Regulation Podcast - Burger Tablet//Emailing the Queen of Apes [7]

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about a Microsoft Surface contest, a stolen Battle Bus, a whole new genre of entertainment, and movie theater stories. Sponsored by Mack Weldon. For 20% off your first order, visit http://mackweldon.com/face and enter promo code face. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome to F*** Face Episode 7, a podcast about your penis and your mouth and the places you put them. My name is Jeff Ramsey and with me as always, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. Hello. How's it going guys? Hello. I'm good. I'm just curious what any big events happen in your guys's week the last week like if you had to describe things that had happened in the last week what would be the notable things? I had well yes I had it's something I want to talk about today. I did something very, very cool yesterday that I want to show you guys, and it's a big event for me because I think it's brilliant

and the realization of a really cool idea. Or do you mean like did I get married or have a kid or something? No, just like how was your week? If someone said what happened in your week, what would you say? Up and down. How about you? Up and down. I meant you? Up and down. I meant more like a specific event type thing. Oh my God, just tell us.

I can tell you that my grill outside has never lit. I've always had to shove like an actual lighter down into the gas area and then it goes and it scares me. But I found that there's like a nine volt battery hanging out that you can change. And then I did that and now it sparks and lights itself. Oh, your igniter was dead? Yeah. And I'm so happy that I can light it now.

I've only grilled like twice, but still, it's very exciting. The idea of you grilling anything fucking terrifies me. It really does. If it makes you feel better, I'm mainly doing sort of, of you know impossible meat and fake sausages so i can't kill myself oh okay well that's good i have i actually have a andrew i know you're going somewhere with this i actually have a grill related face uh that i had completely forgotten about until this moment i just when i when i got i was a big i got, I was a big, I used to be a big griller. I used to be a big smoker and griller. It's like every dickhead with a tattoos and a

beard in Texas is like a big green egg thing. Yeah. And so I used to have a bunch of grilling related stuff and I left it at the old house, uh, when, when, when I got, when we got divorced and moved out. And so when I got my new house, I, uh, I wasn't ready to get back into grilling yet. And so I bought like a tiny little like hibachi that's on the ground. And I've been using that for a year and it worked fine. But I just got kind of fucking sick of bending down on my knees or watching my dog bump into it and being scared she's going to knock the fucking grill over. So I started doing research and I bought this thing called a PK grill. I started doing research and I bought this thing called a PK grill.

And, uh, if you, uh, if you are a fan of real housewives of Beverly Hills, it has nothing to do with PK or PK. Um, and you guys won't get that reference at all, but that's okay.

Guy, uh, anybody that is a, a real housewives fan definitely will think that that was hilarious. Looks like a, like a silver little, that looks just like a, mine's black.

It's graphite. It's, uh, it's kind of cute and old and uh kind of 50 ish anyway so i wanted to buy one and grills are actually a little hard to find right now because of quarantine and you know everybody's cooking at home and so i found this one uh i won't call them out locally but i found this one local place that listed that they had them and so i went I, it said they had one in stock. And so I bought it on like Saturday night when I was thinking about it. I was like, I'm going to fucking rip off the bandaid and finally buy this thing. It's kind of expensive, but I've been grilling on my knees for a year. I deserve to at least stand up and grill.

And I've always been interested in this thing, but I've done a lot of research on it. And the airflow system is supposed to be really cool. Yada, yada, yada. So last Saturday night, I said, fuck it. I'm going to buy it because it's a, they have in-store delivery available and they'll even bring it out to your car, you know, cause of safety concerns because of coronavirus and stuff. And so I bought it and they sent me an email immediately and said, Hey, awesome. You can come pick it up tomorrow between 10 AM and 6 PM., but don't come wait for us to send an email to tell you a designated time. So I went, no problem. So I waited until like two or three in the afternoon, and it still hadn't gotten the email, and I was

planning on grilling that night. And so I call them, and I'm on the hold, and eventually I'm on hold forever, and they hang up on me. And I'm like, you know what, it's just down the road, fuck it. So we get in the car, we drive over there. I walk in and I go, yeah, I bought a grill online. I'm supposed to pick it up today. And they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I go, I bought a grill. Here's the receipt. I show it to them and they're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

That's a great grill. We don't have that. And I go, your website tells me you do. You have it tells me you have a grill. And and they go now, now we don't. Um, if you bought it, uh, that it'll go into our system and we'll order it. And I go, oh, all right. Well, I feel a bit duped, but whatever. I've already paid for it. I just want to get the fucking grill. When can I get it? And he goes, well, the truck comes in on Thursday. This is Sunday, by the way, he goes, the truck comes in on thursday this is sunday by the way he

goes the truck will be in on thursday and it's a big truck so it'll take us a couple days to unload it and uh and you can probably pick it up saturday and uh you know exactly seven days after i ordered it and i was a little miffed about that but i was like oh fucking christ okay and have i told you guys this story no no okay i can't remember. No. Okay. I can't remember. I told somebody recently, but I can't remember who it was. I'll be honest. You were pretty deep into the story. Yeah, imagine if we just would have sat here and listened to you retell a story for five

minutes. I had the question. I had the question earlier in my head, but I didn't give myself a break speaking. Like, my mouth was already off to the races, and I had to catch up to it. So my brain and my mouth work independently of each other often. So anyway, so I'm like, I'm kind of pissed because it's like, I fucking ordered this grill because I said it was in stock and it's going to take seven days to get here.

But whatever. I wake up Monday morning and the first fucking thing I do is I check my email and I get an email from these people saying, hey, we got your grill in stock. Come pick it up. And I'm like, I just talked to the dude less than 24 hours ago. So I in there and they go uh oh you're that guy that had the grill huh and i go yeah i'm the fucking guy who was here yesterday and they go yeah we got your grill it's the floor model though but don't worry about it we put it together for you so it's all done and i look at

the instructions and i go oh yeah no no i don't want to put this together this looks like a nightmare okay and so he helps me load the floor model in and I'm and I get home and as I'm setting it up in my backyard I realize it's covered in scuffs like it's at least a year old it's got like an inch of dust all over everything and it's missing about a third of the components so I got most of the fucking grill I paid for all of a grill I didn't want to go back and deal with those people again so I just bought everything on the website that I was missing. Like, fuck it. It's worth it to never go to that place again and talk to those people again.

