Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell... Volume 11

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

We take a very short break during the summer holidays - a selection of some of our favourite chats about (mostly) parenting misadventures with previous guests…  We’ll see you in a week or so for the start of Series 9!!  Episode Playlist: Joe Wilkinson (S5 EP36)  Listen to Joe’s brilliant podcast Chatabix HERE  Fearne Cotton (S5 EP24) Dan Schreiber (S5 EP34)  Omid Djalili (S6 EP38) Natalie Cassidy (S6 EP52)  Listen to Nat’s brilliant podcast ‘Life with Nat’ HERE  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping.

And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] today. Get a Best Buy gift card of up to $200 on select phone activations with major carriers. Visit your nearest Best Buy store today. Terms and conditions apply. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett.

And I'm Josh Whitacombe. And you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell. Hello, Joe Wilkinson. You're all right. Sorry, I really feel like, no, I'm not going to say that. I need to belch. Oh, okay that on this well feeling if you're not only to belch If you need to Joe I'm not burping on your podcast You're in the bloody you're one of the biggest podcasts in the country deserve better. I'll do it It's um, it's about parenting. So we we're experts in burping You're right Sorry

You're right Joe. Yeah, sorry. I need to belch and I broke you need to belch Never had this before the star you in this morning. I've had a sausage Sausage and a cold sausage that was left over from yesterday. I can't get I genuinely can't go on until I've burnt Feels like dangerous but like I think I've got a bird and I need to burp. You've got pins and needles in your arm. I'm at the age where that is a worry. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Think of the numbers Josh. I've done it. I've done it. If he has a heart attack on air, you're right. That'll get you up the charts, wouldn't it? Not you needy at your pair of bastards. Anyway. Sorry, that's dumb. God, that really scared me a second there, wouldn't it? Not you need it, you pair of bastards. Anyway. Sorry, that's dumb. God, that really scared me a second, that did.

You're right. Yeah, just, so I felt like I've developed heartburn, I think, in the last few weeks. And Joe Lysett sent me a really long message telling me how to sort it. I think it's one of the sweetest messages I've ever had. He gave a blow-by-blow how to how to control my heartburn. We need to get that sorted Anyway, well Joe welcome to the show fully is for welcome Parenting hell and you so you haven't got you've got a stepson. Is that right? Yes. I've got a stepson and a stepgranddaughter Granddad Joe Stepgranddad stepgranddad Joe. Yes. Yes, and how old store stepson?

He's 36 Wow and Step granddaughter is eight So this is my question to Joe. Mm-hmm You are someone who I'd say is quite Hot they overthink they overthink everything they do yeah thank you yeah is that fair I think that's the fairest thing you've ever said and you've seen some fair things in you so I can't imagine you turning off your self criticism and just playing? I do weirdly. Do you? Is that when you finally let loose?

Yeah the curtains are drawn obviously. Yeah it's weird yeah I've never really thought about it but yeah it's just it um, is it the real me? It's let loose a part of you. Well, it's, it's, it's sort of playing games and stuff and you, it's fun, isn't it? And you go, no, you can, you can't worry who's watching because you can't, you can't stop the plan and going, hold on. I, I'm riddled with insecurities. Where did it come from good question I guess I'm very thin arms I was incredibly self-conscious about the age of I guess even now okay she's got

that's a good thing we play with kids though in it because you can just let She's gone over to granny P. That's a good thing with playing with kids though, isn't it? Because you can just let loose and be silly and no one can judge you because you're playing with the kids. Fantastic, yeah. You sort of want to be able to do that with your mates still, even though we're older, but you can't. I don't want to do that with my mates, Rob.

I want to have the relationship I have with my friends, as ease. I do not want to play a game where we have to first one to the dishwasher. No, I don't want to play that. I don't want to play that with Simon. David Earl. David Earl. David, I've got this idea. It's just an idea.

I'd want you to do that. I would make sure that never hit YouTube. Never. That's a very good question. I never thought sure that never hit YouTube. Never. That's a very good question. I never thought about that. Yeah, completely let loose. It is me at my freest probably. Is it? Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Fuck. That's really left me cold. Wow, I feel sick. Do you think of the games or does she think of them and then you play along? You just sort of a person to be marched around? Yeah, I am marched around. My other half is sort of like, she adores Petra and I'm a plaything. Petra's my other half. Yeah, Petra's my other half, her grandma. Yeah. She adores her like you know not even close to you know

I'm like second fiddle beyond that obviously but but she knows that she has complete and utter control over me. You know, like it's, like she knows she could, she sensed weakness very early on and she, she, she abuses that weakness to, to the full extent. So I've been on people on panel shows that were like that. I think it's quite easy to talk over Joe. I think it's quite easy to talk over Joe. I think it's quite easy to talk over Joe. So if Joe goes in for a bit, that's when you should... And this is people's agents. If you really want to get some stuff in...

The best advice I can give you is when they turn to Joe, get in, because he will crumble. Yeah, so yeah, I'm weak, basically. When they turn to Joe get in because he will crumble Yeah, so yeah, I'm weak basically so so I'm running about basically and They do get a bit clever. I they go beyond being little kids to quite manipulative in sort of a sweet way and You found yourself trying to sort of win a winner over I feel feel like I feel like the relationship is going to is fixed now. Like I'm sort of I've won her over, but I'm also like, have no control of anything that happens in my.

Does she respect you if you say don't do something? I can't imagine you telling off a kid. Well, as if if if if Petra's in sight. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because she sort of understands that I can go, Petra, I'm going to need you to stop that happening. I see you, sir. Yeah, because I have no...

