Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 5

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

While we're on a very short record break so here's a hand crafted selection of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger... TRACK LISTING:1. Kerry Godliman (Series 1 Episode 5)2. Jason Manford (Series 1 Episode 6)3. Alison Hammond (Series 1 Episode 12)4. Lorraine Kelly (Series 1 Episode 17)5. Judi Love (Series 1 Episode 25)6. Robbie + Ayda Williams (S1 EP 66)7. Michael Sheen (Series 2 EP5) If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell, Volume 5. So have you had any big bust-ups then with your teenager? Yeah, we've had loads of rows, yeah. And anything in particular that's a bit of a sticking point that's not getting resolved, that keeps cropping up? Me breathing, me waking her up in the morning. So what's your schedule? I get her up now we're back at school in the easter holidays she was sleeping until gone 11 12 most days i've been getting her up now by nine like with some attempt

to have some structure yeah and she'll get up and sort of get on with it but yeah she'll do the morning both of them do the morning they do their work in the morning and then to be honest it's pretty much done by lunchtime whether they're doing it or not i don't really know this is the thing we're finding is a lot of parents who are homeschooling are saying they're just knocking it out in the morning yeah do you think schools are a bit long uh a lot of what goes on in school isn't the academic learning anyway it's all the other stuff around it and that's what i'm feeling sad that they're missing out on really the academics i just think that's just data isn't it i mean they'll retain that often otherwise if teaching was just about like learning information there wouldn't be schools they'd all be doing open university wouldn't they from age

four yeah but like they need to go to school they need to see their mates they need to sort of have their little feuds even it It's all part of their development. But she said to me the other day, Mum, why are you so aggressive? I'm like, that's my brand. That's my brand. That's who I am. That's my USB.

Yeah, Elsie couldn't be less interested in, you know, my comedy and stuff like that. We got asked to do these little clips, like, for your lockdown. We made a little clip. So we sort of did some comedy sketches and stuff. And she wasn't involved. She was a bit more interested in that. But when I was, like, trying to sort of explain how to do it,

she was like, well, what do you know? I'm like, well, I do know. I work in comedy. I do know. I've got quite a funny story about that, about parenting. It's a bit name-droppy if you suffer that. Yeah, that's all right. Basically, when me and Romesh was doing the Shania Twain episode

for our series about country music, we went about Shania Twain, and after her show, we were sitting in the dressing room, like drinks there, with her and all her family and friends, and her son was there. He was like 17, and they live in Switzerland, and he wants to go to LA to be a music producer right and Shania Twain we're in this weird conversation with Shania Twain one of the you know the greatest selling female artists of all time and the greatest selling artists of all time he's saying to him look go to London move to London and learn your trade there and then when you get a bit older

then go to LA you don't want to go to la before you've become like formed as a person right and uh he went oh shut up mom what do you know about the music industry you don't know anything about production and i've just stood there and they're almost cracked up and like we're in the o2 arena that she's just sold out after moving from a small town to Nashville to become this big star. It doesn't matter who you are. Kids will never, never listen to their parents. Carrie, do you think your children are, like, proud of what you do? I don't think they like me much.

No, I don't know. Yeah, I think so. I don't know about my daughter. I don't think – it's so hard to sort of navigate her 13-year-old personality and hormones. It's so complex in there, to be honest. I don't know, really. I think my son is.

I think my son's proud. But as I say, he's still little and sweet and sort of malleable. Yeah. The teen thing has been massive and really sudden. Like, she was still... Before she got a phone and started at secondary school and stuff like that, I still felt relatively in control of her life. But as soon as that began, I felt like there was this huge shift

and it's normal and natural. And I talked about it with parents that have got kids older and they all say it's all not like even, you know, Shania Twain. that have got kids older and they all say it's all not like even that, you know, Shania Twain, it's like, but it's really hard as a parent to let them go and let them move on. There's all these milestones. Like when they start school, you have to let go.

I'd love to let go at this moment, Carrie. Absolutely love to let go. I think it must be a really tough age to be in the lockdown with your little girl. She's two and a half. Josh, I found out today your daughter goes down for a 90-minute nap and I think you're moaning too much about this lockdown. No. I'm throwing it out there. Yeah, but I use that 90-minute nap to do this.

Why? I like to work around the diaries of our guests and let them choose the time. Oh, shut up. If my kid was on a 90 minute nap i would be starting this as soon as they woke up that's how i'd roll it and that is why i am a good husband um obviously you've uh you've got like a house full jason but if for like in a bit of magic that

like your wife and all your children just got disappeared for 24 hours and it was still locked down you had the entire house to yourself and the day to yourself what would you do what would that day look like i think it would half the day would be i'd try and sort out my um ultimate team on fifa you know i've still got a right back at 76. So I'd probably sort that out. I'd definitely do that. But, I mean, trying to sort this house out. We've done nothing but clean.

