Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 7

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

While we're on a very short break to see in the new year (Happy New Year everyone!) here's a hand crafted selection of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger... (We'll be back for series 6 on Tuesday 10th January) TRACK LISTING: ELLIS JAMES Kicking things off, Ellis James reveals how his son’s early wake ups miraculously disappeared... only to return.  ABBEY CLANCEY Next up, Abbey Clancy describes the mayhem and mishaps in her jam-packed household… IAIN STIRLING The next highlight comes from Iain Stirling as he talks getting to grips with the early stages of parenting… HELEN RUSSELL Helen Russell discusses the delights of Danish living and the lengths she’ll go to for Danish pastries… BABATUNDE ALESHE Babtunde Aleshe discusses competitive children, the pleasures of countryside living, and his son’s unusual comfort habit… SAM QUEK Our penultimate clip features new mum Sam Quek revealing some of the strange requests she’s as an Olympian…  CHARLIE BAKER And finally, Charlie Baker, shares his perfect analogies for living with and parenting his teenage son…   If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. times when none of us know what we're doing.

I think, though, maybe, Ellis, that you were considered the person that had had it hardest on this podcast. You almost became like an urban folk legend of the podcast until we had you on. And then it was confirmed that you did have it quite bad the first time around. So I think we're intrigued to know how... I've just re-listened

to your podcast, Ellis. Oh, yeah. you're getting up at 10 to 5 oh yeah um every morning i think that my son has re-listened to that podcast because how is it probably a month after we recorded that it all clicked and he started waking up at 7am. And I could honestly tell you it was like being on... It just clicked overnight? Pretty much, yeah. It was like being on holiday. We had a very strange couple of days where he was waking up.

It must have been during the school holidays or something because Betty's a late riser, my daughter, our daughter. So we don't set alarms because he was our alarm, Stefan, my now two-year-old son. And then there were a couple of weird days where Betty wasn't at school, so he must have not been setting an alarm. It must have been the weekend where he was waking up like at half past eight and then at nine o'clock.

And then one day he woke up at half past nine to the extent that we went in and checked on him. I thought, wow, this is amazing. And then he settled down at about 7 a.m. past nine to the extent that we went in and we went in and checked on him yeah i thought wow this is this is amazing and then he then he settled down at about 7am that's ideal for me no problem at all wow over the last did you do anything well over the last week oh no basically you texted me five six days ago saying do you fancy coming on lockdown parenting hell again as a returning guest? I said, yeah, no problem.

And he woke up at 6.50. I thought, yeah, I can handle that. And then it was 6.40. Then at 6.30, I said, oh, this isn't great, isn't it? He's shaving off 10 minutes every morning. Then it was 6.20. This morning was 5.58. I thought, you fucking bastard.

Now, I think what's happened is we are recording this in late March. And I think what's happened is it's the light. It's now light in the morning. It's now light at about 6 a.m. So when I go into his room, even though there's a blackout blind, there is treated with a reverence that you would usually

reserve for the two-ring shroud. I mean, no wonder the blitz was so bad because if this constitutes a blackout blind now with all the

technology what the fuck was going on then? Did you know we're on? Disco lights on the windows. That is such a cockney observation 50 years before you were born

You can't stop going on about the blitz You don't know how hard we Every night it was Fucking every night I mean they completed Coventry and Liverpool Don't they in Plymouth and Swansea I mean the East End of London where I grew up By accident they were aiming for us Plymouth and Swansea. I mean, he stayed in London where I grew up.

By accident, they were aiming for us. That piece of death law green, and it was completely flattened by the bloody Germans. Anyway, so I think it's the light. I think the light is creeping in. So last night, I took such care over this blackout blind, but it's still creeping in on the sides, and then there's a blind and then there's the curtains. The curtains are rubbish. The curtains are white. I don't know why we bothered

with those curtains. White curtains? That basic, basic, basic how you think of it, wasn't it? White with a picture of a, I don't know, of... Fucking unicorn or giraffe. Yeah, what's the multicolored elephant called? Elmer.

Elmer. Yes. Like Elmer curtains or something. I don't know. It's complete bullshit. But, um, so yeah,

so I, I'm worried. I think it's because the summer's on the way, but obviously the clocks go back on Saturday night. So 6am will become 5am. I mean, 7am. We, we had six, I really thought this was it. We had seven or eight months of that. And had you done anything?

We did do sleep training. But is that what did it? We did sleep training the first time and then he got ill. He had a really bad cold. This is pre lockdown. And then because we had to go in and cuddle him and give milk and stuff because he had this really bad cold he kind of forgot all of the sleep training so then we did sleep training again yeah because i think the common cold does give memory loss because i i basically learned pythagoras had a cold and i couldn't tell you anything about angles now i forgot how to write i live in a big circle it's like the roundhouse by us i couldn't handle it and then what happened the second time, it really clicked.

And then he was sleeping through the night, but he was an early riser. And then his rising just became later and later. And then he sort of settled down at about between seven and quarter past seven. Great. But I think what's happened is now, because he's two, he was two in January. So it was three months ago. I think we're now entering the zone of maybe dropping his afternoon nap because he still has quite a substantial afternoon nap,

which is also a ball ache in itself because that's when I tend to do a lot of stuff when he's asleep. How long is he having a nap for? You what? How long is his nap? Oh, I thought you said, what's he having a nap for? Because he's two. You what?

You what, Rob? Lazy bastard. I thought you'd phrased the question in a really weird way. What's he having a nap for? Your baby's a bit tired, isn't he? Yeah. Come on. Do me a favour.

