Regulation Podcast - Set Sail For Ass//Billy Ripken F**kfaced Himself [2]

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about the origins of f**kface, farts that remind you of people, Garfield Kart racing, and basket weaving. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome to another episode of F*** Face, a podcast about shooting yourself in the foot for a laugh. I am your host Jeff Ramsey and as always, thus far, my co-hosts are Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. Two millennial idiots. Hello. Hey. That's not very nice, is it? How dare you call Canada's greatest gamer a millennial idiot? What an insult.

How dare someone fart about with their microphone for 15 minutes like a total boomer and then come at us with millennials. Dude, if I was a boomer, we still wouldn't be recording right now. It's only because of my Gen X sensibilities that I was able to overcome all of these technical problems, which, by the way, I have every day. I like we go into I go into defensive mode when I get called a millennial, but it's like, well, I am a millennial. Well, it was meant that it, it was meant as an insult.

That's what I do, yeah. You were correct in being offended. Hey, so I wanted to talk to you guys about something that I found out the other night because I had some insomnia and I couldn't sleep, so I was doing some research on f***-facing, and I found out something illuminating. I wanted to share it with you guys. So a f*** face is a word that's been around for a long time. Andrew and I started using it in a particular way. But it kind of came back into our, I guess,

parlance, because Andrew and I started collecting cards together. Not really because I want to collect cards, but it was just something to do with Andrew. And it's kind of, it's just like a fun thing we do. We open basketball cards together. He's not your son. No, he's my friend. I don't know. Sorry.

You know what? Sounds like my least favorite son is jealous of my favorite. Jealous as shit, dude. That's what I'm hearing. Well, you got something that Andrew didn't, and we can talk about that in a little while too. Anyway, through the course of that, Andrew started and I talked about like, you know, I used to collect baseball cards when I was a kid. We started talking about like silly sports cards and we got in this discussion of what is

like the most collectible card of all time. And to me, a lot of people would say it's probably like a Honus Wagner or Michael Jordan rookie card or card or whatever to me it was a 1989 fleer baseball card of the little brother of cal ripken who's a very famous baltimore oriole uh named billy ripken who uh his his 89 fleer card is him holding a baseball bat uh smiling and on the bat it says face on the bottom of the bat. And, uh, this went to print and it was very quickly corrected, but it became for a while, a really funny collectible baseball card that in 89 was going for like a thousand dollars for a brief period in time. Like everybody was clamoring to get their hand on the face card, myself included. I was 14 and, uh, Andrew, uh, and I were talking about it. I lamented that I never, never got that face card myself included i was 14 and uh andrew uh and i were talking about it i

lamented that i never never got that face card so he very sweetly bought me a box of flier baseball cards bought himself one from 89 and we opened up packs until we both got the face card i suspect by the way that andrew very kindly uh opened up all the packs found that there wasn't one in there slipped one in packaged it back up and sent it to me. I will go to my grave believing that he did that. I considered it. Honestly, what happened was, like I sent you the photo and we agreed we're going to do this. I'm very impatient. And I opened, I said, do you want the left box or the right box? And you said you didn't reply for a while. And so I just opened the left box uh and then had tremendous

guilt when i found the face card in the box and prayed there was one in the right box because i wanted the card because it's a dumb goofy card but if i would have pulled that that moment from you because of my patience i would have felt so bad uh well thank you andrew uh that's very sweet of you i'm looking at the bill Ripken face card right now. Anyway, the story behind that for years and years and years has been that Billy Ripken was a young player at the time and he was on the same team

as his older brother who was much more famous and successful as a baseball player than him. And Billy got a lot of good natured ribbing because of that. And the story that Billy propagated was that somebody played a prank on him and wrote face on the Bat and he had no clue. But the other night, during my bout of insomnia, I was reading about it and I found out, and this will be particularly

interesting to you, I think, Andrew, Bill Ripken admitted some 20 years later that he wrote F*** Face on the Bat. He F*** Faced himself. That's incredible. So like the pseudo inspiration for the name of this podcast and the fact that we use it as a noun to describe a thing that we do, he actually did unintentionally in the creating of the card. He was saying that he, um, it was a practice bat and he liked to use a certain wood grain practice bat. And there were only a few of them and they would get after batting practice, get thrown into a big like uh barrel full of bats and it's hard to find the one that you want and so he wanted to write something on the bottom of the bat to uh make it noticeable really easily instead of just writing like br or whatever uh so he wrote faces a joke uh so that he

would always know it was his practice bat and then he just forgot about it and took the photo, didn't even cross his mind that it was the **** face bat. Then when the picture came out and it became this controversy, he got scared, essentially, and pretended that somebody had played a prank on him, which everybody would believe. So the inception of **** facing was tied to this card, at least in my mind, which I found out later,

