Regulation Podcast - Ass Hair Toupée // The Year of Plaques [188]

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about how Andrew would carry out a murder, being a week into new buttholes, making a toupe out of ass hair, tug of war and jet ski waxing methods, the great standing desk debate, Andrew’s cock award results, a heartfelt apology to Jack, the fruit video, the breastfeeding at an NBA game, their clumsy incidents, buying and renovating your childhood home, tracking height in door frames, the mall buying Andrew’s neighborhood, putting a plaque in said mall, bean hole dirt pens getting to Canada, Geoff’s unnamed secret puppy, and more. Shop our merch here → https://store.roosterteeth.com/collections/f-kface Sponsored by Füm http://tryfum.com/FACE , Factor http://factormeals.com/face50 code face50 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. My name is Jeff Ramsey and with me as always, Andrew Panton, Gavin Free. This is episode 187, the Merc episode. How's it going? The Merc episode? The what? Yeah, 187 is the Merc episode. How's it going? The Merc episode? Yeah, 187 is police code for murder, dude. Really? Oh, it'll be real Zazzle then.

Yeah, it's like the opposite of Zazzle. Yeah? Oh, shit. Gracie says this is 188. Yeah, this is 188. Sorry. No! That was a typo on my part.

Eric! Dude, I was feeling so good about that intro. God damn. You have to type three things into the Discord. Today hasn't been my day, Gavin. Please. Listen, Gav. I'm going to go ahead and say right now, Gav,

before we go any further with the episode, don't poke the Eric bear today. Yeah, today's just been... I've just had such a tough day. Let's give them an easy ride. Yeah, you can poke everybody else, but. I've just had such a tough day. Alright, can I poke everyone else then? Yeah, you can poke everybody else, but let's poke everybody else. Let's let Eric off easy. Alright, I have a clip. Oh, you have a clip?

Immediately we're going into clips. What the fuck is this? Face podcast. This is episode 185. My name is Jeff Ramsey. With me, as always, Andrew Payton and Gavin Free. Hello, boys. Hello. Which was the one that we're meant to have? Is it 187 that was meant to be the

best episode of all time? We did this last week. No, that's the Merc episode. What are we talking about? It's like 196. 196? Wait, what? Are we in a time loop? Isn't this how literally last week's episode started? Am I insane?

No, you're absolutely correct. Yeah. Went back to the previous episode. Absolutely no mention of it. I don't know what every single person was talking about. You know what it might have been? Might have come up in other,

some sort of other recording, like a Let's Play or something. But I will say, remarkably consistent with shit I say. I thought I just came up with that Merc thing on the spot right now. Apparently I said it fucking weeks ago. I had no idea.

I'm just glad it's not the murder episode because it is the most murdered member of the show. I just don't feel that would be a good one for me. You think you're more murdered than everyone else? Oh, 100%. Absolutely. It's not even close. No, you know what? Never mind. I Absolutely. It's not even close. Let me...

No, you know what? Never mind. I'm not going to ask the question. What was the question? No, it was too dark. It was too dark. Ask it. No, you got it.

All right. Yeah. If you were going to murder one of us, how would you prefer to do it? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, like what style of murder? Like pick one of us to murder and then figure out how you do it. Oh. Okay. I edited this out of my own mouth as I was saying it and then figure out how you do it. Oh. Okay.

I edited this out of my own mouth as I was saying it, but you guys put it back in. I would try to murder Gavin the slowest way possible because I feel like that's his brand and it wouldn't be like a sadistic thing. It's just you're a slow-mo guy. What? You love slow. You're a slow-mo guy. That's not how I want to go.

Wouldn't you want to murder him at normal speed, but be filming it with a phantom camera? Wouldn't that be the way to do it? I don't have the money for a phantom camera. I don't even know how to work a normal camera. When you think about it, I only deal with fast things. What? Yeah, but your whole thing is slow, so...

It's slow afterwards. In the moment, it's very fast. Well, I don't know. I'd figure out a slow way to do it jeff how would i kill jeff i don't know how i kill jeff i have to think about this i immediately think poisoning diet sodas i don't wait hang on i don't understand i thought you were just picking one of us to kill and how you know are you gonna are you gonna batman kill all of us like here's how i thought I was killing everybody. Can I give you some tips on how to kill me? Absolutely.

I think the best way to kill me is to let me kill myself. I think what you need to do is manipulate the situation so that I feel so hopeless and lost that I take my own life. And here's how I would do it if I were you. Work out a deal with my dentist

so that next time I go in for a routine cleaning, pay the dentist to tell me I have seven root canals. I think, you know, like in mob movies when they turn the car on and the car explodes? Yeah. Oh, my God. I think I would do that to your electric bike because it's just funny. Oh, that's a good way to do it, too. Yeah.

Dude, those things explode. The batteries on those things explode all the time. Like, remember the time the battery shot off the bike while I was riding it? I forgot about that. The best part is

if I kill you on the electric bike, you'd blame it on your no longer gentle ghost. I would have to cover. Well, everybody would be like, they would be like, how did Jeff die? Like, he fucking burned to death

after he exploded on his electric bike and everybody would go, yeah it would be like, how did Jeff die? Like he, he fucking burned to death after he exploded on a, on his electric bike and everybody would go, yeah, I warned him. You would absolutely get away with that. So, so we're,

we're a week into a butthole. Yeah, you are. How's it going? How do you feel? It's been an absolute journey. Really? Yeah. It's been an absolute journey. Really? Yeah, it's been an absolute game changer.

I would say I'm still getting used to my new asshole. Have you shit yourself yet? No. But wiping has been absolutely tremendous. Did you shit yourself, Jeff? Yeah. He's telling his story right now. I thought you were going to continue

and then you didn't really say much more. I was just asking if you'd shit yourself yet. I just shit myself the other day. But how? I thought, like you're saying, why don't you finish your journey first and then I can talk about mine. I'm not trying to butt in here.

Well, maybe it leads into it because i mean wiping is is taking like a third of the time it's so clean really it's so fast it's almost fun to wipe now yeah i'm enjoying it however there's significant trappage and there's a there's like a new seal when it comes to farts. Farts that I feel like this entire time, the hair has been very slightly holding me open, allowing me to just eke out gently a load of farts. But now they just get trapped and they provide sort of a back pressure. Like I never know. It just feels completely different.

