Regulation Podcast - The Worst Minute in F**kface History // Metaphorical Coin Flipping Socks [30]

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew do the episode but Geoff gets up... like 5 times? Anyway they also talk about Cyberpunk's broken nose, Geoff's podcast unfaithfulness, a good minute, and more. Listen to a F**kface Christmas at https://soundcloud.com/user-741322501/sets/have-a-fkface-christmas-feat-the-fkface-discord-orchestra. Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face80) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Nothing a little old reboot wouldn't do. Okay, this is me. Jet 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Alright, that's done. What are you syncing? Yeah, what did you sync to? What did you just sync?

I've been doing too much Achievement Hunter today. I did some Achievement Hunter today. It's an old Achievement Hunter joke. Alright, so here's the thing, boys. We had a false start earlier. It's okay. It wasn't any good anyway. I was being very critical of it in my head as it was happening.

Did you save the audio? It was a bad minute. No, no, I didn't save it. I decided I didn't. What is a bad minute? I don't think you can determine a minute is bad. It wasn't crazy entertaining. Hey, Andrew, give us a good minute and go.

Well, there's no way I can do a good minute with that amount of pressure. You give us a good minute. Not with that attitude. You've wasted five seconds. Let's get a good 50 seconds. Let's go. What do you want? What is a good minute? What do you want me to talk about? I'm asking you for it. Why am I asking you if I'm going to provide you how to make the minute good? You've lost

20 seconds. Let's get a good 40 seconds and go. There's no hope of me recovering from've lost 20 seconds. Let's get a good 40 seconds and go. There's no hope of me recovering from a lost 20 seconds. It's only down from here. Down to a good 30 seconds. Take it away, Andrew. No, I'm just not going to speak. This is a protest.

Well, yeah. Jeff, is this a better minute than the minute we lost? Or what has been? I feel like the other minute was better. Here's how I f*** faced myself. I referenced how bad the previous minute was, all but ensuring that you guys created what might be the worst minute in the history of f*** face.

What? I should have seen that coming. But we're still in that minute. You're a part of it now. There's no way we're still within the minute. It's too little too late. There's no way we're still in that minute. Really? I hope to God we're not. I would like to put that, I would like to put as much distance

between that minute and us as humanly possible. I think technically every second is adding distance so we're good. It just naturally happens. Have you ever listened to a thing, though, and thought that was a great minute? No first minute of a podcast is that great. We've had some great final minutes, like when you were being attacked by your mic setup.

That was gone. That was not uploaded. That was deleted. Nobody listened to that. So it's like you're mentioning something that never happened essentially that was a bad burp if we're gonna just start judging things that burp was not great Jeff I wasn't going for

I wasn't trying to break it well I wasn't going for the greatest fucking comedy minute ever but apparently we're judging that but I was asking for it Andrew I didn't say Jeff do the best burp right now that was just a normal burp yeah but he's expecting things for the first minute. You can't just say, have a great first minute. These things just happen.

You can't plan for them. You can't just on the spot declare for a fantastic minute. That's ridiculous. What are we at, like three minutes now, four? We're almost at five minutes, but to what extent that this five minutes is used, who knows? All right, well, here's what I want to talk about today. One, I cheated on you guys, and I want to apologize, but also I'm kind of excited about what opportunities lay ahead for us.

And two, I need to discuss something that's been bothering me for a very long time that I can't... I've been scared to talk about because I think A, it's going to make me look incredibly stupid. And B, I think you might, I might be losing, you might think I've lost my mind. Are you selling your car already? No, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that. Car's doing great. Car's better than ever. I drove it to get chili quiles for breakfast today and it worked like a charm. Got me there, got me back. Easy lickety split.

A plus plus. Yeah, no, the first thing, the easy thing, well, first off, those are the two things I want to talk about. Cheated on you guys, feel real bad about it, but it also kind of made me excited, and then I think I'm losing my mind, and I need, I don't know why I need to talk to you two idiots about it, but I've decided to.

And what do you guys got? Anything? I have, yeah, if we want to, so Cyberpunk just came out. I don't know if you've played it, Gavin. I assume you haven't, Jeff. I played it. I'm about four hours in. Really?

Okay. That's great. How do you know I've played it? Because you're more of a video game guy to me than Jeff is. So I would have assumed that you would have played it, because it's a massive game. You assumed correct. Yeah. Okay. Well, I played it, and I typically

had an interesting experience. So typically I don't give a shit about character creators, but there's so much excitement around this game, and it seems like it's going to be such a massive game. I thought, I'm going to really invest in this character. I'm going to try to make it as accurate of a representation myself as i can i'm gonna really put the time in adjust the things not a lot of options i was kind of disappointed you can do like a million different

things but you have like six choices per thing i feel like there's not a lot of body options like you can't set back length no back length was not that was all yeah that was obviously disappointing but anyway i go through this whole process and i make a character i'm happy with it's like the first time i've ever done this with a game where i'm like i invested time this is me in this universe i load up the game the very first fucking thing you do is put your nose back in the place because you broke it took me out immediately i am not that character. My nose would never break. It ruined the

immersion instantly. It was such an unexpected thing to ruin it, but it's literally the first option you have when you load that game. Set your nose. You must have picked a different path because I didn't do that. What path did you pick? You didn't fix

your broken nose? No, I'm a corpo. I'm a corpo that. What path did you pick? You didn't fix your broken nose? No, I'm a corpo, I'm a... Oh! Was it? Corpro dude. What do you do? Andrew, you picked street kid? Yeah, I picked street kid. I picked street kid.

I feel like most people picked nomad or street kid, but I was just feeling a bit business-y, so I just went that path. That's interesting, I didn't even consider that those choices would align differently. So my nose is untouched so far. So I picked the only option in which it would have ruined the immersion for me. Life does not imitate art there. Did you pick a penis length or did you give yourself a vag? I went penis. I just went basic.

I didn't put a lot of thought into that process. You put middle-sized penis? I think so, yeah. I think I went penis one and then. You put middle-sized penis? I think so, yeah. I think I went penis one and then just normal. Normal-sized balls. You think so? How is penis not like a big decision that you made? I just didn't think it would go into the gameplay that much.

You can pick whether your penis is circumcised or uncircumcised, and I think you can pick from three sizes. Yeah, not a lot of options. Well, there's less for the vagina. The options for vagina is vagina. I didn't see any of that shit. I just hit random and went for it. I had no clue when you were talking about the penis thing earlier today.

Also, FYI, Andrew sounds like a robot to me. Gavin sounds fine, so I'm having trouble picking up what Andrew's saying. Jeff sounds a little robotic to me. Yeah, you've sounded like you sounded a bit dog shit this entire recording. You should reboot, maybe. Maybe do another reboot. I don't hear anything.

And then we could redo the minute, Jeff. Hello? You can finally get your minute. Hey, it's Eric. If you do reboot, are you going to save the audio, or... I don't know. That's a great question. Is he gone? Jeff? Did Jeff just reboot? Just immediately rebooted?

Why does this happen with him so much? It's a bold move to just immediately reboot or he's just not talking. Either way. No, I think his computer got all messed up. Oh, you think this isn't on purpose? You think he's crashed into capacity? Do you think it's... Okay, so how do we make sure? How do we see if it's an on purpose uh?

I guess we ask him when he comes back. I did hear him say a little bit ago You guys are breaking up. He said that right in the middle of you talking Andrew But I feel like we just ignored him no I didn't hear that at all I heard him after say like Andrew Hello, it's like a robot. Oh wait. No, no. Hey, what's up? God damn it. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. He's here. He said he just got. Can you hear me now?

