Regulation Podcast - The Most Magical Podcast on Earth // How Do you Scrump an Egg? [68]

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about our lucky number, conversations with Dark Andrew, the intricacies of relegation, Gavin learning about Jetski speeds, and humpty dumpting. Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14) and Raycon (http://buyraycon.com/face) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome to the most magical place on earth, the magical podcast f***face, where exceptional people do mind-bending things and break the laws of physics. My name is Jeff Ramsey, and with me always, as always, Andrew Patton and Gavin Free. I don't know. I don't know what to say about that. We just finished recording another episode

where I guessed... Yeah, you missed out on about two minutes of just bewilderment, and then we pressed record again. If you haven't listened to the last episode, go listen to it and then come back and listen to this one. We stopped down.

Eric said, what the fuck? said i'm scared and i honestly don't know what to think about it i i feel like andrew is pranking all of us now no i absolutely not i thought you were pranking me when you're like what did you say you i i wrote the number before you said it because i couldn't see the screen i didn't know what you did i thought you didn't say it publicly i thought you're just going to pretend that it was the right number and i'm like he's fucking with me there's no way that it just happened and it did and even if you did see the screen there's no way you could have got the 19 ball out and taken a picture of it that quickly absolutely not no he would have had to have already had 60 photos like in a file tree and then he would have to like rapidly quick on it. Nobody's gonna put that much work into that bit. No way.

No. Absolutely not. That was fucking crazy. I feel like we've been wrong about this whole Gavin being a lucky thing. I feel like it might be you, Jeff. You might be the golden shot. Yeah, I guessed wrong. Well, maybe. I think this both, I'll tell you what,

I feel like if Najee Harris knew what was going on here, he'd feel very good about himself right now. Things are looking up for him. Let's put this to the ultimate test. Once again, the true, if you're better than Gavin. Red or black? Red or black? Black.

I mean, I don't know why you're betting on colors, but you should clearly be betting on 19. That's a fascinating point. That's a great point. I'm going to do colors and 19. 19 is our lucky number now. Tell me a color. Face officially has a lucky number. What am I doing? Red or black?

Red. Okay. I'm putting 3 on red, 2 on 19. 19 is red. If 19 was black, this would be a problem. Can't parlay a roulette spin eric that's ridiculous how dare you okay the ball's rolling around coming in it's bouncing still spinning i've i've been going with the wrong person the whole time i will be very it's black and it's too magic. Magic doesn't exist. It's not real. It's not real. It's black and it's 2.

I think magic does exist, you just can't use it like that. It decides when it wants to be used. Our magic just rejects you every time you try to use it. What we really need to do is when Jeff's in Vegas he needs to play 19 on roulette. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll report back. Dude, this Henry farted so bad. You got gassed by the dog? I'm getting gassed out of the room. Jesus. That's brutal. I'm looking in jersey numbers. I don't think any of them are 19 unfortunately do you gamble every day no not at all no i don't know dude i i've been talking to andrew quite a

bit since you've been out of town and i've been having a lot of conversations with what i would call dark andrew and that is uh that is like midnight our time Andrew, who has had a bad run and is not in a good place. And I feel like we've had a lot of those conversations since you've been gone. Well, it's because you expressed interest and wanting to do some NFL bets. So I've been trying to update you on what's been going. I've been trying to let you vicariously live through my misery.

And I definitely have been. I just feel like that misery has been pretty daily. No, it's weekends. I'll throw a bet on on like Saturday. I don't bet all that often. And if I'm going to bet, it's mainly during the NFL season. Getting into.

Okay. What about the Astros Rangers? Bet you lost your shit on. Well, I parlayed that with NFL preseason. And that was a Saturday, I think, or a Sunday. It's a weekend. Those don't count. I bet the Astros, Gavin,

the Astros were this huge favorite against the shitty other baseball team, and they lost. In the first inning, they dropped down 3-0. The Astros were down 3-0. Fifth inning,

they come back to make it 5-2. I'm like, there's a hope. There's some hope in this game. Next time I look at the score, the Astros are losing 2-12. They got demolished by one of the worst teams in baseball. Terrible luck. I actually have a little sports thing that I read about.

I don't know. Stop me if you guys have heard this story, but have you guys heard the thing that happened with Bishop Sycamore High school on espn like last weekend no uh it's the they were like a fake school right or something so maybe yeah so there was this from time to time espn will show high school football games especially when they're 1a and there's a there's a ton of like top tier talent that's going to go into college and i actually i actually skipped through the game i was looking for em Emily and I were looking for preseason football

and we stopped on it and I was like, ah, this is fucking high school and we kept going. But, so on, I think it was last Sunday, but it may have been two Sundays ago, there was a high school game with one of the best high school football teams in the country and they played this other team called Bishop Sycamore High School and

beat the dog shit out of them. The game was 58 to nothing to the point where pretty early on the announcers were saying stuff like should they call the game like people they were worried about the other team's safety they were getting they were so outmatched and getting so manhandled and so beaten they were like i don't know if this is safe for these two teams to be playing and it became very it was billed as like two tier one football teams with some of the best talent in the nation playing against each other became apparent very quickly that was not the case then uh they started to dive into it and discover like

espn was like we're sorry we shouldn't have put this game on the air it comes to find out you come to find out that the game was actually scheduled by a marketing company uh well i guess that's something that happens like marketing companies schedule high school games for espn they've been doing it for a long time then it came out that it might not be a real school that doesn't have like it has a po box for an address and then there was some uh then it came out that the the coach of the football team might have an active arrest warrant for fraud. Then it came out that this team that played on Sunday also played a game on Friday. So they played two high school games in two days. Then people started to dive in and realize this team has never won a game

before and has no business playing against this other team. Then people discovered that a lot of the players on the team weren't actually high school students and were adults. It just kept getting weirder and weirder. That's so strange. You've made me want to dig deeper into this. It's similar to that mentally handicapped, was it basketball team, who all turned out to be just like,

they shouldn't have been in the Paralympics? I don't know about that. I've heard of, I know a movie called The Ringer exists, and I do not think that that was based on a true story. That was Johnny Knoxville. Yeah, in the early 2000s. I think that's sort of the plot of that movie. I don't really remember what that movie was about.

