Regulation Podcast - A Bunch of Toilet Stories // The First F**kface App [46]

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Jon Voight style blood, Andrew's bathroom snack, and Geoff's pink porta potty. Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail]. Sponsored by: Honey (http://joinhoney.com/face), Quip (http://getquip.com/face), and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/12face + code 12face). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hang on one sec, I'll be 20 seconds. From Mississippi to Mississippi. Keep going. Mississippi. Keep going. Mississippi. Keep counting. Mississippi.

Yep. Six Mississippi. 19 Mississippi. 20 Mississippi. 21 Mississippi. Am I recording? Mississippi. 22 Mississippi. Yeah, I Mississippi, 22 Mississippi, 23 Mississippi. Why'd you go beyond 20? I was back at 20. You were back at 20!

I was back! When? At 20! You didn't say anything! I thought you'd stopped counting! How am I supposed to know you're back? When they start a race, they don't go 3, 2, 1, 0, minus 1, minus 2. People just go!

Typically, when they start a race the people are in the race or in front of each other and they can see each other yeah but they don't do races over the internet if you if you could see me in real life you'd know that i was there waiting to race if i could see you in real life i would be dis a fucking pointed because i facetimed with you earlier today and you had a ponytail what am i gonna just have hair in front of my eyes? Yes. Or cut your dirty, stringy hair, Gavin. It's very clean, actually. That's fair. Ponytail. We went places.

I wash my hair every day, and I got told that you're not supposed to do that. With human shampoo? I think it depends on your hair, actually. Some people are supposed to. Most people not. I've always just done everything every day. Seems like the easiest schedule. Same here, buddy.

Start at the top, work your way down. First thing in the morning, done. Rinse, repeat every day until you die. Which episode is this? This is episode 46 of F*** Face, a podcast about you two idiots doing dumb stuff. And I watch. Eric said washing your hair every day is too much.

Oh, so you're one of them all right it's not it's not it depends on who you are if you're if you're a greasy greasy headed person like me you gotta wash it every day how often should you wash is it just literally but like how often do you wash your hair uh typically every other day or every third day i rinse it okay every two or three days okay wash, wash, don't always use. That seems like a lot, three days. I'm not like a super greasy guy, you know? I'm not like Jeff. I will say my girlfriend doesn't wash her hair every day, but I think that's common with women with lots of hair

because it's like a two-hour process. It's like a whole fucking thing. Just to clarify, when we say wash, we mean use product, not like you're not showering for three days. I'll be honest, if I'm ever in the shower, I'm never going to not do my hair. Yeah, I've never rinsed off without soap. You know what I mean?

When you say, oh, I'm going to go rinse off, I guess maybe if you leave the ocean and then you go through the sand and then you want to rinse off on that little thing to get the sand off before you get in your car. But in terms of hopping into a shower to rinse off, I've never been in a shower and not taken a full shower in my life. I don't know how you take a half shower in your actual shower.

What would the context even be for that? I guess you just run the water through your hair, is what Eric's saying. Okay. Is that a half shower? I still feel like that's a full shower. I don't know. I feel like there are terms,

there are classifications for this that are confusing. While we're early in this episode, are we going to mention what you told me about in the week, or is that too much information for this podcast? Oh, I don't know. I didn't plan on bringing that up. It's kind of an uneventful thing. Would you call it eventful? I don't think it would be eventful.

I don't think it's eventful. I think it's very eventful. Really? I don't think it's eventful. Are we talking about the same thing? I don't know what else we would be eventful i don't think i think it's very eventful really i don't think it's eventful are we talking about the same thing i don't know what else we would be talking about are we talking about the same thing how about andrew doesn't think it's eventful gavin does why don't you uh let me decide i'll be the tiebreaker should we say what the thing is on three to make sure we're both talking about the same thing no i feel like there's no way we're not

talking about the same thing we can if you want to there's no way we're not talking about the same thing. We can if you want to. Do we do it? Who wants to do the countdown? Are we? Okay, Jeff, stop that. Do a countdown. Stop at the count. Don't just keep counting.

Stop at the. Stop at. After one, we'll say it, and then you can stop counting. I don't think this is a fun story, Gavin. Okay. Three, two, one. I was shitting blood. Negative one.

Yeah, I don't think that's a fun story Well here's the reason why Okay so we should only talk about it if you want to But when you were telling me on text I'm pretty sure That you'd done this exact same thing Last time you rolled your ankle No I didn't No?

No this has never happened before that's why it was eventful i thought that last time you rolled your ankle you were od'ing on the the painkillers and you had like an anal fissure of some sort no never happened what's going on with your butt dude jeff didn't he say that he had an anal fissure because he was no no no no no no no no no no i think this is where the confusion was, and we're gonna... Nick's about to chime in. He said he had something akin to that. Listen,

Nick is the arbiter. He knows. What happened is when I take one of the types of pills, I stop shitting, and so everything hardens up. And I took the hardest, like, whitest shit I've ever taken, and it was like icy hot was on my asshole for like hours

and at first it was nice it was like kind of this cool feel it yeah I didn't there was no like fissure I just it was too much it was like I squeezed something through that was too big and it fucked my asshole up for an evening it wasn't fun but what happened this time there was no fissure

I just I was shitting blood for a few days and why was that because i took too much ibuprofen why do you always take your first thing to do whenever you roll an ankle you pull your back while sitting this was a bad one you just take like no no no you you eat ibuprofen like it's like they're skittles no i was following the recommended thing the only thing i cut corners on was it said always take with a meal and i didn't always have a meal when i was taking it the first time i took it i read the bottle it said take with a meal i had sour patch kids cherry blasters was the only thing around me i was like i guess this is a meal i had a few of those it's like the time where you were trying to cleanse your palate with water, but you only had Gatorade.

Yeah, sure. So I don't, no offense, but if you're taking, if you're taking ibuprofen, is it ibuprofen you said? If you take an ibuprofen at the recommended prescribed dosage, either by the doctor or on the bottle, taking it on an empty stomach isn't going to make your asshole shoot blood out. It's just going to give you a tummy ache, maybe. I don't think that's where, I don't think that's what, I don't think it's like, eat on a full stomach or anal leakage will occur. And I don't think the Sour Patch Kids caused it either.

