Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP1: Katherine Ryan

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP1: KATHERINE RYANJoining us in the studio this week to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown is comedian Katherine Ryan.  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep it Light Media' [e-mail]  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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An extraordinary freezer holding all the Blizzard flavors of the past. It's opening to bring back Rolo and Brownie Batter. Grab them before the DQ Freezer closes. Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell.

The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. so in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation and to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping or hopefully not and we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, this is Josh Whittacombe and this is Rob Beckett. Hello.

How are you? I'm getting by. Lockdown is difficult with young children, which is why we've set this up, Josh. That is why we are here. This is Rob Beckett and Josh Willicombe, Lockdown Parenting Help. I was having a bad time with lockdown parenting, and then I spoke to Rob, and it made me feel a lot better about my life. And I thought, the world needs the pleasure of Rob Beckett to make themselves feel better. Yes, because I've got two children, a four-year-old and a two-year-old,

and they are ruling the roost. They've gone feral. I found one drinking out of a puddle. Do you know the worst thing about that, Rob? What? It hasn't rained in two weeks. I know. It's like she'd made it the night before for a drink in the morning.

One of them had chocolate round her mouth. And it was 8am. They hadn't had chocolate yet. I went where's that from she pointed at the flower bed it was a chocolate egg she dropped in the flower bed two days ago amazing it's amazing that your kids are already cleverer than you it's not that amazing I suppose but um so the point of this podcast is um obviously you know it goes without saying this is a tough time for everyone.

Yes. But we thought it'd be nice to have an outlet. What's happened? I've seen your Instagram stories, Rob. Yeah. And Alex Brooker's texted me and said, is Rob Beckett having a nervous breakdown? And I thought, we need to intervene.

We need to do a contrast. And what I want is us to feel better by venting here and people who listen to feel better by thinking well it's not just us that's finding lockdown parenting difficult it is a difficult thing yes and if you're listening and you don't have a child you're thinking bloody hell my life is good yes that is basically the point oh I don't want them not listening enjoying our pain that would make you feel even worse do you know what mate They're the only people who've got time to listen. We need them.

A problem shared is a problem halved, isn't it? So would you like one of my children to look after Josh? Absolutely not. But I think hopefully this podcast, we can all vent and tell everyone how difficult we're finding it and it'll make everyone listening feel better. So Josh, I think it's only fair that we break down what our situation is with kids and child care at home so what's your setup so pre-lockdown well i've still got the same amount of kids post-lockdown yeah pre-lockdown i've got a two

and a half year old daughter and a wife and we live in a house. I say, you know, when I'm not working, we share the parenting equally. My daughter goes to nursery two days a week, which didn't feel like a lot of days, but now mate, oh my God. Do you know what I miss? I drop her off at nursery, right? Yeah. And then 8am on a Wednesday and a Friday. And then next door to the nursery, there's a really nice cafe. And I'd go in that cafe and I'd have tea and toast. And they knew me, they'd say the usual, which has never happened to me before. And then I'd sit and I'd eat my tea and toast and I'd stare in silence for an hour. And that was just the best hour of my week. was amazing it was the only hour of my week where I wasn't working parenting or traveling to work yes I didn't realize how much I needed that yeah I

didn't know how much I needed the staring into space I just want some time on my own yes so that was what my setup was and now obviously um we're all locked down so what tends to happen is I'll get up with my daughter and then my wife will get up and then in the morning we will share parenting and both of us will try and do some exercise go and do some exercise I'll take my daughter to the park most mornings and then in the afternoon I'll try and catch up on work while hearing parenting going on outside of the room is very difficult to work when you can hear someone freaking out. Yes.

Whether it be my wife or my daughter. What's your situation, Rob? Set up is pretty similar. So I've got a two and a half year old and a four and a half year old. Pre-lockdown, again, when I'm away with work, I'm working. But whenever I'm at home, it's 50-50. I used to do their nursery school run. They go Monday, Wednesdays, Fridays.