But I have no authority. I've never... Have you ever had someone work for you like if you had a job because you have you both just done comedy really? No, no, I've done jobs, but I've always been you've been the underling I've been the other day I've never got to a position of no I've never been in a position of now I haven't and I wonder what that's like because I wonder if it's something that you can learn If you've sort of if you have to if you suddenly start running your own business or something. But I wonder if I could ever be taken seriously. Like, I do genuinely wonder if, like, if I ran, like, a proper company, I wonder if, like, the factory staff would still just walk past me.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck off off mate. I think I can have you fired. Yeah, go on then. I really want you to like me. So I think I'm just gonna lose money this year. I'll just lose money. Because we have tour managers, when you have a tour manager that's sort of someone working for you, slash with you. But I find that quite awkward because like I say, never been like that where you sort of tell someone like, not what to do, but you are going, I want to do this. Like, and you're sort of, I'm sort of paying you to manage my tour. And on this

tour, I want to leave tomorrow at 8am. However, that involves you having to get up and drive me at 8am. Do you want to do that or not? But actually I need you to do that because I've got to be London awkward yeah the thing about like agents and stuff like that they because we're because I think I can speak for all three of us we're cowards basically and I imagine you've occasionally gone I really need to leave at 830 for that that. So I'll just quickly talk to Jason, whoever your agent is and go, can you quickly send and just say, I'll need to be, I need to be gone by 8.30. Because you don't want the proper... Yeah, you don't want to do it direct.

It's pathetic, isn't it? And anyone who's straightforward about things like that, you respect, don't you? If someone comes to you and go, Rob, I'm'm gonna need you there at 8.30, sorry, because we need to be on the road by 9. You don't go, who the fuck are you? No, it's fair enough. You just go, fair enough, I've got all the information I need and I will be there at 8.30. Whereas me and you two go, oh, I can't ask someone to meet there at 8.30. That means they'll have to get up at 8. I can't be the person who's made them get up at 8. Fuck off. It's your tour.

And they'll have no problem with getting up at 8. Yeah, it's all in their own heads, isn't it? Pathetic, of course it is. Pathetic. I'm going to include you two, you pathetic bastards. Pathetic little boys. See Joe, this is the real you. Not the you that's going to the, running to the dishwasher. No God, no it feels good to be back. Thanks guys, I needed that.

Hello, my name's Joe Wilkinson and I do a podcast with David Earl, it's called Chatapix. Chatapix is a podcast, magazine and chat show, isn't it? We're on three times a week. We have loads of guests, special guests, surprise guests. Can I read some of the highlights? Yeah. Interviewing a Red Arrow pilot. Visiting a haunted house.

Chatting with Ricky Gervais, Harry Hill, James A. Caster and Katherine Ryan, amongst others. Backstage at the Blur concert at Wembley. And I met my hero, Andrew Roachwood, and I cried. So that's Chatterbix. D-H-A-T-A-B cried. So that's Chattervix. Josh, do you want to lead? Phone Cotton, hello. We do that every time. It's like, what goes into the intro? It's like, I literally say hello. That was the intro, hi. Well, there's

an intro beforehand. I know, I don't need two intros. No, I think it's embarrassing if you sit there while we go, Fern Cotton is a star of radio and television. As I vomit on the floor. How are you? Yeah, I'm good actually. I'm really good. I feel like a greyhound at the start of a race. I'm about to be let out. I've got so much to talk about. Oh, well get going. And've got so much to talk about. Oh, well, get going.

And also just, I love your podcast. So I've got, this could almost be a sort of like back in the day I did extra factor, like the extra bit of X factor. I feel like I could do an extra show of parenting hell. Parenting hell, the kind really? Yeah, like a debrief show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Parenting hell, the kind of really? Yeah, like a debrief show. Parenting hell's big brother? Yeah, I could do that and have guests on and we discuss what you've said. I could do that.

I'm like, do you know what? Don't rule it out, Fern. Don't rule it out. Oh, that would be terrifying. So we're just gonna talk about, you know, the Rob saying he had the shits last week. No, do you know what was really making me happy? So I haven't drunk in, like properly,

had like more than a drink. So I haven't had multiple drinks in the same day for about five years because of being a parent and I just don't wanna feel like shit. But the other day, I had an accidental drunken evening with my five best mates from school, they're like my my crew and we went for a casual dinner that went went very wrong and

the next day I had a lengthy drive home and I was listening to the hangover special episode Like there was like a visceral resonance to everything. Like Josh, even like the tone of your voice. Oh. It was everything. I was like, oh, thank you. Thank you, Josh. I don't know if I said on the episode, because I don't remember really, is that we were recording at 10 AM.

Did I say that I woke up fully clothed on my bed? Yeah, yeah. We heard it all. At 9.50. I don't even remember saying that. You sounded like absolute shit. Oh God. Yeah, you sounded awful.

You were like seriously parched. There was very little liquid in that hotel room. The fire alarm was going off. It was brilliant. I actually felt really good about my hangover in comparison to yours. I'm glad I could bring that to you. You did? Your USP, Josh, is making people feel better about their lives, which is terrible for you.

You do it so well. It comes so naturally. Let's hope I never find happiness. The whole country will be in trouble. Fern, how many kids have you got for the uninitiated? What's the kids set up? Well, I cover all areas here, the full spectrum. So we go, we'll start with my stepson, who's 20.

He's a man, actual man. Oh, 20. Actual six foot three man. Oh wow. Yeah, that's the whole thing. And then Lola, my stepdaughter, who's 17. Then we go down to Rex, my son, who's nine, and then my daughter daughter who's seven.

So we've got a whole cross section going on, yeah. So how old were your step kids when you first sort of met them and entered their lives? Five and nine, five and nine. So you've seen them from being little and now he is just a massive bloke. Yeah, yeah, like that's the crazy thing, especially with Lola, she was this tiny,

cute little blonde five-year-old, adorable, and now she's towers over me, can't fit in my shoes. She's like a woman. It's just the whole thing is mad. Oh wow. And do you, when you've got a 20-year-old stepson, are you still the stepmom? Are you now kind of almost just a kind of a

mate do you know I'm not cool enough to be a mate I mean there's still that sort of thing no when it's your kids or stepkids you you can't impress them it's it is impossible so I am just some sort of be a cool mum for surely if you're not what hope have we got no no, no. Absolutely. Josh is panicking. The rule stands for everyone. I am just an embarrassment and I can't impress them. I try and impress my stepkids. I'm like, would this be a cool thing to admit that I've interviewed this person?

Literally not interested. So no, I'm definitely not in mate territory. I'm still tragic stepmom, really trying to be cool. But also, I'm writing this on it, that their granddad is one of the coolest men in the world, right? Yeah, they do think he's cool, but he's like next level cool.

