Quick Question with Soren and Daniel - The Humiliated Dishwasher
Episode Date: October 3, 2022The guys talk most memorable in theatre movie experience, and which household appliances they hold grudges against! And as always big thanks to our sponsors. Go to Shopify.com/qq for a FREE fourteen-d...ay trial and get full access to Shopify’s entire suite of features. Get $15 off your first month’s subscription plus free shipping: Nutrafol.com/men promo code qq. Thanks Avast.com! GO.FACTOR75.com/qq130 and use code qq130 to get $130 off across 6 boxes. Â
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I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright?
I wanna hear your thoughts, wanna know what's on your mind
I've got a quick, quick question for you, alright?
The answer's not important, I'm just glad that we could talk tonight
So what's your favourite? Who did you get?
What do I be? What's it up to?
Where did all that good weeks go?
Oh, forget it.
Saw a movie, Daniel O'Brien.
Two best friends and comedy writers.
If there's an answer, they're gonna find it.
I think you'll have a great time here.
I think you'll have a great time here. So hello again and welcome to another episode of Quick Question with Soren and Daniel, the
podcast where two best friends and commentators ask each other questions and give each other
answers.
I am one half of that podcast, first descriptor, second descriptor, and man on a deadline,
Daniel O'Brien.
Join us as always by my co-host, Mr. Soren Bui.
Tick tock, tick tock, Soren, let's go. Hey, everybody. Mr. Soren Bui. Tick-tock, tick-tock, Soren. Let's go.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Soren Bui.
I'm going to change the energy a little bit here because I find it's always important to have a good dynamic.
I think if—
Juxtaposition of fast, fast, fast and just the really cool guy too.
I think if we just—
So I know you can listen to an hour-long podcast at like a sped-up speed,
and you get all the information.
Could we, do you think, speak the podcast super fast,
so only record it for like 25 minutes,
and then somehow it is an hour for everybody else?
That's my energy to it.
No one has thought of that yet.
I don't think they have.
I don't think – I think – you know what I think it is?
I think it's because that would be unpleasant for us as speakers.
I think it would be bad.
Yeah.
I think not only for us, I think it would be very unpleasant and torturous.
But then I think also the content of the podcast, not to say that like we're providing something
great here, that our services are good already.
But I think that the quality of
the podcast would suffer because my brain just doesn't work that fast. Thanks to Nutraful for
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Do you know, so have you heard about these people who listen to podcasts at a faster speed?
Yeah, I think they're psychopaths.
Have you ever met someone who does that with television shows?
Wait, I didn't even know it was possible.
Yeah, a person that I know watches like a pretty, not, the show Manifest. Let's just call
a thing what it is. The show Manifest, which is
not a great show, doesn't really need you to pay
too much attention, and she just really wants
to
get through all of it. So
she is watching it at like a sped up
speed on
wherever it is you do that. Netflix, I guess.
What? Okay, so I've definitely
encountered shows on
like social media channels that if you just go into like the video feed like they'll just give
you a random assortment i i guess not random there's an algorithm to it but it's like hey
here's part of a movie and i bet you're gonna like it but then the part of the movie is sped
up enough that everyone's voices are just a little too high yeah and it's unlistenable like it's i can't do it i can't hang
i also i i feel like if someone was watching anything i'd ever made sped up even if it's
not me talking in it because i know i already i talk fast um but like a rom.com or an after
hours or some sketch that we did it correct and someone was watching it i was like yeah i just wanted i i saw you had a this 12 minute trump satire video uh but i only had five minutes so
i just watched it at like 10 times the speed and i got through it it's good stuff i think that would
depress me so much as the maker of that thing that was like well but that's not but that's not why
that's not how you're supposed to.
When I used to test DVDs, there was one that we would test called the Math Man, I think.
Yeah, Math Man.
And it was just a dude at a chalkboard, no cuts.
And he'd be like, all right, today we're doing integers.
And he'd just take you through it. And it was designed as an accompaniment to a math class,
but we still had to test the DVDs to make sure they worked.
And that also meant watching it.
And the only joy that I got out of these videos
was that occasionally I would slow it down.
And he sounds just like a drunk person talking about math.
It's like, if you can find the exact right points to slow down
when you take those clips out of context,
you just call everybody into the room and be like, come here talking about coyotes and he's like sounds just like a person
who's not quite awake it's wonderful yeah
uh i mentioned i'm on a deadline soren it's's top of my mind. I think we've talked about deadlines before
and how much of our lives get cast to the side.
I actually was trying to buck that trend at this time
because I'm watching a ton of footage
to get this outline done
because there's always a lot of footage
that you have to watch in my job when you're outlining.
And I've been multitasking as best I can
with cleaning my kitchen and prepping dinner for later.
So that'll be a quicker task while I'm watching these videos.
And I was moving at such a good pace and getting so much done.
I still have so much to do, but I was getting a whole lot done.
But one of the things that I let slip this time that's falling through the cracks is uh uh my sanity i found that right
before this podcast when i went into the bathroom i had to go to the bathroom and i looked and i saw
my bathroom sink was not cleaned i was out loud angry oh come on couldn't you just be clean
i'm angry in my life that that are not helping me out as much as i'd like them to
you've gotten a fight with your not even a kitchen sink no that's not it's worse that's
a bathroom sink because it's just like some toothpaste from this morning that's in there
but i was so like i i really felt like everything this morning my my stove, my broom, my brain, my computer, we were all working together.
And then this fucking sink that never does shit for me.
It's just like, you missed a spot.
It's frustrating when your appliances and your pieces of your house don't pull their weight.
I know.