And we just got the two-year-old in at the start of like September. So it was like, oh my God, like we have all this time and we've waited so long to get that time because they'd been at home. Whereas I think people with slightly older kids, like 12 and 10, are like, oh, it's nice to see them because they're normally always at school all the time. Where for us, we had just got the point we're like oh get rid of them for three days um which was amazing and that walk home from preschool was incredible carrying two scooters

over my shoulder like a dad who's just been released back into the wild whereas now i'm at home trying to work doing a youtube channel doing podcasts all the kind of work stuff you'd have to do outside the house, now inside the house, and we're splitting the kids 50-50, obviously. It's so much more difficult, this lockdown parenting. You know how athletes go and do high-altitude training so that then when they compete in the Olympics, it's much easier? Yeah. I think I'm going to be absolutely fucking brilliant

at normal parenting after this is over. Yeah, isn't it? It's an intensive driving course. The drop off. Oh, I've got to do an hour between getting up and taking her to nursery. Yeah. Piece of piss, mate. I'll throw it out there.

I could do Legoland with two of them on my own. Throw it out there. Throw it out there. Oh, well, anyway, that is to come. That is to come. We are still in lockdown. I'm finding it hard, though, because it is that intense. And hopefully our guests will help us get through this together, Josh.

You know what? The more I speak to people, the better I feel about this. Because I think the difficulty of lockdown parenting is you kind of imagine that other people are living this perfect life of making banana bread and doing art projects and the moment you hear that someone else has given their kid a packet of quavers and put them in front of Mr Tumble that makes you feel so much better about your own life yes and if you're struggling with them listen to this it'll make you feel better and each day we'll be joined by a comedian or celebrity or someone who we want to hear how they are doing we've got some brilliant guests lined up and each episode we want to hear

from you uh we want to hear what problems you've had any thoughts you've had on the previous episodes and if you want to get in touch you email hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk because somehow someone has beaten us to the dot com email address. Who's got that? I don't know who's got that. Well, we could email them and ask. There's a way of getting in touch with them. I'm definitely going to do that.

Who are you? Yeah. Anyway, we'd like to hear from you. So now it is time for the Lockdown Parenting Postbag. It's the Lockdown Parenting Mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's post bag. It's the lockdown parenting mail bag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Okay, Rob, here is our first bit of correspondence. And do you know what?

It really speaks to me and it makes me feel better about the experience of lockdown parenting. Oh, that's good. This is from someone called Michael who says, I'd say my lowest moment of lockdown parenting was failing to get cornflakes off a bowl after they'd already been through the dishwasher considering just writing off the bowl because it would be easier then going to the toilet to cool down turning on instagram and reading this post now this is a post rob that i've seen a lot at the start of lockdown i'm going going to read it out to you, and I want you to tell me

how much you think it reflects your experience of being locked down with your two children, OK? OK, sure. Can we have some lovely Radio 4-style poetry music? Thank you. And the people stayed at home and read books and listened and rested and exercised and made art and played games. And learned new ways of being and were still. How are you feeling so far, Rob?

Still? I've not been still since Boris did his first press conference. I have been moving, chasing kids non-stop. I've not been still. How can I be still? Have you made any art? No. Unless you call your four-year-old finding the glitter tubs and just running around the house with them open.

Unless you call that art. And now my entire house looks like it's been pebble dashed by a drag act. The glitter everywhere. Right, let's move on. Have you done any of this? Have you listened more deeply? Meditated?

Some prayed. Some danced. Some met their shadows. Met their shadows? What met their shadows? Yeah, I've definitely not met my shadow in the last five weeks it does sound like a euphemism i've just yeah oh excuse me kids can you i know you need your ass wiped at 5 a.m but i'm trying to be still here if that's all right i'm meditating

um it goes on obviously people are having different experiences of the lockdown and we've already discussed that it's bollocks they're not they're having the same experience but they're lying their kitchen's clean once a week and they take the photo before it's a bombsite again

everyone is having a terrible time and they're lying oh yeah we get up and do a little bit of yoga actually fuck off you're not doing yoga you're not doing yoga sorry i'm getting out but it's just that annoys me we're all having a time you know what would calm you down rob what's that meeting your shadow right well um thank you for that michael um if you have seen any instagram posts or got any texts from people who are you know smugly using their time better than you are, we would love to hear them. I got a text from my friend, right?

