Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 3

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

'Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 3'While we're on a very short record break so here's a hand crafted selection of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger... TRACK LISTING:1. Romesh Ranganathan (Series 1 Episode 29)2. Jo Brand (Series 1 Episode 37)3. Ivo Graham (Series 1 Episode 39)4. Paloma Faith (Series 2 Episode 7)5. Peter Crouch (Series 1 Episode 43)6. Nadiya Hussain (Series 2 Episode 17)7. Alan Davies (Series 1 Episode 9)See you on Tuesday for the return of Bobby B and Stiff Neck! If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell, Volume 3. What are they into? Well, what they are into, which has come to the fore during lockdown, is Fortnite, which is this Battle Royale online video game, but we cannot stop them playing. And we went out for dinner with this couple a few, maybe like two years ago.

And they were talking about how one of their kids was addicted to Fortnite, right? And they were saying, oh, it's just a nightmare. He won't get off it. And we said to him, we want you to just stop playing Fortnite for a day or whatever. And he kicked off. And Lisa and I were so smug like we we sat there we sat there going oh yeah no that's difficult isn't it

when they get into that and you know when you do that thing on the drive home we were going oh isn't it it's a shame isn't it when people allow that because i think what's good what's good about us is we're very clear on the rules and it sounds far too sounds far too violent for our children to play doesn't yeah no i'm glad i'm glad we've stuck firm with that cut to now i've got kids talking about assault rifles for like nine hours a day in my house the five-year-old talking about i'm gonna get that rocket launcher i mean it's it's insane and it crept into our lives because the our eldest son who's probably the most i mean you know not just i would i would say it's over and above the fact that he's that he's the eldest i think he's more

sensible than the other two just generally he's kind of got that vibe about him and um he he came and spoke to us and he issued he did he did it properly you know he had supporting arguments yeah he did he properly did he said i'd like can i have a chat with you guys about something so like yeah and he he talked us through how he his friends play fortnight it's a social thing um he won't get too carried away with it would it be okay for him to be allowed to play fortnight and lisa and i just wallowing in the pride in what our son had done just disgusting kind of just isn't it god we really, we really... Do you know, sometimes I kind of can't believe what a good job we've done with him.

You know, like... You sound like the government. You're like the government when coronavirus was sneaking up. We're doing pretty well here, aren't we? Yeah. Honestly, it was so sickening how proud of ourselves we were.

You know, for him to come and talk to us like that. Anyway, so we allowed him to do it but the problem is and this is the common thing that we keep coming up with is the idea

that you can allow one of your children to do something regardless of age gap and completely compartmentalise that from the others is a fantasy it's an absolute fantasy

so as soon as he started playing it our second son is like can I is it possible to play now he'd show he provided no support in arguments Absolute fantasy. So as soon as he started playing it, our second son is like, can I, is it possible to play? Now he'd show, he provided no supporting arguments. If anything, his behaviour up to that point had been a series of counter arguments to letting him anywhere near Fortnite, right?

But regardless of that, we didn't want to be unfair. So we said, all right, let's play. And we had all these bullshit rules as well. Can we just say that you're going to play for one and a half hours a day maximum? And listen, when we say it's time to come off, you come off. There's no arguments.

And they went, yeah, no, that sounds fair. That's absolutely the way we do it. And so like mugs, fucking mugs. We went, yeah, okay. And then once you've done two, how can you look at your little, your son and stop him from from engaging it so then so what's it on is it on xbox that's the problem josh it's on everything it might it is on everything it's on playstation it's on xbox it's on mobile phone i'm pretty sure you can play it on a on a fucking water bottle if you want to. They have extended that game everywhere.

