Regulation Podcast - Entrance Only Backwards // Geoff's portapotty [44]

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Andrew not being a socks guy, releasing an episode on vinyl, and the perfect british sandwich. Sponsored by: Hello Tushy (http://hellotushy.com/face), The Jordan Harbinger Show (http://jordanharbinger.com/subscribe), and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/12face and use code 12face) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello! Wow, man. Why do you do that every time? You hate yourself when you go overly enthusiastic. Jeff wants to always land on like a 6 out of 10 for enthusiasm, but that was 11. I don't know why you overshot so far. Yeah, he opens 11, and then he hates himself for it, and then he goes down. Yeah.

At least he didn't do the whole thing this time. He stopped after hello. Here's what we're going to do. One of you guys is going to do the intro this week. I'm taking a break. Okay. Interesting. Who's going to do it?

I nominate Gavin. You want to do a vote? Oh, you can do a vote. I like a good vote. How about this? I don't like the vote. The vote's going to do it? I nominate Gavin. You want to do a vote? Oh, you can do a vote. I like a good vote. How about this? I don't like the vote. The vote's going to go sideways. How about this? You can't vote me. It's either of you.

I'm abstaining. I vote Jeff. What if we do the number thing? Eric can pick a number, and you guys try to get closest to it. This seems way too complicated for us to just do the intro. Okay, I got it. I picked the number. Go ahead. Say a number. What's the range? One to it. This seems way too complicated for us to just do the intro. Okay, I got it. I picked the number. Go ahead.

Give me, go ahead and say a number. What's the range? One to 100. Give me a number. Okay. No, I'm not going to say it. You go ahead. You go first.

You got to mute. You got to deafen. Why do I have to deafen? We're going back and forth on numbers. Welcome to F*** Face, the podcast where Jeff, Gavin, and Andrew get into wacky hijinks and talk about it weekly. Are you new to the show? You have a lot of catching up to do.

Welcome to the Zimmer zone. Did you know Andrew didn't need a pencil? Gavin washed his hair with dog shampoo. This and more on today's episode of F*** Face. So here's what happened, right? I bought this jacket and it had the alarm thing still in it. Didn't realize, walked out, probably set the alarm off, got home. It was still in there.

I thought I could probably cut this out. But then I thought I'll leave it in. i'll see what happens out in the world um probably of the 400 theft alarms i set off in various shops around england it was investigated maybe three times and every time i just had to say oh it's like in this jacket and they'd go okay at no point was a bag that i was holding ever checked the worst time was at i think i went to alton towers which is a theme park in england and it set off what i thought was a metal detector but it happened to also be set off by that thing they came over some police were there they were like what are you doing i was like i just got it in my jacket It was very inconvenient

But because I'd never actually stolen anything It became funny Because my friends were always annoyed And they never wanted to go shopping with me Which was great Because I don't really like going shopping anyway That's about it really Just over the course of a couple of years

Testing all of the alarms around england did you ever come up with a strategy to deal with this to avoid being well i guess it happened so rarely but did you ever adjust your approach when entering stores what like trying to not set them off like testing no no no no okay so i forgot that this had happened to me i had the same experience i could never figure out what was triggering it but i had one combination of clothing that would set off an alarm every time i'd go into stores a combination yeah like i couldn't figure out what it was i like i think it may have been the underwear but like it would happen frequently i don't know i never figured out what piece was doing it this thing in my jacket was like a coaster size disc and i can't imagine

having one of those in underwear and being able to sit down on it no no it wasn't like a coaster it was like i woke up and this was like a superpower i gained overnight like it just suddenly started happening how old are you when this happened uh probably 16 maybe 17 okay in that range i have some questions for the coaster size disc when we're past that but let's talk about this right now how did you like what was the culmination uh it was well it's just like short like what items of clothing did i have on so or like how did it what did it lead up to did it just like stop one day yeah it was just like one day i noticed the alarm went off and i was like huh that was weird and then it happened like four more times in a

row and i thought that's probably not a coincidence. This is probably me. And then every time I'd go into that store, the alarm would go off and I was wearing some piece of clothing. I don't know. So it's just one store. Yeah, it was mainly one stores where I remember it. Yeah, it was weird.

It was like a London drugs thing, but it was in both of them. But then it just stopped all at once, like just suddenly it didn't go off anymore. Or did you know? I think I threw away the underwear and then it stopped. But I can't, like, I don't understand why the underwear would have been the cause. I don't see how a combination is in effect. Yeah. Like, did you always wear the same pair of underwear with the same socks or something?

And that's why you couldn't narrow it down? Well, yeah, I'm not like a socks guy. I don't have a large range of outfits and i would buy multiples of the same thing you're not a socks guy what can you kill all right can we talk about that for a second sure go ahead what does that mean when you say i'm not a sock guy what explain or elaborate please i own socks i don't often wear them unless i'm going to somebody's house if i'm going to someone's house then i'll wear them okay Okay, so, all right. So I'm going to take us through a scenario.

I just want to understand this. Yeah. So you get up, you're moving about your house barefoot probably or whatever, that's fine, that's cool. You decide you're going to leave. It's Tuesday. You're going to leave your house to go. By the way, we are assuming this is in a non-pandemic world.