Spring clean the house. But it's like shoveling snow while it's snowing when you've got kids around. It's just relentless. And so I think what would be nice would be just to get to a point where everywhere was lovely and tidy and done and then i could bring them all back and go right we at least i know now that the the basics are done yeah so i could just keep on top of it just that's been a fresh start with the house oh what a tree that

situation in but we will hoover and there'll be just crumbs. To the point now where the local birds are flying into the back door because they know there's going to be food on the floor. We've become like Trafalgar Square mid-90s. It's feeding ground. Yeah, so I'd do a bit of FIFA, sort the house out. And I started one of those, the career mode the other day, and my wife was asleep next to us and I thought, I'll just get a start on this. And she woke up at one point

and obviously you start with like a youth player. My wife woke up, she said, what are you doing? And I said, I'm just playing FIFA. She said, why aren't you playing? I said, I'm waiting to get on. She said, you what? I said, I'm just waiting to get on. I'm new, I'm new to the team, so I don't get that last 10 minutes for a few weeks.

You know, I make a name for myself. She said, you've got half an hour to play football and you're spending most of it sat on the bench watching the computer playing football. It's a tough game, isn't it? Tough game, aren't they? Let me ask you guys a question. In your house, is there like a chores league table with your wives?

No, well, on a Sunday, or I'm trying to get it moved to Saturday, is cleaning day. So we do all the cleaning in one day. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it's like one of us will take my daughter and then the other one will clean. And to be honest, week i was i was just

desperate to do the cleaning because you're just in your own world yeah you put the radio on yeah that's great i know well i i discovered ironing the other week do you remember i and i and i got a flashback to my dad doing it so my so my my wife does it she's in we've got a little utility room out the back and she does that. She does what she needs to do. I got this pile of ironing. Lads, let me tell you, it is,

it's the secret. It is the, this is the dream. Ironing board in the living room, telly on. Oh, oh yeah. Nobody,

nobody bothers you because nobody wants to do the job. Yeah. Nobody checks on you. Yeah. Nobody comes in to check. And also, what's a seven-year-old going to moan about

a crease in his pants? There's no comeback. There's no comeback. And also, if you're holding a red iron and something's happening, you go, oh, can you grab the kids?

I've got this. Yeah. It's like having a hot cup of tea with a baby in it. Oh, do you mind? I've just got this. One second. I got a flashback of my dad.

My dad used to do the ironing on a Saturday afternoon in front of Grandstand. And I now, and I suddenly went, oh my God, he was ahead of the curve, that man,

watching final score doing the ironing. Nobody bothered him. Well, it's that thing, isn't it? What used to be a job when you've got kids suddenly becomes your escape. Oh.

Oh my God. Recycling with a podcast in. Oh my God. It's that pornographic. I put the bins out yesterday. It was like two weeks in Iron Apple. Have you got any, like, if you had one tip that you've kind of learned that's actually helped you parenting in lockdown,

is there anything that you've kind of gone, oh, that would really help other people parent in lockdown? It's hard, isn't it? I think because, you know, again, of thing that you've kind of gone oh that would really help other people parent in lockdown it's hard isn't it i think because you know when again when you when when we talk about pre-lockdown or early lockdown jason you know i was thinking about learning portuguese and sign language and maybe the ukulele and now i'm just trying to get through it roughly within the same boxing weight category as I started. Yeah. No. God, I would hate to patronise anybody by giving them tips on how to parent, crikey.

What you end up doing is playing this weird, like, game of, I call it top-tired or not tired with your wife, which is essentially unless you are the most tired, you're not tired at all. That's how it works like in relationships and so you're constantly on this like you're just dropping things into conversation you know i did i did the washing the other day and you know my wife said oh nice are you doing that i said yeah i thought i'd get it done and she she meant to say it as a compliment what she said was um oh

that's really good that you're doing that because it's not going in i've done it for the last five weeks and then she left and so what she left me with was i've not been doing even though i am doing the washing right now in the present i've not been doing it yeah for the last five weeks you know so there's those little those little like digs i had a moment let me tell you this i had a moment at least you didn't take it with you jason and then uh hold it with you until you asked about a poker well let me tell you this. I had a moment. At least you didn't take it with you, Jason, and then hold it with you until you asked about it on a podcast. Well, let me tell you this. When we first started the lockdown, I said to the kids, right, I've done a schedule.