I don't hear Jeff at all. So, Eric, when are we rescheduling the podcast? Gavin's fine. You want to just call Andrew on the phone? Yeah. What do you mean? Call me. Gavin's fine Gavin okay you want to just cool Andrew on the phone yeah What do you mean call me well you have an issue with you Andrew? Oh, I can't hear Jeff

Andrew can't hear me Why would you hear each other? This is it over each other now i have no idea what jeff's saying this is this is like lunacy how is this how this is how girl pool happened no okay i'm gonna whenever jeff's thing we need to set up an honor system when jeff lights up i'll stop talking that doesn't but it's a podcast no no no no no no no it'll be fine it'll be fine gavin i'll have it's like a choose your own adventure happening simultaneously and gavin is the the main character well i gotta go pick who i want to listen to no we'll just go back and forth and people can decide. What, like I gotta pick who I want to listen to?

No, we'll just go back and forth and people can decide what path they liked. By the way, Andrew sounds fine now. Andrew, can you hear Jeff? Oh, absolutely not. I can hear Andrew sounds totally fine to me. Could you see him lighting up, Andrew? Oh, I can see him lighting up, absolutely. That's how I know.

It's like a red light, green light scenario. Whenever I see that light go up, I go quiet. So if you want to make Jeff laugh, that's going to be difficult. I feel like that's a big part of this podcast. Oh, he's laughing. Did you hear that, Andrew? No, I didn't. Okay, I'll recite what Jeff said. That's what he's saying now.

Oh, that's great. That's great. Why can't Andrew just jump? Oh, that's great. That's great. Why can't Andrew just jump? Andrew, just get off the call real quick. Quit Skype. Open it back up. Come back in. But just stop recording.

What do you mean quit Skype? I'm on Skype? Discord. Discord. Why don't we try on Skype? Shut up. I maintain that somehow Andrew's the problem. I'm telling you it's not my fault.

Wait, so wait, you can hear Jeff. What do you mean? You just replied to him. This is bullshit. No, wait, what do you mean? You just replied to him. What do you mean? You did.

You did. No, I didn't hear. I just left and came back. I didn't hear anything. I just was declaring it was not my fault. No, I'm not. This isn't a bit. I couldn't hear you.

You were doing a bit. You were doing a fucking bit. No, I wasn't doing a bit. Andrew. This is no bit bit. I couldn't hear you. You were doing a bit. You were doing a fucking bit. No, I wasn't doing a bit. This is no bit. But you can hear him now. Yeah, I can hear him now. You sound great, Jeff. Okay. How's it going, buddy? I missed you. I missed you too. So you

picked the street guy and your nose got broken after you've broke it. Or your nose got fixed. And then Gavin's a corpo. What's it like being a corpo? That seemed like the lamest one. It felt like the lamest one. Starting at the top and going

downhill from there. But I just wanted to see all the shiny. And that seemed like the shiniest option to me. Wait, what do you mean see all the shiny? Like it's shiny windows, like rich people metallic floors and stuff. It seemed all shiny like. now i've lost but it's an open world game clearly you'd get there eventually isn't the whole world shiny like you

don't get your own area i don't know just something about starting in the dust didn't feel like doing it i like the idea that they they propose like they say hey if you pick this choice this is your life if you pick this choice this is your life your determination was just, what's the shiniest? You gave no fucks about any of the other options or your lifestyle. I wanted to see the ray tracing and the puddles and stuff. That's fair. If you put it in that context, I get it. I'm gonna fix this. I'll be right back.

Oh, Christ. We've got like two minutes. What happened? What are we doing? No, I think this is all good. What is Jeff doing? I told you this isn't my fault i told you it wasn't my fault and that it is his and i wasn't doing a bit maybe while jeff's gone we can have a few updates on last week's recording or the week before i mean i guess they're the same day for us uh andrew has your salad cream arrived no it's it's kind of it's following the uh the thank us later model it's uh not

expected to arrive until december 26th to like january something oh wow it's gonna be a while i hate a treat it might i don't know if i want to call it a treat i learned i accidentally ordered two i ordered an allotment of two and i'm disgusted to even have one i regret it why what's it's just i don't like anything about it i know it's not the most outrageous thing that the idea of using a heinz bottle to put anything on a salad seems absurd just seems like it would be a bad idea i don't want to use a heinz bottle on anything green that makes no sense because so much stuff of Heinz you put on green stuff like what name Exactly fucking exactly the Heinz make a mayonnaise. Yeah, they do I guess but not in like a bottle. I don't think

You wouldn't want a squeeze bottle for mayonnaise would you I feel like mayonnaise is a knife condom. Oh, no I've got a squeeze bottle for mayor really it's an it's an upside down one too. Hello? Interesting. I'm not a mayo guy. As I said, I'm a sneaky mayo eater. I'll never put it on anything. I kind of don't like the idea of eating it, but if it's on an item I order, I won't take it off and I'll probably enjoy it.

Wow, Heinz make dressings too. As a spray. What do you mean a spray? What the fuck? They got spray bottles. I'm looking at Heinz Balsamic with a hint of garlic, Heinz Raspberry Balsamic, chili and lime, and zesty lemon salad dressing spray. Oh, it really is salad dressing spray, yeah. Hello?

That's amazing. And that's going all over your green stuff, Andrew. Yeah, that's true. I guess, you know, I was considering, oh, that's not all over your green stuff Andrew. Yeah, that's true. I guess you know I as considering Oh, that's not what I imagine that I guess I mean the bottle technology exists why wouldn't Heinz use it leading? I think more food should be sprayed on like all right. What do you know this is gonna work? Okay, what do you mean? This is gonna work? What did you do? I just rebooted my internet, okay? You're not on Wi-Fi. Well.? Well, here's the problem. I am

unfortunately because I'm in my bedroom and I can't run a Cat5 cable that far. Your bedroom has all the shelves in it or? No, the library has the shelves. Listen, library's still getting work done. I had somebody here today. Who's that mean? I don't want to get into a whole thing, but because people

gave me the order wrong to get shit done because people, everybody's well-me thing, but because people gave me the order wrong to get shit done because people, everybody's well-meaning, but motherfucker, I just, I got the wallpaper in, I got the wallpaper in two weeks ago, or last week, however long ago it was, I don't remember, do you remember when I got the wallpaper in? It was a fucking eternity ago,

I'll tell you that. And today, the guy comes in to look at the support for the desk, because the desk needs a support, needs a metal beam on it, otherwise the fucking desk isn't going to be strong enough and my fucking monitors are all going to crash into each other like Jeremy's ass kick. And he goes, oh, it's too bad about the wallpaper. We're going to have to rip all that up.

I didn't even think I was going to have to talk about this today because I agreed after this morning that I wasn't going to think about it for a while because I was frustrated. And then you guys drug it out of me because I realized I'm on fucking Wi-Fi in the bedroom. But it shouldn't be a problem, guys, because I've been on Wi-Fi in the bedroom

for like the last five fucking episodes because this library's never going to get finished. Here's the thing as well, though. You could just spend about eight bucks on just a long Cat5 cable and just use it for a bit and then bung it in a cupboard when you're done the best thing i can do is if i get a 50 foot cat five cable i could run it out the library window and then into the sliding glass door in my bedroom

i think but it hasn't been i considered that just now however it hasn't been a fucking issue for the last five episodes so why would it be one today? It's a sunny day outside. There's no bad weather. Internet should be great. I love it. So in order to prop up your desk, I assume it would just be like a leg under the desk or something. They're ripping down all the wallpaper.

I don't want a leg to like bang my knee into and be like in the middle. And so they're going to build like a metal elf beam that's going to go into the stud and come out which is the elegant solution and the right way to do it to build it properly however that's going to require them to rip out the sheetrock that i just had that they just had me get re-sheetrocked so who's in charge of the order? Is there like a project manager who should be arranging that? Or is that you? That's the problem. It's listen, a lot of lessons learned on this library.

