Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 8

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

You're simply the best (of)..... While we're on a very short break to sort a bit of summer and school holiday life admin, here's a hand crafted selection of some of the finest tales and advice from the Parenting Hell podcast archives. Each one a guaranteed banger... (We'll be back for series 7 next week. Yes, this Tuesday, so fear not...) See you salty street dogs next week... Thanks, Rob, Josh, and Michael. xxx TRACK LIST: 1 - MICHAEL McINTYRE (SERIES 3 EP28)  Kicking things off, it’s Michael McIntyre’ take on kids and electronic device management…  2 - HARRIET KEMSLEY (SERIES 4 EP10)  Harriet Kemsley shares her husband’s unconventional approach to managing midwives… 3 - GUZ KHAN (SERIES 5 EP16) Guz Khan on why it’s important to get kids to compete to be the favourite, and lovingly equates parenthood to prison… 4 - SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR (SERIES 3 EP36) Sophie Ellis-Bextor talking about all the fun of the school run… 5 - JOSH PUGH (SERIES 4 EP44) Josh Pugh talks holidays and hen dos with a newborn… 6 - ESTHER MANITO (SERIES 4 EP34) New mum Esther Manito discusses secretly starting stand-up… 7 - MARTINE MCCUTCHEON (SERIES 3 EP46) Martine McCutcheon discusses with Rob and Josh how dogs prepare you for parenthood…  8 - HARRY HILL (SERIES 3 EP34)  And finally, Harry Hill reveals how he handled having teenage daughters… If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or, hopefully, how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be

honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello i'm rob beckett and i'm josh widdicombe and you're listening to now that's what i call parenting hell how does it feel though as well because in your, you write about when you first had your kids, you weren't as successful as you are now, and things hadn't really properly kicked off and stuff. So how is it now? Do they remember that period when there wasn't the success and money and stuff compared to, like, now?

And do you remind them? How does it work? Are they always just used to the lifestyle they have now? Well, they're very grounded. And it's hard for me to say that they've got a normal lifestyle as you look at me sitting in my son's office. On his desktop computer, Apple Mac. Yeah, I don't know.

They're very grounded. I'm just very lucky, I think, because they're good boys. I'm not just saying that. They are. I think that's the aim, and I'm it's happened and I've all credit to my wife who's just a really lovely person an amazing mum but they've just become kids and now they're just like they are like mates I mean they just they're nice I mean occasionally we'll have a flaming row home which I'm not very good at no what kind of things kick those off what's what's

the the big like like, bugbear? A lot of it has to do with, you know, devices. There's a lot of the... But it's hard to discipline your child when you're also doing the thing you're telling them not to do. Yeah. Yeah, of course. We've got this thing where we shout. When someone's on their phone, we'll shout,

phony! And then it sort of, like, startles them. Or if everyone's on their phone at the table and one person notices, they go, full house! I mean, you're trying to enter a game. That's a good game, that. That's a great game. The only time I don't look at my phone is on a Monday when I get my weekly screen time report.

That's the only time I can't bear to look. Kids are like, oh my God, I'm up 17%. I mean, my son, my teenager, he goes to sleep looking at his phone. And in a way, I thought, I think it's bad. But then, you know, I always used to go to sleep, things the radio when I was younger or watching TV. I mean, it's just what young people do.

I don't know if you do this, but I wear my phone so much that sometimes at night I'm scrolling through my phone in bed and then I'll fall asleep and I'll drop the phone on my face, which then wakes me up and I just carry on. And the same thing happens to my son. We know he's asleep when we hear a clunk on the ceiling because he drops his phone out of the bed and I'll turn to my wife and go, oh, that's Lucas. He must've nodded off. Bang onto the thing no so we argue a lot about that get off the phone get off the computer it's always on you know i mean we lie to ourselves don't we as parents i don't know if yours do any of this stuff now with the gaming you convince yourself that it's um

you know that it's social because they're talking to each other whilst they're shooting people is it fortnight and stuff like that yeah fortnight i think luckily he's gone off fortnight for a bit he was completely addicted to fortnight and that was quite intense and apparently you can't pause it so i would say to them you've got to pause the game at dinner pause it i can't pause it i can't it won't pause yeah you can't pause it and then he explained the only way to come out of the game is to kill yourself. And then there was a period of time when every dinner time, my wife and I would shout up the stairs and go,

Ozzy, kill yourself, it's dinner. What kind of a life is this? Shoot yourself. I've been in your family home and it's a proper family home as well that's kind of you know when you imagine like a big comedian who plays the o2 you imagine like it could be a soulless kind of existence but it's a proper lovely family home and you try and keep them grounded like that and did you try and create that because it seems just so nice and so your life seems very pleasant michael no it does and

i'm sorry to tell you we've now moved into a vast soulless house let me just call my wife on the intercom and see when lunch is ready yes it's the same for everybody isn't it i mean we're living our family lives this is why we can do what we do because we are thankfully all living the same lives and, isn't it? I mean, we're living our family lives. This is why we can do what we do, because we are thankfully all living the same lives. And when I go and talk about my life and you talk about your lives, the audience relate to it. And I've been asked that question a lot ever since you become successful.

It's like, can you think of anything funny to say that people can relate to? I mean, obviously there are certain things that I experience that I don't, you know, I don't have a lot of private jet material, for example. I mean, I do, but I can't share it. It's quite a niche crowd, that one. But no, those days are over. How's it all going, though? The baby, like, you and Bobby enjoying it?

