Plumbing the Death Star - Why Would You Interview a Vampire?

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

Your editor's lined up the interview of a lifetime! You're gonna win that emmy but for journalists, a Pulitzer Prize? Weird to call something we give out to people that do a good job at journalism a prize like it's something you won at a carnival handed out by a clown. Anyway, forget Frost/Nixon it's you/a vampire! What an incredible get! You get to sit down and talk to some old guy who spent most of their lives as a shut in except at night. What was it like during the war vampire? What's that? Spent it asleep? Oh how interesting. Want me to describe the sun for you? Christ you suck. The next time your editor asks you to go interview a vampire, be firm in your response and say "no. I do not want to." It'll be the best thing you ever do. Also JD gets distracted by a van in this episode. Like a dog.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Flaming the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. Flaming the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast that asks the important questions like, why would you interview a vampire? What do they gotta say?

Oh, I'm an old guy who was a dead guy and now is an alive guy that makes other guys dead guys or fake dead guys. Or even worse, I'm not even that old, I'm a new guy, now I can't die maybe, and I haven't seen the sun for a while. It would stink to become a vampire. I mean, no, but I mean, I guess you become a vampire now, you're like, I get to see the future.

Yeah. That's pretty cool. Is that exciting? You get to see the future now, up to a point. Yeah, up to a point. But also you get to see the future without aging. Yeah. But you you get to see the future without aging. Yeah. You only get to see the future at night. Well I can wear a hat. You can. Sunscreen. Sunscreen. Does that help? Well it depends on the vampire. Some vampires yes. In the Blade film, Stephen Dorff, he wears a helmet

like keeps out the shade. No. The sun? Keeps out the shade. No son Blittering yeah frost why I Give me like if I was gonna be a vampire So the benefit of being a vampire that I can see is that you get to live forever Yeah, and I get to see the future okay, and I know but then I was thinking what I could do is I just like constantly wear like a gimp suit Then I can go out in the Sun well you can't cuz cuz gimp suit still has eye and mouth holes. I wear completely Covering up. Oh, yeah, you don't I do need to see yeah

Well, you don't you just won't see the future you'll be there Yeah, I got sunglasses. Make sure you got the UV protection. Yeah. Yeah, but what about through the top? They're like so many things in my hood dude. They're so into it. Yeah, but what about through the top? What about okay, so you could say get like a bit of cloth whatever to wrap around Yeah, just staple it to your foot. It doesn't matter. Yeah, what do I replace my eyes with UV? Vulcans and you can't see Smelling the future but then also and this is a bold claim claim. Smells like flying cars in here. Dude, and they're like, no. No. What if I replace my eyes?

I'd be like, dude. Dude. OK, tear out my eyes. Yeah, blind. Blind. Can still smell and taste the future that's coming, and feel, and hear. Then we reach a certain point.

OK, how are you covering the rest of your face? The gimp suit. So you're not smelling anything except leather. rest of your face? The gimp suit. So you're not smelling anything except leather? My nose is exposed, the holes are exposed. No? If the holes are exposed? The sun comes from the top down. If you look up, you're fucked.

Why do you look up? He's got no eyes! Oh yeah, that's true. That's so funny. I'm doing this to see a flying car. I feel one go over the top of me. No! Or you could like, you know, like if you're blind and you want to look up and oh no! Or you go up on an incline and you don't realize. Oh no! Well, I feel the incline and just have to tilt my head down.

Yeah, guess. And then I wait until science, I take this sort of cryogenic freezing approach. Wait until science is advanced enough that they could give me new eyes that would not are not biological. So when you make it an appointment usually with like places they tend to be open 9 to 5. Yeah. Well I guess you could do it like a teleconference. Yeah I say I'm a vampire I say over my time being alive. I've accumed fabulous wealth Also, I would say that being a vampire now if you get made a vampire now You're actually gonna have less money than a regular person Because the money you earn now is gonna be worth jack shit in 20. Yeah, that's true If you're a vampire in the Middle Ages or whatever you can accumulate jewels

Now it's like hey there's $20 from 2020 one yeah, that's worth $5 in 2040 yeah, it's all about compound interest. Yeah, like and hoping that the the whole world doesn't collapse Yeah, like and hoping that the the whole world doesn't collapse Yes, that would be where I'm like flying cars and I'm decapitated in the oil war Because you could take that I guess they give the Futurama approach where it's like you have a little tiny bit in it Compound interest. Yeah, it's compounds over many many thousands of years. I mean, yeah, yeah, it's pretty good

But they yeah, you see you might have some well Do you think the bank would pick up on the fact that I never died I think the bank well yeah also the banks famously fucking hate giving out money yeah which means that uh you've got you do the fry approach and then you go to the bank to withdraw the money and they say oh no we took that money and closed the bank yeah you die so we tried to pass it on to your next of kin or whatever and then you had mine. But we didn't try that hard. So we just closed it and kept the money. No, there's like many accounts out there owned currently by the deceased.

And like the closed things you would need to have proof of death, I eat death certificate, but you don't have one. Does that mean- Plus, have you stopped using your bank account? Like your bank account for so long? I don't need to. Well, so? Have you stopped using your bank account? Like your bank card for so long? I don't need to. What he's letting money on as well. Yeah exactly. Wait, taste, hang on a second, taste though. You said taste the future. Yeah you don't. Can you taste the future? Because food is disgusting, right? I can tell if blood tastes different. Yes. But no, because you

wouldn't have tasted blood. Why not? Sorry, I thought you meant from the moment you teared out your eyes, but you mean... No. You mean just going forward. I become a vampire. I eat some blood, keep going. Periodically I eat a guy or whatever and over time I get to see how blood, you know, how the taste changes. No, that... Okay, that's what you meant. Okay. Sorry, I'm catching up. Why did you make the difference between like, I'm catching up. Why, what did you think I meant?