So that's, yeah. Who's that granddad? Ronnie Ridge from Rolling Stones. Oh yes. Ronnie Ridge, yeah. Ronnie Wood. So your, so however edgy your story is about going for a few drinks with your mates are, Ronnie Wood don't really touch. He can, he can quite literally trump any story that I tell. Does he do normal grandad things or is he not? Is it a different kind of role?

He's got, this is the other, our family's quite intense. So he's got five-year-old twins So my wow my husband who's 46 has got five-year-old sisters Has gone has got aunties that are five It's not Game of Thrones it is like Game of Thrones. It really is. It's quite extraordinary. So yeah, there's a lot to get your head around. I should have said Game of Thrones. That's really good. You've peaked five minutes in. We're doomed.

I'll tack out now. I'll jump in a bit. That'll do me for the day. Do the Step Kids help with the younger kids? We're doing an honest podcast. Yeah. Lola does. No. No, Lola does. Lola is really good. Arthur is in his last year of uni at Newcastle. He's having the time of his life looking after

his small siblings is not on the agenda. It's not high on the priority list. But Lola is very helpful. She'll babysit for us occasionally and she is just a very helpful person. So yes, one of them does. But I'm not dissing Arthur live on a podcast. Arthur is an amazing, amazing young man and I love him. He's just got other things on his agenda right now. When I was 20, there was no way I would have looked after a young kid. Absolutely not. No way.

Would you Rob? Are you all right? What's happened there? No, absolutely not. I've just dropped something. That's my wedding ring. It's your wedding ring? That sounds bad, doesn't alright? What's happened there Rob? No, absolutely not. I've just dropped something. That's my wedding ring. It's your wedding ring? That sounds bad doesn't it? That's ominous, yeah.

I've been so ho alone, let's lose it. Yeah, no, at 20 you don't want to be looking after young kids. I mean it's hard enough for us when there are kids, so why would he want to do that with his siblings? No. So at one point did you have teenagers in the house and then newborn babies? Small kids, yeah. There was a very intense period where Honey was a newborn, Rex was two, Lola was probably ten, I can't do the maths, or a bit older, and Arthur was

a teenager. I mean it was, I don't know how we did it. Like I look back and we take all four on holiday still every year, Like that is an absolute must. We've done it consistently for the last 12 years. That's not a holiday. No, why? Because they all want to do different things. I imagine that. Where do you go? What's where you go in on holiday to keep them all happy?

Do you know what? We've we do a lot of Ibiza because it does cover everyone. Arthur can go out on the piss, Lola can have nice little meals with us, the little ones have got a nice beach. But it is, like we'll be getting up super early still because obviously there's no line on a holiday and we want to go to the beach but then Arthur gets up and we're sort of having lunch. It's just, it's yeah, it doesn't work. Yeah, that isn't it's a spread isn't it? That's the problem. Yeah, it's really hard. So how does it work now? So Arthur's at uni. Yeah. And sorry, how did you say

Rex and Honey are now? Five and seven? Rex is no, Rex is nine and Honey is seven. Nine and seven. And so good ages nine and seven. I'm really right? Yeah. Yeah, it feels like I'm probably getting, because your kids are a lot younger, well not a lot younger, but they're younger, so it's still quite a lot of practical stuff, isn't it? I'm just coming out of that now.

So it's less labour intensive, but they haven't got the attitude yet. Well, Rex is on the cusp at nine. Already, yeah. Rex is on the cusp, he's ten in the new year, we're hurtling towards that teen thing and there's some sort of hormonal stuff probably going on. We're on the cusp, you know, there's like, you're an idiot, that sort of thing going on. You're an idiot.

How do you deal with that? Are you? Oh, not well. No? Not well. Who likes a little guy being called an idiot? I hate being called an idiot No, I don't deal with it. Well, I don't deal with any of it

Well, I think it depends doesn't it like some days when you're not tired You feel like yeah, I can really cope with the emotional hurdles here and then other days You just think I'm locking myself in a cupboard. I don't can't deal with it. It's hard But I think you know the worst is yet to come probably with it. It's hard, but I think, you know, the worst is yet to come probably. That's a nice way of looking at it. And that must be weird because you've kind of lived those teenage years once, so you kind of know what you've got coming up, right? Yeah, but you know what? My stepkids navigated teenhood really brilliantly. There weren't many huge problems and there wasn't that much attitude,

like obviously just the usual dose, but nothing extreme. So I think I got off quite lightly with Arthur and Lola. That's good. So you're about to get your comeuppance. Yeah, they've always sort of, we've never had a set thing. They've just sort of come and gone whenever. It's always been quite a loose arrangement. So we've had them for two days, we've had them for two months. You know, it's always been quite a loose arrangement. So we've had them for two days,

we've had them for two months. It's been quite sort of, oh, we'll have them for this period. And then obviously ours is at uni now. And then Lola's 17, so she's been with us this last week, which has been really lovely. But yeah, now they're that bit older. It's more, they've got, I guess, a bit more autonomy.

So they hang out with us when they want to, versus when they were tiny, it was a lot more about who was practically doing what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the lovely thing is, and I'm so grateful for this, all four kids get on so well. And there's no half sibling about it, they're just siblings, and that's been, you know,

I think really important for me and Jessie is that they all feel like they're just siblings. And it's just one big chaotic family and everyone's adjusted over the years really well to all the changes and they just all get on. That's so good, isn't it? Yeah. That is, that is nice.

I think that the idea of, cause when, like to go on holiday with all four of them, was there a point when you thought Arthur's gonna dab out of this? Because he's, do you know when you're 20, you're like, oh, do I wanna go on the family holiday? Of course he does, he wants a free holiday. He's not ditching out on the family holiday just yet.

He's getting a lovely free holiday. Fair enough. When you're stuck kids, is it like, do you not get as involved with sort of telling them off or setting boundaries, or sort of, is it a little bit more passive? Yeah, that's been really tricky actually. I've definitely found that one hard. I think because their love and respect for you isn't a given, whereas with your kids, you know, at the end of the day, if they fall over and hurt themselves

or someone's being mean, they will run to you because it's just an instinctive thing. Whereas I think with your stepkids, for me personally, I've definitely had a bit more insecurity like, oh, if I say that, are they gonna really hate my guts? And how do I make it up to them or recover from that? So I have found that really tricky to navigate

and it's something I've talked to Jesse a lot about and he's always been like, no, treat them the same as Rex and Honey, but I have definitely found that quite hard, quite a tricky concept. Yeah. Have you ever tripped yourself up by trying to be too, too friendly and like, I'll get you this, sort of trying to bribe them and win them over.