I just don't understand what the goal would be. Was it to, like, what's the play there? Where's the fraud, you know? Is it to legitimize this Bishop Sycamore school, or was it to make the other team look that much better? Like, what's the fraud? Is it to legitimize this Bishop Sycamore school? Or was it to make the other team look that much better? What's the play there? You know what I mean?

I can't figure out what the grift is. That is bizarre. That's crazy. So many levels deep. Yeah, and I haven't read up on it lately, so there may be more information to it. It's just crazy. Every story was wackier than the next,

and they would just keep peeling back these layers that made made no sense this sort of reminds me of a conversation we had gavin about how football in europe works with the teams in different leagues i feel like you got totally lost in that conversation what do you mean you just seem very confused and what way i know i wasn't lost i understood everything you were saying i was just saying it's a lot of details like he gave a lot of surface information that would be interesting interesting to explore deeper but you were like why can't they jump up from the bottom division into the premier league oh i see you just fucking threw now i'm confused i thought you were talking about i seem confused during jeff's conversation about the high school team not our football conversation that's why i was, what are you talking about?

I followed that closely. Wait, so you changed the subject to a new subject and then I respond to it and you think I'm still in the old subject? Yeah, well, you just said you seem confused in that conversation. I didn't feel like we'd gone far enough into the conversation to call this conversation.

I misunderstood you're referencing the text conversation that we had. Gavin is explaining to me and correct me if I'm wrong. You may already notice, Jeff, but I guess in the Premier League, the bottom two teams get dropped to a lower league and the top two of the

league below go up to that league. Yeah, it's called relegation. That's what it's called, right, Gavin? Relegation? Yeah, you get promoted or relegated. And it's the top or bottom three teams. I think that shouldn't end. I think that should be at all levels of play. I want a team to start at the Premier League

and then be so bad that they're in a youth league by the end of it. I think you should be able to just keep going down if you keep losing. Can you go keep going up? Yeah, but that is what happens. If you lose, if you're bottom three again the next season, you would go down again.

But there's a limit to it. You said there was a cap of like, you can only fall so far. I want it to be like, I spent $5 billion on this team. I'm now playing in a field behind an elementary school. Like, I want there to be a huge collapse. So you want to see Manchester City go from the Premier League to a club team? Absolutely.

Yes. Like whatever's lower. I want like Manchester United to be in a league where one of the parents has to bring orange slices every game. Like that's the fall of...

I mean, you do get Premier League teams who may drop like two or three divisions, but it would take two or three years to do it. You would have to lose multiple back-to-back seasons. You can't just jump three down in one year.

No, I know that. I'm saying year by year. I like the idea of a billion-dollar franchise being in an Orange Slice League division and somebody who runs a youth team all of a sudden being in a fucking stadium. That's just cool. I love the idea of some local village having to go to Old Trafford to play Man U and somebody who runs a youth team all of a sudden being in a fucking stadium that's i love i love

the idea of some local village having to go to old trafford to play manu because they've been relocated so many times what uh what like can we look that up like what's the farthest the team has fallen from yeah how do you google that i don't know i mean this all came about because uh i was watching ted lasso and, and they mentioned that in the show, where I guess the NFL, if you finish bottom of the league, you just come back again next year and play again. And you're still in the NFL. Well, there isn't really a minor leagues for the NFL.

But what if you suck? Do you just lose over and over and over again, and you don't go anywhere, and there's no opportunity for a new team? How do you get a new team? Money. A lot of money. You don't. Like a reshifting. That's like what you're describing is the Orlando magic.

It sucks. You just don't get to be a good team for a very long time. How does the whole sport not just get really stale? Yeah, Jacksonville Jaguars. Great call. You get a number one pick. You're dead last. You theoretically are getting good talent. The way it's supposed to work is the worse a team does,

the better they do in the draft. So they get access to the best players that are coming into the league. So it's supposed to balance it out. Like if you were the Cleveland Cavaliers, a perennially shitty team that underperforms in a small market, then you get the first pick

and you get to pick LeBron James. And they did. It doesn't seem like a huge incentive. The risk of dropping from one league to the league below is financially huge, like ginormous amount of money different. So I don't understand the incentive to play well in the NFL if you could just sit at the bottom year after year. Well, if you don't play well for long enough. If you could just sit at the bottom year after year. Well, if you don't play well for long enough, you might lose your team.

They might just move to another city, but also there is no, there's no league below that for you to play. Yeah. It would be like the top CFL team would go up to the NFL and then just lose every game. Like it wouldn't, there's no,

that's, it's insane. Especially considering the size of this country there's one league insane well there's the xfl it's going to come back i think next year yeah but if you're saying it's not in relation to the nfl it's not it's not you drop into that one oh no absolutely not this could technically work what you're describing could work in the nba because there is a minor leagues there's a d league and it could work in the NBA because there is a minor league, there's a D-League and it could work in baseball because there's a ball.

But yeah, there's just no infrastructure for that in football. They could theoretically do it with baseball and basketball though. The problem isn't the fact that it's not just a structure problem, it's a all the best talent plays in one league problem. Even though there is an infrastructure in

basketball, nobody's opting to play in the G League over the NBA. Yeah. I said D League, I meant G League. Sorry, you're right. Hockey, I mean, it's a completely other thing for the draft. The draft in hockey is sort of ridiculous where even, like, unless you have a top, top pick, you're like, yeah, that player will help us in three years.

Can't wait. That's fun. Like, there's no, the NFL has massive turnover, and I don't know if football, like soccer football, has the same, where a team could be wildly awful one season and then have a great offseason and become a playoff team.