There is no format that that game hasn't reached. It's insane, man. And when you look on YouTube, there's loads of videos. Loads of videos. I mean, that's the other side of it, is the YouTubers that have been spawned by Fortnite. My children, if they are not playing Fortnite, they are watching YouTube videos of people playing Fortnite

and attaching drama to a series of completely inconsequential events that are happening in front of them on the game. I mean, it is... So could you explain Fortnite to me? Yes, of course. Yeah, so what it is, is... Have you played, Rob? I can't i i find fortnight quite hard but i play the same style of game but with call of duty war zone which is like right

real like is it like a simulation of a war zone where fortnight's like sort of like colorful characters and mad like mad stuff isn't it and then you have to build is it like doom like a modern version of doom well well you you basically you you drop you drop you drop down onto an island and um you find weapons and there are there are 99 other people on that island you know other characters or all these other players and you have to be the last one standing that's the aim of the game but you can also do it as squads so you can team up with a couple of mates and and there's a social element to it so and and and the thing that makes it more addictive because there's lots of games like that the thing that makes it more addictive is there's loads of

these different skins you can play as you know they've got like you can play as spot uh deadpool you can play as aquaman like they And they put these skins on the shop and the shop has these skins for a limited amount of time. They've got you over a barrel, mate. How much are you spending? Mate, I don't even want to think about it. I mean, every day, every other day, I would say, that's not an exaggeration.

One of the kids comes up to us and tells us about a new skin that's been released. It's available for onlyation one of the kids comes up to us and tells us about a new skin that's been released it's available for only 24 hours and they absolutely have to have it

and you end up and you end up paying 20 quid and they go look at the skin I've chosen and they're playing as a hot dog

and I'm supposed to be and I'm supposed to be happy about that. It is just a money pit, though, those sort of things. No, but the thing is, this is a crazy thing, right? So the kids are trying to legitimise it to me. They're trying to explain it to me that it's a serious thing. And they do do these events and stuff, and it is proper top-level stuff.

If you get to the top level of Fortnite, right, you can play proper proper tournaments the top people the prize money is three million dollars right some like one of these tournaments they're not playing as a fucking hot dog mate absolutely not imagine trying to camouflage that where would you go in the woods there's a hot dog that's three million i've spent i've spent the whole game behind the kiosk it's the only place I can get any cover. Have you ever used any of your psychiatric nurse training as a parent, Jo? Well, yes, I think I probably have.

Because the big thing about like psychiatric nursing really is because I worked in a very high kind of, you know, there was a very high potential for sort of violence and people getting out of control because it was an emergency clinic i i think that the one thing that i that i learned to do was to at all costs keep calm and pretend you don't care that's actually quite good for comedy as well yeah um and if you look as if you don't care people genuinely think you don't you know so whenever there were kind of tantrums when they were small when they were much smaller when they're like two or three you know I never ever let it kind of sort of get out of control with me because I just think that made things 10 times worse and I've seen parents do it really lose it I saw one today in a restaurant and they

properly like the kid lost it but then the mum started properly arguing with him and it just it just made it worse and worse and worse I'm not gonna lie to you though it was a great watch oh yeah when your kids behave and they're kicking off it's absolute gold isn't it a dream it's the summer holidays as well coming off the back of lockdown with the summer holidays and you know the fear of potentially schools not starting again that puts a lot of pressure on parents when they're working and stuff like that and I imagine Joe how was it for you as well like I know a burn was at home a lot but like did you get home late and then get up in the morning to try and see the kids and stuff. Because, you know, it's hard when you get home late touring.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, I did all the time. I mean, you know, for five years I probably got roughly three hours sleep a night. Yeah. And you just kind of get used to that in the end. You know, it was all right, really. It was fine. And also I actually really did sort of think about what work I did.

I never did anything where I had to go away from home for very long. When I used to tour, I used to, I can't believe I did this now, but I used to come home every night. I know. That is insane. The best bit of touring is not coming home, Joe. What are you doing? I know it is.

I don't know. I just kind of thought, I can't do that. You know, I never did more than one night anywhere. And I think the furthest I went was Newcastle. That's quite a long way home. And actually one night when Eliza, my youngest, was really, really young, I flew up to Edinburgh in the afternoon. And then after the, it was a TV thing.

When that finished at half 10 i got someone to drive me home and i got in at half four in the morning and i can remember like the front door opening and burn just like handing her over to me because she was screaming her head off and poor thing he'd just been up all night with us so yeah anyway those are the days yeah i mean i remember having an argument with um lou about like similar sort of scenario like that when she just went to hand me the baby and then she was going but you get to sit in a car for two hours driving somewhere and i was like oh my god what is our life when that's a good point like that's the found the people in the relationship are jealous about the commute. But it's so true, though. I mean, you must do that as well.

