Regulation Podcast - Too Spicy Icey // It's Hard to Listen When You're Talking [71]

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Geoff's Survivor watch party, there's (football) magic in the air, and ""let the milk from our cows, soote your anus ows!"" Want to contribute to bits? Email what you can do to [e-mail] Sponsored by HelloTushy (http://hellotushy.com/face), ExpressVPN (http://expressvpn.com/face), and HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/face14 and use code face14). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face Podcast Starring Jeff Ramsey, Gavin Free, and Andrew Patton In no particular order in the comedy triangle I was gonna say, to start this there's if there's one thing two things that i've noticed that the audience has is polarized about uh and by polarized i mean that a percentage of them fucking hate when we do it it's a lot of people don't like when we talk about sports too much and a lot of people don't like when we talk about survivor too much so before

we go into survivor talk maybe we should keep it brief yeah no i agree with that did you see there was a i thought you were gonna say before we go into survivor talk let's get into some sports i have both things on my notes talking about both things substantial update also can't be brief i enjoy that there was a subreddit thread about i was really it was the most conflicted it was like I really like when they talk about sports they should talk about sports more and then all the comments were as people debating whether they like the sports talk or not so somebody who really liked it people upvoting it for either visibility or they agreed with it and then all the comments of people being either not enjoying it or debating the value of it. I will say when it comes to sports stuff,

I find that we are mostly only drawn to silly fun. Oh, absolutely. I'm never just going to talk about the box score of a game and how some of the season is going. It's the weird angles of it. Like you said, the things that make me laugh are the things I enjoy. So speaking of the silly angles of it,

if we're going to talk about Survivor, Gavin, maybe we should talk about the events things that make me laugh are the things i enjoy so speaking of the the silly angles of it uh if we're going to talk about survivor gavin maybe we should talk about the events leading up to survivor and then the hiccup in well that's more interesting than survivor because talking about actual survivor is boring boring for anyone who's not seen it yeah but you you offered to have a little survivor watch party at your house yeah and so you so you and Meg were like, dude, absolutely. We'll come over. And I was excited. Very, very excited.

I don't think we've had anybody over to the house in months. And so we set to Survivors at 7. You guys were going to pick up some pizza on the way over. And at 4 o'clock, I left my house to go run some errands, and I walked back in my house at five o'clock, and something felt different. You know like when you walk into a room and something's changed,

but you don't know what it is immediately? It took me from the front of my house until my bedroom. Like in the Matrix. Until I realized, oh, the power's out. The thing that's different is it's a little dark, and I can't hear the air conditioning humming.

And I go, what the fuck? And then Emily walks in the room. She goes, power's out. And I go, oh, what? And so I go to my phone to look up the city of Austin outage map, and I have a text from the city of Austin that says, hey, your power's out, just FYI. Don't worry. We have a text from the city of Austin that says hey uh your power's out just FYI don't worry we have a crew dispatch to fix it the estimated repair time is 7 03 p.m survivor comes on at 7

p.m so I text Gavin and Meg and I'm like I I can't believe that this is a thing but i of all like i know we just made plans two hours ago to hang out but uh somehow in the last two hours my power went out and i and by the way the only only place in austin that the power's out i made a video of it yeah that's what i was gonna say usually when you look at the outage map it's like number of customers affected 7 000 because usually like a big chunk of the grid has got out it was like number of customers affected 16 i took the video i mean obviously i can't show the video because it shows some identifying information but i made a little video of them where it zooms out and you can see all of austin has power you continue and continue to zoom in till you get to my like my little neighborhood uh so then gab was like well i guess we'll fucking come over to our house and meg is like yeah uh

you guys pick up the pizza now and so i'm like oh fuck that's okay yeah i feel bad but yeah okay so as i'm and she was like i tell you what we'll check in in like 30 minutes and and we'll see if your power is still out and she texts me at like six and is like, hey, we're supposed to pick up the pizza in like 15 minutes or something. Should we switch it over to your name? And I'm typing. Yeah, I looked outside. There's no there's no repair crew in sight. There's no way in hell the power's coming back on.

And as I was typing that, the power kicked on all the lights turned on and i just deleted that and said we're good come on over and then we're we're we make it all the way through survivor and we get to the fucking tribal council oh no and we're watching live on hulu live right that's what I have. And it just turns off. It just goes, yeah, we can't play this right now. Yeah, power was still on, but Hulu was just like, yeah, we're having problems.

Yeah, Hulu was like, nah, we're good. Oh, weird. And I was like, what? And I go to grab the controller and it clicks back on and we're fine. Oh. And then it does it again. And then we're fine.

And then it does it again. And then we're fine. And then it does it for a while. And Gavin and meg are looking at me like i fucking hate you we could have been watching this at home in our jammies comfy in our house with our 200 cats instead we drive all the way across town to your fucking ghetto and uh and now we're infected with all of your house problems where's your power doesn't. Now your goddamn TV won't play your goddamn show. And then I'm like, ah! So I switch over to the Hulu on the Xbox.

And that didn't work either. So then I'm like, ah! And as I'm about to throw in the towel and fucking just crawl into a hole, it kicked back on. It had recorded it, and we were able to finish watching it. We missed like 90% of that tribal.

Yeah, well, we missed a lot of the tribal council. Luckily, there were two in the episode. Yeah, we missed the second one that tribal but yeah well we missed a lot of the tribal council luckily there were two in the episode yeah we missed the second one most of it i also like that i watch i mean 99 of stuff i watch is on demand vod never live the last thing i watched live using live television was the uh euro finals and the time before that I think yeah I remember it too weird the time before that I think I was watching the 2018 World Cup final or something on live TV so I watched live TV maybe once or twice a year and this time it was just failing miserably what a turd but we got we got through it like well how hard is it to have a are you not blown away that it can't it's survivor like everyone's watching it is that why it goes down i don't know man have you ever had issues with hulu live going into this no not like that no great very very very rarely yeah i don't think so

have you ever had a watch party with hulu live no there we go i don't think yeah this is the weather thing it's the weather equivalent of your experience as soon as you and gavin organize the thing oh my god it can't rain in the house but it can just disconnect that's what happens yeah when we make an indoor plan the power and the internet goes the plans were it was you know i just realized we could we could go back a couple steps the the whole story is even a little bit funnier because like a month ago, Emily made a reservation for dinner for four.