I don't know what the competitive shift is. I should also point out that in soccer football, there's no playoffs either. You just finish... You just play every other team twice and then that's it that's no yeah that's no fun and if you have the same amount of points at the top of the league you just see who scored more goals i learned about a thing recently about so goal differential is a big thing in football

right for like determining seating or whatever i don't know if that's across all football in this league specifically there is a tournament and goal differential between teams was a big factor in like the playoff setting or I guess who would advance to the finals. And the two teams that are playing each other, one was in the finals, the other one was out of it, and they needed to win by two goals to advance for this tournament. They created a weird like, let's make it spicy. They decided that a golden goal would be worth two, which correct me if I'm wrong, Gavin, a golden goal is if you score with the extra time remaining, right? Like it ends the game. That's the last goal essentially. Is that what a golden goal is? Golden goal. Yeah. I think they stopped doing it,

but yeah, it was an extra time. The first goal ended the game. Yeah. So they had this rule for this tournament where a golden goal now counted for two. The team that needed to win by two was winning by one, and there was like six or seven minutes left, and they thought we probably aren't going to score within this time. We need more time, and we need two goals.

It's better if we just score on ourselves and force it to go into overtime. So they just played pass with the keeper back and forth for a bit and then they scored in their own net and the other team was like what the fuck is going on and then they realized oh there's this weird two goal golden goal rule so there is a brief period of time before like overtime started where one team was trying to score in either net because they could lose by one,

they just couldn't lose by two, and the other team had to protect both goals. And they were not... The team that needed to protect both or score an either didn't do it. They went to overtime, and the team that scored on themselves then scored the golden goal one and pushed the other team out of the finals

because they scored on themselves and got into that position that is batshit yeah it's great i wish that there was more ridiculousness like that in football that is sort of in the spirit of my rule of teams can fall endlessly yeah that would make me way more interested in that sport wherever you're going you better believe american express will be right there with you American Express just need a nice place to settle in enjoy your room upgrade wherever you go we'll go together that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply eric says what was the thing we needed to cover in this episode yeah we kind of went on a weird sports trip we have a few things we can talk about you guys want to talk about your jet

ski was that on anyone's list what we just spent 20 minutes talking about no not at all I don't even know how we got we got there because I

drew 19 from the bing the ping ball but but so we talked about this episode on on the end of last week's episode yeah okay that was a great

flub by the way Andrew I don't want that I didn't I was gonna call it a ping pong machine, a bingo machine, and a lot of machine. It just came ping, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Machine.

Well, Gavin, do you want to talk about the jet ski adventure? We went on jet skis. So I think I wasn't imagining jet skiing right. Because when you were describing how you were going on jet skis and you said you went like 50 miles an hour, I just thought you were exaggerating. I just thought you were rounding, just plucking a random number and you would have been going like 18 miles an hour or something.

But they really go 50 miles an hour. We got on them, we got out of the slow bit and then Emily absolutely floored it. And I think my mouth just fell open because I was still like, I was still trying to remember all the stuff the guy told me. I looked down to be like, okay, well, there's a speedometer.

Okay, here's how I did. I looked up, you were on the horizon. You were like going around the curvature of the earth. You were hauling ass. They go so fast. And it really took me a while to like, to brave it and get up to that speed i think i was freaking out at 30 because at that speed you know any tiny little bump in the you know in the waves will just send you into the air so i was like oh god and so you'd see a wave coming and i'd immediately let off because i was like i'm just gonna go sailing off this thing when

i hit that and i would slow down to like what felt like maybe 15 and it would just slam my ass against the seat i'd be like oh and i'd be like oh damn i'm glad i wasn't going 30. i feel like every wave you had visions of kanye flying through the air like that dude yeah well that is one thing as we were because we did about we did three hours which i learned is maybe a little long uh usually we do too uh but i felt like every minute was closer to the inevitable accident that we're building towards like the second gavin and i got on the on the same water in two different jet skis i just realized that an accident is like is an inevitability. That is metaphysical certitude that Gavin and I will get into a jet ski accident together. And it didn't.

We dodged it that day. But I can feel the gravity of that accident pulling us forward. The bad thing is, was that the amount of time it took me to gain just a little bit of confidence was extremely short. I would say after 20 minutes, I was just trying to, I was like finding the smooth bits of the water. You're trying to get out of the way of other boat wakes and stuff to the point where I was like, all right,

let's see, let's see how fast this one goes. And I would just eat up a little bit each time, like 10 minutes later, I'd be like a 40. And then eventually I was just like, I'm just going to hold this down and see what I could get to. And I got it to the point where the speedometer literally stopped at 55 miles an hour. And then I let off and I was like, Oh, I'm getting some confidence now.

I'd say 30 minutes later, I had a sustained three minute period where I was just going 55 miles an hour. And at that point I was like, this thing's not fast enough anymore. I want to go even faster than this. And I, there was a one there was one point where I was holding it down. The jet ski sounded like it was going to explode. It had just a sustained... I was like, this is going to overheat. I was sustained 55 for about three straight minutes. And I looked down at the fuel gauge.

And as I looked, it just went bloop. And it popped down like one whole bar. I will say, at the end, I asked you, I was like, how do you think? How do you feel about it, man? And you said, it's amazing how quickly you go how you feel about it man and you said it's amazing how quickly you go from holy shit 50 miles an hour is so fast on a jet ski to why won't this thing go faster than 50 miles an hour yeah i could which is totally true the same with me on

roller coasters like if i go to a theme park the first roller coaster i set foot on i'm thinking why am i on a roller coaster this is terrifying i. I hate this. I got my eyes closed. I'm like gripping as hard as I can, but maybe three or four rides later, I'm like, why isn't there one that goes 150 miles an hour? So then you have to, you have to just try other stuff. Like they were like, well, you know, if you tip over a jet ski, here's how you write it. You don't have a lot of time. I think, what was it like 60 seconds or something to tip it back over before it's 60 seconds yeah so i was just thinking how violently can i turn on this thing i was just seeing like what does it take to tip one of these and then i started chasing someone's boat i was probably like 100 feet behind it and just doing

little jumps off the wakes just doing some some stuff that you shouldn't have been doing the first time you've ever ridden a jet ski but oh my god it was fun and then and then jeff and i were taking it in turns to do little jumps over this week the uh that is like the best part about being on the jet ski is is driving behind a bigger boat and just jumping off their wake you feel like uh like a horsefly on a on the back of a cow or a horse you know and it's like trying to swat you away and you're just like you're just like jumping around it, bugging it. But it is so much fucking fun. I'm really glad you enjoyed it