And if I try to eke out a little fart, I feel resistance, and I immediately feel like I'm going to shit myself. So I've been learning how hard to push when it comes to regulation farts. Is it louder in any way? Way louder. Oh, yeah. Weirder, too.

That makes sense. Your farts were being, like, smothered to death with a pillow, louder. Oh, yeah. Weirder, too. That makes sense. Your farts were being, like, smothered to death with a pillow, it sounds like, previously. So now that it's clear, it makes sense. Yeah, well, there was just no seal before. That's interesting. There's a slap to the fart now that I've never heard from you before. Gavin's 100% right. And what he was describing describing what difficulty with farting

is how i shit myself like you develop because you know sometimes there's a little you know you got a little you got one in the chamber but you also need to fart and there's like there's a gentle push and pull a man can or a person can do with their butt to release a fart and i think the hair i didn't realize this either gavin i think the hair plays such a part in that because everything feels foreign and different now and I pushed a little too hard uh I was a little too confident on the sofa the other night pushed a little too hard and just shit my pants just the tiniest bit had to run up and uh and clean myself uh didn't get on I didn't get out of me you know I didn't make a mess externally but I bet it was an easy clean it

was an it was a lovely clean but the same kind of thing where now like when i fart i have to think about it i have to put i have to put a little bit of thought into a fart and there have been instances where i've chosen not to fart because i just it was i just wasn't sure i've also well i've been experiencing a new a new friction there's a there's a new grip to just walking around that I'm not used to and Meg has been giving me grief because she'll often spot me just holding one of my cheeks open as I walk around if I if I'm not enjoying the friction she told us at dinner sometimes you'll just walk past her in a room holding your ass I

can't you have so much anal hair that you have like an anal separator You have a divider a natural divider between cheeks. It's insane Yeah, now it's and now everything is just touching and sealed shut and and when I when I walk It's just it's just sliding, but you know that you can get sometimes sometimes It's fine, but depending on you know how hot the room is so it could be a little bit grippy like it's it's like You know it's like gripping and letting letting go And every time you take a step When it was talked about with the waxing And how much hair you had

Between your cheeks I'm imagining a large tuft How long do you think If at maximum growth It would take you to make a toupee Out of your butt hair Oh like waxing it growing it and waxing it wax grow wax grow well i don't actually know how long it's going to take to

grow back at this point that's true but i just i wonder how many how many waxings at full growth would you need for a toupee maybe 10 i don't think't think so. I think he'd need five based on what I saw. That feels like a realistic number. Yeah, I think... What do you guys think? Because they look like about a fiver to me. Don't all jump in at once, Eric.

Yeah, that'd be Eric or Nick or Gracie. Everyone's saying they didn't look, which I believe is bullshit. Everybody looked at this script. Look, I just don't want, I don't want, this, the whole waxing thing I'm trying to put, for lack of a better term, behind me, where I just don't, it's not what I want to think about anymore, and thinking about you having all this ass hair that has to go on someone's head, I do think it would be less than 10, but probably just a little bit more than five.

I bet you'd be just shy of seven. Oh, Gracie's now saying she looked. Yeah, no, I mean, the thing about it is that it was so long and so much that it was like, I don't know another way to describe it. It was like arm hair. Oh my God.

It was just... Like Robin Williams' arm? Yes's arm yes yeah yeah yeah i mean it like it looked like it gavin it looked like it it just looked like something like a cat would shed and you'd just be like oh man fuck and it was you could definitely make a toupee out of it i just don't think it would be very good the first thing i thought of when i saw it was that she was holding a merkin it took me just a second to realize what I was looking at. Gracie says, please preface, I look to the strip, not your junk.

Yeah, I don't think there was line of sight on the junk. No, no one could see. Again, Elise did a great job. No one could see anyone's junk at all. No one wanted to see anyone's junk at all. We all had a great viewing of a big black curtain

that we couldn't see. So I know you say you're ready to move on with your life and put the anal waxing behind us, as it were. But Gavin had some ideas the other day

that I think have a lot of merit. Oh, no. Do you want to pitch them on what you want to do next? No. Yeah. So I figured for wax round two... Do you want to pitch them on what you want to do next? No! Um, yeah. So I figured for wax round two... Why is there a round two? Let him finish.

Tug of war. You sadist. You're a fucking psycho. You're crazy. We'll both put a wax strip on the old gooch and over the hole, tie them together and just run away from each other. Oh, God. Well, you just have made a game that you're going to win

based on the fact that when you were getting waxed, the strip ripped because there was so much wool from your hair. You're not losing a tug-of-war. We'll see. I think the real winner here will be the audience. Well, the thing about the... No matter what happens, it's not like you win

and then they put a magic potion on your ass hair. You know what I mean? Like, you're getting fucking waxed. But just imagine we're both in sweatpants with a little hole cut in. And just in a field or something doing it. Why a field? We want flat

ground. How long is the rope? Can you describe more of the scene for me, Gavin? Some flowers in the corner. Okay. Nick is definitely there filming. Gracie's looking at the strips but not the junk Eric's producing the hell out of this Elise is in the

middle with a table she applies the wax through the hole we pull our pants back up and then very quickly we run in opposite directions while the 20 what do you think a hundred feet of rope 100 i think that's crazy let's say 50 50 feet of rope you think 100 is too far why do you have why do you have to be far apart yeah well you want to build speed and you want to build tension yeah okay well because if it's if it's 100 feet of rope then i'm running 50 and you're running 50 when it hits yeah yeah uh can i say in my head this was uh people on all fours sort of like

clamoring away from each other like horses and what you've described i like a lot more it's just more human and i'm i'm just i'm happier with that i guess in general well you're gonna love round three then because after we figured this all out we discussed emily had an idea for a for for a way to escalate that do i know about this yeah we talked about it I'm trying to process like where the wax would be. I just don't like the logistics of this whole thing. I think what would here, here's what would have to happen. You would have to have, you'd each have to have a waxer with you on the back of the jet ski.

