeah, but... Hans Olo. Watch it again and just pay attention to Lando. His best friend fucks up his name. It's beautiful. Yeah, but like some people call you Joel, I call you cunt face. It's the same thing. A little bit of call me, a little bit of call me.

A little bit of good, a little bit of bad. A bit of both. A bit of both. Yeah, exactly. What were we talking about? I just completely stopped thinking. We're talking about arresting... Oh, right, yeah.

So when Mace Windu is about to arrest this Jedi... Oh, sorry, I'm going to arrest this prick. Sith Lord. Sith Lord. Sith Lord. And something happens, and he's like, no. No, he's lightening him, and he deflects it with his lightsaber, something that is never seen happening ever again in the series.

And then he's like, no, I'm not going to arrest him. He turns in about a good 30 seconds. He goes from, I'm arresting him, to, no, I'm just going to cut off his head. I'm just going to cut off his head. And then Anakin's like, no, you've got to arrest him. He's like, he goes from I'm arresting him to, no, I'm just gonna cut off his head. I'm just gonna cut off his head. And then Anakin's like, no, you gotta arrest him. He's not cutting off his head. His lights, like he's using his own lightning just destroying his own face. And he's just like

yeah, fuck you, mate. Fuck you. And Anakin's like, no, arrest him. And they're like nah, mate. Let's not. Push him out a window. I mean. Yes! I meant to say window. He cuts off his hands and he falls out the window

yeah he wants to arrest him and then he turns on a dime and he's like I'm gonna I'm gonna wipe him out I'm gonna kill him because you know what

Mace Windu my mate's thinking he's thinking hey all this shit about Anagan it's gonna be me that brings balance to the force people will never forget my name

Mace fucking Windu Mace Windu is a fucking idiot he's like hey he had a mountain named after him it's all right fast forward 18 years no one mentions him ever again mace window mace window i know i know a guy fell out of wind and that's how we got the name window yeah um also that they were just really glass squares star wars has so many different names but there's Dooku and Windu. That's the same name guys.

No it's not. Just be like hey we're introducing two new characters in this film. One's Mace Windu one's Count Dooku. I guess that's kind of like That's just rhyming. Surely someone is bothered by that. If you were talking about

Saruman and Sauron in Lord of the Rings, I'd be like, yeah, fair enough. That was an odd choice. Like, that was a very similar name. That also makes me mad. Like Bilbo Baggins and Frodo Baggins? That's the same last name, guys. I know.

I really thought you were going to go with those two rhymes, so that's weird. Bilbo Frodo. They don't rhyme, do they? Baggins rhymes with Baggins, though. Very good point. So, yeah. So Mace Windu does turn on a dime about wanting to arrest a kill.

Anakin also does the same thing about Count Dooku. He's like, I'm going to arrest you. And then he's like, nah. I've got two lightsabers up to your head, mate. You're done. Maybe the Sith have the right idea. Maybe the Sith. Just like two.

Just two will do you. How about this? We live in the Star Wars universe. We have a shit rat. Also, just hang on. I have a theory on what you just said about the turning on the dime thing. Like the whole foggy force. Palpatine is right

there both times that happens. Oh, good point. Cloud in the judgment. Cloud in the judgment. Yeah, because Anakin's like, no, we're going to arrest him. Kills Mace Windu. And then he's like, I'm Darth Vader now. I guess kill kids? Is that? I mean, that's what I feel like doing.

Yeah. All right. That's a good theory. And then the Emperor is just like, arise, Lord or Darth Vader. And Anakin's like, that's a sick name. Fuck yeah, I'll be that guy. Which to me is just a great. Did he have that planned?

Like that name? Or was it like on the moment he's like, shit, need to give him a name. Darth Vase. He's looking at Darth Windu. No, he... Darth Windu? Darth Vader.

I like to think he looked at a vase and then a ladder. Darth Vase-der. Yeah, all right. Good. It's like a stormtrooper on a ladder Darth Vader yeah alright good it's like a stormtrooper on a ladder putting your face on a shelf

it's like should I not be here I'll get down this feels like a very private moment between just you two somebody tell me but I think you're

I think you override what he's I'll go and the good part about this moment is we can jump back into the original question why does this take apprentices?

