Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell... Volume 9

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

As we take a very short break for the new year here's a selection of some of our favourite chats about (mostly) parenting misadventures with previous guests…  We’ll see you next week for the start of Series 8!!  Episode Playlist: S4 EP8 - Adam Buxton S5 EP18 - Myleene Klass S5 EP10 - Brian Conley  S5 EP32 - Giovanna Fletcher S4 EP12 - Jermaine Jenas Parenting Hell is a Spotify Podcast, available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Join the mailing list to be first to hear about live show dates and tickets, Parenting Hell merch and any other exciting news... MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com  A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello I'm Rob Beckett and I'm Josh Willickham. Welcome to Parenting Hell the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent which I would say can be a little tricky. So to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting each week we'll

be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello i'm rob beckett and i'm josh widdicombe and you're listening to now that's what i call parenting hell adam buxton welcome to the podcast before we start have you done a podcast before do you need any pointers explanation of how it all works or

you're good uh am i able to swear uh yeah as much as you want so how many kids you got what's your kids set up i think i'm pretty sure i've got three. Yep. I've got, there's a girl, there's definitely a girl. She's nice and she seems to like me. There's two boys. One of them's keener on me than the other one. They're teenagers. The oldest one has gone off to university. Oh, wow.

Last year, studying music production. That was a big deal because we really thought that he was never, ever going to leave the house. And I don't think he wanted to leave the house. The middle one is quite different. He's 17 now. In the best possible way, he doesn't give a shit. I mean, that's a quality that is sometimes a source of anxiety and worry for the lad and also frustration when the lad doesn't do anything or want to do anything or do what you say or what you suggest.

But then other times I do think, actually, that's kind of a superpower. If you genuinely don't give a shit and you're not horrible, which he's not. He's like he's a nice guy and he's got one or two talents he's quite musical i think that that's a pretty good way to be because i was the opposite i gave a shit about everything yeah and it was you know crippling how does not giving a shit manifest itself give an example of him not kind of giving a shit. Well, he doesn't seem to be. I mean, I've got to be careful not to malign him unfairly, but he doesn't seem overly worried about his academic progress at school or lack thereof. Yeah.

And the whole revising for exams thing. Nah, he's not too worried about that. He's got it down. He's like, it's fine. It's fine. I'm going to do it at the end. This is how I do it. Okay.

It's like he pretends that he's got a system. He's like, no, you idiots. You don't understand. The system is I do it the night before. That's how I do it. And then we say, yeah, but you failed all of those exams. I know because I didn't do it that time. This time I'm going to do it the night before and it's going to be fine.

I went to school in central London, right next to Westminster Abbey. And I remember wandering around in St. James's Park just before my A-levels with a bottle of whiskey in my pocket thinking, my life is over because I am not on top of these exams and I don't know what's going to happen to me. And the school I went to, they drilled it into you that you better pull your socks up, Buxton, because otherwise you can forget about the rest of your life. You know, if you don't get into this university or that university, that's it. You're done. Yeah.

I really believed it, you know, and it's such a bullshit. So your son doesn't care about that kind of stuff, but obviously you're kind of tormented by it. Do you find it difficult to let go of that yourself? Do you find yourself putting pressure on him with that? Or do you feel like you can step back and let it just unfold? in with that or do you feel like you can step back and let it just unfold well i'm definitely you know in the good cop bad cop dynamic that my wife and i adopt like many other parents i'm definitely the cop that's saying hey it's fine you're going to be fine don't worry about it whereas she's much more on top of all their educational stuff i really do think that too

much pressure is put on children. And this idea that if you don't get the right exam results, it's all over is bullshit. I appreciate that. You know, we're very lucky in all sorts of ways. They've got a safety net, our children, and there's all kinds of ways that they're spoiled and we're going to be there for them. And not everyone is in that fortunate position so the stakes are higher and the stakes are high for our children as well you know i want them to do as well as they can and to do some work and understand that you do actually have to try at things for things to happen you can't just expect everything to come to you yeah but at the same time it is not

all over if you screw up your exams you know yeah also sometimes you don't have to try hard genuinely with certain things obviously you have to put effort in with things but for me like with certain stuff if i try hard i ruin it so you do have to make sure you're putting all the effort in in the right places but just by staring at a page for 12 hours doesn't mean it'll help you know i mean where sometimes i think people can be coerced into over preparing and working too hard and that stresses them out as well, where some people naturally are better if they're more rested and chilled and relaxed than being so crippled with the pressure of it. Yeah, exactly.