You keep that sort of tally in your head right down to the last second of how long they've sort of, you know, done their sort of child duty and how long you've done. And if it's half an hour more than them a day, you're like, right. At the start, we said to each other, we will never argue about who's the most tired. OK, because someone might be, but it's not going to help. It's only going to. So we're just never. We're just going to be both tired like that.

And it was in the shots. And it was desperate to have a row with me. She went, I did this and I did this. I went, no, we said we'll never make who's most tired of competition. She went, it's not a competition, but if it was, I'd fucking win. I tell you what, go for a coffee and i'll have the kid for a bit what i would say to counteract all of the the nice things that i've got going on is emotionally it's been a bit more challenging because me and my daughter-in-law aren't together we broke up last year um which was obviously to quote quite a lot of my family not ideal timing um but while obviously these things are incredibly sort of stressful and sad

and complicated we we sort of it was done with the sort of best of intentions and and sort of very amicably and particularly over the sort of Christmas period, we started to get, I think, into quite a nice co-parenting rhythm in London. And we hang out most days. And I think at the beginning of this year, it was like, OK, we're starting to feel now like we're sort of doing OK at this new chapter. And maybe even now we might be able to start getting a bit more closure from our relationship. Yeah, moving on slightly, but still co-parenting. closure from our relationship. Yeah, moving on slightly, but still co-parenting. It wouldn't say it was the best time for a global pandemic to have forced us back into the same lovely listed home. Essentially, the pandemic has led to you to playing a kind of act out of your own parents' situation when they had children either uh yeah i that's

exactly it i mean my parents uh weren't in this specific house they weren't in graham hall obviously they weren't in graham hall they were in they were actually in japan um on another chapter of the wild expat ride that i've been i wouldn't try and improvise what graham hall would have been in japanese because i don't think it ends hugely well. Ivor, just to be clear, so basically you were sort of, were you still living together in London? We weren't living together. In one of a series of quite sort of cruel, ironic twists that have sort of befallen my life over the last year, I was living just down the road with a couple of friends of mine called Julian and Rose. Basically, if you went to Eon and you fall into any sort of

trouble in your adult life you get sent a sort of emergency julian uh to bail you out so they they live just down the road and so it was perfect they had a spare room unfortunately just after i moved in with them um they then told me that they were expecting a baby so my i mean i was never going to be in their spare room for too long because eventually i'll probably get my own place but it did put a a very specific time deadline and that cot is quite small you're a tall man aren't you it's not ideal rob during the you know of course occasional darker moments uh when one wonders sort of uh quite how things have come to this to have a nursery being assembled around you. And they're like, oh, you know, obviously,

you can stay as long as you want, but we're going to build the baby bouncer today, if you don't mind. That'll just be here next to your boxes. Before lockdown, I'd moved in with Julian and Rose, but I hadn't completely adjusted emotionally or administratively to the new situation. And I'm not the most organized person at the best of times. So I realized at the end of a sort of evening coming home from a gig, that I hadn't got the keys to their place. But I did still have the keys to my old place. But this

was when sleep wasn't going quite as smoothly. And it wasn't ideal if she woke in the night. And I thought, well, I could come in at like one in the morning and just sort of sleep on the sofa because I'm doing the early shift tomorrow anyway. But I don't really want to wake her up because that just won't be ideal for anyone. And I'm afraid to say that the decision I took, given that it was only about five hours until she woke up anyway,

was to instead use the third set of keys at my disposal, which were the keys to our Ford Focus, which is part of the Black. So just a lovely all-nighter in the Ford. And by the way, to anyone thinking of buying a Ford Focus with the potential for their own family taking on this new thrilling shape, I would say that the seats actually don't recline all the way down in the Focus. They did in my old Toyota Corolla, but they didn't in the Focus. So it wasn't a terrific

night, actually. Did you not go back seat? I'd go back seat. No, but the back seat has the baby seated. Oh, of course. And I'm not confident enough with the ISOFIX to take the baby seat out and put it back in again. And again, you know, when I, because I thought, okay, it's straight across the back seat. And I had forgotten. And again, in a sort of, you know, metaphor for the reminders of my situation, I'd forgotten, of course, there it was, the hulking baby seat a couple of weeks before then I'd done