I think that that might be something you want to seek medical professional help for. We're all good now. It's fine now. Everything's good. It was just like two days nothing sounds good the thing that that worried me was that you were asking me if i'd ever shit blood and i was like you know it's happened it's happened a few times i've never done that i've died i had like a inflamed something at one point that's fucking gross that's when i had to put that wax pill up my ass and it shot out but then andrew was like i've he texted me he's like

you ever done that i was texted me he's like you ever done that i was like yeah he's like i just stopped shitting blood for three days i was like oh my god why did you tell me after three days like what what if you just dropped dead tell me at the beginning of you shitting blood so i can keep an eye on you or wait till the podcast if you're gonna wait till after it's over at least wait till the podcast so you can get maximum effect. I didn't plan on bringing it up on the podcast. Well, apparently Gavin did it. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I didn't I didn't know when it would end. I wasn't sure there was a possibility of like it could have went a few different ways. And I felt the story had ended. So I felt comfortable talking about it at that point. Fucking whole thing going on over here. Well, you got some dog shit. Well, Henry gets excited when it's time to record the podcast i've i've learned that he thinks it's his job also uh and what he started doing is when i'm recording i swear to christ when i start recording the podcast

he goes and he finds a squeaky toy and then he brings it in and sits next to me and squeaks right and uh and so i hid all the fucking squeaky toys today because I thought about it ahead of time. And then I made sure Henry was taking a nap. And right as we were starting, Henry sneaks in with one of the sneaky squeaky toys I found. And then he goes over and he just drops it at me like, is it OK? And so I picked it up and I put it on the thing. And then he just stared at it the whole time while Andrew was telling telling his butt story looked like he was crying so i dropped it down on him and he jumped on it and knocked the table over how did he get that i hit anyway what was

really alarming about the the only like why i didn't say also it was really it was like it was bad it was not bad but it was bad you don't expect to see blood when you wipe your ass jeff you will i hope not have this experience yeah so let me ask you a question all right because i want to understand what blood means right because i just told gavin uh that i've never bled from my anus and i definitely think that he's gross but uh i want to emphasize that but uh i have like wiped too hard where you get a little bit of pink, where you're like, oh, I rubbed my asshole too hard. Maybe I scrubbed some surface-level blood out.

Ran out of toilet paper. Yeah. Is there blood? Is it coming out of your little hole? No. I described it. First of all all I didn't realize it had happened until after

the act was done and I was going in for the wipe I described it to Gavin as is like the scene when John Voight gets shot on the bridge and missing a mission impossible and you just look down at his hands they're covered in blood the whole sheet was just red I was like that is not this

isn't good and i didn't anticipate this and uh yeah they falls over the yeah that is the immediate image that went my head i was just shocked to see this red sheet it's the most surprising thing in the world it's absolutely like a dreadful sight i'm surprised that you've never had that jeff because you've got all kinds of cloggage in your ass like i said i have definitely wiped my wiped so hard that there's been like pink streaks but i've never seen blood blood anywhere near my butthole even like from the colonoscopy and all my butthole diseases and stuff i don't think i've ever i mean i've had some weird stuff come out you know from like the medicines and stuff they

take it was never it was never blood it was like my it was like my asshole was like an alleyway that murders kept happening on like twice a day like i couldn't tell the difference but then i just like you'd review you just like sweep the area just be blood filled it was no good so when you look down and saw just i assume blood soaked paper what what did you say anything out loud or were you just like oh i immediately went john voight was the first thing i thought and then i was just panic every time not really panic was like that was weird hope that doesn't happen again, and then it happened again the next day was like I need to look into this and Connect you did you did look at it? I did I'm surprised cuz usually you're an unverified wiper. We've established this

You're a vertical unverified wiper. Yeah, I mean when it's bright red it catches your eye What is the like the sheet changes to a color unexpected i just don't want it to be one of those things where we think you're okay and then like in episode 75 you're like yeah you mentioned the time you had to get like a third of your colon removed or something oh yeah i remember that time i was uh yeah it turns out i had i had to get like i had to get like six feet of colon taken out. No, I'm going to get it checked out. OK, I'm going to.

Yeah, I'm going to get checked out, but I'm good. OK, good. I have a few. I have another toilet story. Jeff knows about this. Gavin doesn't. This is something I was going to talk about as toilet related. I had I experienced I think I took maybe the saddest image anyone has ever taken.

Gavin historically said just a disappointing photo. Are you going to post it? Yeah, I'll share it. I'll get there. We got to build to it. Saturday night. Saturday night. This is going to be great.

I'm going to relax. I'm going to have a great time. I bought two cupcakes from my favorite cupcake place in town. Two of them. My favorite flavor. This is going to be... What a time. What a treat. I grabbed the cupcakes. Andrew,

before you continue, I just have to say I think it says a lot about the nature of the friendship you have with Gavin, the information you choose to share with him on a Saturday night, and our friendship, the information you choose to share with me on a Saturday night. I have no idea what that means but you are definitely having two different

conversations with your friends which one is the better friendship do you think jeff i listen to find out well i i didn't i don't know why i feel like gavin is the butt blood guy for some reason of my head you did say right you did say um name something worse to drop than a cupcake so i assumed you dropped one. So I get my cupcakes. I put both of them in a bowl. What I like to do is I put them in a bowl. I mix them all up. I eat them with a spoon like a cake.

I know. I know. It's delicious. He makes cupcake soup. It's fucking delicious. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hear me out, okay? There's a reason for this. I need the bowl. If I'm not doing this,'s a reason for this i need the bowl if i'm not doing this i'm not gonna eat in the bowl but what i was gonna do is i put it in the bowl i mix it all up and then i'm gonna have a bath and i'm gonna eat the cupcakes in a bath with a spoon

it's gonna be so relaxing this is my saturday night i'm gonna unwind. You can't keep saying these insane things and then just keep going like it's normal. What are you on about? What's the problem? The bowl wasn't big enough, like it barely fit the two, but it was like, whatever, this is gonna be a great night. So I get them in the bowl. I go to my bathroom

my toilet is level with my bathtub perfectly to the point where it's like a table it's like a little table so if i'm gonna eat i have a little drink or snack in there i'll put the glass or the bowl on top of the toilet seat it's perfect it's like oh it's wonderful incredibly unhygienic it gets dumber no it's not no it's how is itienic. It gets dumber. No, it's not. No, it's... How is it... First of all, how is it? Because it's in a container. There's poo in the air! There's poo everywhere, Gavin.