This is like pandemic never happened or it was before the whatever so uh you're gonna go to uh you're gonna go to the uh convenience store to buy a lottery ticket and then you were gonna go to the movies and mcdonald's to get some food and come home at you would put shoes like closed toed shoes on like a pair of nikes with no socks yeah and then go do all of those things and then come home and then take it off and go about your day barefoot however if it's a wednesday and you are gonna go do you're gonna go to the grocery store but then you're also gonna swing by gavin's house uh to help him set up his xbox because he's too stupid to understand how to close his nat or how to open his nat up And he's having all kinds of and you try to do it over the phone. And then you even try to do it

over a Zoom call. And it's just pointless because Gavin is he's just not there mentally. And so you're going to go over to Gavin's house and you're going to help him open up his net, which is the easiest thing in the world anyway. But so you would put socks on for that purpose. Now, is that correct? Yes. Is that for a smell reason or is that because if you're afraid you're going to take your shoes off at Gavin's house, you don't want to walk around Gavin's house barefoot? Yeah. I'm assuming if I'm going to someone's home, I'll take my shoes off and I feel like going barefoot in another person's home is rude. I would agree. I would also say that a sock has a job that it does pretty well in that it's the cleanable part you can easily wash a sock

and as it soaks up you know the day's worth of foot sweat it's not going to sit there overnight for months on end in an unwashed shoe you just swap the sock you maintain a nice smelling shoe for much longer listen gav there's a whole lot to dive into in terms of how disgusting this is. I just wanted to get through the facts first so we understand. Obviously, Andrew, as an adult male human being who sweats and goes about the rigors of being a human being, he must have stinky fucking feet. The sock hides the stink. Oh, yeah. The sock absorbs the stink.

So you must have stinky feet are sour. They're yeah. The sock absorbs the stink. So you must have... And stinky feet are sour. They're gross. It's a bad one. Sour. Sour. Yeah. You ever smell like a sour, stinky foot? Like somebody ran around all day long and sweated in their fucking shoe and they...

No. In their Nikes. Oh, it's the worst smell. Jeff, I'm not out here smelling feet, okay? I don't have my fucking nose in shoes. Unfortunately, for those of us who wear socks diligently, we don't always have a choice because we're not subjected to stinky feet in our homes,

so we don't have the opportunity to develop any natural immunities to it. So when I go out on the street, if I go to the grocery store or whatever, and somebody's got stinky feet out, I'm gonna notice it even more than, say, you would because you live in filth and stinky feet. I also feel like a shoe alone doesn't absorb great.

I don't ever wear a shoe without a sock on, because to me, I don't like the feel. But I can imagine after a hot, sweaty Texas day, there might be some slush in the shoe. How bad can it get? Pretty bad. I don't live in Texas, so I don't know if the fucking Texas scenario does nothing to me.

I live in a pretty cold place. Yeah, I have. Oh, I guess I have. Do you pop socks on? Let me think. Yeah. Do I put socks on? Do I put socks on in Texas?

I yeah, I think I do. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a socks guy on the road, I guess, depending on socks, socks on the road. Well, let me let me let me ask you another question. Either of you do either of you know what the grossest thing on the planet earth is like a bodily fluid that is collected in invisible like a cup of sweat to me so like gross yeah okay so yeah cup of sweat would be good so

some of the stuff they did in jackass 2 was yeah there you go andrew how about you i'm trying i would agree with that would be bad uh i don't know maybe fucking just shit everywhere toilet exploded that'd be pretty bad all right it exploded toilet yeah like you could say it in a gross way as well no no no no it's just i was talking to somebody yesterday and they're saying at their work their sink got clogged it was a van's in in texas and uh they couldn't figure out what was wrong with the sink and somebody flushed and then the sink drained they're like that was weird and then they came back and apparently like the toilet fucking exploded and shit covered all the walls and they needed to get like a team in there to deal with that

it's a pretty fucking gross thing it's an immediate one that comes to mind if you have get like a team in there to deal with that. It's a pretty fucking gross thing. It's an immediate one that comes to mind. If you have to call a team, it's. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Those are both hideous. Those are I agree with you both. Those are both terrible things. However, there is one at least one thing grosser, the grossest thing on Earth.

And the grossest thing on Earth is the black, hard, crusted surface of the inside of a pair of Birkenstocks. When a person wears a pair of Birkenstocks and they sweat and it turns black and just like, just shimmery and gross. And the only difference between those Birkenstocks and anybody who doesn't wear socks

with their fucking Nikes is that we have to see the Birkenstocks and we can't see the Nikes. My point being, I bet your your shoes you should wash your shoes what because a birkenstock you can see inside it yeah you can see inside it because there's no sides so you can see the damage that a dirty foot does to the insole but in a regular pair of shoes it's hidden yeah i mean i assume andrew if you wore the same pair of socks for the same length of time you wore a pair of shoes like say you got two years out of a pair of shoes, but you just wore a pair of socks for two years,

I imagine it would be a hideous, crusty mess. It would probably not be good. I buy one pair of shoes a year, and I just ride those out. Those probably don't smell great. But once again, I'm never smelling shoes in the wild. Yeah, but other people are. No, who is?

I'm saying, who? My hand is raised. What if you get into a lift? Get into a cab of some sort yeah you don't i don't i don't think you smell shoe smell in a cat what do you mean i'm not fucking sitting my legs up what do you mean everything's down low when you go to somebody's house they have a fucking shoe closet typically i think the problem the problem is andrew it's like as a smoker doesn't ever smell cigarette smoke i think you just don't you're just immune to the smell yeah i'm nose blind is what you're saying you might you might be a little nose blind to it anyway so you never did you did you throw the underwear away or i believe i threw

the underwear away and that's when it stopped yeah I remember it stopping kind of around then or maybe like I I don't I think it was the underwear but it wouldn't make sense to be the underwear but it stopped around that time I had completely forgotten that this was the thing I went through until Gavin brought up that story I was curious if he had a system though because what I did my genius idea to deal with this because I was worried that somebody was going to approach me and be like, what's going on? I started going into that store backwards. That was my plan.

Because then if anyone looked at the alarm, I'd also be looking at the sound where the alarm was. So I would just always walk into the London Drugs backwards during that time. It was my great game plan. I don't understand that at all. Okay, well, if I'm in the store, right? If I'm in the store already, I'm going to be looking like the alarm goes off. I'm going to be looking at that. If I'm going in forward, I very clearly just walked in.

