Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 4

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

'Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 4'While we're on a very short record break so here's a hand crafted selection of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger... TRACK LISTING:1. Sindhu Vee (Series 1 Episode 64)2. David Baddiel (Series 1 Episode 62)3. Mark Watson (Series 1 Episode 53)4. Carl Donnelly (Series 1 Episode 55)5. Doc Brown (Series 1 Episode 47)If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell, Volume 4. So then you started stand-up when your daughters, when your children, the older ones, were teenagers, is that right? Yeah, two were in double figures and one was very young. And how did the kids react to that? Well, Josh, for the longest time I was doing open mic in, you know, butt fuck. They didn't know what I was doing. They were like, you're not really, anyway, I never read good night stories and all that because they don't be in India. And I thought it was always so tedious. So that's not

like they missed that. But what about bath time? No, bath time. No, they have a bath. What am I going to do? I mean, of course they're not that small. When they were small, I was in the bath. I didn't want them to drown. But as soon as they could have a bath, time? No, they have a bath. What am I going to do? I mean, of course, they're not that small. When they were small, I was in the bath. I didn't want them to drown. But as soon as they could have a bath, I was like, go have a shower. What are you doing? So what age would you let them shower alone? You know, when they were like a reasonable age, whatever, like, I don't know, six, seven.

One of my kids had a habit of going into the shower and coming back and coming out and with a totally dry face. And I'd be like, who are you kidding? I was like, how is this possible? He said, no, mommy, I did. I said, you did not. You did. Come on, dude.

Come on. And then by the time it was like, really the only time your kids know is when they're friends or you're on YouTube or TV. I mean, otherwise, how do they know? They don't. And I think for me, that was probably, I think it was maybe. I mean, otherwise, how do they know? They don't. And I think for me, that was probably, I think it was maybe when I did, have I got news for you, which I did very early,

maybe I don't know, you know, very early and it just happened. And I think my son was, he said, he asked me, would you want to have I got news for you? And I said, yes. He said his science teacher had asked him. And he said, I said no to him. And I said, why? And he's like, why would you be on TV? That is a real confidence booster. Yeah, but I think the other thing is I didn't choose to talk about it at home, really, because I just, it's just something I did that was not, you know, like for the kids, because I was still always a full-on mom.

I was still taking them to school, waking them up, going to see their football, packing their lunch. Who has the time in between telling them to stop beating each other up and get their shit together and get in the car to be like, oh, by the way, I'm doing stand-up. Like who? Nobody. You know, and I'm very,

I've always been quite demanding academically of the children. So by and large, they don't like to talk to me. Are you quite stern, mother? Like quite strict? I mean, I'm told I'm strict. Who by? Everybody in the house. What about other kids of friends and family?

Have there been things you don't like going on in your house and you've had to impose your stricter rules on other kids? I wouldn't do that to other people's kids in our home. If they come, they behave badly, they're my guests, they can. You will see my kids looking at me in utter panic. Oh, my God. And they look at me in like, they're like terrorized because they know what it means to me, but they've also understood.

We have a phrase in Sanskrit, which is, which is the guest comes as God. So you do never criticize your guests. You know what I mean? No matter what. But when they leave, I look at the kids and they're like,

we know, we got it. We saw it. But I think there's a very strong code with the children, you you know about what's done and what's not done so when you say because you obviously you you didn't do the bed you don't do the bedtime stories what are the other british not parenting traditions but kind of parenting norms that you find kind of baffling like that or just like well i mean baffling you know i do know i can see why you guys tell stories and it's nice i just i'm like i'm not fucking doing it i just it's not

even like that baffling all right i'll rephrase the question what other things are you not fucking doing um i don't what else do i not? I don't really play with them. Okay. Like I play, they're around me playing. Yeah. Like now I play with them because I've taught all of them how to play Rummy and three card poker. That's fine. But I won't play like fucking, you know, Lego, Shmana. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been a kid. I did all this. But don't you find that nostalgia going back to those games and doing something together? Don't you like get a buzz from that? No, but I do other kid things with them. Like, for example, you know, I've always had, I've always been a little, I've always been a little bit cavalier with this bedtime business, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

