Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 16

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

A cheeky little compilation episode while we wait for the Christmas catch-up chat episode coming your way later today (and yes, there will almost certainly be post Strictly chat!) Thanks x If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener,

with your tips, advice, and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] This episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. Be honest. Between meetings, workout classes, and the kids' clubs,

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Rubble. Come on. Compared to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. Beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whitacombe. And you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell. And kicking things off, our first ever guest, Katherine Ryan, discusses her daughter's TikTok obsession.

My screen time at the moment is an absolute disgrace. Yeah. My screen time last week was eight hours and then it dropped to five hours this week. And I genuinely felt like I had achieved, like I'd climbed Everest to just do five hours a day on my telephone. Telephone? Who am I? A Victorian?

What's your screen time at the moment, Catherine? It's bad, but I read. I don't think that I'm doing, you know, nefarious activities on the phone all the time. It's not all social media. I read all my news articles on there. I subscribe to all the newspapers. I am reading. I use it like a Kindle. I try to read, but then I just end up immediately going back onto TikTok. I can't. I can't with TikTok. I'm obsessed with it. I love it. And I don't know why. I can't, I can't with TikTok. I'm obsessed with it, I love it. And I don't know why, I don't, on paper I shouldn't.

No, I don't know, I think it's about your level, Rob. That's about my vibe, isn't it? Bit of TikTok, bit of Lego, bad. I live like a teenage girl. Well, this is the other thing with TikTok that's so annoying and you should like it. I love the idea that 10 year olds are moving around and dancing, but it's constant. So they'll be on TikTok learning dances, but even once the phone is put away, my daughter

will walk into the kitchen for snacks and she's TikToking. All she wants to do is watch the older girls on TikTok and learn the dances that they're doing and then emulate those dances in a crop top. I've studied TikTok because I'm trying to bond with this child. I used to have a two-year-old girl and she liked me very much. Now I have to reach out and basically watch these jailbait 15-year- olds doing sexy dances, doing the splits. I have to learn those dances. I made a list of how to be successful at TikTok based on what I've learned and I've tried to feed this back to Violet, but it's a terrible list. All you want to do is you need good lighting, really nice straight white smile, and you need to

get your ass out and be flexible and that's it. Well, I'm one ass away from being successful on TikTok, by the sounds of that. Well, you don't realize this. They are like proper celebrities in that world. So if they went to an event where there was loads of kids that age, there would be people all over them going, oh my God, can I have a picture of that at 15?

It's like they're megastars in a cult. And I am ashamed to say that pre-lockdown, I would travel around the UK with my daughter and go to a travel lodge in Milton Keynes to hang out with TikTokers for a five-hour meet and greet. Oh, wow. How much would that cost? It costs, I think, 20 pounds each, but then there's loads of merch there that you're

railroaded into buying. There's no performance element. They don't do anything, and they're lovely girls, but they just have a step and repeat, that branding board in the back. And they stand there and the children queue to hug them and record a quick TikTok where they stick their tongue out. And then they resume and they queue again to do the same. And it's really a weird, you wait. I don't know what it's gonna be when your daughters are 10. I know. Oh no.

It's only five years away for me. It's like we're in Black Mirror, isn't it? In a way. I can't believe how out of the loop I am. When you describe that, am I old? No, you are peacefully unaware right now and enjoy this time because we all have different struggles at different stages of parenthood. And this is the one I'm in right now. I'm very ashamed to say that I paid a teenager £800 to visit my house last June.

Did you? Because she likes TikTok. Yeah. So did I, but I got it out of the papers. So you paid a TikTok, like basically corporate appearance fee to come to your daughter's house. Exactly that. It was the only thing Violet wanted for her birthday. She said, well, you get this TikToker to come to the house.

And I said, all right. So I reached out to this teen. It felt very dirty, just a teenage girl. I was like, how much is it going to cost me to get you come dance in my kitchen? I think it's a weird thing where me and Joshua are at the stage now where the kids are really young and we sort of feel quite young still. Like, oh, we sort of know about cool stuff, but we don't. We're completely oblivious. It's only when your kids get a bit older, like your daughter's 10 now, that they bring you into this new world.

You go, oh, that's what's going on. We're in this weird fellow period where we don't know what is cool or what is popular and then you get brought into it by your kids. Do you think my parents were thinking about, like we're talking about TikTok and they were talking about that, like about like gladiators or like...

All Josh wants is to meet jazz in a mall. I spent 300 quid on getting shadow to come around for the afternoon to witty with a massive cotton bud. The next highlight from the archives, the brilliant Ellie Taylor runs us through some questionable breastfeeding training advice. How did you get on with that? Because Lou found that quite difficult with the breastfeeding stuff. Did you enjoy it or was it hard or what was your experience with that? For me it was pretty easy at the beginning and it came quite naturally and I was really

chuffed but then I got mastitis a couple of times, which was like absolute hell. So, oh my God. I don't understand what the fuck nature is doing. So the first time I had it, she was, she's seven weeks old, recovering from a caesarean still. Like you're obviously at the lowest ebb you can possibly imagine. And then nature decides to infect one of your tits.

And... I'm sorry to laugh. But it was, I mean, it was, there were always dark moments of humor in these situations. And I remember like, I've never been in so much pain and I was like hallucinating with this fever. And we got a breastfeeding coach to come around and try and sort of work out why I'd got mastitis

and try and help the latch out why I got mastitis and try and help the latch. And she was this strange Russian lady. And to try and sort of help me work out the latch, she got, she pulled out of her bag, I'm crying on the sofa in the most pain I've ever been in my life. She pulls out an Elmo hand puppet

and starts to sort of demonstrate the perfect latch with the Elmo puppet on my infected tit. Oh my word! At the time I was... Oh the days of pre-corona, had it been disinfected? It wasn't wearing a face mask! How many crests has this Elmo been on?