Like you'd have to have like your own individual waxer and they would put the wax on and apply the strip and then give the thumbs up and then you would both go at the same time away from each other right yeah i'm i'm not saying it's immediately an easy to put together thing but who knows knows where the podcast is headed and what resources we might have in the future. And plus, one time like 15 years ago, I saw Jake Paul jump out of a helicopter at the beach onto a giant trampoline in the ocean. Like if he could pull,

if that dickhead could pull that off, surely we can get a couple of jet skis and some anal wax. I will say it took quite a long time for Eric just to be able to sort out a waxer in a room. Yeah, but now I have resources. Okay.

Now I have a Rolodex. Now I don't have to call companies so they tell me we're not going to fucking do that. I have someone at the ready who's like, give me a call again when you need me. No problem. I will say that we just got together to come up with new ideas and put everything on a board. And this wasn't anything we talked about at all. Oh, God. You're right.

It left some stuff off. Great. That board is so full. We spent most of the time arguing about desks. I asked other people about that desk thing. You know what? You should bring it up here because I want to know what the audience thinks. Because I asked other people and it was a lot of stunned silence.

Most of this argument took place between Gracie and myself. But I was saying that if you put a standing desk, right, and you stack 10 of them on top of each other, and if every desk moves up at, say, one mile an hour, if you're stood on the top of the 10th desk and all desks raise at the same time, you'll be ascending at 10 miles an hour.

Absolutely. And Gracie was having absolutely none of it. I'm still having none of it. Now, I will say, Gavin, I was against you, but then everyone was against you, so now I'm with you. But are you with me because it's right or because everyone's against me?

Which, does it matter to you that much? I think it was very clear why he's with you now. I think he explained it, and then you asked, could you explain why? Yeah, there was no ambiguity to what he said. It was very straightforward. He said, I disagree with you, but so does everybody else, so I'm going to be contrarian

anyway. Gavin, the thing about it is, and Gracie, Emily, a bunch of people disagree with you, but I think you're 100% right. I think that's how it works. Yeah, me too. Because if every desk is moving at one mile an hour, but the second desk

is already moving at one mile an hour. So when you add one mile an hour to it, it becomes two. Yeah, when a desk is going one mile an hour and then not its own volition, and then it chooses to go one mile an hour, it's not its own volition and then it chooses to go one mile an hour, it's gone two miles an hour. I think we should

build this device. Yeah. I think what we're going to run into problems is just the way. I also want to know what you mean by this device. It sounds like it's just a bunch of tables. Well, it needs a way to propel them, right? That's the device I imagine is the thing that will launch them.

No, they're standing desks. You hit a button and they raise. What do you mean the button is the device? Well, having to press all the buttons at the same time. Yeah, we'll have to figure that out. I'll get some top engineers on it. Gracie says desks 1 to 9 will not be able to raise.

If the motor's strong enough, they will. It just depends how strong it is. You just have to see what the weight limit is. The weight is kind of irrelevant of the problem, though. Right. It's just like a... Theoretically, it should be 10 miles an hour

at the top. i think my favorite thing about this is that regardless of if you're proven right or wrong i don't think anyone cares i don't think you'll be that satisfied about being right i don't think gracie would be that satisfied about being wrong it's just total indifference i can tell that to both of us when we were screaming at each other the other day yeah you weren't there uh like on set at the break show when it was really going down. Oh, it continued past that? Oh, yeah, for a while.

For at least another 30 minutes. Oh, God. And Emily was very much on Gracie's side. Yeah, she's also very wrong. Well, it's like two different things. You can be passionate about an argument in the moment, but the result doesn't necessarily move you in any direction. I just don't see it being a big celebration either way for whoever well i mean nothing really matters ever well that's what's that mean well i mean what makes you care about the result of something

because like i'm invested in it and i care about the result like i feel like i'll gain something from it i guess i just feel like i'm not going to gain anything from your... No, it's not like just being right as a blanketed thing is not something that excites me. Gav, I think Andrew is vastly underestimating how excited either of us

would be if we pulled this off in a way. Yeah, we're going to have to get some strong ones. Yeah, I guess. I think I'd be pretty pumped that the desk did go fast, like the act of it, but not... What I'm unmoved by is the act of being right or wrong about this. But if it did work, like whatever that spectacle is would be very entertaining.

I will say, in my experience, the greatest feeling in the world, some people will tell you it's sex, some people will tell you it's drugs. Some people will tell you it's drugs. I certainly thought it was alcohol for a long time. I have learned later in life that the best feeling in the world is being proven right.

So I think if it worked and we were proven right, I would be on Cloud9 for a month. I don't know. What a high that would be. What a high? Speaking of highs, the cock awards happened we should close that out

Jeff had one of the funniest bits that I've experienced with Jeff in a long time he was killing me where I didn't I'm glad you thought it was funny because I was like this is going to take a couple hours and could be really annoying. It was so funny.

The Cock Awards happen, and I didn't know that I'd be even able to watch them, but I can. I don't know. Is that new? Can you watch the Cock Awards every year? If you work for the company. Yeah. I just, I never knew they were streamed.

Like, I had no idea that that was a thing I could do. So it was a nice surprise. It's not something I think we probably talk about super widely, you know, to the public as it's an internal award. That's fair. I just, I feel like I've never gotten an email to see it,

but I did this year. So it was a nice surprise. And watching it, obviously expectations, not high, didn't feel like the Raymond. So mayor votes were going to be that impactful, and it is like an hour and a half ceremony, but every single

time they would announce the award that's going to be given out in a moment is, and then they'd show the name of it, and whenever that would happen, Jeff would text me a fingers crossed emoji and say good luck, and then when it wasn't me, he would say robbed

and there's like 15 awards jeff did this like 15 times in a row and it was so funny every single time it was great it's an all-time bit by you i looked at the email not even a honorable mention yeah that was the best part was i you weren't even in the running for any of it no like 80 of the way through the ceremony they did a thing where they're like oh these were really competitive categories let's show um special shout outs as well as honorable mentions across every award and i i wasn't even a thought It wasn't even a consideration to win. I would say I have negative cock after this. I don't know where the campaigning went wrong.