Oh yeah, of course I have. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, there was a lot of that in the early days. Buy your way in, buy your way in. Yeah, buy your way in. Also, cause it was an absolute novelty. Like when I first met Jesse, I'd never dated anyone with kids before.

So I was like, oh my God, this is so fun. This is just we're going to go to giraffe for lunch and go bowling. And you know, I've never done all that stuff before. I've been like on the piss for 10 years consistently. So that was that was a real novelty. And I think then, you know, as that gets very real, and you're like, Oh, my God, I actually am responsible for these children for a certain portion of the year. And also, I need to sort of be children for a certain portion of the year. And also I need to sort of be here to help guide them if they need me in life.

I think that's where you start to go, oh, okay, this isn't just a novelty. This isn't just sort of me taking them to giraffe for lunch. There's actually, there's like a lot, there's more to it. There's more to parenting the giraffe. Supposedly. Welcome to the podcast, Dan Schreiber. Hello. Thanks for having me, guys. We are very excited to have you, Dan. Well, I've not seen you for ages. We've gigged together years ago and then you've gone on to massive success with No Such Things As A Fish podcast. Do you still do stand-up, Dan? No, I haven't done it. I do it as part of the podcast because we do live shows and we

have a first half. So I sort of put a bit together for that. But you and I, we were actually flatmates in Edinburgh many years ago for about a week period. It was like a week where- Where was that? Which one was that? Could I just say I've never been more pleased the cameras are on because Beckett's confused face at that point didn't blow my mind. How do I not know you was my flatmate? Fuck!

Was it that Hills J goes flat? No, no, I was staying with Eric Lampert and Rhys James and Lloyd Griffiths and you came and you just crashed on our floor for a week. Yes, I remember that, yeah, so. Do you? Do you? I do now, but basically Lloyd was up there and staying with you and Rhys, but I remember that. Yeah. So do you? Do you? I do now. But basically, Lloyd was up there and staying with you and Reese. But I remember I just slept on Lloyd's floor for five nights,

but I was pissed for five days because I didn't do a gig. I just came up on a jolly. And I remember now seeing you sort of in the kitchen. Did I give you any money for that? No, I don't think so. No. There's always been a mystery about this house. There was, I remember coming home one day, I think this was in the period when you were staying with us, where I went to the bathroom and up by the bathroom there was a sort of like hand towel bit just by the sink where you could wipe your hands. I was looking at it one day and it was just smeared in shit. Like just flat out someone had wiped their ass on it, but then just put it back.

I'm like Lloyd, that is unbelievable. Like flat out someone had wiped their ass on it. But then just put it back. I blame Lloyd. That is unbelievable. Sorry, I need to apologise. What, because of the towel? No, so I think the problem in Lloydad in the world of comedy was we're not geezers in our world of Grimsby in South East London. We're the lovey dovey.

So we sort of assume that we aren't being that badly behaved, but then I think actually we were awful. Well, I'm sorry, but if in Grimsby wiping your ass on a towel and putting it back is the lovey-dovey world. They save the towel for best in Grimsby. Anyway Dan it's great to see you again after showing a flat that I forgot about for five nights. Is it flatmates if it's five nights though? I think so. Well if I meet someone I tend to say they're friends like Josh I've only bumped into you twice and I'll say my friend Josh like I just

yeah I just do that. Why not? Why not? The fact you know you've bumped into me twice you've got an encyclopaedic knowledge of when you met people. Rob did sleep on your floor for five days so you should know that. So Dan can you introduce us to your how many children have you got? Let's get this out first and foremost before we crack on. I have three kids and I had my third kid 12 days ago. Oh, my word. I'm fresh. Yeah, third time.

It doesn't get any easier. I've worked out. Who knew? Yeah, that's good to know because when you've got two, you sort of think, well, you're so good at it now. What's another one? Yeah, all the stuff that I forgot has just come back. The sleepless nights.

I thought, God, were they this bad last time? And I spoke to a friend and they said, yeah, you were this out of it the other time as well. Oh my God. It just doesn't get easier. But now you've got two little ones to deal with as well at the same time. And they're sleeping patterns. And so I've got a five-year-old, a two and a half-year-old, and then now a 12-day-old. Oh, fuck it. So talk me through the last 12 hours of your life life from 11 p.m. last night to now.

You sure there's not just shit on your towel and your feet can be from the flat? Okay, so the first thing I forgot happens is that you dread the night in a way where the lack of sleep becomes so great that when you first wake up for the first feed and it's something like 2 a.m., you kind of go, thank God it's 2 a.am. At least we're a bit into the evening. Last night was the horror of waking

up and discovering it was 1030p and already feeling knackered and being like, fuck. And so yeah, it was a long one last night. And then we've got two kids who still come into our bed all the time. And so we're dealing with this kind of jigsaw piece of how do we because we have kit my new son in the bed next to us my latest one my new ep my new draw is it right you're promoting him on this yeah that's what you're plugging i've got this new son kit yeah he's available to you babysat at any time it's so i? The reason we tried for a third kid is because we wanted a little girl. We thought that'd be really nice. That's good for him to hear in a few years.

Yeah, I hope he comes back to these shows and understands how loved he is. It's quite funny actually because we went and we got a private scan to see if it was a boy or a girl, and we hadn't told the person doing the scan that we'd had kids before. And so she did this big thing where it was a big reveal with like lights the whole room went blue I know it was like a real kind of like 4d experience but she went it's a boy and both me and Fonella just went oh fuck she was so confused you didn to go for a fourth then? Continue the hunt for...

No! Well, give it a couple of years. Chase it down. I know, because we'll forget, you're right. We will forget and then just go again and then have another boy. You're so positive and relaxed, Dan. Because we've met, obviously, we're flatmates, but... Obviously we're flatmates.