a gig where I had um I was driving three people to the gig so I thought right great one in the front with me and then two in the back next to the baby seat and I would say the why it takes up maybe 1.25 seats it encroaches into the middle so my friend who was doing the gig with me looked at it and said oh it's a bit tight in the back do you think there's any chance we could put the baby seat in the boot and it was too embarrassing to say no because i'm not confident enough of being able to put it back in after it's very stressful i'm not a very practical man i went to an all boys boarding school which prioritized a sort of intellectual growth rather than practical growth. And also, I was livid because they were a couple. I was like, yeah, cosy up in the back.

Hello, Paloma Faye. Thank you for coming on the show. Hello. That sounded like a proper old-school radio presenter. Yeah, yeah. Hello. Welcome to the show. It's almost daytime. That's what I'm going for. Hello.

Yeah, I'm the upbeat one. That's the thing. Josh does it a bit more cash, don't you, Josh? How would you have done it? I just said, hello, welcome to the podcast. How many fucking kids you got? That is quite a lot. Josh's general sort of state of being is underwhelmed so I work with Rob I think Rob could be one of our great Radio One Breakfast DJs

one of the greatest Radio One Breakfast DJs do you know what I think I've still got time I'm 35 do you reckon I can pretend too late Greg James is having a go he's my age That's the problem with being a Radio 1 DJ is it's a ticking time bomb, isn't it? You know you're getting moved on. It's just when. Is it when you wear a boot cut jean? What is it that happens? You walk in one day and they go, no, he's lost it or she's lost it.

Wearing a mobile phone, whole stuff. Yeah, exactly. Is that when you walk in with your kids? They're like, no, no no kids here um so Paloma what's your setup with children what's what's going on in the world of Paloma Faith I've got one four-year-old and one that's very soon to come in my in utero yeah so oh wow wow that is that is as pregnant as you get before you have a baby, isn't it, really? That was a visual, by the way. That wasn't just us impressed with the terminology.

So how far off are you, Paloma? Well, I sort of, I try not to say because my last birth was so wrong. It's a bit like when you go for your driving test and you don't want to tell anyone you've gone. So I sort of just, because everything went wrong. She was early. It was a big bloody mess. Oh, dear.

It was just on many levels. So I try not to focus too much on the date. Fair enough. You know it's going to happen, but it's not. Foodish. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. I'll say we, but Lou, you know, it was quite a traumatic birth for Lou with our firstborn.

And the amount of people when they go, yeah, it was so magical. We had a home water birth. For us, it was like, you know, being in the trenches. It was something like, it wasn't a magical day. We were just happy that it happened and everything was OK in the end. But I found it quite a stressful experience. But, you know, hopefully this time around it'll be much smoother sailing. So how old's your first child, Paloma? Four. And how are they feeling about the incoming sibling? They say they're excited, but I'm sort of sniggering

because I'm like, you don't know what's coming. I keep saying to her, like, I'm trying to sort of manage her expectations. Yeah, yeah. Like I said, like like this baby's gonna cry a lot and it will probably get on your nerves but I said but then we could just leave it with daddy and run away

and she's she's like in on it she's totally like whispers it in my ear like if we don't like it can we run away and leave it with daddy and I'm like absolutely i'm like you and me felma and louise

have you got have you got a plan for like bringing the baby back then like some people get present for the the older kid or anything like that or you just you know it's just the escape plan you've got? I bought the present. I thought it was a nice idea. But now that I've received the boxes, I'm not sure how that baby's going to have held those boxes inside my stomach for the full term. You could say she picked it up on the way back to the house.

That's a good point. I'll say she only had her credit card in there and she just did it online. And now you've got like the younger ones. Is there stuff that you did with the first couple of kids that you think, actually, that weren't a good plan, that weren't a good idea, and you've readjusted for the younger ones now there's a bit of an age gap? Well, definitely with the, obviously with the two-year-old,

we let in our bed and that is just, you know, he's in there now at the moment. I think Ab's got Peppa Pig on at the moment in bed with him. So you didn't do the bed, like letting them in the bed with the eldest two, just the two-year-old? No, we did.