The way Linica of Anne puppets it! How did you feel in that moment, Ellie, that you're just sat there? Because I was very vulnerable at that moment. So I was like, hello, what do you want to do? Elmo, help me. Reflecting back on it, I was like, what the fuck? That Elmo's got some stories to tell, hasn't it? Bloody hell. Can I throw some other options at you of what you would be accepting? Exactly! That Elmo's got some stories to tell hasn't it?

Bloody hell! Can I throw some other options at you of what you would be accepting? Because you accepted Elmo as sort of a cartoon figure, if she just whipped out a ventriloquist doll, how would you feel? Because there must be a level of the cuddly toy you'll accept to do that. You're not going to go hold up, no no no no no, that's just one step too far. If it had kind eyes I'd let anything have a go at that point I think. Fair enough, you're very vulnerable. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Big Bird, I'd go on the other one. Um. That God Cookie Monster stayed at home. Yeah.

Yeah, so it was like, I did like miss it though. When I stopped breastfeeding, I did miss it. But then I got really quite, I remember getting quite emotional, like it's the end of our journey together. I'm just going to feed her one last time. And then she started biting me and I was like, oh, do you know what?

I think we're done. And it was less, yeah, it was less, it was less sad to let it go. But I did still kind of miss it in a way. Although when I hear about some of my friends who were still doing it and their kids are 18 months old and like, they're not sleeping through the night and stuff. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine with bottles now. I'm cute. Yeah. Yeah, that is tough. There's so much pressure, especially if they're starting to buy it, just tap out. That's when Lou did, especially in my offspring. You can't have them nibbling away at both jeans. Now it's time for comedy legend Jack Dee and his tale of the terror of twins.

And they're twins, aren't they? So you're two sons of twins. They're twins. So they're both 22 and they're non-identical. So they're very, very different. And so it's like, it's not like you've got two kind of identical freaks going around the place. I couldn't have any telepathy and all that going on at the table. That would not work for me. If they had been identical, I think I would have just done Eenie Meenie Minie Moe and sold one of them. I just wouldn't want that going on, would you? It'd be horrible, wouldn't it? They speak their own little language and everything. Oh, horrible. What was the moment like when you realised that you were going to have three but now you're going

to have four children? Well, the news was broken to me actually by Hattie, who's our eldest daughter. She was six. I was working at ITV and I got Paige to go to the front desk. When I turned up, Jane, my wife, was there with Hattie and Phoebe, our two daughters. And my memory is Hattie running towards me with this photo, the scan photo, saying, there were two of them, there were two of them. Really excited because she hadn't, we hadn't found out until it was about a 20 week scan or something. And, and the, the guy doing this sort of thing is that, oh, have we told you if they're identical or not? Jane said, what? And that's how we found out. We're being identical. What are you talking about?

Wow. We were lucky there because we'd already had two children. So we kind of knew a bit about how to look after babies and kids and stuff like that. I think I've got friends and you probably know people as well who have twins first time round. And I just don't know how they cope with that. Because that is a bad enough shot with one of them, isn't it? One baby will ruin your life. What did two do at the same time?

Two of them coming in are just awful. So what's it like having twins? So are you putting them down to bed at the same time? And are you trying to bath? Is it all like you just try and double team them in that? No, they would never, they were never in sync. They would look with each other. They could never kind of like both be hungry at the same time, both be tired at the same time. They did shift work. It was 24 hour full on. You'd have one would fall asleep, the other one wake up.

And so you have to get them out of the room in case they wake the other one up. It really was chaos. In fact, we, a couple of times we just hired a nanny, me and Jane, and just went away to a hotel for the weekend to sleep. You know, literally just a hotel down the road. Just, you said, we're just gonna sleep. It wasn't even a nice hotel, just down the road. There's an Ib hotel down the road. It wasn't even a nice hotel, just down there.

There's an Ibis down the road, we just went there asleep for 25 hours. What's the point though, where you thought they might be identical? Because I swear, all babies are the same. Was you just looking at them going, are you sure they're not? And then eventually they... No, one of them is quite a lot chunkier than the other one. Charlie comes out first and he's the big bruiser. He was taking up all the space. And then Miles comes out and he's a little bit more petite and small, but he's great.

And then the doctor goes, right, let's see what number three is. And Jane nearly Jane practically fell off the table and he goes oh just joking I say yeah all right all right just leave that to me but yeah that is a great that is a great line though for someone doing it I know but I felt I said look I know the safe limits of humor in my household you've gone way past do they get on well then? They do. They do get on well. Because I mean, partly they get on well because they're complete opposites to each other. And that's, I think, is one of the sort of redeeming features if you have twins who decide not to be like each other, or just aren't anyway. And they right from day one

would not do the same thing as each other. So if they're doing the same homework, one would do colouring in and the other one decide not to colour in and just, you know, scribble over it or something. And it would just be, it was always I will not do what he does and vice versa. So they never, they were never competing, never trod on each other's territory. So in that respect, it's quite good. And I always think if you put them together, you'd have the perfect human but they just have very, very, very, very opposite views. Next up, it's Daisy May Cooper and her daughter's patriotic potty training. So Daisy, what's your set up at home? What's your kid set up? party training. Naughtier and naughtier and naughtier and naughtier what kind of things? Um, which I don't so weird so she's decided

to use the shed as like an outdoor privy and Taking that's why I was looking at what was so mentors I'm losing my mind so much that I was looking up to see you know, if kids have been reincarnated from World War II and that's why she's... Any evidence to suggest she has? Well, no, the only evidence I have is she's ripping her nappy off. She's done about three poos in the shed and the latest one she was really proud of because for V-Day we had these kind of little cocktail sticks with little flags on them