Billy Ripken f***ed himself. So I think that was an awesome late-night discovery that I wanted to share with you guys. And you said that he waited 20 years to come clean? Yeah, well, the interview I read where he admitted to it was like 20-something years after. I bet the day after it came out, he was like, I should really give this four or five presidential terms before i admit this how many trellises is that that's like eight trellises if jack's making them 20 years uh if uh if we ever get lucky enough maybe

we can have the og face billy ripken on our show someday but i I doubt it. I don't know if we'll ever rise to Billy Ripken f*** face fame. It probably depends whether or not he's trademarked f*** face. Could you imagine if that was a prank though? If somebody pulled that off on the team, how f***ing excited they would be? That'd have to be one of the greatest all-time sports prank, maybe any prank ever. Well, and the fact that the f*** face isn't upside down, it's right side up on the bat too. Like it couldn't be framed better. It's perfect. The whole thing was tremendous. It was probably I mean, listen, it's a big fucking deal to make it into Major League Baseball.

They say it's harder to break into the MLB than it is to break into the pros in any other sport. And I'm sure a lot of non-Americans would dispute that. And you might be correct. I'm just saying what I've what's been thrown around my entire life is that the hardest professional sport to get playing time in is baseball. So Billy, living under his brother's shadow, I got to be honest, I think probably the highlight of his career might be a 1989 baseball card that says, That might be the most notable thing he did in his professional career,

which, you know, although he was a hell of a player to even get to the major leagues, he wasn't a standout star like his brother. I mean, even if he was an all time great player, I feel like the face card is so iconic. That would be the top. It's almost better that he wasn't an all time great because that'd suck if that's what you're known for and you had a Hall of Fame career. If that was the thing you could just never surpass. You're Ken Griffey Jr. and face.

Yeah, that would be tough. That would be tough. That would be tough. As far as the other thing, Gavin, I'm sorry that I've been playing or opening baseball and basketball cards with Andrew and we didn't include you. You know, it's fine. I've aged out. I get it. No, you've aged out.

You're in your 30s now. You're no longer young enough for me, for my friendship. I would also like to point out that when I turned 40, Gavin told me he was going to stop being my friend until he turned 30. I mean, that was like a blanket rule for anyone. I think I said the same to Bernie. Yeah. And so there was a couple of years there where you just told me we weren't friends.

Yeah. Bye. If my age starts with a two and yours starts with a four, there's a problem. Sorry. Sorry, Andrew's a problem. Sorry. Sorry, Andrew. Fuck you, Gavin. Aye, aye, aye. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you.

Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day how about a 4 p.m late checkout just need a nice place to settle in enjoy your room upgrade wherever you go we'll go together that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply uh but gavin i have i have shared

things with you as well. Like recently, I started doing something that I'm quite horrified and proud of at the same time in that I've been, well, I've been losing my mind in quarantine. Sure. As we all have. And so I'm left alone for the most of the day with just me and my recording equipment and a couple of lazy dogs so i've been recording my farts and uh so i i got i got a text the other day uh it didn't have any sort of body to the text it just said uh the file name from a voice memo what was the file name new recording 20 which i hope

1 through 19 are actual serious voice members and not just farts but sure they're not and i so i got it i played it uh shall i play it now if you want to sure so i just replied this is the beginning of something terrible yeah it is so i don't know man i was just bored so i've been voice voice note recording on my iphone all of my farts and what i've learned is that my farts are like fingerprints and snowflakes. They're unique and individual and no two farts are the same, at least audibly. So I've become kind of fascinated with like the variance in my farts.

And so I've started to, I started to think like, well, this is sort of a, this fart kind of reminds me of Gavin. So what I've been doing is sending farts to the people in my life, unannounced and unrequested, and then just seeing what happens.

It would be interesting on a larger sample, once you've done this several times, and I have like 50 farts sent to me and other people also have 50, it'd be fun to compare the different types and eventually see if you can filter them into the different buckets without you being there. I'll say, man, I think it's a fantastic idea. And this has been really illuminating for a couple of reasons. One, I'm learning a lot about my own body. It's never too late.

It's never too late, boys and girls, to learn about yourself. But also, it's amazing how upset people get, A, when they receive a fart. My mother was not jazzed. She was the first person i said a fart to uh i feel like a lot of your just living and existing is to annoy your mother in in ways that are so targeted towards her like i feel like you made your old aim names kind of just for her yes yes uh i used to get up on a tangent i used to for aol instant messenger

that's how roosterteeth ran for a few uh many years there yeah uh that's how we communicated before slack and uh our aim names would always leak out and then you just start getting aim names like 100 aims a day from strangers and so i'd have to constantly change them to things that i didn't think anyone would guess or have any uh interest in in aiming and so uh for the longest time my aim name was set sail for ass and my mom wanted to start aiming with me and she was offended by the name so she made me change she asked me to change it so i changed it to delicious boner and then uh made my mom talk to me with that name. Wasn't there also like My Balls Your Ass? My Balls Your Ass was one of them.