I know that feeling with like when there are, I mean, obviously a sink has no sense of job in my mind.
But my actual appliances that do have like a real job when they fail at that job, I'm
genuinely angry at them. Like, I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? We're all doing it
here. Like everybody's doing their thing. How you do yours. Yeah. Just don't do it.
Make the ice. Don't you see how hard I'm working? Just, just, just you, I'm not even mad at
you. You should be mad at yourself
you should explore you should expect more for yourself yeah i mean i know that feeling and i
i actually get mad so when i was a little boy i heard my dad outside with the weed whacker and he
was like trying to get to start and it was a pull start weed whacker so you had to like do a mix of
gas and oil in it and then it just wasn't starting
and then i heard him go you know work this time god damn it or i'll tear you apart
like threatening it yeah and uh and as a kid i thought that's silly and really i've grown into
that in my adulthood where i'm like i totally understand threatening objects or like punishing
them if they're not doing it right oh yeah i've certainly thought to punish objects like my dishwasher that that my two least rational
things i've done with my dishwasher which uh no one knows how to fix we've had people come over
to look at the dishwasher sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't it's an impossible problem
to diagnose because it's an impossible problem to recreate so i just live with it knowing that
sometimes it's going to work and sometimes it won't and one of the irrational
things i've done when i've run the entire cycle and it didn't wash anything i've said we talked
about this like i could try to like like don't you remember how important it is to me come on
me come on yeah and the other times i've i've uh i've tortured it by like doing some of the dishes myself uh because in in my fantasy doing dishes is the dishwasher's favorite thing to do so i'm
withholding it's like oh look i'm gonna do the pasta dish now you don't get it because you haven't
earned pasta dish it's humiliating to the dishwasher to see that it's one task is now being outsourced.
Yeah, absolutely.
In the same way where if I came home
and Colleen had asked me to install a shelf
and I hadn't done it,
and I get home and she's just doing it,
I would be like,
oh, shit.
This is real bad.
She has your daughter standing on your son's shoulders
and she's putting it. It's like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that is real bad. She has your daughter standing on your son's shoulders and she's putting it.
It's like, oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, that's my thing.
Yeah, my son has a little push buggy.
Well, now it's my daughter's inherited it.
But it's like one of those ones where it's just a plastic car that they sit in.
It has a big rod coming off the back and you push them around in it.
You've seen them everywhere.
My son at one point was playing in one of those when he was younger and uh he was
like pushing himself along and then jumping he's like pushing it along and then jumping in it and
he did it and just high-sided and tipped it over and fell down and i went over to like rescue him and get him. And then I, when I was like, are you okay?
Are you okay? He pointed at it like it did it. And so I broke the steering wheel off of it.
You know, like a weird moment where that didn't seem healthy. Um, but I was like, yeah, it was
this thing. Well then let's fuck it up. Let's get it.
Fuck it.
Like, let's let it feel what it's like.
And so I broke a heel, like just like kick down on the steering wheel and broke it off.
And he was like, immediately stopped crying because he was like, well, that's an option.
And it was not a good teaching moment.
But like, well, dad, let me tell you some other things that have wronged me.
Things and people.
That's where it gets dangerous.
I think is that if I'm willing to just like do that, he's like, oh, well, let's see.
Yeah.
Let's see how far this goes.
You know, the other day, grandma wouldn't let me have more raisins.
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Should we get into the show?
That's a good idea.
Cool.
I have a quick question for you.
Yes.
I love these.
Oh, this is my favorite set.
We do these little interstitial things.
This one's my favorite game that we play.
Great question.
And this will require way too much talking.
Who is, in your opinion, the most famous bass player alive right now?
That's a weird way of putting it, but probably like Don Mattingly.
Two great things about that wonderful uh willful misinterpretation of the question second of all don mattingly
there we both know you must know that there are very famous baseball players in the news right now.
Yes.
That are setting records.
Yes.
I picked someone from 1992.
But I've been thinking about this because I've realized I have no, absolutely no objectivity for it because I'm a bass player and I listen for bass a lot.
And then I want to
know who plays it and my oldest brother played bass growing up and it just do a
bunch of other instruments and we're all just like a musical family who were
interested in bands so I don't know there yeah the easiest one off the top
of my head is Flea who is one of the most like out front bass players in the
world and David and i were also talking about
my brother david and i were talking about like because because what i want to know is if you
polled people on the street if you got a random sampling of america non-bass players yeah
and ask them who was the who are the bass players that you know what their answers would be i think
i have to ask a qualifier here which is are they famous exclusively for playing bass because sometimes you've got a band like paul mccartney is he a bass player that was
the thing like because the two other names that pop up are paul mccartney and sting i don't know
if people think about them as bass players certainly i don't think people think of sting
as a bass player no but like i think if i held up a
picture of here's five bass players flea victor wooten sting paul mccartney uh joe dart then i
think yeah people are gonna say oh i recognize paul mccartney and i recognize sting but if you
just stopped someone and said name the five most famous bass players i really i'm so curious what
the answers would be yeah i think you have to
like the ruling has to be that they're famous for playing bass because like i think that occasionally
there's like it gets really it gets to be a slippery slope because kevin bacon i know has
a band and occasionally he will play bass in it and like arguably kevin bacon is the most famous
bass player sure but not for what he's doing not for the bass. The first answer that comes to my head.
Right.
Like if someone showed me a picture,
there was like,
oh,
it's a,
a rare 1965 picture of the queen playing bass.
It's like,
well,
sure.
Yeah.
It was weird.
That is weird that she played by the way.
She looks so small with a giant PV in her hands.
Right up until the end.
She played.