And then she was like, we'll just invite Gavin and Meg or if they're not available, somebody else closer to the event and see if anybody wants to go to dinner with us. And I was like, that's a great idea. And so about a week ago, I texted Gavin. I was like, hey, do y'all want to go get dinner

Wednesday night? And Gavin's like, absolutely. So we all get ready to do it. And then the two days ago Gavin texted me and goes you realize we're going to dinner during the survivor uh airing and I was like ah Christ really and then so but it was like late at night and I Emily wasn't home from work yet and I was like well I don't know dude I get I don't know what we're. So I had to wait for Emily to get home and we talk it out. And then so we canceled the dinner plans yesterday morning. So and then pivoted to survivor plans also that the power could go out. Perfect.

Was it a place that you had to wait on a reservation for? Could you just rebook? How big? No, we could rebook. It wasn't. That wasn't a big. It wasn't a huge deal. OK, no, it wasn't a huge deal at all. uh same time next week yeah your house all right we'll see how it goes in

like you go tradesies yeah this is great it's like a second layer to the game for me just hearing how it failed for the two of you so you had an internet was it wasn't even internet outage it was an app outage and the power went. I think we should be very afraid of what will happen when we all have it. I will just have both my ankles rolled, but that's every day. I'll show up in a full body cast. Have you ever had a double ankle roll? I've never had a double ankle roll. No.

It doesn't need to happen at the same time, but you have a stack the other one's still sore and then you rolled the next yeah i have james khan and misery i absolutely have i've had things where i've hurt one ankle and then had the hobble on the other ankle and then hurt the other one so by the time the first one healed the second was still in pain yeah i've done the flip I've ankle flipped. I dated a girl briefly in the army who like three days after we started dating, she slipped and broke her leg and had to be in a full leg cast and wear

crutches and then she was in her room getting ready and fucking fell off the crutches and broke her arm and had to have a full arm cast. So she had a full arm cast on one side of her body and a full leg cast on the other. And then she dumped me.

So. Were you unsupportive of her? As far as I know, she's still in those casts. No, I was like, it was really nice. But I think she had other stuff on her mind. I'd also like to point out your phrasing. You said she was wearing crutches. Like they're a clothing accessory. Oh, I don't know, like using them, whatever. said she was wearing crutches like they're a clothing accessory

did I say wearing? like you pop on a pair of gloves I've been losing it with that stuff lately the other day somebody honked and we were in the car and I screamed I yelled don't bark at me and Emily was like what the fuck did you just say and I was like

don't honk at me and she was was like, no, you did not. And I was like, oh, man. And yeah, I don't know why I did that. But maybe early dementia, maybe. You did it in a face recently. You said you were like halfway through saying something. And then Andrew said a word. And then you ended your sentence with that word.

And no one noticed. I wish I had. I'll pull up the clip for next time because it made me laugh. I was like, did you mean to say that? Okay. It's from like two episodes ago. I didn't notice that either. I'd love to hear it.

Hey, so what is new with you guys, by the way? Can we talk? Speaking of things that nobody wants to hear, quickly cover the fact that there is magic in the air. We got some magic going. I'm feeling good about it. I don't think Gavin necessarily even knows about this. Oh's died the magic has begun but I wow I almost called you different fucking name I'm sorry I thought you got it could be brick I was

yeah it's gonna play brick well you had a million fucking nickname so it's not out of the question that I could just throw a wrong name out there and you were once called that rich child brick damn never brick it's a great duo um do you know somebody named brick i don't know anyone named brick that's the the borderlands guy is brick right the the what the big guy the like the the soldier class sure he's brick steve carell who is he in uh i can come in i yeah he's brick tannin i in the same way, the Chevy Chase thing, I fucked up Steve Carell's name for years. For years.

What are you calling him? Steve Carroll? Yeah, sure was. Years. Steve Carroll. Every time I'd say it. Nobody corrected me. But you got the Steve part right.

I got the Steve right. Yeah, I've never called him Brick Carroll, which would be a fantastic combination. Or Steve Carell. Yes. But the magic, Andy Dalton, ankle injury, knee bruise, something happened. He heard his leg. He's out.

Justin Fields is in. Justin Fields is starting. It's a big news. I needed that. I would say that in the three-way race for rookie of the year, I am in last place right now. Najee Harris is doing okay, but Gavin, your quarterback, Mac Jones, is doing very well,

and Andrew, it looks like Justin Fields, has green pastures ahead of him. So I'm a little nervous. Magic is on the field now. He wasn't there. He was coming in weird plays every now and then, but now he is starting. He has an opportunity to win the job.

This is either like the magic will carry forward. This is a lock to win or he will lose the job and the bet will be over by the midseason. I'll come dead last. But I believe in magic. Well, so I've been taking the idea that I'm going to let Najee do do the first couple weeks on his own. See what he's capable of before I intervene. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So I'm just kind of playing it fast and loose right now, but I don't want you to think it's because I'm not paying attention. I am. I'm just waiting for the right moment to strike. Oh, fair enough. I would also just recommend to anybody to get some magic in your life, generally speaking.

We can't have too much magic, though, on the same subject, surely. What do you mean? Because then it will be like that Quidditch match. much magic though on the same subject, surely? Well no, what do you mean? Well, cause then it will be like that Quidditch match. Everyone's fighting over the same broom. No! No, you just, you load up on- Are you saying like from the same source? I don't really understand your point.

There's no such thing as a cap of too much magic. Or is it like too powerful? Well if it's- No, like too much magic on the same subject. Why would that be an issue? Did we lose Gavin? Did we lose Gavin? Did we lose Gavin or did he just not reply?

Did you not hear me say? No. I heard you say too much magic on the same subject. Yeah, and we're quiet for a moment. Oh, subject.

Yeah, but I don't... Well, we interpolated that, yeah. Yeah, well, regardless of that, I would just recommend people... I don't know what you're trying to say and it's kind of in and out. We're going to move past it. You're wrong. Whatever you're trying to say. It's kind of in and out. We're going to move past it. You're wrong.

Whatever you're saying is wrong. It's just incorrect. But I would recommend having magic in your life, having some protection potions on you, whatever you need. Because I had a really shitty week. And I was like, oh, man, I guess this whole magic thing isn't working out.