It's going to be fucking beautiful. It's going to be wonderful. It's going to be amazing. Tomorrow, I'm going to have drawer pulls on all of my drawers. And I'm going to be able to start using them. I'm going to have a light installed where I need a light installed. That's going to be great too. I'm going to have a light installed where I need a light installed. That's going to be great too. I'm going to have 30% less wallpaper than I have today,

but I'll deal with that problem tomorrow. Well, you missed us talking about Heinz salad dressing spray, but I don't think you really missed out on too much there. No, it was kind of interesting. It was mildly interesting. That's a whole thing, that salad dressing shit. Have you experienced

that? Have you used that? Nah, dude. It looks gross as all hell. What do you mean, then? It's a whole thing. What is that based off of? We've been getting a ton of fucking tweets about salad dressing sprays and creams and whatever. You already knew about the sprays before I just looked it up?

The salad dressing spray? I thought we were talking about the thing from the other day. No. The salad cream. Look in the Discord. Oh, and whatever. Wait, you already knew about the sprays before I just looked it up? The salad dressing spray? I thought we were talking about the thing from the other day. No. The salad cream. Look in the Discord. Oh, hold on. It's like a balsamic with garlic. I guess they're, well, no, half of them are balsamics.

Well, why do you need that? Andrew said he didn't want to put Heinz on anything green. So I found some good examples of stuff that goes on green. Dude, I bet that raspberry balsamic is good. All right, Gavin, you can only have one of those four salad dressing sprays for the rest of your life. You're using it on every salad you have. Which one do you pick?

I think I'll just pick classic balsamic with a hint of garlic. Yeah. How about you, Andrew? Which one are you going? You're a spicy dude. You're going to do chili and lime? No, no, no. I don't trust Heinz with fruit in the slightest.

They're not a fruit company to me. I'd veer away from anything that they're claiming has fruit in it So I'd have to go with the garden. Well Heinz stuff has fruit in it typically. This, this, all three Three of the four of those have a fruit in them. I don't trust the fruit Isn't tomato technically a fruit? Yeah, I guess technically you're right, but that's a whole nobody considers That's like a weird thing. Like the main Heinz condiment. It's all they use. Yeah, but the tomato fruit thing is very like, I know a lot about tomatoes.

I mean, it's technically a fruit, not a vegetable. Like you'd assume it would be. So you're okay with their veg? Yeah, I'm totally fine with the vegetables. So you eat their beans? Yeah, the Heinz baked beans, pretty good. You're into their legumes. Yeah, no problem with that.

I just don't, where's Heinz getting their lemons from? Or a raspberry. Where the fuck is Heinz getting the raspberries? But why do you care so much about, like, if you eat some chicken soup, do you ever think, like, where did this chicken live? I went actually beyond that, Gavin. I had a realization, like, a year ago of where's the chicken in the chicken noodle soup? Because the chicken noodle soup I would always get didn't have chicken in it.

What do you mean? Okay, so my entire life. So I'm not a big soup guy, but when I get chicken noodle soup, I get it from a company like in a box and there was no chicken chunks in that. It was just like a packet. Because you have to add the chicken chunks in it it was just like because you have to add the chicken probably so it's just chicken stock maybe i guess so so yeah anyway that was my realization i thought well where's the chicken in the chicken noodle soup and the person i said this to was stunned i had never heard of putting actual pieces of chicken in the soup it was

something i learned i've never put chicken in but i have had chicken noodle soup with chicken in the soup is something I learned. I've never put chicken in, but I have had chicken noodle soup with chicken in it. Hence the chicken. Yeah, I've never had it. So I thought, is it a broth thing? I guess it must be a broth thing. And then I looked it up and saw that I guess most chicken noodle soup have chicken. Like actual pieces. My dog's screaming.

I gotta go. I'll be back in one second. I gotta let her out. Be right back. What are you doing today? Is this for real? Is this a real episode of this show? I'll be honest. If Jeff had done the

podcast the same day his shelves were getting put up, it would have been less intrusive than this. 100%. I'm doing the metadata right now and I'm just putting in, Jeff is hardly in this one, kind of. I was having such a good day and now I'm all discombobulated

I'm calling salad cream salad spray I'm all backwards I'm fucking everything fell apart all at once I listened to the one from two weeks ago I totally heard the dog fart it was so loud I'm not sure if they boosted it but it was amazing

I got a lot of comments on the dog fart actually. I got Henry right here next to me. I'm hoping he'll fart again today. I think most people's highlights of that episode was a dog that didn't say anything. They tend to not say anything. What happened to only farts? I was thinking about

that. Oh, I just haven't. You know, I'm still, my butthole is still kind of a dry fart right now yeah i just i'm waiting to get inspired as soon as i do uh i actually went through and i just deleted a bunch of farts out of my phone because i just i was listening to them and they were just i was struggling you know you get you get like a four and you're just like wishing it's a six like but you can't lie to yourself so i just i'd know a bunch of them it adds a lot more pressure when you go in for the record it really

it does it really it's there's fart anxiety that's real you're trying to yeah we haven't come up with a fart buffer design yet no that's still in the works oh could i get my own just before we pivot away from sauces one thing that was very surprising to me, a lot of people had honey mustard in their top three. Most of the time, one or two. Honey mustard's my number one. I love it. I don't feel like a lot of people talk about honey mustard, though. I feel like it's a sleeper, all-time sauce.

I just hear honey mustard. My only interaction with it is that I hear it in a list of other sauces, and then I don't pick honey mustard. Why don't you pick it? because there's always something nicer no I have I think you got to give it another chance honey mustard I think is the top sauce I feel like it's like a sauce subset I like I'm with Gavin on that one it's like maybe in a certain situation but if I'm if I'm feeling mustard I'd probably just rather have plain old yellow mustard than a mustard with flourish. Well, if you're putting it on a dog, I don't think you want honey mustard. But for a lot of other items, fries, chicken strips, chicken, a lot of the chicken items, honey mustard, fantastic. I completely disagree.

Can I get my own honey mustard? Is there anything blocking me from doing that if I pursued it? What do you mean? Like you know how like every actor has a fucking vodka? Could I get my own honey mustard if I wanted to? Is there anything blocking me from that? I don't think so. Maybe FDA approval.

No I wouldn't. Like do you think the actors are making vodka? They just find the company that is willing to put their brand on it and they sponsor it i'd love to have my own honey musk what you need to do is put a snazzy little pitch together and then give it to ryan reynolds get him on board and then you're set he has 7 000 companies i tried that didn't work i already went that route specifically with ryan reynolds yeah specifically with ryan reynolds work. Tried that already, Jeff. You're two months behind.

What happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't remember. I think I was trying to sell not the Rooster Teeth store to Ryan Reynolds and I had no reply. Didn't work. Ah, here you go. Eric gave you some helpful No, I looked into that, Eric. I don't want to do that.

That seems like a lot of work. I just want to put, I want to have a sauce I like. I'll try it. If I don't like it, I wouldn't sign to it. But if I liked it, I want to sign it and then support it, endorse it.

That's what I want. I want minimal effort, but I want my own honey mustard because I'd love to have that. Who wouldn't want a sauce? No, I think a lot of people are doing that these days too. I'm pretty sure Action Bronson

sells olive oil now. Really? As an example. another celebrity and his sauce yeah i because i haven't really heard of many sauce celebrities action bronson is a really natural fit though that makes sense yeah yeah i support that idea well you could start a sauce and call it face that's delicious i feel like the mustache photo would work really good on a sauce too like the old lady for Frank's Red Hot like I feel like it's a good it's just like a good branding face yeah no I agree I totally agree I uh fucking I'm all about it dude just tell me how to invest you need to come up with you need to start you need to get you need to get in the lab like Eminem and

you need to start mixing it together and figuring out your ratio you know how to make honey mustard oh okay so if we're gonna make honey mustard I guess the first thing I think I'd well I would need mustard and mayo or not mayo honey right

mayo well wait mayo is in mustard? Isn't it? Do you cut? Do you use honey? I think there's mayo somewhere in the honey mustard. I don't know. But the fact that you got one of the two ingredients wrong is in the name. It's not.