It's just great fingers, magic fingers on that woman.
The first answer that comes to my head is Les Claypool.
Oh.
But I also don't know if that's cheating too,
because he's also the front man.
Yeah.
But the bass is such a prominent feature in Primus
that I feel like it still counts.
Yeah.
I think that's a good answer.
Obviously, my choice would be Victor Wooten, but that's my favorite bass player.
Right.
But I can't choose Victor.
Nobody knows who the fuck Victor Wooten is.
No.
It's a very wild thing to be steeped in a thing that other people aren't i went to a john mayer concert
with a friend and she saw me get disappointed when the rest of the band lined up and she was
like what like i thought the bass player was gonna be pino paladino and it's not and uh that's a
person that you can like google what he looks like he looks like nothing he's very tall
but he's like a tall white guy with a narrow face and short hair it's not someone that uh
a normal person can like spot identify at a distance at a concert yeah yeah he's innocuous yeah yeah uh yeah it's i don't know that i would even be able
to oh you know i could see victor i've been to a a baila fleck concert before that's the only way i
even know what victor wooten looks like but if i was just maybe like perchance run into a victor
wooten in a trader joe's or something i'm not sure that I would give him a second look. Yeah.
I felt that way.
You know, less Claypool, honestly.
Yeah.
I felt that way.
My brother, who is a drummer, so he has this brain for drummer stuff,
telling me that he excitedly saw Liberty DeVito.
I was like, who the fuck is that?
He's like, that's the drummer from Billy Joel. I was like, why do you know what the drummer for Billy Joel looks like?
And he's another one that you can Google and be like, yeah that that kind of looks like a guy
Those are some of my favorite I'm pretty good at spotting faces of celebrities out in the wild and that's actually a right zone skill
Set right because they don't look the same. There's like elements that are are the same but that's like the whole the whole package isn't there but um there are some people that i
think i see all the time and because they're so innocuous then they're like whatever for whatever
reason these people got famous and they're despite the the lead singer of uh oh soaring oh i'm
pretty sure that six of the lead singer of lcd sound system go to my gym like i've seen that
guy everywhere six is the name of the person who fronts no i'm saying like there's like six of him
oh there's okay i got it i've just got six different versions of the lead singer of LCD Sound System who all go to my gym
because that guy has such a
milquetoast look
what's his fucking name
I feel like there's
I think I would have a hard time recognizing
James Murphy
someone at a gym because it's so separate from the context
that I expect to see them in
it's sort of like
being at a festival and I'm like,
well, I think you might be Tegan,
but stand next to Sarah so I can be sure.
I'm not used to just seeing one of you.
Do you have, have you ever seen a famous person
at your gym before?
Oh, also an amendment to that question or a sub question.
Have you gotten recognized at your gym?
Uh, I don't.
Well, let me, let me get to the first question first, because the second question, uh, is
no.
Um, do you consider the actor Chris Lowell famous?
Let me look up Chris Lowell.
You know him.
Oh yeah, of course.
We know him from like Sketch and early crack stuff.
And he's friends of Ritanic, friends of ours.
He's had, and he's having a great career.
You see him pop up everywhere.
He was on Glow.
He's very funny.
He's very talented.
He used to go to our gym.
And if you think he is famous in the past, then yes, I saw a famous person at a gym.
But even that was like, I approached him.
He was like, hey, you're friends with Brian and Nick.
And we have hung out.
It's good to see you.
Goodbye.
Not, hey, you're on private practice or whatever show he was on.
Right.
I'm a huge fan.
Yeah, this is the guy that I owe to drink to for a very long time and refused to forget about it and
then sneakily bought him one so i could be like aha yeah debt repaid yeah people need to know
this was a matter of years a bunch of us were out at a bar and chris very generously got a shot for
everyone and we didn't even know about it until he was like on his way out the door it was just
like here's a gift for all of my pals at this table.
Goodbye.
And Soren doesn't like to be in debt to anyone.
What an awful thing to do to another human being.
And we weren't close enough to Chris that you could like Venmo him or call him up or anything like that.
So you just had to wait to be in his presence again.
And you waited years and kept this debt in your head.
I think I didn't even do it the same way.
I wasn't like, hey, shots for everyone.
Got you back.
I just bought him a drink and bought it.
And so this is for you.
This is repayment for when you bought us all drinks.
Our debt is paid now.
He was like, what?
So you understand this drink is, well, technically for you, is not for you.
It's for me.
Listen, you got me a shot six years ago and I've been mad ever since.
I can finally move on now.
Don't ever do that again.
So Mike White used to go to our gym.
You and I went to the same gym in Santa Monica for a long time.
Mike White used to work out there. He would come and train with a friend of ours there um and at the time
i didn't i'm always an idiot about this shit but at the time i was just like oh yeah that's an actor
i recognize him from stuff oh what stuff you say oh i don't know things but i didn't recognize him
as the writer of uh school of rock or obviously white lotus
didn't exist then but like he was clearly had a really successful career yeah and i just
didn't understand it yeah so obsessed with internet comedy instead
i think um bruce springsteen used to work out at my sister-in-law's gym.
What?
And I was like, what does he like?
And she was like, he works out and I work out.
How is that possible?
No.
I mean, I can't.
Imagine him.
Okay, imagine the boss doing pull-ups.
Or imagine the boss on a stair stepper.
I think we're all waiting for him we've all got our cameras out to fill him getting on a treadmill to fulfill the ultimate purpose of being
born to run and he's just not doing it what's a oh the that like groin exerciser that like chestnut cracker him on that machine just
doing the whatever thing yeah thigh tightener pumping up those inner thighs for the jeans
oh any exercise just the hit oh i'm so jealous i'm so jealous i want to see him doing anything
I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I want to see him doing anything.
