Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 1

Episode Date: January 16, 2022

'Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 1'The first in a series of special 'Best of...' compilation shows as we gear up for the return of series 4 proper. A hand crafted selection of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger. Enjoy! (Rate and review) TRACK LISTING:1. Tik Tok: Katherine Ryan (Series 1 Episode 1)2. Curry-Gate: Jon Richardson (Series 1 Episode 2)3. Curry-Gate - The Remix: Lucy Beaumont (Series 1 Episode 3)4. Breast feeding failz: Ellie Taylor (Series 1 Episode 7)5. Twin Town: Jack Dee (Series 1 Episode 11)6. Patriotic Poop: Daisy May Cooper (Series 1 Episode 13) 7. Milk Tray Incident: Shappi Khorsandi (Series 1 Episode 14)8. You've Already Got Your Leg On: Alex Brooker (Series 1 Episode 15) If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe. And you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell, Volume 1. And kicking things off, our first ever guest, Catherine Ryan, discusses her daughter's TikTok obsession. My screen time at the moment is an absolute disgrace. Yeah. My screen time last week was eight hours and then it dropped to five hours this week. And I genuinely felt like I had

achieved, like I'd climbed Everest to just do five hours a day on my telephone. Telephone? Who am I, a Victorian? What's your screen time at the moment, Catherine? It's bad, bad but I read I don't think that I'm doing you know nefarious activities on the phone all the time it's not all social media I read all my news articles on there I subscribe to all the newspapers I am reading I use it like a kindle I try to read but then I just end up immediately going back onto TikTok I can't I can't with TikTok I'm obsessed with it I love it and I don't know why I don't on. I can't. I can't with TikTok. I'm obsessed with it. I love it. And I don't know why. On paper, I shouldn't. No, I don't know. I think it's about your level, Rob. That's about my vibe, isn't it? Bit of TikTok, bit of Lego, bad.

I live like a teenage girl. Well, this is the other thing with TikTok that's so annoying, and you should like it. I mean, I love the idea that 10 year olds are moving around and dancing, but it's constant. So they'll be on TikTok learning dances. But even once the phone is put away, my daughter will walk into the kitchen for snacks and she's TikTok-ing. All she wants to do is watch the older girls on TikTok and learn the dances that they're doing and then emulate those dances in a crop top. And I've studied TikTok because I'm trying to bond with this child. I used to have a two-year-old girl and she liked me very much. And now I have to reach out and basically watch these jailbait 15-year-olds doing sexy dances, doing the splits. I have to learn those dances.

I made a list of how to be successful at TikTok based on what I've learned. And I've tried to feed this back to Violet, but it's a terrible list. All you want to do is you need good lighting, really nice, straight white smile, and you need to get your ass out and be flexible. And that's it. Well, I'm one ass away from being successful on TikTok by the sounds of that. What you don't realize is they are like proper celebrities in that world. So if they went to an event where there was loads of kids that age, there would be people all over them going, oh my God, can I have a picture of that at 15? It's like they're megastars in a cult.

And I am ashamed to say that pre-lockdown, I would travel around the UK with my daughter and go to a travel lodge in Milton Keynes to hang out with TikTokers for like a five-hour meet and greet. Oh, wow. How much would that cost? It costs, I think, 20 pounds each, but then there's loads of merch there that you're railroaded into buying. There's no performance element. They don't do anything. And they're lovely girls, but they just have like a step and repeat, you know, that branding board in the back. And they stand there and the children cue to hug them

and record a quick TikTok where they stick their tongue out. And then they resume and they cue again to do the same. And it's really a weird, you wait. I don't know what it's going to be when your daughters are 10. I know. Oh, no. It's only five years away for me. It's like we weird, you wait. I don't know what it's going to be when your daughters are 10. I know. Oh, no. It's only five years away for me. It's like we're in Black Mirror, isn't it?

I can't believe how out of the loop I am when you describe that. Am I old? No, you are peacefully unaware right now and enjoy this time because we all have different struggles at different stages of parenthood. And this is the one I'm in right now and enjoy this time because we all have different struggles at different stages of parenthood and this is the one i'm in right i'm very ashamed to say that i paid a teenager 800 pounds to visit my house last june did you because she's on tiktok yeah so did i but i got it out the papers so you got you paid a tiktok like basically a corporate appearance fee to come to your daughter's house?