It was a misstep. I'm looking at these Heinz balsamic things and they're making me think of mayo because that's what Conversation starts like you're making mayo mustard, and that's your soul no no no I get I think I'd go half and half Half a thing of honey half a thing of mustard, and then you just stir it I don't want to do any of that though once again. I'm not trying to make honey mustard I want an established honey mustard to then brand. You want something like so like Achievement Hunter has coffee, right? King's Coast coffee.

Exactly. And that guy Wayne, lovely dude, he flew down from New York with a bunch of different coffees and he says, pick out what you like. And you put two or three together and you go like this one, this one, this one. And he goes like, all right, cool. And you're like, and I like that. And he goes, no, you don't. And you're like, oh, I don't. And he's like, no, you don't like that. And you're like, okay. And then he puts it together and he goes, doesn't this taste good. And you're like, and I like that. And he goes, no, you don't. And you're like, oh, I don't? And he's like,

no, you don't like that. And you're like, okay. And then he puts it together and he goes, doesn't this taste good? And you're like, I helped. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I want. Andrew, you're right. It seems to be mayonnaise, honey, mustard, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper. So I nailed the top three ingredients and you're laughing at me.

Yeah, you did. I was laughing because it sounded like you were wrong when in fact, like a lot of the time, you were absolutely correct. That happens a lot. The ice cream thing I was right about. The ketchup thing is debatable.

My record is way better than it appears. I wonder... I know you don't want to do the hard work, but I bet... I bet there's somebody on your little giant island who has bees that you could get local honey from, and that could be your angle. Oh, I lost Jeff. I don't know if that's just me.

Did Jeff go again? I think Jeff's gone again. He's talking about bees. You guys can't hear me? Can you hear me now? No, no, no, you're back. You're talking about bees? No, I was saying that...

no i was saying uh that uh jeff why did you repeat the whole point no jeff hello you repeated the whole thing get a wire and run it just invent just run the wire out of the office i'm right out of the window everything is right jeff set up nick all right yeah nick jeff is on wi-fi because i'm right here his office still isn't done and it's about to be undone a little bit as well and he went on this whole rant about how like we drug out him having to talk about his office literally all that was said was are you on wi-Fi? And he exploded. What is going on? There was no lead-in.

There was no psychological techniques to bring this out of him. One question, are you on Wi-Fi? And then he fell apart. I believe Andrew. Are you a good chef? Are you good at cooking? Yeah, I'm actually,

I think I'm surprisingly good. I don't think you'd assume. What's your go-to dish that you, if you were trying to impress someone? I'm a big chicken Parmesan guy? Absolutely. Great chicken Parmesan. Yeah.

A lot of grilling. What about you? Are you a chef? No, I don't. Honestly, just not having a ton of time usually. I just cook really quick stuff. Stuff that takes less than an hour or like less than 40 minutes. A lot of pasta things.

And if I can eat it straight out of the pot I cooked it in, bonus washing oh yeah it's the absolute best yeah i had a sad i have a sad update about my cooking my cooking life my cooking life has changed gavin is it dreams have died it's waffle base it's not just waffle based it's everything based it's the waffle it's the the i guess closet dogs i've still been doing the closet dogs it's oh there i thought i thought you did closet dogs in order to not set off the fire detector yeah but once i established that the closet worked it became the home of the dog maker so i guess it's closet dogs i wanted desk dogs so it's just the closet dog machine do you have like a little

table in there or something or are you just doing this on the floor um it's the floor it's just you got a nice you get in your closet you close the doors you hunch over the floor toaster and you make your dogs uh i lift the toaster up i don't hunch i feel like saying that i hunch to put the dogs in is uh it's a worse image. I lift the machine. You're holding the toaster. I elevate the toaster to put the dogs in, then I put it down. Hello? Then we get the dogs cooking. Hey, what's up, Jeff?

Where did you guys go? What do you mean? Where did you go? I don't know. I ran to try to... The 25-foot cable's not long enough, unfortunately. But I tried. Man, I don't know what kind of episode this is what i was trying to say is surely there's something back to the bees there's somebody on your island who makes bee who has bees and makes honey and then like if you know an old

canadian mustard recipe i don't know if you guys are famous for your mustards you can probably i think if you put a little a little bit of work into it, it would pay off huge dividends. Here's the problem, because I love what you're saying, Jeff. I've even considered getting into making my own honey. I've thought about it. I've looked into what I would need. Selling, you can't sell sauces

that you make in your own home. So it's the selling is the problem. Why not? Well, make it in somebody else's home. Well, no, I think it's a whole thing and then you need to send the recipe off for approval for like them to do calorie analysis or something what if it seemed like a lot of busy no it can't be secret then like how am i going to sell you can't produce it in your home you can't produce it and sell it this was a u.s article it

said certain states will allow it within small amounts but generally no you cannot sell something that you produced in your own home from my understanding of one search is that because you'd technically be naked in the same room or the same place that you're making your sauce i don't think that's the consideration no what if you what if you live in a mustard factory that's a great point i don't know you should ask them jeff yeah I'm not setting the rules. All right, I got you. You want to do little effort. As little effort and as much reward as possible. I looked at maximum effort, though.

Just for the record. I did look into making my own sauce. There's laws preventing that from being a thing. Is syrup technically a sauce? I think so. That was the conversation I had yesterday. Syrup, absolutely a condiment. I think if you can get it at a fast food place in like a container, you're good.

Or a packet. That's definitely a condiment. If somebody can come up to you and ask if they can have it off of your table because they need it, it's a condiment. Absolutely. And not all condiments apply to that, but if is that it's absolutely a condiment so if you're unsure it's an easy rule of thumb it's a condiment what about peanut butter peanut butter is a condiment wait it's a main ingredient no you would call peanut butter an ingredient more than a condiment it's not called a jelly sandwich do you want to throw some peanut butter on it as a

condiment it's it's at the number one in the title peanut butter and yeah but i don't start a peanut but a sandwich with the peanut butter it goes on top of the the bread the bread is the constant that's like saying the bread is the constant in a ham sandwich ham's not a condiment so the ham is the condiment no i don't think... That's actually interesting. It is a weird line of like, is a spread a condiment? I think it's situational, right? Like if you go to a Denny's and there's breakfast there

and they have those little packets of grape jelly, that's a condiment. But if you're going to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich where it's one of the two ingredients mentioned and it is the star, then it's no longer in the realm of condiment. It is the main attraction. Can you get a ham spread?

No, I don't think so. Yeah, it's called spam. You absolutely can. Spam. What about pate? That would be... Yeah. We're back in the ham zone. When did we turn into a... Oh, yeah, we're back in the ham zone. When did we turn into a food podcast? When your internet broke

and you're running back and forth and you're not here for 80% of the episode. Somewhere in that space. So glad that happened. By the way, out of the blue, I mean, I recorded for over an hour with Achievement Hunter this morning. No problems whatsoever.

Totally fine. You can't say out of the blue when you have technical difficulties every recording day of your life. I didn't have technical difficulties last week when we recorded. Did you not? No. Is that an exception?

You did. No, I didn't. I didn't have technical difficulties. I had to do a thing which then put me back because Nick wanted me to record a test. I had no technical difficulties. I do think jelly and peanut butter would be a spread. Yeah. Which would then make it a condiment. I do think jelly and peanut butter would be a spread. Yeah. Which would then make it a condiment.

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I have. I have planned it. I have planned it. I'm going to need some more time. I'm going to need some more time for the ankle. A little ambitious. What percent on the ankle are we at? You were at 90% last week.

What are you at now? I felt I was at 90% and then I went on like my first at kind of distance walk and it wasn't far and I was limping on the way back wasn't great I'm gonna need more time a few more weeks I'm telling you you're gonna need months and you need you need to have surgery or something no no no no

it's gonna be fine I was talking about we kind of went off course because Jeff came back left Jeff my waffle days are done. Why? My morning waffle, my desk dogs. It has come to a sad end. I didn't see this coming.