because it is like the most fun. It's weird. You really get a feel, like a visual feel about what the water's like. Like there's areas where it is just flat. There's nothing happening and you can really go. Then there's areas of chop where it's like a small amount,

but you know that if you go too fast, you will just slam your asshole on the seat. It will like pound your spine. But then there's like this in-between phase where there's a lot of small waves and you can absolutely floor over those because you just kind of glide along the top of them. So you'll hear it go like as you're just sailing over the very tops. So it's like you learn all this stuff just from looking at the water in in front of you and then you end up being a pretty good judge of what you can do do you remember the the the prize we found floating in the water that we all almost hit

what oh my god there was a point where we were jumping wakes and we were like getting airborne and i jumped a bit like we jumped a big thing and came down in the water and kind of like and looked up and i looked to my left and i screamed out loud because there was a giant hoof looking at me floating out of the water a foot away and we look over and there's just a giant dead fucking deer just floating in the middle in the middle of lake austin like i just i don't know how much a deer is like hundreds and hundreds 800 pound deer maybe i don't know 600 pound deer to the entire fucking thing just like his dead eyes staring out of the sky oh my god fucking hooves it was it was gruesome how close were you to landing on it probably within like three or

four feet jesus yeah did you go like alongside it or over it because i feel like you went to the right really yeah i landed like next to it when i and then moved over to the right but i behind us was about 400 boats pulling uh like skiers and skim boarders and wakeboarders and shit so i gotta imagine that a couple of people probably hit it or had closer run-ins with it than we did so i have two immediate questions uh one is jeff sent me a video of the jet skiing experience with you gavin is that up anywhere has have people seen that yet we should put that put it on instagram yeah i think we'll put it up with this episode i uh that's a good call i haven't uploaded that we should put that on instagram maybe even i know it's like a youtube thing i don't know but we should have that in a place where people could see i love that video it's fantastic i'm a big that was just that's the only thing i knew about this experience going into it

the second question i have you guys mentioned accidents and we're talking about sports in my mind i don't know if this exists i assume it doesn't could we do some form of like jet ski jousting with like two sticks and like a giant pillow or like a foam thing and just smash into it i don't i'm not saying 50 i'm not saying we're going your crazy speed i feel like there's a medium i feel like this could be the evolution of jousting i would pay so much money to watch two jet skis go parallel well i feel like the thing is even if you collide accidentally head on at 10 you're gonna bang heads with the other person at 20 miles an hour combined no you're not you gotta

be there's a separation there has to be a barrier i'm regulating the sport you're not just going yeah well that's fine you won't die from that i'm just saying we get a bear there's a way to do this i don't like that you're immediately cutting down my idea on a regulation aspect of it. Like you're ignoring any of the fun. You're just like there are safety concerns. What if the jet skis ram into each other? What do you think about this, Jeff? I think Andrew should spearhead it.

I think, Andrew, I think you should come jet skiing with us first and then see if you still think that's a good idea. Yeah. I'm saying it would be fun to watch. I didn't say it was a good idea. Well, I agree. It would be fun for me to watch you guys do this. I don't want to run this league. I don't want to kill anybody.

Yeah. It's different if you witness it happening. I do think I'm not sure where to go with this, but I feel like there is more content to be had in the world of jet skiing. I think it's the highest jump quest. I think that's a great idea, Gavin. Because I think we both easily jumped.

How high do you think we went on our max jumps? I mean, in my head, like 20 feet. In reality, maybe four or five feet. I definitely got some air air I got enough air to fucking slam my knee so hard I thought I broke it is that the evolution of the Jeff trick video is the

next one gonna be a jet ski slow motion I think it has to be I just put up the Gavin slow-mo jet ski video in the slack it's fantastic or in the discord rather yeah I think I think that's the evolution is a jet ski stunt I wonder okay so what if we get one of those floating ramps

that you get in gta yeah yeah yeah yeah like you're calling my idea dumb and then your reference point is a thing in gta how do we get it how do we get one of those sprunk ramps we could get someone to make us a sprunk ramp that's a great this is a great this is a great place to take the bike trick the next one it's definitely you know what we could do too gav is we could do uh synchronized tricks oh yeah see i feel like that's as dangerous in my mind as my jousting idea. You two trying to do tricks at the same time within a frame shot of each other? Yeah, maybe that's what we need to do.

How about this, Andrew? We'll rent a boat. You'll be on the boat. You operate the Phantom, right? And Jeff and I will cross paths along the wake. We'll get air and pass each other in the air. Oh, my God. Through the frame.

A jet ski mid-air high five. God, we're going to die. You you're gonna i have to step in and say no like for the sake of my continued job and like you guys not dying or like breaking i have to say no to the midair that there's no way there's no way you're gonna die you're gonna rip off each other's arms. You know what else Eric said no way about? 19. 19. I think there's a way. We would end up sat on each other's jet skis facing the wrong way. It would be like

that episode of Baywatch where Hulk Hogan gets hit by a jet ski and almost dies. It needs to be one of you would go down. Yeah. Yeah. Well, can't open a card packs with one arm yeah but hulk hogan made it oh hey if hulk hogan can make it we got that going for us that's true wow so that was eric noping that one all right so we're still we don't know where we stand with the jet ski well we'll we'll think we definitely have jet ski uh tricks uh that we can do maybe maybe not the high five maybe we'll work our way up to that.

Maybe after we show Eric our skills, he'll feel more comfortable. Maybe you could like an additional input on this, Gavin. Jeff and I were talking about it. I feel like the jet ski entertainment market is pretty shallow. I feel like we can move in. I feel like it's Kenny Powers, number one. Then you think of the guy from Tiger King. And I don't think I have a clear number three where like I definitely think of this person in a jet ski thing. I remember Vanilla Ice being really big into jet skis. That being a thing. I don't know why, but I just remember that.

In my head, I associate jet skis with Vanilla Ice. I feel like that video of Gavin has already surpassed Vanilla Ice in the jet ski thing. Oh, for sure. I think we're already on the podium of jet ski known for jet ski content. Yeah, I think we're already on the podium of Jetski known for Jetski content. I think, honestly, we should

own the podium. Why do you like that video so much? Why do I like it? It's just a silly video. It's a dumb thing. And also, without context, I just received that without any point of reference.