And so I ended up getting most of a grill and it mostly works, but I'm still waiting on little things like the temperature gauge, you know. That's my grill story. Sorry. Anyway, Andrew, you were saying something about an event. Wait, you don't have a temperature gauge? No, not currently.

But at least you don't have to bend down anymore, right? That's a great point. Yeah, I don't have to bend down. Yeah, I mean, I go by feel anyway, so it was fine. When you said floor model at first, I thought for a split second, maybe it's like a version without a stand. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.

I was imagining it literally being on the floor. Yeah, then I understood Wait, is the temperature Is that the thing in the front that tells you how hot The barbecue is? That's kind of important Did you just ask if the temperature gauge tells you how hot? Well, I don't know

I don't know what that part is called I'm assuming that's what the temperature gauge is I think it's called a thermometer Okay, well that works too I don't know, I thought we were using official barbecue lingo here It's all in on the temperature gauges, but I'm not gonna, you know. I think it's called a thermometer. Yeah. Okay. Well, that works, too. I don't know. I thought we were using official barbecue lingo here. I was all in on the temperature gauge. Coming in with a simple thermometer comment.

Gavin, we're talking barbecue. We're talking meat heat. It's a serious meat. My story, I kind of have a thing to talk about, too. Revolving grills. Could be grill. Okay. I'm just gonna, these are the events of my week,

and it doesn't feel like I've had a really weird week. It's just been a week. I broke a toe. What? I broke a toe by accident. I'm fine. Did you stab it on a fire extinguisher? Oh.

You know me too well. No, I opened a door angry. I should have had a nap. I should have had a nap before I... Oh, you were on the way to your hate nap. I was on the way to your hate nap i was on the way to my hate nap yeah doors are dangerous uh i was just yeah it's frustrated and i opened the door like as violently as i could and i didn't know my foot was in the path and my toe bent back and when you're in pain you kind of tense up so i was just holding the door left so it wouldn't give any relief and

then i kind of move forward and i'm pretty sure I broke my toe. So that was this part of my week. You seem like such a gentle soul. I can't imagine you really pissed off. I really can't even picture that. It's just one of those things where you think you've solved the problem, but it keeps adding. Jeff is very familiar with this concept. It just doesn't get fixed, and you just keep going back to it.

And I just had enough and I got injured on my way to my hate nap. The second thing Gavin knows about this, Jeff doesn't. I won a Microsoft Surface because I wanted a free burger. And also because of The Last of Us 2. Yeah, you phrased it as

you got all worked up over The Last of Us 2. So you won a free Microsoft Surface. Yeah. But real quick, before that, why did you let me talk for you got all worked up over last of us too yeah so you won a free microsoft surface yeah but real quick before before that why did you let me talk for 20 minutes about a mediocre grill story when you were hanging onto a broken toe well i should have told me to shut the fuck up i didn't know we didn't know it was a mediocre girl story until you got to the end i was hoping there'd be a big twist i was waiting improve on it, Jeff. You could still walk out, go out there, slam the tip

of your dick in your new grill, and then you'd be like, oh. Dude, it would rip my dick off. Dude, I would have no dick. Oh, God. That'd be painful. It would rip my dick right off. It's like cast iron. It's like a weird strongman competition. You're gonna start slamming your dick on items. Well,

I'm like Mr.toff from the gym side circus congratulations on your surface yeah so i was playing the last of us 2 and that's a stressful game i don't know if you've ever played those it's it's intense i stopped for a little bit because i got a bit sad with the story so i just took a little break yeah i was maybe like 30 minutes in i was really early and i was stressed and i was like fuck this game i need to disconnect so i went to my spam folder just to see what was there because i figured that would be boring it's like it's like a digital hate nap yeah exactly i went to my spam folder and i had an email from microsoft rewards saying hey you have points i was like oh cool i have points let me look at that and i only had like 50 points um this month and i i clicked i had like

5 000 and i know they give gift cards out on month and I clicked I had like 5,000 and I know they give gift cards out on Microsoft rewards and I was like man it'd be cool can I get a free burger that'd be awesome I'd love a free burger right now so I looked I needed twice as many points as I needed to get the free burger to get a gift card so they have this dumb pinata game where you can click it and you can randomly get points I've done it before and I almost never win. I did that like three times and I won a surface. So I was trying to get a burger and I ended up with a Microsoft service. So it was a pretty good night.

How'd it taste? You know, I'll let you know in a week. You should exclusively order burgers on that service. The burger tablet? I like it. How does that work then? Do you have to sign up for microsoft rewards i don't think i've ever even heard of that so i have so many of those points you don't you don't uh you don't use microsoft rewards gavin i don't think so do i have that automatically or do i have

to start i don't know it seems crazy to me that you wouldn't have you've been on xbox live for over a decade the fact that you've never registered let me try it let me see if i can log in see if i actually have it. I'll tell you something crazy, Andrew. So we used my credit card at Roost Teeth for about five years for all video game purchases. And so I get rewards for all of that. And I've never used my Microsoft rewards. I forgot they existed until just now.

But I get an email every month that's like, you got 8,000 points this month. You got 6,000 points this month. I must have 100,000 fucking points. I would love to know how many yeah I don't know if they expire not that's a great you should look at shit 24200 lifetime points 14200 available points, so I guess I let some expire I didn't even know I had this you can get a burger for that or a Tesla or something I want to sit here and play the pinata game hundred points redeem reward. Oh

If you win a surface what a deflating moment that is for me Or a Tesla or something. I want to sit here and play the pinata game. 100 points, redeem reward. Oh. Ooh. If you win a surface, what a deflating moment that is for me. Everyone put its surfaces left and right. The least significant prize. I would love it if you spent 14,000 points and don't win a surface. Do I? Okay, one entry. Play now.