What's he drinking all that milk for? Rob's never met a kid. It's quite a weird podcast. I've made it all up. I'm a character actor. He's winging it. It's finally been exposed. I'm rather trained.

It's all based on his very fuzzy memories of his own childhood. First of all, can we remind the listeners of your setup at home with the kids? How many we got? We've got four kids. We've got three under five five okay so what can you run us through the ages sophia is 10 liberty's five johnny's three and the gift from god is one one gift from god oh wow the gift from god and on top of this you was texting me before this it's quite stressful in your household because of the amount of animals you've got. Yeah. We've just got five little ducklings, but only two of them have hatched at the moment.

Yeah. And we've got two orphan lambs that we're bottle feeding. And the last three kids are still bottle and dummy, so I'm not doing very well, really. So you've got three kids and two lambs all on the bottle at the same time. At least they're not all breastfeeding. That would be a nightmare. Good job you've got them on the bottle. I same time. At least they're not all breastfeeding. That'd be a nightmare. Good job we got them on the bottle. I've got no breast so we can't have that.

Do you live in the countryside then? No. Fair enough. Kind of. I think I'm just kind of trying to live the childhood I wanted through my own children. Like we were never allowed pets or anything like that, so I just try and give them as many pets as I can.

Have you got cats and dogs as well? Yeah, two cats. Two cats? Our cats are 15. Okay. We got them when me and Pete first got together. We've got our dog, Jeffrey, who we got in lockdown. Okay.

Lockdown dog. And we've got Lily and Lola, the lambs. Yep. And Jemima, the duck the duck which was hatched today and the other one hasn't got a name because he's literally just hatched and then the other three haven't hatched yet and we've got a great dane called ringo who lives here part-time part-time what's he doing with the rest of the time he's at my brother's house okay so of the time. So that's two dogs. He just needs a little break sometimes, doesn't he? They're quite calm, Great Danes. It is a bit too much.

But Pete's like, he didn't want any of these animals and he absolutely loves them. He like nurses the lamb, has the lamb on his knee feeding it with a bottle wrapped in a little blanket. He's just, he likes to play this like cruel animal hater role, but he loves it

Yeah, but Abby, before, when we were setting up the sound What did Peter say to you about bringing back another Another alive thing to the house? Well, he said if I actually bring one more living thing into this house He's going to leave me Okay, yeah, so you're sure that he's into all these animals? Well, I'm trying to make him take the hint That's why I keep getting them

Yeah, because when he was on, he was speaking about the time you were shouting from the background because i asked him if he'd any parenting mishaps and you were shouting tell him about the farm tell him about the farm and he refused to tell us so was the farm the house or was it at a farm so the farm story it was at an actual farm and i went to the toilet i was gone for one second and i come back and he was just an actual farm. And I went to the toilet. I was gone for one second. And I come back and he was just sitting there. And I'm like, where's the baby? Couldn't find the baby anywhere. So I was hysterical.

And he'd escaped out of the contained indoor play area and was like a mile down the road by lambs and a lake and everything. Oh, God. So I like battered Pete in front of everyone in the farm. Like, bored at him. I think I threw a cup of coffee on him. You know, it was a nightmare. Because I'm just so

worried about anything happening to them. And he's just far too late. He's just so laid back. It's a joke. Imagine the anecdote those people who've gone to the farm have got from that day. Oh, I know. What did you see? Well, some sheep and I also saw Abby Clancy throw a coffee on Peter Crouch. It was amazing. imagine the anecdote those people who've gone to the farm have got from that day oh no what did you see well some sheep and i also abby clancy threw a coffee on peter crouch it was amazing i threw the coffee out and punched him it's like i don't condone violence at all but it was out of

panic and i was you know i think you could be let off yeah i was terrified yeah he's just he's just too laid back and he forgot the baby bag that's his favorite favourite thing to do. So how's the sort of parenting split? Obviously, because Peter, when he was playing football, was really busy. Now he's retired. He sort of does a bit of work, but not as busy as he was. And you're still modelling and presenting. What's the sort of, you know, divvying up of responsibilities?

Is it more you than Peter? That's what I'm getting from this. I think so, because I'm not working as much as Peter at the moment because my baby's only one. So I'm kind of enjoying just I think so because I'm not working as much as Pete at the moment because my baby's only one, so I'm kind of enjoying just being at home with the kids. And when Pete goes to work, I just throw them at him. And he's like, I've been at work all day. And I'm like, tag, short hair now.

But I can't complain about Pete. There's one thing he is, he's an amazing dad, like all jokes aside, you know, no matter how hungover he is, how tired he is, he's still like like, 100%, 100% with the kids where I'm, like, normally dying somewhere. Oh, I can't do it if I'm hungover. I'm such a bad hungover parent. It's horrible, isn't it?

It just, like, puts me off drinking. I swear the drinks make kids get louder the next day. I don't know what it is, but just something just sends them over the edge. And mine are all too young to just get on the couch and watch a movie. It's just like they're not movie age. You have to just play with them all day. Are you finished at four? Yeah.

Is that sort of your sort of, like, if you sort of like, is your opium is getting off the heroin of kids. You're starting with farm animals. I was actually finished with three. Yeah. And then I found, like, I went for a fitting and they were like, the girl's like, are you pregnant by any chance?

She could tell by my body. Really? That's how you found out? I was like, no chance. And then I did a test and called Pete, and he was in the car with Glenn Johnson. And I was like, Pete? I was like, Pete, I've got something to tell you.

And he went, if you're about to say what I think you're about to say, just don't say it. And he had another two hours left until he got home and I was so scared. And then he got home and he was like, I've had time to think and it's okay. Oh my God. So it was a complete surprise.