We did like with the eldest, but then she was like, right, I've had enough of these kids. I'm getting in my own bed. You know, one of those. She wouldn't come in ours anymore. Then, obviously, the five-year-old. How big's your bed, Peter? Because you've got quite a big bed anyway.

Yeah, it's big. You have a special bed. Oh, yeah. We had ours made. I think it's eight foot long yeah i think it might be eight foot wide oh my life oh wow yeah it's big that's big that's a beauty i mean still not big enough for what is essentially six humans yeah well i said to i said to have i'm sure we got the dog as well and uh i said she's in the bed she's not no no no i've made sure that's downstairs you know

stays downstairs um but she's she was talking about potentially getting a another dog to keep him company and i said i am not having one more breathing thing in this household you know my foot down there i said anything that's living is not coming in here it's a carcass of a dead dog it's dead it's fine it can sit in the kitchen floor no not having it no i had to put my foot down um so that it was the the kids in the bed thing that's something that you had to stop then yeah yeah like i say with the one year old you know i just said look we i think this is ridiculous we're gonna have to make sure that we're on it with it with with this one and and and amazingly it's just you know he's just good as gold really is and we put him in at seven and we pick you know we go we go back in at seven he doesn't make a peep he's just good as

gold oh that's amazing and so the one that's currently in the bed just for people who are listening it's about 8 p.m um what will they be in the bed all night? Well we've got like a cot next to our bed so basically when I, he goes to sleep in there and then when I come up I'll carry him in there put him in the cot, yeah so then me and Av can watch something or whatever

and then we'll, you know, he'll end up getting in about 5 o'clock or something like that There's no danger of them rolling out the bed with an 8 by eight, is there? That's the beauty of it. It's not. It's not. But, you know, he's quite tall for two, obviously,

and he loves lying sideways. So, you know, when you wake up, you wake up and your face is on the side table. Imagine having an eight foot by eight foot bed made and it's still not enough. You're going to have to go for a 12 by 12, Peter. You're going to have to and it's still not enough it must have to go for 12 by 12 peter you're gonna have to upgrade your bed i'm gonna have to a lot of footballers they have kids quite early and they have like there's a lot of footballers that are parents

do you talk about when you're in the dressing room how much would parenting come up like was it because like i'm going to be honest with you with other comedians i've got kids it's all we kind of complain about so would that be would you be sat there with you know harry kane complaining about having kids yeah without doubt um you know it's the same in any working industry probably yeah of course you complain about it and you know you say good things about it people will recommend good holidays to go with the with the the family, bits and pieces like that. So, um,

what's, what's strange about footballers is probably, uh, you know, people do seem to have kids early. And I think it's because, you know, earning pretty decent,

decent money, what have you, and you feel quite comfortable and you're, you're settled with your wife. And it's always good to sort of the club sort of encourage having a family because then you're sort of, yeah, because you're out of, of nightcl they? Yeah, because you're out of nightclubs.

You know, you're out of, you know, you're on the straight and narrow. You know, you're changing nappies rather than, you know, whatever else you do. So did a manager say to you, did Rafa Benitez go, mate, you've got to have a kid here? Yeah, I've been told, you know, a few times it's all about, you know, getting a girlfriend, settle down as quickly as possible the clubs encourage it yeah because it's it's better for everyone if you're a single lad usually if you're in a if you're anything like me you're not eating correctly you know you're probably not having as much sleep as you should have and

you know certainly when i when i met ab she Ab, she's looking after me in a way that probably I couldn't look after myself. Peter as well, with like playing football, it's so strict, obviously, there's like the schedule and all the games and stuff. Have you missed any sort of key moments, like birthdays or like with the kids or first days at school and stuff,

like you've had to sacrifice because of playing or the club's a bit more quite understanding with that kind of stuff? Yeah, not so much. I mean was i was quite lucky in the fact that i had i had kids late you know so i it was sort of like when i say late it's late in in my football career really so i was 30 when i had my the first and then we had the lp you're past it 30 surprised you're still fertile at that 30. I'm talking about in football, you know, people retire 32, 33, 34, you know, they're, they're retired. So when I look at, you know, some of the players and, you know, they have that problem of, they might be playing a champions league game and their wife is pregnant. I mean, you can't say, I'm just thinking about when I was playing and, you know, if I turn around to