And also it sometimes seems as if all you're training them to do is play a certain system that actually doesn't equip them with all that many skills for what's really important in life. You know, they still don't teach all sorts of very basic things at school. I think they're beginning to do it a bit more. You know what I mean? Like relationships, how to open a bank account, how to do your washing, how to feed yourself properly. You know, there are more of those elements creeping into education now i get the impression and they're beginning to talk about like oh you know treat people with respect and

do all that sort of stuff but still there are yawning gaps there that are filled with just a load of stuff that you learn by rote that you're never going to use totally agree obviously you went to a school which was very proper and about results and all that kind of thing. Yeah, who the fuck goes to school in Westminster? Where's this gaff? I've never heard of it. You're not going to believe what it's called, Rob. I can tell you what it's called. You said it in the word. Westminster School. Yeah, this was an expensive private school that my parents got me into, that my dad was very excited to get me into.

He kind of got a last minute deal yeah he got a cheap deal like you know sometimes if you book hotels at the right time you can get quite a nice room for a lot less i think that's what he got with westminster and as a result i started a term later all right did you have siblings as well adam i did yes i was the oldest of three no they didn't go there the thing with my dad which I wrote about in my book was that he kind of overreached financially yeah and he ran out of money a lot of pressure on you yeah I basically emptied the pot oh that's a lot of pressure it was a lot of pressure I mean my brother and sister did start to go to similar schools but yeah he had to take my brother out and he never really

forgave himself for that and there was a lot of pressure on me yeah that i didn't feel at the time my god no one you got a bottle of whiskey on the guy in the park exactly but then later on i really did feel like me waggling toys on channel four and doing poo and fart jokes is not what my dad was imagining when he spent all his money and ruined his marriage by sending me to an expensive school. But you got him on the show. Was that a kind of, was that a nod to it? I'll get my dad on the TV show as a kind of slight payback. 100%. Yeah, it definitely was.

That was one of the big things I was thinking was like, here you go, dad. You see, it wasn't a total waste of money after all. And I used to love it when we did. This is I'm talking about a show called The Adam and Joe Show that me and Joe Cornish used to do on Channel 4. And my dad, who was then in his mid 70s, was drafted in to be our kind of youth correspondent. our kind of youth correspondent and we'd go off to festivals with him and he'd review records and hip-hop and the Spice Girls and all sorts of stuff you know the joke was ha ha here's this posh old guy and he's totally out of touch with this stuff but it was funny to hear him rant about it because he hated it all are you gonna sue Jack Whitehall for stealing your idea or just leave it well I don't think we invented the idea of dads getting your parents involved with fun shenanigans the thing about jack whitehall is that he's always on screen with his dad i never really was we always just used to leave him to it my dad but i really did think here we go look i've come good after all that money you wasted at the school. Here we are on TV because he liked being on TV, my dad.

Well, he was a writer, wasn't he? A wine critic kind of thing. Is that right? Yeah, exactly. He was a travel writer and he wrote about wine. Yeah, that was his big passion. And he loved walking. Well, travel and wine is all very sort of like about money and sort of like, you know,

there's always a next level up. And I suppose he sort of translated that into schooling as well well where that school is probably one of the best in the country i imagine yeah he came from a big working class family in sussex and his parents helped to run an estate for a wealthy family they basically had it drummed into them that they would do anything they could to be part of the establishment you you know, that they would move up the social ranks. And so my dad always aspired to being part of what he saw as the right people and the right environment and go to Oxbridge and read the right books. And plus, he was a clever guy who worked really hard. So it's not as if he didn't belong there. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not as if he didn't belong there do you know what i mean like it's not as if he didn't have what was required how does that reflect then kind of upbringing that you've given

your kids what do you take from that and then place onto them as a parent i'm raising them to be working class because that's what everyone aspires to now everyone hates posh people so i'm bringing them up as eastenders jelly deals for breakfast stuff like that yeah swap rosie for a whippet that's right rosie's your dog by the way not your daughter just to confirm to the listeners hello mylene class how are you i like that intro that was great thank you been up all night writing it it writing it. It's not too gushing, is it? Do you know what? I like succinct.