This is a previous week. And then I realized it was probably heightened by the fact I had the magic. I wouldn't have wanted to go through that week without the magic. I probably would have been gorged by a bull or something as soon as I left the house. Yeah. If it wasn't for the magic. As long as you have magic, no matter how bad things are, you can say, oh, I'm glad about that magic. I'm thankful for that.

Gorged. Isn't gorged. Isn't that what you know? That's work. Yeah. That's what you get. G'm glad about that magic. I'm thankful for that Gorg, isn't gorge isn't that what you know that's work. Yeah, that's words you get gorge my ginko or gourd I think is what you're trying to say Gorgian isn't gorgian like stuffy your face. That's if you're it is you're right is that the wrong thing It is not stuffy fix. That would also be unpleasant. Not what I intended. I meant the stab mark, not the eat thing. Gourd. If you just get swallowed whole by a bull.

That would be terrible. God damn. If I was going to get killed by a bull, I'd want it to hit me with the horn and not be swallowed. I'd feel disrespected if I got eaten by a bull. Nobody gets eaten by a bull. I appreciate, Andrew, that you put it into perspective. Yeah. At first you thought, I had that you put it into perspective. Yeah. And that you, at first, you thought,

I had a shitty week and magic didn't help. And then you took another look at it and you said, no, wait a minute. Maybe the magic did help. It did. And it would have been that much worse. I had a similar event happen to me yesterday. I clued you guys into it a little bit.

Was it yesterday or the day before yesterday? It was two. And at first, I looked at it as a terrible, terrible event. But then, I was able to reframe it and see that there was a way to make lemonade out of that anal

lemon, and I'm really excited to share that with you guys right now. If you would so indulge me. I just want to say there's no magic in what you're about to do. Oh, I think that there is. Well, first off, the world has been asking, Jeff, we loved Beef Bracelet.

We loved it. It was the best. What are you going to follow up Beef Bracelet with? We want to know. We can't wait. And I'm like, it doesn't work that way. Inspiration has to strike, right? Sometimes it has to strike at your lowest, most painful, embarrassing moments.

Like, let me just say inspiration struck. And here's how. The other day, I was riding my bike. I got up. I've been riding my bike on a tear. Gavin, I went with you and Trevor the other day. We had a lot of fun riding bikes. Since then, I've averaged more than one bike ride a day.

The other day, I got up. I went for a 27 of fun riding bikes. Since then, I've averaged more than one bike ride a day. The other day I got up, I went for a 27 mile bike ride. First thing in the morning. Then I had a full day, had a great productive day at work. And then Emily, Millie's with her mom this week. And Emily was working late and I was kind of home alone and bored. And I thought, oh, I'm going to go for another bike ride because I feel pretty good. And I currently have like a gallons of Tiger Balm Ultra because my lower back has been hurting a bit. And so I've been slathering it on

lately. Something that also happens is that I'm aware of. And if you ride a lot of bikes, you'll understand this. If you ride your bike, I don't know, 50 miles in a day, it makes your butthole hurt. Like the seat of your butt, it makes your, like your, like where your butt, like your butt flap hurt, right? Yeah. And it makes it really sore. And so I thought, you know what? Before I get on this fucking bike, I'm going to big brain this.

I have all this Tiger Balm Ultra. I put it on my spine all night long to help me out there. I'm going to rub it on my butt cheeks so that they don't ever get sore. I've lost so much sympathy for your situation. This is not... Wait, it's the cheeks that hurt.

My butt cheeks, I'm getting there. So when you ride the bike too much, I was anticipating a butt cheek hurt. So I put the Tiger Balm on my butt cheeks. Then I hopped on the bike too much i was anticipating a butt cheek hurt so i put the tiger bomb on my butt cheeks then i hopped on my bike my butt was humming it was on fire in a good way you know what it's like i was loving it and so i started to pedal it and a pedal in and i'm having a great time and it's all you know it's austin and it's five in the evening which is like the hottest part of the day in aust Austin so it's like 118

or whatever and after about I don't know six or seven minutes I start to sweat and that's when all of the sweat on my body poured across my butt cheeks and then into my butthole

and with it it brought the furious pain of a thousand cuts into the into my anus wait i it must have been a half a gallon a tiger bomb in liquid form went right into my butthole this happened while you're riding it was while i was three miles three i rode it was well i'll tell you i did 22 miles that that ride so uh 22 and a half miles so uh because i did a an even 50 yeah so why is your alus not facing down though it's defying gravity i was like three minutes in or like three miles in when it started to hurt and then uh and and as you know with me uh i'm not going to stop the bike ride. When I wrecked that day in the ice, I didn't stop the bike ride.

I plugged the holes with mud and ice and I kept riding, right? So I was like, I can't turn around now. That would be admitting defeat. I'm just going to grin and fucking get through it. And I'm texting you guys while I'm riding and sharing my pain with you. And it just gets worse and worse. And then I didn't even tell you guys this part then something a realization hit me after everything kind of like it gets hot you know and like tingly and then it kind of goes numb then I realized what is what does icy hot do what does tiger balm do when it soothes your muscles, your sore, tense muscles? It releases them.

It makes them numb, and then it makes them not tense. And then I thought, I have numbed and unleashed. I've numbed and untenced my asshole. You got to plug that hole with mud, Jeff. Right after the shower incident. Right after the shower incident, where I shit. Which, by the way, Emily had so much fun telling you guys all the gross details last night. And then I'm sweating, so I'm just wet.

I'm just hot and wet everywhere. And I'm thinking, is my butthole leaking? Am I just leaking ass juice? Am I pooping as I ride? And I thought, I'm just not going to look down. I'm just not going to look down, and I'm just going to finish my ride, and I'll just figure it out when I get home. It's like the end of Die Hard 2, he like knocks the gas cap off the plane and then

lights on fire jeff's just leaving a shit trail on his bike i mean maybe i was maybe i wasn't i don't know and i rode all around town lake and i thought like well as long as no but like at least i'm looking at people eye to eye i don't get i don't have to see their reaction when they see behind me right and I'm riding fast. So it's like, I just got to get through this. And so I, you know. Were you trying to clench? Or is it the clench that you couldn't feel?