We live in a filthy society. That's always your excuse. All your excuses. There's poo everywhere in every room. But there's loads of poo in the toilet. It's everywhere in there. It's on the lid. I put it in a bowl.

I put the bowl on the lid. It's in its own contained thing. Everything's fine. That's not the lid. I put in a bowl. I put the bowl on the lid. It's in its own contained thing. Everything's fine That's not the issue Gavin. The problem Gavin is that my toilet is broken it exploded The lid is off. It's on the floor in the corner the seat that you sit on is also loose I need like I can fix all these things, but it takes a moment to fix I need to like re-bolt everything down. I don't feel like things, but it takes a moment to fix. I need to like rebolt everything down. I don't feel like doing this. This is a relaxing cupcake time.

I'm also going to be in there for a little bit. He knew it. He knew it was broken going in. He's done this before, Gavin. So he knew the dangers. He has no one to blame but himself here. And I guarantee you the cleanup took longer than it would have to fix that fucking toilet seat no okay so this is i also forgot to mention i'm gonna

be there for a while so i'm bringing in a few items i'm bringing in my phone i'm bringing in my tablet and i'm bringing in my xbox headset because i just want to listen to stuff if i want to isolated so these are my items i got my cupcake bowl my tablet my phone and my headset someone please draw this for us andrew in the bathtub with his cupcake i'm just imagining andrew and still image one xbox headset one foot in the bath with just his arms wrapped around all these items trying to step into the bath slipping over sushi on the floor, cupcake in the bowl, in the toilet, keyboard in the bed going, come back to bed, honey.

My headset looks like one of those helicopter, like, pilot headsets. It's a big thing, dude. So it's not, this isn't easy to move. So I get, I put, so I can't fix the toilet. So what I do is I stack the lid on top of the seat and like a cross formation. And I figure like that'll be good.

That's fine. This will be level. Nothing. Nothing's going to move. I place the cupcake bowl on the toilet. It's fine. Nothing happens. It's perfectly balanced.

I climb into the bathtub. I run the water halfway. I grab my tablet from the top of the toilet, move it to the side of the tub. I then grab my headset and I try to place it on the little piece, the little ceramic spot between where like the lid and the tank is. You know what I mean? That little area that's just like blank.

It's for like where the lid to go up to. So on the top of the tank? No, no, no. On the lid level, like seat level, there's a ceramic spot that's intended for like the base of the lid for it to go up to so on the top of the tank no no no on the lid level like seat level there's a ceramic

spot that's intended for like the base of the lid for it to go like where all the piss splash lands sure like a level spot yeah if you like where the butt dust and hair goes yeah whatever that's the spot i place the headset on there for a moment oh my god this creates momentum the lid the lid starts slowly rolling down the front of the toilet the seat is also just wiggling all around i can't do anything i'm put in a very stressful position gavin i need to decide. It is. I have a choice to make. I can either drop my Xbox headset in the toilet and save my cupcakes. Or I can let the cupcakes fall. I had to make a choice.

I'm going to put this in the chat. This is the saddest photo I've ever taken Bowl down icing down Absolutely ginormous bowl. I like the bowl wasn't big enough No, it's it's very like the shape of it is like it's not cakes the size of your head. No, it's no that's deceiving It's like a vase. No, it's not It's an eight gallon bowl I'm telling you that of cake the shape of cupcakes it doesn't fit well it it barely fit the two

The size of a fishbowl. It's not a bowl cake Well, it's it you know it's good for the mixing it's like the shape of it it stays in the middle but it fell so now that you've heard that story gav what do you think who who's got the better deal between you and i oh i don't know that but that is an infuriating story because every week I'm here saying, I'm imagining you living in a filthy, disgusting mess. And every week you tell me, no, it's fine. It's very, you know, there's a lot of cleanliness going on.

Load of old shit, Andrew. I don't even know where to start with some of these things. Dude, you want to know something even sadder real fast before we do that? When Andrew sent me this story or told me the story my girlfriend and i got on uber eats and we scoured vancouver island for cupcakes to send to them as a replacement cupcake there was no option available from like saturday to i want to say like tuesday or wednesday they were like all the cupcake places are shut the fuck down right now that's a great point that jeff makes jeff suggested go get some new cupcakes.

I thought, you know what? I could get I could do that. Possibly. It's only seven o'clock. It's probably closed, but I'll check. I looked them up. They closed at four on Saturday. They would not open again until Wednesday afternoon.

I was the furthest point from getting new cupcakes, essentially from this place. Dreadful. The worst time for this accident to happen. Well, it's landed face down perfectly, it seems. But if you lifted the bowl up, would the top of that pile be edible? Well, here's the thing, Gavin. I was in the tub. It was half filled with water.

I just looked at it. I took the photo. And I thought, I'm not capable of dealing with this at this time. That bowl laid like it did for the next two hours. It just stayed there. Took the photo and I thought I I'm not capable of dealing with this at this time. That bowl laid like it did for the next two hours. It just stayed there. Two hour down bowl. I got out of the tub.

I did everything else first before I dealt with the bowl. Is the bowl fine? Yeah, the bowl's fine. Bowl had no issue. No, no chips, nothing. It's all bowl is all good. Bowl is great. It's all bowl is all good. Bowl is great. It luckily landed.

If you notice, it landed largely on the towel. So it was very easy to pick up. It didn't really stick. I don't know if the two hours like re hardened, like it's separated, like the icing on the towel divided from the thing. It was a very clean, easy cleanup to do. Oh, dude, Today's Wednesday. It is Wednesday. Are you gonna get replacement cupcakes? Oh, shit.