Or is it still that mad no sleep stage? You know what, I actually am enjoying it. I think I heard so many bad things about it beforehand. And I think I take everything quite literally. So I was like, this is it's just going to be horrific and you just have to get through it. And actually, it's been a bit of a pleasant surprise, which is quite nice, I think. But I'm definitely very tired. So just to confirm, you're not in the doubt about that? No, I'm very tired. What's mad is it just, you think, being pregnant, I was really tired.

And then you have the baby and there's no break in between. And you really think there should be a break. But there's not. You just go straight into it. I've just given birth. Give me a minute. Take the baby away for a week. Please, would you just take the baby for a second

so I can have a little recoup? Brush my hair or something. Let me, please. But you're straight in. I don't want to clean myself up and have a sit down. Exactly. Exactly. Wow. How was the birth? um but you're straight in and clean yourself up and have a sit down exactly exactly wow how was the birth oh god it was fine what happened was i did all these like hypnotherapy things and read all these books and everyone was like whatever you do just do it naturally and it'll

be fine i watched a video of a woman having a lovely birth and i was like oh that's what i'll try and do and then i they were like oh you have to get induced because the there was a slight problem with the umbilical cord but like everyone had told me and all these things that don't get induced it will hurt more it's like birth for the baby all this stuff but of course as soon as there's a problem you're like obviously i'm gonna get induced also induced is sort of sounds like a medical word but it's sort of just it doesn't a midwife just sort of poke about a bit yeah it's a bit more than that rob um what do they do because i don't know yeah that's fair enough um i've never been induced

and i don't feel right googling it we should give it a go sometime i've actually been inducing some women just to find out what it is to be more informed for the pod yeah it's good good good feminist move um it's uh no that was actually the worst bit so they yeah they put this thing and it was actually it was quite lovely to begin with um because it was like it was near christmas we were um at st thomas's so you're like me and bobby went for a walk along the south bank it was lovely and then um i went to sleep the midwives were so nice and it was all good and then the next i started to wake up in the night with contract they were like it's going to take three to five days you're going to be here i packed for literally a week and um i was like

i'm moving in and um they were like it's going to take ages but then i started to get contractions quite quickly and the midwife in the well like contractions quite quickly. And the midwife in the, well, like within like 12 hours. And then the midwife in the morning was like, oh, you're contracting like twice in 10 minutes. Like it looks like it's on its way. And then that midwife disappeared. And I think they were quite. What, a puff of smoke?

Yeah, she just, I don't, maybe I was hallucinating. I don't know. You never saw her again? Never saw her again. So she disappeared. And then I think they were kind of staffed and it was all quite stressful. So I was like, don't know you never saw her again never saw her again so she she disappeared and then i think they're kind of staff and it was all quite stressful so i was like don't worry i've got this and um i was timing myself and then i called bobby at like 10 30 and i was like because he had to go home and i was like come back it's on i'm in the time frame it's all good but then there was a new

midwife and she turned up and then she wasn't really paying attention i was like i'm really i'm very much in labor now and she was like cool see you later and then she came back she said i really i was i really could do with some kind of pain relief or something she was like i'll go get a paracetamol and then she disappeared for a while get your lucas adrian paracetamol someone get her a greg's pasty will you she's struggling I'm not at five pints and I don't start. Exactly. Get your Lucas Aiden and Paris hat them on. Someone get her a Greg's pasty, will you? She's struggling. Please. Please.

So, yeah, then they were kind of like, oh, yeah, maybe something is. But I still had the pessary thing. And that's the thing with the induction. And that was actually the most painful thing. I don't know what happened, babe. Really hurt my vagina. They say that about labour. They do. Yeah, they do they do and they had to try

and get that out first but i was like i was like it was all really stressful it went mad in there for a bit and then bobby fired the midwives he fired them yeah so it actually was the right choice because it was all getting really intense and they were kind of yelling at me a little bit and um it was really mad and then he was like look you guys just need to step outside for a minute um because i like couldn't speak and so they left but then the problem then we were like yeah this is great we're in control but then the problem was we didn't have a midwife um sorry harry you were trying to get bobby mayor your your husband to deliver your book and no offense to bobby i don't think i'd let him deliver a letter no no that's very fair yeah that is fair but to be fair they were all shouting at me and

it was really intense they were just like breathe breathe and i was like i'm trying to breathe and um he was like he could just tell that i was really upset because they were trying to get this thing out and it really hurt and he was like she just needs a minute oh yeah that's fair enough and i kept saying can we have the other midwife back and they were like no get this thing out and it really hurt. And he was like, she just needs a minute. Oh, yeah, that's fair enough. And I kept saying, can we have the other midwife back? And they were like, no, she's gone. So, yeah, then we didn't have a midwife for a while. So it was a little bit stressful. And then the head midwife was like, you should have a midwife.

And we were like, that's fair. That's a fair comment, head midwife. You would say that, wouldn't you? You and your cronies. It's a racket. They're running a racket here that only the midwife deliver the babies around here what's going on this other midwife was on her lunch and um when she finished her lunch she came and she realized quite quickly that um i was very much giving birth and so then um i gave birth and um bobby kept trying to go down to that end and i was like stay up here apparently at one point i like grabbed him by the shirt and was like stay at this end um and then um but then

the baby started to come out and um i was like what does it look like and then he was like oh uh what had happened is it came out and because i didn't have time for my waters to break and so um she came out in the sack um and so but we didn't know that it was in a sack and so he was like oh uh she look let's just wait and see what happens yeah exactly i was like what he's like i don't know we'll just wait a minute she's all out let me have a look at the full thing before i give you an appraisal yeah just give me a minute. The individual that changed my life was my daughter, Sophia Khan,

and she was born 11 years ago, and then Nobhead arrived quite quick after. That was... He's nine. Then the other Nobhead came, he's seven, and then there's a new one, he's only two, and he was on the cusp of being like his sister, but unfortunately he's ended up like his dad and his brothers, so that's the third knobhead, who's two.