You have to click. You can click it. If you want to have fun, you click it and it'll break within three clicks. Or you can just say, tell me if I won. It'll open or not open. I want to click it. I want to do click it. If you want to have fun, you click it, and it'll break within three clicks, or you can just say, tell me if I won. It'll open or not open. I want to click it. I want to do it. Yeah, you got to have fun.

You got to enjoy the experience. Play now. Confirm your... Oh, this is a whole thing, isn't it? Yeah, carry on. This is going to take me some time. So, yeah. So, I won a surface.

That was pretty cool. And then the third thing that happened this week is... This is kind of a hard thing to explain. I have a friend who I sent a 19-foot inflatable battle bus to, and they had their garage broken in two. What is a battle bus? A battle bus is a thing in Fortnite. You hop out of it at the start of the match. You fly over.

I don't feel like I need to explain further. Everyone knows what Fortnite is. I like that we explained PUBG just a mere moments ago, but now Fortnite, you just say Fortnite. Well, Fortnite's a bigger game, I feel like I need to explain further. Everyone knows what Fortnite is. I like that we explained PUBG just a mere moments ago, but now Fortnite, you just say Fortnite. Well, Fortnite's a bigger game, I feel like. Yeah, and more culturally relevant. Yeah, I'd agree with that. Womp womp, we're sorry you didn't win this time.

Big loser over there. Winner over here. So anyway, I mailed it to this person. We're talking one night about Spencer's G and like the Spencer's gifts still exist. And if they do, what are they doing? It's impossible. I don't see how Spencer's gift obviously before pandemic would survive. Like who's buying stuff from Spencer's gifts now?

And so we went on their website and they do. Do you remember how like in the back of Spencer's gifts, they'd have all like the kind of weird sex stuff like it'd be like dumb merchandise in the back of Spencer's gifts, they'd have all like the kind of weird sex stuff? Like it'd be like dumb merchandise in the front, like lava lamps and whatnot. And then there'd be kind of weird like sex. What is Spencer's gift? Is that like a geeky junk sort of shop?

It's like where merchandise goes to die in the life cycle. Like say you get like a Family Guy t-shirt at a, let's say it's at Dillard's. And then a year later, that shirt is at Target. Say you get a Family Guy t-shirt at, let's say it's at Dillard's. And then a year later, that shirt is at Target. And then six months later, that shirt is at Walmart. And then it's at Spencer Gifts. It's like the bottom.

It's like one step. It's like right outside is the dumpster where licensed merchandise goes to die. And it filters through Spencer on the way to the dumpster. It's a store that when you're eight eight you think has edgy merchandise. Yeah, like they'll sell a bar of soap with a hole in it and it's like, put your dick in it. Edgy. Yeah, and so they had a gaming section.

Also a lot of sex toys on their front page at that time. They're just all in on that. Anyway, they had a gaming section and I looked and they had a Fortnite section and the most expensive thing they had was a 19 foot Or no 19 foot long 18 foot high battle bus that you could inflate Which is the dumbest thing nobody needs this and so we're talking before like a kid's birthday in a field What would that be? I don't know. It's the size of an actual bus. It's huge. It's a massive

Yeah, it's like a bus sized inflatable battle bus bus and so we're talking and it's like well we need to have this but what do you do with battle bus so i said i will buy this i will send it to you if your roommate will live a full week with it inflated in his room that is much smaller than the dimensions of the battle bus i will get that person something nice. I don't know what it is. We could figure it out later. I don't know what they want. I will get them something.

And they agreed to it. So I mailed it and they lasted one day with the battle bus fully inflated. I have videos and stuff I could post. That was it? One day? They lasted. Well, I guess what happened was the position the battle bus was in was over like one of the vents and it was sucking

in all the cold air and spitting it out hot as the inflatable with the fan so it was apparently extremely hot in there and he was done after a day. So he never got anything but this person was recently their garage was broken into and they have

all sorts of vans, collectible shoes. You know that'll hurt you jeff and they had all this like corning equipment and all this stuff and the entire time he's talking about losing all these important expensive items i'm just thinking where's the battle bus is the battle bus okay did they steal the battle bus and i asked they did not steal the battle bus but they took it out of the cardboard and rolled it out to try to figure out what it was and that's just the funniest fucking thing to me imagining that you're in the middle of robbing someone and you're like what is this heavy box and then opening it to find a 19 foot battle bus and then rolling it out and then having to have a conversation about do we steal this is this

is this worth something what is this how much how much was it worth this thing oh it was like 500 bucks 450 oh my god damn dude yeah we as a group like came together to buy this this battle bus but i just love the idea these people are breaking into you know like oh shit these are great these are expensive rare shoes all this recording what is oh a battle bus just any conversation those people had to have regarding if it was stealable i imagine be very heavy too and just yeah that was my week i imagine the thieves unrolling it and looking at it and going you know what i don't feel bad about robbing these fuckers because they had a 19 foot battle bus these guys are fucking losers fuck fortnight

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Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. I did something the other day. I talked about it in the last podcast that I'm really excited about that I think is a whole new genre of entertainment. And I sent it to you guys on Discord.

I want you to look at an image and see. Do you see what it is? That's beautiful. Oh my God. How did you... So you had to like, did you have to stop and like pre-plan the next letter? Yeah, so what I, I'll put this up online somewhere.

I thought about just posting it on Instagram today and just saying explanation to come. But what I've been doing, I mentioned it probably in a couple other podcasts, but I ride my bike every day. I try to ride for about 30 miles. And I got it into my head because there's all these apps. Like Under Armour makes an app, and I have this one called Pacer where you can record your bike rides or your walks or your drives or whatever.