That's a great point. I didn't even consider that. I should. I'll do that after we record. You've got three hours before they close, right? Yeah. You gotta get to it. Yeah, no, we're fine. I'll get three hours. Now, the question, did I eat the cupcakes is the big question. I don't think you did. Did you? You don't think I did? Gavin, what do you think? Oh, you certainly did, yeah. Oh, I I eat the cupcakes is the big question. I don't think you did. Did you?

You don't think I did? Gavin, what do you think? Oh, you certainly did. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. The cupcakes. Yeah. You cut the top off and you ate the underneath of the top.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got rid of the icing. You ate a two hour old floor cupcake. Bathroom floor cupcake. Bathroom floor cupcake. And you took the icing off, which is the best part.

It didn't really land on the floor it landed on a towel a towel on a bathroom floor is no cleaner than the floor well here's the thing it was a hand towel i'm not a hand towel guy i don't really use hand towels can we have a i'm not a blank guy socks hand towels meatballs jesus need that the full list so i had to do like a whole thing of like well where did that hand towel come from and what did i didn't really think about it till after i cleaned up i think soap with that hand towel i think that was a soap you i knocked over a soap dispenser and the soap spilled everywhere and I think I used that to collect the soap. I believe. You knock stuff... I just need to... I want to live with you for a month just to watch. I'll be completely unintrusive.

I'll just sit in the corner. I just want to watch. Yeah. To clarify, Gavin, the soap dispenser fell when I also knocked down the sushi lid that eventually took me out. It was all part of the same collapse. This was not several collapses. This was one act.

Was that different to the cabinet? The cabinet. Which one was the cabinet? I don't know. That was the cabinet that was knocked over before. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was causing a shimmy.

That would have been... No, yeah, that was a different time. The cabinet was a different time. Okay. But those are the two main ones. I will say, Gav, both of our stories were toilet-centric, at least. Mm-hmm.

Well, it's because he lives in there. He has everything he needs in the bathroom. How are any stories supposed to happen anywhere else? I don't have a waffle maker on my end table anymore. That's a good thing, right? I moved it to the kitchen. I've got two. I've got one in my closet, unopened, and I have one in my kitchen now.

How the fuck are you going to make waffles now? Are you going to go all the way to your kitchen? I know. I've got to go all the way. I've got two. I've got one in my closet, unopened, and I have one in my kitchen now. How the fuck are you going to make waffles now? You're going to go all the way to your kitchen and make waffles? I know, I've got to go all Yeah, I know. I'm a ridiculous human being It was, somebody on the subreddit created like a list of information regarding my room, and like trying to piece together like a scene, like it was a crime scene, just based on what was said

and one of the things was mentioning that I have Pam on the table, and I was like, that's ridiculous Oh no, I still do, it's still there The Pam is still there. I have Pam on the table. And I was like, that's ridiculous. Oh, no, I still do. It's still there. The Pam is still there. I don't have the waffle maker, but I still have a Pam container. But the Keurig is still in there? Oh, Keurig is still in there.

Yeah. Yeah, Keurig is still doing good. It's great. Insane. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout?

Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply do you guys ever do you guys ever do like dumb little things where with technology that you don't like like just i don't know how to describe it. I did the dumbest little thing this morning and I'm still embarrassed about it and kind of mad at myself for it. And I don't I don't know what to do about it.

Earlier today, I was on my cell phone and I was reading Reddit. I was reading like a, you know, like a story off of Reddit or the comments of a story off of Reddit. And you know how like on an iPhone, the like a email alert will come down, it'll swipe down from the top.

And when it swiped down, it covered half of what I was reading. And I just out of the blue without thinking at all, just my natural reaction was try to blow it away. And I did. I went and tried to blow away the email alert on my fucking phone. No.

Have you ever done anything like that? No, I've never blown at my phone. I can't believe I did it. What do you think, a relief? I don't know. No, it was in my way, and I tried to blow it out of the wind. Oh, that's going to be a feature. They could add that. If the mic detects like the gust of air it should blow the notifications it's brilliant right it's way better

my stupidity should be an app the the fuck off app get rid of shit when you're trying to read fucking patented face app first face app right there the f*** off app get out my f***ing screen I'm trying to read how's it going to be an app though you have to open the app to blow on it I don't know you just open the app and it runs in the background anything I don't know that is incredibly stupid

Jeff I have one that's not that it's also cupcake related oh I'd love to hear it it's like equally dumb i had the cupcake photo on my tablet and my phone was in front of my tablet i just woke up i was gonna take a photo on my phone and so when i opened the photo app it immediately just was the cupcake photo and i was very confused how my phone was able to see what was happening in my bathroom i was spooked by this for a good second and then i was like what is going on how's my phone was able to see what was happening in my bathroom. I was spooked by this for a good second.

And then I was like, what is going on? How's my phone camera in the bathroom? And I moved my phone camera like a little bit, and it was still just like different bathroom, like it expanded because it was zoomed in on the pole. I was like, what's going on? I realized I'm an idiot. I just have that photo open on my tablet, and that's what I'm looking at through my phone.

Is this podcast as a weekly event in our lives making us way dumber I don't think it's making us dumber I think it's just calling attention to something that's naturally happening in our lives it's documenting our dumb yeah that's the thing I have documenting the decline Andrew I do have to ask yeah what is better about a mashed up bowl of cupcake than eating a cupcake? It's just, it's like, the spoon is nice. And like, if you get a premium cupcake, you know, like there's stuff on the end. It's not just like all, what would you call the material? Cake, I guess, obviously.

It's not all just pure cake. There's like, there's filling in it. You just mix it all up. It's good. That's a Black Forest cupcake. You got some cherry in the center. It's kind of spread it around. It's great. You know what I just realized? What?

What's that? We're 30 something minutes into this fucking podcast today and we've spent the entire time talking about bathrooms and toilets and shit going on in bathrooms and nobody has asked at any point about the stupid porta potty that I was threatened with.