I think it's weird when you do a show and then you're sat there while they intro you and they're reading out all your credits and stuff. It's just an awkward start. Do you know what? You're absolutely right. So thank you. Author, musician, member of hearsay, which we won't go into. You can go wherever you like i have nothing to hide

well should we start with how many kids you got that's the classic what's your kids set up marlene okay so i've got um a 15 year old 15 i've got an 11 year old okay boys or girls are they both girls both girls yep so ava's 15 here is 11 and then i've got my baby boy who's three his name's apollo but we call him snoopy he's just turned three amazing how comes the apollo to snoopy yeah well when i was pregnant i put um a piece of paper up on the door because i wanted all the kids just you know to really feel involved because my partner he has two children too so we're a blended family of seven all in i know honestly it's chaos um but uh i thought let's let all the children feel really involved in this and write down any name that you want to call the baby i don't know who the culprit was but somebody wanted to call him um snoop dog and i was like don't be so ridiculous we're not gonna

have a baby called snoop dog and would you believe it it's what's stuck so he's been given like this god of music and science apollo we've given him that name and nobody uses it snoopy amazing i'm just calling him snoop snoopy snoop his teachers his little nursery teachers he calls himself he calls himself snoopy that's incredible so do you think that'll stick when he goes to school? I'm guessing so. It's the only answer to, and that's how he introduces himself. It's little Snoopy. So are all the kids in your house, are they split between other houses with different parents?

So three are permanent residents. Two come and go, and then there's myself and my partner, and I'd like to say we're permanent residents too. How old are the there's myself and my partner and i'd like to say we're permanent residents too how old are the other two kids uh also 15 and 11 so how spoil is snoop getting having all these sort of older kids and parents around because he's got to be the little golden boy if he ever learns to tie his shoelaces by 21 it will be a miracle he went through a phase of not even speaking it was kind of just we just well look he's a rainbow baby so we are we're all obsessed with him what's a rainbow baby the rainbow baby is the baby that you get at the end of the rainbow after you've had um

miscarriages and i had four miscarriages so so to get this baby he was you know obviously all babies are very very precious but i was just willed over the finishing line we were so worried to the to the last the minute i held him in my arms i didn't even believe i was having him i didn't dare to believe I was having him. Did you, was it, I mean, gone quite heavy quite early. Was it difficult to keep going with a set of points when you thought, we're not going to do this? All the time, because I spent four, you know,

to have four miscarriages when you've had two, you know, seemingly very straightforward pregnancies. It just, it rattles you. I think anybody who's ever been through anything even, you know seemingly very straightforward pregnancies it just it rattles you i think anybody who's ever been through anything even you know remotely like that you know one is awful four it's just looking into giving up i mean i can only imagine we had one and that was horrific and then the pregnancy after that there's no joy in the pregnancy after that we found it's like every time you just think you're scared just to go to the loo um yeah you just don't know what you're going to find and i think you know you're just forever worried if you if you feel a movement you're worried if

you don't feel a moment you're worried i don't know if you you had to experience you know all the injections and the pessaries and the the drugs that are required but i was rattling around you know you know, everything I could possibly take, I took it because I just didn't want to take any chances. But we got him. But you've got him and he's called Snoopy, against your wishes.

That's why he's now sort of, he just floats aloft on this little cloud. I'm so, I am, I still, I don't think I will ever get over the fact that I have him. He's here and I just, I'm just, I just, you know, sneak into his room at night and just stroke his head and smell his hair. That, you know, that baby smell that you're just trying to just still hang on. Are you done now though?

Would you go again? Or is it too much stress from what's happened before? I, you know what? On a serious note, I don't think I could do it again. I couldn't tempt fate like that again on a serious note i don't think i could do it again i couldn't tempt fate like that again uh i just i don't think i could do i think i got my lot i really did um and from a practical consideration i don't think there's a tour bus big enough now i had to get a bigger kitchen table a bigger dinner table to fit everyone around it um so just from a practical consideration i just i

don't know how we'd move it's like the circus coming to town wherever we go how do you genuinely what are the practicalities of going from a to b with five kids yeah you have to be so organized and i always have a master point not joking in case anyone gets lost along the way so what how big's your car what we're looking at previa full galaxy how big how many seats you've got sometimes we just have to just go in sort of in in a rotation or drop someone at the tube or that's just yeah yeah well we're not we can't do the 80s anymore we just throw someone in the boot it just doesn't really work so we have to just really you know i've got with the 15 year olds it's a little bit easier because they they you know they're a bit more independent but uh it is like i said you have some real

practical considerations how to move everybody it's like it is like kettling rather than raising and how do you jump between a like a three-year-old and then teenage girls oh my goodness if you figure it out i'm all ears it is it really it's it's a real challenge because i think people have this idea of you have teenagers and they're going to be this one way and you have toddlers and they're going to be this other way like actually you're just dealing with independent people you don't know what these little people are going to want or what they're going to be like and i just think the most important thing really is with you know so many little people with all these big feelings is that you just remind them that you're team children that's it whatever they need whatever