That makes sense because apprentices are usually the ones that get fucked over. It's rare for a master. Out of all of these examples. Oh, that's true. That fucking guy that was like, I can cure death. Pelagus. Sidious is like, no, you're fucking asleep. You can't make.

Lightsaber in the dick. Yeah. Face. Maybe in the dick. Maybe one in the face. He doesn't say he's not in the dick yeah face maybe it's not in the dick so yeah i'll allow it that would be the best line it's just like yeah the terrible tale of joth plague has thought he could cure death and then he got stabbed in the dick how do you know who's stabbed in the dick? Palpatine? Just like Anakin being like That's a story for another day

He's like, so what am I supposed to learn from this? Fuck up, you get stabbed in the dick Okay Good advice Because yeah, that's a monster being fucked over But Maul dies, Dooku dies Anakin Kills Sidious

But Sidious has a pretty good run before that Sidious is an old man by the end of days and there are also sneaky secret apprentices let's not forget them in the EU let's say oh I was like EU what extended universe

no extended universe expanded universe Marvel cinematic universe I am in the Marvel cinematic universe No, the extended universe. Expanded universe. Expanded universe. Marvel Cinematic Universe. Pronouncing things odd all day every day. I am. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Yeah, in the extended universe, there are sneaky Sith apprentices. Yeah, so I think the Lord Vader has one called Starkiller.

Shitty name. Nuts. Wait, who has it? Vader. Vader. Does he kill Stark? He calls him Starkiller. Oh, right.

Vader was a better name. Force Awakens. No, not Force Awakens. That's Force Unleiller. Oh, right. Vader was a better name. Force Awakens. No, not Force Awakens. That's Force Unleashed. Saying it now, Vader was a better name. Vader Slatter is better than Starkiller. The worst part about that is this is taking a step back, but in the original script for the Star War.

Yeah. Yeah. My favorite name. Yeah. Luke's name was going to be Starkiller. Anakin. Anakin, sorry. Anakin Starkiller was the hero.

I mean, Skywalker. Skywalker? Whoa. Skywalker's like, he's walking in the sky, he's living in space. Starkiller is like... He's a bad guy. He's killing sons. No, there was a Luke Skywalker in the original script.

Yeah, he was old. Yeah Basically he was Ben Kenobi But Luke Skywalker, old shitty man And then there was Anakin Skywalker Sneaky apprentices Like mistresses That's awesome And they all have the exact same goal We're going to train you up

You're going to be a sweet apprentice And then we're both going to kill the Emperor And I'll be the new master. It never works out, guys. Like, you can't have a sneaky Sith apprentice and it not to go tits and horribly wrong. You're not going to leave... Look, he's not going to leave his master for you.

So sneaky apprentice, it's not going to happen. Exactly. And especially, it's extra weird, like, the master, then the apprentice, then the apprentice has an apprentice. What if that apprentice has another apprentice? That sort of just fucks your whole thing. Eventually someone's going to be like, I feel like there's less

force. Something going on. Like everyone just walks out to their force tank in the backyard, they're like this is lower than normal. Something's up. The universe is big. The galaxy is big. You've got your inner rim. You've got your outer rim. You've got your middle rim.

You've just got your rim. Just basic rim you got your outer rim you got your middle rim you've got your you've just got your rim just basic rim yeah entry-level rim no what if like there's another sith lord yeah just like out in the outer room well he's training up an apprentice and they meet up and they're like oh well then they fight to the death i guess i don't know it's pretty awkward yeah if anything two per planet makes more sense. Two per planet is reasonable. Yeah, because traveling in the Star Wars universe is pretty easy. So maybe two per star system? No, two per planet.

What happened when Bane killed all the other Sith? I don't know if he killed them all. Again, my... Order 65. EU. Yeah, Order 65 killed all the other Sith. So say they die in a bus accident. Yeah. Suspicious bus accident. Trag a bus accident yeah um suspicious bus accident tragic

bus accident yeah and they're all dead and it's just bane left and his apprentice and he's like things don't feel so different what if he was like ah that didn't work clearly i don't feel more powerful after that he was probably like i should kill the jedi he was probably just like i should kill everyone or someone killed him after he killed all the Siths because you fucked up, mate. No, it was his apprentice that killed him so he could become the master. See, it was just a cycle.