and that we had in cupcakes and she managed to find one of them in the garden and then called me over to come and witness it. And I just stared at it for about 30 seconds, just in deep bafflement. Are you doing potty training then? We tried. She was brilliant before lockdown. She really enjoyed it. But now she just doesn't give a fuck. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything it's just horrendous what did you do with the kind of flag poo did you did you say that it was good or did you what did it have a british flag in it like kind of union jack like we claimed it that's exactly what it was i just i stood in silence for about 30 seconds because it was

like... In respectful silence to our flag. It's like something the far left would put on a poster about Brexit, innit? So are you still working at the moment? Is your husband working from home? What's that? My husband's a landscape gardener so he sort of can go out now and do sort of jobs and stuff. So I've been left at home with the devil child. I mean I do love her very much but it's just becoming because she just doesn't understand why she can't go to the park or why she can't go see nanny she's so sick of facetiming relatives now it's just I'm just putting Bing on and it's just not a constant like a 24-hour

repeat of Bing episodes. My daughter who's two and a half she's got no interest in facetime so it just it just gets offensive to the relatives very quickly. It's so awkward. They go, do you want to speak to Nanny? No. No. I want Paw Patrol. Nanny's here. No Paw Patrol.

Your Nan? No. Which one? And then they go which one? And then they go, oh, Nanny Sue? Nah. What? Is it fair about this?

Don't do that. Don't ask which one and then say no. That's in the world. It's so, nah. What, is it that bad? Don't do that. Don't ask which one and then say no. That's even worse. It's so true. And you're, are you pregnant with your second as well, Daisy? I'm pregnant with my second as well. So, I mean, I haven't even thought about the second one.

So how pregnant are you at the moment? I'm over, just over halfway. Oh, right. So, oh my God, I just want to drink. I want to drink so much. I was Googling how many, I mean, could I have three drinks if I'm pregnant? I thought, oh no, I can't. I really can't. Your Google history is unbelievable at the moment. Can a child be reincarnated from World War II? And can I drink when I'm pregnant?

Can a child be reincarnated from World War II? And can I drink when I'm pregnant? The penultimate track on this volume is the absolute banger that is Milk Tray Moment by Shappi Cassandi. We had this incident that we still talk about, the kids and I, the first few days of lockdown was the milk tray incident. Oh wow. What happened in the milk tray incident then? Well, I was trying to make life golden and happy for my children still, because that's what you do as a parent, right? You just try and make everything magical. And then the first few days of lockdown,

I just started cooking and eating together, all stuff that I don't really do, because I'm always out of work. I got this box of milk tray. This milk tray box meant a lot to me because I went to the co-op to buy it when you felt like you were putting your life in danger just stepping into a supermarket. I bought it and I left it for a couple of hours. So I don't know, the germs ran off or whatever. So it stopped being a box of death. And then my son went to open it and him and my daughter was squabbling over how to open it. And my son's like, he's really clever. And he's normally really careful with things, but he just ripped the top of the box off so you couldn't close the box again. He just ripped it open. Next thing I knew, it was in the bin. Like I put it in the bin. I just went,

right, you're not having it. You don't deserve, you kids have had everything given to you on a plate. I never had no tray when I was a kid. My parents had nothing. We didn't have swimming lessons. And all of this shit came out of like screaming at my kids at how privileged they are and how lucky they are to have a box of chocolates. You know, we had one chocolate once a year. I was, I was not Willy Wonka, Charlie. I was like Charlie from Charlie the Chocolate Factory. Just hellish, hellish. It was awful. How many days in was this? I think it was day two. How did they react?

I mean, they realized they were dealing with a mad woman. Like they understood that this wasn't normal. And my son just, he's so polite and he's so calm. And he looked at me with like fire in his eyes. And he said, you are behaving really badly. They went up to their rooms and then I had to call them down and I sat down and I said, listen, sometimes like thunderstorms happen in my head and I can't normally I'd go out the house or I'd go up to my room or whatever, but there's I behave very badly. And of course, I went out the next day and I bought another box of milk trays that we

all quietly ate, none of us enjoying it. And it's just so... Yeah, the milk tray incident was bad. And that's when I thought, right, I need to meditate. I need to, you know, really look after my head. And finally, playing us out this episode is Alex Brooker with the pros and cons of parenting with a disability. Today, it's been a big parenting day for me this morning. She's noticed my hand for the first time. It's the first ever time my elbow is open today.

And she was kind of like, she was going, daddy, you've only got two fingers. And I really want like, technically it's three, but two are stuck together, but it's fine if you want to call it two. But it's the first time. And like, it's one of those things where, you know, like, obviously for me, when I first went to like, started thinking about having kids, that was like a really big thing. It was like, I wonder how they're going to find it. She didn't give a shit. It was like, started thinking about having kids. It was like a really big thing. It was like, I wonder how they're gonna find it. She didn't give a shit. It was like, obviously the youngest was the one that weren't having it because she let go of me hand and then ended up face-picking between.

And I feel like the eldest has seen that and thought, yeah, it's not an ideal hand to hold, but it's better than nothing. I remember we first, when Mia was like a day old, I kind of went and met one of my mates at the pub quickly at lunchtime and I was like, how are you finding it? And I was like, mate, I just keep thinking I'm going to drop her. And he was like, well, everyone thinks that, don't they? What's the worst that can happen as soon as you have a new kid is you drop it. And that's like literally, everyone kind of worries

about whether you've got big, I'm sure David Seaman worried about it. Do you know what I mean? It's like. He was worried about being lobbed. He was worried about the baby going over his head. That's head-lick. I used to have that really weird nightmare

that I was holding the baby and then rolled over while I was asleep and slept on top of it. And then I'd wake up in the night and the baby's in the cot and I was nowhere near it, but these mad dreams, everyone feels the same. They do and like, do you know what? It was, as I said, the eldest, I feel like we're really making progress at the moment.

