Regulation Podcast - We Rule the Domain of Zim // The Sap Trap [38]

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about Geoff's dog finding a squeaky toy, then a fire alarm going off in Andrew's apartment, then a fire truck driving outside and Andrew thinking his apartment is on fire, shouting Zimmer from the rooftops, and more. Sponsored by Hello Tushy (http://hellotushy.com/face) and The Jordan Harbinger Show (http://jordanharbinger.com/subscribe). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, and to set us off... You didn't start... Yeah, no, I already started. I already started. To celebrate, you gotta hit record. You can't start before three, Jeff. I've been recording for... It is three.

Are we recording? Three to one. But if you're saying you started before I got there, that's invalid minutes. I got a... Oh. I got a... Oh. I got a parallel. Oh, man. Andrew, I got a...

Emmanuel Moudier... Parallel. It looks like a silver mojo, maybe. I don't know. Out of what number? Did you start? I don't know. It's not numbered, unfortunately.

Yeah, we started. We started the same. Yeah, we did start. Before you were here, Gavin, Jeff got a pack of basketball cards. He didn't know if he should open them on the show or not, so he decided he'd open them and react if he got a card he liked.

I guess this was one. As we're going through. I'll be honest. I'm not a fan of pre-3 o'clock minutes. Not a fan of them. Well, we weren't. What do you mean not a fan of them? We'clock minutes not a fan of them well we weren't what do you mean not a fan of them we were just hanging out talking we weren't recording i mean we weren't podcasting so you didn't start i was recording but that's because i'm always recording we weren't

recording i mean i was recording but i didn't consider it to be a part of the show no we just talked basketball yeah we're talking about how disappointing the Celtics are. I got a fucking gold parallel Derek Favors. Where did it start? When you joined. I don't feel like we can have this talk again. I feel like we've had this conversation like four times. That's why I think we should hard cut start now.

Hello and welcome to the F*** Face Podcast episode 38. I got a Joel Embiid from a second year. Okay. Jess is going to read every cart is what this is going to be. I'm just going to read the ones

that are worthless reading. So far. So far, none of read all. Who are you, Jeff? I'm a guy with. I'll tell you who I am. I'm a guy. I'm a guy who put the wrong sock

on the right foot this morning and didn't give a shit because I'm still living. I'm a guy who put the wrong sock on the right foot this morning and didn't give a shit because I'm still living on cloud nine. I'm a guy who still only has one toilet, but I don't have a hole in my yard anymore. I'm that guy. I'm a guy who's making incremental improvements in his life and is feeling pretty good about it. Yeah.

Yeah. We need to tackle these one at a time. So last episode we recorded you revealed your sock thing yeah you're done with socks you spent 20 minutes talking about how you don't want to think about a sock for the rest of your life you don't care don't give a fuck at all about socks correct the very next day our merch channel on slack said hey remember these two left socks do we still want to make them and you literally spent all of the previous recording saying I don't give a

fuck about socks and you replied absolutely well yeah. He was like a dog that got shown a sock shaped bone. It's still a good product. Dude I gotta. Yeah but you don't give a fuck about the socks. What? So I'm confused about these socks are we selling two left socks or are we selling a left and a right sock that both say left we're selling a left and a right sock that both say left okay wait what yeah wait what yeah we're they're actually there's they're they're left right socks they're not just standard socks that aren't well what fun would that be? I know!

That's not even what you're dealing with. That's not what you're dealing with. You just are incapable of wearing socks. That's not the same problem. I got an Evan Fournier prism. Gross. It's not worth mentioning. Nobody's excited about Evan Fournier. I know!

I got an Al Jefferson parallel. God damn, dude. Congratulations. I don't... You're more enthused about these cards than you are the socks. But you want them to make socks. We get to talk like once a week. Sometimes once every

two weeks. And you're just like looking down at your cards. I'm talking. I'm on my last pack. I'm on my last pack i'm on my last pack don't worry okay wow blazing anyway i take notes i got all kinds of stuff i want to talk about this week oh shit great i have a few things too should we uh should we how do we want to do this do we do the bats immediately we just get that out of the way discussed on here how i i get nervous before these now? Yes.

You mentioned it last week, actually. But I think that was not in the recording. You mentioned it before, I think. I think that actually might be. I don't know. I can't sleep before these. I don't know what's happened. Thursdays, I'm nervous.

I love it. What is there to be nervous about? Jeff is opening card packs and talking about how he wants socks. This is so low stakes. Andrew's mad that we're selling socks. I'm not mad. I just thought it was insane that you spent an entire episode talking about how you don't give a fuck about socks. And then one day later, you're like, make the socks.

Well, yeah, I still want the socks. I feel like I lived with you for how many years? Five? I don't know. A long time. I don't think you mentioned socks a single time i didn't well a couple of couple a couple reasons for that one i didn't have this problem back then and two i hadn't experienced the sock revolution yet i don't think i think that was after you moved out i was listening to the the one we did where you had that terrible suggestion and I didn't realize it at the time we were recording.

But Jeff, you were like, all right, Roadmaster74 has the ultimate suggestion, Roadmaster74. Roadmaster74, I'm going to mention your name a lot. Anyway, what Roadmaster4 said and then you immediately got his name wrong before doing the suggestion. It was unbelievable

that A, you did that, and B, neither of us, Andrew, did even register. He peppered us with so many that it was tough to keep track of. It was like endless and all kind of blended together. Ridiculous. I might be brilliant. That might have been on purpose.

It wasn't. What are we starting with then? It's a great strategy. I might be brilliant. That might have been on purpose. It wasn't. What are we starting with then? Well, I'll tell you this. Yeah, are we doing bat? Okay, go ahead. I'll tell you this. I could be upset because guess what's fixed? Guess what's fixed?