Oh yeah, what's the latest? If I've received it or not. Any of that nonsense. Which, by the way, the audience was like, is Andrew really shitting on Jeff for salad dressing a fucking bit right now? Eat the pencil, Andrew. And I was like, oh yeah, that's a good point, audience.

Thank you. There's two, I mean, there's a difference between eating a pencil and a 999 gift there's there those are two different things you've not asked at any point did i did i receive the port-a-potty is it did you receive the port-a-potty is it well tell me about the port-a-potty jeff i will say before you do quickly i got panicky and thought you redirected it and i was like fuck how can i because you did on the call you changed the address so i went back into your recording and i analyzed to make sure all was good i was you you listened

to jeff's raw audio from last i listened to jeff's raw audio for when he gave the person the address to confirm how about. How about this? How about this? Shit. Here. You guys keep talking for a second. I'll be back. Okay.

It's a good point, though, because Jeff was dodging this content, but at no point did he take anyone to court and hire lawyers over it. So it's maybe considered less of a content dodge than the pencil. I mean, I feel like you're just explaining content. That was all content that came from that. If I just ate the pencil, that content feel like you're just explaining content that was all content that came from that if i just ate the pencil that content doesn't exist what do you mean that's

that's content well no i'm saying there's more content made from not taking it than if i would have just ate the pencil that would have been boring people love yelling at me about eating the pencil it's true and i guess i mean after what you did with the salad cream it probably would have been i still don't understand what was did with the salad cream, it probably would have been as frustrating. I still don't understand what was wrong with the salad cream. I feel like I lived up to what was requested. I confirm that it's decent. Do you really understand what you did with the salad cream?

You made a salad that doesn't exist that we can't... I can't get into it again. Okay. Alright. Can you guys hear me? Yes. Yes, we can hear you. How do I sound? It sounds a bit echoey, Jeff. Well, that's because I'm now recording

from inside the port-a-potty. I'm imagining a still image of the front of your house with muffled speech coming out of a pink port-a-potty. Is it on the drive? Yeah. It's where my girlfriend parks.

I gotta be honest with you. I hate to admit it. Wow, yeah, it sounds like shit. But it's kind of growing on me in here. It's pretty spacious. It's a nice color pink. It's very clean. It's still got the plastic on.

Can you take a selfie in there? Hold on a second. I'm sending you guys a photo right now. Then I'll take a selfie. It's just taking forever because I'm outside, you know. And I don't want to do this for too long because I imagine the audio is pretty rough. Wow. That's a nice porta potty, Jeff. It looks so nice.

Here we go. Wow. That's great. What'sty, Geoff! It looks so nice! Here we go! Wow! That's great! What's that thing? The sink? I think it's the urinal. I think he's got a little urinal in it. That's the urinal, man! It's got a urinal in it! Wow! That's fantastic! This truly is the

greatest gift I've given anybody. Look at how nice that is! It's got like a ventilation pipe coming up so I guess the poo smell doesn't go inside that's amazing you went all out andrew i did look at me so it's you're welcome jeff andrew it's a lovely gift and and i and it's it's been kind of it's been kind of great right like off the bat when the guy in the 18 wheeler delivered it and i and asked me why the fuck i had been avoiding them and dodging them i had to explain to him that it was a prank he totally got it he got excited about

it he offered to buy it from me so i have a 600 offer on the table how much hello can you guys hear me it's cut it's cutting out a little bit for me can you guys hear me? It's cutting out a little bit for me. Can you guys hear me? Yeah. Yeah, it's cutting out a little bit, but you're good. All right, hold on. I'll just leave it. He didn't wire his... His whole pipe for internet. He's just walking out of his... You okay, Jeff?

Is Jeff gone? How did he record that bit? I don't know It's a portable studio, this is great Did he flush the phone down the toilet. What the hell was that? I don't know. He's gone. He lost Jeff. Do you think you fell over on the floor? No, I'm back. It was obvious that we couldn't communicate, so I switched back

to my house. Oh, that was so good. That was so good. What I was going to say is as soon as I explained to the guy that it was a prank, which he thought was very cool for some reason, he offered me $600 on the spot for it. a prank, which he thought was very cool for some reason, he offered me 600 bucks on the spot for it. Wow.

Why didn't you just shift it to him? And I know I could have been like, don't even take it off the truck. Just give me $600 in cash and move on with your life. And it would have essentially been Andrew wiring me a $600 cash gift with a $400 processing fee. That's even better money laundering than the Zimmer cards. Oh my god. But instead I said, no, no, no,

here, take it out. I took his number down so I can always sell it to him if I want to. But it's kind of grown on me. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking we take it to, I'm going to have John Mace pick it up, take it to Rooster Teeth. Maybe we turn it into a recording booth. Like I could it with uh with acoustic foam we can do something with it i was even thinking we have an album in search of a purpose right like we want to make this the

audience wants us to make a vinyl album we don't know what to do what if we get wes the rooster teeth photographer who's super talented too talented to work for us and we take the porta potty and we take it somewhere and we set it up somewhere majestic. And like on a hill overlooking all of Austin. Like a nice vista. Beautiful vista or something. And we have Wes take this gorgeous picturesque photo.

And then we slap that on an album cover and we call it like, F*** Face Talking Shit. Or like, Down with Chronicles. Flush in it or whatever. Yeah. And then that's the,

and then that's the point of the album is it's either us recording from inside the port-a-potty or us just talking shit about people or, or something. But then when we call it the pink album with like, it's all kinds of cool stuff we could do. I love this idea, Jeff. And I'm so glad that you've pivoted to this direction

because I was planning counterattacks for your $600 idea, and I really like this direction more than what I had planned. Oh, I think I'm going to make way more money than the $600 if I do it this way. So have you shat in it yet or anything, or are you just going to keep it clean?

No, it's pristine. Dude, as a matter of fact, it was shrink shrink wrapped i didn't open it up until two hours ago could you like climb down the bog hole and like sit in there yeah i think i probably could oh that's that we've got to have a picture of your head poking out the toilet that is that's what i want uh okay yeah I'll tell you what. It's never going to get any cleaner than it is now, right? Why don't I, after the podcast is over, I'll hop out and I'll see if I can get in there

and get a photo taken. You should film yourself trying to get in because that's going to be good. Okay. Yeah, I'll do that. What a great gift. What an expensive gift. I got to be honest, Andrew.