This is what sums up my watching habits. This is from Chris, who I host the 90s football podcast, Quickly Kevin. Do seek it out, although I'm not sure how much overlap there will be with this, right? So he said, last night, i had a whole hour to myself i wasted 40 minutes of it panicking about how to make the most of the hour i kept constantly flicking through documentaries thinking this isn't a good enough use of my time 10 minutes of tootin car moon five minutes of sandal until i die i'micking now, even recalling the experience. There is so much pressure, isn't there?

The moments I have on my own are just so like, I've got to use this. I've got to do something here. Have you actually got through anything, Rob? I, in some sort of vague,

mad hope, I downloaded 10 documentaries that were being, they're on BT Sports, I'm like 30 for 30, all about American football and stuff like that, right? I tried to watch one the other day. I banged it on at 6am when I was up.

An hour long documentary, 4.30 in the afternoon, I was 11 minutes in. From Paul's minute. How did you get those 11 minutes? I don't know. Sorry for bragging on here, guys. Next up. Tell me whether this makes you feel better about your um life this is amazing this is from heather rogers she's written heather rogers 29 from manchester i like that it feels

like she's on going live and she's asking a question today i ate a kit kat and a bag of maltesers whilst in the shower open brackets that I'd previously hid in the back of the cupboard, close brackets, so that I didn't have to share them with my one-year-old or my partner. That is a low moment. So in the shower, eating your Kit Kat and bag of Maltesers. It's not a shower snack, is it?

You couldn't have the water on any hotter than at least tepid for fear that it would melt your chocolatey snack. Sorry, wait, that is not a shower snack. Is there such a thing as a shower snack? Well, I used to, when I was younger, you know, before you went out, you'd drink in the shower. You ever drunk in the shower? Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's nothing more decadent than the can of lager in the shower before heading out. Oh, my God. I might do that tonight before heading downstairs and watching TV. I'm going to do that. Lager shell. I used to sometimes pour quite a strong whiskey, and then the water would act as an extra mixer.

A Malteser and Kit Kat. The sad part about that is, at some point, old Rogers we've got here on the emails would have thought, oh, this is a really good idea. I'm being really clever here. But then halfway through, just thought, what is my life? Yeah. There's a moment when it all crystallizes and you think,

I'm never going to tell anyone about this. No. And then you see us tweet out and you think, well, I do want to be read out on a podcast. Is that like a main and a pudding that she's done there? Or is that like, would you do the Kit Kat, done there or is that like do you would you do the Kit Kat then the Maltesers or would you would you have them both open at the same time and you're like a like two parts of a meal well I'd go Maltesers first I've always thought of them

as the Padron Pepper of the chocolate world that um you can take solo but then they're nice in a little bowl aren't they share yeah and then the kit kats more you're like forgetting it right amy rolf this is so this isn't a bad memory but it's just a bit sad um either of your daughters having their birthday in lockdown rob um no but they do have to have theirs really near christmas so in a way they used to do a bit of a dance squib. And my birthday is the 2nd of January. So I don't care about anyone's or my birthday's in lockdown. My birthday's in lockdown every year.

The pubs are shut on the 2nd of Jan every year. Depressing. Okay, well, shout that in the face of Amy Rolfe's daughter, who for her third birthday, Amy Rolfe made a pass the parcel and they passed it between her daughter, herself and her husband just around and around the three of them playing Pass the Parcel.

Oh, I mean, there's a lot of pressure on making sure you stop the music there. That is, you could really ruin her birthday if the dad gets it. Your three-year-old doesn't know Pass the Parcel anyway. You don't need, surely you just musical statues or something. I say, with kids under five, you can just invent stuff. Like, invent a day. Like, I've told my daughters it's Lego Day on Saturday,

and they're all excited, and that just means we're going to do a bit of Lego and watch the Lego movie. And I keep going, girls, it's Lego. And if you deliver it like it's Christmas Day, they're buzzing for this new thing you've invented. And they just get excited over nothing. Yeah, come next year, Rob. Yeah. Next year, when you're not locked down, you're invented. And they just get excited over nothing. Yeah, come next year, Rob. Yeah.