Obviously that goes without saying. That goes without saying that we're flatmates. Get out now, we're flatmates but obviously we're flatmates obviously that goes without saying that goes without saying that we were flatmates the old shit smear sisters you know me beckon shribe that old shres beckon shriver back on the sofa again but um whenever i come away from gigging with you i'm like i feel happier now because i've been in the company of dan shriver so how are you still this jolly with a 12 day old son? Yeah, no, I guess that's just my way of being really, I'm fairly happy. I really related when I've been reading and listening in the sort of like, I'll listen to a chapter and then go back and read bits of your book, Parenting Hell. And there's so much I relate to, particularly the chapters with both your wives talking about the relationship that you guys have with your kids

versus the relationship within the family household. It's exactly the same thing. That makes me worried for you, Dan. Yeah, well, but I know where you're at, so I'm there. That's the same. We're all in the shit. So let's rejoin you. It's 10.30 PM. You've just woken up for the first time. How long did it take to get back to sleep? So first was because we're bottle feeding my son because we had the most chaotic of mastitis cases. My wife had in our first child.

That's brutal mastitis. Yeah, man. Like she has it to a level where doctors are like, I've never heard it this bad. Whenever we talk about it in midwives, it ended up in surgery. Oh, she had an abscess that formed in her breast. Had to be taken out. It was horrific. So a quick ignorant bloke thing here. What's my status? Is that something to do with the nipple in breastfeeding? Yeah, right. It's the milk ducks.

They get clogged up and it's breastfeeding generally. And it can happen with multiple things. But yeah, it's when breastfeeding turns into a nightmare and a lot of women suffer from it. That's a great Channel 5 show, isn't it? When breastfeeding turns into a nightmare. Absolutely. Yeah, so we bottle feed now. So the first thing at 10.30 is the negotiation.

Who's doing the feed to begin with? And that's a quick negotiation, because I lose. I have to do it. Actually, Fenella will do the sort of like 2 AM and the 4 AM ones. The real hardcore ones. I shouldn't complain about that. That is the hardcore session, that, isn't it? Yeah.m. and the 4 a.m. ones yeah the real hardcore ones I shouldn't complain about that. That is the hardcore session that isn't it yeah I mean they really are as well

Those 10 p.m. 6 a.m. pussy slots that you're strolling around in tribes Sorry, pussy slots sounded disgusting Is this the kind of stuff you do on No Such Things As Fish with the QI guys? Yeah, this is, yeah. Can't wait to get you on. But no, I mean, that's kind of what it is, right? There's not much story to tell. You just get up, you feed, and you get back into bed. And he's really kind of the burping. I thought I'd nailed. I thought two kids now, I'd nailed how to do that.

But it's just, they've each got their own ways. Fuck burping. It's impossible. I just don't believe it's possible. And anyone that can do it is just, they were just going to burp anyway, you've just fluked it. I just don't believe it's real. So you think it's a lie? I think it's a lie. Really? Winding's a lie?

Yeah, this is my moon landing. This is the hill I I'm gonna die on. I just can't do it. Can you do it? No, I sort of, they looked uncomfortable so you sort of like lean them on your hand and then rub their back and I sort of agreed. I was like, I more did it to show Lou that I was trying. Yeah, exactly. But as I was doing it I was like, this is, this kind of, I've never had to do that as an adult to burp.

No. And they're just little adults, aren't they? To a point. Yeah. Every child's a little adult, right? Do you find though, Dan, because obviously it's your third, like when you say it's quite, obviously it's labour intensive getting up in the night and you're tired, but it's quite easy.

But then do you think that's just because you're not psychologically worrying about it because you're more relaxed? Because you've had to already? Yeah, I'm way more relaxed this time. The first two, I was convinced that he would stop breathing in the middle of the night. So I found it impossible to go to sleep. We'd have to check him every two seconds. I've lost that bit to an extent now, but I'm definitely a nervous dad.

I think mainly because I'm just really shit in life. That idea that we're looking after a tiny little vulnerable child. And he came three weeks early, one so he's tiny. My whole thing is once they get to that size where they feel unbreakable then you can relax a bit but when they're still floppy it's just nerve wracking. Yeah I like a baby of sort of tiger loaf size. You know that tiger bread? Just that sort of like along the arm rather than like a little sort of floppy under baked tiny French stick. Yes exactly.

Quite bulky and solid then I can relax a bit more. Yeah agreed. Welcome to the podcast, Omid Jilili. Very excited. Omid, children, talk to me, how many have you got? How old are they? I have three children and they are all in their 20s. All grown up. Yeah, they're older now. Does that feel like you're out the woods is the right word to use?

Do you feel like each day you're still a parent? You know, is it playing on your mind as much as it did? He's out the woods. He's started a logging company. It's deforestation that's going on there. That's a very good question. You know, most comics, when you have children, I became like a paid comic when my daughter, my first child's daughter, when she was about two and a half around 1997, 98. And then I had two

more kids. So I had three kids by 2000. So I was doing jongles. I was doing all those gigs. And comics usually talk about their children. Like as you grow with that comic, they talk about my children now three, four, then you realize comics do it because their children are tax deductible commodities. We're happy to do that because it saves us some money because it's part of our, you know, part of our job and our material. But it is very difficult. I think we should talk about that because how old are your kids? Now your kids are five and seven. Okay. So five and seven, Rob and Josh, two and five. Okay. All right. So look this is when I was starting out It's very very difficult and I had so many

Experiences of coming home late picking up early. Yeah, actually that's not good for you I mean, I remember there was a journey I came back from Liverpool and I had to be home had to drive home from Liverpool Because there was something I had to do at the school and I had to pick up my kids, you know, it's always, so I'm driving back and you know that bit of the M6, there are no lights and around Wolverhampton there are lots of lights on the M6 and I was so tired, I was hallucinating. When I felt the reflections from the lights, it had looked like there were pterodactyls flying at me. So as I'm driving along, I'm slapping myself to keep myself awake and kind of going, slap. And then I saw this pterodactyl and I ducked. I ducked a few times. I just started ducking.