It was a surprise. We hated each other at that point as well. So I don't even know how I got pregnant. I'll be quite honest. Like the pregnancy with Johnny was hell. Johnny's your youngest, no johnny's the uh three-year-old okay cool yep so i hated him he hated me and so i don't even know how it happened that's what that's why we call him the gift from god but you know what he's just wonderful he's

just fabulous and he just he's just fitted in so well and he's not one bit of trouble. So it's 8.15pm at the moment. They're all in bed, Josh. We've got it down. That's amazing. How have you done it? I was the first out of my friends to have my babies and I would always feel bad about letting them down for, like, an event or going round to theirs for dinner or whatever. And all my friends just bail. I can't do it. I've got the baby and they've got one.

I'm like, you're so pathetic. Me and Pete laugh at people and go like, oh God, look at them moaning about one child or two children. We've got four. You know, so we feel quite smug about that. But you know, they're in bed now. Jack goes to sleep seven till seven,

but Johnny and Lib are in our bed now. And then we'll have to get them out of our bed. Oh, okay. So what's the bedtime schedule then? Do you try and bath them all together, or is this a rota? They're all in the bath together. What time's that?

I'm obsessed with people's schedules, I know what you're saying. Yeah. So we eat early, we eat about half five. And do you and Peter eat at half five as well, or is it just the kids? And that's it?

Well, no, then we have like, Pete will bring me like a cup of tea and Bicky's in bed at like 10. And he'll have like toast or whatever. Or a pot noodle, which makes me sick. Oh, God. Pot noodle in bed? No, not in bed. Before bed.

All right. And I can't get my head around an athlete that would, even though they know all about nutrition, he's still banging back a pot noodle. Yeah, he loves them artificial ready meal things. Like a Rizzler, is it called like a Rizzler's burger or whatever? Oh, no. Oh, Rustler's.

Rustler's. Oh, they're awful. Anything like that, he loves. I think it's because he's been so deprived his whole life, being an athlete and having to eat so well. Yeah. He's like kind of binging on junk. So they all get in the bath together in one go.

So they all get in the bath together in one go so they all get in the bath together then i try and keep them in there as long as possible to like waste some time yeah and then out about half six then joe armies then we play run catch before bed so that's where they just like run on the landing and we have to catch them yeah and then put them into bed so that lasts about half an hour then Then Jack goes down and then Liberty and Johnny go in our bed. Our kids aren't like big for stories. You know, we try and do that whole story thing and go to bed, but they don't want it.

So we just put like something on for 10 minutes and they fall asleep. And then we put them in their bed. And then when we go to bed about half an hour later, Johnny comes in with us. He sleeps there all night. And then we've got a single mattress on the floor next to our bed

where Liberty sleeps. Really? Yeah. And then Liberty gets out of the single bed and in our bed and then Pete goes on the single mattress on the floor. But every night, like clockwork, wow. What a set up. That's amazing.

They're so good, but there's just too many of them. We have to kind of bend the rules a bit you know the schedules just don't the routines are just we've got our own little routine going on and it works have you have you been on your own with the baby yet um or laura been on her own with the baby like have you have you had sole charge of the baby yet, Ian? I've had, well, again, because of the whole breastfeeding situ, I can get, I once looked after the baby for three hours. Okay.

It was a fabulous time. You put her in that bouncy chair thing. Have you got one of them? A bouncy chair? Oh, not the one on the door. I was like, she's a bit young for that, Ian. No, no, no. Come on. The Bjorn Borg one. Is it Bjorn, not it, no. Come on. The Bjorn Borg one,

is it Bjorn, not Bjorn Borg. It's not Bjorn Borg, what is it? Baby Bjorn. Well, we've gone maxi cozy. Oh,

classic. You can't go wrong with a cozy maxi maxi cozy, can you? No. So I put her in that, that was, and then you could just sort of, and I've also worked out how to,

you put them in the pram. Yeah. And then you can put your feet on the back two wheels and sort of get a sort of left to right motion. I've got for an entire half a football with them in there.

Ah. A little rocking. Little bit of rocking. Love movement. I used to love take, they do love movement. I used to love taking them for walks and listening to podcasts

because the fresh air keeps them quiet and stuff. It's so counterintuitive, isn't it? Like you just think, don't move them. Don't make any noise. And they actually love a bit of noise and they love a bit of a... Yeah. Sometimes when our baby starts crying,

we go from the pavement onto, like, we go off-road onto, like, the grass. She's out like a light. Off-road! We off-road it. Can I just check? You mean in the pram, not when you're driving, right? Oh, yeah, no, no, I'm not, like, Colin McRae rallying it about. How check you mean in the pram not when you're driving oh yeah no no i'm not like colin mccray rallying it about how do you feel about i was very nervous changing them when they're that small and obviously i did it and i did the nappies and put them in different clothes but like

lou would love like getting him into oh let's put them in that outfit i was like they're in an outfit let's not risk it again that arm is so little i've had it so hard i'm quite good at nappies i'm very good at socks i'm all right at trousers i fall apart it's anything that has to go over their head and put their arms in i'm like i am gonna pull i'm gonna dislocate their shoulder yeah i don't know how you're gonna hold up like a turkey drumstick like oh no i've pulled too hard i don't know how people do it my main fear was the the soft bit on top of the head. Yeah, it's like an avocado. It's rank.

Support the neck. You are in peak support the neck territory. We, and then that's all we do. We sort of ruin the fun of anyone else. Obviously, COVID is very rarely happens. Anyone else that holds our baby just gets... Support the neck. Yeah, but some people don't, do they?