I think it's good that you didn't talk to Mike White in the gym.
I think that you shouldn't bother anyone in the gym for any reason.
I think that's also the type of person that isn't like,
hey, I'm at the gym because I just want to keep this in tip-top shape.
That's somebody who's like, I need to make some changes in my life.
And I don't think that's the type of person that at their most vulnerable and for you to come up to them at their most vulnerable and be like,
hey, I like your stuff.
I don't think they would enjoy that.
No, that's someone who's like, it's March.
I got this membership as a New Year's resolution.
This is my second time I'm here.
Please don't talk to me. Please don't give me a reason not to come back here.
Yeah. Uh, so when we, back in the day of cracked, when we were like, our faces were fresh in the
minds of people who actually watched our show stuff. Yeah. And just fresh generally, just like,
just real, real sewn up. i would get recognized at gyms occasionally
people would just come up and they'd be like oh i like you're from cracked i love crack but as i've
gotten older and further away from that now i get people who like the other this happened like two
weeks ago where the guy was kind of like watching me in the gym and i was like doing this what is
going on and then he came to me he's like does anyone ever tell you that you look like soren from cracked wow i was like that's rough because
i know that i don't look enough like i used to that he was not like that wasn't his opener like
i hope it is him it was like man he just looks so much like him but he's just like haggard and a little bit worse yeah oh that is too bad yeah
that was rough um did i have a quick question for you if we're done with base wait what are
we saying final answer less claypool that was mine yeah do you have a one that's uh well no
i think flea is probably i still think flea fle, absolutely. As soon as you said that, I don't know why it didn't occur to me, but Flea is without
a doubt the most famous bassist.
Yeah.
All right, good.
I'm glad we got to the bottom of that.
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One at avast.com. Okay, Dan, I have a quick question for you shoot and i will uh answer this first see if time to
think about it but what is your what was the best most memorable movie going experience you've ever
had can you um you want to draw a line between best and most memorable which do you prefer
i i guess i want most memorable got it um'm going to give you two examples because one I just had, and it made me really appreciate.
Seeing a movie in the right context.
I went and saw Barbarian.
Now, I don't go to the movies, as you know.
No.
My strategy is to wait two and a half years.
And you understand there's like a weird omerta about this movie that
you're not allowed to tell anyone about it yes okay yeah and i can i can say what i'm about to
say without giving any spoilers away okay um i don't go to the movies because i have children and
and carving out two and a half hours where i'm off doing my own shit is such a big investment or two and a half.
I mean, that's like with driving and everything that it's just not, it's not worth it.
I can watch movies at night after my children go to bed in the comfort of my own living
room, but I can't go to the movies.
And I missed that experience and also COVID, you know, remember COVID, but I happen to
be on a work trip this past week and I knew that my flight wasn't until late on the last day and no one was
going to be around.
And I was like,
I am going to go see a movie.
I was in Las Vegas.
You saw,
you saw a movie in another state.
Yes.
Cool.
Yes.
I was in Las Vegas and I was like, all right, tomorrow morning, let's find showtimes anywhere in Las Vegas and I was like
alright tomorrow morning let's find Showtime
anywhere in Las Vegas for Barbarian
I also had heard such great things about Barbarian
that I was going to find it
so funny
I got two and a half hours to kill in Vegas
and I need to be entertained
what is there to do in this fucking town
well it turns out no one goes to the movies,
especially a matinee.
I had to go to North Vegas
for this one time of Barbarian that I wanted.
And as we're driving there,
the driver goes,
so where we're going?
He's looking at his map.
He's like, so where we're going?
There's not a lot around there.
And so I'm going to give you my phone number
so that when this is over, you can just call me and I'll come pick you up.
Like it was genuinely like worried for me.
And I was like, oh, fuck, where are we going?
And it just gets more and more desolate.
We head out into the desert of North Vegas.
And, you know, buildings are shut down.
Gas stations are closed.
And it looks like maybe this might be wrong.
Like I'm just taking us somewhere somewhere bad
and all of a sudden uh we crest the horizon and there's this giant cineplex out there that with
not a single car in the parking lot it looks like it's just shut down yeah the blazing sun and he's
like i'm gonna wait i'm gonna wait until you get inside he's just like I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait until you get inside. It's just like a date, like a really gentlemanly date.
And I open the door and I give him the thumbs up and he tentatively drives away.
And I go in and there's one person.
It's giant.
It's huge.
And there's one person there.
And she's over by the popcorn and she has to be like, walk all the way across the theater over to where you get tickets.
And it's not even like it's like a makeshift ticket booth because the real ticket booths are on the outside it's like one of those ones where
you just come up there's six different people waiting you give them your money yeah that's
all closed down she has to come into like a folding table and she's like what do you want
to see i'm like well can i still get into barbarian she's like oh yeah just it started
like two minutes ago and uh it's like ten dollars to get to this theater i go in i am the only person oh first of
all i thought she was joking when she showed me a map and she said where do you want to sit
and the theater it was like all the seats were available and i was like i don't know f3 she's
like okay and uh go into this theater and it's completely empty and the movie has is it's it
starts on a black screen the theater is completely
black and i'm like oh okay so i go and i sit down now you know just from the trailer of barbarian
that it's about a airbnb it's about an airbnb in a neighborhood in which the ever it's like a
there's nothing else around yeah i mean it's's pretty much dead. And it's in Detroit.
And so it's like all the houses around it are abandoned.
