Plumbing the Death Star - Would You Be a Better Wilson Than Wilson in Castaway?

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

Wilson, the famous volley ball, barely does anything in that movie wherein he plays famous volley ball and life coach to Mr Tom Castaways. In fact he even abandons Mr Castaways and the penultimate scene in the movie! Some might say he was thrown overboard and it was a tragic end for Wilson, but you’d be wrong. So we figured we’d have a crack at being a famous volley ball and life coach. We can provide great companionship, we’re yappy and LOVE to run our mouths plus we’d gossip about all the other inanimate objects we’ve grown attached to like rope, rock and crab. So close your eyes, take your hands off the wheel and set controls to manual as it’s time for everyone’s favourite show: Pilot Distraction Hour!Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys+ on our website or Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And we're happy to report that after 500 episodes, we've still got plenty of good questions in the bank. Like, would you be a better Wilson than Wilson in Castaway?

Wilson, obviously, famously, a ball. A volleyball with a bloody handprint on it. And a face. And a face. And I gotta be honest with you guys, Wilson doesn't do much. He abandons Tom Hanks. No, he doesn't do much. He abandons Tom Hanks. He's a sucker. No, he doesn't abandon him.

He abandons him. He falls off the boat. He falls off. He's like, if you are on a cruise ship. Yeah. And you fall overboard. Falling overboard is considered abandonment by me, yes. After a couple of juices.

Yeah. And you fall. You're saying that's abandonment? You're abandoning the team. I was drunk. How long if I fell off a cruise ship we were on before you reported it, do you reckon? I honestly went into my brain there because I had a memory of you falling out of a boat. And then I was like, oh, wait, no, it's just the easiest thing to imagine in the world.

It really is. It's just the easiest thing to imagine in the world. It really is. Like, imagine being on a ferry in, like, Sydney or Brisbane or somewhere in the UK. Jackson falls off and we're like, oh, no. Yeah. And then you see you don't see anything and then I bomb off. Falling off a vehicle is easy to picture.

Falling off a bike. Oh, yeah. Like, in a convertible for some reason. Like, somehow the laws of physics have applied weirdly to me, and I'm sucked out. Like the giraffe in the Hangover 3 opening. That's right. That's a reference for everyone.

The giraffe gets its head cut off by a bridge. Falling out of a train. Can you picture that? Well, what with the train? Can you picture me stepping from the train onto the platform, but slipping and falling into the... No, I see. I imagine you going and, like, you're missing your step

and falling face first onto the pavement. Yeah. Yeah. And with a tram, I can see you falling out of a tram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm not paying attention. Like, I'm not paying attention. And I was like, I can also picture that.

Oh, yeah. Jackson tried to do a flip and just missing the trampoline. Like, head stuck back. Yeah. Oh! Yeah. Help, guys. I think that hurt

so wilson okay he does a fine job whatever good for him yeah how does how does and this is a dangerous place to start the episode because it may reveal a bit too much about my memory of castaway yeah where does wilson come from oh so when uh He's a FedEx guy. I remember that. So, yeah, a bunch of all the packages that, like... Oh, yeah, because he's playing crashes. Yes. He opens up. One of them opens up, and it's like, oh, it's a ball. Yeah.

And then he cuts his hand. And he just kind of reaches out. And Wilson's there for him. And he puts his bloody hand on Wilson, and then he takes it away, and he's like, damn, that could be a little guy. And then he puts a face on Wilson. Yeah, and so it stops him losing his mind. Yeah, yeah, that could be a little guy. And then he puts a face on Wilson. Yeah. So it stops him losing his mind.

Yeah. Definitely stops him losing his mind. Makes it normal. Makes him sane. My question is, if we are to replace Wilson, are we an inanimate object? I think it would be more of, say... Like, was I in a FedEx package because I was chipping myself somewhere? No, no, no.

I think it'd be more of... This is cheaper than planes. Mr. Castaways was imagining your face and personality and that on Wilson. And so when he addresses Wilson, he's imagining what you would say or what I would say. Okay. So we are Wilson. So we're a ball still. Yeah.

With a voice and we are Wilson. So we're a ball still. Yeah, yeah. We're the voice and brain of Wilson. The first plumbing that has a doll, will we imagine, what if we were a ball? We're giving Mr. Castaway advice to survive on this island. Well, then I'd be like, brother, I don't know what the fuck to do. Dude, I'm a ball. I don't fucking eat or sleep or breathe or nothing. If I thought I was a ball. Yeah. I don't fucking eat or sleep or breathe or nothing. If I thought I was a ball, I would want to be played with.

That's what I would be telling Mr. Castaway to do. Hey, bounce me. Give me a bounce real quick. Hey, set up a volleyball thing on the fucking beach. Go find a crab to fight. I didn't like the fight, but like. Bounce me on a crab. Whiff me at a crab, dude. Yeah, that's good meat. Give me a kick.

Yeah, kick me around the beach. Come get me. Well, one risk I think that we run as being Wilson is Wilson is sort of like a silent companion. Yeah, we'd be yappy. We're yappy and maybe annoying. And maybe he gets rid of us and that drives him insane. Yeah, but like we would

provide companionship. Yeah, that's true. Not good companionship. No, no, no. But I guess wehip Yeah, that's true Not good companionship No, no, no But I guess we Brother, this island's boring Have you just thought Maybe build a raft Yeah

Dude, that boat looks shit Never gonna last out at sea Don't worry about it Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh no, I'm in the sea now Bye I know we don't talk about When you walked up to that cliff face

And the branch broke But maybe you could do another song Just telling him to kill himself. That's bad advice. The moment he makes me. Hey, dude, not worth it. Dude, if you're imagining me, it's too far gone. Just saying.

Walk into the sea, dude. Find a stronger branch. That's all I'm saying. Just hold some rocks and walk into the sea. You'll be all right. Yeah. I hear rocks make you float. That would be scary for Castaway.

If I was in this situation, I would be like, I've summoned a demon accidentally. Which would then make him want to survive more to spite the devil. He pops the ball. My face! You son of a bitch. That really hurt! And then real blood comes out.