I caused that alarm. If I go in backwards, I'm a guy near the front of the store that is also confused by the alarm. But if you're walking in backwards, you're pointing in the direction that someone would be facing if they were stealing yeah but but i'm at the entrance of the store nobody enters on that side wait why do you have one on the entrance then they got one on the entrance and exit nobody exits on that side you exit near the tills which are on the opposite side of the store i'd never dare walk through what would be the exit So you look like a guy walking in the entrance only backwards. I still don't understand if they pull you into

the security room and they show you the footage, are you going to be like, your security system is clearly recording backwards, I'm on the way out. No, if they brought me in, I'd say, look this is the length in which I didn't want to be here, this is a clothing thing. I walked in backwards so that you wouldn't suspect it was me

because I just didn't want to talk to anybody because it was front of the store. They had all the drinks and stuff. If you're prepared to do that, and I have another way I want to take this, but first off, if you're prepared to have that conversation, why not just have it in advance? What do you mean?

Why not just find the security guy and say, listen, my underwear sets off the alarm. Just let you know, I come here a couple times a week. Don't arrest me. See, back then, I really didn't mind talking to people. I used to like going through those sort of procedures as an innocent person. Like, I didn't ever mind if my bag was, like, randomly inspected at airport. I'd be like, yeah, I feel like if you look through that bag, you'll find absolutely no criminal items.

So, yeah, thank you very much much i'll be on my way but it was it was just really good because if i ever didn't buy anything and my friend did and he had a bag i would just set the thing off and i'd be like oh my this guy and i just point the guy and he would get searched they would almost never search me and i got to the point where i was so confident doing this that even if they did search me i would just be like oh i stole this coat from a different store. Don't worry, I didn't take it from here. And they'd be like, okay. If I were you, Andrew,

what I would have done is taken the underwear and I would have staged myself outside, balled it up, and then I would have waited for an old man to walk in and then I would have slipped the underwear in his pocket and then I would have followed him around the store and then at the end, if the alarm went off, they would have come to check on the old man and it would have been weird and then he would have pulled the underwear out and then you could have been like oh weird old

man has my underwear he's he's a creep uh and then you could have got your underwear back knowing that it had that power or if you walked if the guy walked out and the alarm didn't set off a you know the underwear is not special you let it go or, you can do the same thing and go, hey, that old man has my underwear. Why do you have my underwear, old man? And then you get your underwear back. Yeah. But with my shoe smell, I'm never going to sneak up on anybody. How am I going to creep up with this apparent shoe smell I'm dealing with? So we got to go all the way back to there first. I'm glad you shove a pair of socks on for other people's houses, though. I think that's quite

considerate. And I feel like that is what I would expect of someone but in America there's like a weird thing with socks because Americans you you could either get the barefoot or you could get the person who doesn't even take the shoe off which to me is an insane decision to make it's a you never know when you when you invite someone into your house You never know what their norm you invite someone into your house you never know what their norm will be and usually in my experience it's people putting their shoes on my couch all right there's no need for it that the sock is fine it's probably cleaner than the bare

foot and the shoe because it's the least used thing yeah i gotta say if we're not at the beach i don't want to see your feet. Ever. I will never subject anyone to a barefoot. No. Unless there's water involved. There's gotta be water involved, right? There's gotta be water sports involved.

I also, I gotta go, I agree with you, Gavin. I think it's a little, it's just, you just think about all the doo-doo and stuff you bring in on your shoes into somebody else's house. I mean, I guess it's their house, so it doesn't matter. But you were one of the people who yelled at me for for going sock in house yeah i just don't like socks uh it's just so i i i don't know why you would rather me walk around your house with shoes and sit on your couch with shoes on i don't want you sitting on my couch with shoes on i don't want you put the shoes on my couch wait what do you want from me then what

do you want from me i've always just slipped the shoes off at the door, just gone socked. I don't have a problem with you going socked. When did I ever have a problem with you going socked? I'm sure there's a recorded conversation. I don't want to see your feet, and seeing your socks is better than seeing your feet, but it still looks like a foot a little bit. So, you know how people have

foot fetishes? I guess I'm the opposite. I have a foot anti-fetish. I don't want to ever see what your foot looks like. I don't want to see what your foot looks like i don't want to see your foot shape i don't want to see your toe sticking out so i guess i guess when i lived with you and i had to look at your dumb feet through socks i probably got annoyed over time you know what i'll go ahead and say it gav it was probably an unwinnable situation for you yeah i apologize but then again when when like ben would come to stay he would his socks were off as he was walking in he would he would be kicking socks all over the place he had probably

12 pairs of socks around your living room and to me that was outrageous but you still yelling at me about my socks on i love ben we all love ben but ben was an unteachable untrainable person when it came to that stuff. There was no point in me trying to get Ben to pick up candy wrappers or throw away pizza boxes or keep his socks anywhere out of my important shit. It just wasn't gonna happen. So I just learned to live with it. You gotta temper your expectations.

You, I have higher standards, or different standards. I shouldn't say higher standards. They're not higher. I had a lot of high standards. i just i i have different standards for you gavin and i think that there are things that you are capable of well i did my best i i was uh i'm in a new country you know i didn't know what you wanted from me i just assumed this was the least offensive move i listen i thought it was a huge success when we lived together i loved it i would go back to that yeah would you say you're a shoe guy jeff yeah do you now are you a shoe guy because you like shoes or that's how much you

hate feet both i like okay i like i like a kind of shoe i like vans you know i've got like my 60 pairs of vans or whatever and then and like two pairs of nikes one for uh running and one for cross training like climbing like mountain climbing. Not mountain climbing. I don't do that shit. Like hiking. You know like cross training or whatever they call it. For running around the woods and then for running around in the streets. There's the only acceptable time to wear

running shoes and then the rest is vans. Like trail running. Yeah. Okay. So I do like you know I do collect those shoes I guess. But I also I just don't like feet. I don't like to think about them. Are you a shoe guy, Gavin? Do you buy, like, how many pairs of shoes do you buy per year?

I usually buy, like, one pair of custom Converse every year. Okay. And I try and make them hideous to look at, like, offensive to the eyes. You do great. What's, do you have, do you have, like, an example of, like, a best of worst shoe? You do great. Do you have an example of a best of worst shoe? My current ones have the zebra-striped rubber around the rim with avocados and lemons and strawberries

in a clashing pattern all around the thing. And I think a pink part... I don't know, I can send you some pictures. They're awful. That sounds bad. Nick's not a sock guy either. Nick, what are your thoughts on this sock situation? Why do you avoid the sock?