And so I've been recording all of my bike rides, and I thought it would be cool someday to layer all those on top of each other. And then maybe someday try to, I try to ride my bike on every street in Austin within the city limits. Like I'd like to like fill the map out, like think of it like a video game, like just complete that quest and, and, and ride my bike down every single street in Austin that it's legal to ride a bike on. Obviously not the interstate or Mopac or, you know or that kind of thing. Yeah. But no highways. But just every surface street. And so I've been kind of doing that, not intentionally, but I record my bike rides every day. And at some point, I'm going to figure out the technology, how to put it all together and see what I have left to do so that I can

turn my bike rides into a video game challenge. But it struck me, you could write shit. Yeah, so looking at this, you've had to, I assume, start with the F? I started with the F at Speedway. I started at 38th Street and Speedway. So I assumed you would go to the top right of the F and backtrack down to make the middle? 100%.

So I drove from, on my bike, I drove up 38th Street to Guadalupe. And then I drove, took a ride on Guadalupe and drove to 42nd Street and then back and then backtrack

and then down, I think, to Avenue C and then in a bit and then down. And anyway, in the course of that, I spelled the word fart

in a bike ride just to see if I could. My girlfriend and I did it. And, uh, basically what we did was I, I, we got to the neighborhood and I, I took a screenshot of the map and then we just drew on our iPhones, the best letters we could F A R T and tried to make them connect. And the goal being to never turn off or pause the recording. Uh, so I had to, I had to do it in one, you know, in one smooth motion. I had to backtrack and stuff. But yeah, I think it took about 30 minutes to do. It got to the point where I got pretty

good at it. I was riding with my phone in one hand, watching me draw on the map as I rode. And then we would stop. And then it was quite a painstaking process. But yeah, it took us about 20, 30 minutes and I was able to spell the word fart in my bike ride. And I'm very proud of that. I think that's brilliant. And I'm hoping this ushers in a whole new era of people doing like bicycle map art. Like you could do like a butthole or a giant penis or, you know, face. You could write face yeah and so i i the possibilities are endless i'll be honest though you've switched between capital letters and lowercase there i did what i had i did what i could and i'll be honest with you uh emily and

i disagreed about some of the letters like she i was not i i wasn't crazy about the way we did the f and the a but i will admit i will concede that uh we we did her out and that worked out better but i still think the r to the t could have been better you are such a stickler for lettering remember the arguments that we used to have trying to write stuff in minecraft like the obsidian and how we could never agree on where the where the n should be formed because we only had several pixels. My font treatment for it has been terrible. Anyway, yeah. And so I challenge, I give,

and obviously every idea I've ever had, 3,000 people had before me. Yeah. It's been the story of my life. Like fucking Flora's Lava, the Netflix show, which I pitched to Netflix and they already had it in development. God damn it.

You pitched it to Netflix? Yeah, remember when we did, do you remember when we did Lava, the Netflix show, which I pitched to Netflix, and they already had it in development. God damn it. You pitched it to Netflix? Yeah, do you remember when we did Lava Chicken? Yeah. Like two years ago or whatever? We pitched that to Netflix as a show called Flora's Lava, and they were like, yeah, it's already in development. I'm like, fuck. I bet it wasn't. They were just like, yeah.

It takes two years to make a Flora's Lava show? It seems hard to believe. These things take time. So I like this challenge, Jeff, because it's good exercise. And honestly, the further you go, the longer the distance, the more resolution you have to play with. You could do some fancy lettering. Yeah. What you really need is an app where other people can write over your shit.

Like a physical version of Splatoon. Yes, absolutely. We need some sort of an app where other people can write over your shit. Like a physical version of Splatoon. Yes. Absolutely. We need some sort of an app. People that make apps need to create some sort of a cool app that encourages bicycle map art and also some sort of competitive thing like

Splatoon or Tony Hawk Pro Skater where you can write over each other's territory and shit. The whole untapped market, I assume, without ever having looked to see if this exists already, and it probably does, and is hugely popular. Much like when we made Red vs. Blue and we thought we invented machinima, and we found out that it had existed for like 15 years,

and we were fucking stupid. I assume that I'm fucking stupid here, but I had the idea to spell the word fart with my bicycle on a map, and I couldn't be happier with the results. Was there much debate over what word to spell? No, no debate. Well, yeah.

Emily likes caca. She wanted to do caca, but I like fart. I like fart. And I'll probably do poo and ass as a Simpsons reference for Gus and I'll do f*** face and I would like to draw a big

veiny dick but I'm not sure how to do veins and stuff yet but I'll get there but I hope the audience does too. I like the idea because you're trying to do this in one smooth motion that there's some sort of emergency halfway through one of your words and you're like nah I can't stop I gotta keep going i gotta smooth out this letter yeah a little bit yeah what what for sure there there is a little bit of that where you're like i'm riding

in the middle of the road because i want to make a straight line and there's a car behind me honking and i'm like fuck you dude go around if i if i go to the right i'm gonna have a squiggle in my tea i'm not doing a squiggly tea. But it's essentially cursive, right? Like, it's block letters, but it's essentially cursive in that I couldn't break the line at any point. Now, are you going to have to go to a different area? Like, do you, even though, I mean, I'm sure you do another run, Fart isn't permanent here. But would you feel like you're going over your own, like, design?

Oh, like, do I need to find to find like have i filled that chalkboard yeah like even though that's not permanent do you feel like you could go over this again or is this route now done you can't touch it no i could go over it again i think okay that's the that's the fart route but we'll make more it makes me wonder how many times have i accidentally written something without ever realizing 100 yeah i bet i've walked a good poo without knowing yeah yeah it's like when you it's like when you do the word scramble and you know you're supposed to circle find the the words and circle it and you're like and then you see a word that's not on the list and you're like tree there's a fucking they snuck an extra tree in here it's it's essentially that if we could somehow get live tracking this would be the greatest game ever just trying to

guess what the word is as you're fucking spelling it with your or do you like or like or you could even do uh i'm giving out million dollar ideas here but you could you remember like twitch plays pokemon you could be like twitch spells shit and then twitch like votes and tells you were to write and you'd have to do it? Twitch spell shit. That's a great idea. I know that it's not yours and other people have done it. It's a great idea though. Yeah, it's like you modernized writing something dumb on an Etch-A-Sketch. It's a lot more work.