Okay, well, you fixed your sock problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe your shelves are done. The pipe's under my house. I'll answer it for you. The pipes under my house are fixed. Okay, well, you fixed your sock problem. Yeah. I believe your shelves are done. The pipes under my house. I'll answer it for you. The pipes under my house are fixed. Okay. I literally, I got up one morning, and I went outside at like nine

in the morning, and guys were leaving, and it was gone. It was like the hole in my yard had never been there. The five foot tall pile of dirt that was 10, 12 feet long that was wrapped up in fucking like plastic gone. It looks like my fear of them destroying the very fancy yard that we had put in totally.

It's like they were never here. Totally, totally gone. It's like it never happened. Engineer came, inspectors came, permit guy came. They got it all done. I wasn't even around. It was just gone. Guy says, uh, okay, yeah, you're good.

Now I just got to put the toilet back together. And I said, okay, cool. He was like, I'll come by on whatever day. So he comes by on whatever day and he does some work behind it. And he goes, okay, I sealed up all the stuff I had to seal up behind it. Now you just got to get somebody to come in and put the drywall back together and then I can come put your toilet back together. And I went, oh, right, you don't do drywall. And he's like, nope,

but I'll come the day after you get the drywall done. I go, oh, okay, we're in fucking homestretch now. Called every drywall place in Austin. Can't even get anybody to come out and take a look at it for a week.

So now I got a toilet that would work just fine, but he can't put it back together because I got no drywall. So I'm choosing to be happy about it, though. I don't have a very visible hole. There's no giant tunnel, all Hogan's Heroes under my house anymore.

Still down to one toilet, but you wouldn't know it from the outside. So was it a smaller job than they initially envisioned? Yes. That's good. Yes. Oh, yes. Great.

It was a lot of good news under that house. A lot of good news. Turns out the kitchen pipes that they were worried about needing to replace because they're cast iron. Somebody already took care of it about 10 years ago or a few years ago. They put a bladder inside of it and then inflated it, which then extends the life of the pipes for like forever. And so I need to get it sprayed out every 10 years with like a high pressure thing

because there's a couple places where water could pool very slowly. But about every decade, I got to get that done. And that's it. Other than that, I'm good. Wow. So this problem is solved. mean toilet will eventually work everything's sort of next week somebody will come out and they will look at the drywall and they'll make an estimation and then they'll probably tell me it'll be a week or so before they can get a crew out here and then they'll come out and then they'll drywall and then the guy will come out and put the the toilet back

in so at the end of the day i'll probably still be down a toilet for a good two months. You know, I'm five weeks in at this point of being down a toilet. So I don't know why I wouldn't continue. So how many do you have left? How many toilets do I have left? Yeah, just one. I'm a two toilet house. OK, so everyone's sharing the same bog.

Everybody's sharing the bathroom in my in my bedroom. So, like, well, I guess Emily's shitting in the yard. She doesn't use toilet. Yeah, well, Emily sh's sharing the same bog? Everybody's sharing the bathroom in my bedroom. Well, I guess Emily's shitting in the yard. She doesn't use toilets. Yeah, well, Emily shits in the yard. But it's annoying for Millie because it's like if she has to go to the bathroom at one in the morning, she's got to come into my bedroom

and go through the bathroom to get in the bathroom. You know? So, yeah. How often do you get up to pee in the night? Me? Yeah. Every six minutes. Really?

Yeah, at least every... That bad? I probably pee 30 to 400 times a night. Do you actually get up every single night to pee? Yeah. It happens at my age. I probably get up... I get up one to three times a night.

Is that like a prostate thing? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. How about you, Gavin? I'm okay with it. I feel like it's coming in slowly. Like, I need to pee like an hour before I wake up every day.

Yeah. That's how it starts. An hour before. Okay. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah. That's the worst because then it's like hard to get back to bed. It's almost not worth it.

That's where you have to walk with your eyes closed. Because I'll look at my calendar and be like, ah, well, I've got to do this in like 90 minutes am i really gonna go back to sleep no or am i gonna lay here and try to sleep through having to pee and get bad sleep no it's an unwinnable situation yeah i'm sorry to hear that it's not great so andrew hopefully you don't have those uh mid mid sleep piss problems yet no i had you know i went through it was weird i had like two weeks where i had to wake up consistently at like 3 a.m to pee and then it never happened again i was really depressed about it i was like i guess this is life now then just went away just chugging too

much liquid before bed i guess so yeah i like to drink a lot of water so maybe i was just pushing it a little too hard at that time but yeah it was like a thing where I thought, fuck, is this life now? I have to get up at 3 a.m. and pee? Yeah, it will be. This is two weeks. Hey, let me ask you a question, Gavin, about our friend Andrew, since we're talking about Andrew and this problem. If Andrew came to us and said,