Well, no, I don't like socks. They're not very comfortable, and I won't wear them around my own house. I will stay barefoot at all times if I can. If I'm going to a friend's house or whatever, I'll wear socks, wear shoes, and I'll make sure to keep them on unless my friend is cool with me taking off the shoes what if you're going to the store are you going to throw socks on to go to the store uh yeah we'll throw socks on for that i see that's too much work yeah i feel like you are a sock guy then yeah he is a sock guy i i disagree with you in your own home doesn't really count i think no you can do whatever you want. You set the rules. I wear socks at home for a good reason in that there's four cats and there's probably

like cat food crumbs around where we feed them. And I hate having to scrape that off the bottom of my foot. And a sock will get in the way of that. And then I sweep that shit. It's just a lack of convenience having to throw socks on if you're just doing like one stop. So I'm not a sock guy. I only own, I have like 40 pairs of the same sock.

I'm a big convenience person. Yeah, but you live in the most, you have to shimmy into bed every night. No, no, no, no, I fixed that. I fixed that, Gavin. That's done. I moved things around. Last time you knocked over a cabinet or something,

slipped on a sushi bag. I did, well, it's a plastic container. It's not a bag. We're not having that debate again. So what modifications were made to your living situation? Oh just I moved I had this 50 inch tv it was kind of blocking the way move that and I moved the filing cabinet and uh we're all good I have so much more filing cabinet filing cabinet yeah I have a filing cabinet for all of your documents yeah how many documents do you have that you need a cabinet? I have less than six documents, I'd assume.

It's mainly filled with old video games and shit like that. Ah, ah, ah. Yeah. So, Andrew, I have a question. You just said you're a big convenience guy. Yeah. That was convenient to me. And you said you have like 40 pairs of the same socks.

Yep. But you don't wear socks. Yeah. So here's what I'm worried about about i'm worried that we haven't keyed into i think we've gotten very close but i don't think we've keyed into the fact that you might be a hoarder no i'm not a hoarder 40 pairs of socks you don't wear no they're all in a fucking they're in a nice thing it's one of the best things i've ever done yeah they're in a beautiful file they're filed under S. For socks.

You're joking, but I do think I put my socks in there at one point, but they're no longer in the filing cabinet. Come on. Well, it's like a fancy filing cabinet. It's not like a metal one. Filed under N for never wear. On the road, when I travel, I bring socks, and it was always an inconvenience if you fucking lose a sock and then you mismatch.

They match. I can't fucking speak. How do you lose a sock? Well, they just vanish. What do you mean, how do you lose a sock? I feel like the sock is the most relatably lost thing. It just vanished. You can never find pairs.

Yeah, you never find pairs, though. It's a constant struggle for pairs. So I gave away all my socks, and then I just bought like 40 pairs from Costco all of the same and I just don't think about it. What if socks worked like kids mittens? Like, did you ever have a pair of mittens where they were attached with string and they go down your sleeve, like around your back and down the other one? What if socks went up each leg of your shorts or trousers and were connected that way? That makes sense. Ah, that just seems like it would get dirty.

I'm not a fan. Like, I'm okay. We just get no socks. Unless I'm going to someone's house. That'll follow the rules. I'm not a monster. I wouldn't subject somebody to that. Getting wet. Do we any other talk about socks? Because there's something I want to press. Are we good with socks? Uh, well, you know, I

would like to point out, I think we are still releasing two left socks at some point i think so i'm not sure what happened with that i think that it takes longer to get socks made than other things um they're not they're not print on demand socks unfortunately also one episode you're like we need to do the sock thing and then the next episode you're like i'm fucking done with socks let's never talk about socks again so it's kind of yeah but i still want to sell them i still want i still want people to be able to enjoy the bit. I mean, technically, Andrew,

this is a new conversation about socks. This isn't rehashing Jeff's stupid foot thing. This has nothing to do with the mysteries of my feet and it wouldn't at all have even come up if you hadn't brought it up, Andrew. I was not going to mention, I wasn't going to make the correlation. The product was absolutely connected to that,

but that's fine. What you gonna say uh I was going to say while we're talking about merch uh should we should we figure out the record thing at some point yeah I have something to say about that so we have a merchandise chat and uh we're talking about somebody in the community suggested we do a vinyl of an episode of the show, which my daughter told me is a good idea. And that's all I need. Yeah, I mean, I think it's a fun thing. Like we could do art on the on the thing is this. It'd be kind of a cool collectible to have.

There's discussion like what episode we're kind of leaning towards the first. And then there was talk of like, well, what if we just redo the first episode word for word? I've done that's fluke face you're just fucking describing fluke face we've done no no no no no that's not what i was suggesting at all and the and to further make sense of it gavin said maybe we should do episode 16 i said we should do episode one gavin brought up the point that episode one of face is not very good it's not it's not worth listening. It doesn't reflect what we became. Yeah, it doesn't. I would say the last 15 minutes are okay, but the first 20 is a little rough. So I do agree. It feels weird to celebrate that. So what I was saying, Andrew, is not to redo it

word for word, but to look at the topics that we covered and then put those in our heads and then go through it again and do like a fresh second take now that we're so much more comfortable doing face so it's essentially the same conversation it's not word for word it's just it's similar but we're better at it and then we put that on the record and then it's episode one like hd george lucas version whatever right and the only way to hear it yeah special edition the only way to hear it is on that record which then increases the value of the record and it doesn't fuck with the timeline of the podcast online what it's a great thought but what if the vinyl was the first thing we recorded in person well when are we going to do that we're fucking going to release a vinyl in 2024

like what what do you mean well i mean we could we could all meet up this year potentially yeah i guess but that's like a long way like we're putting that on ice for a while i mean and also andrew it's gonna take andrew he's gonna need at least six weeks notice to start the trip that's true if i could survive making it out of my place i wouldn't be surprised if andrew for some random reason was the last person in the entirety of Canada to get vaccinated. I'm sure he can figure that out. It wouldn't be on purpose. I'd love to get the vaccine.