Exactly that. It was the only thing Violet wanted for her birthday. She said, well, you get this TikToker to come to the house. Wow. And I said, all right. So I reached out to this teen. It felt very dirty, just a teenage girl. I was like, how much is it going to cost me to get you come dance in my kitchen?

How much is it going to cost me to get you to come dance in my kitchen? I think it's a weird thing where me and Joshua at this stage now, where the kids are really young, and we sort of feel quite young still, like, oh, we sort of know about cool stuff, but we don't. We're completely oblivious. It's only when your kids get a bit older, like your daughter's 10 now, that they bring you into this new world. You go, oh, that's what's going's going on we're in this weird fellow period where we don't know what is cool or what is popular and then you get brought into it by your kids do you think my parents were thinking about like we're talking about tiktok and they were talking about

that like about like gladiators or like all josh wants is to meet jazz in a mall i spent 300 quid on getting shadow to come around for the afternoon to it with a massive cotton bud that was a brilliant katherine ryan if you want to listen to the whole interview you can find it right at the start series one episode one that and the rest of the clip details can be found in the episode listing. Up next is comedian John Richardson and the perils of trying to make food that both he and his daughter enjoy. Good afternoon, John Richardson. How are you?

Yes, I'm very well. How are you? Yeah, we're all right, aren't we? Yeah, we're fine. I think we're good. Do you want to just take me through? So you've got one, you've got a daughter. We have a daughter who's three years old. Three years old. About three and a half.

Proper three-nager, which is the term that I've been taught. Proper, bolshie, won't do what she's told. But in a sort of witty, you know, both of us are comics. So yeah, she's learned how to use humor as a way of deflecting from being an absolute pain in the ass can't criticize her for because that's the one thing i've taught her i mean we just i mean to let you into what's happening it's what is it half past one i'm having a beer because lunch was just an absolute nightmare we We had a nice morning. We went for our walk, came back, cooked a lovely curry,

no spice in it so that Elsie could have some, put it down in front of her, just went absolutely apeshit, wouldn't touch it. And I've had a few meals where I've said, look, you know, we need you to eat and we need to understand what meal times are. And today I said, I like this curry, so I'm going to leave you with your mother and you can do what you need to understand what meal times are. And today I said, I like this curry, so I'm going to leave you with your mother and you can do what you need to do.

And I'm going to eat it in a different room because I'm sick of you ruining my meals. And you had your bland curry on your own. I chopped some chilies in mine. I put some coriander in it. All the stuff she doesn't like that I omitted to handcraft a meal for a child that is now halfway through some fish dippers and waffles. Do you think maybe you'd made her carry too bland?

She said there was pepper in it and there isn't because I... Fuck the fucking thing. But you can't say that to a three year old, can you? I know exactly what's in it because I put it in there. What I'm learning is when the rage kicks in instantly, that's my fault, not hers. So when she says that and I say, oh, look, I promise you there isn't, come over here and I'll show you the ingredients. And look, you helped me, didn't you? Because you did the mushrooms.

That's rational. Good, daddy. The minute the reaction to that is, there fucking isn't any pepper. When that thought comes to my head, I think, you need to go away now because she's bored of you as well. So I went in a different room and I think that was the right policy. Oh, that's nice. How's your beer?

The beer is cold and delicious and it's the first of, well, not many because there'll be this whole row to have again at tea time, won't there? What are you making for tea? Are you doing a lot of cooking? Yeah, food's my sort of go-to. I wake up in the morning and I need to know what we're having. So last night at quarter to 12, I suddenly decided we had to have Bircher muesli for breakfast.