Or you don't know if you were allowed to clench? I couldn't feel. I couldn't feel. I didn't know if I was clenching or not. So you could have been clenching, but you just didn't know. Yeah, it's like when you sleep on your arm wrong and you wake up and you have no control over your arm for 45 seconds. That's what Icy Hot does to your butthole or in this case tiger bomb uh and so yeah i just didn't know my butthole was asleep like my ain't my ring was asleep

for you know it's two hours or however long i was on the bike ride uh it was about an hour the whole ride was about an hour and a half, so probably about an hour and 15 minutes. Maybe an hour and 10. Anyway, got home, and just so you guys know, I ran straight to the shower, and I was completely clean. Totally fine. And at some point, it stopped hurting,

and I'll also say, my butt cheeks never hurt the entire time. Like, that 50-mile bike ride, and I've been on two bike rides since then, butt cheeks never hurt the entire time. Like that 50 mile bike ride, and I've been on two bike rides since then, butt cheeks have been fine all week. So in the end, it worked. Now that's not my reframing. It clearly didn't work.

What do you mean it worked? Also, you said- My butt cheeks never hurt. You said you're perfectly clean. You had like a paste of sweat and tiger balm all over your head. Well, yeah. I mean, I had sweat. I rode a bike for two hours in the sun. Of course,

I didn't have shit on me. I didn't have poopies anywhere. I didn't have diarrhea. I didn't leave a trail of poop breadcrumbs like I did in the fucking hotel in Vegas. None of that. It was just that part was clean. But anyway, through the course of talking to you guys, and I was telling

you guys I needed relief. Andrew, you recommended I put milk in my butt because that's what you do with jalapenos, right? You drink milk. And that time that I got jalapenos on my dick, I stuck my dick in milk, and that did help. I think I told you that story once, or maybe it was on a different podcast. And I was like, yeah, but how am I going to put milk in my butthole and then you were like well you could take a milk bath and i was like dude i got another 20 miles of this bike ride to go i ain't gonna be doing that anytime soon and i also who's got enough milk who's got enough milk to fill a bathtub certainly not me uh so uh

but anyway in the course of that inspiration struck and i came up with what i think is and nick has heard none of this uh so this will I'll get him's unfiltered opinion which I'm really excited about I came up with an idea for a product I'm gonna I'm just gonna go ahead and without saying it I'm just gonna go and post the images I I've made uh I made uh I made uh a logo for it I'll do that one first no and then I made a logo for it. I'll do that one first. Oh, no. And then I made like a tagline. And I did some photography for it. And here's the product. How do I catch an image?

That's horrifying. Upload file. It looks like a prostate. Oh, you guys can see it. It icicled me. Okay, I present to you the Too Spicy Icy. This is an all-dairy product. What I have done is I took a turkey baster,

and I took the top off, and I filled the turkey baster. Well, I taped the bottom of it. Then I filled it with milk, pure milk. No! And then I stuck a stick in it and I froze it. And what I've created is a long cylindrical device I call the Too Spicy Icy.

If you have a sore butthole because maybe you ate spicy food last night. I know I do that all the time. Maybe you had some Memphis hot chicken or maybe you had some extra spicy jalapenos

on your nachos or maybe you rubbed Tiger Balm all up in your asshole. I know how to solve it. You can take this all-dairy product and shove it gently into you. It will cool you and has the added benefit of, think about this, what does milk do for you guys?

What does it do for you? Strengthens your bones. It builds strong bones and a healthy smile. What's the most important bone in your body? Your spine. What a fucking most important bone in your body? Your spine. What a fucking awesome way to get a calcium injection right up your spine.

It's going to make you stronger. It's going to take away your butt pain and it goes even better because here's the next image. Oh no. Here's the next image. Oh, I like this one. I'm really excited about this one.

From the fine folks at Uniform, let the milk from our cows soothe your anus owls. See, and there's a cow, there's a picture of a cow in the snow. This is great for a couple of reasons, right? That's a catchy slogan. Let the milk from our cows

soothe your anus owls. And we barely have talked about it, but as you know from Beef Bracelet, which is a subsidiary of F*** Face Industries, which is a subsidiary of Fluke Face, which is a subsidiary of a highly secretive, very rarely talked about, but often alluded to company called Uniform. Uniform. Combining the fabric of the farm with the power of one. Uniform. This is another perfect Unifarm product. We make the milk that we freeze

that you put in you. And because I had so much fun last time making the video for, you know, I made a spec video to show how we would promote and how beef braces would work. I made a little commercial for you guys. So I'm going to submit that here's a video for you to watch. It's real short.

Oh, my file's too powerful. How do I do this? Here's what I'll do. I'll put it in Slack. Are you done with images? I'm done with images. Every time you say I have another image, I'm waiting to see you with a popsicle in your ass.

I really don't want to see it. So I'm glad we this video oh no all right uh it's uploading oh there it is okay i gotta go to slack oh god oh there's so many flaws with this plan the the turkey baster shape is awful because it's pointed at the end it just looks like a milk spike i it looks like the last thing i would want anywhere near my anus so i understand what you're saying and i think that the different people are going to have different anal tastes for that kind of thing i get that i also think that there's room uh for us to consider making uh and i don't have one at home so i couldn't make a prototype of it easily but But to kind of consider making like a pacifier that you can just kind of pop in, right?

And that kind of cradles your butthole. Video is uploaded. I would like you to please watch it now. All right. Watch it. I'll watch it too. It's so long. Firstly, it's way too long to... It's only 37 seconds.

No, not length in video. The ice freaking spike would skewer the back of your anus. It would hit the bend in your intestine. That's going to get you. No, see, that's the nice thing about it. It's going to come with... And I'm glad that you brought that up. We're going to make it

like people are different sizes. So what you do is you sell a one size fits all. But then we include what I like to call, it's almost like a cigar cutter, right? And then you can cut it to the length of your preferred anal depth. It's awful.

Yeah, so you just go like, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. You can just cut it down to the size that works for you. And I'll be honest with you. And I'm being totally honest. I think that might be the best video I've ever made in my life. I'm so happy with it. I'm so proud of it. I said, I think that might be the best video I've ever made in my life. I'm so happy with it. I'm so proud of it.