So three boys, nine and below, and one incredible young woman who's 11. Do you have a favourite? Do you know what? Here's the thing, okay? I know I've presented that as like, Sophia is the beacon of everything. But you know, on a day-to-day basis,

like somebody, it's like a horse race. Someone becomes a favorite every day by doing something silly or something funny or swearing at a neighbor. And you know what I mean? That's the interchange. But I'm very honest with them.

I always sit them down regularly and say, look, man, some days your dad loves you more than others. And today it's you. And I think it's very important for character building that they know that. There's four kids there. Do they interact well? Are they, I don't even know where I'd start with like just the day. Like what taught me through getting up?

So you're up in the morning you're up quite early so sofia is now she's it's the best part apparently she's self-sufficient isn't it yeah what she's doing bro she goes be brushing her own teeth it doesn't fall in the toilet there's none of that drama about finding a spare toothbrush like we get with the younger lot so she's very self-sufficient brett first sorts herself out yeah it's good vibes she's got music on she's doing her thing she's basically just like a flat share she's just like a lodger she's like a very mature lodger yeah she needs to get reminded to like change her socks and actually a bit of a tramp when it comes to that but apart from that she's sam so the other three two of them share a bedroom um and then you know they're up because like things start like loud bangs on the floor yeah so that's yay and wiggy yay and wiggy are on a mad

one the the littlest one he's still between me and his mom in the bed right so he refuses to leave but to be honest with you me and my missus talk about this today we're now used to that setup pretty much since sofia so we've always had one little weirdo stuck between us like 11 years yeah yeah 11 years on the bounce bro even when you try even when you try and shift a kid out in between those periods there's always one little pervert that opens the door in the night. Like, oh, dad, what's going on, dad? I can't sleep, man.

So you can't be getting up to nine anyway. So, you know what I mean? Well, you've had a good go at it. You've got four. You must have found some time. Yeah, fuck, you've just got to get it in, haven't you? You're not going to be able to see it all or whatever. So, like, when the kids, when you look at all four of them, the the run of it what it's like on a daily basis

our lives do revolve around them but i want to say in in a positive way here like it's really fun for us like it's a mission it's a mission every day but me and her sometimes get a bit quiet time it's like she look at me she'll be like you're're fucking weird. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. Thank you. Let's get back to the kids. So they're good for us. They're a great balance for us. What do you think it's going to be like when you,

like, can you remember what it was like when you were a couple, just the two of you? How long ago does that feel? Long time. Different life, Joshy. Different life. I was up to all kinds of different things. I think for her, she was kind of like,

he's my mate. It was never a lovey-dovey between me and her, different life i was up to all kinds of different things i think for her she was kind of like uh he's my mate it was never a lovey-dovey between me and her in it so we were always mates which was really important so she was like uh my mate might go to prison for a while so she was used to that and instead she ended up in prison with her mate and just banged out four kids so you know we're kind we're kind of in a version of prison because yeah we i go to work she goes out and sees family and mates and stuff for a bit but then both of us are like quite intensely back with the kids um but what life was like before that i don't know to be honest with you i suppose why it's not that much of a change is my family set up since i was since i was a kid is our houses have always been busy, haven't they? Yeah.

When I go back to Cov now and I crack the front door, in my house will be like three nieces and nephews of mine who are very close to me, like super close. My sister will be floating about, you know,

one of her mates will be floating about the house. So for us, kind of like, we're always used to like go, go, go. And I'm really bad at being like, oh, twiddling my thumbs on my own, like what go, go. And I'm really bad at being like,

Oh, twiddling my thumbs on my own. Like, Oh, what should I do here? I always need like somebody about it to have a laughing or feel happy. So I suppose in that sense, she's from a big family.

I'm from a really big family. It's just like, it's all I've ever known. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Is there a family in Coventry as well? The family's in Cobb as well. Yeah.

Cause that's the thing. Like what used to be a teacher, didn't you? And then you sort of broke through but your rise to sort of success and being you know so busy with comedy and acting was quite quick so you've gone from that setup with you probably had a two-year-old daughter you're a teacher you're doing a few videos online and all and you know your day's probably quite regimented you know where you are when you're on summer holidays and then all of a sudden now you're flying around the world filming stuff. Your life's changed quite a lot.

Do you feel that's impacted on you as a dad and the kids? Because you're physically not there enough. Luckily, she's got support around her, your partner. But how's it for you not being there as regularly as you were in such a short amount of time? So it's kind of mad, bro. When I really think about it, we just had our third when i first ever tried like a funny video or whatever so we were already quite into the pairing and i remember like thinking when i when i was teaching like i loved the the fundamentals of being a teacher

interacting with the kids and you know they weren't really used to having a teacher who's from their background like in coffee it's quite a fairy so all of that stuff was going on but i was thinking shit man if i keep teaching this is gonna kill me because it's so intense it's like you finish work but and you know i 3 30 whatever now you're marking books till 2 a.m it was killing me but i always tried to like maintain this family balance and so when this stuff kicked off and things started coming in i was just i think i was quite aware that i wanted to grab them when i could and take them with me so if it was like oh you're filming uh in europe for three months on a bounce i'd just generally speak to the school

and be like look you know what my organization is like it's shit you've seen me going through the school gates in the morning i've got this new job i've got this new life do you reckon you can let the kids come with me for a bit and they'll be like they were really good schools were good they were like you know what we will but if it goes beyond this we'll have to fine you so i always took a bit of a fine in terms of weeks i know and then it became a thing because it's not you know what i mean it's like i'm not child trafficking am i they They just want their dad. It's like building in an extra tax. Yeah, exactly, bro.