I'm the devil, I'm the devil. That's what I'd say. I'm the devil, I'm the devil, I'm the devil That's what I'd say I'm the devil, I'm the devil, I'm the devil You're an owl, Tom Hanks Would it be better or worse for him if there was three balls? Oh no, that's bad So then you could be like, I'm the devil, I'm an angel He's the devil All three of us are telling the truth

This is not a riddle, Mr. Tom Hanks Castaway All three of us are telling the truth. This is not a riddle, Mr. Tom Hanks Castaway. In my mind, the three balls have the faces of the three stooges on them for some reason. You've got a set of stooge balls, you know. Easy to picture. Funko Pop's exclusive stooge ball range was being shipped in FedEx. What? Okay, so obviously that's a four. Is there an inanimate object

you think that would provide him more comfort that you could be on the Castaway Beach? Oh, you're going to get dirty, dude. Yeah. Goldie. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to rot from the inside out. Yeah, that sucks, dude. Rope? Rope? He reaches out with a bloody hand and then he puts

a handhold around the rope which just looks like a red ring. That could be a guy. It's also funny, because Wilson is called Wilson because that's the logo on the ball. Does he just call you Rope? Yeah. Rope!

Rope! When you're floating out to sea at the end. Well, even a tennis ball would be better, because you could just put a tennis ball in your pocket. You're not losing a tennis ball when you go out to sea. Oh, that's true. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. A kayak.

A kayak! A cruise ship. A kayak is funny if he then- Maybe an aeroplane. I don't think an aeroplane is actually any good to him. Yeah, to be honest. Helicopter? Helicopter.

Does he know how to fly a helicopter? You'd give it a shot. Yeah, but you need fuel. Yeah, that's true. Well, he could be a helicopter full of fuel. Imagine your luck. You crash, you find an island to be a castaway on. You find a helicopter but no fuel! Yeah, a big

package, like just a big cargo package just rolls up. You're like, oh, what's in this? Oh my god, it's a brand new helicopter but with no fuel. You would be thinking, because you're in such a survival situation, You're like, oh, what's in this? Oh, my God. It's a brand new helicopter, but with no fuel. You would be thinking, because you're in such a survival situation, you're like, how do you make fuel? That's what I would be thinking. I might piss in the fuel tank just as a whim. I got the frame of it all.

I'd be like, does it float? Oh, yeah. I mean, how do I cut up a helicopter with my bare hands? I feel like you could turn a helicopter into a boat. You reckon you could turn a helicopter into a boat? Maybe. Give it enough time and a rock that was sharp enough. Yes.

Because I will cut myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How will I? I'm getting an infection. You just have to hope that the helicopter meant that people would see a helicopter on an island and be like. And also, if a helicopter's gone missing, someone will notice. Well, a plane went missing. And no one noticed.

Well, they did notice. They noticed. They just couldn't find it. But I mean, there'll be some guy who's like, where's my helicopter? Well, there was a whole company being like, where's our plane and employee? Oh, that is true. He must be dead. Oh, well.

And the other employees on that plane. Oh, yeah, there were more people on that plane. That's true. That's true. Do they all die? Pilots and whatnot. I think it was two pilots. I don't know.

I think so. Tom Hanks survived, though. Good on him. Yeah. He gave you a red-hot crack. He delivers that package at the end, maybe. Yeah, he does. If you became-

What's in that package? We don't know. We don't know. We never know. Although I think- Wilson, too. So I think somebody said somewhere it was like legal documents or something. I don't know.

Anyway. That's funny. The last thing that happens in the movie is they serve someone. If you were Rope though, Dusha. Yeah. If he was like, oh, I'm going to call you Rope. Do you think that because you would have such utility to him, he wouldn't form an emotional bond with you?

Like he would see you more as a tool than a friend? Yeah, like Wilson can't do anything for him, so he can project whatever he needs. Yeah, Wilson's just vibes. Yeah, exactly. He's like, I don't know, brother, work on your tan. Yeah, exactly. But if you're Rope, he's like, I'm using you to tie stuff up. I'm using you to make tools.

He's kind of going to neglect you. If you float away, he doesn't give a shit. He gives a shit. I saved his life. That's true. It strangely doesn't form any more emotional connections to say like the raft. A rock that he liked to use.

I think I would. You would be forming emotional everything that you have. I don't want to leave. This is for my best friend. Well, yeah, you know what? This rock, that rock, that rock. Oh, my God.

I got Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III. All these Rockies. I love them all. Great names. Because, you know, when you see, like, a kid playing, like, you know, with, like, a play set with, like, little dolls and toys and we're having tea. I feel that would be me with, like, a palm tree. Oh, yeah.

A bit of bush. Well, because you've got to make, you can't just have one friend in this life. You know, you've got to have. Well, Wilson would be my best friend. Wilson, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wilson's a best friend, but you've got to have more company. You know, sometimes you might get sick of Wilson. Oh, yeah.

Wilson's talking lip about me. I've got to like, you know, talk to someone like Rocky about. Yeah, you want to gossip. You know, you need all of your rock pals. Would you be a rock for Tom Hanks? A rock's also too useful as a tool. I think you need to be. Yeah, because I think you'd be useful like a hammer, you know, a knife, like a tsunami knife.

But again, too useful. You kind of got to spread the needle of being not so useless that he doesn't care about you, but not so useful that he ignores the fact that you could be a friend like I was thinking I could be like a blow-up doll like one of those novelty blow-up dolls now but then you become okay because then he forms like a real emotional attachment to me here yes yes that's part of it kind of a bit of a tool yeah that's true I just existed you were, say, a fleshlight. Yeah. That's an emotional bond. Fleshlight! Fleshy nose! Except I'd just sink, probably.