When they were very little, then you have to because you need a routine. But like, say when they're four, five, six, seven, like when they've started school. I mean, before they go to nursery, I don't care when you sleep. When you fall asleep, I'll pick you up where you are and then that's it enough, thank you. But if we're going out and you're gonna be sleepy and then misbehave, then we have like,

don't do that either. So my husband is like, you have no rules. These kids just have to adapt. I'm like, yeah, that's pretty much right. But every once in a while, there'll be something we wanna do. Like there'll be a TV, that's pretty much right. But every once in a while, you know, there'll be something we want to do. Like there'll be a TV show that we all want to watch and it's like past our bedtime. I'm like, screw the bedtime. Let's watch. Or like, you know, if there's a movie

that we really want to watch and somehow we can't watch on the weekend, I'm like, let's watch it now. The one thing that I, and I don't have many rules around like dessert and ice cream and whatever, like this fine, it's in the fridge or we have this, eat it, you know, like just use some And I don't have many rules around like dessert and ice cream and whatever. Like that's fine. It's in the fridge or we have this, eat it, you know, like just use some sense. So would you say you let the small things go, but big things, you come down on them quite hard? I think so. I mean, you see kids, the things that kids do, which are interesting to both kids and me, I'm there. I'm there.

Like I took my children alone when they were four and two to Disneyland by myself. Oh my God. All the way to Los Angeles. From London? Well, I went from London to Atlanta to attend my cousin's wedding, which was a great wedding, by the way. And then from there, I was like, well, I'm not going back to London. We're already here. So I was like, let's go to LA. And my husband was like, I can't do it. I'm like, that's fine. I got this. So there's those kinds of things, which I think a lot of adults are like, are you crazy? I'm like, no, it'll be fine. It'll be fine.

I'll be fine. And we had a great time. The other thing I used to do, which the kids later told me they had never heard of anyone doing was I really like Pixar. Okay. Like really. So when the first few Pixar movies came out, they used to be one every 18 months. Like when my teens were young, I used to not want to go on the weekend

because everyone brought their kids and kids would talk and it would be like a kiddie movie event. And I'm like, I don't have fucking time for this. So I used to go on the first day that the movie came out, which is usually a Thursday or Friday. And I would go to the school. I did this with both of them. Go to the school, tell the school there was a dental appointment or something. Get I would go to the school. I did this with both of them. Go to the school,

tell the school there was a dental appointment or something, get the kid out of class. And the middle of the day, we would go to the movies. I bet your kids loved it. Oh my God. Well, and I didn't tell them because you see kids will tell their friends. And so I would just do it. And I had to, because both my kids have my husband's gene of being very honest they would look at me with their eyes like saucepans I'm like remember the dentist and we would leave and I'd be like dude we're going to movies and their heads would explode and I'd be like but here's the thing if you go and tell your friend tomorrow I'm gonna go to jail so they never told they were like oh shit And now they tell me that was so bad. Like, we were so scared.

But you're generally hard on them academically. Does that not go against that? One day of missing school, you're not going to get 10 on 10? What's the matter with you? One day? He loves being negative. And that's what happens to teenage boys. They just want to shit on your dreams. he loves being negative and that's what happens to teenage boys they just wanna

shit on your dreams take a bit right so for example his uh school about a year and a half ago had a trip to auschwitz they had a trip to auschwitz uh the whole year we're gonna go and i thought obviously with our heritage that'd be a good thing for him to do and you know bleak and awful but also very important or whatever so i say to him one breakfast you know ezra i think you should go on this trip that'd be good and he's like nah i'm like no really look at me take it seriously i really think a lot of our relatives died there might be a good thing for you to do and he goes none of my friends are going. I go, okay, I really think it's important for you to go. And he says, no, I really can't be bothered. And I found myself saying the actual word Ezra.

I don't have to force you to go to Auschwitz. But, you know, he lives for memes. Irony, an incredibly high level of irony irony being like scornful about me uh and that video games and fifa and stuff like that does he respect your career no i mean secretly but i i think no uh i would certainly he loves saying today i know a lot of people are working from home but if you've got a family it's often a good idea thinking oh i'm going to go and write somewhere else yeah so i'm thinking about doing that so i went and saw a flat today and i'm afraid to have to tell you my friends that i'm i mean i

had a mask on but nonetheless i'm there with the very young estate agent and he says oh so you're going to come and live here i said no i'm going to use it just for writing he went oh what are you a writer and i went well, I'm a writer and comedian. He went, oh, right, right. And I told this to Ezra, and he just said, yeah, what you wanted was a 50-year-old bloke who likes football. And I thought, right, yeah. I know.