Exactly. I think you've got the most children that we've got Paris Fury on soon, which I think may beat your record, but you will hold the record. Five children, is that correct, Sophie? That's correct. The last head count, five, yeah. Five. All boys, right? Yes, yes. five children, is that correct Sophie? That's correct, the last head count, five Five! All boys right? Yes, yes What ages have you got?

My eldest is 17 and my youngest is two That's a lot of kids So is there a big gap between the youngest and the others or is it all just spread out quite evenly? There's five years between the first two and then three years for the next four oh wow i got into a bit more of a rhythm like a conservative election year just sort of five years in three

three three how is that now like because it must be you're doing two things here for 17 year old and a two-year-old you've got completely two different things i mean my youngest started nursery the same week my eldest had his first driving lesson so you do get those parallels quite often but i did he drop him off be quite handy would be handy actually but i think i quite like all that i quite like the juxtaposition of all the age gap for me it makes things i mean sometimes it's easier i guess if they're closer together but sometimes there's a nice balance that comes with having lots of different stuff going on all the time

then yeah do you do like 50 50 of the parenting or is it one more than other how's it how do you divvy out because it must be more stressful with more kids or is once you've got five you're all bunched in together is it uh well i don't know i mean no it's quite exponential i think when i had went from one to two it really dawned on me that, oh, it's not like, oh, you've got one, you just add another one. It's like, oh, no, it's double the work. Yeah. And there's more to delegate.

And I think I'm a bit of a control freak with the admin side. So I do, like, kid admin. So, and obviously, now that there's a lot of them, that's a lot of stuff to get through. That's mental load, I think that's known as in the in the game in it we've been told that mental load stuff yeah knowing where they've got to be what they've got to do at all times that kind of stuff but you're not maybe and then he may do more of the physical moving them there and taking them their stuff okay i mean like richard it wouldn't be that unusual for him to get their ages wrong

or the eighth year that they're in at school okay i'm kind of up to speed on that stuff yeah what car have you got sorry i'm getting into uh details now that's a question five kids what car what's the car sitch so well um so we have um we've got a chrysler like an old beat up uh old car chrysler that's a seven seater that we use when we do a family trip and does that get car seats in as well but now you're probably not a car seat stage as well it fits it all car yeah that's all fine and then is it the voyager yes exactly chrysler voyager yes yeah such a geezer rob moonlights is a traffic police officer and he's just double checking that you're not breaking any uh no but my dad was obsessed with cars

and he always wanted a big one to get us all in because I've got four brothers. So, across the Voyager, there was a lot of chat about that in the Ford Galaxy as options for seven-seaters. But yeah, it's a big, it's quite a nice van, but it's basically a van with seats in it.

That's exactly what it is. And then we go from that, practical, and then down to sort of impractical, which is actually being fixed at the moment moment we have a tuk-tuk well a motor one or a bicycle one it's a motor yeah so it's electric but yeah it's basically got like it's like a trike so you've got like a motorbike type bit of the computer and then you can fit three in the back so that's good for the primary school and the nursery drop-off what's it does that go what's it look like i'm trying to get so is it what's the name of it it's the um mumbai tuk-tuk so it's yellow and black

yellow and black so you get three in the back wow is that quick do you know what it's called so i can see it uh if you Google Mumbai Tuk Tuk. It's the one that you've imported over. Yeah. Yeah, so there's, well, basically Richard and I went to Delhi, or Kali, it must be about four years ago now, for a Save the Children trip, actually. And we travelled around a lot in these Tuk Tuks,

and as a sort of joke, he said, oh, these would be quite good for the school run and then when i got back to the hotel i realized that there was tuk-tuk.co.uk this guy amazing wow he's in chester and he imports them so yeah we i was hoping you were going to say that you'd driven one back from india that would have been the uh the ultimate story my postman asked me if it was the one from the Groovejet video, which I thought was really funny. Like, I'd sort of, 20 years later, tried to find a tuk-tuk from a video I once did. Wow. And then because it's classed as a trike,

you can actually park in any residence bay without any ticket. Oh, my God. I love it. She's got round it. This is amazing. It's like when Noel Edmonds used to drive a taxi, a black cab through Bristol, but have a mannequin in her back to look like a passenger.

So he could go in the bus lanes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could go in the bus lanes. Please tell me it's not like that. Yeah, okay, bye. You've been on holiday with him, haven't you? Yeah, we have. Yeah, we went to Tenerife a couple of weeks ago.

That was good. He's at an age where you can just park him in the sun. Not in the sun. That's at an age where you can just park him in the sun. Not in the sun. That's the opposite of what he does. No wonder he's not sleeping. Poor Phil, red bastard. Burnt arms. Just stick him in the shade and you can...

I mean, I got through three books, which that tells you how much pain I was doing. Honestly, me and Lou did that. We went to Copenhagen with a six-month-old and it was brilliant because they're just in the buggy. They can't walk. They don't want to walk. You just push them around and then you sit in the sun, sit on the beach, sit by the pool and they're happy in the buggy being fed and sleeping.