I feel like I've done such a good job of relaying what's happening and how fucking relieved and soothed I am without being graphic. It looks like one of Wolverine's claws before the adamantium. I like that you brought up, Gavin, that it is going to just stab your anus. And Jeff's response is, listen, I hear you. But. You didn't solve anything. You just created a new problem and then created an even worse solution for that problem. And it's just going to freeze or burn your sensitive anus skin.

It's going to shred your ass from the cold and from the spike. It's probably second to a knife in terms of things that you should pop your ass. Well, I don't know. I don't know. We're going to have to focus test it. I think that that might be a little harsh. I think that you might find that there are a lot of people who would appreciate the soothing nature of dairy.

I could just, like, as soon as it goes in, it's like anally licking a pole in the winter. It just gets stuck. Like you have a milk tail. I think you're also forgetting how warm it is inside your butthole. That's why people check temperatures now. It's going to melt very quickly. It might melt as fast as you kind of put it in. It's like the worst survivor

challenge. When people stand over a plate and try to have it not melt. Yeah. Show me the stick. Jeff, I think... Now, I will say that stick, I would not

recommend the stick I used. I used a skewer. You put a skewer inside the ice skewer? You put a real skewer? Well, that's all I had. That's why I'm saying it's a prototype. That's all I had. That's why I'm saying it's a prototype. That's all I had. We'll use a rounded...

I love everything I've made. These are fantastic products. I already asked Aaron yesterday if we can sell frozen products. No one wants that. You don't know that yet. The audience hasn't responded. I'm telling you, there's seven and a half billion people on Earth. I can't be the only one that sees the value in this.

You don't even like milk. No, I don't. I don't like milk at all. Are we going to? That's an excellent point. But you know what I do like? Thanks for asking. I like lactose-free milk because that lets me eat cereal again without having the tummy aches right we've talked about that that's why i have all the captain crunch now

thanks to andrew you'll notice in the gorgeous picture that i created for the too spicy icy logo there is both milk there's both lactose full and lactose free milk displayed giving the impression that we would make a lactose freefree option for people like myself. What about chocolate? Is there going to be a chocolate version of this? Can we have a variety of flavor? What is the end goal? How much can you farm off? I think it's going to

become chocolate on its own. Jeff, do you think you can tell what percent milk it is by shoving it in your asshole? I don't think so. The worst magic trick. I think the only thing you could take from it is the grip level. Wherever you're going,

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Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. I also love this product picture. It's so small on the plate. I wanted to fit the pretty flower bouquet and then the milk, the three different kinds of milk in as well. That's why I zoomed in and put it on the right.

It took me a while to cut that out. It's way on the side. The main picture is, it's a white thing on a white plate on a white counter, and it's about 15% of the image. Yeah, but think of it poster size. It would really stand out.

Two. If we made posters, 24 by 36 posters they would like yeah it would pop can we put this on a billboard somewhere no context just i don't know why we can't i think it's a great idea i think i think it's a great idea we should put it on a billboard i own that image and i smudged out the HEB logo on all the milks Yeah let's put it on a billboard and see if anyone knows what it is You should have a number like call if you think you know what this is Call to order now and then just know just see what the calls are On their way to work be like hey did you see that too spicy icy billboard What do you think that is i wish i wish we uh i wish we had like a comment lever in the audience who was like i don't know

a billionaire and who uh was occasionally like just gonna do that you know well so i'm saying we should waste all of the the sponsor money on stuff like this yeah you're right you're right instead of relying on the uh the made-up billionaire to do it yeah that's a good point yeah take the company money if if you show this to a hundred people what percentage do you think realizes that this is an anal product zero there's no there's nothing there's nothing about this you would never think that you would never make that leap i love that you're saying this. I am right there with you.

That's part of the strength of it, right? No. Can't catch you by surprise. No, it's not. I didn't mean this as a positive. Yeah, no, it is a positive. You're right. It's all about perspective, Andrew.

We discussed this. Magic is in the air, buddy. Magic is in the air. We could put this on the Instagram and just type, like, where does this go and see what people think. Or, like, where does this go? And see what people think. Or, like, what is this for? Oh.

Thank you, Gavin. That reminds me of the thing. Yeah, we can do that. I'm still trying to process the fact that you think you can throw a baseball 80 miles per hour, Jeff. Yeah, of course I can. And I meant to tweet to ask people just to see like on what range you are yeah do you think now is the spicy what is it too spicy icy too spicy icy yeah could you just use that as a popsicle like it doesn't have to be an anal thing well like i wouldn't put it well

i mean if you wanted a milk popsicle yeah sure yeah sure. Yeah. But that's not what it's designed for. I don't think it's designed for what you're saying it's designed for. It's on a skewer, and it's as sharp as a knife. I think I designed it, Andrew, and I know what I designed it for. I think you did a horrible job. You didn't solve any problem. What problems did you solve today, sir? At least I tried.

I didn't have any problems. At least I identified a need in the world. I watched Survivor perfectly fine. My power stayed intact. Oh, now you're going to brag about your awesome Canadian power. Yeah. Yeah, I will. I will.

I watched both tribal councils. It was great. I had no problems. I have that audio clip. What audio clip? From earlier. I'll see if you can hear this. Okay. Interesting. Guiding Light, 15,000 episodes.

Oprah Winfrey Show, 4,500. Jerry Springer Show, 5,084. Interesting. Because on the Jerry Springer Show Wikipedia page, it's listed as 4969. I wonder if they roll in some of the Steve show in that, potentially.

What's the Steve show? Well, you know that cop that was like the security guy? I'm playing the wrong bit. I was like, this is so long. Oh, I started right after. Oh,

here we go. What? I want like an episode breakdown book. Like it's just a fully every episode written down and him giving little notes

about each show. Just a giant encyclopedia sized thing of trash. Hey man, I don't know if you've, I don't know if you checked the trash lately,

but Eric's got some conflicting information. What? Wait, but Eric's got some conflicting information. What? You said trash, and Jeff said I don't know if you've checked the trash recently when he was talking about the chat. It seems like I would have done that on purpose, but I can't come up with a reason why. Eric said that was worth it. I just like that none of us know this. We've got to pay attention on these.

Yeah. Stuff like that, Paz. It's hard to listen while you're talking, though. It is. You've got to pay attention when you're talking. I'm just thankful nobody barked at Jeff. What a relief. Yeah.