So yeah, with the question. So after all of this, I feel like, yeah, I can completely understand why a master would take on an apprentice because it's sort of like their fall guy. Not just that. I mean, as a master, as you get older. You need a friend. You not just need a friend, but you think about this.

You're a Sith Lord. Your legacy, where's it going? Someone needs to tell all the sick stories you did. Yeah. You're a Sith Lord. You've accumulated all this power, this wealth, this knowledge of this force. You're going to die one day. You may as well pass this on.

Even the guy who's like... I've cured death. Stabbed him in the dick, bro. Stabbed him in the dick while he was sleeping. If you could cure... Hang on. Hang on. If you could cure death,

how come he couldn't cure sleep? If he could cure death, why couldn't he... Why the fuck didn't he just wake up? No, he just... Why couldn't he... Is Darth Sidious

the world's sneakiest man? Because lightsabers make a noise when they turn on as well and if that didn't wake him... Well, we don't know if he lightsabered him. He could have just

forced lightning or strangled him. Forced lightning to his dick off? Yeah forced lightning his dick off even if he did that regardless of what he did say it was a force choke he's the master he could be just like well I'm gonna force choke you back well think how old Palpatine is right

could have been older again older and shittier Kripplegus could have been real old and shitty And he had no dick at this point Wait was the first dick stabbing just like a failed attempt? Like he woke up and he was like That's not my head And the guy was like

Fuck And then he just had a delight saber in his dick Until the next night I like that he didn't even wait He just tried again the next night Yeah yeah Like he didn't even kill him He was just like Stabbed the dick He's like that he didn't even wait, he just tried to get the next one. Yeah, yeah. I like that he didn't even kill him. Stab him in the dick, he's like, that hurts.

Takes it out. A bit tired still. Back to his... Oh no! And then they... Maybe curing death made him really sleepy. Well, I don't know. Sleep's pretty good.

I'm not bored with it, but if I could cure sleep, I would not. I would. I just feel like... More productive. No, but if I could cure sleep, I would not. If I could cure sleep, I would. I just feel like if you... Be more productive. No, but think about how good that moment of just falling asleep feels. Yeah, but if I could have the force to be like, I'm energizing myself and I don't... Would you cure fucking masturbation?

No, no, no. It's the same thing. No. It's an odd claim to make. No, it's like you'd be more productive if you didn't masturbate. Surely. I suppose. I suppose. If you could remove your central... claim to make you'd be more productive if you didn't masturbate surely but then again I don't masturbate for 8 hours a day

oh okay I can see where the issue with the analogy is see more of a 10 hour a day guy any less than 6 is ridiculous it's really hard to like focus I'm scared to drive if i go for less than six who knows what'll happen i don't know i might just ejaculate behind the wheel maybe he wanted to die maybe he was ready for it maybe he was ready but yeah i can see why you would as an apprentice as a master wants an apprentice to someone she can yeah continue

your line your legacy also you've done all this stuff but then Palpatine you know your apprentice is going to kill you because you keep teaching him this way the rule of two how about no that doesn't exist that was a silly type of idiot I guess the benefit there is that because there's only two of you if you wanted to stop it

you could just be like yeah well I think the thing is like killing your master is because like the master is usually like fucking nuts for the Sith code. Yeah. Killing your master is sort of like the, yeah, you're fucking, you're a real deal now. You've just killed me. Yeah, you're a bad guy.

No, it's just, it's not like that. It's you're ready to be the master because you have out-mastered me. Like when the karate kid. Yeah. No. Kicked that kid in the face. I can say kills Mr. Miyagi. Yeah, exactly like that scene. the karate kid yeah no kicked that kid in the face when the karate kid just fucking kicks mr miyagi right in his dumb jaw yeah yeah um but he's like wax on this motherfucker wax this on

but fair enough rule of two yeah you have to kill your sith to be like the master to become the master that's in a weird way i get that if you're on a level playing field, you know, yeah, I'm clearly more powerful than you. I should be better than you. But Plagueis was sleeping. That's not a fair plague field. And I also feel like just for practicality's sake, there are a lot of Jedis.