She's got over like the hand thing very quickly. I was surprised that was absolute, you know, 20 years of my life worrying about nothing. But then, it was, do you know what, it was, as I said, it's like quite a big thing for me today that. It's one of those things that, well, I'll probably think about it a bit more like later on, but yeah, it was like, I was genuinely up until today, like really properly worried. And also I have thought to myself more recently, it's like, you're nearly free and all you should have noticed you can count now we've done a lot how many times have I sat you in

front of the iPad and just put like the count in YouTube video on does she notice the leg oh mate they love the legs three different ones haven't I so today I had my blue waterproof on and like so I was going to say that in a stream there must be a rust risk but if you've got a waterproof one. You know what when I did that um that swim last year they gave me one for getting in and out the water so it's basically wood which is isn't the most flexible thing but it is literally for the first time I've got like a wooden leg so it's not like you imagine it's's not like a pirate, it does have like a foot on it. They got you a parrot as well, which is a bit insensitive. You were on the sea.

She's obsessed with it because it's like really colourful and blue and that, and she just like calls it daddy's blue leg. I've taught her how to put my put my leg on sometimes when I'm like slobbed out on the couch and I've got my leg off. I've like started to teach him it took me a little while with my eldest but I've taught her to like what like different bits go together to where I think it's like a big bit of duplo. Yeah, yeah. You are really like a big bit of duplo. That's how I view you. Yeah, best friend of fours. Alex, as your disability stopped you doing anything as a parent that you would have wanted to do. The one thing which I'm still always like,

in the grand scheme of things, this isn't like a big thing. But the one thing I'm always slightly wary of is, you know when you have like parents and they have like their kids on their shoulders, or something like that. We're not delving into that. We've given it a little go on the sofa and you just go, the juice isn't worth the squeeze for either of you. I'll be honest Alex, I've got all the necessary limbs to do that and it's still an absolute nightmare and they launch themselves off and I've nearly lost both my kids to terrible shoulder accidents in the past. So it's probably best left.

We gave it a little go and I just said to just make sure you hold onto daddy's neck and I don't think she quite real realizes how important that bit of it is because I'm not really holding on to her. But she's carrying everything for us and straight away we did it on the sofa, we just fell backwards on the sofa I was like do you know what well why don't we just walk away let's give it let's give something else but do you know what that's pretty much if I'm being honest the only thing that I thing that I've not really done. Also, on the flip side, Alex, has your disability enabled you to get out of doing other things

that is a bit of a relief? Do you ever play it up so you go, actually, I don't think I can do this because the old hand and leg situation is probably best you do it? Have you ever got out of anything with that? Honestly, if you ask my wife, it is literally every single week I'll use it. Like my leg takes I reckon about three seconds to put on and the amount of times when like something

will be happening, I'll be like, yeah, but I ain't got my leg on, have I? As if it's like it's finally just disappeared. Like, and it's just, that's like the ultimate excuse and she'd be like, well yeah, but you can go and put it on, can't you? And it's like, well yeah, but you're up, ain't ya? So you've got both your legs on. Hamburglar, why are you calling? Rubble, rubble. McDonald's has a new biggest burger called Big Arch, made with two 100% Canadian beef patties, a new delicious sauce, and all the McDonald's flavors you love, and...

Wait, you want me to help you get it? Rubble. Come on. Compare to beef burgers on McDonald's current menu at participating restaurants in Canada. Am I right in saying to Robin, he lost his front teeth, didn't he? Oh God, yeah. So basically he had one of them, you know the balance bikes where there's no pedals that just run. They're basically running on a bike. He had one of them from, you know, as old as you allowed one, I think it was two, just before two you allowed them. And he had one and he was amazing on it. But he was amazing at the point of he didn't understand fear. Like he got so good on this and he was

just like, and it was like, everyone used to say, my God, he's fantastic on that. And it's a real boner contention, right? So there's this place in South Shields called the Amphitheatre. It's an open air performance space down on the sea front that they do like little festivals there at the summer. And it's got like an under walkway bit that's covered over. Now the floor of that is tiled, right? But there's sort of sand everywhere because it's windy, it's the north. So he's coming down this hill that's paved

and then it goes under the tiled floor bit and turns to the right, okay? And what did it, he's only little and I'm running alongside him on this bike and me heart's in me throat. It's terrifying, right? And Rosie's just sitting watching me. And he only little and I'm running alongside him on this bike and me heart and me hearts in me through It's it's terrifying right and Rosie's just sitting watching me and he went down and I went right I don't think we should do this again. He went one more. I went right one more He did three times three is a magic number. I let him do three. I went there go

That's it and he started crying he went I want to do it again and Rosie went let him do it again And I said the words No, he nearly fell. It's dangerous And I said the words, no, he nearly fell. It's dangerous. And she said, and she said, do it again. Go on. Just let him do it again. And we did it again. And on that one, he's got too much sand on his wheel.

He slipped and his face hit the deck and he both his front teeth. He snapped his two front teeth in half. And it was the worst, one of the worst moments of my life. Like without a doubt, like he just hit the deck and he lifted his face up and there was just blood all over his face and two bits of his teeth were missing and Rosie handled it like a champ and I was flapping. Like, oh, what are you doing? Of course you were, mate.

Oh my God, Rosie, his teeth, his teeth are gone. She was like, calm down, go and get the car. And I ran like I've never ran to the car park, got the car, literally screeched around the car and I had to jump in the car, we drove off. She was like, calm your driving down and we're going to get the car. And I was like, I'm going to get the car. And she was like, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down,

calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm calm down, calm down like calm down, go and get the car. And I ran like I've never ran to the car park, got the car, literally screeched around the car and I had to jump in the car. We drove off, she was like calm your driving down or we're going to crash on the way to the hospital, you idiot. So we drove up there to the hospital, we had a look at it, went to the dentist the day after, they sort of filled them in, but then all these gums were like, they went a bit black and all these gums were really lumpy and stuff, so it was basically getting infected

and he got them taken out. It was- And does it affect him in any way? Absolutely not. They're just so resilient. And he's, I don't know where he gets it from. I'm a wimp and he is literally the one of the hardest people I've ever met in my life.