I respect it. It was a lot of work because it was about 100 degrees when I did it. I'm so surprised an Etch-a-Sketch was so successful. It's impossible to do anything on those. But the people that can, though, they're fucking wizards. Oh, it's amazing. They're amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

My ex-wife was quite the Etch-a-Sketch artist for sure. Yeah, I saw some of those. Yeah. You think you're just naturally good at that or is that a practice? I mean, obviously you practice whatever, but I was garbage from a starting point. I think it's both. I think I could practice every day for the rest of my life and not be as good as somebody practice i mean obviously you practice whatever but i was garbage from a starting point i think it's both i think i could practice every day for the rest of my life and not be as good as somebody who could just pick it up and it has is naturally talented at art do you do you guys have a go-to

thing that you could draw like i can't draw anything really but no if you had something do you like draw a house or anything simple no i can draw a face that's looking up and smiling really well. You can draw a face? Yeah. Not like a realistic face, like a cartoon face. There is a guy... Could you do one now?

No, I don't have paper. I don't have a pencil. I couldn't. Here's a question. Do you have a bicycle? Can you bike it? Yeah, let's bike this. Well, I don't...

You know what? How would that work? I'd have to... I don't know. You know when you're learning to drive a car and how parallel parking is more mechanic? Like you measure up using mirrors and stuff? It's not you're going by eye.

It's a system you use. That's why I can draw that. There's an art teacher that came in in grade four and taught the whole class how to do that. So I know how to make the lines. That's the only thing I can draw, though, because I have no natural drawing ability. I just really want to see it somehow.

I think you should walk it out or bike ride it out, but, I mean, depending on the complexity, you might have to, like, cut through people's houses and shit. Yeah, that might be tough. I'm okay with that. I'm committed, though. I'll figure that out. I can't even imagine what that looks like,

a face looking up. I'm trying to imagine what that looks like a face looking up Can you please tweet us to draw this and tweet it to us You know what actually I don't think the angle even really makes sense cuz like you see the fate You just can you scroll it on like a note. Do you have a phone that you just like do it? Oh, I literally have nothing I can write with right now. I got I don't have a thing I got a fire hydrant and that's it. That's the only thing I got on my desk. It's right to my wall.

That seems like overkill, but I'm prepared to use it. Have you ever seen a fire hydrant go off? You can't aim those. It's like a bomb. It's like a grenade. They just explode everywhere. It's a mess. The hydrant in the street or the extinguisher?

Did I say hydrant? I meant extinguisher. Yeah, that's what I was... Have you seen how big a hydrant in the street or the extinguisher? Did I say hydrant? I meant extinguisher Have you seen How big a hydrant is? Like how deep underground they go They're giant, they're massive The hydrant bit sticking out the top is just the top of them It's crazy

It makes total sense It's like an iceberg Yeah, I'm gonna post one for you Is it like a well? Is it like well length? I have to vamp? Andrew, what's new in your world? Oh, I have an update.

I have something I want to talk about that's going to make no sense because this is going to come out two weeks after. We're recording two back-to-backs so it conversationally makes sense now, but when this airs, it's going to be so old. So orangutan, orangutan. Big revelation for me. I was really upset when we finished recording.

I refused to believe that I was completely in the wrong. So I looked into it, and I found multiple sources that said orangutan was appropriate. Some multiple spellings of orangutan. Yeah, but that's probably just, like, one of those incorrect spellings and uses that is so commonly misused that it becomes real. I'm ten steps ahead of you, Gavin. It becomes, like, colloqu it becomes real. I'm ten steps ahead of you Gavin.

It becomes like colloquially, yeah. Yeah. Ten steps ahead. You wanna try again? I'll be quiet. Colloquial? Colloquial? Colloquial. Who is good at the end of- I can't say colloquial, I can't say it right now. Why can't I say the word?

You wanna give it another shot? I kinda want to. Colloquial. Colloquial. colloquial colloquial colloquial colloquial god damn it i can't keep going get it it's frustrating you say it colloquialism yeah but colloquially colloquially there you go thank you oh add that to like collective dole or whatever what was the the mispronunciation you had collect collect a dole what was that anyone remember no color oh uh a fishable a fishable i was not even in the right sport i was in a different state with what i thought that was i was off anyway i hear what you're saying and i agree who knows maybe common mistake maybe it's such a mistake it's so common i think it's insane neither of you would Who knows? Maybe common mistake. Maybe it's such a mistake. It's so common.

I think it's insane. Neither of you would hurt it. But I could accept maybe it's a common mistake so they kind of allow it. So I thought, who should I? Like, I need to clear this up. I can't have this be a mystery in my life. So I reached out to the Queen of the Apes. I sent Jane Goodall an email.

What? Looked up her institute. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. I mean, who else am I gonna ask? I reached out to the Jane Goodall Institute. See what they're doing. See if they would mind.

So I sent them an email explaining the dilemma. Orangutan, orangutan, is orangutan okay? Queen of the apes, whatever their ruling is, I'll live with. I'll accept it. I got an email back like a day later. I'll read the results. At the Jane Goodall Institute, we're less familiar with orangutans.

Our programs are centered around chimpanzees and in some cases mandrills. However, we believe it's pronounced orang-u-tan. It's derived from the Malai words orang, meaning man, and u-tan, meaning forest.

So that was it. Forest man? you tan meaning forest so that was it forest man man of the forest man i guess yeah that's the translation so i have to accept what's tang translate to it's a beverage i believe gavin if you're gonna be fucking sarcastic i could play this game man of the beverage hey that's what chef used to be Yeah, yeah, that's true You fucking emailed Gorillas in the Mist James Goodall God damn

You're a ballsy kid, man Yeah Is that ballsy? I was very polite It was either her or Dr. Zaius Man, that's fucking awesome I wanted a male and female representative, so I tried to reach out to Andy Serkis, but I couldn't

find a way. I wanted his opinion too. I figured he would be king of the apes. Were you at the RTX that he came to? You could have asked him then. I was, but I didn't know I was lost at that time. I felt very strongly in my orangutan beliefs at that year.