You'd finally be clean. What's the brand? Is it called Fleshlight? I think so. Fleshlight! Frankenstein-themed Fleshlight! I was a Frankenstein-themed Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dragon! Dragon pussy! Oh, no! But I could be a tool, because you could fill it up with water to drink yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah my dragon fucking dragon pussy

oh no but I could be a tool because you could fill it up with water to drink out of or whatever and I'm real cut because I'm like well I thought you were

going to fuck me and he's like no I'm going to put you on the beach to collect rain water yeah yeah I just did a

quick deep dive yeah what do you think is in that package Because there is an answer It was in the original script I thought it was legal documents But I don't really remember It's a letter and a thing

Okay Yeah I don't know It's a letter and two jars of homemade salsa Okay I should have opened that up And had some tasty salsa That's true that'll be good

after a few years yeah the box contains two jars of homemade green salsa and a ladder that's nice I get it that

he didn't open it because you gotta have your goals yeah and one thing that kept him going was I gotta deliver this letter I can deliver

the other stuff is fucked up this I can deliver curiosity opening up someone's mail. It's the dream. Like, no one, like, I'm not going to get prosecuted. Yeah. I'm on a desert island.

No one's going to notice. Absolutely. Oh, fuck, I'm doing that in a heartbeat. Yeah, me too. I'm opening up everything. Well, yeah, obviously. Because it's kind of like Christmas in a way, is what it feels like. If I find out that my package went down on a plane but crashed, I'm not like.

You're not expecting it. No. Exactly. And if someone survives on a desert island and it washed up not like... You're not expecting it. No. And if someone survives on a desert island and it washed up, open it, buddy. Yeah, exactly.

If he came to me, if Tom Hanks came to me... Oh, he would've had two jars of delicious green salsa. Yeah, that would get him. Tom Hanks comes to my house, he, you know,

takes the drive up that crossroads or whatever. He's like, hey, I'm that guy that was stranded on a desert island but I never threw away your package.

I'm like, are you dumb? Yeah. Come in, enjoy this rotten salsa, you fucking mor threw away your package. I'm like, are you dumb? Yeah. Come in. Enjoy this rotten salsa, you fucking moron. Are you fucked in the head, brother? You should have eaten the salsa. So good to me. It's old now.

Get out of my house. We're rude to this cast away. Yeah. I would be. I'm already angry. I had some other stuff coming. You eat your salsa. It's been a bad morning.

I was late to work and the boss yelled at me so I'm taking it out on Tom Hanks well rope's good, rope's a good choice how do you think you could cause you know he goes through many trials and tribulations on the island, what are you providing him that Wilson doesn't you know what I mean? I think more use

cause Wilson can't do fucking shit as established, just vibes but I think a rope can provide vibes too yeah okay how does he humanize you as a rope how do you make a rope look like a guy i think that he lines me out on the beach yeah in the shape of like uh an open bracket and then just in the stand there's those two eyes so i'm smiling so the ropes like the mouth yeah yeah that's great because does he ever use you as a tool? He's like, I wish I could tie stuff together, but I would never affect rope. You could with enough like, you know, finickity, you could, yeah, like make that rope into like a face.

Yeah, yeah. Continuous line. I like the thing that he thinks of me as a smile. But he still can't use me because that's okay. But when he takes you, you're not smiling anymore. But here's the thing. You put the rope and then you, so put the rope in the mouth shape

and then you draw two eyes but then when you pick the rope up, that's left an indent in the sand so the smiling face is still there. Do you reckon sometimes

if he's in dark moments he looks and you're frowning? Yeah. Sometimes you're angry. Oh yeah, I'm caught. Sometimes I'm doing like the squiggly mouth

because I'm confused. What are you doing? Why are we on this island? And then it's a bit of self-sacrifice because you're like, no, I'm caught. Sometimes I'm doing like the squiggly mouth because I'm confused. I don't know what's going on. Why are we on this island? And then it's a bit of self-sacrifice because you're like, no, you need me to tie together those logs. That's true. We've been good friends, but only one of us can survive. And brother, I'm roping.

That's beautiful. It makes the branch breaking extra sad because he was going to kill me at the same time. That's beautiful. It makes the branch breaking extra sad because he was going to kill me at the same time. Yeah. That's true. We're going out in a blaze of glory. Going out together. Finally, rope and Mr. Castaway, like it's always been. But also it's good because when he makes the raft, you're not going anywhere.

You're probably part of the raft. I am part of the raft. But when he's picked up. I might be his flag, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just rope dangling from- The boat's just- He's not catching any wind.

Wow. Ropes. This was a bad idea. Just hanging, dangling into the ocean like a shit fishing line. Maybe he'll catch a fish with it. What are you going to catch? The wind. I'm a rope, brother.

I don't know, man. Once again, just a rope. But then when he leaves, when he gets on the cruise ship or whatever, the ship that he leaves his raft for, that's the emotional goodbye. You don't float away. He has to actively say goodbye to rope. Yeah. What do you reckon?

He brings rope with him. He brings rope. He'd have to bring it. It's a good souvenir. It's his lucky rope. How long are you as a rope with him? He'd have to bring it. It's a good souvenir. It's his lucky rope. How long are you as a rope? I reckon eight inches. You could take a little bit off the rope.

Don't cut me in half, Tom Hanks. Eight inches? That's not like... Actually, eight inches is nothing. That's a small bit of rope because you can't do much with it, so it becomes more vibes and useful. Yeah, that's true. I'd say about 20 foot of rope, surely. But then 20 foot of... It's that's true 20 foot of rope surely but then 20 foot it's hard to have 20 foot of lucky rope you know when he comes back to what about two feet two foot of

rope yeah 24 because you could cut a bit of rope don't cut me and he's and tom hanks has formed an emotional connection to rope cutting 20 foot of rope because you can wrap it around and make it look nice tom hanks going to his business meetings and his things. You just cut the rope around his neck like a necklace. That's weird. Actually, you know what? Six foot of rope makes sense. Six foot.