So I was clattering around in the kitchen soaking oats um she didn't eat that either what she does she eats until she's not hungry she doesn't eat until she's full i don't know if you're experiencing this my i've got two and one eats the younger one eats everything and all the dinner really good the other one doesn't like you say we'll have one mouthful and goes oh i'm not starving hunger anymore i'm off and and then an hour later can i have a sandwich come to bread yeah i know but it sort of makes sense doesn't it when when oh i'm not starving hunger anymore i'm off and and then an hour later cover sandwich comes with bread yeah i know but it sort of makes sense doesn't it when when there's so many toys in the house that the sort of policy is well i'll just pick you know like when you're at a house

party you go i'll just pick at stuff yeah you can't explain to her you need to sit and continue to i know you know what it tastes like and you're not hungry anymore but the policy is you now shovel this gruel into your face until it slightly hurts i don't know if the words the policy is are going to be helpful to her she genuinely has picked up and it's one of those things you don't know you're saying it until they say it back to you she'll say now she'll say to me, okay, daddy, here's the deal. And then we have a negotiation. Here's the deal. I eat this waffle and then that's it. And then we can play. And you have to say, yeah, okay, fine.

John, with these deals, you've got to be prepared to walk away. That's the thing. If you're going to show any strength. I'm too prepared to walk away. That's the problem. I've got a little bit of a tip for trying to get to eat lunch because, like I said, mine don't really do it. Do a picnic buggy.

But what you do is make them a packed lunch, put them in the buggy with it, and then you walk for an hour whilst they eat their lunch. That is a good little tip, Rob. It's a lovely tip, but then you get to an age where she needs to learn to sit and eat a meal, you know, because this lockdown situation, she's not going to nursery anymore. A nursery was where she was learning learn to sit and eat a meal you know because this lockdown situation she's not going to nursery anymore and nursery was where she was learning you know you can be a bit of a prick

at home while we're eating tea but you can't if you're a mess around at nursery you'll get told off and you just won't get lunch well that was my i tell you that was my my saving grace whenever i did some bad like weak parenting was i'd always think she's picking it up at nursery so it doesn't matter if I drop the ball a bit she's eating great food at nursery so this cheese on toast is fine and now I haven't got that yeah but you worry too much because like when they go we've got to teach them to use a knife and fork no I've never met anyone at 37 you go to a restaurant they're just like shoveling soup up with their hands because they never learn like that

they will learn at some point do you know what I mean like the same with sitting down it's like you don't see like grown-ups at weddings

wandering about just eating a baguette because oh no this is what I did as a kid you meet someone he's like yeah I do want this meal

but you're right to push me around in a buggy while I eat it and because it's only fair and for the purposes of balance of course here's John's wife Lucy with her version of the curry gate scandal

He made her a corn curry with brown rice I mean I'm tapping out of that as an adult He never said that did did he, Josh? No, he said it was a lovely curry. It was a lovely curry for John. For someone who's trying to not like food. You can't expect a kid to eat that.

No, so she pretended that she wanted a poo and I made her chicken dippers. Does she play you off against each other then? Does she understand the different characters? God, she's so clever. She's been doing it, yeah. Me particularly, wrapped around it. She listens to John, he's the disciplinarian,

and me, I'm wrapped around her finger. I don't even realise I'm doing stuff and then before I know it, like a whole easter egg's gone and she's still in her pajamas and it's four o'clock are you you're the good cop then and John's the bad cop do you know what I think it is she sees me as like her older sister yeah like like a sibling it's it's hard my wife's a bit like that with the two girls and sometimes in the morning if it's her turn to get up with them and she goes in and they're arguing and fighting and she starts shouting I can't work out which one's my wife it just sounds like they're all the same

I've got three daughters I can't work out the voices oh god I do that with her socks. I can't work out whose socks are who. It's tricky. It's just no one can prepare you, can they? Like how it changes like your relationship and your home. Yeah. Is your home in a good state? Like John must be keeping it pretty sharp. It's all bollocks, this thing about him being tidy.

Is it? He's absolutely not tidy. No, no. It'll line up like tins in the fridge, but everything else will just be. And he's not clean. He doesn't hoover or dust or anything like that. It's all, I can't believe it. People think, oh, he must have a real tidy house.

No, I do it all. Do you? I do everything. Yeah, I do everything. Because he was quite angry about the strainer in the sink. Apart from that, yeah. That's his thing, is it? Yeah, we do argue a lot about stuff like that. But I think it's really good to argue, isn't it?