Maybe it was making a spreadsheet that had jokes making fun of the company. I'm going to have to evaluate. I may be announcing that I'd never attended an All Hands before. Ultimately, was it the best approach? But we'll learn and we'll grow. There's always next year.

Did anyone hear from anyone who had to deal with all that shit you sent in? Did anyone in the company mention it? I did not hear anything. I was pulling for you every single time, Andy. You were. Fingers crossed. Robbed every award. Except for when Tony

got an award and I said, Rob, not really. Yeah, yeah. Jeff and I were both like, oh no, absolutely. Yeah. Not in the slightest. Tony deserves it. What did Tony win? Creativity. Creativity of spirit. Or something. Spirit of creativity.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. of spirit or something spirit of creativity spirit yeah yeah creative spirit yeah yeah um i have another thing i need to do last time because uh i don't know if you saw jeff jack's been swinging at me a little bit he's unhappy what does that mean oh you jeff or uh i don't know why i said jeff Jack does the Inside Gaming thing, you know, and he was listening to the podcast and heard that. I guess I was wrong about him being 51 and insulting his fruit filming ability.

So he wasn't happy about that. He provided some good reasons why. I circled back with Gavin. So I wrote an apology. I'd like to quickly read on my behalf to Jack because it was unfair. What I said. Very kind of you. Yeah.

Well, it's the first thing I'm going to do is because he doesn't when he does his previews, he looks at the images for context. So I wrote a fake apology first. So I'm going to post that. So you'll see that one. Should we read this out loud? Yeah, if you want, you can. I'm sorry, Jack.

That's in bold, big letters. Yep. I came at you for something that wasn't your fault. I was told by Gavin that I had received the final cut, but it was actually a rough cut. As someone who doesn't know a lot about filming or editing, this led to criticism that wasn't fair. You are a wonderful person with so much

talent, and I am sincerely sorry for questioning your major league status. You have never looked more youthful, and I hope you can forgive me, despite my minor league actions. That's my apology that he'll see. I wrote something else that I'd like to read very quickly.

Also titled Jack Apology. I sit here with you all today, bottomless but full-hearted, in my need to issue an apology to none other than Jack Shannon Petillo. Also commonly known as Minor League Jack, Major League Jack, and Valentine Hotel Owner. In a recent episode, I was under the false belief that you were 51 years old, but that was incorrect. You're an undeniably youthful 42.

I hope you know that my incorrect assumption had nothing to do with your wrinkled face, but was simply a miscalculation due to your wisdom beyond your years. As someone who shares your prune-like appearance due to my addiction of tubbing, I am jealous that I lack your wisdom and can only hope to be as thoughtful as you in the future. As far as my claims of being bad at filming fruit, I've since learned that couldn't be further from the truth.

You said you would like to see me do better, and I admit I could not. The camera on my phone was designed in 1905, and I do not have the knowledge or vast experience that you do when it comes to capturing moving images Unlike you I cannot say that I'm 42 and have been on set for several top productions Ranging from Twilight vamps to music videos such as the Dusk Boys UFO to music videos such as the Dusk Boys UFO. My declaration that you were bad at Fruit Director was not said from a position of me feeling citrus superiority,

but came from a trusting of Gavin. I was told by Gavin that I was sent the final edit, but what I was actually sent was a rough cut. I hope you can forgive my misguided criticism. You will always be my top choice to film Fruit. That is my Jack jack apology just had to get that out of the way where we continue not 52 or 51 42 much different youthful a youthful 42 oh god that's that's one of the better apologies sharing a wrinkled appearance is like what a fucking dig

well no it's listen man I like that I get all pruney in the tub yeah but you can unprune when you get out well Jack isn't pruney I'm jokes Jack can iron his skin Jack's great I love Jack I just wanted to make sure I covered

that I was telling Jack that I appreciate wanted to make sure I covered that. I was telling Jack that I appreciate that he didn't try and zoom because if he missed a fruit, there's nothing I could do about it. But if he doesn't zoom at all, I can just zoom in post. Yeah, well, I assume the cut that I got because when I asked Gavin for this,

the way that the fruit thing was described to me and why we have multiple versions was that the actual audio version would never release and it was completely fucked that's how it was my understanding so i asked for a an edited version or i just asked for the video and gavin asked me do you want the final cut or do you just want a rough cut and i thought well i might as well take a final cut if that's an option yeah i mean it didn't actually exist though like i had to i had to do it yeah but but you told me and and then like four or five days went by and then you're like ah finish the thing here take it and then i talked to you about this and you replied yeah well i did it in my edit i was like what are you talking about your edit

well you sent me the final cut you needed it i didn't give it to you the next day you like need that video when you're done so i cut something together for you because we're about to record. No, this was not- I gave you something. We're about to do a recording, so I figured you needed it for that. So, you know, I pulled together what I could in the time, and then I made improvements after the fact. There was no rush for you to send that to me. Let me look. Let me look at our chat. You're acting like I'm fucking every day going,

where's the fruit video? I mean, that was the vibe I got. I can't believe you're letting Jack off the hook because you were scared he wouldn't be able to frame properly. He's got a degree in film. He's worked in the industry for like fucking 18 years. What you just described, we could have replaced him with a ring door camera.

If you don't want him to move or follow the action at all in any way. He followed the action. He just didn't pinch to zoom as he was tracking it through the air. We got to be fair. Ring door cameras. For the next week on, uh, coming up next week on F*** Face, for the next week, should we just put

ding dong? Oh, no, all kidding aside, it sounds like you guys have a pretty heated situation you gotta work out here. I just, I don't know where this is coming from. November 27th. Andrew Panton. If you get a chance today, could you send me the edited

fruit video? Aggressive. So that immediately, by saying today, there was a deadline. Well, no, there was no... There's not a deadline, just I'm saying if you had it, because I think, let's go to the text. This expands multiple places. Search. Search conversation. Fruit. you had it because i think let's go to the text this expands multiple places search search conversation fruit wherever you're going you better believe american express will be right

there with you heading for adventure we'll help you breeze through security meeting friends a world away you can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Now, Gavin, what you read, was that the beginning of the conversation? Were there any pleasantries or niceties?