She would only talk to me through the one. I don't know. They're different levels offensive to her, I guess. I distinctly remember getting my first Delicious Boner message. Because I had no concept that you're gonna message me i think we had talked like twice and i was watching a movie with my mom on my laptop and then top right corner just randomly delicious boner says sup i have to like pause the movie because i didn't know what it was i was like this doesn't look good i don't know what this is

i have no involvement with this i can imagine you just looking over at her and looking back at your laptop closing it and walking away it was a very awkward moment i had to pause the film and then i realized it was jeff and it was fine but it's just who who is delicious boner why is this happening right now so so um the farts when when you send a fart what do you want in return do you want like a comment a little review of the fart or do you want it to be ignored? I don't give a shit. The reaction that you're going to give me back, it will never match the reaction that I've invented in my head.

Like I sent you that fart in my head three or four times before I sent it in real life to prepare and to kind of, to kind of like, I like to craft, I like to craft my own responses to these things, especially when I can't see you. So then I'll just assume that that was the response I got and I'll be very happy. So, yeah, you were horrified in my brain. And you threw up a little in your mouth when you realized what it was, which made me very happy.

But the thing that's been crazy to me is, yeah, people are offended or grossed out or weirded out, but people are more upset not to get farted. Interesting. People at Rooster Teeth, at our company that we work for, when they find out I've sent farts to some people and not others, they get really mad, like genuinely offended. Like, why didn't I make the fart list? Do you not like me enough to send me a personal fart? uh how exclusive is this list currently i have sent farts to you my mom and trevor currently uh and i'll be the andrew's on the list i'll be sending more but a i don't want to shoot my wad all at once i want to drag this out for as long as humanly possible uh and then b sorry just to cut you off for a minute i like you open this up with i was bored now you have like a plan.

Like there's over 20. You can't. This is you have a problem. This isn't an I was bored moment. This has gone way beyond. Do you have like a spreadsheet going for not yet? Not yet. I haven't.

I've considered it. Yeah. How else are you going to categorize this stuff? I will say, Andrew, it's that level of tenacity that helped create Rooster Teeth and why we're all here, I'd like to think. I'd like to think that with my boredom, I create and categorize all of my farts and then figure out who those farts apply to. See, that's the grand scheme of things is I'm not going to send you a fart unless that fart, to me, says you. Like, the fart that Gavin played, that's gavin in a fart 100 the fart that i said to my mom was my mom in a fart let me let me try and sort of find some adjectives to describe

i'm gonna have to listen to this one more time so it's definitely sort of up and down it's um it's two ways sort of i would say you pushed in the middle. There was a buildup on either side and a little bit wet. I don't know what that says about me, though. Here's the deal. It's irreverent. It's silly. The fart doesn't take itself too seriously. And the fart presents itself and then says, no, no, there's more to me than that.

And then comes back with a second wave of fart. And that's the thing that I love about you, about you gab is there's always more to the story like there's never your fart the gavin free like fart personality and it never ends there's always more to you i would like to craft a better fart that uh and maybe as i as i as i continue down this road i'll get to a point where i i find uh one that even more encapsulates you and your personality. Because believe me, if I could have made that fart longer with more surprises, I would have. I feel like over time, it's like one of those police sketch artists where you're describing someone, but you're using different farts. And as I get more farts, it'll become

more clear what my personality is through these farts i i think there's also there's some future to this i feel like if you've recorded all your farts for say a year you could potentially find the best fart sound like the best most satisfying audible fart and i feel like we could potentially take that waveform and print it on a shirt or andrew will get it tattooed across his forehead or something like there'll be like the fart in visual format maybe that's the culmination of last week's episode which is we wanna we wanna do some sort of a gofundme or find a top line sponsor to tattoo andrew's face maybe the tattoo is the waveform of the perfect fart i think that's perfect that's a brilliant idea gavin Gavin. Andrew, no need to respond.

I'm going to assume you're on board with this. I mean, the part you're missing is there's a million dollar exchange. I wasn't just looking to put fucking Tide on my forehead. This is a million dollar deal. We got step one. We got profit. We just need step two.

We'll get there. How many variations of farts do you have? Not as many as i want that's another yeah i feel like i got like a fastball and like i don't know a change up there's not a lot of variation in my fart i'm working on it i have the difficulty with me is uh there's a bit of performance anxiety when i know a fart is coming i got to get my phone together i got to get in the right position it gets very stressful uh i get a little, it gets a little hectic. And sometimes the fart that I push out isn't the fart that I had, I guess that I'd imagined. That wasn't the one that was in the

chamber. No. Yeah. So that's been a real problem. And I have, I'll be honest, a lot of my better farts have just slipped out walking through the hall or whatever when my phone wasn't around. out walking through the hall or whatever when my phone wasn't around i i've i've left unfortunately i've left quite a few a plus triple star rated uh just absolute honkers on the cutting room floor because i couldn't get my phone out fast enough or i recorded it poorly or or whatever yeah let's say it's it's a i haven't perfected the process yet, but I'm working on it. Have you accepted that you're going to eventually record yourself shitting yourself? I hope so. Yeah. It's a dangerous game you're playing. Yeah, that's a Michael Jones.