I think the problem with doing your idea, Geoff, rehashing, I remember episode one pretty clearly because it's one of the only episodes I've ever listened to because I rerecorded it when I did Fluke Face. Yes. I don't think there's really any updates to the kind of main topics of that episode. I still haven't got my haircut. I'm still not allowed to go to the retirement home. I don't even know if that guy's still working. Was that basket weaving in that one?

That came later. We'll just have that conversation again. Just imagine if we were like, all right, that was good. Let's do it again. Take two. We're not following the script word for word, but we're just going over the same themes.

Maybe we add a little bit more to it. Maybe we remember the story a little bit differently, but we're more confident. We've got more chemistry. We've worked, you know, we're better at what we're doing. We're past our 10,000 hours of f***s. Yeah.

That's fair. I just, I don't know what other takes we would have on the subjects of that episode. I also don't care enough one way or the other to make a big deal out of it. We could also not make the album or we could make the album and put episode one on it or we could make the album and put episode 16 on it or we could just fucking we could we could throw a dart at a board and use that episode for all I care. I just want to make a cassette.

What about cassettes? We could do that, too. But I would want to make a record. Can we make a cassette? What about cassettes? We could do that too, but I would like to... Nobody's making cassettes. Reel-to-reel tape. Yeah. We can make an 8-track. We can make a Laserdisc,

an audio-only Laserdisc. Oh, man, that'd be great. Laserdiscs were awesome. Yeah, they were. Huge. I never touched one. Really? Really.

They were pretty fancy and for pretty rich people. It was like a big DVD, wasn't it? Yeah, my mom, like my grandma had a friend who had one and we would go over and watch the Star Wars Laserdisc sometimes. Ooh, fancy. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you.

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And then Andrew, I don't know what you would call what he did to that bit. He definitely improved it, but it was not what I expected. Once again, I reject that. Before we just go too far, I want to bring up something because we keep forgetting this. Gavin, you and I talked about this immediately. Jeff, are you good with merch?

Do we want to go back to merch? Are you good with socks? I don't think we got an answer to what episode we're going to release, but I don't care. No, I'm definitely good with socks. Were you hoping for a resolution? I was hoping to give Tony and Robert

some marching orders. We'll figure it out. We can do that later. Great. Thank you. I have a very important question for you, Jeff. Where the fuck is the port-a-potty? What's going on with the port-a-potty?

You're asking me? I'm asking you. Where the fuck is the port-a-potty? Well, first off, I don't appreciate your aggressive tone. No, I'll be very aggressive i bought you that's a very fucking expensive gift that was out of the kindness of my heart where's the porta potty here's the deal i i don't know oh come on no i don't know what do you mean you don't know i mean i don't know where it is uh they definitely they have definitely called. Unfortunately, I wasn't available to take the call when they called.

And they left me a message, a very nice message, about delivering Port-A-Potty, which leads me to believe that it is real and does exist. No, it does. Unfortunately, as far as we know, the number to call them back was garbled. And then it, I don't know, it got deleted or something. So I couldn't, I could never find the number

to call them back. Yeah. And then. It's in your history. It wasn't though. It was weird. And then, and then they called again

and left another message and then the same thing happened. And then they called a third time and unbelievably i missed that call too uh and so we are we just keep missing each other yeah here's the here's the problem with that i know it's frustrating right especially me too no it's no it's not i'm calling we were in a fucking meeting yesterday and you said word for word i'm trying to fucking dodge these calls i've been working on dodging these calls left and right you said it yesterday in passing eric was there i don't know if eric heard it but you said it uh i don't remember i don't remember saying it in that way

i can confirm he did say that i i think i think i remember saying i i'm trying not to dodge these calls is what i was saying i think i remember i think i remember saying dodge these porta potty calls which i will not stand for this is frustrating i'm doing my best not to dodge these calls is what I remember saying. I think I remember saying dodge these porta potty calls, which I will not stand for. This is frustrating. I'm doing my best not to dodge these calls, but it just keeps being inconvenient. Jeff, if you do not get this porta potty, I will not stop sending you fucking porta potties until you get one.

Look, man, I want it too. No, you don't. They have my address, Andrew. What am I supposed to do? You've got to consider the carbon footprint of this port-a-party's journey. He didn't buy one in Austin. He bought one in, like, Indiana or something. Then it's probably, then if we're worried about the carbon footprint of it, then it's probably doing more good for the environment sitting in a warehouse somewhere in Austin.

Not being loaded onto a truck full of gas and coal falling, belches, destruction all the way to my house, destroying every bit of life in its wake. I don't want that for our... I'm trying to keep a world around for my daughter and her kids.

Let's think about the future. If that port-a-potty is not there, we're recording two episodes today. If that port-a-potty is not there, we're recording two episodes today. If that port-a-potty is not there by the next time we record, there will be consequences, and it will not stop. It will not fucking stop.

You just add another one to the cop. I like it. Look, man, I'm as frustrated as you. It's going to go beyond port. No, you're not. You're stalling. You're dodging this. You're doing everything you can.

If that port-a-potty is not there by the next time that we record, there will be fucking What do you want me to do? They had to brought it. Get the fucking port-a-potty. It's there. What do you mean? What do you want me?

Fucking call them. When they call, they leave a thing. I don't have the guy's number. What do you mean? They called you. They called you. I get so many calls. Oh, shut the fuck up.

That is such bullshit. I get so much spam. I get 20 calls of spam Oh, shut the fuck up. That is such bullshit. I get so much spam. I get 20 calls of spam a day. That's established. We've talked about that many times on the podcast. You could call them right now. You could. I don't know the number.

Give me the number. They called you. Fucking, I don't know. How many freight companies do you have phoning you, Jeff? I don't know. Zero, except for the fucking port-a-potty number. When was the last time they called? About a

four days ago. A while ago, because it arrived in Austin on March 6th. That's almost two weeks ago. I don't understand how it's my fault that I haven't received something that was sent to me. I didn't ask for it.