Okay. So you just, like, you pick up your phone, and you haven't previously been talking to Andrew, so just the first thing you see from him is, hey, get this to me today. Not hello. Not, hey, Gav, how's's it going i hope your day is going well uh had a lot of fun playing halo with you last night anyway i was wondering if you if you have a chance today and that thing is already done maybe bung it my way just a hey give it to me today

maybe yeah that was all i got that day and um, it completely boned me because I explored the video and just unchecked audio. And then, uh, a couple of days later, I had to upload a slow-mo export out, uploaded it. I was in an Uber on the way to,

I think something at Rooster Teeth. And I previewed the video on my phone, had no fricking audio because the, uh, the thing was still unchecked. Had to go all the way back, re-export it. Okay.

First of all, there's a whole side story with that. That's entirely your fault, that you didn't adjust your settings. That is my fault, but it was your fault that, I mean, that's not an option, that's not a button I usually check,

because who the Christ edits the entire video and then doesn't export the audio with it? I don't think you can blame your lack of attention to detail on Andrew in this way. You know what, I'll take the blame for that, but it was a direct result of Andrew's request. Well, side story to that, and then we're going to go back to the history of this whole fruit thing. Gavin just texted me with no context, you fucked me that morning. And I may have done something unrelated to that and so i read that and i went ah that thing that i i did played out and then has to look at his fucking list of things

he's currently doing to gavin to try to figure out which one of the nine it is well no that's the thing hey then i then reached out to someone else about it and the thing that i did actually didn't happen so i no longer knew what i had done to gavin so i had to circle back and say wait what how did i how did i fuck you what happened and then he explained that to me and i thought well that's your fault that's really not mine i didn't fuck you that was your as you said jeff not mine. I didn't fuck you. That was your, as you said, Jeff, lack of paying attention to detail. Now, for context, I'm going back in our text. I found when I asked it, I said, Tuesday, November 21st, could you send me the fruit throw video, both all audio pulled?

Obviously not tonight, but if that's possible, whenever is convenient for you. Gavin then replied like audio removed and i said yes i was gonna try something with it and then gavin said the raw video or edited and at that point this was maybe i made i i assumed incorrectly when you give me the option of one or the other i assume the edited is done i thought you had already edited it but i was asking you because i can give you the raw the raw video now if you want to edited it but I was asking you because I can give you the raw video now if you want to edit it

it's going to take a while that is where the communication broke down because I assumed it was either or it was already decided like you'd already edited that was the issue so that's what I'm saying if you get a chance today I think that you've already edited as of six days ago

and you just have forgotten because you're busy. So that was me trying to, like, politely be like, hey, I know you got a lot going on, typically. If you have a moment today, I'd like to be able to do this TPG thing. Like, I didn't tell you that, but that was just sort of the idea of, like, hey, if you have a chance, could you send me this

thing I thought you had already done? So that was just a miscommunication. I think, ultimately, there are no villains on that side, but the fucking you, your slow-mo thing was all your fault. Can I ask you guys a question? Of course. Have you both seen the video now? I haven't seen the final cut.

I haven't seen Gavin's final cut. I don't know if Gavin has seen mine. Is it any good? The Gavin final cut? No like the fruit throwing video Is it even a good video? I had fun watching it TPG and I had a good time

Would you agree Nick? That was a fun video That was a good video you guys did Nick's voice got pretty high there when he answered it Wait a second Hey Nick Are you going he answered it. Wait a second. Hey, Nick. Are you going to waste it? Say a few words. What? I'm talking. Hello. What's going on?

How are you? We've got to do a mask check. We can't be sleeping at the wheel here. That's why I noticed his voice sounding so high because I figure the mask would muffle the high pitch. Let me tell you, he don't think he's wearing it. Let me tell you, he's been high-talking all day today. It's been a lot of untrustworthiness

coming from Nick. What? A lot of questions. See? Listen to that. A lot of questions. Just a lot happening. Did you guys see the video I sent you on text last night i did yeah dude yeah how fucking crazy was that how did emily see that so we were i was

watching the uh memphis grizzlies uh basketball game last night and playing the new orleans pelicans and they just uh while i think John Morant was shooting a free throw, they cut to the referee. And right behind him was a lady breastfeeding a baby. And she just had her whole tit out. And Emily goes, that's a whole boob. And I went, no. And we had to stop and rewind.

And sure enough, she just had to. It was porn on TNT. It was crazy and what didn't even have a baby on it no the baby wasn't baby didn't seem hungry let me hold on I'll send it to you the best part is whatever you guys send videos in that group text because of my Android my shitty phone I see things like it's like Minecraft level quality of video so I have to watch the video like seven times to try to understand

what I'm supposed to be looking at. Don't worry that's how we see it too. That makes me happier. If you give it a couple of minutes the quality upscales for us. Oh is that true? Yes. Yeah. Hey and I only

recently figured that out. I had no idea that it did that. Yeah, I mean, I saw, when you sent that video, I went, I can't watch this, I gotta give it a second. Then I gave it a minute, and I came back to it, and I saw it all in HD. That changes everything. Yeah.

Got it in full screen. Oh, yeah. It wasn't the ref, it was the coach, sorry. Jesus Christ. That's quite the zoom that was nationally broadcast and for me what makes it funny is emily's commentary oh yeah well she's the one that oh yeah that's a tit i think she might have been the only person in the world who saw that when it happened. It was so brief and so like, why would you, how would you know? Nobody's looking at the crowd, you know, in an NBA game.

No. Just insane. That is a ridiculous thing to see. Not unappreciated. Well, yeah. I wonder how she feels about it. Emily? Oh, she had a blast.

No, the tit lady. Oh, I don't know. I don how she feels about it. Emily? Oh, she had a blast. No, the tit lady. Oh, I don't know. I don't know her. I feel like you have to be okay with it if you're doing it in a public form. I just don't think she probably appreciates being called the tit lady. Well, I don't know her name. I don't want to assume. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. All right, cool. Then good on you, man. Yeah. I mean, if tit lady wants to write in and provide a different name. Titlady! I don't know who else to cal- what is her name? Woman in the video?