I'm going to send that. When I shit myself, I'm going to send that to Michael. That's definitely a Michael, isn't it? And I feel like that will be a different sounding fart. Like, if you gave me 99 farts and one of them was a follow-through, I bet i could point out which one that was i bet you could too well gavin you've if you follow our other podcasts you'll know that

gavin and i at least i can't speak to you andrew uh but gavin and i have shit our pants a lot around each other oh boy and uh and so you probably you probably are more intimately familiar with that side of me than anybody else on earth except maybe my mom but for her it's been a while there were times like okay so when we lived together we we always had different rooms occasionally a different building that we slept in and whenever whenever you were just without warning barge into my room i knew something had happened like you wouldn't ever just come in and say hi. You would always come in being like, hey, I bought you a tiny motorbike and you would just leave it in the room.

Or you would come in with your boxes off and a load of towels and say, I just shit the couch. Yeah, that's true. I was drinking back then. That was before I sobered up. So yeah. How many times did you guys say you shit yourself? I was drinking back then. That was before I sobered up. So yeah, I was.

How many times did you guys say you shit yourself? Oh, oh God. I think I shit myself probably back in those days, probably four or five times a year. Yeah, I quarterly shit for you. Yeah, I was probably one a year. Andrew, have you ever heard the story about how Gavin shit himself seven times in one day? That really messed up my average

to be honest. Seven times? In one day. How? In one day. Oh, you, not only did Gavin, sorry, I'm not gonna tell your story for you, Gavin, but not only did Gavin shit himself seven times, almost each shit, uh, was unique and embarrassing in its own way. Like, he shit himself really

impressively in a lot of impressive environments. You know, like, when you're doing science and you want to change one variable each time and sort of measure the results each shit had it had a different factor do you do you want to run down the highlights of some of the places you shit yourself that day yeah i shit myself uh at a restaurant that was the first one yeah um threw away my underwear the next shit was on a plane because i'd fallen asleep and uh the muscles sort of clenching my anus closed had relaxed so some poo came out uh shit the shower i shit the bed i think two were in the bed to be honest and i just i just stopped changing my underwear eventually i was like

i'm just gonna shit my ass chicks at this point how but how did like you just like did this surprise you every time i don't understand how this happens. Honestly, it was it was food poisoning. And it was unlike any experience I've ever had where if I wasn't actively holding my ass closed, just shitty liquid would leak out. And, you know, after like 45 minutes of clenching it all in, eventually, just naturally, you stop thinking about it and you relax or you think about something else. And then you just, it seeps out. And when you're asleep, it's impossible. I respect your commitment to the bed.

Dude. Like after you shit yourself four times, you then go to the bed, shit yourself in the bed, and then decide to go back to the bed. Yeah, I mean, I pulled the sheets off, but it did get to the point where i just stopped putting new boxes on because it's like this is just gonna keep going wasn't this also during the courting phase between you and meg and you were visiting her yeah i think it was us perfect that was what it that was what it took to seal the deal, huh? Women love, in my experience, women love vulnerability. They like to see a man who's comfortable being vulnerable. I mean, when I saw her reaction to it, I knew she was the one. Yeah.

She just found it very funny and drove me home. I can't even take credit for sending the farts out. When I was just sitting on the sofa with my ass in the air as if I like as if I were trying you know the position it's like when Trevor uh who also works with the roosties when he tries to blow himself it was essentially that position and I was recording a fart and my girlfriend Emily walked in she goes what are you doing and I go oh I'm just recording my farts and she didn't skip a beat she goes you send one to your mom and I'm like excuse me she goes send it to your mom and that's what kicked all this off I was like I should send it to my mom. And I'm like, excuse me? She goes, send it to your mom. And that's what kicked all this off. I was like, I should send it to my mom. That is a great idea. And then it's

like, well, if I'm going to send it to my mom, I got to send it to my friends and my work family as well. So it's like, you know, when you find the right one, you know. Has she started doing hers? No, she doesn't. There's a game we play in our family here that is, it's impossible that we've been dating for over two years. And to my knowledge, my girlfriend has never gone number two or farted. And it's, she insists that she doesn't do it. I'm not kidding when I say I think that she goes to like a Staples or well pre-quarantine, like a Staples or an OfficeMax in route to take care of business. Because now we live together and we live together in quarantine. And unless she's like getting up at 4.30 in the morning and then going to the other side of the house to shit in the other bathroom, she's not doing it.