Because you're actively avoiding getting it. What do you mean you don't understand? I'm in my house. Bring it over right now. I haven't left. There's a pandemic. I haven't gone anywhere in a year. They know where I live.

You gave them my address. Just answer the phone. I don't like to talk to strangers, Andrew. I'm shy. Just answer the phone. Why don't they text me? I'll handle it with text. They can text me.

No. If that port-a-potty isn't there. It's 2021. I'm not doing this like it's 1965. They can text me. It could be a landline. I don't think a lot of freight companies are there on mobiles. Really?

Really, you don't? They probably got an HQ with some 65 year old bloke on the phone. Okay. I don't understand how I'm in trouble because some fucking hillbilly some fucking dipshit hillbilly freight company can't figure out how to get to my house.

No it's not that. Google Maps. They need to organize for you to get it. No it's not where they don't fucking know where you live. They know where you live. You need to be there to receive it. I don't have to be here to receive it. Yes, it's not where they don't fucking know where you live. They know where you live. You need to be there to receive it. I don't have to be here to receive it. Yes, you do. It's mainly that you're not only dodging the port-a-potty, you're dodging content. I'm not dodging

content. That's what I'm so ashamed of. That's why I didn't think Jeff would ever do that. He is dodging content. That's right, Gavin. Talk to Eric about this. I thought Jeff would never do that. Regardless of the inconvenience this is content and jeff wouldn't skip that goes that goes against everything he stands for you're breaking your own personal code jeff i just realized i just realized what i'm

gonna do with this porta potty when i get it yeah what's that well when i receive the content in my front yard sure i'm then going to uh make sure that nobody else dodges that content by sending it on a journey to everybody's house so nick will get it next i have nick's address nick will get it next then i'll send it to eric's house for a while until he gets sick of it because i do know where eric lives because i have his address and then i'll leave it at gavin's house and then he can figure it out. So you're going to collect them as well? I'll call. I'll get the...

I'll tell you what. When the people show up to drop it off, I'll get their landline number and I'll call them back and I'll say, hey, I got a pickup at Eric Bedore's house. Can you take it over to Gavin Free's house? And he'll be like,

aye, aye, captain. It's 1962 over here still. We'll do it. I don't, I like this. You're right. You're right. I like this. I hope, I don't, I mean, I hope I, I just hope that the next time they call, I'm, I'm

not in, I'm in a place where I can answer it. I'll give you the number. And that we can, that we can end up having the conversation and then that we can get this worked out because I am excited about the future of this porta potty and the journey it's about to take do you have your dolly your hand truck ready i do have it ready the tires are flat but i will air them up all right pretty good yeah i hope eric and nick have got theirs ready too gavin you'll need one as well i could probably throw it in the back of Emily's car or SUV and take it to you, Gav. That's a good point. Thanks, Andrew.

You're right. This is going to be good content. We already talked about this. If this comes around on me, I know it wasn't intentional. I know it wasn't your aim, but that's going to mean a change of my path through the story. Yeah, I don't know what that means. What know that might mean a change of of my path through the story yeah i don't know what that means what what does that even mean what i guess some collateral you know splash back from from my end oh i'm fully prepared see i expected jeff to take the port-a-potty and then come back at me for some reason even though it's a great gift i expect a retaliation what i

never anticipated is jeff just running content. That's what shocked me. It sounds to me like I'm running towards content. You are now. It just keeps missing me. I feel like Jeff has salad creamed the port-a-potty. I think that's what's happened. Yeah, but salad cream was $5 in a grocery store. This is a $1,000 purchase.

Most expensive gift i've ever given anybody well it it doesn't matter andrew because i've got the sequel to salad cream for you okay you said last week that you were open to pickles no what no i'm not open to pickles okay you've closed what does that mean you close no no no no no i was open to the concept of things being pickled right i never said I was open to pickles. Whatever. It still works. Have you heard of Branston pickle?

No. Okay, so to me, when you're talking about pickles, like a pickle cucumber that you find in a burger and that, to me, that's like an American-style cucumber that I would call a gherkin. In a Big Mac, you've got a gherkin. Like, in a Big Mac, you got a gherkin in there. To me, pickle is like a brown paste that you get

out of a jar, and that is your next salad cream. Excuse me? I want you to buy... Let me get a picture of it for you, so we're on the same page. Okay, but, like, I don't like pickles. Right. But you like pickled onion. Okay. What does it taste like? So this, what this is, is if you open this jar, you'll be greeted to a brown sort of slimy goo with very small chunks of pickled onion in there.

And what you're going to do, Andrew, you're going to spread that onto a sandwich, maybe with a bit of cheese in there. So maybe like a cheese and pickle sandwich. Hard cheese or soft cheese? Hard. Probably if you aren't my opinion, I'd go for some, a nice chunk of British sharp cheddar and smear some of that on top. And that is a textbook British sandwich.

So all the British people right now, they're like licking their lips. They're like, oh, he's describing the perfect British sandwich. Like they all know what you're talking about. I think they'll know what I'm talking about. I think it is quite a polarizing thing. I wasn't a fan of it until my 20s.

I've always avoided Branson pickle, pickle in general. Is the consistency of Branson pickle, is it sort of like Vegemite or is it more like jelly? It's like it's got chunks. Like it's crunchy. So it's like preserves. It's all in like a brown gunk. Nothing about that sounds appealing or interesting. What's it taste like? Tastes pretty good actually. It's definitely

an acquired taste for me. Does it taste like pickles? Like your pickles? Like our American Gherkin pickles? No. Well there's no cucumber in it. It's onion. I think. Is that the fucking... Is that the sushi container?

Yeah, that's the sushi. That's what took me down. Those are the remnants. You can see the rib top left. It looks like a foot went through it. I can see the corners ripped. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that reminds me.