It's just probably practical to keep at least, again, per star system so that we're not bumping into each other because awkward. How many Jedi were there? Too many. Like millions? Like a hot 50? Sneaky 10,000. Let's go with that.

Like a sneaky 10,000 and two Sith. So why didn't the Jedi's be like Also, do you know what's fucking dumb about that? So yeah, 10,000 V2, the two fucking win. That's dumb as hell. Well, in V2, the two fucking win. That's dumb as hell. Well, in their defense, the two get like 20,000 clones. Yeah, but they're guns. And clones are disposable, aren't they?

You can just throw a lot of clones at an issue. Yeah, but they had droids before that. And also a bunch of the Jedi's are younglings. I doubt they would put up much of a fight. Does everybody start off as a Jedi? What? What do you mean? As in the Sith?

No. So how do they learn how to make lightsabers? Sometimes they do. A much of a fight. Does everybody start off as a Jedi? What? What do you mean? As in the Sith? No. So how do they learn how to make lightsabers? Sometimes they do. A lot of Jedi are corrupt. A lot of Sith are corrupt Jedi. Well, Dooku's a corrupt Jedi. Anakin is. I don't think Maul was a Jedi.

Does someone make their lightsabers? Is there someone just like sneakily playing both sides against each other to improve his lightsabers? How? Who teaches you? That's one of the ways of becoming a Jedi is that you make your own lightsaber. The Master sort of teaches you how to do it and also it's like force-y.

It's all some force bullshit plus it personalises like a wand. But a wand you make yourself, you don't buy. No, the wand chooses you. Kind of like the lightsaber. The robot has four arms. Grievous.

Yes, Grievous. He had four lightsabers. He stole them off Jedi. I know. All I'm saying is did it feel wrong when he held them? No.

They're not sentient. Like how Anakin and Obi-Wan in episode two end up with fucking not their lightsabers because they've just had that fight with those things

in the arena and Anakin ends up with a green lightsaber. Sure sure he gets his arm cut off like a little bitch yeah he loses a lot of limbs in that series everyone loses a lot of limbs no because like anakin loses his arm there he loses his hand to luke luke cuts off his hand again he also loses two legs and an arm when he's fighting obi-wan in episode three he's natural leg and arms yeah legs and an arm when he's fighting Obi-Wan in episode 3. He's natural leg and arms. Basically, there's a period where he's like he's basically like a little like he's got no arms and legs. He's more of a robot.

A lot of people just lose a lot of hands in that whole series. Do you know what they should put in? Cross guards. They should put in wrist gauntlets. Also smart. Lightsaber gloves. Yes! Imagine punching someone in the face Just like wrist gauntlets. Also smart. Lightsaber gloves?

Yes. Imagine punching someone in the face with a lightsaber. Imagine punching someone in the dick with a lightsaber glove. The dick would just disintegrate as you moved down. Lightsaber Wolverine claws. Schnickety fucking schnick. That's awesome. Imagine the moment your two lightsaber boxing gloves hit, they'd make a...

That's sick as hell. Can I just point out that the best thing about episode one is that song that I just started singing? Oh, no, it's like, oh, the music in that scene. So good. Everything else, though, yeah. No, except the double-ended lightsaber. That's pretty sick.

Oh, that was rad. But I'm encompassing that in that song. So just making a lightsaber is just something you know? No, it's not something you know. It's something you sort of teach, and it's a sort of... What's that word? It's sort of like a master and apprentice bonding sesh. Passage of...

Rite of passage. Sort of like Mr. Miyagi teaching fucking... Wax on. If you could just explain all Star Wars concepts through the karate dude, that'd be swell. We'll do our best. No problem. He's getting...