God, that was a weird thing, man. Stop barking. Well, anyway, that's my next product. I can't promise when I'll have a third, but, you know, uniform's cranking away. I'm going to start talking to some distributors. If you're interested in investing, I have a lead on a new product.

I'm not very far along. I can tease it a little bit, but I have identified that one problem with this product could be milk residue and what to do with it. Milk leakage. So I'm thinking if you could create a pair of milk pants that absorbs and recycles the milk, kind of like Paul Atreyu's outfit in dune where it like recycled all the pee and sweat into like drinkable water like if we could maybe maybe come

out with a way to filter the milk leakage into i don't know you could water plants with it or something uh anyway but we're working on that and uh anyway if you're interested in investing just let me know could i uh potentially enhance the product jeff just slightly always always i just that's what i want to hear. I feel like this is a much better design. Zero enthusiasm. I don't think this should exist, but if you're going to make it, I feel like that's a much better scale and

option. You can wear it. It fits within the uniform, as Gavin said. Not wearable, but you got that. I like that. What that is is you posted a ring pop. I think a ring pop is, that's what that is, is you posted a ring pop. Uh, I think a ring pop is very similar to a pacifier, which is what I was saying earlier.

And that, that's a, that's a great direction to go with it. Thanks. I appreciate it. I agree with you. Cause it's not as deep and there's an easy way to get it out. Yeah.

And it's also a little wider, you know, for a heftier person, you know, not all bottles are the same size. So, you know, I don't think anything needs to go past the sphincter.

I think it's all surface level tingles and numbness. Yeah. I don't think anything needs... I don't think anything needs to go inside your anus. It's just the end of the anus that feels the spice. I don't know, man. Like, you don't feel the spice... I feel like I felt it...

...like six inches up. I felt like I felt it pretty deep yesterday or the day before. How many inches up the asshole? Oh, maybe like an inch up. Maybe a ring pops the way there. Taking it back to the beginning of this, I'd love to hear Eric and Gavin's thoughts. So we got a text leading into this

of Jeff just saying that he got Tiger Bomb in his asshole. What did you imagine the context of that was? Did you think, like, did you put any thought into it? I personally, I thought it was a thing where, like, he applied it to a part of his body, didn't fully remove it from his finger, and then, like, wiped his ass and accidentally got it. I thought it'd be like when you eat something spicy

and you accidentally touch your eye. Yeah. No, exactly. That's what I assumed. I never would have guessed that this happened in the middle of a bike ride it was a solution for numbing the fact that he applied it to the ass area

is shocking oh you didn't realize I had done that no I assumed it was much more accidental I lost all sympathy for you and your problem it was an accident it was an accident no but you put it you put the tiger bomb in a danger zone and you paid the price you played with fire and it happened.

It wasn't like it was where it was supposed to be. Listen, first off, I don't know that it matters how it got there. It absolutely does. What matters is that it's there and that I'm dealing with it and suffering in the moment. Who cares how it happened? I just don't. and to call it a fix

it's like you burnt your hands put on gloves and then burnt the rest of your body and was like i fixed the issue my hands are fine it's like what are you talking about i don't think that that's a accurate at all it's ridiculous how does that make i don? It makes no sense. You burn your butthole. It's the same thing I put my dick in when I got jalapeno juice on it. I know. I assume it's going to work exactly the same. That was just liquid milk, though, wasn't it? Yeah.

Were you just dunking your cock and balls in a cup? Yeah. So what's stopping you from just sticking your legs either side of your head and just pouring a shot of milk into your... Ooh! ...ring? That's essentially what I'm doing, but it's a lot less messy the way I'm doing it. Do you have a milk funnel for your butthole? What, specifically?

What? I also don't have an ice cube tray. Don't touch that! That's my butthole funnel. You don't need one because you'll buy the product from me! You're not making it yourself! You're buying it from me! Or from Dillard, like from C- You're selling a turkey baster! We'll probably buy it from CVS or HEB or wherever, Randalls, whatever grocery store you go to. Probably have some sort of a, I would assume, like a, oh, maybe like a Lennon's and things or like Bed Bath and Beyond, i could see us being there i i'm just much more on board with andrew's uh ring pop yeah

sting pop the sting pop i like i like that the too spicy icy icy plug nick said is good as well sting pop i think what we do is we workshop names you know uh all about that i also i love while i like i do kind of like the the jewel shape of it, though. I hope Ring of Health doesn't have... Is it the Bellagio in Vegas that has that fountain outside of it that shoots the water up? I'm just imagining that with milk.

Yeah, that's what we could do for our launch party. 17 dudes squatting over it. I think the end of Ocean's Eleven, significantly better. Anyway, what do you guys got? I don't know how to follow that up, Jeff. Well, what about your homework, Andrew? Oh, Eric's got a question.

Oh, Eric has a question. Yes, sir. Just quickly, and then we can move on to Andrew's homework. You said specifically that this was to stop your tiger balm burn is that right in this instance yes

it would be to soothe the tiger balm burn but I also then immediately realized that when I have too spicy food my butthole burns in a similar way and so I think that it would work for that as well. Does milk help ice, like tiger balm? I don't know.

I figured that we would find out, but it definitely helps jalapeno burn. Right. And Nick is sort of driving at what I was kind of wanting to know is did you test this? Oh, no. No. No. at what I was kind of wanting to know is did you test this oh no no no by the time you should by the I feel like by the time I got it all by the time I got the milk frozen I felt fine oh what did you do to soothe the burn I waited it out oh you just waited yeah oh okay I like the idea of this it's not it's the pain is over so soon

that you don't have time to pour the milk and freeze it. You need to have one of these in your freezer. Oh, I had plenty of time to pour the milk and freeze it. I just didn't, I was, you have to realize, I also had another hour and a half bike ride before I got home to even get to the milk. And I had to conceive of the product. I had to build the structure.

I had to find tape that was waterproof. That was a thing. It took a while. Sounds to me like you have homework this week, Jeff. Well, you have homework. Let's talk about that. I had homework, yeah. Well, I mean, it's not much to talk about. I mean, it turns out jet skis are expensive. Yes, they are.