I think that's my tip, actually, is schedule. Schedule and routine. That is the only thing that's going to get you through this whole process. So, you know, I've been getting the kids up as if we were going to school. We start at half nine, so it's not too bad. But, you know, still make sure the kids up as if we were going to school we start at half nine so it's not too bad but you know still make sure we're up and dressed and washed on a school day at the regular school time and we have a break time at the same time and we have lunch time i get the kids to make their own lunch that's been a revelation um and and then in the

afternoon we do some chores around the house uh together so i get the kids, right, I go, you two are in charge of the dishwasher. You guys are going to do Hoover upstairs. And it's been, you know, it's been quite good in that respect. But what I did on the first day was my wife was in the kitchen. I was just saying to the kids, right, this is the schedule. We're going to do Joe Wicks. We do this, do this. I said, in the afternoon, we're going to do some chores around the house.

I'm going to teach you some domestic stuff. So we'll do that. We'll do the washing. And I just heard like a scoff. You know that noise only your wife can make that just goes right into your heart from another room? She sort of went, ha! And I said, what are you laughing at?

She said, oh, you're going to teach them washing here. You're going to teach yourself first here. And I said, hang on. This is in front of the kids. I went, hang on a minute i said i've been using that wash i've been using a washing machine all my life man and boy i know my way around a washing machine i might not use it at the moment but i know my way around a washing machine i was livid secretly i was livid and she said go on then show us the washing machine i said don't patronize me i know how to use a washing machine and i

marched into that utility room. I said, right, guys, you pull the drawer out and you put your washing powder in. And it was the drawer for the dryer. I wasn't even looking at the right tool. You just stood there with the wrong drawer. Alison Havard, welcome to the show. We finally got you on with me and Josh.

Hello. The tech situation got a bit hairy. Well, we should tell the listeners that basically we've had half an hour of tech troubles. And about 28 minutes into that, I'd given up hope that it was going ahead. So I've not got my game head on. You was literally out there. I know, done i was cooked mate i i never on that last attempt i thought this would never work and then you plugged something in alison and you had you know it was perfect i was like what's happening i literally i was like a technical genius. Well done. I went to input and output. I was all over it.

Alison, could you give the listeners a quick rundown on your setup at the moment, your kids and where you're living and what's happening? So I'm living just outside of Birmingham. It's quite rural. I've only just moved in January. And I've moved to a house which is nearer to my son's school just to make things a little bit easier for him because we lived about eight miles from the school before. So we were doing the school run and it was I had to take him to school every single day.

And it was like, oh, I can't take this anymore. How long was the drive? I did it for about four years, but it's only seven miles. But imagine that rush hour. It takes about an hour. No way. It takes about an hour. No way. It takes about an hour through rush hour, honestly.

Two hours of your day. Yeah. Well, I never used to pick him up. He used to always get the bus home. But I used to always take him to school every single morning. But I did it for four years, and I thought, that's enough now. And this is his final year, and I've actually moved. I've got round to moving.

You've moved. And it's his final year. He's done that for four years, and he moved i know what was the point i know what was the actual point but honestly i can't tell you how much it was actually doing my head in that commute every morning just imagine i had to get out of bed it's terrible i had to get ready you weren't allowed to drive him to school anyway because of lockdown. So it was pointless. You've done it for about four weeks. You spent five years at this school doing an hour of that. Thanks for that, Rob.

Yeah, I've gone into debt. I've got a bigger mortgage. Yeah, thanks for that, Rob. Thanks for making me feel so much better. Thanks. And my workers, a lot of my workers gone. Got no money. Great, Rob. Thanks for making me feel so much better. Thanks. Okay. And my workers, a lot of my workers gone. Got no money. Great.

Thanks. You're working from home, Alastair. We've seen you. And actually, your son, he's about how old's Aidan? 15, is he? 14, 15? He's 15 now. And he's homeschooling.

15? He's your cameraman. He's my cameraman. But I do have to pay him. He's been your cameraman. I have to pay him, babes. It's not just like... Do you?

Yeah, yeah. We negotiate, I think, five pounds, you know, I think, for I do have to pay him. He's been your cameraman. I have to pay him, babes. It's not just like... Do you? Yeah, yeah. We negotiate, I think, five pounds, you know, I think for a 15-year-old. You know, five pounds a shot. For a child. Yeah, get up out of bed. He has to get dressed. He has to get dressed to come and film with me, obviously.

If we're filming in the garden, he has to get ready, he has to have shoes on, have a shower, because it's like work. But we negotiated £12.75, and that's what we're going to go with. Every time he films for me, it's £12.75. I'm actually filming tomorrow on the show, and they want me to do a picnic. And they were asking if Aidan wants to join me, and I just said no.