Titlady. There's a lot of women in that video. Okay, Babylady. Is that better? Oh no, Gracie just said unreal. Eric, is enough time passed that I could rip on you a little bit now? I mean, at this point, I'm mostly numb. It doesn't fucking matter. I'm getting hammered everywhere.

It doesn't matter. I just need to address a note I have. I don't care. Go for it. Eric is a clumsy guy. Really? I mean, it's not true, but it's something I've been thinking about since we got breakfast. So it's been about a week of me going, am I?

And I haven't really dropped anything since. I always I mean, it's like going all the way back to when Eric was in Mega 64. You know, he's always kind of a cool dude. I always felt like it was weird for you to get hired at Rooster Teeth. Like you were I feel like cooler than a lot of people who work at Rooster Teeth. Like you were, I feel like cooler than a lot of people who work at Rooster Teeth. And then you started- It's an indictment on them.

You started shooting shampoo into your eye, almost choking in the shower. You choked on water in the Admirals Club. And then at breakfast, you somehow slung all, what was it? Like a bit of bread or something? Toast? Yeah, again, these are three incidents

in about the five years I've been working here. All of these incidents were in the last two months. Very weird. Very, very weird. I went to just, I mean, it's not like anything even happened. I ripped a piece of bread off of another piece of bread to like put some jelly on it for some toast. And it just flew out of my hand. But in a way where like there was no saving it it just

flew and i just kind of sat there it just went somewhere else though yeah it just flew away and it was like okay i guess probably three out of the four times i've hung out with you where yeah you just look like a like a blithering fool is very it was very very weird i'm uh not typically a club i can't think of the last time i did something like that i'm not very clumsy and uh that i mean you've got me dead to rights on that because i wanted that piece of bread so bad again been thinking about it for about a week so very it really stood out to me very i wonder if this will continue i feel feel like you should just keep tabs on it. Even if I'm not around, I kind of want to hear if you're being clumsy at home.

Yeah, I'll shoot you a text if I fuck up. Oh, dropped a spoon. Yeah, man. No problem. I had something happen to me similarly today at the grocery store. I was picking up some stuff for, well, some groceries, as you do. And I needed to get Splenda for Emily. And I picked up, I was walking, I was kind of in a hurry because I wanted to get back and do some stuff.

And so I just grabbed the Splenda off the shelf while I was walking, like in one fluid, very smooth motion. I looked very cool doing it. But my hand just let go of the Splenda. and it fell in front of me right as i was walking forward so i kicked the shit out not on purpose not like sometimes when you drop something and then you kick it to try to save it or like catch it on your foot you know uh i just it just fell into the path and i kicked it so fucking hard it went all the way down the aisle at H-E-B. It hit the ground and it just slid past the end cap into the back end of the store. And I just heard somebody behind me go,

whoa. And I turned around and there was just some like mom with a grocery cart watching it. And she just went, huh. And I was like, huh. And I had to run all the way down the aisle to get it. Dented the fuck out of it.

I did that with a toy piece of mail when I was a kid. I dropped it and I kicked it trying to catch it and it shot under the dishwasher and I never saw it again. And I had just like an empty plastic mailbox without a piece of mail to push into it. Does anybody in your family still live in that house? No. Sadly not. Do you think we family still live in that house? No. Sadly not.

Do you think we could go there and ask them? Like, just knock on the door of whoever lives there now and see if they haven't done a renovation, see if we can... I mean, if they still have that beige Hotpoint dishwasher, I'd be worried for them. Never know. They might have replaced it a couple years ago,

but found the mail and thought we'll hold on to this in case that little boy comes back an important letter you never know you think it'd be weird to move into the house you grew up in a lot of people do it they just buy their old house or it just like it's handed down from generation yeah i think it's an inherited thing i've thought about it a lot like my, my grandparents' house or, like, my parents' house or whatever, if that's something that, like, you know, is handed down or inherited or whatever. Like, I don't know how fully comfortable I would be in that kind of home. You know what I mean?

Like, would you? Because of the history? Yeah, like, where you go, and when I was four I remember this happening in this room and so now we're going to demolish this part of this room to build in a walk-in closet like there's just too much sort of like baggage

that comes with it to me that's an interesting I think I'm on your side about that yeah it does complicate renovation so much yeah exactly do you feel like it would like the baggage would be that it would like the baggage would be that it would be too emotionally difficult to make changes because it would be ruining your memories i i don't know that it would be like um i don't know that it's like necessarily

an emotionally difficult thing no but i i think it would be just it it wouldn't feel like my house it would feel like i'm doing something like to my parents house and that's also weird to me it's a very weird symbolic destruction of nostalgia of your life and having to evaluate if the literal destruction of the space that holds memories that were important to you is ultimately worth this walk in closet yeah that's what i was asking like it would it be difficult to make those decisions because you've you've got a lifetime of memories built up in that space i think so because you're also overwriting the memories like yes like my memory of the house where i threw the mail under the dishwasher

it's still exactly how i left it in my head but if it changed it became different i would feel like i would overwrite those memories you know sure i think i think i'd be fine about it because i suffered something one time that was so frustrating it kind of broke me for nostalgia in that way i realized i i fucking i'm steeped in nostalgia 99 of the time but at the the house where you know millieie was born, where I, you know, I lived back in the day when she was a kid, I used to mark her height on the door jam, you know, like I think most parents do for kids. And so I had her entire life mapped on that door jam. And then, Gav, we got those renovations done, you know, when we moved into the other house

for a little while, and then we moved back in after having all the renovations done uh you know when we moved into the other house for a little while and then we moved back in after having all the renovations done and uh there was some sort of a miscommunication and they fucking painted over the door jam and it was all gone and i lost all of her childhood markings and i tried to like sand the paint away a little bit but it was just gone it was just fucking totally gone and it had like from you know from the first time she stood until she was how old was millie back then probably like seven yeah yeah so probably like seven or eight years of her height and i was so it just like it fucking killed me and after that i just didn't give a shit anymore i didn't like i didn't even i did i was like well i'll just start from here but it's just like it felt ruined i don't know

sure it kind of ruined it kind of ruined. I don't know. Sure. It kind of ruined nostalgia in that way for me a little bit. That's such a bummer that it wasn't accessible under the paint. Yeah. Or that it wasn't super obvious. Don't paint over this. You know? Millie, 18 months.