support they want you know whatever it is that that you know that they need in their lives at whatever time they just need to know that you're supporting them and that's the best thing i can do because it's just it's just definitely it's not one size fits all yeah and got you know all my children they're very very different um yeah they're very different we've got things obviously all in common we all you know make music together i've managed to you know pass on you know piano lessons that they all seem to love and i love doing that with us together because i made my own band but then you know my elder she's like some chemistry wizard I've got no clue I can't help her absolutely no none whatsoever my 11 year old she's like comedian slash wants to make clothes for

the drag queens he's on her own trajectory and then obviously there's the emperor the golden child who... Welcome to the podcast, Brian Connolly. I'm very excited about this, Brian. I've got moist. I'm very excited. And I would like to apologise for my visual thing that you'll see. You've got a line down the screen. Well, do you know what? You seem to apologise.

We just had some of the classic mute problems on Zoom. Yeah. And when you were speaking, we couldn't hear you and your face was so funny, I thought he's doing a bit. This is him doing like a kind of, I can't,

I feel for comedy. Yeah. I've even got the comedy screen. Let me point out to the listeners, yeah, when we were in lockdown we just before lockdown we bought this computer whopper chopper does the old fingerprint you haven't got to do anything um but we never realized the i mean so there's a line down the middle oh in the camera

yeah no so but um i'm doing the one shot and uh next door neighbour came around because they've got a good computer and we couldn't get it on. So I'm in the middle there of the great big sort of 20 by 20 screen with this blimmin' thing. And you're right, I do. And people only read it. When I was walking down the street, they're going, yeah, all right, Brian. I should take a photo of it so we could put it online.

That line down your head. Perfect. Well, you've made it here. So, Brian, how many kids you got? Let's start off with that. Two kids. I have two girls. I've got Lucy and Amy.

Lucy is, as you just saw, because of my age, she's helped me get on this podcast. In fact, I have to say, this is the very first podcast I've ever done in my life. Really? Amazing. Here we go podcast I've ever done in my life. Really? Amazing. Here we go. I've done radio.

You see, what's the difference between radio and podcast? Tell me that one. We don't have to play a song. We can just babble on for as long as we want. There's no time restraints. No bosses as well. There's no man telling us what to do. We can say things like bum and poo.

Yeah, whatever you want. I'm going to say it now. Fuck. I just gonna say it now fuck i've never ever said it i don't i feel there's people out there going i can't believe it it's gonna get in the papers and everything did you work clean then completely basically all your stuff yeah yeah yeah you had to when i was uh doing my show i had a joke where you know i had to say uh i wanted to say bum, and I was not allowed to say bum. And no one, and I can't believe it, you know, like now everyone can say fart. You know, you can say fart in Panama.

You were never, ever allowed to do that. But now it's very acceptable because I suppose the sort of rule is if you're, you know, a little kid going to school, you know, how would the teacher react? He'd go, what are you doing, Johnny? Well, I just farted, you know. So that was to school you know how would the teacher react he's going what are you doing johnny well i just farted you know so that was always the times of change but then you also did have a tv show where you pretended to play the violin with your cock out well no yeah there's something lying that people worry that my penis had a nail on the end of it no it was my finger um i had the full song i still do it in the main act. I'll have to say it's probably the best visual in the world,

this whole full song. Oh, it's unbelievable. The song, The Devil Went Down at Georgia. And when I hold the bow with my finger, they have that rock where the whole audience just go forward. Yeah, that's so good. The trouble is I can never follow it. So I'll do it.

And it always takes me ages to get the blimmin' thing on. So there's this hiatus where I'm sort of trying to get the thing on. Anyway, yeah. So what were we talking about? My kids. Yeah, your kids. Yeah, sorry. We'll get the sort of gushing stuff out of the way.

But I've always loved all your stuff. We should say we said on this podcast that Rob saw you and that's his kind of... In Butlins. In Butlins. How old have you been, Rob? I can't remember it was you were you were doing a routine where you sort of had to pretend baby in a buggy and it was crying and then all the dangerous brian stuff i remember watching that on the telly having the vhs and things like that and we all watched it as a family and absolutely loved

it and that's like that my smart ideal comedy is when you can watch it with your nan your brother your auntie everyone and everyone finds it funny but yes absolute hero of mine so very very excited to be doing this brian is your reason that that night is the reason rob becker is here now i i left the stage early that night because i thought there's a weird kid in the audience with great stage manager said you've only done 20 minutes i said that kid's shitting the life out of me. It's just teeth and hair. What is that in the middle? I remember that routine. I've still got, I never, ever throw one prop away.

I love props. I love visual comedy. I think visual comedy goes right across the board. Young, old. You've still got that pram then? Still got it up in the loft. Because what happens was the baby used to come out. I had the baby made.