He could have been nicer, right? He could have said that's his fault for being ignorant or whatever, not, yeah, young people don't know who you are, Dad. But young people do know who you are because you've sold 1.5 million children's books. Yeah, here's one. Oh, actually, we're not on the telly, on the internet. So your new children's book, Future Friend. Yes.

So how many have you written? Is that five? He's written 1.5 million. He's sold one each. It's a good way to get into the million books sold. That's not very well. I've written seven children's books and one, actually, one in a novella, so seven and a half children's books.

And why did you go? Was it partly to impress your children or entertain your children? Well, it came from Ezra the idea for the first one I mean actually I was having a row, not a row but a thing today, I think the Guardian are about to do a... You talk about Ezra like Tyler Durden in Fight Club

It's like it's just your split personality living with you I don't know if he really exists Yeah no, I was having a It's like it's just your split personality living with you. I don't know if he really exists. Yeah, no, I was having a constant row on Twitter and sometimes elsewhere. I think the Guardian are doing a piece about how comedians and celebrities should not write children's books, right? Because it means that, you know, it's probably true at some level, not that they shouldn't, but that it does create problems

for those people who want to write children's books who haven't got like a pre-established name or brand or whatever. Anyway, my point being that I didn't particularly think, oh, I want a bit of that David Walliams action. My son gave me an idea is what happened. When he was eight, he said to me, Dad, why doesn't Harry Potter run away from the dursleys uh obviously the horrible muggle family that he has to live with when he's not at

hogwarts why doesn't he run away from them and try and find some better parents and i could have said to him the literary answer to that which is well i think it's because jk rowling wants to suggest that hogwarts is very magical and so he she creates a very negative humdrum life for him when he's not at Hogwarts. Well, I didn't say that. I said, because it's too long. I said, that's giving me an idea. And the idea was a world in which children

can choose their own parents. And that led to my first children's book, which is called The Parent Agency, about a kid called Barry who is annoyed with his parents all the time, wishes for better parents, goes through his bedroom wall into a world run by kids in which parents basically have to audition to get children.

That's a great idea. And he tries out five different types of parents. And, yeah, so I wrote that. And what you just said, Josh, about it being a good idea, the reason I said that was not just being self-aggrandizing. The reason that I wrote it is that when I had the idea, because of what Ezra said, Josh, about it being a good idea. The reason I said that was not just being self aggrandizing with the reason that I wrote it is that when I had the idea, because of what Ezra said, I thought that sounds like a really good idea for a children's book.

So much. So I thought someone else must've done it, but they haven't. And you know, when you have a good idea, that's often how it feels. Like it feels so classic. Someone else must've done it.

Um, and it did do really well. And at that point I thought, now I do want to bit of that Wallooms action. I remember when they were small and that bit where they possibly nap in the afternoon. And then if that doesn't happen, you more or less want to kill yourself.

That period is behind me now. The flip side is the evenings are off limits because their idea of when they should be going to sleep of course it's like i mean a 10 year old is basically a teenager in terms of how much he demands to stay up so yeah again the routines of the day just get shifted um i think i'd take my evenings over. If you offered me to lose two hours of the evening to my daughter staying up, but I gained two hours in the morning, I think I'd prefer to lose the time in the morning still. The evenings are... I can't offer you that anyway.

I don't control it, obviously. Also, obviously the kids split in times between the two houses and stuff do you ever sort of clash slightly on the parenting and is it harder to sort of like you know agree on how how it should be done when you're not you know there together the whole time it's certainly not smooth yeah of course kids are quite good at exploiting again in football terms they will they will slip between the two central defenders. They'll tell my ex that, oh yeah, we did that at dad's house and vice versa.

We have to cooperate to sort of put the pieces together because the 10-year-old in particular is a sophisticated sort of cheat now. He'll always claim that he gets certain privileges at the other place or that he's already done his homework there or you have to both have your mind switched on to stay ahead of it. There has to be a lot of cooperation. I've got better at just accepting that it's not going to always go well as well.