Millie, age two. Millie, age four. You know? Exclamation point. And it was really nice when you started doing my height next to hers. I know! It would have been so great to continue it. And then your eventual shrinkage.

And you could see at what point you are now Millie 12 height. As an adult. Yeah, eventually he would come back down to when she was like a Benjamin Button scenario almost. But yeah, just because Gavin's old and she's not that much shorter than now. And the wedding with the with the heels, it was it was it was close. My childhood home is in this weird spot where it's the home identifies my childhood home is next to a mall and the mall wants to expand onto the block that the childhood home is on so over like the past 10 years anytime anyone has died or like a house has gone for sale the mall has bought that house with the intent of demolishing all of the

homes on that street to to create something new but there are people there that have tried to like hold out including a family friend and a neighbor of that of my my childhood home in my head um and so they're they're the only ones left every other house on that block is owned by the mall and they're the only ones preventing the demolition of that street so this is weird thing of knowing like at some point that childhood home will be destroyed and turned into additional parking but it's just been holding out have all the have all the other houses been demolished already or are they just like no they are stuck like they cannot begin construction if the mall gets impatient could that house end up between like a footlocker and a...

Just a Wetzel's pretzels in your kitchen? Yeah. This Lids is where I learned how to play soccer. Two things. One is, like, are people living in those other houses or are they alone in a ghost neighborhood? So they're renting the city or whoever owns them rents

out those other properties okay and then two we should get a plaque made and then stealth put it in the mall someday that's like here like the birthplace of andrew pantin get like a vancouver child kicker maybe like yeah just like hammer it into the ground or glue it into the ground somewhere make it look official putting a plaque up at a mall? I bet, like, how long do you think it would take for them to notice? I don't think they ever would. I think that they would, if you made it look official, they would just assume it was always there, or that somebody official did it.

Could we put a plaque up at an Austin mall? That says Andrew was born there? No, just something different, but I just feel like it could stay for ages. The fuck is oh fuck is andrew speaking i mean sure yeah i think so i think i think we should make 2024 the year of plaques where we try to put plaques around. Let's get a hold of a legit plaque company. Okay.

And then I guess we just need some 3M or something. We're going to have to get something made for Deputy Indiana when we eventually make our way down there, you know? Oh, is that what we've demoted the billboard to, a plaque? No, no, no. No, he wants to buy, remember, he wants to buy an acre or some shit so that way it's like the center of the universe or whatever it was yeah and then put like an obelisk that is but yeah i don't know we're gonna have the obelisk right so a plaque an obelisk speaking of i got some packages yesterday and i opened it up and i was very excited to have received a jeff dirt pen which was not at all expected because of the dirt situation uh and i

was like oh wow that's great they sent i can't believe it it came on through that's that's awesome and then i thought it was so funny i saw on our merch slack today that uh natalie who's part of the merch team was like i see it arrived we're gonna send you another one and if that works then we're gonna open it up to canada because i guess it's technically not supposed to be allowed but i am seeing how much dirt they can flip over the border yeah i am without knowing i was just like oh's so nice. They thought of me and they sent me a dirt pen. But no, I'm a guinea pig for illegal activity. As long as the second pen arrives. Canada, you're open to buying a dirt pen.

The whole new market is being added. It all hit, disclosed the dirt? I don't remember what was disclosed on the thing. On the inside, it was very clearly a dirt pen the way they listed the product but i think on the front it may have just been like merchandise is what it said so the future of canadians being able to buy those pins it's reliant on your second pin arriving and also i don't know if this is unrelated i don't know what it would be i don't think we have any new shirts

coming up but it was like we'll send you a pen and a shirt with this and it was like I felt like it would bribe almost of like you're gonna get a little extra there's a little something for your hard work did my Christmas gift arrive to you Jeff I sent you a Christmas gift not yet not that I'm aware of

it's supposed to deliver today can I just say well it's still early can I just say apologies in advance? I usually try to get you guys gifts every year. I was so distracted and overburdened by the wedding and all of that that I kind of dropped the ball on Christmas this year. So apologies, but I do love you all dearly. Love you all dearly. For the gift I got you, literally,

it was just a thing where I saw something and I was like, oh, that reminds me of Jeff. So I hope you enjoy it. Gracie, not okay with it. I'm going to have to... I'm sorry, Gracie. You know what, Gracie? I'm going to give you your very own Don Zimmer card.

I just got to dig one up. That's going to be... Thank you. Your Christmas gift. Thank you. There you go. I'm going to get you a desk. No, I don't.

We can all get desks for Gracie. Speaking of getting something, when does this episode come out, Nick? This comes out, I want to say the second week of the new year? It is. It's the week of the... It should be the 10th, I think. That means

I've got my new dog already. Oh, your new dog! Yeah, we get a new dog. Dog comes in week after Christmas. Getting a puppy. Yeah, and what's the dog's name? I'll tell you what it's not. Dog's name is not Artie. We've changed it. It's such a good name, though.

And you've changed it to what? Yeah, I thought that name was great. It was a great name. sorry to circle back and cut you off for a minute jeff that was the only moment i got back at jeff when he was trolling me with the the cock award stream is already the mascot locked out and i just texted him look it's your dog that was it that was the one so what's the dog's name? So Emily and I had discussed it. We talked about it at length. We came up with a new name because she was insistent we can't name it Artie now.

And I agree with her. But we also determined that we're not going to tell any of you what the dog's name is. You're just never going to know. We can't let you ruin the next one. So you're never going to know the dog's name ever for you know we're gonna i mean in the first year oh a hundred percent we're gonna know the dog's name right yeah okay we'll see we'll see maybe probably who knows we'll see how good emily is at uh at sticking to her her uh her guns here but uh i'm i'm I'm buttoned up, dude.

There's no way you'll get it out of me. I mean, I don't agree with that. Luckily for me, I keep forgetting what the name is. And Emily has to keep reminding me. So I'm really not that concerned about it. Secret dog. Secret dog. Secret dog.