It was the ugliest baby ever. I used to do a couple of baby jokes. Then I'd put it in there, and there was a very popular song like, we are the world, we are the children. And I used to put the baby in the pram. And then I had a little lever, and the baby used to play a little trumpet in the pram. He'd go, I'll be there rocking it.

I think once I had kids, I'd go, I don't want to relate to them at all. So I never, I took out all my kid jokes, all my baby routine. When I get out of the house, I just want to forget those kids now.

Really? And so what point in your career did you have the kids? I was doing really well. And then it all went wrong. Hang on a podcast. How old are they now, Brian? So we've got Lucy,

who's 20, and and Amy who's 25. Lucy works as an events manager at a very popular cinema chain and Lucy wants to be a comedian. Oh, wow. And she's a great singer and she's done a little bit of work. She's done a bit of acting and she's got a pantomime. Oh, wicked. She's doing a pantomime. Oh, wicked. Yeah, she's doing a pantomime in Richmond. Her love of singing has always been there as well,

but Lucy just has that extra, really wanted to be in the biz. And did you have your children come and watch you from an early age then? Well, they both were. I got them in the show with pantomime. Amy is wonderfully talented, but she's never quite had that confidence to get out there. Lucy is slightly different. I think Amy takes after Anne-Marie, my wife,

and Lucy takes after me. But Lucy desperately wanted to be part of it. So I had a – you don't have it now, but they used to have little teams of the babes. So you'd have 10 little kids that would be part of it. And I got her to be one of the babes and she would learn the dance routines. But I always had another costume made because I've heard of people that, yes, they're 10 kids.

They take one out while the celeb's daughter or son could do it. And then that poor child that was left out, obviously, because they didn't have a costume, but I went, no, I want an 11th costume. I want everything in 11s so that little Lucy can dip in and out. And then right at the very end, when I spoke about the bear, the fairy would come out and we'd get Lucy, when she was tiny,

and Amy would do this, about I don't know like about three or four and she would come out with the fairy with the bear and give it to the child who's a similar age and then I would go to Lucy I go hello what's your name she go Lucy and I go how old are you she would go I'm three and three quarters and I go have we ever met before and she go no daddy do you want to do the intro josh so rob always starts by saying do you want to do the intro josh and then the intro is literally hello giovanna it's not it's not an intro giovanna fletcher it's like queen of the castle slash jungle. Yeah, but what we do, we'll do all that beforehand so you don't have to sit here and listen to us talking about your credits because that's weird when you have to do that.

It is. It is. It's an odd thing. Yeah. How are you? Yeah, how are you? And can you let our listeners know how many children you've got? What's your child set up at home?

My child set up is that I have three children, three boys, who are eight, six and four nicely spaced oh boys yes three boys all boys boys so we've just well josh has got a boy i've got two girls and josh's got one girl i find boys a nightmare that's interesting rough rough rough and tumble in it i imagine if I had a little girl, I would be like, God, those boys. They are, I mean,

I always call them quite feral, but really they are just, they like rough and tumble. They love being outside. Someone said to me once, with boys, you've got to treat them like they're dogs. They need to be outside.

They need to be walked. They need to be fed and they need to sleep. And as long as those three things are happening, life's good. And at first I was like, don't compare my child to a dog and then now i'm like no i get it i totally respect what that man was saying and follow that formula and life is good so what would you do on a rainy day with three boys oh go outside anyway go outside get your wellies on hide make it an adventure

yeah or just hide in this cupboard and then life is good you must be at slightly like easy street as it were now at this point because they're not babies anymore the youngest is four so they're doing stuff themselves especially the youngest of three always is a bit more you know can do more stuff at four than the eldest would because they copy they've started doing this great thing at the weekends they do um buddy's breakfast bar so the middle one's called buddy and literally we'll come down there'll be toast there'll be cereal they've done it for his brothers oh wow and that that is amazing that was a total game changer one of the mums at school said that she used to pre-do the cereal and just wrap it in cellophane like she'd get the bowl out that's

a much cleaner way of doing it but for us we're like just go and have fun just go go and sort yourselves out in the best way that you can and you know you're going to come down there's going to be rice crispies everywhere few cornflakes on the floor there'll probably be a milk spillage but in my head i'm also they've got to be a little bit independent you know and and leaning into that if they're enjoying it, then brilliant. That's great. And they can always help clear up as well, can't they? You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's the next step. That is the next step. Let's not run before we can walk, Rob. Come on. And so are you relaxed? So you're upstairs still in bed while Buddy's breakfast bar is going on. What's your levels of relaxation there? It's fine. If there's no arguing going on then i am asleep it's absolutely fine yeah and i know that you know the whole if they're quiet it means they're up to something that is definitely true

yeah absolutely true however they're also happy and they're not fighting each other because my kids have this inability to just walk past each other without an arm or a leg coming out to hit the other child. They just can't. It's constant physical contact with them. So if they are, you know, on a Saturday morning, if it is all nice and quiet and no one is yelping in pain or going, is it this? Then I'm happy. I'm happy to just lie in bed. We try until eight o'clock at the weekend.