He's like nails. It's unbelievable. Does Rosie refute that story then? And, or is it a given that she said one more time and you stopped? All the years I've known you and you don't believe me. Well, what is this? No, I'm not saying it.

I'm on your side here. But if we get Rosie on the podcast, will she say it differently? Or is it a given in the family? She's busy. She can't come on your podcast. Leave her. Do not contact her.

We're gonna bring her out now. Like I'm surprised. Surprise. I feel like Keir Starmer. Let me just clarify the point here. If we had Rosie on the show, would she say that she said, go again, and you said, it's dangerous? Would she agree?

She will. She will agree, but she will then probably put forward the point that I should have just caught him like I did the previous three times. Fair enough. Which she will. She will agree, but she will then probably put forward the point that I should have just caught him like I did the previous three times. Fair enough. Okay. So, I mean, we've had that argument a lot. What was interesting about what happened was, we took him to Newcastle at the RVI hospital

to get the teeth taken out, right? And it was so strange. I had to kind of drop him at one door. And then he went in with the nurse and sort of put him under anesthetic and pulled the teeth out. And we had to walk around this kind of one way corridor. You kind of dropped him off and then you walk around the other way.

And then he came out with the other end, like a conveyor belt, like dropping your luggage at the airport. But like really- Did you tie something around him so he'd recognize him when he came around? Yeah. I cling filmed him,

like when people do throwailing on the street. But he'd come round, right? And honestly, right, we got around, we were so worried. I think I was probably crying, I'm a disgrace, but we were walking around and he came out and he was sitting, eating both front teeth gone, sitting, eating jelly on the nurse's knee and she was like, I can't believe it. She was like, literally, we'll put a tiny bit of the gas to just to chat. Did they even do the gas? I can't believe it. She was like, literally we'll put a tiny bit of the, of the gas to just a chat. I don't, did they even do the gas? I can't remember, but they didn't have to properly put them asleep.

They just did it. And it was out and there's other kids screaming and he was just sitting there eating, eating a little tub of jelly, just buzzing and honestly we hadn't realized, but he was a different kid. Once I got them taken out, he was all good. We need to ask you Rosie about, cause we asked Chris and he gave us his account of the day Robin lost his front teeth. Oh, I bet he did.

I bet he did give you his wrong account of the day that Robin lost his teeth. What did he say? Just that you really went to pieces and he was heroic. No, he's. He did say you were heroic and he went to pieces, but it was the discussion before the bike ride, wasn't it, I think, Josh? He said that once the accident had happened,

you absolutely owned the situation and he was a mess. But he said that it was your decision for Robin to have one more go. I knew he'd say that. I knew he'd say that. I knew he'd say that. Did he fully blame me? Yes. I think, yes.

He said, he even warned you, because he was taking Robin on a bike down a slope, and he went down a couple of times, and he nearly fell off, and then Chris caught him. And then he said, let's not do this anymore. And then you said, give him one last go. And Chris said that, he said, no, I don't think we should. And you said, let's not do this anymore. And then you said, give him one last go. And Chris said, he said, No, I don't think we should. And you said, do it. And then that's when the teeth accident happened. Is

that not correct? In my defense? It well, it kind of is right? Because that did kind of happen. But in my defense, he was the one who was taking him down the hill. I couldn't see because I was at the bottom, probably on my phone, not gonna lie. He was the one who was doing it and taking him down, so he knew how fast he was going. He could assess the danger of the situation more than I could. So, and I'm sorry, but how spineless have you got to be for me to just go, no, do it one more time. And him to go, all right, I'll do it one more time. Even if you know it's dangerous, that you're so scared to say no to you.

He acts like he's terrified of us, I swear to God. And you know what's annoyed me about that? I'm gonna have to have a word with him because when we wrote the book, that went in the book, and we decided to take 50-50 responsibility for that incident. Oh no! And I can't believe he's just chucked me under the bus like this on a podcast.

So we'll be having a word. Okay, well I thought that would be resolved but it sounds like it's just been opened up again. You've caused some in here. We've got to do a podcast later on. Have you got a feature in your podcast? You should do like Prime Minister's Questions where someone has to take the hot seat and just get

thrown at them with backup documents. I'm actually after a new feature. So that might work. We might do something like that. Is Robin aware now, he's kind of four, do you think, is he aware that you're doing a podcast in which he gets talked about? Like, does he understand stuff like the fact that you're on Instagram and stuff like that? No, he doesn't really know. Although he started when I was doing an advert the other day and I had my camera out and he gets really excited. He's like, are you, are you filming man? And I'm like, yeah. So he got the stuff out of the box and he was like, film this.

And I went, all right. And he went, hi everyone. He started doing like some, like a vlog. And I was thinking, Oh, God, he's been watching it too much. But no, we don't really he knows that we do a podcast. Yeah. And he knows that daddy goes on stage and makes people laugh. But other than that, he's got no idea. Like Chris was on The One Show last week, like I said, and we were watching it. And he just not faced at all. Yeah. Like he was just playing with his toys. Just like, and he's just not phased at all. Like, he was just playing with his toys,

just like, oh, there's my dad on telly. Like, can you imagine being a kid and your dad was on telly? Like, it would have blown our minds watching a parent. I'd have been absolutely gutted. You're mortified enough, but there's gonna come a point, I suppose, where, because you're mortified about your parents when you're a kid, when you get to a certain age, what, about 10 or something like that? Maybe a bit later.