I mean, I guess I should have considered it. The electrical cost of making waffles and dogs every day is a lot. Really? Yeah, I got the first electric bill since this operation. It put me in a different tier. I'm not that much over. I think I'm borderline because I have a million things

plugged in, but it was more expensive than before. I have to retire. I need to use less power. Surely you're heating because it's winter. It's getting colder. No, no, no, no. I'm not a heating guy. I'm not a heating guy. I don't use less power. It's surely you're heating because it's winter. It's getting colder. No, no, no, no I'm not a heating guy. I don't I'm not a heating guy. I don't use heat Oh, right. You like to have your feet get cold with the open window. Yeah, I'm a cold guy. I don't need the heat

It's not a heating thing. That's the only thing I can think of I've been cooking waffles and hot dogs Like it's a fucking that can't be it. That's such a short amount of time every day They're constantly plugged in though waffle Waffle maker not. The dog. I agree with Gavin. I don't know. I wouldn't throw in the towel yet if I were you. A, I think Gavin's right. I think that you're overstating the electrical draw, but if you're truly

committed to the convenience of waffles and hot dogs on your toilet and in your bed, why don't you just start unplugging shit you're not using? Yeah, make the savings somewhere else. Yeah, like just kill that phantom power and prioritize your power where it matters. I don't know what to cut.

That's the problem. Unplug your Xbox when it's not in use. Definitely unplug the waffle maker when you're not using it. Do I have to? Well, if I turn off the Xbox, it surely works, right? I mean, more than... Yeah.

I think it probably still draws a little power, but not... It's just... I got other devices coming in, too. I just... I think I need to put it behind me. I tell you what. You could probably, instead of having your fridge with a microphone in it, so the fridge door is leaking open the whole time, maybe you could not do that and then get back to

waffles. I fixed that. Okay. I fixed that. That's not a problem anymore. You busted out the window? The glass window in the fridge? No, no, no. I didn't bust it open. No, I just

attached it to an end table. So are you guys liking Cyberpunk? Are you enjoying playing it? So far, yeah. I mean, I'm not really that far into it. I have an opinion. I'm not that far into it. It is open world, right? I assume so. I just keep going from mission to mission, so I don't ever explore. But one gets the impression, and I don't have a map, so one gets the impression it's a big

game, but I can't really tell. I'm 90 minutes in. I feel like I've maybe played 15 minutes of actual gameplay. I think I'm at like 10% on the character thing. Okay. So how did you cheat on us? I'll tell you how I cheated, and I want you to know I feel real bad about it. I've been making podcasts for a very long time probably 12 15 years now however long we've been

doing them at the company uh the roosties podcast that was always i always viewed that as gus's podcast off topic i always viewed that as michael's uh i love to sit in on other podcasts here and there but i've never had like a podcast that i would consider to be like partially mine this one this one yeah all three of us so i've never had ownership over that I would consider to be partially mine. This one. This one, yeah. All three of us. So I've never had ownership over a podcast before. Not really. And so not only do I feel like I cheated on you guys,

I feel like I cheated on myself. And I feel really weird about that. But Gus and I, who's another asshole that we work with, we'd been talking about making some sort of a podcast together that's not his podcast and it's not our podcast. And so I went and he and I went to a coffee shop to be socially responsible and socially distant. And we set up a podcast set up

and we recorded in person next to each other. Well, a safe six feet apart, we recorded a podcast together. And it just, having never owned a podcast before, I never felt the pang of two-timing my own podcast. And I felt a little dirty, I have to admit. And so I'm sorry that I did a test podcast with someone that wasn't either of you. I don't want you to think I'm stepping out on you. But the thing that excited me is that it was so much fun to record in person. And we've never done that. Like every episode of this podcast

has been purely online. And no two of us even have been in the same room at the same time and recording. I mean, I haven't seen Andrew in real life for like four years. It's been a minute. Yeah. Not since he wouldn't get up for me to leave the party. Was that the last time? Yeah, probably. Might have been, yeah. I can't think of a time. That's a pretty long time ago. But, you know, in a post-vaccine world,

we'll be able to ideally at some point be in the same room and make this podcast together, at least on a rare occasion. And it's going to be really fun. It's totally different doing it in person. Really? In what way would you say the dynamic would change? I could look in your eyes. That is true. You can see reactions.

You know, you can see how dumbfounded Gavin looks. The moment things are good, say we're all vaccinated, we're all good, the second that happens, we should fly Andrew straight in, the moment he's able to. I think so. Because I thought, well, how would it be different? But the amount of times I'm throwing my hands in the moment he's able to i think so it would i because i thought like well how would it be different but the amount of times i'm throwing my hands in the air while one of you two are saying something it's constant yeah it's like an absurd statement yeah i honestly i picture you sat

in your chair completely motionless because i always think that you're worried that some sort of fire extinguisher will fall over on you fire extinguishers away i don't think i ever talked about the fire extinguisher is so sticky now i never want to touch it again i'm so glad we have a new setup it got drenched in soda it was a whole thing it was a disaster how did it get drenched i got myself a treat have you guys ever had canada dry cranberry ginger ale yes no it's fantastic it's good it's one of my favorites it's a really good ginger ale Canada Dry fantastic

ginger ale but I got it as a treat I got a plastic bottle I'm like I'm gonna enjoy this I opened it I had one sip I put it on my desk I dropped something and like all the cables flew off my desk and the Canada Dry went flying like the fucking greatest wide receiver of all time.

I caught it one handed midair while it was moving. And I was so proud of myself. I'm like, I saved the fucking soda. This is amazing. I didn't have the lid fully tightened. So then it just fizzed from the impact and the movement. And then hitting my hand,

it like shook the soda. It fizzed up. And for two seconds, I just stood there as it was like uh i don't even like a fountain like it was just shooting soda everywhere in a circular pattern um what are those things called on the on your ceiling fan no light that's water they shoot water for fires gavin you've made a video fire extinguisher sprinkler that's the word i was looking for are they called sprinklers if they're in the sky?

Yeah. What do you mean if they're in the sky? If they're on the roof, I feel like they have a different name. I feel like there's a fancier fire name. What, like a Sprunkler? Nah, exactly. A Sprunkler. I think it's a Sprinkler.

Anyway, it, like a Sprinkler, shot in all directions and I just just had to stand there and look at it as it happened. There's nothing I could do. I think there was probably a few things you could have done. No, in the moment, Jeff, this was like a bam-bam. It was a second and a half. There was no time to react. You just had to stare. I guess technically I could have twisted the cap,

but this was very quick, Jeff. You would not be prepared for this. Which way up were you storing this Canada Dry? It was up. It was a plastic bottle. It was not, that's a Heinz joke. I get it. I went with the label.

It went up. It went all over the fire extinguisher and then you didn't wipe it? No, no, it got everywhere. Can I just say as an aside, that was a pretty funny minute. Good job. Thanks. That was good actually, yeah. Yeah, it was a good minute.

It went everywhere, Gavin. So I'm not going to clean the fire extinguisheruisher it hit the fridge it coated the side of my body It went all over the floor the entire thing fizzed out of the bottle. I got one sip out of it That's it and now my fire extinguishers kind of purpley pinkish, and it's very sticky I never want to touch it It sounds like because I feel like you would have mentioned it otherwise it sound like all of that happened without you rolling your ankle No, yeah, I was in a chair i'm safe um my ankle is only at risk when laying in bed or making any other form of movement in a chair i'm secure what were we talking about though

how did we get here well we're a little bit talking about you coming here but i was worried that okay you'll get hurt yeah oh i definitely. I have gotten sick or hurt every trip but once to Austin. Every trip. Terrible colds, fevers, you name it, I've got it. If I don't hurt my ankle, I'm definitely going to get sick. And I'll probably get you too sick. Not in a serious way. At worst, fever.