And I walk into a theater in the middle of nowhere
where everything seems weird and off
and there are red flags all over the place.
And I sit down in this theater by myself
to watch a movie about a horror movie
that takes place in a place
where someone is completely by themselves and it was like surreal it was strange being in that theater and just like i i was
constantly finding myself looking around because i was like this is a trap there's something is
wrong something is a hatch is going to open in the wall something's going to happen um but it really made the whole experience of watching barbarian
really enjoyable yeah that's that's very good that's very cool i'm very happy for you i'm
i'm a little preoccupied because i found myself very uh enthralled by
everything surrounding this movie where i only watched part of the trailer because they're
the theme surrounding this movie is don't tell anyone anything about it i find it so fascinating
the only reason that i because i wasn't even going to see the trailer i looked at the posters that
were showing up in my feed and i was reading enough tweets from people that i uh pay attention
to saying just like don't see the trailer,
don't read anything, go into this movie. And I only saw part of the trailer because
from the official 20th Century Studios YouTube account, you will find seven days ago a video
of theirs titled Justin Long's New Movie Official Trailer. And I thought, why would they,
is the movie called Justin Long's new movie?
and as soon as I clicked on it and realized it was barbarian I I
Left it I ran away from it because I didn't want to learn anything else and I think it's so
Cool that they're being so secretive about this that they that even
The fucking official Fox YouTube channel is on board and was like, no, let's not tell. Let's not give anything away about anything.
This is Justin Long's new movie, which I imagine is not going to be the most important part about this movie.
It's very charming.
It's very charming when not the movie is not charming.
It's very charming when like everyone works together to keep a very magical secret.
together to they keep a very magical secret yeah they were just talking about this on uh one of the only podcasts i listened to the flagrant ones uh where one of the hosts hayes davenport was saying
someone just described to me what like the thing is someone like oh and nick weiger his guests
wouldn't do it and i was like yeah hell yeah good keep them in the dark forever yeah absolutely i didn't know
beforehand in fact i know so joe chandler had a friend of the show yeah has a very good friend
who's associated with this film and so like i was asking him questions about it because i was like
digging around the imdb and i was like the names are weird what is this and he's like i'm not
telling you anything i'm not telling you anything i was like do you know are weird. What is this? And he's like, I'm not telling you anything. I'm not telling you anything. I was like, do you know? He's like, of course. And I was like, well,
what is going on here? Um, so yeah, I went and saw the secret movie in the middle of nowhere
and it was excellent. And coming out of it was, it was very surreal. It was just like
walking out into like the blazing sun of what should be las vegas but it's not like it's gone i'm in the
middle of the desert and i don't understand that the at one point i'm like well i should get some
food and i start walking over to this place called the nugget that's like a quarter mile away and
as i'm walking there all these children start walking the other direction from me when i say
children i mean like middle school age children like 11 years old are all walking the other direction from me when i say children being like middle school age children
like 11 years old are all walking the other direction and i was like where are you all
what is going on it's like the it's the this is not a school thing it's the middle of the day
where the is everyone and where are they coming from um it was awesome i loved it yeah
i the other what made me think of it too was that I had another one of these experiences with people from Cracked where one day we were at the office and out of the kindness of his heart or whatever, or he was struggling with something, Jack was like, hey, let's all go see a movie.
I'm like, okay.
Sure.
Yeah, that's right.
This was sort of a misguided Don Draper phase where he wanted to leave work to watch movies, but also like he couldn't go full Draper.
He wanted to share with the various Pete Campbells around him.
And so he invited us out to the movies and we all went and saw cabin in the woods which is in itself a
very surreal movie yeah but um while we were watching it i think i could spoil cabin in the
woods at this point right yeah sure okay so cabin in the woods the general premise is that uh you
there's a underworking of of uh how to explain this is like an umbrella corporation type of company that ensures that
some teens get stuck in the woods sometimes in these weird cabins and that they're murdered in
horrific ways to appease some old world gods who uh need that kind of evil to survive keeps them
asleep under the earth and this girl breaks the mold because she doesn't die when she's supposed
to and the gods are mad.
And so like we don't really see the gods.
We just know that this is a bad situation.
And all of a sudden, towards the end of the movie, we just like we know that they've awakened.
And this giant hand comes up and crushes the cabin.
And I didn't get to see that part the first time I watched the movie.
Because as soon as she breaks the mold and it becomes clear that there's no going back she throws jamie lee curtis who's the keeper of the gods oh
damn it sigourney weaver is the keeper of the gods or like the god whisperer and they throw her
into a pit and so it's clear like well these gods are coming for us now and when that happened the
the film goes out it goes to black, the lights come up in the theater
and a voice comes on over the speakers and says, everyone needs to exit the theater right now.
There is a fire. Wow. Like what? And so we all get up kind of wondering what is it? What kind
of viral marketing is this? And we walk outside and we come up this escalator.
And as we're going up the escalator,
there's a glass window next to us
and just plumes of gray black smoke against the glass
as we're going up this escalator.
Holy shit.
And everyone's like, should we be running?
Is this okay for us to just stand on an escalator
and leisurely go up it as we watch flames burn two feet away
and we get up
we get outside and it's pandemonium in the
promenade
great band name
it's nuts out there like there's fire
trucks everyone's huddled around
and this apartment complex that was part of
like attached to the theater just caught on
fire somebody's apartment caught on fire
and burned adjacent to the theater and so we never saw the ending and we were like
this it felt like there's too much of the movie in my real life all of a sudden that i can't tell
what's real anymore i had the the closest thing to to that like uh synchronicity this was not a movie theater experience but
I had gotten Barton Fink
on Netflix DVD the Coen
Brothers movie starring John Turturro
and I was just like
mowing through Coen Brothers
movies at this point in my life just one
at a time and I was watching this one
it's about a Broadway playwright named
Barton Fink who
takes a contract to go to Hollywood, California to be this like hotshot new screenwriter.