So he'll start by getting excited about The One Show and then in 10 years it would be like, Oh no, my dad's on The One Show. Yeah, not again. What's he going to say? Well, I think we had Alison Hammond's son as a teenager and when we were doing the podcast with her, he could sort of overhear things that she was saying. And he was coming in, don't say that mum and sort of dictating the terms. So you're in a situation where you're trying to do a podcast and robbing a walk-in and go you're not

saying that as you're passing deck. So you're set up Ross you're you live up you're up north now in Manchester aren't you is that right? So it's your wife you your wife Lindsay and then your daughter Minna. Yeah. And how old's is Mina now? Four. Good age? Horrible isn't it? Worst, worst. Oh mate, the worst. If there was a statue of Mina in the garden, I'd be tearing it down due to a fascist. But it's straight, you tell me stories about Mina, like when she always went to bed at the right times, a very structured schedule, and she was a good sleeper and stuff like that. And then you tell me stories about like on trains, she'd just strip off naked and there's nothing you could do.

So what kind of child is she? Like, how is it? I always say to people, even a serial killer is peaceful when they're asleep. Right? You walk into Ted Bundy's bedroom at 3am and go, what's the fuss about? But you wouldn't want to be there at 8am when you woke up. So I have, and it's particularly men that love to hear about this, I've nailed sleep. And I say I, even though Lindsay and I did it together, I was sort of the one that came up with the plan, who said, what we're going to do, what we do to get our daughter to sleep

through the night. So I will admit we've got sleep. And I know a lot of people don't like to hear that, but blokes do. They like to perv in on my full night sleep and hear how I did it. This is not normally goes silent. It's like, Oh, just tell me again, Russ, just tell me again about your own. Eight hours for three weeks straight. So I'll tell you how I achieved that in a minute.

Cause it's like men love to hear I did it using nerdy charts, but it's when it's when the eyes flick open, that is when the hell begins. But that also proves that regardless of the temperament of your child, whether you've got one of the laid back ones dribbling on its bricks as it amuses itself, or whether you've got a holy water sizzling on the forehead bastard like I have, I do truly believe if you want to, and there's no reason why you have to, there's no pressure to get your child through the night. But if it's something you both desperately want as a couple, it can be achieved.

What was your, what was your method Russell? The benefit I've got is I'm the last one out of all my friends to have kids. Right. So, um, the downside is I'm going to be on a ventilator when she's on sports day. Um, the downside is I'm going to be on a ventilator when she's on sports day. And you're made as good. Do you remember the war? No, but the plus side is, um, I was able to watch all my groups of friends and what went wrong most often, apart from all the usual childhood illnesses of was

arguments about sleep, kids in the bed, sex life going down the drain, relationship going down the drain, where the child's on the throne, ruling the house as soon as it was born. So I was thinking to myself, do you know what? I don't want that to happen to me. Plus my mum was a child minder and a nanny, so she's a bit like badass with routine and sleep. So I just, me and Lindsay were bobbing around in the pool on one of those all inclusive holidays. And we're like, should we give it, should we, should we, should we start training for a baby? And I was like, before we do, before that Marvalon pill packet goes in the bin, we are going to be in agreement on sleep. And that's the mistake they make. Once they've got a screaming satanic object in front of them, that's when, should we have

the chat now? The time to have a chat is before fertilization. You need to agree about sleep in advance is really, really important. It doesn't matter if you both want to be bed sharing hippies baby hanging off the boom, boom and all that and you're both in the bed together and you got you're going to do attachment and go be up all night and be baby led. That's fine. No judgment from me. You shouldn't be judged by anyone. The problem is when you've got one person on one method and one on the other,

if you've got, you know, a mom saying, I do want the baby hanging off my boob by our marriage days and you wank in the spare room. That's an issue. No, but like, because I always think everyone's like putting pressure on women. Her breast is best. You need to do house. No, but it like, because I always think everyone's like putting pressure on women, her breast is best, you need to do attachment. No, what's best is a really buzzingly happy, mentally stable household where the children are being raised in a positive environment. If that means slamming formula into its mouth on day one, so be it.

Yeah. Do you, I mean, obviously the, you need to decide this before you get pregnant is of use to about 2% of our listeners. It should be a filter on Tinder. Early doors, isn't it? But to be fair, for us, for the people listening, what age was a middle sleeping through the night? So we did eight hours by eight weeks and 12 hours at 12 weeks.

They were my targets. They were your targets. Oh God, it's like the Wolf of Wall Street. I love it. Eight hours at eight weeks and 12 hours at 12 weeks. Tell us how. A little bit of baby trivia, which anyone now who's had a kid will know, but maybe never realized it before. Most babies are born, chronologically speaking, like daytime, nighttime speaking, back to front. So you anyone who's been lived with a pregnant woman will know baby doesn't do much all day sit down 8pm what what's a bit of Britain's Got Talent or

ever baby starts kicking. Yeah, every time and then kicks are all through the night. I've had a rubbish night sleep and then it sleeps all day. The reason for this is as far as the stuff I've read is, of course, of course, when you're walking around all day, if a woman's pregnant, she's rocking the baby effectively. And when she's laying down, the baby's not being rocked and babies fall asleep when they're rocked, right? So they think that's why so many babies are born awake at night asleep during that. And where you're so knackered, you just follow that pattern and you end up two, three, four, five years of screaming baby all night, asleep

all day. So contrary to what some people think about being some sort of sleep fascist and forcing a baby to sleep through the night, it's quite the opposite. My daughter was never allowed to cry or self-soothe or any of that nonsense that people hear. We just worked initially when she was tight, once she'd regained her birth weight, towards keeping her awake during the day, which is much, much easier. So you're just stretching. We're talking about when they're really tiny, just like a game on the kick mat, a mobile and inviting the nanas over when they're due for their scheduled nap. So babies need 16 hours sleep. Babies need 16 hours sleep. So why wouldn't you squeeze 10, 12 hours of that sleep into a night time and have the four hours naps throughout the day? So whenever she was due for a nap, that's when I'd let my mum in, start rocking her, so she falls asleep fine. Otherwise, I'd be getting like a vein in the side of my schedule head going in.