You also have tremendous difficulty just getting here and back in general, don't you? Like, didn't you once have a a travel journey that door-to-door was like over a day yeah don't you have to take like a bus to a train to a cart yeah it's every swim a channel to yeah it's like winning running man just to get to the airport for me i have to get on a boat i have to travel it's a whole fucking experience it's not great it's a full day i spend a night at the airport whenever I travel to Austin. But I think you're just doing it wrong.

You must be able to fly from your nearest airport. Yeah, I don't. But that seems like work. I take the boat. The boat is fun. I cross the water. I get on a bus.

I then get on a train. And then I'm at the airport. But with the flights, there's not a lot of Austin flights. So unless I want to show up at Austin at like fucking 10 p.m. or midnight. That's fine. No, because you waste a whole day that way. I'd rather come earlier in the day.

So then I spend a night in the airport, catch a really early flight. And then I get to Austin like midday. Guys, should I tell like the worst Austin travel experience I ever had? Like the craziest one? You both know this. Yeah, please. I'm traveling and you always have to connect. So I'm going from Vancouver.

Typically, I connect in Arizona, sometimes Denver, mainly Arizona. So we connect. And when you're on a plane, there is no maybe not even plane specific. Generally speaking, there is no greater joy than not having the seat next to you take and you're going on a flight. It's fantastic. It's such a great feeling just to have that extra space. The seats are so it's just uncomfortable. Flying is so uncomfortable. Having that space is great. So I'm on the plane to Arizona and nobody's sitting next to me. And I'm so excited. And I'm doing the thing where I'm

looking at every single person boarding the flight. And just as they walk by me, I get more and more excited. And I see this one guy. I'm a big guy. And this the flight, and just as they walk by me, I get more and more excited. And I see this one guy. I'm a big guy, and this guy was a big guy. He was very John Goodman-esque in appearance. He's wearing this white shirt that's just covered in dirt. Just dirt all over it.

Like he had just killed somebody, buried the body, and is now fleeing to go to a different state. That's the kind of dirt it was. Yeah, that's what it looked like. Like a Breaking Bad scenario dirt. It just seemed like there was a crime attached to that dirt.

And plus the size. I just thought, please don't sit next to me. Anyone else but you. And he sits next to me. He's a really nice guy. He says he's a roof... I mean, you don't know anything to be true when you're talking to someone on a plane.

There's no proof. But he claimed that he worked in the roofing industry. Seemed like a really sweet guy. He says he's a roof. I mean, you don't know anything to be true when you're talking to someone on a plane. There's no proof. But he claimed that he worked in like the roofing industry, seemed like a really sweet guy. We're flying. We're doing basic plane small talk. And like in the middle of the flight, he's like, oh, I wonder what that movie is. And I used to do this movie league where like I'd get my friends together. We'd have a fake auction over the summer and whoever had the most money would win for the movies they pick. So I could call out essentially any movie at that time. And I'm like, oh, it's that movie. And he was blown away by this. And I said, well, yeah, I used to do this movie league thing. And he's like, well, was there money involved? And I said, no. And he's like, oh, so then you're

just a massive dork. It's like, OK. He's like, oh, I guess I don't need to kill you for your money. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, we continue our small talk. We're about to get to Austin. I'm so excited. I have people that are going to pick me up from the airport. And then we divert. The plane immediately adjusts. And the pilot comes on and says, there is a lightning storm that is currently only happening above the airport. It just hit the airport.

We're going to Houston. We have to land the plane in Houston now. We'll figure out flights later. I've never experienced this. I don't know how this process works at all. I was on a really tight budget. I didn't understand how they'd create a new flight from Houston to Austin for everybody technically that was on the plane. I just didn't know how that would work. So the guy sitting next to me, I'll call him Evan. Evan says, I might just get a car and drive. No, where do we it was San Antonio. We were getting diverted to San Antonio. He said, I might just get a car and drive no where do we it was San Antonio we were getting diverted San Antonio he

said I might just get a car and drive to San Antonio if you want to come you can I thought that was a ridiculous request but then I'm thinking more and more about it we land and we get out and I decide I'm just going to start following Evan because I'm on a budget I don't know how the plane thing works and then he goes to the bathroom and it's one of those moments where you can decide i can either walk away and just try to figure this out or if i stay here i'm now committed to evan for wherever this goes and i thought about it and i decided to stay evan booked the car and we walked and he got like the last vehicle except they kind of said a different name

than what he said on the plane so then i started getting paranoid that i actually don't know anything about this person i've never met them before on the plane, so then I started getting paranoid that I actually don't know anything about this person. I've never met them before on this plane. Now we're best buds. And he's got that crime dirt all over him. He's got the crime dirt, and he looks like John Goodman, who is one of, his personality is John Goodman-ish too, which is the scariest personality to deal with, because he can be a psychotic killer while also being extremely warm. I've seen that range from John Goodman. So applying it to this person was terrifying. On top of the fact, I've never been to San Antonio

and I don't have a cell phone. I have a cell phone, but I don't know how, like, I'm scared that I'm going to get overage charges because it's a whole like roaming. You're in Houston trying to get to Austin, but you're going to San Antonio. No, no, no. Sorry. I misspoke earlier with Houston. We got diverted to San Antonio to go to Austin. So I'm in San Antonio with Evan, this guy I met on the flight. And we just had basic small talk. And now we're going on a road trip together.

And so I follow him. We get a car. He lets me go. I don't have to pay for anything. But now I'm in a car with this 60-year-old guy who works in the roofing industry named Evan. I've got nothing in common with him. And we're going from San Antonio to Austin a trip I've never done before so I'm kind of scared. I'm gonna get killed and I have no phone so like if something happens

I've got no way to call it. I have no way to know if we're going is the right way So it becomes this whole process And it's the weirdest thing of like we elevate from small talk on the plane to now we're having real talk about like his family dynamics and how things are tough at home and like what his son is doing and that they just had a loss in their family and that

his kid is an alcoholic and they're going through that process and it gets really heavy I have a really heavy emotional talk with Evan on the way there. How old are you at this point? I am. How old am I?

I'm maybe 20. I'm like 20 or 21. So I'm wondering, do you have the wisdom that he's after here with this conversation? I think based on everything on this podcast, the answer would be absolutely not. But I'm really good at listening. I'm good at listening i was listening i was just hearing it like i was just being very generally supportive but this is a guy i met on an airplane an hour and a half ago and now we're in a car together from san antonio to austin maybe like hopefully i don't know actually where we're going and that's

what like an hour and a half journey yeah it's a 90 minute i well yeah i heard it was 90 minutes but i have no idea i've never gone this route before so me and evan are just talking back and forth and then i talk about like stuff that's happening in my life i think there's kind of a weird freedom and an understanding of we're never going to interact with each other again so there is an ability to say kind of whatever you want to and there's no repercussion it felt like a very strange like indie coming of age movie with this 20 year old and this 60 year old with nothing in common making this road trip.

I then get scared, though, because his phone rings and he takes the phone off the thing like he's using it for a map quest. And then he just stops using it, which made me uncomfortable. And he's talking for a little bit. And then he's like, hey, I'm going to put us on speaker. It was his wife and his wife had the most thick like comedically thick southern accent and he explained the scenario to her and she's just like you're the nicest guy ever i know that wasn't southern accent i'm not

gonna try it'd be atrocious if i did try it's just very loud i really wish you would try it's no it's gonna be bad this is once again like the minute thing. There's too much pressure I can't do it, but it was a comedically thick like if almost someone was doing a shitty impersonation I should have just done it That's how thick it was and it just turned into now this scenario if I'm talking to Evan and his wife It's just about life, and I'm just trying to go to a convention in Texas This is not this is a complete detour and it's a 90 minute trip and it was wonderful. Definitely a moment where you're like,

how did I end up at this point in my life? Yeah, like in the first episode of F*** Face, we talked, well, I guess I went with, like I had to go with him. That wasn't a thing I needed to do, but none of this was like forced by me. It just kind of all happened. I just followed the path until the destination.