So that was the update on orangutan, which is going to make no sense, because this is going to come out two weeks after that conversation. I want to give you an update on the pinata game. I've probably whacked it about 50 times, and all I've won is just more attempts at whacking. So no surface just yet.

As if anybody didn't need more attempts at whacking in their person Oh, yeah, yeah, did I did we vamp enough? Uh what do you mean? Well you told us to vamp because you were doing something. I was finding a picture of a full-size fire hydrant. Did you do it? Yeah, I pushed it. Oh, it's like one minute later. Oh, I'm looking I'm looking I'm looking It's right there. Yeah, I see it's right there Eric It is you know what it looks like? You know how when a dog is laying

down and his dick pops out a little bit and it looks like a little tip of lipstick? That's what this... This looks like a dog's dick. It looks like a protracted dog's dick. By eye, this is the city's dog dick. That's really interesting.

I'd be horrified to hear you in like a Rorschach test. With these blots that's a dog dick. That's what those blots look like. You know I'm right. Like different animal dicks. No, I don't, like I don't. I thought it would be a lot deeper, Gavin, based on what you said. I mean, that's pretty big.

It's like a quarter of the entire thing. It is big. I'll acknowledge that. I just thought it would be longer in my head. Like's only like, it's like a quarter of the entire thing. It is big. I'll acknowledge that. I just thought it would be longer. In my head. Like, usually, when you look at something like a bank, you know, or a shop, you're looking at most of it. What?

Sorry, what? What do you- what? What the fuck?! What does that mean? A McDonald's, if you look at a McDonald's, you're looking at like 90% of the McDonald's. I disagree. I've been to a McDonald's that has a basement. You're not seeing half of it. That's a terrible example. You're forgetting the basements.

You don't see those. Second levels they'll give you. You don't see basements. I'm not even making a joke about that. I've been in a McDonald's basement. They exist. I know, I've seen them. Yeah, that's a good point. Isn't the basement of the McDonald's where Democrats steal the adrenal glands of children?

Or is that pizza restaurants? That was Pizza Hut, wasn't it? Domino's. Well, there's a bunch of sponsors we'll never get. Did we have any more sponsors since the other episode? Yeah, I don't think we have to worry about that. Yeah, I don't think it's going to be an issue. Also, making this podcast won't be an issue much longer if we don't get any sponsors.

God damn it. Why? Because it needs to be profitable? At some point, it'll have to make money, I assume. I mean, it's a pretty small crew. There's, what, like five of us working on this right now? Yeah. Eric's there.

We've got Nick. Well, I would say there's four of us working on it, and Eric is there. Well, he was reminding you to look at the Hydrant picture. Next to the Hydrant picture. That was very useful. I had to get to the Hydrant picture to Next to the hydrant picture. That was very useful. I had to get to the hydrant picture to see the note. He's going to bitch about us

on Twitter again. Yeah, he is. He's angry. Did we cover our f***ing faces from the last episode that we didn't get to? I think that... What was the one that we said

we'd talk about next time? Was that the surface one? Was it McDonald's? Should we just continue that? I mean, that's kind of... We're near the end here. Do you want to just keep... Oh, shit.

We'll have to push it. Are we going to just do a bit where we keep pushing it? And I still haven't won a surface. Damn it. Womp womp again. I have, you know, something I can talk about. And this is, once again, a great idea to reference conversations that happened two episodes ago. Yeah.

But before we were... The last episode we recorded, Gavin, you brought up what's the thing you forgot of the most. of reference conversations that happened two episodes ago yeah but before we were the last episode we recorded gavin you brought up what's the thing you forgot of the most i didn't have a really good answer for that yeah and then i was talking to someone and it was probably i'd say mine is actually stories there are things that people tell me about that i completely forgot happened until they did and i had a good one to you yeah you yourself yeah things that i have experienced and told them about like one of them was uh our family went to the movies like our whole family like grandparents cousins a lot of people and we thought we're gonna sneak we're

not gonna popcorn cost so much you go to the movies because that's where they make their money we're like we're gonna be fucking smart about this. We're going to make the popcorn ahead of time, put it in sandwich bags, sneak it in, distribute it in the theater. Work around. It's a genius crime. Yeah, I mean, across like 10 people, that's probably like

80 bucks worth. It's a lot. Yeah, it's expensive. It's a lot of popcorn. Popcorn for 10 people at a movie theater in 2020 would be $1,000. It's outrageous. It's very expensive. It's a lot of popcorn. Popcorn for 10 people at a movie theater in 2020 would be $1,000. It's outrageous. It's very expensive. It's very expensive. So we had this whole plan, and I volunteered to be the popcorn mule.

I was confident in my abilities. So we got this old jacket that was too small, and I put eight or nine Ziploc bags of popcorn in this jacket. And we z zip me up. Now it's all good. I was more protected than if I was wearing Kevlar. It was so thick. I had so much popcorn and it was so compressed against me.

And so we get to the theater. We're all there. And I'm like getting nervous about it. So I'm acting like they're my offensive line. I'm like trying to hide behind them when we go through the ticket person. And we make it through the ticket person. And then we get into the theater and the fucking zipper broke. I couldn't get the jacket off.

I tried everything I could and it was so tight. I couldn't get it off and I couldn't get my hands into it. So nobody got popcorn and I watched the entire movie and and it's a jacket filled with it. I had like nine bags, like sandwich-sized Ziploc bags in this fucking jacket. Just miserable watching this movie. One of the worst theaters. That's not true, but it was a bad film experience. I just imagined them having to cut you out of the jacket when you got over it. Just popcorn explodes out.