I was resistant to it just because of the size. And I don't know what the fuck to do with it. But it was a bit like a blessing in disguise. Hopefully not a Trojan horse, but a blessing in disguise. That's what it feels like now. Yeah, I'm genuinely jealous. Dude, if we keep that nice, we could have that on the convention floor at RTX. Oh, absolutely.

People could come and sit in it, take a picture. 100%. You know what we could do? We could put it on the floor, and we could pump speakers into it, and we could have a little three-minute f***face episode, and the only way to hear it is to go sit on the toilet, put the headphones—we're not even talking about headphones because that'd be gross, but just sit on the toilet and listen to it,

and then you get a little special f***face episode right there on the show floor. the headphones, we're not even talking about headphones because it'd be gross, but just sit on the toilet and listen to it, and then you get like a little special f*** face episode right there on the show floor. I think that's perfect. The hardest thing is going to be my dick. Not to shit in it. Oh, right, yeah, that part too. We can bolt that down. We could.

Yeah. So, your original plan, Jeff, is now off the table. You're not going to weaponize this and just drop it off at the other people who work on the show? They're they're they're driveways. Oh, well, I never say never. You know, I also think that there's a lot of power in, I guess, creating more misery for those of you that work on the show with me.

And I'm always open to do that. But my current sites are more aspirational than that. I see. Well, I found out about your offer. You talked about the 600. I was aware of that. 600 bucks. Well, I found out about your offer. You talked about the 600. I was aware of that. 600 bucks.

Yeah, that's a great deal. So immediately I went into, because I don't know if you remember, I made hats at one time that I talked about making a profit off of, and you were very against this idea. So I was trying to think like, well, how could I screw up Jeff's deal? Okay.

And my first thought was, I could just fill the shitter with cement and make it extremely heavy and unmovable. Just make it as annoying as possible for you to do anything with. The immovable toilet. The immovable toilet. Okay. That'd be pretty annoying. Yeah. Then I thought about, like, you could even tip it over and use it like a mold and just fill it all with cement.

I came to the conclusion that would murder somebody. That would fall on someone and they would die i cannot do that but then i thought about at that time you said the hat was such a great item it was so magnificent it was beautiful it belonged in a museum i couldn't dare possibly sell it so i have been emailing essentially every museum in Texas explaining the situation and seeing if any of them would take it as an exhibit. And we're making progress. We're finding I've gotten some replies. I don't have a place yet, but it's a possibility.

So I'm happy that we're going this other angle. I don't think I'll continue to pursue the museum thing necessarily. So it's a nice backup there. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's a great. You know, we we need we need to maximize this porta potty i was just thinking like what kind of could we make mini porta potties that we could sell like little pocket potties like a toy you mean what's that like you shit in on on the go no it'd be more like a tchotchke right like a keychain or something i don't want it like i don't i mean i guess we could do that i mean you have a miniature port-a-pot like it's possible i sent you a mini

port-a-potty that's true can you imagine how disgusting a real size human turd would look at a very tiny poor boy oh no like a man-sized poo well isn't that no was that the opening shot of jackass 2 wasn't it like dave Dave England shitting on a tiny toilet or something there was yeah third one in where he shot the volcano I have a question for everybody here I'm just curious I asked this question to some other people are surprised by their answer. What is, you order a pizza,

okay, this is the scenario. You get a pizza, you order it, you leave it on the counter, you leave it wherever you leave it. What is the longest you've gone back to eat a pizza, piece of pizza that has been left out? Left out,

like not put in the fridge. Not put in the fridge. Is it wrapped in cellophane or anything? No, it's just, it's in the box. It's in the box. You've left it out, not in the fridge is it wrapped in cellophane or anything or no it's just it's in the box it's in the box you've left it out not in the fridge it's just room am i heating it up or am i just grabbing it no you're just it doesn't whatever i think both are fine just how much time has it spent out what is the the longest gap you've gone no more than an hour no more than an hour i'm probably good for i would say i would eat a pizza that's been out on the counter

for two or three hours, but no more than that. Two or three hours. Like 6 p.m., we got a pizza. At nine, I'm still hungry. There's like one slice of pizza left on the counter, like in the bar. I'd probably still eat it,

but I wouldn't go any later than that. I wouldn't go past bedtime. Nick said 12 hours. Eric said two days. Oh my God. Two days? Just unrefrigerated? That can't be great. That's got bacteria

growing on it. That's not healthy. It's going to start shriveling. It'll be dehydrated. It's like the botulism is making salmonella at that point. I asked this question. That's how COVID started. Maybe one hour is a little bit too harsh. I'd push it to two, but I rarely want to have

pizza for lunch and dinner again. Alright, so Andrew's clearly left us out for like a week and a half. What have you done? What have you done, you disgusting animal? I asked this question. You blended it and put it in a bowl. I expected most people to be like, Eric, like maybe three days, two to three days. Almost everyone was like, maybe I left it out overnight once and ate a slice in the morning.

almost everyone was like maybe i left it out overnight once and ate a slice in the morning the longest duration i would say between leaving a pizza out and then coming back to eat it is like 10 days i want to say what are you talking about andrew that's why your asshole's bleeding yeah you're gonna get your no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no contagions left and right because you're ingesting. This was months ago. Unrelated to what happened. I wish you would have said years ago. Months ago?

10 days? It was probably like 10 days. You can order something from China in less time. I could get something through the UK post-Brexit faster. Probably not. Nick said it's become cardboard when it sits at that point.

Yeah, what is that piece? Yeah, but it was Little Caesar, so it was always cardboard. There's no going down. You're already at the bottom. Pizza jerky. Nah, it was not great. Listen, it was like 2.30 a.m. No.

We're in the middle of the week. It was on my filing cabinet. I had one piece left in a box. It was just there. And I was hungry. What was on it? Just pepperoni. It was a pepperoni slice.