And he's like this very pretentious, very annoying guy.
It's a weird movie full of, as you can imagine with the Coen Brothers movie, idiosyncratic characters.
And he meets his weird elevator man.
He meets his weird neighbor.
He meets an idol of his and his idol secretary, Audrey Taylor.
And they talk about writing.
And he has a bunch of meetings with studios.
And he seems like he's struggling writing this thing.
At one point, he calls up Taylor, the secretary, to visit him at his hotel.
And they have sex.
And then I paused the movie.
I was like, I think I kind of got this.
And I went to sleep and lived a whole other day.
If you've seen the movie, you're already ahead of me at this point.
I decide to pick up the movie the next day.
And the scene immediately after those two having sex is he wakes up
and she has been murdered in his bed.
And I was like, oh, shit.
Okay.
I thought I got it.
I didn't get it.
There's a whole lot going on that I was not prepared for.
And if you know, the whole first chunk of the movie before that is really this strange, like, Hollywood satire type thing. And the second half is just what naturally follows
after a woman is murdered in these very bizarre circumstances.
And John Goodman may or may not be the devil.
It's a very bizarre movie,
and I couldn't have planned a better time to pause it and go to sleep.
a better time to pause it and go to sleep in high school we had a movie night sometimes on like fridays it was a it was a boarding school so they just had to keep the kids occupied in all their
free time you cannot give children free time or they get into trouble yeah they get destructive
and so they would do movie nights and we all like gathered around to watch from dust till dawn but it was at a time it's hard to explain this to some people i think now that movies just existed
that everyone would eventually see but that you knew nothing about somehow like you get to even
vhs and you wouldn't know anything about them and um we from dust till dawn was coming out
uh not coming out dust on Dawn was going to be played.
And two of my friends who were experimenting for the very first time with marijuana, smoked some weed.
And then we're like on campus just being like, oh, there's a movie.
Let's go see the movie.
And so they went into from Dust Till Dawn, which starts off as like an action thriller.
Dust Till Dawn, which starts off as like an action thriller.
There's a heist and then there's a family gets involved and then there's a lot of breasts at this bar and like my friends are going, they're like, they're into it.
They're like, this is the best movie I've ever seen.
George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino are these two thief brothers and there's like witty
dialogue and everyone's very cool.
It feels very home with the quentin tarantino type thing
absolutely yeah for some amount of time in the movie and then there's this turn where suddenly
they're locked into this bar of vampires and that's the rest of the movie and that's a big
chunk of the movie but they had no idea that was going to happen and so they're sitting there
watching this movie and you could just watch them freaking out.
Like, is everyone else seeing this?
Is this part of it?
Is this part of the weed?
The other one that sticks out as memorable
and it is very different from any of these
is I was in high school
and I was working at the movie theater and uh you got comp tickets for movies the night before they came out uh which was
a very exciting thing to do and and for a while they were giving you like unlimited comp tickets
so I was crazy with them and just giving them to as many of my friends as I could and there were
two misguided uh things
surrounding this one experience i was uh i had a high school girlfriend for gotta be less than a
month and i decided i was gonna take her on a date to one of these like midnight showings some
thursday night midnight thing before the movie comes out to the regular public i was gonna bring
her to it uh but also because i didn't really
know how dates worked i would bring like i'd roll deep with 70 seven of my bros as well so it was
like my girlfriend and and seven dudes and the movie because we don't get to pick what the movie
is it's just what's gonna come what's out the next day uh was Van Wilder, which is not a good date movie,
especially if you're like,
you're,
whenever I was a sophomore
or junior dating
a freshman or sophomore,
just two very sweet,
worthless virgins
seeing this movie
that has an extended scene
where they,
I mean, there's a running joke about how they're the main character's
dog has a giant nutsack and then there's a scene in the movie where they jerk off the dog
into a bunch of eclairs that they then feed the antagonists in the movie and i just have to sit
there uh with with seven of my bros loving it and then me
quietly sitting next to my quiet girlfriend and just everything that goes through the head of a
16 year old guy who's like man now she's gonna know that that I have balls now we all know what
what what jerking off is this is this is bad news this was this was not supposed to be a second date affair
what a leap to go from dog testicles to i'm sure she's now thinking of my balls yeah
yeah it is man it's such a rough place to be when you're with somebody brand new and like
some sort of you're like
reminded of the humiliating viscer of a human body but it's not even yours like it's just like yeah
somebody else in an elevator farts and you're with a girl and you're like you both know it's
not each other but you're like oh yeah we both do that yeah yeah i didn't want to remember that
right now right and i don't want it like especially at
that age i don't want to be like forward sexually or anything like that because because because
we're all so young and so when a character in van wilder is getting blown part of me is going to be
like can you believe some people are into that what are your thoughts i I went to leave.
My parents had a long track record of accidentally bringing me to really inappropriate movies when I was young.
And they brought me to see Leaving Las Vegas when it came out.
I told the story on the podcast before.
But like, yeah, if you're familiar with Leaving Las Vegas, like that's not a movie you bring a kid to.
And I remember this so vividly.
kid to and god i remember this so vividly right after the there's a rape scene in it um where then afterwards elizabeth shu sits in the shower and cries and as she's sitting in the shower crying
after like all that has happened in the denouement my mom turns to me she's like
do you understand what just happened there and And I was like, I don't.