Yeah, I think you need it. When you hear a couple that doesn't argue, I find that very creepy. Do you know what's happening if there's a couple who isn't arguing? One of them's having an affair. In lockdown, that would be ambitious, though, wouldn't it? You only get an hour in the park. That's what doggers have been waiting for for years. The next highlight from the archives,

the brilliant Ellie Taylor runs us through some questionable breastfeeding training advice. How did you get on with that? Because Lou found that quite difficult with the breastfeeding stuff. Did you enjoy it or was it hard? Or what was your experience of that? For me, it was pretty easy at the beginning and it all came quite naturally and I was really chuffed.

But then I got mastitis a couple of times, which was like absolute hell. Oh my God. I don't understand what, what the fuck nature is doing. So the first time I had it, she was, she's seven weeks old. I'm recovering from a cesarean still. Like you're obviously at the lowest ebb you can possibly imagine. And then nature decides to infect one of your tits.

Sorry to laugh but it was i mean it was it there were always dark moments of humor in these situations and i remember like i've never been in so much pain and i was like hallucinating with this fever and we got a we got a breastfeeding coach to come around and try and sort of work out why i'd got mastitis and try and help the latch and she was this strange Russian lady and to try and sort of help me work out the latch she got she pulled out of her bag why I'm crying on the sofa in the most pain I've ever been in my life she pulls out an Elmo hand puppet and starts to sort of demonstrate the perfect latch with the Elmo puppet on my on my infected tit.

Oh, God. Oh, my word. At the time, I was... Are you sure this was... Oh, the days of pre-corona. Had it been disinfected? How many breasts had this Elmo been on? That's a way Linica of Anne puppets it.

How did you feel in that moment, Ellie, that you just sat there because i well i was i was you know very i was very vulnerable at that moment so i was like a lady what to do elmo will help me reflecting back on it that i was like what the fuck that almost got some stories to tell hasn't it bloody up can I throw some other options at you of what you would be accepting? Because you accepted Elmo as sort of a cartoon figure. If she just whipped out a ventriloquist doll, how would you feel? Because there must be a level of the cuddly toy you'd accept to do that. You know, go, hold up.

No, no, no, no, no. This is one step too far. If it had kind eyes, I'd let anything have a go at that point, I think. Fair enough. you're very vulnerable and did it work uh i got better and i don't know and then i got i got my status again and it was just sort of sort of part of shit i don't understand oscar the grouch around yeah big bird had a go on the other one that god cookie monster stayed at home yeah uh yeah so it was like i did like miss it though when i stopped breastfeeding i did miss it but

then i i got really quite i remember getting quite emotional like it's the end of our journey together i'm just gonna feed her one last time and then she started biting me and i was like oh do you know what i think we're done and it was less uh yeah it was less it was less sad to let it go but i didn't yeah i did still kind of miss it in a way although when i hear about some of my friends who are still doing it and their kids are 18 months old and like they're not sleeping through the night and stuff i'm like yeah i'm fine i'm farming bottles now thank you yeah yeah that is tough there's so much pressure especially if they're starting to buy it just tap out that's where lou did especially with my offspring you can't have them nibbling away and those genes.

Now it's time for comedy legend Jack D and his tale of the terror of twins. And they're twins, aren't they? So your two sons are twins. They're twins. They're both 22 and they're non-identical, so they're very, very different. So it's like, it's not like you've got two kind of identical freaks

going around the place. I couldn't have any telepathy and all that going on at the table. That would not work for me. If they had been identical, I think I would have just done eeny, meeny, minyy moe and sold one of them i just wouldn't want that going on would you it'd be hard you know they speak their own little language and everything oh what was the moment like when you realized that you were going to have three but now you're going to have four children well uh the the news was broken to

me actually by Hattie who's our eldest daughter she was then she was uh she was what six and I got paid I was working ITV and um uh I got paged to go to the front desk and uh when I turned up Jane my wife was there with Hattie and Phoebe our two daughters and my memory is Hattie running towards me with this photo, the scan photo, saying, there are two of them, there are two of them. Really excited because we hadn't found out until it was about a 20-week scan or something. And the guy doing the sort of thing, he said, oh,