And even parents of other kids, they pick them up, their heads start rolling around like a bowling ball, and you're like, what are they doing? I hate someone that's got... I mean, hate. No, do you know what? Fuck it, I hate.

People that have got like six, seven-year-olds, so they think there's still no babies and they've completely forgotten everything and they pick up your kid like it's an Ikea shopping bag. And they just think they know everything. I'm like, you're six, at least if they're like,

if your kid's like 10, 11, they're like, oh, I've not done this for a while. And they take some advice. The owner of a five-year-old throws your kid about like a bowling ball. Have you had many visitors, Ian? We've had the old six people in the garden. It was nice.

And one of the couples expecting, and one of the couples has got a two-year-old. It was this nice sort of like rites of passage moment. And all the dads had a little beer in the garden and discussed where they were at, which is really nice. And I've noticed that every parent says to me, because we're like, oh, it's all right, apart from the sleep, it's actually not too bad.

It's really like, she's just such a brilliant baby. And like, I mean, you think they're so beautiful and I have such a lovely time. You know, it's not as bad as I thought. And they're like, wait till this, everyone's like, wait till they start moving. Yeah, I know, but you've got, everyone is so pessimistic and it is a bit harder when they're running about,

but you can't live in fear like that just if they're good at the moment just just blank that out because you'll always find some miserable bastard and then they'll be like oh i think they're all right or you wait till they start school and then they start school and it's fine or wait till they're a teenager why don't you fuck off i can't wait for you to shut your mouth mate you're not helping my kid's fine give me a break yeah it's my, you know what it is? It's no one ever wants to hear that someone else is having a good time with their children.

Yeah, that's the problem. No one wants that. But I find, honestly, I find that we've been absolutely, I think we've been really lucky. They took to the boob really well and took to the bottle really well. And I think that's a big,

those are the two of the big, big ones, aren't they? When they're small. And then sleep, none of them sleep. No, that's the thing's a big that those are the two the big big ones aren't they when they're small and then sleep none of them sleep no that's the thing i think as well it's been it depends how stressful like what else is going on at the time if you if it's you know i think you get in a role if it's going quite well it sort of carries on going well but like out of your friendship group are you one of the last ones to have kids or one of the first or about the middle because it's you know i think you get in a role if it's going quite well it sort of carries on going well but like out of your friendship group are you one of the last ones to have kids or one of the first or about the middle because it does change like i had groups of friends i just stopped seeing when they didn't

have kids and then now they started having kids you see them more but have you found that with your friendship groups and stuff i find and a lot of people I know agree, notice this. My friends from back home, I'm sort of the last one. They're all babied up. Two, three, you name it. Little house outside, slow cooker chat, all that. The whole shebang, right? How old are you, Ian?

I'm 33 years old. Which is like, you know, that's like 50 in Scotland, isn't it? I'm nearly done, mate. People say things like this, iPhones been in our family for five generations. And so Scotland, I'm quite far, not far behind, but I'm the back end of the curve. And then London, my mates, some of whom are older than me,

look at me with my baby like i am an absolute maniac and they can't believe i've made this decision and why am i not waiting till i'm 50 like everyone else but they'll be the 45 year old on a skateboard in finsbury park with a two-year-old gang that's the one thing when you have a baby when you have a baby i'm like with this sleep and all that i'm like i don't think i'd be able to like i mean that again now i'm being negative. You absolutely could. If you're an older dad here,

of course you can. Maybe I just don't look after myself enough, but there is a thought of like, doing night feeds when you're in your 40s or something. I'd be like, oh, I'd be,

I don't know if I'd manage it. Yeah, like get your back going as you get up. Oh God, and all that. Trying to take your son to like five a size when you're like,

in your 60s. Yeah. I mean, I'm 35 and I make a noise putting socks on. It's certainly going to get worse. Yeah, but Rob, let's be honest. You make a noise doing anything, don't you? So Denmark, population about 5 million. I checked.

I didn't know that. I've watched a documentary on Lego. Of course I have. I'm sure Rob has watched it as well. And they're based in like a small town that's just basically people who work at Lego, aren't they? Yeah, that's right. I live in the middle of nowhere.

No, I'm not in the jazzy Copenhagen bit. It is the middle of nowhere in a place called rural Uland. And, yes, there's not that much going on. I mean, we're very excited. Like post-COVID, the big four are open again. And the big four are Legoland, Lego House, this place called Wow Park, and the zoo. I mean, there's very little to do.

Wow Park sounds amazing. I mean, you're really setting your stall out if it's just a Ferris wheel, isn't it? I know the arrogance. Yeah. Wow. That's not very Danish, is it? Wow Park. It's true.

And how old are your children now? Sorry, we didn't get their ages. Yeah, so I have a little ginger child who no one knows where the ginger hair came from, but he is seven now, and my twins are just turned four, so we are busy. Oh, blimey, that is a busy house. Oh yeah, so it's fairly recently then you wrote the book, and you've had about four since. You've absolutely you're banging out books at the rate of children at the moment. Well, there was a stage where I was just writing a book every time I had a baby. And then I thought, well, I don't want another baby. Like, how am I going to do this? But I think because I have to be freelance here because my Danish is still terrible. And working as a journalist, I was a Scandinavian correspondent for The Guardian for a while.

