Regulation Podcast - Going Ape for Monkey Movies//A Friendship Ends Over Piss [5]

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about monkey movies, orangutans, game achievements, and messing with people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

all right oh god damn it one like one second into the fucking podcast and eric already ruined it hello this is face episode five we think nobody's entirely sure to be fair you try and start the podcast like i'm still sitting down eric's like gotta get out of here and you just go it's how do we know when you're gonna go i told you let's get started is everybody recording and then i said i'm on a fucking timetable because i gotta record other shit after this and everybody was like yeah yeah yeah and i go hello And then eight people talk at once. I'm Jeff.

You're Gavin. Where's the Canadian? Is it seriously episode four? No, it's five. I thought it was five. I could swear it was five. Eric's telling us it's four because he missed four. Yeah.

And he thinks that the world revolves around him. If he wasn't there for episode four, it never happened. It came out. It's up. It's on the site. Yeah, I'm pretty sure we did in episode four. And I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it had something to do with bathtub racing and basket weaving.

Maybe. I'll be honest, Jeff. I'll be honest. I'm disappointed that we got a sponsor. I'm very disappointed that it only took four episodes. The podcast is called F*** Face. I know. What are they doing?

I'm going to write to both of the sponsors we had last week and ask them if they know what they're sponsoring. It's ridiculous. Oh, man. It's a really good...

I've got to be honest with you. It was weird to do... Eric came to me and he goes, I got some ad reads for you. And I was like, nobody lets me do ad reads. What's it for?

And he was like, you're a podcast. And I went, really? So I did them. They were great. It was fun. And they came out, unlike every other ad read I've ever done for Rooster Teeth.

Forced anybody else with a pulse to rerecord, so there's no record of me trying to read an ad. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I had them removed from some versions. I did see that. You did have them removed from some versions. I did see that. You did have him removed from some versions. Thank you for that. You were right on top of it.

Oh, man. How's everybody doing? I'm doing pretty good. You guys do your homework from last week? What was the homework? Dunstan checks in. You guys didn't watch? No, I'm waiting to watch that together.

I'm waiting for like a Netflix party. Did you watch it with Alice? I'm not going to watch Dunstan checks in again. I dunstan checks in i know i'm not gonna you're gonna make me do that again it's a great movie i don't it's not great it's a it's like a five or four on movie terms it's like a three in terms of monkey movies not a good crazy how wait wait it ranks higher in general movies than it does in movies yeah because paul rubin's pretty good in it and jason alexander is like being george there's like some good parts to the movie thing not enough monkey got uh rupert everett yeah he's the bad guy right isn't he like

the shitty bad dude what a great bad guy that's a great bad guy he's fine he's not really in it i don't know i'm not watching it again. All right, Andrew. Before we get into anything else, now I got to know, what are your favorite monkey movies? I mean, MVP 2, I think, holds a Hall of Fame ranking that'll be hard to beat. But I've been on a tear of watching monkey movies since that conversation. I don't know if you guys have seen Going Ape. Am I the only one here that has seen that?

Hell of a monkey movie. You guys not know what Going what going ape is there's a lot of monkey movies out there is this like a not established genre am I am I weird for liking monkey movies this much I mean there's a planet of the apes franchise I guess and I remember gorillas in the mist and project x and fuck there are a lot of monkey. I feel like they need to be categorized into played by real monkey movies and Andy Serkis monkey movies. Couldn't agree more. Going Ape, though.

I can't believe you guys don't know about Going Ape. It's a Tony Danza and Danny DeVito monkey movie from the Apes. Yeah, but an ape isn't a monkey. Oh, it's an orangutan. What is an orangutan? Is that a monkey? Orangutan.

No, no. I mean, they're all primates, right? But they're not all monkeys. Like, King Kong's not a giant monkey. Wait, orang- orangutan? It's not tan? Orangutan. Wait, no. Are you fucking with me? There's no other G on the end of it. That's just what people say. It's not like a fizzy drink. It's not an orangutan.

You don't slurp it in space. No. I can't tell. This isn't a bit. It's not a bit. I thought it was an orangutan my whole life. This is like shocking. It's not that shocking.

Wait. It ends with an N. There's no G. Are you sure about that? No, there's a G in the middle. Is this like an Eric episode four thing? It's a, yeah, essentially. It's a one G word.. It's a 1G word.

Orangutans. Holy shit. That's a terrible name. Who wants to, orangutans. Do you know why they're called that? It's because they're tan colored. That's stupid. That's not true.

That bit was a lie. That's not, no, I'm not. That's not happening, Kevin. Not that time. Can I tell you one fact i know can i tell you can i interrupt you to tell you the one thing i know about orangutans other than how to spell the name such a bullshit name orangutans orangutan is way better orangutan is way better i when i find out it was orangutan i went that is so much cooler than orangutan orangutan sounds like a

fucking hook character it doesn't sound real i like it here's the one the one fact i know about orangutans which i find to be simultaneously fascinating and kind of heartbreaking a baby orangutan doesn't leave its mother's body for the first probably year year and a half it's alive like it hangs on her like at all times like there's no pouch like a a pouch creature i can't marsupial a marsupial thank you uh i i could not think of the word kangaroo to save my fucking life for one second um or koala uh anyway but it just hangs on its mother the entire time and then one day it's like all right i guess i'm i guess i'm grown up enough and then it heads off into the woods and lives a life of solitude for the rest of its life. Only as a male, a male orangutan.