have we told you if they're identical or not? And Jane said, what? And that's how we found out. You know, we're doing identical what are you talking about wow we were lucky there because we'd already had two children so we kind of knew a bit about how to look after babies and kids and stuff like that i think i've got friends and you probably know people as well who have twins first time round and i just don't know how they cope with

that because that is a bad enough shot with one of them isn't it you know one one baby will ruin your life what did two do at the same time two of them coming in i mean just awful so what's it like having twins so are you putting them down to bed at the same time and they're are you trying to bath is it all like you just try and double team them in that no they they would never they never they were never in sync uh they would look with each other they could never kind of like both be hungry at the same time both be tired at the same time they did shift work they were shift so it was 24-hour full on. You'd have one would fall asleep, the other one wake up,

and so you have to get them out of the room in case they wake the other one up. It really was chaos. In fact, a couple of times we just hired a nanny, me and Jane, and just went away to a hotel for the weekend to sleep. Yeah. Literally just a hotel down the road. It wasn't even a nice hotel. Just down there was an ibis down the road. We just't even a nice hotel, just going down there. There's an Ibis down the road.

We just went there to sleep for 25 hours. Was there a point, though, where you thought they might be identical? Because I swear all babies are the same. Was you just looking at them going, are you sure they're not? And then eventually they... No, one of them is quite a lot chunkier than the other one. Charlie comes out first and he's the big bruiser. He was taking up all the space.

And then Miles comes out and he's a little bit more sort of petite and small. But, you know, I mean, he's great. And then the doctor goes, right, let's see what number three is. And Jane nearly... Jane practically fell off the table. And go no just joking i said yeah all right all right just leave that to me yeah that is a great that is a great line though for someone i know but i felt i said i know the safe limits of humor in my household and you've gone way past it do they get on well then they do they do get on well because i. Do they get on well then? They do. They do get on well because, I mean, partly they get on well

because they're complete opposites to each other. And that, I think, is one of the sort of redeeming features if you have twins who decide not to be like each other or just aren't anyway. And they, right from day one, would not do the same thing as each other. So if they were doing the same homework, one would do colouring the other one decide not to color in and just you know scribble over it or something and it would just be it was always i will not do what he does and vice versa so they never they were never competing never trod on each other's territory so in that respect it's quite

good and i always think if you put them together you'd have the perfect human but they just have very very very very opposite views. Next up, it's Daisy May Cooper and her daughter's patriotic potty training. So, Daisy, what's your setup at home? What's your kid's setup? So Daisy, what's your setup at home? What's your kid's setup? So it's me and my husband and our two-year-old daughter who's just become a complete nightmare.

Oh really? Yeah, oh my God. During lockdown or? During lockdown, it's just got naughtier and naughtier and naughtier and naughtier. What kind of things? It's so weird. So she's decided um to use the

shed as like an outdoor privy and she's been taking that's why i was literally what was so mental is i'm losing my mind so much that i was looking up to see you know if kids have been reincarnated from world war ii and that's why she's any evidence to suggest she has well no the only evidence i have is she's ripping her nappy off uh she put she's bit she's done about three poos in the sheds and the latest one she was really proud of because uh for uh v day we had these kind of little cocktail sticks with little flags on them and uh that we had in cupcakes and she'd managed to find one of them in the garden and put it in her poo in the shed and then called me over to come and witness to come and witness it. And I just stared at it for about 30 seconds,

just in complete bafflement. Are you doing potty training then? We tried. She was brilliant before lockdown. She really enjoyed it. But now she just doesn't give a fuck. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. It's just horrendous.

What did you do with the kind of flag poo? Did you say that it was good or did you... Did it have a British flag in it? It had a British flag. Like a kind of Union Jack? Like we'd claimed it? Yes, that's exactly what it was. I just...

I stood in silence for about 30 seconds because it was like... In respectful silence to our flag. It's like something the far left would put on a poster about Brexit, isn't it? So are you still working at the moment? Is your husband working from home? What's that?

My husband's a landscape gardener, so he sort of can go out now and do sort of jobs and stuff. So I've been left at home with the devil child. I mean, I do love her very much, but it's just becoming, because she just doesn't understand why she can't go to the park or why she can't go see Nanny. She's so sick of FaceTiming relatives.