Yeah, it's great. So it's a good time to go. I'd say six months. And you kind of, when you've got a young, but you kind of let people let you in front of them in the queues. It's quite, and I'm all up for exploiting that as much as possible. Do you know what I mean? It's a good age to go away with them. Yeah, and I think what I would say is though, Josh,

you probably won't be able to enjoy a holiday until they're four now. Yeah. So you've had that, but just remember that next time you try and go away, that four years of age is probably the next point that you'll be able to enjoy it. But I don't want to bring you down anymore.

No. Did anything, surely something bad happened on the holiday, didn't it't it come on tell me this because i was i was i was enjoying you know your bad sleep but now after quite an intense holiday i'm feeling like i don't need this thrown in my face no it's all it's all good you know what gets me and this is i hate carrying stuff i hate i hate holding things. And when you've got a baby, you've constantly got your hands full. And I struggle with that a little bit, which is such a...

Are you normally just a phone and wallet and keys guy out the door? Yeah, totally. That's it. I never used to have a school bag. I didn't take a bag to school. You didn't take a bag to school? I used to put my books in other people's bags. That's why you're so quick at reading. Fuck carrying them, eh? Yeah.

I was just, yeah, taking real liberties, actually. But just kind of, I don't want to carry stuff. So wait, you didn't have a school bag. You just deposit your books in other people's bags. Who, what, were going to be in that? Yeah, I used to have a pen in my pocket. Yeah. I'd have the odd booklet I'd just roll up and put in my pocket. But then most of them would just be in other people's bags and just give them in when

we get in there what was the issue with school bags i just didn't want to carry anything josh you didn't want to but josh loved a fucking bag didn't you little protractor in there not even got matched that day yeah i yeah i had a bag with a file of vaccine. Fuck it, why not? Let's enjoy ourselves. We're going to pull along ones on the apprentice. Little wheelie laptop case. But there was nothing bad happened on the holiday at all, Josh. It was all fine. The flight, okay. Four-hour flight is hard work, Tenerife.

Yeah, I underestimated the flight. It was okay. We were delayed on the way back, but he just... He didn't poo. Actually, this just he didn't he didn't poo actually this was probably he didn't poo for a week

leading up to it oh no it was a flight yeah I don't think he was nervous about the flight I think it was a coincidental thing

yeah and then we got on the outbound flight and he just he just loosened right up oh really

yeah and he was a massive awful one yeah he was cutting loose I think that's a good thing though because i found when i was taking my um son to um greece that taking them to change them gave me something to do with him on the flight do you know what i mean because you're desperate for activities yeah that is a low moment in life isn isn't it, when you consider it.

I mean, I'm a man that's got kids. A childless person listening to this must think you're fucking insane. Isn't it good when the little gremlin you're holding shits itself because clearing its shit out of its arse on a plane gives me something to do? And that's under the banner of activities. Wouldn't want to be able to stag do your leading, Josh. Okay, so we go to the local old people's home and wipe some arses for an hour. And then off we go for a drink.

It doesn't need to be the old people's home, Rob. That's made the whole thing too graphic. Well, I suppose it's better than going to random children's and wiping their arses. Yeah, I suppose it is. I suppose. Also, the changing table in the plane is so small. It's incredibly difficult as well.

It's an untenable situation, but I enjoyed the challenge. It's five minutes when they're shouting at you, and you can't see people pissed off because you're on your own. Yeah, you're kind of like a mr and mrs kind of like soundproof exactly i get a bit worried though that that there's going to be turbulence at the point where i'm not holding the baby and the baby fucking launches in the air and you have to try and catch it like a falling from a building how's the relationship not i mean not to go too deep but has it affected your relationship with

your wife like because you're both very tired how are you dealing with it we're good i think what what what the struggle is is kind of he'll really be into her for a bit and then she really then he'll really be into me for a bit and it's not the other one dealing with with that a little bit do you know what i mean like it I mean I'm actually quite relieved when he only once loosened the oh yeah it's only you who can settle him today so I can't really get involved yeah oh yeah there's nothing

nothing better than that and they'll get to the age, I know this is bad, where they'll wake up in the night and they'll call for one of you. When it's not you, you have to just go, that's not, I'm sorry about this, but it's really, it's not my priority.

If I go in, if anything, it'll make things worse. Yeah. And is she due to go back to work, Josh, or is she off now, or is she on maternity? So she works in a school, she's a teacher assistant, she's going back in December. Right. You can't imagine going back to work as he is now,

but obviously he'll be another six months older. Yeah. You can't really imagine what it'd be. And that'd be a different challenge. So I had to go to Hendoo the other week. You were? Sorry? Because he's breastfed, right? He won't drink out of a bottle yet.

Yeah. So she went on this Hendoo. I had to go kind of adjacent to the hendu you know what you know somebody swims a channel and have that support boat yeah i was kind of one cafe behind where this hendu would go in and she kept having to nip back so did she nip to you or did you go to the hen so i went in once during the brunch and I thought, this is too much. Excuse me, getting out of the way of inflatable cocks.

Can we have a bit of milk for this one, please? What was in the boff out of the way, lads? I'm trying to get through it. Was you tempted to put a little cock straw on her nipple? So that was his first hang. Is that too laddy? Was that too much? I didn't know what the line is.

I think that's fine. Yeah, that was his first time. Is that too laddy? Was that too much? I didn't know what the line is. I think that's fine. So how do you split the childcare then? Because you're a full-time comic as well.