I think we did have to cut open explodes out haha that's all hot I think we did have to cut open the jacket it's all like sweaty popcorn it was terrible did you guys eat the popcorn? no no the popcorn is over it's gone at that point what was the movie?

I have no memory of the movie I forgot this even happened to me I was talking to someone they said that it's one of my favorite stories you've ever told me I was like oh yeah that yeah forgot about i'm surprised you don't forever remember that movie as like the popcorn one like whenever you watch it again now you're like man i remember watching this with popcorn strapped all around me and i couldn't get out i've had so many bad theater experiences that it just i think it got erased like i remember um star trek the second was the second new star trek like into darkness or something into the darkness or some shit like i remember um star trek the second was the second new star trek like into darkness or something into the darkness or some shit yeah i remember just being so hungry because

ray ate my pizza that's all i think about when i watch that movie now like i can remember the point in the movie where i'm like pretty sure ray's eating my pizza and i remember the point where i finally got the pizza towards the end. And I actually, there's such vivid feelings whenever I watch that movie. I don't remember. I think one of like the most obnoxious things that have ever happened to me in a movie theater is halfway through this movie, there, it was a kid's movie. So it's like, whatever you accept, except that there's going to be noise and chaos. The little girl in front of me got up, stood on her chair and pulled out a thing a paddle ball

and started playing paddle ball in the middle of the movie it's the most distracting thing i've ever experienced in watching something so i'm playing fucking paddle ball can i tell you uh the worst thing i've ever done in a movie uh i oh i feel like maybe that's not accurate i'd have to think about that for a while but the worst thing I've ever done that comes to mind, and it's actually, it kind of hurts my heart to admit it, but I took Millie to see Madagascar, I don't know, two or three, whichever one that was. No, it wasn't that.

I'm sorry, it was Bolt. Do you remember that movie Bolt? Yeah. With the fucking dog and pigeons and shit? Yeah, I played it recently. Yeah, terrible film. It was a terrible movie. And it was so bad.

It was so bad that about an hour into the movie, Millie had to go to the bathroom. It was just us, the two of us, Daddy Daughter Day.

And I took her to the bathroom and when she came out, she must have been six or seven whenever that movie came out, maybe less, maybe five. When she came out

of the theater and I said, okay, let's go home. And she goes, what do you mean? And I go, oh, the movie's over. And she goes, is it? And I go, let's go home. And she goes, what do you mean? And I go, oh, the movie's over. And she goes, is it?

And I go, yeah, it ended. And she goes, I don't, what happened? And I go, the dog, everybody was happy. And she was like, just like confused. She was like, okay. And then I took her home and I didn't watch, she didn't get to watch the second half of the movie because I was so miserable watching it.

And I still, I will go to my grave feeling like a monster for doing that. That and the time that we went to, we're going to a convention in Orlando and Millie was like six. She was six years old. We're going to a convention in Orlando. And I was trying to hide the fact that Disney World was in Orlando because I knew she'd want to go. And we were like flying in late on a Friday night and leaving first thing Sunday morning. I was going to do a convention appearance. She'd look at the plane and see it.

Yeah, well, listen, there was no time to go to Disney World. And so I just didn't want her to know because I didn't want to take that away from her, you know? And so I did a good job of running interference about it. And then before we were going to, it was back when we traveled a lot i went to fucking sydney australia the week before we went to orlando and we check into the hotel after like a hellacious two hour you know like day and a half flight to get there and the whole thing you know

gavin you've been to australia a bunch of times it's a fucking nightmare and you you like you get there it's like eight in the morning and you're exhausted and it's 90 degrees outside, it's like 8 in the morning, and you're exhausted, and it's 90 degrees outside, and it's fucking hot and sunny, and you're just all discombobulated. We check into the hotel. Millie goes, can I watch TV? And I go, yeah, dude, fucking go for it. Turn on the TV. I'm going to take a nap. She turns on the TV, and there's a commercial for Disney World in Australia.

Like, good day, mate. Go on down to fucking Orlando. Did you read Mickey? And she goes, I watched her face go does Orlando dad dad and I go yeah and she goes is Disney is Disney World in Orlando and I go yeah yeah it is and she goes uh are are we going to Orlando real soon and I go yeah we're going next week and she goes oh my god we're gonna go to Disney World. And I go, yeah, we're going next week. And she goes, oh my God, we're going to go to Disney World. She's like, woohoo. She's excited.

And I'm like, dude, I don't know that we're going to have time. I'm trying to set it. And she's like off to the races, running around the room, excited, like going to Disney World. I'm going to see Mickey Mouse, blah, blah, blah. And so when we got to Orlando a week later, we got off the bus or got off the plane. And then you take a tram to like the other side of the airport

to go to baggage. And there's a Disneyland, there's like a Disney World store off the plane. And then you take a tram to like the other side of the airport to go to baggage. And there's a Disneyland, there's like a Disney World store in the airport. And she goes, we walked by and she goes, Oh my God, is that Disney World? And I went, yes, it is. Yes, it is Disney World. And she goes, can we go? And I said, yes, you can. And she walked into the store and she looked at a bunch of stuffed animals and i let her buy one thing and then i never told her that it wasn't disney world and until she was until my mom took her when she was like nine she thought disney world was a store in the orlando airport did she ever find out that she's never seen all of Bolt? Yeah. She knows now. She's almost 15.

She knows. She's well-versed in all the lame shit I did. I like the idea of her not knowing even on the trip and them walking by the airport, Millie being like, where are we going? We're missing it. Why are we leaving? I feel even telling the story now,

like eight years later, my heart hurts. I can't imagine walking in, being like, man, I didn't know Disney World sold travel plugs. She was like, even at six, she was like, I thought it would have been different.