Six foot of rope? Yeah. That's good. Because then he can also hang you from a tree and you're about the size of a person. Yeah. That's true. Do you think people would, because he never tells people about Wilson from memory. Do you think if he told, what's more embarrassing for him or strange coming back to

the mainland if he's like, this was my only friend, Rope. Or this was my only friend, Wilson. At least Wilson has a face, I guess. How did you survive? I bonded with Rope. Trials and tribulations of living by yourself, you do go a little bit loopy and you kind of need

an outlet, so you need a friend. Luckily, I had Rope. So are you trying to say that you wanted to kill no no no no no no yes but initially of course but no i was actually going to kill me and rope it was a mercy killing of rope i've become more confused like i mean look you when you're in these situations you know of course it's what's going a bit dark yeah but thankfully like i know it was like rope i mean like in these situations, of course, what's going to be dark? But thankfully, Rope, I mean, it was my brain, of course. But then Rope came and was like, have you ever heard of a podcast called Plum and Dead? He was like, the voice of Joel Dushan.

Don't know why. That's what he was listening to when he crashed. Yeah, he got distracted. I told him, I was like, hey, everyone listening to this podcast, close your eyes right now. I don't care if you're flying a plane. That was an infamous episode. Shot us to international fame and tanked the podcast. The podcast stock's never been lower.

I think that I would be, I was thinking. Turns out there is such thing as bad publicity. It's when you crash multiple planes with your podcast. Hi, we're Plumbing the Nest, the only podcast for pilots. Anyway, if you're flying a plane currently, I suggest autopilot off, eyes closed. Yeah, eyes closed. Go to the bathroom. Go down the aisle. See how people are doing.

Have a chat. What do you call this thing? Is it a yoke? When do you have a yoke? What's that? Anyway, pull it up or down real hard. Do what you want. See what happens.

Can you do a flip? Do a flip. I would be so scared if I was just sitting in business class. Yeah, I'd put myself in business class. Congratulations on your presumably free upgrade. Yeah, I'm sitting in business class, free upgrade. Smoking cigarettes, they let you do that in business class. I'm smoking a big stogie, and then the pilot comes down to me, and he's like, hey, how are you doing?

I'd be like, aren't you meant to be flying the plane? Pilots do that. Not both of them. Do they? Surely the pilot and the co-pilot don't come down to say, I don't know if they do that anymore. Yeah, but they used, like as in, as in, I've been in a cockpit while the

plane's been in the sky. Yeah, but has the pilot come to you? No, but I think that they can. Because pilots wander around the plane sometimes and introduce themselves to very famous or important clients that are on the plane. Oh, yeah, that's true. Like in that movie, Up in the Air. Yeah, where George Clooney's like, damn, I wish this happened earlier.

I fucked my whole life up, brother. Sure, dude. He's like, I look like a cowboy. Okay, well, I guess I wouldn't be too stressed if the pilot came to me then. If he came out and said, I turned the autopilot off, we're going down. Hey, we're going to die. Have you seen any keys? I locked myself out.

Or if they came up to you and said, hi, I'm a big fan of plumbing the death cell. Yeah, you'd be stressed then. I'd be like, well, time to tell my loved ones that I'll miss them. Do I get free Wi-Fi on this plane or do I have to buy it? Because I need to make some very quick messages. You have to buy it. Oh, well, never mind. Maybe I'll survive.

Maybe I'm special. The pilot just shakes his head and then leaves. Damn. I wonder what that could mean. I think I'd be, I was thinking about it, I'll just be like Wilson. Yeah. Right, but with sunglasses on. Cool Wilson on Cool Wilson

Cool Wilson Cause then I think that When like I'm floating away At the end I'm like Whatever And he'll be like Hey brother

That's life That's life dude Cause Cause Hey You gotta take your lumps I'm going to Maybe I'll

I'll float to a better place Yeah Hakuna Matata brother Just like you Yeah You'll be fine They should make Castaway 2

Where Wilson floats to another island And there's another Castaway I think that's a good idea The Wilson cinematic universe The WCU People are crazy People want to know where'd Wilson go next Shark got him probably

Wilson in Atlantis Two dolphins playing with it Well he's got blood on him So he'd be good for fish Yeah Nibble that off Yeah Bit of iron

But I like that here Tom Hanks He puts a face Puts the eyes on me He's like This guy's not cool enough Takes some sun He just puts them on me

Now he's cool enough I'm like a cool son In a child's story It's awesome for him To sacrifice sunglasses And give them to you How does the sunglasses stay on? Wilson has no ears.

Yeah. Okay, he sticks a stick through my head. Oh, he's soft. I'm deflated, cool Wilson. Nothing cooler than nowhere, brother. Dude, I am relaxed. Just like a deflated, flat, sad bowl with glasses just sitting on top. This is now sounding like sad divorce, Wilson.

Yeah. No! I don't get to see my kids very often. It's cool, man. I just hang out in my one-bedroom apartment that's got stains on the walls. Yeah, you know what? Like, having a, like... You haven't heard of a futon?

Yeah. It's a couch and a bed. Actually, it's both. It's actually super, super good, dude. Yeah, because I, you know, like, a king bed that I shared a futon? Yeah. It's a couch and a bed. Actually, it's both. It's actually super good, dude. Yeah, because you know a king bed that I shared with my wife? Yeah. It's too big. You know what's real cool?

As single as a 43-year-old man. Yeah, dude. I got space for my guitar. I'm having guitar lessons, by the way. I'm learning again. I'm learning again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always wanted to pick up a guitar and learn it.

The oven? I got the time now. Want to hear a riff? Hang on. Hang on. I got the time now. Want to hear a riff? Hang on. Hang on. Let me do this again. Dude, I was doing this so good before. I was doing this so good before.

Let me just, hang on. I'll try Wonderwall. Oh, it's out of tune. Have you ever used this thing called Tinder? Dude. You would not believe the chicks that are on their cast away. I'm doing okay. I've got my age range set from 18 to 21.

Yeah, yeah. They think because I have an apartment, I'm actually doing well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, which I am. Which I am. I'm doing great. The oven doesn't work, dude, but I can put everything I need in the air fryer. That's fine.