I'll be honest. In a million years, I never would have made that decision. I never would have gone with the guy. I've done the exact same thing, but on a much longer drive when I was in the army. Really? It was brutal. Yeah. I've been in your position, Andrew.

I'll tell the story sometime. I don't feel like telling it right now. the story sometime i don't feel like telling it right now but i went from el paso to fort hood with a newly married couple who was fighting with a newborn baby who had been on a plane for like 24 hours straight and the baby screamed for the i don't know nine hours we were in the car maybe uh the entire time yeah and they they they asked me to hold it for a while because they were fed up with it. They didn't know what else to try. So I had to hold some strange baby for a while. It was...

You sound sad just talking. I can't tell if this is the feet of your cable. That put you in a dark place. Yeah, you were really down to that. I'm all discombobulated from earlier, all the fucking tragedy of the first 30 minutes of this podcast. That was a great 30 minutes. Then I've been working up the courage

to talk about this thing that is creeping me out and then Andrew forced me to remember a memory of the time that I went AWOL from the army for like four days and it was a whole thing. And I just hadn't thought about that since like in probably 15 years.

So I'll need to collect my thoughts on that story and I'll tell it next time. What was creeping you out? Is that a story for next time? Yeah. What was creeping me out? Didn't you...

Oh, is that the same thing? No, the thing that I want to talk about, but I've been struggling with this thing for a while. I don't know if we want to get into it now or if we want to wait for more technical problems or... I think that's for you

to decide, Jeff. I don't know how to... Alright. This is something that's been bothering me for years, okay? Okay. I say that. And I swear to you that this is with 100% honesty and transparency that I'm telling you these things.

And I'm being very vulnerable to you uh to my two of my closest friends right now and i'd like you to take that into consideration as you mock me before we laugh no do you know time out i fucking said last episode that i didn't know what years my teenage years were what podcast do you think you're on that you need to do this whole like we need to be careful if i say something stupid well no i just how about this would you think it would be weird if you were to wake up every day of your life for i don't know let's say three years maybe longer and next to your desk there was a coin like let's say a quarter just a bog standard quarter uh

in or a loony or whatever the fuck they call it in canada and uh you the first thing you did when you got up every day was you picked up that coin and you flipped it and you called heads or tails and every day for let's just say three years it was tails 100 of the time never heads ever and you you you started to get freaked out by it so you would you like put a different quarter down and you threw the other quarter away. And that it was still tails every, every day. So you got a nickel and you tried that and it's still tails.

So you take it outside and you throw it up in the air and you let it hit the ground. Still tails, everything that you can do. The coring still flips tails every day of your life. That's been happening to me with socks. What? What? Okay. I was, I was about to make a Harvey Dent joke and then you switched it to socks

I don't know how that even applies. I I was so excited about this point story. I Was riveted. I'm just trying to make it make sense. No no timeout for a second Have you not been flipping a coin every day of your life? Metaphorically, I have. What the fuck? What do you mean? I was imagining you in your backyard throwing a coin. That's the picture I want you to have.

I want you to understand, Andrew, my frustration and my concern and my fear. I'm trying to make it relatable to you because it's such a weird thing I'm about to explain to you. What the fuck? Okay, so let's hear. And before you say it, you're going to come up with lots of ways that I can test this, and I'm going to tell you I have an answer for every one of them. Okay. All right. It's been every day of my fucking life.

What was that? Every day I get up. Been doing the same with socks. My girlfriend doesn't even know about this. I've never even mentioned it to her, and I live with it. I suffer in silence. I can't imagine how that applies. You're the only people I've ever spoken to about this.

Every year, guys, 900,000 days in a row, maybe, of my life. I am at a point in my life where every pair of socks I own has an L or an R on the toe. Right? You know how you get a pair of nice socks. And like, you know, Gavin, you remember the whole sock revolution we had at Achievement 100 years ago and I bought you guys all nice socks. Well, if you look at your nice socks,

if you have any pairs of nice socks, socks now, they have a left sock and a right sock. And they'll tell you, right by the big toe, there's an L and right by the other big toe, there's an L, and right by the other big toe, there's an R. Meaning that the L sock is obviously for your left foot. It's probably designed that way to be ergonomic and

hug and comfort your foot, right? And then the other sock, same thing. Obviously. Just makes sense. However, what happens to me is every day when I get up and i i go through the same routine and then i sit down and i pick up i'm left-handed right i sit down on my sofa or wherever and i go to pick up a sock and i i instinctively pick up and to put a sock on my right foot i fucking hate

this i pick up every single time the left sock. Why did you do the coin story? Because it's the same thing. I've got a 50-50 shot of getting the left or the right sock. Why is it only the left sock every time? I fold them differently. I mess them up. I can't not pick the left sock. Why tell the coin thing?

It's the same story. You just changed coin thing? It's the same story. You just changed the item. You told the same story twice. Like we couldn't comprehend the sock thing without the coin thing. I wasn't sure you could. I was trying to come up with an analogy. You're explaining a 50% probability. You're getting bogged down in the coin thing.

Well, because you brought it up. Help me fix my problem. It was a great story. My point is, I think I'm living in a simulation. And every day at this moment, something sinks or reboots, and I'm getting stuck with the goddamn left sock on my right foot.

And I've done everything I can think of to do it. I've laid the socks out the night before, and somehow I still end up with the left sock. And I always forget, right? Like, I'm never like, I even think, like, one time, I've even left myself notes on my nightstand, don't forget the sock thing. And what invariably happens is, I'll get up and I'll go through the motions, and the next thing I know, I'm just sitting down with my left sock and my right foot.

Every time. I can't see it coming. I can't predict it. I can't, I can't, I'm powerless to stop it. I've even, I've even gone through periods where I'm like, fuck it. I'm just going to tell the universe. I like it that way. I'm going to put my left sock on my right foot.

And I've done it. I've done it for months. Just despite the universe. Just despite. And the universe doesn't care. It doesn't, there's no trick in it. It's still, and I hate it. And I'm lying to myself.

I have a brief side question. What age did you start sitting down to put your socks on? Oh, I'm lazy, dude. Probably like 15. To me, that's like an old dude thing. That's fine. Yeah. What do you stand up and put your socks on?

Yeah, but I don't have fancy L&Rs. You probably have more L&Rs on your socks than you would realize. Oh, maybe. No, I just stand with one sock in both hands. I just shove my foot down it and I do the same again. Once you become aware that there are sides to your socks, it's going to fuck with you. I even, like, this morning, I was in the shower and I was taking a shower and I looked down and I was like, I saw my feet and I went, oh, fuck, I haven't done my socks yet.

I'm going to fucking think about it. And I'm like, no, but I always forget. Like, the universe always fucks with me and it makes me forget. So I thought, like, I'm going to go through and I'm going to fucking think about it. And I'm like, no, but I always forget. Like the universe always fucks with me and it makes me forget. So I thought like, I'm going to go through and I'm going to visualize everything I'm about to do until I get to the socks. Right. And then I'm going to force myself to pick the right sock. And so I'm in the shower and I'm like, I'm going to finish showering. And then I'm going to towel off and there's my towel right there. And then I'm going to get the blow dryer and I'm going to blow dry my hair and my balls and my butt. I'm going to blow dry my shins and my underarms. And then fucking there's arrows

barking. So I need to,, I gotta let her out of the crate or she's gonna piss the fucking crate, which reminds me, I need to clean the her, her, her, her pad again because her butthole's been smelling bad lately and oh my god! I'm already, I've already got the left sock in my hand and my right foot out! How did this

happen? It just fucking, it just comes out of nowhere every day, and I don't know what to do about it, and I can't pick up the right sock why don't you try picking the socks up from the other side i've done that i've even folded them different the point is there's a blank space in my mind where somewhere between before i get to the socks and somewhere into the moment of realization where i am powerless i'm i'm like on autopilot and i can't affect that moment in time until it's too late. It's like the beginning of Prey. I think you're just living the same day over and over again and they're just resetting things.