And I was like, yeah, no, this is it. This is Disney World. do you see it on the side it's up front disney world store yeah and she's like huh and i know in her head she's like i can barely read i guess i'll just listen i guess i trust her did you feel like you were getting away with a crime in the moment it was a crime of necessity because i just didn't want to break her heart and and tell her we went all the way to the land of mickey mouse and she couldn't go but there just wasn't time and then she's been to she's been to disney world twice since then with my mom so it's it all evens out but man do i still feel like a monster for that well to be

fair if you get to go to real disney world after an airport shop i bet that's a way it's like a oh yeah boost oh yeah yeah i remember she came came home after going to the real Disney World, and she just had a look in her face like, you motherfucker. It's like, yeah, no, I know. And then I was like, don't worry. We'll get you therapy. Oh, dear. I feel like you get points for not lying when she asked, is it in Orlando?

And you told her. You told her the truth at that point. I didn't have a choice. It was on fucking. No, you say it's Orlando, Kansas. You just say it's the same name. It's in a different place. Man, I had jet lag.

I was not in my middle. I wasn't thinking that fast on my feet at that moment. Oh, well, I think that was a nice episode. I've been thumping this piñata for the entire thing and I've not won a surface yet.

I think you got really lucky, Andrew. I think I did, yeah. Well, wait, is your motivation to get a burger? Because that might be key. Oh, no, I was trying to get the surface. Let me think burger. Yeah, I think your heart needs to be in the right place. Yeah.

So when does yours arrive? I think next week. Are you excited? Those things are no joke these days. They're really good. Are they? I don't really know anything about them, so. I know Bill Belichick throws them, because he doesn't like

them. That's all I know about Microsoft Surface. I'm excited to use them. I think the first thing you should do is install the Grubhub or DoorDash app and order a burger. It's a great app. Yeah, I bet you could set up some sort of macro where you just press one button and a burger shows up your

burger button you do I kind of had something like that before but it didn't work. What about this for an app? Whatever you write on the street on the maps. It's waiting for you when you get home. That would be awesome What are you gonna say Andrew? Well now? I'm just thinking about like imagine going home, and there's a fart waiting like like a jar? There is a guy waiting for you. All right, now's the, I think this is the part of the podcast where Andrew ends it.

So, here we, did you kill it? Get away. Oh, you want me to end it? Eric's, Eric's written the instructions right there, you see? Who's, who's, tell, okay. Well, first of all, I want toff and gavin for joining me on another wonderful episode hey thank you thank you we learned a lot we got to see beautiful art i nearly cried gavin's been hitting a pinata for what 50 minutes yep not winning a single surface

didn't win a single surface just want to point that out once again not a single win i want to what else am i supposed to do tell people to tell a friend if you have a friend or if you have an enemy and you don't like the podcast tell the enemy about it say it's great lie to them if you like the podcast and you have friends somebody you care about tell them we'd really appreciate it leave a rating five star I mean preferably five or four four to five stars i guess would be do we care i think we care about the rating right i don't think you should tell people the the rating to give i think you should just say no you know yeah i mean obviously right from your heart yeah

i would say your heart was a five star we tow the line between a solid like five to six out of ten every week and then you got obviously translate to the five star method I think it's a solid three it's it's a solid we'll just say five because that's what Eric says it's five Eric don't listen to Gavin we're gonna get a bunch of mediocre reviews well I mean be accurate though that'd be the truth it's you're putting it in their head that it's only a three though put it in their head that it's a five do you think it's a five uh out of ten at least but if there's only if there's only five stars still use the 10 point system you just go up as high as you can got it as close to the 10 yeah the top five stars are hidden yeah exactly that's

how it works and subscribe oh right you were doing this one yeah yeah that's what you threw it in my court now you want if you want to take it back I'll gladly give it to you I don't know You take the rock Okay subscribe on whatever app you're on In all seriousness thank you so much for listening This is such a stupid show That I have so much fun

Recording with my two friends One friend one kind of Asshole who likes to fart and stuff Um We live with it but holy shit there's only 50 surfaces in this pinion yeah i know it's in the world right yeah it's 50 xbox live i've continued the podcast by the way 50 xbox live ultimate passes 25 xbox 50 Xbox Live Ultimate Passes, 25 Xbox One Xs, and 50 Surfaces. And the rest are just garbage. How often does it refresh?

Is it like 50 a day? No, no, it's like waves. I read the rules. I think it's three sets of 50 over like three months. So I could be trying to win a bunch of Surfaces that have already been won. Yeah, it's possible that... This is odd. My brows are crashed.

Gavin just figured out that gambling isn't worth it. It works for some people like Andrew Patton. As long as you go in accepting you're going to lose, it's great. Gambling's fun. Well, no, I don't recommend it. Don't do it, but it's great. It's terrible, but it's fun. I'm still ending this show, right?

That's what's happening? What did I... Yeah, we're ending. Did it end, Eric? Was the end in there? I think we we're good I think I got the ratings I got the no we're still going what what do I need to say what am I missing I think I got the ratings

no I think you nailed it I was the only thing I was going to add is that like if you have an opinion on Eric we'd love to hear it he's typing he's typing hold on he says Eric why don't you just talk why are you typing to us we're right here all right so eric eric wants us to end it with this so i'll just i'll just say what eric said and then we can just end it okay he said yeah trying no still going

say thanks and goodbye you're adding something why thanks people thanks you did so Andrew covered all that I think he did it I didn't say goodbye why just did you said yes you you were trying for sure you were definitely still going hell we're still still going so we're doing that how long is this exit is this the longest exit we've had I hope so this is like I feel like this is like five minutes of us ending the show well you could cut it why don't we just cut it cut it to when andrew stopped talking the first time we could do that when did that happen like now like when i stop now that right

that right then that was it oh hold on i got an email was it oh it has no it has nothing to do with this never mind it wasn't eric telling you No, no, it wasn't at all, actually. Oh, well, I'm at it. I got a lot of emails. Hold on. Do, do, do, do, do, do. I got an email from Quibi telling me the trending this week is The Stranger. Do you guys see The Stranger on Quibi?

What is The Stranger? It's where you sit on your hand, isn't it? It's like a... Ha ha ha ha ha.