Oh, that's good. I literally thought you were going to say 11. So eight. Some people who aren't parents listening going, eight o'clock. That's what you dream of aiming for. Yes, because it used to be five o'clock. So, you know, eight o'clock is a massive step

in the right direction. Don't get me wrong. I'm very jealous of your eight o'clock direction Don't get me wrong I'm very jealous Of your 8 o'clock Don't get me wrong on that But I think Because you've got a 1 year old You're still dreaming

Of the day Where it's 11 or 12 But that never happens I don't think No No And when it does actually It's them

And we'll be trying To get them out of bed Yeah When they're teenagers Rob I can't imagine Your children ever Sleeping in Rob Well I think

The youngest Is more likely to sleep in She's a bit more like me, but the eldest is like Lou and up like a button, early doors, let's do something in your face. They just have so much energy. I think that they fight a little bit, but with the boys I've seen on holidays and school and stuff, they're just mad for it.

You sort of assume that, you know... Well, you were one of four boys, Rob. Were you fighting all the time? Yeah, well, my mum got put on a NSPCC watch list because we used to go to the hospital so much, like, bang dead. I mean, that's the thing. The amount of times we've gone on... The night I went into

labour with Max, so I'd had a... I don't know if this is TMI for your podcast, but so I'd gone in for a sweep that day, so things were happening. And I was doing, like, a frantic last-minute sweep, tidying up for the house. I knew the grandparents would come over. And the kids had literally, they were about to go up to bed.

Tom was at the stairs and said, right, guys, let's go up. Buddy stood up on the sofa. One foot fell off the sofa. Smack, bang, straight into the coffee table. Split his head open. So we ended up going to hospital with him so that he could get his head sewn back together.

And that is when my contraction started for the third child so they are accident prone but that one was well ill-timed that's the worst time yeah did you move from a and e to the maternity bit of the hospital no because it's there i'm kind of a bit like well let's go home and see what happens and also because i was so worried about buddy who bless him he was he was actually okay it's a tough one that one so we went home and I tried lying down with him for a bit and then by 10 o'clock we phoned the grandparents on that, actually, you need to come over.

So by 12 o'clock we were on our way back to the hospital. That is a hell of a situation. But the amount of times we go to hospital for, you know, knees being split open, heads, it's just, you know, wrists, arms. Are you all right with that now are you a panicker when they hit themselves are you like oh here we go another scar yeah it's a bit like that i am a little bit come on you're fine oh no you're not the bone is broken let's go to the hospital yeah you can't really panic i don't. And also it does depend which child it is because they all need different things.

And so our eldest is a bit, he's very emotional and panics. So knowing for him, I've just got to be super cool and super calm and just kind of do the whole kind of, it's fine, we'll just go and see the doctor, all that raised kind of voice thing. So yeah, I try not to flap over it that much now it's fine we'll just go and see the doctor you know all that raised kind of voice thing so yeah i try not to flap over it that much now and just kind of be a bit more pragmatic with it if i can i'm a flapper it will no surprise i need to thank you as well for winning me money in the jungle you know when he did the

jungle and i'm gonna say well i put money on you early doors to win so I need to say thank you for that for me it was a dead sir oh thank you very much because I knew how nice you were also huge following on your podcast and then boy band member husband that is the one and kids at home so they'll send you a letter and you'll get all upset I thought this is a guarantee we didn't get letters you didn't get letters we didn't get letters no that's harsh yeah they gave us a sentence that was um i got mine on chocolate hobnobs mine were so i got two chocolate hobnobs and just a sentence of this massive letter that our loved ones did send but they only included a line of it oh brutal actually i've never actually read the letter that tom actually did write the entire thing i've not read

it it's because the rest of it was really brutal so they had to only give you a line of it you're doing this, you're doing that we're having a great time without you we're in A&E again just to let you know, we're all sewed up ready to go how long was you away from the kids on that show?

a long time, so I was in isolation for two weeks before basically I could start with the kids there, but once they'd left, they couldn't come back. And it was one of those typical things where Tom could come with me for that first night and then he had to come back to do, I think Little Mix had a programme on BBC,

you know, that talent one. So he had to come back the following day. So I then had all three kids and my dad and my step-mum. And then at the weekend, Tom came back but couldn't come in, so I couldn't have three kids and my dad and my step-mom and then that the weekend Tom came back but couldn't come in so I couldn't have any contact with him uh so two of the kids weren't with him then the older two had to go back to school and again once they'd gone to him they couldn't come back to me because of Covid and then the following weekend Tom came to get Mac so I made sure that I did all of my proper goodbyes and stuff with him, who at the time was only one, before getting him in the car.