Because we have a lot of people emailing and solicitors and stuff that are sort of separated and after the kids split time between two parents and it always strikes me it must be so difficult even if you do have a good relationship after you've separated um it's difficult to make you know make sure they're all telling the truth and stuff but if you didn't get on that well with your ex it must be impossible if there's not that you know because some yeah some you know some friends of mine growing up and you see that they'd like have to be dropped off at the end of the road type thing and then they don't actually see each other because you said to me Rob didn't you that the

only reason you're staying with Lou is because it would be such a nightmare to be divorced that was the words you used yeah absolutely absolutely right I don't money wise especially yeah oh I tell you what that is fiddly yeah I don't 100 recommend the process uh if you can avoid it um and we were kind of it was a little bit acrimonious for a while we were never quite about leaving them at the end of the road stage but um things are sort of reasonably equitable now and even if they weren't you yeah you'd have to make them because your mental energy for like fighting people is almost zero when you're also fighting with uh the world the way it is at the moment yeah i think so in some ways all of us have learned to get better at

like all of the interpersonal relationships have had to get better because otherwise you just can't you can't manage but that takes mental energy as well. And there are days when you sit there and think, well, I just, I think it's a case of have a glass of wine and forget about everything here. Yeah.

By a glass, I'd mean quite a large glass. And do you like, what's it like, like when they're not there and then they turn up, like, so you're, cause you're getting half half you're seeing them for half the week yeah does it feel like you're living kind of two different lives in a way it really does sometimes uh when especially because uh the like my uh partner and i run sort of a production company as well from from this house uh so a lot of the time there's there

is kind of there's a lot of work going on things feel orderly here everything feels you know it feels more or less like being a proper human being um and then you're aware that within 15 minutes of the kids being the house uh it will be it will resemble a circus more than a workplace yeah and um you know what i've tried to get better at is not bracing myself too much for that if you if you if even as you're picking up the kids you feel tense thinking oh christ here we go uh that is not a good thing to project to them probably so these days i try to um kind of accept like mentally accept the chaos it's like tell you what is a bit easier is being

able to take them to you know cafes or to the cinema and the worst bit for me was when there was literally no building outside your house that it was legal to set foot in at least now i feel like not everything has to be in the house but you're right josh it is basically like for the last few months i felt like felt like the halves of me that are and aren't looking after the kids are almost two separate people. There's a person that can get quite a number of tasks done in a day, and then there's a person that has to cower in a toilet to get a single email away.

If you're parenting these past six months and you don't regard your bathroom as the office, then you're doing better than me. What a place. A door with a lock on it has become so, so valuable in this period. Mine's worked out the old 10p trick, though, where you can just undo it for the other side. Is that a thing?

Yeah. You know, like, if it's one of those locks where it's not a key, it's a little, like... Oh, it's a turning thing. Yeah, like a little turning knob. On the other side, there's a little slit for a screwdriver. You can get a 10P in there and turn it. Wait a minute. I don't think I'll allow them to listen to this in that case.

I mean, they probably shouldn't be for all sorts of reasons, to be fair. I don't know if you should be publicizing knowledge like this uh rob this sounds borderline criminal well yeah i mean yes i mean i wouldn't endorse it but it can be done you haven't exactly distanced yourself from it either though how do you sort of do christmases and stuff like that then do you sort of a year with the kids or a year not with the kids or is it it took a little bit of time to work it out and uh the past two years we've done uh Christmas day itself with our respective new setups and then we've done things all together on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day um for the past two or might be three years it's been

Winter Wonderland on uh Christmas Eve and then Pantomime on Boxing Day. But of course... Who were you playing in the Pantomime? Oh, just a set of bit parts for me. Chris Whitty was the lead, obviously. And it is nice. And that kind of Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, I then tend to take them to my parents later in that bit

between Christmas and New Year where it's a case of, right, what do we do now? But all of this is sort of hanging in the balance, isn't it? I shouldn't think there'll be pantomimes, and I'd be very, very surprised if Winter Wonderland is allowed to happen. No, it's not happening. There you go.