Before we started the show, you were saying something about being all hopped up on painkillers. Yeah, what happened? Oh, yeah. My ankle just andrew text me earlier like it like the shitty bathroom at the vans no not that bad but like bad he takes me earlier he said he just wrote one of your favorite comedic things happened and i was i read that i thought about it for a few minutes i just replied you rolled an ankle? And he replied, blew it out. What does that mean?

What does that mean? It means my ankle kind of exploded. Because last week, your ankle was in good shape. It was your back, I think, that was the problem. We were discussing the marathon. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was excited about it. I was ready. I was feeling like the marathon. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was excited about it.

I was ready. I was feeling like the marathon was going to happen. Then, you know, I get made fun of. I get teased for the fact that I keep so many things in my room. The waffle maker. I have a Keurig still next to my bed. I was just walking to the kitchen. And then all of a sudden I had a sharp pain in my ankle.

I thought, that's not good. Took a few steps. Still hurt. Six hours few steps, still hurt. Six hours later, whole ankle swollen. Just the entire thing. Tire ankle fucking just twisted in every angle. I was up until 5 a.m. just rolling constantly saying nowhere is good. Nowhere is comfortable.

No matter what position my foot is in, radiating pain. Just the absolute worst. You somehow have these colossal injuries that don't have a story. No. It's just like the anti-ankle story. Yeah. Yet somehow you're completely immobilized. What happened? I was walking to the kitchen, which is what you, I'm scared now.

I'm scared to go in that kitchen. I was just walking there. And then all of a sudden I did something to my foot and now I can't walk i can't stand oh it's bad it's a bad injury you know what it is what go ahead i do know what it is and it's unfortunate i think you were a real like legendary piece of shit in a previous life and you are paying karma for like some previous version of you and it's totally unfair because you're a decent dude. But the old you, like the previous Andrew, must have been a real shithead. Yeah.

I mean, that's viable, I guess. We're now potentially months out from the marathon again. No, I don't think it'll be that bad. Although I'm on a lot of painkillers right now. So maybe I'm underestimating. I'm hiding the pain as being mass. What percentage of painkillers taken throughout your life have gone to the ankle area oh 90 easily solid 90 i'd say i've taken more for ankle injuries than i have like a headache

without a doubt i'm like i'm like achilles but everything's bad and the ankles are just worse, like reverse Achilles. How do you do anything? I don't understand. It can just give out at any time for no reason. I think I must, maybe I heard it in the fall, the sushi fall, and it's just been hanging by a thread and then I just did an awkward angle. The back pain was delayed, so maybe the ankle was on an even longer delay. I think so, yeah.

That's a great point. But, yeah, not good. You need surgery, I think. I don't think it's a surgery thing. I don't know. What else would it be? I don't know. It's not sustainable.

Get it x-rayed. It's not, but I don't think it needs. It's not like I broke anything. It's just like a tendon thing. I've always had bad ankles. Couldn't skate for shit. It was bad. Not a great skater. Listen, man. I've always had bad ankles couldn't skate for shit it was bad not a great skater listen man

i've always had bad ankles so like that's the way to go through life you're not getting any younger it's only gonna get worse you should take you should fix it now do physical therapy or whatever yeah there's still time andrew don't give up on your ankles envision a life where you can roll over on the left side of your body and not sprain your ankle while you're sleeping that should be possible it's very rare the ankle thing kind of recovered for a while and it's just been recently the past three months i guess two ankle injuries this one won't be bad i think this will be okay it was just funny like the the level of which it was swollen it's like the whole whole every angle it's like i

pulled every muscle from every possible angle so you just look like a tree stump from the knee down yeah it's but it's like a bumpy tree stump it's it's like you're trying to feel out a word or something uh it goes up and down like there's braille inside your leg yeah it's like braille yeah that's what I was looking for. That's my ankle. Yeah, it's not great, but it'll be fine. Maybe don't go to the kitchen for a while. That's what I'm saying. Sounds pretty dangerous. It is, yeah. Keurig on

next to your bed is such a good idea. I'd still recommend that. Do you have carpet in your bedroom? No, I do not. I think you could do with more carpet. I think that would soften things for you. Less slipping. Well, maybe less slipping, but I don't know. Carpet, I'm not. I think you could do with more carpet. I think that will soften things for you. Less slipping. Well, maybe less slipping, but I don't know. Carpet, I'm not a fan. Are you still cooking with your Keurig?

Yeah. Yeah, if I have ramen, yeah. How many meals a day would you say you eat through the Keurig? Not often, many meals per day. I will say I've made more ramen significantly than I have made coffee using my Keurig machine. Yeah, yeah. Without a doubt. made more ramen significantly than i have made coffee using my keurig machine yeah yeah without a doubt do you would you say that the keurig company is potentially even uh like misadvertising

uh and missing a whole uh whole market that they don't understand they should definitely be promoting it for sure yeah i'd say ramen number one number two hot chocolate and then very distant coffee i don't think i've made a coffee since we did the show i'm sure they could make a nice big fat slot that you could put in a slab of ramen and it would slowly dispense out that's a brilliant idea you just load like a pez dispenser you just load a ramen cartridge in and then you we get like enough ramen that it looks like a full loaf of bread and you just stack them in and it's oh my god we dibs we got that registered trademark that's a face uh that's face face trademark see the the thing is there's a reason that hasn't been made

yet and usually you can sort of think forwardly towards why that is i don't know why that wouldn't work yeah everybody said that but they said that about the meat bracelet but in three years you won't be able to go to town lake without watching people watching people eat meat while they're jogging down the fucking trail you'll see maybe like the rameny crumbs would eventually all right i think that could work oh how does it disperse like do you put it in a container and then pull it out? I imagine you would stack up... You'd stack your ramen.

They would be stacked on. And you press, like, one or two, and it would just go... And it would fall into the machine into a chamber full of boiling water. And it would sit in there for a while. And then it would dispense through a little nozzle as loose-flowing ramen. I don't want loose-flowing ramen. That doesn't sound good. What do you mean? Here's what it looks like. It's how you eat it. No. I don't want loose flowing ramen. That doesn't sound right. What do you mean?