Oh, good name. Interesting. I think I'm going to figure out the name of that dog, Jeff. Oh, I think we're absolutely going to figure out the name of the dog. How long do you think it'll take for us to figure out the name? Oh, you guys want to put some bets? Okay. Let's... I mean, like, over under June, I think is probably...

February. Yeah, like, definitely. I think we'll get it in the first six months, yeah. All right, so... Well, you can't all just agree first six months. That's not fun for betting. Everybody pick... All right, so Gavin thinks in May.

I'm saying February. Andrew says February. Eric? I'll say June. June? I'll say June, yeah. I bet we'll have it before Nick wears the mask. Oh!

Oh, wow! Nick and Gracie, care to weigh in? End of March. Into March. I say February. February. Wow. Okay.

I will say that if anybody gets the name of the dog, I have a feeling it'll be Gracie, and I don't know why. I haven't learned to distrust her as much as y'all yet, so my guard might be down around her. How does trust come into it? You don't trust us? No.

Oh. Do you trust me? She'll read the tag. That's a good point. Yeah, I mean, do you trust me? And if so, why? Good point. Thank you.

That's a great point. What a fun little podcast today has been. It has been. Do you think we're good? Do you think that this is enough for an episode at this point? Why, you're going to lay some bonus shells? Well, here's the thing. I have something else, but it might need to be completely edited out of this podcast.

So I want to make sure that we have enough for the episode. Okay. Okay. So let's do, let's do the outro and then we'll do your bit. And if it stays in, then people know that things are happening. But if it's edited,

if you only hear the outro, you know that it did not come together yet. I think that's a great, I think that's a great point, but real quick, before we do that, I want to circle back around to one thing. Gavin, I meant to ask

you this in the moment, but we got distracted. Are you going to continue to get your asshole waxed? Because I kind of think, I mean, irrespective of jet skis and stuff, because I kind of feel like I'm an asshole waxer guy now. I don't know that I want to go back. I think I would do it again. Yeah, I think I might

be, I think I might talk to Elise and see if I can. Because the wiping, the wiping is so good. Yeah, it's really improved. That's so interesting. It's really improved, uh, my shitting experience. I just feel so clean all the time. You feel clean, and then if you wear your shit shades, you'll feel clean and cool at the

same time. Awesome. What a combo. But you're okay with walking around with like cheeks spread for a little while? Well, as long as I don't do it in public, I think. You will, though. You'll get used to doing it. It'll become second nature. Well, we went to work the other day. I didn't do it there.

That's a good point. Not that I, I mean, my perspective was narrow. I didn't see it. Okay. Anyway, that was kind of what I figured is was narrow. I didn't see it. Okay. Anyway, that was kind of what I figured, is that you're probably open to doing it again. Because I think it's changed my life a little bit. Do you want to, in this episode,

do you want to talk about what made Eric made that expression at breakfast? Or are we going to wait for that to happen? Oh. Look, here's the thing. I think we wait. I don't know. How about this?

How about this? Put the picture up. Oh, perfect. That way I can make it the thumbnail for the episode. And then for the next week, the audience can speculate on how Gavin and I,

or, yeah, I guess Gavin and I, made Eric, Gavin and I made Eric make that face. Okay, so for those watching the video version, Jeff came up with an idea that made Eric do this. Well, Gavin was a part of it, too. And I was a part of it. I love it. It's such a great photo.

That's such an honest reaction. And you can see some bread that I pulled apart and the other piece is on the ground somewhere. For those who are listening, it's Eric physically gesturing, but why? It's just the perfect physical embodiment of that. Yeah, he's not a happy man in the moment. And he wasn't happy after that

for the next 15 minutes when we really hammered him with this idea. Do you think the moment and he wasn't happy after that and uh for the next 15 minutes when we really hammered him with this idea i mean definitely absolutely yeah yeah bread was on the floor at this point yeah um yeah and and i was just uh the idea just kept going and i kept going why why why and it's great though is that is that Nick is a part of this plan and I feel like Nick was more enthusiastic about it. Oh yeah, Nick loved the idea, but it's Nick. So did you hear how he didn't sound high pitch there?

Did I say that? Something to think about, you know? Well, Nick has the coolest part of the whole deal, so I can see why he'd be so jazzed about it. Ridiculous. Okay, let's do the outro and then we'll do Andrew's thing and see what happens.

Okay. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week. That was the outro. That was... What a fucking weird pause, dude. It was like you forgot you had to do it.

No, I just gave it a little space. I think he's just eager. I wanted to have a little bit of head there in case he needed some room to massage it in or out. I don't know. Maybe do it again? Yeah. I'm just trying there in case he needed some room to massage it in. I don't know. Maybe do it again?

Yeah. I'm just trying to help Nick out. Maybe some cool stuff. I don't know how that would help him at all. Hey, thanks for listening to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. Boy, do I have an idea for you. How about I call you to action? Why don't you go tell all of your friends,

strangers, parents, teachers, co-workers, enemies, all about this F*** Face podcast. Tell them you gotta listen to an episode. You gotta check it out. It's gonna blow your f***ing dick off your body, and then it's gonna put it back on for you.

That's how good it is. We'll see you next week. That was great. Perfect outro. Didn't say the URL. No, I mean, the call to action really didn't help us. That's true. That's actually true. I told people to tell people to check out the podcast.

Yeah, I stand by what I said. Check it out at... F***FacePod.com And sign up to support the show directly at... F***FacePod.com Spend money on... F***Face. We also do Let's Plays again. That's how you f***face. We also do Let's Plays again.

That's how you support us the most. We do Let's Plays again. Watch our Let's Plays. It's Let's Plays by f***face. And we also have other stuff. Jesus Christ. Does It Do is coming out at the end of,

I mean, I think the week of the 21st. Yeah. I think the week of the 22nd. Yeah, I think that the week of the 22nd. Thanks, Eric. We did another, a whole other season of Does It Do? Check it out on F*** Face. Spend some money.

Shady Rays paid for it, so you guys get to watch it for free. That's just, you know, something. You guys get to watch it for free, but buy some Shady Rays. Do I need to record ads this week? Am I good? It sounds like he got it hey guys Major League Fan Jack here with a look at next week's episode of F*** Face all that

and more on next week's episode of F*** Face We'll see you next time.