I just knew he wouldn't want to. He's happy behind the camera, not in front. Yeah, but this morning I've got a lot of money. Well, they're not giving it to me, babes. They're not giving it to me. Imagine if he was on a bigger fee than you. Does he get excited by the fact you're on TV, Alison? He really doesn't, babes.

Josh, he doesn't care. I think he's proud because I've seen him. I did Rocky Horror Show last year and i was the narrator and i saw him in the audience and you know you can just tell someone's really proud of you i see like glints of oh that's my mom i think he's really impressed with like how i do things he says i love your instagram mom you really might make people interested it's really you like make something out of nothing he likes the fact that I can make something out of nothing. Yeah, but also from a teenage boy, you don't get much out of him.

And never mind any sort of love or admiration at that age, do you? So anything's a plus or something. And do you find that? It's hard to get stuff out of him? To be honest with you, he has his moments. He's still, like, there's glimpses. I still see him as like a little baby. And I still see him like, he does still want to be my best friend.

You know what I mean? Like I go cycling with him and he always says, yes. I go, do you want to go for a bike ride? And some people would find that. I think some kids would find that really like who wants to go around with their mom on a bike. He loves it. He loves going around. They don't go very far because they get really tired. We normally just go around the block and then i'm like i'm tired now i'm going back but he always comes with me just enjoys like my company but um i'm thinking of getting an electric bike now because honestly i'm just knackered the whole time just going around the block i want to go further i want to go into the

countryside so i'm thinking of getting one of those electric bikes the hybrid or something like that you could just move to the country, buy a house nearer there. That's what you normally do when you've got a long journey to deal with. Yeah, but what about his school, babes? He's got a year left at school. You say a year. He's not going back, mate. Read the news. How's homeschooling gone?

Are you a good teacher? I'm a fantastic teacher. I'm amazing. He doesn't listen to me, but I am amazing. I think I'm a brilliant teacher. I think I'm He doesn't listen to me, but I am amazing. I think I'm a brilliant teacher. I think I'm a really good motivator. I can motivate. He just doesn't listen to me.

So how does it work out? Take us through the school day. So in the morning, he does have a sleeping. I'm not going to lie, but I've just had an email to say he's got a lesson at 11.25. So I would wake him up an hour before and I'd say go and get a shower yeah it tell me no he's not having a shower today i'll go okay and then um the computer goes on and i just listen to the teacher teaching my son and then afterwards she goes go off and do this assignment and i have to just make sure he doesn't once he's done it he can go and do whatever he wants, which is normally a game console.

What game? It's the one where he kills lots of people in the street and attacks people. It's obviously escapism. Do you miss it, though? Do you miss him being little? I do, actually, yeah. Of course I do. I loved when he didn't answer back

and he just sat there looking at me, doughy-eyed. It was lovely. I miss everything about those times, feeding times. I used to love doing food and mixing different things, broccoli with a bit of meat, put a bit of seasoning in. I'd be like, I wonder if he likes it. I wonder if he likes it.

He used to love my food. And then he'd go to our places and he was like, I'm not feeling that. It's not seasoned. I always seasoned my baby food. My baby food was on point. I should have sold that baby food. It was amazing.

I should have. I should have sold it. What's your tip? What would you season? Salt, pepper? No, I put a bit of all-purpose seasoning in it. All-purpose seasoning. I used to have like mashed potato, sweet potato,

a bit of chicken, broccoli, a little bit of all-purpose seasoning, and he used to absolutely love it. All-purpose? But what other purpose is there than seasoning? It's all-purpose. What else are you doing with it? Bald spot on someone's head, all-purpose. I've run out of toilet paper.

Don't worry. Here you go. All-purpose. Use that. Once this goes out, the rush on all-purpose seasoning at Tesco is going to go absolutely mad. Anything just becomes amazing. A steak, bit of all-purpose. Chicken, bit of all-purpose.

Mincemeat, bit of all-purpose. It comes out as if you're a chef. Honestly, I'm not even joking. There's absolutely no reason why anyone should be cooking any bland food around here now did you know I'm a bit of a chef now guys well I know you've got an ingredient I'm aware of that yeah you've got you've got one ingredient um Alison can you help us as your boy's older now we're struggling to get our daughter's potty trained how did it go for you do you know what I don't i don't know how i did it but i'll be honest with you he just started going to the

toilet it was the weirdest thing ever he used to wake up in the middle of the night and just go to the toilet for one day he just literally went from wearing nappies i put him into you know the pull-ups so he could start feeling the wetness and stuff like that. He was like, I don't like this. Literally started going to the toilet. I was like, oh my God, I am super mom. I am super mom. I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything like that. It just happened.