But actually, it's quite hard to react to news stories I'd be asked like can I go and cover a bomb going off in Sweden and I'd be like no I've got a shepherd's pie in the oven it's very hard to do that once you have a kid books work quite well for that so you moved over there your Danish is now not brilliant you say but presumably you had no Danish when you moved over there right would that be fair no no Danish no friends no family I mean it was quite a shocker what's that like well I you just sort of I don't often sort of take big risks with bravado but I somehow agreed to move here and then and then my husband left to go to work at 7 30 a.m because the working day starts at 8 here and ends early as well and I was just sort of in this bleak in the middle of

nowhere in January and it was very much like the killing just forests all around I thought what have I done um yeah so I think work was a real salvation there of just keeping busy and that helped me meet people as well and like build up friends around here so of course and do you genuinely believe though that a slightly more relaxed way of life helped you get pregnant? Or do you think it was more luck? Or do you think it had an impact? Yeah, I definitely think it had an impact. Because I'd been doing all of the things in London.

I'd been going to St Mary's Hospital and going to Tooting every week. Three times a week I was having all these appointments whilst trying to fit it in and around my really high powered job. Was that IVF? Yeah, yeah. And then here, it was just a different pace of life. However, interestingly, for having the twins, it's very hard to relax enough to get pregnant

when you already have a toddler. So that was IVF. So the first one wasn't IVF, but the twins were IVF. Yeah, exactly. When you got there, what were the main lifestyle changes? Because we talk about this more relaxed way of life, but that's kind of quite a nebulous idea because all I know currently is that you go to work at 8am,

which to me sounds much, much worse. Yes, this is true. But you finish at four and actually um the average day electrician yeah the average day does 33 hours a week which is you know so much less than i was used to doing in london and they're quite um there's this more of a mentality of um you're trusted to do your job and then leave there's no presenteeism and you know back in many jobs in london you know you're pat on the back if you're still at your desk at 7pm. And that's not the case here. Somebody did it in Lego and they got a lecture on time management and a leaflet about efficiency.

Oh, wow. They love a leaflet. Absolutely love a leaflet. Last stage of the working day. Leave. Yeah. So there's much more of an emphasis on, you know, you have to leave at four o'clock because everybody works. on you know you have to leave at four o'clock because everybody works 80% of mothers work you have to pick your kids up from daycare and you know the men and the women are tend to be involved in the pickup in in making a home-cooked meal food is very expensive eating out is really expensive so even before corona most people are getting home to cook a family meal each night so it's there's just more of an emphasis on on doing your work getting home having a life doing lots of hobbies as well that's big in Denmarkmark oh wow and how how was it different obviously when you didn't have kids you were there you're sort of alone and i find having kids makes you sort of get into the local community more

where you know when you're busy doing your own thing you don't really notice but when you've got to find a place for them to learn to swim or to find a nursery and stuff how was it having a baby in that environment was it is it different to how you saw your friends and families with kids in the UK? Yeah, yeah, for sure it is. And there's not really NCT type stuff. So I didn't have that ready-made friendship group for new parents. So I did have to go out there. I'm going to shock you here, Helen.

It's not a friendship group. It's people that you are forced to be in a WhatsApp group with until you all decide you don't like each other and never message again so don't don't be sold this friendship group there's a reason danes are more happy and they haven't got nct that's the reason yeah so so there's a lot of that and there's a lot of sitting around in cafes and yeah it's quite civilized what i did find though is having twins and maybe you've had guests on before who similar experience that you can't actually get to many of the child related activities because you

can't get a double stroller anywhere so I made some friends while I had one child but when you have twins it was impossible oh just because you the space I know I think you can physically buy one can't you or is it just not the space well so I measured up so the Danish pastries that's another reason they're happier the Danish pastries are amazing and I measured up. So the Danish pastries, that's another reason they're happier. The Danish pastries are amazing. And I measured up the doorway. I don't know if I believe you now. What? The Danish pastries sounds like you've never moved to Denmark

and you're now winging it. They must have actual names, the Danish pastries in Denmark, don't they? Yeah, they're called Wienerbrot. There we go. Now we're talking. Give me more of these. Wienerbrot.

Wienerbrot, Viennese bread. And there's the frog snapper. There's one called Baker's Bad Eye because it's got this creamy custard goo in the middle. Baker's Bad Eye? Yeah. Sounds like something horrific in Poland, Baker's Bad Eye. Sorry to bring the tone down, everyone. So the double stroller, you measured it.

There was no space. I measured the doorway to my favourite bakery before I bought the stroller to check it could still fit in. And it could. That is commitment to pastry. Yeah, I was a winner. But I found that lots of the baby activities, I just couldn't manoeuvre it in

or I couldn't carry the babies upstairs both at the same time. So it's a shocker. So they would have been, you would have had a three-year-old and then the twins would that be right yeah a very angry red-headed three-year-old annoyed at having to share with two babies yeah my son's like a little gamer so yeah oh is he he's into gaming already yeah yeah he's into gaming hard real hard yeah so what's he what's he playing at the moment i bought him a switch uh nintendo switch so he plays like your mario world your mario cards so is he good can you be good at that age no i mean i beat him a lot and he cries

but i do it on purpose because like when he gets on my nerves, I'm just like, oh, yeah, should we play Mario Kart? And he's like, yeah. And then I thrash him, like. And the funniest thing is he watches me, like, totally thrash him every single level. And he'll wait until the trophy's presented to me, and then he'll just start crying. Really?