I've been having this problem, let's say it's a year or two down the road. We've forgotten about this conversation. We're just a regular f*** face. And he's like, yeah, I've been having this problem, but I came up with a really two down the road. We've forgotten about this conversation. We're just a regular f*** face. And he's like, yeah, I've been having this problem, but I came up with a really unique solution for it. I've been having to get up and pee in the middle of the night, which I don't like to do because I'd have to turn the lights on,

and then that alerts my neighbors, or it sets my smoke alarm off, or it trips a breaker and shoots hot dogs across the room. Or for whatever reason, he doesn't want to get up in the middle of the night, so he's come up with a creative solution a if he said uh i just i did i just wear a diaper to bed every night and then i don't have to worry about it would you be surprised no not at all but i think that's too simple for andrew i think andrew would have like a hole at dick height in his mattress it would he whatever his whatever his solution would be it would involve like levers i think right and rope but i agree with you i feel like i feel like we could totally see this as a plausible future scenario we'll have to deal with he hates to travel he doesn't mind traveling

when it comes to like switching countries and take the longest journey in the world he hates traveling between rooms and i i feel like you would have a dick hole at penis height in your mattress which on your mattress i think is up by the pillows if i remember correctly and you would just have like a tube that goes down to a bucket under the bed and i think that would be a decent solution for you i think you'd enjoy that why wouldn't i just piss in the bucket why am i why do i have a tube spray because that way you'll have to spray out dude you just turn over on your front and just piss down the hole you don't have to oh i got the hole in the mattress yeah oh i don't see i think it'd probably be more like i just bought a urinal throw it on my my night that's the thing would

be the route i guess there aren't any rules where you can install a urinal. You just need the plumbing. I would tape a funnel to my dick every night and then just have a tube going into the actual toilet, like just running. And then I would like staple it down or whatever. So then you'd piss. It would just eventually work its way into your toilet. And then you just get up in the morning, shake a little bit, flush the toilet. I think you'd have the would just eventually work its way into your toilet and then you just get up in the morning shake a little bit flush the toilet

I think you'd have the back maybe just suck it out like you suck out a fucking gas out of the gas tank just like siphoning it out the next morning siphon it quick before you get the pee in your mouth you gotta be like does it just go to the toilet how well okay how far is your bed to the toilet

how long are we talking from where I sleep to the end of the toilet comfortably. You wouldn't want it to be taut, right? Because you wouldn't want to roll over in your sleep and rip the whole thing down. Or the dog walks around, trips on it. Yeah, or like Arrow somehow has this ability to unplug my laptop within four seconds

of me turning it on, no matter where she is, even if she's a fucking sleep uh i i would say probably 30 feet 35 feet 30 feet are you fucking crazy you have a third you're going 30 foot tube you think this would work i i don't know why why wouldn't it work i'm not sure i could there's no way with that with a 30 foot tube that'd be like several pisses for me I think well yeah you'd have some room in the chamber in case you had a particularly wet sleep I really like the idea of

a urinal on the wall right next to the bed so you just have to tilt and aim and arc it into I think that's brilliant why don't people do that? because you're going to get spray everywhere you're gonna have like a little little dried up little yellow piss dots everywhere it's

gross yeah but I mean you have some risk there is no fun without a little risk that is fair there there does need to be risk anyway Andrew I'm I'm looking forward to you aging because I'm I'm excited to see the dumb shit you do to confront it oh the dog found us the dog found his squeaky toy excellent hope you guys are ready buckle in for the next 30 seconds to four hours depending on how uh so do you think you would you would lean towards uh a urinal in the room a piss hole in the

mattress or some sort of levers and pulley system a la wallace and gromit that tilts you up in the air and forwards into a toilet that's at like the foot of the bed oh that's a tough call i definitely wouldn't go diaper diaper Diaper just seems terrible. No interest in that. I would probably end up with some Rube Goldberg type device. I imagine. I think it would be the pulleys and lovers would be my whole. I would think you'd going off of history.

I would think you'd I would think you'd need to overcomplicate it. Why don't I? I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go take care of the situation. I'll be right back. You guys continue to talk. Sure.

Do you have any new bedroom innovations, Andrew? No, I don't have any new bedroom innovations. I will say, I think the bathtub being restricted to just the bathroom is, like, completely ridiculous. I think there should be more rooms with more tubs. I feel like, uh, in, like, super old school rich mansions, there's always a bath in the bedroom. There is, yeah. Yeah, I feel like those need to exist more. That's not really a personal bathroom innovation.

I just think that there should be more bathtubs. I think there should be a bathtub that's bigger, wider than the bed, and the bed hangs above it. And then you can just lean down and just piss into the bath below your bed. Why would you want to piss in your own bathtub? That's gross. You gotta clean that shit up. What if the bathtub

has a flush like a toilet? It's like an all-in-one thing for liquid. You're now taking baths in a giant toilet, is what you're saying. Why is the bed suspended? Oh, pee only in this toilet tub. Yeah. Look, we've been

stuck with bog tech for years. Decades of no innovation. Since the bidet, I don't think there's been any revolutionary toilet increases in technology. Squatty potty. People learn to put their feet up. No, that's just getting back

to what they used to do when people used to squat and shit in halls that's that's a regression sometimes you gotta go gotta go backwards to go forward i think i'd definitely make a device for sure that'd be overly complicated like there was a time when i was super into the first destiny they did this event for it was like a valentine's day you had to play doubles and you had a random chance of getting a certain type of ghost and i was trying to collect everything in that game and i played like 80 or 90 games and that ghost would not drop so uh i came up with this whole plan with a friend where we got i got a bunch of rope and I got two bedroom fans and I taped my controller to like an end table.

And then I taped I reform it. So on the Xbox, you can reconfigure your controller. So I made my left bumper be the jump and then I rubber banded my left analog stick. So it's always running forward. And then I set one fan up so that it would rotate left and right and it had a pen attached to it and the pen would hit the bumper so i'd jump and then i taped the right trigger down and there's a gun in that game that had infinite ammo but it would use your health as bullets so i was constantly killing myself and then that would it

was based on like as an elimination game so once you died the other team won a point so i was dying as quickly as possible and i had to do all that to beat the afk tracking on the game because i needed like multiple outputs and it worked my fan played like 300 400 games of destiny i never got the ghost so that means a bunch of people were playing against someone just running in circles shooting all their blood out and dropping dead over and over again yeah they probably never saw me for most of those games i was just immediately dying in the spawn area i ended up statistically in like the top one percent for suicides and destiny i was like top of the leaderboard but I did this for several nights and my fan played hundreds of games and I never got the shell and then I eventually talked to somebody

from Bungie and they just admitted it was bugged I had no chance to that's tragic the fans is genius though oh yeah I tried to do the same for Sea of Thieves recently and it did not work their AFK was too good but I had two different fans and like multiple analog sticks being moved.