I was like, oh my God. But have you ever seen an adult who doesn't go to the toilet? So the thing is, I don't think you should worry because eventually they will go to the toilet. I'm not worried, Alison. I'm not worried because I know that will happen, but I want to know how long I've got to pick up human shit for. But don't you find it weird that your child's human shit is OK?

All you've got to do, Rob, it's very simple. Just add a bit of all-purpose seasoning. It's totally fine. It's very simple. Just add a bit of all-purpose seasoning. It's totally fine. So, Lorraine, what's your setup, parenting-wise? Well, we've just got the one,

and she is a grown woman and far more sensible than I will ever be. And she just celebrated her 26th birthday. And she was over in Singapore, working in Singapore, been there for the last three and a half years, and I've really missed her. And then she's back here, which is lovely. been there for the last sort of three and a half years, and I really missed her. And then she's back here, which is lovely. And, like, of course we were driving her crazy, but that's kind of our job.

Have you defaulted to, like, when she was a teenager again? Have you defaulted to those roles? Not really. It's quite different. I think she is kind of more like the parent. She's looking for us and telling us to tidy up it's really quite weird it's mum you have to tidy up you know and she's like she goes out and like does the shopping and we have to say what we want it's really quite actually it's really quite nice I'm quite enjoying it but we do drive her nuts but that's fine but you know what she was quite good um the teenage

years weren't too bad. I mean, there was a lot of eye rolling and a few doors slammed, but it was actually okay. But the thing with us was I was away for quite a lot because I worked down in London, and we were all together until she was about 12 and then went back to Scotland for her to go to secondary school in Scotland. And my husband really wanted to go home as well.

So I did the commute. Not every morning, surely. Not every morning, not every couple of days it was crazy it was crazy but it was doable then because um Dundee has got an airport um tiny tiny little airport and which is so easy you know to get there and it's just a doddle to check in and everything it was it was a joy it was like getting the bus and we went from London City but Steve was the parent that would say eat your broccoli brush your teeth do your homework and I would be the parent that was like hey look I've got heat magazine and then free lipstick and it's like a good cop bad cop a little bit so it was a wee bit a wee bit kind of strange but it was it's all the all the time I mean I just feel as if it's been

two minutes ago that she was a wee tiny baby and it's just gone by so fast I know everybody says that to you but until you're living it you just I think it was literally two minutes ago that she was a wee tiny baby and it's just gone by so fast I know everybody says that to you but until you're living it you just I think it was literally two minutes ago that she was a wee toddler and interested in every I love the toddling stage when they're interested in everything and it takes you about half an hour just to walk down the street because puddles are really interesting and the questions and the why why why I just I loved all that the curiosity of kids I think is the best thing. How was it as a teenager when, you know, you being so famous and on the telly every day

and everyone knowing, you know, a household name, knowing that, you know, her mum was Lorraine Kelly. How was that as a teenager? Was she proud of you? Was she a bit embarrassed? I would say on the whole, probably more embarrassed than anything else. I mean, of course, she was really funny.

I remember when she was really funny when I remember when she was tiny and she said to me and it was before people would come up for selfies and she did say to me she says mum why do you scribble your name on bits of paper for people it's kind of quite bemused so she's never really known anything else and and the thing is when I'm at home I'm just her mum she was never really that impressed which I think is quite healthy although when she was five and she met Westlife she quite liked that. Do you think like most people obviously the thing that they have is they're like oh my god the early mornings but you were getting up at five anyway so you were probably getting up

first anyway it wasn't a problem for you? I know it wasn't that was one that was one of the joys of working with Kelly that you add up and when teeny, teeny tiny, a couple of times I was able to take her into work. And that was because you can just pick them up and carry them. So that was OK. And obviously, I wouldn't leave her on her own. Who knows that, you know, one of the team would take a wee watchful eye on her. But I didn't do that very often. But at least I had the, you know, I had the, occasionally I could do that. They were really good. So you were sat there doing an interview knowing that there's some runner who's looking

after your baby in the green room she'd be sleeping she was sleeping but like I say that probably over the years only happened a handful of times it was it was only if there was a you know an emergency or something and of course when when I needed them my mum would come down I mean my when she was born you know my mum was like right it was 11 o'clock at night um and I phoned my mum and she of course she's in Glasgow and she's like how do I get to you obviously I'd say the country's got a kind of view of Lorraine Kelly you're a very kind of clear character would you say as a mum I can't imagine you disciplining a child can you can you tell someone off Lorraine can you get angry no I can't oh yes I can I mean it takes a lot I am like being terrible Hulk you wouldn't like me when I'm angry we saw the Esther McVeigh clip I've seen