Because I did that try to play the, they've got the Olympics game, you know, the Mario or Sonic Olympics with a run in. And then I let my daughter win a couple and then I beat her and then she just went mental. At that age, they cannot deal with losing. And it's like, it's just a scream and cry and they have to win every time. And you just think, oh my God, is my kid going to be an awful person or is this just part of growing up? That is my son. Honest to God, I do the same thing with thing with him but yeah he just wants to be better at me than anything like he's always like trying to say like i'm stronger than you daddy like and trying to fight me and it's just like dude like i will body slam you like you know exactly they'll say like you know i don't know how big he is but you're a pretty big guy you're not a small guy i think you could take a five-year-old couldn't you yeah i could oh listen i would my son especially

when he gets on my nerves like i told you man i'll body slam him sort of play fighting and stuff yeah yeah he loves it man he like always just trying to like punch me up and stamp on really see my five-year-old is like that but with like knowledge she's like i know i know this because of school i know more than you she's obsessed with knowing more than me because she's learned a bit at school now i said there was a refraction of the light and she's actually reflection and then i was like and then she's banging on at me about what reflection is and i just felt like you're fucking wrong it's so wrong it sounds similar but you're fucking wrong but she was i know because i go to school and i know and i shut was like, shut up.

But they love it, don't they? Even at fire. Is he in his first year of school then? Yeah, he's going to go into year one this September. So he's just finished reception. And yeah, he's happy because in his mind, I'm going to be a big boy now, Dad. And it's just like, yeah, kind of.

But you still struggle with wiping your bum. So I don't know about this big boy now dad and it's just like yeah kind of but you still struggle with wiping your bum so i don't know about this big boy you know i mean this big boy stuff you know i mean so yeah and you you were in north london and you've moved to hertfordshire is that right yeah yeah was that because of the kids and stuff or was it yeah it was it was we would we were living it's so weird so yeah when i moved from my mum's house in Highgate, once I got married, we moved to Enfield and then we spent like maybe like a year and a half there and then, you know, was fortunate enough

to save up enough money. Came to Hertfordshire. So you're in the countryside? I am, I am, man. I'm there like, you know, there's a whole bunch of trees outside my yard and sometimes he's a city boy but he knows all the terms but i've turned out of country bumpkin all of a sudden trees and that yeah trees and that and couple horses and that and sheep and that

so yeah man it's it's different man it's different up here how did you find it when um when he was a little when there's a new ball and stuff like that was it was did he sleep well was he a bit of a nightmare no he slept well he slept well he he oh man he was good he was good josh is josh is dealing with a very uh that's a badly sleeping child at the moment that's a heartbreaking answer sorry bro the answer is the answer is you just get a good sleeper or you don't and then that's just your end you're just lucky you're not yeah that's the hand i've been dealt for the next 18 years one of my mates kane brown um he's a comic as well he just told me kiss good kiss sleep goodbye that's all he said to me it was just like

forget about sleep like you will never get a good night sleep forever and i was just like damn well it's true it is true because then when they get older you don't sleep because you're worrying about them because they're not in the house oh i take that rob i'd happily i'd happily lie there worrying i don't know you know at least i can look at my phone while i do it mate at least you can watch a film while you're worrying. Yeah, at least I'm not getting back problems from walking him around the bloody room all the time. Well, my wife kind of dealt with that side of things, to be honest.

I did sleep through the crying sometimes when he would wake up. Because he wasn't that bad. He wasn't that bad. But obviously, the odd time here and there was just like, yeah, this child ain't going to sleep. But my son has this annoying habit, yeah? He likes to touch my armpit.

I don't know why. And I don't know where this comes from. And this is true. So what he will do sometimes is more to... If he's not just jumping in the bed and just getting in between me and my wife, sometimes I'll wake up to him scratching my armpits it's the most random thing oh my god that's so weird no honest to god this is so weird and i'm like me and my wife we googled it we were just like what is this

obsession with him holding people's armpits what can i ask what you google what the exact terminology you're googling that is i? I put child's obsession with armpits. Oh, my God. What a search. I bet you were so worried waiting for it to load up. And apparently it's a rare thing. It's not uncommon, but it's rare. Oh, shit.

And I'm just like, why would it be my son? That has to be the rare one but yeah apparently yeah a few children do this and would that would he hold a stranger's armpit it depends how comfortable he gets like he did it to my mate nelson and he just did it so he did it so smoothly to the point where my mate turned around and was just like oh snap like and I couldn't I'm missing I was on the floor Sam Quek welcome to the podcast you are our first Olympic gold medalist oh I'm honoured thank you that is exciting though that is such a big achievement that it's sort of do you get bored of it being brought up or does it still feel good when you hear it?

It still feels good. Even when I get on my medal, sometimes it still feels good. Any opportunity. I'm like, Oh, here's my medal. Have you put your medal on your baby?

I actually haven't put it on her. I put it next to her. I took a photo with it. Cause she had like her own little personal portrait photo shoot a few weeks ago. So, um, she actually, the gold medals are getting bigger and bigger but bless molly she makes it look even bigger because she's so small so what's the setup at home you've got

one child yes one child who is eight weeks this week so proper fresh how are you feeling because i think i think at eight weeks old i just i wouldn't have been able to speak to someone about having it i'd sew in the in the trenches but how's it going it's going really well i'm blessed to have tom who's brilliant i mean i'm not great at the best of times without sleep but he is really stepping up to do some of the night feeds so i'm actually feeling okay the first two weeks are really tough I think you just gotta well like you know figure out the baby and what their cues are what they like what they don't like what works what doesn't work so I can sit here at eight weeks and say listen it's it's not easy you know I don't think it's easy for anyone but I can't complain because she is a star and I've got a

support system what I like is you do slightly talk you still talk slightly like as like you're discussing a run of sporting fixtures. I was about to say that, Josh. That was a classic response from an athlete. There was emotionless broken down into what is our goal?

How are we going to attack it? And we're being successful. Let's just crack on. You know, it's a new week next week. The boys are happy to change your room. We'll print out the next spreadsheet. Are you very organised then?