reference, say, well, I'm not coming. Cause my wife might have the baby, you know, you can't say, I'm just thinking about when I was playing, you know, if I turn around to a referee and say, well, I'm not coming because my wife might have the baby, you know, it doesn't always wash, you know. It's like, you know, is she in labour? And you say, you know, I've seen players do it. And they say, is she in labour? And you say, no. And they say, well, get yourself on the plane then. So then you could be, you know, somewhere else

and there's been plenty of players that have missed the birth oh and they've missed the birth of their kids oh no you made yours though didn't you yeah yeah

I made it I've made it I've been there for all four with all the different nationalities in the dressing room as well obviously in football it's such like random like collection of people

that in most workplaces you wouldn't get have you heard any sort of wacky ways that like people have done stuff with their kids and everyone else in the dressing room is like, what? You can't do that. Different ways of parenting and having kids.

Yeah, I think, you know, one of the best things about being in a football dressing room is like you say, the different cultures and different ways that everyone does stuff. And yeah, I absolutely love sort of like just sharing stories and you know for instance christmas you know the amount of people that celebrate on christmas eve that's something that i i didn't really know like everyone like every you know i used to come in i used to come in on christmas day we trained obviously we trained on christmas day and um you know the lads would be like yeah we've we've done our christmas really you know, the lads would be like, yeah, we've done our Christmas really. You know, presents, the meal, everything was done on Christmas Eve.

And I used to think, oh, yeah, like, and I'd be traveling on a bus on Christmas Day to like Norwich or something. And I'd think, that's probably a good idea, actually. Why did I start doing that? I was having a turkey sandwich on the bus to Norwich going yeah I see

that was a great idea you know that's probably a good way hello Nadia Hussain how are you I'm good hi yeah

I'm tired of babysitting my mum's grandkids yeah can she have them back now please I'd say that is Tired of babysitting my mum's grandkids. Can she have them back now, please? I'd say that is the ultimate opening line we've had. How many kids have you got, Nadia? And how old are they?

So I've got two boys, teenagers, 14 and 13. At the time, when I had them when they were young, one after the other, it felt like a good idea. I'm regretting that choice now because now I have two teenagers, which is a lot of hormones, a lot of acne and a lot of food. Sounds like a bake-off tent. Yes. Yes, that was pretty much the bake-off tent. And then I've got my 10-year-old daughter who is basically reverted back to being a two-year-old and she's attached to my ankles so yeah we're having a great time oh wow wow so normally they'd be at school

but you're home schooling now presumably yeah yeah um it's weird because the boys are fine they're quite good because they're really busy they've got lots of the school's been really good at giving them work um and my little girl is, she comes down and she's like, I have to do something creative. And I'm like, what does that mean? And like, that usually means she wants to bake a cake or paint something. And I'm like, why don't you go outside and collect flowers? And that lasts for all of about five minutes.

Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work. Especially when it was snowing for about a week. That's a tough, that's a tough creative gig, minutes. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work. Especially when it was snowing for about a week. That's a tough creative gig, isn't it? Yeah, it is. But what I did find was that when she said I need to do something creative and something for – she had a task and they said do something helpful. So I got her to sit down and unsubscribe to all my emails.

No way. That's amazing. Nature gave me these little laborers. Why not? So I got her to sit down and she thought it was the best job in the world. She felt really kind of, she felt really grown up by it. But you know, I subscribed to a lot of rubbish. And so she was unsubscribing and she just said, mom, that's a lot of emails. I was like, yep, you just get, she's done the lot, done the lot. Amazing amazing that's genuinely the best task I've heard anyone she kind of culled the lot she's it's good to get a kid to do it because she started asking and then I kept saying oh no no maybe keep that one and she said no I'm not asking you anymore she just it's really good because she kind of just she she took hold of the situation and she dealt with it like a true 10-year-old.

And she just said, back off, I'll do this. And she did it. And honestly, it's the best thing I've done this year is get her to do that. She's like, what's the decluttering woman called? Oh, Mary Kondo. Yeah, she's like that. You know that's her name. You know that's my daughter's name.