She's never farted and never pooped. And I'm desperate to catch her in the act. pooped and i'm desperate to catch her in the act how's it so one-sided though because usually i feel like you know once one person's comfortable farting the other person lets their guard down too and before you know everyone's fine but she has still never done it in front of you never never once uh she's a burper ah that's her that's where she lets loose she she even told me she's like you'll never experience one of my farts in your life. Never. And maybe if I put a ring on her, I can then witness that. But yeah, she said burping is where I'm going to just let it go. And she's a massive burper.

I'm just imagining you walking around your house with a boom mic trying to catch Sasquatch. Like this fart. Like you're trying to capture the rarest creature. I hide in her closet when she goes to the bathroom and then when she comes out i jump at her to try to scare her to like scare a fart out uh and i've scared the utter shit out of her but i've never uh i never scared the literal shit out of her unfortunately i can just imagine you popping out of a laundry basket or something with headphones and like a dish on a stick like pick it up sound waves yeah

it's like what are you doing something similar to that yeah we've gotten we've gotten pretty uh pretty ridiculous with that she she likes to scare the shit out of me uh i like to scare her we get real pranky we've had to kind of put a moratorium on it because things are getting out of control uh towards the beginning of the quarantine i gotta say i'm impressed with your fart conversation i thought you were i didn't know what you were doing. It's a real art. You've sold me on that this is an artistic endeavor that you're pursuing.

And I respect that. Well, thank you, Andrew. I'm happy to be able to bring you into the conversation, finally. And I hope that I'll find the appropriate and perfect pant and fart. And I'll be able to share that with you soon. I don't know if I need it, but I'm happy that you're doing this.

Are you a good farter, Andrew? I think I'm a pretty boring farter. I don't think... Just very consistent? Yeah, very average. Like, I maybe have two variations, I'd assume. Yeah, what did you say? You got a fastball and a change-up?

Yeah, I think I got, like, a fastball and change-up. That's about it. Not a lot. I mean, I think I could probably... got a fastball and a change-up? Yeah, I think I got a fastball and change-up, but that's about it. I mean, I think I could probably, if you put candles on a cake, I think I could take two candles out. I think that's the max in my range. Like, that's where I thought you were going to combine a farting. I thought you were really getting into an ass game. I didn't expect it to go art.

But yeah, I think I could probably take out like two candles, but that's my peak. I don't think I could do one. Mine are pretty weak, to be honest. They all sort of, they trail up at the end. They all sound like questions. They're very ponderous farts. Oh, God. I did not think we were going to go 20, oh, I don't know, 30 minutes or so talking about farts yeah oh god i did not think we were gonna go 20 oh i don't know 30 minutes or so talking

about farts today should we get onto a face yeah that would caught me off guard uh yeah well andrew you had mentioned you referred to yourself as canada's greatest gamer very well earned i'm not saying i'm not refuting it in any way. I just wanted to make sure I got the phrase right. Why do you feel comfortable calling yourself Canada's greatest gamer? I think it's a factual statement when you own every Garfield Kart world record on Xbox. I don't think like I need to sell it in any way. I think that kind of just explains all of it. What is Garfield Kart? I'm assuming is it's a kart racer similar to mario kart right it is uh yeah it is a mark

some would say a lesser mario kart some would say better i don't know who those are but uh it's uh like a yeah it's a mario kart clan and how did you become the candidate how did you become the mario the fuck what is it called garfield cart world tour uhious Racing Garfield Kart Furious Racing Garfield Kart Furious Racing They made two Jeffs so it's clearly It's a big deal Why did you buy it? Because I really wanted to be good at a game that nobody was good at

And I went to the Xbox store And you know how they have like what's the highest selling game? I clicked that And then I went to the bottom of that And I saw what was the least selling game and number seven was Garfield cart and we should let the listeners know that you are incredibly competitive like you if oh it's a one time where I had like one better time in a trials HD map than you and you spent like weeks straight trying to beat it until you find a hundred days beating your

Every single morning I would do seven runs of the course and it took me a hunt on the hundredth day I finally beat it this was a track back in trials HD days, which is I assume the late 2000s when that came out and I did this crazy run on a track where i almost fell off and it got to the point where i was like i was at the absolute tipping point and i just eked under this bit that usually slows you down but because i almost fell off i didn't get slowed down and i ended up at like 19th in the world or something on that track so i was like no one i know is beating that and like a decade later you cut you come in and beat my time yeah i'm so delusional i took that as a personal attack i was talking to somebody completely unrelated to you and we're

arguing about who had a higher like who was higher on the leaderboards and so i downloaded it and you had all the top times on beginner and i was second i was like oh clearly he tried to beat my times at some point that asshole i'm gonna get all my times back and then i found out you just like had a game night with your friends that's what you guys did had nothing to do with trying to beat times yeah like me and three friends just got together we did something called trials tuesday where we all brought our xboxes and tvs to the same room and just played trials it happened it happened one time i played the best in my entire life also one of my i Also, we all had our TVs, and my TV remote was controlling one of my friend's TVs. I was messing with him the whole time. I kept turning his TV off when he was right near the end.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear Lord. So that unhealthy level of competition and what's maybe the largest chip on a shoulder I've seen in my 44, almost 45 years, that led you to get hyper competitive in whatever the fuck that game is called. Garfield, Furious Car. Garfield Car, Furious Racing. Yeah. It wasn't my first attempt.