I don't even want to be near you right now.
I absolutely do not want to explain to you
what just happened.
Man.
It's also,
if I remember correctly,
it's also anal rape in the movie,
which is like even somehow,
I mean,
a bad thing,
obviously in general,
but a really bad thing
to have to then say to your mom in a whisper so no one else in the theater hears it.
Yeah.
So they forcibly had sex with her in the butthole.
Like, I'm not going to do that.
And so it was just like me just cringing in my seat next to somebody being like, I want to be a million miles away from you right now.
Yeah.
Do you know what happened there?
You understand what happened there?
You understand what happened there.
That's a pretty cool thing.
Yeah.
I'm sure at the time you were mortified,
but that's a helpful head-on thing to address
if she's not sure what you're getting from this.
If you're just like,
why is that lady crying
now yeah i think why does she regret that looks like they're having a lot of fun right um yeah
it wasn't that it and also you know my mom was a sex ed teacher so she was very much like ever all
sex she was very forward about yeah but then that also can included like the emotional aspects of
sexuality as well.
And like making sure that you're prepared for the hose and understanding the
different ramifications of it. So yeah, she was just like,
that was a moment where she was like,
I want to make sure he gets what this is. Yeah. If he has to watch it,
which I don't think she wanted me to,
I want to make sure at least knows what's going on. So yeah, that's cool.
I guess in hindsight, but at the moment boy i i would
have i don't know if i could have folded myself up inside the chair and just stayed in theater
forever i would have done that unless she was hoping your answer would be no and then you could
be like me neither let's both stay in the dark should we get out of here get pizza? What a weird movie.
I find myself in these negotiations with my son right now
because he's at an age where,
you know,
he's hanging around older kids
and older kids are interested
in like the opposite sex all of a sudden.
Not all of them,
same sex,
but just like romantic relationships.
And when another parent had told me, Ronan asked uh we'll say her name is uh jenny ronan
asked jenny to be his girlfriend and she said yes a parent told me that and i was like what the fuck
no he didn't no yeah there's no way and so i went like checked in with him and i was like did she
did you do this and he goes no and i like, do you know what a girlfriend is?
And he goes, no.
And I was like, do I now have to explain this?
I wasn't ready to have this conversation yet.
And I don't want to have it.
But now I've introduced it.
Right, because then I'd be like, no, I don't know what a girlfriend is.
What is it?
Ah, it's none of your business.
You brought it up.
I was sitting here minding my own business.
It's very
cool it's a very cool thing but you can't know yet what yeah so but he was actually really when
i was just like okay well go play he was like okay and he just like let it go too he yeah there was
something in his brain also that was like whatever this is i'm not ready for it i don't think yeah
which was really nice um but yeah dan i went to
las vegas with my work it was so much fun oh yeah such a treat do you know how was a top golf
yes how did you know i went to top golf do you want me to tell you how i know you went to top
golf yeah i don't know if this will embarrass you or not your co-worker took a video of your swing
to send to me so we could both be mad about how good it was.
For you, a person who doesn't spend too much time trying to be good at golf, but just naturally is.
He just sent me a video.
And we don't text a lot.
But he was like, look at this shit.
And I was like, that son of a bitch.
What an asshole.
son of a bitch what an asshole i we i so we got there and like i was like i haven't played golf in a long time
i'm gonna be rusty and like i went and started hitting this this three wood and everyone's just
sort of sitting around chatting and everything i just start crushing balls with this three wood
like i'm not even aiming for the there's pins out there like there's points you can score by getting
close to these pins i'm not doing that anymore now i'm just gonna see if i can send a ball into
orbit like i'm just gonna try and crush this thing into uh utah and it was with a three-wood i didn't
even like get to the driver yet it was like fighting in those movies where you see like a
guy fighting with his sword is that the sword is still sheathed you're like
oh fuck at some point that's coming out it's gonna be worse i was getting these balls the
three when i was like somebody's gotta be seeing this this is amazing yeah apparently somebody did
that's great yeah people were seeing it and and uh i wish i still had your brother's number so i could text him too i want
this vast network of people just mad about how good you are at things uh that uh that's good
i feel very seen good thanks um yeah we did top golf it was good uh top golf was very fun and
then yeah we went out to great restaurants i gamb gambled a bunch. And I love gambling, it turns out. And then we went to a club and I hated that and realized that that's not my scene anymore at all. I don't know that. Actually, no, it never was my scene. It reminded me that I was never good at this.
No.
That I remember going to
clubs when I was younger thinking that's, this is what humans do. And this is important. I think
even when I was younger, I was, I was, I said those same words, but was very resigned about it.
I was like, this is something everyone's got to do. I guess this is, this is, you know, I, I gotta,
I have to go to clubs because, because what if I have to do it for work at some point?
I better learn how to like oysters
because that's what they do at lunch meetings
in movies from the past.
Just like I got to just like put my head down
and do this thing knowing that, you know,
it's going to clubs is broccoli.
Yeah, you're trying to like convince yourself it's fun.
I never enjoyed i was i was
always so deeply uncomfortable in a club um did the rest of your cohort were people happy there
no judgment if they like shitty things but were they happy some of them were and some of them
i mean it's not like they were they didn't take to like a fish to water they didn't just like jump
in and then like we didn't see them again.
Cause they were off raving with other people.
They,
everybody got there.
We were all feeling a little strange,
but then some of them really adapted nicely and also just felt very
comfortable in their own skin.
Like they just,
we all had a table and they would just get up and dance every once in a
while.
And I was like,
what the heck?
What?
How are you doing that?
Just not understanding.
Just being so self-aware in this area where I don't know anybody.