Yeah, okay, I get it. He's getting best no problem he's getting yeah okay I get it he's getting the idea it's bonding because I think there's a big ritual about it like maybe you have to go into your cave

and pick a do you make the materials and shit for the handle um let's go with no maybe someone does it you do

yes so you're like as well as being a master Sith or a master Jedi you're a fucking like you are a forge you worked a forge

as well you're a bit of a blacksmith but like a future blacksmith yeah yeah an engineer past blacksmith a long time ago can you just decide like why do you just decide like what you have in your lightsaber well yeah because like obi-wan swan was just like what have i had too that's the thing is some's actually dual wield so like why doesn't everyone just do that did the first bonding sesh not quite work

I'm guessing it's about fighting styles I'm gonna try another one cause you could be like I'm better with like a double you know as in

two handed or I'm better with just two one handed and I'm really angry about Qui-Gon he holds his lightsaber like a piece of shit cause he two hand

wields it and just looks dumb oh like a great sword yeah and Obi-Wan's it and just looks dumb. Oh, like a greatsword? Yeah. And Obi-Wan's just like swinging his around in one hand like a mad dog.

Yeah, well, that's just different fighting styles. And one's better than the other. He's got a staff, one's got just a one-hander. Can you choose a gun?

We have lightsaber shields, guys. I just thought that would be kind of cool. Then you're like proper like future knights. Also, because if you had lightsaber shields, blasters would no longer exist.

There was just no chance blasters would exist. Could you just be like, I don't want a lightsaber? Is that okay? Like if the Sith Lord was like, Jackson, it's time to come into the shop, we're going to make you a lightsaber. Yoda doesn't have a lightsaber in episode 4, 5, and 6. It's because he lost it.

Because he's a fucking idiot. Yeah, he dropped it in the sand and he's like, I should pick that up, I should. Nah. Wouldn't it be great if, like, the moment Luke lands in the Dagobah system... He has the fucking force. He could just be like, whoop, got it together.

You're right, he could. But as we just established... Nah. So I like to imagine it like Luke landing in the Dagobah system and he's like, train me up. And Jojo just kind of, like, looks up the swamp where, like, his lightsaber Luke landing in the Dagobah system and he's like train me up and Yoda just kind of like looks up the swamp where it's like he's like in the mud and he's like

for me get to that and Luke just like pulls it out from Yoda's like sick fuck yeah it's like force pushes Luke gets into his X-wing and just trips off Yoda's back!

That's dumb. Yeah, I believe that's how it works. Well, is the Sith way, like, any good? Like, if we're like... I mean, not the Sith, sorry. We're like, yeah, Sith way. It's fine. Jedis, are they doing okay?

Well, the system of training up like at a school thing, so it's sort of more like on terms of... And just throw in other pop culture references. Sort of like in The Karate Kid. There's a school thing so it's sort of more like on terms and just throw in other pop culture references that sort of like in the karate kid how this there's a school dojo yeah it's like a dojo in the karate kid i mean like some get special treatment like the karate kid or anakin but others are just raised in the dojo they turn out okay yeah one gets kicked in the jaw yeah does anakin um eventually win the fight uh i mean not anakin does luke win the fight against darth vader by kicking him in the ball that that is how karate kid ends no he kicks him does Anakin eventually win the fight I mean not Anakin does Luke win the fight against Darth Vader

by kicking him in the balls that is how Karate Kid ends no he kicks him in the face oh my god I've been remembering that film wrong my whole life

there might be a parody where that happens it seems like a thing that people would find funny that we all laughed at it so hey maybe they're right alright so I think the Jedi

have a better idea having an academy because they're raising like a Jedi i think the jedi have a better idea having a because they're raising academy yeah but you can't pay attention to all the jedi and that that would stress me out if i was like in charge it'd be like a teachers though you'd have like one it'd be like teachers if one of your kids could end up ruling the world with evil well yeah it's like when you when you teach a school of children like one of them could just kill a kid one day but okay so you've got like a class of jedi and you've got like this troublemaker up yeah and you're like look i'm gonna i'm gonna have to focus all my attention on him like a teacher with a troubled kid you know what you

do what get fucking master yoda in here either kick him out of the academy or like give him yoda time yeah that's the whole point because it's like well the thing about it it's like yeah look at in terms of teaching you've got with us we have the adult bunch of kids there we're the same kind of level but they we are older wiser we know how to handle ourselves that wasn't i wasn't talking about that same thing that kid wasn't the problem but same thing with the jedis it's we're all four cents and we all know where that was going though like you focus all your attention on that one kid and then the rest of the class get left behind no i was saying what if there's like one kid in the back that doesn't cause a fuss and he just kind of sits

there and he pays attention you still train him up and he still becomes a dick you've just got too many people yeah do you know what's kind of handy about that it's sort of like if you're a teacher of a dojo in the karate kid you can read all of the kids thoughts oh yeah you can do that because it's sort of like in the film you can be like hey stop thinking about murder there's like a big dark cloud over just one of them like this one i don't know because you're clouding my judgment. So, murder? I guess?