The first thing I have, there's a Ben Hur Xbox One game for some reason. Like they made that movie that nobody wanted, nobody saw, and they made a video game for it that was free. And that has a leaderboard, but it's dead. Shockingly, they continued not to support Ben-Hur, the video game. So then I had to go to Garfield Kart. And let me say, it was a very competitive four hours to become the greatest Garfield Kart player. What happened after you broke, because you texted me and you were like, I now have like the world record in every track on this stupid game.

And then like 10 minutes later, you were like, I have an enemy. Yes. The problem is it started as a joke. But then when you're on top, you don't want to fall off that. So now I'm incredibly serious about my Garfield Kart racing. Like as soon as I got all the time, someone else started taking times and i had a heated rivalry with someone that i'm pretty sure was seven well this podcast is surely the death sentence of your top times like people are gonna go out there they're gonna get the game they're gonna knock you off the

off the top of the pedestal if this was back then gavin i would have been nervous i've gone through like eight rivals okay i'm the'm the top of lasagna mountain I'm not even a little bit worried about it. The game costs like 30 bucks So that's why I've been able to hold it partially because nobody's dumb enough to spend $30 on a Garfield game I would welcome all challengers though. You can try you can try you're gonna waste your time and money though You're gonna get dethroned before we film the next one. I'm going to retire by the time we film the next one. And that's going out on top. I think my favorite part of this saga was the,

I don't know if he did the same to you, Gavin, but Andrew just kept sending me screenshots of DMs of him talking shit to little kids on Xbox Live and getting into these heated rivalries using Garfield puns to insult people. It's a serious game. Do you have any of those exchanges to hand?

Yeah. It's a lot of when you race against me every day is a Monday. Stuff like that. Anything Garfield. Lasagna Mountain. It got heated. I've had four or five rivals. I just don't know where this stuff comes from like what made you what yeah you're always doing the weirdest most interesting stuff that i feel like no one could write agreed yeah well what do you mean like what what started what do you mean

like why am i shit just with everything that you do no just like what made you want to do that uh that i well i i don't know i just i woke up i always had a fascination with like there's got to be a michael jordan of basket weaving and we just don't know who that is because nobody cares about basket weaving i just find it interesting like people that are like insanely talented at something but also just nobody cares because nobody is aware of it real fast i just like to say to the basket weaving community that may or may not be listening to this podcast, Andrew's views do not represent the views of myself or possibly Gavin Free.

I have deep respect for basket weavers. I have a deep and profound respect for you. Please do not mobilize the basket weaving lobby against us. Do you think basket weavers also get into other stuff, like wicker shoes and stuff? Is that the same field? Yeah. I think we're just speculating.

I would imagine if you're a basket weaver, your house probably looks like a Pier 1 Imports factory store. It's just everything is wicker and just brittle old small pieces of wood. Every time you sit down, you get that sort of wood crushing sound like But anyway, Andrew, please continue talking shit about basket weavers. I mean, nobody like I don't I have nothing

against basket weaving, but I feel like as a society, we've decided basket weaving isn't that important. Do you know anyone who basket weaves I don't know a single basket weaver I don't but I'm afraid we're about to as I said I'm I'm on top of lasagna mountain if they get there if they dethrone me now if a basket weaver dethrones me that'd be a hell of a story if any basket weavers out there, you're still defending your titles. Is anybody gunning for you right now at the moment? No, I had a really heated one right when the Jordan documentary was airing. And that was a real motivator. That was probably

the closest I've had to losing a time. There's one time I don't have and it was glitched. I've confirmed with the person they can't set the time that it says they have. I don't know how it happened, but I'm number two and one, they can't set the time that it says they have. I don't know how it happened, but I'm number two and one, but I'm actually number one. It hurts me every time I see. I've reached out to the company. To make that official,

I think you're going to need to get them to sign something and have it notarized. Ooh. I mean, I have a message from them admitting it. I made them switch what game they were playing to verify. Mail them a form. Have them...

You can e-donorize now. I learned about that from Gavin. and uh yeah and get so that we can make take maintain that official status also do you plan how long do you plan on being the king of lasagna mountain uh i guess until someone takes the throne which i don't know years maybe never i think i'm gonna hold these records forever why would i think otherwise god damn andrew is so how did you end up in the paper oh that was that's funny yeah i uh i don't know that was one of those things where you wake up at 1am and i was thinking about like well i've had rivals how do i escalate this further because the the bigger it gets the funnier it is because it's so stupid.