You just have to transpose that to piss and you'll be fine. Yeah, I think I'd find some sort of solution. I haven't looked in piss alternatives, but I'm sure I'd come up with something. Do you still play Destiny? No, I haven't. I haven't played that game in a million years. I think since it went free to play, honestly. Yeah, I just, I don't know.

Just sort of the pricing structure around some of the content in that game Kind of tough to follow. Hey. Oh, what is that? Who's got a fire alarm the fire? That's that's you got some desk dogs going Andrew get out No, it's not safe. I think like there's a fire in the building unplug unplug my alarm No, you should first check to see if there's a real fire and then maybe then unplug well i don't it's not like none of the alarms in my that you know what is really funny about that that means that i literally that means when i fucked out with the desk dogs that means other people's alarms absolutely not i have a phone call i'll be back this is his life this is it's not a coincidence this is happening while we're filming he just

he he's a magnet for this kind of stuff fucking ben so ben ernst is uh he's filling in on this recording because eric couldn't be here, and I think Nick is still dead or something. And he just texted in the Discord, is this normal? And yeah. Yeah. So my building might be on fire? I'm not exactly sure, but what are the odds that that's actual?

I wouldn't give a life on it. I would sniff around maybe. I mean Considering the warning that it's on fire is is been triggered They're better than it. No, that's not true cuz I I feel so bad that I triggered the whole building with my desk Docs That's this I would have think you wouldn't have triggered the whole building if it why would only one floor burn? in the whole building if if it why would only one floor burn in a stack no no no no no no my my my space isn't actually part we've been over this i'm in my own space i'm not actually part of the oh right they don't they don't know where to deliver to yeah they always get lost so i'm imagining for some reason the most fascinating thing about this podcast is picturing your living

conditions i know i'm now imagining that they built, like, a skyscraper, but one of the floors, like, fell off the side. And they were like, ah, just stick a roof on that. That'll be a separate part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm right there with you. Can you look out your window? Do you smell smoke?

Is the door hot? I don't smell smoke. Do you smell piss? The building? No, I don't smell piss. I don't smell smoke. Do you smell piss? The building... No, I don't smell piss. I don't smell much anything, really. Do you have COVID? No, I don't think so.

That'd be bad. It's been a weird day to find out. You almost died in a house fire because you couldn't smell the smoke. Do you think that one of your neighbors was making desk dogs? I don't think... You know what?

Honestly, I feel a little bit bad because I set the fire alarm off on Saturday for a second time. Oh, why put this time? I was just trying to make some nice garlic bread. I felt like having a garlic bread night. And I did the risky move, I was cooking it on parchment paper and I tried to move it from the middle rack to the top

rack, get a little crisp going. A little nice and toasty. And I brushed the paper on the oven and the paper lit on fire and uh had to get that out i saved the bread most important part of the story but the uh alarm went off are we meant to believe that you cooked garlic bread in an oven in a kitchen i didn't hook it up to the corig or okay no no i didn't pull the Easy Bake out to get it going on my bed. I went to a real oven. And yeah, I can also use microwaves.

I'm very advanced. Did it feel weird to be in a kitchen and not your bedroom kitchen? No, not at all. I cook in the kitchen a decent amount. The whole I never spend time in my kitchen is greatly exaggerated. I just like adding convenience to my space when I can. I don't think that's crazy. Convenience like shimmying into your bed and sleeping next to a

keyboard well okay that was that was i got a ps2 and it wouldn't connect to any of my monitors but i have this old 50 inch tv that had the the red yellow white cables and but i don't have anywhere to put it so i just have a 50-inch TV on my floor, and I have to just drag it down the room. Like a 50-inch CRT screen, or like a flat one? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's like a flat one, but it was kind of a newish, like when they were new, so it still has those output cables.

Like composite? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But then I also still have the structure for when i used to have to set up a like a pillow for it to record so i still have my cabinet there too so i have to kind of go between the cabinet and the 50 inch whenever i try to get in the bed i need to move one of them god damn it's an obstacle course you need a studio apartment that's what that's what your life you think so is leading towards yeah day. Maybe that'll be the dream.

That'll be the peak. Just everything in one room. Yeah. This is incredible. Just yelling in the middle of space. I imagine you get the apartment from big. Where you've got vending machines and a trampoline and just kitchen equipment all over the place. I'd love some vending machines.

That sounds good. How much is a vending machine? You can just buy those, right? You can absolutely buy them, and I think you should. What would you put in yours? Oh, I mean, peanut M&Ms, obviously. Yeah. It's on the list.

I think you'd want a variety of bags of chips and M&Ms. I hear sirens now. My building might actually be on fire. Ben's personally right back. oh i hear sirens now my building might actually be on fire oh i can hear i can hear sirens too hold on before you burn up though 3400 all right 3400 that's expensive but it's probably worth it it's an entire pantry right there that's all all the food you need how quickly would you make that back i guess you're getting like wholesale price on the stuff in it. And you're selling it to yourself. That's true. You wouldn't make it back. Did we lose Andrew?

Did he burn up? I think he's burning up. Oh man, that's rough. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout?