that I don't do it very often I really don't but like I mean that's who let my pals know do you know what I mean that's who that's when I'm sitting having a few a few drinks then that's and then they say tell me about this one what do you think i go well wait till you hear this you know i have to keep her caged and but yeah i think that i found it really difficult giving her into trouble but thankfully she hasn't really given as much you know much trouble the thing i am though the thing i would always say is i'm not her best friend i'm'm her mum. You know how you hear your parents sometimes saying, oh, we're really, really good pals,

and some people go out with their kids. I mean, we would go out for something to eat with her or something, and I would like to think that she tells me everything. Of course she doesn't. Why would she? I'm her mum. You don't want to hear everything. Yeah, and that's why you've got your pals to tell all these things.

So I think it's a bit of a strange idea to think that you can be your children's friend. And I don't think it's a good thing. So if she says, mum, I need to tell you, and you go, I don't want to know, actually. Just tell your mates. So do you try and talk to them about, like, do you find that you you totally comfortable talking to your 15 year old daughter about you know boyfriends and what she's up to and all that kind of thing yes my mom i grew up and my mom she would be like no boyfriends they're just gonna want dig you out now if i break that down in like translate that in english it means they're just going to want to have sex. But her word was dig you out.

That was her. Dig you out. Your heart. That's a graphic image. That's what it is. Like a fucking highway maintenance worker. Jesus Christ. Treating it like it's tarmacking.

Fucking hell. From your mum. And depending on what kind of person you are, you might actually find that line quite intriguing. I'm going to treat you like HS2, baby. I'm going to open the thing and dig you out. My dick's going to be like a shovel. Oh, shovel dick's turned up.

Yeah, again. You know what I mean? Don't send out shovel dick. He might not have a job, but he's got a shovel dick. You know what I mean? Could I just ask? Was it just your mum's phrase, or is everyone saying dig you out? I think there's a few people that might use the term,

and it's a very vulgar term, but I think it's in the term of, like's more context to it you know there's more layers to it it's more about not just the physical but it's the emotional and mental analogy behind it in the sense of having no respect for you and just you know. Digging someone out the term I was like taking the mickey out of them or being horrible if someone's digging you out you go oh they're digging me out for my outfit and stuff not not that term so i think maybe just like the message was maybe just disrespect was it just disrespect you yeah i think yeah just like disrespect you know have sex with you and leave you and haven't got no you know feelings for you you've got to be careful that so I've kind of taken a different tone you know yeah yeah was that conscious decision then that you

thought well I didn't really get what I needed I had questions about dating or growing up and stuff like that but I didn't really get the chance to speak to my mum about it was it a conscious decision to realign your approach for your daughter yeah I think so because I think like my mum was great and um you know my friends we used to talk with my mum we used to laugh and she'd just say because she was older say the most hilarious things but I still think like in this day and age I think I've got to come with a little bit of a different angle I find these kids have got so much other kind of um areas where they can hide information so I feel like I have to kind of you know i mean

there's so much different apps there's so much different people that their reach of speaking to people is just so wide so i thought you know what let me just try and i work to both of their different personalities my daughter's more the one that will cringe and not want to hear it um and my son he's open he he knows every he's there oh but he wanna he wants to ask questions and he wants the answers my son's the kind of kid where he knows the answers already especially if it's quite a uncomfortable question but he will still ask you just to see you embarrassed oh really what kind of things does he ask he'll just be like oh um you know so labor was really hard i heard there was a thing called tearing what is that mum my god

i only heard that three years ago yeah yeah well this is what i'm saying he that he would ask i don't know if he's like that specific question but that in a kind of under he will ask like a real deep where you're like what the hell are you are you do you ever double down and try and embarrass him back no this kid tried that as an option no this kid's different man he's he's i swear down he's he's a different this different breed hi lads. Hi, Donny. Hi, my love. I like the French headboard you've got right behind you.

Yeah. We're renting. I'm renting a house at the moment to do all the promo in. Don't worry, babe. I've got all the four kids covered over here. I got it. Oh, fuck off. We've been doing that for the last two weeks, three weeks. Because I alone with the four kids for three weeks no i get it i totally get it i've just i don't think you do

you've got a friend board and you're getting up at 12 30 i don't think you do babe i got up this morning to do breakfast shows on the radio it's all right you can capture all of this domestic for your podcast yeah i mean this is great for the podcast. We should want to explain what's going on here. Do you want to explain the situation, Rob? Yeah, I say we have got, well, it's our first married couple on the show together. And it feels like we've intercepted your own sort of Zoom catch up. Yeah, we should say you're apart.