Well, the pepperoni's probably fine because pepperoni's cured. But, oh God, the fucking. It was like eating a giant crouton. It wasn't good. How would I not fly laying eggs in that after like a week? No, no. It was because they'd already hatched. Everything was contained.

At that point. He's waiting a week. He's like, just waiting off the lava. Once that's gone, I'm gonna eat it. I'm dry aging it. Andrew, no one has... Where did you go to school? Why did no one teach you not to eat

old freaking food? I know you're not supposed to. It was a rare time and it was a very small amount. Why not just throw a hot dog in your closet and cook one up? Because I caused the fire alarm to go off last time I did that and I'm very scared of using that machine

ever since then. I need my fan blowing. It's a whole process if I want to cook dogs in my room. I need my fan blowing. It's a whole process. If I want to cook dogs in my room, I don't do it. We need to get you a freaking button. I can do it outside. Actually, I've got a balcony.

I could, I could, that's actually a good idea. We need one of those life alert thingies around your neck from when you eat like a three week old milkshake and your gut starts dissolving. That's not going to happen.

Wait, what did you say? He hasn't had a milkshake and your gut starts dissolving. I've never had a milkshake. That's not going to happen. Wait, what did you say? He hasn't had a milkshake. He had the milk allergy, didn't he? Yeah, the milk allergy. No longer applies somehow. Should I try, 7-Eleven has a Slurpicino. I haven't tried coffee since the last time.

That wasn't coffee. It wasn't coffee. Should I go for the Slurpecino? That's coffee and a Slurpee. That might be like the next step. Yeah, pour it in the cake bowl. That'll be perfect. That'll be the milk to your weird cake cereal. There's no milk in it, apparently.

Okay. So here's what it boils down to, Gavin. Andrew texts you on a random day and it's about a bloody anus yeah andrew texts me and it's he's sad because he dropped his food i don't understand why you how you how you you choose to to funnel information to people it's just so weird like where's the where's the i'm thinking about like like when you hack in in in cyberpunk and you're like, you know what I mean? Like, like, I don't understand.

Or, or like, or like the pipes in biohazard when you're trying to put the pipes together. Like how does that information flow from A to B? You want to honestly answer that? There was a thought process to it. I thought I haven't talked to Jeff in a few days. I miss Jeff. This is the thing that just happened in my life. I'll talk to Jeff about it.

I want to talk to Jeff. I didn't view it as show content at that time it was just a thing that was happening yeah and then you said oh that's this feels like show content I was like I guess it is I guess I'll talk about on the show that's why I talked to you about it then I asked him maybe that's where the filing cabinet comes in is that like it hits the Andrew newsroom and then he has to file it into different like who's he gonna text this to that that is fair I will say in Andrew's defense most of the time he texts me now I I respond with is this going to be content or could this be content and if so stop talking to shut up we have a show to make it is that destroyed destroyed our our friendship it really has Gavin I can't remember the last time i talked

to you on the phone well why would we yeah i guess that's true i guess that's true oh i guess another oh i got a i got we got a prototype for a product we got a beef bracelet prototype somebody sent me i don't know if someone else made it yeah someone made it it's not really a beef bracelet there's a video the making of i wish they would have just taken a photo of it but um here's a link they made a slim jim sunglasses it's an it's not quite the beeper we talked about a whole clothing line all right this was something that came out of the face bits email i've made which is doing very well. 3d printer, SLA printer.

It's like a little clip that you slip the, the slim Jim into made by somebody who emailed in. Dude, this is a hell of a setup. It's a great setup. It's kind of like a scientist. I don't even know how to stuff it. Look at all the different gloves he's got. Oh,

look at that. Automatically lowering. That's fucking, that's nice. I want that. And I don't even know what it is. Yeah. Is it like setting it, like sealing it somehow? I believe so.

Oh, I love it. Look at him go. Oh, I mean, I think the bracelet's better, but it's not like we can't, they both can't exist. No, yeah. I mean, we talked about doing a whole clothing line. Oh, this kid's a genius. Now he's water cutting some aluminum.

Oh, yeah, you're going. Gavin didn't fast forward like I did. He's watching the whole video. Should I not? No, it's fine. Go for it. It's a good video. It's a great video.

Yeah. So was this my suggestion of having the Slim Jims in the glasses? I don't know. If you want it to be, take credit for it. Who cares? Yeah, you could own it. Sure. Of course.

That's pretty much exactly what I imagined. Yeah. Wow. Do you even got the face logo on it yeah it's great i made that bits email there are so many remarkably talented people in ways that like i don't even know how we'll use but it's amazing i've been i've been amazed at some of the stuff people have latched onto the audience first off we talked about it earlier they love the idea of us making an album. Maybe we'll make the Pink album, maybe it'll be something else. They also, they absolutely

fucking love all of the crazy different ways that you can come up with to put meat on stuff. That's awesome. I'm amazed at how they've latched onto that. They're brilliant. Also, the NFT, going stronger than ever. I checked on it today.

The lady or the person that bought it, they put it up for sale for, you know, I sold it for one tenth of one dollar, a dollar, whatever the fuck it is. Ethereum. Somebody offered her one zero point one seven five for it, which is a 0.075 increase. She has not accepted that offer. It sat there alone for like two weeks. Just the other day, somebody offered 0.176 for it.

So that's one thousandth of a dollar more, I think. So it's a, we just think you're picking up. But Ethereum isn't a dollar. No. They're like two grand or whatever. Nah, I don't think it's that bad, but maybe but ethereum isn't a dollar no like two grand or whatever no i don't think it's that bad but uh maybe i don't know anyway speaking of like ridiculously talented audience members and community members i i've been meaning to mention for a while uh that we

got contacted a while back by a person who actually works at uh one of the people that one of the companies that makes trading cards baseball cards basketball cards the company panini and sent us some of their designs and some of the cards that which are just phenomenal and i can share them with you guys uh this person named jody uh i don't know if they want me to read the article read the letter or not so i won't but they did say to tell andrew to eat the pencil and they sent along like three four five six cards that they designed wow from like dan like looks like dan marino john morant like that's what literally they are a baseball

card artist and they design baseball cards which is like the coolest job yeah in existence i wasn't aware and anyway i just wanted to say that uh i really appreciate that thanks for reaching out jody and uh let it be said from this point on that F*** Face Jody is the, probably the preeminent card designer on earth. Probably, I would say the Van Gogh, if you will, of baseball card and basketball card design. And so it's really cool that the greatest living card artist

reached out to us. Appreciate that. That's awesome. You know what's crazy cool that the greatest living card artist reached out to us. Appreciate that. That's awesome. You know, what's crazy about that? We, uh, we made those bats.