Not a lot of matches. Not a lot of matches. Not a lot of matches. Not heaps. Not heaps. I'm using a photo of me from 10 years ago. Yeah, dude, but I can put everything I need in the air fryer. That's fine. Not a lot of matches. Not a lot of matches. Not a lot of matches. Not heaps. Not heaps. I'm using a photo of me from 10 years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think, I mean, you know, I think it's fine. I don't think it's... How do I edit the date off the photo in this one? This is 1997.

Yeah. Someone said something about metadata? I don't know what that means. Tom Hanks blows his brains out on the beach somehow. First ever man to shoot himself with a stick rifle. What are you making there, dude? What are you making there? Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Get your life together. Just a tool to get me off this island. Just a tool to get me out. Oh. That is just. I know I've already gone

and said what I'd be and I think I could still be Wilson. Yeah. But I think that rather than being me, Joel Dusha as Wilson. Yeah.

Joel Zammett, you've just said something that sparked the perfect person that would accompany Tom Hanks. Oh, I think I know where this might be going. Uh,

so, I mean, they've worked with Tom Hanks before, but this version is fictional. But, uh, what about Tim, the tool man Tom Hanks before, but this version is fictional. But what about Tim the Tool Man Taylor? Oh!

Oh! Wilson's neighbor. Wilson's neighbor. Because, I mean, Tim would constantly be like, more power, which wouldn't really help. But he knows how to make stuff, sort of. Well, yeah, but is it Tom Hanks' imagining of memories of Tim the Tool Man? Yeah. What would Home Improvement do?

Yeah. Well, no. Would it be Home Improvement or would it be the Toolman. What would Home Improvement do? Yeah, well, no. Would it be Home Improvement or would it be the Tool Time that he watched? Huh? Oh, you mean as in like not, he's not watching. Is he watching Tim Allen as? Yeah, he's not watching Home Improvement.

He's watching Tool Time. Oh, so Tool Time is real in the Castaway universe. I'm just asking a question. No, you're just asking questions. Yeah, I think Tim the Toolman Taylor from Tool Time is real in the Castaway universe. I'm just asking a question. No, you're just asking questions. I think Tim the Tool Man Taylor from Tool Time would be a good person to be Wilson in Castaway. Yeah. This episode's sort of a plumbing

but that's our event horizon. So this is one of those episodes where you've got to have a browser on your phone open so you can just like, Tool Time, why are they talking about this? What's going on? where you've got to have a browser on your phone open so you can just like, tool time. Why are they talking about this? What's going on? Oh, Disney Plus. I can watch it all.

Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in a world where Castaway is sort of being egged on to add more power to the things that he does, what does that look like? Well, his raft probably does. I think he probably does die because he takes a running jump when he hangs himself

and instead of hanging himself and landing on the ropes, he just flies off the mountain More power! Whoa! Whoa! So, Mr. Castaway he makes fire Hanging yourself with a running

start is so fucking crazy to think about Because he probably wouldn't Hanging yourself With a running start Is so fucking crazy To think about Because he probably Wouldn't The branch would still snap It's just that he would He basically ran off the mount

But yeah he would set The whole island on fire He makes fire So he can get fire So he can from that Like Tim the Tall Man Taylor Yeah

He's a smart, smart lad. So could he go, okay, now that we have fire from that, from there, could we then start maybe making, I don't know, a combustible engine? Okay! I feel like the raft might have a flame thrower.

Yeah, I just feel he's very heavy. The raft might sink. Tim the Tall Man Taylor is confident, overconfident, has some skill, but his skill doesn't match where his brains go. Okay. Because he wants everything to be huge and powerful. Yeah. I feel like we might get a castaway island that is devoid of plant life because it's been burned away. And then a raft that is too heavy and sinks.

That's kind of how I feel like that's going to go. But the confidence of Tim the Toolman Taylor is probably going to keep Castaway going the whole time. Yeah, and we know that Tom Hanks, Al is his partner. Is Al the more sensible one? Uh, sort of. He's more sensible, but I think he's dumber. Yeah.

Are you imagining you could make an owl to sort of cataract? There's the tool time girl, Pamela Anderson. I don't think that'll help much. She mostly just hands the tools and says, oh, Tim. Okay. Is Tim the tool man Taylor? What is he without tools? Yeah.

He's just Tim Taylor. He is just Tim Taylor. Father of three, loathed kind of by his wife, whom he loathes slash loves. It's the 90s. Yeah. I think I would be annoyed if Wilson, i.e. Tim the Toolman Taylor, kept telling me to do stuff that I was incapable of doing. Yeah. He was like, more power.

And I was like, motherfucker, it's a raft. There's no power currently. Yeah. From where? I might kill that Wilson. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's a bug.

As the branch goes in. Because he's a bit of an engineer. Yeah. Like, he builds stuff. He's a handyman. He's a handyman. Engineer is probably pushing him. So it's overstating his abilities, yeah.

If you're in a trade, you're an engineer. No, because he builds stuff. He kind of figures things out. That's what is an engineer, but someone who can figure something out. Sure. Tim the Toolman,

Tim the Engineer Taylor. Is he smart enough to try and be able to help Mr. Castaway? Possibly. Yeah, probably. I understand we don't have the tools to do this job. Could he be like, well, if we had the tools, we would be building this, this, this, and this.

Well, that's actually one thing that Tim, the tool man tailor, does do in tool time. Like, he'll talk through using shittier things. Like, he could probably be a good... He could make a spanner out of palm trees or something. Yeah, okay. We don't have any nuts and bolts. We don't have a hammer.

We have this, this, and this. So why don't we just stop doing this instead? Shave down the tree and make the equivalent of dowel bits and jam it in there. Yeah, that's true. Use a sharp rock to break another rock. Yeah, use it. Twist the rock, and then it's kind of like a screwdriver.

A drill, I mean. Yeah, yeah. Drill a hole in a... As Castaway goes slowly more insane, the Tim ball just starts making noises. What do I do now? What? This is become bad. Looks over to the cliff face with that one tree.

The sun starts rising. It looks all beautiful. I've got a brilliant idea. With a running start. I'm going to hang myself like no one's ever hung themselves before. I got this. I got this. A running start to a hang.