You sound a very organised and controlled mum. Would you say, you know, we've had poo splats all over the white wardrobes a number of times, you know, puke filled clothes and whatnot. Just the standard. I think most parents will probably know what I'm going on about, but I didn't expect it to be what it is.

I don't know why. I just, every so often I look at her and I'm like, oh my god that's mine what is in a responsibility or an excitement sort of way or both both because I've always especially as an athlete you grow up um and you compute you have to be really selfish even to the point in a relationship I was very much it was always about me what I couldn't go to what dates were are available to kind of drink kind of not drink and then like that was marriage and then just me and Tom but now I've got a kid it's like another level of oh my god you have to look after this thing who can't do anything for

itself um and even just like I mean I'm expressing and I feel like a you know a cow that needs to be milked but because she's getting bigger she's wanting more milk and i'm like oh my god just even stuff like that trying to provide milk for a child keep up demand it's like it's like a small brand that's popped off in lockdown on insta and you just you haven't got the supply chain yet well i said to my husband i said i'm just pumping milk what we're going to do with all this milk and he said i can definitely get some on away on, definitely. If I get an Olympic gold medalist, we'll make a good game. Gold medal milk, the fuel of champions. Very strange piece of sporting memorabilia. I think it would sell.

You say that, but I've been asked for some really weird stuff before. Like from some people wanted my old shoes and socks. I don't know what they wanted them for. I think I do. what do you think you know let's not be naive about this is some sick fucks knocking about sam another request as well someone wanted a recording of me of me farting through a walkie talkie oh wow oh god i've had the walkie talkie is perhaps the weirdest bit of that so it's not actually it's not the weirdest bit of that. Well, it's not, actually. It's not the weirdest bit of that. So you're eight weeks in.

Do you feel like sleep deprived at all? Or you seem like you're pretty with it? It's because I've had a coffee. I mean, I used to be a coffee fiend and then obviously cut it down or didn't really have any during pregnancy. So now when I have a whiff of coffee, am bouncing off the walls i bet yes like when you don't drink for a while and then you're hammered after one pint yeah i've still got that to come actually i've still got my first drink slash binge drink to come post pregnancy yeah you've

not had have you got anything booked in because as as a comedian the first night out of um a recent mum um is normally pretty hardcore that is when people really let loose because it's been over a year normally with the pregnancy and then the baby being small have you got that night out booked um i've got my good friend hen do down in london actually on the 22nd of may so that's the next that'll be the big event is that the first time you have left your daughter? Overnight, yeah. Yeah. How'd you feel?

A little bit nervous, but then I say that, but knowing me, like as soon as I get a drink in my hand and sunshine and I'll be like, woo! Yeah. Charlie Baker,

so comedian, singer, you do jazz actor radio host you've got it all yeah very average

and lukewarm at all of those but people like that they like that and it's just stay warm someone early on in my career

said never be hot just stay warm just stay warm yeah because being hot implies you will cool down and that could really you know yes that's a great good advice philosophy it's a really good advice i'd say you're i'd say you've got funny bones though charlie you're a funny person thanks which sometimes you don't have some people manage to get away without having that but you're a very funny man and you've got two children man. And you've got two children, is that correct?

I've got two children, yes, with a nine-year gap in the middle. Oh. How old are they now? My son is 14, which is like living. He can probably hear me, so I have to be – because I'm not really allowed to talk to him or about him. Right. So this is going out as well, Charlie.

So even if you do keep your voice down, there is an opportunity for him to hear it. Yeah. For the rest of all time. The internet's forever, isn't it? Yeah. And no,

it's like living at the moment with the staff of a French restaurant in Paris. Right. Have you ever been to paris everyone's so amazingly rude that you have to you have to admire it but you have to absolutely go that isn't some unbelievable rudeness there but you also get like the maitre d at the front who is amazingly charming um so some days he'll come down and it'll be like the maitre d' will be here. The most charming person you've met in your life is an absolute joy to have him in the house. Absolutely beautiful.

And then he'll ask for like 20 quid or something and it'll be fine. And then sometimes it's like having that rude waiter who doesn't speak to you, just looks at you like you're an absolute idiot, just does not want to speak to you ever again don't embarrass me in front of my friends you know all those things and then it's peak hating dad mode and then you get the the like executive chef full gordon ramsey you are a bastard i hate you just absolute absolute And then at the end of it, just a beautiful,

sometimes a great big cuddle or, you know, I'm sorry, dad. And we have a big cuddle and I love you. And, you know, then we sit and watch the football,

you know, and then it's all lovely again. Then have cheese on toast. I will have cheese on toast, you know, but that's what it's like living with a teenager. Can I just say that you're the highlight of your relationship with your son is you have cheese on toast sometimes. But everyone warns you about teenagers, right?

Everyone warns you and you think, I can cope with that. I know moody people. You know, I've been in the arts my whole life. I've seen, you know, moody people. It's unbelievable because you can't, first few times, you can't believe the rudeness and you can't believe the speed of it. It's like a sort of shark attack. I've never been attacked by a shark by a mat i imagine it's quite fast um yeah i can't help but feel that you'd be having cheese on toast for the shark after this exactly do you take it to heart i take it to heart if it's at my wife or our five-year-old daughter if it's at me if it's at me i can sort of just just take it and

go okay that's all right yeah that's all right but if it's if it's rude my one rule is don't be rude to mum you know do not be rude to mum and it's like if it's and then i will i will suddenly go you know and i'm a pretty i would say i'm a 50 50 parent 50 you know do you know that you haven't got full custody. Sorry to go to football. Have you ever seen that quote that sometimes may be good, sometimes may be shit?

You ever seen that? Who's that? I don't know. An Italian footballer. It's Gattuso. It's Gattuso. Yeah, yeah. He's a manager.