What were you doing before comedy? Was you working? I was a teacher. A teacher? Yeah, I was terrible at that. And then I had kids and I was terrible at that. And now I do comedy and just slag them all off. And that's my therapy. So how's that, guys? kids and I was terrible at that and now I do comedy and just slag them all off. So you went,

cause you said to us that you've been doing standup for five years. So you started doing standup with a one year old and a three year old. I had a five month old and a two year old. If nothing screams, cry for help more. And I kept it a secret from my family. Did you? Really?

So what do they think you're doing? I know, my husband was like, are you having an affair? And I was like, I've been doing stand-up comedy. And he was like, are you sure you don't want to just go and have an affair instead? No. So how did you do that? Talk us through that transition into those five minutes of open spots is basically an affair isn't it i mean you do feel really dirty and humiliated yeah

and you wake up with the you do the walk of shame on the way home now that i'm getting to know comedians that have children, I absolutely relish every time they're like, how did you do it, Esther? Like, how did you do it? So was you teaching full time as well? No, I was, I was on maternity leave. I went back to teaching. So I was teaching, had two babies and I was doing it, but you know what it's like, you're doing the open mics. So you can't just turn up and do your spot and leave.

You've got to stay the whole time. You've got to bring a friend. Oh, my God. So I was getting home at like one in the morning. And then I was up, you know, still breastfeeding. God knows what. Jesus. Those first secret gigs.

How are you doing that? Like, what was your cover story? I used to say that was me and my friend in town for coffee. At night? At night. I used to say that was me and my friend in town for coffee. At night? At night.

I eventually told my husband, but we kept it a secret from the rest of the family because it would not be approved. My mother-in-law was like, mothers don't do this. No husband would put up with this. Stop it. So how long was it a secret from your husband? No, I kept it a secret from my husband for about three weeks yeah you can't keep that up for longer no i was embarrassed i just said i was a little i

just said it was a course i was doing i said i'm doing a writing course just to engage me mentally and he was like okay yeah and then he was like sorry what are you doing and then i was like oh i'm just doing this course but basically you're hanging around in pubs waiting to do stand-up. Oh, like a freak. And then the first time I went on stage, I came off and threw up. And I just didn't stop throwing up. I threw up all the way home. And he was like, I don't understand what's going on with you.

No, stop it. When I say it out loud, I'm like, oh, my God. So when you got home, you was being sick as well? I literally threw up about three times on the way home, just the adrenaline, because I'd never done it before. How had it gone? Had it gone well? Yeah, thank God.

Imagine what you'd have done if you went bad. Just shat myself all the way home. But it happened to me once. I did a TV warm-up that was so stressful. They took me out of the car home, but I was so worked up and stressed and adrenaline I felt really sick so and I was a big traffic jam so I said and I it was like 20 minute walk to my house went to the cab driver and I'll just get out and walk you know all right so I've

got out and walked I really need to be sick and then I walked up to this skip and so I've been sick in the skip but because where the traffic was moving slowly the cab driver pulled up alongside me you're right it's not good for your body is it open mics esther and you've just had a baby only five months earlier and you've been sick in a pub toilet literally yeah i know i'm just there vomiting vagina between my knees just like what am i doing what am i doing honestly i don't know yeah i don't know what possessed me. But I'm glad I did it. When did you leave your job, full-time job?

Just before the pandemic. So that was really well-timed. I also had a lot of guilt about being a mum. Yeah. There was a huge amount of guilt because people were just like, what are you doing? So I was determined that it wasn't going to impact them. Yeah.

So I would literally just have to be awake 24 hours. I was talking to um another comic about this and they were going but when did when did you write and I said what I'd do is I'd drop my little girl off at nursery and then I'd just walk my son in the push chair so that when he had his nap that's and I wouldn't write I would record so I'd just be walking around because if, if the buggy was being pushed, then he would sleep. And then I'd just record ideas for standup and then re-record it and re-record it. And that's how I wrote.

Cause I couldn't sit down and write cause obviously I had a baby. So I just used to, during his nap time, just walk him. Blimey. But in five years to go from zero gigs to being on Live at the Apollo, which you've done and you smashed it. That is an impossible timeframe without the fact that you had a newborn baby and a toddler it's incredible did you take the kids with you i had to take them

to edinburgh honestly there were people that didn't know i had children i remember i was doing my first edinburgh and i was walking around with a double buggy in edinburgh with a double buggy and i'm just like walking up the real mall and c and Cindy V just walked out of a cafe and just went whose babies are those and I was like they're mine and she was like what do you mean like what do you mean you've got babies what are you doing did you find having dogs before a kid helped having a because they are like a little baby they're not as difficult as a baby, long-term obviously, but there is the same kind of commitment. Did you find it helped or not?

Yeah, I find the jobs harder to work than I do refereeing. Oh, fuck. Yes. Do you know what, Martin? That is the best thing anyone's ever said because Rob has just got a dog. Yeah, it's true. And he said the words there.

I know it gets easier because I can hear him trying to convince himself. Shut up, John. We all heard him doing it and you've just totally over... It's actually more difficult than a child, mate. They never really grow up beyond a certain point. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, so... It's a constant two-year-old. Fuck. Fuck. Anyway, okay, let's not talk about dogs anymore. So, what... Does Rafferty play any sports? How's the birth?

Does Rafferty play any sports? What a the birth? Does Rafferty play any sports? What a question. I just can't talk about dogs anymore, Josh. Does Rafferty play any sports? I'm enjoying the dog though, to be fair. I'm enjoying the dog. Birth was amazing. The birth was amazing.