Then this blue light came on and the police took me to one side. They said, sir, do you know how fast you were going? I said, look, I'm a comic. I'm trying to get home. And then the police took me to one side. They said, sir, do you know how fast you were going? I said, look, I'm a comic. I'm trying to get home. Tired. Was I going 90, 100? He goes, no, you were doing 10 miles an hour in the middle lane.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. And he goes, we were next to you driving for about 30 seconds. And I could see it was only when you ducked. He must be. I suddenly ducked. I said, did you see the pterodactyls as well? And they said, breath, breathalyze them. So they breathalyze me. And then they said, You're just tired. And actually, to

give police credit, they said, Follow us, we're going to take you to a service station. We want you to sleep. Yeah, just sleep. And then I slept. And unfortunately, I slept till six. And I missed the thing. And everyone was upset with me. But actually, you realize, to be a dad, to have a family, and if you're going to have a family, you want to be a good dad, you want to raise your kids well, it is really taxing on the body. So I remember I actually developed this problem called sleep apnea. Sleep apnea, we have to sleep in a sleep machine and you have a mask on and of course the kids would think it was funny. So my young son, age five, would come in as I'm waking up and he'd lift the mask off my face. And of course, the machine goes

into overdrive. He goes like that and he goes, let's go. He goes, hits my face. I go, ah. And I look back and I just think the leg of a child running away. And I think that you never got any sleep. That was the one thing. And that's I started getting acid reflux because I was sleeping. And then I remember once coming home, then I got home two, three in the morning and I ordered a pizza and I watched television with a pizza. And my daughter came down at age seven, woke me up at six thirty and said, you're a disgrace because I fall asleep in my clothes and I think BBC two was raging. There was something I was watching and I had like pizza on my beard. I remember she just learned the word. She goes, you're a disgrace. And I said, how'd you learn the word disgrace? Who taught you?

Did your mom teach you that? Who taught you the word disgrace? So one thing people don't get is actually it is physically taxing. But I'm very proud that actually, if you put the time in my kids in their twenties and they're all actually doing quite well. And I like all three of them now. So actually it is a balance in life. Life is always a balance about your quality of life, your career, your family life. And if one of them drops, all three of them drop. So I'm very proud and happy that I did spend a bit of time with my kids because I actually like them. I actually like my kids. That's the weird thing in their twenties, you're both adults, right? It's quite a good way of putting it.

I like them is because obviously you then have a relationship with them where they're on a kind of level with you. You're not like, oh, they're a five-year-old or oh, they're going through the teenage years or oh, they're you know dealing with this. It's like these people are grown-ups. Would I be friends with these people? And they're gonna overtake us and be in charge of us. They're much better. They're already way, way ahead of us. And I have to tell you that on the one hand, I have a daughter and two boys,

and the two boys are now, as they were growing up, I'm showing them pictures of myself when I was their age. And they look exactly like me. I mean, I used to have hair and I used to be thinner. And so they look at me and they look exactly like me. I mean, I used to have hair and I used to be thinner. And so they look at me and they're thinking, wow, if we looked like this guy when he was like 19, 20, I said, yeah, this is what you're going to look like. And they are so horrified. So when they used to come home and I'd be sat in my pants watching telly with my legs up and they'd come in and they'd

go, what are you doing? I said, I'm being you in 30 years time this is you and they are so horrified that they are gonna look like me and so we have that relationship but another thing I will say as they've all they're all adults now and I listen to them because they have opinions on stand-up comedy they have opinions on like once we're in the car we just come back from driving back from the Auburn arena this and all means that kind of whole family come whole family come to see me. And nobody said a word. It was a great show. And with standing ovation. I said, there's no one going to say anything. We got new outskirts of London. I said, we've been driving for half an hour. No one said a word. You're going to say something. And I think my middle son, who was about 16 at the time, he said, um, mind out for

that pterodactyl. Anyone got anything? Why does dad keep ducking? Sorry. Sorry. Speed up. You're going 10 miles an hour on the M25. But they said to me, um, this is, you know, you do a few bits that we don't particularly like and it's a bit filthy and it's a bit, and I said, is that a problem? And they said, well, and it's very interesting because put it this way, if you go to a Michelin star restaurant, which they had been with me a few times, that's one thing I wish I hadn't spoiled them, if you go to a Michelin star restaurant, they're bringing you a wonderful meal, but there's a little bit of shit on the side of the plate.

Would you eat that food? I went, no, I'd take it back and clean it off or give me a new plate. They go, well, that's how we feel about your stand up. It's a lovely meal. They're little bits of shit. It just ruined the whole thing. And I went, oh my God, that would destroy me. It did destroy me. It destroyed me because it actually made me realize that in comedy, this is why we can do gigs. And we're having a wonderful time. And it's comics. Everyone's laughing, but we always hone in on the one person not enjoying it. Or have you had a show where you're loving a show, then you do one joke and a couple of people get up and leave?

I've never had that, Omid. I've never had that. How dare you? You've never had that? Okay. Well, you're not a proper comic. Oh no, I'm getting flashbacks of Edinburgh. That was horrible. Yeah. So you realize actually comedy in general, what you learn, we can't please all the people all the time and people have a right to be offended but the fact that even my own children were saying you could be so good but you're not and we won't bring our friends to see you and we're not really proud of you and you just look like...

Oh no. How old were they at this point? They're in their mid-teens, they're old enough. Oh that's to never ask a teenager for a feedback. But you know what, I brought it up with them now and they stand by their comments. It's interesting. So was it the, in general, your stuff,

or was it more that like, and I wanted to speak about this as well, was like, as you get older, you know, everyone's views and stuff get a bit dated because that's just what, like, you know, you don't experience new things with a younger generation, a way more woke and across social change. Would it be things like that where you might use

a turn of phrase that is fine, but actually a little bit, that's not what you use anymore? Or was it just the material and the performance in general? Because I think that's what your kids can help you with. And they do. Yeah. Actually, that's a very good point. As they got older, they are very aware of not just woke culture, but even things that you've missed somehow. So in that sense, they were right. So I dropped the joke and they often come and watch and they give a tip like that, which I think is very, very helpful. But in general, it's interesting because they say, look, the dad we see at home is so funny, but the dad we see on stage is very different. It's like you're trying to please people and you're trying to be a middle eastern bloke in white society.