I mean, I think that's probably sensible because that is essentially 40,000 people in quite a small field, and a lot of them are pissed on mulled wine and german sausages i mean the more i talk about it the more disappointing it is it's not happening actually because winter wonderland does sort of look like a hellscape but it's a great place to entertain kids for four what happens at a winter wonderland i've never been to winter wonderland well if you haven't got kids there's it would be a weird decision to go, I think. Yeah. But basically, it's a big old, like a theme park. So you've got your helter-skelters and those rides

that someone like me looks at them and immediately throws up, like awful-looking rides. But then there's also this either German or fake German market with booze and sausages and stuff like that um so it is quite a good place isn't it it's all in high park and uh traditionally it gets so muddy that it's more like being at glastonbury it's um in a lot of ways it's quite an unpleasant experience but it is a place where the kids can have quite a nice night and you can get quite drunk in all fairness um guilt free and those are the as close to guilt free as you can be quite drunk, in all fairness. Guilt-free. And those are the – as close to guilt-free as you can be,

getting pissed with kids, yeah. And also, if you go in the afternoon, evening, it obviously gets dark, it's Christmassy, it has that sort of – it's the sort of thing that you are aware that the kids are – they're forming nice memories, even though you're looking around thinking, well, there's too many idiots here and that was just 14 pounds for a mulled cider there yeah it's expensive isn't it it really is the actual i don't know how much the actual tickets to it cost but as soon as you get through they've

absolutely got you um you come away having had quite a nice christmas experience but you're about a grand down um when romesh went to see mr. Tumble at Wembley Arena with his kids, obviously. And it was like at 10 quid for a 12 inch hot dog. And he's like, do you do a smaller one? And I was like, no,

is that three year old? It's absolute 12 inch hot dog that you weren't eating any of. Those kids arena shows are unbelievable. I took my kids to Paw Patrol live at the O2. I know, which is the bleakest sentence i've ever said uh well have you seen paw patrol yes they're big fans in my ass right well imagine that but shit um imagine that but instead of sort of a lovable animation it's just people you know pretending to be dogs that the main thing with it was is i was fair it wasn't the o2 it was when it was again wembley arena um it was a sort

of place that you know 10 years ago you might have seen arcade fire now you're watching a bunch of blokes pretending to be dogs and um being it going to stuff on that scale like going to music venues but to see kids stuff really reminds you of how your life has changed i think um like you're thinking last time patrol live sorry what happens in poor patrol live it's just like how long oh i can i can summarize it for you very easily rob hard anything happens in it um you basically what happens in poor patrol live is everyone responsible for putting on the show makes an enormous amount of money uh because as with romex's hot dog story there's like there's any amount of dog merch that the kids all yeah and i can't believe the actors

are getting paid well they're not on a door split i don't think no it's not there's not a bucket collection at the end the um the actors are, it should be like that, actually. It should be like a free fringe show in Edinburgh. And at the end, they should come and say, well, I think if you'd seen that on the West End, that would have been 45 quid. So if you wouldn't mind putting that in my bucket. But someone's making a lot of money because not only,

so basically they come out, they do like a, you know, what would pass as an average episode of Paw Patrol, but all of it is they're in costumes and it's done partly by talking, partly by, you know, like voiceover tracks and stuff. There's a few songs and then pretty quickly it's over and the lights come up. And if you banked on passing the, you know, killing the afternoon with your kids,

there's this horrible feeling of like, is that it? So it works out about 17 pounds a minute and um you often get this with shows for the very young kids it's you pay what you pay for a theater show and it's billed like a theater show but after 45 minutes it's a case of there's a particular feeling you get when they begin a song which has the look of an end song about it and you're filled with this cold fear of like hang on a minute let's not start singing a song that goes we've all had a lovely time it's time to leave the theater i don't think it is quite so what kind of parenting were you did you grow up with carl well they were just um quite you know it's not their own fault my dad i don't think was a particularly uh what's the word natural dad you know he was oh he was 43

when i was born so there was no there was no and he was he's uncomfortable around kids so like which is awkward when you've got two of them so like we never played with i never i don't remember once ever playing with my dad you know i mean he was just i think he waited until I was in my teens and we could hold a conversation before he actually learned to communicate. And there was never like, he's never, he's never been very loving or, you know,