It's Mary. Oh, wow. There we go. And are the boys as helpful or are they a bit more grunty and on their own on the computers and stuff? I mean, they're really good at asking me if I need help. It's when I say yes that the truth comes out because it's like often they always ask me. Honestly, they always, they're really, like, they're really good at asking me, do you need help? And it's the second I say yes, I do, they're like, oh.

And sometimes it's just easier to do it myself um and I think with the kids boys being at home like we've had to establish boundaries that we haven't had to normally and actually it's my poor husband that suffered the most because he works from home uh he works in IT boring we don't need to talk about that um so he works in IT and hisoring, we don't need to talk about that. So he works in IT and his, you know. I want to hear more about your husband's job, Nadia. No, please don't. Please don't. You know what I do?

When I can't sleep, I ask him to talk about work. And so he doesn't, honestly, it works. It's like a lullaby to me. So, cause he talks about it and it's so dull and so many letters and it's so boring and he just talks and I fall asleep it is magical honestly we should do a podcast on IT and get people to fall asleep it's great I mean to be fair though I am genuinely interested how big can the cloud get and where is it how can it just hang there where what it's the set there's got to be a machine somewhere taking it hasn't it yeah so many letters what does it all mean but the poor man he works from home and so usually it's

my husband and the cat that are at home and and ever since lockdown now we've kind of taken over the space and I'm a whole I'm at home so much more and the kids are all at home and so you could see the look on my husband's face. He's like, seriously, get lost. Why are you all here for? So, cause he had his, like he had run off the, you know, he could come in, make a coffee. He didn't have to stop to see how I'm feeling. He didn't have to stop to make, he didn't have to stop to make any small talk with me. He could just get in. My husband's not a talker. He gets in, makes his coffee, gets out.

But when I'm stood in the kitchen and I'm like, oh, I'm having a bad day. He's like, oh, man. But then there's the kids. So I think he suffered more than anyone else having us at home. But the boys spend so much time upstairs. It's really hard because I'm like, let's play rummy cub. And they're like, please not rummy cub. And what do they play instead then?

Are they on computers or are they on their phones? Well, we don't allow phones during the week. So there was a point where we're like, oh, you've got to talk to your friends. And, you know, you've got to keep socialising. But they were just on the phones all the time. So yeah, Monday to Friday, we've called them and said, no, you can't have them Monday to Friday because they talk to all their friends on their chats

while they're at school. So I said, not Monday to Friday. And then on a weekend, we might let them have their phones occasionally, but it's like you give them an inch and they take a mile. And genuinely they're getting humps like camels. What's going on? Because they're looking down all the time. So was like guys can you look up like I feel like I

haven't seen their faces because they're always kind of looking down either laptop or phone so like I feel really guilty but equally I'm still the parent so I'm like no you can't have them I quite I'm enjoying parenting a little bit more now than this this last year and a half than I have ever because I don't actually care how they like I care how they like before I suppose because I was away a lot more I used to feel really guilty and so I'd give in a little bit more yeah and now because I'm at home I'm like well let's just make it make each other's lives hell together. Alan, if you had a day to yourself and Kate and the kids were out and you could just do whatever you wanted for the whole day indoors,

what would your day look like? Oh, my concern would be how can I slow time? I would love to sit and watch TV. But obviously, you know what I'm like. What I'd like to do is turn on the TV and there's a really good Premier League game. Yeah. I don't know what I would do on myself. What can you do?

There's nothing to do. Are you watching old sports? Are you watching old Premier League trying to kind of get the hit? I try to watch the Bundesliga. I give myself a Bundesliga team. Yeah. And I chose Cologne because I went to Cologne last year with Arsenal. It's a lovely city.

I had a lovely time. And I turned on Watch Cologne. They went 2-0 up early. I thought, oh, this is great. And then they blew a two-goal lead and drew. And I had the same feelings of anger and frustration over my own team. I thought, well, this is a mistake. You're looking for a Bundesliga team, just support Bayern Munich.

Don't do it to yourself. I think you're allowed to glory hunt if this is all we've got. It means nothing. You can totally glory hunt. Were you pleased when your kids got into football? I would absolutely love that if my daughter got into football. Yeah, I am. I mean, how it will last, I don't know.