Only coming out of the woods during mating season to procreate and then to go back and live a life of solace again. Orangutans are like the monks of the animal world. So what does it do in the off season, in the non-bang season? It contemplates the universe. It probably does a lot of tai chi wonders what the sound of one hand clapping is they're very sage creatures i i don't know they just they they're just they spend a lot of time alone it's a fucking monkey it probably jacks off and sticks its finger up its butt but it eats bugs is the orangutan in

jungle book a bad guy no uh no i don't think so okay i don't i just it's been decades since i've seen it i remember there being a little bit of a kerfuffle with the the orangutans and then he wanted to get away did you ever see the live action remake of that yeah which one the new one that the new initiative dish disney's doing where they're doing shot for shot no i didn't i didn't see that i haven't seen any of those either. They creep me out, but people seem to fucking love them. Anyway, Andrew, you're going ape. Going ape. It's Tony Danza movie, Danny DeVito.

Tony Danza plays the son of a guy that ran a circus. It was a family run circus. He decides he doesn't want to run the circus. His dad dies, and he says, I will give you $5 million if you take care of my orangutans for five years. It kills me to my orangutans for five years. It kills me to say orangutans. It's really this is devastating. It pains me.

But that's the plot. And so Tony Danza and Danny DeVito live in this New York apartment and they need to take care of these five orangutans for five years. And if they don't, then they don't get any money. That's the entire plot of the movie. It's great. One of the monkeys is named Poppypy and just drinks a six-pack constantly this movie came out in 1981 and has a 3.9 on imdb 1981 that to me that i it's i think it's rare to see a movie rated so low on imdb 3.1 on imd maybe. 7.9 on my monkey scale. Good monkey. Okay.

It's up there. How many movies are on the monkey scale? Oh, there's a lot. I mean, three MVPs. You know, I'm about to... What's the Clint Eastwood... Jeff, do you know the Clint Eastwood orangutan movie? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Any Which Way But Loose or Every Which Way But Loose.

Haven't watched that yet. Left Turn Turn Clyde yeah those are great movies wait they made there's two of them I think there's at least two yeah and the way it is

is like Clint Eastwood plays a like a bare knuckles boxer who is maybe also a truck driver at some point or his best friend is a truck driver

and he keeps having to do these like bare knuckles boxing matches for money and then his sidekick is Clyde the orangutan what's wrong with Danny DeVito's teeth in the movie poster does he have some like false teeth on or did he just get his teeth did since then that's a great question I don't there's no bit with his teeth but there's a lot of just uglier there yeah he

looks very ugly in that movie and it feels sort of like a choice like he's super hairy he has almost no lines of dialogue it's weird that he's even in it like he doesn't need to be I think it might be makeup and prosthetics because I saw him in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest recently and uh he was very young in it and his teeth looked fine

they looked like normal teeth what a weird creative decision 1981 that movie came out when i was six a i've never heard of it which is crazy to me because i'm obsessed with my childhood and content from that era but b that means tony danza had a career before who's the boss and i didn't know that i thought who's the boss was like where he came from but now i guess i'm learning i don't know a fucking thing about tony dan. Wasn't he in Taxi? Fuck, he was in Taxi.

And that was before Who's the Boss? See? And he was in Taxi with goddamn Danny DeVito. Oh, yeah, they were both in that. And he was in, and I think he was in, ah, fucking I'm stupid. That's right. I do know a lot about, I've forgotten more about Tony Danza than I realized I ever knew. You were stupid and we recorded it.

That's awesome. That's great. What do you think you've forgotten the most of? You've clearly forgotten a lot of Tony Danza. I have, in my life, a lot of sports statistics. I grew up, like, you know how much I love basketball and the NBA. And I mean, you, Gavin, and you, Andrew, you audience, I don't know why you would know that about me. And it's a little weird if you do.

But I'm a huge, huge basketball, Boston Celtics fan, have been since 1986. As big a basketball fan I am now, I was a bigger baseball fan then. And I don't remember any of that shit now. So there's probably about, I probably about 25 years of of baseball knowledge that i flushed down the the alcohol toilet during my life how about you gavin what do you think you've forgotten the most of in your life just how to do maths and stuff i didn't i forgot that just the second i took the test like uh just algebra actually stuff that i didn't think i would ever use again but i've needed to because of various like photography based algorithms and that uh and i just don't remember

how to do that stuff anymore it's pretty sad uh long division i i've i know i've relearned that several times and i keep forgetting some of the quirks of that pisses me off that one needs to stay i i need to use long division all the time long division i still feel really comfortable with it doesn't scare me yeah yeah algebra however jesus christ man my kids started taking algebra like in sixth grade and that's when she's she surpassed me in math she might as well be a fucking nasa scientist today compared to how dumb i am when it comes to math was that a a sad moment where she was like, hey, how do you do this? And you're just like, shit.

Yeah. Well, it became like because, you know, her mom and I are divorced and we split custody. So it became like a thing where she would be like, I'd be like, what kind of homework do you have tonight? And she's like, uh, you know, just whatever. And I'm like, well, I'll help you with it. And she's like, I think I'm good. And it's like, oh, is it math homework? She's like, I'll wait for you.