That's the only thing I got it's a good video yeah i'm excited about the future of jet skiing uh i can't wait to kick it up a notch and and and uh start diving into some of the cool shit we can do also by the way how fucking beautiful is lake austin and all the houses oh my god like when you're when we're not going a thousand miles an hour andrew there are all these little channels that you can go in off the main lake that are like you can go in on the jet skis like they're like no wake zone so you go real slow but it's through all these like there's like islands where houses are and you go under like covered bridges and there's like crazy fucking mansions and all these beautiful homes yeah that's like side streets on water. Like you take a little water street off the main lake and then you see a mansion with a volleyball court.

It's a level of wealth that I would describe as absolutely disgusting. Like filthy levels of wealth on that. It's mental just to look at the houses on there. It's pretty cool. I'm excited to film on the back of a boat that I assume is moving very quickly with a very expensive camera based off of your idea yeah i'll give you a sturdy tripod

all you gotta do is hit the button when jeff and i hit the wake and go by each other but how does real life will be like 25 feet apart how does a tripod work when the thing it's resting on is shaking violently does that still help uh the boat is bouncing everywhere like i don't think the tripod does anything at that point sandbags bit of rope okay i'm now excited what i have in my head can't be what you possibly think this will look like so i'm just excited to see what your contraption is for how we're gonna stabilize i think if we tie if we tie ropes like boats have metal loops, right? They have little holes

to put ropes through. That's what comes with a boat, right? You know, just wrap that around a tripod. Have you gotten to a season of Survivor where they do the challenge where they have to hold the bar over their shoulders and they add sandbags to it? They just keep adding weights. That's what I'm imagining your system is for how we're going to level this. I'm just going to have a

bar on my shoulders with a bunch of sandbags attached, trying to stabilize for you and Jeff to high five or do whatever you're doing. Are you a boat guy, Andrew? No, I'm not. Andrew, you went to boat school. You went to boating school. Well, I didn't go to it. The boating school went to my school.

It came to me. I did not go to boat school. I was in normal school, and they did a whole thing on boats you attended boat school i remember this being a big deal back when you were doing your i attended school and it had a boating section that i was very and kind of tying into something else we talked about before knots is where i fell apart i was so determined to ace boat school or the boating classes and then there was the knot section and it fell apart for me i'm terrible at knots never good at it not a not guy i have a uh i have a new this is a little thing but you know i've been thinking about gavin and collecting and how i have uh all my sports cards and all that nonsense and

andrew you now have your and we haven't really talked about it but your burgeoning love of collecting classic video games and uh i think i've landed on, I'm going to put it in the perfect thing for Gavin to collect. I feel like this is going to be insulting. I don't think so. Is it an egg? It's a baseball card of an egg. And there's many different kinds. This is the Allen and Ginter Tops 2019 egg card, of which there's probably 30 different parallels.

Some of it is expensive as $1,000. That's the base egg. Why do you want an egg on a card? Why not, dude? What do you mean, why not? You love eggs. Is this the reaction that you're expecting, Jeff? Oh, 100%, yeah.

You named my cat egg. Yeah. But isn't it... I just don't know where to start. Why isn't that one of a kettle? Why an egg? Well, because this is a famous egg. Why isn't there one of a kettle? Why an egg? Well, because this is a famous egg. Why isn't there one of a wasp nest?

Because the wasp nest didn't get 30 million likes on Instagram or whatever. This is the egg from the most liked thing on Instagram. But why is there a... It's like culturally significant, so they made a card out of it. But there's like many different kinds of that egg you can get. Oh, my God. Look at this eBay page of all the eggs. Yeah, see?

You can collect all those different eggs. $8 egg, $40 egg. The top one's a $1,000 egg, $500 egg. $500 egg. $800 egg. Wow. The PSA 10. So you think I should have a dozen eggs, but they're all baseball cards?

You should be an egg man. You should have the collector's dozen. Yeah, I'll start this collection oh all right a grand though that's a lot for a card with a picture of an egg on it well i hope you get lucky in a pool i feel like the way to do this so i'm trying to like process in my head i think what we do jeff and i don't want to step in on your idea in any way i think we get a bunch of like egg cartons and we buy a bunch of different various types of eggs that are graded egg cards that are graded. Gavin has to pick a carton and he doesn't know where the greatest egg is. He can end up with a bunch of rotten eggs.

He can end up with a bunch of fucking shitty egg cards. He can end up with a great card. I feel like that's the the way to do this. I love that. Instead of just buying every egg. So I just don't know so that I can miss out on a good egg. I want you to potentially open a box of rotten egg cards, just like the shittiest egg cards available.

And then be like, oh, behind this box is like the PSA 10. This is the greatest egg card of all time, apparently, according to eBay at this moment. What a fucking stupid thing to put on a baseball card. What else is, other than eggs, what else that's not

anything to do with baseball have they put on a card? Yeah, that's a great question. I don't know. I really don't. Allen and Ginter, this line, they do this kind of shit

every year. And this isn't old. This isn't an old egg. This is 2019. Yeah. Well, the egg might be old. It's the egg that dethroned stormy jenner on instagram is the most liked photo why do people care about the egg i don't know okay it's just

there has to be a reason i just think it's i just think it's ridiculous and stupid and that if i had to describe gavin that would be the two words i use i I thought you were going to expand on that. I thought you were going to double down on those words you would use. No, that's the word. And the egg was originally posted on Instagram as an experiment by an unidentified Londoner, and the pic soared to 30 million likes. So, for all I know, Gavin, you could have been the one that posted the egg in the first place. You are also British.

This is true. It could have been me. That is a fact in the first place. You are also British. This is true. It could have been. That is a fact. Yeah. Yeah. I can't argue that. You are British. I think it might be you.

I think that's the only classification we need. That's all the evidence. Might have just been identified. And he likes eggs and he likes to say the word egg and he named my cat egg once. That's true. Is there a special word for stealing eggs? Hmm. cat egg once. That's true.