I don't... Whatever it is, I'm not okay with it. Yeah, no, it's sort of like in the film Star Wars, how, like, the Force exists. I don't... Unless it's done with the karate kid, I'm afraid I'm not going to understand. Well...

Can you be kicked out of the Academy? Yes. How rough to be an ex Jedi but not even you can get expelled I've read too much extended universe stuff but then if they get expelled from the academy isn't that just prime Sith

making material fuck you buddy get out in the street and he's like fuck a Jedi in the book series Jedi Academy there's like an age where if they don't get picked up to be an apprentice, then soz, mate, get out of town. You're just a fucking force-sensitive spastic roaming around Naboo fucking people up.

And like, Jedi, this guy's just electrocuting people, and they're like, I don't know. No, because like... No one wanted to train him. He was too old. Sorry. Actually, it's sort of us. It's more like I'm bored with what you were saying, like the one-on-one time being better.

It's sort of like being in primary school and you have to get selected to go to a secondary school and don't necessarily get selected. Is there like a public school? No, I think it's sort of... So are you telling me that somewhere in

the Star Wars universe, there's like a guy who made it up to like your basic level. He didn't quite make it to the second level and now he just like sells fish. But uses the force to bring the fish to him. Because that's awesome. I'm on board. It's like the age is like 15 or something. Fishmon Galondo. It's either 15 or 16, which seems

old, but like if it was younger, I'd agree. Because like, okay, sure, you get taken away from family for like a couple of years. You get raised to be a Jedi, but you only get to like basic stuff. It's not like the like, here's how you force electrocute. Yeah, but, you get taken away from family for, like, a couple of years. You get raised to be a Jedi, but you only get to, like, basic stuff. It's not like the, like, here's how you force electrocute cuts. Yeah, but surely you could be like, pick up a fish, put it in the fryer, you know. Throw the fryer at my dad. For cummacy.

Fishmon Garando. Darth Fishmon. He's special powers. He's, like like for summoning fish and just throwing at people electric fish his lightsaber

is an eel an eel okay I was gonna go like something cool like a harpoon but hey

an eel floppy flopping it around they're like is that an eel though yes I was a fishmonger before he's vader's secret apprentice because he's kind of embarrassed by it he doesn't want

to bring him it's not so much like he feels like the emperor will be like the rule of two he's more like hey yeah who's this guy when the emperor is like bring luke before me if he then takes on luke as an apprentice is he gonna have to just kill Vader? No, because at this point Point it to the Emperor, he's like, give a shit Yeah, exactly, that's the whole thing with the rule of two With the Sith, like, the Jedi are the ones that just keep saying that The Sith don't give a fuck

I think they gave a fuck up to a point Maybe the Emperor's got too old and he's stupid Why are we doing that? But then Vader's talking about... Yeah, Vader's like, hey, Luke, join the dark side. We'll fuck up the Emperor. Apprentices, man, they're just power hungry.

So, no, I can understand why. If I was a Sith Master, I'd want a Sith Apprentice. And when he killed me, I'd be like, good job, son. But then I could come back as a Force ghost. And just harass him forever. And be like, why'd you stab me in the dick, you piece of shit? You could have just straightened the head, but that's just humiliating. I wonder if force ghosts...

Well, Luke mentions that in episode four that he felt Ben there with him guiding the missile. So can force ghosts still use the force to a bit? Because that is scary. That is terrifying. And a question for another day so. That is scary. That is terrifying. And a question for another day. We're done here. So the Sith

are just stupid? Yeah. Power hungry idiots? No. Not even Jedi. I think everyone's just dumb. I feel like be a fishmonger.

Throw your fryer at your dad. Use the force. Do whatever. I don't care. I just need to lie down. And on that note I've been Joel. I've't care. I just need to lie down. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've been barely alive. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.