I'll wait for my mom. I'll go. I'll do that next to her. You can help me with social studies later. And I'm like, I'll help you with social studies. Absolutely. Let's, you know, let's do reading. And then with math and science, that gets done at the other house.

What have you forgotten about, Andrew? Boat safety. I don't remember much of that. Oh, I forgot boat safety. This podcast is so full circle. We just go in tiny one to two episode loops before moving on. Yeah, I don't know. I took the approach of just never really learning any of the math stuff,

so I wouldn't have to forget it. That was my strategy. But yeah, boat safety, I'd say. I don't know. I forget a lot of stuff, and I don't drink, so I wish I had that almost as an excuse. There are things all the time I forget, or I just don't read. Gavin knows this. When I play a game, I play a lot of video games, and I miss things all the time.

Like even in old games I played before. Oh, God. What was that game recently? You played the entire thing, missing a very important mechanic. What was that? Yeah, it was control, and I didn't know that you could fast travel. I just was running everywhere. I was just using the map.

I thought you just took those to level up or stuff. I never really interacted with those. And I was blown away because there's lines of dialogue and actual plot points that force you to go through one of those. lines of dialogue and actual like plot points that force you to go through one of those to so to then come out the other side of that without without the knowledge that you just you could do that all the time that blew my mind yeah i learned very late and that's a game like it takes ages to get from place to place in control and you have to fight through areas where enemies just respawn i feel like that game would take twice as long without fast travel. It was a nightmare because it also had a bug

where your map would open and not show any of the map. Like, it would just be blank. So, yeah, it was terrible. That game should win an award for one of the worst maps ever to be put into a video game. There was, like, tunnels and, like, janitor paths and shit where it's freaking impossible to know where you are on that map to get from like where you're stood to 20 feet away absolutely impossible to figure out

from the map garbage it's terrible i'm glad i never played that game hey andrew if it makes you feel any better i 100%ed the xbox 360 game crackdown without knowing that there was auto in like i probably put 60 to 70 hours into it, collecting all the orbs and killing every enemy, and I had no clue there was a fucking auto-aim until I watched somebody else play it. Was that like your criticism of the game? It's like, aiming's really hard. Crackdown aiming was challenging. I just got used to it until somebody pointed out how fucking dumb I was.

You may have been the best Crackdown player ever, just by not knowing. It's really impressive. I don't ever play PlayStation, so I plugged in a PlayStation at work a few years ago to make some videos in infamous Second Son, and I played the entire goddamn game from start to finish with one of the component cables pulled out. So the game was just green and blue.

I thought it was just fucking style. I thought it was stylistic. There are guides online, like Achievement Hunter guides in that game, where it's just the color red's not there. Wait, you captured it that way as well? Yeah. I think it was Michael from work who pointed out, and he was like, dude, what's wrong with your screen?

And I was like, I don't know, I'm just playing the game. And he was like, no, there's... And he goes back and he fixes it and the game changed on me. I probably had, I probably had 10 hours into it at that point. It's a really nice stylistic choice.

It's, it's so stylistic that even the dashboard, it bleeds over into that for some reason. It's fucking terrible. And when you see it, you go,

ah, I am obviously the dumbest person on the planet. But thankfully, there are Andrew Pattons out out there and gavin i got you beat to share that stupid load i feel like i've worked hard on a lot of your achievements jeff like uh speaking of crackdown we we did all the racing ones didn't we yeah we did yeah gavin used to come in and live with me every summer for like 90 days until he eventually moved to america and i remember we were playing that we were playing that game together when it came out so this is you know 2012 maybe 11 is a long time ago and uh you went back to england and we still had to finish some

of the achievements so we were doing it together yeah i think this was i think this was 2009 or 2007 wait was it crackdown one it was probably it was crackdown one we've known each other a long ass time yeah and uh we it would be so late at night for me and so early in the morning for you because of the time difference. And I was, you know, a heavy drinker back then that I would pass out drunk and I would just stop responding to you and you would pick up my car. You would kill all the... The cool thing about that game and the races is you can kill the other cars, the other

competitors. Yeah, Jeff wasn't great at the racing. So I would just use the ramp car thing and go around the track backwards and just bump every car that he was racing against off the road. And all he had to do was just finish. Like, I did all the work. By the time it was lap three, there were no other cars.

They were all flipped off into the ocean and shit. And I was like, all right, Jeff, everything's off the track. And all I could hear down the headset was... And he was just parked against a railing i was like jeff's freaking falling asleep i've done all the work here and he's just passed out so i because it's cracked down yeah i just lifted up his car and just ran his car around which which took like 20 minutes because i'm on foot holding a car and he got the achievement it actually worked hey man i appreciate i would

have done the same for you if i'd been awake i really appreciate it i did some literal heavy lifting for your achievements i mean i i wouldn't feel too bad jeff i got gavin his halo 2 lasso achievement you would be lost without without that oh my god yes full circle that was that was gonna make me put down the entire master chief collection what was that achievement so lasso halo 2 lasso is uh legendary all skulls on we do it a lot on achievement hunter and uh halo 2 is the hardest one the elites i mean that's a hard game just on legendary for some reason iron is like on by default so every time one of you dies you both go back a checkpoint the elites fire ridiculously fast kill you instantly so with all the other skulls on like famine and blind all that shit it's an

incredibly frustrating and difficult experience if you start the lasso playlist co-op it skips a level called armory which is like hey look up look down go and stand in the shield thing because it doesn't want you there's no there's no room for two people to do that. So it just skips you straight to Cairo Station. You can then beat the entire game co-op on Lasso and you'll get to the end and nothing will happen. The achievement will not unlock. And that's because the armory is incomplete.