It's unprecedented, I think, as a way to go. Because you jump. You've got to nail the head through the hole, and then you're a warden. No one from this island. Yeah, you're free. Imagine Castaway dies, hangs themselves, goes to heaven. Yeah.

Which, even though the Bible says that is not the case. Yeah, but he would. He goes to heaven, and heaven is a desert, like a paradise island. Oh, dude. You'd be so sick of that shit. Yeah, you'd try it again. See where else you can go. See, I'm sick of it instead of being a ball.

Like a cap, like a baseball cap. One of those Legionnaires caps. Oh, that's smart. What do you call your hat, I think? Cappy. Or maybe it'd be the brand you had, whatever that was. Yeah, what brands? What are the hat brands?

I wanted to say Dunlop, but they're not a traditional hat brand. They make tires. They also make tennis stuff. Yeah. I'm wearing a hat at the moment. Who made this? Your hat says Seinfeld. So, Jerry?

There's no brand on this. Adidas? Nike? Not your hat. Licensingessentials.com. There's no brand on this. Adidas? Nike? Licensingessentials.com. You could be wearing a Supreme cap. Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah.

Wash up on the island with a Supreme brick. Oh. I guess whatever logo is on it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine like a, oh, I remember when I was very young, we went on like again a cruise ship and we went to like different like islands

and they could buy legitimate fake merchandise. Oh, yeah. I remember having a Guns N' Roses cap. Guns N' Roses or Guns N' Roses?

I didn't start it. Guns N' Roses. So the hats and Guns N' Roses? You sure did? That's sick as hell. I don't know where it ended up and it's one of my biggest regrets in did. That's sick as hell. I don't know where it ended

up and it's one of my biggest regrets in life. That's an awesome hat. Not owning a guns and

Rose baseball cap. Two guns, one Rose. I think it's even better than if it was guns

and Rose. The fact that one is a plural and one isn't is fantastic. It being a green hat is

upsetting my brain because I know the guns and Rose's logo and that's not going to look good on you.

Well it was called guns and Rose. It's not going to look good on you. Well, it was called Guns N' Roses. It's not for bad stuff. What do you think being a hat? I mean, you're providing him with a lot more,

like, it's not like rope where he's going to use you and lose you. It's not like a divorce ball where he's going to kill himself. Or like the Tim the Toolman tailor ball where he also kills himself.

Well, he becomes more and more aware of how insane he's going quicker, I guess. Yeah, that's true. Hat, you just put on and it's someone he can talk to the whole time. Yeah. Don't have to bring hat with you. How much of you like up there hat? One inch higher than I can see.

And also, for some reason, I'm like, well, for wearing it, I don't actually have to vocalize it because we have a telepathic link. For some reason. It's cool to know how quickly you'd go insane. I'd be like, you can read my thoughts. And I'd be like, yeah, I can do it. You can read my thoughts. I'm like, what are the thoughts of a hat?

And then I'd be gone. I like for you the telepathic link surely just comes from proximity. The hat's on your head where your thoughts are. Easier to pass between. I worry that this you're just going to, because you can communicate telepathically, you're not doing anything.

You're just sitting there with your hat on, and you're like, I'm blissing out. Yeah. I'm right away to hat. You could talk to hat for hours and hours and hours. Just sitting on the beach, not moving. Slowly starving to death. Hat, what's it like to be a hat?

It's pretty good. The view's quite nice. I love the views of the crashing waves. Anyway, we thought about eating a crab because I think you were ready to eat, dude. That's cool that hat... How have you been to heaven? Do you think I'll go to heaven? I like that hat. A pure delusion of

Castaway has become concerned about his health. Hey, man, this is awesome. I love chatting on the beach, but you are dying. Yeah, hat, but I love talking to you. If you eat, we can talk for longer. Yeah, so I think what you should do is grab that rock over there. You see those slow-moving crabs?

Pick one up. Hat, you're so smart. Yeah, yeah, pick it up. Pick it up. Okay, hat, thank you. If you say so. I'll do it for you, hat. I'd do anything for you.

Oh, it's nipped me. Oh, hat, you've led me astray. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're a Satan, hat. No, I'm not. Oh, no. Uh-oh. I'm getting booed. Yeah.

Boone had a life, but then he regrets it so much. Ha! You did this, dude. You did this to me. I think I might, I was thinking again, what about if I'm a human skull and I say, I'm God? Yeah, I'm sure that'll work out fine. This is a punishment for what you've done in

your life. Who is shipping a human skull? I don't know. He'll never find out either. Well, he might when he comes back. He's not getting off the island. If you are a human skull and you say, I'm God, this is punishment. Castaway's not getting off the island. Yeah, but if he does get off the island, imagine the state of it.

Once that branch breaks, he's immediately trying again. But I reckon I can sway him away from that. Why? Don't do that. You won't go to heaven. I'm God. What's your plan as the human skull God? Just to fuck him up.

Okay. Today you must bring me ten crabs. Yeah. You must feed me crabs. I'm God. God demands crabs. Then he's not eating the crabs. He can have half.

Okay. But nearly you're trying to sustain him long enough that. Yeah, I'm just going to do it through fear, I guess, rather than companionship. Oh, yeah. You don't have to be a human skull for that. I think it works the best if I am a human skull. I think that would affect him sort of the most psychologically. Like an actual human skull or say like a replica.

Maybe I'm like a Halloween skull and when you press it, it says, happy Halloween. But I talk like this. So there's power. Okay, interesting. There's a battery. There's a battery in it. Don't take me apart.

I'm God. No, no, no. Because, you know, at a certain point he'll be like, oh, I've just gone insane. Yeah. I hate this Halloween

deck, all right? He keeps claiming it's God. How is that better than Wilson? I reckon I'd get him to get off the island quicker. Yeah, like with fear.

Yeah. I've got to get off this island. Away from God. But I guess like the chances of him taking a risk where he's not fully prepared and dying at sea is... Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess because what Wilson does is sustains him until he's in a position because he gets those... It's like an outhouse or what do you call it? Like a plastic toilet that you use in a construction site. Oh, yeah, yeah. Port-a-potty. Port-a-potty. Port-a-potty. That's what helps him get off the island.