he's just naturally an old fashioned bloke. Do you know what I mean? He just fits in the corner and sort of grunts now and again and watch, just constantly watch his telly. And my mom is quite a neurotic Irish woman. Who's very, you know, when I say say neurotic i mean to a pathological level so she was always so stressed and anxious about everything that that sort of you had to i don't mean my brothers i definitely just sort of went our own way quite we were quite independent from a young age because we were like i don't think i think we've outgrown these people

like by our early teens. So we just went off and, you know, did our own thing. Because you've always been quite grown up, haven't you, I'd say. I mean, I never knew you as a teenager, but I've known you for the last 10, 12 years. Yeah. But I think you've always been sort of, even when you were young on the comedy circuit, you was almost like an elder statesman,

the grown up, like the older brother of everyone. And you've always sort of been older than your years, I think. I've always felt older. Like, I remember I started cooking my own dinners when i was at home when i was about 12 because i didn't like my mum's cooking which is i think looking back that is rude isn't it like at the time i think i thought it's just it'll take the load off her you know she's so she doesn't have to stress and you know and i can cook myself what i want to cook and i learned to cook from doing that but looking back i do think that is I'd take that personally if my daughter when she's 12 go look you take a night off mate I'll cook yeah yeah that shit again so do you think

though there's because this is something I've sort of read up upon where if you were parented in a certain way you'll sort of almost try and counteract that with your own child and whereas you were maybe left your own devices and to be a grown-up quite early on do you think there might be a danger that you may not um like overcompensate not smother your daughter but like are you aware that you maybe do too much for her and then that way she gets a bit mollycoddled definitely i mean there is yeah i'm pretty certain i'm gonna probably veer too far that way because i'm i did and it's mainly because i want i want her to grow up and like me and trust me and actually be able to go to me get me the guitar and the cowboy hat let's go love me love me love me

no i think it's it's quite as almost a sad point to it but i want her to i want to i want her to like me when she's older and go to me if okay i'll feel like she can come to me if she's got problems or you know i've never i would never go to my parents if i had a problem i'd go to my mates i've got mates who i'd go to way before my parents but i've never asked them for anything and it's that's not it's not just because of their financial situation and the fact they haven't got any money and things like that. It's more just I wouldn't go to them for emotional advice or anything really, just because I think I was always like, ah, that's not really their forte.

So I want to be able to at least offer that to my child. So if she's ever in dire straits or whatever she can actually come to me not just think well i need to go through my whatsapp list to see who else i can ask would you find that you parent in a different way to your parents rob um not many people know that uh russell kane was brought up on a hippie commune i don't know really i'm not yet really i think it's more when we we were treated like you go out and you get a job type thing at like six I always work from like 14 and stuff and not that I want my kids not to have sort of that same work ethic but I think the proof will be more with the

teenagers so it's just trying to find that balance of I don't want to go too far one way or one too far the other but it's just trying to get that the right balance of yeah go out and work because you need to work to get money but also i think that instilled a fear in me about oh my god we need money we need money type of thing rather than it sort of being a bit more relaxed about yeah you go to it and get some money that's not the be all and end all and i think yeah that's why some people from working class backgrounds can get consumed by the earning of money and and getting the rolex or the flash card all that to prove that you've got the money so i've got the money it's all going to be okay but actually you're sort of running on a subconscious level of fear that it's all going to go away the whole time so it's and that work ethic they instilled in me was

brilliant and really helped me in my career however you want to try and make sure it's not too ingrained that it defines you and then you never stop to relax and go it'll be okay we'll get on whatever happens do you know what i mean so i think that's why it's interesting with carl and carl's gone you know i'm a bit sort of hip like hippie-ish and arty farty to my family but carl has gone even beyond i love that i love that i love that you are hippie-ish and arty farty to your family that is absolutely amazing paints a picture of your family in our mind it's meant on it but they're like but they're like you you bloody is old jim morrison walking in my dad um i drove my right my parents up to see my brother this was just before lockdown