To do it, to get the achievement, you have to play the armory on lasso solo. Even though there's no enemies in the game, you have to, for some reason, know to do that first. Otherwise, that level remains incomplete and the playlist remains unbeaten. And you can't go back and do it after the fact, right? You have to do that first. Because it's a playlist, you can't just go back, do the armory, and then finish the Great Journey, which is the last level. You can't do that because you can't pick that level once you've beaten it.

It starts you at Cairo Station again. So the only way to do it is to solo lasso on the armory and then play the entire game again. Unless you have a friend called Andrew Panton who grabs you a checkpoint from the very last level. Hey, I earned. Grabbed is like I picked it up. Like I did that whole fucking campaign. Way to belittle my accomplishment. Jesus.

Sorry. Yeah, you went through the whole game with someone else. Is that right? Yeah. You know what the funniest part about that is? That poor guy. He's a friend of mine that I went through it with in co-op because you did it with dan so i was like i need a co-op partner so dan can get the achievement too yeah um and then that never happened so that

guy still doesn't have halo that was like 10 months ago we've got to get a hold of dad to finish that up i mean the downside is you actually have to play the last level again though you do like you and i andrew we we spent a solid couple of hours trying to do it didn't we to finish that up. The downside is you actually have to play the last level again, though. You do. Like, you and I, Andrew, we spent a solid couple of hours trying to do it, didn't we? Yeah, it was like three or four hours. Oh, it's brutal, and you need to do a glitch. You have to fight that big dude at the end.

Yeah, Tartarus. Tartarus. So I want to put this in perspective for listeners who may not be as into video games as us if you say you're a normal dude let's say you had a task of putting an entire Volkswagen bug together like it was in a thousand billion pieces like the engine and everything

and you put the entire Volkswagen 1965 Volkswagen bug together and there was one washer on the ground and you can't drive it until that washer's back in. So you have to take the fucking car apart and then do it all over again. That's the way to put it

in terms of normal people. It's about the same amount of work. Yeah, the entire playthrough probably took Dan and I 35 hours, I would say. It's terrible. And there's only like 15 levels. It was, and you can't save, right,

in co-op? No, no, yeah. If your connection drops, you have to start that level again. Yeah, so I had this funny thing where the person I was playing co-op with, he had to, we were playing on the weekend, and he had to go to work. And then he just cycled in roommates that he lived with. And I played with all three of his roommates throughout the day because they each had to go to work at different times and by the time like

he went he left work and by the time he came back we were still stuck on the same level and he came back it's a hell of a grind it just kicks you in the balls over and over I wouldn't want to do that again all of that work and all of those people combined went into it so that Gavin

you could hear, you could see a little window pop up on your Xbox and hear a noise go ding. Yeah, don't act like it's not satisfying and don't act like you didn't start an entire department of rooster teeth based around that. Yeah, no, I say that I'm down to playing one video game and I'm like 800 hours into it or 1200 hours into it, whatever, just to get stupid fucking achievements. And it's so bad. They named one after me as a taunt.

And I'm now six months later, I'm 22 percent of the way there. And I think it's going to take me at least 18 more months, at least maybe two years. It's and I play it for at least an hour a day every day. It's fucking brutal. That's awful and it's like and and like it's like the biggest fuck you ever because the the way they did it by making this bullshit brutal grind of an achievement and then and then calling me out and said literally the achievement is called try this one jeff and now everybody in that community and that plays that game fucking hates me.

Now they know who I am because I'm the guy that got this achievement added to the game that ruined it for everybody. And what's great is for the developers, it probably took like a couple of minutes of typing something to add that achievement. Yeah, yeah. But for me, it's going to be two and a half years of my life.

It was so funny to go through like an achievement sites message board for that achievement and just seeing people being like, hey, you see this bullshit you see this fucking bullshit achievement can you believe this and like increased anger and then it like turned to like who the fuck is jeff who do we need to talk to about this this sucks and then them finding out who you are and then just being angry at you and that was not your fault at all every once in a while i get a tweet that's just like, thanks, dickhead. I know what it is. I'm like, yeah, I know.

My bad. That's a true global scale face for you, Jeff. I face myself and the entire community of this game. I have no idea how many people play this game, Gems of War, but... Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you.

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Oh my god. Oh, speaking of games though, Millie and I, my daughter and I, started playing a new, uh, not a new game, an old game, but I don't know why nobody told me how much fun Sea of Thieves is. But holy shit, that game is great. You never played Sea of Thieves? No, not really. I think I did one video at work in it years ago,

like right when it came out, but Millie and I just started doing like little two-man pirate ship parties where we go and dig up treasure and stuff. It's fucking awesome. It's really good. It's also a game that can just lead you in so many places you didn't expect.