It feels like it. It fucking feels like it and it manifests itself in my feet every single day of my life and I wish to God I didn't even have socks with L's and R's but I do. Here's what we'll do. I'm gonna buy you some gloves. We'll see what happens with those.

All right. Then I got to put on gloves every day? Where are the L's and the R's on the socks? I went to get my socks while you were talking. I'm looking. I have two socks right now. I have no fancy socks. Do they have to?

Like, why are you? Here, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm going to send you a picture. Because see what I did? The greatest sock thing I've ever done? I gave away all my socks, and then I just bought all of the same pair. One of the best moves I've ever made. Well, they all like white socks. No, they're all like black socks. It's like I never like I always they always match. I'm never missing a sock. I put no thought into it. I just grab my socks. I've said some absurd things on this podcast. I think Jeff's

coin thing is the craziest moment that has ever happened. Why do you say that? Because it was so unnecessary and I was so much more invested in your coin. Do you know how weird it is to try to fucking explain this weird sock thing? I thought it was a little hard to wrap your head around. I was trying to cushion the blow. No, it's not. It's 50-50. You have a left sock and a right sock and you keep getting the- Gavin, how do you feel? Are you as outraged at Andrew that I told the coin flip thing? I'm with him in that we absolutely would have understood.

Oh, is that a picture of your sock? Yeah, see there's the L? You actually have an L. Oh, it's there. I was thinking it'd be on the toe. It moves around. It varies from sock to sock. I was thinking ankle. It moves around. Wherever the company that produced that sock puts it. Eric said it's on the wrong foot.

That's his left foot, Eric. It's on the right foot now because I fucking fixed it. But this morning, I tried to put that sock on my right foot, and there was nothing I could do about it. Eric said that looks wrong. Eric, what the hell does your foot look like? Do you have a big toe on the outside? No.

I agree with Eric. The L shouldn't look that way. The L should be pointed at you in the photo. In the photo, the L is like a bad T. There's something about it that just looking at it looks like you... I understand what you're saying. It's L and it's left foot. I get it.

But there's something about the way that it looks that looks like you did it wrong. Yeah. You said it's on the wrong foot. It's not on the wrong foot. I'm looking at it in my knee-jerk reaction. If I didn't see the L, I would go, that sock's not on the right foot. Yeah, but socks are upside down when you wear them. What? Is this the Rooster Teeth podcast?

What the fuck did you just say? Like, when you're looking at socks, you hold them like opening at the top. But when you wear them, you look at your toe and that's... What? Oh, thanks for... What are you saying? Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna send one more photo. Just so you can see.

Yeah, go ahead. Send another one. I still have one brief thing I really need to talk about. We're so over time. Yeah, it's really quick. Eric, you know. I gotta mention this. You know. You know what this is. Go for it. Go for it. They don't know what it is. We have an amazing quick. Eric, you know. I gotta mention this. You know. You know what this is. Yeah, no, no, go for it. Go for it.

They don't know what it is. We have an amazing community. Oh, boy. That is absurdly creative and thoughtful. And they've been working. The people on the Discord, some of the people on the Discord, have been working on a project for weeks, top secret. I have a very small role in it.

Eric has a really small role in it. It's really, it was their creation. It's so impressive. They made a f*** role in it. Eric has a really small role in it. It's really, it was their creation. It's so impressive. They made a f*** face Christmas album. Like a legit Christmas album. They like changed lyrics around. They got their own music. They had their own recordings. I'm loading up my desktop to

post the album art because it takes f***ing forever because I'm on a slow machine. And it's not going to be here because nothing ever works the way I want. But they made an entire f***ing Christmas album. It's absurd. 12 songs songs is this the last episode before christmas no no there'd be one yeah it is this would come out december 23rd i think okay i don't know if eric can back me on that is that right eric yes nick says yes so this would be the christmas episode here it is here is the the album art and then i'll post post something obviously can't really listen

to it right now but just we're sharing it's amazing what they did they made a fucking infomercial for it it's fantastic it's like a whole fucking christmas thing i just felt like it was worth mentioning the face discord orchestra yes that looks awesome and i'm excited to to hear it uh but what i want to know there's a better picture of my feet, by the way. You can see the L and the R. Some people will be very excited about that. See, that's upside down now.

What I want to know is how do I fix this fucking, like, am I living in a simulation? Is this the matrix? Or B, how the fuck do I get past this? Because it's destroying me mentally. Throw away all the left and right socks and get some universal any foot goes pairs of socks.

Yeah, they made 12 fucking socks. Fucking 12? Your sock thing is fine, Jeff. Like, who cares if you got the left and the right? It's bothering me. Yeah, I mean, I think it would be, I just think it would be more interesting if you did flip that coin and it always came up tails. It would be way more interesting.

I'm doing it. It's the same thing. I'm coming up left every time. Thank you for using the analogy as it was intended though, Eric. I can tell that my lesson worked with you. What do you mean? I bet you're subconsciously looking and glancing at the left. I'm not.

I'm desperate not to do it. And left always comes before right. So you're just grabbing that one. Oftentimes I can't even see the L or the R. I just pick it up randomly and I go, surely this can't be the... Nope, it's the fucking left. Do you think Emily is sabotaging you? Somehow? How could she control that? I don't think she's that detail-oriented.

I thought maybe she had witch powers or something. Oh, yeah. I think it's more, I think it's more science-y than that. But I think, I just think that it's a long, a long con. I mean, this has been going on for years

and I just don't think that she would stick through it that long. Where a couple of dipshits is a Christmas song? They like, they parodied it. They're all related to the show in some way. We should end this before this becomes the new longest. It already is, but it's fine. You gotta cut out the first hour because fucking...

No, I think it was really good. We had updates. Yeah. Jeff, you weren't here for it. You couldn't hear me. I was saying it was like a choose-your-own-adventure. I was not talking when your thing would light up. It was a whole thing.

Oh, I heard some of that. Yeah, yeah. No, he could hear you. Wait, he could hear me? I could hear you fine. That's interesting. I thought we couldn't hear each other at all. I thought it was two ways.

I misunderstood that. Yeah, because he was responding to you. Oh, that's less interesting. I'm going to, all right, well, I'm excited to listen to these Christmas songs and what an amazing community and all that, but I'm going to fucking get up tomorrow morning and I'm going to take a shower and I'm going to get ready and I'm going to put my socks on and my shoes on and I'm going to grab my left fucking sock from my right foot and I'm going to be, I'm going to feel like you guys are bad friends because you did nothing to help.

You talked about it. So now tomorrow you grab the right sock. It's like you broke the curse. If that happens, I'll I'll fucking I'll do fucking backflips. Put a GoPro on your head. I want to see the footage and I want to see how real this is. Yes. And don't give any context like just for a week just please do this don't explain

why you're doing it and be as irate as you are yeah every day on Instagram let's have a video of you putting on socks I'll try to remember I'll put it on my phone what do you mean to remember tomorrow I'll put it on my phone start tomorrow he'll be sat there with his right sock in his left hand thinking damn it I forgot again. Sock thing. Sock thing. All right, all right, all right, all right.

All right, okay, cool. So you said Eric is on this Christmas album? Yes, he has a small part. What did you do, Eric? I think you have to listen to the whole album to find out. That's a great point. Did you perform an instrument? I did not. What did you do, Andrew?

I did some singing. I did a very brief amount of singing guys let's get doc again i have an important question for eric because eric likes to yell and he wants this to end but this is i meant to bring this up earlier do we continue to call it the sewing machine or do we now call it are you fucking kidding me thank you for listening to face we'll see you guys later. Thanks for listening. Give us a five-star rating, leave a review, and listen to the next episode. Merry Christmas, ho ho ho from everyone here at F*** Face, and we'll see you

next time. We're not talking about the sewing machine or the icky shuffle. No. Goodbye. And P.S., we're living in a simulation. Open your eyes. Look for the seams. They're visible everywhere pay attention