I thought you meant the difference between like, you know, rat blood and human blood. I can find that out right now. Yeah. Because I'm like, well, yeah, because there's proof in a lot of the literature about vampires where people with their have-toons, like, I want to try and keep my humanity. Yeah. I've got to, rats, ah, it's disgusting. I'm concerned about my humanity.

So clearly there is a better way of, you know, there's clearly a hierarchy of pace when it comes to the environment. No, what I was thinking is like, what's the difference between a 21st century man and a 31st century man? You think you're living for that long without eyes as a vampire that's wandering around the streets during the day in a gimp suit. Yeah! You think you're gonna live a thousand years. I don't think anybody's gonna think I'm a vampire. I think you'll get arrested at some point. I guess about time in jail.

It's not a crime to wear a kimp suit in public. Depends on how he's acting. I'm wandering around like, where the hell am I? Well then you'll probably get picked up by someone who's worried about your health and so. That's nice of him. Yeah, but then they'll take off your hood. Yeah, but he's talking.

I'm like, oh no no, I just, I'm fine. Hey, don't worry about it, I can't see. So you need to move on, we've had some worry about it. I can't see I need to move on We've had some complaints about you. I'll get out of your hair You wanna come with me? Actually, could you leave me home? I live in this dark alleyway. Yeah, how are you attacking? Howie actually? That's a good question How are you feeding? Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah, yeah, you'll eat at night. Yeah, sweet how I'm breaking the people's houses. How you gonna see the fucking window?

This sense of touch You haven't been invited I Get a job as a pizza delivery now step one. Where's the pie go Domino's they say what? How? They're open at night and you don't have to wear the gimp suit but you have no eyes Yeah, do that how? Okay We put you outside the studio now

I will be a franchise over Domino's that you have come into my either you've asked me for a job Hi, I'm John Domino's I own this Domino's restaurant My name's Jackson Bailey, I'm looking to get a job I'm looking to apply for a job. Okay What are your skill sets?

I'm really fast I'm extremely tough, which is cool. I don't mean to be hit me with something sensitive throw a chair at me I'm I what throw a chair at me. I won't I won't No, I don't think our Legal let me I just have a quick question. I don't mean to be insensitive. Yes, but it seems to be seems to me You don't currently have a Very astute no I don't so when you say you're quick. I don't know I know I understand I mean it like you know we could maybe find some

fucking job for you Like, you know, we could maybe find some Fighting job for you. That requires Well, I was kind of hoping to be a pizza delivery guy. No, okay What did they say? Oh my god By one guy, sorry all the employees Guys got a gibs suit around his collar Yeah down here in the gibs suit

Skin tight leather Just put off Back off everyone leave leave Everyone No no no no no one's walking Here's my manager John manager Hi I'm John manager That Oh, hi. Pleasure to meet you. Yeah, that was my employee, John Dominoes.

You thought that he was named that because he was the franchise owner? I assumed. Why am I being demoted? I'm the franchise owner, John Dominoes. Now I'm getting like this kind of lip from my... I'm so sorry, sir, that you came in here. I might try a different Dominoes. As you can see, I need to talk to some of my employees.

You know what actually, how are you managing someone? I hear there's a position opening. I really get it. I, yeah, I just, unfortunately, it's a legal requirement to, you need a driver's license to be a delivery driver. You do need a driver's license to be a delivery driver. However, to be a manager, sure, I have an opening. John Manager, you're fired.

But managing doesn't really suit my needs. Because I need to be able to go into people's houses. Delivery drivers aren't welcome into people's houses either. But maybe I could take out quickly use your bathroom is what I was thinking. Sorry, what? I need to go into people's houses. What do you mean? I just need to do it. See, I don't seem like such a bad manager now doing I see a job where they let me do that

Can you think of a job that would let me do that? That's a good idea, okay, thank you so much and walk out the window. Walk into the deep fryer. The job is tough. This is an awesome Domino's. They deep fry the whole pizza. Okay, well they don't get a job selling knives door to door. You can't!

There is jobs for people who no longer have vision. But door to door salesmen and delivery drivers are not those. Guys not guys you're falling over a weird hurdle he doesn't need the job no I know he doesn't need the job he just needs to lie I'd be like hello I'm a door-to-door salesman they're like what are you selling I'm like ah shirt

what insurance how are you this bad at being a vampire? Also, you took off your shirt in the day. AHHHH! Let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in! I imagined you were doing it in the evening. Well, of course you wouldn't be.

It's not until salesman. The job's not at night time. He doesn't have the job! He can lie. No one wants to be bothered during dinner time He's not gonna get invited in there. I gotta go during the day Turn up in my suit I go like this on the flywire door. Let me in You want some knives I I'm a salesman! I'm a salesman, I got knives in the car! And they say oh, I would like a knife. Please come in. Then I eat them. Okay, could you instead?

Yeah, for example in the evening time you go somewhere. You walk up to someone's house. It's evening time. You're not in a gibs suit. I really want to stress that. I don't to stress that. I don't have to be. No. Maybe you could, because you are blind, you could have a cane. Clearly you have no eyes. Yes. You ring the doorbell.

You have sunglasses in your face instead? Or you could have them. I'm waiting for the science to catch up with the theory. If you ring, don't tell them this. If you want, you could have the sunglasses. Maybe you make them a little bit dis shell maybe broken or whatever and you then knock on the door and you say hello Hi, I've been mugged I'm lost. I don't know where my dog is. It might have run into your house Can I come in and look for it? I'm lost I need some help. I've lost my dog. It's in your house. Let me in

No, I lost I need some help. Hey, could I come in and hey, can I use your phone? Can I use your phone to call my friend Steve? Well, you can clearly see he's you know, he's you know got some hello sir, what's up? Hey, can I say to bother you in such a late hour? Could I use your phone to call my friend Steve? Um That's that's what you're leading me. No, I've been robbed. No, I need help. He met this- How are you so bad at this? He met this girl. What do you mean? He met this girl? He just took her back!