Yeah, you're in separate locations. The Ida's comedy trope for the last three weeks, while I've actually been doing stuff like work, is that you're ooh-training across being a pop star, and I'm looking after the four children, and that's been the... It's actually a bit of it's comedic, but a lot of it's not. And the result is I just go, I'm putting food on the table.

First of all, the majority of it is comedic. There's a grain of it like, yeah, I am looking after the kids. But let's be honest. Every time I have called you, you are playing in your golf simulator at the manor. You have rented a manor with a golf simulator. You're putting in six hours of golf work a day so i apologize if i haven't taken too seriously the hard earnest work that you are doing right now but there is no golf simulator where i am i have my simulator is screaming children

that's my simulator has this been the most disjointed start to a podcast yet no but i think it's a fair representation i think it's a fair representation of sort of what's going on because you're both in separate places i just got all the kids so how can you run us how many children have you got 800 i don't even remember their names i don't know it's funny in court we have four kids but in quarantine i don't know if you've experienced this, but I feel like the amount of kids that we have like quadruple, because I never, I never realized how many kids we had till we were at home with them all day long and schooling them.

It was all of a sudden like, what is that? Is it the matrix when, when, when what's his name? Multiplies over and over like the second one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They all became multiple beings because like each scream was four screams you know like trying to get a five-year-old in a and a six-year-old to zoom at the same time for other education was quite challenging plus like you're feeding the baby the other one's shitting somewhere i mean it was a lot it was a lot by It was a lot. By the other one, she meant me.

That was Rob. But I do tell him for the most part to clean up his own mess. And how old are your kids? Eight, six, two, and nine, ten months. Wow. That is full on. And where are you at the moment then, Rob? You're in separate locations.

Ida's in Switzerland. Where are you? I'm in Oxfordshire. Oh, nice. I've come over to do a promo for my album, Christmas Present. And if I didn't do that, none of these children would eat.

Go on. Oh, I'm glad that we're helping you out with the food, Rob. Have we noted that Rob is doing this interview from bed and he's just woken up and it's like 1pm? I'd like to put some framework around this. Yes, I can confirm that he's still lying in bed, topless. I assumed he was in LA and you'd got up really early for this, but no, it is midday, it's Oxfordshire. So how, does this, I wouldn't be able to get away

with this so how how are you how are you managing to do this robbie and not get in trouble with either i i got up really early this morning i did lots of radio shows breakfast shows to launch my single yeah and then because that was so tiring i just had had a power nap. And now I get up and I do this. And then I've got other things to do until nine o'clock this evening. So I'm sticking up your American ass. I will shove that mild accomplishment up my ass, but I would like to take it to the crowd. What time, Robbie Williams, would you say, and be honest,

be truly, truly honest, because we are all a witness. What time would you say that you normally get up in the morning I'd say I've been really good just recently but since you've known me which is 15 years 12 o'clock in the afternoon there you go are you a student listen I suffer with a undiagnosed disorder called Robobism. Robism. Listen, I'm getting there. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

But I've had... One minute at a time. So when you say you've been really good recently, what's really good? Half past nine. Sorry. You're not agreeing with that either. At what point have you gotten up at half past nine? I've got to fit golf in, babe.

You make your golf appointments for noon. You don't get up to the golf course at night. You do not get up at nine. Babe, for the last two and a half weeks, I've been getting up at nine babe for the last two and a half weeks i've been getting up at nine o'clock to do some serious promo and then golf in the golf simulator yes i think people will feel i mean i'll take it i'll take it to the group but it is it does sound trying to be a pop star doesn't it it sounds difficult it's difficult for me and rob obviously because we've got fake jobs

as well yeah what time do you guys get up with your fake jobs and your fake i got up at 6 30 this morning wow yeah i get up about seven every day with the kids you see them in the morning you see them in the morning yes i walk mine to school that's kind of you yeah i pick mine i pick mine up i can't do the pickup so i do the morning that's what i do i can't do the pick up, so I do the morning. That's what I do. I can't do the morning, so I do the pick up. There we go, Rob. We should have a child together. We'd be a perfect couple.

What time do your kids normally wake up then, Ida? They wake up at about 7.30. Oh, that's not too bad. It's not bad. They're good sleepers. They're good sleepers. They're very good sleepers. They get that from the dad.