Here's what it looks like. It's how you eat it. No, I don't. You load the ramen in like it's a VCR, right? And then you shut it. Yeah. And then you hit a button and then it makes a little noise.

And then two minutes later, you know how you've seen how like when people pull pasta out when they're rolling pasta? It looks like that. It just kind of bubbles out that. It just kind of drops down into a bowl with the liquid. And I assume instead of a pouch of the flavor, instead of individual

pouches per ramen, you would just have an internal canister full of that stuff and you can pick the flavor as you're putting the noodles through. And it would just apply it. Yeah, or the noodles come pre-treated with their flavor even maybe. Yeah. Okay. I don't like the idea of having ramen out of a nozzle. That just seems upsetting to me.

Why not? It just seems upsetting. There's nothing appealing about that to me in any way that just seems bad. I wouldn't want that. You have a waffle in a bottle. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, but I don't even know

if we can call that a waffle at this point. Although I thought, should I try to cook that? Just out of curiosity. What would that turn out like? Before this episode ends, I wanted to ask Eric how budget conversations went. No, there have been people that have reached out and we will be getting more budget in the coming weeks. Don't worry about it right now.

And this also isn't pertinent to anyone listening that they would need to know anything about this no it is it is because we had the conversation a behind the scenes conversation in front of the audience we do yeah i agree and that's the only time that needs to happen oh so it only needs to happen when it's a behind the scenes conversation in front of the audience i see do you guys want to have a behind the scenes conversation in front of the audience right now yeah Yeah. Sure. Okay. What's this thing about budget I keep hearing about? I don't know. I wasn't really listening.

Yeah, what's up with that, Eric? Something about budget? I think we lost, Eric. Yeah, I don't think you want to stun me. Andrew, I'm doing this for you. I'm making sure that all of the future port-a-potties that you send to Jeff's house, I'm making sure they don't come out of your pocket. Let me stop you right there before you continue. Don't say when you send to Jeff's house, I'm making sure they don't come out of your pocket. Let me stop you right there before you continue.

Don't say when you send to Jeff's house. That's not what's happening here. Andrew might send them through my house, but they're not going to my house because they don't stay here. They go from my... Think of me as another warehouse. I receive the porta potty,

and then I determine, does it go to Nick, Eric, or Gavin? Or maybe back to Andrew, if I want to pay international fees. I just wanted to make that distinction. It never came from Andrew. No. It wasn't a Canadian port-a-potty. No.

Or maybe it will go to Andrew. Hmm. Well, first you have to receive it. That's step one. Get that fucking port-a-potty. Give me a call, people. have to receive it. That's step one. Get that fucking port-a-potty. Give me a call, people. I posted a number. I think at this point,

we're in a different game where Jeff is seeing how long this port-a-potty can stay in limbo, which is also interesting. It's going to be real interesting when a fucking Armada port-a-potty show up. That's going to be great. What's this? A tracking number? That that's the tracking i gave you a number i gave you a website you have no excuses you can't i'm not

you can't make me work on your thing well you're you refuse to i fucking refuse i'm right here i'm right here man yeah call them call, man. Yeah, call him. Call him. Do a simple thing. I can't. I'm doing a podcast. No, what do you mean you can't? This is hardly a podcast.

To call this a podcast is very generous. I was getting grief in the other one because I said I don't know where Indiana is. And everyone pointed out that I've been there. That doesn't... I feel like that changes nothing. You can fly to a place and have no idea where it is, right? Absolutely. is and everyone pointed out that i've been there that doesn't i feel like that changes nothing i've you can fly to a place and have no idea where it is right absolutely i've been to like 30 states if you ask me to point where they all are absolutely no idea i'm not flying the plane do i need to know that no i agree with you also it's like every single person every it's

i'm gonna guess it's americans you know because it's in indiana is in america and uh so I'm going to guess it's Americans making fun of you for not knowing where Indiana has been, even though they've been there. I bet you none of those motherfuckers can point to three cities on a map in England and say what they are. I'm sure if you were like point to Nottingham, they'd be like, I'm sure if they've been to Nottingham. Fine. But if they'd also been to 27 other cities in England I don't think they would necessarily be able to point out where Bath is or Ealing or Slough

Slough, Staines or East Farvenburg well East Havermeyer yeah Harvard Farzenmar Northern North those are old dumb jokes Harvard Farzenmar. Northern Nor-North. Northern Nor-North.

Those are old dumb jokes. Should we stop doing this podcast? Yeah, I think we're good. We got to do another one. End this. Andrew, do you need to pill up or anything before the next one? No, no, I'm good. Okay.

All right, well, this is the end of that podcast then. Oh, it trailed off. It ended on a bit quite low energy, didn't it? What do you mean? Well, now I can see how you would say that. How would you like

to rectify that? No, I agree. It ended on lower energy, but we want the openings to also have low energy. So isn't that a bookend for both things? Or is that too low?

Maybe we go low and we end high. Okay. Well, you love it when you go high. So please end this show on a high note, Jeff. Okay. Well, you love it when you go high, so please end this show on a high note, Jeff. Okay.

Hey, man. Thanks for listening to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast. This has been Jeff and Andrew and Gavin, but maybe Raymond, and Nick did the editing

and did the sound, and Eric did nothing but be grumpy because we asked him about his job and he doesn't want to talk about it, and he's all like,

brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, and hopefully you liked it and you laughed and maybe it even caused you to think a little bit about something different and uh if you're the port-a-potty guy give me a call i'm here right now i'll answer if i can and although i get pretty busy pretty fast so maybe i can't i don't know you sound like jack you sound like jack what does that mean it just sounded like jack you just interrupted the outro. I'm sorry. It was just like really like I didn't know if it was like on purpose. It was just like really. You're right.

I was trying to start low to work high so I could build it up. I feel like you just totally cut that off. I mean you could take the torch. You could continue at Jeff's energy level and go just end this. Thanks for listening to the podcast thank you guys did a great job

great podcast 44 stay tuned 45 see you next time is that good yeah that was good yeah it's over well I don't think that's what I did but fine