That's what Steve did. And he just doesn't know what to do, so I just need to call him. What? What the fuck? How are you this bad? I just need to call him and talk him through it, he's like not very good with I've shot the ball I know the next one able No one is letting you in to call your friends Steve I care about this man. That's what's up with my door I'll go to a pay phone

Okay, yeah go to a payphone You go to a payphone You're in a payphone I call Steve It's my friend at Boca Raton He met this girl He doesn't know what to do Alright so you call Steve

Hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me, Steve Man, how, like How you doing man? Yeah, pretty good Have I met a girl if I lost a girl what I was what's my go a book or a turn? You just like don't know what to do a poker tournament. No a poker return is a place in a miracle. I Thought you was this is an expensive call Your speech Steve hurry up This is an international call. Yeah, what's up man? I just heard you met this girl

I just wanted to chat just like I thought I'd I'd just be like a shoulder you could lean on. Oh yeah, no, yeah, she's doing really good. OK, everything's worked out. Yeah, we're having like, you know, we're really glad to hear that. This Friday we're going out for our fourth day. Oh my god, fourth day? Yeah, dude, it's been year. I had old information, I guess, Steve.

I'm so sorry to bother you. Where did you get your information from? What information did you have? Facebook. Sorry. Oh, that I just met. Oh, what was it? You said it's complicated.

It's complicated? I mean- oh! Is that an old status update? I don't really know what I'm- like I'm trying to deactivate my Facebook account. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. I've been telling people that you're having all kinds of relationship problems. Oh, no no no! I only met her recently. I just- I don't know, I'm sick of social media so I have to try and deactivate it. But thank you for letting me know because again, I'm all- Yeah, it, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That's cool, dude Oh, well congratulations new job or like inheritance or something. No, I get bit by a vampire Really changed my life, but I'm really struggling to find people to wait so

I kept on asking people to use the phone to call you but then I realized I could just call you on a payphone You remember that Drake song? Used to call me on a payphone Cell phone? Who's is it someone else here? Hello? I got to hang up from you sorry I think somebody's on the line Hello? Oh it's just one of those

weird mixed calls, hello? And what are you doing? Let's follow the reveal I was on the phone trying to call my friend Greg Who lives in Arkansas? Okay, and the lines got mixed up right was that you? Hmm, I'll try again later Beautiful Yeah outside

You've spoken to your friend Steve. Okay, I've sorted that out. Yeah, what am I gonna do? You need to eat still? It's nighttime. You've got no eyes, okay? Like the best You have in your inventory no eyes your inventory no eyes. Oh I got, okay to link this all back, you call a number like maybe for a journalist and you say hello I'm a vampire would you like to interview me? I'm a vampire with no eyes. Can you interview me on your show?

I guess they say no. Ah. Cause they, shoot like if I get a call. Yeah. Okay we get an email. Yeah, okay. We get an email Yeah, the email says dear plumbing the death star. Hi, my name is Dracula yeah Vampire I'd love to come on the show and talk about being a vampire. Yeah, that's true. We see that and we say Well, first of we very rarely do

Well, first off we very rarely do interviews. I don't think you've listened. We look at the email and we go, huh? We hit spam and then we ignore it. Yeah, that's true. What do you think a journalist is going to do when you just hit them up being like, hello, I'm a vampire with no eyes? Well, just go to the news. But you need to be invited in. Well, not, I just go to wherever the building is, I just wait out the front. In your GIMP suit?

Yeah. You tell me they're not going to want to interview me eventually? No! Yes, I'm telling you that they absolutely will not want to interview you. You're gonna- Dude, oh- This- all of these things, the fact you just keep loitering in places in a GIMP suit means that the police are gonna get called, they're gonna take your mask off, you're gonna die. Okay.

You could, for example, because a lot of these have a lobby which is accessible via the public even though it is, you know, you could just go there and Ask the front desk. Yeah, or how you could be like hopefully not in your gimp suit But hey, hi, sorry. I guess I'll come in the evening. And you again you lean into the fact that you know You can't see you have no eyes. Maybe you just need to call your friend Steve We sorted that out. I need to use the bathroom and then you could wait in there for some victims. I don't know.

Eat people at the journalism factory. Yes, the journalism factory. Just do it. I don't know, how starving are you? How many guys do I need to eat? I don't know. Is it like one a day, one a week? Am I like a snake or I can eat one of you get from one I don't know Generally with vampire you never it's never really said like how often they need yeah Yeah, yeah, what's a week maybe a fortnight? Maybe like a snake? Yeah, just wait in the public toilet

Yeah, I need a guy in a public toilet. That's fine. That's fine. That's good. Yeah, just getting all these pissing Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be hard once you pluck out your eyes one Okay, so where you live currently yeah, you pluck out your eyes, okay Do you reckon you could walk to a public toilet from there? Without without seeing I think it would be hard and I might get hit by a car But you reckon you could do it. I think it would be hard and I might get hit by a car. But you reckon you could do it? I think I could generally figure out where I was.

You know vaguely. In the area where I live, yes, because I'm very familiar with it. Yeah, that's what I mean. If I'm anywhere else, you put me in a foreign city and you say find a public toilet. I'm hit by a car like that. Sometimes it's hard to find a foreign toilet. Sometimes it's hard to find a foreign toilet. A foreign toilet. Sometimes it's hard to find a public toilet in a foreign place regardless. Yeah.