We do that. Yeah. Well, I'm working on it. It's not an immediate process i'm working i'm throwing i'm throwing things out there i've tried my best i've expanded so i think we need to maybe reevaluate this stunt a little bit and think about where our floor is like what are we happy with with a base thing so i i kind of want to cover the bases i haven't i'm still working i'll get a response eventually i'll figure out i didn't know what to put the subject line in the email for this uh but i'm covering everything so we got jet skis i've reached out to a few jet ski places

i also just to make sure we have something have a floor have also reached out to a few electric wheelchair companies i figure you guys could scoot on by each other, give a little high five. So we got a ground level. Because they're a lot, I think they're cheaper. They're significantly, you could just take them. And so we, at least... Well, I mean, an omelet

is cheaper. We don't want one. What do you mean? Well, it sounds to me like you guys really wanted to do this high five while passing each other i think i would hey i'd love for it to be a jet ski i'd be a big fan of that but you know sometimes it doesn't work out that way you don't replace a jet ski with an electric scooter you replace a jet ski with a layover boat we have a floor jeff the floor is the i tell you what the floor is the water surface it's's surface. It's gotta be

on, it's gotta float. Well, you didn't give me that instruction. You just said get a jet ski and, you know, jet skis are expensive. Get a jet ski is the instruction. No, I thought the real heart and goal of this mission was to have you two high five while going in different directions. Andrew. We could do that on foot.

Yeah, but nobody wants to see that on foot. There's a vehicle involved in some way some form of transportation and so i just wanted to start on a ground level if you can float an electric scooter i'm all about it i mean it doesn't have to be a jet ski as long as it's floats and it has and it's propelled in in a world where people are shoving milk icicles up their ass i don't see why I can't get a floating. I don't either. I believe in the ingenuity of Andrew Patton. Okay. So you want,

it has to be on the water specifically. It can't be on land. Like it's not just the high five. Cause you brought up being on your bike, Jeff. It's the high five mixed. It's the high five mixed. Wait, which, which stunt are we doing? Are we doing the one where I'm on my bicycle and we's the high five mixed. It's the high five mixed. Wait, which stunt are we doing?

Are we doing the one where I'm on my bicycle and we do the high five at the bike and the jet ski cross in the air? I couldn't remember if Eric shit on that or not. I thought we were doing hands on a stick on jet skis. Hands on a stick on a jet ski. Okay, cool. Because I wanted to go more extreme with it,

but I remember Eric being all like, oh, I'm scared of extreme stuff and stuff. So, okay. So yeah, no, then it should probably be two jet skis it but i remember eric being all like i'm scared of extreme stuff and stuff so uh okay so yeah no then it should probably be uh two jet skis or maybe two boats of some kind okay speed speed like boats are gonna be easy to get okay no you know what i'll uh i'll go back to the lab i'll continue with my homework you have homework too i'll come back with an update next week i reached out to a few places haven't heard. Didn't even hear back from the wheelchair company. I don't actually want to put this in my butt.

Well, you made it. I thought. And you're promoting it. No, well, it's too late. I thought doing all the work, the other work I did was enough. No. I think just get a fingertip of Tiger Balm around the anus. Dude, I don't want to.

I don't. I don't. Do not want to do that. I don't. I don't do not want to do that again. But you made a whole product video. Yeah. It has to be tested. I made the product video so you can continue to do it. The whole point of the product is so you can do this and then relieve

yourself from the side effects of it. What do you mean you don't want to do it again? Do you really want a comment lever to be the first person to stick a milk ice cube up their butt? It has to be you. I don't like that being out there. I don't think anyone should. Consult a

professional. What do you mean? You just made a product. This whole episode was about the product. It's on spec. It hasn't gotten any approval yet. What do you mean? I know what the professional will say? They're not gonna say yes Jeff I do know this It needs to be open and closed by you Jeff look we need we need closure on this all right. I'll think about it

I'll think about the point of the prop. product what are you doing what are you talking about what are you talking about you just pitched I just listened for 30 minutes you talk about how great this product is and then we ask you to use it and you're like I don't want to go seek a professional what are you talking about what was this episode

Nick said I should be behind a curtain and have Emily record my reaction What are you talking about? What was this episode? Nick said I should be behind a curtain and have Emily record my reaction. Oh, man. Oh, yes. That's like some old Howard Stern shit, Nick. You know what you're doing. Yes, Nick. That's like Scott the Engineer and the porn star. Lexington Steel.

It's not as extreme. No. I also love the flip of this. Jeff came in so excited to talk about this product, and he's now dreading it. You've gone too far. And you're only going about an inch in anyway. Yeah.

And you know what? The milk, you can tell. You can pull out. You can see how far you went. It could be like a combine stat. I think we've been going long, pretty long. I think we're probably at time. Okay.

Well, I don't think that changes anything as far as your homework goes. Does anybody else have anything else they want to cover? I talked about magic. I'm doing a podcast. What? Well, sort of, not really. So I got somebody, somebody messaged me and asked if i could help with a college project thing that they were working on and i've had this happen a few times typically

it's just like they ask some questions and it's like an interview type thing uh so that's just somebody wants to talk to you well you know it's a it's part of an assignment it's different than just talking to me and i had somebody ask and like, hey, could you help with this thing? And I said, sure. And then they said, okay, would you do a podcast with me? Which is not what I was expecting. I thought it would just be a few questions. I said, okay, I could probably do that.

What is the podcast on? And then they replied, I've got no idea. What do you think? What do you think we should do? Okay. So if you guys have podcast ideas, I could use this. I could take this. What?

I don't understand. What do you mean? Why are you confused by this? I'm doing one episode of a podcast for a college assignment with this person. I don't know what it should be about. What should the topic be? I'm telling you it's not going to be about anal icicles or whatever that was

French Revolution Spanish-American War and that's why you're going to learn so that you can make an entertaining podcast you'll be enriched just make a sports podcast and then everyone will be happy that it's not on this I guess I'm not really clear on that

what if I did sports and survivor? perfect, that's great. That really didn't go anywhere. I feel like it would have been better if I said nothing. What do you mean? Why did you think it was gonna go somewhere? Jeff was like, does anyone have anything? And I was thinking, well, what's happened

recently? And I brought that up, and everybody it was like I fucking popped all the balloons in the room, and it just went dead. My attempt to bring anything beyond what Jeff said was actually a negative result. I would have been better off just not

saying a word that I was trying to say something is what I'm saying. Eric, how's your butthole been lately? No. No more butthole. We're done with the buttholes. Andrew is so disappointed that no one wanted to help him invent a new podcast everybody someone else everybody gave you an idea what more do you want you need a producer for you you gave me two ideas you everyone welcome baffled by the idea went dead silent yeah i'm not disappointed that it You're welcome. I'm not disgusted.