Like you could start digging treasure and then like a Megalodon will show up and then another crew will show up and that is a game where you're constantly like we're gonna get off in 10 minutes and do this thing and then you play for three more hours because something new just keeps happening do you still have your messages from the uh ship people that you heisted that one time i was gonna say yeah i had this encounter so when you hit the max level in sea of thieves jeff you become a pirate legend. You have to do it across three of the factions. It's like they've got the gold hoarders. How long

does it take to do this and what's the level? It's 50 and it's going to take you a long time. You used to be able to buy your way there essentially if you wanted, but it is, I'd say, I don't know, at least 20 hours per faction, maybe that might be a little high, but it's a lot. It's hard. OK, so anyway, once you become pirate legend, you unlock this special chest and you can level up your pirate pirate legend status via that chest. It's the only way to do it.

It takes like 90 minutes to go through the quest and you get that chest at the end. But for how Sea of Thieves works is you don't get any credit for it unless you cash it in so like you could do all that work and get nothing and i was playing and i saw this boat and so i hopped in it and i was laying down and i saw they had a bunch of shit and i was like this is great and they dropped one of those chests in i thought this is amazing i'm gonna steal it so i just i waited and once they all left i grabbed it threw it in their rowboat disconnected and just paddled away. Left immediately. I stole it. It's one of the greatest feelings I've had in gaming in like years.

But I'm already max level with Pyro. I had no reason to take the chest. It was just, it was fun. Just to ruin their day. And the way this works is literally like in this video game Sea of Thieves, it's a sea of islands and ocean. And you and three of your buddies hop in a boat. And then you just swim around stealing shit from other people or killing other people or digging up treasure. And so you saw them get off their boat and you just stole their essentially their chest and swam away in their own in their rowboat.

In their rowboat. And since I already had the chest or I had the max level, I was like, well, I don't really need this. Did be a waste if I just did this by myself So I tweeted if anyone needs rep just let me know and I'll send you an invite the previous week I got banned from Xbox live for being nice and see a thieves And so Gavin made a joke to the tweet saying like hey like this is a bannable offense or something and then once Gavin did we got the tweet got way more attention, so people were messaging me.

And I just got this random party invite, and I was like, oh, I guess they saw the tweet. And so I joined the party, and it was four people, and they immediately said, where are you right now? Do you steal the chest? And my heart dropped.

I was so nervous. I thought it was somebody wanting to join it was the people i stole the chest from they went into their recent players and they were interrogating everybody that was a recent player and they said did you steal the chest did you cash it in and i'm i'm sitting in the rowboat and i'm looking at the chest and i they asked if i sold it i said no absolutely did not do it did not sell it don't know what you're talking about and they kept asking me questions and it was getting more and more intense like interesting well where were you at uh crooks lagoon that's where we were a little while ago were you near

that area what island were you what quest are you doing it's like they had the light in front of my face and i was just answering i was just lying through my teeth. I forgot to mention the important part. I was so happy with myself. I was clipping, I was making screen clips, or like screenshots, and recording clips the entire time I did it. So while they're talking to me, if they go into my profile and look at my feed, they will see all the video footage of me stealing their shit. And so I'm talking to them and lying, and like please just don't don't look at my profile So bad and so we're talking we talked for like 10 minutes, and they're like over the message Yeah, yeah, we're in a party chat We talked for like 10 minutes, and then this other person came into the party. He was interrogating someone else at a tavern

He's like I'm talking to this guy he's also denying it I don't know what's going on here but we think it's one of you two and I just kept saying I have no idea what you're talking about man I'm so sorry that happened to you that's happened to me that's the worst like you try so hard and just to have it taken from you that's bullshit

it's too bad that that can happen and so we ended up being friends and they all added me because I was such a nice guy. And then I couldn't I couldn't resist. So like the next night I sent the video. I sent the video clip of me stealing it. I'm so sorry. And it turned into a massive argument.

The guy was so upset. I thought he'd think it was funny. He did not find any humor in the situation. And it just kept escalating and he was such a dick I start like I flipped and said you're making me the hero of this story you are such a dick right now that you are now the

villain and he did not like that he just got progressively more upset the more I called him the bad guy I bet he did not feel like the villain he was a dick the game is called sea of thieves there's it's what the game is called i didn't make the game i'm just playing the game he was really mad i wish i could remember what he said he was an asshole like i stole the 90

minute chess not a great thing i'm not advocating it, but yeah, he was upset. Well, goddamn, dude. Well, as you say, it sounds like you were playing the game as designed. How did it resolve? Did you give the chess back? No, I sold it. What do you mean? Give it back?

What do you mean? What? That was never on the table. Ridiculous question. Did I not sell the chest? Concerned. Of course I sold the chest. I don't think I've ever heard that story before.

Dude, I was getting the live updates. I was getting the clips. To be hearing about it in real time was awesome that was like new stuff every hour every day was a new i'm just checking on andrew it was awesome i'm sad i missed that episode of the andrew podcast that we used god damn dude i'm glad i caught up on it did you guys not fuck with people like that in video games ever yeah? Yeah! Yeah, all the time. I used to. Not so much anymore because... It's tough.

Because I got... Because I got f***ed faced by that Jim's Award game and I'm not allowed to play another video game for the next two and a half years. Jesus. Yeah, I mean, I'll mess with my co-workers, but I just don't really interact with strangers in games these days. I'm never just, like, hopping online. It's really hard to know.