I know where there is a public toilet from, like, you know, from the studio. I don't think I could walk there without being able to see. Okay. Because I'm so familiar with sight. I reckon I could maybe get in the wrong direction, but it's gonna take me a long time and I probably will get hit by many Yeah, okay. I could do one from my house When the pavement ends and then like yeah, yeah road begins in the next oh, yeah I know there's that like I know there is definitely in between sure, but I don't know how many it is

Yeah, I think I could I reckon I could do it from because to get from my house to the public toilet yeah and I'm not the one who's claimed I'm tearing up my eyes I reckon I could do it because I think that there's like very distinct sound I'm kind of thinking the same thing I know where the major roads are I know what the is around I know where one of winter turn I would love to get both of you blindfolded. Oh, me too. And I want to test this.

Yeah. Because I reckon no. Do you reckon you could? What are we? Without getting hit by a car? That's getting hit by a car is a tricky one. Again, for safety reasons, I guess a few of us will be there. And we'll be like, when would you like to cross the stream? Look out, look out!

When a car's coming. Or just, you know, be next to you and if you're like, I'm gonna walk now, we'll be like, no you're not. That's one death. Oh yeah, cause you can't... sound won't really help you because cars... On major roads are doing like 60 or 70 kilometers an hour. So you're just hearing your car is not enough. Well cause you probably won't hear it from... like as in you won't get an indication of... Do you reckon... okay, what if we reduce it? Obviously we're talking a big game

Do you think you could get from the front of the studio? Yeah, to the from the front door to the back door with your eyes closed. Yeah easy. It's pretty much a straight line It is a straight shot. Yeah, but there is bit of curves I think it'd be interesting to try You gotta say without what? Like without hitting like without bumping into a wall without hitting, like without bumping into a wall? Yeah, or without bumping into a wall. Or without tripping? Cause you gotta get some caveats here.

Cause as JD said, it is pretty much a straight shot. Yeah. What about if you had to, from the front of the studio, and you have to hit every room on the way down? Do you reckon you could do that? Well yeah, but it depends on if you, like, can we just touch the wall? I suppose, yeah, I suppose if it's gonna be a... Your silly little game doesn't make sense. I'm just trying to think of a microcosm that's where less likely to get hit by a car. I'm just trying to think of if it's gonna be a- Your silly little game doesn't make sense.

I'm just trying to think of a microcosm that's- we're less likely to get hit by cars. Okay, what if you went from a studio to the nearest shop? I think I could do that. Without opening anyone else's doors or anything else on the way to that shop. And you have to be like, this is the shop that I want to go in and- I reckon. I reckon I can figure it out from the various rises and and and the walls around okay all right okay okay maybe how you know from from from the studio yeah to say upstairs and I want you to take a drink from the

upstairs bathroom tap the furthest from the door okay I can do it I think I've got that in me I think that's easy yeah I think I can do it with my eyes closed. Which I think small microcosm and then you expand that out. So you just practice? Yeah. And I'll just hide in public toilets and I'll just eat guys until the future comes and then the scientists will give me new eyes. Why don't you just keep your eyes? Cause the whole thing at the beginning. I'll get sun in them Give them one. I'll just go out at night. Oh, you're sacrificing your eyes For that's how we got here right you're sacrificing your eyes solely so that you can go out During the day cool stuff happens during the day not much is on at night. What is the best time? No, I'm not allowed to wear sunglasses, you could wear a hat and sunglasses.

Well, I'll do that then. So there's nothing from a vampire you would wanna wear. All right, so yes, right, okay. Oh wait, you gotta be careful with the hat though because there's those little holes in the top. Gotta make sure that there's no... Like drills into my brain. All right, all right, well you gotta wear a hard hat

or something. Yeah, yeah. Hard hat and sunglasses, yeah. Good luck. So now, all right. Well, you've got to wear a hard hat or something. Yeah, yeah. A hard hat and sunglasses, yeah. All right, all right. Good luck. So now, all right. Why would we interview a vampire? Yeah.

Well, I mean, in the past, vampires historically did actually exist. Yeah. And you're interviewing a vampire around the time that Dracula and stuff is coming out. That's probably interesting because we have less, easily accessible access to knowledge. So you'd be like, hey brother, you've lived for 400 years or whatever. Tell me about them past.

Well, to be honest, you could kind of get anyone from like, you know, 100 years ago, 20 years ago. It's like, at any point in time, like sure we can say right now, like I don't know what it was like in the blue, but you know, it's all subjective. Well, that time like sure we can say right now like I am real was like in the blue Mmm, but you know it's all subjective. Well. That's kind of a problem though, isn't it? But interviewing one person will result in that too. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Because it's kind of a weird issue where like say somebody's lived through the black plague to go and you're like what was it like?

And they're like I spent most of the time indoors Okay, like oh, yeah, it was nighttime for me the whole time. Yeah Yeah, you're like actually you're getting one person's perspective of a historical event. It has some value, but you don't get an overview of everything that happened. Well, it depends how old. Like right now, say somebody in the distant future,

we're vampires, somebody asks you about a historical event you lived through. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Are you gonna provide them with what you would consider. A satisfying answer. Yes, I say, yeah, we are vampires. It is it is the year let's 300 yeah, yeah, and then we can kind of be like, okay cool And they want to ask that say COVID yeah, I'm gonna what was that experience like and we're like well it sucked mostly

I was indoors a lot. Yeah, I was a podcaster so I was lucky I could keep doing my job over Zoom. Yeah, yeah. A lot of people were mad because they couldn't do much. But yeah, I don't know. Yeah, we kind of knew that. Even like September 11, I'm like, yeah, it interrupted a TV show that I would usually watch before school. I was like six. It was a little bit of a night for me. So that was a watch it live, which was like six. Yeah, it was a little night for me and yeah like uh, so that was a watch it live

which was kind of like what? Fuck. But once again, I was quite young. Yeah, and even stuff where they're like tell us about the Gulf War. No. Some secrets I'll take to my grave. Yeah. Secrets. Let me show you this photo of Saddam Hussein's hole though. You kept that? Yeah. All these years. Dude, his hole though. You kept that? Dude his hole rocks. It is a good hole. He's got one of the best It's good to just like build a hole to hide it and then put a fan in it But where you get but it's also like if you're gonna hide in a hole you want it to be

If you go into the efforts to put an exhaust fan in your hole, yeah, you could probably build something but I guess Yeah, it's just a standard hole yeah Saddam Hussein from the army. Yeah To quickly answer a message that I checked out yeah talking about holes what we're talking about Sad're talking about Saddam Hussein's hole. Either the hole he hid in? Yeah, not his asshole. I know, I know, I had to think about Saddam Hussein's hole and now I'm there, what about it? We were just laughing about how he made a shitty hole but then there was a fan in it. Yeah. But then we were saying, but actually maybe that makes sense because you want to stay cool in the hole.