And I remember being there, the door shutting on the car, and Max was being like, no, mummy car! Oh, no! Mummy car! Oh, God. Absolutely distraught. But my friends sent me this little care package, and one of the things in it was a Brussels sprout.

You know one of those in Posse puzzles? Yeah. So I literally spent the next four days doing this in posse puzzles of like Brussels sprouts and that really helped. The glamour of showbiz. I know.

The biggest show on telly you were doing sat there doing a fucking Brussels sprout puzzle on your own. It's the dream gig. The big gig on telly. It was hard. Sat there. Yeah, I've made it.

Have I? In a fucking cabin in Wales. Thanks for joining us, Jermaine. Can you let us know, how old are your kids? You've got two? No, I've got four. Four?

Four kids, yeah. Four. I've got 14-year-olds. No wonder you're doing loads of telework. The one show, the morning show. Just doing what I can just to get out

of the house personally. I've got a 14-year-old. I've got a nine-year-old. I've got a six-year-old and he's five months old now, the baby. Really nicely spaced out. Every four or five years

you go, do you know what? Why not? let's go again actually i don't want to sleep anymore she's five i'll get in trouble for that she's five she's six this year the yeah the third girl three girls and a boy but you're right it is carnage i'm not gonna lie three girls and a boy blimey how is it being back at five months um, but also quite nice in a weird way out of all the kids I've had. This is the baby that I'm, I was actually prepared for and ready for, and probably mature enough to handle and understand everything.

Whereas, you know, when I'm a 14, now 14 year old, I mean, I was, you know, a 20 year old lad playing Premier League football, playing for England. And you think you can just solve everything with money. You're not actually, you're nowhere near ready to be having a child. My 14-year-old with my ex. Yeah. So we... Do they still live in the States?

Is that right? Yeah, yeah. So they live in America. Correct, yeah. So she lives in America now and she comes over during the summer periods and Christmas and stuff like that. But, you know, those periods during my life, I was just like, well, I've got a kid, what do I do? But then most kids my age would panic. And I went, well, you know, at this particular point in my life, I've got plenty of money, I've got a house. All of the things you worry about, I had naturally. But the one thing I didn't have was the kind of that maturity, that patience, that understanding. So I just kind of built things around me. Like I've got a mom to quit work.

A sister came to live with me. My sister lived with me. I just had a house that's full of people just to help the scenario rather than being a parent you know that's interesting when did you kind of realize that that's what you've done not until i would say uh only about five six years ago you know when i don't know every now and again you have those periods in your life where you just kind of take stock and i think lockdown for everybody was probably one of those moments where you just kind of like took stock of things that are going on and

we were very fortunate during lockdown you know we um you know for me personally i got to kind of spend more time with the kids spend more time at home spend more time with the wife and stuff and um yeah i think we just through having like conversations uh over a couple of nights it was just like you know i think she just asked me one time something like what was it like having a you know baby um at that age because she was young and she was scared my now wife you know, baby at that age, because she was young and she was scared. My now wife, you know, when she first started having kids. And I didn't, you know, that didn't compute to me just how nervous she was going to be. But, you know, you think you're ready for these moments and then they actually arrive in your life. At 20, you're a baby. You're still a baby yourself at 20, aren't you?

Well, this is the thing. You just, I don't know. And also, I don't know what your experiences were were like but when you're in hospital and you have the kids and it's just it is literally just like there you go yeah deal with that and you're like i mean i remember the first one just being like what the hell do you do like how do i feed when do i feed it how much do i feed it what am i supposed to do i don't like buying i mean by the lad now i'm picking up buying his leg and swinging him around putting his clothes on eat that drink that people looking at me like what's going on like i'm like it's fine it is sound don't worry about that that must have been a really like mad point of your life because you know i remember at the time

when you got signed it was like for five million or something yeah and it was like big news you wasn't you one of the most expensive teenagers or something was that yeah it was the record you held yeah i was i think it was the third most expensive teenager in the world at that particular time uh it was like r9 brazilian ronaldo went from psv to barcelona uh robbie keen went from commentary to intermilan for nine million and then it was me and it was then it was me it was carnage I remember arriving in Newcastle and it was like press are following me all over the place, I've got into my