Next year when you're not locked down, you're forced through Lego Day in the middle of April. You're going to be absolutely gutted, mate. I'm about to take about a school for Lego Day. It's a day we celebrate, actually. Just to respect my culture. Stick that on the census. I'm a Legolian.

All these Legolians round my way celebrating Lego Day. I thought I voted Brexit to get rid of you, mate. So thank you for all your emails. There are so many that we don't get to read out all of them, but we do read all of them. So please do get in touch if you've eaten chocolate in the shower or anything that you think might be of interest to us. This is how to get in touch.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. Students, get $100 when you open an RBC Advantage banking account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada, Avion points on debit purchases, and so, so much more. Unlock more perks for less with RBC Vantage. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible clients only. Complete

criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student 100. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Come on kids, back to the hotel room. good night good night mama life's a trip make the most of it at best western as you listen to this podcast um it is important to remember some caveats we won't say them every time but obviously um this is a weird time and everyone you know is having a tough time and so we're not making light or claiming that we are having a worse time than

ever we're just using it as a way to vent about the experience of parenting and the second caveat just to be very clear whatever we say me and rob we do love our children oh yeah bear that in mind throughout in every episode whatever we say we love our children. Oh, yeah. Bear that in mind. Throughout, in every episode, whatever we say, we love our children and our wives. Right, enough from us. Are you ready for our first guest? It is Catherine Ryan. Hello, Catherine Ryan. How are you?

I'm really well. It's nice to talk to people from work. It is, isn't it? Colleagues. I love this. Thanks for doing it Catherine thank you I hope I can graduate to friend have you seen a lot of people then have you seen anyone like you're doing all the zoom and all that kind of stuff no I don't need an excuse to drink I can do that alone

I don't I don't subscribe to these like house party zoom things talk to my friends I mean I'm not a phone person. Why should a pandemic turn me into one? Yes. Same with quizzes. I do not want to do a quiz with family members that I dislike. Exactly. I don't want to do that live in a pub.

Never mind in my house where I could be watching Netflix or lying down. I moved an ocean away on purpose. How are you dealing with being a parent at lockdown, Catherine? Well, unlike you two, I was getting it in very young and I have an older child. Yes. So how old is your daughter, Josh? Two and a half. Oh my gosh.

And then Rob, you're like two and four? Yeah, two and a half and four and a half. That is crazy. That's crazy. So I'm living a very different experience to the two of you. Your girls all require very hands-on parenting, whereas Violet is the opposite. I basically have a teenager in the house.

I have to go seek her out. She doesn't even need me for food. She doesn't need me for anything. I have to find her, wash her, take her device. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. So you're on the hunt for her really i mean i'm hurt because she used to really like spending time with me and now she's got all these friends on zoom

she's doing all the uh house party calls and she's doing school online she's playing games online this is a teenager's dream come true because all they want is TikTok and their friends, and they don't like leaving the house. Your children are probably asking about the park. I tried to go on a walk the other day. Violet resists leaving the house, putting any clothes on. She's in her element. Oh, my God. That's the dream, isn't it?

I'm so jealous of you. Do you not have any more grown-up rows and arguments, though? Whereas, I imagine with young kids, it's more hands-on and physically stressful. But when they're older, it's the emotional thing but is she just completely happy in her room hiding yeah I mean we're not having rows she's not a row style of child we are sort of dealing with the fence so she wants to climb the fence sort of like a dog in heat and go play with the neighbors but some of the women in my neighborhood i know that they're leaving the house for dick appointments or they are hosting dick appointments yes there are i've

noticed that there's people that are still on the hunt for d during a pandemic no i know a couple of people that are doing it i don't want to name names but they're sliding out for d appointments this is it and you can't let your teenage children mingle with their children. And that's all they want. Your little girls, they want you. They want your attention. They want, you know, to maybe beat each other up.