and my brother lives in nottingham and i took my parents and my aunt Ginny and like my mum and her sat in the back just talking incessantly like as old women do where they just commentate on everything that happens and they're all in their baby carrier yeah at one point I overheard them that we went past one of them big wind turbines and I just heard my mum go Jesus Ginny look at the size of that like that right and then we went past another one about three minutes later and she went i know i said it before but jesus would you look at the size of it she just kept commentating on every wind turbine we went by i know my dad this is this is what my dad's like my dad got in the car when i picked them up and i was listening to meditation music it was just like whoa and uh my dad sat down and

just asked you guys are you listening to hoovering that's what i've got to deal with my whole life do you because you're very kind of relaxed as a person yes and parenting is arguably the least relaxing pursuit you know at times do you find when you're woken up at 2am or when you're struggling to do something is it difficult to remain zen for want of a better word uh not so far i've been pretty good i genuinely would say yesterday when she was having she had probably the most neurotic day she's had since she was born you know when i mean and what i mean by that is when their first few weeks they literally don't know what they're doing do they they're just a ball of noise and they're so new to the world. So I think then it doesn't really matter if they're crying

because you totally understand that to them it must be terrifying to come out into the world. But since she's become much more aware and fun and laughy and giggly, she's actually been really chilled out baby. And then yesterday was the first time she was pretty much non-stop quite difficult all day and that's the closest i've got to like to not being able to just sort of contextualize it and go it's fine she's a baby you know i mean that's what i'm yeah i read i don't know if you did it but i read a lot of books while my wife was pregnant i thought I just you know I've got

enough time I'll just do the reading during lockdown and you know just at the start of the year we were traveling we went over to Australia and stuff so I had a lot of time to read and I read a lot of parenting books and child psychology books and I think I just got I really tried to drill into myself to never ever think that the baby is doing it to annoy you that's what i think a lot of parents get into that mind frame when a baby especially once they get to about four or five months when they become a bit more conscious people think they're trying to manipulate you or they're trying to do they know what they're doing they're really needling you and it's not true they're not they're not developed enough to understand that but at this point five months in i'm still whenever she's

crying or in you know i always think of it i put myself in her position and go look she's just of course she's upset she's five four and a half months old and there's just been a loud noise or whatever something obviously is causing me yeah so i'm at the minute i'm being chilled about it there's a still inside you the little oik from tooting, Carl, that surely at some point goes, oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, a little bit. It never erupts. Well, do you know what?

The thing that keeps annoying me is because I've coped with the tiredness really well, so has my wife. And considering she's breastfeeding still through the night, it's unbelievable how well she's dealt with it. But I've realised I'm mentally relatively normal. I don't feel exhausted. But I think that's because I'm diverting all my energy to my brain, my body. I'm the clumsiest I've ever been.

I knock everything over. My wife just hears me throughout the day. Every half an hour, knock something over and go, oh, shit, like in the other room. That's all you can hear just around the house throughout the day so yeah definitely i think i still get annoyed about that level of clumsiness but in terms of the emotional side as yeah i've somehow managed to maintain this sort of zen yeah and when are you planning on moving uh the baby out of the bedroom like into their own room have you got a plan for that or you're just going to see how it goes yeah we're just going to see how it goes

i think yeah we haven't actually bought a cot yet uh so which is quite five months in we've not bought a car uh but we um we are looking at one so we're going to get one of them probably when she's about six months and start seeing if she wants to maybe have her own space and that's very much baby led yeah just have a quick discussion with her. If her first words are, seriously, can I not sleep somewhere else? It's bloody annoying. Let me have my own bed. Get off me. Stop breathing on me, Dad.

And why do you wear the cowboy hat to bed? It's weird. Oh, do you know what? This is gross. But I think I've, in the last couple of weeks, I think I've developed sympathy nappy rash with my daughter. This is where the hippie stats come in now for this. Well,

because I've, I'm an, I'm a naked, I've always been a naked sleeper, right? For like, well, not always for the last decade,

I've never slept in any layers whatsoever. I hate it. What was the turning point really? Cause I've always been a naked sleeper, but it's only in the last 10 years. Was there a turning point? Just Dick was too hot? Well, when she came along and she was in the bed,