You should be awake by now. So it's not about getting them to sleep, it's about keeping them up. Indeed, initially. And then what you'll see is you can gradually stretch the periods at night and people are like, you should never wake a sleeping baby. You should never fuck off out my house. What I would do is if Minna was due for, I don't remember what the timings are now because it seems like a lifetime ago. So she's supposed to have 90 minutes morning nap from 10 to 11.30. 11.31, I'm unswaddling that child, getting her ready, fed on time,

awake on the kick mat. We were using like a cold flannel on her feet, anything to keep her stimulated and awake. Now friends were like, that'll never work. Like Japanese prisoner of war torture. Have you thought about working in Guantanamo Bay Russell? Sometimes I just scream in a face. Just play loud heavy metal for six hours. It was all done with like games. But it was our friends, every single one of course, they're

working this both together for you should be on pull nub at 4 a.m. Play the game. And that's the other bollocks that winds me up is that babies wake at 4am, 5am, there's nothing you can do. It's absolute dog shit. If you get on a plane to Australia, your baby doesn't magically know that sunrise has changed. It's because people's definition of what they call a blackout curtain is pathetic. It winds me up.

People are like, I've got the blackout just like it said. And you go in and you're like, you could kill a vampire within seconds in that room p.m. You shouldn't be able to walk across a blacked out room at midday like it should look like in Spanish and Italian people do proper blackout shutters and stuff. So that's what we did. So instead of doing a 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. date what use is that to a stand up because I want to be involved as a dad. I said to Lindsay let's do nine till nine till she goes to school then we get a bit of an evening and we'd and we'd get a lay in as well. So that's what my daughter sleeps. She sleeps from nine PM to nine AM. Blimey. and Richard Gere. Whatever it takes, make it invisible. The Agency, new series now streaming exclusively on Paramount+. with active noise canceling enabled, soft microfiber cushions engineered for comfort, and a range of colors and finishes. Dyson On Track, headphones remastered

by from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage, accessories sold separately. Jen, can you explain to us and the listeners your setup at home with your kids and stuff? Yes, I can. I am sharing my home with my ever-patient girlfriend and our two five-year-old twin boys.

And it's fun times all around. Oh, five-year-old twin. Sorry, because it's actually your life. But I shuddered. I'm sorry. Straight in with the empathy there. I did a live version. You know when you read an interview, someone goes, oh, no, fucking hell, five-year-old

twin. I'm sorry. Straight in with the empathy there. I did a live version. You know when you read an interview, someone goes, oh, no fucking hell, five year old quick boys, three dishes, having a shocker. That butt, sorry for saying that out loud. No, it's all right. I'm living it. I know it. I feel it. How's it been then? So have you been in homeschooling your five year olds?

Oh God, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, I have. And I am shit at it. I am so shit at it. It's just that they don't respect me. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not, I have. And I am shit at it. I am so shit at it. It's just that they don't respect you, your kids. I mean, not your kids, my kids. They don't seem to respect parents when they're homeschooling. I spoke to a few parents and they're like, oh, fuck it. I gave up after two days. Just trying to teach them stuff. Because you've got to teach them how to read. Everyone's going, now five, you don't have to do anything, mate. Just wait until they're 10. So they can't they can't turn

up at 10 and go, sorry, mate, still can't read because my parents didn't bother homeschooling me when I was five. So you've got to teach them things like phonic, jolly, phonic, I mean, the jolly bit fucked off a while ago, I'll tell you, it's just, it's just a horror show. And they don't like, honestly, if I'm trying to tell them to do anything, I don't want to do that. And anyway, you smell of poo smell of poo and it's like oh they love you smell of poo they love saying that. Do you think the fact you smell of poo is a problem though Jen maybe that's why you're struggling to home school if you didn't smell of poo. To be fair I've seen your stand-up Jen and there is a routine about you actually smelling of poo so I think they may be accurate in that.

Well and whose poo is it it's not my. I'm not like just slinging my poo around the house. It's their bloody poo. They are so obsessed with their bumholes at the moment. I made the mistake of saying bumhole to them and close like we don't say bumhole. We just say bottom and I went, it was too late. So bumhole's out. Yeah. And that's it. Bumhole's a great word though, isn't it? You forget how funny bumhole is. Could you use that to teach them all the different sounds and you could say... They want their funnest. And then it. Could you use that to teach them all the different sounds? And you could say... They want their phonics. It would be a great chance to teach them about the letter O, wouldn't it?

You go... Oh yeah, because my daughter's starting school in September and I don't understand this phonics thing where you learn the alphabet like A, B, C, D, N, E, but you didn't know what it was. That's the English one. I'm working on the Greek. But you learn all those sounds for ABC, but it's actually ab-er-cur. Is that right?

Well, yeah, but it's also more complicated than that. So you're learning sounds when you like, say you've got I-G-H together, then they have to learn that that sound is I, or if there's an O and a W together, that can be OUH. Or, you know, they've got to learn it like that. Or if there's an E at the end, like, like, actually bumhole is a very good example. Now, we've got, let's explore bumhole because there's a magic E at the end of hole. So the O is instead of being an O becomes an O. So it's not hole. It's what is it kids? Hole. That's right. It's a magic E at the end of hole. So the O is instead of being an R becomes an O. So it's not hole, it's what is it kids? Hole, that's right. It's bum hole.

So we're all learning something. We had magic E when I was growing up. Did you used to watch the look and read BBC TV shows at school? So it'd be like Badger Girl or Geordie Racer or something. No, I'm like 10 years older than you. So I did not think that. Badger Girl sounds like a TikTok star. I'm like 10 years older than you.