hotel room and I just thought right, couple of minutes to myself and I'd already done my press conference that day but I just got back to my hotel room, I'm putting on what's going on on the telly and it was just like me, Sky News, me on on the telly and it was just like me sky news me on this me on that i was just like this is it was crazy i'm like and when i got back to my room like nike for example sent me i mean the product was mental it was like it walked

into my room it was from floor to ceiling of just like trainers tracksuit boots just everything you can imagine they just sent me it was you know, a dream at the time. And I loved it. I was 18 years old. You've got that at the moment with Blacks, the mountaineering shop, haven't you, Rob? Oh, yes. I moaned about a backpack from Blacks

and they'd be ringing me up trying to, like, apologise. I'd talk about it. I actually felt really bad in the end. Basically, I bought a backpack. They ordered it online for me in the shop. And then I have to go back to the shop to get a refund. And I was like, can't they just refund my card? I moaned about it.

I've had five phone calls from all the different people from Blacks. They wanted to send me a backpack. I was like, no, I'll just explain the policy. And I just thought, how boring is my fucking life that I'm talking about a complaint with a mountaineering shop? That is quite funny because, you know, when you're talking about products and stuff like that, you just heard me briefly before we came on to talk on the pod

about this baby chair that I'm trying to currently put up in the room. And that's why I was late getting to the pod. Basically, it's a stoke baby chair. It's a really stylish one, right? That goes right next to the kitchen table. Apparently, your child can grow. As they grow, they grow with you and can have dinner with you and whatever.

And they're part of the family. And like, I'm sorry. I know, there's such bollocks in it, all of that. Oh, we've got that one. I've just Googled it. Yeah, you've got it. And it's got like 5,000 attachments that you have to put to it.

Yeah. And it's funny because the first thing i do when i get all these things i go on youtube and i go right this is the easiest way because the instructions are always a pain in the ass so i go right went on youtube and it was funny because you've got like a load of mums who come on who are like so i've got my uh new stoke baby chair this is how i'm going to put it together they're really like calm there's like a couple of dads that are on youtube and they'll go the first line of one of them was like um i just want to say sorry about the mess uh ignore the mess um it's difficult for a dad doing this on his own he was like really stressed out yeah i'm not gonna watch this video mate sorry

i'm gonna go back to the car whenever i put the youtube videos on i part of me is going this absolute loser doing the youtube video what a loser and the other part of me is going this person is my only hope this is this person is all i've got in the world that's it for this special best of episode That's it for this special Best Of episode I'm Scott Bennett And I'm Gemma Bennett And together we are Brew with the Bennetts

Yeah Say it together Brew with the Bennetts Every Sunday a bit of chat Bit of humour Humour Together Tea

Tea Cuppa Coffee Brew and chat Yes it's good Join us there. You've got round shoulders. Well, they need...

And a side profile of Gerard Depardieu. She only serves us Tetley tea bags, which in itself was a bit of a... A bit of a... A bit of a letdown. Because I saw... I knew it was Yorkshire. I've just noticed you always go,

before you say so. What do you mean? It's like I'm building up. I just want to talk about it. Just listen, do it again. No wonder I have anxiety dreams. Oh my God. Hello, my name's Joe Wilkinson

and I do a podcast with David Earl. It's called Chatterpix. Chatterpix is a podcast magazine and chat show, isn't it? Yeah. We're on three times a week. We have loads of guests, special guests, surprise guests. Can I read some of the highlights? Yeah.

Interviewing a Red Arrow pilot. Visiting a haunted house. Chatting with Ricky Gervais, Harry Hill, James Acaster, and Catherine Ryan, amongst others. Backstage at the Blur concert at Wembley. And I met my hero, Andrew Roachwood, and I cried. So that's Chatterpix. James Acaster and Catherine Ryan, amongst others. Backstage at the Blur concert at Wembley. And I met my hero, Angie Roachwood, and I cried. So that's Chattervix.

D-H-A-T-A-B-I-X. Chattervix. Andy Bush here from Guestimators, the brand-new game show where guesswork beats Google. Join me, our resident quiz master, Statman Matt, and a celebrity guest as we dive into the brains of the great British public. Statman, what sort of questions have we been asking? Well, Bush, here are some of my favourites. Who's the best Irish person?

Which finger would you chop off if you had to? And how many human-sized corgis could Prince William beat in a fight? To play along at home and listen to the podcast, just visit guestamators.com. I think I'd chop off my left little finger, by the way.