Of course you do. Yeah, so. And then I was like, but yeah. How do you explain that to a journalist? No, but I was also saying like, if you've got enough time to put a fan in the hole yeah why not make something better than a hole but then I was like but then the army were looking for him and then I went the army was it the army that were looking for him? Someone was trying to find that guy. And they got him. Yeah Was it the army? Who else would it be? Or was it their guys? I don't think so. Did Iraq turn on Saddam? Imagine I'm interviewing you in the year. Am I thinking of Gaddafi? He got fucked up by his own guys. I think this interview is over.

Yeah. So yeah, if you're the journalist, so what of note? They made Gaddafi fuck his own ass. That's crazy. That is crazy. A terrible man. So, yeah. That is crazy Terrible man, so yeah, huh um Yeah, why have we have a house like yeah? What is our legacy not much? Oh, yeah, nothing, but I guess then if you're not gonna ask a vampire about that you're just like hey What's it like I would give a shit about a vampire's legacy cuz yeah chances are eyes men our own

The regular human being yeah, they get turned into a vampire, what's their legacy? Jack shit. Well, because again, you're thinking about interviews. Generally, why do people, who has something to say or why they've been interviewed? Mostly it's because they have something to say about a particular thing.

I was turned into a vampire. I guess that's what you do too. That's pretty interesting. And as opposed to about certain things. You're not going to interview, say, one of us clearly about anything that's happened you do too. That's pretty interesting. And as opposed to like, you know, about certain things. I'm not gonna interview say one of us clearly about anything that's happened in history. But as if like my lived in experience is that I was turned into a vampire.

I guess you'd be like- That might be interesting. That might be interesting. So it's like, okay. But then it's like, yeah, someone's like, hey, I'm a vampire. And I lived through, you say, I lived through the turn of the century.

I'm, you know, I was around then. So from the year 1900, right I'm I you know the night. Yeah, I was around then so from year 1900 right so you I am that person you want to interview me Okay, and then what are you asking cuz you're like, okay cool. Well president Truman cool I'm a lot of no, I never met them My time because that's things you probably want a bit more information about yeah, so like okay, so you were a vampire So you've lived this many years. What did you do during those 100 years? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stayed inside.

Well, for the first, say, 20 years, I was in my coffin, during March. I was in this kind of like, torpor, which is kind of like sleep at night. Okay. And then I got up, and there was some like, you know, some fighting, which made things easy for me to eat some lads. Which fighting? So you ate corpses in a war? Yeah! Yeah, yeah. And there was some like you know some fighting which made things easy for me to eat some lads. Which fighting? So you ate corpses in a war? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's interesting. I want to know about that. I don't know what war it was. I just know that it was corpses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't ask anymore? No, I was hungry. I guess you were in the coffin and then you came out. Did you read the news?

No. Can you read? No, once again. I was pretty poor when I was 10. Okay. Illiter read the news? No. No. No. Once again I was pretty poor. Okay. Illiterate. Never learned how to read. I had hundreds of years. No one had teach me. No. Yeah fair enough. Night school didn't happen. Yeah. Can you teach yourself to read? Well the readings. Can you teach yourself anything? Readings are weird one where we don't have a bit of our brain dedicated to it so so it's not natural to read. It's not instinctual, right?

It's not innate, but everybody can be taught to read. And once you start reading, bits of your brain starts to go blah blah blah blah blah. So it's not there already, but it is also innate to being a human being. So that's a very weird thing. You can't read? You can't teach yourself to read? No. You can't read? I can't teach yourself to read? No. You can't read? I can't read Oh, yeah, cuz like I guess I'm like looking at a thing and I'm like

There's symbols mate, there's still symbols. Yeah, but like what does that mean? Yeah Yeah, but how do you go? Right now could you without any prompting try and figure out Say Mandarin. Yeah, yeah No! Same concept my my dude. You see it, there are symbols. You can be like, oh yeah! I mean, yeah, unless those symbols,

unless you see the Mandarin for apple in front of an apple, you're just not getting there. But you could teach yourself to read by accessing modern, you know. Potentially, how well, you mean, sure, but like, say you get a kid's book yeah and you see the word Apple there's a picture of an Apple yeah and then it's like cool I know that that symbol means Apple yeah but if I'm just reading it I'm how how do you pronounce it?

You don't know how to pronounce it. I guess if you had heard the word Apple yeah then you can figure it out. Obviously if you've come from a place when you don't know the word for anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you're like a caveman and that's awesome. More like a- How do you teach a baby to read? You go, hey, yo, motherfucker. Yeah.

This is an apple. Well, this is- And this way. Ah, puh, puh, le, eh. Apple, le, eh. Yeah, that's right. Motherfucker. Good baby. Eh, ah, puh, puh, puh, le, eh. Yeah.