Like, everyone's in a party now on Xbox. Yeah. used to do this thing I was such a dickhead uh I called it light bright uh when halo remember when halo 3 first came out everyone wanted recon armor like that was the big as the get like you couldn't get the only way to get recon armor in halo 3 was somebody who worked at the studio that made it gave it to you yes so everyone wanted it and at this time there's no party chat so everyone was just in local chat so I'd go into big team battle because that's the game that had the most players and I would tell I'd say to people hey my uncle works at Bungie I got the recon code everyone let's group up on me after this I'll give you guys the recon code I got this we can all get recon it's gonna be amazing

and so I'd get like 12 or 13 people to go with me into a private lobby and then I would say okay everyone ready and I'd just say a random combination of buttons as fast as I could I'd go like left bumper left bumper right bumper right bumper down down left right

up down click left stick right stick right bumper left bumper and I'd do this for a while, but I'd always end it by saying, hold your middle button, which when you hold the middle button on an Xbox controller, after like three seconds, a prompt comes up that says, do you want to shut off your controller, your console, or there's something else it said. And so I'd get to there and I'd say, hold the middle button, double click up, triple click, triple click A click a triple click a and when you did that you would shut your console off and whenever you would turn your console off in Halo 3 it would say first that your controller disconnected so the whole party would just like start blinking of people that turn their console off and I do

this all the time I light brighted so many so many people, just for my own enjoyment. That's what you call it, light-brighting? Yeah, I was calling it light-brighting. It was a game I did. Because the whole thing, everybody would start blinking, and the worst was when I'd get people multiple times. I was terrible. Like, I'd message them after they turned back on,

or sometimes they'd message me and say, like, fuck you. I'd say, what happened? Why are you upset? They'd say, it didn't work. You just got me to turn off my Xboxbox and I was like well It's part of the code. I guess I don't know that's weird. Do you want to try it again? I got recon I know what you're complaining about and then we do it again I had one guy do it three times and then I just stopped cuz I felt so bad They just kept turning his console off. Oh, you didn't get it. Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry, man. Well, hey, I got another code. Let's try that one. And then he was really annoyed, and you were like, look, you're being the bad guy right now.

You're being a villain. You're making me the hero. I'm trying to give you what you want, and you dumb fingers can't accommodate. Do you do stuff like that? You're a bad person. Yeah. I did. oh do stuff like that you're a bad person yeah uh i did well when i was of that age i did a lot of that shit in person you know like in high school and stuff because i was you know it was

before online gaming so i i didn't have the opportunity to be 19 on the internet uh in a video game lobby so we would do stuff like i would get three of my friends or two of my friends together and we would get a friend a kid who we kind of knew who hadn't hung out with us on like on a Friday night and my friend had this Camaro that was cool to drive around in and we would let the new guy sit in the Camaro and then we would tell them about this game we played where you go behind this one bar in town and they have like a loading dock door and we would pile a bunch of trash cans up over the loading dock door. And then there's like a bell you would ring and you hit the bell and

people would open the door and push all the trash cans over and all the trash would spill out and you drive away. That's what people did for fun in the 1990s in Alabama for high school. I would do that behind Walmarts, behind like CVS or Eckerd's back then. Like any store that had a loading dock and a bell you could ring at night, you would do that. But what we would do is we would talk about it at school a lot

and then we would get a new kid to go with us and then we would send him out to do it. And then as soon as he rang the bell, we would honk the horn a bunch and then drive off and just leave. And then come back like 15 minutes later and find the guy hiding in a bunch, and then drive off, and just leave. And then come back, like, 15 minutes later, and find the guy hiding in a bush somewhere, and pick him up.

We would do, like, that kind of shit every fucking day. I did, like, from, like, the day I turned 16 until the day I graduated high school, I did something like that every day. But we never did it in video games.

It's a lot more fun in video games, because there's no threat. You just leave. The threat's part of the fun. And it's been done to me before too and i fucking turned around and i reached for the car and they spun off and i fell down in the gravel and i cut my hands all up and there was blood everywhere i had to run into a fucking neighborhood just to hide yeah i definitely got my comeuppance for for that kind. Like, did I ever tell you about the time in high school where we went to do that? And I was going to do it behind the Walmart. And we went behind one side of the Walmart and my friends let me out.

And I knew they were going to drive off. And they did. So I thought I decided to get them back. And so my friends, like, they like, it's like a loop, right? And so I'm behind the Walmart. I set up the trash cans and stuff. I hadn't hit the buzzer. I pretended like it because I knew my friends were it was like a loop, right? And so I'm behind the Walmart. I had set up the trash cans and stuff. I hadn't hit the buzzer. I pretended like it because I knew my friends were going to drive off.

So then I went and I stood kind of where I knew they were going to come back around. And I faced away and I started peeing on the ground. And I was going to try to time it because I heard the lights coming. Then when my friends came back around, I was going to swing around and piss on them and try to piss in their car, but at least hit the windshield, right? I was going to try to get my friend James, who was driving, and what happened was, they pulled up behind me,

and I thought, now's my chance, and I swung around to piss on them, and it was a security guard in a pickup truck, and so I pissed all over the left front panel of his pickup truck, and he goes, he goes, what the fuck?