Oh, yeah. Now, it's just, and I'm just putting Bing on, and it's just on a constant, like a 24-hour repeat of Bing episodes. My daughter, who's two and a half, she's got no interest in FaceTime. So it just gets offensive to the relatives very quickly. It's so awkward. They go, do you want to speak to nanny no no i want paw patrol but nanny's here no paw patrol your nan no which one and then they go which one i go oh nanny sue nah what is it that matters don't do that don't ask which one and say no.

It's so true. And are you pregnant with your second as well, Daisy? I'm pregnant with my second as well. So, I mean, I haven't even thought about the second one. So how pregnant are you at the moment? I'm over, just over halfway. Oh, right. Oh, my God. I just want to drink. I want to drink so much. I can't. I was Googling how many, I mean, could I have three drinks if being pregnant?

I thought, oh no, I can't. I really can't. Your Google history is unbelievable at the moment, isn't it? Can a child be reincarnated from World War II? And can I drink when I'm pregnant? from World War II and can I drink when I'm pregnant? The penultimate track

on this volume is the absolute banger that is Milk Tray Moment by Shappi Kassandi. We had this incident that we still talk about, the kids and I. The first few days

of lockdown was the Milk Tray incident. Oh, wow. What happened in the milk tray incident well i was trying to make life golden and happy for my children still because that's what you do as a parent right you just try and make everything magical and then the first few days of lockdown i just um well we started cooking and eating together all stuff that I don't really do because I'm always out of work. And I got this box of milk tray.

And this milk tray box meant a lot to me because I went to the co-op to buy it when, you know, where you felt like you were putting your life in danger just stepping into a supermarket. Yeah. And I bought it and I, you know, left it for a couple of hours so it, I don't know, the germs ran off or whatever. So it stopped being a box of death. And then my son went to open it and him and my daughter

were squabbling over how to open it. And my son's like, he's really clever. And he's normally really careful with things, but he just ripped the top of the box off so you couldn't close the box again. He just ripped it open. Next thing I knew, it was in the bin. Like I put it in the bin. I just went, right, you're not having it.

You don't deserve, you kids have had everything given to you on a plate. I never had milk tray when i was a kid my parents had nothing we didn't have swimming lessons um but and all of this shit came out of like screaming at my kids at how privileged they are and how lucky they are to have a box of chocolates you know we had one chocolate once a year i was i was not really wonka charlie i was like charlie from charlie the chocolate factory just um hellish hellish it was awful how many days in was this i think it was day two and um how did they how did they react i mean they realized they were dealing with a mad woman.

Like they understood that this wasn't normal. And my son just, he's so polite and he's so calm. And he looked at me with like fire in his eyes. And he said, you are behaving really badly. They went up to their rooms and then I had to call them down and i sat down and i said listen sometimes like thunderstorms happen in my head and i can't normally i'd go out the house or i'd go up to my room or whatever but there's i i behaved very badly and of course i went out the next day and i bought another box of milk tray that we all quietly ate. None of us enjoying it.

And it's just sort of, yeah, the milk tray incident was bad. And that's when I thought, right, I need to meditate. I need to, you know, really look after my head. And finally, playing us out this episode is alex brooker with the pros and cons of parenting with a disability today it's been a big parenting day for me this morning um she's noticed my hand for the first time it's the first ever time my oldest today and she was kind of like she literally was going um daddy you've only got two fingers and i really want like technically it's free but two are stuck together but it's fine if you want to call it two

but it's the first time and like like it's one of those things where you know like obviously for me when i first went to like started thinking about having kids that was like a really big thing it was like i wonder how they're gonna find it she didn't give a shit it was like yeah obviously the youngest was that was the one that weren't having it because she let go of me and and then ended up facing and i feel like the eldest has seen that and thought yeah it's not an ideal hand to hold but it's better than nothing like the first i remember we first um when Mia was like a day old, I kind of went and met one of my mates at the pub quickly at lunchtime.

And I was like, how are you finding it? And I was like, mate, I just keep thinking I'm going to drop her. And he was like, well, everyone thinks that, doesn't they? What's the worst that can happen as soon as you have a new kid is you drop it. And that's like literally everyone kind of worries about it, whether you've got big, I'm sure David Seaman worried about it. Do you know what I mean? He was worried about being lobbed.