They're at an age now when they'll do what they think daddy likes. But later on, they might turn on me. It gives me more pleasure, to be honest, when they play sport than when they watch it. Yeah. It gives me more pleasure that my little, you know, they've got a football team that trains out the back of us and they started a girls' team last year and there's about 50 girls over there now,

whereas my daughter, initially, there were girls joined in with the boys, but the boys are, frankly, seven, eight, nine-year-old boys are just sexist. They're some of the most sexist people I've ever met. They've got such a low opinion of girls. And it manifests itself in physical violence. Like a 70s comedy club it's really odd girl so they don't pass them they knock them over first chance they get god that's the suppressed inability to talk to them that's what that is how are you at sports

stage you get passionate about them winning or like when you watch them do you find yourself getting like too excited you have to calm yourself down because you don't want to be that parent or are you quite chilled? Well, I only feel excited about them. When my daughter did win a race and the real pleasure of it was, first of all, she amazed herself that she'd won a race. And then she turned and ran the length of the track with her arms spread out wide,

market Premier League centre forward to celebrate with. And I managed to get a picture of that because I was on the track with all the parents at the finish line. And the joy on her face was really something to see. I think the idea that you should do away with competitive sport, I think, has seen its day. But it gives them such pleasure.

But I wouldn't, you know, I'm not going to be a pushy parent because we're to the point where they start they start hating sport you know like a kind of Andre Agus's dad yeah

end up with a mess habit I don't want that no no it's not ideal but I'd rather they were outdoors and looking at the screen

yeah what is your screen time are they on their iPads a lot are they watching a lot of cartoons and TV and stuff we try to ration it

because partly because not because we've got any you know sense of what's right and wrong or good or bad and who knows but i think it's definitely true that if they're on it too long they become really antsy and gnarky and they get this their body temperature goes up the eyelids start drooping and then they're they're kind of unmanageable for an hour. You think, oh, this is some combination of tiny brain and all this racket and noise. And they're absorbing a lot of American stuff and there's just a lot of fast-moving imagery and a lot of noise.

And even some of your favourite British cartoons have gone a bit crazy. You know, that postman Pat went mad and he got a helicopter for his special deliveries. And it used to be all about, oh, he's got a birthday card to deliver to Mrs Muggins or whatever, and that would be the whole episode. I think now the idea of them watching Trumpton

or even Thunderbirds, that wouldn't be enough. Why has he got a helicopter then? He's just doing special deliveries in a helicopter. Sorry, I know this isn't the point, but why has he got a fucking helicopter? Unless he's delivering a helicopter, there's no need for it. I mean, the budget. The budget of the Royal Mail where he is.

And same with Farman Sam. They're just a remote community on the Welsh coast. They've got a chopper. They've got their own chopper just for the well-being of the eight kids at the primary school. So if my kids fall over on Hampstead Heath, they're expecting an air rescue. That's what they think.

I find as well, my daughters have started to speak with a slight American twang. They sound a bit like, you know when Scandinavians learn English by watching Friends? Because they're watching so much Netflix. My daughter was like, I'm kind of hungry. I was like, what? You're kind of just that weird twang.

Because growing up, we never watched any American cartoons. It was only the older stuff. I did watch quite a lot of Scooby-Doo and the Flintstones or something, but that just meant me going, oh? I didn't have a rising inflection. Have you lost it at all

with them over lockdown? Has it just gnawed away at you that they did or were doing? Well, I think in common with most of your guests, yes, daily. Anything in particular you thought that, I shouldn't have got angry over that? Well, we've got a brick wall in our garden and it's about six feet high.

And when I saw the eight-year-old helping the four-year-old on top of it, that had raised and voiced strong objections to that conduct. and when I saw the eight-year-old helping the four-year-old on top of it, that I did. I raised and voiced strong objections to that conduct. And then, foolishly, I shouted from an upstairs window, get down! And then the four-year-old was looking. No, don't get down!

Stay there! I'm going to get a helicopter! Buying them a six-foot brick wall was a strange present for the garden. No, I should say it's the boundary for the next property. In the business of the lawn. Yeah, just getting ready for Tough Mudder. Over the wall. Come on.

That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be back next week.