I felt a bit, I don't know, I felt a little bit grotty with just having my willy flapping around next to her. So I thought I've got to put a layer on. How far down is she sleeping? That's why they call him the wind turbine. Look at the size of that. As she grows, i don't want

i don't want that to be like the barometer the day she sort of her foot just touches my knob so i just i thought do you know what out of you know just out of some level of and also because you're up and about a lot in the night yeah i thought it's good to at least have a layer on in the night time if you you know go into your walking around the house and stuff so i i started wearing a layer basically a box of shorts in bed and because i haven't worn it for so many years i've basically got nappy rash because it's too warm and my bits and pieces are used to having air oh wow so you're having to put on the same stuff as her are you both lying there and putting on your i do what i do i've got legs up let's go both of you

so obviously you have kids and your focus changes right you know when you used to look at google images of of like fit actresses or like an actor that you rated or a comedian or whatever and you'd always see that google image result of of them at the premiere of some kids movie with their kids and you think well actually that's pretty cool isn't it like one day like but you can't imagine you doing it and then when you have kids you start thinking about you stop thinking about adult content all the time you realize everything you do is has an adult content and you think it would be quite cool to have something that my kids could enjoy so yeah um you know that obviously they were little they'd watch the cbb's bedtime stories and i thought i know people at cbbc i don't know anyone at cbb's but it can't be that much of a leap i must be able to stick my nose in there i started making calls and I got in touch with the commissioner at CBeebies.

And she was like, join the fucking queue, mate. Judi Dench is waiting to do this. I thought they'd just snap my hand off. I thought they'd just be like, oh, my God. Yeah, brilliant. Get in there. Do something for the kids. So I actually waited years to get on the CBeebies.

And by the time I got on it my kids too old to care they didn't watch cbb's anymore it was kind of it was kind of fruitless but the the other story to it was that i thought they shot it in london but they shot it in manchester i think see children's tv had moved up there and yeah you know manchester for me was always like if i'm going manchester because i've got two of my best friends live up there, it's always a reunion, you get on it. You know those guys that you know where it's like, if you meet them, you're getting on it. So I meet up with my friends, Si and Matt, and obviously we get on it.

But I ended up having an all-nighter, and I hadn't looked at the call sheet. So I was just thinking, oh, it'll be afternoon or whatever. You know when your phone rings in the hotel, not your mobile, the hotel room phone. You know there's a rings in the hotel? Not your mobile. The hotel room phone. You know there's a problem if your hotel phone rings. And it was like the third time. And the reception was like, there's a driver waiting here for you downstairs. You've got to come down.

It was like frantic. I was like, oh, my God. I was fully clothed. Just passed out on my bed. And I just got up fully clothed and just went downstairs got in the car and within like because it was the holiday in media city so it's like two minutes away so within within five minutes i was sat in a room with um kerry and this other dude alex who were like the people that babysat my kids while I was doing comedy in those early years. So I was just tripping out.

I hadn't slept. I'm with the CBeebies guys. And they're just caking makeup on my face. I like smelling salts, trying to make my eyes look less hard shot. You must have stank as well, mate. Oh, mate. I was just so not how I planned to prepare.

My voice was going. Did they know you'd been out? I think I probably told someone, probably told the makeup assistant or something. Oh, mate, I was a mess. And I was just really annoyed. But then, you know, people would hit me up online and say, oh, my kids love this telling or they love that telling of the book.

So I think I got away with it. The most emotional they've ever seen because you were crying throughout, weren't you? No one's ever seen someone deliver it looking so despairing. I felt awful. Eating the kebab was a bit much. Oh, I can't wait to watch that now, knowing. Yeah, knowing behind the curtain.

That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be back next week. If you're not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side. He got in touch. He said, yeah, sorry, mate. You didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times.

The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. But do you know what a snake's penis looks like? £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? People who do their shoes are 2.

I don't care if you're watching. Boots, cut, jeans. What's upset you now? Hello, I'm Paul McCaffrey. And I'm Sean Wolfe. And we are the hosts of the hit podcast, What's Upset You Now? Each episode is only 15 minutes long. That is perfect for your commute.

Absolutely perfect. What, a little 15-minute bus drive to work? Stick an episode of What's Up set you now on? What's it all about, Sean? Well, me and Paul and a big-name comedy guest such as Tom Allen or Rob Beckett or Josh Whittakin will rant about what has got our goat that week for only 15 minutes.

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