Badger girl sounds like a TikTok star. She just got, you know, documents to badgers in her garden. Which is not a euphemism. I struggled with reading, spoiler alert, as a kid. I had to go to learning support and we used to read the Biff Chippen Kipper books. My kids are reading those. Yeah. All I remember was they went, okay, you're going to go for private one-on-one readings. You know, I struck because I'm dyslexic. So I struggled with the reading.

And the book was just bigger. It wasn't an easier book or specialised. It was just the same book with one person just pointing at the word. That's an audition I needed. Obviously they're twins, Jen, but how different are those people in their reaction to it? Do you teach them together or are they kind of... Oh, they're completely different in every... They don't look at... Because they're fraternal twins because it was IVF, so obviously it wasn't an actual conception. And if it was for a same-sex couple, Jen, that would be the first question I'd ask,

to be honest, if it did happen. Just a lot of friction, Rob. Just a lot of friction. First things first, how does that happen? Let's keep rubbing till we start a fight. So what's the difference? Because I'm a bit ignorant to this. So what's the difference from an IVF twins as opposed to sort of natural twins, as it were? Sorry if that's the wrong terminology.

Well, no, it's completely the right terminology. If you're having a natural conception and you're having sex, and that's how you conceive. If you're doing it with IVF, what you do is you spend thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds and cross your fingers that something fucking happens. But it's a clinic and then we bought sperm from the internet. But you don't actually physically do that, right? It doesn't arrive. You must get Amazon Prime. You've got to keep it fresh. Do you know what? It's not that different actually. Really? No, no. I know you're going, I'll come in, what do you do? Log on and then just buy some sperm. Yeah. Really? Really? How much? How much is it?

Oh, liters of it. No, it isn't liters. It's been a long lockdown. Listen, we needed as much as we could get. No, there are lots of different sperm banks and it depends on which sperm bank you go to, but basically they have an online, I suppose. I want to say magazine. That's not brochure, something. And you can pick. Do they have like star ratings?

Trust pilot. They kind of do. I mean, in as much as you can see how popular that sperm is. I mean, I'd get one off, I'd get one off Checker Trade. So I've got somebody's Andy in the out. I've got enough sort of gobby talking people in our family. We need some of these skills. You'd get mixed messages. Really, I've got three of this donor. The first one was an absolute dream, but the last two, if I'm honest, were parapet. So it's 50-50.

Well, so what did you know about your sperm? So, what you don't get, you have no idea what your donor looks like. So, what you will get is information, and again, this really depends on the sperm bank, how much information they give you. So we went to the European sperm bank specifically because you get the most information about the donor. Right, yeah. And you get sort of information about their parents, sort about their parents' health, if there's any,

I don't know, dementia or cancer or anything like that in the family. I think you go back, the parents and then the grandparents, and then you can, what they look like, what they do for a living, interests, all that sort of stuff. Then you get a photograph of them as a baby, so you can kind of get an idea. We were a bit cruel because there was a photograph of them as a baby, so you can kind of get an idea. So, I mean, we were a bit cruel because there was a couple of babies that were completely boss-eyed and we were like, come on, let's swerve that. If you're paying for it, you're allowed to choose as far as I'm concerned. I mean, the irony is one of ours is boss-eyed now, so that was quite, that was karma. There we go. I mean, like you can spend weeks and months deciding and then in the end, it's kind of,

I don't know if other people agree with me, but it's kind of moot really, because what you want is a baby. Whatever you end up with, you're not going to be like, oh, well, I wish we'd gone for, you know, Jeff. He'd love, he had nicer eyes. You're going to be like, oh, this is my baby. So yeah, I can't even, I can't even tell you how we chose our sperm donor. I think we just went, Oh, fuck it. Him, you know, I think it was like that. And is it sort of, is it just some call with IVF you sometimes it's more chance of twins.

It's not like an option you pick like twins in the family. Again, it is an option we picked because you can choose. I don't know if you can still do this. I'm not sure, but you can put two. you can choose. I don't know if you can still do this. I'm not sure. But you can put two... By level, by level, buy one get one free. Eat out to help out. Well done, Jen. So that's an option, is it?

Yeah. Well, it depends how many you get, right? So you get, it depends how many embryos you get. So once you go through the process of IVF, right? And then you end up with however many embryos you do. And then we went through one round of IVF and it was, no, we'd been through two rounds of IVF and it had been unsuccessful. And we were like, oh, fuck this, it's costing a fortune. So the third round, Chloe was like, I'm going to stick two embryos in. And I was like, double dropping. Is that being at a festival? I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling it. Come on, flares on in a minute, I'm going to. And if you just wait in an hour, that one would have been fine.

We've got two now. And then you're like gurning your tits. I've been like, ah, I wish I'd just stuck to one. So yeah, that's basically what happened. Yeah. That's it for this special Best Of episode. I'm Natalie Cassidy, and I've been wanting to do a podcast of my own for a very long time. And here it is. I'm gonna be talking each week to family, friends, most importantly, you. I want to talk about the issues that

are bothering me, things that make me smile, and how we get through that washing basket without having a nervous breakdown. This is a podcast for the general public, for the normal people. So get on board, become part of my community, and let's have a laugh. Hello, it's me, Jessica Knappett and here, here, here, here, brand new podcast alert. I've got a new show for you. It's called Perfect Day. And yeah, you've figured out the premise already, haven't you?

Because you're so smart and because it's obvious. Every Thursday I interview a guest about what constitutes their perfect day so if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies and sweet memories you're gonna love this stuff. Ah we have got so many lovely funny nice people on. Your Ramesh Ranganathan's, your Dolly Alderton's, your Jamali Maddox's, Arabella Weirshe's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest, just worry about when you're going to listen to it. Or don't worry about when you're going

to listen to it, just actually listen to it. See you soon. Jess Knapp here, signing off, wishing you a perfect day. Perfect day on all your favourite podcast platforms.