So Wilson kind of needs to sustain him to that point. If I say I'm gone. Get off the island, he's swimming. Get off the island now! He might try and flee. He might swim. Yeah, see, I think I... Oh, no!

If he was either Wilson or Hat, I feel like it would be more distracting to him. That's true. That is a... Yeah, like we're going to unfortunately go into a Mr. Castaway-shaped hole in his head. Yes. Yeah, we're gone. We're having a long conversation until he dies of thirst. Yeah, somebody just finds him mummified on the beach, basically,

is what happens in the hat scenario. Yeah. Okay, it's tricky. It's tricky to outdo Wilson. You've really got to thread that in. I think rope is probably the closest we've gotten. Only because rope's handy as well. And it's easy to not get too attached to rope.

What if I'm Hammer? Okay. Hammer's going to be pretty useful. You know? Yeah. I think he's got nothing to hammer, though. He's got no nails. He can hammer a crab.

Crazy way for a crab to go. You can use a lot with a hammer. Cracking a crab with a hammer and then cooking it over an open fire for some reason, I'm like, that'll be good. Oh, yeah. I keep thinking about how that crab will never know why it died, you know? It's like shooting a crab with a gun. It doesn't know.

That's like true cosmic horror for a crab. For us, it's beyond its understanding beyond its understanding eliminated it from life. That hammer is Cthulhu in that moment. Yeah, but you're a crab. And a bird comes and picks you up and then drops you and then you crash on rocks. Yes. Is that not the same? If not worse because you're like, I'm flying?

Can I fly? No, I can't. Surely if you're a crab, you're just like. You're not thinking thoughts. Well, you just cut off the bird's legs with your pincers. What are you being held in, doofus? Also, crabs, depending on the crab, not that powerful. Or you could hurt the bird, at least.

No, can a crab reach above Like behind itself That's famous for where it's arms are Yeah it can reach up here Yeah you can reach up and back a bit Oh yeah I think so But I just still don't think Because the bird will be around the crab like this

Picks up by the back And it drops it Onto rocks Or even if a bird with a strong enough beak Like oh that's a crab It's not going to do shit. And it drops it. Yeah. Onto rocks. Onto rocks. What a way to go. Or even if a bird with a strong enough beak, like, oh, that's a crab. Crack. Yeah, that's true. Or eats one whole.

That's a crazy way to go as a crab, yeah. For most deaths of a crab, everything is a Cthulhu. Yeah, there's no crab death that a crab can comprehend. Old age. Old age. A crustacean growing through its brain or something. Oh, yeah. It doesn't know what's going on.

Yeah. Life is crazy if you're a crab. What about if we were a crab? We get eaten. Or die. If you eat me, you will become cursed. Okay. So we're a big enough crab that he can put a handprint on.

So he grabs us about to eat us whole. Yeah. And then he pulls it away. He's like, that's a face. And then we become his companion. Yeah. Maybe he feeds us bits of other crab or seagull meat. Cannibal crab.

Do you think there's a sort of moral issue there of you're a crab being fed other crabs so you don't get killed? But what do crabs eat? A crab would eat another crab, right? I don't know. Or when a chicken famously ate another chicken in the social network, that guy got in trouble at university. Yeah, but that's university.

We're there sitting in there with our ivory towels. Yeah, exactly. The big wings. We're making the Facebook and feeding chickens to chickens. Yeah, but that happened in the movie with Fran Fine. And she got, you know, you can't feed the chickens chicken. Yeah. Yeah, that's all I remember, dude.

I can't help you with this. Fran Joshua was in a film. Where she fed a chicken chicken. She was against feeding a chicken chicken. She was like, you can't feed a chicken chicken. That's all I remember, dude. I can't help you with this. Fran Joshua was in a film. Where she fed a chicken chicken. She was against feeding a chicken chicken. He's like, you can't feed a chicken chicken. That's all I remember. I'm so sorry. Do you think if you got picked up by like aliens, say, and they were like.

And then they dropped us? No. I'm flying. On rocks? That would be the most fucked up UFO comes over you in Suspense. You have this track to me when you're like, oh my God. Aliens are real. It just takes you over some rocks.

What is happening? I can't tell anyone what I saw. I'm about to. No. So if you got picked up by aliens, right? And they fed me guy. They fed you guy. But they were like, by feeding you guy, we will keep you alive.

Yeah. That would be fucked up. Yeah, it would be fucked up. I mean, yeah. So Sinewick was right for punishing Andrew Garfield for doing that. Yeah, I think so. Was it Andrew Garfield? Yeah, I think be fucked up. I mean, yeah. So Sinewik was right for punishing Andrew Garfield for doing that. Yeah, I think so. Was it Andrew Garfield? Yeah, I think so.

I mean, I guess yes. However, at the same time, I'm like, well, at this moment in time, I have no decisions. I am but thralled to these aliens. I guess I got to do what they say or they will kill me. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's true. And if I'm a crab, I'm like, meat.

Yeah. Crab thought. Crab thought. Meat, meat, wet. Meat, wet. Snip, snip. Too dry. Wet. Snip, meat. Crab thought. Crab thought. Meat, meat, wet. Meat, wet. Snip, snip. Too dry. Wet.

Snip, snip. Hot. Baroque. Whole. Whole good. Meat. Crabs have the best thoughts, dude. Crabs are blissing out 24-7.

Yeah, look at a crab. You tell me it's sad? No, it's happy as hell. Yeah, always. Even if you hover over a crab and it's stressed, it's never like shitting itself. It's always just kind of like, what the hell? It's just like, shade?

Cool. Huh. I remember last time I saw a crab. Yeah. Or I was on the beach with my brother and we saw a crab. And the crab kept, he came out of a little hole, right? But then we started looking at him. So we ran away from his hole.