And I thought, I bet you I could get the local paper to write about it. So I just sent out this email to I like submitted a story, a news scoop and called myself that I was a professional gamer, which from Griffball technically true. I was in the pro league in the Griffball league. Sure. Which from Grifball, technically true. I was in the pro league in the Grifball league. Sure. All I had to do was click a box that said pro to make me a pro,

but technically I was in the pro league. So I wrote up that email. I sent it to him. Didn't really expect a reply. And the next day I got a response saying, I'd love to cover this. I need to do an interview. Let's push this further. Which I did.

Was it over the phone? No, it was an email interview. Oh, phone? No, it was an email interview. Oh, okay. Yeah, we did an email interview, and then it was a weird thing where, like, I didn't tell members of my family this. This was in a paper that gets delivered to, like, every house where I live for free,

and I didn't really tell anyone in my family, and then it became this kind of big deal with people that knew me, and then not, they think, like, I'm actually actually they think this is an accomplishment. Like I'm the Garfield guy when it was a joke. And I don't know how to break that to them. Like my grandparents think this is an amazing achievement. I have friends like it's ridiculous.

Then I started getting asked to do radio interviews for it. And that was fun. Are you serious? Did you do radio interviews about it? I didn't end up doing any of those, but I got CBC, which is like the main network in Canada, reached out to me wanting to do a cover story for it, and I got a local rock station. Wanted to cover it, too. Man.

That's either a testament to how unique and weird and entertaining you are or how fucking boring Canada is. I'm not sure which. Honestly, it's a boring for where I locally live because I remember like years ago, the reason why I thought it might happen. I never thought they'd publish it in a paper, but I checked what's happening on local news. And the top story that day was dog carries big stick at the beach i was like i can get in i can make it into this i don't know if i'm gonna get rid but there's no way dog carrying big stick on the beach can make the online site and i can't with these garfield times oh my god so the island you because you live on an island right i do yep in your lifetime of living on

that island what is the most interesting thing that's happened there? Ooh, interesting. We do bathtub races in the summer. That's kind of like a weird, interesting thing, right? It's like a unique... People race bathtubs in the ocean. And it's very serious. Like big-ass ceramic or metal bathtubs?

Yeah, like, yeah, I think there are rules. There's pretty strict guidelines for what type of tub you can use, but yeah, people strap a motor to a tub, and then they elevate it on something, and then they drive through a course in the ocean. Like, half of them sink. It's a big, it's a serious game. Yeah, surely, like, a tub wouldn't float

if a wave goes over it. It immediately just goes down. down yeah they have to attach to some it's not just like they're getting tubs and putting them in the water and going it's like they're put on top of a structure i don't know how boats work so it's just like a boat it's a boat race where the chair is a tub i guess yeah technically i mean if you really want to ruin it gavin it's the boat race where they lay in a tub. If we want to get into technicalities. It's kind of like how they had that Red Bull fluke tag thing, right? Where you would create your own flying machines and then crash them into the water.

Except this is like the flush tag, I guess. You said that these things sink. Does that mean that the coast along your island is riddled with old, broken, holy toilet tubs? That's, yeah, that's a great question. I've never seen one, but there must be. The coral reefs now. That's how they're going to rebuild the coral reefs around your island from global warming. Jesus Christ.

Do you email strangers every day of your life? No. Why would you think that I do this? What do you mean, why would I think? Because every time I talk to you, you're like, well, I contacted a radio station. Yeah, you reached out to 30 companies last week. Yeah, I talked to Procter & Gamble. That's a good point. I take back what I said. I apologize for being defensive. That was a very good point. I did that last week. Yeah, you got shit done. Fair point. Yeah, fair point. It wasn't an insult. No, I don't do it. You need to have a dumb idea or you need to have a question or something. And then you just reach out to people. It's not hard.

Have you ever had an idea that you thought this is too dumb, even for me? My entire, I don't want to say brand, but my lifestyle is based off of whatever the dumbest thing possible is do. Like do that. That's how I was good at griffball. do that that's how i was good at griffball honestly my strategy a lot of the time was what is the dumbest thing i could do that they would never predict and then i do it and then nobody predicts it and it works and it looks cool but it was really stupid yeah you gotta outdumb people i feel like i want to start setting you challenges like i know like if i gave you a task how long until it's complete like if i was to say to you like get scammed today you would have to then be like contacted by one of those scam phone calls and like give them access to your computer and stuff but i reckon you you'd be able to get pretty much anything done in like 20

minutes why would i do this here's a challenge it's a challenge here's a challenge i'm building up what gavin said how about i would like to see you scam a nigerian scammer does that to be today okay well i got you know i got plenty of this my junk mail is literally filled with this yeah okay every every email to your spam folder is an opportunity for excellence they're all just adventures waiting to be departed on do you ever get those scam emails where they they claim you have footage you jerking off and you pay them to uh you get a lot of footage i a decent amount it's in the rotation right now i don't know it seems to be popular those uh yeah those were all the rage for a while there and they were scaring the shit out of a lot of gullible people it's a weird like what price would you pay to to not have that zero dollars yeah i don't i don't

think that would work for me i don't care so i'm at war with basket weavers and scammers is what i've gathered from this well you're you're i think you've brought you drug yourself into a war with the basket weaving community can it be a war if there's less than 10? You're going to find out. You're going to find out there's such a large goddamn basket weaving community. You had no clue. It's probably like a national sport in some country that you're not even aware of. That's my point. I'd love to know if you're the Michael Jordan of basket weaving.