And as a part of us, we're not comfortable with that. So we wish you could be more like the way you were at home. I think that's the thing. That's what pleased me. They thought I was much funnier offstage than on. And I said, well, it is an act. That's the whole point. Yeah. I mean, stand up is an act.

It's what you choose to put out. But they said, we're just not comfortable with it. So we hope, dad, 14, a child goes, we hope dad you find your inner authenticity and that can be shown. That's the kind of thing they say. Natalie Cassidy, welcome to Parenting Hell. It's been a long time coming. Oh, do you know what? I'm honored, boy. It's really, really lovely to see you both. Well, I got a bit starstruck, actually. I was listening to chat a bit.

You know, you did with David Earl and Joe Wilkinson. Yeah. And you started talking about this podcast and about how much you like it, and you wanted to come on. I was like, man, he casted in. I didn't know about this. We didn't know about this. They were a bit upset.

They were a bit upset because they always want to get in the top 10. They can't get there. So I don't think they were happy with it, but there you go. First things first, could you, you know when Sonia was, was she playing the saxophone? The trumpet, Josh. Trumpet? Fuck's sake, Josh, do your research.

Do us a favour. No, no, Josh, surely the first question should be how many kids you got, what age? Sorry. Let's not go onto trumpet and Sonia immediately. What's well hard like? What's well hard like? Well, I was dead. I immediately. What's Wellard like? What's Wellard like? This is not okay. I know, but what was he like?

He was lovely, it was a girl actually, and the doctor's name was Xena, and she was a delight. There we go. Right, how many kids you got? Two. I've got two girls. Josh, if you want to do Wellard chat, let's save it when we get Dean Gaffney on. Okay, right.

Exactly. If you want to do Trump our chat. Let's save it when we get Dean Gaffney on. Okay, right. Exactly. If you want to do trumpet, fair enough. Martin Fowler, Sonja, we'll get on to that later, but come and save you well our stuff for Gaffney. Do you still speak to Gaffney? All the time. Do you? All the time. Yeah, he's fantastic. I love Gaffney.

He's always in our deeper. Always. He's always flowing around the world. I don't know how he does it. He's got friends in high places and he just makes me die. He makes me laugh. He's brilliant. He's a funny bloke. We've got to get gaffers on.

Honestly, I'm not sitting here talking about Dean if you don't mind. Get him on. Don't talk about your kids. How old are your kids, darling? So, Joni is six, she'll be seven August the 16th and Eliza is 12, going on 102. Yeah, I've been speaking to a lot of people

that have got kids that are like sort of pre-teenage, 10 to 12, and it feels intense. It's the phrase tweenage, when they're like teenagers early. It seems, but I'm not having any of it. Eliza is already a teenager. Is she? It's crazy stuff.

I tell you, I promise you once she started playing the trumpet then she's not playing the trumpet please Josh when your kids are in year six right at primary school and they're going on their leavers tour and you think aren't they grown up right they have the summer holiday and they're going to year seven yeah they're like different human they just get out of bed one day after a week of being at secondary school and they're completely different human beings really it's incredible because of the responsibility they have. She's got her laptop, she's emailing teachers, it's crazy. My daughter didn't have a

phone until about two, three months ago. So she went into Year 7 without a phone and she did a couple of terms without it. That was quite hard because every single person had one apart from her. But now she's got her phone, and it's crazy stuff. Oh my, what are your, have you got to have phone rules? Like is it- Oh massive ones.

She's got no social media. She's got Be Real, which is wrong, when you just take one photo a day, I'm fine with that. Yeah. But she's not allowed Snapchat. She's not allowed Instagram. She's not allowed any of that. She has WhatsApp to talk to her friends and the phone remains downstairs on charge when she goes to bed and stuff. She's good with it. Yeah, she's waited so long. She's like anything will do.

Oh God, I'm so scared about it all. Did you? Just don't give in. That's all I say to you. I don't care about... anyone says... at 10 there were kids in... I'm not being funny at the primary school. My six year old... there's a couple of kids with phones. There's seven. Six? Seven. Yeah. Seven. Bloody hell. And I just was like... I'm not following any... I don't care what anyone says. You can hate me. You are not having a phone until I feel that it's needed. Yeah, cause you know what? Because someone... our friends have had their daughters, and they've got like an iPod touch thing, which the girls have.

And then we take a message to the mum and dad and take photos and stuff like that. But you can still get all the apps on it. So in a way, like the actually ringing someone's the least bad bit of a phone. Absolutely. Absolutely. An iPad's actually worse in a way, if they can have access to the... We were talking about messages. I've just got a message off my wife. This is a live bit of parenting and marriage. If the doorbell, she's out, if the doorbell goes, answer it as it could be your socks.

Isn't that a low moment? So I'm going to have to leave the interview if the doorbell goes, I do apologise now. If they carry on. No problem. What socks are they? I've ordered some sports socks. Do you have to have weird ones because of your feet? I haven't got weird feet. I haven't got weird feet. You know people have specialist things for different parts of the body. Why would I have special? Because of the hair and the size.

They're normal hair. Sorry about this Natalie they're not normal do you know what I'm saying like big hobbit ones. No I've got really bad feet as well, so it's fine. Have you? No, not as well. I haven't got bad feet. No, I've got feet like you. You've both got disgusting feet, that's correct. So it's fine. You sound like, to me, you don't take any shit.

No, not at all. And has that always been the case or did that come at the age of, fuck, right, this is now phones this is now serious or were you like no chocolate? No I've always been no it's everything in moderation isn't it? I've seen I've had children around before yeah and if they haven't got a sweet drawer or a crisp drawer they come in here and they're like animals yeah they just want to eat everything because they have never got it. Whereas mine, they take it or leave it. We got the draw. They're not in there all the time.

You know, I think everything in moderation is good. My little Joanie is, she's quite feral. She's sort of always got her hair in her face and she's, you know, like, you know, it's really hot. You're like, darling, come on, let's get you some cream out of your head. She don't care she just wanders about and she's quite a free spirit. Eliza is completely opposite she was the one who we've you know had to cut all the labels out she hated seams in the socks she was very she's always been very particular so they're completely different children um but Eliza now, I feel as they get older, you have to pick your battles. You can't get annoyed over things that perhaps you would do with the younger ones because you've got bigger battles, bigger fish to fry.