Was it? Was it good? Yeah. I had the eagles playing, not live. Oh, right. Okay, wow. That is a real expensive labour. Having the eagles playing not live okay wow that is a real expensive labor having the eagles playing live in concert i had a c-section and take it easy i had a playlist yeah on in the background

and um it was just i just felt like with the the drugs and everything that they gave me because i had low blood pressure at one point oh no like no. Like, I was in this sort of white room, very sort of ab-fabby, and then a baby delivered to me going, tickety! Oh, that is perfect! This sounds amazing! And I was like, oh, this is fabulous, yeah.

So it was a great birth, great birth. I was very lucky. That's good. And how do you feel if you hear that song now does that take you back to being drugged up in a white room with the baby all the time it's your happy place it was really um a special moment i really felt like even afterwards when the drugs had gone off the epidural like, there's something when people say, you know, you go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's something about when you hold that baby and you look at them for the first time and just something otherworldly happens. And thank God that you have that moment to cling on to at times, because then when they're star-shaped in your bed and you're sleep deprived and you feel like a crazy woman, you have to hang on to that moment. I don't know if it's all men, but I felt nothing apart from, fucking hell, what am I going to do with this? Yeah, no, I know what you mean, Rob.

I felt a lot of pressure to feel something that I wasn't feeling. Do you know what I mean? I felt like someone had given me a live octopus on the beach. I'm like, what the fuck? I felt like I'd just launch it back in the sea, which, you know, you can't throw a baby back in. You can't do that. You can't throw a baby back in.

So I didn't know what to do. I didn't have that magic moment, Martine. Maybe I needed more drugs. I love them now, obviously, but I didn't have that amazing... Over the next few days, I did. No, I think a lot of people don't have that moment. I think it takes a while, like that kind of...

I suppose because the first one we had was like an emergency C-section. You didn't really have that. No. Because it was so stressful. You didn't have have that. No. Because it was so stressful. You didn't have that moment of like, oh, this is amazing. You were like, oh, thank God. It's all right.

They're not both dead, basically. If I'm honest, that's what I had. And that's not a great feeling, is it? That's what I want to feel all the time as a base level. Thank God they're not dead. Not to put too fine a point on it. Thank God they're not both dead. Yeah, did you find you you found it quite easy did you take to it well or did you find it difficult at the first stages of being a mum or was it was it all right i think

that you've probably heard this so much and you've probably said it so much but it's just the lack of sleep all of a sudden like i'm somebody that needs my sleep. Yeah. And I just, I'm not a very nice, I'm not a very nice person and I'm just not. You're looking at Jack out the corner of your eye now. Is that true? Could you ask him what you're like when you've had lack of sleep and see what he... I've had lack of sleep.

You're delightful. You're delightful. Oh, gutless. I delightful you're delightful oh gutless i own it i'm gutless fair enough so how bad was the sleep martine well it was just you know it was just getting up every couple of hours and you know your boobs hurting and you feel deranged and you don't know what time of the day it is and there's this baby that needs you and you're trying to be good and make sure they're safe and panicking and you're in this fight or flight mode the whole time and it's hard because there's only there's not really

much else if if you're breastfeed there's not really much else that anyone else can do you feel a bit alone and a bit on your own with it but I was quite lucky because I've just I'm making myself out to be a real hero here but I just remembered that after the c-section and the light moment the epiphany moment yeah Rafferty as often a lot of children c-sections do had fluid on the lung and he was rushed off I didn't have him and they had to give him formula so he was breastfed and formula from the word go so occasionally when I couldn't do it I would nudge Jack and he would get those tiny little bottles and he would give him one of those and I remember I've got a photo I've got a photo of him he's laying in bed he's doing his doing

his emails what he's doing and the baby's there with its own bottle and I was just like changes your life how and he's just like that getting on with everything and I was just like how do you find this so easy well yeah I suppose you see it is you know I found it obviously we did a lot of bottle feeding with lou struggled with breastfeeding at the start and stuff but i do think if you're a dad and the mum's doing all the breastfeeding there's no formula at all you you do have a bit of an easier run at it don't you because there's literally you can't get up to help in the night with the bottle feeding stuff so it's quite good that there's a little bit of a sort of i don't

know sort of judgment if a kid's on formula or whatever so the fact it was quite good that there's a little bit of a sort of i don't know sort of judgment if a kid's on formula or whatever so the fact it was quite nice i suppose if the hospital had already done it anyway you can still be a bit judgment free can't you i think as well another nice thing about it took me a long time to have repartee and it happened naturally um but i've got like me and uh lyme disease my body kind of fights off a lot of things. So it finds it hard to hold on to pregnancies. Oh, wow. Finally, finally, I have it naturally.

To this day, doctors don't know how we manage to keep a successful pregnancy. Is it very unlikely then that the chance is quite low with Lyme disease and your other conditions to conceive then and keep the pregnancy? Yeah, with my combination and my immune system is they kind of explained it in very sort of simple childlike terms that all my little soldiers that need to fight to keep my immune system working they can't do that and keep the baby safe and oh wow so um so it was such an amazing time like when I finally did manage to have him of course yeah yeah did that make the pregnant so was the pregnancy a really stressful period

yeah i mean i yeah every everyone was i never every pregnancy i had i never knew how it was going to end up but it was weird because i just put my instagram last night that my dog Harry who I just look in his eyes and he's like this deep Tibetan soul or something the minute that I was pregnant with Rafferty it was almost like he knew this is the one this is the one that's going to stay safe and before I even knew I was pregnant he started getting on the bed which he never does and he would gently rub his chin on my stomach and then i realized i was pregnant then i kept the pregnancy for the for the first time in god knows how many times and through the end like he was like my shadow he would lead the way he would he would let jack know if i needed something he'd'd run down and bark and get him. He's just, like, the most amazing.