I'll be... Andrew, can I dispel something right now? Absolutely. If you picked up on any kind any kind of uh impression that i was disgusted uh with you making a high school project or a college project with some kid uh it it had zero to do with that and more to do with the fact that i am running through how in my head how much i love this how how much do i actually care about this podcast? And can I physically put a fucking milk popsicle up my butthole for a bit or not?

And if not, how do I get out of it? And I realize that I've painted myself in my fucking corner here. And I'm just struggling. Dead-eye stare, just thinking about the icicle. I'm just struggling about, I'm thinking about how my joke went wrong and I'm trying to...

I think it went very right. I disagree that it went wrong. I think it went exactly right. You were picking up on something else. I can't wait for you to not do this and I'm excited to see what the comment levers yell at you. I have eat the pencil. Oh, this will be Jeff's pencil.

I already had that. I had the stupid, I had the goddamn porta potty. Put a bit of graphite through the middle of the ice spike and we're in the same situation. I'm trying to decide if I would trade with Jeff. I don't think I would. I already had the porta potty. I got shit on for the porta potty forever. Well, not really, but I feel like.

And, and, and, and I had the goddamn potty forever. Well, not really by. And I had the goddamn dipping sauce controversy. That was largely just a miscommunication. I think we both thought the other person was doing a bit and we both were confused. I don't think that that was.

That was just us being confused. Genuinely, I was thinking about it. Jeff, do you think that's the most heated conversation we've had in the entirety of our friendship? You and I? I can't think of any. Yeah, I can't think of a single thing that would come close. I can't imagine we've ever even come close. Yeah, it's just of all things.

Pencil bullshit, you know? The only time we've ever even come close to heated has been for comedy yeah but i feel like that that was not that was like one that had extended beyond that gavin on the other hand oh i hate that motherfucker half the time i'm around him henry it's okay who me what what'd you say i don't think i've ever had an argument with gavin henry's barking at a fucking toy although gavin doesn't even know I have a fucking cat for 20 years So I don't know what we'd argue about You never told me

I definitely did, it was in episode 3 Or whatever the show You've been told A cat is like a part of a story that's about You eating shit in a bathroom The cat's not the bit you pay attention to The whole point I was in the bathroom was the cat It's the center of the story that is true that is true i mentioned coolio three times

you're right that was once again that was you know what chef i now apologize to you because that was my icicle thing i was stunned by the fact that gavin didn't know nancy drew so i was just lost i was just in the clouds. This is the most scatterbrained podcast. This should be the last thing you listen to if you've just recovered from a stroke. This is one of the worst podcasts to follow. It's completely incoherent.

You know what's interesting about this podcast, though, that I'll say, is that the waves that we ride and then crest and go on and how they change, right? Like, you're right. This is a scatterbrained mess of a podcast right now.

What's confusing to me, disparate ideas that I feel like we have like little tendrils of comedy bits that we could go and then we just die on the vine because we get distracted by somebody jangling their keys over here and then we go to the other thing.

I feel like that's where we are right now. But like previously, I was thinking about this. There was a good period of, I don't know, of this podcast where I no longer trusted either of you to the point where I didn't want to have a conversation with you outside of the podcast because I couldn't trust the conversation.

And I don't feel that way at all right now. And that was like, Eric says, that was like months. I feel like we're totally past that wave of distrust and backstabbing and now we're all just chasing squirrels. I mean, there was,

even Nick was, Nick says even he was on edge. Is this our paranoia refractory period? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Do I talk about the thing I talked about when Jeff left yesterday? Or last time we did this? Did I bring that up?

No, what was that? There was a thing. There was, you know, maybe a little bit of a scheme of sorts was talked about. That was decided not worth doing. You didn't do it? No. Well, maybe. I don't know.

Was that teasing? That was so unconvincing that it didn't bother me in the least, either way. No, that's fine. Also, Eric wants us to plug the scrumping signs are coming soon. Oh, are they out yet? Are they in the store yet? I just did that.

They're not in the store yet. By the time this is out, hopefully. What's up with Matt and Eric? No one's gonna be listening to this on the 23rd of September, Eric. Happy birthday Millie Ramsey, by the way.

Today, my daughter turned 16 years old, sweetie. Millie Ramsey, September the way, today. Happy birthday! Today my daughter turned 16 years old, sweetie! Millie Ramsey, September 23rd, 2005. The world got better. Also, oh, I know one thing. The bat knobs are coming out October 1st, right? That's a

note I had in my phone. I still don't understand. It still doesn't make sense, but that's fine. The bat knobs October 1st got us no scrumping signs I saw we saw some pretty sweet go go now shirt design so I guess that'll be a thing at some point in the future as well

does it matter if it's not out right now what do you mean Eric what are you about oh if somebody's butthurt I got a solution. I've been waiting for this moment. Somehow that podcast was full circle.

Amazing. Thank you for listening to another episode of F*** Face. If you enjoyed it, consider buying any of the products that we talked about recently that may or may not be in the store today or some point in the near or distant future. And if you want to tell a friend to listen to the podcast, we sure would appreciate it. Also, don't forget to check us out on YouTube. We have a YouTube channel, and we will put videos up there, in addition to the audio podcast, but also videos like the,

I don't know, maybe the promotional video that I just filmed for the Too Spicy Icy, or Gavin on a Jet Ski, or whatever we come up with next. And also, don't be afraid to write a review and rate us, as long as you rate us well if you well you know what i'm not your boss if you want to rate it give us a shitty rating give us a shitty

rating it's your opinion right this is america or if the country that you live in i don't know if you can say that in the country you live in if you're like well this is i don't know i i don't know china i don't know if that means the same thing as it does when we say here i'm not sure how communism works but uh we would like a positive review or a negative review. How about this? We'd like an honest review. And we love you. We'll see you next week.