They go, and they ask him, what do you think of his defence? And he goes, I don't know, sometimes may be good, sometimes may be shit. And that is basically my parenting style i will sometimes go oh that was awful that was a really bad bit of parenting and then my wife would give me like a little tip like of how to deal with something and i'll do that tip and i'll go

i am brilliant at this i am absolutely brilliant at this. Have you got examples of when it's gone wrong and then when you've nailed it? Well, it's always, she's really good at just saying, pick your battles. That is the key with a teenager. Pick your battles and just don't try and be their friend. It's just letting a lot of stuff go. You just have to let a lot of stuff go take the frozen

amendment and just let it go because it's like you're not gonna win because the argument is is not lucid it's not they don't mean it it's pure emotion it's just pure and hormones as well oh yeah yeah exactly and he's growing he's nearly He's nearly taller than me now. What, 5'5"? Kids are bigger though, aren't they? They are bigger now, aren't they? I think we're getting smaller. I am getting smaller.

The weight of the world shrinks you. I am getting smaller, but they are massive now. These kids walk... Because we live on a high street and so the kids walk home from school

and they are all six foot plus. plus it is unbelievable they are massive now i think you know like a hard nut from school i think a hard nut year eight could beat me up yeah oh definitely yeah well actually definitely um sometimes like uh stan plays in a in a in a football team he's a keeper isn't he goalkeeper he's a goalkeeper yeah. He's a keeper, isn't he? Goalkeeper? He's a goalkeeper, yeah. But like one of the hard lads in his year plays in this team, right? And I like him, right? I like him. But sometimes...

You don't have to be scared of him. No, no, no. But this is the thing. I'm just trying to temper what I say. I like him, but not when he takes my cheese on tail. No, but the thing is, right? It is the thing.

You know he's like the hard lad in the year, right? And if he turns up in your house, he's a bit like, yeah, hello, yeah, all right, um. Sort of feel a bit like, oh God, oh no. Because he's just genuinely hard, you know. It's like when you go to the pub

and someone introduces you to their really hard mate and you're a bit scared, even though they're being nice. You just know. Yeah, yeah. You really hard mate and you're a bit scared, even though they're being nice, you just know. Yeah, yeah. You're like embarrassed that you put Marmite. He goes,

have you put Marmite on this cheese on toast? You take it with some sort of mud, Charlie. I can legally buy beer. If you want some. That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be back next week.

If you are not in the queue and you are waiting, then step to the side. He got in touch. He said, Yeah, sorry, mate, you didn't seem like yourself the other day. You've only met me three times. The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here.

People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. I glanced at a tampon. £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code 10 characters long? The bridge starts guiding you. I don't care if you're watching. Boost cut jeans. What's upset you now?

I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. We are the hosts of What's Upset You Now? The UK's angriest podcast. And we are back for series five. Booyah! We all love a good moan, don't we? And Sean and I, well, Sean mostly, are two of the best in the absolute business.

And every Tuesday and Thursday, we moan about all those little things that really get our goat. We also have guests. What guests have we had, Sean? We have had Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Mark Lamar, Joe Brand, Catherine Ryan, Tom Allen. 15-minute episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Brand new What's Up Set You Now Series 5

out now. Oh, for God's sake. Josh, you fancy going for a beer? Maybe like the 14th of April? Can't do the 14th of April, Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay. How about the 19th of April? Oh, no, I can't do that 14th of April, Rob. How come? We're doing the Parenting Hell Arena Tour at Manchester Arena. Oh, okay, yeah. How about the 19th of April?

Oh, no, I can't do that. I'll be doing the Parenting Hell Live Tour in Nottingham. What about the 20th of April? Cardiff Arena. Parenting Hell Live, Cardiff Arena. 21st? 21st of April? No, I can't do that either.

London, 02. 23rd of April? I can do the 22nd we've got a day off uh 23rd yes yes wembley what about the 28th of april i'm in birmingham do you know what rob parent in hell live tour yeah but we'll just have a drink afterwards yeah should we do that yeah that'd be nice we need to plug the live tour by the way oh yeah yeah there's a live tour of parenting hell and i cannot wait it's going to be an absolute thrill to do. And do you know what it would make?

The perfect Christmas present. Two of those tickets. Oh, great Christmas present. Or Father's Day present. Or Mother's Day present. Exactly. See you there. Hello, Tom Allen here.

And Susie Ruffell. We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze, being queer? Being queer, but also chit-chat. There's loads of straight people that love it, so I think that you should come along and listen to it. There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise for gays, but also we had a lovely section about Glade plugins. So why don't you listen to it? Search Light-Minded Friends wherever you get your podcasts. That sounded quite professional, didn't it? Mmm. Hoop from the Box is the TV podcast that goes behind the scenes of the nation's favourite shows,

including Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and EastEnders. You know, it was literally, we couldn't sort of go anywhere without being recognised. I'm Lee Salisbury and I directed the shows and the stars in them. On this podcast, I delve where no one else has been. Well, I mean, you can listen to over 70 episodes right now with stars including Sue Johnston, Glynis Barber, Denise Welsh, Sid Owens, Sally Dynevor and Danny Minogue. No more, no more. In this week's episode, I chat to the star of one of the biggest Christmas films of all time.

Hi, I'm Martine McCutcheon. Yes, love actually. And EastEnders actress Martine McCutcheon. Yes, love actually. And EastEnders actress Martine McCutcheon goes behind the scenes with me, especially for you. It's such a beautiful thing, like, to be part of your legacy, to leave behind. Soap From The Box, the TV podcast you don't want to miss.