Or something along those lines, and I got, and I went, I went, ah! And I put my hands up, as if, like if like he was gonna he didn't have a he was he had his hands on the steering wheel but i put my hands up and surrender and my pants fell down and i just started pissing out uh because i was still peeing and then i looked down and he i saw him open his door and i just picked up my pants and i started running

and i ran for the woods behind the Walmart and I hit a ditch and I fell into it and I fell into mud and brambles and I got up and I ran with my pants around one leg fucking shirt on dick out pants trailing behind by one leg into a neighborhood at 11

o'clock on a Friday night and hid behind a tree and while I was figuring out how to, I was picking hitchhikers out of my pubic hair and out of my leg hair, trying to put my pants back on and a light turned and hit me and I went, oh my god, and I hit the ground and I turned around and it was my friends and

after they made me clean off, they let me in the car and we went home. So you were like stumbling around falling in mud with you there's probably like an imprint of your penis in some mud there oh yeah yeah and i pissed all over myself too like my shoes my pants i was just covered in mud and dirt and piss and embarrassment yeah and somewhere in alabama if that dude is still alive there's a security guard who has a story about a

time in like 1992 when he heard a noise and he drove behind the Walmart, pulled up to a guy he thought was in distress, and the guy turned around and tried to piss on him. Pissed all over the truck and then ran off into the woods with his ass hanging out. Dude, piss is no joke. I watched a friendship end over piss. Really? Yeah, there was like some people that were sort of outside of my friendship group, but we'd always see them in the pub. They were like a double act. They were always together. And one night on the way

home from the pub, we were all just walking home and one of them was just taking a piss on one of the buildings. And then he just sort of span it around and pissed on the other guy. Just like slung a bit of piss on him and went on his jeans. The other guy kicked off. He was like swearing and trying to shove him and he

just said you are dead to me and they i've never saw them together again are you serious it was it that was it just like a half an inch of piss in a cup worth just up his jeans and that was it is that a uh is that a cultural thing in england is that a very is urine a super big offense in your country with your people? I don't know I mean for me if that happened to me I'd be it wouldn't end the friendship I'd be like oh come on that's like spitting on someone

it's like just not to be done you don't piss on friends you don't spit on someone's face because it's just like oh come on I'd rather be punched than spat on. You say that you say that but you once agreed that you would let me sit in your lap and shit in your lap and see if i lift up from the from the from the like the the pressure of the poop coming out for two thousand dollars

obviously agree to that knowing that you would never be able to do it. You would never be able to bring yourself to let poo come out of you while you're sat on me. I don't know, man. I accepted that as a challenge. That will never happen. I guarantee it. If it does happen,

I mean, it would be with consent. We would set it up and you would be okay with it. But if I was able to pull through, would you be impressed or horrified? Would it affect our friendship? No, I don't think it would because because i mean i instigated it i i know it's coming i know i'm probably gonna immediately get in a shower you say that now but i think when your friend shits in your lap like everything goes out the window i don't think you can plan for that i think the rules change after it happens I don't know like it's it's so

intimate well not even necessarily intimate I don't know it just it's one of those things where I just feel like you can't predict how you'd feel I'd feel warm I mean you can't that's the point can't argue that that's a good point I think what would get to me is that I would gag a lot there would have to be a lot of vomit, right? Like I would throw up. You would throw up immediately, which would make you throw up. Because I would be grossed out by it. And then Andrew's filming the whole thing.

And then he starts to retch because we're not because he's not out. He's in this like he doesn't escape this. Andrew is the documentarian here because you're a part of this podcast and now you're a part of this story andrew we're flying you in you're filming the whole thing and you're writing a thousand word essay on your experiences that's what your involvement in this is i'm getting the impression that we shouldn't do this okay at any point wait no you're now getting the impression you've now been sold that this is a bad idea I mean you say that you wouldn't You wouldn't allow that Andrew

This is Jeff we're talking about he's Griff He's famous What do you do you get anything out of this Two grand No You can have two grand as well You get two I get two Gavin gets two You have the easiest job in the world

Wait wait wait where's this money coming from Wait I get two, Gavin gets two. You have the easiest job in the world. Wait, wait, wait. Where's this money coming from? Wait, I thought you were paying me two grand. Why would I pay you $2,000 to shit in your lap? I think I did say that. I don't want that anymore. Listen, the economy's all fucked up now. There's a coronavirus. There's 427 million people in America are unemployed.