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I think he had a... He had a... Like a... Appointment with a urologist or like an anal fissureure something like that i don't know i think it was uh it was hemorrhoidal right like he has that chronic hemorrhoidal problem it was nice of him to forward his uh doctor's appointment to you just so you're in on it and then it uh well hippa you know and then it uh i guess it got infected from the duty from the bad duties and

then uh yeah and then i think they created some sort of a fissure or uh like staff infection type thing and so he needed to go get that lanced i think what they have to do is they have to go in right near his anus where the it's almost like a boil and they have to lance it and they there's like they're gonna be a lot of pus in there dude oh god and they squeeze all lance it. And they're going to be a lot of pus in there, dude. Oh, gosh. And they squeeze all that out. And then they have this long, thin string. Because it creates an abscess inside of his butthole. Or next to the butthole, right?

It's not in his butthole. It's near his butthole. And they have to pack it with gauze. So it's like this long, thin gauze that you stick in there. Because that's to help it heal naturally and not get infected. And then they have to pull the gauze out like every 48 hours or so which is super painful and then pack it in with new gauze until his butthole the I guess like the abscess slowly heals from the inside and pushes

the gauze out until he doesn't need it anymore and then he'll be fine he'll be back for the next one though in 40 minutes wait wait wait a second wait that was about me we're talking about me and where i'm talking about somebody else oh okay that's great hey are you okay you alive what's going on yeah i mean i smelled a little bit of smoke but i'm sure like it's fine i don't think i don't think it's an issue. I think I'd smell a lot more smoke. The fire alarm's still not going off, right? No, it stopped.

And the sirens have stopped. Yeah, the sirens stopped, so I think I'm good. I face myself. It's about time. Proofing the previous episode that went up, where Andrew just did a bunch of cyberpunk spoilers and I realized that I'm going to have to listen to that because no other bastard gives notice on these if there's like a glaring error I'm going to have to

listen to the spoiler. Got it spoiled for me in post. Just beat the fucking game real fast. I'm on the last mission. I've done everything in the game with the exception of one glitched mission so now I have to beat it. I got nothing left to do. Speaking of previous episodes that that reminds me thank you gavin because i want i want to clean some stuff up from the last one we recorded um i told a story about how i spent the year 2000

christmas eve watching uh triple x went very into detail about it a fond memory of mine triple x came out in 2002 i was just way off i don't know i don't know how nobody i typically that'd be like a thing eric would notice i feel like i just had the year completely wrong i have no clue how i spent the year 2000 christmas eve wait so wait but you said christmas eve so was it new year's eve or christmas eve or new year's eve i just missed so you have no idea how you rung in Y2K? No clue at all, but I am so confident in that recording of how I did it, and I've spent my entire life thinking that's how I did it. You had a screener. Before they shot it. I did.

I did. I had a two-year screener before they shot it. The second thing i wanted to bring up relating to that was i was talking about elevator buttons and my confusion with them i feel like i did a bad job explaining it so i wanted to give a visual example of what i was talking about that is what you were talking about yeah but you see how like it goes one three five seven nine on the left side and then two four six eight ten on the right if we're playing a 4, 6, 8, 10 on the right. If we're playing a game or just how my brain views this, if they say, okay, you're on the 10th floor,

go to the floor below you, I will click the 8th button. I'll go down to 8. I won't go down to 9. But in the right picture, they're flipped. So would you think that the 4th floor is right below the 2nd floor? In the flip scenario, if I was on the fourth floor, my brain would break.

They'd go down a floor. I'd probably click two and be very confused. Or I'd click six. I don't think I've ever seen the flipped scenario where the numbers go down. That's ridiculous. I also don't think... You did a poor job explaining this

very simple concept at all. Totally got what you were saying. OK, I was just there been a few weeks where I feel like I was very clear and there was a lot of confusion. So I just want to clear up, give a visual example. Well, speaking of past episodes, I think there are two things we need to deal with that are important house cleaning issues. And and I'm afraid if we don't do it right now, we'll pump it to the next episode, which isn't a big deal for us because that happens in 20 minutes. But for the audience, it'll be another week. We need to pick a fucking baseball card that is going to be the object of our focus. And based on the Slack conversation we had earlier and what I'm a little concerned about, we also need to address the autographing of the insert cards that go with the new black baseball bats

we bought. Agreed. I think we do the baseball card first. Okay. Do the baseball card first. All right. I kind of, I looked, I feel like picking a very specific Zimmer card might be tough. There's not a lot of Zimmer manager cards on the market. I feel like it just needs to specifically be a manager Zimmer card. So you think it could be any manager Zimmer card? Any Zimmer zone manager card, I think is acceptable because there's not a lot. He has a lot more player cards than he does manager cards. From what I can tell, he's only got cards 88, 89, 90, 91 and 92 are the player cards. Of those, I thought 90 and 91 were the funniest.

Or 91 and 92 were the funniest. But if that's the way you want to go with it, that's fine. But I will say that opens this, that takes us from potentially about 3 million available cards to probably more like 12 million. Which maybe that's a good thing.

Well, you say that. There's not actually that many available to get. How would we find these cards? Another thing that's a good thing well you say that there's not actually that many available to get like is how would we find these cards like they remain another thing that's annoying uh well they're they're so common that they're gonna be like in common boxes at card shops it's like it's like when you go i don't know if you've ever done this if you ever went to card shops when you're a kid but you go to the card shop or the comic shop and there's like the bargain box that's got like 99 cent cards they They're all in there. But I have also looked it up on eBay and some motherfuckers

somebody is selling a 1991 Topps Desert Shield Don Zimmer PSA 10 for $900. So are you serious? But most of them are about a dollar to two dollars. Is that the most expensive Zimmer? Oh, it has to be, dude.