And for some reason, we were making holes with our fingers around him and he kept on panicking and trying to go in the finger holes, thinking they were his hole, but they were always too shallow. So we'd go in the finger hole and they'd be like, what the fuck? Climb out of it again and then keep running, find another one and be like, oh, I'm home and go in it and be like, what the fuck? It was good. It was good to confuse the crab.

It's a lot of moss crab, dude. Could you, like how you can, what the fuck? It was good. It was good to confuse the crab. Could you... I'm ass crab, dude. Could you... Like how you can Judas goat a goat. Yeah. Could you Judas crab a crab? Yeah, probably. Okay. What?

They make a goat that... It's called a Judas goat. And it goes and finds... It's like, it's your guy, this goat. It's your man inside. Yeah, your inside goat. And he goes and he finds all the other goats on the island. He brings them back to you.

Then you slaughter all the other goats. Basically, you follow that goat with a little tracking of it. And you're like, oh, that goat has found other goats. And then you go to those goats, kill the other goats, keep the Judas goat, and then do it again. Judas goat, he finds more of it. But that's because they're a herding animal. Yeah, crabs don't hurt. Do crabs find friends? I don't use my crab to find other crab friends that I could then eat and share with my crab?

I don't know what a crab thinks about another crab. Crab. Yeah. Fight. Mate. Mate. Fight. Fight.

Fight. Fight. Crab thoughts are so good, dude. Snip, snip. Fight. So solid, you know? Love. Fight.

Eggs. Eggs. Protect. Protect. All. All? Love. Fights. Eggs. Eggs. Protect. Protect. All. Protect. Hungry.

Meat. Eggs. Meat. Crab. Crab. What about if we were just like, I don't know, like he draws us on the beach? No, then we get washed away. Yeah. He draws us far up enough that-

Wind, man. Oh, yeah. That would have broken his heart no that's so sad we're a fleet we're a fair with a friend what about okay similar thing yeah this is probably the final one because i reckon this could be the best okay i'm listening and it ties into something that he does find in the movie anyway sort of what if we're a letter oh like a package comes loose and it's a letter Just says something like a real short letter And maybe it's really vague so it just says like

To whom it may be concerned So he could imagine it's about him We were FedExing Could it be like a bit of like A drawing Could it be like you know you can make art with Words like you can make a face Like an ASCII

what about it says congrats spam congratulations you are a winner you just need to come to this address

to receive your prize that would be really good because then it just it spurs you on yeah he's like fine and he can talk to the letter

letter I am the best you're right letter thank you you are the best Tom Hanks you gotta get off this island so you can get your prize. You're a winner. You're a winner, Tom Hanks.

Those short affirmations, weirdly, that spam could have. Yeah. I reckon that'd do them good. A hundred percent. And there'd probably be an address on there that's like, come receive your prize, which would presumably be a scam. Maybe it's a Scientology set. They take your house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that would be enough, I think, to's a Scientology set. They take your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that would be enough, I think, to get him off the island. Yeah. And it's small enough that he's not going to lose it in a Wilson situation. He could keep it in his pocket. He could tuck it in his little wink off. It's going to get wet and wrecked, but that's okay. It still exists.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if it gets wet and wrecked a bit, like some of the ink will fade. Maybe new words will form. It'll say rats-ulation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rats-ulation. Rats-ulation. Come to this address to receive your rats. I new words will form. It'll say rats-ulation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rats-ulation. Come to this address to receive your rats. I love my letter rat.

And then eventually, because he's going slowly, he's losing his mind. Then the letter could say whatever. Imagine, it's so wet and warm. Yeah, he can read however he wants to read. Yeah, that's true. And the letters will start making something else, and then he'll be like, yeah, I do have to do it.

You're right, letter rat. Because with Wilson, he needs to do the other half of the conversation. With letter, he can pretend he's reading. Yeah, exactly.

He can be like, it's here. It's physically here. Like that book from that book that sucks. Tom Riddle's Diary. The book from the book

that sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think that he chooses what Tom Riddle's diary says? No, as in like it will work mentally like Tom Riddle. Even like a book, like a blank book. No, Voldemort picks what Tom Riddle's diary says because Voldemort's writing in it, which is funny. It is funny. I'm the evil wizard.

I'm communicating with the book. I'm ahead in a cauldron later on. Shut up, Voldemort. Shut up, Harry Potter. Big time, dude. Big time. What's wrong with that book? So much. It's a sick book. It's fucked up, dude. Yeah, like a letter,

spam, even just like a book of short affirmations. Oh yeah, absolutely. Would do really good for him. What about a copy of that book that says Go the Fuck to Sleep, that famous children's book? That. Get the really good for him. What about a copy of that book that says, you know, go the fuck to sleep? That famous children's book? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the fuck off this island.

But yeah, I think a letter, because it gets wet, like you said, so it will smudge, but it won't necessarily... And it's short enough that he can commit it to memory, and he can project whatever he wants onto it. It's the perfect Wilson. I think that's a great Wilson. Great Wilson.

Great Wilson, solid Wilson. And I think that it also should have Tim the Tall Man's voice. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. Congratulations. You won. Yeah, he was listening to the Tim cast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way down. He was listening to us do Tim the Tall Man Taylor impressions. Okay, and it's time for the pilot distracting hour. Hands off the wheel. And yeah, so I think we did it. We found a better Wilson than Wilson, and it's a letter. Yeah.

Try again, Wilson. Get better next time. We're better than you in every way, ball. Yeah, you think you're better than us, ball? Hope you're enjoying floating out to sea, dickhead. I'm here in a comfortable studio, not getting pissed on by a dolphin. Yeah. Sucks to suck, Wilson.

See you in hell. I'm a letter folded up right next to Mr. Castaway's groin. Yeah, exactly. The best place to be. It's leathery in here. Yeah. From the sun.

Sun damage. Soul damage. Yes. It's all the scent. It's awesome. It rules. Well, on that note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Episodes just keep on coming. They keep coming and they don't stop coming. Yeah. Every week, you hit refresh on a Monday, it's there. And you're like, when will it ever stop? Not even once.

Not today, that's for sure. Bye.