All my daughter wants to do is ignore me, leave the house, hang out with other kids, get on her device, hang out with other kids. It's the opposite. Has she got out at all? Or is she sticking to the rules? Or have you caught her going to see friends? Well, I tried tried to compromise so i built a crow's nest up in a tree so that she could i've allowed her to climb up there and shout into the neighbor's garden and then the neighbor

girls have trampolines so they can bounce on the trampolines and say a few words in the air and then they go back down. I think, Rob, if the lockdown is extended, we should do an episode from trampolines to see how it sounds. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're East London, I'm South East. We're going to have to shout over the Thames, but I'm ready. I'm raring to give that a go, Josh.

How's your... So has she got rules on her device? Was she allowed on her device all the time, Catherine? Well, this is the struggle that you get into with older children is you should be a parent to them, but you don't have to. Yes. So there's really no policing in place. So if I want to drink wine in the garden with my current husband, then why wouldn't I just let her on her device all day?

What's it to me? Yeah, because really what you're doing is not acceptable yeah so that it's like for us like we tell no no screen time no ipad and we just sit there with a phone while they're playing my screen time at the moment is an absolute disgrace yeah my screen time last week was eight hours and then it dropped to five hours this week and I genuinely felt like I had achieved like I'd climbed Everest to just to five hours this week. And I genuinely felt like I had achieved, like I'd climbed Everest to just do five hours a day on my telephone. Telephone? Who am I, a Victorian? What's your screen time at the moment, Catherine?

It's bad, but it's always bad. I'm eight hours in a lockdown. I'm eight hours regular times. But I read. I don't think that I'm doing, you know, nefarious activities on the phone all the time it's not all social media I read all my news articles on there I subscribe to all the newspapers I am reading I use it like a kindle I try to read but then I just end up immediately

going back onto TikTok to see people dance I can't I can't with TikTok I'm obsessed I love it and I don't know why I don't on paper I shouldn't no I don't know obsessed with it. I love it. And I don't know why. On paper, I shouldn't. No, I don't know. I think it's about your level, Rob. That's about my vibe, isn't it? Bit of TikTok, bit of Lego, bad. I live like a teenage girl. Well, this is the other thing with TikTok that's so annoying,

and you should like it. I mean, I love the idea that 10-year- olds are moving around and dancing, but it's constant. So they'll be on TikTok learning dances. But even once the phone is put away, my daughter will walk into the kitchen for snacks and she's TikTok-ing. So does she do pranks on you with it? Because that happens a lot. All she wants to do is watch the older girls on TikTok and learn the dances that they're doing and then emulate those dances in a crop top. And I've studied TikTok because I'm trying to bond with this child.

You know, I used to have a two-year-old girl and she liked me very much. And now I have to reach out and basically watch these jailbait 15-year-olds doing sexy dances, doing the splits. I have to learn those dances. I made a list of how to be successful at TikTok based on what I've learned, and I've tried to feed this back to Violet. But it's a terrible list. All you want to do is you need good lighting, really nice straight white smile,

and you need to get your ass out and be flexible, and that's it. Well, I'm one ass away from being successful on TikTok, by the sounds of that. What you don't realize is they are like proper celebrities in that world. So if they went to an event where there was loads of kids that age, there would be people all over them going, oh my God, can I have a picture of that at 15? It's like they're megastars in a cult.

Can I ask a question of someone that doesn't know what I'm talking about? Like, when did this happen? Because I've heard about TikTok, I reckon, in the last 10 days. And I mean, how long has it been going on? How long have I missed the boat on this? It's been going on a while. TikTok used to be called Musical.ly. Now it's TikTok and it's exploded, but it's been around in America, I think, solidly for about two years. And I am ashamed to say that pre-lockdown

I would travel around the UK with my daughter and go to a travel lodge in Milton Keynes to hang out with TikTokers for like a five hour meet and greet. Oh, wow. How much would that cost? It costs, I think, 20 pounds each, but then there's loads of merch there that you're railroaded into buying. There's no performance element. They don't do anything. And they're lovely girls, but they just have a step and repeat, that branding board in the back. And they stand there and the children cue to hug them and record a quick TikTok where they stick their tongue out. And then they resume and they cue again to do the the same and it's it's really a weird you wait i don't know what it's going to be when your daughters are 10 i know oh no it's only five or five years away for me but it's like we're in black mirror isn't it at the moment i can't believe how

out of the loop i am when you describe that old? No, you are peacefully unaware right now and enjoy this time because we all have different struggles at different stages of parenthood. And this is the one I'm in right now. I'm very ashamed to say that I paid a teenager 800 pounds to visit my house last June. Did you? Because she's on TikTok. Yeah. So did I, but I got it out of the papers. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world. We share to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo.