Everybody there looks like, yeah, this is just what we do.
This is the fun thing.
Yeah.
And me being like, somebody sit down and explain to me how it's fun.
Right.
Somebody tell me because I'm not getting it.
You guys understand.
We don't have to dance anymore, right?
We're past all that.
Also, this is not even fun to dance to.
This is just like a heartbeat that we're listening to a deep, deep heartbeat.
This isn't, it's not good.
What are we getting out of this everybody?
Um, but yeah, I, I, that part I didn't enjoy, but I, I, I just didn't understand it.
Also, it just felt like there was all kinds of fun stuff beyond that, that if I just left the club, I could, I don't know, go see a movie.
It's very serendipitous timing.
I also had a fun weekend.
I had a house guest, and she and I golfing. She just at the driving range. She golfs twice a year maybe.
And she just fucking wiped the floor with me at the driving range and was very patient,
but was also made it very clear to me later as I was struggling to parallel park that
she also watched me be bad at golf.
It was like, she didn't say a word about it until I was having it until I was like, I'm
really self-conscious parallel parking with someone in the car.
This, this, this always drives me nuts.
And she was like, you shouldn't be self-conscious about that.
I've already seen you golf.
Like, holy shit.
That's what incinerating.
This is devastating.
And then I think it was like hours later that your coworker sent me a video of you golfing.
And I was like, okay. I'm selling the clubs.
I got it.
I don't.
It's not for me.
But I had a, you know, I've got a long history of working on golf courses.
That's true.
That's like who I was for a little while.
I was golf guy for a little while.
That's right.
Not in a capacity where I was like training or teaching anyone.
I was doing the shit work.
I was like mowing approaches and riding around and cleaning carts and stuff.
But I still like you pick up a bunch of stuff there.
Which doesn't make you a better player.
No.
I mean, it doesn't make most people a better player.
But you pick up so much from that.
And you get to just play it.
It's slow and you're near a hole.
You can sometimes be like, all right, well, there's a ball right here we just let's just go hit some yeah
and you figure it out along the way so i had like back work that had been done this was like
practiced work that then i was just re-accessing that's true and and young enough that lessons
uh they stick found a purchase more easily. Yeah.
Yeah, so I don't feel bad about that.
While we were sitting there, one of my coworkers who I didn't know very well, I haven't really seen her in person more than twice.
I was talking to her a little bit, and I was like, does your family golf?
She was like, no, not at all.
And I was like, what are their sports?
Like, what are your sports, Graham?
She's like, we don't really have sports.
And I was like, I don't understand that.
And then the conversation stopped.
But then she came back to me later.
She's like, you know what?
I thought about it.
We did do, there was a sport that we all played and that we played a lot and it was tennis.
And I was like, this moment washed over me
where I realized I've never played a game of tennis
in my entire life, a true game of tennis in my entire life a true game of
tennis i think i fucked around on a court once but i wasn't i've never played like a full game i
don't even totally understand how to keep score i think we we we certainly played in high school
but that's like there's maybe four courts and you're in a gym class so you're playing you're not playing a full game
you're certainly not playing however many matches there are supposed to be in like
i i i also haven't played tennis to completion uh but i i've i've played and lost i think like like
enough points had changed hands that i had lost. Yeah. I guess like,
I would assume it's like ping pong,
but bigger.
That can't be right.
No,
it's close enough,
but you've never even like,
I've swung a racket.
I mean,
yeah,
I believe that,
but you've never like been with a friend who was like,
Oh,
let's go.
Let's just play tennis for never,
never in my life.
Okay.
No,
nobody stood on the other side in my life okay no nobody stood
on the other side i mean no one stood on the other side and we were like we're going to play a
structured game yeah i've i've been with other friends we're like we we happened upon tennis
rackets or whatever and we're like let's just hit it to each other yeah or certainly i've done that
on like vacation but no no understanding of the game at all and it was as soon as she said that
i was like damn i thought I played everything.
I thought I knew every sport there was and that I had at least dabbled in them.
But even like lacrosse, like things like.
Yeah.
Lacrosse, which they don't have everywhere.
I don't think they do.
I don't think they had lacrosse.
Or high lie.
I played a high lie.
Yeah.
You're not supposed to. Crazy weird game. I've never had lacrosse. Or high lie. I've played a high lie. Yeah, you're not supposed to.
Crazy weird game.
I've never played lacrosse.
And field hockey I've played.
But like, yeah.
I'm sorry, I've never played tennis.
And so it was so startling when she said that.
I was like, that's such a, it's like a vanilla sport.
It's totally standard.
It's like, never done it.
Well, there's still time, buddy.
Well, I guess so.
What if my son likes tennis?
Then you'll probably be naturally good at it and you'll teach him.
I don't know.
Couple years from now when your son is sending me videos of you doing a perfect spike and he's like look at this asshole you and my son are
sitting at wimbledon together yeah invited you he got really good fast
uh all right well we can be done with this show now yeah the show is quick question but most of
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You can donate to us if you'd like to.
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So you can donate to me. You can find links to that in my Twitter.
That's all the things I have to say.
I've got nothing.
Except I enjoyed talking to you. I had a great time talking to you buddy
alright talk to you later bye
I've got a quick quick question for you
alright I wanna hear your thoughts
I wanna know what's on your mind
I've got a quick quick
question for you
alright the answer's not important
I'm just glad that we could talk tonight
so what's your favorite who did you get
oh forget it
two best friends and comedy writers if there's an answer they're gonna find it
i think you'll have a great time If there's an answer they're gonna find it
I think you'll have a great time here
I think you'll have a great time here