I'm not going to throw $2,000 of shit into your lap. We're going to have to find some outside financing, an angel investor, we'll do a Patreon, I don't know, pay-per-view maybe, but I'm not footing the bill anymore. Alright, from this point on then, we'll let sales know that people are only allowed to sponsor us if

they also provide the shit money up front. Let's, uh, we'll take a step back and evaluate on that. yeah i don't think i'll need a cat i'll just sell i'll sell the footage i'm sure i could find some place i would want that like only fans or something all right yeah yeah i mean it could be there i don't know i'm not gonna judge people i don't know where i could sell that thing but i bet you could sell that somewhere i bet you could too yeah think of it like this you could be essentially the new hunter s thompson you could sell that thousand word essay to rolling stone andrew and become a cultural phenomenon and usher in a new era of creative edgy journalism this is this one event this 1000 word essay could change

your life the trajectory and course of your life for the next 50 years that's exciting he did like an investigative piece on the Hells Angels, right? Like that was his one of his breakthrough things. He did that as well. Yeah, that's that was what was culturally relevant at that time in America. This is what would be, I assume, culturally relevant in 2020, 2021 in North America. I don't think this is ever going to be culturally relevant anywhere. No culture at any point, I think, would find this culturally relevant. I wouldn't want that footage, to be culturally relevant anywhere no culture at any point i think would

find this culturally relevant i i wouldn't want that footage to be honest like there's always stuff that you would want to see like like if you found out two of your friends had a sex tape you'd probably watch it you'd probably be like i gotta see what that's about i would not if i found out there was like a poo video i would not i would not seek that out am i in the minority i'm not wanting to watch the sex tape but you would watch it though out of curiosity i think you would i think i think you're chatting shit there nope i think you're chatting shit as well yeah and but that actually brings up a question now that i think about it that i never considered before sort of an orange versus orange question somewhere out there somebody watched Girls, One Cup for the first time and went, Danielle?

Clara? Is that my cousin? Or didn't I have geometry with her in 10th grade? People out there watched Glass Ass or Lemon Party or Tub Girl or knife ass or whatever any of those videos from that era don't google it don't watch any of those any of it it's worse than shitting in your best friend's lap don't do it but if you did there's a chance you might know the person on the other end of that uh of that video or image and that that humanizes it, I think. I don't think you'd recognize Tub Girl. I don't know.

No one knows who that is, surely. Somebody must. That. And I think we just lost Gavin. Well, Andrew, I don't know about you, but I can't think of a better place to end it than on Gavin making himself rich. And that's based off a memory of an image that I haven't seen in over 10 years.

And should never see again. Never should have seen it the first time, for that matter. Oh, my God. It's like when I was a kid in high school, it was all about faces of death. Everybody would trade VHS tapes of faces of death. And now the internet is like every day, every video, every, I guess, scene and every faces of death at all times, everywhere you turn.

It's fucking, you know, it's scary and gross place. I don't think this one will have sponsors. I'll be honest. Well, I gotta, I gotta be honest with you too. The more I think about it, I might've been arguing to be contrarian. I'm not sure I wanna poop on you. I'm thinking maybe Andrew might be onto something.

Maybe it's more fun in theory to have the discussion than to do it in practice. I would agree with that. I would say let's leave it on the table. All right, let's take it off the table. Let's not leave it on the table. Let's firmly remove it from the table, put it in a trash can, light it on fire. This does not need to be off the table. No, no, no. Let's not leave it on the table. Let's firmly remove it from the table, put it in a trash can,

light it on fire. This does not need to be on the table. Everything's always on the table. No, it's not always on the table. Listen, what if we take it off the table, lice all the table, and then put it back on a cutting board or some saran wrap on the table?

We've cleaned it up a bit. Wait, your first thought is to put it on like a food preparation device? Well, I wouldn't use the food preparation device for food preparation again. I would sacrifice it to this task. Why bother with a cutting board then? I don't know.

I don't want it to touch my fine china. I'd be okay with an oven. If we put it in the oven or the microwave, I'm okay with that. Hold on, Eric's typing. What's this going to be? How did it go from sounds like the best place to end to this?

Oh. He's right. We have gone back in. We did go back in. I also wanted to get an update from Andrew on Garfield and the Basket Weavers, but maybe we've run out of time. That's probably for episode six for us and episode five for Eric. Yeah, that's a good call. Alright, well, here we

go. It's time for Andrew to end it, as he does every week. Andrew, take it away. Oh, what am I? We're ending the show? Is that what we're doing? Eric, what does he have to say? What do I have to say? Just tell people to tell a friend to listen to the podcast,

to rate and subscribe, and to leave a review. Tell people to tell a friend to listen to the podcast, rate and subscribe, and leave a review. What if they're on an app that they can't review? Like, does Spotify have reviews? I don't think Spotify has reviews. But then that doesn't apply to them.

It applies to the other people that are listening. Let us know what is the smallest thing you've ever done that completely ended a friendship. Oh, I'd love to know. I'll tell mine next time. I can't wait.

So I guess you're supposed to tell people and rate and subscribe to the podcast, right? Just waiting on you. It's happening. to know oh i'll tell mine next time i can't wait so i guess you're supposed to tell people and and rate and subscribe to the podcast right just waiting on you happening just did you say gas what happened what's going on just end it just say thank you goodbye thank you for listening thank you for listening eric goodbye goodbye eric that was kind of unnecessary. That was mean. What? He's a high-strung dude. I can tell. You know, I met Eric like 10, probably longer than, maybe 10 years ago.

It did not go well. Very awkward exchange between Eric and I. Was it like at some Mega64 booth? Yeah, it was back in the Mega64 booth. Very awkward exchange. I don't remember that at all. Do tell. Or should we save it for a future episode? Save it, because we're trying to end the show.

Well, if you'll shut up, we can. Hey, thanks for listening to our fucking podcast. Give us a rate and review. And if you don't like Eric, hey, welcome to that segment of the society. Give us a rate. Yeah, make sure you give us a rate. Or a review.