Please let me know. If you're the Michael Jordan of basket weaving, the jordan of garfield cart racing has a word for you we should call this the michael jordan podcast oh if only we could wonder if michael jordan ever faced himself yeah he fucking he gave up two championships by going to play baseball that's a pretty big face right there it's a good point oh well is there anything else we need to cover today, boys? Or have we fucked our faces enough? Yeah, I feel like we covered a lot.

We covered farting and Garfield. That was a lot of farts. Andrew started a war with a community that's as old as sheep herding and prostitution, probably. That'll be interesting. What's the minimum number you need for a community two okay so it is community i just want to i feel like the basket weavers are gonna go they'll be gone soon it'll be people will 3d print their baskets i think

and i don't think i'd call them weavers yeah that's a that's a good point gavin uh it sounds like you're uh you're doubling down on on the Andrew side of this thing. You're looking to create some strife with the basket weavers yourself. I'd like to point out, I have no beef with baskets or weavers or any combination of the two. I love all of my fellow men and women

or however you identify across this globe, and if weaving baskets is your thing, I support it wholeheartedly. Unlike these two heathens who don't think you should be allowed to breathe the same air as them. I don't think I said that.

I just don't think there are any of them. 100% they said it. You may not have heard it earlier in the podcast. We might've had to cut it out, but they did say it. I say get in, get out. Time is limited. All right, well, I'm gonna get out then.

I'm gonna do other shit. I'll see you guys in a week. Hey, who are you? My name is Jeff Ramsey. And this was this fucking show we do. What's it called? F*** Face. You are.

That was where you say I was Gavin Free. Oh. Oh. You asked who I was. You asked who I was. And I fucking instantly. I jumped to attention. I asked who you are.

And you're like. I was reading what Eric wrote and I was throwing, because I don't want to do what Eric told me to do. I want you to do it. So I said, you know, throw it to you. And then you threw it back to me. I wasn't expecting it. I'm Gavin.

I'm Andrew. If you enjoyed this podcast or maybe if you hated it, but there's somebody in your life who you hate more than the podcast, and you want to spread misery their way, tell them about our podcast. Tell them they'll like it. Tell a friend or an enemy. Like and subscribe. Leave us a review on iTunes or

Spotify or any of that nonsense. I feel a bit like a heel saying all this stuff. I usually make fun of other podcasters for doing it, but unfortunately it is... I'm going heel saying all this stuff. I usually make fun of other podcasters for doing it. But unfortunately, it is... I'm going to cut all this. I don't know. I'm tired. It's been a long week. It's been a long week. It has been a very long week.

I've got a bloody mental day tomorrow. Do you have a mental day? Yeah. A lot of recordings? All down day. How about you, Andrew? I'm in the process of a move. I might not have a desk, so I'm figuring that out.

Do you wake up every day and then like, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is I check the turnip prices, obviously, in Animal Crossing. Is this still the podcast? Yeah, I think so. I think so. We're ending in a second. Is the first thing you do check your Garfield times?

I just think it was the shittiest ending ever. It didn't end. It's not ending. Eric's losing his mind in the chat. All right, this is how I feel about turnips, right? There's no middle ground. At the beginning of the week, I'm like, ah, I got plenty of time. There's no day where I'm like, I should get my shit together.

It goes from like, I got plenty of time to, shit, I'm running out of time to sell these turnips. Are you serious? Yeah. I start to get scared at Tuesday night. Really? Yeah. Shit. It's, oh, I need to, I gotta, I gotta shift some turnips tonight.

Dude, I sold at 604 this week. Did you really? Yeah. One of Emily's friends, her island in the Southern Hemisphere was 604. So. Damn. Shit. Like and subscribe. Yeah, do that. Damn. Shit. Like and subscribe.

Yeah, do that. F*** face. Love you guys. What an ending. That's gotta be. You just started talking about turnips. You did. Could you imagine if you were listening to a podcast

and they were ending and they're like, yeah, like and subscribe. Yeah, so what do you do in the morning? Do you turn up? It trailed off. Then you were like, I'm going to cut this. And then we just had a chat. I was so confused.

Is this still the podcast? No. Oh, okay, got it. All right, let's stop.