It has to be. And that's only because that Desert Shield thing was like a special super limited thing. If you want to do all the Zimmer cards, just get a Zimmer manager card. I'm okay with that. Gavin, how do you feel? Do you want to go Zimmer? And if so, do you want to go all manager cards or just one? Does it have to be a

card? Could it be a book? We could buy every copy of his book. Andrew said he wrote a book i thought it was amazing what the hell is that book about i have no clue i couldn't care less this is like that's a great book cover i would buy that book i'm gonna guess it's about baseball you think so why is don zimmer i think is he a violent guy because i also I shared that photo of him just fighting somebody on the field for reasons I don't know. I'll post it in the Discord.

Maybe my favorite Don Zimmer photo. It looks like he's losing. He's just attacking a man. Oh, he's definitely losing because he's fucking 80, but the fact that he's trying to throw hands with this guy, I love it. Also, his center of gravity, it looks like it should be really good

because of his very low-hanging crotch, but his hat is being pushed into his eyes. Where's that from the Red Sox? It looks like he's losing a fight with Ed Helms. I didn't think about that. It's really embarrassing to have your own hat weaponized against you.

It's like when Jackie Chan would pull people's shirts over their heads and then punch them through it. But it's like a baseball manager equivalent. It looks like somebody's beating up Ed Asner. Oh my god. It does. It does. There's no indication that that's Don Zimmer. He can't see shit.

The hand on the back of the head too. It's not even a shove away. It's like he's squeezing his head like an egg. He's got complete head control. Don Zimmer's just desperately trying to feel. I wonder if the whole fight was like that or whether that was an unfortunate still picture. I would love to see that entire fight.

I think that's the probably before things went wrong. The next picture is him just on the ground. He's like clutching his heart. Oh, is that Pedro Martinez? That is Pedro Martinez. That's great. This is the book cover. Yeah.

I just, I don't know, like, he's relaxed on. You're playing baseball. I don't know what we're doing. All right, how about this? I'm going to go a couple ways with this. Ultimately, yes, I think it could be a book. I think maybe we just say that as of this moment, F*** Face, we rule the domain of Zim,

and we just, all things Zim. And we just... All things Zim are considered face collectibles. But there is a little bit of power into specifying. If only for... I realized the thing we could game today that doesn't make any sense really,

but I bet would confuse a community. The number one place to go to read about baseball card news, basketball card news, is a website called Cardboard Connection. I go there all the time. They have a What's Hot section that shows the top 10 hottest players

across sports. Right now, number one is John Morant. Number two is Connor McDavid. Number three is Tom Brady, obviously. And if you click on the real-time hot list to see how they get it, it's sorted by how many people are watching a certain card on eBay. Like there's three, like on baseball,

the number one hot baseball player on the site is Mickey Mantle because there's 310 people watching this Mickey Mantle card. That would be a really easy, funny thing to game where if suddenly sites like Cardboard Connection... Everyone's watching the same card. Everybody's watching Don

Zimmer's 1991 Tops Manager card and nobody knows why. So just something to think about. The problem is that card like this unless we do like the desert shield because what if the card sells then the listing goes away right that'd be my yeah but most of the listings are like seven day listings okay so we're going for like a very specific moment in time we have a week of zimmer taking over or just say, we just declare war on all things non-Zimmer related.

And we just say like, if you're a face fan, go to the streets, shout Zimmer from the rooftops, fucking watch every Zimmer eBay auction, talk about Zimmer all over the place and just like do a full frontal assault on Zimmer across the board.

And instead of localizing it to one card, we just like, we just, we just awake the zimmer kraken as it were i feel like he would support the largest assault we can i would also just like to throw into the mix that he wrote a second book and uh it's just as good it's like he's the zen of zim baseballs bean balls and bosses which is a great continuation and he's it's like he is you've witnessed him strangle somebody to death and he's

telling you to not yeah is the expression he has in his face forward by lou panella i love it oh so then is zim also on the thing i think it's a way better book title i don't know what i think the a baseball life is probably the funnier cover but the zen is in baseballs bean balls and bosses it's just fantastic so can we just say all things zim then just go with that see where it goes it's pretty broad but i mean from what i can tell there's two books and four baseball cards in circulation so i I don't know. I think get watching. It has to be.

I really like your idea. Yeah. Maybe watching is better because that's just like a click. Yeah. Right. Because it would be if we did a book, it would be like people have to buy the book because it would be funny to try and get it. I think you may be overestimating how many face viewers have an eBay account.

Maybe. Maybe. That's not 2003. That's a great point. That's true. It's totally possible. Although I'm on eBay seven days a week now. Thanks to... Jeff is buying a towel. Oh, yeah.

I guess I am. A towel? Yeah. It's a tool of the trade, Gavin. Don't ask questions. I'm buying... I bid on a Marcus Smart rookie card. And you know how they have, we talk, Gavin, about relic cards. Well, they have like a little bit of jersey or a piece of shoe. Well, this one is just a towel. But it's called a tool of the game.

And Andrew takes umbrage with the idea that a towel is a tool for a basketball player so it's uh it's a ridiculous it's very ridiculous they they clearly just wanted to put something in that had no value yeah we'll give you a towel you pose with this towel we'll cut it up it's fucking it's like it's one step up from a sock and I say that as a man who's had a rich history of sock. Yeah. Okay. Nobody would challenge that. So I feel like we're more confused than we were when we started.

I do too. We have so many good choices. I just think some Zim baseball cards, if you can collect a Zim, as many as you want. I do think we'll have more success if we pick one. Well, maybe the Instagram. if we pick one. Well, maybe the Instagram, we can pick one in the Instagram. We'll let everyone know.