Is there a special word for stealing eggs? Hmm. Like some items it's just called theft but like if you steal an apple it's scrumping. I didn't know that. No I didn't. I didn't know apple had it's own thing. Why is it called scrumping?

What the fuck is that? What is scrumping? Oh is that a British thing? I found a new English thing. What is... You mean just like picking apples? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Well, I haven't looked up scrumping.

I'm pretty sure it just means you've like nicked someone else's apples off their tree. The Cambridge Dictionary definition is to steal fruit such as apples from trees. Yeah, so we need the... What's the egg equivalent of scrumping? How do you scrump an egg? Hold on let me google that Do you say annoyed by this? No, you see you just you said scrumping like it was a legal term like people have gone to jail for scrumping like it is

A thing that art is tried grumping like it is a thing that is tried what am i wrong it's it's it's a name for stealing fruit it is it is 100 a name for stealing fruit did andrew leave i think we lost him no i'm here can you not hear me we lost you for a second no you lost you for a second what was your response to what am i wrong are you wrong about what i don't understand what you're asking me what happened i feel like i missed your question well you disappeared again what do you mean what was the question sorry i'm reading about other uh words for scrumping i will say if you google how do you scrump an egg google responds with uh

we think you mean how do you scramble an egg? In here, we'll tell you. Can the title of this episode be how do you scrump an egg? How do you scrump an egg? Yeah. So I didn't know. This is Humpty. Nick said Humpty Dumpting.

Humpty Dumpting. Humpty Dumpting. That's another thing. Another reason why Gavin should love collecting eggs is we had the whole Humpty Dumpty discussion. It's becoming a very egg-centric podcast lately. We had shit last time and eggs this time. I guess the Humpty Dumpty thing. Yeah.

Eric says, is there a gray area between scrumping and foraging? Yeah, I guess so. If it's not a private tree, I assume it's foraging. If it's an owned tree's if it's not a private tree i assume it's foraging if it's an owned tree or in a if you're trespassing for the apples that's probably scrumping is scrumping a big problem in england i don't know if there's a problem i feel like it's it's just like a light crime that school kids do because it's a little bit cheeky because i assume most people don't give a shit if you take their bramlees off the tree so in america we have like you'll go buy private property.

You'll see signs posted that say like posted no trespassing. Violators will be shot. Stuff like that. Do you see? Do you see in England? Are there signs on trees that say like no scrumping? Scrumpers will be prosecuted. Posted.

Scrumpers will be shot. Scrumpers will be shot on site. I bet I've I think there has been a no scrumping sign at some point we need to make a no scrumping shirt if i put a no scrumping sign on my front lawn that would i think that'd be excellent it would be very confusing to a lot of people yeah i'd love to hear what people say we should the rule is screw the shirt. We should sell no scrumping yard signs

that people can post in their yard or their private property. I feel like that would be such a stressful thing if you're like, okay, we got these people. You're in this field, okay? No scrumping allowed. If you scrump, you're out of the game. And just seeing what people have to process what scrumping

even means, I'd never guess it would be picking apples. I love it without the ing like to scrump. You see that tree? He scrumped it. Bad fucking scrumper with his bag of apples you see all those pies those pies are the product of scrumping got like black market scrumped pies i love i love the idea of a conversation in prison like

what are you in for scrumping I love the idea of a conversation in prison. Like, what are you in for? Scrumping. Grand scrumping. I stole an 18-wheeler of eggs. It's grand scrump larceny. What is this, Eric? Scrumping badgers.

Oh, badgers scrump, probably. Yeah, they're scrumpers. Instead of teardrops for kills, it's apples for theft for scrumps. We should just sell a... We should make a shirt that has a badger with a no circle and line around it that just says scrumper at the bottom of it.

Yeah, so I think the next merch meeting should be scrumping-centric. Scrumperper no scrumping oh my god that's great wow well that just landed in our laps that's what i hope the audience sat through the sports portion at the beginning of the podcast to hear this jesus i did not expect i did not expect that dumb egg baseball card which by the way i bought six weeks ago and i've been meaning to to bring up uh i did not expect it to go the route of scrumping that that what a gift i don't it's funny so scrumping can be any tree that's owned like any fruit

it doesn't even have to be a tree what if i it's like a bush situation is that scrumping is it stealing the fruit off of a thing that somebody else's owns is that a book called scrumping by harry newhouse an erotic short story on the consequences of apple thievery oh my god is this on ebay how do we get this yeah it's on amazon it's on amazon it's free on kindle is is the story of adam and eve a scrump story? Is that... Who... What was the tree? What do they call the original sin? The original scrump.

Adam and Eve is the original scrump! That's how it all went wrong! Oh my god! That was the origin of all sin, was a cheeky scrump. Original sin is a scrump. It's like humanity began, according to the Bible, humanity began with scrumping. It's like they say that prostitution is the oldest known profession in the world,

but it's not. It's scrumping. I'm just imagining somebody getting pulled over with a giant sack of apples in their backseat, sweating. You know when a cop is searching something and they see something of criminal activity and they just grab their gun and somebody's just seeing the big crate of apples?

Yes. He looks at it and goes, you're going pretty fast there, man. Everything okay? And you're like, yeah, sorry, I didn't realize I was speeding. He sees the bag of apples in the back, and he just touches them, and he goes, ma'am. Stats bag goes, ma'am, I need you to get out of the car.

Right now. Get out of the car right now. Hands on the car! Hands on the car! They drive by a cop car, like, the lights aren't on yet. They just see it on the side of the road. Pour the apples out! Pour the apples out!

They're just throwing apples out the window oh my god we should read this story we should do like a pod we should do like a face uh shoulder episode where we just read the scrumping story yes for the audience i think that's good and this is maybe something to do after the jet ski stunt we'll make a scrumped pie holy shit I never viewed eating a pie as potentially a criminal offense this has changed my life dramatically

scrumping wow oh man I feel like I learned so much today I've been an educational one how many bullets do you have left Andrew much today. It's been an educational one. So fucking stupid. How many bullets do you have left, Andrew? For like things for us to talk about or my bets? I still got my five.