It's hard though because when they're in school, if you go, no, we're not doing that, they literally come back and go, it's almost like interviewing a politician where they go, well, so-and-so's doing it and so-and-so's doing it and you're like well and then you know. With that I just say I don't care I'm not interested in what other people are doing why are you talking to me about that? That's a good way I did it because I want to go well I tell you what their mum and dad are a fucking pair of pricks and they're gonna and their kids gonna turn out like them okay. I have to say it has been said Rob. You're not wrong. I have to say it has been said Rob. You're not wrong. You're not wrong.

Well the little known fact about your friend, I hate their parents and I've put up with them for 13 years at this school and I don't need to be told about what they do because you know what, I fundamentally disagree with everything they do. Or you could just go, I don't care, it's probably a bit of a better way to. Do you think, do you think Carol Jackson was a good mum? She was a good mum? She was a great mum on screen, a great mum, Josh. She wasn't my real mum, you do know that, don't you?

No, no, I'm fully aware of that. Okay, good. Josh feels, Josh is treating this interview like he's sort of confused about between fiction and reality and just totally overwhelmed. I'm extremely shocked, I'm extremely shocked that Josh has even seen it. He's done this. He's not that kind of guy, is he? I loved it in the 90s. Shocked I'm extremely shocked that Josh has even seen it I loved it in the 90s Yeah, I absolutely bit where I think it's slightly before your time, but the bit where Grant Mitchell finds out that Phil's been sleeping with Oh yes, injecting it into my veins. It's so good that episode.

I would say EastEnders, when it was in its peak around that time, was so much better. Still good Rob, it's still in its peak. No, it's still good, but at that point that was when it was, when you were in it when you were younger, and the pregnancy stuff and all that kind of stuff. It's still, you know, it's great. The pregnancy blimey, O'Reilly. It went beyond soap, it just felt like something everyone was watching and everyone spoke about. I'll tell you something, obviously in October I've been there for 30 years, right? Wow, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I had a break and stuff, but I've been affiliated with it for that long. And all those times, like you say, were sort of the golden ages. And we've had peaks and troughs as every show does, but I have to say that we've just won the soap award. Congratulations. Passed the morale, like everyone at work. It's an amazing, at the moment, I feel like all the stories are really good. Yeah, it's building up.

Yeah, it's becoming golden again. It's really, really good. It's a lovely place to be. Being in EastEnders as a child and how, like whether you, how you'd feel about your children acting, because you were seven, right, when you first appeared in EastEnders? Ten. Ten? Ten. I tell you something, your Wikipedia is shit. I don't know if I've ever heard that before. He's fallen apart, I knew about that Natalie, don't worry about that.

Oh fuck off Rob. So you were ten, so your daughter is basically, would have already been in EastEnders two years. Yeah. Yeah. And have they expressed any interest in child acting? They both enjoy it. And Eliza actually my eldest has done she just played trunchball in our school production. Oh wow. She was brilliant. She's really good at it. So I wouldn't mind her doing it. But to be honest, it's all very well. But auditions come through on my phone and I'm like that's too much time off school and I just ignore it. I've said yes but I'm not sure it'll ever come to anything so we'll have to see. But I do wanted to go to school I missed a lot of school.

Yeah how did it work? Well I loved my job. Yeah. But you from 10 to 13 the rules were 40 days off a year. Yeah. But from 10 to 13, the rules were 40 days off a year. Yeah, from 13 to 16, you could have 80 days off a year. And then 16 onwards, it was a job. So I was kind of there doing really well. And I just carried it on, which is amazing. I'm very lucky. I've had a brilliant life. But I'm missed out on a lot of learning. Yeah, which I think I'll probably do

at a later stage because I do of learning, which I think I'll probably do at a later stage because I do love learning. So I want my kids to enjoy learning and go to school and get good grades. And I do want them to do that because I didn't. Also as well, you've got, there's plenty of time in life for them to become actors where you only get this time once.

And I think it helps you develop as a person. I mean, it must've been really difficult for you as well, like, because we've social media now for your kids and I don't have that. Like, you were like, so famous in this country, like, at a young age, and that must have been quite difficult because it's not, you know what the press is like, especially back then, you know, 20, 30 years ago, way more brutal. How, how did that make you a stronger person? Did you find it difficult? And has it helped you like give them advice and stuff? Yeah, I mean, I have to be honest with you, I just think I've been very lucky. I've got a very thick skin

and I've grown up with a family that are so normal. Do you know what I mean? There was no, oh, isn't it marvelous that you're on the telly? Like there was none of that at all, which for me, I just went to work and it's always just been my job. So I think going into it at 10 is actually better than getting a soap opera say at 17 because you kind of want it and you get the ego and you get not saying everyone does but you know what I mean? So for me it was just I grew up with it it's like being recognized people say everyone's like you go out and what's it like and I said I don't remember not doing that. You've been famous longer than you've been alive. So it's just, it's what it is, isn't it?

Not longer than you've been alive, but longer than you've been not famous. Sorry, I thought I'd caught myself in my own critic. Rob, fuck it, you did my Wikipedia's bad. You've got some really dodgy facts. You were Sonia two years before you were born, is that right? So philosophical, it's brilliant.

That's it for this special Best Of episode. I'm Natalie Cassidy, and I've been wanting to do a podcast of my own for a very long time. And here it is. I'm gonna be talking each week to family, friends, most importantly, you. I wanna talk about the issues that are bothering me, things that make me smile and how we get through that washing basket

without having a nervous breakdown. This is a podcast for the general public, for the normal people. So get on board, become part, here, here, brand new podcast alert. I've got a new show for you. It's called Perfect Day. And yeah, you've figured out the premise already, haven't you? Because you're so smart and because it's obvious. Every Thursday, I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day. So if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories, you're going to love this stuff. Ah, we have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on. You're Ramesh Ranganathan's, you're Dolly Alderton's, you're Jamali Maddox's,

Arabella Wearsh's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest. Just worry about when you're going to listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're going to listen to it, just actually listen to it. See you soon. Jess Knapp here, signing off, wishing you a perfect day. Perfect day on all your favourite podcast platforms.