Ah, no, no, no. Ah, no, no, no. Well, there are certain things when it comes to babies. Well, there are certain things when it comes to babies, it's like, oh, well, they're like sponges, right? They are absorbing so much of it. I just like just generally passing on what everyone is talking about. And also, again, it's like if there is books around, I didn't like picture book, those kind of stuff. Yeah, sure. That's how they got to learn as well. Yeah. And but a lot of it is through you know osmosis and and of course you being like this is the alphabet Yeah, yeah With like you know even this like the mouth there are certain sounds that are like it's harder to do later It's like oh when you get to the age of like three or four

It's like oh, that's when you can say these particular like yeah particular like shit. Yeah, fuck, cunt, shit, pussy, shaft. You're allowed to say balls as a kid. But there is some stuff like very simple like sign language, like those key signs kind of stuff that you can kind of teach babies or young children before they can actually start talking. And so it's a bad association. That's really fascinating. Yeah, yeah, for sure yeah, yeah, yeah for sure Okay like that Paul Jennings book yeah, you can teach him backward. Oh, that's good What is Apple me Okay, see hey here's a question Apple but that letter a that's actually Z. What? Okay, I'm a- So they can still read, but they just think the letters' names are wrong, I guess?

Yeah, I was about to say, how do you teach someone wrong? Knowing what you know now, how do you teach someone wrong? I guess you just have to say, this is the wrong thing. Like, as in, like, A is not A, that's B. So A is not A, not B? What do you mean? No no no no no so the so this symbol I mean makes the uh sound. Okay. Apple. Yeah okay. Okay so then I would say so apple I would write as B A no B PP yeah B PP. Buple. No for me it's apple. But that's pronounced apple. Yeah of course. B-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P- They get talking. Yeah, okay. You keep passing for the Apple. Yeah, no worries. Yeah, exactly. It's only gonna become an issue when they're in pra-apple and I'm wearing their teachers like And what is this ah mean? And they're like buh and they're like that's wrong. Well, no, then what is this buh sound? You like that? Ah, like no

And then your kid comes over and is like dad what the fuck? And I'm like your teacher is owned by Big Book Big education coming for them. I'm homeschooling you from now on big book you know uh C O O big book big book okay right you move all the other things one letter a coin real confusing but then I stop off the D because I got sick of it. Tontes are arrested for the strangest kind of child abuse the courts have ever seen. He just made the kid look like an idiot. Yeah, but it was awesome. It was worth it.

Do it again. You're gonna lock me up for life or I'm gonna teach another kid wrong. Okay, I guess... Sure. Well, I guess sure well I guess Yeah, well let's Give you life be like if you ever let me out Don't believe the criminal has that much

I mean if you have moided somebody yeah, and then they're like you know You know say you you know Like I definitely have no remorse. Your lawyer is there being like, yeah Yeah, yeah, you go. Hey, man. Shut up. Hey brother You're fired actually lawyer. I got this Can a person who has representation fire them firing them is clearly gross is clearly gross incompetence. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I don't know, can you do it?

Oh, actually, no. Maybe the judge does stand in and they'll be like. You'll be like, dude, you're real bad at this. Because I think if you fire the, if you were to try and fire your representation when you're clearly unhinged. Yeah. Yeah. I think the judge would then immediately be like,

this is a mistrial because it's not a fair trial. Yeah, we're not. But also. Yeah. are trials fair? No! Because it's lawyer v lawyer. And like one lawyer, it's not actually whether or not someone did something or not, it's whether or not the lawyer is able to convince some guys. It's a drama class. Well yeah, that's if it's in front of a jury. Most often it's not.

It's to a judge. Then I gotta impress a judge. Yeah, right. Would you trust me in a jury? Like if you're on trial and you see me. So I'm a lawyer, and you can be like... You're a lawyer representing Joel Dusha for grossing confidence in raising a child. And then you see the jury and I'm there.

Because we can get like, you know... You can veto people. There's two nos. Okay, cool. Yeah, and then see that you're a bunch of that because we can get like you know you can do those people yeah And you have a dough you know okay cool all right looking at you now. Hey man I remember the podcast we three did that immediately means you're a no because you know that to know the case Yeah, that's all the people involved you also are allowed to talk you just walk in a straight line to the yeah You're allowed to talk say like you know a certain like you know you are some sort of Line to the yeah, you're allowed to talk say like you know a certain like you know you ask them certain questions That's what I thought you were gonna ask. No no no so like you're allowed to talk in a certain accent Hello! Hello! You're number three!

Hello! It's me! Mrs. Dabfire! Yes sir. I represent you, my court client, Jurg Meshir! Wait, Mrs. Duffie is my lawyer? Yes! Oh no! He's just trying to get close to his kids. Yeah, come on man! The kids that I'm raising, bro?

You're doing a bad... and I used to be their father. Which means that Mrs. Duffie... I need to fire my lawyer. Mrs. Duffie is going to try and get me put in prison. Oh, 100%! She wants her kids back. I do want my kids back. Mrs. Duffie is gonna try and get me put in prison B is a C is B So You're making me Mrs. Catfire! No good. So in this scenario, let's go back to Kurt. In this scenario, you two were married and had kids together. Then you got a divorce where Inducia got the kid. No, I was thinking what had happened was...

I was there, but maybe not. I was wrong. I thought I, as the juror, this is where I thought the riff was going. I thought I, as the juror, was going to give you the riff was going. I thought I as the juror was going to give you my Mrs. Doubtfire accent as a way to stay on, as part of the jury. But then my section of the riff we ignored and Zammet became Mrs. Doubtfire.