I have one. It's kind of a bigger thing that we talked about. Is it the superhero thing? Yeah, I feel like I'm the only one that also did the homework on that. You're not the only one who did the homework. I have an angle there that I'd like to explore, but I don't think we have time to get into the superhero thing. And Gavin, I don't think we've talked to you

about that at all, have we? No, we did. Briefly on text. Briefly on text. Okay, yeah. I'll say this. I survived Survivor. I finally finished the 21 seasons.

Now I'm living in a post-Survivor world. That's kind of cool. Damn, you sped up. I'm still the 21 seasons. Now I'm living in a post-Survivor world. That's kind of cool. Damn, you sped up. I'm still on like 38. So you're just not going to watch the earlier ones? I will. I mean, I finished it. I wanted to get through it so that I could watch the new one and be all caught up.

So I watched seasons 20 through 40. And then when does 41 start? Like end of the month? September 22nd, I think, or 26th. One of those days. Yeah, it's end of the month. Should we try and get or 26th one of those days yeah it's end of the month should we try and get probes done oh yeah absolutely he could be our first guest i don't know what i'd ask probes what would you ask

does anybody tell us about the what kind of scrumping goes on behind the scenes that we don't know about are they scrimping rice fruit from a tree in that show it's of scrumping goes on behind the scenes that we don't know about? Are they scrumping rice? Whenever they pull fruit from a tree in that show, it's not scrumping because nobody owns that, you'd assume. Right. You'd assume that's just beach. All the breadfruit is fair game for them. Yes. We could take on the responsibility of reporting all global scrumping. Because I can't imagine it comes up in the news that often.

But if it does, I feel like we could report that. Has anyone been... To the listeners. What's the biggest consequence to a scrumper? Well, we need to read that erotic novel. It's probably anal. We'll find out. That apparently was about the consequences.

I feel like we're going to get six pages into that thing and go like, this was a huge mistake. We cannot do this. Well, we'll need to see if we have the rights to do it, if we can legally do it. But if we can, I think we have to. Although, the comment leavers are welcome to tell us not to if they don't want to hear it.

Where does copyright... Are we worried about copyright because it'll get detected? Can I play a snippet of an audio commentary on a movie or is that not allowed, Eric? That's not allowed. Audio stuff is pretty cut and dry, but as far as intellectual property, I've been looking it up, as far as intellectual

property for an audiobook-style situation where we're reading something, I think we can do it. And also, we should just do it. Wow. There you go. Eric's usually the no, absolutely not guy. That was a yes from the producer.

We have to do it. I love this idea. I think we're going to get three pages. Andrew said six pages. I think we're getting three pages in and going, what, I'm not reading this anymore. I think that's what's going to happen. Where do the apples go?

I guess we'll find out. I'm reading a story about scrumping. Look at these fucking criminals. Look at these hardened fucking criminals. Showing off. That looks like a job for the Vancouver Childkicker. No. That's like a full on heist.

He can de-scrump that real fast. I feel like that would you'd get such good air. If mid-scrump, I mean. Specifically. Just an observation. I'm just thinking about... Please stop kicking children, Andrew.

I've never... I would never. I want to be very clear. I don't endorse it. Don't do it. I've never done it. You say, I would never. want to be very clear. I don't endorse it. Don't do it. I've never done it I would say I would never you we've seen the photo Disturbingly like you this is what I didn't say at that time

Okay, and this is I feel like a key piece of information that will maybe change your views on that story I had just seen it follows within like the last few days. I feel like that's a big shift That's a movie all about the demon thing can shape into whatever it follows within like the last few days. I feel like that's a big shift. That's a movie all about the demon thing can shape into whatever. It can look like anything. Yeah, but at this point it wasn't following, it was approaching. The movie's not called It Approaches. What do you mean? If you're following

you approach. You certainly are approaching while following. It's following you behind, like when you follow someone, you're following behind them. You were turned around and facing it. They were. They were following, like when I turned, they were walking towards me. That's fair. How close did this person get? Within, I would say

six feet. They were probably six feet. Okay, so they were six feet from you. At which foot marker would you have deployed the kick? I would have deployed it probably at a dinklage and a half. Okay. I would have taken a step forward i i was giving plenty of warnings i'm so i really i do feel like my life would have dramatically shifted

if i kicked that kid i'm so glad i did yeah yeah i think it was six feet away you must have been two feet from kick that was very close but it was within seven seconds of something happening i would say i gave so many warning i was trying to talk it was very scary it was an intimidating situation i just love that he's six feet away and he's still somehow a silhouette you had no information of his face i feel like we moved four feet walking backwards and i never saw anything that looked like a face at all it It was just dark outline the entire move. I have never seen this before in my life, but this is fascinating.

My two dogs are, I just looked out the window, both of my dogs are next to each other perfectly, taking a dump at the exact same time. What's the latest on the shit? Three inches apart from each other. They're like, it's like synchronized shitting. That's so cool. They don't even like each other but they shit together that's so neat how's the what's it has the what now well have you had any uh bad bad dog shit experience uh

nah man life's been pretty shit free for me lately uh knock on wood um nothing like after that doorknob fell off i I haven't really had any house problems as of late. Knocking on wood again. Um, dogs are fine. Knocking on wood. Woo. Yeah.

It's a, it's a, something about you going out of the country, um, makes my problems go too. Interesting. Well, I'll take another trip. We'll test it out. Well, just don't do it on fucking Thursdays cause I don't want to skip another episode sorry to to interject randomly i'm reading a story right now somebody who was charged with scrumping there's somebody has been there's been a charge filed against someone so the word scrumping was on the legal documents on the legal documents goff had been charged with

scrumping in the back garden of a house in Blecheiden? Southampton? B-L-E-C-H-Y-D-E-N. Magistrates taking the case at the town's petty sessions on August 5th, 1868 were not merciful, sentencing him to seven days hard labor with a warning that if he offended

he would probably be whipped. There's a serious... What year was this? It was in 1868 august 5th 1868 no this is just eric's asking if this is from the book we're gonna read no this is just a new story i pulled up and where was that from the daily echo.co.uk no i mean okay so it was it was in the uk see this is yeah southpton. This is why we fucking got, that's why we got the fuck out of there. This draconian scrumping laws.