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Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. So you paid a TikTok, like basically a corporate appearance fee, to come to your daughter's house? Exactly that. It was the only thing Violet wanted for her birthday. She said, will you get this TikToker to come to the house and i said all right so i reached out to

this teen it felt very dirty just a teenage girl i was like how much how much is it gonna cost me to get you come dance in my kitchen i think there's it's a weird thing where me and Joshua at the stage now where the kids are really young and we sort of feel feel quite young still like oh we sort of know about cool stuff but we don't we're completely oblivious it's only when your kids get a bit older like your your daughter's 10 now that they bring you into this new world you go oh that's what's going on we're in this weird fallow period where we don't know what is cool or what is popular. And then you get brought into it by your kids. Do you think my parents were thinking about,

like, we're talking about TikTok and they were talking about that, like, about, like, gladiators or like... All Josh wants is to meet jazz in a mall. I spent 300 quid on getting Shadow to come around for the afternoon to hit him with a massive cotton bud. Well, you wait till the girls get a bit older. I'll be like that female Jeffrey Epstein assistant

helping to broker the deal. How's food going for you, Catherine? Are you like, does she eat well? Is she a fussy eater? Is that a tough thing at that age? No. Once they get a bit older, they'll eat. I mean, they're growing so much at this age that I've seen Rob's Instagram.

I know the girls are leaving behind palm bears. I'm living in a different world to you guys. I don't feed her, but food goes missing from the fridge, so I assume she's eating in the day. And then she... You treat her like a fox in your garden. I'll bring her out at night, and if it goes, I must be fed. Well, and then she joins us for dinner,

and she eats the same things we eat. You know, all that is fine now. What are your kids eating? Yeah, we're still working through this mango addiction. It's caused a real problem now. What, the mango? Yeah, she's so addicted to mango. It's like I had to go out and buy two mangoes today

just because we're low on mango. We're low on mango. What kind of absolute wanker am I? I'm going to have to pop out a bit low on mango. Genuinely, I bought one mango. It was like a bit of fun. It's ruined my life. It's like that drug a bit of fun it's ruined my life it's like you know like that drug dealer thing of the first one being free it's like that and you've got such

a small window to eat it because mango in the first place not readily available all season and then when you buy it it's green yeah i tried to get onto watermelon it didn't really work we're back on the mango sorry guys i've had a bit of a moment with mango i realize that's the most middle class problem in the world but there we go do you give her mango mango juice no i haven't tried that we breakfast today was a mango well innocent makes a nice mango juice and they have one that they mix with orange one that they mix with apple that'll fix her you know mango for a few hours another thing you can do take the mango pit because that's got a little mango on the edges yeah uh put a skewer in that she's got a mango lolly for a couple hours oh here we go this is great stuff oh yeah but that's a danger pip in it

if she sucks too hard on that sick and she's she's got a mango hip lodged in her throat how are you gonna what kind of throat has she? Have you seen the size of mangoes, Rob? That's a good tip. What would be your kind of one piece of lockdown parenting advice beyond the mango lolly, which is an excellent tip? Have you got any tips that people could actually use? Yes. If you've got any cardboard in the garage, which we have because where we live live a lot of the trash collection's not coming regularly the dump is closed so you put that along the steps and you've got a slide they can go down that on a pillow or a sleeping bag oh that's good you can make it a tube slide if you use the whole box and use the banister with some tape to like really oh that's good that's a great idea i don't know if it's a health and safety.

We want to look for staples, remove staples, because sometimes it's a really aggressive staples in cardboard these days, which I'm not happy about. Yeah, just a quick disclaimer. It's not our fault if it all goes wrong. You don't want staples, but you know what? If it does go wrong, whatever. There was no health and safety when we were young.