Yeah. Now what did you think was going on? Here's what I thought happened. In my head, Z it's and his in this riff Mystery wife yeah, I had children okay, and then got divorced and then I was raising the kids wrong and then Zama Got the kids well yeah Okay, I'm the Pierce Brosnan, okay

And then you were coming back in as Mrs. What happened to our wives? She's just over-rattled. She's in the court sort of crowd. Why was she so complacent with you raising our kids? I did it in secret. What did you think was happening? Yeah, I thought we had raised children, me and JD and that we had had you know got a divorce and

Inducian got custody and I found out that uh yeah And then you decided to represent me as Mrs. Crowdfire? And for some reason, the best way Yeah, well I'm Doubtfire but because you raised our kids wrong They think I'm Mrs. Crowdfire It's spelled Mrs. Crowdfire No it's spelled Mrs. E But it's pronounced Mrs. Crowdfire

No it's pronounced Mrs. Dou out fire but it's pronounced Mrs. Crouch fire. No, it's pronounced Mrs. E out fire. Yeah, but no you stopped it B. No, I stopped it E. No, I stopped it D. D and E are both still E when the kid rides it down. So D and E are both E? Yeah. Sarah Manning shouldn't have the kid. I do love the version of Mrs. Down fire where Robert Williams not like, I'm Mrs Doubtfire, I'm also the lawyer. That's great.

But yeah, I'm pretty sure what happens in court is both sides get the list of jurors and like the basic information. Yes, yeah, yeah, they do and then they can ask them questions. Not their names, but like... You can basically be like, what do you think about X? What do you think about Y that's gonna be relevant to your... You can kind of look at through like you know might look through Right now all my information is now coming from I guess the devil's advocate Okay Well they talk about no you don't want that guy on the jury because of his that he's wearing shoes or whatever it is

Yeah, like those particular shoes are like No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Is there a particular kind of shoe which means that they're more educated in this kind of thing? And so that's where they go through it all. Well, one of my friends that is a lawyer was telling me that like things like If you like people do things like if anyone works in healthcare and there's a drink driving case Oh, yeah Immediately they'll get rid of that person because they'll be like they've seen the they know what can Yeah, they've seen what happens with drink driving so they will not be lenient. They will not be nice. Anyone that's like a teacher or anything like that, you don't want them involved with anything.

Like anyone that works with kids, you don't want anything to do with children's faces. Jackson Bailey, he's a podcaster. And what's this guy? Oh, no, actually... And it's a man who is grossly incompetent to his child. Which is basically podcasting, I think this man needs to go, but I want him to stay. You want him to stay, but then it's like podcasting. Are you putting podcaster in brackets comedy?

Or are you putting just podcaster on your jury selection platform? If you had to fill in a form for jury I guess I would just say podcast. I would depend if there was like a drop down menu. Which occasionally there is. I would say media.'s like a drop-down menu which occasionally there is Media is probably what I pick or entertainer maybe Because it makes me feel less like an iPad a zoo

Yeah, I'll let whoever sees it be the job Guys should go you reckon maybe a presenter. Yeah, you think maybe I am a clown Yeah, yeah me too I probably put entertainer or media down there and then obviously my name and birthdate and all of that Yeah, what else do they ask? This is a job in your name or. God I want to go on jury duty. Me too, I think it would be fun. Everyone I know that's been summoned for it isn't excited. Yeah. Get me in there. But I know that I have a memorable face so I hope it's not a bad case because they will come for me. Yeah. I got selected but because I had,

yeah, my partner, they broke her knee at the time. I run a business. I Sucked I you know was kind of caring for her. Yeah, so I'm like well like I'm the one running this thing Yeah, yeah decline that's a sad man. They offer me jury duty. I say hey boys I'm not recording for however long this takes. Yeah, I'm off to court Do you reckon do you think this is something I think I think about what a jury do duty? I'd make a really good friend like the jurors like I get on really well with him like a lot of lunch with him yeah in recess and we just go get a sandwich don't get a sandwich together and like find out about their lives and just become like really good pals I think I would try and get a juror addicted to

smoking I'd also take up smoking like. This is a really stressful case. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's really funny Is that your first cigarette Since I was 14, I think I didn't like the whoever they picked to be like jury later Yeah, I would try and you said yeah, or at least have a coup this guy's an idiot I think that a point I try and make clicks. Yeah Make it a really toxic environment I have a clue. This guy's an idiot. I think that appoints- I try and make clicks. Yeah. How? Make it a really toxic environment. Well, how does it work?

Once again, I'm not all like everything I'm getting is from like television and- Yeah, based on TV shows, you sit and watch the trial. And then they're obviously during the breaks you, and if sometimes you stay in, like you would go into the city, you would go see you're really close to the courthouse.

And so you're in isolation I think as well depends on like how high profile yes Because if it is very high profile like you might have access to say internet. Oh my god imagine that Someone's to Jerry Judy in there like brother you're in a hotel and give me your phone. I'm like goodbye I'm not allowed to watch TV. Yeah, they also, you might even have restricted access to TV. Yeah, media blackout.

Yeah, absolutely, very possibly. I believe you have to pick, say, who's going to be the person when the judge is like, oh, what did the jury find? And they can stand up and you can be like, well, we're still, you know, we don't know yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause the jury have to.

The jury, what if you find it and it's me and I say grilty Fuck I know again This is a big case you're on television you said grilty This child has been thrown out for a mistrial cuz grilty is not guilty or not guilty The judge be like okay, and the jury finds them Grilty. Oh I got you saying it, your honor, I'm sorry. The mistrial.

The mistrial started good. This is going to be a long six months, Bob. We gotta relocate. Arrest that Grilty man. Oh. Wait, is it me or my guy? Yes, it's you. You're arrested for Temporary yeah, so I guess you were an entertainer or media. I'd look at this and be like, oh well if

You'd be maybe like not. Oh, I'm gonna make sure that I don't put media. I just realized everybody say media I'm not gonna select it for shit. Absolutely one time. We almost got like selected like that. We were living we were like Oh the the nilson ratings Whatever they were to send us a box and I was so excited How fun of like say, you know, whatever 20 million people that one house represents. Yeah ratings are stupid Oh, yeah, but then I was like, yeah sign me up and they were like cool. What's your job? My podcast? Yeah Like let me have it I I had talked to my boss and I knew from that moment we were never gonna get a little box and we didn't.