That's a good point. Because by the time this comes out, any listings from now will be over. So we need to, we need to sort of do it at the time this posts. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a great,

that's a great call. Let's do. So when this comes out, follow, go to face pod on Instagram and the the official zim uh card to hunt will be there how about that all right and then and then nobody then nobody will do it and it'll fall flat on its face that'd be funny i'd like that more be completely honest jeff that uh i was surprised when you told me the price of that Zimmer card, because I had

thought about I looked into I searched Don Zimmer manager cards on eBay and there are like 20 cards. And I think the most expensive one under those search terms is like 50 bucks. Maybe I thought about buying every Don Zimmer card just to hoard the supplies before we even started. Didn't do it, but I considered it. I thought the only one that considered it trust me you're also looking to buy just to own the market i'm in the market yeah i'm gonna i'm

in the market for some i'm gonna do uh i'm gonna do this gonna be the next game stop play right here it's gonna be down summer cards yeah exactly i wanted to own all the shares oh my god uh before it became uh other thing we gotta do is we gotta, so we're getting 300 I thought it was 400, but it's 300 Andrew bats made. Black bats. Yeah, but there are 400 cards though. I don't think the bats necessarily matter. I think we do all the cards. We do all the cards.

So some people... I think so. But the cards are paired with the bats. I see. I understand that. It's just an annoyance thing. Okay, so we get 400 cards made. I last that. It's just an annoyance thing. Yeah, okay. So we get 400 cards made. I last time signed 50 cards, and then I hand-burned 50 bats. I'm obviously not going to ever do that again,

or at least not today. But we do need to have somebody sign those cards. Mallory wants to know how to split it up. Andrew had an idea. Would you like to present us with your idea, Andrew? I feel like the best... If we're going to distribute it, we should had an idea. Would you like to present us with your idea, Andrew? Oh, I feel like the best, like if we're going to distribute it, we should do it in a content way.

So I thought it could be fun. And I haven't even told you guys about this. I had this idea later. We would do a vote because voting really popular right now. That episode just aired with the vote. I was surprised how many people think I was solely the blame.

I think that's a ridiculous thing. But voting is really big right now. So I figured could all vote the three of us could vote and we'll distribute it in 399 and one so whoever has the majority vote for this will have to sign 300 of those fucking so so the next two will move on to a pick a number game that's's interesting. So you're creating a scarcity. You're essentially creating a parallel model here where somebody will sign 300 of the base card and then somebody will sign 99 of the SP card or the rare print card and the short print card and then somebody else will sign one SSP card

or super short print card. Okay, I love this idea. Exactly, that's a great thing to bring up. Yeah, that was something i forgot to even mention there's sort of that natural you know limited quality to cards when you have a variant so it creates that on top of we get the screws so how do we vote it'll be fine so that's what i was thinking initially i was going to say that we submit uh eric is now here i didn't expect eric to be here he said he was gonna miss back from the doctor so i was gonna say hey how's that welcome eric real fast how's the uh how's the issue that gavin was describing to us that you got checked uh it so it's been i guess you could say it's been worse but now

the doctor helped make it better but it's not all the way done. He repacked the gauze. See, that's what I was telling you about, Gavin. You have to pack the abscess with gauze to keep it from festering on the inside. I love, by the way, how you just continue to roll with that, Eric, even though Jeff addressed you by his dog's name.

I did. I said arrow, but I meant Eric. Yeah, no, I got it. It's just like, I don't know how your brain works. I assume that's the synapse fired and got close enough. Close enough. Close enough. You're right. That's 100% correct.

It's all about intent. So we're voting here? Is that what? So yeah, so this is what I think we could do. This is what I think makes the most sense. We'll go Jeff, Gavin, then myself. Jeff and I will go. We'll go Jeff Gavin than myself Yeah, Jeff, and I will go we will deafen ourselves Gavin you make your vote you see what I actually voted for in the general

Who will vote or who will have to sign three hundred of the carts? That's raised the phase one is this so Jeff and I will deafen ourselves so we can hear you say who you're voting for Then you just post in general that you voted then you deafen yourself jeff you undefin yourself you say your vote and then i'll do the same and we'll just go through and then eric can tell us what the votes were because all right so i'm gonna take my i'm gonna take like my headphones off right now then and when gavin makes a why would you take there's a no no yeah there's there's a button you definitely oh okay i'll see that you've done it. Okay. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

So I'm gonna Deffin. I vote Jeff. Okay. Okay. Okay, so Gavin has voted. Okay. And now Gavin, you Deffin. And now it's my turn to vote?

Yeah, go ahead and vote. Okay, I vote for Gavin. Okay. And you can Deffin now, Jeff. Okay, Andrew, who do you vote for? Okay, well, here's the thing. I orchestrated all of this. I made a private text deal with both Jeff and Gavin to vote for the other guy.

The thing is, since I organized all of this, the most obvious face thing to do would be they both vote me because then I just fuck myself and created this whole situation where I now have to do the most work. So it really becomes a question to me, assuming they both are going with the deals we made of who do I want to go in the next round against? And I'm going to have to say Jeff, because the man can't even put on socks. He's incapable of cutting his nails. So your vote.

So assuming this doesn't. My vote is for Jeff. Voting for Jeff. Yeah, but I see no way in which they don't just ignore the deal we made and vote for me. OK, so your vote is for Jeff. My we made and vote for me okay so your vote is for jeff my no my vote is for gavin your vote sorry okay vote is for gavin now your vote is for it was so when i asked you three times if your vote was for jeff and you said yes every time i

wasn't yeah that was not your vote i wanted no vote is for gavin i want to take jeff with me to the next round assuming okay so so your vote is for gavin my vote is for Gavin. I want to take Jeff with me to the next round, assuming that they didn't go against our brand. Okay, so your vote is for Gavin. My vote is for Gavin, yes. Okay, you're locked in. I've let them know to undefin. I'm undefin. That took so fucking long, and then when I asked him three times,

is this who you're voting for, he told me yes over and over, and then I said, are you sure, and kept going, and then he went, wait, hang on going and then he went wait hang on and then he changed alright hold on before we get any further

in this so we've all voted for round one this is for the sap sucker idiot who's gonna have to sign their name 300 times right yes I also noticed we're at 53 minutes don't you think this would be a great place to end the episode cliffhanger? Cliffhanger?