I still can't. I've got a question about this power nap you've had, Robbie, where I would, if I have a power nap that's normally, you know, fully clothed on the sofa, you are basically naked at the moment. I've never stripped to nothing to have a power nap before. That's just kind of bad, isn't it? I did all of the interviews this morning for the radio people. Some of them were actual Zoom in the studio. I did all of them like this because I'm an eccentric pop star.

You did not do the radio interviews like that. Did you, babe? Did you really do a topless in bed? Yeah. Wow. Strong show. You married an eccentric pop star. You know about me.

Do you think that if you just keep repeating eccentric pop star, that will just bypass it and we'll just go, oh, it's just an eccentric pop star? Okay. Let me ask you this, Ada Williams. Am I an eccentric pop star? You are an eccentric pop star. Okay.

Thank you. But how long could that last? Will you be like an old people's home and you're 90 and you just shit yourself and they go, oh, he's shitting himself. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not old. I'm just an eccentric pop star. I found, I don't know about you, Josh, when you go away on tour,

I'm a really hands-on dad. And when I'm at home, it's completely 50-50. But then when you go away for a couple of weeks and then you come home, you've sort of forgotten how to do it. it's sort of like you know you just it can just go so quick and then you feel a bit like alien and then you've got to relearn all the little routines and stuff and then sometimes it's easier just to go oh i've got to have a bit of work and sort of escape off again and then you sort of and it's weird because you sort of aren't confident enough to establish yourself as a dad but then and then you sort of sort of take that way it's very difficult to come back and forth like after yeah well I've I've really noticed it now much more so in a way

this time because when I have had to go to work I mean and even though we're like Anna and Lyra have come you know we've all come together to New York when I filmed um before Christmas um so we would all be living together in the apartment there, but I would go off to work, you know, in the studio for the day and then come back and maybe, you know, come back after Lyra's gone to bed so I wouldn't see her until the next morning maybe. And I'd notice a difference. Like she wouldn't maybe acknowledge me first thing in the morning.

It would be different. And that's just from being away for a bit of the day, let alone like away for two weeks, like I used to do with, you know, with Lily. I really noticed it. I noticed that a lot, actually,

when you go, you're like, come on, mate, I've just been to work. Give me a break. I'm not taking a shit. That food you're eating is because of me going away and working.

So let's have a little bit more. There's a lot of that going on. I know that. So let's have a little bit more. We, huh? There's a lot of that going on. I know, like, well, I'm not eating it anyway. She didn't eat it in the afternoon. And she just lets it dribble down her mouth. That's what Lyra's doing at the moment. She's got the, I think,

I think we're getting to the point where we're realising we can't give her, like, the sort of pureed food anymore. Oh, my head in that stage. I found it so difficult with the getting on to food. Because she's, yeah, she's eating, we're she's you know putting it in her mouth and then she's just looking at us in the eye and just letting it dribble down her face and she knows what she's doing now i don't know if you remember this period but she's at that period where if you tell her off she just thinks it's funny like she and on one hand, that's kind of a bit annoying because you want to go, no, don't put your fingers in that socket.

Don't pick that knife up. You want to instill in other. But on the other hand, I'm sort of living in terror a little bit at that moment where she realizes she is being told off. Because at the moment, she just doesn't have that. Even if we get, you know, scared about something and raise our voices

or, you know, are a bit sharp with her, she just thinks it's funny. Yeah. That is horrible when they get out. If you do go, no, like that, and then they cry because you actually make them jump.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're panicked and then they get scared and then it's a horrible thing. Yeah. Oh. It's like the first time you see if they cut themselves. I remember that with Lily as well well first she she bumped her lip on something lily when she

was very little and and her lip was bleeding i just remember that feeling of seeing your your child's blood oh it's like oh it chilled me and the same with lyra when she bumped her head one time as well it's horrible feeling that and seeing them it's it? Seeing them like that. It's grim. It's, I think that one where you say like that situation where like they think they're being told off and it's funny. Have you got into this situation where they'll do something and you'll laugh and then you've created a running joke that's every time you laugh, it's reinforcing bad behavior.

So I've got in this running joke now where so, so she'll say it's cuddle time and then she'll cuddle her mum. And then I'll go, I said, oh, is it my cuddle time? And she said, no. And we both laughed. And now I haven't had a cuddle in four days. Because she thinks it's funny.

She thinks it's funny. She loves to go, it's not your cuddle time. I'm like, all right, mate. A joke's a joke in this situation. Come on. That's it's not your cuddle time. I'm like, all right, mate, a joke's a joke in this situation. Come on. That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be back next week. If you are not in the queue and you are waiting,

then step to the side. He got in touch. He said, yeah, sorry, mate, you didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats.

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