True. There was no expectation and safety when we were young. True. It wasn't. There was no expectation to parent your children and to be in their face all day. I don't remember interacting with my parents growing up. So why do we feel this pressure now that we've got to entertain them? Well, I've got a scar on the back of my head where my dad took me to the pub one Saturday afternoon and put me on one of them high stools at the bar and I fell off and smashed all my head open. Blimey.

That explains so much about what's happened to you in the last 20 years. I know. I picked you up and I rubbed your head and it was all sticky. But he told it like a lovely story. I've got a dimple just below my left eye, which is where I was at a friend's birthday. I got hit in the face with a crowbar. Oh, my God.

It's astonishing. Not in an unprovoked attack. They were hitting in a post to play football, and his older brother had it on his shoulder and did a turn. You know, like the classic Chuckle Brothers turn and hit over the... I got that in the face. It wasn't like a carjacking-themed birthday. No, no, no.

And then I got put in the boot and driven 15 miles to the hospital Catherine it may not be a suitable question for you because it seems that you've got quite a chilled setup at the moment in your in your place but if for whatever reason your husband and your daughter just were magicked away for the day and you were still in lockdown what would you do with your day what would your day look like if you had the house completely to yourself oh well now that I have a husband that's really new for me so I do really like him and I'm glad that I got married when I did because it's all very fresh I'm not tired of him yet however when's that coming do you think when are you aiming for being bored of him i mean judging by my friend's reviews it should be in the next 18 months but when i was alone i could watch whatever telly i wanted without feeling

judged and there are things that i can't watch with bobby around he likes westworld he likes ozark he likes you know he's very upset that all the sports are cancelled right now but he doesn't tolerate the same level of 90 day fiancee kardashian trash housewives teen mom you know i have to hide that from him a bit so you just watch you do a marathon kardashian watch yeah i would just watch all the trash that i never felt judged for in the past i didn't have to get into a drama you know yeah because it is hard isn't it like when you're busy and you've got of all that stuff on your tv guide that you haven't watched and i always think if louis left me like just divorced me like run off with the kids i'd

obviously be upset but the first three days i'd be like oh once i'd caught up on everything i'll you know the sadness would kick in but that first three days would feel like the most incredible three days of our life oh look at that yes please um you've got time away from your child Catherine so you'd like did you have big things that you wanted to achieve in lockdown and have you achieved them well I will tell you what becomes difficult when they're 10 I don't have that much time away in terms of privacy you My daughter's occupied, but she's always got a keen eye on us and she never goes to bed. She stays up later than we do. And we are struggling in the bedroom because when they get to be that age, they know what mommies and daddies do. I mean, I don't really know the PG rating of your podcast. I really want to fuck my husband, basically. And I used to do that at 10am after the school run. And that was my little window.

But I mean, now my daughter, she's like, she's like a hawk and she never leaves. And she never falls asleep. Have you tried putting her in a separate bedroom? No, my husband's in a separate bedroom. He has his own bedroom um because we weren't married when we first moved here i didn't want to set a bad example i mean god help me if my daughter ever googles me what time does she go what's her bedtime routine then getting up and go to bed i don't know i mean you'd have to ask her she just hangs out with her well yeah so that's what i'm struggling with i guess about the hour walk you can't leave violet can you leave your daughter in the house on her

own i mean she'd love it if i did but but it's a bit young still isn't it and it's like you're not doing it for an emergency just you know you can get banged in a park no stopping no stopping i could use the press, really. I'm not up to anything else. Can you imagine the headlines? Catherine, with no regard for the NHS, bangs in a park. To be fair, it wouldn't take long, though. I don't think you'd get accused of stopping.