Uh, we didn't know how they would do. We just made the 50. Obviously they, I was miserable, uh, burning them all. And,

uh, and they sold out like in, in a couple seconds. Like it was pretty much instant. That was cool. So when we made the next round of bats, we made six times the amount of bats that we made the first time,

figuring that might be enough. And they once again sold out instantly. So the next thing we make, we're going to have to, I'll try to make sure that we, I don't know, we create enough of it for the demand. But I guess that's the question too.

Like, where do we go? We have the original burned bats. We now have the black bat with the card. Is next the bat knob? Yeah, I think we go 1,000 knobs. 1,000 knobs? 1,000 knobs. Yeah, I think 1,000 knobs is a nice little...

I was afraid you'd say 1,000 knobs. It's a nice name for a drop, isn't it? The 1,000 knob drop? Yeah, I like that. Here's what I was going to's a nice name for a drop, isn't it? The thousand knob drop. Yeah, I like that. Here's what I was going to say. Okay. I've been working with merch for a while. They cannot find a dish.

They can't find a source to make only bat knobs. It's just it's just not a thing that's done in 2021. However, it has been discussed. I'm going to hate. I really fucking hate that I'm offering this, but I want to provide the audience with their goddamn bat knobs, right? And I refuse to accept that we can't market and sell a product that our audience is desirous of.

Dare I say it, demanding of. So I mentioned to them that if we were to get a couple hundred bat knobs, a couple hundred bats, just get our hands on a couple hundred custom-made bats, I would be willing to buy a saw and saw them off, and then I

guess I would need to sand the ends smooth. And then, like, that's the way we could get to the five... I was gonna say five hundred, but you said a thousand which seems like way too much but how do you like I just don't know what else to do I like that idea I don't want to personally make 500 bat knobs

but I don't know how else we're gonna get there are they are they mini bat bats again are they knobs from mini bats no I think that I think these knobs would be full size right so what are you gonna do with a thousand most of a bat that's left over? That's a great fucking question, Gavin. I don't know.

That's another thing is we would have to determine what do we do with knobless bats? Maybe you could like wallpaper a room with them or something cool. Or we turn them into like, maybe we can figure out a way to, you know, sell them to the audience. It's something too. Like world's biggest toothpick. Yeah. Or a deck chair biggest toothpick. Yeah. Or a deck chair made out of 16 bats. Yeah, or vampire steaks.

Oh yeah, that works. I don't know. So that's going to be way worse than you signing the tip of a bat. I don't know. Well, okay, in my head it's not. You're going to definitely need a big fat bench and an electric saw. You're gonna need to you're gonna definitely need a big fat

bench and an electric saw you're not gonna do that by hand anytime soon no i would need a chop saw i here's what here's the way i'm thinking i get a chop saw i put it on my workbench i i dial in i get everything set up right i just take the knobs the bats i stick it in it needs to make a knob guide knock it up put Knock it up. Put a new one. Zoop. I do that a thousand times. That seems easy. And then I get a belt sander, and then I just sand the edges so that there's no splinters or anything. Do you think anyone on Earth would have wrecked that many bats?

No. You might have a world record if you do that. Do you have any idea what a thousand bats is going to look like? No. We can't do a thousand. A load of pallets but no it but we know what happens when you only put off a few hundred they're gone within one minute less than one minute that's true let's sell something that is on the site for more than a

minute okay well come over and help me make fucking knobs then but i didn't say we should go yeah that was all you you guys have been wanting knobs forever. I'm trying to make, I'm trying to come up with a solution for the audience. I don't want to make the fucking things, but nobody else on earth is going to do it for us. Well, here's the thing. I'd love to help. Here's the way I see it.

Eric is a producer, and that means to make something. I'm not doing that. You can just move on. We're at the end. I was typing out that we're at the end of the episode, so we don't even need to get, we don't even need to broach the subject

of me doing anything with the bats. Huge waste of time. Not even content. Not even going to begin to go there. So you could, you just go to like the next, go to like, hey, how can we make Andrew do it? Just go to like the next person. Eric is in almost every episode

and he is yet to have to burden these signatures or burnings or bat creations. So I think it's Eric's turn for the thousand knobs. Alright, sounds like it's settled. Andrew, are you still there? Yeah, no, I'm here. I just, there's another way, I would love to help Jeff, if I was in Texas, I would help you with those bat knobs. Well,

maybe the audience will chime in and say, maybe the audience will chime in and say, you know what, Jeff, don't worry about it, we don't want the knobs that bad. Just sell us, just make a new t-shirt or something. They'll let me off the hook. The great thing about this, though, is if you do them by, if you eyeball them, every knob

will be a slightly different length. That's a great point. It's like a fingerprint, like a snowflake. Yeah, that's great. That's a great point, Gavin. I wonder how the knobs will change over time. Will knob 2 be vastly different from knob 806 that was certainly the case with burning the numbers so i would assume that by like 700 i

will have i'll have it down if if could we sell the broken bats no how'd this work i was thinking like it'd be if you bought knob, you can then buy a broken bat, and you'd have to try to hope to match the bat with the knob. Like a real Cinderella-type scenario. Everyone at RTX could bring their knobs and bats and try and match up which knob was from which bat.

That's a great idea! Be like the world puzzle. We'll sell knobs, and then a month later, we'll sell knob and then like a month later we'll sell knobless bats. If you didn't get a knob, buy the bat it came from. This is so stupid.

Well, anyway, I gotta go crawl in a toilet so you guys have a good day. Thanks for listening. Like and subscribe. Do a review. Tell a friend. All that shit. This has been F*** Face. See you next week.

Bye. Bye.