We had to start our own company. And that's our own country. And that's why I had never heard, nor had Eric or Nick ever heard of scrumping because we escaped scrumping tyranny when we left England. That makes sense. Get away from it.

I feel like this will stand now as the most mentions of the word scrump in any piece of media of all time. I don't think this could be beaten. We're taking the scrump podium! We'll put it right next to our jet ski podium.

Absolutely. I have two more things to say. Two points that I want to close out that are very dated right now. Take it away one people have asked how i did with my olympic bets we haven't recorded since i guess we did last one but i went 11 out of 16 just to clear that up and the second thing i want to say is i heard yesterday i found out i do not listen to these uh that the plan to order the ice cream came during the chaos. That was me getting the first order.

And I just want to say, I respect the move. I thought that was preplanned. I also want to say, Jeff, I think you ordered me more ice cream than you anticipated. You sent me a giant two liter tub of banana ice cream. Yeah.

It's not a big $70. Yeah. I tried to send you like a hundred dollars worth of ice cream. I assumed it was a lot. You sent me a double tub of banana and you sent me a small tub of banana and so i didn't i say you cookie dough too right because you don't like it you did i remember you saying that you think something like cookie dough yeah is the ice cream that people think they like but then when they have it it's not as good as they think or something so i tried yeah to load you up heavy on that one no i well the thing is i flipped cream that people think they like, but then when they have it, it's not as good as they think or something. So I tried to load you up heavy on that one. No, I, well,

the thing is I flipped on that. I actually like cookie dough now. I reversed that opinion. I enjoyed that. You got me bubble gum ice cream too, which is fine, but it was more of an issue of you got this big tube and you got the little tube and I opened the first ice cream I tried was the banana ice cream. And I'm like, Jeff loves banana flavor this makes sense i've never had banana ice cream it's fine i wouldn't eat this regularly i thought i would whatever i i was i bet you would adore this fucking ice cream i i had it i'm like i'm not gonna throw this away it's not that big of a container i'll just eat this across time it's fine and then i opened the big container and my realization that this was an even bigger tub of banana ice cream was just filled with disappointment.

I was so excited of like, I got four flavors and they're mystery. I don't know what they are. We're half of it was just banana ice cream. Oh, that makes my heart happy. Oh, that's yeah. Have you eat? Have you gone through all the ice cream yet? I ate the cookie dough. I have gotten rid have you gone through all the ice cream yet uh i've i ate

the cookie dough i have gotten rid of the majority of the banana ice cream i've tried i did my best it's just too much and uh i still have i didn't really touch the bubble gum still how about all the how about all the sweets and pastries oh yeah those are long you can't you can't keep those going yeah they don't hold my favorite part of that is when you stormed off the second time like you came you you were mad leaving because at this point it was it was the bit was old to you it was very inconvenient i just like how you came back the second time and i could almost picture you like smiling through your teeth you were like thanks for the ice cream even though you're annoyed, you said thanks.

We just wanted to celebrate your birthday, man. This is what I'm excited about. Gavin, I talked to you about an idea I had relating to Jeff before that. That sort of connects to this. Do you remember that? No. I talked to you about a thing. I'll quickly text you what it is okay and

what Jeff did just locked in that I'm going to now do that so I'm gonna send you quick texts to get your reaction looking at my phone yep sending it right now so I that's something that we talked about before that happened now this this is just like, it's an absolute. There's going to be a response. That's a guarantee. 100%. We better be able to put it on a t-shirt. Yeah, I think we can.

Okay. Okay. The last thing I sent you, we're doing stuff with. So I think it's confident to say. Oh my God. How cool does that look, by the way? Yeah, it's awesome. Should we say, I didn't want to say it because I didn't know if we're good.

Yeah, no, that's fine. I think we can say it. Yeah, we're doing like pink porta potty mugs, like t way? Yeah, it's awesome. Should we say, I didn't want to say it because I don't know if we're good. Yeah, no, that's fine. I think we can say it. Yeah, we're doing like pink porta potty mugs, like tiki mug things, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, they look awesome. They look really cool. They look very cool.

I don't know when those will come out, but they look great. I think it's been a whole thing. Like they should have been out already, but we got our sample back from the vendor and it wasn't up to standard. So we switched vendors and it's been a whole thing, but it's, I know the merch department's been working on it diligently in

the background great should we wrap this up yeah yeah let's do it once again i feel like we all have so much stuff to talk about and it's a time issue and it's the issue of i feel like none of us want to really engage in the thing because we don't have time but we still have a lot yeah we do we still have a big thing it's the thing i feared of having so much that we can't have time. But we still have a lot. Yeah, we do. We still have a big thing. It's the thing I feared of having so much that we can't talk about it. That's okay, because we can talk about it

next Thursday when we record another episode of F*** Face. Is that the outro? I like the way you said that, like Thursday is the day, like it sounds like

Thursday is the day the podcast comes out on, which is very cool. No, it's just the day we record. Oh no, I understand that, and you understand that. The people who record the show, maybe the, it's just the day we record. Oh, no, I understand that, and you understand that. The people who record the show,

maybe the people who listen to the show don't. Well, now they do. It's been explained to them very clearly now in this way. Thanks for listening to another episode of F*** Face. What about the calls to action or anything like that? We'll see you next week. Gavin, why don't you give us the calls to action that you love so dearly? It's your favorite part of the podcast. Oh, I did that last time.

And Andrew. Eric, pick a number between 1 and 60. Who, me? We already did this bit. There's no way I'm... Eric. Okay. Okay, go. Okay. Okay, I'm ready. It can't be 19. I still have 19. No, I'm not. It's not 19.

Okay. Okay, I'm ready. It can't be 19. I still have 19. No, I'm not. It's not 19. Okay. I love our ability to have an amazing moment on the podcast and then just do it again and it's worse. We're so good at that. Yeah, open the f***ing face. All right, you tell me when you're ready and I will hit enter. I'm ready. I got it in my hand.

Ready? 47. Nope. Nope. Not even close. Goodbye! Bye! I got it in my hand. Ready? 47. Nope. Nope. Not even close. Goodbye! That's what I said. Okay.