Just tie a shoelace, it'll be over. That long of lockdown. It's not going to be a long, drawn-out affair, is it? Rob, you've always had one final question, don't you, Rob? Yes, that is, Catherine, what would be the highlight and low light of your lockdown? One moment where you thought,

oh, this is amazing, I'm really enjoying this and a point where you've gone, oh, this has got to stop. The best part of my lockdown is we have ponies and they used to be in stables, but we've had to turn them all out

in lockdown so that there's less human contact. Because normally when the ponies are in stables, you're mucking them out, you're bringing them in, you're feeding them. They need all this human attention, but we've turned them all out in the fields. So now when we go check them to pick their feet and make sure no one's injured, we just go for this beautiful, magical walk. And you feel like these are unicorns all of a sudden. The weather's been so nice and we're out in the fields with the ponies. And I really love that part of the day. We do that every day at 2 p.m. Oh, nice. And that's my favorite part. And I've put that on my Instagram

a little bit, which I don't want to, I feel two ways about it. I feel guilty because some people don't have outdoor space. And another way I put it it on purpose because it's like, I like to show people the ponies. I think hopefully they find it relaxing. Also, ponies respond to entitlement. So they respect me a lot. You know, I walk out in the field, I'm not afraid of them at all. And they don't gallop into me. They look at me and they go, there's the boss.

She seems like a real prick. And they show me that respect. Lovely. Yeah. And then I think my worst part would be just the relentless unknowing of it all. I don't watch the news. I really don't like to tap into exactly what's going on. But personally, am I ever going to work again? I don't know. Do I have to lose 40 pounds and going to work again i don't know do i have to like lose 40 pounds and get on tiktok i don't want it's what rob's trying to do already i've got you for a crop top to be delivered from h&m and i'm raring to go katherine ryan it's been an absolute pleasure to talk to you i'm glad you're well thank you very much bye guys cheers thanks bye so katherine bryan josh do you know what i like most about that finding out i wasn't the worst person for screen time yeah i well i'll give you credit rob you're only losing six hours

of your day to look at your phone you're a modern day hero mate I know you're working through lunch on your phone but I just want to justify that because it sounds like I'm a bad like like an awful parent I'm not like parenting with my phone in front of my daughter's face I mean when I've sent you like whatsapp we sent a couple of whatsapp memos to each other today like the voice ones and both of them ended with us having to go uh wait i'll call you back in a second because so you're literally finding a moment there's a whatsapp dad's group that i'm in that there's a couple of mates that all had kids at the same time right and it was quite quiet but now the lockdown's happened it's really gone up a notch yeah and ellis james who we should get on this at some point was describing what his day is it was like you know get up at half five

with his first kid get his second one gets up at seven and then eventually he said and then eventually at 830 I get the second one in bed and then I silently stare at my phone until 11pm and then oh bless him

but that's what it is it's like every like, if I go to the toilet, I just... Yeah. It's like an escape. It's like a different world it offers you. If anyone's beating eight hours, please do get in touch. Also, I don't read long articles on there, so that's probably what it is. I'm a bullet point man at the top of BBC News.

Then I tip out. But, yeah, Catherine was absolutely brilliant. Did it make you feel like happier, less happy, more confident, less confident? I don't know. It made me appreciate it. It's harder, sort of like man power, man hours with little ones, but you do get a lot back where I think actually the worrying

and being anxious about how's my older kid dealing with this and all that. It feels like young kids are physically more demanding, but older ones, emotionally, it's a bit of a roller coaster. So it's made me realise, actually, I might be busier, but at least I've got two little bundles of love that just want to jump on you, rather than this sort of young woman

that's ignoring you on TikTok all day. Yeah. Because I've already got that in my wife. I don't need two more. It's good to know that TikTok can lead to things, because I know you've got a TikTok account. Oh, yeah. It does make me worry that in eight years,

I'm going to be paying 20 quid to meet you in a travel lodge with my daughter so that you can... It might be eight months, mate. I'm blowing up on TikTok at the moment. For half a million, one of my videos has been viewed. Bloody hell. That's a lot, isn't it? Well, enjoy your kitchen-based dancing corporates, mate.

Anyway, 800 quid. I'll come round your house for eight hours and dance. I'm your man. If you want to get in touch with us, this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Thank you, everyone, for listening. We're back on Friday with John Richardson.

Looking forward to that, Rob. Oh yeah, it was a great one. Subscribe, tell people, other parents about it. You know, whatever you want. Review it on iTunes, all those kind of things. We would encourage that, wouldn't we? Yes. Thank you very much, Rob. Thank you very much. Bye. Stay safe.