Wow. Have we ever done it? Have we ever done it? I've never done it. What an unsatisfying ending. Yeah, I feel we have to reveal this vote. I think we will reveal this vote next week. I don't know.

Wow. No, because what if... Here's the thing, Jeff. The problem with that fucking vote is we don't know... We don't know if it's split. I mean, we could have a tie vote. It's true, but it's only annoying... It's only going to be a problem for the audience.

We're going to find out the answer immediately. That fucking sucks. It doesn't inconvenience us in any way whatsoever. It only... I don't know. I think that's placing the audience on the wrong side of the face. Yeah. Okay. I feel like we got to... All right, well audience on the wrong side of f*** face. Yeah. Okay.

I feel like we gotta I feel like we gotta get this. Wait, wait, wait. Can we take a vote on if we should reveal it now or in the next episode? Alright, you guys deafen. No, there's no deafening. You can just

tell us. No, don't deafen! Alright, so yes, it No, there's no deafening. You can just tell us. No, don't deafen. All right. So yes. What does the vote mean? Is yes, we reveal or yes, we hold? Yes, we reveal. What? Okay.

Do you want to reveal the vote now or next episode? All right, Gavin, go. Well, wait, just before we... Well, Andrew, go. What? Go ahead, Gavin. Is it public vote? Yeah, public vote.

Absolutely. I vote we do it this episode. Okay, Andrew. I vote we do it this episode. Okay, Jeff. I vote we do it this episode. You vote you do it this episode? Yeah.

What was the point of all this? Well, I was already outvoted. Two to one. Dude, I'm in this. I have a vote. We should have deafened. And, and, and. Jeff, I have a vote.

Oh, okay. Well, hold on, though. But then, here's the thing. I was only going down this road playing devil's advocate because Gavin liked the idea. All right, let's reveal it now, apparently. Jesus Christ. Okay, one second. Wait, what would you have voted for?

Do we have... I would have voted for whatever Jeff voted for, so that way it had to come down to Ben, a guy who is just here to record the episode. I vote no. I vote no. It's too late. The vote has been cast.

It's way too late. It is way too late, Jeff. Do we have a decisive vote on... Hey, before you get to the vote, can I reveal a secret that I bet you guys didn't know? Yes. While we've been sitting here this entire podcast, I ate an entire salad,

and I don't think anybody heard me or knew it. I think you're out of your fucking mind because I was going to come on earlier and just say, why are you eating on the podcast? Yeah, there was definitely one thing you said that was like... You know. You timed the rest of the chews pretty well, thing you said that was like, you know. You timed the rest of the

chews pretty well, I gotta say. Thank you. All right. Andrew, continue. No, I think we're waiting for the vote now. Oh, are we doing? Okay, so. Which vote? This is the vote for who is signing the 300. Who's signing the 300?

Okay. Now, Andrew took a very long time and had a lot to say because he took, apparently he had secret text messages with both of you to figure out what this was. Yeah, I assumed as much. Ultimately, I will reveal that the person who will be signing the 300 cards is Gavinavin oh that's uh oh that's a knife in my back from andrew pantin um i guess it wasn't undeserved entirely but now that is i will say phil go back that is phil listen to this episode when you can when kelly posted for us

which is editing because he said said Jeff's name three times, and I kept saying, so you're voting for Jeff? And then at the third time, he went, oh, wait, I meant Gavin. I rephrased the question in my head. I thought you were asking who do I want to, like, who am I voting to take with me to the next round? Why would that?

I know. I know it's stupid. Listen, I apologize, Gavin. It deals with both of you. I honestly assumed you would both just vote me because that'd be the biggest face because I organized this and that would go No, I was I was going along with our usual 37 episodes of somewhat of an alliance and it's permanently Gone the bridge now loaded. Okay. No you stabbed me in the back twice first debatable recently second of all it is debatable we're doing a number guessing game next and jeff can't put on his

fucking socks there's no way that he's gonna remember what numbers he said i just felt like you'd be better at the next game even though it's a game of complete luck you took me out of it i felt like yeah yeah i'm going against jeff because I think you'd be better at it. Oh, I see what you're saying. And I don't want to do the 99. I ideally want to only have to sign one. So that was mainly why I went against you.

It deals with both of you. I thought a lot about it and I determined that with Jeff's sock issue, he would be less of a competitor in the random... But now I've got to ask, Jeff, why?

Why me? Thanks for listening to F*** Face, everybody. Tune in next week to find out who signs the 99, who signs the 1, and why I voted against Gavin. Although I would think that the answer would be pretty clear. Hey, if you want to support us in a dollars and cents

kind of way, maybe buy a fuck hat. Or keep your eyes open for a black baseball bat. Are they back in stock? Or maybe buy a fuck hat or keep your eyes open for a black baseball bat. Are they back in stock? Or maybe buy a Gerpl shirt or Ian Pocket T or, I don't know, buy a product from one of the people we do ad reads for. Or maybe just

set your money on fire and take a picture of it. Don't do that. Anyway, five stars, rate and like and subscribe and ring the bell and say hello to the bell and the bell is your friend and Apple iTunes podcast. Bye.