Well, it would have been funny because what you would have been watching was- Not the TV. Jackson and Adam play PlayStation 4 at four in the morning. Yeah, perfect time. Good times. You were getting good ratings on that. 20 million people were watching.

20 million people were loving YouTube player appears. Right, so going back to a vampire. Why would you ever interview a vampire? The only thing you're interviewing with them, unless they were like a very well known person, for example, if it was like a- George Washington. George Washington came back from the dead

and was like, not only am I a vampire, but I am also George Washington. Former president, well, that van is full on just driving on the footpath. Sorry, I got distracted. They love to drive well here. What's going on? Maybe building is a little, oh, okay.

There's a couple of vans out the front of the studio. There's two vans, one's on the footpath or sidewalk. Are we about to get ram-raded? Maybe. Are we about to get the electricity turned off? Hmm. No. If this episode just stops, that's why. That's crazy that we uploaded it in that scenario.

Yeah, so unless that's like the vampire is someone of note, like a politician, the only way you'd be like right away. There's a man coming to the door now. We'll figure it out. Or they just bypass the door. You're going to have a select kind of view of what we're seeing. Yeah, that's true. Hey man, not for you right now. Yeah, that's true. Hey man, not for you right now.

Yeah, that's fair. Focus on here with your boys. Be present. Be present in the moment, vampires. You've put me in front of an open window. Yeah. And vampires. This hasn't been a problem before.

Yeah, that's true. You've just been able to see outside from the whole time we've been in the studio. Well, nothing good's been happening out there, And now there's a van and a man. Exactly. Are you telling me you're not distracted by a van? I'm not! I lost interest! No!

I lost interest too until a man almost came to the front door and then I was like... That's the most exciting thing that could happen. You're right. I mean, look. A man comes to the door and... Across the road, sometimes there is a cat that jumps on the roof. I lovingly name that cat roof puss Yeah, I was to see roof puss. Yes, I would be distracted. I'm currently looking for a man

I'm not there all the time. Yeah, it's Adam. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean if it was Adam, I know what's going on Yeah, the fact that a van are radically pulled up outside the studio and then a man got out I was like what's going on the answer turns out was nothing nothing is going on he didn't come to the door a man of a company we get deliveries all the time clearly it says say an electrical bed right now it could be like oh hey there's a power line there maybe all like oh I don't know we get work done, they got the wrong address Anyway, I guess that's not exciting. Also, I don't live here. So it doesn't really make a difference It doesn't affect you It could have been like, oh, yeah, no, there's like, I don't know, there's something going on

Where there's like a big spark every time we turn the stick on it's just like boom And I remember you forgot to tell you but no not for us. I saw that the man had rad ball and got distracted The man had red ball and got distracted. He went to the shops. He went to the shops. And I would like to say I didn't even see the man. So I was back in. The man got red ball and I was like What the hell? That's crazy.

And now the man's leaving. So yeah he just went to the shop. I can't imagine it going. Because I don't know if we can take much more excitement, dude. How is it that I am the one with an ADHD diagnosis? Well you're the only one who's medicated. Yeah, I know. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, the rest of the man is gone. Okay, we need a big bowl of just medication and skittles outside.

Guys, you're either gonna get some Ritalin or you're gonna get a skittle. To win, win. Either way, close your eyes, lucky there. To win, win either way. Um, cool. So vampire. Interviewing a vampire, why would it be good? Only the reason of why you would ever interview a vampire in my opinion would be like, yes, if they were, someone of note now, they were like a businessman,

a politician, someone who's- A man with a van that's bought a 12 pack of Red Bull. Yeah. I don't think you'd buy 12 pack of Red Bull. He's not even there and he's still distracted. If you're that man with that van who bought a four pack of Red Bull, the Jackson Citizen 12 pack, let us know in the comments.

Was it good? Where were you off to? And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. The only interesting thing about a vampire is that they're a vampire. That's the only reason you should interview them. Honestly, I thought you were going to say, oh, you had a van?

I'm like, oh, here we go. Vampire. Who gives a shit? Like, it's just like, if you care what I did today, then why do you care what a vampire did today? I mean, I might care. I know you. Yeah. Yeah, but you know me. The listeners. People know you. It's parasocial. You don't actually know me. Just kidding. If I'm your good friend and

I need money, sign up to St. Smith Flaws. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're your good friends. We're your good friends! And we can do some walking around, Marty! We're such good friends! Sign up to the Bad Braids Boys! If we're good friends, you help out good friends! It's like buying us a coffee every month!

It's 2pm now! I can drink! And no one will question! No one will bat an eye! Thank you, listeners! Goodbye! Oh, I'm sorry my pockets are empty I want to go buy a full pack of Red Bull with that man, but it's too poor Hello zam it here one of the Jolls from middling to OK podcast, Plumbing the Death Star, not a Star Wars podcast. While my two ever-vessing co-hosts gallivant around the UK, I'm back

here in Melbourne, preparing for the arrival of our firstborn. But I'm not here to tell you about that. I'm here to tell you about a wonderful podcast festival that is happening in October. The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival. That's right. We're a part of it. On the 4th of October at 8.30pm at Stupid Old Studios, I'll be joined by my very jet-lag co-host for our last live Plumbing the Death Star show for a bit. Maybe.

It's hard to say. What with the upcoming birth of our... Anyway, you can grab tickets at cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com and there you can check out all the assortment of delectable comedy podcasts on offer. That's cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com, a festival of funny podcasts going for 12 days across two continents here in Australia.

That's October the 4th to the 6th, and across that big pond over in the UK. That's the 12th to the 20th. It's all your favourite funny podcasts all in one place. Plus, we'll also be there. Crazy. So once again, that's cheerfuleatful.podlifeevents.com. I love you.