Dogs are just so amazing. Dogs are good. Yes, dogs are good. Dogs are good. Don't be funny. I'm seeing my round Robin White. Thanks, Martin. What is your set-up at home?

What is your... How many kids have you got? I've got three kids, yeah. Three girls. Yeah, I was denied a son. I won't. I just, um... And air, unfortunately. And air. your how many kids have you got i've got three kids yeah three girls yeah i was denied a son and there unfortunately but um so one is 23 one is 24 so we had those very close together yeah and i said no more children that's it okay i remember um dominic collins used to have this you know dom you should get spider-man's. Spider-Man's dad.

Spider-Man's dad. Spider-Man senior. Spider-Grandad. Yeah, Spider-Grandad. I'm just repeating what you're saying. Oh, so I said no more children because we had two so close together and it was that double pram thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, so I said no more children because we had two so close together and it was that double pram thing.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. You know, the double pram is just too wide to go through. Yeah. And the thing actually that really got to me was actually pushing this double pram with these two babies in and we had two dogs as well and I would push this this walking the dogs and pushing this pram around the park and the thing that got to me most was old lady saying you look like you've

got your hands full oh thanks a lot how you spotted that did you what dogs did you have because that does make a a difference, doesn't it, the size of the dog? Well, fox terriers. Fox terriers. Small but willful. Small but willful. Like me and Josh. That was going to be the original name of this podcast.

I'm going to Google a fox terrier so I can get my head around this. It's the tin tin. It's the tin tin dog. So you didn't want any more? I said, that's it. And we were quite rigid about that. Oh, they looked like a sort of Jack Russell with a big jumper on. Yeah, and a moustache.

Yeah, and a moustache. A Jack Russell in witness protection. Yeah. Those dogs have seen some things. And we were quite rigid. My wife was quite rigid about it. It's your turn, it's my turn. It was like that alternate thing at night your turn to get up my turn to get up and and i was like that that around that this is what 97 we had the first one it's 98 it was the

second one that was when i was making that channel four show so it was a lot of i had to do turnover a lot of stand-up so i would have to do a tour this is my previous uh uh handlers would make me do it back on tour so it'd be tour and then it would be um record write and record the show and i wrote it on my own so i was really under the caution so i would get back from tour you know two in the morning and you know the thing you know creep into bed and the baby wakes up and your turn so i was just completely knackered and so i said no but i could tell that my wife was going to hold So seven years later. Seven? Yeah, seven years later.

Seven, yeah. In a moment of weakness. We're another, we've conceived a third child, another girl. And it was the best thing we ever did. Oh. Because we, you know, you know what it's like, you have the first one, you don't know what the hell you're doing. You don't realize everything is a phase.

Yeah. You know, and you get the baby back from the hospital and you have that sort of, I don't know, it's about a week or something where it just sleeps and doesn't do anything. You're thinking, what's all the fuss about? Why is everyone saying it's going to ruin your life? And then they wake up and they start screaming and you think that's going to go on forever.

And then that goes and then, you know and they start screaming, and you think that's going to go on forever, and that goes, and then, you know, something else happens. You know, they start teething or they start falling over. Well, because you say it's the best thing you ever did, Kevin III, but then how long until you thought that? Because obviously at the beginning, it was a lot easier because the kids were so much older as well. They're like grown-ups at seven and eight, aren't they, really?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was fine because, you know, we knew what we were doing with the baby and we were able to enjoy it. And maybe I wasn't so busy, I don't know, but it was a really good time. And actually, you know, I think she said the best, talking of parenting, she said the best out of us.

I think the first two got a bit of a rough deal. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Unlucky, but things happen. So does your third daughter still live with you? Yeah. She's at school now. How old is she?

17. What's it like having teenage daughters and young women as daughters? Is it scary? To us. You lose the control a bit, don't you, sitting out and about doing whatever? I think the thing a bit, don't you? So they're out and about doing whatever. I think the thing with girls is that they're easier when they're little. And then when they become teenagers, you know,

then it starts to get difficult. And, you know, I used to do this. I had this weird thing where I would scream at them. They would come down and they would be in like, they used to roll up the top of their school skirt. So in this sort of jailbait kind of look with thick makeup on. All right. And I would just, you know, turn into my dad.

Get that stuff off of you. I'd say, you're not going out like that. Come here, you know. It was silly, you know, know really silly so I bought this book I sent off for this book called um something like talking to your teens so your teens can talk to you which is a book about you know obviously understanding anyway get this book through and I get it and I'm sitting on the stairs reading this book and daughter number two comes home from school she goes what's that book dad I said it's called talking to your teens so teens can talk to on the stairs reading this book and daughter number two comes home from school.

She goes, what's that book, Dad? I said, it's called Talking to Your Teens so Teens Can Talk to You. I said, it's just, you know, so we can hopefully not have so many arguments. She goes, loser. So I never bothered reading it.

That's it for this special Best Of episode. We'll be back next week. Psst, it's me, Alan. There's no place like London's Hackney Empire this September, or so I'm told. With shows from three of the UK's top comedians. Join team captain of 8 out of 10

Catsters Countdown John Richardson recent I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here star Sean Walsh and me Alan Carr we're all visiting

Hackney Empire this September with our critically acclaimed tour shows ooh la dee da tickets available from hackneyempire.co.uk see you there my loves