He was worried about the baby going over his head. Back peddling. I used to have really weird nightmares. I was holding the baby and then rolled over while I was asleep and slept on top of it. And then I'd wake up in the night and the baby's in the cot and I was nowhere near it. But these mad dreams, everyone feels the same.

They do. And like, do you know what? It was, as I said, the eldest, I feel like we're really making progress at the moment. She's got over like the hand thing very quickly. I was surprised that was absolute, you know, 20 years of my life worrying about nothing. But then, do you know what it was as i said

it's like quite a big thing for me today that it's one of those things that well i'll probably think about it a bit more like later on but yeah it was like i was genuinely up until today like really properly worried and also i have thought to myself more recently it's like you're nearly three and a half. You should have noticed. You can count now. We've done a lot of talking. You know, how many times have I sat you in front of the iPad and just put, like, the count in YouTube video on?

Does she notice the lag? Oh, mate, they love the legs. Because I've got three different ones, haven't I? So today, I had my blue waterproof on. And, like, so it's like a... I was going to say that. In a stream, there must be a rust risk. But if you've got a waterproof one...

Do you know what? When I did that swim last year, they gave me one for getting in and out of the water. So it's basically wood, which isn't the most flexible thing. But it was literally, for the first time, I've got like a wooden leg.

It's not like you imagine. It's not like a pirate. It does have like a foot on it. They got you a parrot as well well which is a bit insensitive she's obsessed because it's like really colorful and blue and that and she just like calls it daddy's blue leg i've taught her now to put my put my leg on sometimes when i'm like slobbed out on the couch and I've got my leg off I've like started to teach him it took me a little while with my eldest but

I've taught her to like what like different bits go together to her I think it's like a big bit of duplo yeah yeah you are really like a big bit of duplo that's that's how i view you yeah yeah best for under fours alex as as your disability stopped you doing anything as a parent like that you would have wanted to do the one thing which i'm still always like in the grand scheme of things this isn't like a big thing but the one thing i'm always slightly wary of is, you know, when you have parents and they have their kids on their shoulders or something like that. Yeah. We're not delving into that. We've given it a little go on the sofa.

And you just go, this is the juice isn't worth the squeeze for either of you. I'll be honest, Alex. I've got all the necessary limbs to do that and it's still an absolute nightmare and they launch themselves off and I've lost both my kids to terrible shoulder accidents in the bar. So it's probably best left.

We gave it a little go and I just said to just make sure you hold on to daddy's neck and I don't think she quite realises how important that bit of it is because I'm not really holding on to her but she's carrying everything for us and straight away we did it on the sofa we just fell backwards on the sofa I was like you know what well why don't we just let's give it let's give it something else but do you know what that's

pretty much if I'm being honest the only thing that I've like i've not really done on the flip side alex has um your disability enabled you to get out doing other things but it's a bit of a relief do you ever play it up so you go actually i don't think i can do this because you know the old hand and leg situation's probably best you do it have you ever have you ever got out of anything with that honestly if you ask my wife it's literally every single week i'll use it like my leg takes i reckon about three seconds to put on and the amount of times when like something will be happening i'll be like yeah but i ain't got my leg on have i as if it's like like and it's just that's like the ultimate excuse.

And she'll be like, well, yeah, but you can go and put it on, can't you? And it's like, well, yeah, but you're up and yeah. So you've got both your legs on. Thanks for listening. We'll see you again soon. For now, that's what I call Parenting Hell, Volume 2. We'll see you again soon For now that's what I call Parenting Hell Volume 2 people that love it so i think that you should come along and listen to it there's something for everybody it's been described as white noise for gays but also we had a lovely section about glade plugins so why don't you listen to it search like-minded friends wherever you get

your podcasts that sounded quite professional didn't it hello i'm tom crane and i'm simran shah and we're the hosts of the new food and comedy podcast, My Favourite Takeaway, where each week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest to share their favourite takeaway exactly as they normally have it. We'll be trying it all from Peruvian street food slouched on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa. To an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table. Via an alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden. And we also want to hear from you, the listener. Your takeaway disasters. Your weird habits. And your personal takeaway

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